Two In The Think Tank - 81 - "GRAND CONSPIRACY THEORY OF EVERYTHING"

Episode Date: May 30, 2017

Hypophopia, God's comeback book, Twiddling, Applied Conspiracies, GCTOE, Whack Off A Mole, Hivocracy Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here Production by George Matthews. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Bung Bung Bung hole Hello and welcome to two in the think tanker show where we try and come up five sketch ideas I'm Andy and I am Alistair. Oh Man there was an episode recently where I was eating some chocolate. And I listened, I happened to listen back to just, I switched it on just at the point at which I heard my mouth eating a chocolate. And I would like to apologize for everything.

Well, Andy, don't worry, because I think you are the person who is the most sensitive to that kind of thing. I mean, probably not. I am sensitive to it and I thought I was better than that. And turns out, Andy, you are one of us. You are one of the scum, one of the slime, one of the... How do we come back from hypocrisy?

It seems like everything these days, every political discussion, eventually, you'll be able to find the other person being hypocritical in some way, and then what's the fucking point? Oh, well, once you hit hypocrisy, then you ask for forgiveness. But people don't refuse to. They don't refuse to want. No, people refuse to ask for forgiveness.

People won't accept the hypocrisy or whatever, but like it just ruins everything. Yet they tell people that they should ask for forgiveness. Exactly. Well, that was my idea, was that the only real hypocrisy that's left is pretending that we're not hypocrites. We're all hypocrites. That's the last one. That feels like it's one of the first ones.

Oh, really? Yeah. It's like the oldest job in the world, but it's the oldest hypocrisy in the world. I think we should just all admit that we're hypocrites, right? And that nothing that we say reflects anything that we do. Okay, and then we can just ignore the things that people, well, one or the other, we can choose to either ignore the things that people say or the things that people do.

Hypopride. Hyp, thank you. Yeah, hypopride. So it's a group of people who are all hypocrites. Hypocrits, they meet up. It's like, it's like group of people who are all hypocrites. Hypocrites. They meet up. It's like alcoholics and onumists, except that there's no shame. Yeah.

It's a whole people who are just like, yeah, I'm a hypocrite. And I'm sick of having to apologize for it. Yeah. And I want, and other people should be apologizing for not being hypocrites. They are the ones who are really the hypocrites. Yeah, because they,

but there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong, except when you don't accept it. You know, and I accept it. I'm a good guy. I should be proud. My dad should be proud. So at a hypocrisy rally, what happens at a hypocrisy rally?

Okay, the carrying signs, what does the signs say? Well, they've got their flag is, it's like a no flags banner. It's like a flag, so you go, you know. Yeah, okay, that's, man, down with flags. Down with flags, yeah. Okay, great. Yeah.

I'm on board, Alistair, write it down. All right. I've got no time to talk about this now. The sketch is already perfect. The flag says down with flags. The sign says, I wish I, this is a flag. The, the, the, the, when the down with flags sign a yelling at the person whose sign says this is a flag.

Yeah. No, they're not. Well, they are, but they aren't. They like it because it's hypocritical. Yeah. But they don't like it because they're anti-flag. Yeah, and the people with, you know, I guess with banners, other things, you know, the big banner that they can have like, you know, you don't need to cooperate with people, but you know,

that's what it says in the banner, but then there's another person carrying you this out of the banner. Yeah, they're all linking arms. They're all linking arms behind the banner, and they say, we stand behind this banner, but they're all in front of it. They're all in front of it, and they say we stand behind this banner, but they're all in front of it They're all in front of it and you can't read it. Yeah, what about your hypocrites? I mean obviously not all the hypocrisy is limited to sign and flag and visible banners and placards Yeah, they're also they're also real hypocrites in their lives

Yeah, in their lives in in their day to day lives. I mean, isn't talking in a way just a verbal flag. God hates flags. God hates flags. And that's one of their flags. Yeah. Well, I think that's really good. And, but it was a flag that was given to them by God.

Yeah, the ultimate epoch. God's a hypocrite. He probably is though. I think if you would have read the Bible, which I refuse to do. I refuse to do because I feel like it would take up valuable time that I could be using for mocking the Bible. Yeah, but also deep down, you think that it would,

even though you don't believe in the Bible, you think that it would be a valuable thing for somebody to read the Bible, right? Yeah, oh, yeah, absolutely. See, the Bible, you think that it would be a valuable thing for somebody to read the Bible, right? Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely. See, and therefore, you're proud, you're a proud hypocrite for non-reading it, and that's why you're a great guy. You're a great member of this club.

I don't think you should criticize things that you don't know anything about. No, absolutely, don't do that. And yet, but yet everything I have ever said. Yeah, no, absolutely. I refer you to my extensive work in the unfounded criticisms fear. To be honest, absolutely. I refer you to my extensive work in the unfounded criticisms, fear.

To be honest, Andy, I don't even know, I started thinking about something else while you were talking, but I've been agreeing for the answer. But I agree. But at the same time, I don't agree, because I know occasionally you run your mouth off and, you know, anyway, but I was going to to say the hippo pride people ever encounter another type of hippo pride people. What the people who are actually hippos? Well you know they don't have to be hippos themselves but you know but they could be proud of hippos. Or it's a pride of hippos. That's true that could they could encounter a hippo pride. Yeah. I like that. There was a thing that we said in there. Ah, it's slipping

away. Regular lives. And it's gone over the hill. To freedom. About criticizing the Bible? Yeah. Okay. I think it was. What is it that that reading the Bible? I do not, I'm, I, are you religious, you know, I don't, or I, I, I, say that sentence again. I'm a religious. Okay. A religious, you know, agnostic or whatever, atheist, one of them guys. Yeah, atheist. No, not atheist. And I, oh, that's painful. And, but I do not want to read the Bible, because I, it, science tells me that the Bible is very good at convincing people to believe in religion. Yeah. I have a really long track history of that. And's true. I think that the scientific evidence is that if I read it, there's a really high chance that I would start to believe it. Yeah.

And so you're afraid that you could, as a science man, as a believer in science, the writings on the wall, I've got to go with the facts here. You could get sucked in like a vortex. It's sort of, it's the original, you know, Scientology salesman, you know, who just gets in, but he's, but it's in paper forms. So that's why he's even more powerful because he doesn't even look like somebody who's trying to convince you. Oh, because he looks like a book. Because he looks like a book. Wow.

That is a real subtle deception, isn't it? Like, Oh, well, do you ever think that maybe, because God is God. Jesus is also God in some versions of Christianity. Do you think that maybe the Bible is actually God in disguise? Trist up as a book. It's like book wake.

And he's going as a book. Yeah, he's gone as many books. Many books. Yeah, but obviously he's like a broken mirror so that every book contains a whole God in it still. Yes, right? Now, I don't know whether it's sort of a Zeus move like where he's turned himself into a book.

Now, are we talking Doctor or Father of Thor? Well, I don't know whether the God of all gods actually got a PhD. So he could be a doctor and now he's a... Doctor Zeus? Yeah, he could be a doctor and now he's a... Dr. Zeus. Yeah, he could be Dr. Zeus. You know, I suppose if you're all powerful, I suppose you probably also get a doctorate with that.

And you're probably also, like if you're all powerful, I imagine one of your powers is rhyme. That's, yeah, that's true. And entertaining small children. Yeah, with your PhD. You know, there's a real trend towards celebrity children's books. You notice this, like Madonna's got one,

and everybody's got one. Yeah, the guy. He's got one. Yeah, little Britain guy. Little Britain guy, David Williams. Yeah, I don't like his last name. I don't like it either, I'm still. Yeah, I'm glad.

Anyway, David, if you're there, I really love your first name, though. Don't think it's all bad. That's fantastic. But imagine God, I mean, what a scoop for a publishing house. Like this is what you've got to do as a publishing house to get sales these days. You've got to get the media's attention.

So, this sort of celebrity stunt publishing is a really big deal. So, if you could get God to do a children's book, and it's a real winner because not only is it God, in many ways, the ultimate celebrity doing a children's book, but it's also like the long awaited third book. It's like Harper Lee to kill a mocking book, go set a watchman. If we could drag God in many ways, the JD's Salanger of God. He's sort of really hidden himself away.

He has hidden himself away. Non-interventionist, he hasn't published for a long time to come back and with a children's book. That would be huge. Yeah, so are you picturing like what age is it sort of aimed at? It doesn't even have to be written by God could use a holy ghost writer. We don't care. Yeah, that would be great. I thought like as far as celebrities go, I guess there's God was probably the biggest. If you couldn't get God, do you think you would get dirt or water or something like that?

You know? If you could get dirt to publish your children's book. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, because I mean, that's. Kids love dirt. Kids love dirt, but he's also pretty all-encompassing. Yeah.

He's everywhere. Oh, but it's okay. So if you get God, let's say, I mean, what is the story going to be about? What is God? Because God then has to sort of modify his story to make it kind of retlatable to fit. Well, I think he'd have that's what you have editors and publishers for. So you're obviously assigned somebody who's used to working, you know, with children's books and with big names. Maybe get the person who did Madonna's book and get them in and they can help God to massage the narrative into something that's going to sell.

Yeah, because a lot of his probably ideas are big. Well, and they're old fashioned. There's probably a lot of big old fashioned ideas. A lot of his stuff that has had to do with children has involved the children dying. That's true. Yeah, and he would, I mean, you know, I think there's definitely his command. Yeah, absolutely. But there's also probably, you know, like because of this trend towards, you know, making books that have less and less of that stuff, you know, from all those kind of brothers, grim stories and sort of Mark Twain, removing the races or at least some aspects of it.

There's probably a bit of like a Trump revolution that's kind of calling for there to be more like child death in kids books. Yeah, sure. At the hand of God. It's political correctness going mad. Yeah. Where's the nanny state where Molly coddling these children? God would be really angry about a lot.

It's a children's book about a kid called Little William. Yeah. Little William dies on the first page. Little William. Little William. Little William. Little William dies on the first page. Little William. Little William. Little William. He dies on the first page and he's killed by God. He's killed by God the author. So far as a warning. Yeah, because his parents did something to offend God. Yeah, I guess it could be, you know, maybe that guy that God sort of told him to kill

his son. Abraham? Yeah, possibly Abraham and he took him up to that mountain. And then in the end, he didn't because God sort of told him. Jumped in and it last minute. Yeah, last minute. It was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, which, you know, I wonder how many alarms God set just to make sure, because if he had forgotten, that had been me,

something would have happened. I would have snoozed it. Yeah, I would have been like watching the toaster or something like that, or like, I started listening to a like MPR, some kind of program, maybe a podcast. But what if that last bit with Abraham was where he's like, oh, I heard the voice of God didn't have to kill my son like that.

Yeah. What if this is where the truth comes out? And that's why this will be big, because it links in the older books. Yeah. God's like, turns out, actually, I wanted that kid dead. And so it starts with God rectifying that, and so he kills Abraham's son.

Yep. Okay. Beginning of the book. It's like an alternate history almost. Yeah. I mean, because you know, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, alternate history, but this is the way it actually would have happened in history. Right. It's just alternate to the way that these people wrote the books.

He's sitting the record strike. Which is weird because God is those books. Yes. And he's put that in there. But I guess he needed to find something to kind of, you know, to get this book deal and kind of spice it up a bit. Now I was initially picturing that God in this is played by a glowing golden orb.

But I think probably it's easier and safer just to go with the classic big beard. Big beard, white robe. White robe. Oh God. Sort of way bigger than a human. Is God, does he have a big beard and long hair? Because he's God and he's so strong that nothing can cut

the hair on his chin. I mean, yeah, but I guess he would think that he could create a barber that would be... Could God create a barber that would be capable of shaving his beard. Well, I mean, these are some of the things that he could go into in this kid's book. Because I mean, I guess what he's doing by killing Abraham's son at the beginning of this book is he's giving kids on Earth like a look behind the curtain of what goes on on the other side. Right. Because I think there's probably a lot of mythology that goes on on the other side. Right.

Because I think there's probably a lot of mythology that goes on about, you know, what happened to God then. About God? I don't think so. No. And someone away, this is kind of God's like, come and clean, you know? He's like, okay, so it's God's tell all, no holds behind. No holds behind.

I've got access. Kids book. Yeah. Behind the scenes. Wow. I mean, but access. Kids book. Kids book. Yeah. Behind the scenes. Wow. I mean, this really is a big seller because it's got everything. It's the comeback book.

It's a children's book. It's a tell all men want. Yeah, and it's the guy, it's, yeah. And it's also, but it's also like that, you know that guy who came out like 15, 20 years ago who was like telling all the magicians secrets. Yeah. He's a real villain. all the magicians secrets. Yeah. He's revealing all the magicians secrets. Yeah.

So he'll do that. It'll be God will reveal all that stuff. Plus a lot of the disciples secrets. All right. Peter. He can really, I think God could in theory reveal everybody's secrets. He could. But it's pretty amazing.

He wants to use the characters that people are familiar with with this book. Right. Maybe introduce a few side characters and then maybe if there's, you know, because if you're getting God into a book deal, it's probably gonna, you're probably gonna try more than one book. What are you gonna get like a four or five book deal? Four or five, maybe. Maybe. Yeah.

Yeah. Just see how he feels. Obviously, like, you know, he's probably, he's not going through this process for a few years Let let let him warm his fingers out. Let him let him sort of you know, just see how it kind of flows And then once he gets back into the flow after three books. Yeah, he's got the option of eight. I love it We've written this down yet. No Gods God's gods gods come back book Yeah, it's not not that come back not the one you're thinking about it's not the the the re

Arrival of Jesus which a lot of people would be disappointed that it wasn't that when they heard that God was writing a new book Yeah, there would have been a light. This is it. This is the big one. This is Jesus coming back When they find out it's a story of William Yeah, little boy called William. And there's a children book. And he kills them first, first couple of pages. I mean, they might be a bit disappointed, but I think they'd still buy it

because he has that cachet. Yeah, but then also because you're going up into heaven, you'll get to see what got, what Jesus has been up to, you know? Little, this little kid. Well, no, what William will be able to go around heaven and see what Jesus is up to up there. What's he doing?

Was he just loiting around like? We'll see up to Yeah, what is he doing while he's waiting to come back? How does he pass the time? Xbox. Yeah, well, he does the old fashion as a switch. I don't know. Oh, you might have a switch. Maybe you know, he might just be twiddling his thumbs. Oh, you might have a switch. Maybe you might just be twiddling his thumbs. I mean, in many ways, Switch is a way to gamify the twiddling of thumbs. I get, yeah, that's true.

I mean, it's a thing that we always have done since time immemorial. Yeah, it's, and as long as you're twiddling them, you might as well be scoring points. I mean, here's a great way of just... Filling zelders or whatever you do in that game. I mean, look, maybe we could... Maybe we could, you know, it's a toy maker.

He's trying to bring back twiddling thumbs. Twiddling says it's... You know, and so I think maybe this is one of the easiest ways you could sort of... ...game a fire twiddling thumbs. How does it want to twiddle? I'm trying to work out... Which of the options with the thumb is the twiddling? Is that going around itself?

I think it's just going around each other. A little washing machine motion. Sort of like if you were on a train facing sort of perpendicular to the direction of the train and looking out the window like that, and the, your thumb twirling was leaving a trail. Right? It was leaving a trail. I think your twiddling would create a double helix. Yep, yep, no, I totally say what you mean. Yeah, so.

And that's just to describe to the listener. Right. That was the best, it wasn't the most efficient way of describing that to you. In many ways, the only way. It was the only way for it to be clear. What if it's rather than toy maker? What if it's that this is the latest craze, right?

That kids are twiddling their thumbs, okay? Since it's a pretty big... All these kids are twiddling. What are they doing? They're twiddling. It's one of those... It's the craze that's taking over primary school. It's one of those news reports where it's like, you know, marbles are in there. You know, or this, like this, yeah. What's that thing? Dabbing. Dabbing, yeah. So everybody, everybody looks like they're sneezing into their armpit or whatever it is. Now,

the kids seems these days. Kids are up to their old tricks and I do mean old. Now the kids seems these days kids are up to their old tricks and I do mean old. Twiddling your thumbs is back in a big way. And then he goes to a school yard and it's all these kids kind of just standing around and they're just twiddling. And so, Marcus, tell me what you're doing there. I am twiddling my thumbs. Okay, and is there a special technique or something? Is there an objective? Who's

winning? Well, no. Is it, do we then need a company, a corporation to come in and try and work out how can I make money for this? Get in on the crates. So this is what I was thinking. How one company might do it. The people who make operation. Yes. Right. They're trying to get in on. Ravensburger, Parker Brothers. Maybe Parker Brothers. Mattel? No, I think it's Parker Brothers.

I think you might be right on that. Although did Parker Brothers have a little symbol in their logo that kind of looked a little bit like a Mattel thing? Well, was it all just the words Parker Brothers? Was it like a twirly? I think you remember the words Parker Brothers and maybe there's a little twirly thing? Well, was it all just the words Parker brothers? Was it like a twirly thing? I think you remember the words Parker brothers and maybe there's a little twirly thing? Little twirly thing. Some reason makes me think Mattel anyway. So they've come up with kind of two metal contact things that you

sort of put over your thumbs. Right. Like that maybe you hold the batteries in your hands. Right. Like that. Are they Bluetooth enabled? Do you get scores to send to your phone? Do you have live updates and can you socially interact with your friends and like update your number of twins? I use your twiddling hours. I like to think that it doesn't collect any data other than it lets other people know that when you're twiddling... When you're twiddling? Marcus is twiddling. And I think maybe a little column of names that pop up this is twiddling right now. Yeah, and this is what the other generations can't get in this report. They go, like, who is winning? Why?

Why are you doing? What are you doing? It's just, you know, it's a, you'll never understand. And so he's, so the reporter's kind of goes, like, yeah, no, so yeah, he seems to say there's no game to it. It's just kind of twiddling. And I mean, I don't really understand.

In fact, in the studio, they're like, no, but come on, no, there must be a point. There must be a point. Ask him again. Ask another child. Punch him. You go, so we'll grab him. Shake him a bit.

Well, I found Melissa over here. Melissa, now you seem to be twiddling your thumbs. That's right. And, you know, so, you know, what do you, what do you get out of it? I like to twiddle. Surely there must be some deeper meaning to this. Yeah, I like it.

I like it that they, you know, possibly this journalist and maybe the whole news team in their desire to find out why they're doing it. They kidnap this kid, they take him to some sort of CIA black site and try and waterboard him to find out why he's twiddling. And while he's being water-borted, he continues to twiddling. Yeah, it's because he's twiddling. And while he's being water-borted, he continues to twiddling.

Yeah, it's because he's twiddling in his soul. You know, you can't stop it. I think that's... It could be a foot-lose loose parody in this town where twiddling has been banned. Yeah, yeah, no. And I think it's... It can also just tap into what it's talking about is... What is this sketch of talking about?

Well, I think it's got to do with adults, looking at the youth, right? And it seems like no matter what they do, their response is to not understand. Yeah. It's to just not be able to understand, and especially with something so simple, which is a very harmless act, right?

Yet these people are freaking out. They go, this must be connected with drugs in some way. Is this some weird, like deep psychological trauma or something like that that is manifesting itself in this way? Or is this a, like, what are they doing? I don't get it. Is it a gang thing? When I was young, I used to go out and talk to people outside. Now, I know you guys people outside. Now I know you guys are outside and I know you guys are talking to people but you continue to twiddle. We didn't twiddle. We didn't twiddle. We would take a stick and a hoop and we would knock

that down the street. Good healthy fun. And then they go like this. They go find like a hundred and fifteen year old who was like the only last remaining person who's alive. From the previous time that twiddling had been in. Which is interesting, right? Is it interesting that all the people who used to twiddling out dead? Are now dead, yeah. That's very interesting.

What does that tell you? And it kind of turns into like one of these Glenn Beck kind of like talks where he's got a chalkboard out and he's writing down all these kind of weird connections. Yeah, he's finding connections between things. He's getting excited. He's gonna about the world. He's writing down all these kinds of weird connections. He's finding connections between things. He's getting excited. He's going to crack this case. Like, twiddling?

Twiddling. Twiddling's back. Okay. Now, how about this? Just your talking about Glenbeak. Got me thinking about conspiracy theorists. Right. So if there's conspiracy theorists, are there people who,

because you know, in physics, you've got theoretical physics, obviously, you've got applied physics, right? Theoretical conspirators, conspiring conspirators, are there then people who are on the applied end of that, right? Who are out going, trying to test the conspiracy theories in the real world, right? So for example, this episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of 7 discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com. Progressive

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representing other people we want to see whether or not this rat can get away with murdering. Yeah, or they dress up one researcher or they hire an actor who plays Bill Clinton. And then they put him in a tiny rat society. And so they've built this little rat society, right? And they want to say, he's a man. He's a man. But everyone else is a rat. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Okay. And they send him. And they just leave him in there. They leave him in there. They send him to like a bar. And they send us live in there. They leave them in there. They send them to like a bar. And there's three weeks later, he's eating rats

and we're like, we knew this would happen. Yeah. So maybe like the, maybe the society is a regular size. Right? But like they send them to bars and but there's just rats everywhere. There's rats. And they're all on the bar stools

and they're on the bars. And like some of the, you and like some of the you know Some of the other rats are kind of pouring them drinks and you know like there's anyway, and no, maybe Okay, you look at that. Maybe that takes too far, but there's just drinks on the table. Yeah, and it looks like they're drinking You don't you don't see how it happens. Let's see if Bill goes home with anybody. Yeah And whether he can get away with it and then like you know there are still situations where you know he he does kill a rat Yeah, like that, you know, there are still situations where, you know, he does kill a rat. Yeah. And like that, you know, maybe slip set a Mickey.

Right. So just so it's not too gruesome, you know, because I think, you know, we don't get PETA involved here. Right, we're killing rats for this thing. We don't get them involved because the rats are drugged before they killed. No, no, no, I think you'd like the drug is what kills them. Okay, sure, but I think maybe these lab people don't want them getting involved so that they do it, they

kill it the way it's okay to kill animals. Well, rather than within, you know, dad, or something or hammer, yeah, or just like, you know, a big like sort of just like using the vacuum, the base of the vacuum cleaner in your house and just kind of that lots of bed with you. Anyway. Well, that's a really specific example. I know.

I was trying to think of something domestic. I was trying to think of something domestic. Okay, great. Yeah, I don't, I've never had the idea of hitting somebody with a vacuum. No, I thought you might have actually killed a rat at the back end of a vacuum cleaner that was in bed with you. No, that was a, no, I think the closest thing to killing something with my vacuum cleaner has been.

Spiders, obviously, right? Like, you sucked up spiders with your vacuum cleaner. We don't have a lot of spiders, and I haven't had a lot of spiders in the place that I've lived. You know, we lived in a warehouse. We didn't have spiders there. We didn't have spiders, and we didn't have rats, which was really weird to me. Yeah.

That place should have been in here. Should have been in the professor with rats, no rats, no spiders. I wonder if they just didn't know it was there. My first apartment, outside of the warehouse, no spiders. This one, I live in, no spiders. I saw one potential white tail, but one spider is not a thing where you go. We got spiders.

No. We got spider. We got spider and he's dead now. And we walked past a cafe the other day that advertised spiders on the sign out the front. It said spiders, sandwiches, coffee. And I know that people from the United States do not call spiders spiders. They call them floaters. And that is...

But then putting floaters on your sign is almost a worst. Because we don't call them floaters. We don't call them floaters and that is. But then putting floaters on your sign is almost worse because we don't call them floaters. We don't call them floaters. Have floater here is a meat pie floater obviously Alistair. Of course, yeah. Or it's a body that you pull out of the Hudson River here in Australia. That's true. Yeah, that's what we call him here. When we pull a body out of the Hudson River, we got a floater. We got ourselves a floater. I just wrote conspiracy applied. Yeah, I got it.

Okay, but wait. So then, okay, I just wanted to finish that thought. So then he takes one home, kills it with drugs or whatever. And then they wait to see whether other rats sort of cop rats. I think it would be nice to see cop rats just driving a little car. Yeah, and come in, you know, get out and then they notice and they go, oh, these conspiracies are so hard to find ways in which they do function. Oh, okay. So you think that in this experiment, the rats, the rat police do catch the Bill Clinton researcher so that conspiracy is debunked in this case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they

still can't, it's applied conspiring, whatever. Right, of course. But, but they're still, you know, obviously, it's still research, and so they're trying to figure out in ways in which they wanted to work, but the reality is, is that this is still conspiracy theories. Yeah, and obviously, like with any experiment and in lab conditions, it's difficult to say how much but would apply in the real world. You know, once you've done it,

even if we had proved it with rats, there's still a lot of work that needs to be done. Maybe we could prove it in, maybe they also do somewhere they prove it in a petri dish. Yeah, oh, absolutely, Petri dish, I'd love that. Petri dish. Petri, do you say petri?

I'm always gonna say petri. I'm never gonna change even if it's incorrect. Never gonna change. I'm never gonna change. Don't you ever change, jealous? No, why you said, Petry? No, I won't. Also, I like the idea of picturing Clinton getting caught

in this sort of, in this experiment. And then, not only, like, does he kind of go to jail, I guess, at least temporarily, while they wait for the Toxology report and things like that. And then maybe he gets out, but then he does kind of like, then you go to rat Congress and you see them kind of vote against him and then he gets impeached in terms of like, I don't know if he's a, if he was the president when this pizza shop conspiracy happened. No, that's, I don't even really know the details of it, and I don't want to know.

But yes, I think as long as that can play out the better. Yeah. And I think that at the end of the day, you know, this is just one experiment. They need to do more with different controls. They probably need to do a double blind test where nobody knows which Bill Clinton is the real Bill Clinton. That's good. So there's a bunch of guys.

One is dressed as, you know, maybe Andy Daly, sort of the comedian. One is dressed as Bill Clinton. One could be dressed as Oprah. Yep. Maybe one is Ellen DeGeneres, and so then you have this kind of mix of people taking rats home, killing them. Who could get over that? Kill the rats, everybody kills the rats. And then you find out actually this conspiracy could work if it was Oprah.

That's interesting, because very often you discover things by accident in science. Absolutely. So we were trying to prove the Bill Clinton conspiracy theory. We wound up discovering a completely new conspiracy theory, previously unknown to man, that may explain the observed universe better than any other conspiracy theory. Imagine that. I guess they would feed those results directly to Alex Jones. Do you think you could come up with a grand conspiracy theory of everything? Oh, wow, yeah. That's quite...

Because science is trying to find the physical laws that control everything in the universe. But you think we could find the secret cabal of bankers that controls all the forces in the universe. Well, yeah. And whether or not there's a different cabal for other universes and the multiverse. Other indeed. Yeah. And does the cabal still, does its power still extend to the event horizon of a black hole?

Are they able to? Is the cabal formed in the first mic, few microseconds? Microseconds did they get together after the big meeting? And really make those decisions. As matter began to clump, after some of the matter clumped together into a shady meeting, in a back room. And they decided which, which, which, which, which, and the, oh God. The Rockefellers.

The Rockefellers is exactly what I was trying to think of. They form a hard Rockefeller. Anyway, and then they decide which races of people will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, will, the top and which will be the under the underclass. Yeah, yeah. Is that, I think a grand conspiracy theory of everything is really good. And I think it probably needs to come off the back of this conspiracy theorist's people, you know, that that's their ultimate objective, obviously, is to come up with that. And it, you know, maybe somehow they're affiliated with sand labs. You think so? I mean, I love this kind of, this, in this universe.

I think this, I guess what we're creating is kind of a marvel type universe, but for, but for kind of alternate knowledge source. Yeah, forms of science. Forms of science, yeah. You know, some, I think Sad Lab probably still follows the scientific theory, but I think that these guys who are working on the Grand Conspiracy Theory of everything are working, probably follow the conspiracy method.

Yes. The conspiracy method? Conspiratic? Conspiratic method? I used to think there was a word that was conspirational, but it turns out there isn't. And I want to know who was it that made me think that there was the word conspirational and how they got rid of it and made it seem like it never existed because I was convinced it was a word. I think I used it in an essay.

And really, and nobody pulled you out. No, they pulled me out. That's a dead start. That's a dead start. I got whacked off. You know, they didn't pull me out, but they didn't pull me off anyway. Yeah, knock someone off is to kill them.

Yeah. To whack somebody. Wack is to kill them enough is to kill them. To whack somebody. Wack is to kill them. Is to kill them. But to whack somebody off. Not to kill them. No, that's true. Yeah. So I guess that's interesting, isn't it? Push someone off. Yes. I guess that could be to kill them. Yeah, to clip. To put someone off. To put someone off. It's to sort of make them feel a bit distasteful. Yeah. But yet to push someone off. To put someone off. It's to sort of make them feel a bit distasteful, you know. But you have to push, put them. Doesn't mean that's not anything at all.

That's not anything at all, so. So, there you go. There you go. In some way it's kind of a strange in that way, to to vlog someone off. Yes. You stood to whack them off. No, that's to sell somebody.

To vlog someone off. Vlog him off. Yeah, okay. Vlog something off. No, no, no, vlog something off. Oh yeah. Yeah, is to sell it. But it's to vlog someone off.

Is to whack him off. It's to whack him off. That's to vlog him. To whack him off. To whack him off. That's not that. Okay. To whack him off a mole. What? Okay, whack him off a mole. Welcome to whack them all. That's that's that's not that

Okay, whack off a mole. Okay whack them off a mole Right, it's a whole lot of mole paeduses that come up. I have a little holes That's great. You got a quickly jerk them off quickly jerk them off. Yeah whack off a mole Although what you said was whack them off a mole. Yeah, which whack them is of course those tablets that you draw Wacomol. Wacomol is of course those tablets that you draw. So that's where they come out and then you compete with them to make a digital drawing. Who gets the best digital drawing wins? Guacamole. Guacamole. Guacamole. That's where avocados, cumin and sweet chili sauce, squirt up at a halt.

And you're gonna use a mallet to mash the avocado. Onto the mall, cause this, on the guacamole, sorry. But then there's to guacamole. Yes. There's two, they come out and you've got to clean the guacamole off the subterranean creature.

Yeah. Is whack off a mole? Is that a thing? Yeah, I think she wrote it down. I think this idea, people who are trying to bring back old games, I mean, this is like, you know, it's a little bit twiddling, but it's more exciting. It's people who are revolutionizing old games. Old movies are bringing, being rebuilt. Could it be that, you know, I remember when we were in high school, primary school, do you remember the game, Lesia Suit Larry?

Oh yeah. Now I never played it, but I hear it was quite sexy. Oh yeah, I heard that, and I always wanted to play it, and I think maybe I played like, maybe I must have played a demo or something like that where you got to do one first level. Right. Was it sexy? It was a bit sexy. A bit sexy, right. Yeah.

So what if there were also sexy versions of the arcade games? Mm, pinball. Pinball. Yeah, oh, and so it's actually a testicle. Yeah, you're rolling down. It would be impossible to roll a testicle in a straight line. And yeah, but this one, you can. It's just, it's basic.

No, you can't actually. It's just kind of like a rubbery chestnut. And you, no, not a chestnut, like a walnut, but like a shelled walnut. Right. Like that. I think I imagine that's what it looks like. What a shelled walnut looks like a brain. No, no, no, a shield one.

So like it's still, you don't see the nut inside. All right. Okay, you're thinking, shielding that, we've removed the shell. That's what I'm thinking. No, no, I'm saying, I'm using shelling that we've added a shell. Oh, so, busheld, perhaps.

Busheld would mean. It's busheld. Really? Okay. Cause busheld sounds like you would... Oh, I guess. Glue little shells to it. No, I don't know what Bacheld sounds like. It sounds like you...

Anyway, I wish I had an idea of what that could be. It's the Bacheld test. All right, I'm just... Stop talking. Stop talking about all of this. Just write down Wacom off a mole. this. Just write down whack them off a mole. Yeah, I wrote whack off a mole. Wack them and then also whack them off a mole.

That's not happening. Why? I want them to just have this conversation. You can't say just this conversation is a sketch, hella, steer. Why? All right. It's just two guys.

Just two guys. Just two guys. You're in a Just two guys. You're in a podcast big boat. They're in a fucking room. But yeah, but where they come up with five new game ideas. Well, whack them off a mole. They definitely would have come up with. Wack them off a mole. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. It comes out. You got to quickly draw in little drawing. You got to out draw. Word comes up at the same time. You and the mole have to compete to do the best drawing of whatever it is. So, comes up, t-shirt. You got to draw t-shirt before it goes back down into its hole like that.

And then whoever you get a point, yay or nay, for yes, you get a point, nay, you get a point. If you win, but it doesn't make enough time to think you're just, what you're bringing this yay and nay system, it's enough, man. It's enough. Yay. There's a lot of it. Yay means you got a point. I really am happy with this. Yay, more existing, more workable.

You gotta guess many yay as you can. All right, more yay's win. You know that the naked mole red has a high structure. Really? It's the only mammal that has like a queen and workers and so on and so forth. Really. It's crazy. I don't know what to do with that but that's amazing. That's so weird. Yeah. What about? What if humans had that? We had a hive structure. Oh, what if there was like one leader

for a nest? Yeah. And we all did what he said. Well, I mean, you're mocking me, Alistair, but politics would be very different if the Prime Minister was the only person who could give birth. Yeah, that's true. If we all had to journey to Canberra, bringing him sugar,

and then maybe you would have sex with two or three of us and then give birth to a million young. Sure, sure. I know, but then, you know, in this modern society, we obviously, the sugar carriers would bring him sugar, and the rest of us would work at the normal jobs that we work just to keep society going. Sure. Because if you don't continue doing, you know, whatever you do, stacking shelves, and if I don't continue doing what I do, which is, you know, collecting garbage, society will break down, and then the sugar collectors and carriers won't be able to take their thing on. Well, then you're just describing the current society. Yeah, but with the prime minister who gives birth to everybody.

I think that's funny. Yeah. I think you're a high-structure. If people have been saying that democracy is not successful, right, that democracy is flawed, what alternatives are there? Well, there's dictatorship, but we're not happy with that. What if we tried a high-vocracy, which is basically controlled by sort of sense that is secreted from the anal glands of our fellow human. We follow those around. But then also occasionally one of us will journey to Canberra to impregnate the Prime Minister. Yeah.

And as well as voting on people's policies, we'd vote on their sort of, I guess, their fertility and their, I guess, or at least what they say their fertility is. Obviously, a lot of them won't be that transparent about how to choose to elevate one of us to be the prime minister. Yeah, I mean, the candidates who are, you know, like, let's say, you know, let's say Malcolm Turnbull, which is the PM here.

I guess in this society, we've found a way to also allow men to give birth. Yep. He may not be that open about how fertile he really is. Right. So he won't release his doctor reports and things like that. But his fertility. His fertility reports from the doctor. Yep. Look, I think that works. No, I think I think that absolutely works. I'm a star. And I think we've probably got enough sketch ideas.

Take us through them, won't you? All right, well, we got hippo pride, which is, obviously, a group of hypocrites who are sick of being criticized for being hypocrites when they're quite proud of it. Yeah. They do what they don't do what they say, and they don't give a shit that you don't get. That you don't like it.

Yeah. We're not here. Get used to it. We're not here. Some of us are queer. Yeah. And they're not, and they're homophobes. And get used to it.

Yeah. Great. Then we got God's comeback book, which is a kid's book, it's third novel. It's gonna be a tell all about what's going on behind the scenes. And it's gonna be sexy, is it? It's gonna be sexy as hell, find out what Jesus is doing,

but he's not a main character, he's a very, very much a side character. Yeah. Living the option open for maybe he gets his, his own spin-off series later on down the road. Right, young Jesus. Young Jesus. Young Jesus. All Jesus as well.

That there hasn't been a TV show made called Young Jesus. It's crazy to me. Imagine the scrapes. The scrapes that we get into. Do you think a lot of fist fights? A lot of scuffles, stealing sausages. Oh yeah. Basically I'm picturing a dog.

But. Young dog dog. But. Young dog Jesus. Yes. It's a great idea for a TV show. Anyway. I imagine he's a little terrier. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and he, I guess he's licking a lot of people's feet. Yeah. Of course he is. Yeah, what a good guy. We got twiddlings back. He cues their anxiety. The older generations can't understand. Can't get their heads around it. Can't get their heads around it.

They're just twiddling. Parents just don't understand. Parents, you know, they're worried. They're worried. They're really worried. They're worried about their safety. They're worried about their kids' safety. Don't you do that at the table?

They start saying, like, you know, all these reports start coming out about like all the damage that it's gonna be doing to their thumbs and their hands. The human body isn't designed to deal with this. To this much twiddling. But also it reinforces pathways in the brain to do with twiddling.

Yeah, I really like twiddling's back. Yeah. It's when people lose it. We got applied conspiring, you know, that's a great one. That's with the, where they recreate society with rats in a lab and they dress up a guy's Bill Clinton and see how many women in a pizza shop that he can kill. Or whatever that thing is. up a guy's Bill Clinton and see how many women in a pizza shop that he can kill. Or whatever that thing is.

It's super thickens. Sex shop in a pizza shop or something like that. Then we've got these people from who practice the conspiratic theory, who are trying to find a grand conspiracy theory of everything. He's really behind a lot of it. Who is in charge of deciding that the electrons have to go around the nucleus and not the other way around? Absolutely. And who do they screw over to make that happen? Yeah, what do you go to do to get into the nucleus these days? Yeah,

yeah, what kind of privilege position are these protons? Are they in with the... Why can't we know where an electron is at any time? Yeah. What's it hiding? Where is it really? Are they stealing the gold from under the 9-11 building? And melting it down or something like that? Then we got, we got whack off a mole.

Which is self-explanatory. Yeah, and then we got high-structure humans. It's the same, but the PM gives birth to everyone. I really liked that. Yeah, me too. I'm happy, Alistair. I feel, I feel sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Sated. Thank you so much for listening to the show. It's an absolute bloody joy. We're part of the weekly Planet Broadcasting Network. You betcha. And there's lots of other plenty great podcasts bloody joy, we're part of the plan, the plan broadcasting network. You betcha. And there's lots of other plenty great podcasts on there.

Alice, did anything else you'd like to promote? Yeah, I'd love to promote the weekly planet. You should listen to those guys. Give them a listen. You could follow us on Twitter. You can follow us on Twitter at www.tupidolendy. And I'm at Alistair TV and we're both at two in tank for the podcast. And if you would care to write the show.

And also recently, we got a spike that was like a lot of downloads from Edinburgh, which I don't believe are true, but it was like a huge, it was like a multi-thousand spike. But if you and your thousands of mates in Edinburgh all downloaded the show the other day, then thank you. Thank you. But also, if you are from Edinburgh and you recently listened, tell me how you found out. And it's like, also, it can't be that you found out through the weekly planet. Because that's, you know, it makes sense. We know about that.

That's a logical, but that wouldn't, that wouldn't explain why it was everybody in Edinburgh. Yeah. I understand. I feel like there's a flaw in the stats. Anyway, I'm spending a lot of time looking at stats. Just know that when you download a lot of episodes, that makes me feel good. Anyway, and also suspicious and also very suspicious. Good and then filled with doubt. Yeah, I don't really believe anything is real. Yeah. Statistics don't lie believe anything is real. The statistics don't lie, except in this case.

All right, guys. Thanks very much. Thank you so much. You know what, we love you in some respects. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. If you want, sub to here.