Two In The Think Tank - 544 - "WILD MILKED MOOSE YOGHURT"

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

Chickpea Can Farter, Counterfeit Pig Cheese, Wild Milked Moose Yoghurt, MILF Yoghurt, 1 Million Buck Borrow, Job Battles, Door to Door Scorpion Salesman, Focus Pocus, Sexy Workplace Accident Calendar, Regular Photos of You Calendar, Calendar of Photos You Can SmellListen to Alasdair's Bobby Logs Stories for kidsYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, I do. Beans and juice. Beans and juice and beans and juice and beans and juice and beans and beans and juice and beans and beans and juice. And welcome to To In the Think Tank the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Sketch ideas. I'm Andy. Am I also George William Trumbly, Birchall? You know, the thing where they do bean, you know, like, okay, so something, you know, like, particularly I guess tuna.

They do tuna and water, which I think is awful. Really? What would you, oh, I mean, obviously oil is the alternative for a hundred right? Oil is the alternative. And you prefer oil. Yeah. And the same thing with sardines, they also do the extra one where they do tomato sauce.

They will do it in a... It feels like a big choice. That feels like a big bold choice. Sure. But I guess they do that with beans too. They do beans in tomato sauce for if you haven't baked beans. They don't do beans in water, do they? They should.

Well, they do with beans in sort of like some kind of thick. Yes. Aquafarba, which is bean water. But that's the one in, is that the one that's just... Is that only in chickpeas? Chickpeas, I think. Is that limited to chickpeas? That's their water. That's their water.

I wonder, you know, how about this as a sketch idea? I realize I may have thought of this yesterday. But how about it's an interview with the guy who puts a fart in every can of chickpeas so that they can smell like that. Now, is this like, is this, is this, is this an idea? Is this, is this like a cultural thing? The idea of like, oh, there's a fart in every can. It feels like that.

It feels like it's almost feels like a slogan. Like, part of me doesn't feel like any chickpea company would, would do that, would use that. Would have the balls to admit that that's what they do. But maybe that's what makes it so brilliant. I don't know. But there was, I mean, surely something's got to make them be like that, right? Yeah, I mean, of course.

Yeah. I mean, I guess what you would have is probably you would have the first company to come out and say, we're making our chickpeas without a guy who farts in the can. Yeah. To distinguish themselves. Or maybe people will start to. discover that they come out and they say that the man who does the farts in the can lives in really good conditions or something in the factory.

He's not abused. They come out to say that they have really humane conditions for the guy who farts in the cans. You know how it could get launched? Is that it could be just one of those like interviews on the streets, kind of like TikToks where somebody asks him, hey, what do you do? You know? And then that's how the world discovers that there's a guy who farts in the cans.

And then at first they try to, companies try to pivot because there's a big reaction to it. I don't want to be eating people's farts, blah, blah, like that. And then a company does start doing it without. And then people realize the chickpeas just aren't as good. Yeah, or everybody, everybody's up in arms. all except for one chickpea company say we're not going to we're no longer going to have the guy fighting cans and all those guys get fired and they're out on the streets and they have to go home to their families and say I lost my child farting of the chickpea cans and and you know

everybody's buying the chickpea cans without the farts but then some some of the customers start to secretly yearn for the ones that had the farts in them. There's just something missing. Yeah. It's just an old technique. I can imagine a husband who secretly gets the labels off the fart and the can ones and wraps them around the other way around, you know, like he takes the label off and he puts on the label from the other can

and brings it home and says loudly to his wife, got more chickpeas without farts in them definitely no farts in these chickpeas that I got today see and then the wife like and the kids are all going see it does taste better see these ones are better I think I'm getting more used to it yeah I'm getting more used to it now these are better without the farts yeah that's good and he's like oh yeah and finally I got my fart tice back He has to lie to his family. Yeah.

But deep down I think they know and they're just happy that they found a way to live. Right. Yeah. He's not even like one day they... He's not even trying hard with sticking the label on properly.

Like it's obviously just badly sticky taped. Yeah. Maybe one day a kid catches him changing the thing and he's like, the kid's like, Dad, we know you don't need to keep doing it. It's okay.

It's okay We've accepted that that's what we want to We want the fire And then the dad says No but I I discovered I like lying to you You might have to find a new lie And he has to find a new lie

What's he going to do Let's say you had to I've been buying A2 milk And putting it into a bottle That's not A2 Is A2 a good one? What is A2 again? They have said we only get used cows that produce the A2 milk protein or something.

Apparently there's some unique cows out there. Some of them aren't doing the work to make the A2 protein and others are. And apparently this may or may not have some digestive benefit. And, you know, it's like anything. For you or for them? Try and we've got to just got to try and come up with some kind of difference, some point of difference when all our, everything is indistinguishable white liquid. You know, like any company. White manilian liquid.

Yes. Did you know that it's incredibly hard to milk pigs? No, but I can imagine. Yeah. one of the main reasons is because they don't want to be milked. Mm. I've seen them with their little piglets, though, they just lie on their side, looking so defeated. Yeah, but do you consider that a pig getting milked, or do you consider that of a mother feeding its young?

Sort of one of the most natural instincts. Sure, sure. I mean, I was imagining that when the piglets come for her, she squeals and she runs. Run and knocks them over and bites them over and bites them. them and tries to eat them. And there's, but there's just so many of them. And it does look like there's a lot.

And they overpower her. They run her until she's exhausted. Yeah. And they feast on the carcass. Yeah. And that's how they stay so fit. I don't think pigs are supposed to be that big. I think, like, when you see them out in the wild, they really run.

They run a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I, um, yeah, those hogs, sure. Yeah. I think, uh, that if there was pig milk in the supermarket, if I saw it there, in a small fire engine red, uh, carton at the end of the, end of the lane. I would consider buying it.

In fact, I probably would buy it at least once, just to see what it was like. And, you know, the fact that it was milked from reluctant pigs, maybe that would add to the, it's forbidden nature. Yeah. I mean, what about this? What about this? We go into business together, counterfeit pig cheese.

Is it so it's not really, from pig milk? Well, we just say that it's pig cheese. We don't go into details about whether or not we actually milked pigs. Okay.

We can probably, I think pig has enough variation of meaning that we could probably get away with almost anything. Sure. Okay. Putting anything in there.

We just got to put something in there that is cheese-like, but it's also, it's got to be a little bit weird. I mean, have we talked about this, the quest to milk the most dangerous game? Like, I feel like I would have a lot more respect for hunters if the way that they got these animals, you know, the protein, the sustenance from these magnificent wild beasts was not by shooting them to kill them, but by sneaking up on them to milk them. I mean, I think you would have a very different vibe, very different cachet. I mean, even if you felt more masculine, you know, like those things, I guess the idea is like,

because sometimes they're like, oh, I destroyed a huge beast or whatever like that, and that's what makes them feel big and strong. You know, if instead you got all those endorphins from knowing that you sort of seduced and kind of, you know, charmed a moose. into laying down and letting you sort of, I guess, milk it. Oh, right. Yeah. Milket for commercial benefit.

Yeah, of course. You know, I feel like that's better than that thing that, you know, like Wolfo Wall Street thing where you can sell a pen to anybody. Sure, I can convince any animal to let me milk it. Wild milked. Imagine that wild milked moose yogurt. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, wild milked moose yogurt. We got one guy who lives out in the Canadian wilderness.

And he just travels with the herds of moose. I guess he could go back and forth. Couldn't you? Oh, my gosh, Andy. I mean, it's selling itself. Wild milked. Wild milked. No, it's still moose yogurt, I think. Even though Moose Moose has a pleasing nature.

Of course, yeah, it's just whipped yogurt. Yeah. Sweetened and whipped. How would you feel if we discovered that the way the guy milks the moosen is by dressing himself up as a little baby moose and sucking it out of the teat and then spitting it into a little jar he has strapped to his chest. I like to think he has like a sort of like some kind of mouth condom. I like to think that too.

You know, like a reverse camel pack. Yeah, yeah, you're right. You know, a little reverse camel pack that allows you to suck it out and it goes into a pouch on your back. Mm. You know, and I do think, I do think it's a good idea traveling around as like a sort of a, Because also a moose, you know, a moose young. I feel like you could convince a moose of that, that you're that. Yeah, I mean, they already look stupid.

I mean, that shape of that head is just ridiculous. Yeah. And I think deep down they probably know that they look silly. And they will probably won't look too closely or criticize. costume. Who would they argue? I imagine you could almost create a sort of a moose costume that is actually a little improvement on the moose baby.

And that they would actually be more. Yeah, they'd probably give up their own young. Yeah, of course. You're absolutely gorgeous, that's the secret. Yeah. To be the best. A hot moose baby in your area looking for milks. For a moose I'd like to milk.

Milms. Milf. I wonder if you would buy milf, a jar of a carton of milk. A milf, how good? This thing we've been really enjoying, you know, how we thought. It said, it looks like it says, made from real milk. Yeah. Looked more closely and it says, made from real milk.

Oh my gosh. Put the back. But you could have like milf dairy products just because you know that they've at least been, they've bore young. Yes. That's what makes them the M. That's where the M implies. So, or the M could be milk made. I mean, at this point, I guess they've had to have been pregnant once.

But this could be that because internet porn has become so widespread and so value. that a lot of the milfs are having to transfer into producing dairy instead. Yeah, of course. Well, we'll all have to retrain soon, I think. So I think that's fine and that'll, you know, and we'll celebrate them, I like to think. Of course. I mean, I think we'll celebrate any source of nutrition when everything comes. collapses.

Yeah. Isn't that great that it feels like if AI is successful, the economy will collapse, and if AI fails, the economy will collapse. We've got ourselves into a really good situation. Yeah. I mean, I'm not that worried about the, yeah. You know, like that stuff? Because I mean, like, you know, 2008, they talk about it being this really bad thing.

I don't think it was bad for us in any way. People who don't have, people who don't have, like, investments in the stock market, I think it affects us in no way whatsoever. It's interesting. I think people did, a lot of people did lose their jobs. Yeah, there's a bit of that. How many people did you know lost their jobs? Well, I was working in engineering.

Yeah. When that happened. And they came in one Monday and they were just like, we got to fire 30% of everyone. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's already been happening. Stay at your desks.

and we'll call you in and they called people in one by one to tell them if they were fired. I'm sure I've told this story before. And you got to stay? Well, I didn't want to stay. I was planning to resign on the following week. Yeah, right.

And so I went up and knocked on the window of the room where they were calling people into to fire them and said, I'm going to quit anyway. If you weren't going to fire, me can you fire me instead of somebody else and they said oh thanks for letting us know they looked so annoyed when i knocked on the window i assume they thought i was coming to beg for my job or something and then but of course i mean even if they were going to fire me they probably just

would have chosen not to because then they could have just not given me a redundancy i didn't think it through i was trying to do the right thing so did they know giving you a redundancy? No. No. They said, oh, we won't get to fire you anyway.

And we can't change the list. And so, yeah. Oh, that's crazy. That's crazy. Oh, man.

That's my dream. It's like, I don't even really want to have a big job, but I want to get a redundancy package. Of course. A package? Oh, my gosh. What's in that package?

Is it money? It is? I think it is, yeah. That's great. It's nice of you to put it in a little package, though. Yeah, exactly. That or a golden parachute? Oh, you know what?

That's even better, actually. Yeah. I think. Because, you know, you're falling harder. Is it a golden parachute when you've sort of been fired, usually for, like, doing a terrible job? Is that? I'm not sure.

Is that part of the golden parachute equation? What is golden parachute? Because you hear it most often in terms of like a CEO or something who's been let go and then they get like $8 million. Yeah, it just guarantees massive financial benefits to top executives if their employment ends due to a company merger or takeover. Right. Oh, geez. Massive. Massive. Yeah. Like this money has mass.

Has a huge mass. I mean, what would be really nice if, you know, I don't know, Alistair, I don't know if this would work. But like if you and I, you know, if we could just somehow between us get like a million dollars. And then we could just give it back and forth to each other, not spend it. That would have to be the deal. but like but just give each other payoffs you know

yeah that would be really good I could fire one week I could fire you from the podcast and give you a really big payout and then another week we could pretend that we've just been acquired and give both of ourselves payouts oh man I would love that

I think a service that would be just the money transfer the money transferring from one bank account to another would probably cause a lot of flags to go up and be a real pain in the ass to explain to tax authorities. But, God, it would be fun. They'd be fun. I think, you know, there should be a service that you can sign up to where they'll just put a million bucks in your account and leave it in there for a little bit, just so that you can go and look at it. Just look at the numbers. Just see if they can even fit on the screen of your

phone banking app and be like, oh, and then it goes away again. But like, it just comes and resides in your account. I would love that.

Is that a sketch idea? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, the company that just lets you just have a million bucks. Million's not even that much anymore. Come on. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing is that it's not, just the fact that they say it's not very much anymore.

is so insulting it would keep me going for 20 to 40 years yeah you know yeah and and you would be so happy in that time

I would be so happy and live have a much higher quality of life and they're like it's not even very much anymore you go you know what shut up that's how good your life's going yeah

Oh, think of all the things you'd be able to do. Don't. Oh, get piano lessons? Yes, Alastair. God, you could have that music career I've always wanted for you. Thank you. I mean, imagine that. Finally, I could be one of those, one of those sort of, like,

artists who has a lot of money. You know, those guys. You know, who can take much bigger, risks. I still think you're, you know, you've got, you've got adult prodigy material. So as soon as you can get behind the wheel of that big old grand piano. Yeah.

I still think, yeah, the term prodigy needs to be open to adults. It needs to, it just needs to be counted from the moment you start doing the thing. To when they. Start really trying. Not the first time you sit down, you know. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so then when they, to, when you're like, yeah, to when you're exactly really trying and pretty good. So that's the,

that's the time when they should be calculating. Not how old you are when you're, I've talked about this, but yeah, from when you're young and you got all that free time, that doesn't count. You're right. You're right. That almost that, that, that's not impressive at all. Your brain's really plastic. He's got no responsibilities. Yeah. He doesn't have anything else to think about. Someone else is playing for the lessons. Yeah. No, I completely agree. I think, you know, and then, yes, obviously, I'm sure we've talked about the dream to be a geriatric prodigy to be there. I mean, they sort of do that a little bit.

They sort of celebrate that a little bit because, you know, they'll have like, Anne Suzanne has just finished her university degree at 92. Yeah, well, like, he's done. his first marathon at 85. And they're like, they really lower the bar, though, to get those geriatric prodigies. It's just like when you're geriatric, it's more that you did anything at all. Not that you did it to an impressive level. Maybe there'll be some people who, like, write their first novel at, like, 68.

And they'll get, like, some real heat out of that. And that kind of might be good. Yeah. I'm holding on to that. That's what I'm doing for. I tell you, I started listening to a, I started not listening. This time I was reading a book, right? And it started with a really great idea.

You know, let's me just get the name. I think it's, the name of the book is the man who was, no, wait, no, it wasn't that. Or is it? Wait, the man who was Thursday? Yeah, the man who was Thursday? I've heard. of this title. It's a great title. What's the idea? Well, the first, the first thing that happens in the first chapter is a poet fight.

Yes. Already a great idea. And so it's like, they're at some, like, kind of artistic community kind of thing, somewhere in London. And this, uh, this poet is kind of like scraggly kind of poet who's a bit of an anarchist. It's kind of holding court. And then this other poet shows up and he's like more like he loves the rules. And he starts kind of like challenging him and his beliefs. And they have a real poet off. They do it with, you know, fancy language.

Do they like, do they make poetry? Do they like poet at each other? Well, it's not like a, it's not like a rap battle or anything else. like that, but they do use, you know, I guess, like in the same way that you would in talking, use sort of language flourishes and metaphors and synonyms in order to sort of like, you know, explain themselves, and then they have a bit of a poet off. And one kind of, one is, it kind of gets a bit butt hurt by it after he sort of loses. and it leads us to the next part of the show, the book.

That sounds like a great start. You know how people do a simulation of like, this is what it would be like if a kodiak bear fought a Bengal tiger. Yeah. You know, we should do that with all the different professions. Yeah, all the writers. What it would be like if a poet fought a fitter and Turner. Oh, yeah, great.

It would be like if a, let's see, a door to door salesman fought a witness. I mean, that's a great one. That's a really good one. And just to be clear, it is a physical fight. Yeah, it's a physical fight. Yeah, yeah. And in some way, maybe, yeah, maybe the guy's sort of knocking hand and strong wrist from that, you know, gives him an advantage over, you know, the big wet boobs, full boobs ready to burst. Absolutely.

But also, a wet nurse is a type of nurse, and they do have a lot of strength and comfortable shoes. Yeah, and anatomy, knowledge of anatomy. Knowledge of that often, I guess, access to common drugs. Yes, and access to a lot of complaints about the nursing system. That's something I've noticed about nurses. Yeah. They have a lot of dissatisfaction that they're looking to give voice to. That's right, yeah.

And then I guess a door-to-door salesman. I mean, he might have access to whatever he's selling. That's the thing is that it could be knives, it could also be Bibles. Oh, yeah. Here a big thing is they're always trying to sell you, like to resurface your driveway. Really?

Yeah, like painted black and, or like a guy came today with, he said he had some extra asphalt. Right, you got to get rid of it. Yeah. I'm going to put it on your driveway? I've never occurred to me

that that was the thing that I could do or have done. Yeah, it doesn't seem to me like something that I would feel ever moved to be like rush into. I think door-to-door sales is actually illegal in Australia. Right. Possibly. What would you sell door-to-door if you could

if it was legal, obviously. Oh. I mean, I do love the idea of selling milk door to door, of lugging. I'm not just talking about being a milk man who delivers milk. I feel like being out there hitting the pavement all day, lugging my big bottles of milk in the hot sun. Glass bottles? No, there's something really, I think, like,

have you ever seen just like somebody's left a whole bottle of milk on the side of the road? like a plastic bottle and it's just like swollen like that yeah um there's something so uh visceral yeah that i think i would have to go with plastic bottles two liter plastic bottles and how many would you think you would have on your person or do would you have like a wagon or something i think i've got them on my back i'm humping them around um i'm trying to yeah beautiful terminology i got to say thank you No, but let's say something that isn't milk because obviously this has been a milk-heavy episode. No, I think that's fine. No, no, no, Andy, I mean, what about scorpions?

Okay. And then you get a little side thing of like scorpion enclosures. Yeah. Because if you all have them sort of in my pockets? Yeah, I mean, I like to think maybe you have them in like little mesh bags. You know, little mesh bags. bags like those fancy ones that tea bags

kind of come in sometimes that put a lot of microplastics in your water yeah great great those ones but for scorpions and then you could have those in your pockets and then because imagine it's like an impressively an impressive sized scorpion or it's close or about it up

like a like a crab at a fish market yeah yeah we could do that although it's not really its claws that are the issue i guess it's supposed to its tail maybe it has a little cork on the end of its tail yeah i think that's good um and then and then a little like if i told you you don't have to really you only need to feed this once every two weeks and here's a beautiful enclosure and they're happy living in this thing and it's like it's the size of your computer screen or whatever it's not

that big yep would you do you think you'd scorpion, this is the enclosure. Yeah. Do you think that you would ever need to, you would ever be interested in buying a scorpion and a sort of enclosure from a person at the door? Let's just try. Let's just see if I can convince you.

Yeah, yeah. Hello. I mean, that's the problem, isn't it? Like, it's always like sell me this pen. It's never sell me this scorpion. Hello. Hello? Hello.

Hi, yes. I'm selling, uh, I'm selling a things door to door. Oh, things. Yeah. Okay. Um, sure, come in. Um, thank you.

Thank you. I love things. What, uh, what type of things? Guess. Oh, oh, golly. Um, uh, New Springs for, uh, I guess, uh, no. Nope. No, okay.

Scorpions. Wow Would you like to see one? Here they are Here they are, here they are, look and I bring two I got two out They're each of these little beautiful bags

They're magnificent Look at their glistening shells In the sunlight there Do you want to know if they sting? Do they sting? They can Okay But not if you keep them in this enclosure, you'll be fine.

Oh, great. Why aren't they in the enclosure now? Well, those are sold separately. Okay. Right, what if I just buy the scorpion and the... Can I show it to... I see how this is. The scorpion's cheap, but if I want to buy the enclosure, it'll be very expensive.

No, thank you. Good day, sir. No, no, no, no. Slam. The scorpion's not cheap. Is what I'll do to the door when you're out. I promise you... No, the scorpion isn't cheap.

Oh, okay, okay, so the scorpion's really expensive, and then the enclosure's really cheap. No, thank you. Good day, sir. No, the enclosure's not cheap either. Okay, okay. They're both. They're both just above reasonably priced. Okay. Hmm.

But if you were to order one online, but think about this, if you were to order one online, you would have to pay for shipping. That's true Are these Comparatively these are pretty cheap Are these Are these an introduced species Are they Uh

Hang on This is Martin And this is Celine Now they are All right Do you think you would buy one You know what Celine is looking at me

In a way that makes me feel Like warm And And seen Yeah And look, I'll show it to you kids. Dad, Dad, Dad. Haven't had a woman in the home for a long, long time.

Yeah. Are you live alone? I think. You got a spare room? You'll notice. You've got to spare room? I do. You're looking for a lodger?

An enclosure to put you in? Yes. And it is just slightly above what you would expect to pay. Yeah, great. $30 a week? That's right. And seen. Alastair.

That was beautiful. I might as say that when I said the introduced species line, I was hoping that you would then, by name, introduce me to the scorpions. And you did it without breaking sweat. Without having to. Yeah. It was lucky.

That was pure luck, Andy. No, that was. That was talent. But was it talent on your part or on talent on mine? I think on you. You spotted an opportunity and you'd start it. You also spotted it. You also spotted it.

Nah, no. Nah. Look, I don't know. Door to Scorpion salesmen. It's not good. I think there's a lot that could be done with it that I'm. I was unable to do in an improv situation, and I apologize for my inability. It doesn't matter.

Andy, you've got to remember that every sketch has an infinite number of possibilities. That's true. The fact that you only did one of them, when you only attempted once, I think, is okay. Thanks. You know what I did yesterday? There's like an old country house that my family used to. My grandparents used to own that we used to go to when I was a kid, and I was like, my parents. This is your birth?

right. Your birthright, Alistair. Oh yeah. Did I send you photos? No, you didn't send me photos. But I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I'm not, I'm not trying to buy back. But I did, I did go and try to look at it. But it's like, it's all grown over.

Yeah, wow. Abandoned. It's all abandoned now. Yeah. It's returned to, yeah. It's returned to it.

Oh. It's one of the words. Sacks to be. Ball sacked, that'd be another one. Ball sacked, yeah, that's what it's called, we call that T-bagging. And then I guess just sacked from your place of employment. Yeah. Did you receive the photos just then?

I guess being hacky sacked, it'd be pretty bad as well. Oh, yeah. Whoa! Whoa, that is pretty derelict. And you're not kidding, it's gone back to the earth. Has it collapsed? Yeah. God damn.

It's just falling down. Yeah, I think that, you know, maybe in the ransack. Well, actually, it could have been snow. It could have been snow on it that might have helped make it collapse. Of course, snow. The forces of nature there are considerably more forceful, aren't they? Well, you can stack more water on top of things in its frozen state than you can here. It's much more stackable.

Yeah. It's been ran stacked. Yeah, like a tower of soup, you know? Yeah, the dream. Have you ever dreamed of a tower of soup? No, but it was a joke in Black Books. Black Books, yeah. Yeah.

It was good stuff. I apologize. I apologize for bringing up other shows. Only yesterday. You were watching that yesterday? No, I was thinking about it. What will be thinking about it? Thinking about the line.

Well, hauls will have their trinkets, which he birded says when he's accused of spending too much money on things it's very good it's a good line that is good

I'm so sorry that you're birthright the family farm that you're trying to buy back I'm not trying to buy back but it also belongs it no longer belongs to you know technically I trespassed. Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm admitting it on a podcast. I mean, I always, whenever a house is like completely destroyed or whatever like that, like it's just been let to go, I'm just like, what the fuck? You know how hard it is to get a house? You look, look, somebody's got to look after this house. Somebody's got a... My godfather had built it. Really?

Really. I'd be it in that sink as a child. It also does. It doesn't, yeah, I mean, I understand that there's the snow factor, but it doesn't feel like you've been alive long enough for a house to have fallen down in that time. Yeah, I think it's just been completely ignored. Yeah, I think your grandfather did a really bad job. Sorry. No. Sorry.

It was a pretty, it was decent. I'm, I reckon he did a great job. I am really, uh, I want you to, I want you to, you know what, Alistair? Um, I'm going to, I'm going to dedicate myself to coming back and fixing the family farm. rebuilding it and letting you grow those peaches there. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow, those Australian peaches. Those Australian peaches.

In the Quebec. Snow zone. Whoa. Yeah. That's going to be real interesting. But I guess it is my dream that you've imposed on me. Yep. It's your dream that I've been coming and whispering into your ear while you sleep.

Let's see. I'll just write, can you grow peaches in Canada? It says here, yes, commercial peach production does happen in Canada, specifically in two main regions, Ontario's Niagara Peninsula. Oh. And British Columbia's O'Connegan Valley. So that's, I mean, Niagara's only six hours from here.

That means there's a possibility. Yeah. You know. You might be within the peach rate. Yeah. You know, just because nobody's trying to do it here. Yes. Doesn't mean it's not possible. Yeah. They're French-speaking cowards. Wait a second. What?

I don't know what I'm saying. What about this, Andy? Focus, pocus. Oh, that's really good. That would have been good for our sketch years ago, it was just like there's just one magic spell that works in the whole world. It's the only one. And it's, I think it was the ocular repairum from Harry Potter, the one that prepares glasses. And then they figure out a way out to turn it into a... A weapon to destroy aircraft carriers?

Yeah. Yeah. But focus, Pocus is very good. I mean, you know what, there'd be a perfect name for one of these mind drugs. We should start making mind drugs, you know, like a neotropic kind of... Or just a drink, it'd be a drink. It's a drink that gives you focus. We find a few herbs and spices.

Just grab some stuff out of the cupboard. Chuck it in there. The name's good enough that it can sort of... The placebo effect will carry a lot of it. Like a health beer. Like a health beer, exactly. Brewing a nice healthy beer. That helps your focus with Gharana.

No, it's perfect. I do find that a small amount of beer does help you focus, I think because it shuts down bits of your brain, brain activity. Yeah. You feel like you can work pretty good on beer? You know what? I actually think I used to be able to. I think I now I can't.

I think now I'm old enough and my brain is already shutting down enough that just having a beer just makes me sleepy regardless. But there was a period of time where my brain was very active. and if I was trying to get some work done in the evening I could have a beer and it would help me to focus just on that one thing Well what about this one? It's like a it is a health beer It's a it's a work beer

And a business beer Yeah it's like a business beer And that you know You're encouraged to drink a case You're encouraged to drink a whole slab At work Because it actually does help you focus and makes you more interested in the work.

Yeah, and it doesn't make you go to the toilet heaps. It actually dries you out. It makes you go to the toilet less. It turns into the perfect turd. It only comes out as pooh-poos. Yeah, but so many hours later that you'll definitely be home by then. Yes, you're absolutely not.

Yeah, it's delayed. So even if you have one. Man, we've got to get our beer engineers onto this. Yeah. This is great. Yeah, it's the perfect, it's the perfect work drink. I can imagine them being very popular at the Amazon factory. Absolutely.

And it turns your other piss into the perfect turd as well. Wow, yeah, okay, great. Retcons, retrofits. your pee-p into poo-poo. I think that's great. Yeah, I think we should definitely get the guys, the boffins,

and the two in the think tank lab. You know how good it would be to actually like get funding for a research and development thing to make real products based on the sketch ideas that we have? Because a lot of these things, like as in you've got to think about it.

Like, these silly ideas, they're really just ideas. Every ideal idea seemed silly to start with. Yeah, like a hunting pillow. When we came up with that, boy, we laughed because obviously we were picturing people hunting sort of determinedly ill in their sort of hospital beds, sort of trying to like, I guess, drive them electronically through the forest. Is that what we were doing?

I think so. They had like an all-terrain gurney, autonomous gurney, and it was driving up and down, leaping down hills over rocks, and the hunters are out there trying to smother them. That's really great stuff. But to have producers and designers and stuff like that actually, you know, scouting land and developing sort of electronic gurneys

and, you know, sourcing the families who are looking to make a little extra. profit from a sad situation. Yeah. It's a capital heavy thing, obviously. You know, like you need to probably put a fair bit of money up top to get this thing off the ground. But I think once you do...

Yeah. And with AI destabilizing, you know, the sort of that market, they're looking for new places, new exciting places to put their money. Yes. You know? And this is one of those things that isn't going to be replaced by AI because it's, one, it's fun. It's the fun of the hunt. Yeah, it's human.

It's, yeah, and it's like, it's making, it's like end-of-life decisions. Yes, it's healthcare, really. And there's always going to be a need for that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. We should stop faffing about and just start doing it. Yeah. I don't think that the turd that the FocusPocus beer producers has to be perfect.

I think it could be catastrophic, but I think the fact that it's a delayed detonation after you've got enough time to get home to your domestic toilet, that's not the company's problem. that's right and and they and the customers don't need to know that it's designed like that you know the customers that's just something they find out through use yeah you know we don't have to put that on the label maybe if we're consulting with businesses that are looking for it then we can talk to them about that you say it to businesses but you don't openly say it to the uh you know in the advertising you know what if anything from the customer's point of you from the from the you know the employees' point of view, one's drinking this stuff.

I mean, I think they're going to be much less likely, like, asked to stay back late after work if the boss knows that there's a time bomb. There's a ticking time bomb. That's right. If the boss, yeah, it makes the boss want you to go home early, like, you know, or at least on time. Yeah, out the door. You know? Because if the whole office is drinking a big old case,

of that each. You know, he probably at least or she wants to get home earlier. Yes. You don't want to be in traffic and you don't want to be in traffic when that perfect turd lands.

No, sir. Alistair, how many sketch ideas have we come up with? Strange episode, strange episode. Eight. or so. So I should take you to three words from a listener, Andy. Great.

Now, Andy, in person the other day when I was at the Montreal show in Montreal, the city of Montreal. You've been touring with Do Go On. With Do Go On. And I'm so jealous. And I got to do some side stand-up shows, but they asked me to do a little report on their Montreal show. And one of the listeners there was a. a person known as Fraser Green. And he gave me in person some money

because he doesn't support the Patreon, but to pay for three words from a listener. Hand delivered. And I didn't even know that this was possible, but we both understood that, of course, there's a clause that allows for this. Off the books, tax man's not going to see any of this. Taxman's not going to see.

If the tax man's not going to see, if the tax man, The taxman listens to the podcast and wants a cut of that. Yeah, he earned it by listening to the pod. Yeah. Because that listen is also probably a little bit of advertising money for us. And he can get a little bit of that too. He can have a little bit. The taxman would benefit from listening to our podcast.

But do they? No. No. But if the tax people are looking for people to do that, I wouldn't willing to be hired to listen to the podcast. to see if anybody's making any cash. And then Fraser, of course,

donated three of those words and was wondering if you might want to guess what the first word is. Firstly, thank you, Fraser. First word is Brown. Before you guess, I want to let you know Fraser had a beautiful mustache.

Oh, brown? Is it brown? It was. Okay, are you going to stay with your, with your guess? What was your guess again? Brown. Okay. Let me check.

No, first word is sexy, so close. Oh, okay, sexy. Oh, tornado. Close, close, Andy. Okay. So the last word, Matthews. The last word, Andy, is, Matthews.

Wow. Fraser did also ask me if you are as handsome in real life as you appear through photographs. Yeah. And I...

Thank Fraser. Absolutely. Oh my goodness. Well, this is... Tell you what, Fraser, this is money well spent. Yeah. Because

it's really it's heard. It's felt and it's appreciated. Now, I mean, the fact that this is supposed to be a ludicrous sketch idea, that's a little backhanded. No, no, no, no, no. It's just supposed to be the inspiration for a ludicrous sketch idea.

I mean, we have a lot of sentences that were given to us, three-word sentences that we wouldn't see any humor in, and then we try to make comedy from it. So, you know, this is one of the... But although I would love to see, like, a Calvin Klein at Black and White with you, Andy, maybe in some jeans, no shirt. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh, this is already diverging so far from the source material.

Yeah. Yeah, shirtless, maybe... Maybe holding on to... What's something that you, you know, would consider, like, an iconic thing that you would hold? Maybe a piece of rubbish that you picked up off the ground That you realise has dog shit in it Yeah or like a A

Exposed blade of a circular saw Yes Yes yes yes yes yes yes Like sexually bringing it close to my fingers Maybe the saw is spinning very quickly It's spitting yeah And your fingers are mindlessly heading towards it Yeah just temptingly

you know, teasing, quackettish. I mean, I would love that. Like, it's like a, it is a shot of like, somebody sort of holding their chin, maybe looking off into the distance while their finger is being sliced off on a circular saw. Wow.

You know? That's something they haven't done on Calvin Klein. I haven't done that. Workplace accident calendar. Sexy, industrial accident. Oh, the sexy workplace. accident calendar is a great idea. See how we found it? Yeah. I mean, but like what do you think about like just producing yourself, just a limited run of sexy calendars of yourself? And I guess either you

give them to, either you give them to people in your family. Or maybe you just sell them at a market, you know, like you're down there, you know, you've got a stall at the local Ballarat market and you're selling calendars and they're all just pictures of view it's you it's you and they're not the photos aren't that good no you're you're not really you're not really all that done of it but yeah it's definitely like someone was taking a photo in a photo shoot yeah and they're around you but it's just like around your house they're not necessarily nice locations you haven't really cleaned up yeah i mean you could be like outdoors maybe you know up against a fence But it's not like you're not dressed that well.

I think this is a really good idea. Because, I mean, they do the sexy photo. What about the regular looking calendar of just photos of you? Interesting. Yeah. Regular photos of view calendar. I mean, I think that they have to be a little bit sexy. Further to be a bit of edge.

But you know what? Maybe not. Maybe they're just regular. Just regular photos of yourself. It's like you in a t-shirt and your nipples are a bit visible. It's good. But it's not like not in a sexy way. It's a wet t-shirt, but it's wet with tomato sauce like the sardines in the earlier conversation.

Oh yeah, it's you holding a can of a few holding a can of. tuna and you're about to drink the oil. Or the brine. Oh, the brine is much worse. A glass of, it's you in a glass of brine. Oh, see that? I like the idea where it's like, the photos are a little bit more than nothing. Yes.

But they're less than something. Yeah, great. Well, that could be one, but you. you're farting into a cat of chickpeas. I forgot about that. That was our very first sketch idea. Fraser, thank you so much. Fraser, thank you.

And I want you to know Fraser was himself a joy to look at. Oh, I can only imagine. A Canadian mustache? He traveled, I believe, all the way from Nova Scotia with a child. I don't know where he's, but that's right. older child, but, um, and, um, you know, not that dissimilar from a young Willie Nelson. That's magnificent. Yeah. He really is a cowboy with a heart, a, with a voice of gold or whatever they say, voice of an angel, something like that. His voices, Willie Nelson and I issue in Fraser green,

really great. That's right. Yeah. Thank you so much, Fraser. Thank you. Now, Andy, is it okay if I take you through today's sketch ideas. Yes, please. Okay, well, we have everyone finds out that chickpeas all have a fart of a guy in every can. Perfect. Sketch idea. We got the end. We got counterfeit pig cheese.

That's our new business idea. Yeah. We get the two in the think tank R&D. We should start raising money for a full R&D two in the think tank institute. Yes. Even though there already is a two in the think tank institute. Imagine that. sued by the Two in the Think Tank Institute for taking the name.

You know, that's the part that does the, where all of our, a lot of ideas are collected. Yes, the scholars. Yeah, from the scholars. We've got the wild milked, wild milked moose yogurt. It's a second idea for us. Yeah, yeah. We got the milk yogurt.

which is due to the porn industry, the return on investment is going down, and so Mills are having to re-skill. Retrain. Up skill. Up skill. We got company that lets you borrow a million dollars so that you can look at it in your account. We've got the poet versus fitter and turner job battles modeling.

Yes. You know, and also what was a door-to-door salesman versus wet nurse? Yeah. We got Focus Pocus, the health beer or the work beer that makes you poop nine hours later. No pissing. Not a single piss to be had. I think you actually start to tick in a way that counts down to the delivery of the poop. That would be helpful.

Yeah. Maybe you have an app that is sort of like the flight path that shows you how far you are from the toilet. Great. Not the proximity to the actual toilet, but how soon you are from when the landing will occur. Yeah. We got the sexy workplace accident calendar. Mm-hmm. And we got the regular photos of you calendar.

Yes, regular photos of you. I almost don't have the guts to do that, but I think I could almost do that. I think a picture of you there holding that glass of, can of tuner in one hand, glass of bride in the other about to drink and I think your shirt should be off yeah I think that's

I mean if there was a bunch of cans of open tuna and I'm pouring the brine from one can into the glass yeah and I'm smiling to the camera and then you can see the other open cans you can almost smell that photo

oh yeah photos you can smell that's a great concept Calendar of photos you can smell Is a great Yeah Great And then they're not going to be

predictable smells And these are not predictable smells No I mean you'll be able to predict them Once you look at the photo But not before you buy the calendar Unless you heard You heard this one

you might be able to predict one. Calendar of unpredictable smells. Thank you so much for listening to in the think tank. you guys are great thank you so much for all of your listening help and because we can't listen to all the episodes ourselves so we appreciate you guys all chipping in lifting some of that burden

I'm sorry I hadn't had a coffee today I don't know if that I think I also had a was a bit more quiet of mind because I didn't want to have another coffee you know what I mean because I have to have a show tonight and I don't need to have a coffee before that to get to launch me and I got a one and a half hour drive just to get to the show.

Have a great show, Alistair. And have a great one and a half hour drive and have a great coffee. And thank you very much. And Andy, you have a great coffee. Thanks, man. And I mean, you do an hour, one and a half hour drive to work every day, don't you? No. All right.

But everywhere else you want to go is about an hour and a half, isn't it? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And we love you. You. Bye. Bye.