Two In The Think Tank - 89 - "ACADEMY OF FAILURE"

Episode Date: July 25, 2017

AAF, Stalker Investigates, Stop Trying to Reach Mars and Focus on Waterslides, Shitcom, Gold Medal for Distraction Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here Production by George Matthews. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit PlanetBcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, betty, b Hello, and welcome to Two in the Think Tank to show where we try and come up with. Come up with fun, sketch ideas. You think, like, it's 89 episodes, you think we'd get better at that. Really, I would think that we're constantly trying to mix it up and keep it fresh and original. That's true. We are constantly reinventing a way in which to do that unsatisfactorily. Yeah, and I like that. I think there's some satisfaction in doing something really unsatisfactory on purpose.

And I think, I think, like, much as it's impressive to see an artist who is so talented, you know, like, like, let's say the Beatles pick an example at random. So, okay, so they're good, are they? They're good. Okay, well, let's accept that they were good. I don't want to get into the debate, Alistair. I know you like to have this debate, whether or not they're good. so it's exactly except they're the good. And you know, it's very exciting to see over the course of the career. They're constantly finding new ways to explore their enormous talent. Yeah, but I think, you know, if you're not good, which I'm happy to accept that I am, I think it hopefully it's still satisfying for people to see the ways in which I push myself to fail in different, you know.

But there's also poems. Getting to see talented people fail is a good thing. Like, okay, so an example is in the radio head song, Creep, right? Sure. So apparently, you know that, that part? No, but good.

No, you know, like, so it's with the guitar, and it goes like, and there's a part with the guitar, and that's the part that like, that we all freak out about. And anyway, it's with the guitar and he goes like, and there's a part with the guitar. And that's the part that we all forget about. And anyway, the guy with the guitar goes, jiggle, jiggle, like that. Anyway, apparently the guitarist was trying to fuck up the song. Because he didn't want, he wanted to do a new tight or something, did he? I think maybe he was just a...

Maybe, no, I think maybe the song was like, this was the song that kind of like was sky-rotic rocking them, rocketing them, and I mean, I don't know if they had already written it, that seems weird to... Anyway, I don't know exactly what the story is, I thought I heard, I thought I heard that he was trying to fuck up the song and... And then that became everybody's favorite bit of the song. Wow. See, I've only, I've never listened to the original. I only exclusively listened to like Yuka Leili covers done by people on YouTube. Of course. Which I think is the definitive way to consume. I would feel that probably a lot of those people would make an effort to put in that bit of the song that you don't remember.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you were saying that you love, you love when people to see people try to fail. I'm saying that surely you would. Surely it's just as like if seeing people do good things in new ways, satisfying. Then that same unit of thing that gives you the satisfaction, which is the seeing the things done in new ways, would be equally satisfying if it was a bad person who doesn't know how to do something,

doing things in new ways. Yeah, I think so. I think, like, I mean, they're... But, you know, but then there's still the variable of there's things that you enjoy and there's things that you're done in joy. Sure, but if we can take that out as like a baseline, right? Yeah, yeah. Because, okay, so if in the world.

Everybody enjoys good things, LSD, there's nothing exciting about seeing a good thing. Obviously, you enjoy things that are good, right? And obviously, you don't enjoy things that are good, right? And obviously you don't enjoy things that are bad. Well, a bad thing done in a new way is exactly as an increment more enjoyable as a good thing done in a new way, right? And so... Really? Yes, and so.

That's just mathematics, jealousy. Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, if there's a baseline of enjoyment, we subtract that and we normalize it down to like everything we enjoy, everything the same amount. If you can just ignore the fact that you already enjoy good things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am, I am. Take it for granted.

We know that, right? And that we don't enjoy bad things. Okay. Now, let's just treat everything as the same. Okay. Now, surely the little bit more enjoyment that you get out of saying a good thing done in a new way will be the same as saying a bad thing done in a new way. Okay.

Therefore, what's the point in having good things? Let's just do bad things in new ways and enjoy the differential, the excitement of the novelty. Yeah, yeah, well, I think I do already enjoy that. Oh, great. Yeah, I love novel. Well, do you like being shouted at, Alistair? I like that too. I think you were doing this in a new good way.

Yeah. So unfortunately, you kind of, I'm a failed to illustrate my own point. Yeah, yeah. So is there a sketch in this? Yeah. Is it, okay. Well, I mean, you could think of an academy,

which takes, like the Australian Institute of Sport, for example, which is selective entry and takes only the best young people to train them to compete on the world stage. But if there was a, an institute like that for people who aren't good and helping them to push and find their new way to express their lack of talent. Okay, yeah.

And so we're not making any judgments on how they decide what is good and what is bad. That's not important in this. I don't think so. Okay. But we just, everybody agrees that whatever they and what is bad. That's not important in this. I don't think so. Okay. We just, everybody agrees that whatever they're doing is bad. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

And so... Well, it's just that like, why is there a... Why does selective entry academies only accept people who are good? You know, why can't there be a selective entry academy that ignores the people are good, accepts the people that are crap at something, and just helps them to push themselves. Well, to continue being crap. In many ways, there are classes for people who are underperforming at school. That's true.

I'd like to just conveniently ignore that as well if that's cool. Yeah, that's true. I'd like to just conveniently ignore that as well if that's possible. I think there's a lot. Yeah, I think it's very good to ignore all the flaws. All the flaws, yeah. Right? Okay, so this is a thing for people who are selling it being bad in something.

Maybe they're getting a lot of other people who are bad at art or whatever it is coming to their shows and then they're like, look, I mean, is that too much success already? Well, I think if they've got a lot of attention maybe from their litany of fact. Like the people gathering around to look at a look at a horrible car crash Sort of like things like the room or or like you know like there's always the shows at Edinburgh fringe that get the like a zero-star review or a One-star review and so it's like a a people who are selling in that regard that are making something so bad that it attracts people because it it that are making something so bad that it attracts people because it... Exactly, and maybe they're not getting zero stars, maybe they're getting one star. And we've seen now that a film like the Room, which is universally

regarded to be the worst movie ever made. If it had just been the fifth or sixth worst movie ever made, maybe it wouldn't have got that attention. But maybe if we can find those people who are making the fifth, the sixth, the seventh worst movie ever made. And if they're in Australia, we can find them and we can take them and we can help them to be the worst movie. You know, why couldn't the room be made in Australia today?

I put it to you because we don't recognize lack of talent. Absolutely. I think that's right. Also, you would want to get people who are the first, who are the worst, the first of the worst. Yes. To also get them into your class so that they don't, almost like a kind of X-Men professor Xavier thing, so that you want them to harness that talent that they have so they don't lose their voice. Yes.

Because, you know, once this attention comes to them, they're going to try and start doing things in a different way, trying to harness it, and then they're going to overthink it, which is not what got them here. Exactly. Thinking isn't what got you into this place in the first place. Now, I feel a slightly like we've talked about this on the podcast before, but I could be wrong. Could just be echoes of an alternative reality.

Great. Let's hope that that's what it is. Okay. Well, then I think that's like the academy of failure, I think, is a sketch idea. Okay. Right. And I think, now that we've chosen film, I think that's, I think, you know, and look, Australia mate, we make bad films. It's just that they're not bad enough to crack the US market, you know.

But in a way where this school is attacking success through a different is through the other angle. So in the end, you're still trying to get people to excel. Obviously. But it's through a whole other, it's a new aesthetic that is awful and has to feel authentically awful. Yeah, yeah. And that's interesting. It is about honesty and it is about getting people to harness what it is about them that makes them bad at making fun. Yeah, like people can feel

if you're trying to fake incompetence. I think so. Yeah. And I don't know if we've said this on the podcast before, but referring to somebody as the Mozart of not being able to play the piano. I see, yeah, that's good. I like that.

He's like the Mozart of... He's kind of like the Nabokov of illiteracy. This is Nabokov, right? It was Nabokov later. of illiteracy. It's never-cover, right? It was never-cover-later. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lol. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Lolita. Tell me one difference between Jane Goodall and Jane Campion. I'll give you a thousand dollars right now. Well, I guess one of them Jane Campion yes in my mind never existed Wow Okay, yeah, well that then I'll give you I'll give you a thousand dollars. Thank you very much

I do that would actually really help right now, trying to save up for my child's knowledge. I really thought I was on a safe one with that. I was there. It turns out there was at least one major difference. It's interesting that you could consider the properties of another person, like let's say your properties, you as a person,

that some of your properties live within me. Because they are perceived by you, is that what you mean? Like, the properties, oh, well, one property of you is that I know you. I see. Yes. You know, and so that's a property of yours, you know, but, you know, but it lives within me, you know, and so that's that's a property of yours, you know and but you know

But it lives within me you see one property of you is You know is The calls you go to that that is really interesting So like when you play that game celebrity heads and you stick a person's name on your forehead Yeah, right like one of the questions you might ask to help identify that person is, do I like them? Yeah, right? Mm-hmm. Am I a fan of them?

Yeah. And then, and then that's interesting that that is one of their defining features that can be used to identify them. Yeah. And I don't know if we should include this maybe on the Wikipedia entry or something like that? Um, yeah, like down there, there should be people who like them or people who know who they are. I think that once you've reached a certain level of fame where you're known by enough people, the you that exists, like just by sheer volume, there would be more things about you in other people than there are in you. Right? And therefore, I mean, you, you aren't really you, right? You're, you're in all these other people in their, in the characteristics that

they perceive. Sure. Yeah. And then if a nuclear bomb goes off in an area where you're really popular. Yes. Right. Then there's a huge part of you that dies. Yeah. Because it's the, like, the world awareness of you and that affects who you are and also probably some of your income stream. Which affects you again. Yeah. And one of your characteristics being your income stream. Yeah.

I think a wikipedia, I mean, they actively fight to make Wikipedia not this, right? But a Wikipedia that was based entirely on what people think of people is. Yeah, okay. I mean, there are people that were sort of, you know, half connected to that are trying to create like a Wikipedia of, you know, like, you write recommendations for people, what's it called? Karma. Karma. It's a startup. You can check it out online. And where you, it's like it's like a review site for humanity. For humanity, yeah. And, you know, and I guess in that, that's got an element of this, because it's like, you can just go, this is what I think

about this person like that. And then you would have, and I guess any person like, you know, let's say Julia Roberts, she would have millions and millions of them, little reviews, little one line reviews of people from people who go, I know who she is, I liked her lips in this movie, you know, like that, or you know, oh, she, I wish she would have dated me when I was 13, which would have been weird. But like these are, unfortunately, those are her defining characteristics. Some of them, yeah, some of them.

I don't know if they could be used to identify a dead body. You know, like, I mean, you know, I guess if you bring the people who know the person to a dead body, yeah, right. So like we bring like 10,000 fans are called to identify the corpse of a dead celebrity or something. Well, actually, that is a thing that they use to identify a person because they go, they go, they have the dead body and then they bring somebody who they think has the property. Who knows them and you go, is this, does this match up with the information that's in your hand?

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much. You can go now. Would you like some time alone? But, but, but is like, is it, is horrible, obviously, but say we have a dead celebrity is getting all their fan base to come and help identify the body. Is that in any way comedy? Let's see.

Like, you know, okay, what about, if it's not their entire fan base, someone who knows them better than anyone and it's like a crazed stalker, getting them to help identify the body. I mean, look, this sounds like the premise of a movie that like, like that maybe there's a... That somebody's been murdered and their crazed stalker is investigating their murder. Or like, the crazed stalker is the closest person

to them in their life. Yeah. Like, I don't know, maybe because of their fame, they were very alone. Yeah. And so the closest stalker is the person that knows them the best. I think that is interesting.

What, I mean, and is that kind of a little bit touches on misery territory, that movie, misery where the author crashes their car and they wind up in the house of Kathy Bates? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but this is... But this is more of a buddy film. This is more of a buddy film, well, I mean the celebrity has died. Oh, right, yes, the celebrity has died. Oh, right. Yes, everybody has died. And then the only person helping investigate the case

is their biggest fan is like helping out the cops with like, well, where were they that day? Well, okay. Yeah, I think that's really quite interesting. And I would, if it's not hilarious, which it could be, I guess it could be. I think it'd be a very compelling film. Mm.

I think, and even if, like they take it upon themselves to investigate this, this is death. Yeah, okay. Now, is there a twist on this that makes it funnier? Mm. Now, is there a twist on this that makes it funnier? Well, I mean, there's the element of, I mean, we could play with a lot of celebrity stuff

where maybe this person was famous, right? And then they had a fall from Grace or like, they slipped from the public eye, right? And now they have this one fan who still cares about them, basically, but nobody else does. Yeah. And like, even the police investigating are like,

Oh yeah. Jeez. Those light films of his were real bad. Yeah, so it could be like a kind of like a Jerry Lewis type character. Yeah. I mean, like for some reason I think it's sadder if the person who dies is a woman, I think. Obviously. Yeah. I mean like for some reason I think it's it's sadder if the person who dies is a woman. I think obviously yeah, and so I mean nobody questions that it's sad when women die. Yeah, then when men die, which is, you know, which is an awful sexism of the world, but uh, but you know, it's I think I think look, I hope I don't

I don't feel like I'm getting in trouble by saying that's what I feel. Well, yeah, and also, like, I hope this isn't a horrible sexist thing to say, but men probably do deserve to die more, just as a rule. Yeah, I think so. Even if not for their personal failings, then as sort of some kind of comic retribution for the historical failures of us as a gender. Great. You see? Yeah. There we go.

So, and people should be held responsible for the things that people that are a little bit like them do. Yes. Quite possibly. Yeah, no, I'm just joking. But I, okay, so, and the fan could either be female or male. If it's a comedy star, I think for some reason it's funnier because then throughout the film, you can sort of have, you know, I don't

know how you're reliving, you know, having flashbacks to this person but maybe a lot of pratfalls. Yeah. Well, like maybe as their body, it corpse falls out of the back of the horse and that sort of thing like they, you know, in a way they're still, they still got it. Okay, I'm wearing... So like, like, we make up a character he was like, he was the biggest star of his generation, you know, and that lasted for like five years. And then, you know, maybe like a lot of the impersonations that he did were kind of racist or something like that and then the world moved on. Oh, how about it's a kind of buster-keyton type cast scenario because he really like disappeared after once talkies came in.

Yeah. Now, I don't know if we're going to set this back in the time of those days. I mean, it is, it would be fun to make a period piece. Yeah. But I guess a modern day parallel would be a vine star. Yeah. And then I think Buster Keaton would appreciate that comparison. Yeah. I think if Buster Keaton had been a young Vod Villian

in sort of 2013, he would have been into Vine. Yeah. Yeah, and then when Vine disappeared, probably would have become an alcoholic. Exactly. Quite caught up in his own sort of regret. So, you know, the whole thing would have repeated itself. Here's a thing that's sort of unrelated, but not entirely.

Do you think that, like, say there was a pan-galactic alien civilization, right? They would make gross generalizations that about everyone who lives in the Milky Way, or something like that, That is typical of the... Yeah, which at the moment we know no patterns whatsoever about people in the Milky Way. Yeah. It's not only if we not seen anybody in the Milky Way. Yeah. Or, yeah, not only have we not seen anybody from any other galaxy, but we've not even seen anybody else from any other planet. Yeah. So even outside, even within our own solar system, we've not met anybody else to see whether

there's any likelyness, likeness to us at all. We haven't been able to find individual ecosystems, individual alien intelligences, let alone enough on a sufficient planet to form some kind of sweeping generalization about their ability to drive or the kinds of jobs that they would have sweeping generalization about their ability to drive or The kinds of you know the kinds of jobs that they would have if they moved into our neighborhood Well, that's it because already like at that point they would if

If you're a sort of a pan galactic alien civilization you may if and if you've been around for I guess thousands or Thousands of years possibly millions of years, you would sort of get to know the kind of civilizations that actually make it to meeting other pan-gallacious people. And so you would know civilizations as, ah, no, they're just a, they're a bunch of like burnouts, which is a civilization that kind of gets to a point and then just kind of destroys itself or destroys all the resources on their planet or they make their planet uninhabitable or I guess that would sort of be one. Maybe all, they could write off all of the Milky Way as just burnouts.

Burnouts. They're all bunch of burnouts. They don't have the motivation. They don't have the motivation. It's a galaxy full of burnouts. They're the Milky Way. No, it's of burnouts. They don't have the motivation. No, he's a galaxy full of burnouts. No, I self-control. They're the genwise of the universe where we are though. We seem to be. I mean, we actually have genwise on our planet.

There you go. I hate to generalize to say that everyone on the planet is genwise. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's unfair for me to say that I am kind of pretty disappointed with all other sort of civilizations on the Milky Way and that they haven't achieved the ability to come and find us yet. Exactly. I mean, I think we're young enough as a civilization to not have achieved this yet. Right? But other ones that, you know,

so they have read dwarf stars clearly. Their star has been there for at least another what like two, three hundred thousand years and they still haven't come and found us. And now, minus how that is typical of Gen Y that they are just the introverted, self-obsessed. They sit around, probably looking at their phones and they're not interested in connecting with you know other other planets

Yeah, and it look and I think that that's definitely a thing that this pan galactic like Alien civilization would look down upon is civilizations that just take I've taken way too long to get to get good Oh, yeah, you know because they're with you know like you would be proud you go We we went from you know single-celled organism to to pan galactic energy-based life form. And these you based life form within about 7,000 years. Yeah. And how did I do that? I worked hard. We worked hard. We worked hard. We wanted it. We created a system early on. It's all about structure. You know how we did it? No safety net. No welfare.

Absolutely, everybody. No, we just let those people die. Everybody who couldn't find a job, everybody who was down on their luck. Yeah. Dead. Dead. Dead.

And that way they weren't using up our resources. And that's how we had enough resources on our planet. I wonder whether that's a thing. Like you could actually have a calculation of how, like you could, you know, let's say these aliens can scan a planet, they can go, look, they've got roughly this much iron, this much carbon, this much whatever, they've, you know, or this much energy on their planet,

they could, that is potentially usable. And they go, well, you need to develop at this particular pace in order to get off your planet and survive intergalactically. Or else, you guys aren't going to make it. So they could just come here and they just go, hi, we're just here to tell you that you guys are never going to make it. Anyway, see you later. Like that, like a real taunting pan galactic alien civilization. Yeah. Well, um, there is a, uh, there is a, in, he tried to go to the galaxy, there is a guy who travels, who wants to, who's an immortal, the spaceship, who's the side he wants to insult every

intelligent creature that's ever lived throughout the entirety of time and space. So it just travels around in alphabetical order. Really? Well, I guess that's the best way to do it. I mean, it would be so sad as an immortal to get to Zed and finishing off Zed and then you're like, well, I've done it now. Yeah. I guess I better get a new project. Now I want to complement every civilization. But do you think there's, I think there's something in, I mean, I don't know if it's a sketch, there's maybe a story in an alien civilization

that is pangalactic, that knows that based off of their calculations, they're modeling on how civilizations get to being pan-galactic and all that kind of stuff, that just comes to a planet and just lets them know that they're never going to make it. Well, I think that is good. And I think the comic premise is that, on that is the flip of that. There's an important, whenever aliens contact us, there's an important message they want

to tell us, is it the secret of immortality? Is it the importance of world peace or something like that? What if, and they've just shown up and they're just like, yeah, thumbs down, you're not going to make it. Just letting you know, you don't have what it takes. Yeah. And I wonder if, when we heard that, do you think that we'd be happy? Like, maybe a species we could just relax and be like, it's okay, it's not for us, you know? Like we're not meant to reach out beyond our sphere of influence, you know? Like we'd just be happy here and we'll just sort of fizzle out, but like if we want to have that pressure, that constant pressure, I'm like, oh, we'd better get off the planet. I think it's like the next level of finding out

you're gonna die. Cause I mean, like, there's your, so you find out you're gonna die and you're like, well, everything that I do in the end will, there's no save game, so it'll all kind of just end. Yeah, like that. And then you think, well, at least we're all building towards something.

We're all building towards something that will maybe potentially continue for eternity. But then when they come and they say, this won't continue for all eternity, and you guys will fizzle out. You go, wow, you just took away the second layer of comfort I had left there. And you go, all right, well, I guess I have to accept a true, true death, a true ultimate death. Not only will you die, but really everything that comes from you, this is not going anywhere.

Yeah, there's not even, there's never going to be a memory of you in the future. Everything is going to burn. It's going to burn down. So I guess we already knew eventually, but we sort of thought that maybe there was, but no, there's nothing like, no, but like, you know, there's, you know, there's still a possibility in your mind that we could find a way to reverse entropy or, or even like that there's a, that there's a, a next, like, there's a, there's a universe behind the universe. Right. You know, like, like, that there's, you know, I don't know,

you hear weirdos with conspiracy theories. I think like, who's the guy who wrote the Invincibles? He's like this Scottish guy. I think he wrote for Batman for a lot. I can't remember what is the name of it. Frank Miller? No, he's the other one. Anyway, Alan Moore.

No, no, no, that's the two. Yeah, that's the, no, there's the two. Yeah, there's another one. With my surface level knowledge of graphic novels. Bald head, anyway, and he talks about like having seen these multi-dimensional creatures that are like long, like caterpillars kind of think, because you have, their length comes from the passage of time. Right.

That's what they kind of have that fourth dimension in terms of. Like in Donnie Darko. Yeah, I guess a bit like in Donnie Darko. And so there's that. And so the idea that there would be living organisms that live within other dimensions that we can't even access like that. And you go, at some point, maybe they'll pull us out of this one.

Yeah. I guess it's not going to happen. That's not going to, you know, finding out that this alien civilization comes, that and you go, at some point maybe they'll pull us out of this one. I guess it's not gonna happen. That's not gonna, you know, finding out that this alien civilization comes at this and they tell you, like, sorry, I just wanna, I think you just need to accept this, you need to quail.

Be quite nice if they came and told us that, like before we spend all this money on trying to get to Mars or something, like that would actually be like, a useful piece of information for them to come down. Oh yeah. Don't waste your time. Absolutely. Because you don't got it kid. Like like like moving to LA to try and pursue acting. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're not going to. I got it or you ain't and you ain't a young boxer. A young boxer who could just save 10 years on his

life and like so much like punches to the head. Yeah, you just go, I'm sorry kid, you just ain't got it. Look at, look this is what you're dealing with and you should be 10 years ahead of where you are at your age or. Yeah, that would be good if they came down to our planet and they brought a couple of examples of like species or like humanoids or like animals

that have got what it takes and they could just bring them out and say, see, look at Xan Thor here. Xan Thor, okay, his species has only really been out of the oceans for about 10,000 years, okay, and they've already developed a sort of pan-galactic communications network. They're interacting with other species. They've done all of this based on an entirely renewable economy. And like, I think you just need to look and see, see, this is the kind of species that makes it. Yeah.

And just have a good thing about you and like what you really do, because I think you deep down, you probably know that it's not for you. Oh, you're not convinced that. Okay, over here is aastan, and his creature, they're sort of just a floating head thing, they float using quantum locking. They also have an...

Do you guys know about quantum locking? Oh, I think I saw one side. I think I saw a guy do a YouTube video of that. No, no, well, they're beyond YouTube videos because they just use it. Anyway, they also have quantum entanglement communication and they're built into their brains. So they can stick really on the projection of him into this three dimensions, which

is amazing that that's all that you can perceive. Anyway, so we just want to let you guys know that there's no hope for you guys, and you could just save a lot of time by just trying to at least enjoy your years while you're here. And might I say the water slide, that looks like a lot of fun. Well done. And I would say probably the peak of what you've achieved. And if you just stop there, that's great. I would say, I would say, I would take more of that. Yeah. More of that. Yeah.

You go have fun on that. Yeah. Yeah. Look, a lot of, you know, you know, Ellen Thor's, yeah, planet. They would love a water slide. But you know what, they're too busy, you know, populating the entire universe and the other universes. But anyway, um, by the way, I'm just wondering if maybe would you guys be able to help us get off our planet? Good one. Yeah, very good.

Anyway, so thanks a lot for listening. We're going to be off now. Good luck and enjoy it while you got it. Us, them helping us to get off the, our planet would be like, you know, asking a boot to help some dog shit get off the pavement, you know? Like what's in it for the boot? Yeah, I mean, I guess in a way it's more like a dog shit asking a boot to take it off the pavement. Isn't that what I said?

Oh, is that what you said? Yeah. Oh, wow. There you go. I guess I thought you said it was the boot asking a dog shit to take it off the pavement. Well, I'd be weird, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that would have been, that would have been.

Imagine that if you were a white dog here and you stepped in a boot. Oh. Okay, alternative you to this. People are dog shit. Humans are on the pavement. Dog shit out humans, but humans are made of dog shit. Real here, this has,

this feels like, it feels like, you know, during the 90s when they could, they would make it a very kind of weird high concept. Kids characters. No, not even kids characters like sitcoms. There was like dinosaurs and there was third, third rock from the sun. Yeah. There's different things like that, right?

And what there was one was like a talking baby. I think maybe that was in the 2000s at some point. Anyway, like these kind of weird like high concept sitcoms that... Harry and the Henderson's. Harry and the Henderson's. Things that kind of weird like high concept sitcoms that Harry in the Henderson's, Harry in the Henderson's things that kind of like the writing is like I think third rock was pretty good, but like most of the time the writing isn't good enough to justify the high

concept. The idea that like like at some point somebody would give the go ahead to a sitcom where everybody's a dog shit. And the I stopped in a boot field like exactly the kind of joke that would be in the pilot. That was the joke that got it picked up. And then they were like, fine, now we've got to keep this going until we get syndication. What's that? Seven seasons? Okay.

Alright, let's see. What other things happened to you? Okay Oh you scraping a boot off your foot with a stick. Okay, yeah grandpas gone all white. Yeah Okay, we got this we got this I think this I think this has legs Mom where did I come from? Dog's Anus. Yeah, I guess a dog's anus would kind of be like, God or like a queen, like the queen of the, yeah, I guess.

Like a queen bee would be the dog. Do you think they all came from one dog or maybe they worship the dog's anus like they were people worshiped. God, like we're all dog's anus, like there were people worshiping. We're all dog's anus children. Yeah. Yeah. I suppose so.

Like, maybe there is one mythic, I'm trying it. I don't know. I had a glimpse of a way that this could happen magically, but I lost it. I got distracted thinking back to our alien civilization, that sort of thing in the Hubble space telescope, and how like, when we look at planets, we decide whether or not they're habitable, right? Like, we're using all these things to infer if they're in the Goldilocks zone, if we could

actually live there, which is a bit of a generalization, isn't it? Like it's just saying, like all this planet is habitable, right, we're sort of generalizing to say that it's, you know, it's probably habit, well, you know what planet's like in this area of like, I don't know what planet is like. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,

and I guess the idea of a telescope that can, is very powerful, but not so powerful as to be able to like make tell a specific, all it can do is make generalizations about distant planets. I think that is funny, but then how is this different to the previous one? I don't know. Well, I mean, the previous one got pretty wild and pretty broad. It got very broad. I mean, you could, you could sort of imagine that on like a two and a half men.

Yeah, when I, obviously, when I say broad, that's what I was being, Alistair was meaning the broad comedy, the sort of the bums and boobs and farts that you took it to mean. So where's the dog shit concept sitcom? That was kind of a more like, that was a more high-brow, a bit more like a phrasier kind of. Yeah, kind of a phrasier, but like, you know, like on Netflix.

Yeah, yeah. No laugh track. I mean, it would be great if one of the dog, if the dog shit thing referenced all these other sitcoms. So one of them, like maybe the dad was a radio psychologist. And then another one, like, I don't know, somebody worked in it, like one in one worked in a bar, you can reference cheers and,

and, and, Fraser and, well, well, then it'd be great when somebody calls up the radio psychologist, a dog, and, and tells him that they feel like shit. They feel like dog, you should dog shit. I feel like absolute dog shit. Well, congratulations.

Well, that's good. Bully for you. Ha, ha, ha. Ah, Ross. Ross. Ha, that's good. bully for you. Rose. Next like Cola. There's like a it's like a kind of friends like there's a will they want they mash their dog. Get together. You haven't written.

Have you written down this dog shit. Yeah, it's written, yeah, it's dog shit concept sit-com. Oh, wow. I think that's one of the best ideas we've had. Okay, so is that, I say like as a sketch, whether or not we could actually make it, probably we couldn't write, but we could definitely have the creators

of the sitcom talking about it. Yeah, I think you would have, you could sort of, I mean, look, obviously this is in a situation where we have money where we could make dog shit costumes. Obviously. Yeah. But yeah, I think it would be like people talking about this show that they,

it was the 90s. Things were, like there was so much money. There was money going around. There wasn't streaming services and things like that. You know, that like, people were willing to invest in crazy ideas, you know, Harry and the Henderson's was doing really well. Yeah.

And that's when I came up with it. Dog shit sit. Dog shit sit, cow. I stepped in a boot. I'd actually been into pitchitcha, another script which was about a scientist to invent a time-travel machine and he goes back and forth interacting with himself in different periods of time. Anyway, the executive told me that it was a complete pile of shit and as I was leaving the meeting, I thought, you know what? Complete pile of shit. And as I was leaving the meeting, I thought,

you know what, complete pile of shit. Oh, that's an idea. That's an idea. That's an idea. Yeah, that's great. Look, I think, because I just want to see more of this show, where everyone's a dog shit and they worship this. You know, what would that sitcom be like if it was like Roseanne, you know,

and people were going through, it was a teenage dog shit going through. Yeah, well, I guess. You know, what would happen once the dog shit wins the lottery? Wow. I feel like that would be sort of when the show jumped a shark a little bit when they made

the dog shit family win the lottery. Yeah. And, you know, the stuff that had grounded it into reality wasn't there anymore. When the dog shit visits Australia. Oh, God. All right, we need to get one more. Yeah. And then we will, we just need to get one. We just need to get one more

Something obviously won't be able to get something as good as our dog shit idea. No, no, I mean that's the High jump is weird. Yeah, you know like I can't believe yeah first of all how high people can jump so high So so something I think the highest can jump over like a door frame? Yeah, well, that's incredible. But the thing is that it's the Fosby flop, that they're doing. Or Fosby, Fosby Flosby Flosby Flosby. Flim, Flimsy Flam-

Flimsy Flam- Flimsy Flam. The Flimsy Flam. It's what they're doing, right? So that in order to become the best jumping, Flim's be flim's flim's flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the flim's the, yeah. I guess there's a sketch in somebody trying to top the flubs, be flopped, flopped, but whatever it's called, the flimsy flopped. Yeah. That was an Australian, then a flippy flube.

Yeah, I think it was. I think it was. And because before then, it was all Cesar kicks. It was all Cesar kicks and it really was just people jumping over a stick, which looking back on it just sounds stupid. It was amazing that it made it to the Olympics, like it wasn't amazing at all. Obviously before the Cesar Kick there was the paper kick. And then the Cesar Kick beat paper kick. uh and and well and then the scissors kick beat paper kick yeah yeah yeah yeah but then

the flimsy flop whatever it was the flopsie flop I don't know is there a sketch in the in the finding a new method I guess that that seems yeah um and it's just got to the point I'll stay where I feel like we've talked about everything before I'm like Ah, we've already done a sketch on the Fosby flop. Have we? I have no idea What about no idea guys? It's like trying to revolutionize it and he just he just has a car And he's just he just goes Like he's just driving at the at the big pad and the thing and then somehow he flips the car like he he rolls the car Like you know so it's a big thing. He rolls the car he gets flung out of the window over the thing. I don't know if you could you know because you can use a pole for pole holding. What about car

rushing a car crashing car to Poulton. I was reading a report of an accident in the papers, quite horrific, and actually it said that the body had been throwing 20 metres from the car, and I thought 20 metres. I reckon I could do 30. That's good. Jesus. I mean, that's longer than any man's ever jumped. Yeah. That's I mean that's longer than any man's ever jumped. Yeah, and I called up the the committee the Olympic Committee And I said is there anything in the rule book that says I can't be being thrown

My body can't be being thrown clear of a crashing vehicle Yeah, like if he's joining pole Valtting and he's like, wait, wait, there's no rule that says that it has to be an actual poll and that it can't be a car that is rolling on its side. No, that's, that's something. Is that kind of an idea? I mean, look, can I just, look, I'll put a one and a two over the dash that make it like a half idea sure?

Sure, sure, yeah, point five and okay, well what about Also With the with the high jump thing right because the people I think I think when he first did the the flippy-dube People were like oh can you can you even do that? And they were like yeah, you can like People were like, can you even do that? And they were like, yeah, you can. Like the other people who had tried other ways of doing the high jump, but their strategies, and I'm sorry, this is such a dumb idea,

their strategies involved, taking the pole off, and putting it down lower, and jumping over it there, were turned out that that actually was not allowed under the rules. Yeah, well, you're allowed to like, because you can touch the bar with your back right, and as long as it doesn't fall off. Really? I think so. I thought you were. Yeah, wow. Okay. I think as long as it does. It's pretty, it's pretty lightly on there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so the, anyway, I think as long as it's pretty it's pretty Lightly on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and so the idea like anyway, let's say you can I have to I have to make an assumption here because I don't actually know the rules

Wow, let's say you can doesn't seem like us because I think you can I think you can touch the bar and as long as it doesn't fall off You can so somebody who invents a technique where as you're jumping you grab the bar Yeah, pull it below you and flip it behind your back, sit it like a basketball, and put it back up again. And put it back up. What about somebody who invents a technique where, as they're jumping, they distract everyone

in the stadium. Well, look away. Including the cameras. Including the cameras. Oh, look, as he's going up, he shouts, oh, look, it's Joe to Maggio. And everyone swings around when we turn back, he's going up he shouts, oh look, it's Joe D'Amegio. And everyone swings around when we turn back,

he's on the mat. The bar is there. We just assumed that he did it. And the thing was, he managed to keep us doing that all the way through all the trials, all the way up to the Olympic Grand Final. Look, it's Marilyn Monroe. It's Frank Sinatra.

It was a celebrity obsessed culture at the time. We were all, everyone was, you know, hoping to see someone. You go to the Olympics to see and to be seen. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it didn't seem important. But mostly to see. It didn't seem, indeed. But it didn't seem implausible that that Joe DiMaggio could be there. But but of course if he was there, you wouldn't want to miss him Yeah, that's right. You wouldn't want to be the only person in the stadium who didn't check out Joe D'Ammaggio And the and the person who's best who's best the position to spot a Celebrity in the in the audience would be a person who's in the middle of the stadium

Sort of you know looking around as they're about to jump highly. And so he can... A vantage point. From that vantage point. I guess it... Maybe it makes more sense if it is a pole-volta. You know, because they are so high up. I guess we all said to ourselves, you know.

He's up there or he's on the pole. Maybe he has spotted Elvis in the crowd Yeah, I mean nobody had seen Elvis for a few years people were very hungry for news JD Salad Joe. Oh, of course the great man a recluse You know JD Salad Joe and he's putting the finishing touches on his new novel. Yeah, he looks very satisfied with it. Look, of course, we're a very literary culture. You know, everybody's engaged with these kind of great writers.

We're all gonna take a look. Many of the people were there sitting there reading books. Yes. They only looked up that the people who weren't looking out for JD Salinger were actually looking down. And so that was another way that he could really get a get away with this and To this day like it like it's it a way it's a it's a form of performance enhancement that isn't drugs, right?

Or like you know is it is was he cheating? I mean, we don't know We'll never know You know was was Muhammad Ali cheating when he did his rope adope to distract the other boxer? Yes. You know, well, it seems to be within the rules. You know, and as long as the other people or, you know, the audience are distractable

or your opponent is distractable, I think that seems to be a fair game. It's a slight of hand, it's misdirection, it's the magician's art. You know, and it's actually a fair game. It's a slight of hand, it's misdirection, it's the magician's art. You know, and it's actually a lost art. A lot of the, a lot of the Paul Voldus these days just focus on the jumping, you know? But there used to be so much more to this.

It's just, it's, it's, it's. Now you go along and it's jump, jump, jump. It used to be, and I can't help but feel that we've lost something. It used to be run, I can't help but feel that we've lost something. It used to be run, distracted, everybody in the world who's possibly looking and then somehow cheat the jump, and then land. I mean, the thing, the reality is that with our modern technology and with our constant surveillance and our, you know, our 24 hour culture and the phones, everyone's mobile phones and

sort of thing, this just can't be done anymore. It's no longer practical to distract the entire audience present by just calling out the name of a celebrity. And I for one feel that we've lost something. Yeah, I think the only way really these days, I mean look, this is just speculative obviously nobody's trying to Attempting this these days, but would be to but I think if somebody was to go back to this technique would be to To run with your pole towards the you know towards the the jumping area and then You should really come up with a nine for that. Yes, yell something out that is so inspiring or reflective that it makes everyone look inwardly. Wow. Yeah, that even people who are staring at the cameras, staring at the screens, watching this on YouTube at home. Momentarily they are taken out of this externally focused life that we have

of constant media consumption and constant feedback and connection and just to take a moment to look within. Something that resonates so strongly, and epiphany, a universal, so profound, that everyone is temporarily blinded while they look inwards. And I mean, people who are listening on the radio may even crash because they hear this in their cars. And pole-voting will no longer be allowed

to be broadcast along the radio waves. And it's it's it's interesting I think that you know once upon a time that if somebody did come across such an epiphany as they have such a realization that you know that they might have chosen to use that as a way to distract people to win at poll vault instead of in today's cynical culture where they'd probably use it to sell a self-help book or something like that. It's disgusting that people would use that to make money in rather than rather than to cheat at Pulvolta. Pulvolta, I think that Buddha would have made a great Pulvolta, not in the physique, but in the power of his simple

wisdom to make us, to take our eyes off of such things, you know, not care about who wins or loses. Realising. Because obviously it would be very difficult to see Buddha. Who I think, I think when we talk about Buddha, we talk about the fat guy. Yeah. I think that's not Buddha. I think from what I've heard, that's not Buddha at all.

What? Yeah. Someone else? I think that is someone else. And I feel like I think I read it in a commonly common misconceptions kind of thing recently and I went Well, that is a very common misconception. It's a very common. Yeah The I guess that is technically the end

And I think maybe we have yeah, we probably have gone for long enough I did have one other thing that we could talk about that I remembered. Yes. I think just there's a good, recently there was a, you know, like maybe last year or something like that, there was studies that kind of came out that said, you spending money on experiences will definitely bring more joy into your life than spending money on material things. The important thing is that we're spending money. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. And yesterday I was reading another article where it was saying, there's been more studies since then looking at this. And we found that you get basically the same amount of joy out of both things. Because it's weird. How do you distinguish when you buy an object? Yes.

Isn't that in a way an experience? You're getting an experience. If you buy a book, you're getting the experience of reading the book. It's like, if you buy a television or a guitar, you are getting experiences out of it and different things like that. So it's like, how are you differentiating these things? And you're basically just, it was just another kind of thing that came out like that. That is a whole lot of bullshit. Anyway, I don't know if there's a sketch.

I mean, it's really interesting. Is it like, like, how would you do that? How would you separate the idea of an object from the experience of getting and using that object? I guess you go like, well, look, the book, the book to be honest, I was having a lot of fun with it when I bought it. First of all, when I bought it,

that I brought a lot of joy in my life, right? Your mic just went off, I think. Maybe not try it. It is. It is. Yeah. Karaki. Anyway.

Forget that. We're coming back from technical difficulties. And we just want to move on. We just want to move on. Put it all behind us. Get our lives back in order. All right, so here's today's ideas. We got the Academy of Failure.

This is for people. It's like a school for people who are making things that are so bad that potentially it's good. Potentially, it could be the worst. But it is the worst. But you get enjoyment out of it. Like it's not good in any way, but it's, but you, you get enjoyment out of it. And it's to get people to harness that power to bring joy into people's lives

through making something terrible because you're excelling at being bad. Very well, explain that. Let's say, thank you. Then there's the celebrity dies and the only person that is around to help investigate their death is their crazed soccer fan. Now, I think a lot of people listen to that will be like, is the twist at the end that it was the crazed stalker fan who did the murder? Who did the murder? And I just want to make it clear that maybe. And you're good.

Yes. You're good. Do you think there's an FX mini series in this? Absolutely. I mean Netflix had picked this up like a fucking shot. Like that. Bam. Bam.

Sold. Sold. Oh man, this is great. This is going to really change our lives. Yeah. All right, first Netflix series. All right, then we got a pan-galactic alien civilization. They come here to let us know that we just don't go to that we're not going to make it.

Yeah. That, you know, they, they've been around for a long time. They, they make huge generalizations about different parts of the universe and they, they, they can look at us and they know that what it takes to become a civilization that is pan-galactic and, and they just want to say to site look I just want to save us the trouble. Yeah Don't even bother trying you can get way more enjoyment out of out of just You know

Experiencing your lives and maybe focusing more on water slides That is what I really wear where where you guys have peaked I'm such a big fan of water slides because I mean they could even tell us they could even go here like you know That quantum stuff quantum computing and quantum stuff, quantum computing, and quantum stuff that you're going into, it's a dead end. That actually is not, you're not going anywhere with that. There's no, there's no way done that.

Yeah, and like, like, like, like, and if there was, you guys wouldn't be the ones to find it. Yeah. Trust me. Yeah. Like we scanned your brain structures, and like, just the, the level of cognitive ability to lengthen outside the box, you won't be able to get your heads around what needs to be done.

You can't even make a computer that could figure it out. Yeah. Yeah, that is not even within your capability. Even groupthink, even if you connected yourselves altogether, you couldn't do it. Which you couldn't do, by the way. Which you couldn't do by the way which you couldn't do but we could yeah Then we've got the dog shit concept sitcom Where it's just a it was a 90's sitcom it was a 90's where everybody it was a piece of dog shit or you know a whole dog shit And it all started off with the joke I stepped on a boot

Don't trace that through our house Yeah, we'll track that through our house. Then we kind of got two half ideas, which is about a high jump. And sort of somebody who was trying to find a way to move on the, what was it called? The flimsy flop there, the flubby flop. Yeah, and obviously the first half idea is the guy who tries to do a bike driving, driving a car, and then sort of quickly turning the wheel, and then rolling the car and getting flung out the window and going over like that.

And then there's the person who, before jumping, points out a celebrity's a there's Mickey Mantle Like that and then everybody looks away and then obviously there's the future I mean that you know that that idea was given up upon but there's the possibility of somebody going back and looking at that kind of old technique and thinking Maybe there was something in that is there a way that I can bring that back? Bring that back, but he does it through, coming, bringing up an epiphany so profound that he says as he's running at the thing, that everybody looks inward and doesn't see his jump.

And it's just... No, I'm entirely, they forget the world of shadows that is all that we normally perceive. Yeah, and he sees the, they, they, they, briefly, they witness the, the only real truth that is within. Yeah, and he sees the they they briefly they witness the the only real truth that is within. Yeah. And he has to come up with a new one of those every time. And we still haven't established exactly what he's doing. Yeah.

I mean, maybe he's not going over it at all, right? Maybe he's just running and jumping on the mat, but we'll never know. Yeah, we won't know. And it's, and, and, you know, that's, he has to do a lot of meditating to come up with these, especially because, you know, each event has at least three jumps. And I think his opponents couldn't even really begrudge him, you know, because he's obviously done the work. And he's brought so much depth to their lives. Yeah. So in a way, it's like, is he physically fit?

Do you think this guy? I guess he doesn't need to be. Yeah, but he does have a team of monks working with him behind the scenes, I guess. Maybe that's it. Maybe he was originally a monk. He is just a monk, but he always wanted to be a elite sports person.

He's a monk with a huge ego. He wanted it all. He wanted everything. He wanted to dissolve the ego, but at the same time, have the biggest ego. How can I use dissolving the ego as a path to five. Yeah. And that is this the Buddhist story episode. So boom.

Thank you so much for listening to to the thing tank. We we really do appreciate it. Please follow us on Twitter. I'm at Stupid Old Andy. I'm at Alistair TV. We are at Two In Tank. You can check out at Planet B casting.

Yeah, and just Planet Broadcasting. Check out all their podcasts. The weekly planet. This is the worst fit of the show. Where Alistair tries to remember the other podcast. To go To pop is now on there to pop. Yeah check those out Don't you know who I am. Yeah, don't you know who I am? Steel wars Filthy casual filthy casuals are on the check those guys out. They're doing some great stuff

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