Two In The Think Tank - 95 - "R.A.T K.I.N.G.D.O.M"

Episode Date: September 5, 2017

To Be A Spy, RAT, NICHE Scheme, Eccentretsy, Easy Tiger Thanks to MVMT watches for supporting this episode! Visit mvmt.com/thinktank for 15% OFF and FREE SHIPPING and FREE RETURNS on STYLISH AND AFFORDABLE WATCHES And you can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!) Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here Thanks to George Matthews for producing   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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from our great mates. Alistair, when was the last time you did something good for your wrist? Well, I was applying lotion to it just before you said that. You've already said that. You've already used the lotion thing. Okay. Your wrist now takes that for granted. Okay. Well, I hate to break this to you, but you've got a high maintenance wrist. Yeah. And it needs something more. It needs something every day and something new.

Oh, I took it out for a buffet. There you go. You don't see buffets that much, is there? No, and the risk gets to do a lot of work at a buffet. Yeah. The risk is really the lifting, the serving, the flicking, the scalping, the scooping. Yeah, I just immerse it in some like oversteamed pumpkin.

Well, you know another great thing that you can do for your wrist is go to mvmt.com-forge-think-tank and get yourself a watch. Is it like a luxury watch for an affordable price? I lost it. Do you think I would be bringing this up if it wasn't? Do you think if this was like some some dud watch? Some, you know, I had once had a terrible watch buying experience in a Salamanka market

in Hobart, Tasmania, bought a watch from a lady at a stall. That ended up being made of war. It cost me like 50 bucks or something, right? And it said water resistant to like 20 meters. And then you went to it. And it was big chunking one, I was like, this is gonna be so good.

I'm gonna have a big chunky watch. I'm always gonna know the time, even when I'm deep in the water. And anyway, I wore it in the water. And anyway, Warren and the Shower and it broke. And I took it back to the lady and she said, nah, it's nothing I can do. You were doing the washing up and this weren't you? And I said, no, I don't know.

Well, even if you were, even the apparently detergent was a, anyway, look, it was a piece of crap watch. This is, I shouldn't be bringing that up. No, well, makes people distrust watches. No, no, no. Not this kind of quality watch that we're talking about here. Yeah, this is stylish, minimalist, gets you compliments. Yeah.

NVMT. Slash, think tank. And do you like dogs? I thought you like dogs. I heard you like dogs. I'm in a gang. I'm in a gang. I'm going to push a dog. I'm going to get my cat in there. I'm gonna push a dog, I'm gonna get my cat in there. I'm gonna use a stale, I'm gonna push your dog. Come inside my ear. And this is two in the think tank to show where we come up with

two, five skaters. This is the first time I've ever left it to you to say that number. Yeah. It occurred to me that I may not have learned it. It's not a five episode to tell us to have you not be listening. I've been, I have been half paying attention the whole time. It sounds like just slightly less than half.

Maybe, you know, two fifths you've been paying attention. Yeah. I get it. Wait, no, it's less than half, doesn't it? Yeah. You're two fifths, so you're right. You got it all, the maths was correct. Thank you for checking my working out though.

This is the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I am Alice to George William, Trumply, virtual. And I just found out that my mom called me on the other day and she said that I might be a British citizen. Are you serious? Because of all the stuff that's been going on in the Australian politics here, a lot of people have been turned, politicians have been turning out to be jewel citizens and that's

in our constitution. Yeah, by dissent, that's, turns out that it's not legal. The fate of the government is like literally in the high court right now to decide whether or not they're legitimate, they have enough people who are actually legitimately able to sit in Parliament to make a government. Yeah. And then because of that, there's been a few tests being like, Hey, are you a British citizen or Canadian citizen? And I am a Canadian citizen as well, but turns out I do quite a high chance that I'm a UK citizen now as well.

So triple citizenship here potentially. Yep. You're a triple banger. And they're going to be good for being a spy, but only a spy for the Russians or something like that. It would be really good for me. Yeah, right. Okay. So because otherwise, any kind of citizenship that is traceable to anywhere is probably a bad

idea, right, for a spy. Like, the number of citizenship you have shouldn't be an issue because nobody should know who you are. Yeah, well, if they know that you're a legitimate citizen of a place, then you're already in trouble. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you're in, let's say, the Somali Embassy, and you're a, let's say, Palestinian. Yes. And there's currently a lot of beef going on between you, these two countries. Somalis in the Palestine.

Yeah, in the Palestinians. And then you're like, what's your name? And you go, Robert Palestine from Palestine. And then you go, are you a spy? He goes, don't answer this question. I'm also Robert Palestine from Scotland. Your multiple citizenship won't save you. Oh yeah, I see, yeah.

That's what I'm saying. But I think if you're a spy for a country, it's best to just not be from that country. Right, okay, so like, it's great. Okay, so from that country. Right. Okay, so like if you, it's great. Okay, so if you want to be a spy for Russia, don't be Russian. Yeah, don't be Russian. Which is brutal. Because I imagine like so many people from Russia would love

to be a spy for Russia. Well, you know, but the foreigners, they come there, they take their jobs. Yeah. But also if you're a spy for Russia, don't even go to Russia Because then they'll see that on your on your record And they'll be like well, what are you spending all that time in Russia? You spy for Russia Like that. That's I mean your first thought. Yeah. Is that a sketch? Well, I think yeah, there's an idea like that like where you know, maybe it's a Russian spy agency

That's see that's a thing., that's why double agents are so good, right? Because if you're a double agent who's a spy, you're supposed to be a spy for Britain, but you're actually a spy for Russia, and you've got a really good reason to go to Russia. You can tell everyone you're spying on the Russian. Oh, I see that helps being a double agent. Oh, man.

But that's hard because it's so difficult to get a spy job in your own country. And let alone two spy jobs. Yeah. I mean, it'll be easier to get a spy job in Russia. But if you get an excuse to go to Russia, you have to already be a spy in your own country. In your own country. It's a high bar. Yeah. Yeah. So, but I mean, it could just be, it's an agency, yep, spy agency. It could be from Russia, but it could just be from Britain. It could be MI5. Sure.

And then it's the job interview where they're saying, well, the fact that you're from this country is a huge kind of disadvantage because, well, the fact, like you have a British accent and everybody, everybody's going to be able to tell that you're from Britain. And so... The me of fact that you're in here, applying be a British spy is a sign that you shouldn't be a British spy. You see, obviously all the other spy agencies have, like, they look at who comes in and

out of this building because they know that that's where the spies are going. That's where the spies go. But also, like, you clearly love this country. Yeah. Right? And we can't have that. Really, we love somebody who probably doesn't love this country all that much. Then no one would think that they're a spy. And so there we go, and that's the spy sketch.

No, that's terrible. Okay. But is that what... So, can you explain to me what the sketch is again? Because I don't think I have it in my mind as a sketch A guy comes in and he says you can't be a spy here because you're from here Well, no, no that guy won't come in. There'll be a guy who goes into the spy agency Right, and he's asking about being a spy. Okay, so okay, then maybe he can says he can say to the guy in the spy agency

Right, well then how did you get this job here? He says, the same way everybody does. All right, I came here from Russia, from my native Russia. Okay, I got a job here as a janitor. All right, they caught me flicking through some documents. I said, this guy's obviously interested in spying. Yeah. Andy's Russian.

That's perfect for us. That's perfect forying. Yeah. Andy's Russian. That's perfect for us. That's perfect for us. Yeah. He's got janitorial skills. That's good. He can pass us a janitor. Yes. We need that.

He did that. He's proven that. It was, it's basically an acting audition. Right. If you can come in and if you ask to be a spy, well straight away I know that you want, you're the kind of person who wants to be a spy. But if you can come in here and let's say you're just picking up napkins off

the ground and you're sort of like, you know, kids vomited over there and you just get up and you take the initiative to go mop that up or you kind of, you know, you get some cards out of your pockets and you kind of like start scooping it up, scooping vomit onto the card and with no regard for, you know, like start scooping it up, scooping vomit onto the card, and with no regard for, you know, like, you know, all of it. You're explaining this to the hygiene, it doesn't cost you money, you got no germ issues.

Yeah. So, whereas you come in here, telling me you wanna be a spy, I'm like, this is janitor material. First of all, the last thing you gotta do, if you wanna be a spy, is tell people that you're a spy. You wanna be a spy.

That's right, right? So, if you're telling me, and I've just met you spy is tell people that you're a spy you wanna be a spy. That's right. So if you're telling me and I've just met you how many people have you told? Yeah, right. You know, I guess, well this has always been my passion to be a spy. As a kid I told everyone I wanted to be a spy. I run my thesis in primary school, spying and me. Spying and me at home, I got a big, sort of bookshelf full of old spy books

and James Bond DVDs. You ask anybody on the spy guy. Spy guy, right? The spy guy in the group. If you want a group has one. If you really want to be a spy, you got to, it's a very young age, have it not crossed your mind at all.

Yeah. Is that a sketch? Yeah, I think that's a sketch. I think what it takes to be a spy is you've got to not want it. You've got to play hard to get. And you've probably got to also not have the skills as well, I think. You know, you recognize the lack of skill in someone you were like, no one would ever think this person is a spy.

There are a set of skills that you develop on the job. Sure. I guess it's like that that president sketch that we kind of came up with many years ago. Reluctant president? Reluctant president where they basically have to surprise you with becoming a spy. Yeah, and it's a bit like that other sketch we came up with years ago, surprise Olympics,

where we don't tell anyone there's gonna be their Olympics and then suddenly they're in their Olympics. Well, it's a better judge of natural, of yeah, of a country's natural skill level. Yeah, randomly selected groups. Yeah, maybe you could select five people from the court. Like, quite like this is a way of structuring society in general. Yeah. Is that every job is randomly allocated.

Yeah. And then we just see how you do. It would certainly take the pressure of hot, before, you know, high performance and that sort of thing and you get a much broader cross section of people doing things which is great, bringing their skills or lack there of to jobs such as molecular surgery. And also, you just get allocated a wife or husband know whatever you're into. Oh, but it is what you're into? Yeah, yeah, that's good. It's what you're into, but not who you're into.

And you could, but you wouldn't. And you have to change every three years. Wow. But any sign of abuse and then you're out of the system, they melt you down. Okay, you're liquefied and you're out of the system. They melt you down. You liquefied and you fed to the living. Because that's the problem. It's matrix rules.

If you're gonna put, yeah, it's matrix rules. If you're gonna, if you're gonna, you know, secretly a lot, not secretly, but, you know, through us, through, you know, randomly allocate people to people. It's occasionally you're gonna be allocating people to people who are bad. Sure.

And so there's gotta be a quick swift zero tolerance, no tolerance. Quick swift swift, zero tolerance and no lengthy trial. Yeah. Anytime. You're not even nice. Well, let's let's be honest, the person running the trial, they haven't done this. They don't know what they're doing. They probably want it over and done with. There's no point running a trial. There's no point dragging this out because, you know, the judge, he's going to be up front with you. Everyone will be up front with you. I don't know what I'm doing here. Let's just say you're guilty. The trick is to just basically get into a get get coupled up with somebody and the race and the race is on to to to dub the other person in before they dub you in.

Oh, I like this, Sasan. I feel like I'd be very relaxed. I think I think this is a thing. I think this is a sketch. Random random allocation theory. Yeah. Or rat. Random allocation theory or rat. It'll be a fiction. We live in a rat kingdom. And kingdom is also an acronym of kind of inconvenient, not great organizational organizational method, with a D in there as well.

Is there, oh yeah. Kingham. I just wrote Kingham. You wrote Kingham? Yeah. That's what I, that's how I did my acronym. It's crazy. Without looking at the thing that you did,

Kingham, it's not even a silent D. It's not about Kingham feels more right, doesn't it? Kingham. Kingham. It's not about, but it, but it, but it, kingdom feels more right, doesn't it? King him. King him. It's really strange. And I see, which is also something that will happen at some point in society. Or whoever's like the, you know, who's currently been allocated to the organizing body, you'll be like, King of boys, like that. And then they'll go and throw

on your head. A clapper, clapperapper crown on your head. Perhaps some gold chain around your neck. It'd be like a whirl and chain. We're all in chains together. I don't know, maybe not. I guess what's fun about it is that you kind of get to experience reincarnation without having to die.

Wow. I guess because you get to kind of you get to be your life And you know you get to be reborn new life, you know new set of people around you You can be anybody you want, you know before you know your partner Doves you in you get melted down But I guess you know, but what a glorious couple of months. Do you think you think that they'll allocate like I guess, you know, but what a glorious couple of months. Do you think that they'll allocate, like, that we have to stay within the human kingdom or do you think that some people will be allocated

to being dogs and birds, like that? I guess at some point we will have eradicated most of the other species from the world. Because that's interesting, because we are using robots are taking our jobs. At the same time as we're making a lot of animals extinct. Seems to me, I see an obvious solution here that we take over their jobs.

We become the animal kingdom. I'm the swift nibbling finch. And I'm the one who crawls up the bark of the tree, pushing bits side to side, looking for bugs. Yeah, and I'll, and I'll, and I'll, and I'll be the seahorse, male, right? And I just, I'll be, you know, having eggs in my belly, like that. And then when they all hatch, I just go, and they shoot out, like, it looks like you're shooting out sperm, but you're actually shooting out your young, like that. And they've all just watched a video of that today.

Wow. Ugh, ugh, like that picture. Did I survive? Did this male seahorses, is that it for them? Are they done? No, he looks lame, it was done really well. He's done it really well. He could do that again.

He was surrounded by clouds of his young. He's never been in a better place. That sounds stressful. All right, well, I don't think he feels any responsibility towards him. I mean, maybe if a big fish comes by, like, but what is he going to do? I think this is a whole new sketch that I like is the people taking the jobs of animals, right? It's the, it's the, you know, we've got a crisis of employment and under employment. Okay, maybe it's even, could it even be a work

for the doll? Is that too undignified to make it a work for the doll system where the government is like, you know, the banded waste coat frog is going extinct on the land where they're going to build the Adani mine. We want to be able to have the Adani mine. So we've decided what we'll do is we'll send out some work for the old people to be the banded waste coat frog. And they have to sort of do all their duties. They occupy its ecological niche so that the biosphere doesn't collapse. So they kind of like do they sort of sleep under the mud create little pocket troubles.

They borrow down in their backwards and helps air right. And then they get rid of some pests, I guess, possibly the common fly. Yeah. They eat that. They maintain homeostasis in the aquatic and semi aquatic biatic by the regions. Do they get eaten by people pretending to be so- Oh wow, yeah, so the first fishers. That's stressful.

Yeah, I- Or is it kind of like a tag system where, if a kingfish decides that he comes in, he swoops in, he goes tag out like that, and you're like, okay, well, I guess I gotta go on to my next thing as I'm being a do-gang over there And I'm gonna be grazing some sea grass. You go back to the yeah the employment center Go down to center link and they tell you what you're gonna be next. Yeah, I like that

I like that so much. I think I think it's almost it's almost better than sort of watching films And you know and you know because you watch films you get to experience a thousand lives Well, this this way you know, you get to experience a thousand lives. Or this way, you know, you still get to experience a thousand lives, but then sometimes it's just that animals have much shorter lives than we do. Yeah. And we can make re-incarnation a real thing as well. It's no longer just a theory. It's no longer the theory of reincarnation.

No, it's an employment program. Yeah, that's right. And it's an environmental program. So we're helping the environment. If you're a fly for two days, and you've got to go around, you've got to touch people's face, and you've got to go around, you've got to touch a puddle, it's got oil on it, and you grab that, and you go touch a whole bunch of animals around the place, and you go touch, like, you know, but like a puddle, it's got oil on it, and then you grab that, and you go touch a whole bunch of animals around the place, and then you're like,

oh, and then you go land on a leaf for a bit, and then you're like, oh, okay, and then you run over here. And, you know, it shows these jerks who are like, oh, I just went out and I planted 2,000 trees. You're like, I was a billbe. Yeah, I was an endangered species. How's that? I was increasing bill B. Yeah, I was an endangered species. How's that?

I was increasing their numbers. Yeah, I was a springbok. I just did a summer internship as a springbok. I was in St. South Africa. And I leapt over land, I sat in the field and fertilized it. And then I got tagged out by a lion man. By a lion being a lion. Yeah.

Or a woman. A man being a woman. Actually, it would be a woman because the male lions don't hunt, do they? I would imagine occasionally they do. But most of the footage I've seen, they do a lot of laying around. A lot of laying around. But they are massive.

They are so powerful looking. It's really... Owl brought in the biggest glass of water into the podcast area. Like, I got, I went and got myself quite a big glass of water and then he went out and got himself just such a rid, I don't know why we have this glass. It's more like a vase. It's, it's just ridiculous and watching him drink from it. It's disgusting. He opens his mouth way too wide and pours just these liters of water down him. He's like Tiddlyk, that frog. Tiddlyk. What was he from? He was a dream time frog who drank all the billabongs and all the rivers. And he was disgusting as well.

who drank all the billabong and all the rivers. And he was disgusting as well. Oh my God. Yeah. And I don't know if I feel comfortable with this. He was a monster. He was, you know, I guess that's okay. You know, I guess if you drink a whole billabong, the amount of creatures that you would kill

because of, you know, the creatures that live in an ecosystem such such as a bill of bond. I guess in a way you could call, there's some kind of genocide, what are they? The animal genocide. It's a political. And I think that's fair.

I think that's fair. I don't think that's insulting to anybody, so that's great. Well done. Thank you. I got bothered a little bit by, you know, like America was doing some show of force in South Korea where they were dropping bombs in between mountains there.

What? What? What? What? Maybe a week ago or something. They were dropping bombs in South Korea. In South Korea, but like it was like... To show the North Koreans. See? Like as... See what we do to our allies. Imagine how we treat you.

No, but it was just like in the middle of a forest, you know, and it's in between some mountains and they're like, look, this is what it's like when we drop bombs like that, you know, some kind of trials of drum bopping. Wow. Bum dropping. Yeah. Drum bump. Drum bump. And anyway, all I can think about is the animals that we're living there.

Yeah. I even started to feel empathy for trees a lot recently. Really? Yeah. I felt like they would try so hard. And you see like a little plant coming up through a crack and you're like, oh man. Also, you even feel sympathy for a little plant. Little plant coming up through a crack, you're like, you are going to have such a tough go of it and you're going to try every single day to stay alive. Yeah. I've been saved in snails recently.

You snails, they have no clue. They they head down a path I don't realize that there's not gonna be rain for that much longer and they it's just gonna dry up and then they're just slime on cement yeah, someone will tread on them. Yeah, oh they go right there. So anyway, I've been like I go all right Buddy you got this far well done, but I'm getting you to some green Yeah, and you're you're really you're a god in that way like if they I go, all right, buddy, you got this far well done, but I'm getting you to some green. Yeah, and you're really, you're a God in that way. Like if they could conceptualize such a thing. They might be angry with me though. Oh, you think they?

Well, I mean, I may have just undone. Maybe there was some grand scheme that I fucked up. Right, they were on their way. Some, all they were just striking out to kill themselves. Maybe you got in the way. God. Well, I mean, what a junior. The last time I picked one up, it was it had got all the way across the car park and it was almost at a dominoes. So there's a chance. It was just going to Domino. It was just going to Domino's to get a 49 pick up pizza. Pick up pizza, some sort.

I mean, maybe he's one of their bloody delivery guys. You know what those deliveries are like. Everybody's laughing. That's why they took away that 30 minutes or it's freezing. Free things. Snails. It was just a little cheaper to get snails. Hey, but you know what is cheap?

What's that Andy? Movement watches. Yeah, actually compared to your average luxury watch. Luxury watch, what would you expect to pay for a luxury watch, hella stare? Three, four hundred thousand dollars? Wow. It, they're very much out of my range at the moment. Why? Why do you ask?

Think that no longer because movement watches, they start at $95 for a very stylish, very incredibly well made minimalist or maximalist. Watch beautiful leather band, beautiful clean face, different colors, different styles, doesn't have to be leather band. What did you get, Alistair? I got gold, baby. Yeah, that's great. I got a gold watch with a black face like that and it's scary as people.

I'm saying, it's just, it's scary as people because I got, I look like I got a lot of power. Like that. But they would have owned and cost you, you know, $95. Starts at $95. That's right. You would have you know, $95. Starts at $95. That's right, you would have started somewhere around $95. And you can get 15% off if you go to MVMT.com. Fordslash Think Tank.

You're crazy. Yeah, free shipping, free returns. Don't tell people that. Don't tell people that, make them pay full price. All right. No, no, no, no, no, that's okay. You know what, you guys deserve it, thanks for this. I reckon you chip in a little bit,

if you feel bad about getting these amazing deals, you chip in a little bit extra at the checkout. Yeah, you can do that, I think. They probably, or find one of the employees, give them $5 in person. Give them a watch. Give them a watch. They want to appreciate it. No, but I mean, like you could just watch them

with your eyes, like that. You know, just a kind regard, like you'd put at the end of an email Beautiful my sons never had a haircut, right? And he's he's almost two But his hair still looks like it's a really reasonable length not around the years I know it is it is it is reasonable. It is reasonable like mostly like his on his head But it's like it's crazy to think that he's on all his original hair Yeah, right, you know, this is like its first growth hair like it feels like that think that he's on all his original hair. Yeah, right.

You know, this is like its first growth hair. Like, it feels like that should be valuable, first of all. If I shaved that there's probably a Chinese businessman that would pay money for this, right? It's like first pressing olive oil. Yeah. Right, it's the good stuff. And so I don't know what to do with that.

Should I sort of sheer my... Shave your child's head and try and sell it on Ali Baba or Ali Express or something like that. Look and I don't and when I say Chinese I don't necessarily mean a Chinese businessman. It could be any of businessman from a weird country where they buy stuff. Any place where people do things that I don't understand Chinese as an adjective to describe everything that's beyond my ability to comprehend. Any country that I would say this kind of thing about, I was saying it about them. It was actually, it seemed like quite a specific racist statement, but it was actually a lot

broader than that. That's on you for jumping to conclusions about my prejudice. Yeah. And so I don't know, is there an idea in people who are trying to? I mean, a child's hair is like, that's already very creepy area to be in.

So whatever we're doing with this, but it's playing with fire, Alistair. Well, and fire in hair. I don't go up again. But what if it end up with a real stinky mess. Yeah. And especially if you haven't taken the hair off of the child's head. Oh!

Anyway. That's...if you're going to burn your child's hair, please make sure you remove it from their head first, okay? We don't want to know what you're doing. We just want you to follow standard safety precautions. Do the right thing. But my idea is it's a couple of guys or girls, a guy and a girl maybe, who knows, right? And what they're doing is they're trying to exploit

the sort of either eccentric billionaire or kind of, or the market of people with... Could you speak of collectives? I don't need to be an millionaire. I know, but yeah, people with strange beliefs because the idea that like tiger penis has any value is a strange thing.

It's a funny thing to me. It's a funny thing to anyone who isn't a tiger. Yeah, yeah. Tigers would be like, look, I get it. I think it's great. Yeah, I like it too. But I don't, yeah, I think it's funny that you want to kill me to get my penis or not kill me to get my penis

and just take my penis. I said the tiger. It's a kid's book I'm working on. Look, if I had to choose, said the tiger, probably the take the... This episode is brought to you by Progressive. Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive?

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Yeah. Why not take my ears? I don't know. I guess if you had to make a choice. Sure. I mean, I guess the tail maybe take that? I mean, it's a huge part of your identity, but okay. Yeah, but take the tail, leave the spine bit. Oh wow. Take the tail, leave the bit that's a spine. Is there some spine in the tail? I think there's always a little bit of

a little excess spine in the tail, maybe. Oh wow. I don't know if that's always the case. But where does the movement come from? How do you move your tail? Muscles. Muscles. Muscles. Yeah, but is there there's no bone in there? Nothing. It must be some bone, I guess. It must be

bone in the tail. Oh wow. Does your dog have a tail? Yeah. Was it feel like was it feel like? I don't really feel it because it spends all its time basically wiping their ass so I try not to touch the tail because I figure if any part of the dog that isn't the ass is going to be arse-y. Yeah. It'll be the tail. But do you feel, do you like fear that your dog will go through its life and no one will have never have understood everything about them, including its tail?

Right, you know, you want to have been, had your whole body. Explored. Explored. Explored and And known by the people who are closest to you. Yeah, yeah, and I do I do worry about that Yeah, let's but I think that's what children are for, you know They don't know about a lot of stuff and they'll grab that tail. They'll grab that tail great I think you you really took that to a much better place So do you think

There's an idea in the people who are trying to exploit? Childs here. No, it doesn't necessarily need to be childs here, but that could be one of the ideas that they have. So, it's not just childs hairs. It could also be tiger penises or it could be... Is this kind of like an Etsy, right? But just for weird shit like how you probably want this.

Yeah. You know, like, you're probably a weirdo, you probably want this thing. So, like, things that are, like, a good example is, but not one that I necessarily want to do in here, but is like, the value that people put on for genuity. Right. Sure, sure. So, what about just like, I've just shaved my moustache. Do you want it?

I mean, that's another hair one, I realize. That's where it can go to. But I think that there's these ideas of like, things that have kind of magical purity and things like that. A lot of like the first of something. Child's baby teeth as well, you know, so there's another child thing. Child's baby teeth, maybe.

What about the last breath of a dying wise man? Perfetch that in a jar? Yeah, absolutely. Albert Einstein's last breath, we got that in a jar. To be honest, it was his last breath because we had that plastic bag over his mouth. Jar on his face. Strap to it. You see? Yeah, so it's like, so, you know, it's somewhere between like an Etsy and a silk road kind

of thing. Yeah, yeah. And it's, but it's like, it is, it is every entry on there. I reckon in the description has got to be like, look, I know what you freaks alike. There's probably one of you is really into this, whatever it is. Look, I picture that that's almost more on the forum that's attached to it, or sometimes, you know,

but like I think people are treating these people with respect because you want them to buy this, what is essentially a valueless thing like your child's hair. But, and you go, this has been, you know, this is the first Growth of a of a human pure child. I mean, but that's that's so that's like to not acknowledge how creepy it is to me like I can see my way as like a that's kind of a funny approach to it like to have this website We're everyone's really upfront about the fact that they're just selling it to weirdos, right? And even the weirdos themselves are like pretty upfront about it. But I think that maybe these people behind the scenes are making

fun of these people. And we can see them behind the scenes. We can see them anywhere we want. Yeah, you see, this is, yeah, so they're setting it up and they're talking about how there's just these weirdos who want all sorts of garbage like that, you know, they'll pay for something like that. They'll pay for they'll pay for the arm skin of a cro- you know, I don't know, they'll not. I don't want it to be animal. It's, I guess- When I- when I- when I rinse a cucumber, right, I- I catch the water in a big tub. Every time I rinse the cucumber, and I've got a tub of just like,

rinsed cucumber water. Do you want that? Yeah, it's three a.m. Morning dew from the Himalayan mountains are coming off of a like a petuniaia kind of off the petunia leaves. There's something like that, you know, you go, this is just, hey, if you want that, like if you, if you just want to drink regular water,

that's fine, but we have three a.m. Everest, petunia water. Also have the binge use from out the back with the dominoes. I got that as well. But this website also has a dark side. Yeah. So I think maybe there's something in there?

Yeah, I think there is. How do you picture it? Do you picture it in a documentary sort of a format? Or it could just be someone? It's maybe like a vice documentary kind of thing where they visit these people who have become millionaires, billionaires over a period of time because they've just catered to niche audiences that are willing to pay top dollar for things that sound like they're great. Or don't.

Right? Does it have to be stuff that sounds like I realize you keep pushing this mystical mystical thing Yeah, it's because I think it's because it's it's this idea that Can I have my ben juice in there? Yeah, yeah, well, this that's the dark side. Oh, okay, right. Yeah It's just that it's it's a premium for your dumb beliefs, right that there's some value in Morning Jew water and like and that that people that that you could picture that there's some value in morning dew water. And like that people, that you could picture that there's people out there who are some kind of like,

alt health preacher who would end up being somehow convinced that all the, you know, like the health benefits that you get from, you know, like there's, there's a, there's an Everest, a otter that only licks water off of the, off of them, three a empatunial leaves. Yeah. And it lives for, you know, 4,000 years, 4,000 years. And you know, what you're doing is by not drinking that, is you're killing yourself every day. Yeah. Yeah. So that's like the people that, that thing of the cows,

the milk is for turning little cows into big cows. You know, why would you drink milk? Well, there's lots of good stuff in it. And also, I'm not a cow. And also, what is that telling me? That kind of stuff, but positive. But positive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. It's a bullshit website.

It's a website for bullshit. It's bullshit. It's a website for making money off of idiots who just happen to have a lot of money. Yeah. I wish I had a punchline for that because then I could just say, isn't that just, da da da? Maloo. Isn't that just bunnings? It's not just goop.

Goop. Yeah. It's goop. It's like aop. Yeah. It's goop. It's like a high end goop. High end goop because goops are already pretty high end. Yeah, but like proper high end. Yeah. Okay.

So like we regard the people who shop on goop as just being like what trash. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they're, you know, they're just regular, they're just regular products. And then we're high in products. I was trying to use that as a metaphor, but then it also worked literally. So, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, code that you, metaphorically I was using something that was identical, but a different version of that as a metaphor for it. It's like I'm using this chair, as a metaphor for that chair.

Do you think there could ever be a... It's like it's got like a back, you know, and a bit that you sit on and some wheels and it sort of a stand. A chair was a lot like a thing with a back and legs and you sit on it. A chair is a lot like another chair. If you follow me.

Yeah, not if you follow me. If you follow me. Do you think there's any circumstance in which like a man could live in the mouth of a crocodile? Wow. You know, I think a lot about that, um, that louse that eats the tongue of a fish and takes the place of the tongue in the fish's mouth. Well, my grandfather used to eat tongue. He used to really, like, did he take the place of the tongue? Well, under a work, he never had the opportunity. Yeah. Um, but did you think there's any way in which we could have a sort

of symbiotic relationship with an animal? And is this becoming too much like an earlier sketch where instead of like, we're pulling off the animal? Well, I wonder if to go back to the tigers thing, right? If like, if there could be some sort of a deal done, whereby you can take the tigers's penis as long as you Make it up to the tiger in some way you plant 10 tiger penis

You offset the lack of tiger penises in the universe by paying another Business to reduce the number of tiger penises that it destroys through managing waterways poorly. Or you artificially insaminate a bunch of tigers. Yeah, right, to increase the number of tiger penises. Of tiger penises. But I was thinking something you could do for that tiger specifically to improve its quality of life, to please it in other ways, that make up for even exceed the loss of sexual pleasure

and your ability to procreate. I don't know what that could be. I guess you could think of what are things that are better than sex. You could get the tiger to sort of work a long day at the factory. Like at a factory. I don't know if it doesn't sound great yet. Right.

White for it. But you could get it standing up on its two hind paws. Is that the behind ones? Hind. I don't know, I'll let's say are those wings? Is that the wings of the tiger? Andy, don't start with me. No.

Is it hind or like, is behind the same thing as hind? Hind legs, behind legs? No, these are just behind legs. Is that behind legs? So the front legs. These are... Well, they behind some legs, obviously. They're behind the front legs.

Every leg is behind some kind of leg. Well, we're some legs, obviously. They behind the front leg. Every leg is behind some kind of leg. Well, we're on a circular planet, so everything's behind something else, isn't it? Well, my right leg is behind my left leg. Oh, you're from the viewed from the correct angle. Yes. So you have a tiger. So this is how you pay him back.

You pay him back for taking his penis. And you got to do something that's better than sex is you get this, you make them work maybe a 10 hour shift. And in a double shift and a change factory, 10 hour shift and a cheese factory, they're just five hour shifts. It's just for some reason. Yeah, they've got great work people, work laws. It's in one of the Scandinavian countries where they've reduced the

what? It's in Finland. It's working. You get this, you take this. It's three days a week, five hour shift, but anyway, he's working a double shift. Yeah, because he's come from the finished thing of like normally just a five hour shift. This is killing him. But he's got that finished work ethic, which is a very strong work ethic, even though he's a Siberian tiger. So he works a double shift in this finished cheese factory, and then you sit him down on a couch at the end and you just take off his boots, and I bet you that would feel better than sex. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he puts up, he can put up those feet on a... Yeah, on a monument.

And before his shift starts, you feed him a big gulp. You know those things you see in the movies where people drink a big gulp? No, I don't know what that is. Like a big gulp? Still lying down, try and get. It's like a jumbo-sized soft drink that you would get.

Not a super mug, but a cinema or something like that. Oh, wow, yeah. Super-sized. Maybe it's a half gallon or something like that. Maybe it's a full gallon. I don't know. Anyway, you get them drink that, non-toilet breaks during the shift. Wow. Well, England's not as good as I thought it was. No, it doesn't. It was just his work ethic.

It's just his work ethic. But he was struggling work ethic, but you know, he was struggling. And then, not only does he get to sit down and take off his shoes, but then he just gets to take a piss as well. And that would be so. Sitting down with his shoes off. With his shoes off. On the couch. Yeah.

He doesn't hear. He's a tiger. That's how he would normally do it, except for in the workplace because it's a hygiene thing if you were going to choose factory. And then, he takes heroin. Wow. Yeah. You get injected with heroin.

Oh gee, gosh. Yeah, well, I mean, imagine on top of the boot thing. Yeah, well, you wouldn't inject the heroin on top of the boot. You would get it like right into the arm or something. Into the arm. Or the wing or the tiger. I think, I think, is this something? Is this the tiger? I think, is this something?

Is this a sketch? I think it is. I think compensating the tigers in some way, offsetting the loss of their penis. I think that's good. You could also do it with tusks and rhinoceros. I don't know if you can take a rhinoceros' tusk without killing it. I imagine it's just easier. It's to kill it.

I guess it's hard to get a tusk off while you're getting charged. Yeah. I'm all being charged for this. I'm all being charged for standing in your territory. Roaming charge. And what made you charge for standing in your territory? Chag. Raming Chag. I don't know. Compensate.

Yeah. Okay, so you can compensate them. I like the offset scheme as well. I like the like planting 10 targets, but I think that might be harder to achieve in a way. Well, I think you know, it's about a country that's dealing with poaching problems. Yes. And these are the punitive actions that the government has been taking in order to try to

reduce the amount of poaching that is occurring. Right. And so one thing is planting 10 tiger penises. And another one is making them, having to live with a tiger and be the function that the penis would have. And that was a good sentence. In the, in the, in the, in the, in the sort of the higher level sense of the pleasure

and the pleasure and life and the relief and the, yeah, you know what a penis is, you know what it's for? Yeah. It's for. It's for pleasure and relief. Just a relief. I don't know if this is offensive. Is that offensive to say that? It's for relief, for penis.

To talk about what a penis is for. Offensive to who? I don't know, I don't know. I just had a flash of worry that we could be crossing a line. Well, we there's always a chance but I think until it's a line that has You know a bit of momentum behind it. Right. It's like a defensive That's totally true like there are still things that we say where I'm like I reckon that it'll be you know

In a few years time it would be entirely reasonable for somebody to ask me to not say that. Yeah. But I have not heard anyone ask anybody to not say that just yet. And so I'm going to continue to say it. Yeah, every, like, you know, it's like, you know, a border, a border that has troops on it. You know, if you hear sometimes, you know, say, oh yeah, apparently my America's got some troops at the Russian border.

I think we're heading for World War III or something like that, right? But they might just be there waiting for somebody to cross that line so that they could just tell them why they shouldn't do that. Exactly. They're not mobilized. They're not mobilized. They're just going, hey, we're just here to remind you, we don't like it when you do this. I want to be on the right side of history.

Yeah. But I don't want to be too far on the right side of history so that people can't see me. I want to be still close to history where there's still people around. And then when I do something right, there's someone to acknowledge it. Because if I'm like, you know,

if I'm so far outside of history, no one's gonna even know them there. Yeah, I want people to not think I'm a coward. Yeah, that's true. You want to still be edgy. Yeah, I still want to be edgy. So I might even just go and stand on the line. Whoa. And remember, you said a trampoline a little bit, you know, occasionally walk over and then just go, whoa, that was an accident. Oh, oh, oh, oh, funny fucker. Like that. Anyway, just to be clear, I would never stand on the line. No. No. I'd, you know, am I a good person? Am I just a coward? Guess we'll never know. But isn't that like what a lot of part of relationships is? It's like, you know, you're

living with each other and you're having a great time and that life is about trying to make life better for each other. Yes. But at the same time, you just prod each other and you push each other's little buttons. Wow. Just to kind of like, just to kind of get some excitement to make each other laugh or to make it

to kind of get a little bit of tension in there. Is that not a thing that's reciproc- is that also not a thing that you don't feel? And I'm just finding out that I'm not a great person, like— Um, I really probably try not to do that with everyone who isn't you, LSD. Right. But if you're talking about our relationship, then yes. That's exactly what it's like.

Truly loving relationships that happens in. Right. Where people understand each other. Like, with my wife. No. I would never—I would never do that. But ones that I'm, even to just get you to say that as a joke

is a wonderful sort of win for me. And, and in many ways, and just be clear, I feel terrible. Yeah, and in many ways it's a perfect example of exactly what I was talking about. Right, just try push people a little bit. Oh dear. Well, look, we have five sketch ideas here.

Do we really? Yeah. Okay. Would you be okay with us? With wrapping it up? Yeah. I'm so tired, Elastair. Yeah, I'm tired too.

I have to go do a gig. Real keen. Okay, well, Elastair. Yeah, I'm tired too, and I have to go do a gig. I'm in real keen. Yeah. Okay, well, here we are. It's a, the first sketch is what it takes to be a spy. And that's a guy who goes into a spy agency, possibly in the United Kingdom, possibly it's a woman, possibly the employer is a woman, right? The United Kingdom is a woman. Andy, I don't want to limit the casting in this thing.

That's true. Okay, the United Kingdom is played limit the casting in this thing. That's true. Okay. The United Kingdom is played by a woman. Thank you. And we zoom in and there's a spy agency in it. And it is also played by a woman. Thank you.

But the spy that goes in is a man because I think it's just a male dominated role. And I think that some sexes are just better at some jobs than others. Okay. Wow. Yeah, am I prodding women women can be everything Countries buildings not spies though. That's a bit weird. That's weird There aren't any there aren't very many women spy movies, right except for like like the only times you And I could be very wrong about this But most of the time that you do see women as spies in movies

They're usually Russian and they're tricking people into sex. Mm- do see women as spies in movies, they're usually Russian and they're tricking people into sex. They're evil. Yeah, they're evil as well. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's probably true of really, to be honest, most forms of movies, not just action movies, like just, there are fewer movies with female protagonists in general. But you agree that also spy movies, right?

Specifically Spiderman. Ah ha! Oh god, yeah. Oh god, yeah. It's Tinker Tailor Soldier Spine, not Tinker Tailor Soldier Woman. Anyway, you know what that first sketch is about. No, but no, it's the guy, the woman, and they tell them, they tell them, you know, well, you know, first of all. The fact that you're here is bad.

The fact that you're here is bad. There's a real mark against you, night. The fact that you're from England, that doesn't help, because then everyone's going to know you're from England. Yeah. The fact that you told me that you want to be a spy, that's the first blip, that's the first thing you got to not do. You should have come in here and just nodded silently and I would have known. Yeah.

That's how we do some spy, and you write a book. Anyway, random, this is the next sketch is random allocation theory, which is basically it's a rat kingdom, or rat kingdom, and that's where it's a society. It's kind of like it's a bit like a socialist society where but it's like everybody goes into a gets allocated to a job for a few years. They've get an allocated a husband or wife and then if also if you're

abusive to anybody they melt, it's the matrix. Because it has to be, have to be some kind of boundaries. Yeah, and because the justice system and the police system is all run by people who don't have any experience. Don't really know what they're doing. And that's a really good reason to have capital punishment as the default punishment. It's better for there to be death, which is almost painless. Oh, it is melting, but they will be dead soon,

so they won't remember that pain. Right. I would rather a hundred innocent men be liquefied than let one guilty man get away with it for a couple of years. Yeah, and because it's suffering is worse than dying, right? Potential. Thank you. Yeah, and because it's suffering is worse than dying, right? But then... Thank you. Yeah.

Uh, then we got robots take our jobs, and this is what's happening at the moment, and then we kill animals, which is just a thing that we're doing. Possibly in the creation of robots. I thought I was there, it just sounds like a description of a current, a current events. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Say no, sketch. But what happens in this new scenario is that, uh, to fix these these problems humans have started taking the jobs of animals. You get an alacada, an ecological niche. You get it, yeah. So maybe you're a sort of like maybe I mean like I guess we didn't discuss this but maybe you're like a wild apple.

So you're kind of like a very small apple. You hang on a tree. Yeah, and you have sort of very large seeds and very little edible flesh. That's kind of your purpose. How you act like that is you just apply a bit of weight on a branch for a long while, and then you fall and you throw a couple of seeds onto the ground. It's real cup of seed to compost. Then maybe a bird comes and feasts on you a little bit, which is another person played possibly by Ian McAllen.

Yeah. Ian McAllen, he's fallen on hard times. By the way, this isn't the niece scheme. Oh yeah. We have the interprositive schemes, the welfare scheme we have here. This is the niece scheme. That's very good. The fact that the names are two very close, which means a lot of people sign up for the wrong one,

and that's why somebody hits up in this scenario. Yeah, and also because there's nothing else to do at this point, because robots do everything. Even enjoy things for us. Do you think that'll be a point? Well, we'll do that. You know, you'll just be like, I was gonna watch the wire,

I don't know if people are going and watching ancient TV shows, but then you go, I forget, I'll just put my robot on and I don't know if people are going to watch the whole TV shows. But then you go, I forget, I'll just put my robot on and he can watch it and then just summarize it for me. I would love that to be honest. There's a lot of things that are good that I just can't be bothered to experience. Game of Thrones, I haven't watched a single episode. Oh yeah, it's not like, who has the time? Then we got Etsy for eccentric beliefs and characters.

I don't know where I wrote characters. I meant billionaires. Accentrix C. No, that's not it. And so this is for anybody who loves very specific products that sound like they're meaningful. It's basically like what goop wants to be, right? If you could sell, if you could sell hippo tears, a baby hippo's first tears,

to say a Peruvian, you know, mining, mogul. Yeah, air, you know, and you just go, if you drop this on your tongue, it'll be good Yeah, like you just say that to him and they'll go yeah, right. I'll pay top dollar for that Yeah, it's the only ones we've got. So yeah, it's gonna be top dollar. You better believe that Meanwhile, it's just vising probably oh wow. I mean maybe I mean that'd be a real scandal

Yeah, but what you gonna You know you're going to, you're going to test, you're going to test these tears to my shirt. I think there'd be experts. I think there'd be a person, you know, a little wizard old man and a little cubicle somewhere who puts one of those things in his eye and he looks at it really closely. He's like, this is amazing. No, but you know what? Like the, in order to test things, you often have to like waste some of it, right? Well, we sell our products at a quantity that is less than the amount that you need to test. So that's how you get

them. Finally, we got them. Yeah, and then we got compensating tigers for chopping off their penises for sort of alternative medicines. By either, first of of all you kind of got to you could offset it by having to force people who who partaken this to plant 10 tiger penises and then also then you know that you know we you just heard it so that's I got something in my eye, LSD. Notice that you've been kind of getting weaker. It's really hurting quite a bit. Really? What do you think it could be?

I was doing some angle grinding earlier. It's probably a shot of metal. Well, you obviously were wearing some protective artwork. You know what I actually was this time, so yeah. Oh, that's good, I don't yeah. Well, thank you guys for listening. We really appreciate it. We're on Twitter, as you know, to Intank. To Intank, I'm at Alistair TV.

I'm stupid old Andy. You can follow us. You can leave us a review on iTunes. We'd love that as well. Or open the other apps that may help me. You can check out the rest of the Planet Broadcasting Network. And you can now support us on Patreon. Yeah, that is a thing now.

Patreon.com slash Two in Tank. Two in Tank. Yeah, and look, you know, all we're asking if you want is to just, you know, you can just throw spare change at us. Picture us being dirty and on the ground and begging and most of it will probably just go towards paying George for editing things. Because that's very nice of him. Yeah, and he does it for nothing. Yeah, and we appreciate it. And we're potentially working towards doing something special for our 100th episode. I'm saying this to lock it in. There is something very special in the

offing for the 100th episode, something that scares me and I think should probably scare everyone. It'll be too much. That's all we can say. That's all we can say. Anyway, I can't believe that you're listening and I appreciate that you are and I hope you have a very good life And you should just know that We love you This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network visit planet b casting dot com for more podcasts from our great mates I mean if you want It's up to you

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