Two In The Think Tank - "LOST EPISODE" 14 - "Guy Who Likes Art"

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

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Starting point is 00:00:19 Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Well, I didn't know. I thought that warning thing meant something.
Starting point is 00:00:37 It's recording. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows. And then he went to the shops where, yep. Hi, guys. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank. Oh, my God. What a day this is today.
Starting point is 00:01:02 What a pleasure to have you on board. Alistair, thanks for joining me. Hey Andy, thank you for letting me join you. Well, it's good to be joined. Well, it's nice to be joined. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's... No, no, you go.
Starting point is 00:01:15 Okay, well I thought that's kind of the whole purpose of existence. More or less the entire dolphin. Yeah, is to get paired up so you don't be alone. People are afraid of being alone. You know, the ancient Greeks. Yeah, tell me about the ancient Greeks, Andy. You know, Aristotle thought that humanity, we all started off as these sorts of... His explanation for romance and soulmates and all that sort of stuff, right,
Starting point is 00:01:42 was the idea that we all started off as creatures which were made up physically of like, in some sort of abstract form of time, all our souls were part of these like four-armed, four-legged creatures that were sort of joined, like the beast with two backs, right? And then somehow these got split up and our whole lives are spent sort of missing that other half. And we spent, you know, that's why we, I think that was Aristotle.
Starting point is 00:02:07 It was one of those Greeks. It was definitely a Greek. I've definitely heard that. It was certainly a Gretchen. I don't know what Gretchen means. Well, Greek-ish. Oh, is it? I don't know, Al.
Starting point is 00:02:19 Andy. Sorry. Hey, this is the podcast where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Just trying to lay some ground rules. People might have just tuned in. I know. People, this is the podcast where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. Just trying to lay some ground rules. People might have just tuned in. I know. People, they're listening. They're going, what is happening?
Starting point is 00:02:30 That's true. They might have just flipped over. They're flipping up and down the iTunes or the RSS feeds. Yep. You know? Just clicking through. And then they come on to this guy. They hear the word Gretchen, and then they got no explanation for it.
Starting point is 00:02:44 They're out in the dark. And they go, am I going to stay? What the hell is this? And then we go, to this guy. They hear the word Gretchen. And then they got no explanation for it. They're out in the dark. And they go, am I going to stay? What the hell is this? And then we go, it's a podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. And they go, boom. Okay, I'm on board. It's all clicked into place. Gretchen, I'm with you.
Starting point is 00:02:54 Let's go. What's the sketch idea? Okay. There's a girl called Gretchen. Yeah. Okay. She's from? Greece.
Starting point is 00:03:01 Greece. Gotcha. Yeah. Right. She loves the movie? Greece. Oh, yep. No, comecha. Yeah. Right? She loves the movie. Greece. Oh, yep. Now, come on.
Starting point is 00:03:07 Okay. Sorry. Her favorite type of food, dolmades. Ah, good. Here we go. Okay. So. She goes to the shops.
Starting point is 00:03:16 Yep. Okay? There's a burglary in progress. Yep. What does she do? Okay. She opens up her toga. And... Okay. She opens up her toga. And then she shows her belly button, which is pierced with a...
Starting point is 00:03:32 Piercing. Okay, great. Okay. And it's got a little pendant on it, which has got one of those little protractors on it. And she writes a perfect circle around her belly button. And then she walks out and then there's the words art come up on the screen. Done.
Starting point is 00:03:48 I like that. Yeah. I like art. Yeah. I like some art. You know what I like? Yeah. Art.
Starting point is 00:03:55 Yeah? I don't know much about art, but I know what I like. And I like art. Art. But it could be from my lack of knowledge about it. If I learn more about art, I might realize I don't like art. I love this idea of a guy who just loves art. Yeah. He's just got no taste at all. And he walks into things and he goes, is this art? Yes. And somebody goes, yes. He goes, I like it. Good. Yeah. Is this art? No.
Starting point is 00:04:27 I don't know how I feel about this. I'm going to go look at some art. I'm getting depressed. I'm getting quite depressed. Okay, sketch number one. That's a real come down. Man who likes art. Does he own an art gallery?
Starting point is 00:04:41 And has he just got all this art just completely all over the place? He's just like, ah, look at it. Okay, it's sort of like the TV show, what's that? Antiques Roadshow. Yep. Where people come up and you just see it. And he's in his art gallery and people come up and they bring him something and he goes, Oh!
Starting point is 00:05:01 Is this art? Is this art? And you go, yes. And he goes, I like it. I'm going to, I'm going to buy this. Can I buy it?
Starting point is 00:05:12 And they say, sure. And he says, name your price. And let me tell you, I really, really want it. Before you,
Starting point is 00:05:23 before you say anything, I don't know much about art. Okay? And I love this. And it is art, right? Yes, yes, yes. Well then. Okay. Name your price. I'll tell you
Starting point is 00:05:40 what. Here's a blank check. Okay? You just write on that. You just fill in the numbers just fill in the blanks on the check oh how much that how much are you writing down oh a thousand oh yeah that's okay oh that's good i have that much because the last guy wrote down a really big number. And I didn't have that much money. It's just he wasn't really thinking. I'm not running a very successful business here. I really rely a lot on the customer.
Starting point is 00:06:14 Are you a customer? No, I'm the customer. I rely a lot on the kindness of strangers. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. But how good's Art? Anyway. Anyway, see you later. Thanks for this.
Starting point is 00:06:29 I don't know if he's a... I think he should be quite a high brown guy. I think he should be, like, maybe quite posh. And he's like, Mmm. I don't know how to do posh, but, you know. Mmm. Mmm.
Starting point is 00:06:39 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. What is this? Art? Fantastic. I'll buy it. Name a number. Pick a number. I'll buy it. Name a number.
Starting point is 00:06:46 Pick a number and I'll pay for it. $14. Fantastic. Great. Double it. Why not? I love art. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:06:56 We're going to have to leave it up to the people to decide whether he's high class or low class. It's going out to a vote. We're doing a new kind of Australian Idol thing. It's called Australian Sketch. Yeah. And going out to a vote. We're doing a new kind of Australian Idol thing. It's called Australian Sketch. Yeah. And just send us a tweet. Let us know whether you think you should be high class. Low class.
Starting point is 00:07:13 Or low class. Or. Lower class. Or low class. Or maybe you don't think it's important. Oh. Okay. Yeah, I'd like to hear more from the people who don't care.
Starting point is 00:07:23 Yeah. Actually, only let us know if you don't care. We'll just get a wave of indifference. Yeah. Oh, the switchboard is lighting up and people really don't care about this issue at all. It's overwhelming, the response that we've had. The number of people who are underwhelmed by this is just overwhelming. They're just coming out in droves.
Starting point is 00:07:44 Yes. The number of people who are underwhelmed by this is just overwhelming. They're just coming out in droves. Yes. The silent majority has really got on their soapbox this afternoon. They've really got themselves heard. Yes. Just as well they don't have an opinion.
Starting point is 00:08:02 Oh, there was something I was going to do that was something like that. Oh. Oh. Oh. But that. Oh. Oh. Oh. But that's funny. People who don't have an opinion texting in, tell us how little you care about this issue. Tell us if you don't care. I don't care.
Starting point is 00:08:18 Okay. So how would we turn that into a sketch? It's a call-in show. It's a call-in show. Yeah. Whoa. And the head of the ABC, this is an ABC call-in show, and the head of the ABC has just come down and said, look, we've just had the lawyers looking at the charter,
Starting point is 00:08:36 and you know how we're supposed to represent both sides of the issue? You know, the people on the left, the people on the right. According to a closer inspection of the actual wording of the Act, we also have to represent the views of people who just don't care to achieve proper balance. And given that we haven't been representing their views for over, you know, the 60 years that the ABC has been broadcasting, we now basically have to do a blitz.
Starting point is 00:09:04 And from now on, for the next 60 years, we're only going to be taking calls from people who don't care. Do you think that's enough exposition? Do you think the guy could come down and just say that? Do a little spiel? I think so. A little five minutes? Or maybe he could just be like,
Starting point is 00:09:19 anyway, so give us a call if you don't care about this issue. Oh, Alistair. And then people come up and they go, hi, Gary. Yeah. Tell you what, I'm really angry. He's like, oh, that's starting to sound like an opinion there, fella. No, no, I'm angry about something else. I tell you what, this issue, though.
Starting point is 00:09:35 Oh, I couldn't give two hoots. You know, what I'm angry about is how much people care about it. It bothers me. It bothers me. I'm at the end of my tether. And I've got a pretty long tether, let me tell you, Gary. And I'm at both ends of my tether. Both ends.
Starting point is 00:09:51 And in the middle. The beginning and the end. But mostly... I'm tangled in my tether. I've got tether tangle. Anyway, thanks for letting me call. Love the radio show. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:05 You're listening to the middle of the road with Andy Matthews, people who don't care about issues that are important to Australia. Up next, the asylum seekers. You know, a lot of people feel very strongly about this issue, but we're not going to be hearing from them today. Today, it's just the people who couldn't give two hoots. So if you don't really have an opinion, you don't know anything about the issue, maybe
Starting point is 00:10:25 you do know something about the issue and you still don't care, please just give us a call. Whatever you don't feel about the issue, just let it out. Hello? Hello. Thanks for calling the program. Yes. So we're talking about asylum seekers, obviously a very touchy subject.
Starting point is 00:10:42 Oh, what's that? Oh, asylum seekers, people who come to Australia. Oh, it doesn that? Oh, asylumseekers, people who come to Australia. Oh, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter? Yeah. I'll tell you what. Thanks for calling in. Love the show, Gary.
Starting point is 00:10:53 Andy. Andy, it's Andy. Sorry, mate. No worries, mate. Thanks for calling up. Oh, by the way. Oh, hello. Are you still there?
Starting point is 00:11:01 Yes. Oh, great. Look, our next issue is going to be deregulation. Oh, don't even tell me. Okay. I don't want to know. I'll tell you what. It's great to have you on the show.
Starting point is 00:11:11 It's great to have you as a listener. Sorry, I wasn't listening. Anyway, I'm just going to stay on the lawn for a little while longer. Look, honestly, it doesn't matter. I could talk to you alone for the next half an hour and it would still be the same diversity of opinion. It's probably going to be a bit of if you sing, if you're going to
Starting point is 00:11:31 Okay. I'll tell you what, a lot of people would find this annoying, but I don't care. I'm just going to push on. Asylum Seekers. So, interesting news on Asylum Seekers. Barnaby Joyce, obviously a very outspoken gentleman, has come out
Starting point is 00:11:47 in the Herald Sun and said that he himself doesn't care about Asylum Seekers. So it's good to see not caring about Asylum Seekers, not giving a toss about the issue. Even makes it to the, is being represented at the highest levels of Australian politics.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Also the media, a number of articles, op-ed pieces. No, stop it, I'm on the phone. Okay, just a little bit of hush over there. Sorry? Oh, what are you talking about? I've got to go. I think that was pretty good, our ability to maintain two completely separate... Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:21 I don't know what it's like for the listeners. It's great how good we are at ignoring each other yeah it's funny how we yeah how that we can do impro according to our own rules of you know they're not responding to the other side the trick about our our type of improvisation is okay now a lot of people say it's all about listening and it is it is but don't listen right it's it's all about listening and but more important than that it's say it's all about listening, and it is. It is. But don't listen, right? It's all about listening, but more important than that, it's all about not hearing. Okay. It's all about blocking other people out from what they're saying and things like that. Now, remember, in regular life, you would shut people out.
Starting point is 00:13:03 You don't want to make any kind of emotional contact. And that's what the whole philosophy behind our improv class is. People talk about improv and how, like, I think you've said this to me, because everything is improv. Like our lives, everything is improv. What you're saying right now? What I'm saying right now. You're not going to believe this, guys, but none of this is written down.
Starting point is 00:13:25 Yeah. That last sketch. Can you believe it? And it sounded... Scripted. Scripted. Yes. Because we were saying things.
Starting point is 00:13:33 Yeah. Yeah. We were talking, using words. Yeah. Some of them forming sentences. And a lot of people hear that and they assume, oh. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:42 But they've been working on this. Life is an improvised sketch Yeah And where was I going with this? What I wanted to say was Yes But I would prefer it if life was scripted You think so?
Starting point is 00:13:55 You know, if I could write everything in advance Really? For all my conversations But you would never get the work done I know So you would just end up not participating I probably have one conversation a year. We would participate even less in life than we do now.
Starting point is 00:14:10 That's true. And we participate pretty little. When's the last time you had an experience? Me? Yeah. Oh, God. Andy, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Starting point is 00:14:23 Look. Gee. Andy, I wasn't even entirely serious. Can't, um... Andy. Andy. Oh, on the weekend. Oh. Yeah, I went for a walk.
Starting point is 00:14:39 Oh. Would you consider that an experience? Would you tell your grandkids about that? Would you ever recount that tale? Yeah. No, you wouldn't. Went up. Well, you're doing it right now.
Starting point is 00:14:51 The mountain, and then down next to the lake, and then around the lake, and then back. Oh, actually, that is an experience. I didn't know there was altitude involved. Oh, there's altitude. I thought you were just staying at the same sea level. It's all about altitude. Yeah. Well, yeah, if you're up and down in altitude, that's a story.
Starting point is 00:15:06 Oh, you know, in my life, I've had my ups and downs, literally, not emotions. Mostly mountains, hills, ladders. Yep. Elevators, forest scopes. Forest. I climbed a tree one time. Sometimes just a bit Bending over Or crouching
Starting point is 00:15:27 Crouching Kneeling High dive Tippy toes Tippy heels Diving boards And It's all about the ups and downs
Starting point is 00:15:42 And scuba diving You've got to take the ups and the downs scuba diving It's all You gotta take the The ups and the downs At the end of the day You know you got Yeah It's ups and downs And
Starting point is 00:15:51 And did you mention downs? Oh I think I might have forgotten Yeah Downs Because it's not all I can't know Mate
Starting point is 00:16:01 Cool So ups and downs So yeah Life is about ups and downs Absolutely Yeah Well life is about Ups and downs So it's a rollercoaster ride What if somebody Made a roller
Starting point is 00:16:14 A theme park Called life Right Yeah Okay Here we go Okay Maybe even life world
Starting point is 00:16:21 No Just life Okay Wait Life world Okay. Wait. Life World? Okay. Wet and Life.
Starting point is 00:16:32 Movie Life. Yep. Wet and Mild. Yep. Oh, Jamboree Recreation Life. Magic Lifeton. Yeah. Bonarong.
Starting point is 00:16:51 Bonarong. Bonarong Wildlife Park. Oh, good. Okay. And so then what happens when they get in there? You go into life and you stand in a queue for a long time. And then when you get through the queue, there's a ride, which is a queue. And then you get to the end of that one and there's a bank teller. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:11 Yeah. And you sign up for a new card with the PayPass feature. Yeah. And they tell you about it. But I think, I guess you'd just use tokens. Because you wouldn't be able to. Yeah. You know what?
Starting point is 00:17:25 This is just as an aside. Here's the thing I thought about today. You know how there's people who can't use their ATM cards? They can't use their credit cards and they can't use their ATM cards. They don't know how. They don't know how. They're not competent. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:38 But that's money. Can you imagine a person who's 20 years ago who just didn't know how to use money? Just like, oh, I don't quite know how this works. So I'm just going to put it on the table and then I don't know what happens next. Just swipe it over to me and I'll put it in the tail and I'll give you the change. Wait, wait. Okay. Okay, wait. Okay. Okay, so how are you going to change?
Starting point is 00:18:09 I'm going to give you smaller pieces of money. Oh, okay. So just cut it up. Yeah. No, no. It's just, you really should know how to use money. I just, I'm not good with concepts. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:26 Oh. Yeah. Okay. It's just a bit challenging. I like the idea of someone who can't use money. Yeah. I think there could be a sketch in it. Yeah, we've got to find a way of using this guy.
Starting point is 00:18:38 Right. Right. Okay, so let's say he goes into a store, and then he picks up a thing and he goes, Can I have this? Yeah. Okay, and then he goes, Yeah, you can buy that.
Starting point is 00:18:52 And he goes, Great, thank you. And then he starts walking out, and he goes, Wait. You've got to pay for that. Oh. Okay, so how do I do that? Just with money. Do you have money? I don't know do I do that? Just with money
Starting point is 00:19:05 Do you have money? I don't know What is that? Well, that costs $12 Okay Where would I find money? Well, it You probably get paid from your work
Starting point is 00:19:19 You probably just have some money in your wallet or In my wallet? Okay, well, let me have a look Alright, so is any of this stuff money uh yeah there's there's there's color you don't know how money works oh just you know my my friend normally does it for me so what do i do okay well you just got to give me $12. Okay.
Starting point is 00:19:48 What's that? I don't know. I don't know what these things are. What is this? Is this... I don't think he'd know how to take it out of his wallet. Yeah, I don't... Can you...
Starting point is 00:19:56 I can't get it out. Can you get it out? Yeah, I don't know how to... What does this thing do? Okay, you just reach into the slot there. What, this one here? Yep, yep. No, no, no, no, no. That's the inside the? Okay, you just reach into the slot there. With this one here? Yep. No, no, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:20:07 That's the inside the lid. Okay. My fingers are caught. Okay, I'll take the money out of it. I need one of these. And now I need a coin. I need a $2 coin. Can't you just take more of these?
Starting point is 00:20:29 I don't know. Where would I get that? It would be in the little pocket there inside there. Oh, look at all that stuff in there. Because if you didn't know about it, you'd just think it's useless. Just little fragments of... You'd just think it'd come. Just little fragments of... You just think it'd come out of a watch or fell off a train or something.
Starting point is 00:20:48 It looks like it's all broken. It's all in little pieces. Is this of any value? Does all this work? But it's just little pieces of metal. How is that worth anything? What are you going to do? Are you going to melt those down and use those to make a cup or something?
Starting point is 00:21:07 Is that how that works? What do you do with the paper? Do you smoke it? Oh, okay. Look, if this is worthwhile to you, that's great. This will get me this clock. Ha ha, sucker. Okay, great.
Starting point is 00:21:17 Thanks a lot. Wait, can I get a receipt? I think he's a guy. Maybe he thinks that he's conning people by paying money. He's like, I just went in there and I just gave him a couple of bits of paper and these coins and he just gave me the clock. Yeah, I mean, that could be an after story. Yeah. Can you believe it?
Starting point is 00:21:51 So I went to, I was working the other day and at work my boss comes up to me, gives me these bits of paper and these coins with like pictures on them and stuff, just like as a souvenir or whatever. But then I went into this shop and this guy just, I somehow tricked him into taking them and giving me a clock. That's amazing. Yeah. You live such an amazing life. This is a whole family, because you know how whole families don't know things? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:16 It's like, why are you guys all... Where did you guys come from? You're like that family in Mongolia that didn't know how to walk on two legs. You're still like... Guys, kids, kids, you've got to come in here. I didn't know how to walk on two legs. You're still like... But they just don't... Guys, kids, kids, you've got to come in here. You've got to hear this story, okay? You met this guy.
Starting point is 00:22:32 You give him, what was it, like bits of paper and little metal discs, right? Is that right? Am I telling it right? And then he just gave you a clock. Just gave you... Everyone, look at the clock. Look at the clock he got. It's like he's got like national geographics are in there and they're just like filming these people
Starting point is 00:22:50 they're all really hard working they just didn't didn't realize it's just they've just got a system where it's just a big it's like a big european family that everybody just gives each other food and does like you know plumbing for each other and they realize they't realise they've got tons of money? We've identified a family here in northern Brunswick who do not understand the concept of money. They have no awareness of how it works. Since we've been filming them, one of the members of the family has come into possession of some money one of the members of the family has come into possession of some money and is struggling to understand how to use this new concept.
Starting point is 00:23:30 So why do you even have money in your wallet? Well, my wife said she saw it in a magazine and she liked the way that it looked having money in the wallet like that. And you look at these pictures there, there's a number on it. Yeah, there's all sorts of numbers. This one's a number 10. Yeah. So I guess that's...
Starting point is 00:23:49 But look, it's not just a number 10, it's also like a number like 10531602F6B9682. So, you know, which one is the value? It's very hard to know. You know, these things are not... Like, there's all sorts of writing all over there. You don't know what it all means. I'm aware that the picture is probably, like, it's quite a good picture. So I don't know if it's like art, if it's like worth something because of the picture.
Starting point is 00:24:22 Excuse me. Because people like pictures. Is that art? Is that? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah it is i would like to buy that off of you buy yes that ten dollar note there uh you want to buy it yes i love art oh well i don Well, I don't understand. What do you mean, buy it? Would you give me something else? Do you have something of equal value to this art?
Starting point is 00:24:54 Do you want to swap it for another piece of art? Yes. Oh, okay. That's how he sells art. He sells it to other people who don't know what money is. And so he gives them art in exchange for money. It's nice that these people would interact with each other. At some point, the guy who doesn't understand art
Starting point is 00:25:15 meets the guy who doesn't understand money. Guy who really likes art. I think I heard a knock at the door. A knock at the door. There was a knocking without Let's pause the podcast Alright and we're back Just sold a bike everybody
Starting point is 00:25:36 We had to go because we're selling bikes Just had to go sell a bike We pay for this whole podcast racket with bike selling Yeah so you just gotta You know a lot of podcasts do ads during the podcast. They give you a sponsorship announcement or something, you know, stamps.com, that kind of thing. Yeah, Audible. We don't do that.
Starting point is 00:25:56 We don't want you to download any Audible stuff. No, no. But what we do during our podcast is occasionally we'll sell a bike. We'll just stop the podcast and sell a bike. Just to, yeah. I mean, this whole podcast is just a front for a big bike selling racket that we got. Yeah. You know those classic bike selling rackets?
Starting point is 00:26:15 Yeah. We're just doing this podcast so that we can launder the bike money that we got. I don't know how... We're laundering money here, guys. This is where we launder the money. That's a big washing machine. Oh, Alistair. No, you didn't like that?
Starting point is 00:26:33 No. Oh, shit. No, that's a bit lame. I'm getting to a point where I don't think I know what is really lame and what's good. It's probably your post-lame.
Starting point is 00:26:43 I'm post-lame. Because I'm starting to feel like the stupider something is the better well that's good like that can only be good like i tweeted something yesterday which was like uh my you know a lot of people don't know and a lot of people don't believe me when i tell them that I was literally born into money. You know, my mom gave birth to me while squatting over a jar of coins. Yeah. And so I think that's really stupid. Yeah, it's pretty stupid. Yeah. But I also think it's funny. Could be. Maybe other people don't think it's funny. Squatting over a jar of coins? Yeah, I know, but it wasn't on purpose. It was an accidental...
Starting point is 00:27:34 Oh. So, okay. Just the swear jar was there. Yeah. She was swearing a lot when she was giving birth to you. Your dad whips out the swear jar. While she was pregnant, she was swearing a lot. A lot of people
Starting point is 00:27:45 get cravings. And then she was just picking something out of the second bottom drawer of her thing. Right? And she just keeps
Starting point is 00:27:53 the jar in the middle of the room. Okay, because that's weird. Hang on, the second bottom drawer. Why did she... Because the bottom
Starting point is 00:28:01 drawer would be sort of too low. I think she'd have to sit on the ground or just bend. But to squat, I think, the bottom drawer would be sort of too low. I think she'd have to, like, sit on the ground or just bend. But to squat, I think the second bottom drawer is, like, the best drawer for squatting height in terms of, like... She's squatting over the drawer and the jar is in the drawer. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:28:14 She's squatting over the jar, right? Because the jar is just set up in front of the chest of drawers. Okay. It's set up there. It's set up. Like, she just leaves it there. We've got this jar set up. Yeah. Yeah, we had some guys in.
Starting point is 00:28:28 They set that up over there. But we might have to get them back because yeah, we're not really comfortable with it just there in front of the chest of drawers. Doesn't seem like a very clever place. No, if it was for my family, we would be completely fine with it there. Maybe not my parents or my brothers, but I would
Starting point is 00:28:44 be totally fine with it being there you're totally fine with so many things the only time i wouldn't be fine with it is in the middle of the night if i like smashed my foot against it i'd be like fucking jar but who are these fucking guys that set this up in my room don't you understand that the the people who who aren't happy with it there the rest of the time yeah are not happy with it there because they think it will lead to incidents like the one you're describing they're not just being dicks i know just angry about okay but why let the anticipation of pain make you angry and just allow the actual pain to make you angry? You know, I'm suffering a lot less than you guys.
Starting point is 00:29:34 Even this hitting your foot is not as bad as the constant turmoil of anticipating hitting your foot. You know who you're sounding a lot like right now? Who? Epicurus. Yeah. Epicurus, ancient Greek philosopher. Yeah. Said that we should not focus on anticipation,
Starting point is 00:29:55 not worry about the future or about the past. He said that whatever's in the past can't hurt us, so we don't need to dwell on those things. It's in the past. What is happening in the future hasn't happened yet. It's not happening to us now. Don't worry about it. Deal with whatever's in the moment and just get the maximum pleasure that you can from whatever's there in the moment.
Starting point is 00:30:13 You know what's great about this? What? Is that this is the second time in my life that you've likened me to an ancient Greek. Well, are you enjoying it? Yeah, I am. So I'm like Epicurus. Yeah. I am. So I'm like Epicurus. Yeah. I'm like a reincarnation of Epicurus.
Starting point is 00:30:28 And the interesting thing about Epicurus is that he's also, he was a reincarnation of Socrates. Was he? Yeah. Oh! Even though they live simultaneously, that's how I can still be both of them. He was a co-incarnation. Yeah, co-carnation a co-incarnation. Yeah, co-carnation.
Starting point is 00:30:47 Co-incarnation. Yeah. The ancient Greeks, they looked like they were having a lot of fun, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah, I think some of them did. I think they had a lot of slaves as well. Yeah, well, that's why we're trying to build robots, because robots are just guilt-free slaves. Oh, they totally are. Yeah. We're going to build robots, because robots are just guilt-free slaves. Oh, they totally are.
Starting point is 00:31:06 Yeah. We're going to have robots that are slaves. It's like the same... This is how the slogan for robots is going to be. It's like... That same great feeling of owning slaves, the same convenience, without all the guilt. Yeah. The box will look exactly like a...
Starting point is 00:31:30 It'll be, I can't believe it's not slavery. It's like, I can't believe it's not butter or something. Same great flavor, zero calories. You don't have to make up some justification for why you're better than these people. We made them less good than you. And we built them to think that too. They believe it. It's in their programming.
Starting point is 00:31:52 It's in their programming. Slaves. Wait, no, I mean robots. I slave. Yeah. You from Apple. I haven't read that. I haven't heard that or watched that movie, I, Robot.
Starting point is 00:32:05 But is that about slavery? I, Ro, Boat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. I paddle kayak. You know what?
Starting point is 00:32:19 I saw a kayak today, funniest of the boats. Definitely. Well, let's just think no coracle have you seen a coracle no coracle is a little round boat oh yeah they're way funnier and you somehow are supposed to paddle them with like one paddle yeah in this little round boat i don't know how they guys just don't go around in circles but like i think like the the welsh or the scots or something had them and they would just like paddle around and well does it have a fin? Maybe the fin helps. Maybe it's got a fin.
Starting point is 00:32:46 I hope it's got a fin. I'd be surprised if there's any race of people that survived without putting a fin on a boat. Especially a round boat. Yeah. Just... Yeah. Well, that's definitely...
Starting point is 00:32:59 Okay, so that is a funny one, because today I was thinking about the idea of... Imagine, like, this is a sort of, like, a scientific test it you take a bunch of pictures of boats yeah right and you give them to somebody and then you go order them in in order of funnier to at least funny boat that's really interesting yeah and i wonder whether like there'd be a thing there like whether there's an objectivity to funniness whether you know like know, like some things are just way, like chosen as the funniest type of boat. Especially because boats weren't designed to be funny. Like at no point was that ever a consideration in the design process.
Starting point is 00:33:36 I like the idea of, because, you know, like comedy writing isn't a thing that most people do. But I like the idea of like architect or a boat designer going, somebody asking the designer going, so why did you choose this design? He goes, I just thought it was funnier that way. Because it kind of looks like a hot dog. And that's probably the funnier of the foods. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:04 And you know, a boat that looks like a hot dog. Yeah. Why would you do that? Why would you build that? So anyway, that'll be $500,000. No one ever goes for the gag in naval architecture. Yeah, naval architecture. Who's a, you know...
Starting point is 00:34:22 Yeah. If it was one of those little round boats and it looked like a belly button, naval architecture. Naval architecture a, you know. Yeah. If it was one of those little round boats and it looked like a belly button, naval architecture. Naval architecture. Okay, sorry. I'm a naval
Starting point is 00:34:30 architect. I put the old, I put some trusses down there. Yeah. And the old belly button. I mean, people talk
Starting point is 00:34:38 about, like, I mean, there's something in this for a sketch. A guy who, like an architect who's, who's like, well, why did you design that? He thought it would be funny. Don't you think it's funny?
Starting point is 00:34:51 Oh, I think it's ugly. And it's funny that you're upset by a bit of architecture. It's a bit of architecture. Yeah. Imagine if you went to an architect, right? Instead of building it like for safety or visual appeal, he was just like, this will be funny. Yeah, this will be funny. Look at this.
Starting point is 00:35:08 It's a sort of a funny thing to do, isn't it? It's an office, but you can only put your leg in there. The door's only big enough that you can just get up to your thigh. And then what are you going to do? Conduct a business. Or you could just probably get your head in there? There you go. You'd have to crouch down, just have your butt sticking up in the air.
Starting point is 00:35:31 That's going to be funny. It's funny. It's funny. Come on, guys. Anyway, guys, where's my money? We're not paying for this. Well, okay. What if, all right, what if you can get into the room, but there are no PowerPoints? Everyone will be crawling around on the ground going, there's no PowerPoints.
Starting point is 00:35:57 Where are all the PowerPoints? Just use a pen and paper. It'll be really funny because people don't use that anymore. There's a funny guy in the office. Is that funny? Sorry. I didn't really try any of these out before. These are all new ideas. These are new ideas.
Starting point is 00:36:18 I thought they'd be funny. Yeah. I've got some other funny ideas. Here's a classic. Banana peel. Just banana peels Everywhere The floor Made from bananas
Starting point is 00:36:29 Banana peels We could sell off The The meat of the banana Banana meat The flesh The flesh to pay off To pay off the rest of the building
Starting point is 00:36:41 Yep Alright what do you think of that? Building costs are down? That's pretty funny. Is that funny? Is that funny? I don't know, I'm not here to get today. To be honest, I haven't had a lot of sleep.
Starting point is 00:36:55 I'm really tired. I'm having an off day. It's probably all about timing. What if I did it tomorrow? Alright. I don't know if this is a sketch. Is it a sketch? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:37:08 I don't think it's a sketch. Okay, fine. How many sketches have we got? We've got three sketches. Three sketches. A man who likes art and owns art gallery. People who don't care are asked to call in to show. Yeah. And a guy who doesn't know how to use money.
Starting point is 00:37:25 That's a good score check. Yep. Yeah, and guy who doesn't know how to use money. Oh, that's a good score check, Al. Yeah, cool. So we're looking for number four here. Yep. How about this? You know blonde people with blue eyes? Yes. Is that you?
Starting point is 00:37:35 I'm sort of a green and grey. Okay. It's funny that they didn't really get any dirt on them, like, after the whole Nazi thing. Like, you know... Oh. You know, like, they were kind of attached to hitler to a certain extent like you know hitler was kind of like i know it wasn't their fault but in a way nobody kind of like looked down on them for sort of for being loved by hitler
Starting point is 00:37:55 well i think if we were to take one thing away from the second world war it probably wouldn't be to uh have a go at a bunch of people because... Guys, I don't know if you... I think you've missed the point of the war, to be perfectly honest. I think the way we're using this war is an excuse to victimise blonde people
Starting point is 00:38:18 with blue eyes. I don't know. It just feels wrong. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something... What have we learned from the Holocaust? Yeah! Blonde people!
Starting point is 00:38:31 Get them! We should get them! Fuck them, right? Yeah. Come on. Look at them. There's something wrong with them. All right, maybe...
Starting point is 00:38:38 They're up to something. Yeah, you're right. Okay. So not that. Yep. Yep. Ooh. Okay. So not that. Um, yep. The, um, yep. Uh, Ooh. Uh, yep. Uh, Oh, I don't have any ideas. Does that help? That is the worst thing anyone could have ever said. Run those guys who go to, um, volcanoes. Sounds like an idea. And like, you're such a hypocrite. I don't know like... You're such a hypocrite. I don't know if that means you're a hypocrite.
Starting point is 00:39:08 Go, volcanoes? Go to the volcanoes. I don't think it was an idea. The guys who go to volcanoes and just go and look at the lava. Yeah. Get really close to it. Yeah. They're really into it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:18 I'm like, hmm. Yeah. Well, anything you look at, there's always a chance of getting hit by a part of it. You know? Train spotters? Bird watchers? Yeah. There's always that risk.
Starting point is 00:39:33 And so same thing with volcano looker, like magma observers. Yeah. You know, they're always like, oh, little explosion down there. And then they got to look up and keep an eye out for any kind kind of falling magma yeah and then they get hit by a train i think air is lava um but what was that thing you said and then i said and then they get hit by a train oh yeah that'd be good actually oh you'd be great to do like like a remake of like warner brothers cartoons but not it's not it but it's in that style but with real people and none of those characters but you know what I mean like it's that kind of thing like
Starting point is 00:40:11 where one guy just really wants to get the other guy or like really wants to eat him I used to really love the contraptions that like Sylvester and the Roadrunner and stuff built. Like they would build these massive elaborate machines to try and do something. And I'd be like, how can you not want this guy to win? Look at those amazing machinies built. The guy's a genius. Look, he spent so much time ordering stuff. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:39 And then putting it together. Putting the parts together. That's him banging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he'll have his cogs whirring around and everything. Or just strapping a huge rocket to your
Starting point is 00:40:51 back. When is that ever a good idea? It's, yeah, it's interesting how, like the Warner Brothers cartoons didn't lead to an increase in kids strapping rockets to their backs. No, it's because they didn't have access to them.
Starting point is 00:41:10 Probably. I mean, they probably strapped some firecrackers to their backs. Did you get told that story when you were at primary school? Like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was really big. Right. Did a story go around your primary school about some kids who'd like cut off two of their fingers
Starting point is 00:41:26 so they only had three fingers left and then like run away into the sewers? No. I heard a kid who put on a like a Superman cape
Starting point is 00:41:35 and he thought somebody could fly so he jumped off a building. Oh. Yeah. But did... That was a story that went around.
Starting point is 00:41:43 Kids. That some kids had done that because they loved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so much. And I was like, oh, that's... And then I used to have nightmares about it. Really? Yeah, that I'd have to... I'd join some sort of club in the sewers.
Starting point is 00:41:56 And, like, part of getting into it would be, like, you'd have to cut off your fingers. Yeah. Well, but once you got there, right? right it's okay you've cut off your fingers right you're bleeding maybe you've you've sort of bandaged them up inexpertly with your with your three fingers that you're you're just realizing i'm assuming really adequate for this kind of task i'm assuming you're you've sort of you've cut off the pinky and the second last finger i'm assume oh what if you got rid of uh the the pinky and the second last finger. I'm assuming... Oh, what if you got rid of the rude finger,
Starting point is 00:42:29 the middle finger there, and the pinky? Because then you'd still have... Like, that would be more like a turtle trio. You know, it'd sort of be more spaced out. No, I think you need those first... Like, the thumb and then the first two. Yeah, you're right. For your dexterity.
Starting point is 00:42:42 I wasn't thinking about it logically, which fingers I would cut off. And plus, they would look turtley enough, I think. Look, okay, I don't know what the kids did. Anyway, so you've bandaged up your fingers. Yeah. You know, you need those index and that, like, fuck you finger. Yeah, you want to tie your shoe laces.
Starting point is 00:42:57 If you want to bandage yourself up. Yeah. Okay, so then you get under there, you get on the ground. I don't know how much food you've packed. Probably just pizza. Pizza, oh yeah. You know how much food you've packed. Probably just pizza. Pizza, oh yeah. You know how they love that stuff, no anchovies. No anchovies, yeah, of course.
Starting point is 00:43:12 Probably picked up some books on martial arts, maybe, and a torch. And a rat. A big rat. A huge rat. That you expect to teach you. And then you go down, you kind of find a nice room underneath in the sewer. This is actually sounding pretty good. Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:43:32 But then what? Like, suddenly, okay, you run out of food. Yep. Okay, what do you do? Like... You order pizza to be delivered to a manhole. Where are they going to get money from? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:42 That was never really covered, how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got money. No, but where did these kids get money? Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah. I'm getting caught up in it. Yeah. Yeah, I guess they start to steal.
Starting point is 00:43:54 Yeah, okay. And then that goes against everything the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stood for. Yeah, so now they're like, and plus their hands are horribly sore. They're not in any state to be breathing. Probably infected because they're in a sewer. They're in a sewer, right? How many airborne diseases are going to be in there? Probably at least six.
Starting point is 00:44:15 Six or seven airborne diseases. These kids are not going to survive a long time. Or at least, yeah. Anyway, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. to survive a long time. Or at least, yeah. Anyway, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. It's a great idea. Tell you what, though. It stopped me from running away into the sewers.
Starting point is 00:44:30 That story. Was it your parents that told you that story? No, it was kids. Was that ever an option? Because that's the thing. When I ran away when I was a kid, I would run away. And then I would stand on the corner and just wait. For what?
Starting point is 00:44:45 I don't know. And then I'd go, I better and just wait. For what? I don't know. And then, like, go, oh, I better go home. So you get hungry. I'm going to run away. I don't think I ever ran away. But I would look at, like, manhole covers and stuff and be like, oh. Bet it's great down there. I thought, you know, I was like, oh.
Starting point is 00:45:02 Yeah. I could escape down that. What? I was like, I could escape down that. Did you ever look at little holes or drains and think, oh, I could escape down there? I always wanted to go down there. Yeah. But I never did. Yeah, me neither. But there are people who do that.
Starting point is 00:45:19 Yeah. Who just go traveling through the stormwater drains and stuff. Okay. What can we do with that? Okay. Maybe it's people who, like, who do that but do it through offices or something like that. Like... Air conditioning?
Starting point is 00:45:36 Not air conditioning, but, like, I think just, like, through, like, cubicles and stuff. And, like, they're just, like, maybe even during the middle of the day, they're just going through an office building building yeah like you know between the cubicles and stuff like but they're not building they're not building things no but they're just like they're urban explorers and they're just finding new sort of pathways and they're like oh there's this great way that you can get from here to here if you just go down into the shop, up the elevator, and then across. What it makes me think of is, I never realized how territorial we sort of are still.
Starting point is 00:46:11 Like, if you're in a building, let's say, let's say you're just in a one, like, it's a one-office building. Yep. Right? And some people that you don't know come into the building. Yep. And they start walking through.
Starting point is 00:46:21 You'd just be like, Hey, what are you doing in here? Who are you? Hey, get out of here! You know, like that. Like, we're actually as territorial as, like, some flies that through, you'd just be like, hey, what are you doing in here? Who are you? Hey, get out of here. You know, like that. Like, we're actually as territorial as, like, some flies that have, you know, I don't know, flies was not a good example. Oh, think of territorial animals.
Starting point is 00:46:34 Flies. Flies. Oh, you know what they're like. Hey, get off my territory. Yeah. Did you read the sign? Yeah, but, like, you know, like wolves. Yeah, that's a good example.
Starting point is 00:46:43 You know, that's a good, yeah, it's a really good example. It's much better than flies. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Okay, so, but like we are really territorial. We're no different. We're no better than animals. We're no better than the animals.
Starting point is 00:46:55 Guys, let's just all cut off our last two fingers. There's something about the idea of like some tribal thing in an office that just... What's going on? Someone in here. What about... Maybe some office workers from a neighbouring office need more space, so they come in and try and drive out the other office. They compete for territory.
Starting point is 00:47:24 And they kind of approach each other and it looks like some of them are kind of doing intimidation techniques and they're looking and they're kind of holding each other back. I don't know if this is getting weird. And then they're
Starting point is 00:47:39 approaching each other and they sort of make first contact and the other one sort of hits the other guy with a stapler and he gets a staple in his head and he just, and he falls and he bleeds from the head. Most of it's posturing and they don't really fight, but then there's some small thing and then they flee. And like the people who were in that office and now have nowhere to go.
Starting point is 00:47:59 And so they're wandering up and down the stairwell sort of looking for a space, trying to type and do a bit of work. Do some work, yeah, right on their leg. I think that's funny. Yeah, right. Office workers competing for territory.
Starting point is 00:48:14 Office workers. And then, yeah, the boss would be sort of the alpha male, maybe. Yeah, but he's just got one of those, like, 40-year-old man guts. Yeah, yeah. Ah, the 40-year-old man guts. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the 40-year-old man gut. That's every, like, anybody who's wearing a business shirt over 40 has, like, just, like, just a semi, a demi-moon, just of fat, just coming out. Some people don't know. No, they do. Okay. Even when you don't think they do. I mean, but we're... There's just no hope for us.
Starting point is 00:48:49 Sorry, also, I wanted to... I thought I had before, we're talking about the Looney Tunes thing. Yeah. With the... So in order to make a human version of it, I think in order to make a human version of it, you would just have to make
Starting point is 00:49:00 all the human characters cannibals. Okay. And so that way, everybody would always have an incentive to want to eat the other person. Yeah, of course, because they're hungry. Yeah, they're hungry. Okay, right. So they're cannibals, and there's no other food in the world.
Starting point is 00:49:15 Yep. So the only other people that you can eat. Somehow we got rid of all the vegetables. Yep, but there's a lot of cogs and bits of springs and anvils around. Oh, yeah. There's companies that are running. It's just everybody's eating. That's the thing with cartoons where all the animals are human.
Starting point is 00:49:33 When they eat an animal, they're eating like... Sorry, not when animals are human, when the animals are anthropomorphized. Yeah, like the Lion King. Yeah. So when they're eating chicken, they're eating like an equal an equal yeah something that's that's sentient and everything like that yeah and so that's what that is but with humans that's good yeah and so basically it's like it's set in a post-apocalyptic time where we've got that we destroyed the environment like Looney Tunes does
Starting point is 00:50:04 the road yeah it's the exactly we've got we destroyed the environment like looney tunes does the road yeah it's like exactly we've got rid of all the like the environment so there's no more plants and stuff all that's left is the slowly diminishing population of the world and eventually we're slowly eating each other but then but but these people also just have normal lives you know so they're mailmen and they're, you know, they're Samity Sams. That's kind of funny. Like, yeah,
Starting point is 00:50:28 the idea that there's no other source of food except for humans. Yeah. So the population will diminish, but society's still running,
Starting point is 00:50:36 we're still going about our business. Yeah, we're playing soccer games, things like that. Somebody, like, rolls their ankle and they're on the ground
Starting point is 00:50:42 and you sort of see everybody, like, turn and they're like, he's weak. Get him in Hungary. Would they still be everybody turn. They're like, he's weak. Get him in hungry. Would they still be talking to him? Just like, oh. You rolled your ankle.
Starting point is 00:50:51 Yeah. That's a bit rough. Do you think you can still run on it? Are you going to walk home? Yeah. Oh. I'll give you a lift. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:01 I'll give you a lift. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Yeah, just hop in the... No, just in the back of the van is fine. Oh, just don't mind the hooks. Don't mind the hooks. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:51:13 I just... Yeah, no, sorry. I just... I hook a lot of... You know how it is with the... You know, because we're all cannibals now. Yeah. I've been...
Starting point is 00:51:23 You know, you've got to feed the family. I'm not going to eat you. No, not you. No, I'm going to take care of you, take you to the house. Yeah. Sorry, I drifted off there for a second. I was thinking about food. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:51:39 Just thought I'd make you hungry. Anyway, get in the back. Get in the back, take your shoes off. You've got some coconut oil back there for you. You want to make me hungry. Anyway, get in the back. Get in the back. Take your shoes off. You've got some coconut oil back there for you. You want to rub it in? Rub it into you. Have you showered lately?
Starting point is 00:51:53 You a clean man? Would you say you're a clean man, Gary? Come on, don't shit yourself, Gary. Ah, you're shitting yourself. All right. All right, fine. Get in the front. Well played. Well front. Well played.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Well played. Well played. Alright, I'll take you to your place. Yeah, come on. I'll get you though. Fair call. I'll get you.
Starting point is 00:52:12 I'll get you next time. Hey, almost had you. And you shat yourself, didn't you, you clever bastard. You shat yourself. Oh, well. Well played.
Starting point is 00:52:21 Well played. Hey, why don't you come over to our place for dinner? No, you know, actually, we've got a mailman in the freezer. In the slow cooker. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:32 Hey, you like? It'll be real nice and tender, hey? Yeah. Oh, he's a porky fella. Yeah, he's a real porky. He ate the butcher. He ate the butcher? Ooh.
Starting point is 00:52:45 He ate the butcher, so, you butcher? Ooh. I hate the butcher, sir. You know, you know he's full of vitamins. How do you make a sketch out of that? Because that's kind of fun, isn't it? Yeah. Look, I'm going to write it down anyway. Yeah? Look, but we'll just do more than five, just to be safe.
Starting point is 00:52:59 What's the time? What do we owe him? What minutes is that? Is that two hours? Surely not. Two hours, 55 minutes we've been What minutes is that? Is that two hours? Surely not. Two hours, 55 minutes we've been going for. Really? I could have sworn it was closer to four hours.
Starting point is 00:53:15 55 minutes. Loony. Oh, fuck. I can't spell Looney Tunes. You've got to keep talking. I think that this is the best part of the podcast. I know, but you know what's the best part of the podcast? Is you saying that this is the best part of the podcast?
Starting point is 00:53:30 You're right. I think that's the only thing that's better than that. Sorry, sometimes I don't have anything to say. Andy, you always have something to say. No, I don't. I mean, I try. Andy, while you're not talking, what you're really doing is just not believing in yourself. And you know that I believe in you.
Starting point is 00:53:44 I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself. If I don't, from now on, guys, if I don't have anything to say, I'll just say, I believe in myself. I believe in myself. Oh, I hate that more. Yeah? Yeah. The self-affirmation.
Starting point is 00:53:55 Yeah, because where's that going to lead to? People who say, I believe in myself, they're only getting good at saying that they believe in themselves. What about a self-help book, right? Yeah. It's like, it's just more sort of suggestions. Yeah. It's just like, try just sort of going for a run. Have you had your vitamin B checked?
Starting point is 00:54:23 Yeah. Because I heard, I think that vitamin B Is somehow connected To your brain And someone I met I met someone They had some vitamin B
Starting point is 00:54:32 And they just had A lot more energy and stuff Give that a go Like a banana Alright how about this Alright What about these three steps Is this an audio book?
Starting point is 00:54:42 That's quite funny Just someone's driving somewhere You could just have a little scene that could recur throughout an episode or something or it's just listening to this audio book all right um three steps actually no three's probably not enough four steps okay we'll make it four steps um okay so you got you want to you want to improve your life so better better picture okay imagine what your life could be like. That's pretty good.
Starting point is 00:55:06 That's a good start. So imagine it being better than it is. Or worse. No, just better. Just better. Don't imagine it being worse. No, forget this. This isn't going to work.
Starting point is 00:55:17 It's too complicated. Chapter two. Carrots. Help you see in the dark I'm not sure if that's a myth yeah but it doesn't matter wasn't it going to hurt you
Starting point is 00:55:29 if you ate a carrot yeah alright I'm going to tell you a story okay a story of a a rabbit and a dog
Starting point is 00:55:37 and the rabbit helps the dog across the river yeah the rabbit eats loads of carrots oh yeah that works
Starting point is 00:55:44 yeah probably and and the dog across the river. Yeah, the rabbit eats loads of carrots. Oh, yeah, that works. Probably. And the dog can't see the river, so the rabbit just swims him across. You know, holds it in his beak. They have beaks? Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:56:08 I think an audio book made by somebody who doesn't know what they're talking about and hesitates, you just call it a podcast. Hey-o! Oh, yeah. That's the thing that we do when we do it. Is that where we wrap up the podcast? Yeah, we could wrap up the podcast. Okay, let's just do it. It's not a very strong ending.
Starting point is 00:56:27 No? No. What if we come up with one really good idea? Okay, one more really good idea. Here we go. Okay. Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring. All right?
Starting point is 00:56:38 Yeah. Okay. Okay, great. Okay, instead of rings, earrings. No. Don't put the earring on, Trotter! Okay, never mind. They're trying to get to Mordor. Don't put it on that side, people will think you're gay!
Starting point is 00:56:53 They're trying to get to Mordor, but there's public transport in Middle Earth. Okay. That's the only thing that's different. Is they have a public transport system. System, okay. Like a subway? Yeah, they got a subway. They got buses.
Starting point is 00:57:07 They go on the trip advisor. Because luckily at this point, somebody set up a tourism board. And so the actual, the volcano has like facilities where you can put on the big sort of suit that protects you from the heat and everything like that.
Starting point is 00:57:22 And then all those like, you know, those horseback men, they can't recognise you because everybody looks the same in those heat protective suits. But I think at the start of the movie they go into a flight centre or something, like STA or something, a travel place. They go in and they're like, yeah, we're thinking of going to Mordor.
Starting point is 00:57:40 And they're like, oh, I don't know about Mordor. Mordor's not very nice at this time of year. Actually, there's a travel warning out on Mordor. We've got a great package just to go to the Black Forest. Maybe we should go to the Black Forest. No, no, we've got to go to Mordor. That's the whole point of this trip is we're going to Mordor. Can we just do a flyby or something?
Starting point is 00:58:05 Can we get one of those tickets that allows you to go all the way around? You can do unlimited stops. So maybe we'll stop at the Black Forest and then we'll go on to Mordor. Is that where the cake comes from? What are the regulations with taking rings of unlimited power onto the aeroplane? Are there restrictions on that? Because, I mean, I don't have any aerosols on me. Yeah, because they haven't been invented yet.
Starting point is 00:58:32 But we've got wizards, so... I guess, you know, what's the point of... Invention and science and technology when you can do the impossible. But also, what's the point of stopping people from taking weapons onto the plane when you can just have a wizard on there? Why do we even bother with a plane when we can just hover using magic? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:53 No. This whole world is just... filled with flaws. Do dwarves have to pay full price? Well, dwarves are not as tall, but they're way thicker, I think. They're just wide. Yeah, they're like a... They're dense.
Starting point is 00:59:12 Yeah, they're dense. Yeah, very dense. They're quite heavy, I imagine. I think a Lord of the Rings thing where they go into a... A public transport thing? Into a trip, into STA or something. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's something we would do.
Starting point is 00:59:24 It's not us. But it's something we would do. It's not us. But it's something that someone would do. Probably College Humour. Yeah. Oh, you think so? I think College Humour Originals would have a fair old track. We'll pitch that one to College Humour. We'll just send that over there.
Starting point is 00:59:34 Hey, guys, have you done enough sketches about personifying the internet yet? Yeah. All right. Well, here's another one you can do. You know how The Hobbit's really topical? Yeah. Lord of the Rings is really topical. You know that movie thatbit's really topical? Yeah. Lord of the Rings is really topical. You know that movie that was out 10 years ago? It was really long. Do a
Starting point is 00:59:51 sketch about it. I love Andy and, oh, it could be in a Trip Advisor. I love Andy and Alistair. You know how on the Todd Glass show, they sometimes, like, he'll talk about other podcasts and that they're pieces of shit and stuff like that. I think it would be great to start a feud with another podcast. Great. You're going down, Todd. You're going down. We think
Starting point is 01:00:18 we really like your podcast, but... Who could we start a feud with? Should we start a feud with someone local in the Melbourne comedy scene? We could start a feud with the Green Guide Letters podcast. This is sort of the problem, is that, like, if you... You know, like, if you were, let's say, like, two tribes, right? Right. If you wanted to start a feud with a tribe or a war,
Starting point is 01:00:42 you couldn't do it if you kind of thought they were good. You go, oh, we should fight the Franks, but I really like them. I quite like what they do and stuff like that, but I just, I want their, I mean, if you could fight another podcast and get their listenership. You can't win their listeners. You can't defeat them. Yeah. Ah! Give me your listenership, Steel Saunders. To the winner go the spoils. Go the downlides.
Starting point is 01:01:10 We get to have all your reviews. All your five-star reviews. Well, we're going to try to take down some of the local podcasts. We've got to think about this. By taking them down and grabbing their listenership. I'm not sure how we're going to do it yet. Maybe if we seize control of their Twitter feed?
Starting point is 01:01:27 I think we just need to, whenever somebody is about to download it, we just need to be in there being like, oh, hey guys, what are you doing? Or putting our podcast in. Yeah. Somehow. Put it in. Yeah, just sticking it in there. Just hacking the feed.
Starting point is 01:01:41 Yeah. Just hardwiring it. Yeah, that's a good idea. Like in Ocean's Eleven. Yeah. Possibly. I think that's a fun idea to the feed. Yeah. Just hardwiring it. Yeah, that's a good idea. Like in Ocean's Eleven. Yeah. Possibly. I think that's a fun idea to end on.
Starting point is 01:01:49 Yeah. Hacking the feed and stealing other people. We're going to develop this idea further. Okay. So, anyway. We'll call that six and a half.
Starting point is 01:01:59 Six and a half ideas. Oh, yeah. Six and a half. Yeah. It was almost a baker's half dozen. a Almost a baker's half dozen It was a baker's half dozen Yeah
Starting point is 01:02:07 And a bit And a bit Yeah It was a baker's five and a bit That's a good idea Bakers So thank you for listening, guys. And I appreciate it.
Starting point is 01:02:26 To an I think tank. Oh, yeah. To an I think tank. It's good to have you on board. I like boats. Boats. I like boats. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.
Starting point is 01:02:42 Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. We'll see you next time. other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details.

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