Simple Swedish Podcast - 72 - "MARSIPLAN"

Episode Date: March 28, 2017

One Small Step for a Man Chimp, Women Are To Mars, Bad NASA, Photos Developed While You Wait For Ages, Touch Up Time   You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the facebook right here: https://www.facebook.com/TwoInTheThinkTank/   And if for some reason you'd like to go see Al's comedy festival show from 10-22 April 2017 here are the details: https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2017/shows/fuck-a-duck-here-we-go Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, I am Kendra Adachi and I host the Lazy Genius Podcast. A Lazy Genius principle is to decide once. And I have done that by deciding that Olive and June is my go-to brand for ad home mayonnaise. I don't like to waste time and the Olive and June Manny system has everything you need and nothing you don't, all with gorgeous polishes that don't ship. Visit Olive and June.com slash perfect Manny 20 for 20% off your first Olive and June system. That's olive and June.com slash perfect Manny 20 for 20% off your first Olive and June system. Take me, break me, don't mistake me, take me to the beach. Take me, break me, help me, make me, I'm about to reach. Oh, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm,, for five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas, exactly, you know.

Yeah, and I say that you have to shoot for five sketch ideas in order to land. You know, even if you don't make it to five sketch ideas, at least you landed with five sketch ideas. Yeah, yeah, exactly because we actually don't allow it to be anything else. No, absolutely. You'll just label random things sketch ideas, and so we made sketch ideas. Yeah, yeah, no, and you'll notice that we're panting, and that's because we've already attempted to, we've already attempted two beginnings of episodes today.

And we just said we needed another run-up. We need another run-up. Good old run-up. Do you think at any point, along the timeline of the moon mission, when the of the moon mission Mm-hmm, you know when I say the moon mission. Yeah, I'm obviously referring to the third moon mission Which to me was the definitive moon mission the one where they played golf Yes, yeah, obviously the oh

But yes, obviously. The, I wasn't even the third man to walk on the moon. He was the third man on the third mission to walk on the moon on any plate golf. No, do you think at any point in the original moon mission, Buzz, Neil, the other guy? They, at any one said, well, you know, shoot for the moon. It's even if you miss your land among the stars. And do you think that bars and kneel and the other guy were comforted by that expression

at that time or actually found it to be wanting? Well, I would feel like you would definitely be left to feel wanting. I think maybe one of the problems that you would have on the moon is moon is that you know how when you stand with the edge of a building You always want to jump off. Oh, there must be an aspect of being on the moon where you're like I reckon if I just kind of run and Dive yep, I just like just enough of the speed like enough speed and angle the right angle I could go into orbit of this moon. Yeah, escape velocity. You could, yeah, you could, because then all the, escape velocity must be very low on the moon.

Two, three. Hundred kilometers. Hundred kilometers. For a second. Yeah, something like that. Anyway. And what's that, that's just a run, that's just a joke. And so it would mean that you're constantly

on the edge of the building. Right, right, because you could jump off. You feel like you could jump off the moon. Yeah, at any point. And, and, and that would jump off. You feel like you could jump off the moon. Yeah, at any point. And that would be distracting. I imagine. Because you would trust yourself. Amongst other things, even like the idea that maybe your suit might rip a little bit,

and that some of your little hairs might get sucked out into the vacuum of space and then obviously then you would die as well, but that would be. Do you think that when Neil Armstrong said one small step for a man, one giant leap for a man can't you think that that was actually something they taught him to say, as like a little mantra, to prevent him from doing a big step and then going into orbit. So all right Neil, there's low gravity up there. So you're gonna small steps, okay? Okay, so I know conceptually this is a giant leap for mankind, but don't let that filter down

from your subconscious and sort of convince you that you have to do a giant leap on the moon, okay? You just have to do a small step. You're a man, a small step for a man a giant leap for Man kind So in many ways it would have been crazy if they were really afraid of that to even put the words giant leap Oh, you think like Because if you don't want them to think about it you're right the last thing you would do is put it in there

Well, I mean, I think it's an improvement on the original first line It was gonna say we got on the moon, which was careful, Neil, don't jump off the moon. Oh, you see, yeah, that was definitely, because it doesn't even mention mankind. It could, because I, you know, I guess maybe even before that I was careful, mankind don't jump off the moon. Yes.

And then it wasn't even, there was no instruction to Neil at all. There was nothing directly at Neil. Yeah. But they thought, okay, well. There's nothing directly at Neil. Yeah. But they thought, okay, well that's going to sound a bit weird. So the first thing, or we say. So let's try and make something that could sort of both be inspirational to humanity. Yeah, but that's also instructional to Neil.

To Neil. He's very literal and very jumpy. He loves to jump. He loves, it was a long jumper back in on Earth. Yeah, I know, I know the irony, Armstrong, but really, it's the legs, isn't it? Absolutely. It's all in the legs.

So do you think the sketch is in, it's the people who are script writing for Neil, saying now, Neil, it's much like being on the edge of a building. You can fly off of that planet without any trouble. Yes. If you, I know there's footage of people hop and skip and and jumping, well at that point there wouldn't have been. I know there isn't that.

Yeah, there isn't that at this point. But we're pretty sure that you won't even be able to do that up on the moon because low gravity, you're going to fly right off that now. I know we've been saying that there's a lot of gravity to this moment Right, but that is in the hypothetical set. Oh, you know, it's a metaphorical sense. It's there's a lot of gravitas You know, you'll pay attention Neil Long jumping. I said the words high gravity and he's just gone off with his head But he's thinking to himself I bet I could jump a long way even in that high gravity and he's just gone off when he's head. Yeah, but he's thinking to himself

I bet I could jump a long way even in that high gravity. No, okay. All right We're in somehow we're gonna have to make get through to him. Yeah, that that you can't do any Any it's just small steps kneel one small step for kneel But he's too stupid to even know his own name. Oh, no, so we're just going to have to say man, man, man, you man. One small step for you, man, for some reason, Neil Armstrong was essentially a tarzan like creature that like the creature like man that they found They thought, okay, this is the most expendable person that we can think of. Right, it's, okay, so they started out sending out chimps out in despair. Yeah.

That's right. And then they said, well, look, you know, baby steps, so to speak, small steps, for mankind. Let's not go all the way to a fully functioning man. Yeah. Let's go with a man with the mind of a chimp. Yeah, one who was raised by chimps. Race by chimps. a chimp. Yeah, one who was raised by chips. Right, right, right, chips.

This Neil Armstrong. Yeah. And obviously his arm is strong from, you know, all the wings of the mind. All the wings of the mind. Yeah. His name was actually in the, it was man arm strong. But anyway, we've just called him,

we give him a name because it would have been suspicious. Yeah. Um, and so then they send him up. That's the real conspiracy. That's why they spread that fake conspiracy. That it wasn't real. That it wasn't real. No, it was real.

But what we don't tell you is that Neil Armstrong was a man raised by chimps. It was just a risk too big to take to not send a man like that. Is it, is there a, is it possible though that like, rather than it being that we didn't want it to be too bigger jump in the, you know, going from a, a chip to a man, maybe it was that they sent chips into space first, right? But then they had the chimps train the next generation of astronauts because they were the experienced ones. So the chimps have been out there, so obviously they'll be training you. And they had the matchley raised Neil from birth to be.

Right. That's good, yeah. To be an astronaut. He was born to be an astronaut. He was trained. He was his family. Yep. We're all astronauts But I thought no he was the first man yet man in space. Yes. Yeah, he's first man man in space Was he first man in space first man in the moon first man on the moon come on mate? Yuri Yuri your gregarious Something like that kind of ain't that quick. G't I mean that gregarious? Bloody hell. Come on, man.

No, but more like a human. We're probably dealing with the same thing in Russia. You're a human. Solidary. And it was gregarine. But so he grew up and he's learned everything from the chimp, so he uses little sticks and just pokes it into it like a termite mound. And that's how he...

That's why they send the termites up into... Up into space. That was, we told out the turvite. That's why they send the termites up into space. That was, we told people that was an experiment, see how they would build nests. See the real, that was for protein, for nil. Yeah, the real experiment would have been sending nil up without bloody termos. They're saying how he freaks out when you face him with a sandwich. Now buzz, obviously, also raised by chips with a conspicuously chimp-like name, I think buzz.

We thought we could get away with that because he was the second one. Yeah, and then the other guy, well, nobody knows anything about him, so that's what we've kept it that way. He was an actual chimp. He was looking out through the window and much like a chimp would do if he was ink closed in a small room. Okay. Look.

Yeah. I think that's good. I think we might have to simplify. I don't think he can't have been raised by chimp's. I think going back now, it has to have been... I don't think, like, I mean, the idea is either that he was, he was like a Tarzan type man. Totally. He was either raised by chimps in the wild

or he was raised by chimps at NASA. Yeah, the chimps that had gone into space before. Yeah. Yeah. And then maybe it's a combination of both, right? Because by virtue of having been raised by chimps in the jungle, he was then able to connect with the chimps that had been into space, right, and communicate with them, and get vital information.

They did. It was actually the perfect recruit in that regard, because he was able to communicate with previous generations of astronauts, which you know, other man could do. Kevin Rudd was when he was the prime minister and that he could speak Mandarin. This is not like, I'm not linking that to the chim thing, but I just mean like, it's amazing to have somebody

who's capable of communicating with our biggest ally. Exactly. Which is either the Chinese or in this sketch is the like the chimps who had already been up into space, the people who had the most space exploration experience. I was a bad link to make those. I'm not gonna lie. Anyway, now, it was very difficult to try Neil to,

we really wanted man to set foot on the moon. Neil wanted to come out on his hands. Of course, yeah. Because that's what chimps do. Yeah, absolutely. He would have been like just sort of squatting in the door, just looking outside of observing, instead of, I don't know, I've never seen chimps use stairs, you know. Yeah, it sort of, that would swing down. That would have been so much training for Neil. Like, in some regards, I guess, in the space exploration part,

he would have learned that intrinsically from the chimps and that would have been come easy to him. But things like stairs, after just being in the jungle all his life, that would have been the real hurdle. You know, I've never seen an interview with Neil Armstrong. I've seen so many interviews with Buzz Aldrin. Is it just that Neil died quite a long time ago?

Or is it that as a chimp man, he didn't have the media training? Me, Neil. Who would have given him the media training? Possibly bubbles. Bubbles from Michael Jackson's chimp? Because no other chimp would have had a bigger profile him the media training, possibly bubbles. Bubbles from my- My most Jackson's chip. Because no other chip would have had a bigger profile in the media. I've been more under the glare of the pepperousness.

Yeah, there would have been some chips around that had done more live work, sort of from like, you know, circuses and things like that. But they- That's a very different- It's not, you know, sort of talking to the general populace and they've probably built up habits of being kind of more vulgar or just getting lost. Yeah.

Throwing poo, it's very nice. Oh, I know, but throwing poo would have been perfect as a skill on the moon, in terms of like not having to, you know, like, you'd actually go back with a ship that is less weight. And so as you diminish in fuel, you just, you know, you're only having to pull back a much lighter, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, so you don't need it to bring up as much fuel. Yeah, absolutely.

But imagine that, that would be, that would be, like, if there was any place that you'd ever want to attempt these shit in your hand and throw it, it would be on the moon where you could, really satisfying. Yeah, you could just throw it and just watch it take off. It goes all the way around, hits you back in the head. Yeah, or hits you in the ship. In the ship. No, no. Wait, wait. The landing on the moon part and then taking back off. That is the part that I do. Incredible. Yeah. Not, not, not just taking off. Didn't they? So they landed the lander, right? The eagle has landed, right? Yeah. But then they had to take that

off from the moon and then recombine it with another thing that was in orbit that had the other guy in it. Oh, is that where he was? Yeah, he was all putting around the moon and there's another bit. Oh man. I don't understand it at all. Well, you know, the maths must have worked. Well, I think the thing is, for men, it's just too much to get your head around, but a champ's very instinctive. For a champ? Yeah, especially they are putting a thin thing into a hole.

Yeah. It's all, it's just too much to exist. It's just a stick and termite mind again. Yeah. And's all, it's just, it's just, it's just a stick in termite mound again. Yeah. You know, and I just do it sort of naturally. Naturally. It's either the termite mound is moving or they're moving. That's why they have, I don't, there's not a lot of moving termite mounds, but maybe in a landslide, you know, he learned to actually pick termites out of a, out of a term termite mound in a landslide. Incredible.

Yeah, so that's what made him perfect. Well, to be honest, this makes his achievements even more impressive. I really wish this had come out earlier. He said, what made it much better? So, the same Neil is dead now, so that he can't enjoy what's come out about him. Finally. Because people have made sort of, you know, it's interesting they're diminishing milestones for things like this, right?

Because there's, you know, first man in space, that's a big deal, first man in the moon, and then first woman in space is obviously very exciting. But, you know, then there's things like, you know, first Australian in space, you know, and then you're like, I mean, sorry Andy Thomas. First guy completely covered in blisters in space. That would be tough, right? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Because you know at some point they're gonna burst

and it's gonna start really hurting. First. And the healing process happens. First emo in space. But then you get some good ones again, and then you get, you know, first man on Mars, first woman on Mars. I think it'd be nice. It'd be nice if we put, if the first person we sent to their doom on Mars would be a woman. That's true. That would be a real positive step for equality. I think it's just, yeah. Is there a sketch in that in that, like a woman being offered the position of the first

person to die on, you know, to go out a futile mission to Mars? I think that they're pitching it to them saying, look, it's about time that we make sure that women are ahead. They're leading this movement. They're leading this. I don't want it to be first woman on Mars then second, you know, like, then, you know, yeah, I don't want it to be first man on Mars and then first woman on Mars. I want it to be first woman on Mars first. The first person is the first woman on Mars. I want it to be first woman on Mars first the first person is the first woman and yeah. So that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna send you out there. Right. Can't guarantee you're gonna come back. But you have to understand how big how important this

is gonna be. Yeah. And how inspiring this will be. and you know about how Because there's so much more to this as well because you could you know the first woman on Mars That's incredible achievement first woman to die on Mars first person to die on Mars is a woman is a woman That's too much Records that are yours that in the bag. They are locked obviously. We're gonna try to we're gonna try to make sure that you live We're definitely gonna try. Sure. But I'm just saying, if we fail, if we fail, there is a positive.

Now, there's also a chance that the mission will be a total failure, that you will die on route, right? And if that is the case, you have my reassurance that we will keep sending women to die in space until we get the first person on Mars is a woman. And I don't care how many have to die so that we can bring this record. Yeah, and then after that, we will send the first sort of man who's raised by chimps and then our regular man. I think I really think there's something in that.

And it's important that the woman in this sketch has agency, Alistair, that she is able to say no to this quite ridiculous thing, right? I think she does say no. I think that's sexist, because I don't think you ever make sure that there's agency for the men in our sketches.

No, I'm joking. I agree. I think she does say no. And then they may be, then do they maybe say, all right, well, first man raised by chimps. Well, what else we got? What else is on the list? All right.

First Australian. First Australian. First man on space. Is in the, on Mars, is in Australian. Bloody red planet, red, red dirt out there. Yeah, bloody love it. Oh, it's not, yeah,

that's great marketing. Oh, we could launch from the outback. Oh my God. Oh my God. Red rock to red rock. Oh wait, what about, oh that's good to you. Yeah.

But what about we could get Red Rock Delhi to sponsor it with their chips. That's perfect. Um, oh, any other red rocks? What about like, Himalayan rock salt.

Oh, yeah, that's good. What about, Bloodstained rock salt? Oh, yeah, that's good. What about bloodstone kidney stone? Oh, yeah, that's good Ruby's Ruby's right get the Ruby market in Ruby wax Ruby wax She could MC the launch This thing it's paying for it's riding itself, but oh Maybe Ruby would like to be the first woman on that is it is there um Is there a Because there's this it seems that there's this perpetual campaign to get people suck to sign up to be that on the first mission to Mars

Which I don't think NASA is running that campaign Whoever it is it's it's some fucking bullshit. I don't know who's decided, oh yeah, no, we're soliciting names and definitely you, the randoms who send us a video on the internet. Yeah, we're going to pick one of you and you're going to be in the group of the first people on ours. Like, these people, I don't know how, like, the people who were signed up, because I've seen interviews with some of these people and they seem very confident that this is gonna happen. Yeah, right? Totally confident.

You don't go signing people up before you've even built the fucking spaceship. That's like me telling people about my podcast. I'm asking people to be a podcast on my guest on my podcast. This one that I want to do where people pretend to be directors of different films. I see. I've been asking people to be on that podcast for a really long time. Yeah, podcast is not gonna happen Oh, you're the mission the Mars people yeah, the first mission to Mars people in podcast form So is there something about that. Yeah, or is there something about could we ask the people who are in the first mission

Tomorrow's to be to appear as directors on your podcast the people who are in the first mission tomorrow is to be to appear as directors on your podcast. What's the way? Is there something about, sorry, Alistair, don't be silly with my sketch right here, about my asking people to sign up to be the first group of astronauts to die on the way to Mars, because we're confident that the first one won't work, but it's important that we do it. Yeah, we can't. Because you have to do so, you have to have a first move.

Yeah, because we know that some people will die on the way there, but we don't know exactly how. Yes. And I think it's only through doing that we will find out what kind of things is gonna kill humans on the way to Mars. Absolutely. What kind of things is gonna kill humans on the way to Mars? Absolutely, and you know launching a

Spaceship to the moon. That's one thing. You can see the moon Yeah, right, but you can't see Mars No somebody somebody you'll often point one out want some random star And you like to see that it's flickering a bit red. Yeah, we don't know nobody knows nobody knows So we're gonna have a lot of shots at this Yeah, like a real you know like learning to pitch in baseball You know, we're just gonna chuck a whole bunch out there like that This is how they're they're pitching it to the to the members ago

We really don't know what we're doing, but we need to start somewhere. Yeah, right to be honest Not that much is known about space. They say that in space no one can hear you scream. But how do we know? Yeah, how do we know? We've never sent a man to moon to space. A man to moon, sorry, a man to the moon. I am not very good at this. We've never actually sent a person into space. Let's come back alive. Oh, we have? Oh, we have.

Oh, OK. Oh, see, that's great. Well, OK, we're going to ask them about whether or not you can scream in space. Did you know that roughly 95% of cosmologists don't know where the sun is? You see, so that's understandable that we wouldn't know where the sun is. You see? So that's understandable that we wouldn't know exactly where Mars is. Obviously we're gonna try to keep you alive

for as long as possible. And looking for Mars and you'll be closer to it than us. So you'll stand a good chance. I reckon once you're out there of seeing it. Yes. And maybe even pointing towards it. So if, first of all, if you get out of Earth's orbit, I think that's already a win. I think that's already a win. Now it's the closer to space that you get. The closer to space. The closer you just start yelling things into the mic. We'll have mics there.

Maybe we'll get you a little Madonna mic. You start yelling into the mic, things that you see. So that maybe we can get a better idea of how space works and where Mars is. Yeah, it looks like. And if you describe something that we think looks like Mars, we'll be right on that. Yeah, and you tell the driver of the shuttle. There it is. There it is. It's like looking for a car park in a crowded underground car park. Everybody's got to do their bit.

You look at the left. You look at the right. Someone will see it. Yeah, but it's like the opposite because it's like a crowded car park. It's like the emptiest car park you've ever been in. Right. And the car parks are thousands of millions of kilometers apart.

So really you're not looking for a space. You're looking for a not space. You're looking for a not space. I'm sorry. That was a bad example. I am. Oh, okay. Sorry. I'm sorry, that was a bad example. I am. Oh, okay.

Sorry, I failed both cosmology and English. But we've got great people on board making the rocket, so don't worry. This rocket is going to go fast. Yeah. Oh boy. I saw a test. At least I think I saw a test. I mean, I had my eyes closed because I was thinking about lunch. It was really scary. The idea of not having lunch. Okay. Look, we're having a lot of fun here on this day. We're being very silly. How is

this a sketch? Okay. So because it, yeah, no, sorry, I'll let you answer the question I just asked. So I think that it could just be, it's set at an earlier time before most, like space travel has happened. And for some reason, instead of like going, like starting it going into just orbit and then coming back and bringing them back alive, that kind of thing, they're just, they're just going straight for it. We're just going to shoot for Mars. Shoot for Mars, even if you miss, you might land on the moon and we'll count that as a win. And that'll be great because we will have got there before the Russians. Yeah. Yeah. You know. But we're just trying to think three moves ahead at the moment, which is a chest thing,

another thing that the Russians are actually quite good at and beating us out. And I don't understand. And I don't understand. So. Do they have moves in chest? I think that's very possible, I'll say. What about this?

It's set in NASA, but NASA has lost a huge amount of funding, right? And they don't have any of their good people anymore. They haven't really done any big missions, but the president for whatever reason has said we're going to put a man on Mars within, you know, two or three years, right? Yeah. You know, before the decade is out. Sure.

Before the decade is out, sounds great, right? But they don't realize that this is already 2019. Yeah. Okay. I don't think he was thinking about that, you know, he should, before the decade is out, makes it sound like you could have as many as 10 years. As many, yeah. Really, he could have said by the end of next year, right?

And that would have been accurate as well. Yeah, I mean, and that's what he meant. He did mean 10 years, but the way that it was interpreted. And the way it was written up in the mean. Yeah, was set of neck in the next year. Yeah. And so anyway, and there's an election on the way. He doesn't want to look bad.

We don't have the time to do what we call testing. Yeah. Or what we also call planning. So we're really going to wing it. Yeah. Okay. Short wings. Short, very short wing.

Very short wing. Very short wing. But mostly no wings. Very little amount of wings, surprisingly for a thing. It's just mostly pole, it's like neck. It's all neck. It's like a snake. It's like a snake designed an airplane.

Yeah, so just think of it as like a catapulting, a stiff snake. Right? That's how we are. It could also maybe work as a sketch if it's like a country that is just starting. It could be like an English-speaking country, like Australia or New Zealand, or it could be somewhere like Norfolk Island, which is, I mean, that seems silly. Maybe it's just, I mean, we could just set it in the time of a Trump administration where everything has been defunded.

I think that's good, but also where he's likely to make really big claims. Right? Like that we will put a man on Mars. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Hi, I am Kendra Adachi and I host the Lazy Genius podcast. A Lazy Genius principle is to decide once. And I have done that by deciding that Olive and June

is my go-to brand for ad home mayonnaise. I don't like to waste time, and the Olive and June mayonnaise system has everything you need, and nothing you don't, all with gorgeous polishes that don't chip. Visit oliveandjune.com slash perfectmanny20 for 20% off your first Olive and June system.

That's oliveandjune.com slash perfectmanny20 for 20% off your first Olive & June system. That's olive and June.com slash perfect, manny20 for 20% off your first Olive & June system. Okay. We will put a man on Mars. Now, which man? Mm-hmm. Which man do you want to put on Mars? Yes.

Someone good? I can put anybody on Mars. Name a person. You just name a person, I'll put them on Mars. Now I'm opposed. You just name a person, I'll put them on Mars. I'll go by next year. I think that's good. Like defunded NASA Mars mission, okay? Not confident cosmologists.

Very well designed spaceship, as you say. Maybe we spend all the money on the spaceship. Yeah, we got it from the guys who had NASA before us. Wow, so maybe we bought out NASA. Yeah. We're running a strip pack operation. Yeah. We've sold off a lot of the assets. We think that we can get NASA to turn a profit. Yeah.

Man, yeah, okay, so it is a bit like when they privatize the public transport system, they stop maintaining things. They basically just fudge the results to try and make it look like they're running an efficient organization, even though they're not, and then they just take the money and bloody run, mate. They just run. Pike the money and bloody run.

They don't give a bloody fudge. Yep. A bluffer. Yeah, okay. I like it. What are you, so you know how we went to office works the other day? Yes. And we picked up those photos.

And you know, so they had a system there where you got to put in your phone number now, like because the queue, you don't just queue up anymore. You put your phone number into a screen and then it takes you when they're ready for you to come up to the counter. Right, so I got those photos home, not our family, different family, different nationality of family in that box of photos. So Carly, they called them, my wife, she called them up, she said, these are the wrong photos. We can tell because we're not in them. And they said, oh, sorry, come back tomorrow. We'll have them printed for you.

Bring back the ones that aren't your family, right? Okay, so, Carly. Fidgety one. Captain Moll. Yeah. No. We took them back. Carly went back, right? kept them all. Yeah. No, we took them back, Kelly went back, right? And no photos, no, the machine had broken the night before. And so they weren't able to print out any photos.

But, and then so I went back again today and was able to pick up the photos. But each time we've used the system, putting our phone number into the screen there and waiting for the text to come up to the counter. The text, which by the way, comes at a time that doesn't seem to be related to when there's an availability at the counter. And then today I was able to collect the photos, right? But I think it's amazing. Office works deciding that the problem with the system, obviously they've noticed that there are things going wrong at their printing and photo collection counter.

And they've decided that the problem is that people aren't queuing properly and that we need a system to help people to queue up. Do you think maybe they're just blaming the customers? I think they might be blaming the customers because I think their problem is elsewhere. Oh geez people are complaining about their photos not getting the right photos. These customers are a bloody mess. They're fucking it up. I need to get it together. Alright. Of course, you're going to wind up with the wrong photos if you're just jumbling around

the counter there, sort of saying your names and handing over cards and stuff like that to just a random. It's ridiculous. What you need. Right. These idiots need. What do they need? An extra step.

There you go. They need us. Get them them in order get them in line Not an actual line no, and not an actual step Don't put a step there bloody people Get my shit. It's what he not Right on their toes. What if they want a step? Okay, then they got to put their name in a in a computer Yeah, and then we'll tell them when they're turned to go on the step. Well, 3D printer step for.

Well, 3D printer step. We'll get it done. I don't care. It has to be another family. Another family of another ethnicity step. Esnesty. Esnesty. Look, he's got a funny way at talking.

I mean, I've got a funny way at talking. So is there a sketch in that L state? Yeah, like, but we need to like make the problem clearer because it's But also, I don't know if people will know exactly what we're talking about. Yeah, but but some idea where You know, something's going wrong with their company There's some inefficiencies in their company, and then they find a way of... Blaming the customers. And then somehow just making it more complicated for them?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that also seemed to be a lot of staff there, and all standing around, and very, like, there were more staff than customers there today, and I still had to wait for 10 minutes for someone to talk to me. So, anyway, look, I've got issues with office works and is that a sketch? I have issues with office works, Alistair. Make it a sketch. Okay. What about this? Yeah.

Before photography, right, we still nevertheless have a counter, right? Where either okay, these are the two options. A you go up and you ask for some photos to be printed and they say okay There's gonna be a short wait because photography hasn't been invented yet. Yeah, that's one option. Yeah, pretty short Yeah, that is a short option. Okay, number two, okay, this is where you go up, right? And I'd like some pictures of my family, print it out please, and they say, okay, you just need to download the data about your family into such and such, right? But it's just an old man who you go and you describe your family to the old man, right? Yeah, and then he draws them he draws them or he goes back and then he talks to someone else he tells someone else The description, right and then they

Draw them or make it and make it look a woodcut or something like that and then you come back in You know, maybe six months maybe a bronze bust something like that. And then you come back in, you know, maybe six months. Maybe a bronze bust. A bronze bust, sure. And then you come back, much down the track, right? And then you get all the, these, this sort of sheaf of like sketching and etchings.

And that sort of thing, and you take them home and you open it up and you're like, oh, these are all railways and arches. There's these sketches of somebody's holiday to France. And they have railways and arches. And you go back down and say, you sure this isn't your family? And you're like, well, no, these are railways and arches. I think there definitely needs to be a sketch

that recreates the experience of going to office work to get your photos printed. And you just don't know if this is it. No, no, no, I do. Look, I think that the second one is probably the better one. Okay, right. I think it should just step for step recreate the, so you go in there and there's still just a little, there's still a little box that you can walk up to and you can sort of

like, you know, you know, so you know those ones that you would put your memory card into. Yeah. But it's just a box sort of like I guess you could like a confession box and you go and you tell the guy there. Yeah. Like that. And then he gives you a receipt where he's written down what you said to him. Yeah. And then you take it back to the desk.

Back to the desk. Yeah. And they go, okay, Rod. All right, take it back to the desk. Back to the desk. And they go, okay, rot. All right, well, that's gonna be two to three months. Yeah. Like that. And then you go, all right, and then you come back two to three months later,

and they go, oh, we haven't done it. All right, now somebody will do it for you right now. And they're going to be like, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do you really want them to be carving away? Do you? Yeah, either that or like that was them... Eaching.

Well, I'm picturing something even sculpting bronze. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D wait for maybe two to three weeks in their little waiting areas. Looking at the weird, you said parchment they have for sale. Parts where you've kind of like, yeah, I feel like you've set up camp and you've got like a rabbit hanging off that rope that you've got it and you're waiting to, you know, you're sort of collecting furs and you're eating the meat off the bone and then go, ah, Mr. Matthews, your photos, what would I guess you're? Your images, your pictures are ready? Yeah, your pictures are ready, and then you come back

and then they go, that's not my family, that's some guy. Tyken anyways, must have described his dick to the man. That, because the dirty photos as well would be a thing, right? Taken anyways must have described as dick to the man and That because they dirty photos as well would be a thing right the like you've got to do Describe your genitalia or like a sex act to the old man in a box who then writes it all down in exhaustive detail And then a sculptor does it Carve it out look I think I I think. I think, yeah, look, I think that's good. I think pre-photos, photo printing thing. I mean, it's less, I think it's less of a cultural phenomenon now that we have digital.

And nobody really prints anything out anymore. Yeah, but I think places like big W office works, sure. And people still do get things printed out sometimes. Yeah, you know, for grandma and I print some out occasionally if I'm put them in a little book for my son so that he can look at photos because he doesn't really have his own digital device at 18 months at the moment. So I'm really interested to put them in there and then just people that he knows. I just found that again today and I was like, oh, I should update it, he knows a lot more people.

I'll put you in there. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I mean, you're already on the fridge, so do you hear any of those, you by side. Maybe I could go from the fridge into the book. I've got to come off the fridge at some point, Alistair. You've got to make the decision. Al's got the invite to my wedding

or the thank you card for my wedding or something on his fridge, which is lovely. Oh, I'm going to lovely. I'm gonna wait. I'm not gonna take it down until you look really old and comparison. I like, oh, I better change this. It's weird having this weird 29 year old guy's photo up on my fridge.

It's so it makes sense. It would be more sense if it was like a photo of you when you were 14, and be like, now I just got some 14 year old kids photo on my wall. Yeah, just some baby. No, the reason why I thought of that, I said that. I year old kids photo on my wall. Yeah, just some baby. No, the reason why I thought of that, I said that. I know it doesn't really make a lot of sense. Is that I used to have like an old photo album from that my girlfriend had given me at

the time from high school. Yeah. Right? And then I found it like 12 years later, you know, after we broke up, and so I'm like, I'm 30 or 31 years old. And then suddenly I've just got this book of quite like, not, nothing nude or anything like that, but just quite intimate photos of like a 15 year old girl.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's, you know, it's a strange thing to kind of find yourself, where you go, I should guess I should get rid of this. I mean, it's nice to have memories, but I don't want photos of a 15-year-old girl around. That you don't know.

That I don't really know. Like, I mean, at the time, I kind of knew her. Now I have no idea. So, what is, what do we do with that? Do you, can you then take that, those photos? Is there a service that ages? Because there is this hideous thing where you can take a photograph of your kid along there, and they will generate an image of what your kid looks like now.

We'll look like in 30 years time or something like that. So what about a service where you take along all your photos, right? And they digitally age them so that you look the same age throughout your entire life, so that you don't get shocked by how much you've aged. That's it. So even like as a baby, they'll replace the face with just your adult face. With your current face. Your current face. And they'll do this like every year you're taking all your photos and they just update them

a little bit. They tweak them. They sort of study your face a little bit and they're going, oh, there's a few extra lines. Get in there. And then you don't notice the passage of time. The cruel ravages of time. That's nice.

It's the comparison that kills you. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I like that a lot. That side by side. It feels almost like something that would be implemented by a totalitarian regime in some kind of a dystopia, where they're trying to convince people that everything

is always, as it always has been, or something like that. They try and remove the concept of time. That's what they're doing. So this is my version of 1984. It's a try and control people's minds by convincing them that nothing changes. Therefore, there is no hope of change. Right?

And what they do is they just digitally alter all your photos. They always look like you're 33. Yeah, I like the overall you are now. I like the idea as well. They did. These people sort of do believe in it. Like, I saw a photo of myself as a kid, and I was, oh, must be awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, you know, once you come onto a service, that won't happen ever again. Yeah. You know, you shouldn't have to feel things like that. Like top passage of time.

You shouldn't have to feel things like that, like top passage of time or... You know, there's anti-aging. It can take two forms, really, can't it? Yes. Because what is aging? But the process from youth to age. But what if instead of stopping your age now from getting any higher, we sort of brought up all your previous ages to be equivalent. Yes, stop all. Yes. So what do you feel old? Well, old relative to how old you were before.

What if how old you were before was as old as you are now? Or older? We have the premium package where we'll make all the photos of you as a baby look really old. And so that looks like you're improving in the looks. Yeah. Wow. Have you lost weight? You make them look fat as well. And sad. Wow. Have you lost liver spots? It's actually very easy to make them look sad. Yeah. We just turn that frown. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

We're not with frown. Now we just have it a frown. We just frown. Yeah, we just have it a frown. Yeah, we do. Sometimes I use just Photoshop to just sort of pull down the corners of your mouth. It looks pretty natural. With old people, you just expect them to look weird. So, you get the quality of the photo shopping doesn't have to be that good. Oh, I'm giving away a few mistakes. You could really do this as a job if you wanted to, but don't take this away from me. I've got a kit. I think he looks old. I don't know. Like he's 50 or something. Yeah, all right. That's ridiculous. Yeah. It's bloody ridiculous. I'll stay well technically that is that is fine

That is five Do you want to continue? Or do you think we should just start wrapping it up? I don't know if I've got much in me But let's start wrapping around. Let's just see what happens. I'm bloody all over. So what happens? Oh You were having a lot of fun. You were having a lot of fun. What happened, Andy? After sending chimps into space, we sent a man raised by chimps, a tarzan. So this was Neil Armstrong, is actually a sort of tarzan-like man who was raised by

chimps. And the instructions that he gave, that he said when he first walked out, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. We're actually... Self-talk. Yeah, but a self-talk that NASA tried to put on him because they know that as a night man he loves to leap and too much leaping at this point could send him into orbit. Yeah. And you know they need this to be a successful mission even though he...

They sent a monkey. Even though they sent up like a lesser man But yeah, but that's what you know, yeah, I mean this That's a clear comedy sketch It's one of your classic probably it's the you know the five sketches of comedy one classic five Skidges they probably why than already did that probably a restaurant sketch to a doctor sketch three a psychiatrist sketch. Yeah, four people on a date to people on date. I mean that might be in a restaurant or a doctor's office who knows? We're a date to a doctor's. Yeah. Could have been dating a doctor could have been one of those inappropriate relationships. No, a workplace.

Yeah. And then obviously, you know, chimp man on Mars. Chimp man on the moon. On the moon, yeah. Then we've got first woman on Mars is being sent to her doom. So it's the people who are planning a- They're great allies. They're right on.

They're so woke. Yeah, they're very, very, no woke means, but I'm using it. Well, that's fine. That's completely okay. But I think, yeah. They're trying to do a positive thing. They're trying to send a woman to Mars,

but they're being up front. They want the first person in Mars to be a woman, but they're being up front, you're most likely gonna die. But, you know, that's not gonna be so bad, because then that means that the first person in Mars to be a woman, but they're being up front. You're most likely going to die. Like, you know, but, you know, that's not going to be so bad because then that means that the first person to die on Mars is also going to be a woman, which is incredibly inspired. That's two milestones.

Think of the little girls who are growing up who'll be able to see. We're able to imagine one day dying, dying cold and alone on a distant planet. And an attempt to flee our own burning planet. Yeah, should be able to die somewhere else. Yeah, and this woman has agency in this lack of funding NASA. This is a defunded NASA under some sort of despicable leader of some sort. They've bought out NASA. They've decided that they've lost a lot of their good people because it's now in the hands of mostly idiots.

And somehow they've promised that they're going to get a man on Mars. I mean, really quickly. On Mars, real cool. On Mars, and then so they're just going to do it. So they're just get a man on. Really quickly. On Mars, real close. And then so they're just gonna do it. They're just gonna do it. We're just gonna throw ourselves into this and we're just gonna hope for the best. Yeah, it takes too long to plan and to like sort of,

I think it's just, you just learn on the job. It's like sort of carpentry. Right, and then maybe this sketch, and look, I don't wanna go all over it again, but maybe it's more about this guy who's now in charge of NASA who's very instinctive. You know, he's just a doer. He doesn't believe in a lot of this newfangled stuff, okay? When I was working on the farm, if there was a problem, we just went and fixed it.

Yeah, you just tried. You just do it. You just have a go. We didn't have a lot of learning, a lot of book learning. We don't have time. We just had our smarts. Yeah. So we just...

Do you know how many times I'd have to read, like how many pages I'd have to read to know that if you do X thing, then ship blows up, right? It's easier to just go, you know, it takes three seconds if you just do it and the ship blows up. Right, now I know that makes the ship blow up, okay?

And he's just, he's talking to the first group of people that are gonna be sent to Mars, these people who, which, you know, in a way you don't sympathize with because they're the kind of people that would sign up for a, we're all being sent to, to be the first people to be sent to Mars. I just want attention. They really do.

But also they want to feel like they would be in somehow this weird, like these, have these weird characteristics that make them good for being sent to Mars. Sure. Right. Like anyone who thinks that they are the kind of person who should be selected to restart humanity on a distant planet, should not be selected to restart humanity on a distant planet should not be selected to restart humanity on a distant planet. It really should be people being sent against their will. Yeah, it should be sprung on you.

Yeah, bam, you. Haha. Yeah. It's Shanghai to Neptune. That's cool. That's cool. It'd be cool to go like just, you know, if you had to go try and repopulate, like humans, but they sent you to Jupiter and you're like, this is going to be tough going. This is going

to be tough going in the fog the whole time. There's going to be a hard center in the somewhere, right? Yeah, I guess, but like, like, it's so much gas, right? It'd be gas in some weird state of being compressed. But do you think it's such a gas so compressed that you could stand on it? Maybe. Real thick and super gas. Yeah, but at least while you're falling through Jupiter, at least that would be a good opportunity to get bloody. You can't get a phone. No, it can convince a girl to get bloody.

Hey, baby, I think I'm You can't get it. No, I can convince a girl to bloody. I mean, baby, you can rape a lady like this. Obviously, we've got agency. I don't know what I'm talking about. Then we've got the pre-photo printing, which is basically an experience of going to office works. But let's say 200 years ago. Yeah, great choice. Yeah, and it's done with bronze statues,

maybe wood etchings, and it's all about describing it to a guy and then he's downloading. Downloading. Downloading. The data. You put your memory card here. Oh, and the memory card is like a discreet piece of paper that you've described the memory onto.

Yeah, and then that guy just writes down what you've written on the memory card onto a piece of paper and then he hands it to the... Maybe the memory stick is just a pencil. That's good. Yeah, use this memory stick. Do you think thinking is just the gut feeling of the mind? Oh my god. I could have been maybe like, you know, they say animals. You know, bloody aligned to baton over here.

You know, they say animals, you know, don't have consciousness. Maybe it's because their gut feelings haven't shifted upward. Outward? Or, you know, a crossword for dogs. They went to the world about that. Their brains are just a cross from this stuff. They're about there. They're in brains. They're just a cross from this stuff. Just down the road.

That's good. Yeah, great. And photo. Oh yeah, then this is a company that offers the... I'm... I'm picture it's for some reason. It's just a... Like, it's not a big company.

It's just an ad in the paper phone book, like the yellow pages. Some guys like, It's the classifieds, maybe you've got it in the leader or something, and see. In the column next to the, well the Escort services, Tom's photo at age,

retapped. So now I know who this guy is, he's quite over wet weight. His shirt stinks He spends a lot of time in a very comfy office chair Yeah, and quite a dark room. Yeah, clicking away with his double screen because you know double screen Pulling down the corners of people's mouths What about I mean it maybe it's it's even better to be like I Will go through all the photos rather than scratching out pictures of your ex-lover from photos from previous relationships. I will go

through all the photos, previous relationship and make you look sad in all of them. So you feel better about not being in that relationship anymore. Yeah, I'll do all sorts of, you know, history. I'm rewriting history. Rewriting, re-photo shopping, whatever, it's the same thing. But yeah, we've made a lot of people happy. And that's why I do this, because it's just, you don't find true happiness until you help others. To a arise reality.

Yeah, that's not arising. It's just modifying. You're right. Then he goes into some deep philosophical questioning about whether or not there was even a past. How do you know that that was true? We're just a brain and a jar and that kind of thing. Maybe you're a clone. Anyway, it's 20 bucks for a hundred pictures.

That's great. And that is all the sketches for today. That's all the sketches for today. That's all the sketches for today. That's all the sketches for today. Sketch is for the day and that's all the sketch is for the day. Sketch is for the day. We're tired. This is why this is running out of energy. Okay. I mean, that was clear, Alistair.

In between us, we have three children. Right in between us. Right in between us. Correctly between us. But look, thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening. I don't know why we're talking about that. If you're new listeners to the podcast from the Planet

Broadcasting Network, thank you so much for listening to the don't know why we're talking about that. If you're new listeners to the podcast from the Planet Planet Broadcasting Network, thank you so much for listening to the show. For even taking a chance. Oh my goodness, what a punt you've taken. Yes, what? And boy, I hope it's paying off for you. Yes, me too. I mean, I hope you didn't put any money on this because that speaks to us some sort of

a gambling problem that you may have. Absolutely. You said, oh, new podcast, I bet this is going to be good and then you slammed, I don't know, how much money down. Well, you know what? And if, but if you be good and then you slammed. I don't know how much money down Well, you know what and if and if but if you did I hope you win. I hope it was good Yes, you know, I hope that and you clean up Yeah, and I hope that the person the the bookie that you're booking isn't like some weird bias person I hope they're actually being honest when they listen to the podcast as well. I come back and they say yeah

You're right. No, that was good or He's took a bit of a dip nearly in there. No, they seem to have no energy. They came out of his shoes. They came out of nose ahead. Yeah, but you know, the saddest scene in any movie is the one where the dad who has a gambling problem convinces his child to give him his pocket money so he can go and gamble it. Yeah. But I think there's any movie, any sad movie that you can name that wouldn't have been made sadder by putting that scene in there. Yeah, but then there's no movie, happy movie, they couldn't have made happier by showing

a dad who had a gambling win, giving money to his child. There you go. And then made sad again by him, taking that back off him the next week. The next week, yeah, but you know, you wouldn't put that bit in if you were a happy man. No, you did it that out. So I wouldn't be surprised if for all Williams had that as a loan in his in his song, Happy. Because I'm happy. Because I'm happy my dad gave me gambling winning. happy because I'm happy because I'm happy my dad gave me gambling winnings Daddy got from the other day He bet on a podcast that he heard about through the

Just network yeah, and so you know and if you're here and you haven't listened to any of the other Podcasts there's some great podcasts in there. Oh, yes, uh, Antidonna Do you know I don't know if Antidona are in there. Yeah. I think in there. Antidona are in the network. Yeah, they're in the network. You're kidding. No, they are.

Oh, that's incredible. That's why they were there. Yeah, I thought they were just doing a dance. No, no, no. Do go on. Do go on. Human ordinary. Oh, such good stuff.

The others. Yes. The weekly plan. You guys should listen to the weekly plan if you don't listen to it. You know what, to the weekly plan you're going to hear on listening to. You know what, we're going to sling a couple of listens there, why? You go to tune into the weekly plan.

Yeah, and then if you'll see like this, then you can review us on the iTunes and on Stitcher and on all the other ones. And if there's other ones, tell us about them. We want to know. And you can follow us on Twitter, I'm a stupid old Andy. And I'm Alistair TB and we're both at Tumin Tank for the podcast and we're also on Facebook

and you know what? We God damn love you.