Two In The Think Tank - 545 - "A LONG LUNCH IN FRANCE IS A BAGUETTE"

Episode Date: September 29, 2026

The Most Conservative Sins, Newer Testament, Miracle Investigators, Guinness Record Convention Attack, Really Funny Principal Assassination Joke, Gambling Loophole, Altared Images, Past Tense Invention, France Having a Long Lunch, God Does Play Dice, Heaven Would Not Get Boring, Mom Talking Colonoscopy PhotosListen to Alasdair's Bobby Logs Stories for kidsYou can purchase A Listener hats by emailing [e-mail] out the sketch spreadsheet by Will Runt hereAnd visit the Think Tank Institute website:Check out our comics on instagram with Peader Thomas at Pants IllustratedOrder Gustav & Henri from Andy and Pete's very own online shopYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here(Oh, and we love you) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lala la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la jinn jim ja jia jim ja jas jang chung june tain the show where we come up with five sketch ideas and i am andy and i am alister george william trombly birchall thank you very much and even as we were doing it i had a strong feeling this may be our most unlistenable intro yet really oh and i don't think that's the case i think we've done much much worse I don't know This is just my subjective feeling And maybe it was

You know Compounded by my feelings About my own performance And I do consider it a performance Well if you're listening right now Why don't you send us in What you think Your top five most unlistenable intros

That we've done in this podcast are If you have any memorable Unlistenable ones Please let us know We would love to hear it And we can We can compile A little top 10 maybe

Or a top five for the social media. Yeah, great. Maybe we'll release a little playlist or something like that, uh, mixtape. Oh, that would be good of, of the most unlistenable stuff. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and so, but that means the mixtape, does that mean that we've like remixed some of them? Is that what it is on a mixtape? I actually don't know. Isn't a mixtape just like a bunch of stuff on a tape? Giving somebody a mixtape? Um, maybe. Maybe not.

But it could be a mixtape. Yeah, it could be, Andy. Because I've heard of, I've heard of, you know, rappers releasing a mixtape. And presumably a mixtape for them wouldn't just be. No, but it can also be a compilation of favorite songs recorded onto a physical medium like a cassette or CD. So you're okay. You're in the right, Andy. Andy, never doubt yourself.

Thank you. I've learned the right lessons from this situation. That's right. Always always enter every situation. too confident and don't worry it will never come around and bite you in the ass. Thank you. Thank you, Angie. Thank you.

Alastair, I was really proud and happy to see that you did the Instagram post of she said no with the empty ring finger. Thank you. I haven't done the but whole one. Well, then I was going to go on to say, and I was really disappointed. angry, that you didn't have the courage to do the one where her figure is. Covered in poop. Covered in brown shit. And then I say she said yes.

Whatever that shit may be. And she said yes. I think that's a real, I think, you know, I, look, it might be your beloved didn't want to be part of that. But I also think I blame you as the man of the household for not. showing leadership. Andy, look, there's still the possibility of convincing her. But also, maybe if I convince her, I could get her to wear the Harrison mask so that she doesn't feel implicated in it. Yeah, great.

It could be anybody. Yeah. It could be any of your, the wives in your life. Any one of my wives, yeah. Could have been anybody who is a wife or will be a wife. Anyone who's legally banned. Have we talked about Bigamy on this podcast? Let's see.

Now, which one is Bigamy? Is Biggamy just when you marry more than one woman? It's when you marry more than one woman. And when we were growing up in Tasmania, there was an ad on TV. I hope I haven't discussed this already. An ad where it was a Christian ad. television advertising in Tasmania was very cheap,

and we got lots and lots of ads for the Mormons and various other Christian groups. Okay. And was it pro-bigamy or anti-bigamy? It was an ad where there was a little kid just being asked about various different sins. Skins? Sins.

Oh, sins, okay. Yeah, and the kid basically saying, I don't know what they are. I don't know what that is. I don't think they got too explicit. They didn't ask the kid, what's fistic? The kid said, I don't know. Yeah.

But he basically... They went for the broad strokes. Yeah. Broadstrokes sins. What is bigamy? And the kid said, I don't know what bigamy is. And at the time... I think he may have been, I'm not sure.

But at the time, I didn't know what bigamy was. Yeah. And I honestly, I can't believe... that it made the list. Like, like as a sin. Yeah. To,

to take a stand against it. Our church is against the sin of Bingamy. Like, is it, firstly, is it that big an issue? Yeah. In that, is it happening that much?

It's actually such a conservative thing to do as well. Like, it's like, yes. It's like, it's like the, the conservative version of sort of like, you know, sleeping around a bit. It's like, oh, I'm going to have a loving, committed relationship with two people.

Yeah, I want to make this a sacred covenant with both of you. I don't want to just root around. Yeah, have exclusive rights of rooting with two broads. And they will also discuss things and then probably share duties. It just feels very, feels very, yeah, it feels very conservative as a thing to be a sin. It's probably the most conservative sin. Is it the most conservative sin? Yes, I would say it

probably is. Can you name a more conservative sin? Let's see. Killing? Killing is that? That does feel right wing because you don't care about the other person. Yeah, yeah. But does conservative, I mean does conservative necessarily mean right wing?

yeah yeah it does yeah it feels like okay cool great well glad we can move on yeah no but like like a lot of just so much the like the more right wing shit these days doesn't feel particularly conservative

it feels just deraged it seems like what they are trying to conserve is not like family values or historical or traditional this or that. It's a specific vibe of being able to do whatever the fuck you want.

Yeah, it's mostly like, I'll pick an issue that I know will upset you and keep you on my side. Yes. And then once you feel that brethrenship with me, then we can do whatever the fuck we want and call it Christianity. Yeah. So that's cool. Anyway, bigamy. I'm just going to write down the most conservative sins. Yeah, good.

He was a sinner, but he only did the most conservative sins. As a good conservative, I think that also like, really coming out there stridently as like an organization that is anti-bigamy. And going on about it and really making a big deal of it. Especially when you're, I guess, you're an organization that's really well known for bigamy. Well, yeah, and that's, on reflection, that must not have been one of the Mormon church ones. That must have been a different sort of borderline Christian cult. Yeah.

Who advertised in Tasmania. Yeah, but I do feel like that Latter-day Saints thing, that's one of the ones I've seen the most. They were the ones who used the medium of television. most, I feel, to get their met. I had no idea what was the Church of Latter-day Saints meant back in those days. No, of course, it seems absurd. It's just a bunch of words. Latter-day. Latter-day. Was that like the afternoon?

Yeah. I mean, the Latter-day Saints and all of it, it's just, it needed a good edit, the Church of Latter-day Saints. Yeah, I mean, it's sort of, that's. already had an edit, isn't it? Because the full name is like Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-day Saints. Oh, yeah. And I think they were saying it all, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, guys. Was Jesus a Latter-day Saint? Because he kind of only shows up in the second book.

I think the Latter-day Saints are like, you know, Joseph Smith or whatever. Like, I think that's the, I could be wrong. Okay, yeah, just the Mormon ones. Absolutely no idea. But yeah, I think so. That, like, Jesus is sort of part three, the threequel. You know what? Whenever people talk about the best sequels, people don't talk about the New Testament.

You know, people are always like Godfather, too. Yeah. Toy Story 2. Is the John Smith book? The Bible. Yeah, but is the Mormon Bible? Is that the third one? Is that the John Smith one?

Has he got his own Bible in there? Yeah, I think he's got his own Bible. Yeah. Yeah. Is that the third one? The third. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

The treacle. That's the Godfather three. Yeah. And it's, and it does jump the shark a little bit, right? Because he's got like magic glasses in it? Yeah. I mean.

I mean, that would be fun. That really is. That would be fun to write a new one. Still based in, you know? Like. to maybe even as a sequel to the to the Mormon one. Well, I mean, you know, sometimes they will tap an author to do like a new Agatha Christie book or a new James Bond. Yeah.

You know, a new Sherlock Holmes long after the original creator is dead. Imagine that. Imagine getting the tap to write, to Holy Ghost write a new Bible. Oh, yeah. for oh and huge yeah i mean what kind of stuff would you because you know modern day you'd have to it would have to maybe be the first one with computers in it yeah they'd be in it from the start you know and maybe i think maybe the metaverse yeah i would add a new guy to the trinity who's like a tech guy yeah sort of you know like getting your gang together oceans 11 style I think if you were to do a new Bible, you need someone who's really good.

Maybe a hacker. You know, maybe a hacker Jesus. Yeah, hacker God. I think perfect. And you might, you know, they might even integrate a little bit of a higher intelligence. Like, because how do we know that God's not coming back as, you know, like an AI superintelligence? Yeah. You know, like, you want to get ahead of that for sure.

They want to just get ahead so that way they can call it God and then they can be like, see, he existed and we were predicted it. Yeah. What would you call the new version of Bible? The Bible. I like how the new Godzilla's I like called like shit like Godzilla minus zero and stuff. Yeah, that's really cool, isn't it? that's a real twist on the and the number on the numbering convention. Yes.

And it and it keeps me giddy with excitement about what they could go to next. You know, if they went like minus plus, you know, divided by slash, you know. Yeah, divided by minus. Yeah, how about that? Oh, then. Minus infinity plus infinity? Plus infinity plus. Would you call it the Bible infinity?

Yeah. Or the Bible 2000? Yeah, Bible 2000. Bible 3000. You know, to get in on that kind of Andre. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's good.

And a lot of his music, you could almost say now is kind of gone religious. So you could even say that maybe it came from a vision that you heard in an Andre 3000, a clarinet solo. He can be one of our One of our sort of Lest day saints Yeah, great You know, not just ladder These are the

These are cutting edge Hot off the press Still warm saints By the way, I did send this only as a Anyway, I won't explain what I did with it But I thought

You know like a TV show Where it's like a buddy cop movie But you know Like a buddy cop kind of thing like kind of style show, but they are, they're going, it's an episodic thing, but they go and they investigate like candidates for sainthood. You know, it's for the Catholic Church or whatever. Yeah.

I had suggested this, you know, I mean, via social media to James McCann, because I feel like he's got a religious backing to himself. But I just thought. you know, it's a, it's a fun thing where you have to go investigate these people who have been nominated for sainthood. And you have to look at what they did and you have to sort of, you have to judge whether or not the two or three of those things that they did count as miracles. Yeah, I think that's fucking sick. Like, especially if you could set it maybe in a bit more of a historical era where like, I mean, you could set it today. You could set it in the modern day, the latter day.

Yeah. Is now, are we still in latter day? It's getting latter by the minute. Yeah, you're right. It's latterer. But I reckon, like, you know, if you're back in a bit more of, like, a superstitious kind of time where it's harder to prove this stuff and there'd be some people who are just sort of faking it, you know, like, you know, pretending to have visions or whatever and maybe some shit that's genuinely unexplainable.

I think that's really fun. Would you call it like, because they get canonized, which is the coolest thing. Yeah. And it doesn't involve them getting shot out of a canon, does it? Well, it should if they don't, if they don't make it. When you do it, right. Yeah, if they're fake. Yeah, if you're doing it right.

Yeah, I wonder, is there any punishment or a negative thing that happens to somebody who gets, you know, put forward as a saint? Especially, I don't know if you can nominate yourself. but to do that and then not pass, there must be some punishment in the Catholic Church to be like, especially to have wanted it. I imagine it's like the current process for the Guinness World Records. You know, like you're going to have to contact them,

you've got to pay, they'll send out an adjudicator. It's mostly done for profit now rigged by companies trying to get clout. Yeah, and, you know, the little guy comes out with a clipboard to watch you do your miracle. Oh, yeah, so you can do it. I could do one live. I could do it again.

Yeah, and your miracle is like catching 50 grapes in your mouth in 10 seconds. I mean, if you were a guy who did have to investigate these kind of things, and you didn't know where to start. Yeah. Looking for somebody who, you know, who has created miracles. The Guinness Booker Records, you know, filtered by locations, just find somebody close to you. And you see, like, you know, you see that guy who, you know, can chop the most, you know, been able to crack open the most coconuts with his bare hand or whatever. You know, and you go, oh, this, I'm just going to.

to go straight there and you try to see if he's had a, you know, you try to get him to say things to you that like, you know, maybe explain the positive impact his skill has had on the community. Yeah, you just love his work and you really want to give him the nod. And also you want to get a rung on the board with the church, you know. I mean, if you were, say, putting together a team for the government, a secret squad of people with special powers, Guinness Book of World Records, also a great place to start, you know?

Like, imagine assembling a super squad of, like, the guy with the world's longest figure nails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the woman with the biggest bite, like, she can open her mouth. The widest jaw. The widest jaw. A person who put the most clothes pegs in their beard in 30 seconds.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like the underwater electric motorcyclist record, long distance electric motorcyclist. If the Guinness Book of World Records hasn't already sold their extended universe kind of IP to the Disney, they really should. For film rights. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Imagine. You could get a lot out of that. I mean, you could imagine how at a convention, maybe some kind of records can. convention where do they do these? Do they have a record? They must. They must. Like a Guinness World Record Convention.

If you find hot spots where there's a lot of Guinness World Record holders, you go there, and then people can see the people and get them to sign things and get them to hold their mouth open next to a big burger. You know, or like, or you get to see the nails up close, that kind of stuff. You know, like a Comic Con, but a Record Con. They must. They must. They got to do that. If they're not, they're crazy.

They're not monetizing this thing to its full potential. World record for biggest missed opportunity. Come on, fellas. They've got to sell this to, like, private equity. They've got to sell, you know, the Guinness Book of World Records to private equity, and they will extract every little bit of profit that you can get from it. And then probably start selling off record holders to... Of course.

You know, be like, All right, tallest guy. Yeah, you're going to, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to go be, you know, we're selling you to this casino. You're going to be welcoming people as they come in. And, yeah, big burger lady. I mean, it is really, a lot of it is kind of almost like, that is our version of a freak show these days.

Yeah. It's a book. But, like, so were you going, Alistair, that, like, there's a good movie concept in, say, there's a terrorist attack or aliens attack the Guinness World. record convention. Well, yeah, they attack nearby during a World War convention. Yes.

And they team up. You know, this rag tag band has to, it's such a good idea. I mean, you know, it's crazy. A little six-year-old girl who could do a Rubik's Cube in five seconds, she's on the team. That's right, yeah. She gets, she gets mowed down first by the enemy machine guns. that was not a useful skill. That's right.

But as she falls to the ground, her cube lands on that little metal platform and it comes up with a new record. That's nice. It's what she would have wanted. It's what she would have wanted. It's better than living. I agree.

Yeah, I actually am gobsmacked that hasn't been made as a movie. and we're going to make it happen. Yeah, this will be the next sort of Barbie movie, you know, where somebody takes an old IP that people thought, well, this has already had every drop of possibility extracted from it. And then, you know, we'll have, you know, we'll have like somebody cool, like Liam Neeson play,

like the underwater motorcyclist or whatever. And, you know, and Timitay, Chalame will be, you know, the guy who can wear the largest number of sunglasses on his face at one time. Yeah. You know. And. You did. Yeah.

Yeah. I was going to say something. And fuck did it leave my head completely. But it was a really good one. One of those guys who can throw, I mean, you know, obviously a guy who can throw playing cards, you know, the fastest or whatever, you know, get the record at the longest distance and fast. That's a really good weapon. Well, I think he would have, you know, like if the enemy was certainly like a candle wick

or something like that, a giant candle wick. I don't know if you've ever seen those things go into a watermelon. Is that true? Is that real? Is that just like a regular playing card? Just going into a watermelon? I'm pretty sure. Crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. Let me just double check. Has a guy thrown a playing card into a watermelon? I mean, this movie writes itself.

Has a guy ever done that? It's thinking, yes, multiple professional card throwers and magicians have famously thrown playing cards with enough speed and precision to pierce or stick into watermelons. Great. I've remembered the thing I was going to say before, which is that a studio or network should definitely, if they haven't already, buy the rights to the Encyclopedia Britannica

and thereby get the copyright over all world events. Oh, yeah. All facts and history. Yeah. That'll be really good. That would be a great little hack. I mean, it would be good to do a movie that does cover. the whole history of the world, part one and two.

But I mean, like... I reckon we could probably get the Enkata, the Encareder Encyclopedia. Yeah. I mean, to have a, you know, a movie that gets busted for plagiarism in the way that my report from year 8 high school did. When I just copied and pasted something from Encarta, and then I handed it in, and my teacher looked at it and he goes, oh, another Encarus special. Brutal. Yeah.

You must have thought that was such a great, you'd cracked it then. You must have thought, at the time, you were like, I can't believe, I'm going to, this is such a good idea. I'm going to get away with this. It was my first attempt, yeah. And it was just to be seen through so quickly. Yeah. But at that same time, we were doing, did I tell you this? We were doing physics, some physics thing where he brought in like an air rifle and where we would shoot the gun into a tube of plasticine that was like on a pendulum kind of thing.

and so that we could look at the deflection that the bullet caused the tube, whatever, so that we could see how to calculate how fast it was moving based on some photos with a strobe light, I think. Fuck, that's cool, man. Yeah, and while he was, while he went to the bathroom or something like that,

two of the guys in my class grabbed the air rifle and we're like, let's got to pretend to shoot the deputy principal in the head and they went down there and they went down there with the thing and then they and then he came back and he was like what? Where'd they go?

And then they came back and he's like oh he wasn't there and he's like you idiots you could have got me to lose my job he was surprisingly or unsurprisingly upset Yeah. I mean, bringing the gun into the classroom and then leaving the room. Super smart. But also, it's one of those situations where you're like, no kid is that stupid to then pick up a gun. But no, they absolutely are.

Yeah. That's a physical law as well-defined as well-defined as. the conservation of momentum. If you shoot a bullet into a ball of plasticine, yes, it will deflect. If you leave a gun in a room of pre-teens, yes, they will stage assassination. There is nothing so stupid that a people will not do

if they think of it. You know, I think if you picture those like, have you ever seen that cool image of like, I can't remember what it's called. But it's the image where it's been made from like throwing, like rolling like a thousand bikes along, you know, like a bike with no person and just rolling it. Yes. Yes. And it kind of creates these like, you know, most of the bikes kind of.

Spirling patterns. Yeah, ghost kind of through the middle and then kind of fall. But then there's all these ones that kind of curl along the sides and curl, you know, like that. And it's a beautiful. That's the pattern of, you know, the possibility of anything that you could do. there's a lot of things that most people won't do it involves curling back on yourself and whatever like that

but if it's possible it will eventually be done it would be good if we found that law that like there is that if there were some higher level laws built into the universe mathematically along with gravity and that sort of thing and if they found the physical law that means that teenage boys will take an unattended air rifle

and pretend to shoot the deputy principal. Like, there should be some surprising ones in there. Like, not everything should just be like, oh, that's an emergent phenomena that comes from all, you know, the cumulative effect of all the other laws. I wish there were just a few more, like, fundamental laws that were a bit more fun and mental. you know, not just

fundamental. Like I think yeah, I think that one where it's like if you were to make a movie where some people discover a fundamental law of, you know,

like, of like, you know, like the average of things. Like, like, for example, like, in gambling, let's say there is a certain number of, you know, like dice will fall a certain number of ways over time, and the pattern kind of is pretty consistent or whatever. But the idea that the law is so secure that if you just keep track of what has already fallen,

if you can see what hasn't fallen, then you could just bet that in gambling and then win, right? Like if, let's say, if you built a movie around some people who discovered that that was the case, it would 1,000% convince people in real life. Like you could almost get funded by casinos to make this movie just because it will send so many people to casinos to lose so much money because it's just logical enough. That like all the outcomes of rolling a dice are completely random. but we have discovered that the 4,738th roll of any dice is always a four.

Every other outcome is random, but that one is locked in. There are no exceptions to that rule. And all you've got to do is just follow a dice from the moment it's built. Yes, yes. the thing, but the thing is that you don't know how many times that dice was rolled in the factory, though. Well, I guess what you have to do is you have to get them as soon as they come out of the machine, catch them, right? Like, don't let them roll or bounce or anything. Yeah. And then take them to a secure location where you have a bunch of people rolling dice

over and over again, little captive orphans in cages. Yep. Right, and counting them. And then you take them, you carry the dice, you know, again, like maybe held perfectly stationary in an electromagnetic field. Yeah. In a secure thing. And then you have to somehow work out how to slip it in there into the ones on the table, the craps table. And yeah, easy.

But you somehow have to smuggle, get the guy who's doing, running the table to use your dye. Yeah, I think so, slip them into his hand. But also, like, if you throw the dice at the table there, presumably you could just, like, pick up whatever dice they've got there. Yeah. And then swap them and throw yours. That's true. I mean, that's true. You could do a little bit of sleight of hand, but you've got to remember that that crap's table deal.

has handled those dice so much that they will feel the difference in dice if there's any difference in how it is, you know, immediately. That's true. You know, like, apparently, somebody told me when they were working, they went working on, they were like tagging fish out in the ocean. And you could tell immediately, like, the difference between, you know, if you're catching.

These graffiti artists are getting really, confident and obnoxious. Wait, what is that about? Tagging fish. Oh, out there. I'm so sorry. Graffitiing fish, I guess. Yeah, they had a job, graffitiing fish.

It wasn't worth it. No, no, no, it was good. I apologize. I just, I was so far away from understanding that. Yeah, yeah, of course. I was like, Andy started a new thing. I was like, it should be connected, but I just can't see how. Sorry, but you

Anyway, he could just tell straight away The difference when you saw a wild Salmon and like one that had escaped from a salmon farm in the ocean or whatever like that And Well, the ones that escape from the farm They often still have the saddle still That's right

They're still, they're usually, sometimes they even have like remnants of the The rowdy are clowns, Feist Micah on the their skin from when they collided with them and sent him flying up at the air and they yes yes i thought it was going to be like the radio clown's face makeup still smeared around their lips from when they were furiously making out behind one of the caravans in between sessions i mean what would be the most scandalous relationship that you could think of rodeo clown and fish do you think that's what it would be i mean it's it's hard not to go to like

rodeo clown and pope you know yeah or something like that yeah but then what about pope and dead pope pope pope pope pope yeah yeah i mean necropoopsie um no that sounds like you're poping after dead. Necropopsy. Yeah. Now, I actually, I actually don't know what you're doing there. That was a, that's on necromancy. Right.

Oh, but how about this necromancy? Well, that's why, they're not necromancers. They are necrophiliacs. Necrophiles, yeah. And, I mean, but necromancy already has Roman, in it. Holy neck it already has Roman in it

which you know the Pope is the holy Is he still a holy Roman emperor? Maybe not. I don't think he is anymore. He's not an emperor anymore Was the Pope ever the emperor? Maybe not. Maybe not. I'm not sure. The Holy Roman Empire.

Yeah. I think I've conflated. I've gone conflating. I'm not sure. Was a Wait. I have to look it up. Was? Yeah. Was a pope? He might have been.

a separate political and religious. A Roman Emperor. No individual ever held both the office of the Pope, Bishop of Rome, and the title of Roman Emperor. Who got closest? Nah, but if he was, who would he have been? No Pope was, yes, simultaneously, but Pope's wielded supreme impede.

No, who got closest? Innocent the Third? Pope Innocent, the third, came closest to uniting supreme temporal and spiritual dominance. He asserted the doctrine of plenitudo potestatus, fullness of power, arguing the Pope was God's supreme vicar on earth, with authority over all secular kings and emperors. So then he deposed monarchs, intervened an imperial succession of the Holy Roman Empire, and launched the Crusades. He famously compared the papacy to the sun. and the monarchy to the moon. And then, yeah, anyway, that was Innocent, the Third.

Pope Innocent, eh? Gosh. Sounds like that name was ironic. Well, it's a good, it's a good, it's a good, it's a good bit of branding. That's like us, me, in fact, I'm pretty sure I did try, yeah, pitch the sketch of like calling your child application approved or something like that, Calling your Pope innocent, you know, if there was a computer system in charge of legal affairs back then, having the name innocent could have allowed you to sort of be the gods hacker. Yeah, I mean, you didn't even need a computer back in those days. I think so many people were illiterate that maybe there was enough people that only knew a few words.

Like guilty and innocent. Yeah. And so they saw innocent. They went, all right, just let him out. Let him set him free. Yeah. If you saw a big headline that said Pope, innocent, you'd be like, oh, good on him. Even if the third word in that sentence was guilty, you'd still, you probably wouldn't

keep reading. Yeah. You'd probably be tired from having read those two words. Yeah. And you probably don't even know what Pope means. Yeah. You'd just say, innocent, guilty. And then the very nature of that dichotomy would probably cause you kill you.

It'd probably kill you. Well, back in those days, absolutely. Because they didn't have sort of antibiotics the way that we do now. Yeah, a lot of stuff could kill you. Something came up. Wait, firstly, do you think there's any sketch idea within that, the Pope? Pope Romancey? Or in the

I mean with the Pope trying to be Emperor or in the idea of the most scandalous relationships I think most scandalous relationships I think a book I think you could

It feels almost like you could release a kids book It would be an adult kids book But it would be like So the book would be an adult Or the kids would be adults The kids would have to be adults To read this book

But you know those ones where it's like a flip-flap thing And you can make strange beasts While combining different bits of different beasts Well if it was that But like the beast with two backs And you could flip-flap different pages To create sexual scenes Involving different creatures

And public figures Yeah, that's good And then maybe a little writing poems that go along with each of them. Maybe it's set at an altar. It's set at an altar, and so you can, you know, interchange different public figures and different creatures and stuff like that. And then, you know, have these really embarrassing photos, you know, create really embarrassing

photos for them to have to explain. Yeah, and you could call it altered images. And, yeah, they're just all bumming on the altar, I imagine. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Film flipbook, sorry. Yeah, you weren't listening to my pun. So, because you were too easy writing. Bumbing on the altar.

No, no, altered images, Alistair. Yeah. Altered images. Oh, altered as in like at the altar. Oh, sorry. I just thought they were, they were, because I was picturing making these images that were altered, you know? So that's why I didn't even look for a pun. You know that?

Mm-hmm. Did you know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I felt it. I felt it. I wanted to say this sentence. I did want to say something.

I can't remember, though. Relevant to the historical period we were talking about, just the phrase, read any good words recently. Mm-hmm. Felt like, you know, when in the early days of literacy. Yeah. Awesome. Imagine that. Being able to learn new.

words as an adult. Imagine like getting introduced to were or something like that as a like a 40 year old. You're like, oh, I heard were recently. You go, well, yeah, what does that mean? He goes, like used to be. You go, oh, that's useful. That could be really useful.

I'm going to use that. Yeah. And you can also use it as the sound of a helicopter blade. Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where, where, where, where, where, where, that does sound good. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Then you've brought out, and then you see the person in conversation at work using the word were just way too much. They're just dropping it into. I were talking to that guy earlier. And he were telling me. He were telling me. That he were... I think this guy's just learned the word, were...

Do you think when they first invented the past tense, do you think people were like, oh, you're all spending your time stuck in the past? You're like, you're no longer in the present. You're all focused on the past. Or were people worried about, you know... I mean, maybe this is what you're saying.

But like, I'm imagining it like a new piece of technology. where everyone's staring at their phones or something like that. Is that sort of what you're doing? Yeah. Like there would have been a point where we didn't consciously think about the past that much maybe. And then somebody created kind of language for it and you were like, oh yeah, the past. Like I just was angry at you and I can't, I couldn't really express why, but it's because you were a cunt to me. but I think

yeah I think that's a very interesting idea that like yes that the past tense is a way in which we connect emotions with actions or we build a I guess it's how we build a story of where we how we got there to now

and the past tense would almost have been like a form of accountability. You know, there would have been, you know, powerful people who were really against the idea of the past tense. Yeah. Because it could be used to almost like an ICAC. That's right. Look backwards at all the things that you've done.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, I think we should. should like there could be a political thing to like get rid of the past tense to avoid accountability. Yeah. There was a lot of that kind of stuff, wasn't it? People just being like, yeah, we're not going to be using writing anymore.

We're not going to be using this anymore. Because they could just kind of control. I mean, like France still has that freaking institute that decides what words come in. That'd be fun to work there. I mean, of course. That would be so much fun. Yeah. Imagine how easy it would be.

How many words could you possibly be letting in every year? Yeah. You know? I mean, I bet you they're taking long lunches. Yeah, and this is France. So those lunches are going to be really long. And these are long even on France standards. I mean, and they're eating long, like in France, a long lunch is just like a sandwich that's like fucking long.

It's just a regular baguette. It's just a baguette. We had a long lunch. It was a sandwich on a baguette. Subway should do something with long lunch. Oh, yeah. Long lunch? It could just be that, question mark.

And a picture of a baguette. How about 12 of inches? 12 inches. Yeah. I think when we started measuring penises, in inches. It kind of ruined... The imperial system. That was probably when we had to leave the...

Move on from the imperial system. Because everything just got too saucy. Yeah. It was just too sexual. Andy, do you think that I should go to three words from a listener? Yeah, all right. Go on, treat yourself. All right. Well, Andy, today's three words from a listener. As I travel back in time, I continue...

is from March 25, 2022, from Dr. Jimbury. Dr. Jimbury. Doctor. Has Dr. Jimbury always been a doctor? I'm not sure. I feel like I've met Jimbury recently, maybe. He's been doctored. Yeah.

Congratulations, Dr. Jimbury. Yeah, I think, yeah, I did meet somebody recently who was like, they changed their name because they were like on the Patreon because they found it really weird hearing their full name on the podcast. of being like, I don't think I should be doing this. I think it was Smellosaurus. Oh, sorry. Sorry, Smellosaurus. Maybe that is the full name.

I don't know what you've changed it to now. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, that was his real name. I'm sorry. And anyway, so then Dr. Jimberry is sent in three words, not that recently, but there are three of them, and each one is a word, and they're there for you to guess, Andy.

I have so, well, what do I know? I know that they're from 2025. No, 2022. So, from March 22. Oh, my goodness. 2020. Oh, so what kind of words were doctors using in 2022? That's right.

Think about that. Well, this is sort of like late stage, pandemic kind of thing. So I guess I'll go, first word, maybe dissocial, social, social. Dissocial? No, just social. Oh, just social. Okay. Godly is the first word. Oh, godly. Second word, cleanliness.

Oh, Andy, so far away. So far away. I mean, I almost want to give you another guess, but I guess that doesn't feel like it's in the spirit of this whole thing. The second word is punt. Godly punt. Punt is a great word. Um, godly punt. There's no pattern here. Godly punt.

Pocket. Pocket. Godly punt pocket. Oh, okay. Well, I feel like at least you were in the right realm in that it, there was no, you know, there was no pattern to it. The second word, a third word is explosion. Godly punt explosion. You know, so that's good.

Yeah. Yeah. A terrorist. It makes me think of a terrorist attack on heaven. I mean, it makes me think of God starting to place a very suspicious number of bets. Oh, yes. I mean, yeah, you're absolutely right. That they look at the, a lot of bets have been placed on something like an asteroid hitting Earth,

and they look at where they're all coming from, and they're all coming from an IP address in heaven. or... Yeah. In the cloud. Or like the email address associated... In the cloud is good, Alastair. Nah, that's all right.

That's all right. Email address associated with it is like at heaven or something like that. Yeah, I mean, I almost... You know, I could almost picture one way for it to happen is that the owner of the gambling company is praying. And he's having a full... on discussion with God and then God was like, you know what, out of all the things on earth, gambling does

seem like the most fun thing. I should get some money and place a bet. And the owner's like, hey, you don't need to, you don't, your money's no good here. You can place a bet for free. You can place bets for free on my platform like that. So he kind of makes an account for God and I guess

he just doesn't, he assumed that God wouldn't really use it, but then God starts placing a lot of bets. I mean, and he would, he would he would ruin them. Oh, absolutely. It is insider trading or it is like, what do you call it for insider trading for gambling? Is that just like gambling fraud?

Yeah, I think so. Rigged, rigging. Yeah, rigging. I mean, it doesn't seem to be illegal in the States with this ones that are existing, these prediction markets. Yeah, you really can just do whatever you want. I don't understand how those predictions. fucking markets work,

how do they know what the odds are of something of all this shit before they let you bet on it? Where do they get their numbers from? Yeah. I mean, is it just somebody somebody sort of setting it themselves? Yeah, I don't know.

Or is it just based... Is it relying on the wisdom of the crowd? But then you'd need heaps of bets before you could decide what they were anyway. Or would you start at 50-50? You can't start everything at 50-50, because then you'd get people coming in, making the first bet on something that's not a 50-50. But maybe you're not getting paid out what the original odds are. You get paid out of the final odds, maybe?

Maybe. Yeah, I don't know. But no, I think you buy, you say, I'll take those odds. You go in at the, you get paid for the odds that you bet it at. I think and then they change over time and people coming on later I think I don't know yeah I don't have a clue it's it's obviously very complicated whatever it is there's some sort of mathematical thing there's a thing called a totalizator yeah you heard about that no I don't it's a cool name I don't know what it does but it somehow like makes all the odds add up to

like a hundred percent or something you know it does all the calculation calculations It calculizes everything. Payouts are calculated by multiplying your stake by the odds format provided by the format. No, no. That's not what we want. Have we talked about how everyone's like, oh, you would get bored of heaven? You'd get bored of all the bliss. And I think that's fucking bullshit.

Yeah. Like, why? It's like being bored is like, is not that bad of a thing. It's also not that bad, but like even then, you don't think God would have thought of that? He's like, oh, everybody... Turned out I made the happiest place on earth with infinite bliss, but everybody got sick of it, and then there was nothing I could do. So that's why hell, I guess, is better.

No, of course God would mix it up. He'd be coming up with new exciting ideas for you to do. He'd come up with fun new rides and holidays. a day's. And if there's lots of stuff that you've already seen, he'll just invent new stuff. Yeah, exactly. Stuff that you couldn't possibly predict or imagine. You're sick of him tickling you on your tummy? He'll invent a new tummy. He'll give you a new tummy on your back that you've never been tickled on before. He's gone. He'll give you a tummy that feels like an ear. Yes. Yes, and he'll give himself a new kind of finger to tickle you with. Yeah.

Okay. So. And he'll give you a tickling system that there's a million different tickling sensations. And it rotates through all of them. Yes. And you never know which one it's going to be. Yeah. He's God.

He's going to keep it. He's going to keep it. He's going to keep it. Yeah. Yeah. Or like a maybe one of. God's representatives pitching it to people.

Or, you know, coming down just to clear this up because, like, God hasn't interviewed, hasn't said anything, but he reappears on earth just to, like,

just to answer that specific thing that's been really niggling him. Like, I don't mind what you do down here, okay? But I overheard you guys saying that people would get bored of heaven.

Yeah. And I just want to be like, what the fuck do you think I'm doing up here? What do you, Who do you think I am? What do you think this is? Yeah.

Amateur hour? You know it would be really great is that if his face, if he could get his face real close to Earth, but like still be like the size, like his head is like the size of Earth. So he's like floating next to Earth and his head kind of is like there's maybe people. Like he could almost get his face to kind of curl around the Earth a bit like one of those curved screens. All right. So that everybody around the world can see him. Yeah.

Right. And then just so he can have a good talk with everybody, his voice booms out over the everything. It's the loudest thing ever. Right? I think, you know, because how else does God come and talk to everybody? I don't think you can just trust the voice in your head that it's not just you talking to yourself. Mm. You know, that's the big one.

I think that's the big one for me. the big one is what is what you can't trust that the voice in your head if you're praying that the voice in your head talking back to you isn't just you saying it to yourself pretending to be gone right and that's why he's he's gone um emergency measures which is to appear as a giant face in the sky yeah i think he's got a body you can't see it and i think he's had to make himself weightless so that he's not like creating a whole bunch of gravity that's like fucking up the oceans and the orbit of the earth in those moments that he's here giving us a talking to

about why people aren't going to get bored. I think, yeah, maybe he'd just be a hologram. So then he's got to create like some kind of machine that creates a hologram as well and make that appear. He could also appear as like, you know, seven billion gods. just standing in front of each individual person in the world and talking to them simultaneously. Because I can just imagine some distortion issues with him being like a big face in the sky.

And there'd be people on one side of the world who can only sort of see the top of his head or something, but can't see his mouth. Yeah. I mean, if you found out that God can control your mind and he can just make you appear in front of you, like in your vision and that you can look to the side and you can see that he's kind of appeared in somebody else's vision

even though he's not there you can see that the other person's also listening to him that would be crazy to find out all our brains are right that'd be sort of like a hologram or something they like a hologram yeah yeah hologram whatever

whatever our consciousness senses that are you know shown to us by our body whatever that's made out of he could be that he could be that yeah he's pure pure sensation yeah yeah yeah i mean he could come into your body and he could make you say it to yourself out loud so everybody's talking at the same time although that's a bit pluralist maybe it might be hard to also see but to hear you know

think it'd be weird audio effects i think i mean i'm less worried about that because i think people speaking voice is not that high. It might be weird in a big room, like a cafeteria or something like that. Yeah, that's what I'm concerned about. Yeah. You know, but I think also having, getting to have a big group experience like that and then be able to talk about it later, you probably would clarify some of the stuff that some people didn't remember because of the weirdness of the sound. Sure. And also, and also because everybody's saying it at the same time, I think it'd be fine. Yeah, you know. Yeah, it'd be fine. You're right. You're right. Sorry, Al. No. I'm over thinking. thinking it. Sometimes, yeah, I mean, sometimes maybe you shouldn't be so confident in saying something.

Once again, it's like, what, you think God wouldn't have thought of this? Exactly. Exactly. Like, let's really think about this, guy. All right, Andy, should I take us through the sketch ideas for today? Okay. We got the most conservative sins. We've got the newer testament, the first computer one. this is getting the option to write it and then there's a lot more hackers

and there's video game players and there's people who stream in it there's miracle investigators that possible show we've got the movie where there's a Guinness

World Records Convention but there's an attack at one of those and a bunch of the record holders have to come together to create a tag team of sort of superheroes. You know that guy with the biggest fists? Oh, he'd be so good at this. Oh, I love that guy.

I love to think about that guy. Yeah. You see him bend that metal? Imagine him doing that to like bad guy's legs. And he's just got like normal. The rest of his body's pretty normal. And he's just got like massive forearms. Yeah.

He looks like fucking Popeye. It's incredible. Yeah, exactly. then we got I sorry I wrote down and I never got to bring it up but I think a sketch

where some guys some guys in high school think it would be really funny to go into like a principal's office and pretend to shoot the principal with a fake gun and but

and that they do it and then the principal finds it really funny and then other people walk in and get shocked by the gun and then they go no it's fake

and they all laugh and it's a really fun it's a really fun idea you thought it would be funny and then it was it was and then oh my God

can I frame that gun and put it here as a reminder a whole lot of police show up you know training their guns on these kids ready to take them out It's fake. It's fake. Oh, well, then keep holding on to it because that's hilarious. That's so funny. I want to get a photo.

I wish this gun was fake too. But look. Then we've got the sort of, look, I don't know exactly what this idea, but it's the gambling law of averages movie that causes a lot of people to go into casinos. and start gambling because they believe that that thing is true. Yeah. There's something there. We got the most scandalous relationships flip book called Altered Images. I mean, the title wasn't as good as I wanted it to be.

No, no, don't you dare. Don't you dare now? I've been sold, Andy. Now you make me feel like an idiot. Well, that's good, obviously. Well, I guess there's a bonus to it. Also, actually, yesterday. We were talking with my parents, because I was at my brother's place.

My parents are about to move back to Australia tomorrow. Oh. And we were talking about, I think, you know, because my brother's almost in his 40s, we probably got to get one of those colonoscopies or whatever, you know, to get your prostate checked or whatever the stuff they got to check. Have you? Have you done one of the? No, I haven't. Have you?

No. Am I supposed to do that now? I think after 40, you're supposed to get this stuff done. right and anyway and we were talking about my mom getting her own

I think maybe she has a camera that can do something like that and we were I don't know what exactly but anyway she was like I'll do it for you guys and then

then the idea that we get all the all the colonoscopy images back but they've got like my mom's finger in front of the camera that's great but like but also

if it was my mom there would be a such a long period of like posing and getting everything. Yeah. Just right before she took it and like wanting everyone to smile. And to be taking the photos from sort of like five meters too far away. Yeah. And then she wants to get other people into the picture too.

Like let's get your cousin in there. So he has to climb into my butthole. Yeah. Get his face. Get his butt hole in there? Maybe, yeah. No, I think they all have to be. I think it's just like a whole lot of people.

in the photo. They've all climbed in. They're all in there in my colon, I think. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it could be his butthole as well. I'm sorry.

I just can't get my head around how that would work. You're right. You're right. It's okay. That's okay. Then we've got the guy who invented past, the guys who invented past tense and people getting worried about,

you know, you know, from the present and it's like treated like a new technology kind of thing. We got France having a long lunch. It's a sandwich on a baguette. And God makes too many bets on this thing. He's now allowed to make bets for some reason on this thing. And he's now gambling on all these things on stuff that obviously he knows the future of,

including creating new events that may destroy the world. And they've got to stop him. It's like how Einstein said God does not play. does. No, that's right. What if he did? Yeah. But what if he did? And we got...

He'd be really good at it. And then there's also, of course, God getting exasperated with people who think that they will get bored in heaven and him coming down to Earth to have a little talk with us. There we go. And so thank you very much, Dr. Jimbury. And thank you very much, Dr. the rest of the listeners. Dr. listeners. Dr. listeners. Dr. Audience.

Dr. Audience. Dr. Dr. A listeners. That's a great new second hat. Dr. A listener. E. E.

E. E. E. E. E. E. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Thank you so much for listening to two in the thing.

There were some parts of that one where I thought that might have been our most unlistenable outro. I actually felt really good about it No, no, I think there was a bit where we finally got into a flow Yeah, but there were some parts there early on where we were not in a flow No, you're right So don't forget to send us our most unlistenable outroes And I'll clip them up

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