Two In The Think Tank - "LOST EPISODE" 13 - "Big Dead Bush Pig"

Episode Date: August 16, 2013

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I've often been referred to as a much less talented Reggie Watts. Oh. Yeah. Much less talented. Yeah, yeah. Emphasis on the much. And the often. Yeah, and the very little emphasis on the Reggie Watts. Actually, they put so little emphasis on it, it becomes almost unhearable and incomprehensible.

Every time that has been mentioned, and it is often, you're right to say often, all the words in the sentence have been so under-emphasized that it's impossible to hear. Yeah, but except for the word much. Much. Highly emphasized. Just people just wandering down the street and then shouting out the word much. Yeah, but I know what they mean. We all know. They're talking about Reggie Watson.

Oh, stop it. Yeah. No, much less talented, please. I mean, who's to say what's more talent than another thing? What thing has more talent? I mean, is forging a career on your talent mean that your talent is more, or are you just better at forging careers? Yeah, I think Reggie Watts' real talent lies in his talent for forging a career based on his real talent.

He's a career smith. He is. The man has a gift for improvising a career. It's almost like moment to moment he's piecing together the elements, the diverse elements that go into making up a successful music and comedy career. Yeah. And it might not necessarily be music and comedy skill, but it's through shaping the career in a certain way that makes it look like you've got the musical and comedy skill. Absolutely. Absolutely. the musical and comedy skill. Absolutely.

It's because he's setting the expectations at a certain level with his career. I think the fact that people know that he's making up the career on the spot as well, that all that's just happening to him in real time, I think that has a big effect on the way people perceive his career. And he appears to be a lot more successful,

probably gets a lot more plaudits than perhaps some people whose careers have been more thoroughly planned. Yeah, I think trailblazers, they just get that little bit more applause than everybody else. I think a trailblazer is like a little camouflage like suit jacket anyway yeah yeah that you wear whilst bushwalking

and that's what I was talking about oh good yeah yeah they often get a lot of applause you know like okay

I have one or two trailblazers right and I only wear them during the winter the winter months the winter months and but usually if I walk

into a room wearing my trailblazer trailblazer or bushwalking vest because I also like The winter months. But usually if I walk into a room wearing my... Trailblazer. Trailblazer or bushwalking vest, as I also like to call it, usually a round of applause. Yeah. And I only have that for two or three garments that I own. And people point at you and they say, trailblazer.

Trailblazer. And you say, correct. Yeah. Trailblazer. Trailblazer. And you say, correct. Yeah. This is, I'm wearing it in an urban environment because much like the modern SUV, it's also pretty useful to have around the house. Yeah. Other things like the modern SUV that is a giant dead bush pig.

I just have that. Like, I don't ever, you know, use it off-road or anything like that. I don't ever go into the country with it. But I just have a big, giant bush pig that's just dead, and I'm standing near it with a gun. Yeah. And I'm always getting photos. All the time.

Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's my urban dead bush pig. Yeah, it's interesting the number of things that, like the SUV, have started off as a purely off-road recreational kind of very, very, very functional thing. And then have wound up being part of our urban lives. Much like the highly functional big dead bush pig. Yeah. big dead bush pig. Yeah.

Which, you know, you think that because there's, you know, oh, because they don't get any mud on it, then it's, then somehow it's less valuable than one that you would have in the woods. Just because I keep my bush pig clean doesn't mean I don't need it on the roads. Yeah, exactly. It's great when it's raining sometimes. I have heard that bush pigs are actually, they're not completely safe, especially if you've got children.

Well, they have a tendency to... Because if they roll over... They roll over and they can crush your kids. Yeah. Yeah, that's one of the issues. But the thing is that I'm a good parent, so I keep a close eye on my children and on my giant bush pig, dead bush pig. You're a good parent and you're a fantastic swineherd, might I say. You're right.

And the thing is, because you know before I accidentally made reference to just my giant bush pig, I also have a living bush pig. Yeah. Well, I think you can still herd a dead bush pig. Of course, yeah. And I have a dead bush pig dog, anyway. Is the dog also dead? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I have a dead bush pig dog, anyway. Is the dog also dead? Yeah.

Yeah, right. But it's the calls that I yell at it that really bring it to life. What do you have with that dead bush pig dog? Yeah. It's beautiful. Round the back, round the back. Get away back there, get away back there. Come on, bring him back in, bring him back in. Oh, he's following on the children. He's following Round the back. Round the back. Get away back there. Get away back there. Yeah. Come on, bring him back in.

Bring him back in. Oh, he's following on the children. He's following on the children. Yep. Yeah. And then usually I just go pull the children out from under the dead animals. Usually. And then I just go wash their hands and we have dinner.

I think the dead bush pig. Or at least taking the idea of the off-road things and having them around the Turok tractors of life, the many and varied. The machete. Often you'll see a football mum just with the machete wandering the streets. She finds that quite useful.

Of course. The machete? The machete. Yeah, I mean, cutting ferns. There you go. And then when you're in the city, fake ferns.

Around the office. Around the office. You know, just trimming back the scrub. Yep. Yep. Yep. What else do you get in the bush? A sort of, a sense of despair.

I think often you'll find that Turok mums have got that as well. Absolutely. If anything, it works better in the city. It does. It does. There's something that a bleakness... Much in the way that Teflon invented for space exploration has turned out to be an absolute boon around the home.

So the sense of despair, which once upon a time was really just a thing for those in the bush working the land. It's absolutely revolutionized the way we do things. If I remember correctly, I believe the peasants used to enjoy a bit of despair. But these days, you'll find... You don't remember correctly? You don't? But you're still right. Yeah, I don't remember correctly, but absolutely.

It was just by chance that I happened to also be correct. Yeah, you're so wrong that you've come all the way around. You've misremembered it exactly right. But luckily, so peasants, it used to be a thing that was only enjoyed by the peasants. But the despair has been sort of kind of modernized a little bit by the people of today and embraced by the rich in the cities. Yeah. And at a high cost.

Huge cost. Huge cost, yeah. Because often your sense of despair can roll over onto your children and crush them. Yeah, that's a problem. Emotionally. Yeah, absolutely.

But then you've got to wash their hands because it's dinner time, you know. Because we're not just having carrot sticks now. No. I don't know why that didn're not just having carrot sticks now. No. I don't know why that didn't make sense, that last thing they said. Okay, so SUVs aren't the only country things that seem ill-fitting in the city. Ill-fitting in the city. Don't fit well in the city.

But are booming. But are booming. E.G. Yep. Big dead bush pigs. That's cool. Yeah, that's really cool. That's in the tank bank.

Yeah, we're putting that one in the tank bank. Down in the tank bank. That's our new... Came one in the tank bank. Down in the tank bank. That's our new... Came up with that. What would you call that? A slogan? No, it's not a slogan. It's a little catchphrase. A little catch cry.

It's our catch cry. It's a catch cry. It sounds like a war cry. Yeah. But it's something that you yell when you get a catch. Yep, and you... Put that in the stank bank. I don't know. Stank... Oh, I've you... Put that in the stank bank. I don't know.

Stank... Oh, I've already fucked it up. The stank bank. The stank bank. Wait, what is it? What's the podcast called? Tank bank. The tank bank.

Yeah, put that in the tank bank. Put that in the tank bank for later. Yeah, so we got the... Later on when we're stroking our comic egos, our huge, throbbing comic egos, we're going to be picturing that great bit that we just came up with about bush pigs. Bush pigs.

Big giant dash bush pigs. B-D-P-Ps. Like the SUV. Your ability to build an acronym from a sentence that's been given to you is sort of unmatched by most people. So, okay, let's see. Oh, no.

Here we go. All right. I didn't want to do this in front of everyone here. No, no, no, it's fine. Look, Andy. Alistair, you're making a scene. Come on. I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed. Okay. All right, all right. Here we go, Andy. You ready? Yep. All right. Porcupines told by children.

P-P-T-B-C. That's really good. Thanks. Randy raccoons under the bridge coat. R-R-U-T-B-C. You might be right, actually, Alistair. I'm starting to come around to your way of thinking. I do have an unusual gift or a UG.

Okay, the next one, can you kind of just make it sound a little bit more like it's just a thing that you talk about all the time? Oh, yeah, you mean the RRBCCTDs? Yeah, I can do that. Okay, so Kevin Bacon Appreciation Bacon Society. Kevin Bacon Appreciation Bacon Society. The K-B-A-B-A-C. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Is actually what we call it around the office.

Oh, yeah. So you'll just find that saves a bit of time. The K-B-A-B-A-C. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The K-B-A-B-A-C. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Kababak.

Oh, is that how they throw it around around the kebabak kebabak yeah yeah okay cool hope you're there

thank you very much have you ever seen a speech pathologist uh uh oh Al oh

you made it worse Al just took away my Al, oh, you made it worse. Yeah. Al just took away my empty pudding bowl. I've made it worse for now, but I'm making it better for the future. Speech. It's always dark, it's always darker before dawn. Pathologist. Yeah, have you ever seen a speech pathologist?

No, I mean, my, uh, my cousin is a speech pathologist. Yeah, I know, but have you ever really seen him, her? But, thanks. Do but have you ever really seen him? Her? But, thanks. Do you have any hot cousins? I have no comment. Do you have hot cousins? No, I don't have any comments. I don't think so. I mean, like, not anyone that I would sort of say

is hot, no. No. The answer is no. Well, I also don't have anyone that i would say is hot but but i'll leave it up to you what that means i think i think there's there's very few people in your life that you ever trust enough like you know you're so far off that level of trust like oh man uh i tell you what uh being at war in the trenches in World War I, I remember we got so close to the other blokes in our platoon. I mean, there were a couple of guys there who I told, I told which were my hot cousins.

Which cousins? Which were my cousins I felt attracted to. I was really attracted to. That kind of bond. We were very much on a tell each other what you thought of the physical attractiveness of-cousins-friends basis. Is there a sketch in that? Yes.

How close were you guys? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we were... I told them my specific sexual likes. No, okay, let's go back to the cousins. Yeah, let's go back to the cousins. But yeah, I think it's like, it's almost like it would be a documentary.

And you can have a bunch of different things, but it's a documentary where you've got old guys from the war, diggers, if you will, return servicemen, talking about what it was like. But maybe they just always wind up using these bizarre rating systems for everything.

We were so close. I remember the night before, we went over the top, and we just sat around describing the exact feeling of wiping our own arseholes to each other. We exchanged wiping techniques. Yeah. Because, I mean, it's always something that is so solitary that you never know whether you're doing it right. I mean, results is one way, but...

There's something about having a man save your life that really just opens you up to being able to tell him exactly what you like about the smell of your own farts. That you once kissed your own mum with a tongue. Your tongue. Neither of your own mum with a tongue. Your tongue. Neither of your tongue. A third party. It was a third party tongue. Yeah.

Yeah. I like whenever there's a third party in something. I just like the expression of third party. Yeah, that is really fun. Third party insurance. I mean... When I go out for a big night on the town on the weekend, I always take with me a bottle of a little hip flask.

Yeah. And I refer to it as my third-party insurance, just in case by the time I get to the third party, my buzz is off. Three parties seems like too much much though, doesn't it? Because you go to a party, right? Then you go to an after party. I do have one friend. Yeah.

And he knows who he is. Yeah. Who goes, who just stacks the parties. He's a party stacker. And he'll go to like four or five parties. In a night. In a night. And I don't know.

Just making appearances? Yeah. But like you can never really settle in and enjoy a party. Like I think the best parties are the ones that you can't remember really what happened. You're just like, well, it was such a good party last night. We just,

remember there was like one moment where all I know is we were just stacking vases. Yeah. And then, and then the last thing I remember was just having a cigarette and I never smoke and I was just like smoking it through my eye.

That does sound like a great party. Yeah. With that, it's like when you sift through your memory of the night before, you just find these little nuggets of information. It's like when paleontologists find a tiny little bit of bone of a dinosaur and then they hypothesize this giant, amazing beast. That's like us just imagining the night before. But you do it with like

cuts that you find on your arm. You go where did I get this huge bruise? Look at the size of this bruise I've got. Don't you remember you were like you were jumping and just landing on the banister and like just going look I'm almost

dying. Over and over because he thought it would be funny to almost die. I'm not dying so you guys don't have to look scared.

And then a giant bush pig rolled over on you. Oh yeah. Yeah, we went to Tom's house and he's

house sitting for his parents and you were in the living room. And you were... You slept next to the giant dead bush pig. And it rolled over onto you in the night. And then crushed...

That's why your legs are all crushed. You woke up in the morning. And you looked over at the giant dead bush pig. And you said, Boy, I thought my cousin was a lot hotter than that. And... Because you thought you'd spent the night with him. And then I made breakfast.

And then I made breakfast. And there was bacon. Oh, that bacon was so good as well. Well, it would have been wild. There's something about, you know, they always talk about like, it's like wild salmon and wild dead bush pig. If life gives you a wild dead bush pig. Yeah. Then make wild dead bacon. Bush bacon. Wild dead bush pig. If life gives you a wild dead bush pig, then make wild dead bacon.

Bush bacon. Wild dead bush bacon. W-D-B-C. You are really good at this. Actually, this C isn't. No. W-D-B-B. I should have said C. B-B? B-B. The C in bacon confused me.

What was the B? Wild dead bush bacon. Bush bacon. Oh, you're right. God damn it. Doesn't matter. Even when I get it wrong, I still impress you. I'm never going to check. Yeah, I could say anything. I'm not in a position to.

Yeah. Look, I wrote down so close we told each other which of our cousins we were attracted to. Yeah. And we can just figure out what we can do with that eventually in the future. It's at least a line. Should we have like a separate list for lines that we want to use? No, I think we include them

on the full scale tank bank list. And we just make ourselves feel really good about how many ideas we've come up with. Even if some of them aren't fully fledged ideas. That's fine. The thing is sometimes you just need a line and you just extrapolate. Yeah, like a paleontologist who's found a...

Exactly. Well, I mean, a paleontologist who's just found a single bone, that's, I mean, that is ambitious to, like, I don't know where they start. I guess they've got all sorts of places to go from that. Do they look at that and then they look at existing skeletons, first of all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's been situations where they've put together animals

and then later on they've gone, oh wait, this wasn't it at all. These weren't the bits. This isn't how it goes together. It must be so much fun. I know, but also it must be a little bit frustrating. That guy, whoever put together one animal, was it the Brontosaurus or something like that? They were like, oh yeah, turns out that wasn't...

That's not how they go. That's not how they go. They thought it went like that for 50 years, 20 years. I don't know how long it was. A thousand years. A thousand years. A thousand years? Yeah. It was the first paleontologist.

So this was like before... Was this for real? No. No, okay, sorry. I should be smarter than that. Oh, no, I should just exaggerate better. No, no, well, you know... I should have said a million years,

and then we would have clearly been, ha, ha, ha, a million years. That's when the fossils would have been being formed. No, I don't think so. No. I don't think so either. Your exaggeration skills are terrible. Acronyming, you're a master.

Or at least you're a master at making it seem like you are. I'm an acro-nymphomaniac. Yeah, acro-nymphomaniac? I love the idea that you want to have sex with acronyms? Andy, what are you doing in there with the NRMA? Just with the letters N, R, M, and A. Yeah. The FBI.

I'm just putting my dick between the R and the M. Okay, wait. Just knock at the door, right? I'm going to go get in the bed. the M. Just, okay, wait. Just knock, just knock at the door, right? I'm going to go and get in the bed. You knock on the door and when I say, who is it? You just say, it's the FBI. That's all I need. No, but then I say, you mean the American police force thing?

And you go, no, just the letters. F, B, and I. And they'll say, come in. And then they'll fumble in. Oh,

yeah. Which are three letters that you would use in the sentence fumble in. Yeah, that's really good

and really a good observation. Yeah, and then they strip off the F and the I and just the B. Oh my god. It's just left, and just that curve in the B, you just cup that. You just cup that. Wow, wow.

The F sticks the I up your ass. Just cup the B while I F you with the I. Pardon me. I don't know what can be done with Acronymphomaniacs. Acronymphomaniacs. Look, that one, that can just be, that's just for us. That's just for you and me. Yeah, okay.

Do you think so, or do you think that's it? I'm going to put that in my tank bank. Yeah, put it in your tank bank. My personal tank bank. Yeah. I'm going to put that in my spank bank. That scene that we just created. Yeah. I mean, that's...

It's not like... It's not fan fiction because I'm not a... I mean, I'm not a fan of anything you do. Peer fiction? That's peer... yeah, erotic peer fiction. Oh, just writing erotic stories about your friends. Erotic friend

fiction. Yeah, I think that's a really good idea. Okay, this is a guy who writes family and friend, erotic family and friend fiction. Does he read it out at Christmas? I'll put you in a story. Guys, instead of buying you a present, I've written you guys a story.

I was going to write everyone an individual story, but in the end... It was easier to do you all as a group. I got carried away, and it was kind of easier's gonna do you all as a group i just got carried away and it was kind of easier just to put you all in it um and then nana walks in and it's just like the aristocrats and she's got a lawnmower attached to her one of those whippersnippers and she's just whipping dad's ass and while he's trying to carry mum away while he's... I don't know why. None of this seems erotic. Whipping Dad's ass while he's trying to carry mum away.

Well, that is clearly a lunatic. And Dad's... Dad sounds quite protective and justifiable. Oh, yeah, but they're both naked. I mean, there's mother-in-laws, right? And then there's mother-in-laws. Yeah. And Nan, she's one of the mother-in-laws.

Yeah, but, you know, she's the one who's into some strange stuff. It's just, that's the thing. It's just because you're family doesn't mean you all have the same fetishes. Well, and it's fiction. I did stress it's fiction. It's fiction. None of this is real, guys. Why is everyone getting so...

Why is everyone crying? This is just... If you don't like it, why don't you just leave? Christmas. Okay, I'm going to just put it in vertical instead of buying... Yeah, it's like...

Because people do that, you know. I've had people... My sister drew me a nice picture of me for my birthday. But then this is something else. You know, it's just using the skills that you have. Because if you... You know, not everybody's good at drawing. Some of us are good at smut.

Exactly. Erotic pure fiction. Erotic pure fiction. EPF. EPF. Oh, my God, Andy. Oh, my God. OMGA.

I guess I kind of set you up pretty good with oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. That one more or less writes itself. That's right. Okay. What about this one? W-A-T-O. Okay.

Oh. Okay. What? Is okay short for something? I think it's short for okay. But then I think that's just long for okay. So. Okay, how about this one?

This one might be really difficult. So, okay. What the fuck? Laughing out loud. Laugh my ass off. WTF, LOL, LMAO. You're just... Thank you.

You're like a... If anybody else has something, like a sentence... A sentence. That they've been struggling to turn into an acronym... Acronize. We got the acronym for maniac right here. I'm particularly acronymble. Yeah.

And I can do whatever it takes. Yeah. And so tweet, you know, long-form emails. Tweet at me. We're talking like, you know, if there's blocks of text or any sort of like sort of important speeches throughout history that you'd like acronymed. Yeah, just acronyms for huge.

I've actually come up with an acronym of the version of the Bible. Oh, wow, the KJ? Yeah, the KJ. Oh, yeah. The Reader's Digest do an abridged version, but I do a hyper-abridged version where I just leave only the first letter of each word. Oh, you know, I heard that Simon & Garfunkel album, one of their famous albums.

I kind of heard a shorter version of it. It was just the really, really good songs. And it was called Abridged Over Troubled Water. Yeah, their best of should have been called Abridged Over Troubled Waters. Troubled Waters. Troubled Water.

Abridged Over Troubled Waters. Water. When you're sending in your acronyms for us, just clarify that for us as well. Clarify that, thank you. We'll accept handwritten letters if you're not on the internet. if you're not on the internet. If you're not on the internet.

You're listening to this podcast. But somehow you're accessing podcasts. Perhaps you overheard it as you were driving past an electrical goods store. I think something to do, like, I mean, somebody who doesn't have the internet would probably be particularly interested in acronyms and people who are really good at them. Yeah, probably. Because they don't know that interesting things exist. Yeah, they don't know about, like,

the wealth of everything that you could watch, the existence of, like, you could spend all your time watching the best people in every field performing on YouTube. There probably was a time when people were so entertainment-starved they could have, like, toured the provinces

doing my travelling acronym show. Yeah, acronyming. Yeah. Andy the Acronyming. Acronym Acrobat. The Acronymble Acronym Acrobat. He can do it. Andy the Acronyming Acrobat. He can do it. This is Andy the Acronyming Acrobat.

He can do it. Yeah, but I'd sort of be like a contortionist in that I can fit really long sentences into a really small space. Box. Box. Or take really big blocks of text and put them through a tennis racket.

Yeah. Yeah, that's really great. We're not writing them through a tennis racket. Yeah. Yeah. That's really great. We're not writing this out as a sketch, though. No. No, of course not. Don't worry. This one's going in your own bank.

This is just in my own personal bank. Yeah. It's the Andy Bank. I'll put this in Commonwealth because I'm actually with Commonwealth. Oh. Yeah. And is there any more bank information that you want to put out into the public sphere? Okay, I'll tell you my BSB.

Yeah? 063238. Oh, mine's 062505. Ha! Gotcha! Oh. Mine was a trick. Oh, really? No, it wasn't. I'm not... I couldn't do that.

You couldn't put yours out there? No, that is genuinely what my BSB is. Oh, okay. I don't know why BSBs exist, anyway. I think it's what your branch is. Yeah, but why do we have to be tied to a branch? I don't want to be tied to a branch. I know, my branch is...

That sounds like a horrible way to live. Yeah, tied to a branch. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think... Is this a lynching thing? Yeah, I think it's the way a lot of people die. Yeah?

Yeah. From being tied to a branch? I like the idea of being tied to a bridge. I like the idea of being tied to a bridge. Nobody does. Oh, well, it's just the way we do things. Is that... We're banks? I mean, you feel like back in the day

when people would lynch people, which it might still happen, but hopefully less. I'd like to think that there's less lynch violence. I think we're getting lynching down. Yeah. Good. Bankers would have been involved at some point.

Yeah. And then maybe a banker saw it and he said, maybe a Commonwealth banker. He saw it and he thought, there's an element of this that I would like to add that I find quite appealing that I think could be useful could be transferable into a business model into my banking business model yeah

I think it's the being tied to a branch I like that part and personally I'd like to be a branch manager there you go. Uh, and my, my history in Arbery, uh, makes, makes, probably would make me, make me, me good at that. Yeah. You know, cutbacks, managing growth, um, trimming hedges, funds, hedge funds.

These are all jokes I've made before, by the way. And also, my background in... Because I never did flower arranging, but I did do stick arranging. There you go. Which are just dead branches. And also, my background, if you were taking a photograph of me right now, would be a bunch of sticks. Oh, yeah. Standing in front of some sticks.

Yeah. Background in sticks. Yeah. Yeah. Which is why I think I should open a bank. Based on this lynching that I just witnessed. Yeah. It's all right.

Yeah, but, you know, lynchings are horrible, right? Yeah, no. I think it's important that we should point that out. Guys, we don't condone lynching. Condoning, endorsing, or encouraging lynching. If anything, I would go out there and I would condemn lynching. I think I've felt like a bit of an asshole sort of not condemning lynching up until this point.

Your silence on the issue had been conspicuous, and people were starting to talk, and it's good that you've said something. Well, it's just... And a lot of people will say that you've caved in by coming out and saying that you're against lynching, that you should have maintained your silence. Yeah. But I support you, and I will stand by you. You know, Ronan Keating once said, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

But that certainly is not true on the topic of lynching. Or Ronan Keating. Or Ronan Keating. And so I'm glad that I've mentioned both that, that I'm condemning it, and that I've brought up Ronan Keating. One time I saw him on an interview on Rove and he said... You were on Rove? Oh, no, no, sorry. I was watching Rove.

Okay. And... So out of the corner of your eye, you're watching Rove, but out of the corner of your eye you catch a glimpse of someone interviewing Ronan Keating. Who was interviewing him? Oh, no, no, no. I wasn't on Rove. Sorry, you're misunderstanding me.

Okay. Yeah, I... Almost willfully. Really? No. Oh. I think we're coming at sort of an impasse in communication here. Some kind of... Communication breakdown? It's a communication breakdown. Do you think we should get this conversation up on the hoist and see what's going on underneath? Do you reckon we might have to replace the timing belt? Do you think maybe the catalytic converters burned out? Uh, no. Sorry, Alistair. No, it's alright.

Tell me about seeing the interview with Ronan Keating. He was once on Rove, and then Rove asked him about the music that he made. He said, is this the kind of music that you like to listen to? And he said, no. And that he just kind of like rock and stuff. And it gave me the impression that he wouldn't listen to that crap. That he just makes it for a buck. And that's exactly the way that I feel about this podcast.

Really? Yeah, I have no interest in it. But eventually you think we might get a buck out of it. Yeah, I'm doing it for the buck. The buck. The single buck that one day you and I might share. Because you've got to think long term. Well, I can't help but feel like just keeping ourselves alive to do this podcast,

waiting for this buck to arrive, we might be spending way more money. And it might almost be easier if we just killed ourselves. If we were in it for the buck. Or is there something about the buck? I think when you see the buck, you'll realize that it's all been worth it. Yeah?

Is this something about the money that you make doing the things that you love? You know? Is that they're somehow more valuable than money that you make working a job that you hate? It's almost a song. I have a separate question.

Yeah. When you're at school, right, primary school, do people ever do this, right, where they would say, oh, that marble, I'll give you two bucks for it, and you'd be like, oh, that marble, I'll give you two bucks for it. And you'd be like, oh, okay. And then they'd hit you in your stomach with their head and say, ha-ha, there's two bucks. You know, like bucking like a... No, but I thought bucking was where you made your back legs kick out.

Now that I think back on it, it doesn't really make any sense at all. I never really analysed it at the time. That's more like two butts. Head butts. Yeah, that's two butts, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know if that happened more than once, but it's definitely a memory that I have. Did you lose many marbles like that?

So many. I kept going back to this guy. And then just getting head butted in the stomach. Yeah. Sometimes he would even say, I'll give you two head butts in the stomach. And still. In exchange for nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes he would even say, I'll give you two head butts in the stomach. And still. In exchange for nothing. Yeah. Yeah. And I still felt like that was a good deal. Yeah. Well, I mean, you almost feel like you'd be losing money not taking it. Can we do something about negotiating positions? Yeah. Like adopting a negotiating position.

Okay. Either it's a physical position. It's like a Kama Sutra of negotiation. Yeah. Yeah. Like adopting a negotiating position. Okay. Either it's a physical position. It's like a Kama Sutra of negotiation. Yeah. All the negotiating positions that you might be interested in. You see how this one, just the title, that's comedy right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks.

Negotiating position. You're writing it down already. Yeah, negotiation. Let's see where we go with it, Andy. Well, there, yeah. Thanks. Negotiating position. You're writing it down already? Yeah, negotiation. Let's see where we go with it, Andy. Well, there's a couple of different ways it could go. Yeah. I've forgotten one of them already. Yeah.

But the other one is the one that we were just talking about. One, like, with the head in the stomach? Not with the head in the stomach. But, yeah, just like sexual positions or something, but they're sort of adapted for negotiation. Yeah. Or, no, that was the other thing I was thinking of. But just the idea of negotiating positions is funny,

and how people try and adopt a strong negotiating position, which is where you ask for heaps and heaps of stuff or something. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So, no, you can't get snow need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now.

Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. You start really high. Yeah. No, that's not what a negotiating position is at all, is it? A negotiating position is where you've got something that the other person wants really badly. Yeah. And you've got a good negotiating position.

Yeah. I think so. Yeah. To be honest, negotiation isn't my strong point. Yeah. I'll, uh... Yeah, so if I want something, I'll just pay anything for it. That means that they're in a good strong

negotiated I put myself in a weak position this could just be another line like that other thing was possibly just a line but where somebody says so what's our negotiating position and the guy said well I can I can put my ankles behind my neck if it helps. Yeah, well, I was imagining things like, I'm not sure exactly what you would call this, but there's one where one person's on the ground sort of grabbing the other person's ankle, begging, being dragged away.

So it would be a book almost like The Joy of Sex, but it's all negotiating positions? Yeah, 101 negotiating positions to try before you die. To spice up your life in the office. Yeah. Your meeting room. In the workplace. Yeah, in the negotiating table.

Yeah. And then imagine trying a negotiating position that is on a table. Because, I mean, that's really spicy. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Okay. a negotiating position that is on a table. Because, I mean, that's really spicy. Yeah. You know, yeah, maybe, okay. There are people who work as negotiators in like the FBI and stuff, aren't there? Like they have a chief negotiator.

Yeah. And his job is to come in and negotiate with people. So as a negotiator, your role is to, if you don't have any emotional investment in this thing, you're just in here, you're like, okay, this is what we want. Yeah. And we want to pay for, we want it for, you know, the least amount of work or whatever. Well, with the FBI, it's a, it's like you're trying to get a terrorist to release hostages or something like that. But is that what you're...

Yeah, I guess so, yeah. And I mean, how does it work? Do you have to like, okay, you say, look, I'm going to be able to get you an airplane, but I'm not going to be able to get you anything bigger than a sort of single engine. Cessna.

Cessna. And the guy says, I want a freight aircraft. I want one of those big jumbo jet things. And you say, okay, I can get you two Cessnas and a helicopter. Yeah. And I can probably get you a couple of back issues of Budgie, the little helicopter. Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Which was written by one of the royal family. Oh, really? Oh, actually, that does sound pretty good. I guess, you know, there's something. Yeah. Which was written by one of the royal family. Oh, really? Oh. Actually, that does sound pretty good. I guess, you know, there's something to read on the way. Yeah. But.

It's amazing that. But yeah, that stuff in movies when the go-shatters are always like, I can't. I'm not going to be able to do that unless you show me something, unless you release a couple of hostages. No, don't do that. Just shoot some hostages and say... I don't know. I feel like the guy with the hostages should be able to get whatever he wants. He's gone to all the effort to get those hostages.

Hostages aren't easy to get. No, absolutely. He's in a strong negotiating position. He's probably got his ankles behind his head. He's like, alright, I want a single engine plane. What are you wearing? Sort of a balaclava and a

neck scarf and a jacket, a ski jacket. Okay, I think I'll be able to get you that plane. I don't know what you're doing I don't either What's your negotiating position? 69

I don't know I don't know No it was interesting I'm glad you tried something Yeah It was kind of a sexy negotiation Yeah Well I was just trying to bring in

Some more of the Kama Sutra Of negotiation in there Just a bad negotiator Like a bad FBI negotiator is kind of a funny idea. I think the Kama Sutra of negotiation or the negotiation positions could just be a guy who's getting his induction at the FBI or at the... Let's try to keep it local, eh? The, uh... AZO?

Yeah? AZO? Yeah? A-Z-O? Yeah? A-Z-O? A? A-Z-O? Oh, no, we're doing the A after every A-Z-O. Oh, yeah, I thought we dropped it.

No, no, no, not with me. I thought there was an unspoken agreement. I thought we could keep speeding it up until we go... A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O.

A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O. A-Z-O.T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T- here's the, you know, and then there's that position. And then you keep showing different positions. It's like, okay, here's you. We call this one the helicopter. Yeah. And it's basically just you laying on top of the head of the terrorist. Yeah. Spinning around, yelling at all the things that you're going to give him. I don't know.

And that's one of the further ones. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it starts with... That's pretty high level. We try not to use that. We try not to use that. Of course, it's just like sitting across from each other. Yeah.

You know, sort of... That's standard. That's very missionary in a lot of couples. Both, yeah. But that can get boring, you know. Of course. And you've got to keep it spicy. There's the stand and pace.

In the negotiating room. Otherwise, you'll get bored. Of course, yeah., and you've got to keep it spicy. There's the stand and pace. In the negotiating room, otherwise you'll get bored. Of course, yeah. Stand and pace. Stand and pace. There's the buddy-buddy where you interlock, which is sort of more advanced because then, you know, you have to sort of either pretend to become friends or actually seriously bonded with the person. You know, people have more things in common with terrorists than they... No, I mean, terrorists are just people. Yeah. They're just people who... Great people, a lot of the time. Yeah. Really... No, I mean, terrorists are just people. Yeah.

They're just people who... Great people, a lot of the time. Yeah. Really passionate about stuff. Well, that's the thing. Exactly. And if you keep the topic away, the discussion away from politics, which I find helps. I mean, it's never polite to talk about anyway.

Politics or religion. Or religion, yeah, probably. to talk about anyway. Politics or religion. Or religion, yeah, probably. What I find is easy to bond on, bond on, bond in,

bond with, is food. Food. Food, so, you know. What do you like to eat? I usually bring in some of my mum's home-cooked sort of cornbread and, like, maybe a ragu. Make sure, whatever it is,

make sure it's gluten-free because, I mean, the last thing you want is a bloody celiac going off at you. Yeah, and, it is, make sure it's gluten free because, I mean, the last thing you want is a bloody celiac going off at you. Yeah, and, you know,

it would be so embarrassing if he shits himself during the negotiations and, you know. That can set back. Exactly. That can really set things back.

And, you know, if his self-esteem goes down because of that. Yeah. He could just blow up in your face. He's just going to turn,

all his attention is going to focus internally to his own problems and no longer be that interested instead of giving you what you want. Which is what this is all about. We want you to get out of this what you need. Anyway, welcome to ASIO.

Anyway, welcome to ASIO. Anyway, welcome to ASIO. Well, welcome. Welcome. Thanks for coming on down, ASIO. I'd kind of like it if there was a version of the Australian accent that did that, that did the H-W swap there. Yeah? Yeah. Because, I mean, that's such a weird Hula-maloo. Such a weird thing.

Huaga-huaga. So, putting it in places where there's not even a double... An H, sorry. Yeah. Give me an example. Huaga-huaga. No, but that's what we're doing there. Yeah.

But we have to be like, huaga-huaga. Huaga-huaga. But huayla? Huayla? Huichity grub. Hwichitty grub. Warata. Western Australia. Huangarata.

Oh, you're coming down to Huanga, yeah? Coming down to Huang. The Huangara. It's kind of my favourite speech impediment slash accent. Yeah. Oh, you're coming down to Hwang-a, yeah? Coming down to Hwang. The Hwang-a. The Hwang-a. It's kind of my favourite, like, speech impediment slash accent. Yeah. Because, I mean, it's... Where do you draw the line? I mean, it's completely incorrect.

Yeah. Like, you know, in terms of accents and things like that, that... That's objectively wrong. Yeah. Not a lot of accents are just wrong. Well, there's that, and then there's the Irish pronunciation. Like, where some parts of Ireland where they pronounce film.

Film? Yep. Oh, no, wait. For some reason in my mind they were doing Fimla, which that would be wrong. That's objectively wrong. Bad accent. That's objectively wrong. You're listening to Objectively

Wrong with Andy and Alistair. Thanks for tuning in. Here's a couple more things that are objectively wrong. You're listening to Objectively Wrong with Andy and Alistair. Thanks for tuning in. Here's a couple more things that are objectively wrong. When those Americans, you know, you've ever heard Americans, Andy? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, there's a certain accent. You know, you see it in King of the Hill, those guys who pronounce their H's before their W's.

You know, they go, where, where. That's as wrong as socks with sandals, Al. Exactly. What are you, a German tourist, you bloody American? Yeah. Anyway, so that's objectively wrong. Other things are objectively wrong. So, you know how in the parks, you ever go to a park, Andy?

Yeah, you know, the odd park. Yeah, they have those bins where you can put the dog poo. Oh, yep. Yep. Anyway, they don't empty those often enough, and they're always overflowing. That's objectively wrong. Objectively wrong. Anyway.

Yeah. My understanding of the Australian constitutional system for governance of funding to states is objectively wrong. That's your understanding. Yeah, my understanding's wrong. That is my understanding. Yes. Wrong.

That's objectively wrong. Eyes, yo. Objectively wrong. Oh, you fucked it up. All right, we're on four. Yeah. All right, let's just squeeze one out. We got to squeeze.

Are we close to it? Oh, yeah, we're getting close. What is it? When are we on there? 47? 47. Bloody hell, we better squeeze one out. Oh, bloody hell.

We've only got 13 minutes to squeeze one out. This is a bit of a tough time. There haven't been many deposits to the old tank bank for a while. Oh, mate. We should have the negotiating positions there. We put it there. It's a loose sketch. They're not all strong sketch ideas.

No, they're not. They're not. They're not well-structured. They're not well-formed. They're very much larval or embryonic. If this was a time-lapse sonogram of a lady's womb during pregnancy. Which it is. These sketches would still have the gills,

the vestigial gills from back when we used to be fish. Do we have gills when we're in there? We have vestigial gills. Do we have, like, feathers as well? Yep. Feathers, gills, a beak. Wait, so does that... We've got a little cave.

Yeah. Oh, that's great. A little rock cave. And a fire. Yeah've got a little cave. Yeah. Oh, that's great. A little rock cave. And a fire. Yeah, and a woolly mammoth. And sort of ancient drawings. Yep. Markings.

Yep. We've got the first version of Back to the Future. Got like a VHS of that. Oh, yeah. If you track the womb trajectory. Sort of early maths. of that. Oh, yeah. If you track the womb trajectory. Sort of early maths. Early maths. And understanding that the sun goes around the earth.

Yep. Yep. And? And we've got outdated views to women in the womb. Oh, that's... And then we've just got dated views to women. And then we've got views on women dating. And then we've got dated dated views to women. And then we've got views on women dating. And then we've got dated views for women.

Which are just little windows. We don't know where they came from. No, but you can look in and... Maybe it's an online dating thing. Just windows, pop-up windows. No, women can look in. They're the views. There are places where women can look in. They're the views.

They're places where women can look from to watch dating and see how it's done. You know how housing estates are always called, like, you know, Mountain View or, you know, Sunny Vista? Yeah. Okay. My, when I have a housing estate... Bradley Bungalows No, you're confusing the issue When I have Alistair You're confusing the issue You're listening to Confusing the Issue

With Andy and Alistair Anyway, so My understanding of the way that money gets to the states from the federal government is they put it in an envelope and they send it to Japan. Yeah, by plane. By plane. By plane or possibly a triplane.

By biplane. By biplane. By planes. That's what they say to the plane. When they're buying the planes. When they buy the plane. They say, buy plane. And then when the plane is flying away, they say, bye-bye plane.

Anyway, that's my understanding of the Federalist. You're listening to Confusing the Issue with Andy and Alistair. We hope we've confused a couple of issues for you today. You're writing down confusing the issue. Yeah. We just squeezed one out. That's confusing the issue.

My understanding of... You know what you're doing right now, Alistair? Yeah. You're confusing the issue. My understanding of... You know what you're doing right now, Alistair? Yeah. You're confusing the issue. Well done, mate. Keep it up. That's my understanding of the boat people situation. Yes.

Now, these people... Boat people. Yes, have been born and grown in boats. Right. They've got no understanding of land, which is why we can't... We have to take them to a tiny island. Tiny island.

Introduce them. Too much land could shock them. Could shock their system. You've absolutely got to introduce them to a small amount of land. They would shake. They would shake. You start by just showing a little bit of sand. Yes.

Just in your hand. Just bring some sand. Just get your golf whittling on. Just let the sand pass through your fingers. You cannot show them an amount of sand that just could sit in your hand. That would make them go blind. What you do is from around the corner, you just have some sand in your hand and you just blow it. Blow the dust. Allow the air currents to take it across their asylum-seeking faces.

Get used to being hit by solids. It's going to be happening a lot on land. Absolutely. Their body, previously only struck by liquids and bits of boats. Bits of boats, which? Are basically liquids. That's my understanding. That's my understanding of boats.

I hope I'm not confusing the issue of boats, because that's next week. Anyway. We'll be doing boats. We'll be understanding. Floatation. Not floating Asians. That's the week after. That's the week.

Okay. Now, the reason why I think they float. I'm confusing the whole confusing the issue running order at the moment. Which is why I'm so good at this. Yes. Anyway, that's confusing the issue for this week. We'll be back last week with more from next week's show. Thanks for tuning out.

I'm Alistair and he's Andy. And we have been confusing the issue. The tissue. No! We've been using a tissue. Welcome back to Using a Tissue with Andy and Alistair. Oh, good lord. Thanks for tuning in.

We'll be back next week with more mucus. This has been Using a Tissue with Candy and Bal. Candy and Bal. If we were girls, the girl versions of us would be Candy and Cal. Oh. Are girls just guys with a C on the front. Yes. That's what I think on confusing the issue.

We're talking about women. Right. Now sometimes, you know the small part of a notion? What's that called? A C. Right, you put one in front of a lady, and that's how you get a man. I believe it was God who once said,

women, they're different from men in my imagination. And they're going to continue to be so in reality. Now, in one version of Genesis, God takes a rib from... Hang on, is this the incorrect version of Genesis or the correct version of Genesis? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not a historian. Absolutely not.

Okay. I've said this about you before. You're not a historian. Oh, yeah, but there you're confusing the issue. I'm not a historian. Absolutely not. Okay. I've said this about you before. You're not a historian. Yeah, but there you're confusing the issue. I am. Sorry. I mean, I refuse to apologize. Shut up.

In one version of Genesis, God takes a rib from Adam and he creates Eve. Yes. In another version of Genesis, he takes Eve. This could be the incorrect version. We don't know. He takes Eve and he brings a small ocean to the front of her. And then he forms Adam out of that water and female matter. Yes.

Do you think... That's why men are so much bigger than women. It's mostly seawater. Women... They say that man is 97%'s mostly seawater. Women, they say that man is 97% water. Seawater? But,

but woman, has anyone ever heard what percentage water women are? I think it could be thousands and thousands. I mean, you could safely put a boat person on one and they wouldn't be shocked. No, it's a man 90%, a woman 2 or 3%. Is that all? Yes, it's a man 90%, a woman 2 or 3%. Is that all?

Yes, it's when you have to add an ocean to a woman to make a man. That's what I'm saying. It's a sea.

It's a sea woman. That's what a man is. Have you seen Waterworld? Kevin Bacon. Why aren't there any women

in the Navy? Okay? Because a sea woman is just Waterworld with Kevin Bacon. Why aren't there any women in the Navy? Okay. Because a sea woman is just a man. A woman at sea is just what a man is. Everyone's complaining

about why there aren't any women in the Navy. But that's the thing. They put the women into the Navy. You put a woman out to sea what does she become?

Alistair? A man. A man. A man. Alright, the penis is just a periscope of the body. They say you can

take the woman out of the sea, but you can't take the sea out of the man. And him stay a man. He'd just be a big old pile of dust.

Be a woman. Down one rib and probably very dry. I have a a woman. Down one rib and probably very dry. I have a feeling this got really silly. Yeah? Oh well,

that's confusing the issue. That is confusing. I think we can get one more. Confusing the issue radio program is one of the best things I've ever heard. That's really fun.

Now look. It's like this. Okay. My understanding of... Now, I could be wrong, okay? But that doesn't change the facts. And the facts are... Dogs don't exist in this dimension.

Now, if they want less drink drivers on the roads, why don't they just... Have less roads. Less roads. Okay. More roads, more driving, more drink drivers. It's maths. Yes.

And geometry. And? French. And? And art history. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

That's confusing the issue. We're talking about women. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. That's confusing the issue. We're talking about women. Yes. Do you think we should just end there? Or do you think we should try to come up with one last idea? One last. I think there's still a bit of room in the old tank bank, Alistair. Yeah, I think the tank bank's a bit loosely packed tonight.

I think if we stomp on it. Yeah. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Get the old tank bank, Alistair. Yeah, I think the tank bank's a bit loosely packed tonight. I think if we stomp on it. Yeah. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Get the old hoof in there. Yeah, we could... Just hoof it down. We could crush a few of those flimsy ideas.

Yeah? Yeah. Structurally speaking, you reckon there's a bit of give? I think there's a bit of give, Andy. In the contents of the tank bank, Alistair. I think the tank bank is actually... It's like one of those compactor bins that you would put a sort of cardboard in it outside of a supermarket. And our ideas are just cardboard boxes.

In a way, the TARDIS is like the opposite of a compactor bin. What's a TARDIS? Oh, Doctor Who. Is that the... You go inside and it gets really big. Oh. Oh. Yeah. You know, what else you get inside and then it gets really big?

No. Sort of a glove? A glove. I once put my hand into a glove and a moth had made its nest in there. And I squished a whole lot of little maggoty moth eggs and stuff. Gross. I bet you that stuck with you. It really did. Now I'm very cautious about putting my hands... Do you always

hammer a glove? I hammer a glove. You'll see me hammering a glove. That's going to be the name of my porno. Yeah? Hammering a glove. It's just me hammering a glove. Hammering a glove. It's just me fucking a gardening glove. You know, how come there's not

enough pornos that are based on a guy who's really pathetic? I can't think of a reason. There should be more things like that where people just it's really shameful for that guy. Pity porn. Yeah, like you also get of feel better about yourself.

Yeah. Because you know... Just a guy just cannot get an erection for like an hour. And he's got bits of meat and stuff like that. What? What? What? That's not...

Yeah, like he's all alone. Oh, wow. He's all alone. Oh, wow. He's all alone. He can't even... Like, he wants to just, like... He's just going to be, like, a filthy, like, person. And he just wanted to fuck some meat. Yeah, he wanted to fuck some meat.

And he couldn't even do that. And he couldn't even get an erection. Look at this guy. He's so pathetic, he can't even fuck some meat. He can't even fuck a bit of meat. This loser can't even get an erection for a slice of ham. I was imagining more like a liver or a chicken breast, but I don't know if salmonella can be got through the pee hole.

The pee hole. So then that's not a good idea. You probably have to cook the chicken first. Anyway. Right in. Right in. Text in. Do you got to cook a chicken before you fuck it

can you get salmonella through your pee hole I'll be like you know it would be easier for for a rich man rich person

to get into heaven than for a camel to get salmonella through its pee hole of a needle I like that you knew exactly where I was going

as soon as I said it would be easier. I think I would have said it would be easier for a rich man to get salmonella through his peephole than for a camel to get into heaven. If God was just like that mean that he just put it in the Bible that he's like,

and by the way, camels are never going to make it into heaven. He just hated some, some animals, um, the camels and camels are pretty moody. They are like, if you have two camels,

they know they're not going to get into heaven. Probably why they spit on people. Yeah. But like, apparently you have to think camels are just junkies? Yeah, they're just... Camels are born junkies. Like are born sort of craven effects.

They call them the ships of the desert, but really the junkies of the desert would be, well, probably less correct. But really. Probably less correct, really probably less correct but this is confusing the issue oh dear this is going to ruin us from now on

because anything that we say we can just get to the end and then go anyway you're listening to confusing the issue and we're talking about taps like oh has anyone ever done this tap dancing

yes actually Spike Milligan did that really Like Oh has anyone ever done this? Tap dancing Yes actually Spike Milligan did that Really? Well he did He did tap He had tap shoes And he had taps

On his shoes And he was tap dancing I can't believe I came up With the same idea As Spike Milligan Yeah I mean this is a good moment Only 50 or so years later

I know but that's fine right? It's like Is it? It's like coming up with Pythagoras' theorem Like just off the top of your head. Yeah, which I did. Mathematicians should say that they came up with something off the top of their dome. I think Buckminster Fuller could have said that, am I right?

Maybe. Why was he wearing... He was the one who came up with the geodesic dome. Oh my God. That was way cleverer than anyone would have got, Andy. Right off the top of his dome. Andy. Andy.

That joke was good. Do you think he felt a little bit Buckminster Fuller himself? Andy, you... Oh my God, Andy. No, Andy, you have to now emcee a mathematics event. I'm doing... I've got two maths jokes. I can do that one. Yeah. I'm doing... I've got two maths jokes. I can do that one.

Yeah. I can... And my other one is... It's not really a joke, but I just want to say here's looking at Euclid. Yeah. Here's looking at Euclid.

Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. But I am... I'm doing a bit at a science conference. I've got a gig at a science conference. When?

In like July or something. What's this? Is that from that thing? No, no. Ange got it for me. Ange Marie Claire? Yeah. Oh. What's the gig? It's a science conference of some description. Yeah, I think just at Melbourne Uni, but they're also going to do

one out in Ballarat. It's for Science Week. And I might get to go to Ballarat as well. You never know. Ballarat? That'd be really cool. Look at you. Yeah, anyway, so I'll do my... He's looking at Euclid and my Buckminster Fuller coming up with ideas straight off the top of his dome. Jokes. Wow.

And I'm going to bring the house down with me. Probably take the caravan. Oh. You're just on fire. I don't think I... I'm just burning up. I don't think I... I'm just burning up. I don't think my ideas are as well-formed jokes as yours. I mean, the last five to ten minutes of this podcast is just going to be me fawning over you.

That's fine. Yeah? Yeah. Spawning. And spawning. And spawning over you, which sounds like spoofing, doesn't it? It kind of feels like spoofing, doesn't it? Like, it kind of feels like spoofing. No, it is, because, like, when animals spawn, they just release their spoof.

Really? Yeah, into the ocean. Like, when fish spawn, they swim upstream to spawn. Oh. So spawn's just, like, I'd never really heard of a nice word for jizzing. But spawn is quite nice. And then I just... Spawn nice. And then I just... Spawned.

And then I spawned. Bit of spawnography. Yeah. The spawn shot. It sort of sounds quite beautiful. One day I hope to swim upstream to spawn. Return to the river where I was born and swim upstream.

Imagine if you had a water birth in a bathtub or something like that and just returning to the bathtub that you were born in to sprog. You wriggle your way up the stairs to the bathroom, over the side of the bathroom and just jerk off. You're already moist when you're way up there. But then just as you're about to get over the lip of the bath, you get caught by a bear. But this is what I imagine as well. Okay, so let's say you go to the house.

You weren't even listening when I said that caught by a bear. Oh, you get caught by a bear? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I missed that. You should have reacted. I'm sorry. I just didn't hear it.

That's all right. So this is what I imagine. Okay, it goes like this. It goes... Mm-hmm. Hi. You don't know me, but... I used to live here.

Live here. And... I was actually brought up in this house. Yeah, I was brought up... Actually, I was actually born... Hang on. Sorry, I'll be the people in the house. Okay.

Instead of being me. Yeah. As well. Instead of us both trying to be the same character. Yeah, okay. Let me start again. Okay. Instead of being me. Yeah. Instead of us both trying to be the same character. Yeah. Okay. Let me start again.

Okay. Can I also start again? Um, you go from where we were at. Okay. Hello? No, wait. Sorry.

Don't go yet, though. Okay. You're on pause. Okay. Go. You've been here for five minutes already. Okay, let's both start again. Okay.

Hello, who is it? Hi. You don't know me, but I used to live here. Oh. Yeah, hi. I'm Al live here. Oh. Yeah. Hi. I'm Alistair. Tamantha.

Oh, hi, Tamantha. It's a beautiful name. It's not. Where's that from? The name? Yeah. Oh, I found it in a book. Oh, my God.

You named yourself? How old were you when you found it? Oh, I was really young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My parents didn't want to, you know, tell me my name. They said, you have to discover it for yourself. What did they call you? What did they call me?

Yeah. Just Spawn. Spawn. Yeah. Well, it's funny that you should mention Spawn, actually. Yeah? What is it? Because I was actually born in this house.

Oh, my God. 29 years house. Oh, my God. 29 years ago. Oh, my God. Yeah. Aaron. Aaron, come on. There's a boy here who says he was born in our house. Yeah.

Hi. Hi. Aaron's my brother-in-law. Hi, Aaron. Aaron, is your husband here? Husband? Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't understand.

You're not married? Married? Oh God, no. No, no, no, I'm a priest. I'm a Catholic priest. Is that your... Is Samantha a man's name? No, no, but I was very young when I chose it, and it probably wasn't the best choice. It definitely made it difficult to get ahead in the priesthood. Okay.

It held me back. Anyway. I could be Pope by now. Is that so? You can't have a Pope Tamantha. Is that your... Oh, you get to choose another name. Yeah, but I'd probably just make the same mistake again.

Oh, that's right, because you get to choose. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. But at least you'd be the first Pope to man with her. I would. That is something to consider. Anyway, I don't know why I feel like I need to tie up this loose end.

So is that your sister's husband then? Yeah, but she died. Oh, okay. So you guys just live together now? No, no. He just drops around. He's she died. Oh, okay. So you guys just live together now? No, no. He just drops around. He's very kind. Okay, great.

Anyway, so I used to... I grew up here, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I went back and saw the place where I was born. I was born in the bathtub.

Born in the bathtub? You know, we still have that bathtub. Oh, my God. Is that the original bathtub? Well, that's actually perfect. It's cast iron. They say it can't be moved we tried yeah well it's good because or else i'd have to go down to the dump and do something weird um something weird you know going down to the dump is such a strange thing to do uh anyway i was wondering if you mind if i go upstairs and uh just had a moment to myself in the bathroom there.

Oh, this is adorable. This is really cute. Okay. Aaron, we're just going to go upstairs. No, it won't be long. Okay. We're just going to do something weird, apparently. I'm just going to meet you upstairs because I'm just going to lay down here.

Okay. Oh, okay. Okay. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just... Oh lay down here. Okay. Oh, okay. Okay. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just... Oh, you're all sticky. No, I'm just trying to hop my way up to these stairs. It would be easier if you just walked.

Do you want a hand? I'm just trying to flip-flop my way up there. Oh, I'm sorry. We built a dam halfway up these stairs. Do you think you're going to be able to get over it? I'm quite good at launching myself. I've flip-flopped my way all the way up here. Oh, my God, what a jump.

That's a remarkable jump. You're so agile. You're jumping like a salmon. Yes, I'm just on my way back to the tub where I was born. Anyway, here's the bath. To spawn. To what? Oh, God. Oh, Aaron. Oh,. To spawn. Okay. To what? Oh, God.

Oh, oh, Aaron. Oh, Aaron, Aaron. Oh, oh, he's doing something weird. Oh, there's a bear. There's a bear in the bathroom. Oh, God. Oh, it's tearing him apart. Oh, it's eating his body.

Oh, God. Oh. Oh. his body. It's fine, Aaron. It's sorted itself out. Okay. Is this your bear? Is that why you never let me in here? Actually, it is my bear.

Oh. I never told you, I'm a circus performer You know when I said I didn't want you to come into the bathroom because you would see my bear buttocks? Well, also I didn't want you to see the rest of the bear that I also have in there It's not just buttocks But luckily, now you know, and there was another situation that was traumatic enough to take away the tension of the fact that I've been hiding this bear from you. It's so hard to know how to reveal the bear that you have in the bathroom to your sister.

Brother-in-law. Called Samantha, who was hoping to become Pope one day. Anyway. Pope one day. That is a good name. I'll suggest that to her. Pope one day.

Pope one day. One day. Yes. She'll like that. She's not very good with names. Wait. Who am I talking to? I'm the bear.

Anyway. She seemed to take that pretty well. All right, well... You know, when I brought in my... When I first moved in here, and I brought my toiletries bag, and Samantha said, Oh, you don't have much in that little bag. And I said,

Oh, you know, just the bare necessities. And I winked at her. That wink was quite a loaded wink. A loaded wink from Aaron. Aaron's loaded wink. And that was the subtext of Aaron's loaded wink. You're listening to Aaron's loaded wink. And this is confusing the issue.

Anyway, so I think we can just wrap this up now. Yeah. I think let's... We got going home to spawn. That's our last one, of course. So today's episode, was this 13? Yeah, this is episode 13. So we got SUVs aren't the only country things that seem ill-fitting in the city. Ill-fitting in the city.

But are booming. Big dead bush pigs. So close we told each other which of our cousins we were attracted to. So close we told each other which of our cousins we were attracted to. Instead of buying you guys a present for Christmas, I wrote you all a story. It's erotic peer fiction. Negotiation positions, in brackets, the Kama Sutra of Negotiation. Yeah, yeah.

Five, confusing the issue radio program. And going home to spawn, which was elaborated on quite thoroughly. Quite thoroughly. A lot of interesting details. Yeah, and a man got eaten by a bear in the end. So I think that's a pretty good... I think that's probably how that sketch would have to end. I think absolutely, yeah. Abso-lutely.

Abso, abso, abso, absolutely. Absolutely. Azio, Azio, where do you go when you got to go? Azio. See you later, guys. Bye.