Simple Swedish Podcast - 58 - "SOUP BOWL PARADOX"

Episode Date: December 20, 2016

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I pick a bow to pick a pink bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a bow to pick a the think tank to show where we try and come up with fun. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. My name is Alistair George William, chocolate virtual, and I am here. And my name is Andy. Present. I am very much the present day, Andy. Yeah, and I thought I was also say present in, uh, because Christmas is coming out.

Oh! But isn't it always coming up? Yeah. Here was the thing I thought of the other day. You know, you've heard me before my disdain for the centuries method of talking about the past. I believe we've talked about it on the podcast. That's right.

Well, I was thinking recently. Now, just can we just summarize the centuries method for talking about the past? That's where you go, you say, oh, that happened in the 19th century. And then you go 19th century. That means that it's minus one. Why? We want to take away one.

It means nothing to the 1800s. 1800s. Okay. Oh, great. Well, let's continue with this conversation. Great. So I was thinking that instead of feeling anger towards a thing, and just the century method.

Not like the century method, and just carrying around this hate like that. Why? Which blights you every day. Yeah, why fight it? And I thought I would make something even worse, which is what I've created, what I've called the decades form of talking about history. Oh, I believe that happened in the 210th decade. And then you go, I just got to get to the decade minus one.

1990s? Oh, that That's really good Well then you can keep going, can't you to the to the days and the I mean the days is infinitely worse. Yeah, that Oh, then is so much internal mathematics calculations you need to get out of I mean even, even his years, years is two, oh, it would be other 2000, 2001. Yeah. Yeah. Which to a certain extent, people already do. My grandfather was one of those people who insisted that the millennium hadn't started until 2001. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was a real, those people were a real bummer on January, 1999,

31st, yeah, I didn't say that day in the right order. But yeah, wow, they are. So that's kind of a fun idea, but I don't know how you make it a sketch where you're putting more internal mathematics into your method of saying things. But do you think it's possible that those people who referred to the millennium starting in 2001 that, you know, I think like 1999, the New Year's Eve parties, if you care enough about decades to correct people on that, you're probably still having a fantastic time at that New Year's Eve party, right? Because like that's, you're never going to

get a better time in your life. Whenever you, whenever you, whenever you're going to, like, if you're the kind of person who likes to correct people and when the Millennium starts, there was only really one day where that was exciting. And that was December 31st to that at 1990. It's hard to say dates, isn't it? I just said we're 20 first. Yeah, I was like January 31 through 12 and 99. Yeah, dates are hard. So, especially when, yeah.

Yeah, I think that that's really fun idea as a sketch about how it was, like that that was a great time to be a pedantic. Yeah, yeah. It was a goal-nade for pedants. And maybe even, I think it would be nice to interview people and like almost do like a, where are they now? Okay, so where are they now segment? Right, but it's about sort of generic types, okay? So instead of like where are they now, segment? But it's about generic types.

So instead of where are they now? Eddie Slaven, former footballer, it's like, where are they now? The people who used to tell you that the millennium didn't really start until 2001. Then we just make a generic person and we go and we follow them and like so what's what are they up to now? Probably little pedantry type things Technically there's 365.2 days in a year and then and but then for them It's not nearly as much fun, right? We can see that their life has clearly gone downhill since this point Yeah, and they're just trying to get back a little bit of that thrill. Yeah. Technically, yeah.

Yeah, no, actually, actually, the sad thing is that millennia changes in millennia they really only come around you know every what is it? No, 500. 1000 years. They only come around every thousand years so I mean it's going to I'm going to have to wait a while if I before it gets that good again. Yeah. Is it every one thousand or two thousand nine hundred ninety nine Ninety point two six Anyway, that's a matter. Yeah, well technically every year A year gets shorter by a few milliseconds, so

What about what what what then we could also in this where are they now include a little bit of footage of their like Millennium Party in 2000, you know. Well, that's I think seeing them walking around on the New Year's party. Like just having the best time. Oh, woo! Millennium bus stop, don't ask too much! You're all uninformed!

But then they also then held themselves a new Millennium Party on December 31st, 2000. And that was very sparsely attended. Yeah, but they were having a really good time. They still enjoy themselves. You know, actually, and then they mentioned having a really good time. I still enjoy them. You know that actually and then they mentioned But there was no one to correct Because nobody can nobody. Yeah, that's right. They already had their Millennium party Um, and then he he mentions that Prince actually was a peasant

And it was just that we're gonna party like that's why he was having such a good time. Yeah, yeah Because you know, that's what, because he wrote that song. He's like, people, you're celebrating for the wrong reason when you're singing that song. That was written for us. I mean, the Jehovah's Witness, he would know the details of the fact that the Lord was actually born in the year 0. It was very important to him one. Is that right?

Oh, I can't remember all the year one not the years. Oh, fucking hell. I hate this. It was born in the year zero, I believe. I think that's what we're all born in. No, but I think it was the year one. Isn't that why 2001? Is the is the new is the star of the new millennium? I think that's why. He was born at zero, but in the year one. Oh, so, but so he wasn't born at one year's old on the year zero. Like there's some people like as I had a girlfriend at one point,

there's some people that that you had a go free. Some people who think odd. There's some people that, you know, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, this girlfriend and she goes, I just spoke to my mom, it was her birthday. And she just told me, like, rather than, I'm 29, she just told me, I'm 30 and I went, what? What? Because her mom had been counting wrong. Or had just started counting it white. Well, that she had been counting like everybody else

for most of her life. Yeah. But she had realized that, oh else for most of her life. Yep. But she had realized that, oh no, you're one when you're born. And so then added another year to her life when she was 29. And so she went, you're 30. Yeah. What? Because that would, you know, especially in those years.

That's a very, it's very crucial to be making the most of every one of those years. Because you're turning 30, at least feels momentous in terms of the passage of time and how that's the point when I kind of went, all right, well, it looks like these years are not going to stop rolling in, I guess, just accept that death is hurtling towards me and I'll just make my peace with it. Real crosses for you, real turning point. Well, it was a moment of acceptance, really. I think this segment, where are they now, sort of generic character type, where are they now,

would be fun to follow with other different types of people. You know? Other kinds, also not just pedants. Not just pedants, but like, you know, other people from throughout your life, you know, be they like them. But it needs to be a specific type of person. The patent is a really great example

because they're quite specific type of people, almost by definition. But I think, you know, we did a sketch for Australia get it up here with the schoolies guy. Yeah. Who was still living on the Gold Coast, trying to live out schoolies even though was still living on the Gold Coast trying to live out schoolies even though he had you know, kids, like in a way that is that same kind of

thing of like where are they now? Guy who loved schoolies. Yeah yeah yeah. What about like when you were in high school was there ever a girl in your year when you were like 16 who you may have liked but she was dating a guy who was 32. Not that I know of but yes. But yeah. Go on. And so for someone, that's weird for me now being like I want to just left 32 but like

going to go and wow this is how old that guy was. I'm old enough to date the girl I was into, and I was 16. And so, but what about, what happens to those guys? Do they just keep dating? Yeah, great. Okay, so, where are they now? Guy who was dating a much younger, like, do you want to do where are they now? Guy who was dating a much younger, like do you wanna do where are they now? The guy, do you wanna do a where are they now? The couple? Yeah, either the couple or it ends up being

where are they now, the girl. And then she for some reason keeps shifting dating people who were twice her age. And so now she's 33 and she's dating a guy called, you know, who's like 66 years old. Lionel. Yeah, and so she just, she's just got a weird mathematical quirk in her brain. Quirk about her. Quirk about her. Um, it's like dating two, 33 year old men. But she's just not into polyamory. He's got all the wisdom of two men half he's aged. This men don't mature as fast as women, you see?

And that's why she's got to do this. Because every time she's maturing twice the rate. If she was maturing twice the right, presumably she would grow out of this fad of hers a lot quicker. It's a fad. No, well Andy that's really a mature thing to say. And then she would tell you that. And she just, maybe once you're 66, you'll understand that. Anyway, is that a type of person?

Or do you think that that's too dumb? Do you think that a hundred-year-old woman then is as mature as a 200-year-old man? I would say so. Wow. Yeah. That's fantastic. Yeah, but do you ever notice that once you get roughly at 95? Right. 94 and 96, you know, I've been spending that area. The mid 90s. Yeah, I've been looking at a lot of these kind of like centenarians kind of people. Centenarians? Yeah, centenarians. There are these people who are over 100.

And you know, like the super centenarians. You know that 95 isn't over 100. No, no, I know. But I reckon it's once you hit about 95. The facial feature that starts changing the most is that your eyes start getting smaller. Really? Yeah, especially like about 115, right?

You are looking through people's. like, you know, really, and then your voice starts going really like, Oh, don't know anything. And you start talking a lot about your diet. People become very interested in what you've been eating all your life. I find it so, like I know that this is basically the whole point of living to 115, 116.

So that people want to know what you are going to be doing. You get on the news, right? This is your moment, right? You lived all this time. You've outlived your family. Everybody you love is dead, right? But this is what it was all about, right? You get there and somebody goes

what's your secret? And then you get to say whatever you want. Yeah that is your one time to like... that's great. So like do you reckon it would be worth living to... this is gonna be gross. You're gonna regret saying this. This is gonna go on Andy's list of regrets. Live to like 120. But interviewer comes along. What is your seek? What did you hate? I hate your mum's pussy Andy Andy I think I think it's worse while living to For that joke

Like you see he doesn't actually want to live to 120. It's just for a joke. Hold it guys. He's been holding on. It's hard. We don't know what gives him this inner streak. No one else in our family has lived this long. But every day he I ask in the morning he says, I'm not ready. Holding on. And he just has this fire in his eyes and his tiny shrunken eyes. I wish I knew what it was that made him want to just keep living. Mr. Johnson, the reporters from the news are here. Apparently the previous oldest person alive just died. They want to know your secret.

Oh, the camera's running. Okay, ask me the question. And then they yell, and you know, they always yell in there. Mr. Jargit. What's your secret? My secret. There was yellin' there's Mr. Jobson! What's your secret? My secret. I'm...

Oh God, the moment it's finally here. Oh, I mean, it's a pretty good prank, right? Yeah. Is it a prank, would you call living to 120 a prank? Yeah, I would say so. I recently thought it would be funny as a joke to just take 20 years off drinking alcohol as a joke.

Yeah, I get it. I think, I get it. I think, I mean, you've, you've, you've successfully given up alcohol for shorter periods of time. And I, you know, I didn't, I didn't find that funny, but I guess it's like anything, you know, it comes around. You just need a little bit more time for the, for the comedy to kick in. Absolutely. I was thinking about keeping on drinking for 20 years for a joke. We'll see who gets a bigger laugh in 20 years time. I don't know why I think it's a joke, but maybe I just thought because

I want to drink, and then I'm not doing it as a joke. Who's the joke on? You? Maybe alcohol. Alcohol? Yeah. I don't know. That's good. You know, sometimes it's just, you know, you don't have a specific target, you just have a, you just spray and umny directionally. I think I'm thinking of starting to quit alcohol. So from now on whenever you see me, I'm going to be quitting alcohol. Okay. So that'll mean that I talk about it a lot about how I'm quitting alcohol. Yeah. A lot of the time you'll see me having my last drink You know, which is an important part of quitting alcohol. Absolutely. This is the last one.

Yeah. And I will be quitting alcohol so much I'll probably have six or seven last drinks in a night. Sort of a bit like, you know, Farnsey doing his retirement tour once again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the last time. Yeah. Yeah.

I remember when that was like almost a tight, it was like a tired time. Yeah. Yep. Remember when that was like almost a, it was like a tired joke. Yeah. Yeah, that he's, oh, he's doing his retirement to her again, but now like he's kind of been away now for long enough. And now he's come back and he's looking proper old now. And now he's like, you know, he comes back and he's doing his show with like Olivia Newton John.

Yeah. Yeah. I might leave him alone. Please let this be the last time. Maybe he'll come back and he'll do a retirement show called, please let this be the last time. Please, to God, I don't want to have to do this again. I just, I hadn't put away aside enough superannuation. Yeah. And this time I'm

looking at this time I'm putting it all on that. Yeah. Trust me, I've changed my way as I've been being much more sensible with the income from this touring now. My overheads used to be really high. I'm doing my... Could you refresh your John Farnham, you know, constant retiring joke by saying, I promised I'd stop doing that joke. Sure. Yeah. But I keep bringing it back. Could you do your first tour multiple times as a performer?

You go, and I'm coming to America for the first time. Well, I want to be, I think a lot of people want to be able to get the best newcomer award at the comedy festival, and that's the thing that you only get that opportunity once. Oh, man. There should be awards for the most, like, sort of middle of the road. Like mid career high, kind of. You're definitely halfway through your career now. What about just like an award for somebody who's peaked?

Like it's not the best show, it's not the, you know, it's not the worst, but like everybody may be voted by the comedians or the audience or whoever Maybe just by me. Yeah, and I just give out an award to say It's not the best. It's not the worst, but this is probably as good as you are going to get. Yeah, the plateau award plateau And it's just a platter. Yeah, it's just a plate a plate on top like on top of you know It's like a trophy platform with just a flat plate on top of, you know, like a trophy platform with just a flat plate. A plate on a plinth.

Yeah, it's, for some reason I was picturing it mounted vertically but horizontal is much funny and obvious. Of course you would do that. Maybe too obvious. Maybe too good at my joke. Oh my God. Oh no. Real, this guy wouldn't have written it.

You wouldn't have come up with that. Not in your, not in your plateau. And that's the problem is that when the comedy festival itself is writing better jokes than you. Man, I can already think of the first winner of the plateau. Wow. Well, I'm glad that you probably don't want to say it on here. Is it me?

Because I definitely am the running at the moment. It's the new. This is the short list. Yeah. Here's the people that I think that haven't done any improving. If anything, they've slowly been degrading over time. Yeah, you're right. So not degrading over time necessarily. I think that disqualifies you from the plateau, you start to decline. Getting worse. Yeah. And also, if you're showing any signs of being interest, because this is, okay,

so this award is different to the peak award, right. The plateau is much funnier. Yeah, yeah, you've plateaued You've found your level congratulations Congratulations and to the next ten to another ten years of this Many happy returns Like as it was watching your audience die off. Yeah, dwindle and get bored and... Yeah. The edgeless award.

Is the plate... The effort at playing award. Maybe the plate is full of liquid, like it's full of water, just to the brim, right? To symbolize the fact that you can't disturb this delicate, equally brim, right? Because, you know, there's something comfortable in this plateau. You should be happy with being at the peak.

Don't try and like, lift it up because you'll spill, you know? Or, you just want to keep that nice. Look, sure, I mean, I'm sure in the world. Soup, maybe it's one of those shallow bowls full of soup. Well, I think in the world of trophy making, you would be a renegade. The idea of adding water to a trophy.

That cup is never full of anything, isn't it? No, they don't add any liquid. They barely add any actual gold. Yeah. And so, obviously, can just end. I said it, but I'm going to come back to it. What about for, you know, because I ignored it? Well, I talked over it. A little bit, but that's also it. To time, it wasn't a complete idea. I think now it's a complete idea. So, so this is

the award for somebody who has has no edge whatsoever. Yep, right? There, I guess you would say there are broad comic that is, whether it's the Infinite Plane Award. And it's again, it's like the plateau, but it's a plane that goes all the way to the edge of the universe. Yeah.

And it's got no edge. I mean, does this fear, could you say it just a ball or like a sort of a cloud of gas or something? I'm just trying to like something that's a little more practical. Yeah. Well, I guess that I guess you could do that. Thanks. Yeah, I guess you could do that too. I mean, I feel like it does have an edge because it's the edge of the circle. What about the gas? What about Mark? Oh, yeah, well, if it was a cloud of gas, yeah.

But again, I don't know. That's going to expand a fully available space and then we'll find a limit. It's on limit. I think most of the gases on Earth, even though there are no limits on Earth, they still kind of stay within earth's orbit. I do.

Yeah. Which is good at the... Although apparently helium? Yeah. Like it just ascends to the outer atmosphere and off into space. Oh Jesus. I think. Those earth getting lighter or would it be getting heavier?

Because it's losing all our helium. Do you think eventually earth, after all the helium is left, will sort of just sink down to the floor and just sort of roll around there a bit tragically? It would be great if you... I mean, that feels like something you could write for a kid's story that space has a floor or a bottom. Yeah, yeah. What's down at the bottom of space? I think you go down there dust and and I could like creepy crawlies would you say I

could be because I'm creepy crawlies maybe some maybe some coins oh what would space coins look like big I think the plateau award Award is a sketch. And maybe even, once again, we could find ways to flesh out this universe. You could have your Infinite Plane Award in there if you want. Although I feel like the Infinite Plane Award is from a really considerably more conceptual award ceremony. You're right.

But the the the the the plateau. I mean, you know, while we're there conceptual awards ceremony is a sure, you know, I guess you this is kind of separate idea, but you could you could picture like a I guess you either like a you know one of those school reunions where they give out a whole lot of awards for people... I've never been- Everyone gets something. Yeah, everyone gets an award, but where it gets quite weird like that. Uh-huh. You know, uh...

Most, uh, it's all you get, the award for, uh... Well, uh, eyelid... Blinking the fastest. Okay, look, I didn't really, you know, I was really grasping for any of that. That's right, and I didn't help you at all. You were probably thinking about something else. Yeah, I was actually. What were you thinking about?

Let's see, I was thinking about maybe when the universe ends. Yeah. If there was an award ceremony, I'd say that'd be good. You know, sort of, you know, afterwards, and how that would be the worst thing I could imagine, you know, because I feel like it would go on for a really, really long time.

Yeah. I remember my graduation ceremony from university was one of the worst times of my life. Really? Because it just never seemed to end. Yeah. And it was all so pointless. Are you still there now? In a way. Yeah. I'm trapped. Because it keeps coming back to me as well and tormenting me. And they played organ music in between each of the little segments. And that

seemed to also go on forever. Like organ music to me is sort of the musical equivalent of reading out graduation names. It's just meaningless garbage and seems repetitive and yet boring and well but also unfollowable, unenjoyable. Oh you're just describing the music of the doors right there. The doors. They have organs. Oh yeah. I thought you were saying the drones. Some reason I always went to drones. I have no idea who the drones are. They're cool. They're cool.

Great. So do you think that we should do an award ceremony at the end of the universe? Yeah. I think there's something in that. As a part of the same thing or as a different idea. I think it's a different idea because I certainly the plateau I don't think works in that context because I don't know if it's possible to plateau after the universe has ended. That would certainly be a spike in your career one direction or the other.

Yeah. I think what would be nice about the award ceremony is that you would meet up with all the civilizations that you didn't get to see during your time of life. Yeah, and that would be amazing. If like, you know, because there'd be people who on earth would think they were the best at something, right? And it's like when you're the best at your primary school,

right, and you're like, and then you go to the state finals and you're just blitzed because you went to a shit primary school and you were actually shit. You were right. It turns out that you're just blitzed because you went to a shit primary school and you are actually shit. You are right. It turns out that you're shit. You go from being the best to being a complete. What it would be like if we went to this this this universe or award ceremony. It's like a jamboree. All of earth sitting there at one big round table like we're all getting excited for each you know each award that comes up. Well like this will be us, so this will be us, and it'd be like best to bipedal

mammal with hair brown hair and blue eyes goes to called Winston Churchill, called Winston goes to Zion 364. Also known as Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill planet. I think I think the end of the universe award ceremony and all of earth sitting at the table and then realizing that we weren't even the best at being us. You know, the

things that we thought were how defining features. There were hundreds of civilizations who did that so much better. Yeah, it's like that idea where I always think that if it's lucky that there's nobody else that's me because I don't think I would be as good as me. Me, too. That's a really funny idea. Yeah. Be the best you, you can be. I don't know how to be like a lot of work. I'd be worried that I'd meet someone else who's big B and big better.

Yeah. I don't know if you're like, oh, I don't know what it takes. I just didn't want it enough. Yeah, look, I really like that idea. Oliver at one table. Yeah. Round table. It was a round table.

It was actually King Arthur's table. Really? Squished in. Oh, that'd be the worst. Come on, scooch. Scooch. Scooch. Everyone move out, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scooch, scoo Have you been to a Scout Jamboree? I went to one Scout Jamboree. Really? Yeah, and you go camping and then there's all the other Scout.

Where was your Jamboree? Canada. Oh, I went to one in Queensland. Really? Yeah, in Springfield, Queensland. Really? Oh, just know when they released the Simpsons movie, every place called Springfield got a big pink donut. To put on display.

Wow. Yeah. Because I went I went to a very very small town like they had like under a hundred people in New Zealand. Had a big pink donut. Big pink donut. It was a big day. It was a big day for Springfield. South Island New Zealand. How big are we talking? Uh, maybe man size. Wow. And I don't mean like the way that a regular donut is man size. I mean, it was a size of maybe two men rolling down a hill and, you know, holding each other's arms and feet. It's good. Yeah, thank you.

That's, yeah, good or pleasingly infinite quality. Oh no. Don't say that. Is that a reference to David Quirks? David Quirks bit, but I wasn't talking about the 69 in each other. Yeah. No, of course you weren't. No.

No, why would you? Hey, I think there's something that I'm sorry to bring this back. Please do. Please, please, please. We're good, you're Tated, but I think there's something in a really full bowl of soup. Like one of those low bowls, right? Where it doesn't have much of a height to it. The curvature isn't, you know?

Yeah. And it's just that low sort of parabola. And then, you know, it's just, you've got too much soup in there. And it goes all the way up to the broom. Okay, make a sketch out of that Elastair. Well, okay. Well, what is it? Are they are they trying to develop a bolt like a bowl that's more shallow? For a purpose is it to anger people to make people feel and emotion? Well, I mean, this sounds like a sad labs

We've like invented the worst design for a fall. It's really shallow. We want to see a plate. The saddest. Yeah. Well, it could also be like a chef, like a, you know, what's his name there? Like, you know, Heston Blumenthal. Like a Heston, but one of these ilk one, like one of that ilk where they want to make some people feel a certain emotion and things like that. So they get a bowl of soup that the bowl is so close to a plate that it infuriates. I think that's my...

Maybe it's like, because scientifically speaking, there's this philosophical conundrum of like, what is a heap? Language is ambiguous in that, like what is a heap? You could have two grains of rice, three grains of rice, four grains of rice, 16 grains of rice. And what point does that become a heap of rice?

Okay, and what point does a plate become a bowl? And if we could invent a bowl that it sits exactly on that boundary between a plate and a bowl, it would be like a physical paradox, which would like possibly, what would that do to the human brain? If you were presented with soup in a paradoxical bowl. You're smashing categories together. Well, I believe that that's what you'd want to witness. You'd want to witness.

I think you know where it all have to be. It would all have to be in that ridge. You know, it's all in the ridge because in order for it to remain a plate, it would have to stay flat pretty much. But in that ridge where it goes from bottom of the plate to the edge to the lathe, it's just that tiny bit bigger than your average plate. And it's enough to hold

what you would consider an acceptable amount of soup. So I mean you still have to be serving. But what if it's so low that you can't even get the spoon in, to get the spoon in, if you sit the spoon down, the soup doesn't even cover the spoon, right? Do you think that is sort of maybe the defining level, but then that brings into the question, what is a spoon? What is a spoon, yeah. And could the spoon somehow be somewhere

between a spoon and a knife? Or you know spoon and just like a cake lifter just like that flat In many ways. Yeah, in many ways that's already what a cake lifter is is somewhere between a spoon and a knife. Yeah It's a serving spoon knife Well serving spoon knife. Serving spoon knife. So am I writing this down? This is like a, yeah, well, yeah, it's, but, but, but, but could we, it'll be within like, like a, like a conceptual, yeah, well, I mean, kind of, from the point of view of it, a,

a chef, you know, they, they, they, they must take, I imagine, at this point, a perverse pleasure in finding new ways to serve people's small amounts of food, right? Because you go to a fancy restaurant and it's such a cliché to complain about the portion size or to be like, it was delicious but the portions are so small. And to have that visual thing of like, this plate seems enormous, the tiny little pyramid of asparagus, froth, and meat cubes is so tiny on this plate. There'd be a, you know, they'd be looking for new ways in which they can irritate people

with the way in which they present these tiny portions. I think a bowl that had like a really wide sort of top lip, because you know how sometimes you get those two radiation bowls, right, that would have go in a bit sort of diagonally and then the bowl. You know, if you could have one that goes in diagonally and then has a tiny little dimple at the bottom and that's where the soup is. And maybe even it's impossible to get your spoon into that dimple. Oh that's good. You'd have to just stick your tongue in.

You can dip the base into the spoon in and like lick it off. Yeah and but I think also it would be it would be fun to hear just the the chef talking about the theories behind them. And then cutting to the shots of just people reacting. Let's say, we know his idea was to make a bowl that is so plate like, or a plate that is so or like that it blows people's mind and then it just goes to be like, it just, the shot of...

They're just like frozen in. Yeah, but people just going, ooh, ooh, like, ooh, ooh, Yeah, but people just go. Maybe, maybe people actually having like aneurysms. I think that's great. Like if it's such a paradoxical item or, you know, people who are like, don't know whether to go for the spoon or for the knife or, you know, like the fork. don't know whether to go for the spoon or for the knife or the fork.

Yeah, something that's, that's like the food is soup like enough that you should need. Yeah, you should need a spoon. Right. And the ball, there's no. Yeah, but it's, but it's also granular. Yeah. And so you should probably go for a fork. Yeah, I love that. Finding that exact thing, the combination of both the bowl gives you no hints.

Also, the contents of the bowl doesn't tell you what you should be reaching for sufficiently. If anything, just having to pick what you tensile is... That's the experience. That's the is. That's the experience. Right, that's the meal. It's the choice. Yeah. It's a delicious meal of choices. We all must make a choice in life every day to keep living and in this way, you know, tea.

That's a genuinely quite good burner. There's a second. Yeah, I think so. For a second, there might have been like, you could pick out in the middle of one of those syllables. It's my, I find it disgusting, but I love it. Maybe he's a chef who dresses all in black and has a black chef's hat.

And his skin is black. Oh, wow, imagine. Yeah. I think we've solved the casting. We're at the end there. Have we come up with five sketch ideas? We come up with five sketch ideas. We've got a series of where are they now?

Which is looking back at the people in your life, and where are they up to? For example, this patent, who loved on December 31st, 1999, to tell people that it wasn't the millennium. It wasn't going to be the millennium. But where is he now? Now that his life is peaked. Maybe he's caught a thing that like only so and so many more years until the next

millennium. Well, I mean, yeah. Yeah. And I want you to pay pay for. Pay particular attention that this goes all the way to 3,000 and what? And not 3,000. I'm sorry, I just don't get the opportunity to tell anybody about that very often. So thank you for coming over to my house. And then, you know, please start life. Possibly, you know, where are they now, the people who, you know, for

example, like the girl in your year when you were 16, who dated a guy who was 32, either where is the 32 year old now, where is the 16 year old? And she... Where are you? Where are you? Very good question. I'd just like to point out that I just, in my little attempt at mathematics, mistook the millennium for being 100 years long.

So if anyone was listening closely enough, they will have heard me being a fool. Oh, I see. I wasn't listening closely enough. Good. Living to 120 so that you can tell the news that your secret to long life was eating their mom's pussy. Oh, I'm sorry about that, everyone. No, I think that's genuinely the most in-depth sketch-like one we have today. And I like that a lot, Andy, thank you. I mean, it was amazing how naughty you felt. So, I felt so naughty.

I felt the naughty boy. The laughter was in many ways, just a guilty, you know. Yeah, great. Then we've got the Plateau Award where it is a sort of a could be a Could be a comedy festival could be a could be a festival for excellence in architecture. Yeah, I don't know It's a festival, but I mean the award ceremony for excellence in architecture and then one guy gets the Plateau Award for having peaked and then remained exactly the same for years and years and haven't hasn't got any better.

It's interesting that for awards for trophies we give out cups and we give out plates, but there's no knives and forks, there's no other utensils. There's no bowls, there's no... There's no chance. Yeah, there might be some bowls, I think I've seen some. Oh yeah, there's oh there might be some bowls. I think I've seen some Oh, yeah, but there's no chance of getting a whole like set Dining set out of this no matter how good you are in any field and that keeps us human in a way it reminds you that You know there's always

You're never gonna be perfect. There's always something to keep striving for Okay, well I'm putting that down as a possible sketch idea. Where are the awards ceremonies given out these calories? Yeah, you got to get into, maybe it's actually a new pencil making. Wow. So if you want to get the whole set, you got to keep diversifying what you do.

Yep. And then suddenly you're like, all right, now I've got to start making god damn cheese graters. No, you know, whatever it is. Like nobody, I'm thinking those cheese slices, you know, some of them are between it. It's kind of somewhere between like a cake lifter and a knife. I used to love the cheese slice. Yeah. Well, my dad bought us one and we, you know, I use it very occasionally, but it's not the right size for a kilo block of cheese. I think they are and not one enough houses and

Alice dear. Why can't you just let me have this one thing? You can have it you can have it Awards ceremony at the end of the universe and all you know all the births at one table and these all the other universe Creatures around and they're all waiting for their awards. I guess they're sitting planted by planet. Maybe there might be a part of the universe where planets are particularly empty and it's just like one person. Oh, do they still get the same size table? Or maybe they put all of those people together

on one table, you know? They don't really know anyone. Yeah, but maybe those are for, you know, what about like, you know, sons and things like that that have become conscious That maybe like the plasma within within a sun could be could could work like a neural network I think I've heard that in like science fiction. Yeah, there you go So maybe there's a couple of suns there, you know, because they're just giant consciousnesses.

I think I really, I get annoyed a lot by science fiction that is just fantasy. You're like, no, no, this isn't, there's no science in this. Oh, wait. So the sun is a, is a notch of the Templar. Oh, yeah. And the moon is a wizard a dragon rider. Oh, and they're folding up against the This isn't science fiction. You're just saying planets and stuff. All right. Yes, those are in science But you're using them for fantasy so you're not not allowed It's not allowed. I'm Andy Matthews. I don't like fun. Don't like it. You can't have a fun. No, crossing of category. Your genres, keep your genres.

You gotta keep them separated. No, you're seen, now that's a film noir. You can't say that the sun is a detective and he's just sitting there and waiting and then a bloody Jupiter in a nice red Drex walks in. And she's got a problem. With a red beauty spot just above her lip. Oh, very good.

Then we got bowl that is almost a plate, so this is a chef's blowing mine. It's a chef that blows minds by category smashing meals by making meals that smash categories and then we have you know this person who wants to win the whole dining set of awards and so he has to keep diversifying the things that he... Yeah. I... I don't know. Yeah, great. That... Look, it's not quite there.

Yeah, that might not be a whole sketch just yet. Alright. But, you know, sometimes that's what... When we write down stuff, I don't know if they are a ton of sketch... I think maybe from... We should start going in a little bit deeper sometimes in the sketches. I think sometimes we just scratch the surface. Yeah, really? Look at that sketch. That's an idea. Let's give them.

Yeah. Yeah. Because like, we're just so happy when we find something. When we find something. But we want to leave it as quickly as possible. Yeah, that we don't want to ruin it by finding a detail. Yeah, look into it too closely. There might be nothing there. Oh, I know, but you can always just have some. We leave it ambiguous.

You can always just add kind of lingus and it'll become funny. Oh. Oh. I'm gonna bear. Thanks for listening to Two and the Thing Tank. If you liked this program, why not? Go into iTunes and review it and give it a rating. Hi writing. Maybe, you know, share it on some forum that you attend. Do people still go on forums? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are always on forums. You know, go on to people's phones, download it on their phone, force people.

Maybe go to family meetings, play it to all your family, and then maybe create malware that spreads it onto other people's computers around the world. Russia, if you would like to hack into Hillary Clinton's email server, and I don't know, put it on there. We are not above being the mouthpiece for a nation state. We will do it if it helps. We'll take it. And if you want to follow us on Twitter at to in tank at I'm at stupid old Andy and I'm at Alistair TB ALAS D A I R TB. That is correct. And stupid old Andy you can spell that yourself. Yeah, be like that. And yeah, thank you so much for listening to us.

Thank you very much. And we love you. You.