Simple Swedish Podcast - 79 - "A CONSONANT STRUGGLE"

Episode Date: May 16, 2017

Audiophile, Romyo and Julyet, Offencelympics, Man Size Virus, Navytivity, Divorced Dadcast Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here Production by George Matthews.   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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from our great mates. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank to show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas I'm Andy and I am Alistair George William, Tom Lee Virtual. Thank you very much for tuning in on your wireless radio adapter. Absolutely. Thank you for dialing us up on the old shortwave. And if you're listening to this on the record, we put out of this episode. Oh, yeah.

Thanks for bringing back old technologies and that. Yeah, vinyl is very big these days. Like, I believe in vinyl, right? I have a vinyl collection and I believe in vinyl and even I don't believe in vinyl. Yeah, I, you know, I believe in it and I also think it is complete bullshit. Like I'm, I'm, I will defend it to anyone who cares. Yeah. To challenge it. And at the same time, I hate myself. Oh, well, that's good. Yeah, it's totally pointless. And like, you can argue that, like,

vinyl equipment produces better sound. Yeah, absolutely. That's a great argument. Well, I can't tell. I can't tell. All I know is that if it does, my record player is not one of the examples of the thing that does that and none of my records are of a sufficient quality to be able

to demonstrate that effect. So, maybe like under ideal circumstances, like in space, in zero gravity or something, like that could be achieved. Lab. Maybe using superconductors? Superconductors, sure. Like, I mean, maybe if we engraved the record onto the surface of a neo-dynam magnet. Yeah, absolutely. And then read it by bouncing cosmic rays off the surface of Venus. Or maybe and have it the wires protected with a tungsten.

Yeah, tungsten, carbon. Tungsten, carbide, cabling, tungsten... ...cabired. ...tongsten-cabired. ...carbide-caveling... ...wire... ...sheath. ...and... ...then I could... ...look, to be honest, probably even...

...and if it was listened to... ...it would listen to by a flawless human. See, I think... ...I think... ...sorry, that was the... ...that was the third part of my... ...the flaws with my vinyl system is that I can't really tell the difference between any nuts. Yes. Yeah. I don't really tell the difference between any nuts.

I don't really know what music is and if I do, I don't know what's good. So my taste is ultimately, it's sufficiently flawed. So I think maybe this is where the sketch lies is that it's for, I guess it's for people who want to get better sound out of there. Yeah. Out of their record players, or you know, they want to, you know, be able to enjoy it. And one aspect of it is be better. Be a better person or don't be you. Well, well, well, could it be in a, um, in a, in a, in a record, in a high end, um, high end record store store, right?

Yeah. As you go in there and you basically get upsold to the point where they're going to replace your brain with a computer. But a valve computer, because apparently the valve is better. Oh yeah, the valve would be better. There's a warmer sound.

Or if you can just replace your brain with a valve. With a valve. Good, okay, because yeah, my brain was going to a place where it was just, they get it to a point where you can't even tell how much better it is. So, you can just hire a guy to come in who really knows what he's talking about. Oh my God. And he just tells you it's really good. I mean, you go.

That's really, really fun as well. Okay, like, I mean, this could even happen. So this is at the same shop. So part of what they can do is they can send you home with Donnie. And Donnie is just like an audio file, like he, man. He's an audio file, audio file. Yeah. And I guess, yeah, so it could be that maybe this is when they're selling them.

They're up selling them. Yeah. So this is the, like, this is the second from the top upsell. Well, we can just send a guy in. He's the best of the best. He has a near. He has a great ear. That goes in and he tells you it's great.

And that's basically all you want. Is he just want somebody who knows what they're talking about, the tell you that you've got the best. Yeah, I mean, he has been getting pretty picky recently. So he might not agree that it's the best. But that's exactly what you want to hear before he tells you it's the best. Exactly. He's like, he told me it was the best and he's been really picky. Like impossible to deal with. Yeah.

And also, if you still find that he's not And also, if you still find that he's not finding it to be the best, just give him a bit of a tap over the back of the head. I find just like a whack, just sort of can kick him into gear because he just gets a little, you know. The next level up, of course, is we could, you know, as obviously fixing the flaws with you as a listener. Sure. We could have your brain removed, have some, some vials put in, maybe instead. But then of course, just below that is also we could have Donnie's brain removed and have that replaced with vials. But obviously that is going to be hugely expensive for you, but it does involve you not having to undergo brain surgery.

Obviously. Now, you know, when we elevate Don into that level of fine attunement to the truth in music, he's no longer able to enjoy any music, because then he just tunes into the floors and the original recordings. And also the dissatisfaction of the artists themselves with their own creative beings. Oh, no, yeah. He's able to hear the self-doubt of John Lennon, even on his greatest works. Yeah, I think I would like that. I think I would like that at that.

That's the thing I want. How? And that's the best. That's the best. That's the best. That is absolutely okay. Well, once you've achieved true perfection, that is actually a state of absolute disappointment because that's when you'll be able to realize

that nothing is good, really. That's what I want. I want to be able to hear well enough to be unhappy with everything. Is that? Yeah, that is absolutely. Yeah, we can completely do that. We can remove all joy. That is the highest level of being.

That's really what these things are, right? The process of turning it into this, this, this commodity where you have to have all of this equipment to be able to appreciate something. You are systematically removing any joy from it. Yeah, you're removing the flaws from the, you know, from the, the sound equipment. And every time you do that, you remove a bit of enjoyment. Yeah, you're, you, what, as you, as you remove flaws from the things that are around you, it just amplifies like your ears in a deep dark mind. Amplifies your own disappointment with yourself. And you'll just be able to be there just in the groove, just listening to those high end headphones

and just truly, truly, deeply sad. And actually, we do have an amplifier that... Amplifies. You're in a scream. Because if you want, we could just give you an amplifier straight up. Instead of going through all this, it's just an amplifier that amplifies your lack of satisfaction with the world. Or we can just remove your frontal lobe, right? So you're no longer able to experience joy of any kind.

Yeah. And actually, we found that people who do get their frontal lobe removed do have a higher quality of drool emitted from their body. But here you go. And Donnie really appreciates it. He will slip that up. And he will tell you that that is good. It's truly, because hormones when you experience peaks and troughs of emotion obviously the hormones interfere with the the the the the drool production of the glands and you just get a better quality of drool from someone who is truly blank to all feeling and and and happiness. Thank you, Donnie. Thank you, Donnie. You like the name Donnie?

I was pretty happy. Oh, I really like Donnie. It's like a challenge. Donnie, it sounds, you know, somewhere it could be it could be Italian. Yeah. It's got a leather jacket I reckon, Donnie. Yeah, Donnie, absolutely. But I reckon he's also like a bit of a slob.

Right. Yeah, okay. Well, the way I saw him, he wasn't. He was one of those guys who, you know, you know, like a nighty guy who really believes in efficiency in terms of like getting things done and all that kind of stuff. So, I felt like you could really smell his body washer column and his hair was pretty neatly capped. But this might not be the audio file. I mean, but he is a guy who does Slurp Up. Slurp Up. The true, the true of the lobotomies.

The bottom eyes, yeah. Okay. So this is a new the lobotomytes, right? So they're like They're like the dollar mites in the Commonwealth Bank who go around and teach you about money Sense and how to use make make good use of money and the lobotomites they go around and teach you to just be a cog in the capitalist machine Yeah, right. We recommend're reconvening that. Well, what are you reconvening that house? So, I mean, what is the link between the lobotomy and being a cog? Is it just,

just because you don't think he just can shoot. But the people who teach it are called the lobotomies. Yeah, the lobotomies. I mean, I don't wanna tear you thing apart here. But, so have they been bothered? I listed it as not a lot to tear. it's a bloody tissue. It's a tissue Fuellishness and so and the people who were called dollar mates, so this is commonwealth bank was it yeah

Yeah, well there was sort of aliens there was sort of these blobby alien creatures right tentacles But they're like a they're a might they're they're still part of the might fan I think a police are a part of the might family. Yeah, I mean they were sort of almost human sized and I I think a police are a part of the might family. Yeah, I mean, they were sort of almost human sized and I I think a human sized might is just about probably the most terrifying thing. Yeah, you can imagine. Absolutely. I guess maybe maybe a human sized like germ could be pretty awful. Yeah, that's true. Like a virus human sized. What I just was just trying to imagine something more terrifying than a human sized might but yeah, yeah, no of course. Yeah I don't even really know what a virus is whenever I try and picture a virus. I just sort of end up picturing out the letter Y So really yeah wow. Oh, no like AIDS The letter Y letter Y like it's supposed to be hugely adaptable

and you just picture this Y. Well, it's like the letter Y, you know, it can be both a vowel and a consonant. It's usually adaptable. It can be two things. It's a, it's a, it's a, of all, you know. It's a particle, it's a Y, it's Y. It's Y, it's a, it's a vowel, it's a consonant.

Ha, ha, ha, why? Why did they never refer to the wave duality of life, wave particle duality of light as it's a bit like the letter Y. In fact, the symbol that we use for photons is gamma, isn't it? It's a upside down Y. It's not like a Y. It just shows you how versatile Y is. It can even be upside down.

Upside down, it's a gamma. What's a capital gamma look like? I don't know. There actually is an upside down, why else? Oh, is it a lambda? Oh, you're thinking of the lambda. Lambda? Lambda is that an upside down, why?

Yeah, yeah. And then we use for wavelength, I believe. So, we're back on the waves. That's the thing that light has. Why? Wow. This thing is connected. Oh my God, Andy. Why? Wow. My thing is connected. Oh my God, Andy.

Is this something? The secret is real. Is this some way we could do something with the val consonant duality of the letter Y? Yes. But what? What? And who could possibly be happy with the thing

that we produced? I mean, linguists are going to be furious. You know, you know, particle physicists are going to be up in arms. Who's going to like this? Only idiots. I think I know, but idiots who are into very basic concepts of... Yes, quite high end. But I think maybe they're possible even misinterpretations of quantum physics. No, yeah

Very Misinterpretations a very high end concepts. I don't know Anything about quantum physics, but that's quite a quantum physics thing to to feel about quantum physics You know, I sort of will quite vague on all of the feel about quantum physics, you know, I sort of quite vague on all of the details of quantum physics, which I think is the most quantum physics you can be about quantum physics is about. It is just tells you that you can't know it. Can't know it, so I haven't really bothered to try. I know, I just have a bit of an expert. I know why.

I get invited all these conferences. Don't go, I might learn something, ruin it. Okay. What are we talking about? Okay, so look, I don't know, the vowel, constant duality, the little Y. I mean, it's, I don't know that it's enough to hang anything off, Alistair.

It's just a weird little thing. It's a weird little thing. I guess it could maybe appear in some kind of story where... Where the... You know, it's like a kind of... It's maybe... It's kind of like a Romeo and Juliet touch situation. Because it's both a vowel.

You know, it's part of the vowel family. Right. It's also part of the consonant family, but it's in love with itself No, no, no, it's probably that But the two families don't approve of it masturbate Like that, and then he just got that one arm just for whacking itself Like that. And then he just got that one arm just for whacking itself off. Just got two arms. No, it just uses it's one arm to kill itself at the end.

Why did you have to go? Oh, um, my consonant struggle. You know, should I write that down? I took a solemn vow. My consonant struggle. My. You want to sit there right there, damn? I took a solemn vow. No. My. You may now exchange vows. I, okay.

I mean, I don't know how we tied into some sort of Romeo and Juliet. I think that's, I'll say it, I mean, sure we had fun, but at what cost? That's ridiculous. Is it not, is that like, if it's something as stupid and ridiculous? Yeah. Is that not what humor is? Yeah, I guess, but, but your idea requires us to just take it a huge leap of faith at the very start that I don't, like I'm willing to go with you to that place that I was there. Maybe even some of the listeners,

but I don't know that you could put this to any kind of an audience and they would cover with anything other than Baffelman. sure, but is it not a reward for those who are willing to go with something? No, I see. So this is like in Indiana Jones in the last crusade, where you've got to take that leap of faith, and it turns out that there's just a bridge there. But maybe I think it's more like a...

An invisible bridge. No, it's in more like a Peter Pan. Oh yeah. And on a hook, in hook where the kids are eating the invisible food, but they have to believe. Right. So this is invisible comedy. It's invisible comedy. It is there.

Yeah. Everybody's laughing. You've just got to start to laugh and then you'll get it. Yeah. And then you'll see the jokes. I mean, in a way that is comedy though, isn't it? Yeah. Well, you just have to believe that it's funny. You kind of have to want. You kind of have to want it a little bit. Yeah. Because I mean, if you're a 55 year old man and you're

sitting in the front row of my show with your arms crossed, you sort of, comedy doesn't exist for you. Yeah. I'm sorry. There is no enjoyment left. You just have to believe, Peter. That is actually where Peter Pan ended up ended up just sitting in the front row of your comedy show yeah all right is it is it what we talked about something a bit to do with the the alphabet a while ago which was coming up with it with a was it to trying to remember the alphabet by coming up with a, was it to trying to remember the alphabet by coming up with a mnemonic or was that someone else's joke?

That was somebody else's joke. Somebody else's joke. I was considering coming up with a way from one to nine, coming up with a mnemonic for teaching a child the order of one to nine. Right. Because you know, like often, you know, kids that are like almost two or something like that. We'll know some of the numbers, but they'll go eight, nine, two, three. Yes. One.

Like that. Yes. And so something for teaching them. Could you use that child as a random number generator? Because obviously generating truly random numbers is an important part of cryptography. Yeah. Right. So that's the, that's the, would you be willing to sell your son into whatever it is?

Yes. Whatever sentence ending is there? Yes. Um, um, no. Okay. So what would a mnemonic look like for numbers? Because Alistair, you're already again, I've said a very silly thing. So, what is it? What do you mean? Okay, well, how do you teach? Okay. I guess.

Because a mnemonic is like, you come up with a word that starts with that letter. So, do you have to come up with a word that starts with that number? You have to come up with a word that starts with one. Maybe, or you could use the visuals of it. So you could sort of teach it, like you go, all right, well now one is sort of like a, it looks kind of like a thin person, right? Let's say a ballerina, a ballerina

who's in the standing straight position. Number two. Looks like a swan. Looks like a swan, right? Swan like. So, don't get ahead of me here, mate. Three. Three.

Looks like I said a boob on that side. That ballerina was a woman. Bit of boob on the side. Okay. Side boob. Side boob. Referring to the number three as side boobsters. Is that funny? Or is that just disgusting?

Is it disgusting? Is it disgusting, Alice Deer? referring to the number three as side boobs. I don't know if it's disgusting. Okay. Just in that, I think that word should at least have some resemblance of its former meaning. I mean, it's your good news.

I'm using it. I mean, sure, I mean, like if what you mean is if can somebody find a way of getting offended by you saying side-boob? Yeah, but that doesn't mean that. People are very good at that these days. Absolutely, absolutely, but disgusting is different. Is the, is a, is taking offense?

Is that gonna be a, a part of the, the Olympics? Taking offense. Taking offense. Taking offencing. So to, to be, but like, what would it be? Would it be like a speed round? Or would it be sort of like a creativity round and how you take a Well, I think I think maybe like it would be like like like with make gymnastics, you know, you get awarded different points for different things

So obviously you know yet The level of difficulty is factored in yeah speed yeah agility Mental agility great, and so and so are people just kind of like are things to get offended at sort of lobbed up in the air kind of like the pigeon, the clay pigeon shooting and then people have to just get offended the most accurately and the most quickly. Yeah, yeah. Or is it more like a sort of like a gymnast kind of floor mat routine in which there's just something

That you're getting offended about and you're just kind of doing these twists and turns and how you could be offended And you've just got a routine prepared. Yeah, I think I think maybe a prepared routine Is is is quite good. So a song starts to play and then you get offended at the song Yeah, yeah, great. So there could be that and then there could be an improvised round as well, which is like where you is more response-based to various stimuli and that sort of thing. Sure. There could be like a cross-country one where you've just got to run through a bit of woodland and get offended by that. Wow, yeah. I mean, when we're able, when we get to the point where we can be offended by nature,

I think that will be quite good. Absolutely, that would be a gold medal performance. Yeah. So that kind of almost makes me think a little bit of that winter Olympic one where you kind of cross country skiing for a bit, you know, and then you shoot something and then you go back to cross country skiing and then you kind of learn to use a crossball. The decathlon or is that the decathlon? I think that the decathlon is in the regular Olympics. Right. That's where you do 10. I think that was

um, Caitlin Jenner's uh, things. Yeah. Um, I think, I think, I think something to do with getting offended. I do like look look the floor routine type thing where you start you're standing in the middle of a mat kind of thing. Yeah, and then a song starts to play. Let's say it's that blurred lines or something like that. And then you start to get offended at that song in various ways. But I think that's almost too easy, right? Sure, but you know, these are kind of the things you're picking the level of difficulty of the song. So I mean, you could be, you know, you could have Elvis Presley's hand dog plan, right?

And so then that's kind of slightly more, because then you're like, well, what am I getting offended here that here that a guy is? I guess it's cultural appropriate. I guess there's cultural appropriation. Is it offensive to dogs? That you're is he singing to a woman? Yeah, I'm all the time. Why is she crying crying is he or is he is he saying it to a man? Is it bad? Why are you saying that it's bad for a man to be crying? Or that it's bad for a man to be a dog. Yeah.

Or bad for a dog to be a hound. Yeah. Why are you saying it's bad to be? Yes. Why is it bad to be only one thing, ain't nothing but a hound dog. Why is it a problem that he has a single particular essence and he's chosen to identify as a hand dog? Okay.

Does he have to have a second ulterior identity? Like is that, you know, he doesn't believe in another version of himself. There's not, there is no higher. Well, then, and so then why are you saying that being multiple things is good? Is that some kind of, are you in some way condoning multiple personality disorder and glorifying it? And is that good for people in the health industry who are now going to be swamps? Yeah, bye, bye. You ain't never caught a rabbit. Now, is the fact that we have become divorced from nature

and from the ways in which animals have been slaughtered for our own carnivorous needs? Is that, is to put that into the very context of a song therefore making light of that inherent cognitive dissonance that affects modern society. And is that going to make people less likely to take such a thing seriously in the future? That's right.

Is it going to lead to more or less green spaces in cities for people to get some of that access to nature? And then at the end, you sort of take a bow and then some touches. You ain't no friend of mine. Well, if you think that's the case, then I tell you, you ain't no friend of mine. Thank you.

Look, I'm gonna just write down off and just write, you just write down, Elishtier. I still think that the idea itself needs to be because, you know, at the moment, we've got an interesting combination of things that like we, you know, we're supposedly playing this song and then we're also got this flurry teen. You'd almost want to have some sort of physical element, but then this person is talking as well. There's a lot of stuff going on, a lot of moving parts. It might be hard to pull off and we might have to simplify it in some way. I don't, yes, yeah.

But, you know, I think maybe if they're a person who's given only a single piece of stimulus, right, and then they have to remain offended for as long as possible, right, and get as much offense out of that as possible. So, like, if, for example example they were given the number three, and they just had to get offended at the number three for a minute. Sure. Well, I guess another aspect of the number three

is not only does it kind of look a bit like boobs, which is not in itself offensive, but if you look at it from the inside, it kind of looks like, I mean, I'm not saying itself offensive, but if you look at it from the inside, it kind of looks like, I mean, I'm not saying that it does cup asses, but it looks like it's set up to perfectly cup asses. Cup asses. You know, which can be with or without permission.

And so I'm just saying to have formed something for that sole purpose, does seem a bit dull. Three is the magic number. Why? Well, why is three the magic number? Because that is the basic unit of the nuclear family, which excludes any alternative interpretations of family as you know. Had a real normative.

Indeed. And also, why are you being magic when in a world where there probably requires more logic? You know, some of these weird magic beliefs kind of are probably leading us to... I hire understanding. No. You're a worse lower understanding. No, no. Ah.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average and auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Multitask right now quote today at progressive.com. Progressive casualty and trans company and affiliates, National Average 12 Month Savings of $744 by New Customer Surveyed, who saved with progressive between June 2022 and May 2023.

Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all safe and situations. The same amount of understanding. Or to say that things are higher or lower is wrong. Yeah. Because everything's the same. I had somebody a comedian tell me a joke and I can't quite remember exactly what it is. Yes.

Good. But I liked it and it was something to the effect of You know, I don't make jokes about And on any kind of mentions like it's kind of like a comedian being high in mighty. This was Nick Kwan Who told me oh, yeah, very funny guy. Yeah, and he was saying I don't make jokes about you know You know people And he was saying, I don't make jokes about, you know, people like who are gay or people who are disabled or people who are, you know, colored or whatever like that, because I don't punch down. But he's saying it as a joke.

Wow. Yeah. But this idea that, yeah. I never thought about that before. But that by saying that you would do that is you're putting yourself above them. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. And obviously, I mean, I just, Man, he's clever. Yeah. Now, obviously now we can't do anything with that because I just told you it's somebody else's joke. So. If only you hadn't told me and then we could have just said it and then I could have said great And then you could have written it down and then we could have moved on that's true

We would have been now. We're just sitting here thinking about how great Nick Corners That's true. That's not gonna get anyone anywhere and but you know what any one. Yes. What's amazing about Nick Juan, all right, is he from Tasmania? He's from Tasmania and For some reason his name makes me think that he would be from Asia. Yeah. And yet he's from Tasmania.

Tasmania. And then name that certainly doesn't make you think he's from Tasmania. No, no, no, no. I mean, what would make him like, you know, okay. He's a good name. Nick from Tasmania. Nick from Tasmania.

Nick surrounded by water. Yes. Namely bass stripe to the north. Yeah. Even sort of slightly weird. Like if it was Nick slightly weird. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Nick, the artist formerly known as Nick Van Damen's land. formerly known as Nick Van Damen's Land. You made a weird face when you said that. It was something that the people, the podcast listeners are really missing out on. Now, back to a virus that is the human size. I guess we've been meaning to try to get back to that for ages. Would you still have microbiologists feeling with it? Okay, that's good. Would we have to build a really, really big microbiologist?

Hmm. Several billion times larger than a normal person so that relatively speaking, you know, could still perform microbiology on it. I think that's really, or would it be their job? Like if virus is gone human size, would it be their job? Like if viruses got human size, would it be their jobs to sort of slay the viruses? That's what exactly works. Yes, go around and punch them today.

Yeah. Because I feel like if it's going to be anyone, they're first in line. Yeah. I mean, first of all, there weren't any viruses that were that big before you guys came along. Right. So this is some kind of super bug. This is like, this is a reason as a result of viruses and some kind of antiviral resistance.

Yeah, I feel like we kind of left it in their hands. Yeah. And they failed. And therefore they're the first to be slain or save us. They could save us. They could be the first to save us. So, okay, so really big virus, right? And then it fundamentally changes the nature of microbiology,

to now be really quite a hands-on at least. It's more a first-person shooter kind of a trolling down. Yeah, mostly microbiologists sort of, they have a lot of hunting knives on them, and sort of bandanas, dirt on their cheeks. A lot of dirt on their cheeks. So there's those belts that have bullets along there. But bandalilla, is that a bandalilla?

I love that. I'd love if it was. If it's not, I'm using that word for something else. Yeah, that's great. It could be a good name for my bandalier. Oh. Well played. I don't even know if we mentioned the thing we were talking about.

Oh, yeah. Well, we were talking about things that are a good name for a band. Yeah, great. And that's one of them. That's really good. And how saying things are a good name for a band. Yeah, great. And that's one of them. That's really good. And how saying things are a good name for a band is an overused form of comedy. Absolutely.

But I think I might have got away with it. I heard somebody say recently that the gorillas are called that because a group of gorillas is called a band. Really? Anyway. Well, that's quite good. Yeah. I thought it was a troop, but maybe that's monkeys.

Oh, no, you're thinking of a group of people who do improv. Oh, monkeys. Yeah, I called the monkeys. So, hang on, what were we just saying? Like robiologist. Okay, so it's almost like an inverted version of, isn't there a movie called like inner space?

Is that the one where they go inside somebody's body? Well, like there's a movie where they shrink down, oh, no, fantastic journey, I think fantastic journey is where they shrink down and they go inside someone's body. And then they're confronted with germs and stuff like that and they have to sort of fight them off and that sort of thing.

It's like that, but instead we made the germs really, really big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think magic school bus also visited that idea. It certainly did, yes, but I was trying to appear high-brow. I don't want people to think that I remember the magic school bus like a nerd who remembers the magic school bus on the stair.

Good. That would be embarrassing for me. I think they did really well. Magic school bus, it was educational. I'm sure. The lady. That teacher, she was me. I think they did really well. I'm actually school bus. It was educational. I'm strong. The lady. That teacher. She was hot. Was she?

I know that wasn't the... I just remember being into her. Yeah, that's cool. I think probably because she was a good educator. She was a good teacher. I might not love an educator, but... She could really teach me things about other things. I love a woman with a pedagogy.

Pedagogy. Pedag with a pedagogy. Pedagogy. Pedagogy. Yeah, okay. So now how can we make this slightly funnier? Well, I mean, already I like the idea. Yeah, I don't think, I don't, and let's see, let's not worry about making things funnier.

Okay. I mean, once we start doing that, we're in a whole lot of trouble. Okay, it's big viruses, okay? Yeah. It Okay, it's big viruses, okay? Yeah. It could, it's, is it like a sort of a man in black kind of a thing where someone's a very good microbiologist and then they get taken aside by the other microbiologists and they have it revealed to them that a whole lot of the people they think of people around them are just big viruses

Well, see I almost feel like it's a The people who are microbiologists fighting the huge viruses. Mm-hmm It's really done out of a societal guilt like in that right everybody else since in society is kind of like Like it's almost there's been a draft, but it's not a draft, it's just, it's a draft out of, this is their responsibility. And so nobody who is not a microbiologist is doing it currently.

Nobody who is not a microbiologist feels bad that they're the ones that have to fight them. Because everybody agrees that it's their fault. And they have to do it. They should have done good, that they should have dealt with this. And so they have to do it. That's quite nice. That's quite nice. That's quite nice. That's quite nice. That's quite nice.

That's quite nice. And so they have to fight and defeat these things in order to get back their societal standing. So they can come back and just be a part of society again. Yep. And so at the end of the nightly news, it's like another 17 micro-biologists died fighting human-sized viruses today. Yeah, and at least, I guess the one benefit of these giant super bugs now will be that

at least if they are in a sort of hospital sink or whatever, they'll be much more visible. You'll know about it. You'll know, because that golden staff will be kind of like, you know, sort of taking a spray and things like that. it. Trying to grab you. You just close the door. Yeah. I mean, how would viruses then affect humans? Like what threat do they pose once there is big as smothering or taking our jobs? They could take our jobs. Yeah. But also, you know, they could just be on your leg. Yeah, slow you down. Because, you know, like, golden staff, a huge golden staff,

sort of wrapped around your leg. On your leg, sort of like a three children. At some point, I started to imagine them no longer as being big human-sized viruses, as I've started to just imagine them as being like humans, but with weird clothes and a bit of face paint. No. And they're just quite irritating. No, they're big blobby.

Like for some reason I see a lot of them in my mind as just giant micro like single-celled organisms. Right. Can they talk? I don't currently have them talking in my head. Okay. But I mean, if they do, it sounds like they're, they've got a lot of water in their mouth.

I think I think like you know that would be the next step you know in their evolution is getting is the ability to talk and to try and you know very basically sort of reason with us. Is it statins? What are the manipulators? No, not statins. What is a statins a thing? What is a donaldi? Is that the thing that you keep saying that people get elongated? I don't say that. There's the thing tell a me is that probably said that. Okay, tell a me is that the one that's the thing I keep saying. You probably said it in the last seven podcasts. You keep mentioning elongating tell a me. It's great. I love it. Don't thank you. It sounds

really informed. I think I read the same article that does some lady who's attempting to increase the length of her life. Anyway, there's a thing that bacteria have that they can pass parallel to each other. And so there's the bacteria itself and then they have these extra like chunks of DNA that give them skills. Right. And I can't remember what they're called. They're like great. I don't know if they're statins, they're called something like that. And they can pass them from one to another. Obviously, once they get too many, it's also an evolutionary disadvantage because it slows them down. But if you get a bunch, you can build resistances to things and things like that.

It's not crazy. Yeah, and so I imagine that these viruses or human-sized bacteria at some point might just have one of those that they can pass to each other, which is just a mouth. Or at least the way that shaping their single cell into a mouth. Once they get to that kind of size, they become almost like a Mr. Potato Head. Plugging on and off these different statins to have different ears or whatever. Yeah. If you're a microbiologist or a regular biologist or you know anything about biology or

you use Google, let us know what the name of that thing is. And whether or not a giant virus would be anything like a mr. potato head. Yeah, but Please find a way to break it to us lightly that I'll look we just want it to be like a mr Potato head, so just find a way that it can work for us Don't tell us that it can't and if it is and if it can't and if it really can't please don't just tell us privately Tell us in the DM all right, we won't bring it up again. Don't embarrass us publicly.

What is the most reputable body, Alistair, that could be doing the most embarrassing, possible like Christmas play or something like that? Right, like Red Cross? The Red Cross, I think that's quite good. Okay, like, because what I want is I want a organization that really, A, shouldn't be giving their time to this, right?

That B would be really undermining like the dignity and the gravitas of their, not only their profession, but also their mission in life. And then I want it to, as well, I want it to be a thing that then gets in the way, like that they are prioritizing this things, this Christmas pradgin or whatever, this nativity play, you know,

that they're doing at their organization. Like the UN? The UN, I guess the UN is pretty good. Stuff that kind of gets in the way of them that are helping people. Yeah, so like as well as trying to get emergency relief aid to Rwanda, they are like at the same time and with the same level of urgency, trying to organize

a costume for Stephanie to be the angel of the North. Okay, yeah. And you know, people complaining and they're rehearsing things and they're having to move around meetings with various, you know, and they're having to move around meetings with various, you know, relief bodies. I mean, this is a weird... To make rehearsals. Just to make it smaller. What about like the flying doctor service? So it's in rural Australia.

For people who don't know about this, there's just, you know, people who live in very far away places and they don't have doctors in their area Far flung far flung places. So there are some doctors that can fly from place to place in planes in planes small planes Yes Maybe a Cessna Cessna be a classic plane are going to fly somewhere in maybe an ultralight. They don't that wouldn't do that They wouldn't do an ultralight ultralight light? No. But they might fly through the ultra

night. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Yeah, okay. So, I mean, well, I mean, but once you bring it down to that, kind of a level of the of the flying doctors, it's it's almost sort of plausible that this would be happening, right? And then it becomes much more of a character piece and much more about these individuals and their quirky decision to do this. Unless we incorporate some element of the fact

that they are the flying doctors, right? So are they doing this performance like in their plane somehow, like taxing around being different. Is it sort of like a plane-based nativity play where they're doing it in the sky? In the sky, I suppose, but I mean, that's hard. You can't plausibly get planes close enough together. I'm just trying to picture how you,

as a plane representing the Virgin Mary, cuddle a plane representing baby Jesus, or an ultra light representing baby Jesus without killing baby Jesus. That's true, yeah. I guess you would need a number of helicopters, one to play a donkey, one to play a sort of, you know, a crash.

Right, so they're not, they're not cradling baby Jesus, but maybe they are sort of air lifting baby Jesus who's represented by a tank. Maybe they could be refueling baby Jesus. Okay. I think, okay, I think, I think, what if it's the naiv, and then we can get a compromise here.

Let's get it's the Air Force. It's the Air Force. Doing their annual, like, just planning their annual Nativity Air Show. Yeah. Okay. And then, like, it's all, because any of the, anything like that, sort sort of like anybody trying to tell a story with like with fire works Yeah, it always gets so abstract and because the point is just like What you've got a such a limited range of things you can do with fireworks like in the movies

So in in Lord of the Rings right when they are telling a story with fireworks, there'll be a firework that's a dragon that actually eats a firework that's a prince. Right? But if we do that in the real world, it'll be one big red firework and one small white firework. And you'll be like, oh, the dragon is eating the prince. And maybe at the end, you could do one of those ones where you, they've managed to make one that makes a heart shape or something like that. Yeah, that is the best we've done. That is the closest thing to an actual readable symbol with any meaning, except for like a lot of fireworks and a little bit of firework. We are very good at telling the story of the time.

There was a lot of fireworks and then a little bit of fireworks. And at the end, a heart-shaped fireworks. And then also we've got really good at telling people the point where you can go home now because there are no more fireworks. I mean, you could mix up, I mean that could be a part of this discussion where they want to be able to use more range of emotion in this thing. So they want to try to have fireworks up there, but then they're like, but we also do have helicopters in the air representing different things. I think just an air force, nativity, sky nativity thing. Nativity, sky, nativity thing. I mean, you know, if it's the Navy, it could be the Navy Vittivity.

At the... Native... Navy. Native... Navy. That one. Navy, T-V-T. Navy, T-V-V-T.

Don't be the right down to Navi VVT. Don't we write down Navi VVT? No, no. No. And look, we just hit five. We just hit five. And boy, I mean, what a five. Yeah, what a five today, we got a next level audio file, brain valves and Donny. That's, you know, that's up there. I think that's pretty good. That's something. Yeah, I think just. awesome yeah I think we got my consonant struggle it's it's Romeo and Juliet but but all with Y and and so it's the Y that's part of the vowel family and Y that's also part of the

consonant family and they don't approve of it masturbating neither of its families approve of it loving itself. And so they just stop it and they yell why a lot. Yeah, I love it. And then at the end, yeah, it's that one arm from masturbating off its one, you know, it's other little extremity. Then we got the offense limpix, which is getting offended has become a sport at the Olympics. And look, I don't... I think getting offended is fine. I'm not trying to say it's wrong to get offended about things. You're just recognizing that people are getting better at it.

Yeah. I'm celebrating, you know, the higher, faster, stronger, more offended. Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, Doom, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go into that too early. Anyway, we got man-sized wires battled by microbiologists. Yeah, great. Okay, so this is their mistake.

This is the thing that does. Yeah, this is their burden to fix. Yeah, you wanted to go into a nice field like that. Well, there you go. Yep, you thought they'd be good money in that, didn't you? You thought you'd cure something? No, I don't know. I don't know if biologists think that there's gonna be good money in biology

Well, if they're gonna farm a surgical's Yeah, if they go to pharmaceuticals, but I think they all feel a little bit bad about that So this isn't even you know, this isn't even just the the the microbiologist working in drug research who failed to come up with a cure for viruses who are being forced to go out there and battle them Hand to fist. No, no, these are also the ones that are in the first place. This is also the ones who are just at universities These are just the academics who are researching different ways place. This is also the ones who are just at universities, these are just the academics who are researching different ways in which they can combine or, you know.

And these are also all the armchair microbiologists, they probably have some subreddit that they all hang out on. Right, all the ones who got a microbiology degree, but then went into banking. Yeah, this is anybody that's ever shown an interest in microbiology. You had knowledge and you didn't stop this. Yeah, I think, well, I think obviously,

like once, as we start to go through the top tier microbiologists and they start to die off, we're gonna have to look deeper amongst us and find out who are the people who are really microbiologists? Yeah. Have sort of been living amongst us and hiding their microbiology. They become the lowest ranking people in the world.

So then there's like, they're just ponds. Yeah, they're the ponds, like, you know, there's like, I don't know, sort of like murderers down near the bottom, you know, and anybody who's done any kind of awful stuff like that and below that will be microbiologists, you know, and above them will be sort of like, you know, I mean, like, I don't have a problem with drug addicts But I'm just saying in terms of the way the general pop populous treats them. They're low ranking. Yeah, you know Then there's circus folk. No, anyway, that was joke. We're comedians are below circus folk Shout out to Shay anyway. Well circus folk, I think have a lot of

Like physical skill, right? Oh, yeah, they. Very often quite strong and good at machines. That's quite a useful skill. They're good with machines. The thing is that a lot of circus folk, you see them using things like bowling pins, right? But if you give them a digger, imagine the kind of stuff they could do with a digger. So when I said circus folk, I was picturing carnies who like set up, set up like spinning, you know, rides and that sort of shape. And you were picturing like a clown or something. Yeah, circus. So when I said they're good with machines, you thought I was an idiot.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I already, you know no you were right though yeah and then we have the Air Force Sky Nativity yeah I think there's all solid ideas today yeah yeah that's all right yeah I like them I look to be honest I think there's a movie in all of them how do you reckon any of those sketches ants would like? It's okay to say none. No, I'm not going to just quit that. I think, look, I think...

I think they might appreciate the giant virus thing because they would look at that and would be like, you know, maybe there's hope for us. Yeah, absolutely. And imagine if we were really big. Oh yeah, of course. And also, I think the Air Force Sky Nativity. Yes, and... I just think that there's often ants that

probably are on planes when they take off. Wow. That is definitely true. And, you know, as far as their lives go, that is a great, like that is basically a greater thing that can happen to an ant. Closer to the good, you know. But I also reckon an ant could fall out of a plane and be fine. Yeah, I imagine.

I think that would basically be what you would want to do if you're an ant. Cause I mean, what you like, air would slow you down so much. Yeah. How good would that be being an ant fall from this? Just freefall as an ant. It's freefall. And it would take so long to cut in a current. Yeah, your terminal velocity would be like, you know, walking pace.

Yeah, you probably, it probably be negative terminal velocity. You probably just go up forever. Just go up. In space. I don't doubt they even need to breathe. I think they'd probably do quite well in the darkness. Do you think an ant can even suffocate? Are they immortal?

In space, no one can hear ant scream. Yeah. That's true. And on that. Smell their fur mones of distress. Mm-mm. Fero mones. Fero mones.

Fero mones. Fero mones. Fero mones. Fero mones. Fero mones. Thank you guys so much for listening to the show. We had a bloody blast today. We have a bloody blast today.

And, you know, we'd love it'd love it if you pursue this online. Follow us, find us on the Facebook, to the Think Tank Twitter at Toon Tank. Alistair TV is my Twitter. I'm a stupid old Andy. You can check out Planet Broadcasting, their network that we are a part of and all these other excellent podcasts

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And you do see fit give us a review on iTunes. Thank you so much. And you do see fit. Yeah. Oh really no I know like I know I never want to do it when somebody says this and I and to be honest I never zone out more than when somebody is saying write a review, but write a review I'm just I'm talking to you like like picture. I'm your dad and that this would be the one thing that would make me proud Picture you know picture your he's your your else your dad and that this would be the one thing that would make me proud. Picture, no, picture your, he's your, your, your, else your dad, right? And I mean, things really haven't been going well for him since Marmel F. And he is desperate for anything. And, and you never really felt connected to him.

And now he needs this one thing from you. I just did one thing. Just like, you know, throw him a bun. Because your mom's just actually like, she's dating again and she's doing really well. That's got nothing. I have nothing. That's just got a podcast. Yeah. And I mean, he just needs a, he just needs a positive review. Anyway, I hope this doesn't sound pathetic.

Thank you. How could this possibly sound pathetic? Thank you so much for listening. I think there's an almost a sketch in there. I think your divorce dad trying to convince you to leave a review for his podcast. And I mean, yeah. That's great being written down. It's being written down guys.

And see that is why you've got to listen to us beg for reviews at the end of the show because sometimes in there is something really good. And maybe one day I'll admit to that murder I did. So that's why you've got to pay attention during these otherwise seemingly boring bits of the show. Because you never know what you'll find. Bloody Easter eggs. Alright. Thank you so much for listening to the show. Because you never know what you'll find. Plenty Easter eggs. All right, thank

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