Simple Swedish Podcast - 69 - "SOY BOY"

Episode Date: March 7, 2017

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This is reminding you that we're here to come up with five skits. Oh, pad! That's my only thing. You're setting everything up. I don't like. Let me remind you what the point of this show. Let me remind you what the point of this show. Meanwhile, where's my patch and... Anyway, just start recording already. I was born ready. You start again? Or are you happy with this intro? I didn't realize you'd click the start.

I got in there. I'm pretty happy with it. Wait. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, Hello and welcome to Two In The Thing Tank, the show where we try and come with my five sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

And I'm also Andy Try something a bit different To welcome to two andies in the thing tank in the thing tank Andy think tank You know like how in the Simpson's they had the no homers? No, what was that you know like? It was Homer wasn't allowed into a club Because it was called the no-homers club and then he would say but you've got Homer thing and you go yeah It's no-no-ho-merz

Like that so that we can have one Well, this is a thing. It's the Andy's think tank. We can't have less than two to less than two. I'll say yeah That's good. Yeah, Alistair. Yes, and... What about a sketch where there's noise-canceling headphones, right? But instead of canceling noise from outside your head, they cancel noise from inside your head, like you're in a monologue and self-doubt. I really like it, Andy.

Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't laugh, but it was because you mentioned it right before the podcast. But trust me, the excitement is there. It's just that right now, I didn't even let you finish your sentence. I was writing down. Righting down. Now, so there's that level of the idea,

just an advertisement or whatever for that. I just think it'd be great. There's the element in which maybe the universe is always constantly whispering fuck you in a really quiet voice that you can hear subliminally, but actually can't quite hear liminally. Liminally, yeah. And so it could maybe cancel that out as well. So when you put the headphones on, you're finally not feeling like you're being insulted by the universe.

Yeah, so that is a reference to how I was mentioning that when you put on noise-canceling headphones, good ones, it's just something inside. You just melt and you go, wow, it just makes a bit of a stress that you didn't even know was there. And Andy was suggesting that that could just be because it makes the universe's

whispering to you a fuck you. You're listening to In The Think Tank, the show where we describe five sketch ideas we've already come up with before the podcast to you. To be honest, that's a thing that I think more people would be more interested in. I think when you tell people we come up with five sketch ideas they go, well that's something I don't think I would like to listen to but Then at least you're telling people about the podcast. That's the thing is I'm spreading the word Yeah, no word out there about the about the good pod

Hey, I'm a mission in the word of pod. Yeah, the word of pod Yeah, and then oh yeah with the noise canceling headphones For inside your head the noise inside your head. I think it would be fun to go to the to go to the labs where they work it out Oh sad labs And it could be sad it could be set in sad labs. I do think that there's a whole series that could be said said labs Although this is a whole episode. And that's not really sad labs kind of This is like a whole episode. It makes people happy.

And that's not really sad labs kind of. Yeah, but they could discover it by accident while trying to find a way to make people sad. Well, maybe we're going to a company that makes money off of the back of the sad labs research. Yeah, okay. So I think like some of the fun stuff that could be in there is like,

so a lot of noise canceling technology works by, you know, it takes in the atmospheric sound and then it sends out a signal that is equal and opposite. To the inverse. Yeah. To cancel the waveform. So for example, come over to this recording booth over here. Now, you see that man, obviously you can't hear anything

at the moment because he's behind a soundproof glass, but the man who looks like he's a screaming bloody murder the top of his lungs, well that is for people who have a scream in their head and endless scream. And so what he actually has there is the equal and opposite scream than what many, what we find, our research has found is the average inner mind scream. So the cancellation of that scream that's inside your head is actually being done in real

time by a man trained in inverse screaming. At the moment this is where. And then that's streamed directly to your head phone. Yeah, that's how we get the responsive thing. Computers can actually develop these subconscious waveforms. Yeah, at the... If we can tap it to somebody who's truly insane, but also extroverted and an inverted, the invert of an extrovert.

Sometimes what we can do as well, is we can connect two people who are trying to silence the screams in their heads and just find two people who have the inverse screams or just out of phase with each other by half a wavelength. Right, yeah. Or let's say somebody has kind of a like a scream that is like a fuck. And then you get somebody else who's got a scream that is like a shiiit. Sometimes those are close enough yeah in essence that that they they might not completely eliminated

But they at least muffled yeah, they they modify. Yeah, they're really right. I'm really you're right Sometimes, you know like just just the way that the waves that the waveforms kind of interact it kind of creates a just a need of beat yeah So instead of kind of creates a just a needle beat. A cool beat. Yeah. So instead of f**king it like a... Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-b than being insane. I mean, the problem is that a lot of people then get driven mad by that sound. But changes as good as a holiday. But mad as a fresh madness. Yeah, like it doesn't matter. The thing is that you're curing the screamer, which is all we ever said we could do. What about the headphones that they put on you? If they want to cancel the inner, you're in a doubt or whatever it is. It's just normal headphones that they've just got to put them inside your skull. So they just have to cut open your head and sort of clear out some space and put the headphones inside.

Okay. And that removes doubt? Yeah. Inside Okay, and that removes doubt. Yeah Oh, no, we don't play any sound with or anything like that We just find that having headphones inside your head Actually just removes doubt so I'm not sure if it's because we remove a part of the brain that is actually Relevant to doubt at the moment. We don't want to question it really the thing is that it's working I mean, I wasn't really sure about this procedure until I had it done and now I'm convinced. In fact, you could say I have no doubt it works.

About anything. Yeah, that's good. No, it's weird. I can't be so gross seeing them carving out big headphone sized holes in this side of people's skulls. Well, yeah, but we would definitely have to show it all. Yeah. Well, I don't think you can do something like that and not show it.

No, you're right, absolutely. I mean, what's the point? If you're making a comedy sketch, why focus on the comedy part of it when you absolutely should be focusing on the gore? The gruesome horror of poorly thought out surgery. I had one other idea. Oh yeah, what about a way?

Because, you know, there's your mind's eye, so there's also got to be your mind's ear. And it's good. And, you know, if they find the part in the brain that is the mind's ear, if there was a way of sort of blocking that ear, maybe putting in some minds wax, ear wax. Minds, muffs. Minds muffs, yeah. But obviously there's the mind's muff already,

but you want the mind's ear muffs. Because you've got a whole mind's body inside your mind. Yeah, you do. Including your mind's mouth. Including your mind's mouth. Well, when people call something a mind fuck, where do you think it's going? It's happening in one of your mind holes.

All mind dick, which has a hole I wasn't being stupid I know what I was saying Yeah, then'll all look. Oh, it's got off the rails really early, except. Yeah, I think the concept of the mind's ear is inherent in that sketch. It's good to get that explicit there. Oh, yeah. But the mind's ear is going to be relevant to the, you know, in a voice canceling their phones.

I mean, I would love if this, sorry, you had a finish. No, no, no, no. Okay, I would love if this started as a inner, like, you know, a noise canceling, inner mind kind of sketch. And then somehow it did go way off on a tangent about the inner body, like the inner mind's body.

Well, we bought, because you are referring to the previous sketch that we came up with. We're every part of the body, as a body, right? Well, I know in part that there's an essence to it that is the same, but this is connected to a real phenomena, which is the mind's eye, and extrapolating on that. So it's not necessarily exactly the same. I think if you did both these sketches in the same series or episode, people would notice some similarities. Yeah, that doesn't, well, I mean, that's great.

That allows you to connect them and allows the head of the face part, which is from about two, three episodes ago. That allows that to be a step up in exaggeration of the other minds, I think. Right. So we're building on that. Andy, like you know, eventually my plan is to have a whole channel dedicated to this,

just this idea. Just this idea, each idea is a channel. Yeah, so this will be... Oh, okay. Let's just, let's just... Let's just leave the people, creatives, just exploring it in every possible angle. I mean, when I started out in comedy,

it was there. One of my, one of the things that I said is great is when you can take an idea and look at it from every angle and get every bit of comedy out of it that's possible. And I think I might have lost sight of that somewhere along the way, but you, Alistair, have the courage to pursue it relentlessly. I mean, you're actually making me feel like right now, like I should attempt that. I should attempt, I should attempt a show that is an hour, that is one idea. Yeah, okay. Looked at from every angle.

I feel like I've seen almost Paul foot do that. Like in his show when he kept talking about Clydesdails. No, no, it was a shy or a shy horses. Yeah. But that is essential. That is about a 12 or 13 minute bit. Yeah. And it almost broke me. But that is essential. That is about a 12 or 13 minute bit. Yeah, and it almost broke me. So if you can do it. But I mean he was talking about fates and things like that.

In the end, it's not even really that much about Shirehors. Like in the end, like so he talks about the fady, describes all the things that the fait. Like this is how I've described to somebody his, I think that what he does is different to what other people do in that his bits are tabloes. That's great. Yeah, he makes a hole like, you know, like that big Picasso, the Gera one. Gernica? Exactly. Yeah. I think that that's that's stand-up skernica and it look it's just as just as heroin they both have a horse in them I don't know what kind of horse and just

as much in here in human suffering anyway I love that bit I I you know and you don't have to say that you love it. You just said you suffered and it broke you you can't but even though I think I showed you that album I later on after you I think I realized it I revisited it with a fresh mind with a bit more in a strength great now This has been saved in case Paul foot ever listens to the podcast. That's right. That's so good. We've redeemed it In his eyes is there a sketch in and worrying that a famous person will hear something that you say about them? Well, I've probably mentioned on the podcast before, but you know, about that many of my decisions

are sort of part of my mental background calculations are what will this mean for my future political career. Oh, yeah, of course. And, and I think in my mind, I am still juggling and I haven't quite given up on the possibility that I could either be a fantastic tennis player. Really? Yeah, or maybe a chess genius. Right.

And there's almost no field of endeavor that I can't witness someone be really, really good at. Or I can't somehow convince myself that I might have a future in it. Yeah, I just considered within the last three hours that I could maybe make it onto the national soccer team. I mean, because I've never tried, I've never tried. I've never tried.

No, but Chess looks like something that would be up your alley. Yeah. You've got glasses. And absolutely. So in that way, I'm already on a head. Yeah. But, but, you know, especially for something like soccer, right? That feels even more achievable in a way, because these soccer players, their bodies wear out.

That's why their careers are over by the time they're our age. But the fact that we haven't done any exertion. We've kept it in pristine conditions. Our body is mint. So if we were to start even showing an interest in soccer now, well, that would be the equivalent of these people who start when they're 12 or something like that, and then head hunted and scoured for a junior team by the time they're 13, and train, and train,

and train, and then the career's over by 30, if they're lucky. If they're lucky, probably 28. I have not tapped any of the soccer muscles there. No, they're beautiful. Yeah, they've been maturing like a fine meat. And... And...

And... And while my mind... But now I'm also an adult. So I have the sort of the awareness and the self-discipline of an adult. Absolutely. So if I was... Is that stutter or the worst in the self-discipline of a kid? I'm going to say better.

Great. That's good. And so if I were to start now, I think I would probably get good at it probably much faster than one of these kids. And then maybe I would make better decisions with my career and preserving my body. I might have a really lengthy career. I could go into level 60. Yeah, I mean, I know you're talking about

it's going for a long time, so the career is bound to. Yeah. So I would say so, yeah. So do you think that in anywhere in there that there is a sketch within this? Well, I think an institute, like the Australian football institute, or the Australian sports institute. What's the Australian Football Institute, or the Australian Sports Institute,

what's the Australian Institute of Sport? Yeah. Right? It's been, you know, they always focus on finding young talent. Right? They scout the local teams and that sort of thing. But these kids, you know, some of them have already been playing for a few years. So their bodies already started to wear out. Yeah. You know, what you really want already been playing for a few years. So their body's already started to wear out.

You know, what you really want is someone whose body hasn't, whose, whose never played the sport, so that they can have the lengthiest possible career. Yeah, and somebody who's coming at it from a different angle, like they've sort of had a life. A lot of them are playing soccer about soccer. Like a mature age student. Yeah. Who playing soccer about soccer.

So these are the young kids who only have soccer. They're all in soccer, yeah. Exactly, right? But you know, this... You've been a carpenter who's been swinging a hammer for 15, 17 years. He's gonna come at that. He looks at the ball like it's a nail.

Yeah. All these kids have been looking at the ball like it's a nail. Yeah. All these kids have been looking at the ball like it's a ball. Yeah. And so. He's kicking down onto the top of the ball. Yeah. I've never seen that done. It's nothing done.

He swings his leg up, brings it down. He'll first onto the top of the ball. This is an entirely new approach. Yeah, nobody can predict where it's gonna go including the man. Sometimes it goes somewhere really good. And so yeah, so I think that that like the Australian Institute of Sport broadening their recruiting. Yeah, it's definitely one guy's idea there who's like, no, I think we should get some older players. Yeah, it's like a mature age student. You know, a lot of them, they come back to university.

A lot of them are very focused. I mean, they're quite annoying, but a mature age... Can I let the podcast... Rejunist. That when you were at uni, that one of the annoying mature age students that was in your class was Julie and Assange. That is correct. Yeah. Just so there were drip feeding a bit of information for more lives every now and then.

I was in Julie and Assange's physics class and he sat down the front and had weird gray hair and he asked, I don't know, lots of questions and taught strangers like that guy's weird and history has borne me out to be correct. I've been vindicated. I wonder if he asks boring questions in the Ecuadorian essay. Sit still the front with his gray hair. Um, so, um, recruiting. See, there was something in that, Alistair. Yeah, absolutely. I look, I knew there was.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it all felt like comedy. It's just whether or not it just didn't sound like No, whether or not it would settle down. I apologize for what I said about it going on for a long time It's just it I was more of a reference to you know, it's so rare that I see you be passionate about something Well, and one thing that you are passionate about is my future So all the things that you could potentially be doing if you if you just if I was passionate about the yeah if I gave a shit see that's the barrier

that I that's what I think you know that is the barrier that is all that stands between me and a glorious soccer career is not really wanting one but actually is that a thing that we've talked about that is that a sketch that we came up with the idea of a gym that you need to go to to build up the mental will to go to the gym? I think we've talked about that on the podcast. That half the work is in getting to the gym. Yeah.

So halfway to the gym, there's another gym that helps you get the end. Look, I don't know if we did come up with that. Well, if you could put that down as a 2B. Okay, yeah, 2B. And, you know, if, yeah, but it would have to be some sort of mental, mental gym, you know, because, you know, it's getting off the couch. It's, it's signing

up for the gym classes. It's a, you know, it's a, it's a personal trainer who sits there and yells at you while you fill out the form for a gym membership and to make it all the way to the end. God knows, if that form was more than two pages, there was no way that I would ever get all the way to the end of applying for a gym membership. And you haven't, right? And yet I haven't. Have you ever had a gym membership? No.

Yeah, that's great. I think that's the best. I don't understand why people need to go to the gym. I think there are probably some people who still have a gym membership from 20, 30 years ago. And they're still paying for it. It's amazing. GIMS. GIMS. Ah, that makes so much money somehow. I imagine. I don't know. But it's a brilliant business model, right? It's because what it is is if you stop paying the money, you're admitting failure, right? Like all you do is you, is you, is you,

they've developed a system whereby they, I've convinced you that in order to not be a failure, you have to keep paying the money. Yeah. Oh, I bet you if you call up to try to cancel, they give you a hard time. Oh yeah, yeah, no, there'd be all sorts of barriers and that sort of thing.

And they'd be, you know, recruiting officers somehow convinced you to also sign up for the swimming and membership. I reckon there would be a thing within that, which is the worst thing in existence. No, not genocide. Worse. Come on.

Having to print out sign and then scan a document. It's the ultimate barrier. The ultimate barrier to getting anything done. You go, well, I guess I don't want to work for this company. That's why the Japanese took so long to surrender in World War II. Because they sent them the document. They sent the document as a PDF and the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document.

They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document.

They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document.

They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. They sent them the document. I think every company that makes PDF software that doesn't have electronics signing built in within it should have their offices bombed. Like a campaign of terror. Like I apologize and I would never call for violence. So you're talking about fight club, right? But the scene at the end, instead of it all being all the credit card companies that are being destroyed, it's all the corporations who created PDF software where you can't sign electronically. Yeah, maybe it's a guy

who's just stopped working at one of these companies. So this is the guy's point of view that we're seeing this from. And there's a bunch of attacks going around that are targeting these people for not having an electronic signing thing. And then, and he's devastated because he knows people who work in that field, not like that stuff, and nobody else in the world cares. Like it's about them dying about these people dying because they're like, well, in a way, it's about them dying about these people dying because they're like well in a way It's kind of makes sense like you know like it is kind of a bad any kind of he tries to argue about house like It's actually a very difficult technology to implement and you know like You know you know Adobe has a proprietary

Encoding system, but you know this portable document format and we've got to go to them We've got to get access to and we've got to get access to that and we've got to pay royalties. Yeah, you can't and then as I go well to be honest yeah, whatever company does it, it's just this is that is the worst thing in the world and they never want to have to print out a document. Scan it. Yeah, I had it had an inkling of a little edge of something for that and it's just totally slipped away.

It was just hypnotic watching your mouth move. Yeah, yeah, got lost in it. Thank you. But I think that's something. Do you think there's a sketch in that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sort of, yeah, campaign of terror against these people. Like, I mean, what do we compare this to?

What's the analogy for the fact that these people are suffering and nobody cares? I want to compare it to, like, out the way that we're ignoring the plight of, I don't know, refugees or something like that, but that you can't do that without trivializing a genuine thing. But if there was something else, I know if we could compare it to leprosy or polio or something that's been gone for long enough that all the people who died horribly from it have faded from our memories. Yeah, let's see. Making fun of old people becoming irrelevant is still kind of okay. That's true.

Yeah, but... What do you think of this, Elishtia? Yeah, but yeah, I'm sorry, go. This is a different thing. Oh, correct. It's about like when you're out with an elderly relative. Yeah. Right.

And they... And you're out with an elderly relative, right? And they, and there's, you're like, you're at a restaurant. And the waiter kind of does a little joke with the elderly relative, does a little bit of flirting or something with the elderly relative. We all laugh. We all laugh, I think that's so funny, because we all know that there's no way they would ever actually find an old person attractive because they're so disgusting and old and it's so funny that they would ever pretend to find this person interesting or attractive. They go, I swear to God. Yeah, exactly.

I was good to know. Look at you. What is it? You're 21st birthday or something like that. Imagine if I actually thought you were worth something, but I don't, you're disgusting because you're old. Oh, I find it. And then all the relatives, they also laugh because they're like, yeah, it is funny because

he is old and disgusting. Yeah, we're not there yet. We'll get there. We're right now. We're not so funny that he's old, roast. She's repulsive. She's kind of,. She's repulsive. She's kind of, we're all repulsive.

We're just laughing so that we don't feel the repulsion. Is that, is that, yeah. I think there is something there. How do you turn that into a sketch? Do you sort of hear the inside of the, well, you know, you could pause the moment and hear the, you know, monologues of everyone talking about. That's a home-stopping.

That was very good. Wasn't as good. No, that was actually if anything better. I think if you ever developed the superpower to stop time. Yeah, to stop time. That's the sound I should make when I do it. Yeah. I feel like maybe time has stopped. That's how I'm doing this.

That would be good. Yeah. You could do that in a crowded place. Everyone would just pause in place because just because it's like when Michael Winslow in the police academy did that machine gun sound and everyone dropped to the ground. Like that. Everyone would just assume time had been stopped, so they would freeze on the spot. Yeah, I think Michael Winslow's drinking like a soft drink sound and his burp was not

very good. Really? I remember thinking about it during the time I was like, that doesn't sound like whatever he's trying to do. That's crazy because both of those things are actually sounds that you make with your mouth. Well, you know, but also a straw and like ice and things like that. Yeah. Like the burping definitely is, but the burping comes from a very different place because you're trying to go like, bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-bar- Right, so he wasn't actually burping. No, no, no, no, he could have just been burping. But he's a purest.

He's a bloody purest. You know, he sticks to it. So time stops and we hear inside the minds of everyone. Is that enough of a thing to give to something, to make it a sketch? Yeah, I think that there's a good scenario here. But like, yeah, is it, we just hear people's minds, but then where does it go? Indeed. Well, I think ultimately we could wind up in the mind of the old person. Is there a way that they have access to a time travel device?

access to a time travel device. So that they can stop time. So that they can go back and then relive it and then they can act differently after they've had the thoughts. No, I don't know. Or they, it happens, right? The little, what's that called condescending comment? Yeah. Yeah. The little what's that called condescending comment? Yeah, yeah, and then patronizing yeah, and they they as a group discuss it Yeah, yeah, well, so we wouldn't even have to freeze time right they just sort of laughing and talking about it as they're laughing Yeah, they could even go see that's funny Nana because you don't look 21 You know they're kind of giving each other shit. Yeah, well mostly her and And then when the the waiter comes back And he says Hi, I am Kendra Adachi and I host the lazy genius podcast a lazy genius principle is to decide once

And I have done that by deciding that all of in June is my go-to brand for ad home mayonnaise. I don't like to waste time and the Olive and June mayonnaise system has everything you need and nothing you don't, all with gorgeous polishes that don't ship. Visit oliveandjune.com slash perfectmanny20 for 20% off your first Olive and June system. That's oliveandjune.com slash perfectm-0 for 20% off your first olive and June system Something else she just goes fuck you Yeah, listen here your little shit like an NG. Maybe she gives him some kind of Some kind of reverse. Oh, she just stabs him in the gut.

Oh, you think so? Maybe he also worked for a company that made PDF software that came along to the electric and wood Chinese design. And I say, it's okay, everyone. He worked for the normal signable PDF software. Manufacturing. He was making us all print, sign, and scan documents. While also being a waiter. His startup hadn't quite

kicked off yet but the the software wasn't going to allow you to electronically sign. He was basically just trying to get a share of the Adobe PDF market which really would have just relied on ad money, which that is another annoying thing with that ad. Yep, yep. Another free PDF signing PDF software that's all ads. That's all ads on it and stuff. That's all ads. Killed.

I mean, to be honest, that doesn't bother me when it means I don't have to pay that much, but it doesn't help. Doesn't make me feel any better. Yeah. All right. I don't think I necessarily took that to a great place, but. It's fine.

I took it to a place. You took it to a place. You took it to deep into the woods. Is there a sketch to be had somehow from the preponderance of free software that is based on advertising, right? Whether the business model is, well, you know, you get the software for free and then we just put a little strip down the side which has ads for things that people would never probably use.

Like all the internet ads, just terrible, terrible products and things that it clearly scams. Like a jerky belt? Or... I'm sorry? Like a belt that's made out of jerky? What's that got to do with anything I just said? Well, I thought you said products and nobody would use it.

Hahaha. Or were you talking about like products that help people? No, no, I mean, I want to hear more about this jerky belt. Because in a way, the belt is probably the closest item of clothing to jerky already. The belt because it's made of leather? Yeah, and it's a strip, it's a brown strip. Yeah, so you could still use a leathersmith. Right.

But you just get them to, instead of giving them the height of an animal, you give him the side, like, you know, the inside. Yep. A meat-shape. A dried strip. Yeah, well, it's not dry yet, I don't think. I think he's, you know, just kind of cutting a bit of meat

into a nice belt size, but much bigger than a needs. And then he dries it out and sort of, yeah, it shrinks down. And it shrinks down and then he kind of just, you know, he softens the meat, I suppose, by massaging it in some way. Yeah, I'm with oils. Oils and different things like that.

But also oils that would flavor the belt. Yeah, yeah, of course. And you know, punch as the holes and he screws on the buckle and... Yeah, screws on the buckle. You know what this is? This is like the adult version of... Remember when you were a kid and you would get those wristband little bracelets that were lollies on a elastic?

Yeah. I think it's the same corporation that makes that stuff. Also, it does a line of things for adults, including the jerky belt. The jerky belt. I guess they would probably be the people who make the nacho hats. Yeah. You know, nacho hats, that was us. We do all the wearable food except for edible underwear.

I the nacho. It's disgusting. I'll never do that. Bastardization. Everything we would ever stay in for. Down there near your mouth. It's a taco hat. So what you said, a taco? Well, nacho hat. Nacho hat is the hat itself actually made from,

I think the corn chips. I'm not sure if it was just a thing that existed in the Sipsons. Right. But then I did see on the internet, somebody made one that was like that. And in the Simpsons Homer broke off the nacho cheat like the corn chips and then he would dip it into the top

of the hat where there's like a liquid cheese above your head a hot liquid cheese. So that you have to stay perfectly still. Be great for your deportment. That's right. I think the wearable food company and, maybe they do also make the edible underwear, and they're trying to, maybe their problem is when people think of wear edible food for adults, everyone always thinks of the edible underwear, but that's only a small part. What would it just that?

Well, much more than that. My brother, Sam, he came up with that. But look at what I, that's the only thing you ever contributed to the company. It's all anybody knows about it. I hate it. To be honest, he doesn't even try. He just got lucky that one time. When he spilled a whole lot of chocolate sauce down his own page and licked it off. You know, at the beginning of the lock, that happens in business as well. My God, brother, he's sitting on his money. He is edible under way. Yeah, I mean, like other kind of things,

like they have something like a fairy floss shimmies. Yeah. Maybe a... Or a polar flace, maybe. A polar flace? Or about one of those puffer jackets. We're all the puffy stuff inside, it's all fairy floss. Yeah.

So we accidentally go near a fire and an ember goes on your puffer jacket and you get one of those holes and the fluff starts to come out. It's fairy floss. It's very flustered. It's very flustered. You actually really excited. So you're not so annoyed anymore about the hole in your puffer jacket. What about? Of course in a whole lot of ants get in there.

That is the problem with a lot of the food. A lot of the edible food is the fact that you're very susceptible to ant attacks. Jaydenk is a sketch that ants would like. Okay. Okay. Um, like so in the end it's just, they had, they get taken down because the company just can't handle all, like just the influx of lawsuits from people who've been attacked by ants. What are you expecting when you wore a ham shoot? I mean yeah like even like a like a like a like a like a like a shoe that is a full picnic you know so it's got like the bottom of the shoe is a picnic blanket. Yes

Yes, and then the and then obviously like the bottom part is sort of looks like a picnic bank Picnic baskets that are sitting on the And then Your leg like your ankle that comes out is actually made of baguette So this is for people who don't like missing a leg. Right, it's like a prosthetic, but it's edible. Yeah, edible prosthetics, but then also within the meal you'll be missing a leg again. Yeah, but you got the food which is which is partially cheese and sort of sausage. So I think I think the toes are like a little sausage. Yeah, little sausages are frankfords and things like that. Maybe different cured meats.

Yeah. You know, I guess like the heel is probably a hard cheese, whereas in the bowl of the foot, you kind of have a couple of soft cheeses, and then the one, the... Well, the heel would be one of those nodules of mozzarella that you get. You know, there's big round ones,

like a little snowman. Yeah, buffalo mozzarella. Buffalo mozzarella. you get. There's big round ones, like little snowman. Yeah, buffalo. Buffalo mozzarella. Buffalo mozzarella. What we're doing here is we're almost sort of creating an edible man. For like cannibals. Yeah.

We're trying to like wean themselves off or something. It's like the nicorette of, or the, you know, the vaping of cannibalism. That's a great way for them to advertise themselves. Yeah. You know, because I mean cannibalism, you know, there's been movies where people have sympathized with pedophiles, say, you know, like they've written into the script, they've humanized the pedophile, and then they've made the audience

sympathize with the pedophile. But that hasn't happened, I don't think yet with a cannibal. A cannibal? I think Drew Barrymore might have a new... A TV show where you sympathize with them. Yeah, with a cannibal. I guess in a way I felt kind of bad for Anthony Hopkins.

He seemed in a silence of the world. Did you really? I mean, you know, stuck in that cage. He stuck in that cage. You know, he had that weird thing when he talked where he went, you go, oh, that's probably, you got teased for that. Yeah, it's going to put up a barrier between you and society. Yeah, you know, that's probably why you get so angry with people that you started eating them. Well, when you cut that guy's face off and wore it down the elevator, I mean, you know, an oomps. And who eats fava beans?

That's true. I forgot what the sketch we were talking about earlier. Do yourself a fava. The only available food company. We're still there. Yeah, the available food company. And then you got the pseudo cannibalism or the... Yeah, is that part of the same one?

I think it might be a different thing. You think so? Yeah because one of them's close and one of them's the the body itself. And with the wearable clothes, the edible clothes and the wearable food, maybe there's also a wearable food company. The wearable food. Yeah, so wear wear edible clothes, but they're more a wearable food. Yeah. You know, a wearable food would just be like a, you know, a melon, a hollowed out melon that you can put on your head. All right, so it's like, it's, they're not pretend like they're functional in terms of clothes, but they're not pretending to be clothes.

No, no, and they're they're not pretending to be clothes. No, no. And they're also not really intended to be eaten. No, right. Yeah, right, okay. They just happen to be. Yeah, so these are clothes, like, yeah, these are... You just hollow out a loaf of bread that's a shoe. Yeah, right.

But you're not gonna eat it. No, no, no, no. But you know, you take some penne, and you put them on your fingers, in case it's cold outside. You know, some bow tie past, oh, some lasagna sort of, a lot of lasagna, cooked slice and make the rest of the glove out of that. Yeah, bow tie pasta, maybe you could wear that. As a jacket. As a jacket.

If we make it big enough, bend it around, change the shape and put some holes in it, get yourself a vest. I reckon if you bent it around, like if you had a single one you could make something that looked a little bit like a wedding ring. There you go. You got it. It's not too bad. But wait, so is this a separate idea?

Well, I think maybe within the, if we've got the company who are making edible clothing, maybe their rivals are at the friarable food. Yeah, or it's another, okay, yeah, maybe it could be their rivals. And then there, and then there's another division within the company, you think. Well, it could be another division, or if it is a rival and then they, like they go and maybe they kind of go spy on them,

I don't know how we're fitting this in. We'll have to make a whole series. No, but I just, I like the picture. So wait, what do you call it? Because wait, this is the wearable food company is the first one, right? No, that's the edible clothing company. Edible clothing, sorry, okay.

Because it's edible underwear. It's underwear, but you need it. Which, by the way, what do they make edible underwear out of? I've always pictured it's the same stuff that you used to make a roll up. Yeah, the way I picture it, in my mind it kind of is like a roll up, but it's made out of more like sort of a durable fairy floss. Durable fairy floss.

Yeah, sort of you know like fairy floss if it touches your tongue and just kind of melts in the music. Melt away. But I picture this kind of... So you could wear it for a couple of hours maybe. Yeah, I think so. I mean, it should be... It should have a durability within it. You don't want it to just fall off straight away.

So what I was picturing with this wearable food company was that they see it themselves more as a fashion company. So they're more of a fashion label whereas these guys are more about the the edibility of the food. Right. Right. Yeah. And so I do like the idea of going and showing up in there like to their offices or something that just spying on them and there's like a fashion show on. And so these people going down the catwalk wearing the outfits. Yeah. Big lows of bread on their face. Yeah. I'll keep coming back to it because I think

it would be really funny. Yeah, that's the same Simmons idea. Is it? Yeah. Well, there you go. That proves it. Yeah, it's really funny. It's really funny. Very award-winning. Yeah. I mean Lady Gaga did where a dress made out of mate. Sure. Yeah. But you know, look, we're going more creative than that. Yeah. Tofu, like a tofu robot, you know, that's, that's the will be it. Like, you know, those big blocks of like good, not silken tofu. You're not going to wear that for very long.

You need a good firm tofu, right? With the skin outside that's kind of been cooked a little bit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Deep fried. And get that. You can wear those like sleeves. Maybe one over your head, hollow it out, get some little robot knobs on there. Okay, get them walking down the aisle. Those robot knobs, those could be slashes of cucumber. Yeah, there could be cucumber, there could be, you know, baby carrots, baby corn.

Yeah. It could be the tips off of all the vegetables that you don't want. There you go. Yeah. I keep forgetting everything I'm gonna say, Alistair. That's okay. I'm too engaged to your conversation. You're flawed, you're a flawed man.

I'm a flawed human being. Yeah, but that's okay. We are on six and a half sketches. And we are at 45 minutes. So I think this is technically. I mean I wanted something big. I didn't want a big closer. Yeah. We do yeah we do find we do tend to find things while we're wrapping up. Okay well let's wrap up and see if we find anything wrong. I mean we could go in deeper into. I don't think going into it. I just had an idea because the idea one thing would be with the pseudo

cannibalism yes is that Because it's nica rats for cannibals right so yes this company probably would work one on one with these guys Or maybe like you know, maybe two consultants would be or maybe two consultants would be assigned to a cannibal, because it's a very specific thing. You want a cater to their needs. What is it that you like about human flesh that we can make sure that you have within your, is that the gaming-ness, because then we'll probably

work in a bit more venison and some nice tomato sauces and things like that. Is it almost like a weight watcher thing kind of then? Whether it's like a point system and you get a certain number of points per day which I allocated to eating different parts of the human body. Yeah, yeah. And you know, you just try and bring that down to zero over time. Yeah and it's hard to sort of, it's hard to count all the parts that you're, that are not human that you've eaten today.

But I like the unsettledness that the other people in the consultants would have when they're interviewing a cannibal who eats people. Yep. Yep, there's always a slight tension in the interview. Yeah, I hate it like that. So you just see these two guys talking right before going into the interview Yeah, it's just like like oh, it's the one thing about this that I haven't been able to shake yet It's just the unsettledness that I feel try to be cool in there, you know, yeah, but they just

None of them are just like act just like normal people. They always have it. Yeah, just like that like a stare that just lasts a little bit too long. Like they're seducing you, but for your meat. Is there a, maybe like, could there be like, if we imagine the world in which cannibalism hadn't been become taboo earlier, what if it like smoking, we'd only started to wise up to the dangers of cannibalism in like the 50s and 60s, right? And then there was like,

you know, there'd be media campaigns and that sort of thing and there'd be like, you know, quit services and there's ads that are like, you know, the stop-spoken ads where they had those like cheerleaders who are helping you to like give up and not have that cigarette, right? There's that same kind of social push to eliminate cannibalism. Yeah well. And they're really being ostracized by society. Yeah I think now you've got yourself a satire about ending people stopping eating meat. Yes.

Right but then you just get trying to get people to stop eating human meat. Human meat. Yeah and I think that that's my there's a bloody film in that. Right. That's all I wanted. Yeah. I like that. Look, it's not, we're not in a place where it's huge in terms of laughs yet.

But a few big closer. But a government quit cannibalism. Yeah, campaign is good. The way in which we, I think we could pretty easily set that up with some interviews or something up the top about cannibalism, interview with the cannibal, that sort of thing. Yeah, and it also has parallels with ending sort of, you know, like dealing with the gun lobby, because it's a group of people who very much, if you are against them, can very much attack and kill you

and get rid of you very easily, because they're the kind of people who go. Maybe there's a big cannibal lobby, like there's just lots of money behind cannibalism for some reason. They've got one of the most powerful lobby groups in Cameron. That's why nothing ever gets done about banning cannibalism. That's right. Let's write this one by the end of the year.

We're trying to like, yeah, okay, great. All right, we will. All right, good. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm starting it now. Oh my God. Page one.

No, okay. I'll start at the end. Same one. And so cannibalism ended. And it was good. They said at that one point they're like, we've already given into your demands that we only eat foreign people.

What more do you want now? We can't eat people in the workplace. We can't eat people in pubs. Everyone has to huddle down in the cannibalism shelter at the end of the street. Yeah. You know that the the people that you're eating actually aren't free range. Yeah. Yeah. I think not all right. Let's do it. And I'll see you at the end of the year with the with the complete script. We'll meet back here. Meet back here, man. A full moon. Mate. All right. So noise canceling headphones for inside your head.

Right. We've already got that. Boom. That was, we came in with that. That was done five minutes before the episode started. Prepare it earlier. Yeah. Recruiting soccer players for a wider age range.

So you're talking about how, you know, you're at the AIS, your recruiter, you're saying, hey, look, all these kids, their bodies are wearing out by 30. There's a lot of 32, 33-year-olds whose bodies are still in pristine condition. Exactly. Who could probably learn to be, you know, a lot of kids only been playing soccer since they're 10. They're on this team when they're 16. That's only six years.

These adults. What do they know about the world? What do they know about the world? Nothing, yeah, they. They're all taking, coming at it from the same angle. Right. The front.

The front. That's great, that's good way. Now we've got this half sketch, which is a gym that works out the muscles that get you to. I'm sure we've already come up with that. Get a baffling couch to go to the gym. That's possible. I think any, any sketch that was come up

with more than 50 episodes ago. It's fair game. Yeah, it's fair game. Yeah, it takes a rant. Bomings, there's there's bombings of companies happening shocked that nobody seems to be bothered by it and it's because the worst thing that could happen in the world is when somebody asks you to print out a document and sign it and then scan it. Maybe it's almost like a like that to bring it back to a smoking kind of a thing. There was a movie, I think it was a Russell Crowe movie called The Insider, which I don't really remember the details of it but he was like a whistleblower against a cigarette company about how they knew about cigarettes and cancer early on and they sort of hushed it up, right? And maybe we could get a whistleblower from inside one of these PDF companies talking about

how they know how to implement this functionality and they're choosing not to. Yeah, like they knew really early on that the most annoying thing in the world would be. Exactly. Yeah, would be printing, signing and scanning, but they didn't do anything about it. They didn't care. They laughed. Yeah, they laughed. They said, I told them people are gonna want this and they said well

They can print it out and scan it back in again I said that's crazy They told me to shut up. They told me shut and they fired me Find me and they said if I never said anything to anybody they murdered my family Anyway, I did and they murdered my family so now you know, no, I don't have any baggage at least I'm free. I'm free. Single again.

Single again, it's actually great. Not like, I mean, obviously there's the sadness, but you know, dating really takes your mind off of it. These head finds really cancel out that. Anyway, I've started going to a gym that allows me to. OK, then there's a waiter that condescends to a Nana by saying that she looks 21 and he's flirting with her and stuff. And then everybody teases the Nana because it means that they think that's because they

think she's cool. I wanted her to get her own back at the end. So obviously she gets her own back. These are the she swears or she murders. There's a lot of murder in these sketches at the moment, but that's cool. Then there's the wearable food company versus the edible clothing company. And then there's, I mean, mostly we're looking at the edible clothing company, but then later on we find out about the rifles, the wearable food company.

I mean, you know, there is a version of this in which we see the history of the edible clothing company where they started out more in wearable food, so they started out just hollowing out a watermelon, putting it on their head. Then through sophistication over time, it's almost like Apple. We could see their keynote address and their Steve Jobs type character who has, he's announcing the new range of like edible clothing and how it's so exciting. I liked it. At the beginning, it wasn't even really about eating.

It was more about the wearing. Think different. Yeah. And what's more different than wearing a bread on your feet? What's more different than taking a meatloaf and, and, and, and, and, and, and,af and fashioning it into a vest? Slicing it up real thin and sewing those together with angel hair past to make a kind of chainmail. Who's to say that that's not what the future is? Well obviously now in the future we can say.

With certainty that this wasn't the future. It wasn't the future, but who's to say that it isn't going to be still? And then cut to a future self again. Well, I'm going to, you know, keep panning out and really seeing a more futuristic version. But also maybe we come to this company after the Steve Jobs type character has died and they're struggling to have the same impact, the same creativity

that they once had. Yeah. When they came up with the beef jerky belt. It just used to be so easy with him around. You could bring him any food and he, within seconds, he'd throw to you an item of clothing, six items of clothing that it could be. He'd have a whole outfit. Into the changing room.

He could walk into the pantry and come out. Walk into the pantry nude, come out fully dressed. Full of dress. Didn't matter what was in there. I saw him once turn a whole bag of lentils into a... It was three pieces. In the room. A diamond-med wedding dress.

And he looked gorgeous. The next sketch is the pseudo cannibalism, which is a company that sort of sells nicarots for cannibals, which is basically replacing body parts with foods. It's a tofu finger. Yeah, they make full-sized mannequins that you can keep in your basement like in a giant cold storage. I guess in the same way a cannibal would,

if he was just slowly eating his way through a body, things like that, and you can sort of weave, we even give it to you in a stretcher that you can sort of wheel around you know, we even give it to you in a sort of, in a stretcher that you can sort of wheel around you. It actually moans. Yeah, well that's good. Yeah. The fermentation process,

the tofu is still going on, and so periodically gas will escape from the windpipe causing the tofu corpse to moan. We've actually found a way to make the tofu experience paint. Oh. We've actually found a way to make the tofu experience pain. See, okay, well this is actually really good for our meat metaphor, our meat eating, because you know, there's people who are trying to make simulation of meat using soy and that

sort of thing, and we can get the texture, we can also, we can even make it bleed to the fact that, so we're trying to make substitute humans for cannibals out of tofu and we've managed to make the tofu feel pain. I think that is great. Like this tofu is capable of screaming that its parents will find you, you won't get away with this. We've worked out different ways. Our researchers have found ways of recreating human organs entirely out of tofu that are functioning. Yes. And this tofu man is actually alive.

They've made a tofu brain and he actually fears death. But he will flee. He will beg you to stop. Oh my god, a tofu man is escaping. Squat, squat, squat, squat, squat, squat, squat, squat. That's really good. So happy with that. And then tofu man, that's really easy to do.

That's just somebody in like sort of beige. Yeah, that's sort of weird. Make a tofu man. Yeah, we could do that. We could do that on a low budget. Yeah, yeah, we call it bro. Proof. Obviously, we also make women though. Don't let the name just this isn't a sexist company. You just know that if you were catering to cannibals and you just made a man, a live tofu

man, that they would be like, oh, what, no women. Bloody social justice, why is this? We find out, but more like it's a weird fetish thing. But of course, it's a social justice. I do all over that. That's an envelope loads up on screen. Just graceful. This human tofu human company only makes living screaming

man tofu. That would be so good. Anyway, I think we found a big finish. I think yeah, right. How's that happening? Yeah, and then, um, then of course, is the government quick cannibalism campaign, which will be a film the minute you will have. We will have for you on your desk. By December 30th. Yep.

29th. 29th. Like this interest. Two days before the end of the year. And we're going to be finishing it off while our families are all celebrating Christmas. Yeah. That's it. And new years.

What do you mean finishing off? I think you mean starting, Alistair. Oh. No, no, we need to show it. And new years. What do you mean finishing off? I think you mean starting now, I see. No, no, we need to start it maybe after coming first. Okay. No, actually, we need to finish the other thing that we're writing. Yeah, that's right. If you liked it, write it positively. Write a comment on iTunes. And if there's other podcasts, places that also allow ratings, tell us about it and do it, because I would love to be checking other ones. Yeah. And I would have, I would love to have new reservoirs of hope.

Yeah, I know. It'd just be a great place. You know, just another thing to just waste my time with on the day. Yep. And the other things is we're on Twitter. I'm on Alistair TV. I'm at Stupid On Andy and we are two in tank on Twitter and we're on Facebook You can like us on Facebook to in the thing tank and you can like yourselves guys because that is a valuable thing to spend your life doing

It's important self-esteem self-esteem I am worthy A steam. I am worthy. Anyway, see you guys later. We love you. We love you. Bye. T-shirts are super soft. Any new ideas? Maybe sublimely soft. Or disgustingly cozy.

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