Two In The Think Tank - 74 - "BURRITO SOMMELIER"

Episode Date: April 11, 2017

Alasdair George William Tremblay-Birchall's show Fuck a Duck Here We Go just opened at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival - there are only 8 more shows so ... just go.Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family You can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtbAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi icons, it's Danny Pellegrino from the Pop Culture Podcast, everything iconic, and I love Nordstrom. No place better to shop, particularly during the holiday season, because they have everything. They have holiday decor at Nordstrom. They have cozy cardigans from Barefoot Dreams, my fave. They have cold weather attire, party attire, plus free shipping and free returns. Free store pickup, you can also purchase a recycled fabric gift bag so your item arrives festive and wrapped. So check out Nordstrom this holiday season, a one-stop shop. You can explore more at Nordstrom in store or online at Nordstrom.com. Die, die, die, die, die, die.

That's what we call you to die. Die. Hello and welcome to the Two in the Thing Tank of the Show, where, look, how would you describe what we do, Alastair? I would say in your own words. In my words, I would say that it is the audio program where we try to make out of nothing Sinko Sketcho

Kidney Sketcho Ideas. Yeah concepts. We try and come up with five sketch ideas. Yeah, that is what it bluntly. Yeah If you were gonna not care about anybody's feelings, that's how you would say it You know, I tell it like it is. Absolutely. I was thinking that there is definitely a difference because there's some people who tell it like it is. Yes.

But then, you know, and they're sort of, you know, they're considered truth sayers. Right. But then there's also the people who tell it like they see it. Right. And, well, they more call it like they say it. They call it like they see it, right. But there's definitely a, they more call it like they see it. They call it like they see it, right? But there's definitely a difference there, because one of them, you know, the people who call it like they see it,

there's an admission that maybe how they see it isn't how it is. Absolutely. You see, like a totally insane person on the street yelling about chameleons trying to get their eyes. They're just calling it like they see it. But it's totally the same. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily mean that's how it is. Well, you know, when I say he's calling it like he sees it,

I'm just telling it how it is. Absolutely. He can't be offended because, you know, I, I, Yes. I observe reality in a purely objective way. Yeah, yeah. Which, interestingly, has driven me completely insane to the point where I think chameleons are trying to get my eyes. Do you think, perhaps, Alistair, that the people who call it like they see it. Just people who used to tell it like it is, until the sheer abject horror

of witnessing the truth on a constant daily basis, drove them into insanity where they no longer perceive, or their perception is no longer linked to a useful interpretation of the real world. Well, Andy, I would say that an uncut, an un-refined injection of truth into your eyeballs would definitely dampen your retinas. Yeah, the rods and cones. The would certainly square off the edges of the rods and the blunt and the cones. The sheer force of the truth.

As you know, many people can't handle the truth. And why is that? Fiebleness. And so there's something about truth that is probably corrosive and that is also massive. Massive. Massive. Do you think the truth carries momentum? Oh, yeah, carries momentum. I mean, it's quite interesting to think about what the, you

know, the physical properties of truth are. The truth. If it carries momentum, is it an elementary particle? Exactly. Is there a particle like the Higgs boson that gives things truth? Right? So, you know, obviously some things are true and some things are not true. And how do we establish the difference between those two things? You know, what is it that allows the universe to give the property of truth to things that are true and not truth, obviously, or it fails to give it to things that aren't. Maybe it is actually everything is true until it interacts with a false particle that makes it not real. Yeah, right, right, right, or look at it. I mean, all we need is for one of those particles

to interact with this concept right now and it could become reality. So even if truth particles don't exist, if one hit me right now, then they would. Oh my God, yeah, that's, but then, but unless they don't exist, then in which case, they probably never will. Or, but unless they do exist,

but then you get hit with one of those false particles and then it stops. A truthical or a falsicle. Okay, so scientists discovering the Particle that gives things truth, right or makes things true. Yeah, okay, so and and I think this could be linked in with politics in some way.

Like maybe they've been, they've got together a whole lot of people who just tell it like it is. And they've been analyzing them in some way. Maybe... Have they been putting them... Have they been smashing their... I already like what you're going with this. Have they been smashing them together in the big age of collider? A really high speed, very close to the speed of light.

All these shock jokes and reality TV stars. Yep, just spinning around, accelerated by electric fields. Superconducting electromagnets and then smashed together together causing an explosion of outrage but also a mission of truthicles. I mean, I feel sometimes Alistair, like the the smarter we try and make an idea sound, the dumber it becomes. and make an idea sound, the dumber it becomes. Well, and I think we might have reached a peak of... Well, I know, but I think for it to have the smart dumb duality is probably, I would say, it's an endearing property.

I hope so. Yeah, because... and it's the comparison between the smartness and the dumbness that probably may be the source of some of the human. Yes, the bitter in the sweet on the pellet that calls us the pleturable contradictions. The contradiction is that the declashing and the interplay and complementary. and it gives a backbone and a robustness to the dead, to the, the skull, the skeleton following me, there's a skeleton chasing me. I'm running. Okay, I'm running.

This is a, a, a Sibeliae, right, who it is descriptions of the taste of wine. Somehow, I have what happens? Does he contact another plane of existence? Or does he start to reveal personal truths? Or is there like... Turning my back on my dying mother and walking away down the corridors of the dusty old mansion

getting into a big shiny car, the man who calls himself Eric. I know, he's not a good man. He reveals sort of like, he gets wine terrors. That's a lot. Okay. Yeah, I mean, maybe this is a thing for like, it's an occupational hazard for some aliase,

because in order to open yourself up to the flavor of the wine and truly experience it, you also open yourself up to anything else that chooses to invade your consciousness. So it could be a sort of an evil or malignant spirit. Sure, yeah. It just happens to be in the area. For some reason, follows them around because it realizes that it kinda follows me around now because it realizes that it has an outlet through me.

It's a portal to reality, but only when I taste wild. Yeah, and but yeah, unfortunately I was semelay and I've dedicated 24 years, so I'm not gonna stop just because I say everybody else kills I mean you try going into a news agent and telling them that you can tell the difference between a 15 12 shadow ballonay and a 17 20 below shadow no oh Fran say they can't stop naming their things off of the same syllables I'm very honest it French tattoos

You know use the same syllables in the way that Mexican food uses the same ingredients ingredients Okay, so like so let's say he's he's sort of tasting a wine he goes Oh, yes Yeah, I see there's a lot of a lot of strong tenants so There's a lot of There's a lot of life in this still or can you could lay it down for another 30 years and And the demons, the demons are looking through us and they are living through us and they

want, they want to behead our children and what. And I think that might be sweaty saddle. I'm getting a little bit of sweaty saddle in here. And... I mean, yeah. That's a sketch, isn't it? I mean, if anyone, any of the listeners wants to ride in, and tell us that's not a sketch, we'll take that on board.

Yeah, we'll take it on board, but... And we'll take it off the board as well. Yeah. The board on which we write all the sketches. Yeah, we'll probably put it on another board though. We have a maybe board, whereas sketches that are kind of almost sketches, that you could consider just character pieces. Or in some cases feature films.

Feature films or entire channels? It's a, it really didn't make it as a two minute sketch, but we were able to get $300 million to make it as a sci-fi epic set across multiple worlds and featuring some of the biggest names in Hollywood. So, I mean, don't ask me how the bloody industry works. It's a mystery, isn't it? Well, it's a bloody mystery.

Yeah, mate. What about, it's a guy who doesn't know how the industry works at Channel's Demons. I was thinking, during the semelay, you mentioned the thing about Mexican food. And this could well be nothing. But is there something in somebody who is again a semelay type character? But who just tastes burritos and tells you what's in them. And it's always the same thing. I mean it's it's I'm getting sauerkrain corn and is that chili man. I'm getting as a hot sauce. Yeah, I did put that on myself.

You're right. Still, I am getting it. Write that down. I'm... Quacka moly. Beans. Beans. Quacka.

Portilla. The thing about that is, he can't even identify necessarily watching the guacamole Go to as far as saying red onion Guacamole yeah, but it could almost be simple. It could be right. I feel like he just tastes he just tastes makes him put in he goes rice mince makes it completely new goes Ross Mince Cone chip

Bates Very good and now try this one over here goes Cone chip Ross well, I do I think yours had more color so I like it as more but mean, I think I think if the while you're writing in about the previous one, please feel free to write in about this one. Tell us to shut the fuck up. I'm trying to imagine it, Elastair. I'm trying to imagine enjoying it. I'm trying to imagine enjoying it. I enjoyed. Okay, wait. So look, where are you sitting? Where are you sitting when you're trying to? I'm trying to, what I'm sitting down on a couch. So where do you normally watch your sketches like on TV or on a computer?

I mean these days I've watched them on my phone on the toilet on the toilet. Okay, so you're sitting on the toilet. I'll sit on the toilet. Okay, and so now I'm not enjoying the sketch watching experience for some reason now. It could be something wrong with me and well yeah, well my toiletics. What did you bring a lot to say? What did you eat yesterday? Well, yeah, well my tour litigues. What did you what did you what did you eat yesterday? Let's see I think it was a burrito. Okay, so you're passing a burrito. I was corn South Cray Um, I guess there's also the possibility another variation in this silly idea is a

similar like that, you know, but for subway sandwiches, but he also plays a part in the construction of the subway sandwich. He basically just takes a bite and then extra salt and pepper. Subway. Subway. I'm eating Subway. Okay. I think that's funny because it makes it even more absurd, right? I think that beats the burrito idea. Or it could be just the same guy. He's not making all his money from just being a burrito idea. Or it could be just the same guy. He's not making all his money from just being a burrito. Okay, so it's a sommelier, right? Who threw out his life, whatever he's eating, tells you what flavor he's getting, right? But it just becomes abundantly clear that it's redundant for almost anything else. Yeah, other than wine because everything else the flavors are just the flavors.

They just taste like themselves. Yeah, it's not like I'm getting chocolate cake. Yeah, it's because he's eating chocolate cake. Yeah, this is when he's breathing. What's a while he's like sleep, he sort of sleep tastes. Here, saliva. Sparta. Inner mouth. You eat a lot of those every year.

400 kilograms of spars a year. The average person is six. More than seven times their body weight It's fun While they sleep Every single night Oh The scientist who's studying that Like, it's a little guy

Are you okay who's studying the How many spiders people eat? To see how it's true And like, it's like He goes into it so skeptically There's just so much. So much spider. It's just like, he's like, oh my God, I saw one.

Oh my God, what do I do to his mouth? Like, you know, and he's just so shocked at the first one. And then it's just this stream of blood. It's just coming from every corner of the room. At some point, the person is covered. They're just black, because they're a white person. They're not normally black in this. OK.

Let's say it's a woman. I mean, we got to remember. We got to put more women in these sketches. And she's eating all these spiders. You did that, man. Yeah. Maybe it's that. Maybe that figure isn't average. Okay, so on average, people, like 20 grams of spiders a year, really it comes out to just like one or two people

who just have the worst luck. They're having like two or three kilos of spiders a dime. Yeah, that's great. It's just somehow, it's like this weird spider migration. It could be a spider. I mean, yeah, okay, maybe they live on a spider migration route. they live on a spider migration route. Yeah, look, it doesn't need to be, I mean, in many ways, it doesn't need to be explained that part. It could be, if we could come up with a really funny explanation. But if we can't, then I agree, it doesn't need to be explained. Okay.

So, it could be a spider migration route. Because you know that happens on some towns where like all these crabs Just kind of come through like the tat the town is just swarmed with crabs because they're just walking through town But now the the crabs are being attacked by fire ants. Oh, no, yeah, and and they swarm all over them so while the crabs are swarming all over the land, the ants are swarming all over the crab. Is this new ants? Giving the crabs a taste of their own medicine.

Oh yeah, what it's like to be a town that's being swarmed. Yeah. And they bite their eyes and they die and they eat them. It's horrible. Yeah, so this is just, this is an introduced species. Yeah, it's like those, it's those fire ants, those Brazilian fire ants. Are the ones that are spreading all over the world?

Yeah, so they've wound up on these like tropical islands where these crabs come out and walk across and do whatever they do. I don't know why they're walking across. Maybe it's just faster going around. I guess they're going to realize pretty quickly that you know Maybe it's just faster. I guess going around. I guess they're gonna realize pretty quickly that You know, it's just not a thing worth doing, but I guess they don't learn do they? Crabbs. Yeah

It's one of the big it's one of the tragedies of crab crabness is is is not being able to learn sort of yeah learn Yeah, you're right Okay Learn sort of yeah, learn. Yeah, you're right Okay, yeah, what were we talking about right before the Remember but I think that in a way tropical islands to crabs would be a lot like speed Roundabouts, you know there they're there you're supposed to go round But crabs like me very often drive over just drive over the top. Yeah But crabs like me very often drive over the top. Just drive over the top. Yeah Wait right before we went to crabs and ants though we were talking about something and I think it might have been a sketch And it was spider spiders. Oh, yeah

Okay, it's a lazy how these things just slip out of the brain And we descend into a sort of a puddle a paddle of sort of uncertainty and send into a sort of a puddle, a paddle of sort of uncertainty. And so, what's in the puddle? Crabs. I suppose, maybe far, and I suppose they probably would have, at some point, the Brazilians would have brought them there. Introduced them into a puddle. Somebody was just doing capoeira over this puddle,

and they would have dropped a couple of fives in there. Suppose a crab that was that was mugged. I shook them off. Do you think capawea really is a sort of a martial art dance thing? Or is that just people just trying to shake off the fire ants? Escape the fire ants. Well that would be fire ant twirling, man. I tell you what, introduced species are bad. Yes. But they're not as bad as non-introduced species, you know, because you've

been all-quid're sort of there standing there. It's clear that you know The person who was supposed to be introducing you to the species has forgotten their name and and and you're just calling the man a lot The man. Hello, dude Like that you know your mate ones ones of Badger and the other ones are you know I'm a Wolverine yeah, and they're calling each other man and dude They you know they can't ask themselves because it's the 1700s and you know Charlotte Bronties Charlotte Bronties there and she's watching in hell she's like with it with

Brontie Charlotte Charlotte Charlotte Bronte with regards to a huge dropping no not me not but that yeah he's dropping as well but man is oh yeah no she cares and so yeah these guys don't care but they don't want to upset Bronte she's this celebrity of the era is that a thing do you actually know a thing about Charlotte Bronte nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing but was she involved in Pride and Prejudice? No. No. Which one was that?

That was. Jane Eyre. No. Jane Austen. Jane Austen, very close. Jane Austen, very close. I think all of Bronti might have written Jane Eyre. Oh, yeah.

But I could be wrong. Jane Eyre could have written Bronti. Could have. Could have got who's writing whom. That's the trouble when you're on a book that's named a woman. You don't know if it's writing you or if you're writing it. This is a problem with the movie Stranger than Fiction. Right.

Have you seen that movie? Yes. So the movie Stranger than Fiction is about Will Ferrell, the man who discovers that his life is being written by an author, right, goes and meets her, and she wants to kill off his character. And he obviously doesn't want to die, but everyone agrees that the work that she's writing is a brilliant work of art. Yeah, right. And that it needs to end with him dying. And so he accepts that fate. And then she doesn't kill him off in the end.

But the entire conceit of the film, that this book that she's writing is an incredible work of genius, is undermined by the fact that you can hear bits of the book and they're clearly shit. And it's the like universal thing of movies that feature fictional art is that it's never good like music or somebody's doing a comic book or something like that. You're always like, oh right.

So I just now you've made this whole film, you can make a great film, but you're asking me to imagine that this art is good. Yeah, the only time that I've seen good art in a film like that is that they're making it. You don't realize that the person that they're making the film about was already an artist that was successful in some regard. And then they portray the person making that art and then the art in there was good and they only saw that in one movie called the syrufin.

Right, but that is a nonfiction movie, right, about somebody who actually made art. It was a fiction film, right, but it was based on the life of this woman. Right, so she was a real woman who made real art. And he was really good. Yeah. Right, so they didn't make up the art for the film. No, no, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, the only time that I could see it is not when they haven't made up the art film.

Right. So how can we do something with this as a sketch? Right. I realize it's quite a specific observation. I don't know. I agree with that. And I love that stuff. I don't know, I agree with that. And I love that stuff.

I'm very interested in that. And I've kind of, because I'm actually interested in making things that involve making art in a film TV show. Oh really? You think you could crack it? I reckon you could crack it, but you just, you need a team, you need a big team.

And because to get people to make good art would be hard. So. Okay, so do you think that there could be a sketch about this, in this about like somebody who is making a film about a fictional artist, right? And they realize that the art that they've created for it isn't good. So they just keep writing in more characters who come in and say how good the art is. Like yeah. who come in and say how good the art is. Like, maybe the studios worried that people won't think the art is good, so they get them to write in some more characters who compliment the art.

And then they're like, oh, could you make them higher status and make it seem like they know more than the audience? Ah, okay, I've watched the latest cut of the film. And while I believe the people in the film that you've written in, complimenting the art, I believe they think the art is good. I'm not convinced that those people know what they're talking about.

So would it be possible to write in some more characters who compliment those characters on their judgment? On how good? So okay, so let's say we could have like a like an academic comes in and and says oh my god you're my favorite art critic because you're the most accurate. Yes in your assessment. Yeah. Of the quality of art. Yeah I would say what is good and bad is pretty much just decided by you. Okay and and then a philosopher comes in, right, and says to the academic, there is no truth in the universe, is what I would have told you until I heard your opinions.

But recently I've changed my mind. And now I know that what you're saying is truth. Yes. Is a fixed and immutable truth in changing cosmos. Yeah. And then. And then we child and innocent child. No, no, no, then we we flip to behind reality. Yes. And we see the code of the universe, that codes the universe, that is the programming behind the universe.

Right, right, yep. And we see where, how mathematically, what these people have said is true. Okay, but then can we go outside the film now? So the camera will do some effect so it looks like it's pulling out through The screen yeah, right and then it turns and you can see the person who is watching the movie sitting on the couch Yeah, and can we have them say this is good. I'm having a good time Yes, is that is that a thing that you can put into the film?

Yeah. Because at the moment, I'm just worried we're not... We're not convincing the audience that it's good art. Because it kind of just, to me, it looks a bit daggy. It looks kind of like, like, catch, and also, I mean, like, you just had someone in the art department do it. Yeah, and I feel like if they were a good artist, they probably wouldn't be in the art department.

That is the fundamental problem, isn't it? It's that like, if you were a good artist, you wouldn't be making fake art for films. So, yeah, I suppose so. I mean, but you could get real artists to make art, but it would have to be on commission to make what you want to fit the film, right? Right, and there's very few artists whose passion is making what you want them to make to fit a film.

Yeah. Like, you probably don't get to the point in art, then high point of art. Yeah. Where? I imagine there would be sometimes where there's crossover, like somebody writes a song for a soundtrack, but it's... Right, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's interesting, but that soundtracks are

themselves an art form that is sort of made for the film, that is part of the film experience. Like, like musicals, like you'll have great songs and musicals but that's because that's what the art is. It's a song and a musical. Yeah. To be honest, the most difficult thing of all is to make something good. Yes.

And that can be where the conclusion of this sketch goes where the realization is that we're all chasing the ability to try to make something good. I mean, that's the other angle on it, isn't it, that rather than trying to convince the people watching the film that the art in the film is good, we can try and convince the people watching the film that film is good. We can try and convince the people watching the film that nothing is good. Nothing. Yeah. Or you know and that like, or that they don't know, I like who is anyone to say that anything is better than anything else or even distinguishable for

anything else. Yeah, or or or that does any value and existence at all. Yeah. with it does any value and existence at all. Yeah. I mean, something to really distract from the art, you know, something that kind of tells them what's the point of going on might be a good way. But especially if somebody's, if you could get an academic to sort of agree with the person who's saying that there's no point going on. Yeah, that would really lend weight to that. Yeah.

It happens with stand-up comedy as well, right? Like that movie, Sleepwalk with me, or I guess Sleepwalk with me is a bit different because that was Mike Bippiegli's actual comedy, although I didn't really like it in the film. But what was the other one? A Kia SUV is capable of taking you far. But when you use it locally to help your community, you go even further. Whether that's carrying cargo, bringing your team with you, ready, or navigating your terrain.

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And that was stand-up that people were making specifically for the show. funny people, the Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen one. That was stand up that people were making specifically for the show. Yeah, and it was just hard to... Whereas in obvious child, there is stand up in that, but I reckon it's the stand up that she genuinely does. Right. And I would say that I really liked it in that regard. Right. You know. And so it's it's a weird one because those people should have been like in funny people they should have

been able to make good stand-up because those people a lot of those people were either yeah or at one point were stand good stand-ups. Yes. But then a lot of them weren't and we're just like you know I think they filmed a lot of stand-up, them doing stand-up for a long time in order to even get what they got in funny people. Yeah, but also you particularly hate funny people. I do particularly hate funny people and I do bring it up often. Yeah, yeah, that's okay. The fun, new ways for angles from which to attack it.

Now do you think I should write down this thing? So, like... Have you written down the spiders on it. Now, do you think I should write down this thing? So, like... Have we written down the spiders on it? Yeah, yeah. Well, for some reason I wrote it because sometimes I'm trying to listen while I'm also writing and so that I can contribute

but I wrote spiders into the mouth research. So... Yeah, no, that's perfect. Yeah. I think that's the person who's doing that research in the spiders into the mouth. And look, it could go the way of there's like lots of spiders going to people's mouths.

It could just go the way of like like a guy who's doing this research and his life is so bored Like you're just sitting there watching people's mouths while they sleep to see if a spider goes in Yeah, right he'd be drifting off. He'd be closing his eyes. He wake up. We were like oh god to the spider go in a look Maybe I might be well write one there. He wakes up, he's got a spider in his mouth. It's just, it's just every time he drifts off. It's just a spider. Oh, you're fucking killing me again!

Yeah, but he's not also not on film, so he's not getting it. He's trying to do the research to prove that it happens to other people. Maybe, yeah. This is a thing that's played him all his life, whenever he wakes up, there's a spider in his mouth. Like, I almost did happen to everyone. Almost that, like, yeah. He's like, seven!

You eat more than seven spiders in a lifetime. I'm fucking wake up with spiders, leg hairs, legs sticking on my mouth. I wake up with seven spiders in my mouth and one morning. It's easier to just swallow them as well, because there else you have in a deal with it all, and then they're angry.

They're angry. Well, they're angry, you know, you're destroying their home by moving your mouth. Oh, you think that built a web? Well, I meant, you know, like're destroying their home by moving your mouth. Oh, you think that built a web? Well, you know, like they could be like a trapdoor spider. Do you think you could form a symbiotic relationship with a spider, build a funnel web in your mouth? You just keep your mouth open. And the spider usually catches flies and drags them in there.

And like, you know, injects them with a sort of a venom that dissolves their innards. Maybe some of that innards would drip down your gullet and your stomach. I think I could see that work. The spider was busy enough. You might be able to subsist all day. That's true. And I guess if you made yourself attractive enough to pray, if you started also kind of smelling really bad. And dressing in a way that kind of attracted dressing like one of those huge

stinking pink flowers. There you go. Indonesian rainforest. Because I mean, yeah, I guess if it's going to be symbiotic, you've got to be doing your... You're going to lift your what? Exactly. Yeah. Well, you could sort of run around, chase it, fly. Yeah. Yeah. you could sort of run around, chase it flies. Yeah. You could just, with your mouth open and they just land in the web. And all you, and that's all you got to do, and that's free food. Absolutely. That's free. You don't even have to chew. If anything, you've developed such a horrible lock jaw.

I imagine at some point you will have lost the ability to chew. Well, you don't want to chew. I don't want to chew. Yeah, I know, I know. But I also, I'm just saying that at some point, it's just great once the offer's off the table because you don't want to be, when you're in the dentist's chair

and you kind of just get that urge, like the reason why they put that little sucky straw in your mouth is because you got a swallow saliva and things like that. And so you want to be closing your mouth a lot. And so at one point, it'd be great if the body just turned off all those features. It could be a great thing to overcome. Yeah, absolutely. I guess the spider itself would have to kind of create some kind of absorb and web that takes your saliva out and maybe just drips it down your throat as well.

I mean, with any luck, the spider could be able to inject some kind of venom into your mouth muscles to make the pain go away. No, that would be nice. Yeah, hopefully not make it dissolve. Yeah, because you could just dissolve those muscles and then your mouth could just sort of hang open, slack. Or at least all the skin would kind of disappear and then it would just be bone left. Yeah.

Which doesn't feel pain. Yeah, and plus, and it kind of, it would see more spider, like spider home, like, you know, if there was just kind of an empty space there with webbing on it and like, you know, just sort of like a, like a skull you found in an old castle. This is absolutely the most horrible thing I could ever imagine.

I can't believe I'm so comfortable discussing this because this is like my worst nightmare on a really visceral level. Like I can't... For some reason I imagine you'd start carrying around a big gold sword. You know, like you got this wide open, a spider that lives in there that drips nutrients down your throat. And then you just... And then you just...

And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just...

And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... And then you just... Well, I mean, so many people are going to be looking at you and thinking that guy's got something figured out Maybe if I go and attack him, I'll be able to get his gold coin So you're gonna need a sword to thin them on or people might you know constantly be asking You know what your secret is How was your seat to success? How do you get such a thin looking mouth with a spider web in it?

But I guess, you know, I guess, as long as you look comfortable, like if you, it's not about what you look like, it's how you wear it. Now you carry this out. It's confidence. People respect confidence. And they find it attractive.

Absolutely. And it's that you do you, you know, you do you. Absolutely. And imagine if you met another woman who was doing the same thing. Oh my God, sparks. Right. And then when you went and kissed,

spotted it. Yes, spot it in between your eyes. And then their little baby spot is crawl all over your body. Yeah, like, I guess one of you would be nice if there were two eggsacks, you know, that could burst eventually and just tiny little spiders would sort of cover your body. Things like that start maybe dissolving other parts of your body. Yeah, finding other little nooks and crannies. Yeah, arm pit.

Arm pit. I'm looking at you, I'm pet. Yeah, I'm pet. And I can keep your arms up. Oh yeah, but then, oh, you could make, you know, you could make your fingers, kind of make them into like cans, into little caves. Like that, you could have more spiders in there

than put anyone in there carry your sword. But you know, you can get rid of the sword. That was holding your back. Look at that, that's the way out. Elbow, pet, knee knee pet, things like that. Just get a wheelchair. He's got a nice wheelchair. And have your legs up with the air.

Have your legs up. Like in a big vein. Oh, you can get a big webbing between there. That would be better if somebody was pushing you and running. You could catch more insects, especially if you went through like that. Who's going to be pushing you and running? Who's going to be the first to be in the first place?

I guess it says, I want wanna support what he's doing. Maybe a dude you need an intern. An apprentice? I'm an apprentice of some sort. They're running, they've got their mouth open, they've got a little spike in there. I have a little silkworm. And you just drive around, you drive around

looking for locus plagues, because that's where you could get the most amount of nutrients. That'd be like those shells of fish that used to exist in the coast of America. Like, Cod, Cape Cod, just so many fish, you could just get them with a bucket. Just get them with a bucket.

Wow. If you like that, you can do the locust to your man. But locusts, and then suddenly this guy has now, he's just taken this weird path for his life. And now he's renting himself out to farmers to just be pushed around the properties, catching locusts and feeding it to his spiders. Things like that, saving the crops that would have been... He's a hero.

Well, he's a hero. I mean, I know, but it's all in a day's work for this man. Right. You know, this is... But it's not work, because he's doing what he loves. He's not working a day in his life, but that's right. So is this could this be the seven habits of highly successful people as long as you define success in a really specific way? Like is that it?

What? Or the seven, wait, the seven habits of the seven most highly effective people, like successful people or whatever, and then you just follow each episode is a follows one person who's very successful in their specific field. And this guy, it's, by the way, it's got more horrible. It's traumatizing me more now. Wow. I'm going to have nightmares. Eventually, it's somehow, he's becoming a full skeleton, but something about the symbiosis

and the webbing and things like that is sort of replacing parts of flesh that he lost and is keeping him alive. Right. So he's, he's become, he's, he really truly, like it's hard to tell where he ends in the spider colony begins. Do you think that that could extend to his brain? Like an eventually, his brain could be completely gone. Yeah. But, you you know a mixture of web fibers and spider motions still sort of replicates The thought processes of the word he's had such as they were. Yeah, whatever they may He's gone. He's got a fair way down the path. I mean I can't.

Which is parents. So what's Johnny doing these days? Well, he has a spider that lives in the frow. And he can subsist to the droppings of the flycars. Is this the spider? But he's and slowly he's been replaced by webbing and this sort of small spiders and things. Spider-Other Spider colony. But he's doing what he loves.

Doing what he loves. How's Eric going at the bank? Oh, it's good. Actually, he's just got a... He's not lost his job, so that's all right. No, well... He doesn't love it, but it's all right. Yeah, well we always taught our kids to follow their hearts.

You know, Johnny's really done that down this all very Prank Oh, I don't know. So they wrote that down. We talked about it for so long. You've got to do something else, do So it's just spider mouth guy, right? Go

and and Andy's perpetual nightmare all the screams for eternity. So, what do you love? I had it in the midst of that something came to me. And it might have just been a moment of peace, imagining an open, grassy field or something. But then a man in a wheelchair screamed across it. I imagine he's screaming all the time.

Look at these little, like, let's say if you're in the farmer in the farmhouse and you're just like oh it's good don't Johnny can't even then you see this like We ran again in a minute Well, it's more environmentally friendly than crop dusting, you know? AHHHHHHHH of organic food If you don't want Pesticides on your Well how else are we gonna keep the locusts down? I really like the cost Well Organic

Okay, okay, okay There are I think there's more sketches to be had and possibly less horrific and more achievable ones in the area of like looking at what, how does organic farming work, right? Look, this is happening. Oh, don't worry. It's definitely happening. I'm not, I'm not deleting that. This is definitely, we have the special effects. We've got the budget. Yeah. And I've certainly got the will to bring this into reality. I insist on being the guy with the spider in his mouth and I am method. This is...

But... It's something about organic farming. Sure. Right, okay, and they don't use pesticides. Sure. Right, so how else are they to keep away the aphids? Yeah. Shock gun?

Shock gun stamping. Stamping. Yeah, all night stamping. Tiny dogs. Oh yeah, and then really big dogs. Were they hurting the tiny dogs? Really big dogs, really full sized dogs that are hurting or trying to keep off aphids. I have started, this is serious,

but this could be a thing. I have started hurting flies. I know that this is a weird thing, but because we get a few flies in our house during the summer, right? And I've been finding that annoying because they just kind of stick around for quite a while, right? Yeah, we've got one in our house right now.

It's been over three days. Oh, you should be dead by now. I've started noticing that you can hurt them. So if you open the door, yes, right, and you find it and you get your arms wide like that, you can sort of like, you can sort of guide it by just kind of creating walls around it and things like that. I imagine, like, you know, I'm just learning this from first principles, but I imagine that this is not that different from how a dog works when it's hurting a she- Yeah, arms wide.

Arms wide. It's back legs. Well, well, and then I've been like, it's been so successful. I don't even, I don't even contemplate murder anymore. Wow. On flies anyway. Do you think they've tried that with bacteria? Coldened staff infections. I think that would be a great idea.

If you could be a bacteria herder in hospitals. Or... Yeah, but he's the bacteria whisperer. I can really... Get out of here. He has these myths. He can out of here! Get out of here!

Get out of here! I can see the bacteria. I don't want you in my body any more. I can see the bacteria. I don't want you in my body anymore. Well, it's exercise and exercise are very close aren't they? Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take away. I was just suggesting that the sort of fly hurting was maybe one of the other things.

I think it is. I think he's out there maybe with his dogs. It is flies. He's got a trained sheep dog, it's a fly dog. What one I do, you can just see the dog running around in the field, you don't see the fly. No, of course not. Yeah, he's getting it out of there.

He's, what about, they find that the solution for getting a lot of the pests off of the crops is to create a place where there's a better life for them outside of the crops, you know. Right, off of them alternative housing. So they have, like they've got their own shitty little farm, but then they've got a much more successful farm next door where they encourage your look. Yeah, and maybe they've made little houses for them. They think, look, why do you feel like you need to go out and eat food that is like, you know, uncultivated and things like that? We've made something else.

Yeah, we got cook meals. We got, we got 24 hours chef. Jennifer, up the farm. Yeah. Every, every day, 5 pm, she puts on a slap up dinner, three courses for the, for the insects. There's a casserole on tonight. She's doing peas and carrots. Peas and carrots, no. She does a mean broccoli thing. It's all fried and then you've got crumbs on it and stuff. It's lovely and they love that. You know the broccoli kind of gets a nice taste

when it's just slightly overcooked. Slightly overcooked, but they're also still a little time bit crunchy in there. A little bit of crunch in there. Just to kind of keep the bloody, you know what it's called. She does a gratin. Yeah, she's doing it. Oh Is that a biscuit is the gratin? Is that those potatoes? That's potato gratin. Oh

And it's an all-white food the Corby grubs. They love that Corby is there used to they used to just eat in the raw starchy bases of the grass plants, but You put you put down a gratin. You just lay that down on the earth. And then as pull back, pull back in revealed, he's just talking to a lady beetle.

Yeah, okay. I think the alternative methods of pest control utilized by an organic farm. Because I think even within the scope of organic farming, there would be types of organic farming that are still quite brutal to the pests, to the little insects and what have you. You know, ones that play really loud,

annoying music, to drive off the aphids. And that's not fair. Absolutely. Less of this carrot and stick approach and more of this have a couple of carrots approach. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a stick, carrot sticks. And a stick, carrot sticks.

Less of a carrot and stick approach. More of a carrot stick approach, which Jennifer has up the farm there with a dip. She does a really nice one, it's kind of like a... Satsuki. It's got a nice sort of tahini one, I think. I think that's sesame seeds. I wouldn't know, I don't get half the stuff they get. They eat better than we do.

I'll be lucky you have a shaken back when I get home. I think we should just go back to yelling a beef set them like we used to personally. Get off! Get off your regular life ends! You switch on the light in the middle of the night. Oi! What do I say? It'll be any bloody oafers on that cord. Before coming out there in as an oafer, you're gonna gonna have What do I say? It'll be any bloody eye fizz on that cord. If all come out there and there's an eye fizz on it, you're gonna have a lot of talk into. Something like that.

There was one in between the two spider sketches that we wrote that I didn't get down. I'm really happy to just skip it. Look, we're on actually one, two, three, four, five, six. Bless you Oh, that felt like something came up. Oh, yeah All right, collect myself. I'm just as long as you didn't say it. That's so fun We got scientists that find the

Particle that gives things truth or falseness. Yep And then whoa something just flashed in front of me like like we had maybe come up with some idea like this before. Quite possibly. I feel like we were constantly, if we're not constantly talking about, accelerating things around the large agricultural line, I'm constantly thinking about accelerating things around the line. But also, like smashing shock jocks together somehow. Oh, we had a shock jock who transcended his physical form and became a creature of cure outrage. I believe. So yeah, that's good. That definitely sounds like a you idea. Yeah, that's I'm all about transcending my physical. Yeah, but I love one day I'm going to shed this body.

I've got bloody husk. And it will be bloody husk, I tell you. Oh, that's great. We can feed that to the bloody. It's in the bloody insects. The acids. I love that. Well, I love that. We've got a Somalia that channels a demon or that, you know, or he gets kind of, he gets wine terrors. I like to think that he opens himself up to sort of a parallel dimension or sort of an HP Lovecraft kind of darkness from these creatures. I absolutely love it. It can come through. To be these creatures. I absolutely love it. It can come through.

To be honest, he could be reality. He could be one of the seven successful people. He could be. Yeah. I think that would be great. We only need five more successful people. Yeah. And who know?

We've got four more sketches. Who knows? How many successful people will be in that? Oh, by the way, that one about the insect ants would love that sketch. I wrote down here ants. I was about to say that insect. Hands would love that sketch. I wrote down here, and so I was about to say that. Absolutely, and so would love that. Because I mean, they would get a good proper feed. They get a real look at it.

Yeah, a lot of hell. Yeah, not only would they get great, sort of either served meals or whatever the crops that we are. But other insects, to eat. From what we've discovered in this thing, they love crabs, or shellfish. And crabs are like the insects of the sea. They really are though.

They really are. Although I think that insects are a specific type of invertebrate that does not cover spiders or Oh Mike when when I say that something is a something of the something I don't in any way mean that they're Actually related sure, you know like if I was to say you are the Paul Hogan of this podcast Right, I don't mean that any way that you play golf or that you're Paul Hogan of this podcast. Right, I don't mean that any way that you play golf or that you're Paul Hogan, I don't mean that you... Does it play golf or are you thinking of Greg Norman,

the great white shark? Yeah. Somehow conflated this too. Yeah, I know, I think I always think that Paul Hogan is the Greg Norman of comedy. Alistair, we've got to get out of this podcast. We get a new in-to- deep and we're losing contact with reality. All right.

We're attracting this room. There's no more on Troxygen. But I've discovered that the later we do it, the less tired we are. That's definitely not true. All right. Then there's the Burrito Somalia, who's always going to skip that one. So the same one. Ingridians.

Skip that one. Also, that's count. Subway. Subway. Subients. Skip that one. Also that's count. Subway. Subway. Subway is almost a sketch. I think that, yeah. But I think it could just be the same guy going from from simulate job to simulate job.

Where he goes, you know Monday to Friday. Yeah, well I'll tie some, make some good food. Well on the weekends, I really get a good gig my Subway, I mean that's easy because you see them make it in front of you It's always remembering and I do parties Is there some way that like in a subway context he could be Somehow reverse engineering standards.

Like they need him to tell them what was in a sandwich. I don't know. Like if there's a really, I'm not sure. Wait, like there's something there where, like, you know, wait, reverse engineering sandwich. So it's either, like, wait, either he's tasting like a competitor sandwich and he's telling them how to create it.

Or he's, they're describing the feeling that they want to feel, right, when eating the sandwich and then he tells them what needs to go into it. Or it's this, right? Like with a chemical, like a drug, right? Say a company makes a really good drug, right? And then another company gets a sample of that drug and then reverse engineers, it does some tests to find out what chemicals went into it

so that they can rip off that drug and then make it manufacture it themselves, right? Preaching patent or whatever. So say there's a guy who goes to Subway and always gets a really good sandwich made. Okay, and he's let someone else have a taste of that sandwich one time and the person was like, oh my god, that's the best sandwich I've ever had, right. And then they desperate to know the secret of it. This guy won't tell them. So they steal the sandwich and they take it to this guy

who can taste it and then tell you what... What's in the sandwich? Exactly what was in the sandwich. Yeah. It feels like a lot of work. It's keep going. All right. There's a researcher, like I researching, you know, the spiders in the mouth, theory, nighttime people eating spiders. And then it's either that he realizes that people are eating

way more spiders than they realize. And so at first he's just shocked by one, but then he realizes all night long, there's like loads of stuff. Like maybe even like a crazy amount of spiders just pouring into their mouth. Yeah. But yet in the morning, people don't seem, they don't seem even aware of it. They don't seem bothered by it. They don't seem like and he tries to explain to you, you've eaten a lot of you goes, what? You're full of shit. I know. I know. Tistics of bullshit. Like, how would you even work that out? Yeah. And then maybe like, you know, he's nodding off. He's getting spiders in his mouth. He's seen through whatever the body, like the brain was blocking this out. I think it's, I think it's easiest to set up as being that the statistics are just skewed by a couple of people who have

haves of centers. Like from a classic, like from I can picture the sketch with that as the as the structure. Sure. And they're and they're really upset about it. Yeah. Yeah. Like even when they put a mask on or something the spiders sort of squeeze under it Like a chosen what what are they trying to get to where are they going? What is inside? It's like they die. It's like whales swimming up onto the beach Yeah, like why do they choose to come here to the inside of my mouth to die? It's some ancient urge, like salmon swimming upstream. Yeah. And I wonder what it then turns out you swallowed a fly.

Swatleta fly. Tsk. Boom. Um. Spider-mouth guy, which is this horror. I don't know if we don't need to go over that. Let's never talk of it again. He ends up working

Stomping play not plague but the legs of locust and That is definitely gonna that's got a we get made one of these days. Okay. We got a start a crowdfunding campaign Started a rovo crowdfunding campaign to take Daniel crowdfunding camp. That's great That'll take way less money And then we've got the organic alternative methods of pest control to stop pest getting on. So yeah, now I think that's, I think that's fun. Yeah. I think it's silly.

I don't think anyone gets any spiders in their mouths. I think that's a good sketch. Spider-mouth guy is up there as one of the best things that we've ever created. Should we tell people about Planet Broadcasting Network now? Should we tell them off? Let's tell them right now where we're part of Planet Broadcasting Network. Where are the Planet Broadcasting Network?

You can check out Planet Broadcasting. Yes, Planetcom. Be... Planet... Becasting. Becasting, I think. Oh,, but but if you just Google planet podcast Sorry, which is what everyone does yeah, no, we're gonna tell you the Address the address is an ht team paying a slash slash Www. Uh, semi colon

Dot to https. What was that? I don't know. I hope it's not a real thing. No, it's I hope you're not sending people to a porn website there. The goddamn What should my call deviant? Yeah And it's a fantastic network with a bunch of really really good podcasts. You could listen to others We are the least of them. I would say yeah, we're probably the least and and there's comedy There's comedy. There's a nerdy stuff. There's nerdy stuff and the least and and there's comedy there's comedy there's a nerdy stuff There's nerdy stuff and information in full and there's touching stories and there's dragon friends

It's a yeah, and I think I was just I was just because everything else was a category and then one was just a name of a thing I like to find categorization. I know, but it made it sound like it didn't, it did, it was none of the things before. Where it really probably was all of them. It was all of them. It was touching, it was comedy, it was, it was dragon friends. It was steel wars, it was all of them. Yeah.

And yeah, we, I was a check out the rest of the network. Yeah, we need to help them bump their numbers a little bit. And sling us a review on the iTunes. Yeah, do not mind. And I'm at Alistair TV on Twitter. And I'm at Stupid Old Andy. And we're at Toon Tank. And God damn it. We love you.

Cheers!