Two In The Think Tank - 99 - "SECRETS OF THE PERINEUM"

Episode Date: October 3, 2017

Activist Lexicographer, Gooch Hackers, Expert Expert, Dr Heckle, Bungee Tease, Pants Problems You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!) Two in the Think Tank is a part of the Planet Broadcasting family  You can find us on twitter at @twointank Andy Matthews: @stupidoldandy Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb And you can find us on the Facebook right here Thanks to George Matthews for producing Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Kia. Movement that inspires. Call 800-333-4-Kia for details. Always drive safely. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, broom, b You know what? Andy, you're like, you're like gravy. This is a couple of minutes I gave to my girlfriend. I said it. Yeah, okay. I said, you're like gravy.

I said, why? I said, because you're good with everything. Oh, see, that's nice. Yeah, I think it's nice to be nice to your partner. Yeah, although like, not sweep things. No, no, no. You can only use savory stuff. Yeah, not like, so probably not good with the most

enjoyable things in life. But like, you know, all the sort of the mediocre stuff that you've got to just get through. Oh, I see. I think you get to the good bit at the end. I thought you were talking about, I thought you were talking about compliments. You know, it's good, I said it was good to come with your girlfriend, your partner, and you were like, well, not sweet things. And I go, yeah, I guess that is a bit sick of me. But you're saying that gravy doesn't go as sweet. I mean, your one works better as well as much. But yeah, no gravy doesn't, there's no gravy for deserts. I guess chocolate syrup is certainly the gravy of the

desert. Caramel, sticky date, caramel fudge, caramel. You know where I can say caramel? Did I really? Well, some do. Wow. I mean, it's a big question. What ones would like speech impediments or something?

I guess you could consider accent. Or misread a word or something on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You consider accents to be a speech impediment? I think to a certain extent, it's like a, you know, it's a learned speech impediment that is socially acceptable. Did I have, have I discussed my theory on the, on the podcast before a bad accent? When I was a kid, I decided I came up with the theory that people had different accents

in different countries because there was different air pressure. Right. Yeah, that was, that was my explanation. I don't know. But then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but then, but, but then, but then, but, but then, but then, but, but then, but then, but, but then, but, but then, but then, but, but then, but, but then, but, but then, but, but then, but then, but, but then, but, but then, but, but then, but, but then, but then, but, but, but, but then, but, but then, but, but, but, but then, but, but, but then, but, but, but, but, but then, but, but, but, but then, but, but then, but, but, but then, but, but, but then, but then, but, but don't know. But then also, wouldn't people get different accents from people who live in the base of a mountain and people who live in the top of a mountain? I mean, look, you know, it seems superficially such a good theory to me

that I didn't really need to go into it any further. And is it something that happens like, instantly, like, let's say you... Well, it doesn't explain why an American person coming to Australia would have an American accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless somehow they sustain a certain amount of pressure in their lungs. And it takes that a lot.

You know, maybe the body adapts to pressure and it kind of firms up around the... Firms up? You know, firms up around... Furns up around the... As you get into a lower pressure area, maybe like the throat kind of, the muscles kind of firm up, you can't really relax those muscles because they need to recreate the air pressure. And that's why over time, as your muscles relax, you can adopt the accent of another country.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, I mean, the theory's actually coming back now with this bit of extra information. Well, I mean, it's still going to really pitch it. It's great how these days any information can become fact. Because first of all, because of people, everybody's misuse of the word fact. So if you just loosen the meaning of fact, I mean, it can mean something. So that's great.

Yeah. Either we have like a problem with people not respecting facts, or we just have a problem with the definition of the word fact. Yeah, exactly. And what's easier, right? To convince everyone who believes a wrong thing, to believe the right thing, or to just talk to the dictionary people. Just loosen up the definition of fact.

Yeah, sometimes. And then be like, you know, fact, noun, a thing that is observably and demonstrably true, or something else. See, it's not that hard. All you've got to do is just add the words or something else to the dictionary. You could just send everyone out,

they can just send, they don't even have to reissue a new dictionary. They just send out a little sticker to everyone that you're like, like when you update your address on your driver's license. They could just put that on the cover of the dictionary. And say that for every meaning. Dictionary?

Containing the definitions of words, or something else. Or something else. Please think that, or something else is at the end of each definition. Because, you know, language is fluid. But, yeah. I mean, the whole dictionary is in all something else, right? It's either this is the actual definitions of words or it's something it's something else.

It could be a recipe book. It could just be a bunch of speculation. Could be. The mouse here at the Oxford University Press. Could be the paragraph on the back of a shampoo bottle. Exactly. Yeah, we don't know. We don't know.

We wouldn't presume to know. We were weak. We were weak to define what something is. What words are. Yeah. And what I mean. Is that a sketch? I like I like the idea of insecure dictionary people. Yeah. But also I guess you know like how they talk about sort of activist supreme court judges. Hmm. I think the idea of activist dictionary writers. Lexicographers. Lexicographers. I think it would be good to have one of those people around. Okay, like,

okay, let's like focus on the sketch idea. Okay. So is it that it is something else? Like, like, is it basically exactly what we said or is there some variation of this? What do you think? Well, I was interested in what you were talking about like the activists. I think we can pursue what you were saying, you know what I'm saying? The activist lexicographers, the people who are open to a more radical interpretation

of different words, right? Even if it would fundamentally shift the nature of our democracy or whatever it is. I mean, it's like, you know, everything is not constantly in motion, you know, words are constantly changing. I mean, especially it's always having it a faster rate because there's more conversation that more, you know, over larger, you know, over larger areas and things like that. It's more intermingling of dialects and things like that. I mean, you know, the idea of printing out these dictionaries and setting down in ink and paper, what the definition of words is, is actually inaccurate, right?

Like really, because things are changing constantly, it would be more accurate if we not only wrote down the current definition, but then also a few speculative definitions for things that we think might take place over the next couple of years. Yeah, and you could do that by just picking the ways in which people often use a word wrong. Yeah. Because like they use a word that is different to what the current definition technically is. And so by seeing a few people that use it wrong, you go, well, there's actually a chance that language is kind of moving in that direction. Like, you know, like literally. When people love to have a big winge about how people use literally in a different way,

you go, well, you know what? It literally shits me to tears. The way that people use literally? Or CC? Yeah, I don't know, I'm not really. I say, but I, I'm like, well, look, it's because literally also just means no, not literally. But just in a very exaggerated amount, right?

And I'm sorry that that's stupid, and that's ridiculous, but that's probably also why people say it because it's on purpose dumb and funny. Yeah, it's so extreme. Right. And that's the whole point of using metaphorical language or stuff like that. You know, it's too...

Just to make things a little bit exciting for ourselves. I mean, they keep using the word infinity. You know, it's like, oh, I drank infinity beer. He didn't. You couldn't do that. Well, it's like, yeah, that's why he's saying it. So what are we gonna do? We're gonna change the definition of new infinity

and the dictionary to be an uncountable number or four or more. In the context of beers. An amount that makes you pretty dizzy indeed. Oh yes, you would not believe that Johnny had this many beers last night. It's now what, Well, I mean, but also, if we, if this could fit with the current definition of infinity, if the current

definition of infinity is an uncountable number, then certainly in the context of beers, right, it's very difficult to count your beers past about about, I'm gonna say 12. Sure. So it is an uncountable number of beers, 13, 14, 15, It is beyond the level. Whatever comes after that. The mental capacity of the counter. Exactly. Infinity is contextual. Absolutely.

And so within this, we have this lexographer, lex Lexicographer, Lexicog? Lexicog. Yeah, great, Lexicografer, who, you know, I guess it's just speaking to camera, he's talking about different things and how he, visually I'm loving this skill of state. Maybe there's some B-roll of him opening and closing a dictionary.

Yeah, okay, you know. I mean, we got to fill in the spine. Yeah. We got to fill in some time while he talks. Yep. Is it? Sorry. But like, when whenever you're talking, Alistair, I think my mind does have some B-roll that it sort of plays. Like, it will flick over to like following some trainer thought or imagining something. I think b-roll is the thing that we sort of implement ourselves in our day-to-day lives, because I mean, I do have to fill in some time while you're talking. My son, anytime I'm reading him a book, he just opens another book. He can't even focus. He says he's got two tabs

going. Yeah. I know that's, that's like the audio version of B-roll. I guess is like music or sound effects or something like that. But the idea of you're listening to a podcast and then you know, you just start playing another little bit of a podcast just quietly in the background as well just to give it a bit of texture. Yeah, it looks great. It's crazy and it can't be done. You can't hear words and words. No, I can't focus on either. You really can't. But yesterday I did I was playing a podcast in my car and when I turned it on there was like this real nice song playing There was a wordless song on the radio while I had a podcast. I put the podcast on speaker and then I put it in between my legs. That's how I listened to podcast right now. Straight up the cloacca. At the perineum. Yeah. I find the vibrations of my perineum. I find the, I take in the information through

my perineum a lot more. So that's great. If only you could do that. The perineum is really an underutilized part of the body. And if we could find some way, science hasn't figured out what the perineum does. But are there a lot of nerves and stuff that go through there? I keep picturing, right, like that the perineum, right, it's just one of those, it's one of those, like, you know, in like a building. It's a cable tray.

Yeah, it's a cable tray. It's a cable tray. Yeah. Your theory that the perineum is a, is the body's cable tray. It's the of those, you know, in like a building. It's a cable tray. Yeah, it's a cable tray. They keep telling me that the perineum is the body's cable tray. It's the cable tray. There's so much cable just going in there, there's pipes, and there's nerves, and it's just like, if you could just grab a handful of it, you would just feel like a handful of firm cooked spaghetti. Because of all the...

Just all the wires. All the essential services. Okay, so in a in a in a heist movie, right, whenever the oceans are left or whatever, break into a I'm thinking specifically actually of die hard too when those guys take over the airport. Yeah. And they dig up a collection of cables and they like hook into those cables and they take control of all the aircraft landing stuff.

I feel like that you could do that with the perineum. You know, you just get a team of hackers and they dig up the perineum, right? And they put a few little multimeters and sensors on some of the different nerves and cables and then a guy comes along with a little chip and he inserts it into a thing and they clip it on there. And then they've got control of your entire body.

Yeah, I like that they just put a couple alligator clips on your body. Yeah. Like, they're persons asleep, I guess. I mean, I don't know why this isn't the spine or the neck. No, that's why it's good. Yeah, I think that that's definitely good.

I think what also is when you're talking about, I think like we're talking about maybe the idea that you take in information through the perineum. That is totally something that you could sell to people. Absolutely. That you go the secrets of the perineum. The secrets of the perineum. The secrets of the perineum.

The secrets of the perineum. Just a word perineum. If you didn't know what it was, it sounds like it could be like a Himalayan secrets society or something like that. Like you expect something called the perineum to have a few secrets. Or a place where this like,

you know, spring water comes out of. Yeah, it comes gushing out. Yeah, and you bathe in that water. Yeah, the waters of the perineum. The perineum. Because there's peria water, which is the, like, you know, the French mineral water, perineum water. Yeah.

You can sell that. Yeah, so look, I think this is, what is it? There's so much going on here. Well, okay, one of them is taking advantage of the loose facts of the world right now, where people are willing to take in, let's say, an alternative medicine idea, almost too willingly, right? And so-

Also, we are running out of those ideas, right? We're running out of parts of the body to exploit- We're running out of those ideas right we're running out of parts of the body to exploit we're running out of bullshit. Yeah aroma Hypno much like Hollywood is running out of you know comic books to kind of use they've got to find other areas they've the alternative medicine people if they've they've mind a lot of Chinese history They've sort of they've mind a lot of South American grains and also a lot of They've mined a lot of South American grains. And also a lot of alternative medicines been around so long as becoming established. You know, people no longer see it as an alternative.

No. But you know what's really alternative? The paranoia. The one's going there. The secrets of the perineum unlocked. And it's just a key sort of approaching a perineum. Yeah, I mean, that's great. I reckon a cold key up against your perineum

would actually be quite nice. I would have an effect. I have no doubt. Cold almost cold anything up against your perineum. No, no, no. Even this, like, think about this, okay. You're the things to get to the perineum. You're really gotta like spread your legs

to get me off your back. I know, but the people who go to this kind of stuff. But imagine this, this sounds so, like somebody would say to you, yeah, I just went to my naturalist, he had to get a cold king of my perineum. It sounds like something that would get done. Absolutely.

You know, like the cold almost feels like it's sapping energy out of you, or it's soothing. And well, my hot perineum. Do you think there's any chance at all that the listeners don't know what a perineum is? Like a Gooch. What's this? Is a Gooch?

Yeah, I think of the Gooch. It's sort of just the region between genitals and assholes. Yeah, you're gen, exactly. Yeah. So this is to if there's any like sort of a... That's your genitals and your assholes, not your genitals and someone else's assholes. I think that region could be... That's right.

But that region should have a name. I'm sure it should. I call it the danger zone. It's getting shorter, baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But I don't know. All right.

But look, if we could just, is there like a twist on perineum? Yeah. I just, I want to say hoblinium. What? Well, this is the distance between between your genitals and somebody else's asshole. Yeah. It's kind of two. It's it's it's well, Perry, Perry is also is perimeter, which is sort of of around so it would have to be like the ectoneum or something like that outside. It's the ectoneum. Yeah.

Although I don't know, perimeter, it must be something, yeah, like that word must be something to do with the distance perineum. Tell you what, he had such a hot perineum. I would actually call it a periperineum. Spicy. a heart perineum. I would actually call it a periperineum. Spicy. Could that be a thing that happens after you've eaten a lot of spicy food? You just have such a messy shit that you turn your perineum into a periperineum? I think that that's why I wiped it in the wrong direction. I wiped a bit too far. You got to wipe away from the perineum.

But I think that you, that that could just be a condition that somebody makes up, that people now have to feel like they need to get treated for. You know, like, you know, people, like you know, like people are, I was like, oh, you're eating too many acidic foods

and not enough alkaline foods or whatever, all that alkaline watershed. You know, you're seeing, you're hurting you this alkaline watershed. No. That's bullshit, right? Oh, it doesn't, it shit. You know, you've seen it, you heard me this, alkaline water shit. That's bullshit, right? Oh, it doesn't, it feels like it's the most bullshit. Alkaline water. That's a, everyone, that's a big thing in LA and things like that.

And I know people who've gone to natural, it's really like. It's bringing the wrong kind of water. You're eating foods that are like, oh, look, automatos, those are, to acidic. And lemons, those are, those are obviously very alkaline. Lemons are also acidic though, aren't they? Yeah, they've got a lot of acid in them,

but they're alkaline, of course. What? I don't know, Andy. Oh man. I think citric acid is a pretty low in terms of, it's acidity. It's acidity. Right.

This is just going to the science. I don't understand it. There's a chance that this might all be real Because who the fuck knows at this point? There's there's yes, there's experts, but there's for every expert There's a counter expert who knows the what we really need is an expert on experts somebody you can tell you which experts are good and which Bexperts are Bullshit. Thank you. Yeah, I think experts experts is a Such idea. Oh, great. You start talking while I lay right down.

OK, so what that would be, right? At the moment, you might go to a doctor or a naturopath right, and you go along, and they'll write you a prescription for either dihexomino pazaman, or they will say, oh, why don't you inhale some essence of patch patule oil, right? And how do you know which one of those you should trust? Well, that's when you go to an expert expert

who will prescribe you a course of different experts to go and consult in order to get your, what have you? Yeah, there's an element in which like a GP is almost that. Or sometimes you go to a CEO, a general practitioner and they're like, you're gonna see a specialist, why did I come here? Yeah. You're just an expert expert.

Yeah. But is there something, is there something in that in particular like? Yeah, these are the experts that you're gonna need. But just the idea of going to a doctor and being told you're gonna to need to say a specialist. Well, actually, I do want to touch on the expert expert idea. Sure, sure.

But let's remember the GP thing. But let's say there's... So the expert expert, I think there's more depth to it, to being an expert expert, because there could just be like, well while I follow the scientific method and therefore These people are the people who do that and so therefore, but but like climate science right is Is important is is you know is the right information? Yes, if what you want to do is save the planet right? so but if you if you're if you're, if you're trying to, let's say,

grow a huge base of, you know, of, of dissident people who, who, who, yeah, who are disaffected with politics and you're trying to grow, let's say, you know, a new party or something like that. Climate science, climate skepticism, that's sort of pseudoscience. That is the right information for you because you're trying to pick people off from the big block of other parties people anyway. So, you know, I'm just not explaining this well, but.

No, no, no, no, you're explaining it very well. Almost there. So there are different people have different needs in terms of what is their truth. Yeah, and the information that is correct is only correct within a certain context. Yes. One is reality and one is a sort of a very vicious, cynical, and self-centred approach to manipulating reality to achieve your own personal ends. Absolutely. It's a rhetorical truth.

A sort of a deluded, narcissistic thing. A lot of people think that being an expert of experts is actually very easy, but it's a very difficult thing. It's not just looking up on Google to see which experts have the best reviews. Which field of knowledge is actual, factual? No, it's much more than that. A lot of people don't even want reality facts. And you've got to give the customers what they want. This expert expert sounds like a fuckhead.

Yeah, yeah. But they've been in the biz for so long. You know, they're like a, they're really like a, you know, an air traffic control of on in for reality. They're directing people down which path of of of of reality you want to go, right? You know, and the scientific method is just one possible path. Well, that's right. And let's say so the sketch could be, it's a new young gun expert expert who's trying to kind of get onto the scene.

Onto the scene, right? And his whole thing is just like, I know I'm going to push people into, you know, use like the best experts or these guys who follow, you know, this strict method of knowledge, understanding and all this kind of stuff. And then this guy's like been in the bits for 35 years and he's like, kid, you're not gonna get very far in this industry by just giving people, you know, that kind of stuff. I can get that from just finding, you know, top five lists online, you know, of the best experts online. You know, going into academia and all that kind of stuff, people who hardly reviewed, well, that's not the kind of info people are looking for. Not necessarily. Not necessarily, maybe it is. And if it is, I know some experts that they could recommend some good experts. Also, I think that's a sketch.

Expert expert, Carol? Directly down the path of whichever set of experts who's appropriate for your particular level of delusion. Is it worth going back to the GP idea and your specialists? Right. Because I mean, they are also a bit like an air traffic controller, they're telling you which runway you're supposed to go and land to, you're playing a villanous on. But is there like a twist on that?

I mean, obviously it feels annoying when you go to the GP and they tell you you should go to the specialist. You know, well, why do I have to come to you? If you're just going to tell me to go somewhere else, well, the fact is you probably didn't know where to go. And also the specialists don't want patients just showing up being like, I have a hi-aided hernia, I can tell, and that's why I've come to you. There's a hi-aided hernia, the one that you push in, and then it hurts on the way out. Oh, maybe. Yeah. It's when you you get, like, there's some internal rupture and you've got stuff and you could have a bulge and stuff.

I think. So, it sounds too scientific. Well, that sounds good. Yeah. Sounds good. So, how is this a sketch, just one? Like, so, I mean, it's somebody getting annoyed with a doctor?

Yes. Yes, LSD. That's what it is. Somebody getting annoyed with a doctor, because they, they, why do I have to come here in the first place? I've got no ideas for how that's comedy. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it just feels like the place you would put comedy. If you say it, so you come into your house, right? When you've got some hot comedy in your hands, I, when you've got some hot comedy in your hands. I don't know why you've got hot comedy in your hands when you're just coming into the house.

You've got a hot comedy there, and you're looking for somebody to put it down. Is it burning your skin? It's burning your skin, Alistair. Yes, it's leaking, it's burning, it's bubbling flesh. So it's leaking, so it's melting. Yeah, it's eating through the container that it's in.

Right? And you're like, I've got to put down this hot comedy somewhere. You're looking around, okay? Maybe the scene. Oh, there's a child's funeral over there. Can't put it down there. No, no, no, no, this is just in the foyer. Are you running through the rooms? You're like, hold this, my personal relationships with the people I love. Oh, no, better not. Oh, then you're like, oh, a person going to see a doctor and being referred

to a specialist. Right. And that's the equivalent of a bloody, you know, a sideborn or a coffee table. And you can put it down on that. Have you ever seen this, for some reason this is a line that's come into my head where we're one doctor said of goes in a sketch or something like that, I'm sorry, but you have type two diabetes. And the person goes, oh yeah, well, you've got cancer. No, but I mean, that's like takes it as like a personal. Yeah, it's like an insult. And but attacks them back with another diagnosis.

So do you. You've got it too, but worse. Yeah, you lose a limb. I mean, I think that's good. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, so please be mature. I'm going to have to write you out of prescription for a course of insulin boosters. You're going to have to inject twice.

Well, I'm going to write you a prescription for 12 insulin boosters. You go to do seven times a day. It's a it's the it's the person who's always taking, he's always in heckler takedown mode. Yeah. Every interaction is like an aggressive back and forth where it's like, I gotta try and get a laugh at this by being really mean.

Really mean? He gets an x-ray. They do an x-ray of his chest or something like that. There's a K-1 Desk growth on your seventh and eighth rib, and I think that could be indicative of some kind of lymphatic tumor. And he's like, oh yeah, well then he draws a little picture of in a notebook and like, I've got an x-ray of your mum's ass. And there's my, it's really big. I'll tell you what the, the, the Octonium between me and her got real short. Real short.

It's negative. Negative. Oh, look, I don't know if that is it? I think that's absolutely a sketch. Yeah, that's much better than my that is a sketch. That's much better than my bullshit getting a referral. To be honest, you were just running with one of my ideas. What about the, but just to go back to it for one second, right? I mean, obviously it's frustrating to get a referral to a specialist from a GP, but

what would be more frustrating elsewhere would be if you got a referral from a GP to just go and see a different GP, or if you got a referral from a GP to come and see them again. You know, at least for the specialist, you go at your making progress. You're moving up the chain. But if they're just passing you along, you'd feel manhand. Yeah. I can't help but feel that this is some kind of cynical money-making exercise.

It's like being stuck in that phone loop in a company phone system where they're just passing you from one department to another. But do you think every time they could do that in the hospital, they're just like, it's like a 60 minutes kind of expose on people who, like on doctors who found a way of sort of taking advantage of Medicare, but something something to that extent. I don't know what the exploiting Medicare and and and

and this is how they're doing is that they're just they keep referring people, but not to specialists, but to other general practitioners. Yeah. And then there's just people who've been in the loop for like 30 days. Yeah. And then they sort of several years just going back and forth between different cheapies, just surviving on the, the lollipops that they have in the, in the foyer. Yeah, just like a, a little box of like, you know, and they just have to put in coins. Maybe like, you know, it's like, you know, they have, it's like a charity one, but you know,

sometimes it's 20 cents and you can get two or something like that. So they're getting more, So, sometimes it's 20 cents and you can get two or something like that. So, they're getting more, they're getting money out of that as well? Absolutely. And yeah, they're just for five, but they're just eating tongue depresses. I guess look, as a great, it's like, and not only have they locked people into this system for the last three years, but also they've been getting at least 60 cents out of them every day. Every time they go to that thing. You go to that thing.

To get a couple of sugar lollies. Is there anything? There's enough to be a sketch. I have probably a bit weak. Don't worry about it. Yeah, right. Don't even bloody worry about it. You all know.

What about like, you know, bungee jumping? There's something in there, right? Bungee jumping. So yeah, what I mean, you know, bungee jumping. There's something in there, right? Bungee jumping. So yeah, what I mean, you know, it's quite a like a, if we assume that the earth loves killing people on impact, right? It's quite, which we must assume that does, because it does look a lot.

That like this is teasing the earth. It's very much teasing the earth, isn't it? You're like, oh, no, you didn't give me. Do you think it's giving? Do you think it would explain why the earth is a blue ball? Because it's really... Oh, wow. And it's actually what has led to the sustenance of life.

Because every time you tease the earth by making it think that it's gonna get to kill somebody, it excreaks a little bit of water, and that's why the earth is covered in oceans and why life on earth has been able to survive. It's from bungee jumping. It's through bungee jumping, it's actually what sustains the world. Oh, but I mean, but also like I imagine,

the earth must get pretty hot for when there's a giant meteorite coming down and then when it just misses earth. Oh, yeah. Oh, I bet you it was grittier quite a bit. I look with it. Yeah. Yeah, that's why they say that we got the water on the planet came from comets. But it's the comets that didn't hit. It's the comets that didn't hit. It's the comments that didn't hit exactly. I guess a lot of the time when a comment does hit, it brings up a lot of earth and ash and different things like that. And then that kind of starts covering the water.

Yeah, but also the water I imagine is ejected into outer space. Oh yeah, the biggest. I guess there would be a spray. Would they think there would be a spray? Yeah it's about would be vaporized probably you know shoot off you know. Probably shoot off. Probably shoot off in a bloody orbit or you know the all clown or something. Yeah there will have to be a quite an impact for some of the earth for some of the water to reach escape velocity and sustain it until completely out of the orbit. Yeah you're telling me out. Is that happen? I don't know. I don't know how. I mean it's just a molecule. It feels like it would be and sustain it until completely out of the orbit. Yeah, you're tilling me out. Is that happened?

I don't know. I don't know how, I mean, it's just a molecule. It feels like it would be impossible to give a molecule of water and a velocity, like a V, an H2O molecule. Molecule. You think it's like aerodynamic enough? I just think it's so small. That's true.

If it was like a single molecule. It's like, you know, throwing it hard to throw a small rock further than you would throw a big rock. And in a way, a molecule is the smallest rock you can have. I guess you can pick it up. Sure, but often they're surrounded by other molecules. Right? And so, and they kind of get behind each other.

Like those, like a peloton. Yeah, like a And so, and they kind of get behind each other, like those like a palatone? Yeah, like a palatone, all those guys on bikes, they just kind of getting to the slipstream, create a bit of a slipstream for each other. And then also, they, a lot of water kind of uses this very, like, Bruce Lee kind of method of sort of traveling through the air and that it's like, be like Bruce Lee and it just takes a shape of whatever it needs.

Is that what he does? Because Bruce Lee was philosophy, it was like, be like water. So water is like, be like Bruce Lee. And it kind of takes a shape that it needs to kind of, like, you know, go through spaces as easy as possible. So it creates that kind of takes a shape that it needs to kind of like you know go through go through spaces as easy as possible So creates that kind of that Aerophile shape with it, which is what the the dropper water takes to go through spaces

But what about to go through space now to go through space? Well, then I guess it would be it would kind of create like a Flying saucer like either a flying saucer or possibly like a Rocket I was thinking maybe this the what's the one that they kept reusing? like either a flying saucer or possibly like a rocket. A rocket? A chocolate? I was thinking maybe this, the, what's the one that they kept reusing? Elon Musk's big fucking rocket. He's going to use the sender's ultramarce. Man.

Yeah. Well, that was a lot of talking, L.A. And wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We got, I think the bungee thing was something. The bungee, okay, great. Teasing the earth. The bungee, okay, great. Teasing the earth. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Well, I mean, the foundational premise of that, that the earth is sexually aroused by the idea of people dying on impact. Yeah. I guess once you've accepted that, I think that's good. To me, I would accept that in a TV show. I think the idea of the earth being a big blue ball

is very funny. A big blue bowl. Yeah. Blue bowl and space. Somehow we've, look, we've got to five real early, but what do you think? Because I, I'd be, I'd be willing to go for, you know, one or two more. All right. Well, what if I tell you this premise?

Yeah. And then you might, that might change your mind. I'm going to, I'm into it. All right. Well, what if I tell you this premise? And then you might, that might change your mind. I'm into it. All right. How? Pants. Okay. I love it.

In the olden days. Yeah. Have you ever got old pants from an op shop or something? Yeah. They got way too many buttons and claps and clips and stuff around the waistband. Yeah. Right. There's always like three or four or five different things you've got to clip and buckle and,

you know. Yeah. I, from a time when, what, when pants, safety, maybe gravity was stronger or, or dackings were just a more common experience or... Just a could be dack. ...belts were hugely unreliable. I guess in the olden days we had people smacking with legal and people were taking off their belts a lot to smack. So they needed

their pants to have a lot more clasps and buttons and things. Yeah, so that they could beat their children. I think that's what it is that you go to the tailor and you'd say, hey, how often do you beat your kids? It's like one it's like one of the, like, I think in order for the premise of this sketch to kind of work, I think first you would have to educate people in knowing that pants from years past. You don't think that's common knowledge? I mean, the only time I've ever experienced something like that is in the last week. Really?

Yeah, where somebody was trying to get me to try on a costume that will turn into a Charlie Chaplin outfit. Yeah, great. And they had these giant pants. And the button fly on this thing would have had near to 12 buttons. Yes.

Like, it was some, I mean, these were also, like, these were gigantic pants. Yeah, right. But I could not believe, like, how like, these were gigantic pants. But I could not believe how many buttons I was doing up. This is when people didn't have entertainment in their lives. And they were just like, how do we fill a day? Bumping and unbuttaining our flies. I could just continue.

We don't even have information. That's why we're not even the printing press yet. At the moment, all we've got is buttons and material. Can we, can we fill out day with that? We do something with that. Now, but how would you educate people about, I mean, I mean, that's also your one with the fly, because because I'm not really even necessarily talking about the fly, I'm just talking about the above that,

you know, like to connect to the top of the pants together. On a pair of jeans, you'd have one button. Of course, yeah. And older style pants, they've got at least two buttons and a little clippy metal thing. Well, I guess suit pants kind of come still live a lot in that era. Yeah. A lot of suit pants.

You can have that extra little metal hook, the wide hook that you don't see, wide hooks and other things. You don't, no. Although it seems like it could be quite useful. It's a much more stable hook. But do you think that the button fly thing that you're describing is a sort of an

Amsterdam sex type thing, the fact that it's such a frustrating and fiddly and long task to undo your pants, that it is enough to delay any kind of passion, any moment of passion that you find yourself in. Well, I mean, there's looked, there's a whole school. I mean, I imagine that the Christians, especially with so much, you know, Christians or any kind of conservative group, with so many, so much kind of evidence coming out these days about abstinence and not working. I'm sure that they're looking for a new angle like that, which is more like the laism,

or kind of something like that, which distracts and deters by through, I guess, like, occupying the brain in such a way that it diffuses sexual thought. And I guess complicated pants. So what they'll do is they'll say in this religious group and I'll say, oh no, we don't say you can't have sex. Oh, absolutely. We say go for it. Absolutely. You just have a good time. Boys, girls, boys, boys, girls, girls, you just do whatever you want with, whoever you want. All we ask is that before you do that, you just have to, and then there's just some real

boner-killing task you got to do in between. Yeah, that's our theory. So like, okay. Yeah, that's our theory. So like, okay. One, they've sort of scooped up all the leftovers from the 90s. Those 3D puzzles that people had invented that they thought would really take off and definitely didn't. 3D puzzles like a circular globe kind of a thing.

Yeah, or you would make, let's say, like St. Mary's Cathedral and 3D puzzles look maybe that wasn't a good example. Well, I think I think um Yeah, maybe we could come up with something. I mean we talked about Complicated pimp bone a killing on the previous episode as well did we yeah, well was it again? It's a recurring theme. I know, but what was the sketch again? It was a good you go to a bone a killing club thing. I know, but what was the sketch again? It was a, we go to a bone, a killing club. Sure. The opposite of a strip. I mean, no, but I think keeping it as simple as

these are pants. They're, you know, they're like the new version of, of the Chastity belt. Yeah, right. You know, but they don't, we're not trying to promote Chastity because we know that that doesn't work. Doesn't work. But what does work? What does work is complicated pants. know that that doesn't work. It doesn't work. But what does work, what does work is complicated pants. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's really, it's the opposite of the Velcro Terroway pants, isn't it? They're pants that are way too easy to take off.

Yeah. And this one has buttons and places where you wouldn't, like, you know, instead of having, you know, like, even at the bottom of your, of the leg pants, there's like a, there's a double knot. There's like a couple of clasps. At the bottom down the, like, yeah. Off to take it off the ankle. Yeah, great.

There's been a, there's a double knot that hasn't been tied in a bow. Mm. Yeah, there's a, yeah. So the whole thing, it's just complicated. Look, yeah, I understand the boner killing is a theme. Yeah. But I just, I'm also really into products that you can sell to people who don't care about truth

all that much. Yeah, great. This is certainly opens up new fields for advertising. Not caring about truth. Truth in advertising is a real pain in the ass for the advertising industry. You know, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission, they're obsessed with truth and advertising, right? Well, what about truth in young adult fiction?

What about, you know, why advertising? Why is advertising... What about truth in Sunday morning cartoons? What about truth in eulogies? Yeah. What about truth in on the back of shampoo bottles? That probably is one that they do have to have to have to think.

You think so? I think your product has got to be, yeah, no, but you don't. Accurately described it. You don't really need to repeat. You don't need to repeat. How many? I understand that this is like an old idea,

but Rinssen repeat. Who's washing their hair more than once? Is that really a thing? Yeah, that's like Rinssen repeat. Yeah. I've never done that. Of course. I didn't even know that was a thing.

I mean, I've heard the expression Rinssen repeat, but I had no idea what it was. I've connected to it. Well, it's a fucking endless loop, isn't it? Yeah. When do we ever stop repeating? Repeat the rinse and the repeat. Is this a joke that people have done?

Well, it feels like something, but you know what, I've never really seen it done in full, but I feel like it would have been done a lot of times. But maybe still rinsing and repeating. But maybe still rinsing and repeating. He's still rinsing and repeating off his first bottle of shampoo. His first ever. You know, in a way, that is life, isn't it? It's just we just managed to stretch out the gap between the repeat, the rinse and the repeat, but really, we're all the exonium between the rinse and the repeat.

Yeah, complicated pants, Celeste, as a method of abs, abs, abs, abs, D pants, not abs, D pants, a delight, delibesty pants. And yeah, I think that's, do you think that's all our sketches? I think that's, I think it's good enough. It's good, good soft landing. Do you think we're, landing there. I think really we're losing a bit of steam here That's okay. Well look Hey, it doesn't matter if we lose a bit of steam on this episode because let me tell you the boiler is Is a bubbling is a bubbling for the hundred sketch episode coming up that this so this is episode 99 Yeah, it's a although technically probably like episode 106 or something, but that doesn't matter.

But that's because there's a little short one. There were short ones and they were lost episodes. They don't count. We're not counting those. We're not counting those. This is, this is coming up. Next episode is episode 100. 100.

100. And we're going to be recording all day. We're going to have a hundred sketches. We're going to have guests in. Look, this is, we're going to be recording all day. We're going to have a hundred sketches. We're going to have guests in. Look, this is we're going to have non-stop. So I don't know if we haven't explained it. There's a chance I already have, but we're going to be... We're attempting to come up with a hundred sketch ideas.

Yeah. And we think that it could take 10 to 20 hours to do. And so during the day, we're going to have different guests come and try and keep us awake and keep us alive and try to inject some new energy into the into the thing. Brains that are still functioning. Yes, I hope to God. Yeah, and so.

Have you ever heard us in like towards the end of the five-sketch episode? We, you know, my brain really does shut down. Yeah, Andy's brain, yes. And look, mind, I just don't have the best brain in the first place. But we might find your groove. I reckon, who knows when you're going to... Well, that's what I wonder. If we're exploring this process, this part of the process of creativity, I think maybe

it's good to set a push us to the edge. And it's also about pushing listeners to the edge. Would they listen to a 10 hour podcast? Wow. Exactly. And where does their brain go? Where do they start to get good at listening? Yeah.

I mean, I think this would be very interesting for you guys as an experiment. You know? And because I've listened to Todd Glass show and things like that. And that's three hour episodes. And I can make that. I can do that. I can do that. I can break it up, obviously. You've got to neglect your family a bit.

Maybe a lot. Yeah, right, but that's fine. And so I'm wondering whether somewhere between 10 and 20 hours worth of episodes, whether that, you know, maybe you'll reach enlightenment. That's what I wonder. Wow. Anyway, if you wanna, we're pushing people towards,

by the way, thank you to all the people who have been donating to our Patreon. Oh my God. I can't believe that anybody has. It is amazing. It is so nice. And we're going to say all your names in the hundreds. In the hundreds episode. I feel like that's the one you want to have your name to.

And that'll be the, that'll be the, your incentive to keep listening. Or maybe they'll say my name. That's right. And how a 13. If you, man, yeah. Thank you guys so much for that. And if you guys want to support the show, you can also go to our, you know, to our Patreon,

at the Slat, you know, Patreon. Are we gonna livestream? Are we gonna livestream the next episode? I guess we could try and livestream. Try and livestream it on Facebook or something. Okay, that's a good idea. We know. Yeah, yeah, we're gonna think, okay, go ahead, damn it.

All right, so I'll take us to the ideas today. What have we got from today, Alistair? Well, we have the activist Lexografers, Lexografers, who, you know, who, I guess it's a bit of a renegade. And I put, for some reason I picture, I picture a moment where he's yelling at sort of grammar Nazis about how, you know,

like you're wasting your lives. This is, there's no real truth here. Right? I mean, we printed this document, but as soon as we put this into paper, this incontent paper, it was wrong. It was incorrect. It was incorrect when I wrote it down, but, you know, you just want some guide. It's, look up the definition of dictionary and the dictionary.

That's incorrect. It just says, fuck you. Yeah. Find your own meaning, it says. Yeah. And then there's also the part that he puts on the, or something. That's the oh something, or something.

OK. Then we got the secrets of the perineum unlocked, which is the new acupuncture. It's the new rike. Yeah, it's actually a better way to take in information is to sort of have a speaker, you know, have one headphone, obviously, in your ear, but have one headphone right up against your perineum. Get the type to your perineum. Perineum. Gaffer type to your perineum. Perineum like that. You know, but also...

I imagine there could be something... You could feel quite nice to get vibrations going up through your body. Yeah, I think if you could... If they could create a device that does vibrations in your kind of net and other regions. There's... Yeah, imagine. There's those headphones that you can get that are like, they go to the bone behind you ear, and apparently that gives really good sound.

It vibrates straight into your ear canal or something like that. Imagine there's something like that somewhere in the perineum that you could get that could vibrate through your whole body. Or there's all the wiring in there. There's all the wiring in there. You just tap right in, and that's another, that know the dark side of this Paranemium stuff is And on control is is that hackers can break into you and control your body to your Paranem and that's what that's what happens sometimes when like let's say like a Senator starts acting erratically. They sort of like act they lay them down and then they

Like and they pull down his pants and they find an alligator clip so I could live to his parent again. He's like, I've been hacked yet. I feel like this is a that's kind of two sketch ideas. Yeah, that's great. Then there's the experts expert who you know who can tailor to your desires of where your belief system is and what you need things for who can tell you the kind of experts that are the right experts for you. You know, are you looking, you know, let's say, you've got back pain, but you don't necessarily want to be fixed. You want to be able to get government disability payments and things like that. So he puts you to the right expert for the right purpose.

You know, he's not going to, he's not going to just be some hack that just gives you the people who follow the scientific method that is level one. Anyone can do that. Anyone can follow a method. Just like a recipe book. All right. What you want is somebody who's a creative genius. That's right.

Who can find a new way of doing it? Yeah, that's right. Who can find a new way of doing it? Yeah, that's right. And we can also recommend you experts who can find new directions for your belief systems to go. Yeah. Yeah, find meaning. Find meaning. Then we got the haicler take down patient getting a diagnosis.

He's just, he's the haicler take down man. Who just, I think we follow this guy from being on stage right we see him on stage taking somebody down then we see him in some other context in his life and then we see him at the doctor and then we see him at the specialist and then we see him on the on the operating table yeah perhaps yeah and then we see people gathered around and they're welling him well you know and easy taking his last breast in the bed and then Well, you know, he's taking his last breath in the bed and then Yeah, the priest is reading the last right so that's a thing and then I see the yeah, it's funeral or something I think that's really good. I think that's good

Then we got bungee bungee teasing the earth which is that Bungee jumping actually sustains the earth by the earth wants to. The earth loves the idea of people running into it and dying and that's a real turn on for the earth. And so we do bungee as a way of sort of teasing it and to make it a blue ball, which is where all the oceans have come from.

Get it to release some peri-eye water. Yeah, perineum water. It's true. From some peria water. Yeah, um, perineum water. Hmm. From the perineum. Oh, I think there's a chance that I'm going to call my next comedy festival show, um, secrets of the perineum. Um, and then, uh, the complicated pants for a boner killing, it's or killing, it's a delay, students kind of thing.

For, you know, people who don't want to use abstinence, because we know that that doesn't work. But you want to put stuff into pants. You want to build things into pants so that while you're heading to having sex, something in there either distracts them. Instead of, in the same way, that let's say, like a chair held by a lion tamer, those four points on the legs of the lion. Confuses the lion.

Confuses the lion. It's too much for the lion to take in and it no longer feels angry, but it's the same thing. And maybe that's what also being your pants is just a chair. And I think that would confuse you so much. Maybe there's a series of different zippers as well.

They're like, which one is the fly? I don't know. Yeah. And there's one zipper that once you, I don't know, I couldn't figure out where that was gonna go. But once you open it, you can't close it or something like that. So you don't want to take that risk. Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, the zipper that comes off, or like that doesn't, yeah, that goes off the rails. Yeah, there's nothing more annoying than that. And you can never get them back on. Trick pants. That zipper is done. Yeah. There are one use pants, probably. Single use pants. Oh, I feel that's a great way. Is it, if you make them single use pants, right, that if you take them off during the day to have sex with somebody,

then you don't have no pants for the rest of the day. And so it's that fear of skin. You got to think about the consequences of your actions finally. Sure, people are prepared to have sex, they might have a child, they might contract a disease, right? But what if you knew that after the sex, you wouldn't have any parents? Now that's a real, that's a real thing, isn't it? Absolutely. And just before we go, what, what, which one of these sketches do you think ants would like? Oh, wow. I mean, I mean, I think, I think ants would like the idea of bungee jumping. Right? I think, I think if they were down there on the ground and then somebody came down, because from the point of view of the ants, somebody coming towards you like that,

and then going away, is very much for them like bungee jumping, because they could be squished by that person. But then they're not at the last second. So relatively speaking, the ants are bungee jumping towards you and then away again. That's true. And I guess they they would I guess ants also like excitement but at the same time it could also potentially be it's like oh it's food that you know this guy dies and this we can pick the meat off this guy's bones and so maybe they're excreting some liquid and that's where the water is coming from. Yeah yeah I mean a lot of a lot of our ant-based ideas

do wind up with them picking the meat off something's bones. But I mean what lot of our aunt based ideas do wind up with them picking them peat off something's bones. But I mean, what else do ants like? I mean, yeah, I don't know when, you know, I guess they like, they're like scent trails. They like sort of a lot of stuff with lots of holes in them. Yeah. That's true. I guess maybe like they they wouldn't mind the secrets of the perineum because I think maybe there's you know because there's so much kind of pipe work in there inside the

Perineum that that would maybe remind them of the tunnels where they kind of grew up. Well, I mean, and they've got that huge abdomen, right, which is their massive arse bulb. Yeah, which I think you know to them that could be their perineum like. That sort of, if we had a perineum, and we were crawling around on all four, if we had one of those arse bulbs, it would come out from the perineum. I presume. Possibly, yeah. I mean, although then your arse would be on the top.

I'd buy you. Where is the ant penis? Don't know if ants even have a penis. Well, they must have one. Come on. Just one. But they have an asshole. Yeah, they must have an asshole. I don't know where that is. Like, do they have a human asshole? Maybe it's in the thorax. It could be under their chin. Could be. Yeah. Well, maybe their whole body is perineum. Wow. Like, like, so they have like, so the genitals under their chin, and asshole on top of their head. Yep. And then everything

else. And, but you have to go the other way. It's the distance away from the head is the, is the perineum. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, because I mean, I guess in a way On your body the area between your asshole and your genitals also includes sort of up your belly over your head down your back So the top body is kind of a parent knows the is sort of I guess you could say the the perineum majora Okay, and the perineum menorah Is the one in between years. All right. All right.

Now hear me out on this one, right? Is it possible that all of life is like a Perineum? So you, because you come from a vagina, right? Yeah. And then at the end, you're buried in a brown hole in the ground, right? The grave is the arsehole. And so your life is a perineum. It makes a lot of sense, Andy, that I don't know if I've ever seen sort of an analogy that is more true.

Yeah, well there you go. And I think that's a good place to end. And then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then, then Even just listening with your ears is a hugely satisfying thing for you. Even if that's all you're doing, it's listening with your ears. Even if you're not playing it via a speaker, it's a dapetite to your perineum and feeling it vibrate through your entire body, we're still happy. We're still happy for you to just listen with your mere human ears, human ears. Million ears. Million ears. And we were part of the planet broadcasting network, and you got a bunch of great shows that you can go check out.

We are on Twitter. Yeah, we're on Twitter. Well, I'm at Alistair TV. At Stupid Old Andy, and we are at Two in Tank. We're also on Facebook if you want to find us to anything tank on Facebook. And you can check out Patreon. You can just throw some money at us, just because it'll be fun. That's really nice. You don't have to, but obviously it's fun. I think it's fun.

Throwing things at people is fun. And given that you don't know us or where we live, you can't throw things at us in person, but you can throw money at us on Patreon factory. And if enough people throw money at us, I'll film myself throwing some money at Andy. Great. And I'll put it up on the Patreon. Right, maybe on the hundredth episode, however much money that we get, I'll get that money in coins.

It's throw it at Andy. And then I'll put that video up on the Patreon. So, and people say they want rewards. And let's thank George. George for producing, editing the show. And the Patreon money is, we get to pay George. We're already getting Patreon money and we should be paying it to George. Are we paying it to George yet?

We haven't got it. We haven't taken it out yet. Oh, we haven't taken it out. Oh, well then we got to do that. We got to take it out. Great. I'm not even sure if it's been up for a month yet. So I don't know if we...

If the money's matured. If we're getting the $20.00 money. Okay, so people who have so far donated money to us on Patreon, they still have a chance to take that money out as well. Look, if that's desperately what they want. If that's what you want to do. I think that chance is always there, and I love that I'm leaving them with that freedom.

Yeah, so either give us money on Patreon or take away the money that you've already given us on Patreon. That's if you don't want Andy to have money thrown at them. But it'll probably be an underhanded throw, but I think his reaction will be priceless. Oh! And we love you. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit PlanetBcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Hey Dave, you're ready. Since we founded Bombas, we've always said our socks, underwear, and t-shirts are super soft. Any new ideas? Maybe sublimely soft. Or disgustingly cozy. Wait, what? I got it.

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