Two In The Think Tank - "LOST EPISODE" 14 - "Mechanically Recovered Hope"

Episode Date: September 2, 2013

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Holy moly, holy moly. Where's my pants? Where's my pants? Over by the dresser, over by the dresser. Next to the table side, next to the table side. I'm a cat.

Yes. Yeah, welcome to Two in the Think Tank. And that was our version of music by Andy and Alistair. Alistair, music man. And Andy. Matthews. Alistair, music man, Trombley Birchall. And Andy.

Matthews. Matthews. Why is that format really fun? I don't know. I like the guy who's introducing his band and he's like, Hey, it's the beatmeister on the drums, Danny. And it's Captain Groove on the bass guitar. And Jim playing the clarinet.

Sammy the sax sofa. And Kev. Guys, come on. And Ryan. I play the triangle. What? Guys. On the dingle-dangle triangle man with his bangle hands.

It's actually a very complicated instrument. It's actually a very complicated instrument. We all wear masks. Metaphorically speaking. Speaking. Ice tea

for breakfast! What? What was that? That was a previous episode. We did a thing about ice tea for breakfast. Did we do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a callback. This is like you're like, you know our episodes like I Know The Simpsons. I would make references to The Simpsons all the time.

Yeah. What was your favorite season of this podcast, would you say? You know, after the eighth episode, it seemed like they must have changed writers or something like that. Yeah, yeah. I noticed that one of the key guys wasn't in the credits anymore or something like that. And also the animation style changed. Yeah, and it's just like they're not growing anymore. And there's so many celebrity cameos on the podcast, did you notice?

Yeah. That time when we had Jack Drewson. Yeah, and also remember when this guy made an appearance? Peach, I could eat a peach for hours. Oh, yeah. That was a great episode, one of my favorites. What about the time that Mr. Sean Connery came on the show? See you, Sean.

Thanks for coming on the show. Sean, great to have you on board. Hey, Sean. Yeah? See you later. Oh, careful. Mind the step. Oh, he's falling over.

What about the time that Nick Drake came on the show? Thanks for coming on, Nick Drake. Sure, Nick Drake. Appreciate it, Nick. I don't know who you are. Watch that shape. Thanks for coming on, Nick Drake. Show Nick Drake. I don't know who you are. Watch that shape. It's really weird that you came. Don't fall over Sean Connery.

He's still there. We should really pick him up or scrape him to the curb. Scrape him. Scraping Sean. Scraping Sean. That's a documentary about the time Sean Connery came and did our podcast. Or the time that we gave Sean Connery a pap smear. I was pretty shocked when I found out that the pap smear actually involved scraping away skin or something.

Scraping doesn't sound good. Oh, nothing should be scraped. No. Okay? I'm going to come out against scraping. Yeah. When has scraping ever helped anyone do anything? Okay, I've got an answer in my head.

Okay. Should I ignore it or should I say it? Ignore it because it's not going to look good for me. I've really put everything that I've got behind this no scraping campaign. Okay, but what if somebody in Canada... Literally, I've scraped together all the money I have and that wasn't a fun experience. No. And now I'm putting everything into this. Okay, I've scraped together all the money I have and that wasn't a fun experience. No? And now,

I'm putting everything into this. Okay? This is my Coney 2012. But what about... Scraping 2013. And I am going to keep my shit together.

I'm not going to be like that Jason guy. You're not going to find me wanking by a bus. Wanking? Slapping the ground in your underwear. Slapping the ground

in your underwear. That guy... That guy collapsed. Oh my God, what a meltdown. It's amazing. He went thermonuclear. That's the kind of meltdown we're talking about.

Do you think we can generate electricity from the meltdowns of these people, just overnight internet celebrities? I think we're all, Alistair, I think we're all just 20 million YouTube clicks away from wanking

on the pavement. I mean... Do you think that's all it takes? I think we're all on a pretty fine... What about Bieber? Is it because he's got people like watching him all the time?

He's had a pavement installed in his house. A pavement? A pavement. Oh, so he can just do all the wanking and slapping of it? Absolutely.

That's the only way you can control this kind of thing. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. You gotta just recreate it. You know, he actually has a street and a this kind of thing. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. You've got to just recreate it. He actually has a street in his house. Yeah, a streetscape. He's hired out a whole Hollywood lot where they filmed Singing in the Rain.

Oh, wow. Actually, yeah. And does he have milk falling from the sky? Because it looks more like rain than milk. Milk doesn't. And also, it disguises the jizz. See, that's the problem. More like rain than milk does. And also it disguises the jizz. See, that's the problem. Because the jizz mixes with the milk running down. Oh, of course, yeah, with the water and things like that.

You know, that's the thing is that the regular people, they don't have access to those kind of facilities, those kind of treatments that if you were to get 20 million views, you would just have to wank off into just a regular street or an alleyway or, I don't know, or a bus parking lot if you feel like you have to be near a bus. As more and more people become YouTube celebrities and get over that 20 million barrier, they're actually planning to build an entire village for them to go and just wank on the pavement. They'll all be in there, but it'll be safe. It's just parallel streets with buses on them. Going up and down on a loop.

Yeah, and just people slapping the pavement and jerking off in their underwear on the street. And that way, they'll be amongst themselves. They'll just be amongst other people. And eventually, everyone will be amongst themselves. They'll just be amongst other people. And it'll be like, and eventually everyone will be like that. And it'll be like I Am Legend, where there's, I mean, I haven't seen I Am Legend, but I've read the Wikipedia synopsis. I think we all have. And I think we all have. Yeah, I have.

Yeah, thank you. What are your views on scraping, by the way? I'm against it. Well, how do you feel about the bottom of barrels? Oh, I mean, if you're hungry and there's food in there? Yeah. Oh, I can't. It was a biscuit barrel. Was it? So, correct answer. Yeah. Well, what about people who have frosted over windows and they need to get the ice off their windows so that they can drive and see.

Is scraping allowed then? No. Pour a gently warmed liquid over and then wipe with a soft cloth, such as a terry toweling or a small hand napkin. We're talking minus 30 here in the northern parts of Canada. Okay, you're going to want to resist the urge to scrape.

I can't stress this enough, guys. Anti-scraping. I'm anti-scraping. And I'm anti-scraping! And I'm not some sort of scrape-apologist. Alright? No, let's not do that. What?

I thought you were doing that. Yes, well... And I'm against it. I like this auntie character. Let's go in that direction instead. I'm anti-scrape. I'm the mascot for Andy's auntie Scrape. I'm the mascot for Andy's

auntie Scrape campaign. Scrape your auntie. Don't scrape your auntie. Don't scrape your auntie. Don't scrape auntie Scrape. That's my slogan. Okay. We have to find a way out of this.

Planet of the Scrapes. You damn dirty Scraes. You damn dirty scrape. You damn dirty scrape. Like as a way of cleaning himself? Yeah. Oh, scraping to clean. I was like,

I got all this muck on my hand. That's sort of what exfoliating is, right? Well, it's kind of like gently rubbing so it doesn't hurt.

I want to know if any of the other listeners out there, the other listeners, because I'm also a listener. I'm one of you. Me? Yes.

Okay, you're talking, I wasn't sure if you were talking to me. No, I was talking to you. Okay. I'm always talking to you. Yeah. Okay.

You are my audience. Yeah. What was I going to say? You're a listener. Yeah. Yeah. And I've got no idea. Oh, come on.

You always wonder. I always wonder if anyone else has looked at a bottle of exfoliating body wash, right, and pictured it as a Dalek from Doctor Who. Okay. Moving along and going exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate. Because that's all I think about when I'm in the shower. You know who would love that? People who love Doctor Who.

And I'm not one of them. No, me neither. So my life is a living torment. I hate Doctor Who. I've never really seen it, but I just hate how much people like it. Yes. And so that's a big part of my height as well. It's like, oh, well, if you wanted people to like Doctor Who, you shouldn't have liked it so much. Yeah. Yeah. You should have got off the bandwagon and left some room for the rest of us. But like people are just too into it. Like people

are going to stop listening even to the few people who are listening to our podcast right now are going to stop listening because some of them love Doctor Who that much that they're going to stop listening. Do you think we've alienated them? Well, I don't know. Maybe they like aliens. Oh, big. Don't, Alistair. You make that noise too much and it makes me...

Oh. I make shit puns. Andy. And you always go, oh. I make lots of puns these days. Yeah, that's true. You know what? Okay, I did a, so there was a statue.

I had to write this joke today. There was a statue in some museum that kept rotating by itself. And they set up a webcam and they thought somebody, because only one guy had a key to the thing. Yeah. And they were and they set up a webcam they thought somebody because only one guy had a key to the thing yeah and they were like why is it rotating you know it's this ancient egyptian statue i mean we assume it's ghosts but we want to rule over anything else yeah so so they they put a webcam on it and they could see that it would just turn on its own accord yeah it's probably sitting on an accord a honda Accord? Yeah, it was a Honda Accord with a tiny

turning circle. It was fantastic. Oh, so they solved the problem. They shouldn't have put it on a Honda Accord. Yeah,

that's true. Was it a statue or was it just a hood ornament? No, that's true. Was it in the museum or was it just

in the car park? It was a hood ornament in the car park and they had just the guy has another mystery solved dysplasia

is dysplasia a thing yeah what does that mean that's a type of mollusk really no

so how did they explain it oh well just they think experts are claiming that it might have been just the vibrations in the

floor from people walking around during the day because it doesn't turn around during the night time. Oh. But they were like, well, why aren't any of the other ones turning?

Anyway, the pun joke that I wrote for that was, well, the Egyptians have been calling for a revolution. Was it an Egyptian statue? It was an Egyptian statue. Alistair, high five. Yeah. That's fantastic. Thank you very much, and I appreciate you congratulating me on that.

But I'm just saying, when I go, oh, it's more of a sound of recognition that you made a pun. But I actually thought, I actually enjoyed when you said the aliens thing, because I thought it was very clever. Oh, thanks. That's nice. Let's go back and do it again. All right. Let's do, cover some of our hits, some of our greatest hits. Okay.

Look, we need to find a goddamn sketch idea. Okay. Yeah. Here we go. All right. Revolutions. Okay. Okay.

You've always wanted to revolutionize the art of hip-hop, haven't you? Yes, that's true. What's an art form that hasn't been revolutionized in a while? Writing? People still use words. I think every time something gets revolutionized, it just turns into something else, doesn't it?

Yeah, that's true. Or it winds up being the same thing, because revolutions don't last. Well, the Egyptians, they were just drawing, and then people invented writing from that. They revolutionized drawing, and then they turned it into writing. Turned it into writing. Yeah, turned it into writing. Yeah, because then you don't need to, because the mind makes its own images. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah.

Thanks for that. Hey, no problem. You put a little image in my mind then. Did I? What was the image? Yeah, it was of a mind making an image. Oh. Yeah. It's quite good.

You just put an image in my mind. Oh, yeah. It was of your mind thinking about an image. A mind making an image. Oh, dear. Oh, Alistair, now I'm thinking about your mind. Thinking about my mind having a little image of a mind making an image put in it. Well, I think we should probably, I don't know, call someone in to put us down.

Because this loop is just going to be infinite. Okay, speaking of puns, you take your dog to the... What's his name? You take your dog, Alfred. Yep. Okay, you named him after the butler in uh alfred the butler oh alfred the butler in that tv show yeah alfred the butler alfred the butler yeah um i can't remember the butler's name but you named him after it uh and uh after after he was named not not the name had

nothing to do with it but just chronologically, you named him after the butler. You take it to the vet. Al-Fayed the butler. Al-Fayed. Sorry, it's just been... The TV show's been serialised and it's gone all over the world. And people can't even... It's gone all over the world so many times.

People can't even remember where it started. What came first? Al-Fayed the butler? Or the dog, Alfred? all over the world so many times. People can't even remember where it started. Yeah, no. What came first? Yeah. Alphayad the butler? Alfred the butler. Or the dog, Alfred. Yeah. Nobody knows.

Not 100% sure. In a way, it's nicer not to know. Yeah. Because it preserves some of the mystery. I mean, science has taken so much of the mystery out of life. Yeah. But it's the little things, you know. But I can take the mystery out of Alphayad the butler.

Exactly. Anyway, you take your dog to the vet. Yeah. Alfred. Yeah. But it's the little things, you know. But I can't take the mystery out of Alpha, you have the bugger. Exactly. Anyway, you take your dog to the vet. Yeah. Alfred. Yeah. The vet's also called Alfred. Okay. And.

Alfred, get on the table. The vet. Don't talk to me like that. Sorry, because your name's also Alfred. Yes. Anyway. Yeah. And you show the dog to the vet.

Look, here's a dog, you say. What do you think? And the vet says, oh, the dog is um is really overweight okay he's um his breathing is is is very raspy and unpleasant yes he's uh he's covered in um running sores um we're going to have to put him down. And you say to the vet, I think you've done a pretty good job of putting him down already. And the vet says, that'll be $500.

That's a sketch. All right, we're writing it down. Alfred the butler. It's going to be called putting down Alfred. Or, no, you're holding the dog, okay? And he says, we're going to have to put him down. So you put him down on the ground. And then you say, and then the vet says, that'll be $500.

No, I like the first one. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Wait, put him down. Is there another way? Can you put... Okay. So...

Yes. You... Take it, Alfred. So you put him... But your name's down. You're gonna have to put him Down Right

And then you put him On a bunch of feathers Put him down On down down Oh what are we doing Oh I don't know But look we got a sketch Okay we're off the

We're off the mark. Yeah. Okay? All right, now we don't have to do that thing when you walk around the table with your pants down. The first one is we don't have to do that thing. We will, but we don't have to. And it's a lot more pleasurable

when you don't feel like you're being forced into it. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's all about choice. The only time I enjoy running around the table with my pants down is... When I do it for me. Yeah.

Freely. Because, I mean, if once you start doing it for other people, then you're not going to be doing good work. Okay. Here's another joke. Yeah. Right? Something about unencumbered and not having any cucumbers.

All right. Let's move on. Okay. Unencumbered. Unencumbered. He's unencumbered. Yeah. Somebody steals your cucumbers. Yeah. Rendering you unencumbered. Yeah. Somebody steals your cucumbers.

Yeah. Rendering you unencumbered. Okay, this show is now puns. Okay? This is now we try and come up with five puns. Okay. Okay? And maybe seven if we don't think the first five were punny enough.

Or punny enough. Oh. Yeah, that's cool. No, that's... Those... That one. Yeah. Replacing the word funny with punny. Yeah. Is so bad it's cool. No, that's... Those... That one. Yeah. Replacing the word funny with punny.

Yeah. Is so bad it's bad again. Like, it's gone so bad that it's become good again. I don't think it even did. And then it went back and went... I think it just went double bad. Double bad. Yeah.

Double bad pun. Mm-hmm. I mean, they should sell that and you could put it on, like, brownies. Yeah. That was a... That was a double cream. You know double cream? I'm just going to go quiet for a while. Yeah. I'm going to write something down.

Do you guys know double cream? I'm going to make some notes. Yeah? What are you going to make notes about? Oh, yeah. Okay. So, Breaking Bad. Have you ever watched Breaking Bad? First season. You've watched the first season? Yeah. What do you think? Well, it seemed good, right? I quite liked

the way that he locked a guy to a thing using a bike lock. Oh, yeah. I saw that. I think that's the only episode I've seen. No one could steal this guy. You could still steal the guy's legs. A lot of the time, someone will come along and steal the guy's legs. Yeah. And then you'll come back, and the guy's legs will be gone. You'll be like, oh, shit, I've got to get some new legs. So you leave him there overnight.

You come back. Both his arms are gone. And you're like, oh, I need some new arms. You come back, and he's just a head there, chained to the pole. You're like, well, this is barely worth it. No, but then you he's just a head there, chained to the pole. You're like, well, this is barely worth it. No, but then you can take him. If there's no shoulders, then there's nothing stopping him. They've just left a little bit of shoulders.

Just enough. They've cut him off at the collarbone level. Yeah, but is there... At the clavicle. Is it flexible enough that you could just bend it through the horse? It is, but it's gross. You don't want to do it. It's not worth it.

Was he still alive? The head was the cheapest part of the guy anyway. You got that second hand. That's gross. You don't want to do it. It's not worth it. Was he still alive? The head was the cheapest part of the guy anyway. You got that second hand. That's true. Yeah. I mean, the head's the only thing you can't really transplant, for sure. Like, in terms of, like, organ harvesting and things like that, the head, there's no use for a head.

It's pretty much redundant. Yeah, because... They've got no resale value. As soon as you take that thing off the lot, it's just depreciating. Exactly. Okay, let's say you're an organ harvester in a country where they do that. Sure. Okay?

So, somebody brings you a body. Botswana. Right? Botswana? Do they do that? I think that's actually quite a... It's one of the richer countries in Africa. Really?

Oh, maybe they can afford surgeons. There you go. They can afford organs. Yeah. So, you're in Botswana and uh you're an organ harvester but you don't do go out and get your own bodies you just kind of like you have people bring your bodies and then you go and then you weigh it and you go oh it's all right 80 kilos or i'll give you i'll give you 75 bucks for it yeah guys like what but this guy's got you know

you know whatever he's got look at look at these great kidneys. And then you go, yeah, but the kidneys aren't that expensive. This guy's weight is mostly in the head. Yeah. He's got a heavy head, and I got no use for the head because that's where he lives. And, you know, I got some rich dudes who they want to keep their own consciousness. Yeah. Is that a sketch?

Yeah. Is that a sketch? Okay. So, I think there's definitely something about organs. Yeah. Right? You go in to a guy and you're trying to sell your own kidney. Yeah.

Right? And you're like, this is a great kidney. So, you're trying to like, I like this. So, you're actually trying to negotiate. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well, if you don't need the money for the kidney, then why are you here? Look, I've got two kidneys. I had a spare.

I didn't need it. You know, I thought I'd do you a favor and just get rid of it. Okay? Look, it's just taking up space. So you're doing me a favor? Well, if you're doing me a favor, then 50 bucks. That's all. That would bucks that's all that's all you know that would really do me a favor. Yeah but come on make me halfway here mate I mean I'm gonna have to go through the surgery I'm the one going through the surgery okay it's my kidney I mean you do you need kidneys or not do you want the kidneys? Yeah

I need kidneys. Okay well there you go. Okay. $28,000. $28,000 well you think you should I spit in your face. I just... I'm offended that you would think that I would pay that. You know how much money I would make on that if I paid $28,000? Probably... I'm not going to tell you because that would give away all of my bargaining power. I don't make any money.

I wouldn't make any money. Oh. All right. Look, okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. Yeah? Kidney, and I'll throw all right. Look, okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. Yeah? Kidney, and I'll throw in an appendix, okay? It's not useful, okay, but it looks nice, and it's good to have the set. Yeah, the thing is that I can't push appendices, all right? I got no use for it. I don't know why I don't have any storage space for it. Nobody's coming

to me saying they want appendix, right? If people start coming in to say appendix, they want appendix, I'm going to come to you and say, yeah, I'll take that appendix, actually. Okay, look, I'll take the appendix, but you've got to hold on to it for me for now. All right. All right, keep it fresh.

Okay, all right. All right, somebody comes to me. All right, you've got an option on the appendix, mate. Yeah. Okay, but you're still breaking my balls on this kidney here.

Yeah, no, 50 bucks. All right. I'll do you a kidney. Yeah. A section of liver Some cornea scrapings Oh And

Alright How do you feel about earlobes? I just I want all your stem cells Mate You can't have all the stem cells Alright I'll have your bone marrow

And I'll give you a thousand bucks Deal I think it's got to be more like You can't have all the stem cells Alright I'll have your bone marrow And I'll give you a thousand bucks Deal I think it's got to be more like Like more like used car Kind of Yeah You know like Okay

What's What's the mileage Oh yeah so I got to be No no no Only one previous owner Me And look I I've really No, no, no. Only one previous owner, me. And look, I've really looked after this kidney.

Are you a drinker? Look, I have the occasional drink only on a Sunday. Oh, no, it's no good to me if you've been doing any kind of drinking. Mate, look, all the parts are there. You know, the kidney part, that's there. Yeah. Do you have a history of your diet? Look, I haven't kept exact records, but take my word for it.

Well, that's the thing, is that if you don't have the records, you know, it's going to be very difficult for me to pass this on, you know, to get top dollar for this, so... Look, just look at it. Look, I'll open it up, okay? I'll open her up, and you can just have a look around. You can take it around the block if you like. No, no, forget it. You know what?

We're not interested. Thank you very much. Oh, come on, mate. Help me out if you like. No, no, forget it. You know what? We're not interested. Thank you very much. Oh, come on, mate. Help me out, alright? Oh, look, alright. I need to get my son a kidney for Christmas. Right. Forget I said that. Let's go back. I need to get my son...

I... I'm trying to get a pool. Oh, yeah yeah For the backyard Oh yeah I understand A kidney pool Yeah sure Okay And

And look And And apparently You know An eye for an eye A kidney for a kidney It's 12,000 bucks For the

For the kidney pool Hmm Help me out Alright Look man I'd really want to help you out But the thing is that I can't get $12,000 for a kidney myself The most I could give you is $2,000 Yeah

Oh thank god Dollars? You almost got me there. Yeah, cents. Oh, well, okay. All right, now we're back to the drawing board. Yeah. Because I really thought we might have a deal there when you said $2,000, but you meant $2,000 cents.

Yeah, cents. Hang on. Australian? No. Oh, Matt. Kenyan. Kenyan. Yeah. Tell, Matt. Kenyan. Kenyan. Yeah.

Tell you what. This is pre-inflation Kenyan? No. Post-inflation Kenyan. I can't believe I almost did a deal with you for 2,000 post-inflation Kenyan cents, mate. I'm from Kenya. Oh, we really should know. I just don't look like I'm from Kenya.

I'm from Kenya. Oh, we really should know. I just don't look like I'm from Kenya. Alright, look. I'm going to write it down, even though I don't think it's quite there yet. Yeah, alright. I don't know what you're going to write down. Organ. That's, oh.

Harvester. Harvesting. I like the word of harvesting. Harvesting is a very gentle word for essentially cutting into people and pulling out their organs. Harvesting. You know, the harvesting time. You know, it's autumn, which is the best time to harvest organs. This year we had a great harvest.

We had a great harvest. We had a bum per crop. Sorry, I meant a bum. One bum per crop. We. One bum per crop. We had a bum per crop. Which is great. Normally we only get the organ, but this time we got a bum per crop.

Well, actually, you probably do harvest the organs of bums, like tramps. So there you go. We had a bum per crop, and I'll tell you what, bum organs, they're very good. They're very good for parts.

They're pretty much only good for transplanting into animals or pets, but still good for us, and it's good to just have the turnover. And it's just great to be out there on the harvester, on the combine harvester, driving up and down. Riding over people. Yeah. Oh, and that's one way you could... That's if you could build a bit of machinery

that you could just drive over somebody and it would cut them up, but it would just split up their organs into different compartments. I'm pretty sure, like, there are machines that do that for animals and shit. You sure? No.

But chickens, I reckon that chickens are probably processed by machines, right? I guess so. Mechanically recovered meat is a thing, right? That's like where they scrape meat off bones with like a machine. Yeah. Right? So that's the last little bits of meat, and then they put that into sausages and stuff. And just the expression mechanically recovered, I like that,

and I'd like to use that in a sketch. I'd like to talk about mechanically recovered something else. Now, I don't know what it is, but some sort of residue. Maybe we could be talking about mechanically recovered hope from the bones of Obama's presidency. That's amazing. Isn't that powerful as an image? That is powerful, yeah.

Yeah, there you go. It's not necessarily something I believe. Do you think it has something to do with the, you know, what's that thing? It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those.

Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region.

See app for details. Where they talk about machinery and they talk about weapons. Yep. What's that thing? The military industrial complex? Exactly what I was thinking. Thank you. As the...

What was it again? The military-industrial complex. The military-industrial complex mechanically recovers hopes from the bones of Obama's... Presidency. Presidency. Look, oh God, that's a beautiful sentence.

I've got no idea what it means. Yeah. I don't know why the military industrial complex has got into the hope business. Yeah. It's probably just a market. They saw it. It was opening up. But I mean, it sounds like it could be something like on a Republican's ad.

I don't know. Look, guys. Something about truth bombs. Something about hope bombs. Something about truth bombs? Something about hope bombs? Yeah. Truth bombs? Hmm. Look, maybe we should just write that down because it's just a beautiful sentence.

Can you write it down? Okay. The military-industrial complex... Military-industrial... Complex mechanically recovers hope from the bones of Obama's presidency. Now, if there's any, I'm going to say, radical left-wing writers out there

who want to use that sentence, we're going to make that available as a download, a separate download. It's going to be on the Premium podcast, which is just going to be all our best sentences, and you can sample that and you can drop that into whatever political rant you're going on for that particular day.

And look, we're happy for you to remix that. It doesn't necessarily have to be tied to Obama. You can tie that to whatever you want. You could flip it around. You could make it about Tony Abbott. You could flip it around again. You could make it about Monsanto. Monsanto.

Pol Pot. There you go. The thing... I was just naming things that he knows that once had power. But the thing is that the military-industrial complex is more of an American thing. Absolutely it is. So maybe try to keep it Amerocentric? Sure, but look,

while you're on it, let's give you some options, okay? Because you're going to want to completely kit this thing out, okay? We've got free air, we've got on-road costs,

you've got all the options with this sentence, okay? Because we're not going to limit you. No. It's all about plug and play, so all the parts of this sentence are modular. The military-industrial complex, you can take that,

you can swap that out. You can just slot back in. You can slot in the Institute of Public Affairs. The Australian think tank. Mechanically recovers hope from the bones of... Of Julia Gillard's... The Gough-Whitlam's education policy. Yeah, great, fantastic.

So see the way we can just work with the key terms in a sentence here. Instead of mechanically recovers, we could do, okay, organically scrapes. Yep. Okay, good. We could go with a chemically, okay, chemically extracts, chemically peels, chemically extracts. Okay, so just see the way the sentence can be broken down and customized to meet your needs. Okay. So sentence salesman. Sentence salesman. Yeah. No, that's actually a good idea.

All right. Here we go. The guy comes to the door and he says, excuse me, sir, do you have a moment for a quick conversation? Now, sure. Sure. I'm not busy right now. Great, so what words would you like to have in that conversation? Or what sentences? Because I can do you some great ones Okay, but they're going to be, I mean, look I can give you a, okay, do you want me to say something about the Illuminati? Because that's an expensive word Yeah, okay

Ratification Do you have any free sentences? I mean, yeah, we got your sort of default package. Okay, great. Okay, how are you? Okay. Beautiful weather. Is that a sentence?

Beautiful weather? Yeah. Yes, it's just a statement. Okay. Yeah. What about beautiful weather we've been having? Can I? Yeah.

Do you mind if I modify the sentence myself? I mean... We don't recommend it. They're not designed to be user serviceable. They can cause damage if you try and go in there and start rustling about. I mean, these have been assembled by experts under controlled conditions. So, you know, if you're going to buy from us, we recommend if you want the guarantee to remain intact, then you just leave the sentence as it is.

And obviously, if you have any trouble with the sentence or you want any modifications done, just bring it in to one of our service people. They'll be more than happy to help you with adding in any extra verbs or nouns or connecting words. But do not attempt to do it on your own. Don't attempt. People have been...

Shocked. Sentences can become quite shocking. And people have said things which have led other people to do things, you know, without knowing, putting certain combinations of words in certain orders. Oh, yeah, no, look, I don't want to do that. And people have asked people to do things accidentally because they haven't realised the ramifications of certain combinations of words. It's quite important that, you know, at least if you're not going to use a professional to rearrange your words and, you know,

add exclamation points and an extra punctuation and all that, At least do it under supervision of a supervisor. Supervision of a supervisor? Well, that's the best way to go about it, I would recommend. And we're in the business of sentences, by the way, just letting you know. Oh, okay. And if you've got a problem, call our helpline. We can be at... Beautiful Morning.

Beautiful Morning? Beautiful Morning. Beautiful Morning? Beautiful Morning. Beautiful Morning. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, great. I like that. Can I just try it out for a week and then... Oh, yeah, well...

Get on some sort of plan after that, you know. Oh, right. We'll see how it goes. Okay, but I wouldn't... By the way, the words that you're currently using, have you got a license for them at the moment? I'm sorry? For example, like, I'm sorry, have you got a license currently to use those?

I wasn't aware that I needed a license to use. Did you know that it is an offense to string words together and try to drive a bargain without a licence in this state? Did you know that? Um, I don't know what to say. I'm an undercover police officer, so you're under arrest. Undercover? Well, under this carport.

Yeah, I was going to say, because you're in uniform. Yes, but this blanket that's over me. I'm in a pillow fort. I'm undercover. I'm undercovers. Ah, right. Look, I like that idea of the sentence salesman.

Yeah. Yeah, stringing a sentence together. Yeah, great. Yeah, the plug and play, the customising. What about policemen who go undercovers? We're going to need you to go undercover. What's been going on? People have been Stealing mattresses

People have been Pretending to be ghosts By putting a Duna Or blanket Over their head Yeah And we're going to need you to go

undercover. Undercover. And there's all these guys that meet up. Sort of looks like a Ku Klux Klan meeting. Yeah. But they're just all guys pretending to be ghosts. Are you sure? And they're scaring strangers.

You're scaring me. You're scaring me. Stop it. You're scaring me. Stop it. You're scaring me. You're scaring me. Stop it. You're scaring me. Stop it. You're scaring me. Stand back. Alright. I know there's a person under there.

I don't like what you're doing. To be honest, I'm scared. Okay. I don't know where this is going. My dogs will bite you. I'm just imagining somebody walking their dog. Yeah. Who were you when you were saying,

I'm scared, you're scaring me? I was me you were just you yeah were you walking past the people all pretending to be ghosts i think i was walking towards them towards them yeah it was quite an aggressive i was an aggressive afraid person yeah that's i'm terrified yeah you see that was counterintuitive no wonder they were sort of continuing to approach you because you were approaching them. They probably didn't really know that they probably didn't take you seriously when you were saying you're scaring me. Do you think that's a possibility? Probably. Yeah. Okay. What can you do in self-defense, Alistair? Self-defense? What about shelf defense? No. no and let's say no okay you're right i

gotta start i was talking about self-defense you're right we're in a self-defense class yeah okay um so it's a it's a self-defense class uh and the instructor, he puts you in a scenario where you're about to get mugged by someone. Okay. Okay. But whenever, but he over explains everything, maybe. He's like, okay, this guy comes up behind you, he's got a knife, and he gets it out and he puts it to your neck. Okay. Okay.

And. So he's standing behind me? Yep. So he's just going to come up behind you. He's going to put the knife to your neck and, um... Is it sort of blade towards my neck? Or is it sort of the fatter bit of the knife up against my neck? Like, just so he doesn't accidentally cut me? Well, he doesn't have a real...

Sorry, I'm confused. But when I say he's over-explaining everything, I think he gets caught up in the story or something and he has too much sympathy for the guy. I just didn't think you were explaining enough. Yeah, I wasn't explaining it at all. I was under-explaining, to be perfectly honest. For a man who was over-explaining.

Claiming to be over-explaining things. Yes, you're right. I was light on the explanation. You're right to pick me up on that. We're back in. We're back in, and you're back in the scene. Okay? So he's...

Okay, now the guy comes up behind you. He's desperately hungry. Why? I mean, don't blame the guy. He's had a terrible life. His mother walked out on him before he was born. Oh, that's true. And his dad, well, he never knew his dad.

Oh. Okay. Which is a pity because his dad's a great bloke. Yeah, okay. And I know him well. Oh. Okay. And this kid, you know, he's done the best he can,

but he's just down on his luck. Okay. His dog just died. Okay. Okay. It was a Shih Tzu. Oh, okay.. Okay. Okay? It was a Shih Tzu. Oh, okay. Alright? A beautiful little Shih Tzu. Yeah, alright. And I'm

just trying to paint the scene, because it's good to be prepared. Okay? It's good, the realism. Okay? A lot of times, because you don't want to be shocked by some sort of unexpected, you know, turn of events. Yes. Alright? And he puts the... Look, to be honest, just give him the money. I mean, the guy's having a... No, that's not funny at all.

Oh, okay. So I'm like... So I'm like... Should I... What, I'll kick him? Oh, just... Look, it's more trouble than it's worth to... To defend yourself.

You can't... I mean, he's... He's going to mug someone eventually anyway, isn't he? Listen, anyone will tell you the best idea is to just give him all your money. Give him all your money. Just give him all your money. Yeah. Go to, offer him everything you've got. Give him everything.

Okay? And then some. Yeah. You know? If you could do, say you'll work for him. Okay, and then some. Yeah. If you could do, say you'll work for him.

You'll set up a small business for him, and then you'll build it up for 25 years, and then once you're ready to retire, hand it over to him. That's another strategy. You're walking down an alleyway, okay, and a mugger comes up behind you. Now, okay, what do you do? Do I put my hands up to cover my face? No. You shouldn't have been walking down an alley in the first place. What the fuck were you doing walking down an alley, you idiot?

All right, you're lost over. Okay, so you shouldn't have been walking down an alleyway. There you go. It's over for you. All right, you've already stuffed up. Sorry, mate. Okay, next scenario, okay? You've stopped at the traffic lights.

What do they say? The best defense is not walking in an alleyway. There you go. Okay, just be prepared. All You've stopped at the traffic lights. What do they say? The best defense is not walking in an alleyway. There you go. Okay, just be prepared. All right, back at the traffic lights. So I'm not going to be able to work with this if you're going to make these kind of fundamental mistakes. We get students like this who come here who don't know anything,

and I'm embarrassed to teach you. Okay, so next scenario. You're at the traffic lights, okay? You pull up. Yep. All right, mugger jumps into the passenger seat. Okay, what do you do okay what does he do um do i um do i do i put on the handbrake and and step out of the car

mate mate what were you doing driving through that area don't drive through that okay you know it's a bad area there's all sorts of you're asking for it okay driving a nice car like did you ask for it did he did he just ask for it because that's the guy's asking for it? Did he just ask for it? Because that's the worst thing. The guy's asking for it. If you go in there and you're asking, he's saying, hey, can you mug me? You might as well. You might as well walk around. Okay, you're walking around with a sign on your back that says mug me. Mug me. All right?

There's a scenario for you. This seems like something you'd do. Yeah, classic you. Mr. walking down alley, stop at traffic lights in bad areas kind of guy. Don't know a thing about that. Sign on your back that says mug me. What do you do? It's not the kind of sign you'd wear in an area like that.

No, it's a bad area. I usually say, if you're going to wear a sign, probably something like, I deal out beatings to people who try to mug me, so don't do it. There you go. It'll be really dangerous to your health.

All right. So, basic stuff. Basic stuff. I'll see you next week. Thanks for coming, buddy. Thanks. Yeah. I like shelf I'll see you next week. Thanks for coming on, buddy. Thanks. Yeah. I like shelf defense.

That was pretty good. Yeah? You like shelf defense? What about shelf-ish defense? Okay. Oh, that's getting weirder. Yeah. All right.

So, you know, okay, I found out this, apparently, there's like a skin rejuvenation place near where I work. Yeah. Right? Apparently, there's like a skin rejuvenation place near where I work. Yeah. And this part here, you know, where your cheeks end and your sort of nose and stuff and mouth begin. Apparently, that's called the nasolabial area. Really? Nasolabial.

Is it because labia is like Latin for lips or something? Is that what that is? No, I reckon it's not the lips. I reckon it's the big floppy cheek. Yeah, it's your jowls. The big floppy cheek jowls. Yeah, because they're vagina. I think it's probably the lips. Vagina jowls.

Vagina jowls. That's kind of what they're supposed to be. When you're a regular labia. You're vajowls. Yeah, you're vajowls. Vajowl jowls. When you're a regular labias. You're vajals. Yeah, you're vajals. What about someone who vajasals their nasolabial area? Yeah, or also just your head. Or a beard.

Any orifice, they vajasal it. Okay, it's a... Even vajasaling your lips kind of seems like... All right. Okay, we're here. Thanks for coming to the first annual vajazzling conference. At the moment, we're talking about opening up new markets, okay? Or marketing to new openings is another way of looking at it. I hope it's okay if I just interject there for a second.

Absolutely. All right. What we're bringing to you guys, we're going to revolutionize the world of vajazzling, right? What we're thinking is the masco vajazzling. Yes. Okay? There's 50% of the market that we're just not targeting.

Why? Okay? Why? Why do we go limiting ourselves like this? Okay? Why do we go out there and we say, hey guys, and we're not even talking to the guys? Sorry, I'm going to interject one more time.

Now what we're thinking is we're going to use the same techniques that cigarette companies used on women back in the 1920s or 30s or 40s or whenever they started targeting women. Sure. Is that vajazzling is empowering to men. That's what we're going to make it. It shows your independence. It shows you're not tied down to, you're an independent man.

Absolutely. You're a go-getter, okay? You're in charge of your own sexuality. Yeah. Okay? And you're not afraid of who you are and to show off who you are. And who you are is a guy who's vajazzled his man. Okay. You're a guy who's got all these little gemstones all over his head and face, right?

Because that's where we're putting them, all right? We're putting them on the head, we're putting them on the face, okay? Around the nipples? A little bit of something extra, okay? Just get rid of all that unsightly hair. Now. Right? Great, okay? We've just doubled your market share, okay? How about this? What about this?

That little area in the bottom part of your back, but above your ass, just here, right? That part, little triangle, right? Like a tramp stamp, but for guys. And not with ink, but with jewels. Jewels. Very cheap jewels.

Then stick on. You know what's classy? Cheap jewels on your ass. Above your ass. Nothing says class like jewels on your ass. That's the slogan we're going with. Anywhere where there be hair, over the ass, covering the legs,

the little bit near the bottom of the toes, sometimes in the middle of the top of the foot, down the ankles, the back of the toes. Right? All that. Right? Sometimes, ooh, in the middle of the top of the foot. Hold down back, down the ankles, the back of your legs.

That's the body done. Okay, yes. Alright? Now, let's think outside the square. Right. Where else do you find hair?

Okay? Plug hole. Okay? Food. Yes. In old, in old photo albums, stuck to the adhesive part. Yeah, okay. So you just get to put some jewels around that, okay?

And just draw the eye, okay? Just add a little something. The plug hole, okay? The hair collects there after a shower. Just pop a couple of jewels around, okay? Now, pets. How about this, okay? Pets. Sometimes human. Now, pets. How about this? Okay. Pets.

Sometimes human hair lands on pets. We'll accept usually it's the other way around, but it's a two-way street. The thing is, Labradors hate getting human hair on them and on their beds. All right. But you can turn that downside into a plus. Okay. Vajazzle that. Vajazzle that Labrador.

The Labrador. All right. But also the Labiodor. Okay. A lot of people don't realize is that animal hair is not that different from human hair. Okay. So anywhere animal hair gets, okay, that's prime territory for vajazzling. So rugs.

Couches. Couches. Right. All board game boxes. Down the corner behind the entertainment unit. Yes, and computer desks. You can vajazzle that. Just a line of cubic zirconia, just all the way along.

And now, and the goldmine for this is cat's throats. They're going to be coughing up little balls of vajazzles. Okay. And look, this is simple. You just chuck it in the food. They eat that. They vajazzle them themselves. They're self-vajazzling.

That's the amazing thing about the cat system. Cat self-vajazzle balls. And they'll bring that back up, and then it's just little balls of joy. Oh. Okay. Imagine bringing home a girl to that. You know how empowered she thinks you're going to be? Every inch of your life, okay?

Every inch. Just that, just a wrecking, you know, take off your underwear, you'll just have that wrecking ball of jewels. Just dangling there. And just swing, swing that wrecking ball of jewels. All right. Masco. Vajazzling. And it just gets out of hand.

It just goes everywhere. Every nook and cranny, okay? Every corner of your life can be a center of empowerment. Up the walls of showers. Yes. You know? On the soap. On the soap.

On the... Remember the toilet bowl? I don't know why we took it to the idea... Like, anywhere that's hairy? Anywhere that... I don't know why you came up with the idea. Because isn't that where vajazzling is? They remove the pubic hair and they put jewels there.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I like that you went into this not really knowing what vajazzling is. I had no idea. Yeah, that's great. At all. Okay, well, I don't know. I didn't realize it was like a hair substitute.

Well, it'd be weird amongst the hair. Like bald guys could vajazzle their bald heads. Yeah. Bald heads. But they could also vajazzle it in a receding hairline kind of way. Yeah. You've got to comb over, vajazzle. Yeah, I've got a receding vajazzle line.

Yeah. Right. Politics. Politics, yeah. Let's talk about politics. Okay. What's your point of view on the current asylum seeker crisis? The current one?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well, I had a lot. I'd prepared a lot of my notes on past asylum seeker things, plights. Right, okay. So which ones in particular? Right, okay, so which ones in particular? A lot of stuff about Hebrew migration during the Egyptian period.

Can I change the subject completely? All right. The gold rush, right? Let's talk gold rush. Yep. Okay. Why were people in such a hurry to get the gold? What's the rush?

Okay. What about the gold? Take your time. Okay, sorry. Come on, guys. There's no need to run. Okay? Don't run around mines. Someone's going to fall down.

There's going to be all sorts of accidents. No wonder so many of you guys are dying. Guys, calm down. No. But, all right. This gold's not going anywhere. It's non-perishable. All right?

This is the one thing we know about gold. The gold will still be there in 10 years, in 10 years. You guys have travelled a long way to get here. Okay, put your feet up. Yeah. All right. Everybody chill out. I'm sure no one's going to steal your gold.

Okay, we're all honest. Okay? Here in this land of convicts. In this land of no laws. Yes. There's still a code. Anyway, I like the idea that in the modern day, because in the gold rush era,

you would just find a little bit of gold on the ground, and then you'd be like, gold, and everyone would rush over and look for more gold. I like the idea that somebody finds $2 on the ground, and they're like, oh, $2. And pretty soon there's like a gold rush, and this little shantytown builds up around where they found the $2 coin. And all these pioneering folk come in on horse and cart,

and they're panning in the gutters trying to find more $2 coins and stuff like that. And Melbourne has a new gold rush based around finding $2 coins. But then later on it turns out that there's a guy who just runs like a local pie shop or something

like that who's really profiting from this keeps occasionally leaving a $0. cent piece and a and a five dollar note in different places to just keep the speculation going yeah keep the and then and then in the end it was all just a big scam to sell more pie meat but i think that's a good idea yeah yeah modern day gold rush based around finding two dollar coins and i like the idea that they're all um they're all uh olden day folk like for some reason that's just what a gold rush looks like and and maybe you see all these people like because when there was a gold rush all these

people like left their jobs like farmers walked off their farms and went to search for gold people left good jobs in the city like as an accountant or whatever. And I like the idea that like modern day, like an accountant will just put down his whatever, his tools, his pick. CEOs of companies. Yeah, and they put on overalls and get like an old hat and get on a horse

and ride off to search for gold. And there's a, yeah. There's nobody finds just like a $5 note under a rock. Yeah. And we could film it at Sovereign Hill. Oh, my God. There you go. Well, that's great.

It ties up. It's not often that you get a sketch with a location built in. That's great, yeah. I mean, there's probably a few old gold mining towns you could still... You know, old-timey towns are kind of like... They're a dime a dozen. They're a dime a dozen these days. They're everywhere.

There's only a way we could turn old-timey towns into gold. Into gold. Yeah. If there was like... I mean, if you found an old-timey town, who knows if there might be other ones around that area. Yeah. Where there's a gold rush, there's more smaller gold rushes. I thought this was a good idea today, but I don't know if it didn't really go that way.

I tweeted it, but this was part of my job today. Sorry I keep referring to me having a job. This is very rare that I have a job. You've got a job. Get out of here. The joke was about these... So there's apparently all these breakfast drinks, like Up and Go and stuff like that,

which claim to have lots of protein and... Okay. Lots of protein and lots of fiber in them. Yeah. They actually have just lots of sort of protein and and okay lots of protein and lots of lots of lots of fiber in them yeah right they actually have just shit loads of sugar and they're just like they're just like they don't even pretty much have any protein or um or fiber in them at all um anyway but i made the joke uh but hey these people at sanitarium or at Up and Go or whatever are really busy. They don't have time to make breakfast drinks for all of us. And I thought that would go way better.

Yeah, that is really good. Yeah. I don't know how to turn that into a sketch. Some homework for the listener. Yeah, I guess that'll be some homework from the listener. Find out how to turn that into a sketch. Some homework for the listener. Yeah, I guess that'll be some homework for the listener. Find out how to turn that into a sketch.

Okay, so... So I guess we've got to... Get back to us next week. Look, we actually have already got five sketches. We've got five sketches and I've got to go. Andy's got to go.

Yep, I've just got a word. Where are you going to go? Somebody's found a two dollar coin. Yeah? Oh, wait. I'm going to wrap that back into the thing.

Wrap it back in. Yeah, that's great. Okay, so just go over. We've got putting down Alfred. Putting down Alfred. Which was a good one. Yeah. We've got organ harvester negotiating with a guy for organ.

I think it's more the guy negotiating with the organ harvester to sell him his organ. Yeah. Because I think you're in a bad position if you're like, look, I don't need this money. I'm just doing it for you. Yeah. Okay. Military industrial complex. It was just lying around.

Yeah. The military industrial complex mechanically recovers hope from the... And the bloke's like, look, I'll take it off your hands, mate. I'll come around and I'll pick it up myself. I mean, it's barely worth the petrol money for me. Yeah. Oh, come on, mate. You've got to give me something.

And the sentence salesman. So that's what that was. The mask over jazz me. Yeah. Oh, come on, mate. You've got to give me something. And then there's the sentence salesman, so that's what that was. The mask over jazzling. Yep. And the gold rush based on finding $2 coin. And it's all old-timey people. Fantastic. And they build a town around it.

Anyway, so thanks a lot for coming. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats, but iced tea and ice cream. Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.