Two In The Think Tank - 543 - "HAVE YOU CONSIDERED NOT MODELING?"

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Don't Try Modeling Agency, Chaise Longue Scout, The Upper Eschalots, Make Whale from Scratch, Piss Anywhere Tech, The Souvenir Shop, Guy Who Steals Picture of Himself Stealing, Glaswegian ExfoliantGet tix to Al and Matt's Canada tour here.Listen to Alasdair's Bobby Logs Stories for kidsYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Off the clock. Off the clock. Off the clock. I'm off the clock. Off the clock. Off the clock. Off. Off.

I mean, yeah. I'm Andy. And I'm Alastard. And I mean I'm Alice of George William Trumbly virtual. Welcome to doing the think tag. The show. We'll come up with five sketch ideas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's so easy for it to go. It can go off the rails so quickly. Andy, all it takes is for you to forget. And the times when I get it. Get it wrong. No, the times when I get it right, it feels so easy.

And when I'm getting it right, I'm always thinking, what the fuck is Alistair on about? I'm great at this bit of the podcast. And then when I get it wrong... This is impossible. This can't be done right. And Al's an idiot for thinking that it can. He's lucky I'm even trying. I never asked for any of this.

Alice is lucky. I'm even... Why would he put me in this position? Having a go. He's setting me up to fail. Why doesn't he do this? Why isn't he doing the intro? That's a really good question.

Yeah. Oh, because of the comedy of our names. That's right. That's right. Not to reveal too much of how it works behind the scenes here. But I don't think we ever worked that out. I think that you went first and I was like, well, here's my opportunity to create the slightest bit of comedy. And I'll say my middle names.

No, no, no. No, no. No. down for weeks. We worked this out. We set down for weeks thrashing that one out, Alistair. Yes.

Yes. We first we suggested. Maybe Alistair. We read modeling in the joke. We also ran a modeling agency. We did. We did. But we were not affiliated with Epstein.

No, we were using it as an agency that they could go as an alternative after they said no to maybe to doing a. Epstein stuff and then they could come to another agency. Unfortunately, we, well, no, fortunately we didn't do any of that, you know, yucky stuff. But unfortunately for them, we also couldn't get them any modeling jobs. I tell you what, it is, he and his, his cronies made it very difficult for the one or two or maybe a half modeling scouts out. there who aren't actively part of global pedophile rings. Absolutely.

They really, they really ruined the approaching extremely young women on the street. Yeah. Game. And telling them that you could, that you could make them a star. Yeah. Yeah. It's insane that that actually does happen at all. I think that's how Kate Moss got down. Yeah, it was like an airport or something with that. Yeah. He's like,

fucking hell. I mean, I once got approached at a amusement park, the one known as La Ronde, La Ronde,

that is here in Montreal. And being a friend, a guy told us to, he wanted to take photos of us in front of the, the log, the flume ride or whatever, where the big log comes down the one,

as it, as the water washed up, in the air and we had like a water bottle in our back pocket that would be like an advertisement for this ad now, now it seems weird.

I think he may have had a thing about young man getting splashed. Did you get splashed? Well, I think we were standing near it. I'm not sure if we got splashed. I was pretty young. I would have been like somewhere between 10 and 13. Okay. Yeah.

This is unusual. And so... And then I didn't get any money, you know, to be in an ad. I've been approached by a few guys just saying, just on the off chance, you were thinking of modelling. Don't. Have you ever considered modelling, they say, and then they say, and I say, no, and they say, great, great, I'm sorry I brought it up. No, that's really good. Your life will be easier that way.

I shouldn't even put it into your head. You do not have the look. we or anyone else is looking for. Have you ever done any ads? I give them my business card and it said... And then it says phone on there, where it normally said the number, it says phone and then has a question mark and it says don't. Does that work? Call this if you want any advice on how to stay out of modelling.

Stay out of. If you ever feel tempted or think you might be on the verge of starting modelling, Call me. I could help you. Call this number. Yeah. Yeah. I run a school. And then we have to do emergency intervention.

And then you, and then let's say he does run a school and then you go there. Yes. And he helps teach you how to not get into modeling, how to stay out of modeling. And he does end up making advances on you while you're there. Okay. That's his way in, is it? Well, that's his tactic. He's got both.

That's the thing. He's got a modeling class school and a modeling agency. And he's got an agency because he realized, needing a modeling agency really limited the amount of people that he could approach in airports. That's true. And he is not fussy. Say what you like about him, you know. Well, you can only make money off of really hot people.

people then in that case. But if you're trying to keep people out, if you're giving the good advice of staying out of modeling for most other people, and then the really, the really desperate ones who really, really want to stay out, you can make money off of them by teaching them everything they need to know about staying out of modeling. But he was also still making advances at you. Yeah. Well, it's not, in the end, it's just about, you know, it's just about taking advantage. of people. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah.

He still does photo shoots, but instead of that bit where they sort of ask you to slowly unbutton your shirt and maybe take it off your shoulder and trying to like ease you into sort of exposing more flesh, he's giving you more and more things to cover up with. That's right, yeah. And he's pointing the camera away from you. Now put on this puffer jacket. Oh, that's it. Now stand behind this wall.

But I mean, I wouldn't mind if he's still taking photos of you And then he shows you at the end And he goes, look at all these This is why you shouldn't be in modeling Oh, that's true. That's good And then they And then he sends it to modeling agencies So that they can put them on their wall

Of people that they shouldn't hire If this person comes in here And you know Like they got to take photos of you for To make sure that modeling agencies know not to hire you because you don't want to, which is why you're trying to stay out. And he creates a website that people can look at very easily and scroll through with names and stuff like that of people who don't want to get into modeling. And that way agencies can see if a person sort of either accidentally applied or in a moment of weakness did apply.

they can look up the website and say it says he actually don't want to you go oh yeah it's like a it's like a do not it's like a do not fly list for uh terrorist suspects yeah um yeah because there could be people who are addicted to applying to modeling agencies there could be there absolutely could be what about a guy who you know sometimes a model will be draped over like a chaise loange in a photo shoot. Do I pronounce that correctly?

No, I think long, like long, long chair? Shays long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A chassis longue. Long, yeah. And he scouts those. He scouts the furniture

for Oh, yeah. You know, he might he might spot maybe a park bench in a park and he he gets it gets at an angle grinder and cuts it off from its concrete base and takes it and puts it into show business

oh the chair itself oh yeah that's good yes the bench he says you've got what it takes they call it the and and the movie about this guy is called the chair up there really great is it up there metaphorically yeah up in the

yeah up in the sort of the you know like the higher rankings of chairs in fashion upper echelons of the fashion and the echelots and the echelots the upper echelots

I'm just going to write down the sentence the upper echelots we can figure out what that is later on yeah of course I mean when there's that much meat on the bone, you can cook anything. I imagine that's how Japanese scientists feel when they reel in another whale.

That's all right. Imagine that, you're reeling in a whale. You marry a scientist. One of the most desirable of professions.

And then you discover that the type of scientist he is is a Japanese he's whale scientist. Oh no. And he's coming. He's going out to see it. He's coming back covered in blood. Have you seen the amount of blood involved in those things?

Seems to be so much blood. So much blood. I think whales might be full of blood. They might be one of the biggest sacks of blood. This is a real out-of-whals work situation. Yes. I mean... What do you think?

Do you think they start with blood when you're making a whale? When you're, probably First, the mum has to just collect what blood from any way she can get it You're going to need a lot of blood I mean, You can imagine a scientist trying to make a whale from scratch Maybe to stop whale hunting, you know Because maybe if we could...

From scratching his skin so that he gets blood out Maybe, at least from scratching the whale blood. He scratches himself, right? Yeah. He sees a little prick of blood beginning to wail there in the wound, and he thinks, I'm going to make a wail. Yeah. He starts collecting the blood.

I start, you know, using, maybe it's like it's only bleeding a little bit, but he uses a little vial, maybe a little vial that maybe you would, you know, maybe you'd keep like mini M&Ms in or something like that. Yes, beautifully described. Yeah, and I was thinking, oh, man. I could start... Blood. Whales are full of blood.

Maybe I could make a... A whale from scratch with this. What am I going to do with all this blood? He starts ringing out hamsters to get more blood? Mm-hmm. How many hamsters in a whale. Look that up. Someone looked that up.

Yeah. Yeah, he goes to the blood bank. He says, I want to make a withdrawal. And he's got a... And he's got a... And he's got a nice. right yeah and then he stabs the person behind the counter gets all their blood yes yeah he goes to the bank a regular bank you know any but any bank is a blood bank if you just get the blood oh

really good yep I mean we've said it before any bank is a wank bank if you're wank inside a bank any bank is a wank bank is a wank bank if you're wank inside the bank bank. Something, something you got yourself to thank. Hey, any wank is a wank bank bank? All right. Any bank. Oh, sorry.

But I guess you could say any wank is a bank wank. Yeah. Sorry if you're wank inside a bank. What about if you're bank inside a wank, though? Oh, interesting. That's when you're wanking and you put a bunch of $5 notes in your hand. and you just and you store them there in between your hand and your penis. I,

that's in when you're banking inside a wink. The withdrawal method at a sperm bank? Oh, what would that, what would that mean? What would that mean? I guess at the, at a, at a, at a, at a, at a, uh, uh, uh, sperm bank, the withdrawal method means you're smashing open the freezes. and guzzling all the sperm. You just take the...

I'm picturing those big metal vats that they have in breweries and you just take the lid off of one of those pipes at the bottom there and it's just like... You have your mouth opening and it's just spraying out. It's sluicing out. I reckon they do keep it all in a big vat.

I think that would be a more fun way to do it. You know? Yeah. To get artificially insurm. disseminated. No, to store the sperm instead of keeping it. Oh, I know, but I meant like, I didn't mean with the big pipe. I just meant like getting a, getting like a sort of an eyedropper from like a,

from just a big vat where it's all mixed in there. I reckon at least something interesting would happen. Yeah, sure. I mean, parenthood is one of the most interesting journeys you can go on. That's true. That's true. Up to a point. Yeah.

I wonder if you could, if a guy, you know, could be immersed in so much sperm that his body figures out how to become pregnant. Hmm. That's interesting. You know, like, there must be, because much in the same way that a woman's body kind of knows how to make a baby, just sort of intrinsically from, you know, from a very young age. and it just goes into that mode. The human body, like the male body must have a lot of that already encoded in our DNA. And men are really good at figuring things out. And men, I'm glad it just...

We're naturally problem solvers, you know? That's why we invented the YouTube video, because that was just one step to being able to do everything. Yeah, yeah, that's right, to be able to fast forward through it, through four to eight minutes of a Russian person talking in coherence. I assume that they might be coherent. I don't know. I don't speak Russian.

But then you just get to the bit where he starts yanking it stuff. And then you can, you know, start watching it. I'm on a Russian yank. That's the way they do it. I think so. You know, I mean, if men can't, if men's bodies can't figure it out, Isn't it amazing that you can have a yank-wank bank? That is amazing.

You know? That's an American sperm bank. Yeah. Yeah, well, the world's an incredible place. There are more things in heaven and earth that I dreamed of in your philosophy. It's that beautiful thing about the world, about how diverse it is. You know? There are peaches that you've never tasted before that have flavors beyond what you've ever thought.

what a peach could do. And then on the other hand, there's yank wank banks. Is that true about peaches? I'm sure there are types of peaches. Well, the thing, you know, I told you, like, there's like a, I think you were there when I saw my, my nana, when we were road tripping back to your place. When, as soon as you mentioned peaches,

I knew that you were going to try and bring this up. I'm trying to bring up your nana again, now. Your nana, you're always trying to force her in, peach first. Her grandfather created a type of peach or either her, father or his father created a type of peach, the drip stone peach, and they were, that they were like the size of your head. And then, but then eventually, you could feed a family for a week.

Yeah. And then eventually, they got out of that business and whoever either they did or somebody else that pulled all the trees out. So there's like a, there's like a, there's like a, there's like a peach in my bloodline that I've never tasted. And I don't, I don't, I've never seen. And then when we were there, when we were there in Cobram, she said that somebody that she spoke to said that he had one of those peach trees in his yard in Cobram. And I was like, well, I have to get that. I have to somehow get that.

But I wouldn't let you stay there for long enough to go do that. You couldn't. We had to go home to get to bed or something. You were pretty tired. and so you had to go home yeah and he was tired well I won't do this thing

that I didn't know was my lifelong dream to do anyway that's not that's not why I brought up peaches I was just trying to want to give us a context to say yank wank bank again

yeah of course but do you think that's a good dream do you think that's a good dream to have no to to restart your your peach legacy well I don't need to

reclaim your peach throw I don't need to have a full peach orchard or anything like that, but I think it would be great to one, one day, taste one of those peaches. And two, maybe have one of those trees of my own from a cutting that I could maybe graft onto an existing tree. Yeah. No, I think that's a noble, a noble quest indeed. And I think you should. And I think, I'm not surprised that you have peach in your bloodline because all your children, when born, have had the roundest heads.

I didn't know about this. I always feel like Huxley had quite a narrow head, and then he had a... Perfectly spherical. Really? Perfectly spherical. I didn't realize you felt this way. I don't think a peach is perfectly spherical. No, but the bit of it that is...

When I die, Andy, and all my children finally start listening to my podcast to just hear my voice again. They're going to hear this now, and you've just created yourself two enemies. And you've given them their life purpose is to come and finish you. I mean, this is coming off the back of some pretty intense semen-guzzling content. I'd just like to say hello to the kids. Hello, children. Thanks for being here. Sorry about everything.

It's crazy that you've made it this far. I assume you're getting AI to summarize it. Yeah. Oh, I just desperately want to hear my father's voice again, but I don't want to have to listen to the whole podcast. Can we, AI, can you just give me an average three-second sound of what his voice sounded like in this episode? Thank you.

It's so nice to hear his voicing. Yank, wank, bank. You know what? I'm fine. Andy, are you seeing your waveform as you record? Yeah, man. Say yank, wank, bank, and look how beautiful that. Yank, wank, bank.

Oh, look at that. That's like looking at the Grampian Mountains emerging over the horizon. Yeah, reflecting downwards onto a lake. maybe the Grampian Lake. Downwards onto a lake. Yes. Yeah.

What do you think is like the most beautiful thing you can see in a kind of urban area? Oh. What a beautiful question. I think maybe like, I mean, obviously you can still get sunsets, but you can also get a sunset reflecting in a puddle on, you know, in a car park. Yes. in a puddle of piss Oh yeah

A puddle of piss You know the yellowness of the piss Yeah Really really amplifying The golden hue of the sky Today my kid Hux was asking about What if poo was falling from the sky

And I was like oh that'd be awful like that And then also pee was falling from the sky And I was like oh that would be really awful Like that And I was like What if you came inside And you're like I'm covered in

poo and pee and then you went into the shower and you took off all your clothes and you turned on the shower and then poo and pee started coming out of the shower you're like ah and you look at the the you look at the knobs and instead of hot and cold it says a there's a pee on one and there's just a d on the other one and then you then you look then you turn it upside out and you're like oh it was another pee oh I'd already turn it on Oh, yeah, okay, the letter D. I get that. Sorry, that was good. And then I said, so then you'd have to come out and then just grab some of the, like, clean water from in the toilet bowl and try to, like, rinse yourself off.

It's really good. But, you know, I tell you what, after it had been raining poo, I reckon you would actually welcome a brisk springling of pee. Yeah. Because it would wash off some of the poo. Yeah, that's true. But after a couple of days, then you'd really start to stink. Isn't that just such an insight that, like, you know, every. Everything's about context and about, you know, everything's, everything is relative.

Ah, sure. You know what I think, though? A rain of piss is bad, but not to the man who has just been in a... A walk 10 miles for a poo stool. You know, that's the kind of profound thing that Confucius or the Buddha or maybe Christopher Hitchens. And you know what else I think? What of our public intellectuals would say? I think that the warmth, if you could get body warm piss falling from the sky,

I think that would probably almost be enjoyable as well. The temperature would be nice. And I don't know if you've seen, but there's a tech company that's like, is soon going to be like offering being able to shine sunlight anywhere in the world for you if you just need a, you know, a little area of sunlight that it will reflect off of its mirrors. But imagine a tech company. that offers to drop sort of piss temperature rain anywhere you want that's warm like piss. Think about that.

Yeah. So like... And they always refer to it as the temperature of piss in all their materials. Yeah. It's not piss, no. Well, it... No, but it does... We have extracted one property from piss and that is the temperature.

Right, but it isn't pissed. No. No, but we did... Is it body temperature? No, it's slightly below body temperature because Pierce actually gets cools because it expands when it releases, when it comes out of the bladder,

just slightly colder than body temperature. Yeah, that's good. Okay, so why are you calling it? Why, why? Why are you... Because that's what it is. Yeah, that's the concept. That's the temperate.

Is it wrong to say the truth about what we're doing? I mean, where do you think? think we're getting our temperature from. I could tell you it's 34 degrees, but would that mean anything to you? Or if I told you it's the temperature of warm piss coming out of your urethra, then now you know what you're saying. People are sick of tech jargon. Yeah. You know, people using these impenetrable terms like gigabyte and computer. Who knows what that means? We're talking in the language of the common man. It's streaming. This is streaming from the cloud. That's right.

I mean, I think there must be able to do something like that, you know, by just getting like a ray of something. You know, like you could maybe either do a ray of cooling or a ray of heating or something like that through a cloud and just get a little circle of precipitation, you know? A little tube of precipitation maybe through there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That causes this gaseous liquid to just to precipitate. Yep. You know, and if they could do that, then you could probably also, with that beam of whatever you're shooting through it, warm up that liquid and get it to piss temperature.

I mean, you've worked out the technicalities here. Someone build it. You know, we're doing all the work. What are we going to do everything? Yeah. Use a beam. We're literally not even just coming up with conceiving of the idea. We're literally marketing it right now. People already want this. this is this is this is this is what steve jobs did yeah we are equally equally as good as steve jobs and okay he just said i want a phone and then he yelled at people to make it better until it was the iphone yeah that's that that's how he operated okay that's what that's what business is okay so when you tell me that we haven't fleshed out enough of the ideas of our piss storm rain cloud idea. I say, that's not my job.

I'm a visionary. In many ways, we're better than Steve Jobs, because we're not even like asking for all the money from this thing. We would love, I mean, a little bit of money would be really nice. But even if you don't, basically, even if you don't give us any money, we have no legal recourse. Because on this podcast, we've said so many. times that people can use these ideas and just that we would like a little bit of credit,

but obviously credit is not necessary because we don't need it. No. No, and we have no way of pursuing you. That's right. Not a single way. And even if we did, we wouldn't get around to it. That's right. Like most things in our life, including living, we won't get around to it. Correct. I, you know, you know that feeling Alistair where you, um, you're it's it's usually as you're going to sleep but not always no of course not where you have a thought right you have a full thought a human thought and then you get to the yeah a fuel human-sized and human-scoped thought and you get to the end of the thought and then your brain

deletes all of the thought except and you're left with nothing except the knowledge that you had a thought and you don't have and you and you remember the feeling of having the whole thought Yeah. Right. But you don't, don't have a single one of the details. David Lynch would talk about that all the time. He goes, write down your ideas. Because if you forget one, you'll want to kill yourself.

Yeah, I think about that often. And it's true. But I think that that feeling is probably what dying will feel like. Oh, everything will go. I think you'll remember that. there was a life. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a good process of falling, of dying. Like to think of it and you go at first it's just, you're kind of remembering your life. And then you can't quite access those memories. And so then now you just remember that you were remembering a life. And then you'll forget that you were remembering. And you'll think, what was I doing here? Yeah.

And that'll probably be the last thing. And then you'll die. The last thought. Wait, what was I? What did I come in here for? Oh. And then you go back to heaven and they say, did you get it? And you go, what?

We sent you down there to get the code. What code? Oh. I forgot. They're like, no. All right, you're going back into another baby. And they cram you into a baby. You're full-sized, and they ram you in there.

Full-sized soul and a tiny little baby. Yeah, yeah. They squeeze you in like it's a suitcase on the last day of a holiday. And you've been doing lots of souvenir shopping. Isn't it great how souvenir shopping? are like, like, here's some shit no one here who lives here would ever buy. It's all fucking crap. Yeah. It's, it's crazy. It's all, yeah, it's all like.

Take this back to your country. We don't want it. It sounds, it sounds crazy to build a shop that you, that nobody who lives near it would ever consider shopping there. Yeah, like, and we'll put up a big sign, which, uh, which translates directly as fuck off. Fuck off if you live here. Yeah. It's a great idea for it.

That's why business is so not always intuitive, Andy. You know, it takes a real business genius to think, what about a shop for no one who lives here? And nothing here will be useful in any way. Oh yeah None of the things do anything And when you get at home You'll almost immediately think

I should throw this away Yeah And aesthetically They're going to be some of the most repulsive things You can imagine So like Yeah when I said they don't do anything I know what you were thinking

Oh so it's like art It's form It doesn't have a function but its function is to be beautiful. No, wrong. These things, they'll make you, like, when you see all of them together in the shop, you're going to want to be sick.

You're sick in the stomach to look at them. If you were seen with it, you will be a laughing stock. There'll be nothing in the shop that you could be sick into. What is this called again? The tourist shop, what is it called? Souvenirs shop. Souvenile show. Yes, that's a fucking French word, mate.

you're in you're in bloody uh i just accidentally wrote the souvenir ship oh that's a good idea isn't yeah it's going from port to port yeah do you want to remember and it's just a it's a souvenir shop that goes from port to port do you remember when we came to your port it's good you know remember when you came into the souvenir shop that's uh just generic souvenirs i was I was at a place. I went somewhere. Yeah. Just generic.

Oh, yeah. I, uh, um, some bits were good. I wonder if you could do this. You could do a shop where it puts a photo of every person that's ever gone into it onto the wall. So you could probably do it with a screen that as they're walking in, you take a photo like that. And so when very few people have been there, uh,

you know, their photo will be much bigger. But as the years go on, it'll get smaller. But you'll sometimes want to take people back to the shop just to show them your photo on the wall. It's a really good idea. You know? Yeah. And maybe you can send them photo. They can buy photos of themselves on the mug or on the, you know, maybe on a little keychain or photos of anybody else who's been in there.

What about somebody who goes into bottle shops and steals the pictures they have up from behind the counter of the people who've been stealing from there? That's really good. And if they were stealing the photo of themselves, right? Progressively each time the picture that the cameras captured would have a smaller, them holding a photo of themselves getting smaller and smaller and smaller to infinity. This guy comes in here and he nicks the picture. behind their counter of people not to allow in. That's really good.

That's really good. I mean, that would actually be a good, a fun thing to add to you. Remember that time I had a bit about that, about how one time I was in there, I was in a bottle shop, not in there, not just generic there. But, and a guy came in,

and I recognized them from one of the photos, and I said, you can't, you can't buy here, I'm sorry. and he goes, why? And I said, because between, on this day, like May 12th, whatever, you came in here, and you stole a can of beer or whatever. And he goes, well, that's impossible. This is what he says.

That's impossible because on May 12th, I was in prison. And I went, well, it says here that you are. something like that I can't remember I think I might have just told him the date first and then I said well there's a photo of you here and he goes oh is there

all right then and then he just left and then he left picks or it didn't happen and then the idea that he would come back and then steal that photo so that he could shop there is a very good idea

very good he snatched it he said can I see that and he snatched it out of our hands out of my hands not our hands it didn't need two people to lift up the picture

it was two of us holding the photo it was really big we had it framed we had white gloves on and it was like those guys who bring the art into the archibald prize it was a guy who was

actually a billionaire who was looking to buy it that's a great nobody's done that for the archibald prize painted an Australian celebrity, but in the style of one of those photos, they take at a bottle shop when you're nicking whiskey.

You know, it'd be beautiful sort of like that high angle like that. You're there looking over your shoulder. Yeah. But it's one of Dave Hughes, and it's him stealing his popularity with the Australian public. Really good. Yeah. Really good. He's taken it away.

Fucking hell. It's just a shame that his lurched the right has coincided with his lurched to looking like the most fucked bloke imaginable. Yeah, the way... Like what's up with his skin?

He looks terrible. It wasn't helping him, I guess, that his lips seemed to be bleeding a lot recently. Yes. He's so... And he looks so... dry. Remember how dry Tony Abbott used to look all the time? Yeah. He usually looks even drier.

I know. I always feel like Abbott had a mixture of dry, but also like he could be slimy. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. A kind of dry slime. Yeah. Maybe a graphite. Yeah. Yeah. I like maybe like a, like a sort of a very thin layer of kind of like of solidified amber. You know, very thin. like that, you know, so you could picture cracks in it, but also a tiny bit of sheen. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't think they hydrate these... Right-wingers? Right-wingers? Well, drinking water's gay.

It's true. It is. It does feel that way when I do it. Yeah. Oh, you're holding a cylinder to your mouth and letting liquid pour into your mouth? Oh, okay. If you're doing it right. Okay, babe.

I have three words from a listener, Andy. Now, as you know, my Google, my Gmail has started showing me further and further things. So these, I'm going deeper into the vault for three words. And this one is from 20. Yeah, I wonder why this is. Do you think this could be AI now that they're used, it could be something to do with them putting fucking AI in our email inboxes? Yeah. That might be that.

Anyway, I found some unused words from 2019, April 30th. I mean, these have been beautifully aged. Yeah. When you lay them down like that in your unread emails. This is three days after I got married. This was sent to us by the Dog Hair Network. This is pre-COVID. Yeah.

Do you remember the Dog Hair Network? You did it. I do remember the Dog Hair Network. It was the podcast network of Rory Spence, who is now a stand-up comedian in Scotland. Hello, Rory. I don't think you still listen, but hello Rory. But hey, Rory, man, this is great. Oh, this is an absolute trip down memory, memory.

This is done, Memoli Rain. Memily rain. Fuck it, hell. I told you I wouldn't let you, I wouldn't let you slod anyway. any if I can fuck up why that day. I am coiled like a spring mate. Now,

the dog hair network says... You're going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one over me and you did. And you did. Really. And it turned out it wasn't early enough. It wasn't quite. But it might have contributed to your slip of the tongue. Andy,

the dog hair network says in 2019, here are some words, full stop. Three to be exact, full stop. And then there's the three words. Now before you say the words, and before you guess the first word,

I would consider put in a little bit of contemplation. Good reminder. First word, weed. W-W-D. You started with the right letter. And the last letter, is the second last letter in this in this word the first word is

worlds world's apostrophe s yeah yeah yeah yeah so it's going to be like a like a whatever that word you know that category of words is you know like an exemplifier or whatever it's going to be like biggest longest greatest

world's greatest is that what you're going for with the word's greatest yep did you apply any any contemplation to this second word? Mate, I turned all my data centers to the problem of cracking this. Okay, all right, here I go.

Second word, harshest. World's harshest. Toilet paper, hyphenated. Third word is, you got the last letter, but it was the first letter of yours. Okay. accent world's harshest accent

wow I mean I have heard some where you're like I could use this to clean the varnish off wood this is I mean this is rough stuff I have a feeling that Rory

is maybe from Glasgow and yeah strong contender this might be a reference to us talking about it possibly being the world's harshest accent

I'm not sure you should you should be able get a bunch of Scottish people in a room and just have them talk at an old cabinet until it's back to bare wood. Oh yeah, take all the shellac off. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that is so abrasive. I mean, it'd be cool to do that maybe even a salon that you could go to and you strip down to your bare ass. Yeah, and they exfoliate you. And then you go, yeah, that's right, you go and stand around like maybe sort of three

Glasgowesian men, three Glasgowesian women and they just talk at you. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Do they talk at you or they talk to each other? I think they talk at you. I think it's got to be aimed right at you or else they'll be taking the skin off each other's faces. Well, no. We know that they have built up a resistance to this. They're resilient into Glasgowian conversation. Otherwise they'd be a

stink, Alastair. Well, we don't know. They'd just be... We don't know, though. They could just be skinless. You're right. You're right. But, you know, because I mean, if they were commenting on your body and then ribbon and...

Especially the ribbonin. I think this would be a beautiful... A beautiful scene. A beautiful... You know, you could have this as an infomercial. for a new exfoliating procedure on a morning television, it'd be great to see the person completely naked there

surrounded by Glasgowians. That's one of the main reasons I'm filming this to get to see a person naked. All the Glasgow Asians, they're all holding a pint, even the children. Yes. In fact, the children are holding all the pints. Oh.

They're holding a pint in each hand and one in each foot and one under the crook of each arm. Oh, yes. In the crook, right there in the crook. I think, you know, what do you think? How many pints do you think you could hold under one arm? I reckon I could probably do five. Do you think that would be hard? I'm starting right up at the pit, at the arm pit.

Is that the crook? Is that what you call the crook? That's the crook. I'd call that the crook. Yeah. Yeah. No, I reckon five per arm. I reckon I could do six just to beat you.

Yeah. Got three in the upper arm, three in the lower arm. So they got them wrapped around my body, pressed up hard. I'd need someone to help insert them, obviously. Load me up before I climb. Yeah, maybe if you held it all the way up to like. Benavis or whatever. The hand was up near the shoulder.

under the hand you could maybe get two or at least one and a half. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, it's a good world record, a Guinness World Record that involves actual Guinness. Oh, yes. And there aren't enough of those. You know what? The beer company should get into world records.

They should. Yeah. And then they could call. We should. They could call. Reunite the clans, the Guinness clans. Yeah. But maybe they just go with a different name.

Um, oh, maybe. They don't match you, okay? They go Corona World Records. Tom's. Tom's. Hineken World Records. Oh, that's perfect. No, it's a different company.

The Heineken Book of World Records. It's a different company. It's the Guinness Beer Company. It does. Heineken World Records. Yeah. World Records. Yeah, I know.

I know. Alistair, I had something. And let me tell you, I'm having a real lynch. moment where I can't remember the idea, but I just want you to know that it was so fucking funny. Yeah. I mean, people would have been shitting their heads off. Yiffin? This, yiffin. They would have been yiffin. They would have been pipp. What is yiffing?

Is that, is that, um, is that, um, is that, um, is that, um, dressing up as an animal to have sex? Uh, I think so. So, yeah. Sexual activity. Um, in, um, um, is that, um, um, is that animal, um, um, um, um, um, um, is that is that. furry subculture. Yeah, okay. They would have been yiffing themselves. Mm-hmm. Oh, this is going to kill me. Yeah.

I don't want to kill yourself. I can't do lynch. Not like all the other accents I can do. I can't do lynch, not like all the other accents I can do. Said it before it, I'll say it again. You have a gift. Yeah. You have a gift for music.

Thank you. Andy. One day I will, I'll start doing music. I reckon we've done it, Alistair. I think you should. We don't want to spend a couple more minutes waiting to hear you figure out whether or not you can remember the thing. It's really, it's agonizing. It was when we were talking about standing around children holding pints. It was something in that area. Okay. Well, it's a modeling, here's the sketch ideas for today. We've got the model agency where they won't sleep with you, but they also can't get your jobs.

We've got, have you considered modeling? No. Good. And this guy who asks that also runs a school on how to stay out of modeling, and he will try to sleep with you. We've got guy who scouts Shays Longs. Mm. For Shays Longs.

And then we got the... It's a great Tom White's quote. quote about he loves the transformative power of music about how you can something like I I'm not sure if that's the exact way in but he's like a you know I can't do his voice the lid off an oil drum you know it spends its whole life being the lid off an oil drum but you pick it up drill a hole through the middle tie it to a rope and hang it from the roof of a warehouse and start bashing it with a drumstick and you're like now you're in show business baby I mean, that's fun.

Yeah. Then we've got the upper echelots and whatever that will be. Whatever that will be. We don't even need to worry about it. We don't even worry because we know there's so many things that it can be. We've got the guy who wants to make whale from scratch and he starts trying to find lots of blood. I'm going to need blood. What's the three-step process?

What's the first you get the money? Then you get the power, then you get the women. What's that, but for whales? First you get the blood. First you get the blood. Then you get the sort of... Then you get the, like, a container. Then you have the whale.

Yeah, like then you get a big rubber sock, basically. Yeah. I guess. I mean, I do think we've got it wrong. I think it would be so much easier to keep all the blood if you had the big rubber sock first. But, you know, maybe... I think you can't.

You probably just need to find a whole lot of fat that you can sew together. You know? Yeah. Because all those bits, stuff like fat, it's not really that alive. So that's an easy bit. Yeah. Is my fat alive? Yeah, we've talked about this before, but it's just like so crazy that you can suck fat out from one part of the body and stick it in another bit of the body.

How is that not then just dead flesh? Yeah. How does that like, and what? And then it just works out how to make. it in your lips it's been butt fat. No, I don't think it figures out how to make it. I think it probably does get absorbed and moved away at certain points, maybe. It's crazy.

I think a lot of like plastic surgery stuff shifts over time, like a building that's just, you know, that's sort of reorganizing the ground beneath it. And then we have the tech company that allows you to, you to, you know, to get a warm rain, a piss warm rain anywhere. Yeah. Then we've got the shop. No neighbors would ever want to shop in the souvenir shop. And maybe the history of the business man who invented the souvenir shop.

We've got guy who steal. Imagine going to a person's house in Australia, an Australian, someone who's lived here their whole life. and they have a lot of Australia souvenirs. Yeah. They do a lot of their shopping at the souvenir shop. I imagine that those are the kind of people who vote for One Nation. But you know what's crazy is that in Canada,

it doesn't seem like people consider that as weird to, like, buy a shirt or a hat that has the name of the city that they're in and wear that. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is weird. Well, not to them. That's the thing, is that it's like, yeah, I've seen people with Montreal hats. and it's like, oh, that's a weird.

I would have thought that's weird, but I guess I would have thought it's weird because I thought I would be mocked if I did that in Australia. And so here... People think normal stuff, weird stuff is normal over there. Yeah, that's another thing.

Weird is normal to them. That's a hat. Weird is normal to me. It's a really bad hat. That's really good, actually. That's really good. David Lynch could have worn that hat. That would have been really...

I mean, you wouldn't have been able to see his excellent hair. Maybe it's a visor. So the hair can still come out at the top. It is normal to me. But it would have been so appropriate for him. Yeah. Then we got a guy who steals picture of himself stealing at the shop. Mm-hmm.

And then we got the Glaswegian salon where you're talked at by Glaswegians, and it completely exfoliates your body from the abrasiveness of the accent. Mm-hmm. Yeah, maybe they could use it to strip the bottom of ships. Oh, yes. You know, you get all the barnacles on. Well, that's the thing is that if you park your boat in the Caribbean, you've got to get all the barnacles off the,

off the, with the spinning bit there. And apparently that has a huge impact on how energy efficient your ship is. Get some Gladysian people there and talk underwater. There you go. Should we wrap it up, Andy? Yeah, man. I'm David Lynch I'm living on the beach

I'm a big pink helmet and I'll wear it in the sea It's very very heavy And it makes it hard to swim But it's worth it because weird is normal to me Thank you so much for listening Can I promote a couple things I'm doing

Oh I wish you would Shows with Do Go on on This Friday I'm doing one in Montreal A Theatre St. Catherine if you want to come go to masjadcom. I am so jealous of you and Matt getting to hang out over there and do that. Yeah.

I feel sick. Yeah, I know I got to hang out with Jess and Dave and Matt and stay in their Airbnb and sleep on their couch. I'm going to try to get a pie to Dave Warnocky this Friday at Tourtier. Yeah, and then. And then, but they're also, they're doing shows on Saturday that do go on, and I'm going to be doing a little mini report on that. And I'm doing a little report on, no, I'm not doing any other reports,

but I'm doing another show on Sunday in Toronto, and they're doing two shows in Toronto. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So you got to get there. You got to get there. Come see us. I also did the Kids Podcast Radio Nonsense. So if you want to listen to that, go find a little. radio nonsense

where I talk some crap for kids It's crap for kids Yeah Like, you know what I mean Like talking crap I wasn't gonna use Horrible language

That you would expect Of course Andy I guess we should wrap up This episode I think we should Let's put a bloody bow on it Because you know what

Everybody Out there in listen land We love Love you you bye bye