Simple Swedish Podcast - 59 - "THE FIFTEEN COMMANDMENTS"

Episode Date: December 27, 2016

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Veal, veal, killing veal. Killing veal is killing veal. Slice up all the veal. Chop it up and cook the veal. It's veal. So revealing. Veal is the deal that I am vealing. If you feel my deal, that's vealing veal. Veal. Break it down now. Veal. This is Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with Five sketch ideas I'm Andy

And I am Alistair George William Trombley-Virtual Present I feel like if this podcast was a boat And if names were what gave things weight Instead of the Higgs boson giving things weight, I feel like you would be solely responsible for this boat tipping over. Wait, wait, wait.

But if I was giving things weight, then it would mean that I'm distributing weight evenly around the boat. It's not that your name is on one side and my name is on the other. No, that's exactly what it is. It's your name that has given you weight. Your name is the

weight-giving particle. You did not put enough details in this for that analogy. That was just an abstract. You've got to read the full paper before you go and criticize my theory. I saw exactly what you meant in my brain,

but that is not due to you. That is due to the error-correct you meant in my brain, but that is not due to you. That is due to the error correcting facilities in my brain and knowing you for years. I mean, then again, people who are listening may have known what you're trying to say. Right. So you error corrected. You corrected it to the correct picture of what I was trying to say in your brain. And then you error corrected your correction to go back to misunderstanding me when

you spoke. No, no, but I just had to I was not correcting my correction, but I was correcting your explanation. Well, I would like to be the first to apologise for... And I would like to be the second to apologise for Andy and i would like to be the second to apologize for

andy anyway that was a joke in uh in a thing we did one time was it yeah i think we did a uh sketch one of our first like two in the think tank we did a sketch thing yeah we got up on stage we did a little bit of what was supposed to be improv and then i said something about wearing a collared shirt that i thought was funny and And then I said, look, I would just like to apologize. And then you said, I would also like to apologize for Andy. Yeah. Well, that's good. And yeah, and here we are.

We've come full. Full. Well, if anything, we've come. Straight line. We've come straight line because we're, or we've, or we're somehow before there because we, then we had the sketches and now we're back in a position where we're without sketches. We are without sketches. And we've got to come up with sketches.

You know, people say you come full circle, but let's be honest, a triangle would probably have got you back to the same starting point. You could have even just gone in one straight line and then back, retraced your steps. You could have gone full oval. Yeah. Oh, full oval, mate. To be honest, you could go a full irregular polygon. Yes. As long as it's full.

Yeah, as long as it's full. Full fractal. It takes me a while, but I get there. You know, I think that there's been a lot of, like, the circle marketing people have really pushed at how good it is at starting at one point and getting back to that same point. But pretty much every, like, I mean, geometry is full of examples of things that do that. Yet somehow the circle, possibly because of its lack of jagged edges, it just seems more acceptable to the mind, edges, it just seems more acceptable to the mind, has really been accepted

as the number one choice for things that start at one point and end back at that same point. I mean, there's the egg marketing board, and they've done a good job for the egg. Completely. But I think the circle marketing board... What about the two-dimensional

egg shape marketing board? Because they could compete with the egg people. With the oval people? Oh, with the egg people. I mean, with the circle people. With the circle people. They don't want to compete with the egg people. Now you're getting into 3D prisms.

I mean, what comes first? The 3D prism or the 2D shape of an egg? Shape of an egg. I'm pretty sure we've done a marketing board thing before, haven't we? I think possibly screams. I think we might have done one with screams. Scream Australia. People are trying to come up with new...

Scream Australia. That was it. Yes. Trying to come up with new ways to promote the scream. Yeah. Was that a thing we did? Scream of indifference? Like, you know, scream of... Was this the thing? was this the thing definitely fear is a little limited yeah yeah we're trying to

broaden the scream out to be something that you can do at any what about screaming when you get in your haircut yeah we're working on a scream that you could use that is so versatile you could use while you're getting your haircut because a lot of people think that the silence between when a person is getting their hair cut, the silence is awkward. It's intimidating. I hate it. And they fill it with small talk. But you can fill that silence with anything.

With screaming. At the top of your lungs. And once you've filled it with screaming, let me tell you, the silence feels a lot less awkward. Yeah, absolutely. Look, I don't know. This is the problem.

It's now been so long since we came up with the original Scream Australia sketch. Yeah. I don't think we or the listeners know or care to know what that sketch was about. So you think we should just rewrite down... I think the podcast is now where we try and come up with, either through novel creation or just remembering five sketch ideas. I've got another one about a parrot. And he's dead. Let me tell you, he is not well.

Okay. Well, look, I'll write down Scream Australia. No, you can't. Because I know Scream Australia. I think, I think, I think. But look, I really enjoyed what we described. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, Scream, yeah.

But look, I really enjoyed what we described. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, scream, yeah. Like, I'll put in more details so that we've got the specific detail that we can add to the... Because I mean, that sketch hasn't been done yet. No, it hasn't. Fortunately, I mean,

the second prong of our two-pronged attack to sketches is one, coming up with the ideas, and two, not producing them. And that second prong is really helping us out. Trust me, we would produce them if there was an opportunity. That's right. And if you are listening to this podcast and you've got a big old bag of opportunity,

maybe you've got some excess opportunity that you want to get rid of and you've tried putting it up on Gumtree. We're in a situation where we can't spare any more time for things that don't have any opportunity in it. So if you've got that opportunity, and like Andy said, it's on Gumtree, don't just sell it to some random guy.

Yeah, with a ute. With a ute, yeah. He's just putting it out of his backyard. He's probably not even using it, and that's not what an opportunity is for. He might be using it for kindling or scrap metal or something like that, you know? Dear, oh dear.

Turning that into just pulling the copper wire out of your opportunity. Oh, that's heartbreaking. Yeah. He might be sending it on a boat to China where they're pulling out just the micro traces of gold in there because people get paid so little there that that can be worthwhile. That is suddenly a viable business option.

Yeah. Economy discount. Taking a cruise. Your old computer takes a cruise to China. China. And then there's still money in it. Still that cruise though. It's nice though.

You get to go on a cruise. Well, it's nice. They've worked hard i presume yeah um why does opportunity knock all right i'm i'm i very often don't hear the door i i want opportunity to either text me tell me it's coming over. Organise the time. Or just break in. Smash a window. Opportunity breaks and enters. That's my...

But it suggests that Opportunity has arms. Yeah. Opportunity has arms and feeble little legs, which is, you know, when it's near you, it can grab you. But if it's a long way away, it's going to struggle to cover the distance. If you're walking into your room late at night and there's opportunity under the bed,

it can reach out and grab your legs. Yeah. Like that. That's why so often you come up with great ideas when you're about to fall asleep. Or in the shower. Often, just think of that scene in Psycho. But instead of a person getting stabbed,

it's Opportunity grabbing hold of them by the shoulders and taking them for a ride. Assuming it's on something that you can operate using only arms. Unless they've got four arms and they can use the pedals with their other arms. I don't know how many arms Opportunity has. At that point, I'm going to start calling those second set of arms. Unless they've got four arms and they can use the pedals with their other arms. I don't know how many arms Opportunity has. At that point, I'm going to start calling

those second set of arms. I'm going to call them legs. If you use them to operate the pedals, Opportunity. I know, but what if they're hands? They're like human hands. They've got human hands on all four.

Opportunity, yeah. Well, I think it would certainly have prehensile toes like an orang, because it's good at grasping. It's all about seizing opportunity, I suppose, itself. It's seizing itself. Yeah. Or is it that it's seizing up? Like, is opportunity very dehydrated and its muscles start to cramp. So when people say

seize the day it could also be like just become completely overwhelmed in a mobile like a frozen gearbox. That could be what it does. Just stand still.

I mean that's what a Buddhist would ask you to do. Anyway. Is there a movie called Opportunity Knocks? No. The Postman only knocks twice. Always knocks twice.

That was it. Sorry. Close, though. Close, though. Opportunity only knocks... I mean, Opportunity could knock a number of times, but maybe not the same Opportunity. Maybe it's just other arms from other Opportunities.

What is this? We know that Opportunists have arms, so at least that helps our theory They sure do I suppose that you could be an opportunist without arms You could be really making Making the most of Really bleeding people dry From their pity

I think I saw some of them in India When you're in India You saw some people who had no arms They were real opportunists without arms. Yeah, right. Is this one of those moments that we should go, oh, everybody knows we're joking. All right. Yeah, it wasn't one of those moments, but hey.

But do you think we could look back maybe in three to five years and go... I regret that? I forget. I guess maybe the armless minority will have become maybe a bit more vocal and they'll explain the things that they're upset about. And one of the main things they're upset about is people pointing out that some of them are opportunists. And one of the things they're also going to be upset about

is the fact that I'm about to say that those people are up in arms. Wow, yeah. And the able-armed would say that. We would. Someone like you. And me. I'm just going to say it so that we've both said it. They're up in arms.

Thanks, Al. I'm really glad we're in this together. Because very often I say things that I regret on the podcast, and I feel like you just leave me there. I wouldn't abandon you. Like a tiger cub in a drought. Feels like we're way more aware now that people are listening. Which is ironic, because I think fewer people than ever are listening to the podcast.

More people have signed out now than ever before. Before we started the podcast, we were talking about how much you like to be thanked. I love to be thanked. Right. I love a good thanking. And I was thinking... It's probably my second favorite thing to be. What's the first thing to be?

Alive. Yes. Okay, great. Did you have another thing in mind? I had nothing. No? Okay. Be yourself?

Because, I mean, it's so rarely that you agree with me so quickly. So that's why I was like, oh, he must have really had nothing. And so, you know, he loves to get a thanking. And I guess I was picturing, you know, like a dominatrix kind of situation where you go somewhere to get a real means thanking like that, right? But not a dominatrix, obviously somebody who just treats you really nice. Yeah, I mean, I guess it could be a mean thanking maybe that you're after, but I think a gracious thanking.

Oh, no, I mean mean in the sense of like, oh, that was a really good thing. This was a mean burger. You cook a mean burger. Yeah, the burger didn't treat you badly at all. No, absolutely, yeah. Treated you really well. Now, do you think if you went to one of those people, we still haven't come up with a name for them yet,

but I have a feeling we can get your faculties working at it. Science, engineering, they're all in there. They're all in there. Do you think that you should still when you go and visit this person is it still like in a room and then you get on all fours and put on a dog collar and they walk you around the room i think they probably do restrain you in some way like possibly put the ball gag in so that you can't say oh it's nothing no honestly you're welcome you know that's good, yeah.

Because, I mean, that would be a pain in the ass. That would be one of the hazards of working in that kind of job. I guess we all struggle to take compliments, right? Absolutely. Much as we struggle to avoid screaming when someone hits us with a whip. Exactly, yeah. And the ball gag can overcome both screaming and self-deprecation. I like that idea that the person comes in

and they're like, thank you so much. And then because you got the ball gagging, you're going, Oh, it's nothing at all! Oh, it was an absolute pleasure! No, stop it! Thank you! No.

Thank you. I think that's great. Yeah? Take it. Take my thanks. Take it all. My gratitude. And then they...

What do they do? They get... They cover you with... No, wait. They give you a cake. And... A card. A card.

They go over to their rack of... They've got some big, terrifying-looking cupboard covered in spikes. they pull it open it's full of flowers and cards and like a few days later they send you another note just going we had a really good session I very much enjoyed that

and you're like and you're definitely one of the best customers that we have. Thank you. Like that, but you're with your wife at that point. She's like, what was that? You're like, nothing. Well, I mean, that's a sketch. Is it still something that you think you have to hide from your loved ones?

I think it's funnier if you do have to hide it from your loved ones. Yeah, I mean, in my mind, there's nothing sexual about this. I don't think it is sexual. It's a parody of a sexual act, but it's not. I think, man, parody sex acts. How can we somehow incorporate the concept of parody into sex? Because I don't think there's a lot of satirical sex acts. Like you're having sex with somebody ironically.

Yeah, or to make a statement about some political thing. Well, it's very difficult because your audience is so limited. I mean, I guess not in pornography. Not in pornography, that's true. And there's definitely been parody. Parody porn has been done. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think...

The Simpsons and nuns. In those things, they... The Simpsons? The Simpsons porn, yeah. People dress up. Yeah, it's The Simpsons. Like, covered in yellow. I think there might be one where they're covered in yellow.

I think I just saw, like, The Simpsons. Like covered in yellow. I think there might be one where they're covered in yellow. I think I just saw a preview or something. Somebody was telling me about it and I was like, what? And then they showed me a preview. Well, we've established that that could be a thing. But in that, the purpose of the parody is almost never satire no you know it's never to make a comment about the thing that you're parodying other than imagine if you could see their wieners yeah yeah it's it's just to piggyback on the success of a something else and and get your porno scene are there are there any people who do not parody porn,

but instead porn parody, in which they take a famous porn film and then present it not as pornography, but as a serious film. I do like the idea. It would be very difficult

to... Well, no, I think you could definitely do it. The references would be really... Well, it's hard to find a porn film that everybody knows. There's like... Right. You know, there's... Is Deep Throat a porn?

I think it is, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, and Debbie Does Dallas. I think they're both... But they've been turned into like... Probably the two iconic musicals, right? But they've been turned into musicals or something, yeah. Yeah.

But look, so, I mean, those are the ones. But, you know, there's a lot that kind of, you know, that I guess start in some kind of interview, you know, like casting couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Interview context. Yeah. kind of interview you know like casting couch yeah yeah yeah right interview context yeah and but how would you turn it into i guess you're parrying the parodying the casting couch yeah i mean i suppose in that sense you you could do a film in which it's the set of a porn film and yet somebody winds up getting a job as a legitimate actor. Well...

Right? They somehow trick them into doing a series of dramatic scenes. I'm very uncomfortable with this. No, no, but... Wait, the... Yeah, no. It's not that I'm uncomfortable, it's just that I don't see a place where it works right now.

I mean, you could have let's say it was a film about the Bang Brothers I don't know the Bang Brothers well I believe they might own a production company or something like that and from what I've gathered they travel around in a bus and then they pick up women

on the street and then they bang them I don't think they own a production company I think they own a bus and a video camera yeah that's true and they got a graphic designer to make up a little logo right but what I mean I don't think he was a graphic designer I think he was a man with a computer

nobody has years of experience in this. Everybody's just going, I could give this a go. What about we look at where these... It's a story about the Bang siblings. Trevor and Marcus Bang. And it's about them starting up a pornography company. Okay.

I don't know. I mean, like, I guess it's not really a parody then. Then it's kind of like an origin story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm... I think also, what about the... I'm trying to think if there's something about amateur pornography.

Yeah. And all I can think so far is that everybody involved in the production is in some way amateur, so that even the production accountant and location scout don't really know what they're doing, and it's just

really difficult to work with a totally amateur production because we take the amateur philosophy very seriously not only are the performers in this production uh amateurs i see so even for somebody to be taking a philosophy seriously suggests that they've got some experience element of professionalism it's very difficult to be a professional amateur. Absolutely. You know, you can only be an amateur for so long. Yet they pride themselves on it. It falls away.

It's like the shell of a lobster. I guess maybe to be a professional amateur, you would have to be very serious about not learning anything on any of the productions. I make sure to make a lot of the same mistakes. But also new mistakes. That's right, because or else... I'm constantly learning...

New ways... Ways to remain uninformed. And new ways in which I am doing it wrong. Sometimes what I do is I get... I get very, very drunk the night before. So drunk that in the morning you wake up and you're like, my brain is not working and I think, perfect. This shoot is going to go so well. I'm actually currently being mentored by a person

who I've only met this morning on the train i just i was started speaking to him because he had a big very large dog and to be honest a lot of his advice is dog related yeah i think being mentored by the dog would have been an even even funnier place for that. Well, that was where I was thinking about going, and I just didn't. But look, you saying that, in a way, puts it in there that that's what we could be doing. In a way, it's in there. Getting mentored by the dog.

Woo! Well, I mean, the professional amateur is a... Yeah, is a thing that could be applied to almost any people always complain that the Olympics used to be it's the spirit of amateur sporting sports

it was supposed to be the amateur games people who weren't being paid would go from all over the world to somewhere and now we've changed that a bit in that people who are being paid quite a lot and also getting lucrative endorsements go from all over the world to somewhere to see who could be the best and they take lots of drugs.

And, you know, so that's a little different. It's different and thank you so much. That was such a good bit of talking while I wrote that thing down. No, it wasn't. No, Andy, it was good. Took a lot of drugs and I kept it. They don't always, but, you know,

they are taking a lot of things that nutritionists tell them to take. And I guess they probably also have doctors and maybe drug doctors. Because I guess that's the thing is that with these things,

with performance enhancing drugs, is that you can take... There can always be people just constantly working on drugs that increase performance. And they must be. And... And that you can use them until somebody bans them.

Is there any sense in which drugs are just really, really delicious food? You know, because, like, you know, delicious food, it releases endorphins in our brain. And that's why we enjoy the experience, right? Sure. And, you know, delicious food. It releases endorphins in our brain. And that's why we enjoy the experience, right? Sure. And, you know, drugs release perhaps more. I mean, it also just tastes good, a lot of it, right?

But where's the problem? Yeah, the food. Like, it's not just that it, like, releases endorphins. Well, but what is tasting good, except for, if not, something that gives us a sensation of pleasure? Well, no, no, no. When we put it in our bodies. You're right.

I don't know whether a good flavor is a flavor that releases loads of endorphins, but maybe that's what it is. I just didn't know that that was how it worked. I didn't know either, Alistair, but now I've been forced to take a contrary position to you, and as such, I know 100%

that that is what it is. And also, the strange thing about you saying, saying that drugs are kind of very delicious food, like just super delicious food, is that, ironically, a lot of drugs taste really, really bad. Really? Yeah. So, if you get the chemical taste of ecstasy or something like that on your tongue, taste of like of like ecstasy or something like that on your tongue it's very bitter and chemically and you're like like that but some people will just chew up a pill in their mouth like that and experience that just so that it gets absorbed faster wow yeah but i do like that idea there's

there's that thing i saw a video on YouTube ages ago maybe from Vsauce it's that guy who just explains concepts of some sort and he was asking what is cereal? because is it soup? because I mean it's like

liquid and there's a solid in it or is it like a salad? because like you know so like the you know the thing is you're muesli you've got the different types of grains yeah it's the grain and that's kind of the vegetable leaf part and then the milk is the dressing yeah right uh and so it makes you so you could think of pills as food because it does make sense you know you do take it orally uh is this a thing that we've talked about?

People used to say that in the future, drugs would... meals, entire meals would come in pill form, and that possibly... But we could flitter around and be like, in the future, entire pills could come in meal form. In meal form, yeah. I mean, Xanax used to have to be swallowed with a glass of water,

but now we've formed it into a capsicum. It's sort of been made like we've managed to totally replicate the texture and shape and smell of turkey. So the whole family can sit around for a roast Christmas Xanax. Christmas dinners have never been more peaceful. Look, I think that that's definitely a sketch idea. I think a huge roast Xanax would be a beautiful Christmas thing. You know, a Christmas thing.

Oh, it would be nice. And like, yeah, it would just be, you know, like whoever, like I've never done this, but imagine there must be some people who just get really high with their family. I mean, imagine that. Like, look, I don't really know what it's like to take Valium or Xanax. Yeah. I think Xanax is an antidepressant, right? Right, right.

But there's some that are, like, I think Valium is just one that just like really calms you down, makes you not worry about it. Removes anxiety and stuff like that. Yeah. Imagine taking something like that, like, with your family and just sitting around and watching a movie. You guys will all be real chill. It might be the best you ever get along. Yeah.

And also, tastes exactly like turkey. It's so good. It's even better, you know, I you know i mean better than hanging out with your family normally people say heroin is good right people definitely say people say that all the time people definitely say heroin you know is is more fun say or you know than than turkey but imagine if heroin tasted like turkey see then you've you then it's like infinity plus one. You've got all the goodness of heroin plus that additional goodness in the form of deliciousness of turkey.

So people are always trying to get drugs that have got a bigger hit. Sure. And I'm saying that they are... You could improve a lot of drugs by just improving their flavor and making them nutritious. Nutritious. I hadn't thought about that. I mean, you know, it wouldn't hurt if while you were making the texture and color and all that kind of turkey, if you just put in a few, you know, a few vitamins and things

like that in there. Some proteins. Some proteins. Fiber. Yeah, fiber, you know. Even just, you know, just matter. Keeps you regular. I'll imagine that.

A bit of fiber, yeah, that'd be lovely. I mean, it's a great way to have your heroin. Anyway. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those.

Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. I've written it down.

I've written it down. I've written it down. I've written it down here on my piece of paper. I bloody scribed it, carved it in ink, into the paper tablet of time. Paper tablet of time. Paper tablet of time. Paper is not a great thing for lasting over the years. No, and certainly not for carving into. No.

You know, if you want to get a message onto a piece of paper, carving is probably one of the worst ways. But then again, you know, a pen may fade, but a hole in a paper is forever. Forever. Forever. Or at hole in a paper is forever. Forever. Forever, or at least until that paper disintegrates. Sometimes you find old notebooks and the pen has kind of faded, but the holes in the paper are still there.

Yeah, there's holes in the paper. As long as the paper still exists. There have been times when I've had to write something down and the pen, usually a ballpoint, has gone totally dry on me. Yeah, right. And I do just kind of carve it in. I just sort of scribe in some indentations into the paper. Imagine how hard it would have been for Moses to get it into that rock while he was up on that mountain.

I guess he didn't go up. Was it Moses? Yeah. Yeah, yeah didn't go up. Was it Moses? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Who went up. Moses isn't the guy with the big ark, is he? No, no, that's Noah. Oh, Noah.

Okay, great. I'm pretty sure it was Moses that went up Mount Sinai, perhaps. Wait, did God give him the tablets or did he write it out? Because I imagine he didn't go up expecting that he was getting tablets. Do you think he took a chisel and some tablets with him? I don't think so. So what I think is that he must have had to improvise.

God was starting to give him these commandments. And then he's like, I need to write this down. You got a pen? Are you writing these down? This is really important. Yes, yes. To be honest, it's one of the few times that anybody

even bothered to write down what God said during the whole... Take transcription. Yeah, to take transcription. Dictation. To take dictation. Yeah. Was Moses God's secretary? In a way.

Yeah. In a way. And did they have an affair? I don't want to push stereotypes you know but I do like that that was a good like that that did kind of

break with stereotypes and that you know I'm glad that it wasn't the secretary was a man yeah yeah I'm glad it wasn't you know Mosia or something like that

yeah whatever a woman's name is I mean I think that's that's a funny sketch yeah I think i think that's a great sketch you know and then i i kind of which is he keep he keeps pulling out different chisels he keeps looking in i mean i don't know why but i feel like at the top of the mountain there's a lot of drawers that he's going through or maybe old jars and all the chisels that he pulls out are blunt

so he can't carve into the tablets, right? And then maybe he eventually finds a tablet and on one side there's like a phone bill that's been carved into there and he flips it over and he carves into the other side. Look, that's good too. I think I was picturing it more as like a kind of Bear Grylls type of situation where he's really having to improvise with what nature has given him.

But the fact that there's drawers and things... See, it's interesting the way you say that's good too. Yeah. Right. Oh, because mine didn't sound good. Because I don't think yours is good. Okay, right. So I don't know what that means.

Yeah, yeah. I think yours is bad. I guess I was saying I don't know what that means. Yeah, yeah. I think yours is bad. I guess I was saying that it was just good because I was saying it. It's by default good. Yeah. Assuming. But then it also seems like, yeah, so wait. I kind of missed some of it while I was writing it down.

It doesn't matter. But you were saying that there was loads of chisels. The audience was listening and they will be the judge. Well, I don't... They don't... No, but, like, whenever you're looking for a pen, you're always trying to find a pen. You find a whole lot of pens,

and none of the pens that you need work, right? Yeah, right. You're going through the drawers... All those chisels are floppy. Yeah. Floppy! Floppy is funnier than blunt. Yeah.

I mean, because I feel like a blunt chisel that you could probably steal. Like, you're chiseling into stone. Like than blunt. Yeah. I mean, because I feel like a blunt chisel you could probably still, like, you're chiseling into stone. Like, whoa. Yeah. How sharp can it possibly be? Yeah, it doesn't need to be that sharp. It's not going to stay sharp.

No, you're just getting into it with brute force, really. Look, that's, I just, you know, I just don't pick, why is there a house up there? That's the one other thing I don't understand. Is it just in a cave? There's not a house. There's a bureau. There's just a bureau. There's just a desk. A single desk like that.

And it's full of chisels just for when God dictates. Maybe in his pockets. Maybe he's looking at his pockets. His backpack. It makes me feel like now like God does this a lot. And this is the only one that kind of got famous. God was always getting people to come up there and take notes. Totally.

I mean, so many people would have received divine inspiration. You know, like a lot of us have great ideas. Yeah. But there's only a few of us who have the... It strikes the right moment when you're receptive and you're ready to you know absolutely so yeah like because sometimes you might be you know you aren't busy at like a like a dinner with your with your partner's parents or something exactly and you see god and then god's talking to you and you're trying to hold up this conversation i got a little time god i'm a little busy right now i're trying to hold up this conversation. And I got a little time gone. I'm a little busy right now.

I'm trying to impress the in-laws. Maybe you're getting a phone call while God is talking to you and you're like, I'm sorry. Well, that would be the rudest thing back in those days that I guess that could happen is that because you didn't have mobile phones, but occasionally...

Another God would also start talking to you. Or let's say you're at a sort of like a dinner with your partner's father, right? Yes. And he's talking to you about how he wants to pass down the business onto you guys after you guys are wed. It's a beautiful thing. But you keep looking up at the sky, right?

Yeah. So rather than looking down at your phone. Yeah, really good. Excuse me, have you got something better to do? I'm sorry, than looking down at your phone. Yeah, really good. Excuse me. Have you got something better to do? I'm sorry. God is just passing me messages right now. And I'll try and – can I just pray for just one second?

I just got to tell him I'm busy. This is very important to me. I just – I am so sorry. I'm not saying that God is more important than you. Well. You know. I'm not saying that like god is more important than you uh well you know i'm not saying that no i'm i'm literally you're not saying i prefer you to god if anything it's just that what was that yeah yeah okay is that a kind of funny enough situation? I'm not sure if it's a...

I mean, even to me, like You know, a double date Right? In which, you know, there are two couples And one of the members of one of the couples Is a prophet Right? And when he has to keep leaving the table Say, sorry, I've got to get this You know, and then when he has to keep leaving the table,

say, sorry, I've got to get this. And then when he's gone, the three who are left at the table talk about him and maybe this woman that he's seeing her friends aren't sure about him. He seems very distracted. He's got a very important job. No, the other day he came

up with this, like he prophesied this amazing thing about the town hall. They're going to be doing renovations soon and they're going to be doing a lot of like, you know, sort of going from that Greco Roman style to sort of a more modernist style.

So he's doing a lot of great stuff right now. I think he's a fraud. That doesn't sound like a prophecy. It sounds like urban planning. No, to me, prophecies involve wars and great destruction and change.

He does that too. The other day he cancelled lunch and I got quite hungry. Is that a famine? No, but he does lots of horsemen. He does that too. The other day he cancelled lunch and I got quite hungry. Absolutely. Is that a famine? No, but you know, he does like lots of horsemen, things like that. He does those. It's just, they're not all that.

He comes back to the table. Oh, sorry everyone. That was just quite an important communing. Yeah, I don't know if Deborah's mentioned but I'm actually the chosen one of God to communicate with you know his

minions on earth so anyway yeah no it's just oh there's some big stuff coming up you know it's like as always

stuff in the pipeline yeah anyways talking anyway no no don't worry about it sorry what were you talking about what were you

talking about go on not me I hope hey all good Anyway, no, don't worry about it. Sorry, what were you talking about? What were you talking about? Go on. Not me, I hope. Hey? All good? Huh? I had a prophecy about you guys talking about me while I was in there. It didn't come true, did it?

Oh my God, it came true. He's real. He's God. Oh, he's God. Welcome to the family. No the family another not a family but well I mean there wouldn't

have to be something where they I mean I like some of these sketches like that that kind of go way too way too long oh yeah

I like them too no but like as in like they go really far into the future like imagine there is a prophecy that he comes up with that does kind of win the couple

over. Like maybe one day he's just helping them move. Yep. Oh, you're going to want to wrap that crystal a couple more times. I prophesize it being dropped by the removers. Yeah, or he he's like, you know, they're like, they're moving a couch they're moving a couch or something

like that and they're walking down the steps and he's up top, right? And then the other guy's down the bottom, and then he just sees something while they're going down the stairs, and he drops his half like that, and then it kind of like, you know, they stop suddenly, and he jumps over the couch and knocks the guy out of the way, and then a chandelier falls like that where the guy was, and he goes, he's like, you saved my life. I'm not going to lie.

I thought you were a fraud. When we first met you, we thought all this prophecy stuff was just annoying and grandstanding and a little bit arrogant. Yeah. And then they become really good friends. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe the guy. The girl he was with, they break up.

Yeah. And then they've got to decide who do they stay friends with. The guy who can see the future and talks to God. And who you owe your life to. Or Deborah, who's like your friend. Since primary school. I mean, in many ways, Deborah, you're great because you introduced us to the Oracle. Yeah. many ways deborah you're great because you introduced us to the oracle yeah i mean that's really you know that that that increases your chances but it's hard to pick you over the oracle

especially since he already told us that we pick him i mean i mean now i really feel like i'm just going through the motions but i mean you know i gotta make you feel like you've got a shot in this. Anyway, Debra, it was really nice having a friendship with you. Real nice. Real nice time. If ever you want to get back together with Steve, we'd be willing to take you back into our friendship group. Not going to happen.

I like that. I like that. I like it. Look, I mean, obviously we'll punch it up a little bit more. Yeah. I mean, I don't think you think it's perfect as is.

I think just that. Just the conversation in between is part of the sketch. And, yeah. I mean, would it be crazy for me to wrap up now because we have five?

Is it going to be a short episode? Well, it is 40 minutes, but... Hey, I like it. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, I think we're in there. And you never know. Sometimes going through the list takes time, but sometimes it doesn't take any time.

It's Christmas time. You know what that means. Get your wrapping done early. Get your wrapping done early. Absolutely. We're wrapping it up. I know this is nothing. Why don't people just wrap up gifts in towels

and then just put the towel back on the shelf? That feels like a real lame, hippie thing to do. The paper is... Well, it's not about destroying paper in the end. It's about the surprise. It's about the fact that your gift is hidden. Oh, so the towel is on the shelf with the present wrapped in it.

Like, no, no, no, sorry. I mean, like, after you're done with the towel, after the person's opened the present, you put the towel back on the shelf. Like, you know, you keep... I'm saying you don't throw away the towel. Yeah. So it's a new towel?

No, no, no, no no i'm just saying instead of using wrapping paper you use a towel yeah right and then you wrap up the gift in the towel and then the person opens the gift and then instead of throwing the towel away like you would throw away the wrapping paper you just put the towel back on the shelf okay but how is this not what like what is the element of this that isn't saving wrapping paper? Because you seem to be suggesting that this has got nothing to do with saving wrapping paper. No, no, no. It has everything to do with saving wrapping paper. Okay, is that all it is?

Yeah. So what's the surprise element? No, the surprise is when you open a gift. Like I was saying that the wrapping paper is... It's not about throwing away paper that's not why you use wrapping oh no no it's about the surprise paper because we love throwing away paper yeah i know correct well done alistair you have got very much to the nub of that yes well i was i was saying that because it was such a simple dumb thing to say because i think that

that that is what gives it humor oh fuck what if we what if instead of uh you know um wrapping things up at all you just hid them behind things maybe uh maybe uh a you know delicately arranged um bricks well fucking hell there's hate myself there's problems with that because of, you know... Angles. And also, you know, you've got the gift in the house

with the person. You know, you're waiting for their birthday. It's not wrapped in anything. It's just behind some bricks. They're mobile. You can't make them stay stationary.

All right. Instead of wrapping the paper, we wrap the gift receiver. Right? In a towel? In In a towel Can we save paper? Wrap a towel around their head I was going to suggest that maybe that's What turbines are in the end Like that's what it was just about

It's just a different method of delivering And now to help you, I'm going to suggest that as well That that's what turbines are in the end No, maybe that's what it was just about it's just a different method of delivering to help you i'm going to suggest that as well that that's what turbans are in the end you see no no maybe that's initially what they were and then oh in the beginning in the beginning they were just a wrapping paper saving opportunity instead of wrapping many gifts you just wrapped the head of the person you know but over the eyes but then but then people just enjoyed like liking wearing it as a hat in a a way, you're wrapping your own head. Keeping that as a little surprise that you can reveal to people.

If needs be. If ever, I guess you wanted to give your head, or just the seeing of your head as a gift. And that's kind of what we do with our genitals, I think, is that we wrap them. I don't think that's what we do. We cover them up so that there's just that little element of, whoa. Could be good.

They could be good, maybe. They're probably not. Probably not. And a lot of people will feel the present beforehand to try and work out what's in there before they unwrap it. And so the surprise is ruined. But you know what? I stopped that from happening by keeping a cactus down there. Oh, sometimes I put my genitals inside a cardboard box

and then put my underpants over that so that people can't guess what's in there from the shape. Oh, see, that's good, yeah. Or a cactus. But in the end, all that's in there is actually just money. A cactus down there is a joke on you. Yep. Or a gift card that you can use to exchange for anyone else's genitals in the world.

Or at Colesmire, in the Colesmire group. So alternatives to gift wrapping, to using lots of paper to gift wrap. Not the towel, because the towel's not a funny one. But it could be a good entrance one. Yeah, I think it's a good thing is to present this as a little, like, a fun way to save wrapping paper. You know, we do it as a video of, like,

do the right thing for the planet, save wrapping paper this Christmas. And then we give a bunch of like, do the right thing for the planet, save wrapping paper this Christmas. And then we give a bunch of different ways that you can... You could really sucker in some greenies with that sort of clickbait right there. Save some paper. And they'll go like,

well, I'm definitely watching this. I love this. I think the general population will not bother. I think they'll just wait for a video about MILFs or something like that. The difference, oh, what's the difference between things a MILF would say and things a DILF would say? Yeah. Like that. But I'm going to write things a MILF would say versus things a DILF would say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And DILF, that is, of course, a dog I'd like to frolic with. Befriend. Friend on Facebook. Forage in the undergrowth for truffles. Assuming it's a truffle dog, one of those dogs that they've trained to replace truffle pigs. Because the truffle pigs were, as you might expect, eating a lot of the truffles. And we were eating a lot of their pork.

Yeah. I ate my truffle pig. Oh. Do you think a truffle pig would taste good? Yes. I think it would taste amazing. Yeah? I've been eating truffles.

But has it? Or do they just find the truffles? You know truffle oil? Yeah. No truffles in that. It's a myth. Really? Yeah, it's bullshit. There's no truffles in any tr truffle oil. Yeah. No truffles in that. It's a myth. Really? Yeah, it's bullshit.

There's no truffles in any truffle oil in the world. Really? Yeah, they just put in some chemical that they've extracted that's kind of like the flavor of truffles, and they just put it in there. This is big, Andy. This is big. Wait, where'd you hear this? Was this at, like, loosechange.com or, like, 9-11 truth kind of website.

Jet pure can't melt straw beams. Plus, there's no truffles in truffle oil. Oh, man. I'm surprised this didn't come up in Donald Trump's campaign. Yeah. Nah, a lot of people wouldn't want me to say this. All right, I'm going to go through the things we came up with. We've revisited Scream Australia, and it's other places.

It's a think tank of some sort. It's the board that promotes screams, and they don't just need to be for fear. You could also use them in other places, say while you're getting your hair cut. That awkward silence when you're talking to your... A scream is not just not for Christmas. You can also scream at Christmas. Great. At your puppy that is just for Christmas.

I'd just like to say... That's good. I think I'd just like to say that I think if Donald Trump had made truffle oil one of the pillars of his campaign, he would have struggled a lot more with his anti-elitist message. Yeah, but I don't know, maybe the everyday people, they look like they could be tricked into anything, even thinking that they constantly consume truffle oil.

Yeah. Anyway. Well, in a way, that's it, isn't it? It's like, that's it, isn't it? That's what all these tax breaks for the mega-rich are. The poor are voting for them, but they're not mega-rich. They probably will never be mega-rich. So if Donald Trump had come out with a thing about,

the American dream is one day you could care about truffle oil, and he'd come out with a strong policy on truth in truffle oil. Absolutely. I think you're right, Andy. You're onto something, and I think you should write it up on your Alex Jones website or whatever blog that you're writing at the moment. Yeah. So then there's a sort of going to a thanking dominatrix to give you a good thanking. And I've written something there, but... Oh, yeah, and you're restrained, you know?

Yes, of course. You're restrained. Maybe you're wearing a dog collar, they're ball gag, and you're just reacting very strangely to it. Like, you know, you're reacting like you're getting whipped. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that. There's the truly amateur production, where everything is amateur. Everyone's an amateur except for the professional amateur, but he follows an amateur philosophy by ensuring that he doesn't learn anything. He keeps his eyes closed for a lot of it.

He might even have things like that where he goes like like that where he goes no that's not being an amateur yeah that's just being disabled right and there's a difference if i'm not i'm not trying to make disabled films what about there's a point at which he you know after you've been an amateur for for a certain amount of time um maybe the only way that you can truly achieve your amateur dreams is by like employing other amateurs under you and you become just sort of a mentor figure for these other amateurs yeah i like that because you've got to pass down your lack of knowledge absolutely you don't want it to die with you let me tell you like about like this this is like it feels like a very 1960s beatnik kind of thing,

but where there's a bongo master, and then the bongo student comes and lives with him, but he just kind of lives with him, helps him clean the house and things like that, and he kind of pays his way through board or whatever it is. Learning the bongos. No, no, no. But he's just doing this,

and then he's just waiting for one day the bongo master decides, all right, we'll have a lesson now. And so he's just living, you know, it could be months and months down the road, right? But, you know, this is just the, you get to serve the master. That's the joy of it. Yeah, yeah. So it's one of those situations. But instead, it's the amateur apprentices with the amateur master.

But he never gives a lesson. That's good. Where did you get that bongo master thing from? I remember seeing it somewhere on television once. And I don't remember where I saw it. But it just stuck with me. He just lived with this guy. And he just was waiting for basically a bongo lesson.

And at some point, the master is just kind of grumpy, but he's just a grumpy old man, but he is the best bongo player in all of, I don't know, Idaho or something. Sure played a mean bongo. in all of, I don't know, Idaho or something. Sure played a mean bongo. The next one is, you know, you've heard that one day in the future that meals will come in pill form, well, then one day also drugs will come in meal form.

Yes. And you can get, you know, like Xanax in the form of a turkey or you could get, maybe you could get ecstasy in a capsicum. You know, people taking recreational capsicums yeah yeah maybe there's you know drug busts at raves and someone's just got a grocery bag full of capsicums yeah or like one of those loose string bags full of onions you just see a guy with like a fruit and veg stand running off like like just pushing it away. It's the cops. It's got a supply quantity.

Yeah. Just produce. Yeah. Yes, unfortunately the young man was found dead after consuming a dangerous stir fry of different drugs. Is it a cocktail? Yeah. Well, that's good. I like that.

Moses having to improvise the chiseling implements when they pass down the commandments. Andy's version has a house up there. Not a house, just a bureau. A bureau. Just going through the drawers. There's like a hardware desk, essentially, like I said, a hardware area. In my version, he's having to really improvise, like figure out, you know, at first he's trying to maybe scratch

it into the sand, and he's like, well, that's not that permanent, you know. Come on! That's God. I'll remember it. I'll make him a mnemonic. And then he's like, but there are 15 of these. And you go, oh my god.

Yeah, great. And we got this sort of the double date with the prophet. Yeah. And it's just, you really get deep into these people's lives. I think that could be a short film. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Double date with a prophet. Yeah.

Prophet date. And then there's alternatives to to throwing away Wrapping paper Mostly it's wrapping The person It's a long film I'm going to start A long film festival Well that's good yeah

So instead of short films It's movies that go for Way longer than Even normal films Yeah yeah yeah Like would you say Six hours? Six

Eight hours I think Lars von Trier's Nymphomaniac was six hours, and he couldn't cut anything out. Not even any of the sex. No. Not even any of the weird boob shots or whatever. Have you seen it?

No, I've got no idea. I don't even know what a weird boob shot would look like. Well, I guess one from where it's being pressed up against a screen door. Yeah, or a fly screen. I've never seen that. No, yeah. And it's from a strange angle where you can't even see, you just kind of see the skin poking

through. Like, imagine that. So the shot is looking straight up the door, like that, and then you just see little bumps of flesh poke through like that. And you're like, what is that? It's a weird boob shot. Yeah, I mean, that's truly amateur, isn't it? Like, if you're making pornography and you can barely even see any of the skin.

Because you're filming from outside a screen door. Maybe they're making a statement. Maybe it's a satire. Oh, yeah. And that's all our sketches for this one. And that's all our sketches for this one. That is all the sketches we have. We have.

That was the best one so far. So thank you very much for listening to the podcast. Please, you know, if you want, I know it's a hassle to go into iTunes because it's probably the worst piece of software that's ever been created and it's so clunky and awful

but don't get iTunes offside mate they've got all the algorithms man it doesn't matter they haven't helped us in the past I mean

fuck iTunes I don't think they were onside anyway go go in just log in for once and just subscribe and review the thing thank you so

that would be so lovely thank you so much you don't have to but you can do that if you want to. It would be beautiful. We would thank you in a way that Andy would get much pleasure from. Yeah, man. If I was thanked in the way that we're going to thank you, it would be all over for me. Yeah, all over. And we're on Twitter and we're on Facebook.

We also got a Facebook page that you can like yeah it's two in the think tank two in the think tank and I'm stupid old Andy on Twitter Alistair

what is your handle on Twitter I'm at AlistairTB yeah that's right and you can also follow two in tank and that's about it yeah

so thanks very much for listening and tell your parents about the podcast oh my god download it onto your parents about the podcast. Oh, my God. Download it onto your parents' phone while they're not looking. We're looking for a really old demographic.

Well, you know. Actually, that's true. A lot of your parents probably don't realize that they even have a podcasting app that comes default with iPhone. Oh, this is a great market to tap into. Yeah. So teach your parents how to podcast by downloading our podcast. No, no. Don't even teach them.

Just go and sign in and subscribe. It'll automatically download it every week or whatever. I know, but also teach them to listen to it so that this can be their introduction to podcasts. I don't care so much about that. No, yeah, and then send us a photo on Twitter or Facebook of your parents listening to the podcast and then giving us

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