Two In The Think Tank - 65 - "BANANAWEB"

Episode Date: February 7, 2017

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You're listening to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy and this is my cobber. Alistair Trombley, virtual. G'day guys. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank. We're going to be coming up with all sorts of sketches and comedy riffs. Yes.

During this next 45 to one hour. Minutes. Minutes. So hang in there, listen up, as we organically come to ideas. And if the ease with which you constructed that introduction, Alistair, is anything to go by, the organic nature of these ideas

is going to make the birth of life on earth look positively inevitable. Yeah, great. Well, that's right. I don't even really know what that sentence meant, but that's great. Do you think life is inevitable? Well, yes. Well, because it happened.

Because it finds a way. Yeah, I know, but do you think that, well, I mean, what does that even mean? Does it mean if it happened once, then was it inevitable? Yeah, I know, but do you think that... Well, I mean, what does that even mean? Does it mean if it happened once, then was it inevitable? Yeah, I guess. But I mean... I mean, it's a shitty argument. It feels like there's a hole in that argument, right? Yeah, like...

Well, I mean, it is now... Has been inevitable. Yeah. But whether or not it's inevitability means it will be infinitely evitable. You know? Yeah. But whether or not it's inevitability means it will be infinitely evitable. But if it sprung up about 500 other times, let's say, in the universe, then you would say officially inevitable. I think 500. I think 500. Like, you know, if you get roughly one sort of puddle of life emerge for every, let's say, 100 million stars, I think that's enough to say it's inevitable.

It's just a small percentage of, you know. Do you think that if the aliens do land, right, you know, in the middle of a crowded square. Yeah, rather than sort of just hover above. Yeah, yeah, they land in the middle of a crowded square. Two aliens come out down the gangplank. Yeah. Obviously... Gangplank. The gangplank, you know, obviously in the middle or, you know,

the tail end of an ongoing argument. One of the aliens says to the other alien, see, I told you it was inevitable. And then they both get back on the spacecraft and piss off. Like, would you think that there's a chance that they would develop interstellar travel and come here just to settle an argument? Well, I suppose once a civilization gets so advanced that everybody has, you know, universal basic income. Yep. And robots have automated everything. Universal basic income. Yep. And robots have automated everything.

Universal basic income. One of the recurring themes of this podcast. I wonder why. We're just trying to get it out there into the zeitgeist. Come on, guys. If we just say it enough, it must happen. My goal in life is to not have to move. Our goal in life is to not have to start a Patreon.

Yeah. Oh, well, I think one day we're going to fail. Oh, well, we gave it a good shot. Yeah, we did. I mean, to be honest, we've gone 64 episodes, maybe 65 without doing it. To be honest, have you ever seen a podcaster with that much restraint? It's unheard of these days yeah see um laziness if you play it right can really look like restraint absolutely absolutely um and these people who

never get off the couch who you know who just gorge themselves until they're so obese they can't leave the their living room right yeah You've got to admire their restraint. Of going out. Yeah. And, you know, starting a Patreon account. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Well, I guess that is quite an interesting thing. People who are very lazy in one way are actually achieving a ton in another way. In a way that society doesn't value. Yeah, well, that's right. It's probably bad for them in the long run. Sort of like, let's say, CEOs of companies, they're productive in a sort of entrepreneurial sense, but in a sort of getting bed sores kind of sense,

they're extremely lazy. Yeah. Yeah. in a sort of getting bed sores kind of sense, they're extremely lazy. Yeah. Yeah. And somebody needs to have a look at these executive bed sore deals because, you know, when everyone's complaining about their pay packets. Yeah.

Right? But they're not cashing in those bed sores. Absolutely. Wait, when you say executive, like do you mean executive beds? Sores? Like, they're the sores that you get from executive beds. Both. Yeah, great.

Both that and the sores that are borne by executives. Borne. I've realized recently when I say Scottish borne, there's a chance that it could mean that I'm heading towards Scotland rather than borne in it. Is that borne? Borne? Yeah, B-O-R-N-E.

That means you're carried by, but not that you're heading towards. Could Scotland be Alistair-born? Like if for some reason I was carrying Scotland on my back? Yes. Metaphor. Australia is a sheep-born nation. Like we could have said once upon a time.

Yeah, but then in an earlier time you couldn't have said that because there were no sheep here. Australia really did ride on the sheep's back. That would be really cruel and unusual. But also entirely in keeping with our colonial past, which is quite shameful. A period of real, you know, animal rights. It's a real dip. It's a real, it would have been a real dip, yeah. A real dip. A sheep dip.

At a time when we were, a sheep dip, which, you know, these days it's rare that you encounter a sort of a carnivorous dip, maybe other than a pate. No, a sheep dip is a thing that you chase the sheep through, and it's full of vaccines and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, carnivorous dip. You run a chip along it, and then you scoop it up to the thing, and then you eat.

You never feel quite full, you know? You can't have a dip dinner. See, airborne diseases aren't heading towards the air. They're heading towards you. Well, they are headed towards the air. Well, yes, but not as a destination, Alistair. Only as a vector, as a transport route. I know, but I don't think a disease has a destination.

Public transport, Victoria online app for diseases, trying to get from one person to another. You see a little bacteriological item, a little germ, pulling out his mobile phone and using his flagellum to tap away on the touch-sensitive screen and type in that he'd like to get to John Wilson of 32 Melville Crescent Borania Borania and it says okay well you want to squirm

50 centimetres to the left and get picked up on the boot of Janice Tarania who comes past every morning at 6.30am and so on and so forth And so on and so forth. And so on and so forth.

Was that a sketch? Look, okay, yeah. Because I've been wanting to ask that for a few minutes. We've sort of been a bit short attention span in that we've jumped around a lot. Man. Pre-born. I'm sorry I brought up the born thing.

No, no, no. I mean, we had some good times. We had the carnivorous dip. Yeah. We had the, you know, the bug. See, there's possibly something in a carnivorous dip. Yeah, okay. You know, like a meat dip.

I mean, really, what have we got? We've got tarama salata. Yeah. Which I believe is the... It's eggs. Fish eggs. Fish roe. Yeah, fish roe.

And then, I think, I guess salmon i guess salmon smoked salmon yeah that's true and then and then that's it like nothing else there's no like a like a just like a meat paste yeah i guess meat definitely becomes more disgusting when it loses its texture right like runny meat yeah like yeah yeah a meat that oozes people like I mean, bolognese, people like a bolognese. Oh, I know, but that is like, you know, mince kind of goes into mini meatballs. Yeah, those chunks in the bolognese are definitely the highlights of the bolognese for me. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think I still remember a specific clump in the bolognese that I got when I was about 12.

And just being like, wow, this is practically a mouthful. I think I still remember a specific clump in the bolognese that I got when I was about 12. Wow. And just being like, wow, this is practically a mouthful. And just, I remember very little from my childhood, but I remember that clump of bolognese. Yeah, well, the meat clump. How satisfying it was. Yeah, it's the sort of the cluster, the cereal cluster of the meat. Right, right, the Kellogg's crunchy nut. Yeah, I love a cluster. And so the meat in the bolog the Kellogg's crunchy nut. Yeah, I love a cluster.

And so the meat in the bolognese definitely offers that service. What about a TV show, right, that is Leon Wilmot. These are the clumps of your life. Right, and it just does like a 20 to 1 kind of wrap up of like the top 20 clumps featured in this guy's life. Right?

So there'd be a clump of bolognese. Right? There'd be a clump of like of hair from a plug hole. There'd maybe be a clump of hair from a plug hole. There'd maybe be a clod of earth. Oh, yeah. A clod of earth that you break up and then it turns to dust. You think it's a rock. Do I talk about these a lot?

No. Oh, I feel like I do. You might have mentioned it on the podcast once. But it's a thing I'm aware of as well. You're like, oh, a rock. And then you squeeze it a little bit you're like oh no yeah it has very little integrity yeah i love those so much i think they in a way they bring me more joy than than sadness right um look yeah look i've got le, these are the clumps of your life

Just to kind of go through clumps a little bit more What other things can clump? I guess people Yeah, I guess maybe a bunch of children Like a party, yeah, no, sort of chasing after a ball maybe In a junior level soccer match Oh yeah, or even just like a sort of a stacks on. Yeah.

A stacks on kind of leaves you with a... Form a clump. Yeah. That is good. What about any metaphorical clumps? Let's see. Like a... Well, I mean, you know, like a period of intense work could form a clump.

Yeah. Or let's say like a trauma might be able to be a sort of a clump of emotion there, like a knot of emotion in your stomach there. Yeah, in your stomach or in your throat as well. Those are quite distinct, I think, clumps. I think the one in the throat is more sort of guilt tinged with sadness. Yeah. But the one in the stomach is more sadness tinged withed with sadness yeah the one in the stomach is more

sadness tinged with guilt oh and stress i get yeah i get the stress in there down in the stomach yeah these are the clumps of your life yeah and actually while and then maybe it can finish with a blood clot that is currently working its way towards leon's of course yeah which will be the very final one yeah the final clump. Blood clump. Of course, then there's the movie The Clumps. Of course, that's got to be in there. Yeah. Well, before we sort of went into these are the clumps of your life. to these are the clumps of your life.

I suspect that there were probably more DVDs of the Nutty Professor, the clumps, made than were sold. In that case, it is very likely that they were at some point melted down into a clump of clumps. That's true. Well, there may be, they actually may have been tipped into a tip,

like a big garbage dump, covered in earth. And so they might actually be a clump of clumps inside an earth clump. An earth clump. Yeah. Anyway, we can dream. But when we were starting this one, because I was saying how one clump is like the other clump, the meat is like the clump. It made me think of, I guess it's another sort of game show,

maybe more like a talk show kind of situation. But like one of those old style ones where people had a bit more time to chat. Right. You know, Dick Cavett. The Dick Cavett show is a perfect example. It'd be like four seats and Dick kind of in the middle and like four celebrities.

It'd be like... Like Parkinson. You of in the middle and like four celebrities it'd be like like parkinson you ever watch parkinson yeah like parkinson parkinson's kind of uh you know like a latter day dick a latter day dick cavett right he used to get like you know groucho and then like uh the guy who wrote howl would be on there how alan ginsburg alan ginsburg and then you get like a guy who's a truman capote truman capote is definitely one that i've seen yeah i bet he was quite the raconteurberg. And then you get like a guy who's a... Truman Capote. Truman Capote is definitely one that I've seen. Yeah, I bet. He was quite the raconteur. Oh, absolutely.

And then, you know, somebody else. Maybe a woman. Dorothy Parker. Yeah, there you go. Anyway, it's a show like that. But essentially it's a game version of conversation. I'm just waiting for you to bring this back to clumps. No, yeah, yeah.

So the game is, tell me a version of that in your life. So somebody brings up something, they go, I quite enjoy serving a tennis ball because I find it very satisfying. See, that's not a raconteur. That's a racketeur on the stair. Well, it wasn't Truman Capote. You know, as soon as I said raconteur the first time, I was like, I was wondering, I wonder if I'll get to do a tennis pun.

And then what are the fucking chances that you would bring up serving a tennis ball as the first example? And then I had to do a tennis pun now i have a knot of sadness tinged with guilt in my stomach oh that's where the stress goes you should go up in your throat let's forget that other idea i don't mean there's something about like conversation as a competition which is a thing that i've definitely seen people do, right? Not intentionally, but I knew a guy who was really insecure and any anecdote that people told, he would have to tell a more extreme version of that anecdote

to the point where you were like, well, he's clearly making these up, right? Like we were telling anecdotes about... we were sitting around just telling anecdotes. I would never call anything that I say, whoa, an anecdote. But talking about muck-up day at school, right? Yeah. And he told his anecdote early on in the conversation, right? And it was fine. But then other people told subsequently more impressive anecdotes.

And then he came back with another anecdote about how they tied all the chairs and tables upside down to the roof of the classroom, right? And I was like, well, firstly, okay, there's no way you ever did that. And secondly, if that was your anecdote, mate, you should have told us that one first. What are you doing keeping your muck-up day anecdote in your back pocket as if you know the conversation will even go on to this point? This is clearly an emergency made-up anecdote that you've done

just to try and win the anecdote battle. Sure, but there's a chance that this guy's been around the block a few times. He's been in a few anecdotal conversations. Oh, he knows how these things go. He knows you don't go out with your top anecdote. He goes into every topic knowing that he's got

two anecdotes. You know, like a ninja that goes into or walks into a room and he instantly knows seven ways to kill anybody in there. Yeah.

He goes in, he walks into any room and he hears a topic. He always has two stories and he starts with his weakest one. Yeah, right. And that's just a little range fighter.

And he goes early. And he goes real early. Yeah, it's like lawn bowls or something. You have an early bowl, and then you just wait, and you just see what everyone else does. That's right. And then you can come in at the end with your big belter and knock all the others out of the way. Yeah, it's like the opposite of going rounds of drinks at a bar. Because if you go in rounds of drinks at a bar, you go late.

Right, so people have drifted off. Yeah, and by the time your second round comes around, the night might be over. See, that's good, Alistair. You write that down. That's just good advice. Well, that's good advice, but we're not coming up with advice ideas. Okay, I want to turn this sort of combat anecdotes into a theme, right? And I would like to almost see, I don't know, I wonder about seeing it from like inside this guy's sort of more like it pauses with a military strategy kind of being drawn on the screen a little bit like, you know, like the cricket commentators sometimes do.

They pause it and they draw a few things and things like that. Yeah, great. So like it's earlier than conversation. It's like, oh, we're telling camping anecdotes. So like maybe even time kind of freezes, or just the sound tunes down, and you see his little mind palace, his Sherlock mind palace. I'm like, I'm going to tell this anecdote.

But that's... Well, what if then someone tells an anecdote that's about this? Yeah, and then you go, yeah, I think that's fun. I want to keep that one back. Strategizing. And then maybe combining some anecdotes as well. Well, that's a good idea, yeah. So then he's...

What if I combine the anecdote about the time I met Dave Grohl with the anecdote about the time I went on the Gravitron? What if I met Dave Grohl on a Gravitron? That's got to be more impressive than just going on a Gravitron. Absolutely. And then he's... But then also each story has enough detail in it, you know, because they're both real stories

that that seems believable I mean this guy wouldn't have come up with this much detail with you know

a story that seems so improbable one would think no not yeah no I think there's something in that

yeah yeah combat anecdotes combining anecdotes. Combining anecdotes. That too. Combaticdotes. Bat it?

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, Al. Move on! Were you making a portmanteau? I was trying to monto a port. Yeah. But portmanteau, does that mean like carry a coat? Yes.

Or wear a coat? It's French for wear a coat. Wear a coat. Which, you know, I think is a portmanteau in itself. Would you rather wear a raincoat or carry an umbrella, Alistair? I would never want to carry an umbrella. Never? Like, I mean, I carry it sometimes, but I don't want to. Right.

Because I have a raincoat. Yes. And I feel like that's enough. And you like getting your legs wet? Well, I just accept that they will. I mean, the legs, I would imagine, are unhappy about the raincoat concept because it's it's really it's a class system of like well the upper body doesn't want to get wet so what if we just dribble this all down onto the legs sure but some raincoats are long one day those legs are

going to throw you off a cliff mate um i know people who have you have been thrown off cliffs. By their legs? Well, they took them there. It's very suspicious. I don't know if they actually got them over the edge. Sometimes it could just be the weight of the head. Yeah, that's true. It's a center of gravity. Somebody told me a story about... Oh, I mean, now I'm just telling somebody else's story.

Somebody told me a story about they were at Machu Picchu or something like that, and then there started being a fire on the hill. And then they were like running down the other side of the hill to try to get away from it. But every now and then they'd run through some bushes and there'd just be a drop off. Fuck. And they would just fall and then land on their knees. And then get up and then start running again. Wow.

Was Dave Grohl there? And then at the bottom, we tied all the chairs to the roof. Maybe he did do that, and I've just wrongly judged his anecdote. It just seemed... How? What are you tying it... I mean, amazing if you did do that. But also, maybe the anecdote is too good. Are they upside down as well?

I guess, yeah. I think too good. Are they upside down as well? I guess, yeah. I think they tied the whole thing upside down. So it's like a Mary Poppins kind of tea thing. Yeah, upside down. And I can picture that a lot of schools have got that sort of ceiling grid with those ceiling tiles and stuff. So what, you're lifting some of the ceiling tiles? Maybe, and then lashing things. See, the way I was picturing it was you were going,

I guess the way that my school was built, you could get, I guess, a rope out the window. Over the whole roof of the building. No, no, no, up into the upstairs classroom, and then out that window at the hallway, and then back in, and then you're just kind of like hanging them like a clothesline, upside down. But that seems really inefficient what about if you were tying it all to the

sprinklers hey that sounds like a bad idea bloody recipe for trouble that one somebody wants a soaking yeah now umbrella or raincoat that's the question mate are you an umbrella or raincoat? That's the question. Mate. Are you an umbrella or a raincoat guy? I'm loving the callbacks. I mean, I am constantly disappointed by raincoats in that they always end up letting a bit of water through. You know? Yeah. They give up. They'll only coat you for the rain.

That's true. Unless it's one of those sort of yellow fisherman's raincoats. Right, which don't let anything through. No. But are some of the cheapest and nastiest raincoats you could imagine? Oh, no, I reckon the ones that you've seen have been awful. You reckon you can get some real good ones? Yeah, I reckon.

Like the proper fishermen. Yeah, good high-end stuff. Guys who are on good lobster money and stuff, you know? It is good lobster money, isn't it? There would be. Well, I mean, if you're on a TV show, that's extra money on top of it. The deadliest catch. Yeah. money and stuff you know it is good lobster money isn't it there would be yeah well i mean from the you know they give you if you're on a tv show that's extra money on the deadliest catch yeah um of all yeah of all so wait is that the catch that kills you the most

yeah that's what it was called the deadliest catch yeah so but not the catch that killed the most things like no no no no wait yeah it's the catch that kills the most things. No. No, no, no. Wait. Yeah, it's the catch that kills you. I know, but what about the... Like, you caught so many things and they all died. That could also be the deadliest catch. So let's say, like, a whale, because it's eating plankton,

but they're so numerous. In a way, that's the deadliest catch. That's the deadliest catch. Well, that's if we value all lives equally. Yeah, because, I mean, the deadliest catch, they're complaining about some of their men dying, but, you know... The thousands of crabs. Yeah, the thousands of lobster-y, crabby things.

They're not counting those. Do you think that one of the biggest risks, though, for those deep- crab fishermen is suicide from having heard too many catching crabs jokes. Oh, yeah, that is... Because, I mean, maybe if we looked at the statistics, we'd see that actually only a very small percentage of them die at sea. And most of them die on land as a result of terminal joke exhaustion. Yeah, catching crabs. Well, especially I guess a lot of them didn't get great educations.

So they probably haven't been given the tools on how to deal with such an influx of catching crabs jokes. And that's kind of gone down for generations and generations and their dad wasn't good at dealing with it. And they just assumed that that's what life is. It's just an endless onslaught. And they look down the tunnel of life and they can see no escape from the catching crabs jokes. No, nothing but, yeah.

Tragic. Yeah, in many ways, yeah. Suicide is tragic, yeah. Yeah, that's really what the song should have been on MASH. Suicide is tragic. The end. Yeah. You know, the guy who wrote that was the son of one of the producers of the show.

The lyrics or the music? I feel like I probably already brought this up on an episode of the podcast. Yeah. Let's not go over it again. Oh, I tell you what, my comedy brain is doing some great stuff. I mean, if you like that bit about suicide, I'll stay. But you're tragic. I mean, look, we're both in the midst of a lot of stuff that is...

Yeah, there's a lot going on. That is stealing our sleep away from us right now. And it is coming through on the quality of these ideas today. Is there some way we can get a comedy out of exhaustion, right? Yeah. All right. About, like, if we can maybe reformat society in such a way as to work in the favor of the extremely tired.

So what about, wait just from this is how i i took what you said if you took anything from what i said i'm happy great so so you know the way that like society seems to be at the moment uh catering to men who are white that seems to be the people who benefit the most right and possibly men who are white. That seems to be the people who benefit the most. Right. And possibly men who are white and rich. Yes. Right? But if instead you changed society's rules, the laws of life, and the laws of, you know,

the rule of, you know, laws and shit. If you change those instead to favor the exhausted. Oh, man. Yeah, okay. So somehow that they're the ones who succeed the most or who just get the most out of life. So let's say people who are taking naps, if you're taking an, if you're having an, if you just drift off accidentally.

Yeah, I see. I think taking a nap is maybe like, is not it, because these people are clearly not going to, well, they're not going to stay exhausted, right? The thing about exhaustion in this privileged society is that it gets passed down as well, you know, and you hold on to it once you've got your level of exhaustion. People are very reluctant to sort of let that trickle down to the less tired. So, you know, you would never nap. You would never give up that privileged position.

No, absolutely, I guess, yeah, because you're… Vested interest. What's the levels in the Aldous Huxley book there? There's the alphas or something like that? Oh, right, no, I don't know. Is that Brave New World? Yeah, man, I haven't read it. Oh, mate, me neither.

I read the other one. 984, haven't read that. Oh, I've read 984. Oh, really? It's really good, but let's focus on the exhaustion. Fahrenheit 451, you read that? No, I haven't read that one. Oh.

Oh, is that that guy? What's the guy's name who wrote that? Who's that? Anthony Burgess? Oh, maybe I didn't know. Oh, I haven't read that one. Oh, is that that guy? What's the guy's name who wrote that? Is that Anthony Burgess? Oh, maybe I didn't know. No, I don't know. I just thought it was a guy who's... Maybe I just... I always think of firemen when I think the 451.

Yeah, that is about firemen. Oh, yeah. What's it called? Fahrenheit. Oh, yeah. Of course, it's got temperature. It was due to be about firemen. I'm sorry.

I changed the subject, Alistair. Okay, this tired thing. All right. So, firstly, right, people who are sort of not not napping but certainly drifting off at the wheel yeah right maybe they're constantly running into large piles of money or uh you know they're constantly finding themselves okay the car goes down into a ditch yeah there's gold nugget there gold nugget somehow we've legislated so that there's gold nuggets i don't think we've i don't think we've legislated at all i think this is just the way the universe is structured it's an act it's an accidental thing yes it's nothing to do with um your your race or i mean, I guess the traditional forms of privilege

that we talk about are ones that have been built into society through generations of sort of graft and oppression, right? But, and maybe that's happened with this one as well, but the point is that really tired people are doing really well for themselves Okay, that's great I've got gold nuggets in a ditch

What have you got Alistair? The rules of squash Have been changed So that When you Hit it and it doesn't quite It doesn't hit in between the two middle lines, but it hits underneath, right, accidentally, then that's triple points. Do you think that's something that's more likely to happen more often to very tired people?

I think so, yeah. Okay. What else happens more often to really tired people? Okay. So they sort of drift off in the middle of conversations. Maybe their eyes are very heavy. I guess the media would tell us that it's more attractive to have heavy lidded eyes. To have your eyes kind of mostly closed.

Just big bags under your eyes. Yeah. And somehow... And that's like on billboards and there's a lot of pressure on women who aren't tired to look tired and that's why they're always putting on eye sort of yeah but they're putting in sort of like gray makeup under their eyes yeah yeah um and and and then maybe you know saggy skin is really? Like sort of just slightly saggy facial skin? Yeah, yeah.

And bloodshot sort of. Oh, yeah, bloodshot. So people are like smoking marijuana as a performance enhancing thing because it makes them a bit lethargic. But then do you think that... Sorry, Alistair, I just talked right over what you were just saying. That's fine, that's fine. Continue.

But do you think that like... Because hip-hop culture all the time has like appropriated the trappings of wealth. And like wealth has become a big thing that is boasted about. Yeah. Because that is, you know, like the dominant narrative of what success is. Yeah. Right. So instead, rap and hip-hop would become about how tired you are look i i would

love that yeah and then the people and then the blues the blues would become like more about man i can't get to sleep because i'm always so perky yeah or no you can sleep i've been sleeping really well right okay right and, yeah, okay, right. And as a result, feeling very perky during the waking hours. Yeah. I think we've chipped away at this enough now to say that there's something in that. Yeah.

I don't know how we set this up. I mean, I'd like to think that we could just launch into it and maybe we need like some social commentator or professor or something like that to be talking intermittently throughout the sketch about these kinds of pressures and about what can be done to tackle exhausted privilege but we also need to tell people that it's a i'm not trying to make some kind of comment about how tired people actually are privileged right it's just but it's maybe it could be like a talk. It's narrated by a person who's like a study – the people who study culture.

What's that? Sociologist? No, the other one. Anthropologist? Anthropologist talking about a city in like one of those – one of the weird European countries. Yes. The ones that you barely know the name of and then they talk about

how this is a phenomenon phenomena there phenomenon phenomenon I don't know that could just be yeah

it's just a way around it you know you can you can get into it relatively go you know like one one quirk of of this city

is is it actually the the most privileged people in this city are those who are exhausted. I have been tired all my life because my father was very tired and would keep me awake as a small boy, telling me how tired he was. And as such, his exhaustion was passed on down to me. He got his wealth by driving into a lot of ditches where there were gold nuggets. And I have continued in the same vein.

I was lucky enough to be a truck driver like him. Doing those long distances. Yeah, not only having to drive long distance and stay awake, but also having insomnia. Luckily, it's a genetic thing. And I have a very attractive wife. She's obviously... She's exhausted She's unbelievably tired She's wiped out Yes, she's constantly Raving She's a raver Somehow ravers are doing really well in this society Well, they are partying a lot Yeah

They party all the time But what's strange about ravers Is that In this society, they're actually doing better in society once they come down off the drugs. Right. Yeah. That morning after.

But when they go back on the drugs, they achieve a lower status. They get a burst of energy. People spit at them and things like that because they're just so like... Yeah. Like full energy. People spit at them and things like that because they're just so like um, stum, stum, stum, stum. Yeah. Full energy. Vital. Vitality. Yeah. I mean, what position would that give Red Bull in a sort of

society like this? Well, it would become like a sort of a downer drug in a way that puts people in a less privileged, you know, that puts people in a less privileged, you know, that ruins people's lives. Do you think that there would be sort of people who are like CEOs of companies who are, you know, very exhausted men who sometimes just want to see what it's like to be a normal person every now and then?

Yeah. And so then he would have a Red Bull. Wait, but that kind of perks you up, right? Yeah, that's what you're saying, isn't it? Yeah, but it perks you up, but then it also stops you from sleeping. Sleeping. It's definitely a complicated scenario we've built here, Alastair, and we're going to have to be very careful about what information we reveal or don't reveal in the eventuality

that we make this sketch, which, by the way, will never happen. No, I want it to happen. You want it to happen? Okay, great. Do you think that maybe Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, instead of wanting to go outside the walls of her castle, would want to just have some sleep with Aladdin and wake up feeling refreshed to see what it's like out on the streets where people sleep really easily. It's bloody rights itself.

You're right. You're right. Do you think we could write a Disney movie? I've considered it. Really? You've considered like what? Like writing one and then sending it to them? Yeah.

What kind of animals were in it? It was about two twins, actually, as it happens. Two twins? Two twins. Yeah. A pair of twins. One pair of twins. One pair of two twins.

Yeah, great. Who, you know, because I thought it would be interesting to explore sibling relationships in a way that I thought maybe Disney hadn't done that much. That's true. in a way that I thought maybe Disney hadn't done that much. That's true. And then they made Frozen, which did that. And I figured, well, that was really my idea, I suppose.

I thought of that. But they've done Ice, but they haven't really done Fire yet. Fire Boys. Yeah, the Fire Boys. Is that the Fire Twins? Do you think that would be something? Maybe they want to be firemen? Yeah, I think... We could call it Fahrenheit...

Two. Two. Twins. One. And then one is spelled W-O-N. Great. I don't think you've ever seen a Disney movie. Yeah, you're right.

None of the titles are puns. Okay. What about Frozen? Was that a pun? No, I'm just joking. It's in a weird way. Yeah. Also, Disney movies aren't never about someone who wants to be a fireman as well.

It's got to be somebody who's got a birth who wants to be a fireman as well. It's got to be somebody who's got a birthright. To be a fireman. Yeah, all right. Well, I mean, you could do one about stealing fire from the gods or something, or the discovery of fire or something like that. But you can't do one about wanting to be a fire... You can't do a Disney movie about someone with a realistic career ambition. Oh, right. So there's no realistic career ambition ones.

I don't think so, no. What about a kid that wants to just work in admin? Oh, they did make that, yeah. I think that was Mulan. I mean, I think they... Oh, wait, did they do Ratatouille? It was Pixar. Oh, was it?

Yeah. But in that case, it was a rat. Oh, that's true. And so it was... Becoming a chef is a ridiculous idea for a rat. In that context, yes. Okay. I believe.

Yeah, right. I think my theory still stands. Yeah, right. I think my theory still stands. Yeah, no, I think you've done well. The relative scale of ambition of the desire has to be significant, either compared to your being a rat or your body volume. Sure. Which is also small for rats. Yeah. Did they do that robot, that fighting robot? fighting roly no no no the fighting robot the uh

big hero yeah big hero five or something like that big hero six big hero six they did yes i think i don't know it doesn't matter it's still it's ridiculous enough yes okay but yeah but what do you think is the avenue to get a Disney movie on? To get something to Disney? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if they just take submissions. Because I figure a lot of people are probably thinking they could do it. I don't know.

To be honest, it feels like too big a task to me. It feels really easy to me. Wow. I reckon we could knock one out in a weekend. But the Lion King is Hamlet, right? So, I mean, are you saying that you could just steal a play? I wasn't until you brought that up, Alistair. But now Troilius and Cressida.

I'm going to do that, but with twins. What about waiting for Godot, but with twins? Yes. So we're both waiting for Godot. Or waiting for two Godots. Yeah. Twin Godots. Two Godots, two waiting for them.

This is going to be forever known as the tired episode. Yeah. And the thing is that we're so tired that we can't even go back and start again because there's no time now. So we have to press on deep into the i mean we could find a new sort of plane of existence that's true that's true you know we could push through well you know like there's things like uh ayahuasca or um there's a other. What's the one that people take? Anyway, there's these drugs like salvia and things like that where you have to smoke.

Salvia, isn't that an artificial sweetener? Maybe, but there is a salvia that is a plant that you smoke and then it's a very powerful hallucinogen. And you've got – there's another one that I can't think of but it lasts for like 10, 20 minutes and it just takes you to another world. DMT, right? Yep. Anyway, so you've just got to get to a certain amount. Like there's this particular thing I think if you're smoking DMT. I've never done it but you've got to kind of like do like three cones very quickly.

And apparently after one, people are often like, I want to stop. Like that, right? But people are like, no, keep going. Or maybe it's after the second one they're like, I want to stop. Like that, right? But people are like, no, keep going. Or maybe it's after the second one, they're like, I can't do this. And they go, keep going, have a third. And then after you have the third, you break through to the other side. Right. And you are like.

In a totally parallel dimension. You are not, yeah, not in this reality. You are in another world. Apparently, you often see a purple lady, right? That's apparently a thing a lot of people recurring thing right um but i wonder if there's other things in the world that are like that let's say if you have enough you break through to the other side but we've just not with humans have just not done that like macaroni and cheese like macaroni and cheese like so this is the thing anyone ever had their fourth pasta bake in a row?

I'm talking like a big pasta bake. Well, because I think maybe because initially I was going to think hot dogs, but then I thought, well, hot dog competitions have at least shown us that it's probably not even within human capability to get to the other side of hot dogs. But I mean, if anybody is going to get to the other side through overconsumption of something that isn't drugs, it's going to happen by accident in one of those hot dog eating competitions. Because no one else is pushing themselves in that way. Nobody is trying to overeat pasta bake. No, that's true. There's no glory in that.

I mean, there should just be... So it's just a research facility that has come up with this theory that because some drugs are psychoactive at a certain point, then that might happen with other things, right? And so now what they're doing is they're reviewing footage of...

Well, first of all, obviously they're asking a lot of hot dog competition participants whether or not whether any of them have ever broken through to the other side. But then they're also not entirely believing it because maybe nobody wants to give away the secret, then everybody will be eating too many hot dogs. Who knows, right?

So then they're they start reviewing footage and just seeing if anybody looks like maybe they've gone to the other side. People say that you can get high from smoking the stringy stuff from inside bananas. Is that right? People definitely do say that. Because I think it would be funny, even on maybe a simpler level than what we've been talking about, to just do a sketch that is about some people who chase a high by smoking hot dogs.

Or maybe it's those little knot bit from the end of a hot dog. You know that little full-skin knot thing at the end? You cut that off and you collect those and you dry those and you smoke enough of those. I do like the skin and the banana thing. If you kind of, like the skin, but the stringy thing. A lot of people tell you that's a myth. You smoke those things and get high.

It's because you're not smoking enough. Most people have not smoked enough. You got to do like maybe that's all you could do you don't need to mention any of the dmt and stuff like that right you just got to keep pushing through and then once you get there you'll get to the other side then you're in the banana plane yeah right and then you get to have a scene and see what it's like being high on bananas uh you know strings and then we can also have the line in there that like a lot of people tell you that's a myth but that's just a myth it's a double myth you know banana republic it's a real place i don't mean i don't mean i've been there i've been there and i don't know no that is a real place. I don't mean that one. It's two real places.

It's two real places. And then the guy gets high and we go to that place and it's just a banana republic. It's actually three real places. I don't know why that was the third place. But then once you get there, once you're in that place, you smoke a whole lot more.

Once you get to the other side, you smoke more. And then you come back, but it's a different place. Like you're in the same place, but you're in a different place. You just keep going to different banana republics. So that's the idea. Maybe you go there, like you go to the other side, right? But then this is one where you can't come back unless you smoke more banana skins like on the way back like that i feel that there's almost i know this

is a ridiculous thing what is there in this one alice there 16 part documentary series on hbo i just won't tell you what i think anymore I just won't tell you what I think anymore. I just won't tell you what I think. A cross-platform multimedia network. This used to be a safe place. It's going to be a hole. You know those dark web? Well, it's going to be banana web.

See, now that's an idea. Yellow web. It's just where you could go and buy bananas. And it's just photographs of bananas, articles about bananas. Okay, I'm actually really excited about the banana web, okay? It's nothing sinister. It's just an internet dedicated to bananas. Okay?

And I don't know if the police have had it brought to their attention and they just don't know what to do because it feels weird, but it's not illegal. Right? It feels like the sort of thing that we should be cracking down on, but nobody's doing anything wrong i'm just not comfortable with it okay banana web i'm writing it down banana web or possibly yellow net or yellow net oh yeah sorry i mean either is fine but i look i didn't hear everything you were saying just during that time,

but a place where there are no negative comments in the internet, below the line on a banana web video is... It's only people talking about how great... About how great bananas are or pictures of bananas, people enjoying bananas, people not being in any way sexual with bananas, people enjoying bananas, people not being in any way sexual with bananas. Yeah, no, that's really beautiful to me.

It's just, everyone's just commenting, fantastic banana video. I mean, that could look, you know, in the meantime, well, until we can create, until we even understand how to create a whole web. I don't understand how to create a web. It feels like it's creating a universe. Anyway, I guess you need to have your a web. It feels like it's creating a universe. Anyway, I guess you need to have your own browser. A banana browser of some sort.

But in the meantime, you could just create a web page which is called Banana Web or Yellow Net. And just, you know, you basically hold within it a microcosm of the internet. But not a microcosm, like an alternate microcosm of the internet uh but not a microcosm like an alternate yeah yeah do you think that the like it's a microcosm of the banana web either either it

could be also what yes indeed thank you uh it and like do we explore in this world, like, what happens if a troll does emerge on Banana Web? Maybe there are people who just praise the banana videos a little bit too highly, where the other people on the Banana Web start to feel like they don't mean it. Well, what I just, like, what I just pictured in my head was, like, a sort of, like, a 60 minutes report on the dark side of banana web. And what they have to do in order to keep banana web so pure. So pure, right. Okay, so there are people, like maybe there's farms of people working in the Philippines, like trawling the banana web, deleting all the negative comments.

Deleting everything. Nothing negative lasts more than a banana second, which is roughly 30 regular seconds. A banana second, we measure time in the amount of time it takes to bite and chew and swallow a standard mouthful of banana. That's a banana second that's good well then that's probably roughly about 12 seconds yeah yeah um because i mean it could start it could be a report going banana web or yellow net you know it's like like uh you know uh it's a it's a paradise on earth on the internet it was created to bring joy

into the hearts and minds of children and adults alike where anyone in the world can go and share their positive experiences memories and even dreams as long as they

relate to bananas and create new positive experiences yeah as long as they relate to bananas. Yeah. And create new positive experiences. Yeah. Yeah. But, Banana Web also has... Tonight we reveal... Yeah, we reveal that Banana Web

also has a dark side. Under the skin. Yeah. Like, the report itself has a name like that. Yeah. The Slippery... Pe Yeah. The Slippery... Peel. The Slippery Peel.

No, that doesn't really make sense. But, you know, you get the gist. You don't want to go too deep into these things. You don't want to go too deep into the banana web. I mean, you want to. Because that's when you get to that little brown lump at the end. And that is not... Man, so I've seen people eat it.

And I know it's going to be okay. Everybody's going to be okay. Everybody's going to be okay. I think, look, on Banana Web, there's a space where people can talk about that and how much they like that. I think throughout my life, the amount of buffer zone that I leave for that bit at the end is getting bigger.

I am so... It's been so long since i've accidentally eaten that little brown bit at the end i never want to have that experience again yeah so i'm now leaving more and more of the banana it'll get to the point where i just take one but you know one bite off the top and then just chuck the banana at a wall throw it all away um you know all it is is just a little bit more dense than the regular banana. Not into that. So if you're eating like a not very... No, it's got a weird flavor.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe there's a tiny bit more bitterness to it. I'll remember it having a weird flavor. Yeah, I don't know, man. Like, the flavor of banana is pretty overpowering. Like, unless you're just biting straight into skin. The whole banana does have a weird flavor. Like, there's nothing else that tastes like banana.

No. But there's also nothing that tastes like garlic. I mean, but I feel like onion and stuff are kind of like on the same scale. And like onion and ginger and stuff. And you're going to be like, okay, well, this is the kind of spicy root thing. I see what you're gonna be like okay well this is the sure kind of the the spicy root thing i see what you're doing here but banana like there's nothing andy what about a plantain that tastes nothing like a banana oh but have you ever had a rape a ripe ever had a ripe plantain well maybe not well i never have either but but i'm just assuming that somewhere along

the way this banana didn't emerge this banana plant didn't emerge spontaneously completely different from nature you just you're just ignorant to the banana family right i feel like man how about you spend on spend a bit more time on banana web and lighten up i don't think people would be allowed to talk about that little brown bit at the end of the banana on Banana Web because it would be deemed to be too negative. And that would be some of the stuff that would have to be filtered out in this Click Farms. Yeah.

I think that's good. Do you think we should wrap up? Oh. Yeah, look, I mean... We have five. I think it's probably a good idea. Yeah, I mean, do we want to put people through anymore? I think we had a lot of fun with the banana things.

We did, and so I'm glad we left it till the end. Yeah, I mean, you know, for anybody who stuck it out to the end, they kind of got, you know... Yeah. Look, you've tried to sing me out a few times now. Play you off. Yeah, play me off. All right. Oh, I forgot.

I haven't read out what the... Oh, you've got to read out what the things are. Man, we are... This podcast is an absolute mess, Alistair. We're playing you out before you've even read out the things. Oh, man, we are... This podcast is an absolute mess, Alistair. We're playing you out before you've even read out the things. Right. These are the clumps of your life, Leon. That's the first sketch.

It's a guy. It's like a 20 to 1 TV show where we're talking about... Going through... The 20 clumps. The 20 most meaningful clumps in his life. Leon, these are your clumps. Yeah, that is how you said it, but I just read it the wrong way.

Then we've got Combat Anecdotes, which is a guy who's strategizing and he's in a conversation, people are going to be telling anecdotes, and then you see the behind-the-scenes strategizing going on. He's pointing out other people who he can see is going to

be competition. He's deciding to get in who he can see is going to be competition. He's deciding to get in early with a sort of weaker story, coming back around at the end after everybody's told their stories and topping it with his best story. Combining stories, all that kind of stuff. I feel really bad now that if I had a go at this guy and maybe he just had really good anecdotes and I just felt competed with.

That's completely fine. Yeah, Andyy you're insecure that's fine it's okay and we're not going to attack you for that i mean you know that's only going to put more hate in the world yeah you're spewing out enough um thank you yeah no problem uh a society in which privilege is given to the exhausted uh So, yeah, or in which the exhausted are the most privileged. Yeah, we really pushed ourselves in terms of imagining alternate worlds in this episode. Absolutely. Like, you know, I think this one didn't really have that much momentum,

but I think that there was some good... Look, there's a couple of bloody good ideas here. A couple of bloody good ideas. And then we've got smoke banana strings until you get to the other side. There's things like, you know, people say that smoking that stuff is a myth, that you can smoke that.

Well, that's a myth. That's one of Andy's lines there. That's a joke. Yeah, and then you smoke until you get to the other side and that takes you to the Banana Republic. It's a real place. It's actually too real a place. And then the only way you can get back

is smoke your way back. Smoke your way back? It just, yeah, it feels fun. We're going to have to smoke him out. We're going to have to smoke ourselves out. Ourselves out. All right, and then we've got Banana Web slash Yellow Net.

And it's the happiest place that you can be in front of a computer. I think the challenge for us in filming and making that is to remove any sexual element from Banana Web. Absolutely. Because we've really made a rod for our own backs by choosing a very suggestive vegetable. I know, but that's how pure it is.

That's how pure a place it is, is that you can have the most suggestive thing and there is not a hint of sexuality in it. Beautiful. All the family. Family. Family. Family.

Family. Family. Family. Family. Family. Family. Family. Family.

Family. Family. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast everybody if you can bear to you can follow us on

Twitter I'm stupid old Andy and I'm Alistair TB and we're also at 2intank

2intank and if you you know would like to listen to one of the other episodes and rate that on iTunes yeah leave a comment. Maybe even the last one, Robo Hobo.

Robo Hobo. There's some real fun stuff in Robo Hobo. Some real fun stuff. And look, we got there with this. Oh, man. We got there. We got there. But this is the part of the creative process that can be fun, but it can also be difficult.

Anyway, I'm Alistair Trombley-Birchall. And I'm Andy. Good night. We love you. Love you. Good night. See you later. Have a good one.