Two In The Think Tank - EP24 - "Horse Car Gap" - WITH PAT BURTSCHER AGAIN

Episode Date: October 4, 2013

 See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hi, guys. Hey guys, welcome to Two in the Think Tank. A very industrial Two in the Think Tank we have for you today. Guys, it's going to be a lot of things about automated machinery.

Breakthroughs in robotics and control technology. Just-in-time logistical systems. And phase-locked loops. in robotics and control technology. Yeah. Just-in-time logistical systems. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And phase-locked loops. Yeah. So... And also, maybe we'll have a sketch about a forklift. You know? Oh!

You know what's great? Those videos of guys in big factories. There's like... Occasionally you'll find... They are great, though, aren't they? There's something about the solitude of the human form cast against the specter of industrial wastelands. Just that colossal architecture built for only logistics.

Just something about that. I don't know what it is. It's just a single guy driving a forklift with shelving that just goes five stories up. And then, as he's doing something, he notices the shelving start to shake and everything comes down around him right but he's fine sorry those videos yeah there's videos like that you can look if you want to see just like it's just you don't know the the breadth and the depth of fail videos they just they're if like it's like porn. You can just. That's classified as a fail video? Yeah.

Just a guy trapped in a collapsing warehouse. Fail. Yeah. Ha ha. Yeah. Yeah. He's accidentally just uses his forklift wrong. Oh,

so it's his fault. Yeah. Oh, well there you go. Fail. Fail. Classic fail video. I mean,

you could see. I thought it was like he was trapped in an earthquake or something. No. Planetary fail. Tectonic catastrophe. Loser. Tectonic catastrophe. Yeah.

There's other types. You can also go to, like, building implosion fails. Oh, that's where, like, they try and, like, demolish a big old building and then it falls over sideways and crushes an entire village or something. Is that right? It could crush an entire village. It's rare that there's usually one building big enough. One skyscraper, and then everyone else is just living in mud huts in the shade.

Yeah, it's just like there's just goats and chickens outside. And then for some reason they decide to demolish the skyscraper. Yeah, it was too inconsistent we're gonna knock it down and build more mud huts that's the thing you never see any loose geese or chickens around skyscrapers a long time and just the just and there's never a free-range goat yeah just in the lobby yeah the juxtaposition was too much for the people of... That's right. And they said, look, we went too far too fast.

We reached for the gods and, look, we made a mistake. We got there. Oh, sure. Yeah, we got there. And the views were incredible. But the geese and chickens felt very uncomfortable. And to be honest, we are an aviary-based economy here. Avery-based.

Avery. I don't know what does aviary mean. Bird cages. Bird cages, yeah. Avine. Ornithological. Ornithological-based, yeah. So we do sort of bird classifications for money here.

Yeah. Is that what we do? And this building was ornithological. Yeah. Yeah. All the birds kept flying into the windows. And that's the worst thing is that they were just flying towards themselves thinking, I've found the perfect mate.

There you go. Because it was one of those mirrored buildings. Because that's just the, in terms of architecture, that's just the easiest thing to do without making something look too awful because you can just make it look like the area around it. Yeah, and then if it looks bad, well, it's not our fault. It's all the other architects who fucked up.

It's not our fault. It's where you guys all chose to live. We're just holding a mirror up to society. Yeah, a really tall mirror. A really big, tall mirror. Three-dimensional mirror. all chose to live. We're just holding a mirror up to society. A really tall mirror. Three-dimensional mirror. 30-story mirror. With cafes in the ground floor. And office space for rent.

This is sort of like another version of that sketch that we came up with where the caveman invents the Uzi. This is like all the villagers are sort of working on their mud huts and then one is just building like a 30-story mirrored skyscraper and the others are all looking at him and just like,

I don't know. I don't know about this. I can't see it catching on. And it didn't, you know. It didn't. Like, they took it down, like one of the... A pig or two. Eh?

A pig. They took it down a pig or two. Or a pig. A pig or two. They used a couple of pigs to take it down. I hope people say that occasionally at the Royal Melbourne Show, when they've got all the different animals and stuff, and someone looks at a guy who's got a big red ribbon on an old sow

and says, oh, that guy needs to be taken down a pig or two. Look at him. Look at him, the swine. Look at him. Look how proud he is of standing next to his pig. The best pig. This is the best pig. We've looked at all the pigs,

and this one is by far the best. The best pig. It meets all the piggy criteria uh it's the most pig like it's certainly i mean some of the others compared to this pig uh they're not even they're goats they're just i kind of would like the idea of i don't know how you would search this out but uh you find photos of people looking the most proud next to the stupidest that's an amazing yeah that's a tumblr yeah that's a tumblr just misplaced pride we found a name that's great i think a lot of those pictures would be babies

like the ugly thing would yeah it would be a baby because that's when you're at the at your least rational yeah you know yeah you're i think the you know labor part of the process of labor is just supposed to tire you out and reduce your ability to judge yeah you look i would say pretty much all the love that people feel for their children is misplaced. It's mostly exhaustion. Yeah. Yeah. You think you're in love, but it's mostly fear of being arrested.

What? Fear. Because, you know, if you don't take care of it, you'll get arrested. Oh, right. Yeah. I don't know if it's love or if it's fear of legal consequences for child neglect, but something made me want to protect that child. Yeah. As I looked down at its little chubby features and thought...

And it smiled. I realised other people are going to like this baby. What is this warmth I have inside me? Is that fear of legal consequences? And from that moment, I knew that I was going to protect you whatever happened. moment I knew that I was going to protect you whatever happened. I was going to give you the best that I could afford without having to work any harder. Yeah. Hopefully they weren't going to cut off my payments. Anyway, we've covered a bit of ground.

Yeah, we've covered a bit of ground. We still don't have a sketch idea though. I like this. I like this. I like when, when i said this before you've got to destroy to create yeah how much fun saying that that is really fun yeah and you can justify a lot of stuff i think totally i mean certainly destruction destruction is probably the greatest thing that you can and and the most fun thing that you can justify with yeah also uh sort of like waffley boringness you can also justify that. With that sentence? Yeah, with that sentence. You've got to destroy people's interest in you as an artist

in order to be able to create interesting art, don't you? Maybe. I hope so. Yeah. I mean, like, look, if you're making interesting art and then people come and see your new exhibition and it's all interesting as well, it's kind of like, oh, yeah, I've seen him do this before.

Yeah. He's done a lot of it. Look, it's more interesting art., it's kind of like, oh, yeah, I've seen him do this before. Yeah. He's done a lot of it. Look, it's more interesting art. And if you like interesting art, then yes, he's obviously playing to the fans here. Like, yeah,

I think like a proper artist needs to super impress with interesting art, right? And then bore and confuse the next one. This is the Bob Dylan model. This is his entire model. It's all tension and release. Tension and release. I actually think that is what he has done to a large extent in his career.

Well, that's not that crazy. And I'm saying this as a massive Bob Dylan fan. Oh, yeah, you don't realize. Andy has on his ass a huge Bob Dylan tattoo. Do I? Yeah, you don't. No, I just didn't tattoo. Do I? Yeah. You don't? No, I just didn't know.

I've never checked. And the eyeball, one of his eyeballs, is the anus. And Bob Dylan has the grossest

eyeball that I've ever laid. grossest eyeball eyeball that I've ever licked laid oh dear yeah I'm sorry everybody that got grim

but okay what about what about the people hardly ever talk about your asshole no they really don't they really don't

I don't know if anyone ever has referred to your asshole. No, they really don't. They really don't. I don't know if anyone ever has. Referred to your asshole. No, I certainly haven't. I've made a point of it. Breaking new ground. You hear that guys? That's the sound of groundbreaking. Could you be an artist where you reveal at the end of your career that the actual paintings or whatever it was that you did, the sculptures that you did, weren't actually the art? Actually, the bullshit waffling that you did to justify your art was the actual art. That's what I was doing all the time.

There you go. Yeah. There's something I was doing all the time. There you go. Yeah. Well, there's something interesting in that. Something interesting. Too interesting? Because we don't want it to be too interesting. No, we don't. No.

People might get bored. Well, no, but I think if we hold it up in comparison to everything we've done up to this point today. I think to a certain extent, so that interesting thing. Yeah. Interesting things being boring. Yeah. I think I might have that a little bit. Like when it comes to like shows like Breaking Bad and Boardwalk Empire and The Wire and stuff, I'm like, yes, it's going to be amazing. Show

after show of just amazing, interesting drama and fantastic performances i don't have time for that yeah look i'm sorry but look but i think maybe it's because you don't watch a lot of terrible stuff as well like because you're not really watching anything yeah that's true you don't you like most people who you know these people who are watching breaking bad and and the wire and stuff like that it's because they're just endlessly trying to fill their lives with entertainment so they don't have to think because it's just the sadness they hold inside. There you go. This is how we get people on board.

And so when something good comes along, they're like, oh my God, this is really masking the suffering that I feel behind my eyes. masking the suffering that I feel behind my eyes. And so for them, something good comes along and means something. For you, who watches almost nothing, you only read synopsis. I read the synopsis on the wikis. Yeah, and so it's no motivation to you to see something good. And plus because I think you're generally happy inside yourself. Generally, yeah.

Generally, maybe. I don't know. I've got a general level of internal happiness. Do you say hap? Hap-chiness. Oh, hap-chiness. I didn't realize until just now that happiness has the word penis in it. That's why it's called ha-penis. Not the, well, not the word, but at least the sound.

You can't, anyway. No, no. Let's not move on from that. That's possibly one of the biggest discoveries that's been made. Did something just move? Something definitely moved. Did you just see something? It's Pat. Pat's possibly one of the biggest discoveries that's been made. Did something just move? Something definitely moved. Did you just see something? It's Pat.

Pat's poking. Okay. This has been going on for too long. Somebody started, we have a friend called Pat Bircher who was on the latest episode and the one before as well. Yeah. And he's just started poking at the podcasting booth with a long stick. Yeah. And that's gone on for too long. It has. Even though he's just started poking at the podcasting booth with a long stick. Yeah. And that's gone on for too long. Yes. Even though he's just started. Well, yeah.

That is true. That is too long. The minute it started, it had gone on for too long. Yeah. It's just a horrible thing to do. Man, we have gone, we have covered so much territory on this podcast without even coming But look, I think it's still kind of interesting. Oh, yeah.

And also, the other thing I was going to say about that. Yeah, and that's what's so boring about it. Yeah, it's just so boring that it's interesting. Or no, it's just so interesting that it's boring. Yeah. Anyway, about the artist who at the end says the waffling. Yeah. I also thought if there was an artist who at the end of his career, and he's had a career

that spans 60 years. Yeah, yeah. He's gone through all different styles and all that kind of shit. Has he been moderately successful, would you say? Moderately to highly successful. And then at the end he goes, guys, all the stuff that I made, it was just a joke. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. Yeah. I just made it as a joke. I was joking. I was joking. I wasn't an artist. I was a comedian. And you guys all fell for it.

You fucking idiots. Punked. I'm getting distracted. Let's pause it. Okay, let's pause the podcast. Cool. Okay, so we... There's been a transformation.

And now the guy who was trying to get in is in. They said, you can get in. Just come over. Yeah. This is how rigorous our selection process is for the podcast. And maybe if you're listening to the podcast and you're wondering how you get onto the podcast, just poke at the walls of the podcasting booth with a long stick and eventually we'll let you in i use a crowbar you just crowbar yourself in yeah to the show and because i think there's

nothing worse than just being on the border of coming in we're not going to like resist you coming in that's just us getting distracted and not doing the podcast yeah so we're doing it now so Pat what's your first sketch idea it's about a guy right who who who always shows up to work like but he never got hired he just shows up yeah right so it's kind of like based on this podcast like how I I don't think I've ever been invited. I've always just... I don't think you were invited last time. Once. But then you came and you started eating cereal and Tic Tacs.

And you almost lost your invitation. I lost my invitation in the mail. You could have been the first person to get kicked off the podcast. That would be quite an achievement. Yeah. But... How about like look that that idea is okay but it sounds too much like like seinfeld um george costanza just continuing to go to the job after he gets fired right right what okay what about that scene you know that sort of thing where uh in in movies where someone would like knock someone over the head, drag them into an alleyway and like steal their uniform.

Right. How can we use that? And someone like knock someone over the head, drags them into an alleyway and steals like just steals their like business suit and then just starts doing their job or something. Yeah. Or he could like knock this guy over the head and give him his suit and a better life. Okay, so somebody has got a good job or something like that. They knock someone over the head, drag them into the alleyway, put their suit on them, give them their briefcase and force them to go out into the world as them and do their job as a lawyer or whatever.

Meanwhile, this person has stolen their regular street clothes and just goes off about their life. Yeah, I like this idea. But it's like, this is almost a short film, guys. It could be a sketch. But it's a guy who just keeps doing that. And every time he gets trouble from somebody, he just keeps switching lives with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so suddenly, like, yeah, then if he puts on the street clothes, then he goes home to the guy's house.

And he, like, kisses the wife and nobody notices. So he's, yeah, yeah. And so suddenly, like, yeah, then he puts on the street clothes and then he goes home to the guy's house and he, like, kisses the wife and nobody notices. And so suddenly, he just has to keep playing. And then his wife, like, he's like,

what are you doing there? She's like, I'm just, you know, like, making this. He goes, I don't want to make it like that. And he goes,

like that. And he puts on her clothes and he makes it the way that he wants it. And then, I don't know. I didn't mention it, but in my head head she was cooking food but it's awful that i was good that was my only idea for what a woman could do yeah is cook food well no it's just just so how because he was

out and about in life so yeah so someone's got to be cooking the food so it just so happened it was his wife at the time but but they take look and then he started cooking the food yeah so there you go actually that's very progressive yeah it was very wife at the time. But they take, look, and then he started cooking the food. Yeah, so there you go. Actually, that's very progressive. Yeah, it was very progressive. At first sight, you'd think, what the hell? Are we going back in time here? Yeah.

But then you're like, no, we're not. We're going forward in time. No, it's a man dressed as a woman. It's like, you know when you park a car on the hill? Yeah. And then you start going, you're like, oh my God, we're going down the hill. And then you're like, nope, caught the clutch. We're going up this hill. There you go. That's a crazy thing, by my god, we're going down the hill. And then you're like, nope, caught the clutch. We're going up this hill.

That's a crazy thing, by the way, the clutch thing. Can we not move on before we've written down that idea? Because I think that's a good idea. Guy who keeps stealing people's clothes, bopping them on the head. A little bit of a head bop. And stealing their lives. Head bop, life steal. The old head bop, life steal.

On head. Stealing. He's sort of an identity thief. But with the old dragging into the alley methodology. Yeah. The old tried and tested. Yeah. Well, it is.

It's tried and true. It's a... I mean, like, but that'd be so... Because there's something fun about the idea of, like, knocking somebody over the head like your boss and then just starting to do his job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just being him. Yeah. But I don't know what, like, because it's like, it's like living life on God mode.

Yeah, but, like, it would, like, but also it would be interesting because he would change age and stuff. At some point, when he starts to get old, he'd just bop a young guy over the head and take his clothes. And then just go hang out with some teens or something. And just start skateboarding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think he just goes down to the park near the monkey bars and smokes some weed? Yeah. But I'd like that he doesn't actually change his body. No, not at all.

He doesn't become young but he just yeah because that way because that way you you want like a like a guy who looks like 45 but hanging around with some 16 year olds exactly it's kind of like quantum leap you remember that tv show quantum leap i haven't seen it but have you heard i haven't seen i've heard the guy what the guy what he does is he he jumps around from time to time yeah and he takes over people's bodies but he's not supposed to change the like history history so he has another guy he and he's stuck in this quantum leap machine and he has to keep on making leap after leap and he doesn't know when he's gonna leap next or when he's gonna leap out of the body but he becomes that person and then his buddy sam

tells him what he has to do so he doesn't fuck up anything yeah right right but it's kind of like that but he's not in other people's bodies like he's still living their lives yeah you know what i mean so but he's totally fucking with him so it's totally different it's nothing like it i i just haven't said something in a while yeah no but like the but that concept is strange how can you not fuck with somebody's body how could you i don't know because it's like just make the decisions he would have made yeah basically you're being forced to like try and keep history on the right path even though you're so he's being dropped into these situations without necessarily wanting to but then he's forced to try and keep history on the right path it's the whole butterfly effect

it's sort of like well how does he how did he just because he accomplishes the same goals he might do them in a different way and he might like say bump into a kid who develops a complex and then kills everybody yeah yeah but i imagine if he was successful like what kind of complex like an entertainment complex yeah like a mall yeah or like a sort of skating complex where everybody goes and they do skateboarding with 16 year olds and smoke weed even though they're 45 yeah but I imagine if he was successful so I imagine he fails every time because if he was successful then it would just be a TV show where you're just following some person's boring life right yeah like nobody's always fun people i don't

think he's ever he's not just a guy that where his buddy sam goes all you gotta do is keep drinking that beer stay on this couch smoke that bong and as soon as this family guy DVD's over, you just got to put in another one. Just keep smoking that meth, man. Just keep doing it. Okay. Surely, surely soon enough, the leap will happen, and you'll be out of there, and you won't have to smoke any more meth. Imagine he still got addicted to meth, even though he was that other person. When he got into the other body. Yeah, so he jumps to the next person.

And now he's Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, or he's just like, yeah, he's like Abe Lincoln, and he's that other person. When he got into the other body. Yeah, so he jumps to the next person. And now he's Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, or he's just like, yeah, he's like Abe Lincoln and he's a meth addict. So that would mean that meth addiction is not necessarily in your body, but it's in your quantum structure, that your soul, your quantum soul through your electrons and stuff.

Well, if it's true that it's like a habit thing. Like if it's a habit forming thing. It's more like a ritual or whatever. It's all mental. Rather than like a physical dependency. Yeah. I think ice is probably also a physical dependency. Okay, okay.

I think that would be fun though. Like a show about that. About how a guy, it's like Quantum Leap. But he's a junkie and he just happens to stumble into the machine. Yeah, and then he goes from... And then so when he's Abraham Lincoln, he's trying to get people to invent meth. Yeah.

Okay, where is your pharmacy? I think they won't have regulations set up yet, so we won't have to give over a driver's license. I didn't even have driver's licenses back then. They didn't have drivers. Everybody was walking everywhere. Really? I think so. No, they didn't even use horses.

Yeah, horses. But horses were walking. They were on foot. Horses were on foot. With the carriage. There the horses were walking. They were on foot. The horses were on foot. With the carriage. There was horse and carriage back then. Oh, we had horses, but the horses had cars. It would have been an interesting time

just after, like, cars had been invented and people were still using horses, where people were like, well, where does the horse sit? Does the horse drive the car? I don't know if my horse is drunk. I don't think my horse should be driving this car. Is there any way that I could, instead of driving the car, could I just put my horse behind the wheel

and then I just pull on the reins like when you're riding the horse? Steer the horse. Is there a way of just bridging that gap like that? That's a funny sketch. Okay, we've got to do that. That guy trying to get, the guy who gets, or maybe even like the guy who invents the first car or something. And then hasn't quite separated himself from the idea that you need a horse for transport.

We're still working out how the horse... Where the horse goes. Maybe try strapping an engine to a horse. You know, he's trying to make the horse faster. Like you put wheels on a horse. That know, he's trying to make the horse faster. Like, he puts wheels on a horse and stuff. That's good, too. Yeah. Come on.

Look, it's the different evolutions of the game that he's trying to figure out. I could picture, like, that maybe the horse is upside down and the engine is on its belly and then, like, some wheels are sort of strapped to its shoulders and its hindquarters. He's like, it's just not as comfortable sitting on its chest. Whoa there.

Whoa there. That's what it's called. Whoa there. That's the name of the sketch. Whoa there. Whoa there. How do you spell whoa? W-H-O-A-H W-H-O-A

W-H-O-A Yeah, I thinkH-O-A-H W-H-O-A-H I believe Yeah, I think you're right You gotta create to destroy, man That's, see, that's That's a good tagline No, see, that's the inverse of the You gotta destroy to create

You gotta create to destroy I don't know what it means But it sounds profound And if I was in a punk band I'd probably have that on a t-shirt Yeah Next to a symbol but you would a symbol a symbol or a symbol no like a symbol um sim simba from the from the lion king uh-huh and then

l from uh the letter you know like l mcpherson simba l symbol do you think you um what other simbas is there um do you know of any other simbas like because everyone's always like simba from the lion king but it's like where else is simba from well i imagine maybe and look this is just me being pedantic no i know there's probably like other Simbas in the world, right? But I don't know any other Simbas. Yeah, that's true. You know? But it almost sounds like you're just making sounds.

If you don't mention, like you go Simba and you go, Simba what? Simba way. What am I doing? I don't know. I don't know. Anyway. anyway that's fine so we've got two sketches so far and i think we're doing okay great sketches hey and we didn't get to write down any sketches until pat got here old old the muse pat pat the muse amusing pet he's waving you couldn't see the wave i think from now on whenever I go on a podcast, I'm going to bring something noisy with me.

Like what? Like potato chips. Because even then, when you're not talking, at least you're contributing. You're being recorded. Your sound. Basically, you're going to live on into the future after you die because you're chewing.

You're chewing. People are chewing. You're chewing. Your chewing. Chewing. Your chewing. People might be able to, like this is in the far future, like probably like 30 years, right? People will be able to listen to you chew, right? Or they'll play you chewing into like a computer that'll read the pattern of your chewing. And they'll be able to reconstruct your teeth structure from the sound, right?

Your tooth structure. And from that, they'll be able to reconstruct your DNA, right? And then they'll be able to... It's hardwired into your tooth structure. And because of your tooth structure, that would be, you know... Related to your DNA. Related to your DNA, yeah. You know, DNA, that would be related to your DNA.

Yeah, DNA, that's the blueprints, buddy. Yeah. That's the blueprints. This is your data being downloaded. So you're saying if they have a part of the building, they'll be able to construct the blueprints for that building. Yes. Well, that's not exactly true for buildings, but with DNA, that's true. DNA has all the information in it.

Yeah, but if you get a tooth, right? Yeah. And say it's just a copy of a tooth. It's not the actual tooth. Yeah. Can you get the DNA from the copy just because of how the tooth is structured? Well, are you bearing in mind that this is the future? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if you... Al was very careful to point out that this was happening in the future. 30 years from now. 30 years. Anything's possible in the future.

And also, did you notice that I mentioned it was the you chewing rather than just you talking like you're going to do for the rest of your life? You can get anything

you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. with uber eats well almost almost anything so no you can't get an ice rink on uber eats but ice tea and ice cream yes we can deliver that uber eats get almost almost anything order now product availability may vary by region see app for details the rest of the podcast when you're not

right there is an element of ridiculousness to this yeah it was that i was uh i know yeah so then then they take your dna and they remake you right and you know how you're kind of bored with life now that kind of yeah yeah like right now not most of the time yeah well they're gonna bring you back and you're gonna have to live through this whole thing all again and fuck because are they bringing everyone else back? Yeah, all of us. We're going to recreate this podcast. Yeah, the podcast.

Okay, how about this as a thing? Okay, I think it's like the Unaware Olympics, right? Okay, so we were talking the other night about people running for a tram. Yeah. Okay, there's this thing called uh the unaware olympic committee okay and basically they nominate a city every year uh to hold the unaware olympics and no one in the city knows that they're holding the unaware olympics but then there's just all these sort of timekeepers just sort of slowly infiltrate the city and just start sort of timing people doing different things

running for trams that sort of thing yeah and then at the end of like a period of a month yeah they just hold an award ceremony and they call people up and they get there in and they're like congratulations you won the uh the 50 meter sprint for a taxi you've been watching the yeah yeah and it could be kind of like open up like a spy movie you know where there's just these all these people putting equipment in, like, sacks. Yeah. You know, like, they're mercenaries. Yeah. And then they all just convene on this town. And then everybody, after, they're just watching all these people, you know, with stopwatches.

Yeah, yeah. So it looks, like, really dark. And then they just go around with, like, a blank van and start kidnapping these people. And taking them to award ceremonies. Yeah. But it's sort of like the, because the Olympics used to be like, it was the amateur games.

So it wasn't for professionals, it was just for amateurs who just did it. And I reckon this is sort of a response. People criticize the Olympics for being too professional these days. And surely the ultimate amateur is one who doesn't even know that they're competing in the event.

Yeah, I agree. And what I also like is, at the beginning of that part where you said they're packing equipment in the event. Yeah, I agree. And what I also like is at the beginning, that part where you said, like, you know, they're packing equipment in the thing, right? Because it's all secretive. You still don't know what's happening. They would be packing some guns up.

Occasionally they would have, you know, they could just be standing in a crowd just going... And then everyone just bolts. And then one person runs across the finish line. And everyone runs in the wrong way. They all run in the wrong way.

Well, they don't know which way the finish line is because it's the unaware Olympic. And there's just one guy there at the line. He's taking a photo as people run through. And then he checks it out. And then he tracks them down through Facebook and image recognition software. And then something like this, because, you know, that's why you do a major city, because there's more tourists there.

In that way, it's more fair. It's more of an international games kind of thing, unaware Olympics. Yeah. But wouldn't it be also cool if in this unaware Olympics, they had these events, but they still had professionals running them, that they were the only ones that knew about it? So say with, you just have this gun go,

and then like fucking like, you know, there's like Usain Bolt running just running and you just think there's a madman just going that could be good yeah yeah look I think I think that would be um that would be like a plant like I think that would be a big scandal if it turned out that Usain Bolt... Like Usain Bolt wins the unworn. Yeah. And then at the end, they have to prove that they weren't aware. Because instead of performance-enhancing drugs, there's...

Just advanced knowledge. Yeah, advanced knowledge-enhancing. Yeah, to tip off. Yeah. Like insider trading. Yeah, yeah. Because you had guys showing up even with the little number thing on their chest there like they got a little paper with the number one one one nine three two five yeah yeah and uh if you guys can you

guys invent a six number number like how fast can you do it go six seven eight four three two four five three six seven one nine six nine two three four tie How fast can you do it? Go. 6, 7, 8, 4, 3, 2. 4, 5, 3, 6, 7, 1. 9, 6, 9, 2, 3, 4, tie. Fly, fly. You just broke free from the digit system at the end there. Fry, fry potato. Fish, fish, dog stick. Blip, blip, blip. You just did six things.

9, 6, 2, dog, cat, 6, 9. Can you guys make six sounds? 962 dog cat 69 can you guys make six sounds feedback cat dog 692 alright name six things as fast as you can share apple table squid table squid okay As fast as you can. Do you think that this podcast... Share apple table squid table squid.

Okay. Be a fish window door. I thought you were going to bring it back on track. That was great. Okay, okay, okay. Then you just do it. Horse neck. Then you just do it. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Horse neck. I didn't think that this show could get more off the rails. The show where... Doing the think tank. The show where we... It used to be the show where we tried come up with five sketch ideas but now it's just a show where we try and name

six things as fast as fast as possible but you can't practice long no no no as soon as I think of one I go okay I can't say that

yeah yeah orange brown I always say potato Okay, I can't say that one. Yeah, orange, brown. I always say potato. Potato. Lake Coke 694 shit. Shit bucket? We have to stop. We have to stop.

Yeah. We can't do this anymore. Yeah. Okay. Because we're having too much fun. Yeah. What about six things That rhyme with each other

Get out of town It's not gonna happen Water daughter slaughter Aorta Yorta yorta Porter Is that it I don't know

Cat bat rat sat fat Yeah you're right That was clever Bridge minge Is that it? I don't know. Cat, bat, rat, sat, bat, sat. Yeah, you're right. That was clever. Bridge, minge. Okay. Really? Okay.

Okay. What about a guy that can't rhyme? Great sketch. Yeah, that's okay. And he's a rapper? What about a rapper that loses his ability to rap? To rap. And then he's just a regular guy.

So, like, he's just... There's nothing special about him. This could be... He would then have to go to like just freestyle just like conversation battles people just try to get up and try and like battle each other by making small talk or something so they go there and there's a big crowd

yeah that's great and then they go, and then it goes quiet and he goes, how are you doing? Yeah. They go, oh! Yeah, yeah.

Pretty good, thanks. You still? Oh! Anything new? My dog's got cancer. Oh, that's not small talk anymore. Everyone's like, go, go. And then the way that you lose is you feel like you've run out of things to say and you kind of get awkward.

And so he goes, oh, I have to go to the bathroom. Oh! Lost it! No way. The undisputed heavyweight champ in small talk has just been defeated by a three-year-old. Yeah, so is it set in an elevator? Let's get ready to mumble. Maybe what happens is it starts off in an elevator

and it's just these two guys like that. But then the doors open and then they walk out onto a stage in front of a huge group of people. No, it starts off. Okay, four people enter the stage, right? And it's two guys with their two girlfriends. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. And it's two couples that have never met. Oh, no, the couples, the girls know each other. Yes, great. But the guys have never met, right? The girlfriends are now leaving the ring. They're now leaving the ring,

and then go with that. Yeah. And that's how it begins. That's great. But I think they would sort of almost be dressed up sort of like boxers. So maybe they would have like those sort of silk dressing gown things and stuff.

And boxer shorts and stuff. Yeah, it would be great if there was like all the hype to something like a boxing match. That's why boxer shorts are called boxer shorts because they're like the ones that boxers wear. Thank you. You just saw Andy have a brain. Imagine all these walls just fell down and God was like, finally!

You figured it out, Andy. Now you are free to bask in the glory of my kingdom. Now I can finally return to Earth and make things better again. Thank you. Human knowledge has finally attained a point where I'm happy to return. Put down the small talk smackdown, I think, is a valid sketch concept. Is that a good scooch? It's a good scooch.

It's not a bad scooch. But also the really minor epiphanies are kind of fun. Yeah. And there would be like Confucius would have had a few much less significant thoughts. Sure. I presume. A fair few senseis. I presume a fair few senseis.

Confucius once said, a man who walks through door will find himself in a new room. That actually sounds a bit too profound, actually. That could be interpreted as a metaphor, and I imagine people could spend quite a bit of time unpicking the meaning in that. Man who picks his nose... Yeah, that's where I was going to go as well. Because I said the word.

Will probably eventually bleed in his nose. How about man who, every time man farts, he may. Farts. No. Something about like farting and like thinking you might shit yourself. But this is the thing about confuses but we're just about that structure or anything as soon as you say man who does this does this instantly your brain is hardwired to be like well there must be a meaning here yeah and then like that's why it's that's why religious texts said like as soon as you start to interpret them metaphorically of course you can

you can justify anything because you can you could interpret that anyway you could find any meaning that you wanted to in that if you were looking for it do you know there's like mistranslations all the time what if like he was just like man you know who who walks really you know what i mean like he was just kind of like a beat poet guy yeah man what's a who walks through a door finds himself and you know how some languages like when you can when you translate them they don't have like the and all that stuff. They don't have those little words. Yeah. What are those called? The little guys.

Prepositions. Prepositions. Some shit. No, that's not it. Definite article. Article. Yeah, that's good. Definite article.

Yeah, the indefinite article. I used to live with this Turkish girl and she always fucked up with the, right? So whenever I I tell her she'd be like fucking definite article and then storm out of the room

English sounds better than mine how did you fuck up the because you know how you're like hey let's go to the store she'd be like

let's go to store and I'd be like it's the store you know how you're like hey let's go to the store and she'd be like let's go to store and i'd be like it's the store she said like an article no because i i just mess around with her i'd be like you know it's the store no it's just store you know because she told me she she said to everyone in the house let me know let me know yeah but then she just got pissed off. I will go to store. I go to store. Fucking definite article. Fucking definite article. Fucking the definite article. Maybe when they translated Confucius, he was just like,

well, it's like the man who walks into another room, you know, and is just in another room, man. So you think because they didn't put the definite article in there then it just makes it sound deeper yeah yeah like yeah he was just writing a story it was like the man who walks into the room blah blah blah finds himself in another room yeah and then maybe it's just like a really shitty story the guy you know he was really shit at writing stories but then someone translated all these shitty stories just because they were really old

yeah well that's what look if there's any texts left over from the past they must just be from some guy who was super important that's what they've assumed yeah because i guess back then it was it was harder to write shit like get paper now there's gonna be so much shit for people in the future to sift through. They're not going to bother. Yeah. No, in the future they'll have a machine. Oh.

That's true. They're going to have at least one machine. Which reconstructs you through your handwriting. Yeah. And your blog posts. Yeah. And then the world is going to be so crowded. So much. There's just going to be bloggers and podcasters everywhere.

Isn't that what it's turning into now? It's already that now. Yeah, so they try and, okay, in the future, they make a machine that can trawl through somebody's internet history and recreate that person from their online presence, right? But then it turns them into a monster. Yeah, exactly. It would just be like this horrible, deformed little blob

that sort of squirts bile out and farts. That would be great if there was an app or something you could use to monitor your internet usage. And then it just creates what would the image of you are so like like just based on what you look at and stuff that's a good sketch what you look at and like what you post online so what your facebook comments are and like what's the stuff and how long you spend where yeah you know and then yeah and then there'd be another website you can click on a link you could go to and it would give you an update, almost like a picture of Dorian Gray thing, but based on your internet life.

Oh, and it can take an actual picture of you. It takes your Facebook profile and turns it into what it should look like. Yeah, wow. It looks terrifying. Yeah, that sounds horrible. And complex. But it could be like a sketch, right? Yeah. The way you, who sounds horrible. And complex. But it could be like a sketch, right? Yeah.

The way you, who you actually are or something. Yeah, we're gonna need some CGI for this. What would it be like Dorian Gray 2.0 or something? Oh. Yeah. Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray. It's got nothing to do

with it. It's just vaguely topical. It would have been five months ago. You're like the guy that showed up for a train like half a year late. Dorian Gray, Gundam style. I did say vaguely topical. I'm just buzzing your balls. But imagine a guy showed up for a train like six months late and is like, Hey, I'm here for the 615.

They're like, can I see your ticket? This was 60 years ago. I am so late for my wedding. I'm so late for my wedding I'm so late for my wedding Boy I wonder if they're still there Quickly He starts running

He starts running Yeah But you know At his age He starts running. Yeah, but you know, at his age. Yeah, he starts running and then he just fucks his hip up and falls over. And then he has to pay somebody to take him there. Get his, replace his hip. Yeah, oh yeah. He can hit someone over the head and steals their hip. But maybe like, he has a cane and he uses it to latch on to people.

So you know how people have the wheelie luggage? He just latches on to that. So you see someone walk across the screen with the wheelie luggage and then he's just dragged behind it. He's got two canes and he's just jumping. Is he just wearing those shoes that turn into roller skates? Yeah, cool. Yeah. Kids have them all the time.

I used to have a pair of those. Did you? Did they work? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rachel had a pair. Yeah, and he has my pair. Oh. Mm.

Yeah. Full circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, guys. We just need one more sketch. We just need one more sketch. Yeah. Late train?

Right. Late train is okay. This is a sketch I want to do. sketch yeah late train right late train is okay this is a sketch I want to do I thought about right yeah okay hope I haven't said this

already on the podcast you know the Archibald Prize yeah okay this is a bit like the unaware Olympics really but like the Archibald Prize

they do no one knows they're in it that well sort of yeah Archibald Prize is a portrait painting prize they always try and paint

portraits of famous people and I wanted to have a sketch where because there's a guy who's sort of like the paparazzi

version of that but like he can't get any famous people to sit for him so he always I think I might have already said

this on the podcast yeah yeah he does it he's standing in the paparazzi line as people are coming out and he's trying

to paint them I think I might have already done that all right sorry guys that's embarrassing i'm repeating myself andy you're falling apart falling apart look i think it's fine what about a sketch about an inventor yeah that keeps just inventing things that have already been invented yeah i think that's already been done. Has it? No, I'm making a joke about it. You know, you got me back. Now you guys, both your balls are busted. They're just like broken eggs.

Yeah, just like a couple of eggs. I'm going to make an omelette. With all your busted egg balls. A scrotum.otlet yeah omelet like wait manlet no ovary ovaries oval omelet yeah nine quick quick quick name the least funny animal uh dog badger your mom i'm just kidding no but really a badger no i mean like the least the animal you think has been used the least in comedy oh yeah okay okay well definitely not chimps or yeah they're at top with badges and shit dogs dogs pretty well used mm-hmm yeah ducks are pretty well yeah whales crop up in comedy all that often yeah

not but they but they do in the schoolyard like they'll make fun of your mom for being away and beached as bro yeah like the least referenced animal the animal kingdom okay so we kill lizard lizards over there in the animal kingdom right yeah they are very much like seals seals seals are pretty funny though like and they've had the whole movies dedicated to them Because they always stick out their tongue That's why they use the tongue No they don't

No they don't That's not a thing I could google seal right now And I bet you one of the photos I bet you one of the photos would You're right It's the one of you in a seal costume You know that one How and that how cool would that

be if you put on um one of every animal like like a like a costume where you photoshopped your face on every animal and then tried to get it in the top five of google images so you type in seal and then you're there on a seal's body. You're lying and then boom, you're there. It's sort of like trying to do like, what's it called? It's like search engine optimization. Yeah. But for every word. No, just the animal kingdom. Just the animal kingdom.

Yeah. And so I'm trying to get myself as the top. Look, I'm currently number one at whale. Google blue whale. And is it just like just a blue whale and then just my face roughly cut out. Yeah. Completely. Do you know what you've actually done?

You haven't even photoshopped it. You've cut out pictures from magazines and then went through photo albums and roughly cut your head out and like and like cello taped it on and then taking a picture of it with your phone and how do i get it optimized i have to have a lot of people look at it yeah yeah but you know it yeah and that's how you become famous uh like that's how you get big on google because everyone's like oh i can. Like, that's how you get big on Google. Because everyone's like, oh, I can Google optimize. But you actually have done it.

Okay, this might be more plausible. I'm Google optimist. Optimist Google. Could this be more plausible if, like, for some reason, it was one of the guys from Google? Like, Larry Page or Sergey Brin just decides one day that they want that to be the first thing that comes up. So we've got this new feature at Google, something we've been working on.

It's called Google Animals. And now when you Google any animal, the first image that you will see will be my face stuck on that animal. You see, because since working with Prism, one of our initial mottos for Google was do no evil. Yeah. Right? And so since we've started working with Prism and the NSA, we've realized, well, whatever. We're not going to do that anymore.

So we need a new evil. So we're going to just do evil. And from now on, whenever you Google chimp or antelope or caribou or blue-tongued lizard, there's like a fade that says like two hours later. Or worms. Or tapeworms. Or earthworms. Or bacteria. Five days later.

Or. Yeah, I don't know if it's the do no evil thing, but I think it is just like, because at Google they get a certain amount of time to work on their own private projects, and that's how people came up with things like Google Maps and stuff. It was just a project that someone was like, this would be a really cool thing for us to do.

There's a guy there who's like, this is the thing that he's done, and for some reason they've gone with it. And everyone's talking about what a great feature it is. That whenever you Google... Google, this is why Google... Well, I mean, people said when we came out with... Gary's face is just everywhere. When we came up with Google Maps, people said that there was going to be no need for it

or there was no way for us to turn that into a viable business model and look where it is today. I mean, who's to say that Googling an animal and seeing my face stuck onto that animal isn't going to be the Google Maps of tomorrow? I mean, you know, Bill Gates looks like an idiot saying that people will only need 356 kilobytes. It'll be plenty for a home computer. You don't want to be on the wrong side of this. You guys don't want to be Bill Gates.

You look like an idiot. You don't want to look like an wrong side of this. You guys don't want to be Bill Gates. You look like an idiot. You don't want to look like an idiot like Bill Gates. He's got all that money, but he still looks like an idiot. Am I right, guys? What a moron. You can't buy not looking like an idiot. It doesn't matter how much money. He'd have to spend all his money just to not look like an idiot.

And then he'd look like an idiot because he spent all his money not looking like an idiot. That's the only thing an idiot would do. back to help in africa bill gates yeah you jerk so anyway every animal now has my face yeah i think that could be a sketch new google product serger brin's face on every animal google image. I actually might try doing that. I'm going to start a campaign to see if I can get to the top of every animal. It's going to be tough. Or another one would be great

as if it was just riding every animal. So it's just a picture of me straddling every different animal. Like a mouse. That would be great. It's like a giant mouse. Yeah. If you were to straddle a mouse, would you just have the mouse on the ground

and one foot either side, or would you have to lift the mouse up and sort of press it against your perineum? Do you consider that... So it's a reverse saddle? It's kind of just like another pair of underwear that you put on, but it's got a little hole at the front where the mouse's head can come out.

Are we just saying you're strapping a mouse to your balls? And what you've got to do is you've got to tuck in first. So you've got to do a mangina. Great. And then attach a mouse to it. You've got to. Absolutely. Take us through the sketches.

A mouse has a dick. Or it has a human attached to its back. That was like after they did the mouse with the ear on its back. We had a mouse with a whole man. Just a man growing out of its back. What was a mouse with an ear on its back? They grew an ear on the back of a mouse. Oh, that sounds disgusting.

No, it was beautiful. I mean, it was beautiful. Okay, we got five sketches. Was it a white fuzzy ear? Eh? Was it a white fuzzy ear? No, I think it was a white guy's ear. It was a white guy's ear?

Yeah. It was racist. It was because it was a white mouse. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, sorry. It was skin... It was hairless.

Hairless mouse. Was it? Yeah. It wasn't a hairy ear. No, I know, but I think the mouse had hair. No was hairless. Hairless mouse. Was it? Yeah. It wasn't a hairy ear. No, I know, but I think the mouse had hair. No. No? Nope.

Hairless mouse. Okay. All hairs are five sketches. It was a hairless mouse. Guy who keeps bopping people on the head and stealing clothes and lives. And we got a whoa there sketch. and lives. And we got a

whoa there sketch. Guy who invents first car doesn't realize he can get rid of the horse and tries to bridge the gap. The Unaware Olympics.

We got Small Talk Smackdown. And the new Google feature animal surge Bryn's face on every animal. There you go. Poor Pat riding every animal.

How many animals is there? That's like one of the questions. Good question. Six? Seven? Oh, I think it's more than that. Name six animals. Okay.

Cat, dog, fish. A game we love playing at Google is name six things. Name six things. Okay, so we have to wrap it up. So... You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost almost anything.

Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.