U Talkin’ U2 To Me? - R U Talkin' R.E.M. RE: ME? - Christmas Fan Club Singles

Episode Date: December 19, 2018

Adam Scott Aukerman give listeners the gift of a new episode in which they discuss R.E.M.’s Christmas Fan Club Singles. Plus, Scott and Scott talk about treasured Christmas memories.

from chronic to collapse town and into now respectively that is this is are you talking rem reme and into now, respectively, that is. This is Are You Talking? R.E.M. Remy. Special Christmas edition. The comprehensive and encyclopedia compendium of all things R.E.M. This is good rock and roll music. Welcome back.

Yeah. Did you hear Santa? You know. During that song? I heard something. I was going to ask you. What did you hear? I heard like a super fat man.

You can tell by his voice because it was like, ho, ho, ho. Oh, okay, okay. He was like super fat. Okay. And he was saying the previously aforementioned ho, ho, ho. Oh, okay, okay. He was like super fat. Okay. And he was saying the previously aforementioned ho, ho, ho. Okay, now that is something that I associate with Santa Claus. Yes, but not only the words, but the- Shut up for just one second.

When that is followed up by a hearty Merry Christmas, then I'm like, oh, that's Santa Claus. That's the real tip off to me is like, a lot of people, then I'm like, oh, that's Santa Claus. That's the real tip-off to me. Yeah. It's like, you know, a lot of people can walk around saying like, ho, ho, ho, you hear it every day. Where's the bathroom?

Oh, oh, oh. Speaking of which, what do you think Santa's shits look like? And does he talk about like dropping presents off when he does it? I think they look like and does he talk about like dropping presents off when he i think they look like perfectly wrapped gifts that would be the dream to me because you you know i think shitting is the worst part of life you know what i mean this that you thought this i just i don't i

well like why do we have to do it yeah it's you know what i mean it's terrible it's disgusting. You know what I mean? It's terrible. It's awful. Why? I don't understand. And everyone, every single person has to lay one out there every once in a while. I read an article recently about an animal that does perfectly formed cubes. Yeah. I like this animal. And I forgot which animal it is, but they studied. They didn't know why it happened. And so they murdered one ritualistically and split it open.

Look at its entrails. Does it smear its blood upon the walls? In a pentagram. Yes, it is real. I forget which animal it is, but they tore it open. Yep. But they tore it open and took a look at its colon and everything and formed a hypothesis about why it forms cubes of shits like no other animal does. And what was the aforementioned hypothesis? It has something to do with the nutrients and the fact that it doesn't need a lot of water to survive in its environment. And so the water

gets drained out of it. And then as it passes through the colon, it's like draining this water and for some reason turns it into just perfectly six-sided cubes. Okay. So they're like, oh, nutrients, water. All right. Throw the carcass in the garbage. Let's move on. Glad we killed that thing. You know what? What creature is it? That's what I'm curious about. Okay, let me try to look it up. Can you waste time while I do it?

Is it a human being? But that's my point. Put a little bow on that and paint some gift wrapping on it. You know, I was thinking, following the line of logic we were following earlier, if I may. Sure. Santa Claus' shit's looking like perfectly wombats i think wombats shit yep wombat cubes wombats huh wombats wait say that one more time wombats okay um yeah they do okay and this was this was in an article I read.

Yep, yep. So instead of, if someone's telling you to turn the music down, instead of calling them a square, you can call them a wombat shit. I guess so. How often does that happen to you, by the way? Oh, my God, all the time. You're being a real square. Naomi's like, hey, could you possibly turn this REM off?

Could you stop dozing off at 9.30? Oh, man, 8 o'clock for me last night. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Of course, I was up. I actually prepped for this show at approximately between 3 and 5 a.m. This show? And then went back to sleep, yes.

Wow. This particular episode. I didn't prep for it because I didn't know it was happening. Yeah, well, that, you know, I mean, you're here. Par for the course. A little bit. A little bit.

So, hold on a second. I want to go back to- I'd love to play you like a golf course, by the way. By the way, Adam Scott is here. Hello. What? Santa Claus shitting perfectly right presents. So, is that why when you come down the stairs

in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, he's taking a shit at the bottom of your tree? That's why he's drinking all the milk and eating all the cookies. Yep. Now, what if presents were shit, were Santa shit, but they were still presents? Like you opened them and in the box? You opened them in the box. There was whatever you wanted, but you knew that they were his shit.

Oh, it actually derived from his feces. Yes, exactly. Would you be like, you know what? It's kind of gross the way it came, but you know, I'm not complaining. This is exactly what I wanted for Christmas. As long as it was that special Playmobil action tea set, I think I would be fine.

Oh, wait, I know this one. The Playmobil special action tea set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All the kids, at least this year, are just going nuts for it. Oh, man, they want that action tea set. You know Black Friday?

Mm-hmm. The day after Thanksgiving. Yeah, I remember that. People go crazy. They go shopping. Sure. Biggest shopping day, as far as I'm concerned, of the year.

I think you're probably right about that. I think a lot of people go shopping that day. Yeah. I feel like it's not something people talk about that much, especially around this time of year right before Thanksgiving. People aren't really

talking about Black Friday. I feel like people have all forgotten about Black Friday by this point of the year. You know, I mean, we're like Christmas is right around the corner. What about Black Friday?

Yeah, let's get, you know what? The left and their bullshit about not saying Black Friday. Oh, the liberal loonies. Come on. Merry Christmas. What did you used to call him?

Barack Hussein Obamacare? I believe I did. Him and all his cronies. Oh, those Black Friday. Cronies. Hey, hey, hey. By the way, my name is Scott Aukerman. Welcome back to the show.

Adam over here is wearing, look at this T-shirt. I love it. It looks to be, first of all, we have David Letterman. Yeah. I know you guys can't see it, so I'm going to describe it. It's four heads with a little bit about, you know how when you draw someone, sometimes you'll include, you got to include the neck. Well, this is what I call the bust. The bust.

Exactly. Isn't it ironic? Yeah, yeah. That the bust doesn't include those booby parts. It is ironic. It's one of the great ironies. One of the great ones. I mean, there are, how many great ones are there?

I think there's probably three great ironies. On the, is this an episode of there are probably three great ironies? I think it might be. It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride. Hey, everyone. Welcome to What Is It? There Are Probably Three Great Ironies.

Welcome to the show. This is Scott. This is Scott. And welcome to the show. I said that before. And we're talking about, I've been trying to come up with mount rushmore until now and all i could think of was mission impossible yeah well the reason that is number two of the world's great ironies by the way yeah i was gonna say on the on the mount rushmore of the world's great ironies

there is the one that we mentioned first which was which was i don't even i'm drawing a blank but the second one that's one of the that's number three that i'm drawing a blank but the second one but that's one of the that's number three that I'm drawing a blank on that but you're drawing a blank when it's one of the it's the number one world's greatest irony

let's throw that up on Mount Rushmore on Mission Impossible itself so Mission Impossible is number two that's number two so that is

how do we represent that on Mount Rushmore Tom Cruise Tom Cruise oh come on Jack Reacher himself yeah Jack Reacher stars in Mission Impossible.

Wouldn't that be great if Jack Reacher were real and he was like, you know what? I'm tired of kicking ass and taking names. Yeah. I just want to act. Yeah. I just want to be in movies. I want to be in one of those Mission Impossible movies. So they were like, you know what, Jack?

Tom broke his ankle on Mission Impossible Fallout. We need a body double for him. Sure. You look exactly like him. Yeah. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, you're an exact match. Yeah. Come on here and star in the Mission Impossible movies.

So the next Mission Impossible, it would say Tom Cruise and Jack Reacher starring as Ethan Hunt. Is that his name? In the Mission Impossible? Yeah. Ethan Hunt? Ethan Hunt. Is that his name in Mission Impossible? Yeah. Ethan Hunt? Ethan Hunt. So that's like Jack Reacher. He is always reaching for guns and reaching for people's necks.

And then Ethan Hunt is out there hunting for impossible missions. Bad guys. What the fuck? Well, listen. And Tom Cruise is cruising around out there on his little motorbike. With those sunnies sitting up on his nose. Oh my gosh, those sunnies. Love it.

The risky businessman himself. Did you see Fallout? I did. I love that movie very much. Oh yeah? It's great. Would you kiss it? Fallout.

Yeah, it's great. Probably one of the best series of, is this I Love Films? Wait, first of all, we need to wrap up our episode. No, we'll wrap it up later, but I think this is I Love Films. Hey everyone, welcome to I Love Films. This is Scott.

And this is Scott. We're talking about great franchises. Franchises, and we're talking- We're not talking about Dairy Queen. No, no, no. We're not talking about Burger King. By the way, have you ever thought about this? Dairy Queen and Burger King are like the royalty of fast food.

The royalty of fast food. And then Donut Prince. That's really funny. And then Princess Salad. Yeah, and then the Duke of- The Jester of Rolls and Breads. Yeah, the Duke of Green Beans. So, franchises, though.

And we're talking about movies, popcorn movies. Movies, of course. Sure, we like them just like anybody else. Look, we know we like films. It's in the title. Everyone knows. Although I think this is I Love movies, popcorn movies. Movies, of course. Sure, we like them just like anybody else. Look, we know we like films. It's in the title. Everyone knows. Although I think this is I Love Film, not films. But look, it's in the title.

And is this an episode of I Actually Really Like Movies? I think it is. And just like the movies, we play out our last scene. Hey, everyone. We play out our last scene Hey everyone, welcome to I Actually Really Like Movies This is Scott And this is Scott I forget the title sometimes But you know what?

I actually really like movies Me too Okay, thanks, bye Bye And just like the movies We play out our last scene. Anyway, franchises. Franchises.

And Mission Imposs. M-I, M colon I. Is so good. It's one of the best franchises in cinema history. Consistent. And as far as I'm concerned, there's been like five, six of them. I don't even know. Okay, let's count them.

That's how consistent it is. Let's count them. Okay, you got number one, Mission Impossible. Number two. Number two. Number three. Number three. Number four. Wait, three is, okay, three. Then four. Then you got number four.

Then you got number five. Five. Then you got number six. Okay, so number six. There's six of them. I think there's six. Six. Yeah. Let's count those down again. Okay, you got number one. There's six of them. I think there's six. Six. Let's count those down again. Okay, you got number one. Number two. Number four. Oh, yeah, three.

I'm sorry, I skipped three. Three, three, three. Number four. No, three. Three, yes. Wait, let's start over. Okay, number one. One. Three. Two. Wait. No. I love three so much. Three is great. The J.J. Abrams one. I keep wanting to get to it. It's really fun. Is that what it is? Do you want to skip over the John Woo one? Is that what you... That's kind of what I'm getting. Did he make one with John Woo? He made the second The J.J. Abrams one. It's really fun. Is that what it is? Do you want to skip over the John Woo one? Is that what you...

That's kind of what I'm getting. Did he make one with John Woo? He made the second one, John Woo. Number two? Uh-huh. That's John Woo. John Woo? Brian De Palma.

John Woo? John Woo. Woo's on first. That's classic. You really got me there. That's from a classic film called Abbott and Costello Do Whatever It Is They Did. Yeah. Abbott and Costello Do Whatever It Is They Did. Yeah. Abbott and Costello Do Whatever It Is They Did is another classic.

A classic film. And I would call that a film. That's a film. That to me, that's, you know what? It may have started out as a movie, like entertaining the masses. Ha ha ha. Selling some tickets. Look at this guy, yell at this fat guy.

Blah, blah, blah. But it turned into a film. And that's what time plus movie equals film film time plus movie equals film anyway

uh uh Mission Impossible is great alright see you bye so good bye um and uh

we gotta wrap up this show as well yeah what was it called? Great Ironies? This one was called, I think there might be three great ironies. Okay, bye. It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride.

Anyway, back to this t-shirt. We got David Letterman. The bust of David Letterman. Oh, that's what that irony was. We got to get back into the... Yeah, let's get back into the show. It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride.

Hey, welcome to I Think There Are Three Great Ironies. This is Scott. And this is Scott. And isn't it ironic that the first of the three great ironies is that when you look at a bust, don't got them boobies. Yeah, there are no boobs in the bust. And so you got to, it makes, at least it makes me wonder, where did that expression come from? Where did that expression come from? It's definitely not the bust.

Not the bust. So we'll never know. We'll never know. Bye. Bye. It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride. So you got Letterman.

Yeah. You got, and by the way, it looks, it almost looks as if Crumb drew one of these, but. Which one looks like Crumb to you? Five o'clock. Five. Bottom right. This guy? No, bottom right. guy no bottom right yeah bottom right is your camera right yeah um that looks like crumb drew him but that's a bit of a crumb vibe to all of it but i would say all of it because letterman doesn't look like okay let me describe

it you have four faces four busts that's right you got lettermanman. David Letterman. Top left. David Letterman. You got Larry Bud Melman, top right. Pee Wee Herman, bottom left. And then, oh, that's Paul Schaefer. Yeah. Bottom right. But that's like 70s Paul Schaefer or early 80s Paul Schaefer. Early 80s, yeah. So who drew these?

This t-shirt is a David Letterman fan club T-shirt from 1983 or 84. I got it on eBay. Crazy. I know. It's awesome, right? And you're wearing it. I wear it every once in a while. I am starting to have –

On your body, on your torso. I need to hand wash it because it's starting to disintegrate. Yeah. Yeah. Because of the dirt on your body or – Yeah. The dirt on my body is so putrid and toxic. You're like Hollywood's pig pen.

I've always said. This t-shirt disintegrates every time I wear it and I have to rebuild it in a bucket of warm water. I wish you would disintegrate around those nips. Oh, I can just show you my nips. Yeah, go ahead. Let's turn the cameras off. Adam's gonna show me his nips. Turn off the lights. turn the cameras off. Adam's gonna show me his nips.

Turn off the lights. Turn off the lights. Scott, put your night vision goggles on. Okay. Okay. Lights off. Here we go. Okay, turn the lights back on.

Cameras back on if you want. Cameras back on, yeah, if you want, yeah Those nips were What'd you think? They were really great, congratulations You're welcome We're gonna be, by the way, welcome to a very special If you didn't realize it by now, with Santa.

The Santa Disney. Ho-ho-ho-ing away over our theme song. But this is a very special holiday-themed episode of Are You Talking? R.E.M. Remy. Remy. We've talked about it. This is our last episode of the year we've talked about it for several months now how we were saving those Christmas fan club singles

until our holiday episode and here we are you know what's fun what is that we were going for a while this year

in a lot of ways it was the year of are you talking R.E.M. Remy in a lot of ways it truly was and I wish more best of lists, not about podcasts generally,

but about anything. Just we're talking about how it is the year of Are You Talking R.E.M. Remi. What if you and I shared person of the year on Time Magazine? Because of this podcast. And the picture on the cover was you and I both holding the cover of the magazine and fighting over it.

That's right. Or like me trying to give it to you and then swooping it away. That's right. Like our t-shirt on sale now at podswag.com. You just stuffing those plugs in there. Stuffing those plugs. You love stuffing plugs. I love stuffing plugs.

So what if, though? What if? I really, you know, look, in a lot of ways, it was the year of Are You Talking to R.E.M., Remy. Pretty much all other podcasts sort of fell away. Well, because the show debuted, I believe, in February. Somewhere around there, yeah. February, March, I can't recall. Okay.

And now we stopped for a while. I can't recall. Okay. And now we stopped for a while. I don't recall. Oh, is that Bill Clinton? I don't recall having sexual relations with that woman. Oh my God. It depends on what the definition of is is. I remember that. I remember that. Ho, ho, ho. Where's the bathroom? Wait, was that President Clinton or was that? That was President Clinton saying what we all say every day. Ho, ho, ho, where's the bathroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I forget what we were talking about.

You were talking about this is the year of, are you talking R.E.M., my dear lad? It is in a lot of ways because we debuted this year. And then also we took this long break. Not long enough as far as I'm concerned. And then we came back and now we're on episode, what, three again? I believe... Just kind of a recap of our productivity. I believe we put out 31 episodes this year, which is not bad.

That's very good. I mean, not of this show. Between this and our U2 show, we did 31 episodes. But pretty good. That was almost a weekly show. We took 21 weeks off how many two eps did we do uh you two eps i believe i don't know we did four maybe huh um and then uh we did a stained glass oh yeah yeah and uh then uh a bunch of this show so yeah

so uh you can't accuse us of slacking no you know what i mean no you can't accuse us of slacking. No. You know what I mean? No, you can't. Were you a slacker? Like, you know what I mean? In the 90s, were you like a typical flannel wearing, you know, Gen Xer? Yeah, I think I definitely adopted the wardrobe. Did you have like the flannel with the lumberjack shirts over it and the caps,

the beanies and all that? Wait, isn't a flannel, isn't that a lumberjack shirt? I thought a flannel, or maybe I'm thinking a long underwear.

You know, what's the long underwear? Yeah, I guess you're right. Flannel is the lumberjack shirt. You know what I'm talking, the like long underwear with the flannel over it.

Sometimes you call it, don't you call long underwear, is this an episode of what do you call long underwear? Is this an episode of What Do You Call Long Underwear? Yeah. A pretty girl in her underwear. A pretty girl in her underwear. Hey everyone, welcome to What Do You Call Long Underwear. This is Scott.

And this is Scott. And we're just talking about what we call long underwear. Because I think you were thinking maybe it was called flannel? I thought some people call them flannels. Like, put on your flannel underwear. Oh yeah, you're right. Don't you think? Flannel, no, flannel underwear, flannel.

I'm gonna look it up. It's like pajama bottoms that are like flannel shirts. Let me look up flannel underwear. Isn't it just like a flannel material made into pajamas? I got some images here. Let's see. Let's see what you got. I got, ooh, look at that.

Let me check this one out. Jeez. Ooh. This is getting me a little bit Ooh. Is that what you meant? Is that what you meant by flannel underwear? I guess not. Okay. I always thought, well, I guess, you know,

from like reading Little House on the Prairie and stuff, it's like, did you bring your flannels? Right. I always thought it was like underwear, but all right. Well, yeah, I wore flannel shirts and stuff. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye.

A pretty girl in her underwear. A pretty girl in her underwear. I think I always saw people walking around. Okay, I was going during the height of it And you were like, this is bullshit Well, during the height of it, I was in college And I was up in San Luis Obispo And I would see people walking around with it

And go, wow, how did they get that outfit together? Anytime any kind of new fashion thing happens And I see someone just like And when I say someone, I mean like a non-celebrity, like just a- A person. A non-com, a non-commissioned officer. Just a regular Joe on the street who doesn't have access to a stylist. A regular Jay.

Yeah, a regular Jay, an RJ. Yeah. When I see RJ- Regular Joe. When I see RDJ, Robert Downey Jr. Yeah. a joe when i see our dj robert downey jr yeah walking down the street um but wearing a perfect outfit that looks just like a rock something a rock star wears or whatever i'm always like how did they get that outfit together yeah you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah what they did did they

have to like did they find one thing at one store because i would here's what i like to do when i go shopping i like to go to one store yeah and I like to buy my wardrobe for the year. Get everything. Just get it all right then. Yeah. Is this an ad for something that you're like ramping up to? When I do it, when I do it. I don't think.

It sounds like a podcast ad. Do we have any ads for any clothing places that we can shoehorn into this? Not really, no. Because this conversation is heading in that direction. May as well get some cash. But you know what I mean? Like when I was a kid, there would be one time a year

that you would go out to get clothes. And you'd get your Tuffskins. Yep. You'd get your Levi's. You'd get everything. You'd go down to Mervin's. Yeah. And it would be like August,

the end of August. Yeah. And you'd get everything you needed for that year in one place. Sure. So to see – but to see – I don't think back then there were people who had like a grunge store where you could get every part of that outfit. It seemed to me like you would have to like walk around and go, okay, I'm going to get my long underwears here. Yeah, yeah. I would imagine you could go into Urban Outfitters

and just get everything. No, back then too. They had Urban Outfitters back then? For sure. It was in Santa Monica, I remember. I used to go out there. In the early 90s. I'm talking 91.

I'm talking like 94. Okay. I don't know how long Urban Outfitters is. Is this an episode of I'm Talking 94? Yeah. Anyone with everything Is this an episode of I'm Talking 94? Yeah. Hey everyone, welcome to I'm Talking 94. This is Scott.

And this is Scott. And what are we talking about? Well, I'm talking like 94. Oh, that's right. That's what, yeah, that is what we're talking about. What'd you do, yeah, what's going on in 94? 94 for me? Yep. Gee whiz.

Gee willikers. Let's see. Urban Outfitters founded in 1970. What? Can you believe it? No, I can't. The year I was born. Can you believe this?

Number of locations, 245 as of February when we started this podcast. Yeah. The year of Are You Talking to Harry and Remy. Number of employees, 25,000. Yeah, they're everywhere, right? They are everywhere. Subsidiaries, anthropology, free people. Should we be getting paid for this?

Anthropology is part of Urban Outfitters? I guess it's a subsidiary, yeah. It's like... I'm trying to think of any business that owns another business. It's like Instagram being part of Facebook. Or that German company, or that Swedish company that owned Los Pollos Hermanos. Oh, yes, of course. Yes. All right, bye.

Bye. With everything Anywhere With everything So, anyway, so when I would see someone wearing one of those perfect outfits, I'd just go like, I don't even know how I would do that. Like, say I wanted to dress like that. Yeah, you wouldn't even know where to start. The legwork of going to five different places to get, you know, a complete outfit.

Let me ask you this. Go for it. Back then, or even up to this very day we're living now, if someone walks up and walks in a room

and they're... So, rather than walking up, walks into a room, you corrected yourself. to where you are or walk. I don't know why you decided to get more specific at that point. You were like, someone walks up or walks into a room. Well, I was picturing you on the street and someone walking up to you.

But then I was like, well, that's like a stranger. You're talking about someone in a room. Oh, a stranger or someone you know. Okay, got it. Okay, let's say stranger. Let's say stranger. I don't know what's going on in your mind right now. Let's just get the hypothetical out.

Okay, it's a stranger. Let's say stranger because I want this to be you not knowing the person. Okay, I don't know the person. Good. I'm on board. But it's possible that friends of yours know this person. Okay? Okay.

So we could have mutual friends. We're in the same. We're in a city. You live in the same universe. Okay. Okay. Got it. This person.

Let me just ask you. If someone walks up to you and they have- On the street? Yeah. Or in a room. Someone I don't know, but someone who possibly knows someone I know? Or walks up to you from another room into the room you're in. Okay, got it.

And their outfit is super duper put together. It looks like they're, like you said, a rock star. They have a stylist. Yes, or going to a photo shoot. Are you immediately suspicious of this person? Sort of. It's that I'm suspicious and jealous at the same time. Like, oh, wow, I wish that I were that put together.

Yeah. But why are you trying so hard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, but at the same time, I also then say, oh, man, I should try harder. Uh-huh. You know, there have been certain years of my life where I was, like, trying for fashion. Yeah, like, I'm going to go for it.

I would say, like, 96. Uh-huh. 2001. No, I don't know. No, but, like, it usually involves, like, getting a little flush with cash. Like, you know what? I'm going to – okay. There was a time in my life where like shoes – I had a lot of shoes and I would get compliments from women on shoes and stuff.

And I think it also like coincided – Like cool sneakers? Not even sneakers. Like, you know, hard bottoms and stuff. Hard bottoms? What? Sneakers have soft bottoms, don't they? What? hard bottoms what sneakers have soft bottoms don't they what I've never heard

of shoes being referred to with soft and hard bottoms on their soft bottoms okay but but it also

coincided with me being single I feel like a lot of times you know what I mean sure you're a guy who seems like

well I mean you're an occasional person who acts on TV occasionally and a guy who seems like well i mean you're um uh an occasional person who acts on tv occasionally and a person who acts in movies occasionally um i wouldn't call you like uh a regular on either in either right right but but you almost have an image uh for anyone who cares that you have to maintain so you're a married man and you have, I've never met them, but children, I believe. But when you go out there in the public and if someone were to see you on the street

or someone were to come up to you, a stranger, or someone that you might have a mutual friend with and you were not looking your best, you would feel like, I can't walk out of the house right. I'm Adam Scott. Not really. I mean, this is sort of dressing down for you, but you-

Right now? Yeah. But you put in a lot of effort into this, in a way. Like you, it definitely, you know, you're wearing some nice shoes,

some hard bottoms. Well, are these hard? They look kind of soft. Well, let me touch them. Yeah. They're pretty soft. Those are pretty soft squeaky but um do you think about that do you ever like like you want to leave the house but you're in sweats and your hair's a mess and you're like i can't what if there's a photographer no have you ever been photographed on the street? Like standing outside my house? Yeah.

Have you – you've been interviewed by TMZ one would imagine. Yeah. Yeah. They're usually like at the airport. At the airport. Yeah, I was on TMZ recently and my hair was terrible. I'd just gotten off a flight. Yeah, so –

You always look like shit. Yeah, it's a real problem. It's a real bummer. This is a big problem in America. We need to attack this right away to figure this out. But you look great is what I'm trying to say. Oh, you too. That actually is a cool jacket just for the record.

Thank you. For the record, let the record reflect. Let the record show. Let the record show. We're going to be talking about R.E.M.'s Christmas singles on this show. So I'll tell you what. Why don't we take a break? Unfortunately, we don't have any clothing sponsors that we could have segued into.

It's kind of a bummer, but we'll take a break and see what we do have in terms of sponsors. How's that sound? Yeah. When we come back, we'll be talking Christmas. We will be right back with more Are You Talking R.E.M. Remy. Ho, ho, ho, ho, where's the bathroom? Hey, Adam, we have new shirts. What? New shirts in the store.

I love the shirts so far for Are You Talking R.E.M. Remy. What's this one? This one replicates, you know those shirts that have the two hands that are sort of intertwined coming from? Do I know those shirts? Yes, I know those shirts. Okay, the famous shirt. We did a take on it where it's our famous auxiliary cord trick yeah where it's uh one of us offering the auxiliary cord to the other and then pulling it away so our most famous visual gag from a podcast from a podcast that no one has seen it is just people have had to imagine it we now have a

drawing of it so if you want a t-shirt that you have to explain to every single person you come and that is every t-shirt yes but this one maybe even more maybe even more although i think most people would look at it and just go oh cool shirt yeah much like the other one the other ones you need like a full explanation you want a jet ski, yeah. But these are available now over at PodSwag. So they're available now. They just came out today. So head on over to PodSwag.com and you can get those shirts, some of our previous shirts. I think we still have shirts available from our previous shirts.

Go check them out and be the first on your block and probably only person on your block to wear one of these and have to constantly explain it to all of your friends. Have fun with that. PodSwag.com. Bye. Welcome back. Are you talking to R.E.M.? Remy. Remy.

Remy Zero. We had a big Remy Zero. Yeah. We had a big Remi Zero. Yeah. We had a big Remi Zero chat. Talk into that thing. Forgot about the microphone. A few Epps back. Yeah, we did.

Yeah, you were really into him. I saw him open for Travis, and then we talked about Travis and how much we liked him. A little recap of a previous Epp here. Love it. I love doing that. If you haven't heard that one, go back and check it out. It's called the Travis Remy Zero episode. We should do a best of of this show.

I mean, considering it was the podcasting event of 2018. Well, yeah, we should do an episode where we do commentary over the first episode. Didn't we do that? We already did that. No, but I mean, we should do it again. Okay. Since we did it for the U2 show. Sure, sure.

Welcome back. We're talking about REM as we have been all year for several weeks. And we're going to be discussing the Christmas songs that REM put out on their Christmas singles throughout the years. Before we do that, I want to say thank you to some people who wrote it. I missed some of these on one of our previous episodes, and I had a pile of mail sitting there, so I want to thank Alex. On Twitter, he's at SimOftW or something. SimOftW, I don't know.

But he sent us this really nice bootleg concert from 1988. Oh, can I see? 89, sorry. There you go. I also want to thank Kevin and Gwen Williams, Lindsay Cuba, Andrew DePotter, Robert Cullenkeel, Brian Campain, Matt Lubins, Chris Overpeck, Nick Williams. Thanks for all your mail. Appreciate it. I should clear my throat during the break, shouldn't I?

This is weird. You should eat your bar before. This bootleg is only half a concert. Yeah, well, I would imagine only half a show would fit on one record. This is cool, though. Yeah, you want I would imagine only half a show would fit on one record. This is cool, though. Yeah. You want it? I do.

I wish I— Well, I guess I can— Do you need a turntable hookup? I have a turntable. It's just not the kind that is awesome. Do you want an awesome— Yeah. Look, that's what I should have said originally.

Do you need an awesome turntable hookup? Yeah. Why, you have a turntable person? No, but I'm saying someone out there must have some sort of hookup for us, some company. Yeah, that would be. All the stuff that gets sent to us, we should get a turntable.

Naomi got me a turntable for like a, I think it was a birthday gift. And it was kind of one of those- Say it's a Christmas gift. Oh, Christmas. Because it'll fit into this episode a little better. Remember those ones that you can put the lid down and carry? Yeah, that's the one I have, yeah.

So it's one of those, and it said on it, it says, Bluetooth enabled. Thinking that you could play a record- You could play a record and broadcast it to your Bluetooth speakers or something? To your Bluetooth speakers. So she got that, but hadn't like read the fine print. What it is is- Who's reading fine print on boxes? No, not that she should have,

but I guess somewhere it explains- It sounds like you're blaming her though. Okay, I'm not. This shitty little speaker that's on the side of the record player, that's a the side of the record player right that's a bluetooth speaker so you could play music from your phone

into the shitty speaker into the speaker on the thing but you can't you can't go from the thing to the thing to these awesome speakers it must have an aux cord

it has an aux cord but or an aux input or output it has all that stuff but I bet you I bet we can figure this out

for you no i i know that i can hook it up to a speaker but i don't want to have a why permanently have wires out from my from my no no what i'm saying is we could we could hook it up into a bluetooth broadcaster thing that's like not a wire hanging out and then it could broadcast do you have like uh uh speakers in your walls and stuff yeah but yeah we could do all that but i don't want to do that i want a thing that just does that you sound like one of those jerks i'm a baby willy wonka i don't want an auxiliary cable to deal with. That's me. If you have a hookup for a record player, hit us up because Adam is unraveling.

I'm lost. I am lost. What kind of car stereo did you have when you were driving as a younger person? None. I drove by a car stereo installation place the other day and I was like, they still have these? Yeah. It was, I mean, back in the 80s and 90s,

it was like, I was very concerned with it. I used to go to Circuit City and get a quote of like having an awesome sound system and you were always getting your car stereo stolen. Why is that not a thing anymore? Do people not, I guess, not listen to, I guess because it's all Bluetooth now? One of the best bits in a Gruber is that he's always carrying his car stereo with him.

But people don't do that anymore. Why is that? Do you know? Is it not everybody or is it me or people our age? Are younger people concerned with their car stereos? I don't know. I don't know. Is it just that cars kind of—

Do people drive anymore? People—cars just kind of come with stereos now? Maybe. That are decent and there's no need to fuck around with them? I don't know. Because car stereos used to be terrible. Right. Are they good now?

And now it seems like they're sort of built into cars and they're somewhat— I haven't bought a car in 10 years, so I don't really know. But is there... Remember you used to have to take your plate off of a car stereo as well? Oh, yeah. Oh, totally. Or pull the entire thing out like MacGruber.

But you have a more recent car, I would imagine. Is there ever any danger of anyone stealing it? No, because it's so much a part of the car that I don't think it's even possible to pull it out. That must be what it is. They somehow snuck that technology through to us,

curtailing these scofflaws out there stealing radios, and they snuck it right by us, and we didn't even notice. But I don't think my car stereo in the first place is anything that's incredible. I would imagine people who are really into having incredible sound in their car do put something in there they must have some like yeah like major bass yes every once in a while someone will drive by with like just the bass insane bass bro um i remember my brother had incredible sound in his car when he was in high school and he had like a whole system that he paid for with his dollars he had

with dollar bills that he earned working at a job. But, and I remember it sounding amazing. I think way better than like the stereo I have now, but he was always worried about it getting stolen. Yeah, did he let you sit in the car and listen to stuff sometimes yeah every once in a while back in my old place uh if i really wanted to listen to something like uh like when we put out the the christmas cds for charity and stuff like that yeah if i really wanted to listen to it and and pick up on all

the finer points of it i would have to go into my car. And I remember I was talking to Jimmy Pardo recently about a certain Chicago record. And I was texting him because I had just gotten it. And I'm in my place right now and I was listening to it on good speakers and everything. And I was talking about the finer points of it and he was like, hold on, let me go out to my car. Yeah.

Oh no, if I want to listen to something now, it's either headphones or my car. It's not like I listen to it at home to really listen to it. Is that because you can't disturb your children? You can't turn it up, or do you not have the capability? It's just, no, I have the capability. It's just not the kind of speakers or sound system where you're really like, oh, yeah, there it is. Like there's everything that's possible with it.

Okay. That makes no sense. Talking about Christmas, Adam talked about his great Christmas gift from Naomi, this shitty record player. But let's talk about Christmas memories. Oh, man. What are some of your treasured Christmas memories? Go.

Wait, Christmas memories that involve treasure? Yes. Hmm. You got a mouthful of food, and I asked at the very wrong time. No, all that food is gone. I swallowed it. Did you do a dry swallow of that big chunk? Big chunk of this particularly gross protein bar.

Do you want to name names? No, I guess not. But there is a flavor of this protein bar that I enjoy. This one's gross. Let me check it out. Well, here's the problem. It's fart and booger flavored. Wait a second.

Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot. Okay. What about you? Let me hear some Scott Aukerman Christmas memories involving treasure. Well, there was one Christmas I do remember. We were spending it out at grandmother and grandfather's house. Oh, yeah.

Out in the woods. And we took a sleigh to get there with a horse-drawn carriage and all the typical you know christmas typical christmas time going jingle bells attached you know uh whipping the the horses as hard as we could just so you can go come on god damn it faster faster fuck just really in the Christmas spirit. Yep. And we arrived at grandmother and grandfather's house. Hello, Scott.

And we saw what we thought was smoke coming out of the chimney. It turned out it was steam. They were steaming potatoes in the chimney. And as we approached, I saw a giant, you know, it was snowing. Yeah. So it was white everywhere. But I saw a giant red X about 30 paces from their cabin. And I thought to myself, there's a fucking treasure in there.

There's a fucking treasure under this. But I couldn't, you know, I couldn't go off and search for it right then. No, you couldn't split off from your family. Because then they would go, he's looking for our treasure. So I had to wait until everyone was asleep. And this is Christmas Eve, mind you. And so I'm sneaking down the stairs. I grab a shovel and a spade.

What's a spade? It's a tool. You've heard of David Spade? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just about to go to that red X and get the treasure. Who's there to meet me down at the bottom of the stairs? But the jolly old fat man

himself, Santa, is there. Santa Claus. And he's got his list. And he's got two lists. He's got naughty and nice. And he goes, hey hey boy i know what you're doing trying to steal the treasure yeah which list do you want to be on oh and i'll be damned if i wasn't like santa you got me but wait a second why is looking for treasure naughty because it's stealing someone's treasure i mean but how But how do you know? Look, if you're going to bury,

if you're going to bury treasure out in the woods somewhere, I guess that's part of the risk. Hey, it's up for grabs as far as I'm concerned. And why are you putting a big red X where it is? So they would know where it is to return to it.

There have been other people you're asking for it. And it has to correspond to the map where the big red X is on the map. I know. There's got to be a map somewhere, but you don't need a map if there's a big red X. Listen, map. I know, there's gotta be a map somewhere, but you don't need a map if there's a big red X.

Listen, whoever it was, they're idiots. It was my grandmother and grandfather. I'm sorry. God. I'm sorry. Anyway, so yeah, I stole the treasure. Good. And I got on the naughty list,

but there was $3.6 million. Yeah, so bring on the naughty list, man. Yeah, I didn't give a shit and that's how i started facebook love it love it i'm glad that you still do this show i know it's really nice of me but i love it how about treasure memories for you i don't have any any what's your first christmas memory do you remember anything that happened do you remember uh i do remember one thing i remember once looking um peeking and seeing my you were peeking you were on ecstasy this is last christmas seeing my big present i i guess i was like 10 or 11 or something seeing

the big present the big present was it like dildo shaped was it well no seeing it unwrapped out in the living room oh okay and everyone kind of standing around it having a drink like i'm asleep apparently there who's everyone by oh just family the the grown-ups the grown-ups are out there how many grown-ups are in your family well i think 28 no i think like friends were something there was like who goes over to someone else's house on christ Eve and helps wrap their kid's presents? Maybe it was- I don't know.

Are they that desperate for alcohol? The grownups of the family were still hanging out, chatting, and having brand- I don't know what they're doing. And I peek out. I see my big gift. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, it was a bike. It was a new bicycle. That's big. That's really big. Yeah, I see my big gift. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, it was a bike. It was a new bicycle.

That's big. That's really big. Yeah, it was a big deal. How big is this bicycle? What are we talking, human-sized? Elephant-sized? No, no, no. It's a bicycle for a giant.

Oh, okay. So it took up most of the living room, and it was so tall they had to break open the ceiling so it could reach. But then the next morning, I had to like act surprised. Oh, yeah. And I hated myself for it.

But then you got into the business where you basically are acting surprised and whatever. And so do you continue to hate yourself anytime you're acting in a project? Every single time. Every single time. Because you're a liar.

Especially when I have to act surprised. Did you ever come clean with the grownups involved? Did you say, you know what? Never did. I think this is me coming clean. But I don't think they are listening to this. You don't think they're avid listeners? I don't think so.

I don't think my parents are either. Speaking of bike, I rode one once. How was it? It's a little hard. No, I remember one Christmas we were in Arizona. Christmas in Arizona. At Relatives House. And I remember I came to the kitchen to get a glass of water in the middle of the night.

Delicious. Just the perfect amount of hydrogen molecules and oxygen molecules combined. And I know, look, I know my body is made up of 73% of it, but I'll be damned if I don't drink some of it every single day. Me too. I love just a good glass of water. We can't say me too anymore. No, I know.

We gotta say me also. Also me. Also me. Okay. Also me. Also me. I love just a little H2O. Also me.

Also me. Yeah. But I came, you know, I just want, I was sleepy eyed as I recall. I wandered in to get water and I got some water and I went back. And, uh, then I came out the next morning to see a bike out there, which by the way, I don't even know how we transported these bikes back home to California. Uh, but I guess we did somehow, but I saw, I saw, uh, my brother and I both had bikes and, um, and had bikes, and I was so surprised. And I mentioned that I got water the night before, and I didn't see him, and everyone called me a liar.

Really? They're like, yeah, you did. You came out here to sneak around and see what you got. But you really didn't. But I really didn't. Huh. Yeah. So it's sort of the exact opposite of your story.

Yeah, weird. I didn't go out there. I just peeked through the top of the door because i was in a bunk bed i was up wait the top of the door so wait wait okay or is it one story house one story house what's the address i it's santa cruz california 95060 so all of our listeners should go out there and bother them yeah um we may want to cut that out. Yeah, we're going to need to definitely cut or beep that. So your one-story house, was it? Yeah.

And so you're peeking out of the top bunk. I was up in a bunk bed, and the door was at the end of the bed. Did you ever pee in the bed and have it drip down? To my brother's face? No. Anyway, so I peed through the top of the door. Was the door open a crack or was it purely? I grabbed it and opened it a crack because the door was at the end of the bed where my feet are.

Just a real crack. And looked straight down the hallway through the living room and saw my dad standing uh and with a bicycle and i was like holy shit you really paid a great picture yeah i saw my dad standing with a bicycle and i said holy shit and i felt i felt awful immediately did you you felt guilty oh yeah and you were doing it to try to see what you were gonna get because you just i just couldn't help it you couldn't then i saw it and i was like, what have I done? What have I done? I'm such an asshole. Yeah. So is that the last time you ever did anything wrong? Yes. I learned my lesson. But we did find out that day, that fateful Christmas Eve, that you are

a sinner and you are not perfect like our Lord Jesus Christ. And the reason for this is- As it turns out, an actor. Yes. And so your parents bought it. As far as I could tell. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Can you reenact it at all? Like what was your reaction?

I do not remember the morning of and having to pretend. I really remember nothing. Isn't that interesting? And our emotions are tied to our memories. Our memories are tied to emotions. So you felt more of a guilty emotion that you remember that more than the happiness of getting the bike itself. Well, it was the genuine emotion of the two. The other one in the morning, the feigned surprise.

But I mean, I guess I just mean the happiness of having that bike for... That's right. Oh yeah, that's interesting. You know what I mean? Like your guilt as a child was seared into your consciousness way more than the joy of Christmas. Absolutely.

And I don't even remember the bike. You don't remember your bike? I don't. I sort of remember my first bike, the one that I got in the aforementioned tale that I told. You did.

Or the tale that I spun. the aforementioned tale that I told. You did. Or the tale that I spun. Yeah. I believe it was purple. But wait, this is a pretend bike that you remember? No, this is a real bike. This is a real bike. Okay. Wait, why do you think it's a pretend bike?

No, I got the stories mixed up. Not the story about your grandfather's house. The story about you walking out and not seeing the bikes. Yes, yes. Okay. So that bike, I believe, was purple and had a- Purple? A purple bike.

A purple bike, I think. Not purple like garish purple, but like dark purple. Still, though, a dark purple bike. A cool dark purple. Oh, okay. A cool purple bike. Purple, I believe- I got it.

I believe purple was my favorite color when I was a kid because I think Donny Osmond said it was his favorite color. You're not that- I'm five years old and watching Donny and Marie on TV. God, I don't even remember Donny and Marie. You're only like three years older than me. You don't- Wait, you don't remember who they are

or you don't remember watching that show? No, I don't remember watching that show at all. You don't remember? If I were to hold up two pictures of Donnie and Marie Osmond- No, I know who they are. You know who they are. But I never watched that show. I feel like that was long before my time.

I mean, it was like 1975 or 1976 or something like that. Okay, yeah, I don't remember those years. So anyway, imagine the coolest, darkest purple that you. Okay. All right. Cool purple. Got it. I'm worried that you're thinking about like a really bright.

No, I'm thinking of a deep purple, a deep, dark purple. Deep purple. Yeah. That's, I mean, you didn't, people love them. And I'm still thinking at the coolest, darkest purple, I'm still thinking it's pretty lame. It had a banana seat. Uh-huh. And those handlebars, you know, that are like-

It had a banana seat? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. This is the early 70s. Oh, God. And I'm a kid. Okay. Sounds terrible.

Sounds like a terrible, embarrassing bike. I will tell you, you though that at a certain point i forget if it was that bike or a different bike but i finally was like hey i want a cool bike and so uh we replaced everything i think it was that bike we replaced everything getting a cool like one of those kind of triangle seats and getting the cool handlebars that had the grips on the end of them that were super quiet. And we got it painted professionally, and it was red, and it was, like, really incredible. And everyone at school was like, holy shit, your bike's awesome. Literally a week later, I go to the movies, don don't lock it up and my neighbor steals it.

I know it's my neighbor because because I saw my neighbor was like with a gang of toughs and me and my friends went into the movie

as they were coming out and I know that they took the bike and it was a week later and my dad was just like we had spent all this money getting it done

and it's just like I never got it back that sucks did you ever confront your neighbor about it no he's tough he's like two years older than me

jeez I remember I had a job at the candy store at the boardwalk and what

yeah and what okay hold on this is a piece of Adam Scott lore I was unfamiliar with. Let's talk about this candy store at the boardwalk.

I didn't tell you that. No. Oh, yeah. I made taffy at the boardwalk for years. What? How many years? At what age? I started there when I was 12 years old.

12 years old making taffy? No, I started washing dishes. Okay, how many hours a day? A lot. I worked there eight hours a day at 12 years old. Well, when I was 12. You had a full-time job 40 hours a week? It was during the school year.

Maybe it was just on weekends when I started. And then in the summertime, I would work like five days a week. Who out there is hiring a 12-year-old boy? This place, this candy store on the board, or Marini's on the boardwalk. But this is back in, you know, when I was 12. The early 80s, yeah. Mid- Mid-80s.

Yeah, 1985-ish. So when Back to the Future came out. So if you're watching Back to the Future, imagine little Adam washing dishes at the taffy store, wishing he could see this movie but he can't because he's out there washing dishes you know it was probably later anyway it was 12 or 13 and then but I worked there through like when I was 16 yeah so you graduated to taffy maker yeah I still when you're out there making taffy out and it's out in the candy store where all the tourists and everyone can that's where you can actually kind of part of the show they gather around the window and you put it on that thing that like they're a mechanical taffy

maker so i was one of those guys wow did you wait i'm this is what i'm imagining because i think i've seen someone make taffy like disneyland or something they need it or something like that and do they throw it i'm thinking of pizza now they throw it in the air throw it in the air and then put pizza sauce on it. Pizza sauce on it. And pepperoni. Pepperoni. Put it in the oven. And a little bit of cheese, some sauce.

Yeah, that's pizza. This is definitely pizza. What are the steps? So someone wants to make their own Christmas taffy, and this is the Christmas episode. It's proprietary, but I'll tell you what I remember. Okay. And I would make giant batches of this stuff from scratch all day all day would you

ever giant giant uh tubs did you did you like taffy by the end of working there or were you like i can't eat i hated it and i couldn't it just this pat over thanksgiving i was in santa cruz with my family and my kids brought me to the this very candy store we're talking about. Like, hey, Dad. Yes, because they wanted me to eat a piece of watermelon taffy to see if I would throw up. Because they know- Your kids are, what kind of jerks are your kids? Because they know that those smells- Just make you gag.

Yeah, because when concentrated in a huge amount, those types of flavors and smells really get to you after a while. And my clothes would smell like it when I would go home. Anyway, that's what I did. So did you start to work there and you said, hmm, I should try some of this taffy if I'm going to sell it? Took one bite and was like, this is disgusting. I'll work here for three years. No, I think it was something that by the time – at first I loved it.

It was a slow erosion. By the time I finished, I was like, I can't eat sweets that by the time – at first I loved it. It was a slow erosion. By the time I finished, I was like, I can't eat sweets ever again. Sweets at all? For a while, I just couldn't eat candy because I would just – if I tasted a little bit, I would taste like a vat of watermelon flavoring. If I may get personal with you, and please slap my little fanny if I'm getting too personal. You said on a previous episode that you grew up a husky child. Yes. Was this the point where you were like, oh, I can't have sweets anymore, and you started to drop the LBs?

When I started – Thank God you didn't smack my little fanny, by the way. That's coming later. When I started at Marini's, I was a husky kid and I kind of grew out of it as I was working there. I don't think it necessarily had anything to do with me not eating sweets. Were you just growing older? I just grew out of it. Interesting. Although maybe it had something to do with it. Okay. So tell us this recipe. How do you make taffy? From what I remember, I would go down into the basement to get a 50 pound bag of sugar, first of all. Okay.

And have to- So step one, buy 50 pounds of sugar. 50 pounds of sugar, but you wouldn't use all of the, I don't know, maybe you would. But, and then giant thing of corn syrup. Okay. Giant. Pour that and the sugar into an enormous pot.

Is it an equal amount? I don't remember. Okay. But yeah, and heat those up. Buy as much of that stuff as you can and just combine it. into an enormous pot. Is it an enormous pot? I don't remember. Okay. But, yeah. And heat those up. Buy as much of that stuff as you can and just combine it. And those two things get, you heat them up at a high, high hot temperature.

What are we talking, one degree? One, two, three degrees. Scalding hot. And then you pour, from what I remember, it's like sugar, corn syrup, and then you pour from what i remember it's like sugar corn syrup and then whatever flavoring you're using so some what would the flavoring be like if it were watermelon would it be like some sort of juice that's like a fake watermelon juice no it's like why are you making fun of what i know it's- You're not crushing watermelons. I'm putting them in there.

A tub that says watermelon flavoring on it. That's what I mean, yeah. And you pour it in and it just, oh my God, I can like feel it in my head right now, just that intense fake watermelon smell. Did they use any kind of real flavorings? No. It was all just like soap.

I don't know. I don't remember. You don't remember. But it was good. It was all just like soap. I don't know. I don't remember. You don't remember. But it was good. It was like saltwater taffy. Yeah. Like the best you could buy is at this place. Where's the saltwater part of it come from?

That it's made next to the ocean, I think. But it was great. And the taffy there is great. So you heat it up and then what happens? This is the part that- Oh, then it's this, After you cook it for a while, it's just this amalgam, just this super tough...

Ball of stuff. Ball of stuff. And then you let it cool off for a bit. You put it on a table, let it cool off. Then you pick it up, take it over to this machine. Right.

And you start the machine and the machine stretches it out and kind of needs it but people have done this by hand as well yeah you could do it by hand but this is a way to get it really like pliable and soft and yummy is to put it on this thing and that's where the tourists kind of gather around and watch this thing then you take it off of that you climb these stairs out into the center of this candy shop. Climb stairs?

Yeah, there's these stairs up to the top of this little- You've already gone down into a basement. Are we talking- There's a basement in two levels? This is the stairs up to just a small platform. Do you have the blueprints? I need to take a look at this. Okay, let me-

Okay, right, you see- Oh, yeah. I would just walk- This is the stairwell here. Yeah, I would walk over there. And so it's just a little platform in the middle of the candy shop. And that's where you would take this now tender,

giant kind of ball of taffy and kind of stretch it out. Stretch it out into a- You look like you're jerking off the world's biggest dong right now. Because literally what you do is you have to pull it to a long dick-shaped shape and feed it into this-

Feed it into a giant gaping- Someone's mouth. You have to feed it into this machine that chops it and wraps it in paper. In paper. So there's so much of this sounds automated. The only part that's automated is feeding it into the machine. But the machine is literally 100 years old. It's the same one that's been there since they opened in 1907 or whatever.

So it would break down and stop and get jammed every like 10 minutes. So every time you're feeding things in, feeding a batch in there, you have to fix it somehow. Right. Isn't it weird that hours are 60 minutes? It is weird. 60 is such a weird number. Like it should be 100 minutes. I know, 60. Who came up with that? It's weird. Let's such a weird number. Like it should be 100 minutes. I know, 60.

Who came up with that? It's weird. Let's start doing hours in 100 minutes. Fine with me. That sounds great. Did you meet a... But the other thing I did a lot there that I hated was... Did they only sell taffy or...

No, they have all kinds of candy and they have delicious caramel and candy apples. So one of my jobs early on when I was washing dishes was to also put those metal sticks into the apples and to get them ready for- You're still miming. I know, it looks penis-like. But sticking those sticks into the apples

starts to callous up your hands after a while. And then sometimes you would slip and the stick would go into your- The stick would go all the way through the apple into the palm of your other hand. Ouch. That happened a lot. Oof. But you're a 12-year-old boy doing this stuff. Yeah.

And you can't complain to anyone. No, I had the job. Yeah. So you were like rich as a kid. Yeah. So you were like rich as a kid. Yeah. But I do remember, because the Marinis were like family friends of my mom's family,

both like Santa Cruz families that had been there a while. Titans of industry. Yeah, so I got this job, but I think back then, and back when this would happen, it wasn't like a big deal. You could get a job when you're 12 and get paid like below minimum wage.

Yeah, that's what – Do you remember that? Well, that – I was just – weirdly enough when I saw my parents on Thanksgiving – I don't know if they did that at Marini's, but I did it somewhere. I think it was legal though, but – Yeah, yeah. When I was with my parents on Thanksgiving, we were talking about my first job, which was – I think I've talked about it here or at least on another show.

It was at a Christian yogurt shop called the Mana Station. Similar family friends hired me when I was 15. I think I made, if minimum wage was 3.35, I think I maybe made 2.75 or something an hour because it was legal if you were underage, you know? And my version of it was that i was a terrible employee but it this the store also wasn't great it ended up going out of business like a year later yeah um but i worked

there six weeks until school started again and then i had to cut back my hours and my boss i was so bad my boss was like well why don't we cut them down to zero? Now, then I'm talking to my parents about this and they're like, yeah, you were fired after a week. And I was like, no, it was at least six. It pains me to think that like in your memory over the past 30 years, you felt I fucked over a family friend and got fired after a week and they were like yeah okay sure six weeks but you know you weren't the greatest kid they had to throw that in there what? you're 12 years old

15 15 years old did this happen just this past Thanksgiving yeah oh my god and that's when I got up and walked out of the room overturned the table and smashed turkey in my dad's face great that's the appropriate way of ending that conversation I got up and walked out of the room and overturned the table and smashed turkey in my dad's face. Great. That's the appropriate way of ending that conversation.

So that was your – I don't know how this ties into Christmas other than taffy, but I guess it does. But that was your first job. Wait. I forget why we started talking about it. Oh, because I bought a mountain bike with money I had saved up, and it was awesome. For how long did you save up? Was it like after one year you got it, or was it like – No, I remember I was working a lot.

This was when I was like 14, so I needed a bike, a new bike. Are you like a serious child? Like, got to go back to the taffy shop. Good night, mother. I'll be at the taffy shop all night. How does that equate to being a serious kid i just a lot of kids they you know have a summer job or whatever and they're fine but they blow it off or whatever it sounds like you were really i mean you hated taffy and you're what i loved the job though it was a cool job to have because you're like a cool

white outfit and being like a can't they call them candy boys let's back up to this wait they called them candy boys you're wearing a white outfit you're being called a candy boy i think the cool part i think that's i think that's what it was i think who's they who's. I think. Who's they? Who's they calling them candy boys? This weirdo with the basement who hired you? At the Marini's, yeah, we were the candy boys. Candy boy, come over here.

And it was a cool, from what I remember, it was a cool job. And I remember there was this one guy there that was like bullying me. He was a. Fellow employee? Yeah, right when I got promoted to being like a candy boy, rather than just being the dishwasher. Right. I went out there to the front and was like-

Mother, I've become a candy boy today. I was like nervous about being out there with the other like older candy boys. Sure. And this guy was like fucking with me and he wouldn't leave me alone. And I remember out there in front of everybody this other guy who was nice and he was nice and he was cool he fucking stepped up to this bully and told him and shut him down told him to leave me alone lay off our fellow candy yeah

it was awesome wow that's. Do you remember his name? I'm not going to. You're not? I think I'll say. You don't want to blow up this nice man spot. Oh, the nice man spot. I don't mean the bully. I don't remember his name.

Isn't that weird? It may have been Jeff. Much similar to your Christmas story. You remember the bully and you don't remember the nice guy. Oh, I remember the bully very well. It makes you almost think that anything nice we do, no one's's gonna ever remember it so why bother i know i know i think it was jeff actually jeff it was jeff it was jeff it was jeff he was cool well that's great um and how and that bike was fun oh the bike got stolen like like i had only had it like a week and I wrote it down to work, locked it up, and someone fucking cut the lock.

So someone cut the lock. See, anything that ever got stolen from me, I feel like it was my fault. Like I didn't lock it up good enough or, you know, I left my door unlocked or whatever. No. Yeah. Even if you leave your door unlocked, it's not your fault if things get stolen. I guess. But when my, you know, when my uncle was murdered, I felt like it was my fault because, you know, I left his door unlocked and, you know, I gave the knife to the murderer.

Directions on how to kill him. I gave the knife to the murderer. Directions on how to kill him. I will say part of the job that was cool was I got to drive a golf cart all up and down the boardwalk. That does sound cool. Wearing your white little outfit and saying, attention, candy boy approaching. Wearing a cool white outfit as a candy boy. All right, look, we need to take another break. When we come back, we're going to be going through all of R.E.M.'s Christmas songs.

We'll be right back with a little more Are You Talking R.E.M., Remy. This holiday season, Earwolf wants to spread some cheer. Cheerwolf, if you will. We've got special episodes all over the network just for you. This first one sounds really good. Andrew T. and Tawny Newsome, we talked to Kulop Vilaysak about holiday

racism. Anya was a racist. Unspooled, take a deep dive into AFI's favorite Christmas movie, It's a Wonderful Life. Our good buds at Off Book have three holiday musicals surprise all the special holiday episodes of with special guests are out from behind the paywall as a gift for you check out a very special improv for humans episode best of the bible on are you talking rem remi

me and adam scott talk about every. holiday single released and nothing else. Certainly there would never be anything else to talk about. Sean and Hayes, the boys hit the slopes with Adam Pally on an episode of Hollywood Handbook. On Beautiful Anonymous, Chris Gethard is taking calls for New Year's resolutions from you. Tune in on Earwolf's Facebook page, December 21st at 2 p.m. Eastern. Marissa and Lissler get a special listener call-in with a heartfelt proposal on Womp It Up, followed by the Christmas Womptacular released from behind the paywall. There's so many more. Comedy Bang Bang, How Did This Get Made,

Getting Curious, Who Charted, and Freedom! Happy holidays, happy listening, and a merry Cheer Wolf to all. So much stuff, so much cheer. Cheer Wolf. Welcome back. Are you talking R.E.M. Remy? And during the break, Chef Kevin delivered to me, delivered unto me, I should say, a very interesting article about why car stereo theft has fallen by more than 50%. Let me hear it.

So a little while back, car manufacturers realized they could charge more for the cars if they put good stereos in them which with good speakers and everything which ultimately made it theft proof because these stereos are uh built into the cars in such a way that they are exclusive to this car yeah they don't work anywhere they don't work anywhere. They don't work in it. So basically, if you were to steal a car stereo out of a Jetta, you could only sell it to someone who has a Jetta and they already have

that stereo in it. Exactly. So, So before they decided to do this, all car stereos were shitty. Yeah, that's what they say

in here is like, all car stereos were shitty so then you would buy a good one that could fit into any car and that would get stolen and they could unload those immediately. Does it say around about approximately which year this started or around? It says that throughout the 1990s, car stereos were stolen from more than a million in 1994 to now just over 400,000.

But it seems like they – everyone needed a better one in the 1990s, but it seems – and then car stereo, six CD changers. God, I'm looking for a year here. It's really getting tough. Probably in the 2000s, somewhere in there. Yeah. But, yeah.

That's interesting. Is it? I also think about— I'm on the verge of it. I also think about how muggers—you know, I got mugged three times in my life. You did? But no one carries cash anymore, so everyone just has credit cards, or you pay through. If you're like me, Apple pay everything.

Oh, boy. Me too. Also me. Also me. Oh, yeah. Also me. You don't carry cash? Not really.

I mean, occasionally I'll have like $20 at most on me. Let's see how much cash you chip us has right now. All right. Oh, I don't even have my wallet. What? I don't think have my wallet. What? I don't think I brought my wallet to the studio. Where would you have your wallet then? Look, I was carrying a lot of stuff today. I have headphones,

I have all this viewer mail, I have the iPod, I forgot my sandwich, I forgot so much stuff. You forgot your sandwich? Yeah. Where would you leave your sandwich? Up your butt? And around the corner? No, that's where it goes after I eat it.

I don't know whether my sandwich has been delivered to me. Where do you get a sandwich every day? Where does Scott Aukerman get his sandwich? I know I had a sandwich in the fridge that I was going to eat because I have a very busy schedule today. Which was not helped by a certain someone being an hour late i can imagine but wait where is this sandwich from it's it's like a gelson sandwich pre-made sandwich ew but why this is a high quality why don't you have a sandwich why don't you get a sandwich freshly made today for lunch

rather than having one a grocery store sandwich from yesterday for your lunch today? What's wrong with a sandwich from yesterday from Gelson's, which makes it fresh right there? Ugh, it's not gonna be fresh anymore. It's gonna be a day old. Yeah. The bread is gonna be weird.

Weird? Yeah. What kind of bougie trip are you on right now well did you get any mayonnaise or anything on it no okay well i guess that's better so the bread's nuts but the bread could get soggy from listen candy boy i don't think this is a weird bougie thing i think having the choice between a freshly made sandwich or one it's not sitting in a fridge. I'll tell you what. It's not a choice because I don't have time because I now have to leave immediately from the show to get to an appointment. I don't have time to go pick up a sandwich.

And so I was going to bring a pre-made sandwich, which I buy for such an occasion. I bet I'm going to have a busy day. And then you forgot it. And then I forgot it. Oh, boy, I bet I'm going to have a busy day. And then you forgot it. And then I forgot it. Oh, boy. Anyway, I'm trying to get it delivered. This, that sandwich? Get that sandwich delivered, rather than have someone... Well, I don't want it to be two days before I eat it, because that would be gross.

How about someone go pick you up a fresh sandwich and have that delivered? Fine. Welcome back to the show. Do what you want. I'm gonna get something freshly made. Yeah, because you have all the time in the world because you're a fuck-up who has nothing else to do today.

That's not true. What do you have to do? I just had no idea that I would have this to do today. No clue whatsoever. All right. In the spirit of Christmas, I forgive you. All right. Let's talk about REM's Christmas songs.

They got quite a few of them. We got, I believe, 15 to go through. Okay, great. Let's do it. So we've talked on previous two episodes about how REM starting in 1988 would put out fan club singles. They started out as 45s.

Yep. And then graduated to videotapes at one point and CDs. But they did this starting in 1988 all the way to 2011 I believe. And is that where it ended was CD essentially? Yeah pretty much they would mail out a

CD I think by the end of it. Now we have gone through all of the covers that they've done and all the original songs that they wrote but we saved all of the Christmas songs that they put out throughout the years for this episode. And you ready to go through them, Adam?

Yeah. You were part of the fan club. You used to get these? I did. From the first one on or just sporadic? No, I think I joined like in 1990 or 91. So from then until then on. So you haven't heard a lot of this, I would imagine, but you've heard.

Probably not. You've heard some of it. Let's start in 1988. Now, this is the very first 45 they ever put out. So that's when the fan club started was like. Was 88. Okay. Or at least they started sending singles.

The fan club may have been a thing before then. Got it. So they were pretty big when they started the fan club. Yeah. This is Green, I i think had just come out on election day right in 1988 yeah um so this is uh now this is an unlisted track and uh uh i believe from all the information i've gotten on the internet i believe this is the first track on the 45 that is unlisted um this is deck the halls um with bowels of holly of course

yeah no i've heard it um and uh but this is i i'm placing it on the 1988 because on discogs.com on the listing of their 1988 single a kind user has written in the notes uh it starts off with deck the halls and then gets to the first track listed. Oh, okay. So this is Deck the Halls. Cool. So you ready for this? Here we go. Fa la la la la. Fa la la la la. I just want to tell you, by the way, I love this. Oh, you love this? Best of the season from R.E.M.

There you go. Okay, I thought that was beautiful. It's nice, right? Wow. And a Christmas miracle occurred during that song. My sandwich has been delivered. Wait, can we get a look at this sandwich? Well, she's bringing it in. Okay, great. Or there it is.

And this is the one. Rather than have someone go get you a sandwich from a sandwich place freshly made, you had someone go to your house. Well, she was going to my house already. Get this out of the refrigerator. She was going to my house already to pick up another thing I forgot. And so I said, hey, get that sandwich. Grab that.

Grab that. Old sandwich. Do a little sandwich grab. Old. Old. A day old. Grab that old sandwich. What kind of sandwich?

Tuna. Oh, my God. What's wrong with that? Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. What's wrong with that? Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Okay. All right, so that's the first one. You like that.

I love that. Then it goes. It's also my favorite kind of period of theirs, the document green. Here we go. Looks like I have. Here we go. See? Okay.

By the way, sell by tomorrow. They're pretty liberal with the sell. Liberal? No, they're conservative with it. Let me see that. It says sell by tomorrow. I haven't opened it. It's airtight.

I'm going to tell you this bread looks good. This looks like a good choice. Okay, you were very worried about the bread. By the way, we want to thank Corinne, my assistant, for picking up that sandwich. Thank you so much. Although, it appears she got her own bag of chips that she is hoarding and not sharing. Not sharing with you. Okay, this doesn't look that bad, but just the fact that you could get this same sandwich freshly made for you.

Yes, but I didn't have time. Like, I don't know if- You're saying that I should throw away that sandwich that I bought with my own money, by the way. My parents didn't buy that for me. I'm not some guy- Wait, you didn't have any help paying for this sandwich. I didn't have any help. I mean, yeah, Kulop made some money this year when we put it into a joint account.

Maybe I'm using Kulop's money. I don't know. But I'm saying I'm not some, like like candy boy out there whose parents are out buying- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't bring my old jobs into this. That's bullshit and you know it. All right. Can I say how much this sandwich costs?

Yeah. Okay. $8.99. $8? Really? Yeah, $9 for this. I'm rounding up. That's a little much.

Now, what I would do if I was going to eat this, I would probably take that tomato out of there because that tomato sitting in the fridge. I'm not a huge tomato. It's going to get all mealy. But here's my point. It's a sell by tomorrow. And they're conservative with those,

meaning you still can eat it several days after that. But sandwiches sitting around in a fridge, it starts feeling like you're buying a sandwich. You have a strange thing about sandwiches. This lettuce is starting to look a little, like, iffy to me. So I should have asked Corinne to, hey, I know you're already going by my house. Could you go by a different place and throw away that $9 sandwich? She could have gone by Gelson's the place where you originally got

a new nine dollar sandwich get a new one and this one you eat

tonight when you get home if you're still still hungry you're

still saying still eat this one I'm saying

why not eat it now then because I think the lunch today

is more important it's more important that you have a pleasant experience

today in the middle of your day okay that's a good

point alright let's move on to the second Christmas song. So this is going to be the first one listed on this 1988 single. Yes, exactly. So this is the A-side. This is Parade of the Wooden Soldiers. Let's hear it. Who's going to count it off?

All right, let's go. Here we go. Ready? One, two, three, four. Okay. So you're thinking they should have listed the other one and made this the bonus track. Did my okay say that to you? It doesn't seem like it. Well, it's fine.

It just seems like less of a major accomplishment than the one you played before, which I thought was beautiful. Parade of the Wooden Soldiers, of course, written by Leon Jessel. Is that basically what that is? Of course, Jessel. Of course, Leon Jessel wrote that. That's the extent of it, essentially. Yeah, it doesn't get better or anything like that. Parade of the Wooden Soldiers, of course, associated with Christmas,

although not an actual christmas song uh never mentions christmas um but i guess wooden soldiers were a gift a gift yeah so uh and a toy and toys a terrific gift if you ask me i mean that's what i give all my relatives you give your children wooden soldiers every single year every year um skipping ahead to 1989 wait there wasn't a b-side yeah but we've already gone over these there's not a Christmas themed B-side

oh I see okay now you're getting the idea of the show alright this is 1989 this is

Good King Wenceslas now weirdly enough spelled wrong on the single as Wenceslas but let's hear this.

Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast of Stephen When the snow lay round about Deep and crisp and even Brightly shone the moon that night. Though the frost was cruel. I gotta admit, this sandwich is looking really good. I don't really want to bite into this thing. I know. I'm pretty hungry and it doesn't look too bad to me.

Like I had to push myself to criticize that sandwich. Because we're both pretty hungry. This is interesting. I can't tell who that is singing. It doesn't sound like Michael Stipe. It sounds like, no, it sounds like two or three of them. Yeah. Like Bill Barry, maybe?

Bill Barry. But I don't hear Mike Mills either. Although I'm sure they're just, it sounds like they're putting on some application there. I mean, it's fine. Yeah. I mean, these Christmas singles are them having fun and fucking around a lot.

Yeah, man. A lot of times the B-sides are like covers of their favorite songs and they fuck around. So that's cool. That was 1989. And then let's now move to 1990. Now, when we talked about these fan club singles on a previous episode, I thought that this was a version of the suicide song Ghost Rider. But it is actually a Christmas-themed cover of Ghost Riders in the Sky written by Stan Jones. I love that song.

First recorded by Burl Ives, though, the old snowman himself. So this is a Christmas-themed version of Ghost Riders in the Sky called Ghost Reindeer in the Sky. Ah. guitar solo Yeah, sure. Ghost riders in the sky. Yeah, sure. Towards the end, he says ghost reindeer in the sky, turning it Christmassy.

I'm totally in favor of that. Sounds good. I like it. Now we go to 1991, the next year. Now, they're massive at this point because of out of time but wait what happened in 1990 that was 1990

I thought that was 1989 no the previous one Good King Wenceslas was 1989 you gotta pay attention okay because you're

interrupting the flow yes at this point I sure am so this is 1991 massive global superstars massive global superstars

and this is an original song if you can really call it a song. This is called Christmas Griping. Well, it's like Christmas is here again. Yeah. Guess we'll have to go shopping now. I tell you what, if I hear Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer one more time, I'm going to go up on a tower with a high-powered rifle.

As we sit by the fire, all the smells will perspire. Yeah, and I'm going to have to take my nephew to the mall to see Santa Claus. Wouldn't you just love to throttle the person that invented fruit cake? And what is this thing about mistletoe? That's Sid Straw, I believe. Wait, let's listen to it. Boom shakalaka like a ho ho ho. Boom shakalaka like a ho ho ho. Boom shakalaka like a ho ho ho. Boom shakalaka like a ho ho ho.

Boom shakalaka like a ho ho ho. Boom shakalaka like a ho ho ho. Boom shakalaka like a ho ho ho. Take a white marshmallow, put it on a coat coat hanger It goes on like that. Okay. Pretty cynical, R.E.M. Yeah, a little bit of a Grinch. Yeah.

Walking into the studio that day. I thought Benedict Cumberbatch was the Grinch. But turns out R.E.M. are some serious Grinches when it comes to Christmas. I wonder if they really feel that way. Maybe I wonder if this is like a little bit of overconfidence being newly minted global superstars. Well, I think the eyes of the world are upon them and they now realize they can't do something incredibly like embracing Christmas, they want to seem cooler maybe. I don't know.

Maybe they actually feel this way. I don't know. Because, I mean, the whole idea of putting out a Christmas single seems to be like, hey, let's have some fun and warmth. So putting this out there, just a little piece of comedic. I think that's what it is. They're in character. Yeah, they're what it is. They're in character. Yeah, they're just fucking around. They're like doing SNL characters.

It's like they're Wayne and Garth. There you go. There you go. And they hit the nail on the head. All right. It's weird. I've either blocked that out or I never heard that before.

Never heard that. You probably never heard it. Very strange. This is 1992. Maybe this is the first one that you got. This is Toyland from the operetta Babes in Toyland. Yeah, I remember this.

Toyland, Toyland Dear little girl and boyland While you dwell within it You are ever happy then. Childhood. I like it. Yeah, it's pretty. Nice and pretty and pretty well recorded,

although because this is a vinyl rip, I believe a little distorted on some of the S's. I think I have that single somewhere at the toilet. I believe this might be the first one that you got. Yeah. So I like that.

Then we go to 1993. The next year we have this is two Christmas songs. They recorded two Christmas songs for this one. First off we have Silver Bells which we all know was first performed

by Bob Hope and Marilyn Maxwell in 1951's The Lemon Drop Kid, one of my favorite Christmas movies. Let's hear Silver Bells by R.E.M. City sidewalks Busy sidewalks Dressed in holiday style In the air There's a feeling Of Christmas

Well, Mike Mills. Children laughing Yeah, I like this. I remember this. This is nice. This is a well-recorded one. I like it. Some of the fan club singles nice. This is a well-recorded one. Yeah. I like it. Some of the fan club singles, it feels like when you're getting them,

it's like they could have put in the slightest of effort. Well, that one version of I Will Survive, I remember. Oh, it's just atrocious. That one is just like, why don't you just give it a shot? But that one is well-recorded. Yeah. And then this is the B side. This is Christmastime is Here from 1965's Charlie Brown Christmas.

Oh, yeah, I remember this. Is this... Does this sound weird about this? Like it's played too slow or something? I think it's haltingly, maybe, but... But no, it's not to a click track, probably. Do you only like songs that are recorded to a click track? That's it. I just like click tracks.

If they could just turn up the click tracks on modern recordings. That's right. Ooh, you got a little sleigh bells there. Oh, yes. That feels like Christmas to me. Another thing to share Christmas time is here This is me singing, this is not Arianne.

Oh. Christmas time to cheer I love it. I love it. My singing, you mean? Yes. Yeah, that's nice. That's great.

That's a great double-sided single to have Silver Bells and Christmastime is here. A little treasure there in old 93. Let's go to 94. We have... So this is Monster Just Came Out. Monster Just Came Out. And this is an original called Christmas in Tunisia.

This is an instrumental. Nothing incredibly Christmassy about it other than the title, but let's hear a little bit of it. Those are drums. Huh. Have you ever heard those? No. You don't think this sounds Christmassy?

Wait a minute. Ho, ho, ho! Oh, there it is. Where's the bathroom? Ho, ho, ho! Where's the beef? Sounds like Don Pardo. Ho, ho, ho! Where's the beef? Okay. part of oh where's the beef okay yeah i think i remember that interesting sure so then rem they continue to put out the singles but they don't record any christmas themed songs ever again

until 2000 whoa so they take six years off and they just put out like either B-side, like sometimes it was like, hey, here's just a live recording of us doing this song. I remember that and being a little like,

why? Why did you guys stop doing this? Why? Why? So 2000, so this is in between Up and Reveal,

they decide to put out a Christmas song. Suddenly they record another Christmas song. Now, I don't know why. I don't know how, but they did it. Okay. And this is a cover of the, this is Christmas Time Is Here Again,

a cover of the 1967 Beatles song that they put out on their fan club single. Oh. So let's hear this. So it's, you know, time is a flat circle. Sorry. Big question is, when will Paul marry Yoko?

He'll make the whole thing complete. Are you ready? Tuning is just completely incidental to this. That's for sure. So we're just gonna go. So should we do a, like, two-bar intro or something? Let her rip. Yeah. Hey, why don't we do something just gonna go. So should we do a two-bar intro or something? Let her rip. Yeah.

Hey, why don't we do a two-star? Already? My favorite song. I do not remember this. What the fuck is going on? Are we rolling it?

One, two, three, four. Christmas time is here again. Christmas time is here again. Let me fast forward a little bit to where... Uh-oh. I don't hate this. Oh, beauty spells out. Oh, I like this. I think once it locks into the groove, it's interesting. I like that they've got all those horns and stuff.

It's interesting. The Beatles version is great. I would imagine they were recording Reveal because they had all that. Oh, the New Orleans horns and all that kind of stuff? Well, Reveal, I think it was Vancouver. Oh, the Vancouver horns, yeah. The Vancouver horns. Okay, now cut to two years later.

This is a cover of the big star song Jesus Christ. Yes. Sorry. This is 2002 now? 2002. Remember when we did our U2 Christmas episode? Yeah. I thought the U2 song Jesus Christ was a cover of the big star song Jesus Christ, and then we played it in the song, and it was not that.

I had egg on my face. Sure did. And scrambled. But this is a cover of the song Jesus Christ by Big Star, the Alex Chilton song. Mike sings it. And so let's hear a little bit of that. Sort of a nontraditional Christmas song, but I really like it. angels from the realms of glory stars shone bright above

royal david city was bathed in light of love. Jesus Christ was born today. Jesus Christ was born. Jesus Christ was born today jesus christ was born it's awesome great right yeah really good uh interestingly enough perhaps uh mike for a charity single in 2006, and all the proceeds were donated to the Red Apple Foundation, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the quality of life

for children in the U.S. That's awesome. So he likes this song enough to do it twice. So nice, he did it twice. Yeah, Mike was always a, or has always been a big, big star guy. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think-

Even toured, toured, I believe, that third, is it the third big star record that they did a tour just- The one called Third? Yeah. They, am I wrong about that? that or sister i know the posies were like the rhythm section when they toured uh when they got back together when big star got back

together yeah but i feel like mike toured with the rhythm covering big star i don't know bass and guitar whatever he loves big star but yeah yeah and and the posies are on you know the minus five christmas record uh okay so this is 2002 as well. This is a spoken word over the, read over the New Orleans Instrumental No. 1. This is Michael Stipe reads Martin Luther King. My name is Michael Stipe. I'm reading tonight from the book Strength to Love,

written by a great hero of mine, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. King was the pastor and preacher at Ebenezer Baptist Church, not 90 kilometers from where I sit right now. Kilometers? He was a civil rights activist. And when this book was published in 1963, in his words, a realistic pacifist, greatly influenced by the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi. Of the two passages I'm going to read,

the first is King trying to answer the teachings of Jesus, love your enemies, from the book of Matthew and the Holy Bible. And the second, I searched through King's writings for a reference to London and I found it. Why should we love our enemies? Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate. Violence multiplies violence. And toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. Nice, right? Yeah, and this was also in 2002. This is in the midst of the run-up to Iraq.

This is right after 9-11. So these were potent. Potent words and a message that needed to get out there. Sure. Now, cut to five years later. They don't record another Christmas thing until 2007. Wow. What's going on in 2007 in R&M? 2007.

They're about to put out Accelerate. They're about a couple months. In a couple months, they put out Accelerate. They're about, oh, okay. In just a couple months. In a couple months, they put out Accelerate. This is, and this is really good. This is a cover of the 1973 Slade Christmas song called Merry Xmas, Everybody. Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? It's a time that every Santa has a ball Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?

Does he turn up on his sleigh? Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? So here it is, Merry Christmas. Everybody's having fun. Look to the future now. It's only just begun. Are you waiting for me? Quality.

Sounds cool. I like that. Original as well. One of the modern Christmas classics. What are the modern Christmas classics to you? There are so many. Yeah, too many to talk about now. So from 2007, we now jump to 2009.

Okay. Okay. And this is the REM's version of Santa Baby, the 1953 Eartha Kitt classic. Okay. Santa baby Just slip a sable under the tree For me I've been an awful good girl Santa baby So hurry down the chimney tonight

Is this mic or is this... Yeah, yeah. Santa baby Is this Mike or is this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. That's great. Nice. Yeah. Nice. So that's 2009.

That's 2009. And that's it? No, we got one more. One last one. What year? 2011? 2010. 2010. Yes, 2011 was the last year they did they put these out but uh in 2011 there was no christmas uh material this is the last christmas

song they ever put out this is 2010 and their last record is about to come out like in february i think it came out right or? Or March? Of 2011. Yeah. So, yeah, they must have been recording that when they recorded this. This is a cover of the 1963 Phil Spector and Darlene Love classic. This is a song that U2 also very famously did. This is Christmas, Baby, please come home. Snow's coming down. And I'm watching it fall.

Rocks the people around. So baby, please come home. Is that Mike? I think it's Mike. There's a note on this that Michael Stipe did not participate, which is a weird way of putting it, like did not participate, like he's sitting next to it, just arms folded, shaking his head,

and giving a thumbs down sign. You mean on the actual single it says that? In the notes that I read online about this. Oh, weird. Yeah, this sounds cool, too. Lots of echo and reverb. Yeah. And that is it

for their Christmas singles that's cool I like some good stuff that's a good collection there's about 42 minutes worth of material

will you send those to me? no that they could put out on a on a record if they wanted to I think you already did but it's lost

in the inbox I don't think I sent all the I basically I should put it on a thumb drive to you because it'll take literally 30 emails

to send you all this stuff. So there we have it. Good for REM. Yeah. Now, there's other Christmas material that we could talk about on a future episode. Yeah. The Minus Five, Peter Buck's spinoff band

with Scott McCoy, they put out a whole Christmas record and they just, in fact, in early November, put out a new Christmas song with Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cuties singing on it. So we can talk about, and we can also talk about Peter Buck and Scott McCoy wrote a song for the Monkees' new Christmas album.

Oh yeah, that's really cool. I don't believe we have time for that today. We're going to have to wrap it up here. But before we go, I know you have some Christmas tidings that you want to impart upon the listeners. Yeah, I really just wanted to say Merry Christmas

to my friends. I wanted to say Merry Christmas to my family. I wanted to say Merry Christmas to my family. I wanted to say Merry Christmas to my fans. I wanted to say Merry Christmas to those who don't necessarily care for my work. I wanna say Merry Christmas to you.

Thank you so much. You're welcome. Although you had already said Merry Christmas to you. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Although you had already said Merry Christmas to me. When was that? In the part about the people who don't care for your work. Oh, okay.

Well, then you got it twice. Asshole. All right. But also, thank you to everyone for making this truly the year of Are You Talking Ari?

Yeah. I don't even know where to start. It was really great having you all listen to it this year. It was our pleasure, too. I had a fun year doing this with you. Oh, yeah. It was great. Thank you so much.

A lot of fun. Super fun. And maybe we'll put out some episodes next year. Who knows? Why not? Who knows what's going on with us next year? Yeah. But until then, who knows what the future will bring,

but I hope it brings you all of everything that you want for Christmas and especially feelings of warmth and family and joy. You know, all I want for Christmas? What's that? It's my two front teeth. Yeah, I was wondering, like, how did you lose those? Yeah, I got to get those back. And I want my two front teeth.

I want them back all right we'll see you next time and until then we certainly hope that you have found what you're looking for bye I'm burning. Hey, Queeros, it's me, Cami Esposito. And I'm here to tell you about my podcast, Queery. You can sit in on hour-long conversations between me, Cameron Esposito, and some of the brightest luminaries in the LGBTQ family. Query explores individual stories of identity, personality, and the shifting cultural matrix around gender, sexuality, and civil rights.

Plus, it is fun. We have had some incredible guests. Emmy winner Lena Waithe? Yes, definitely. Congressman Mark Takano? You bet. L Word creator Eileen Shakin? Yes.

President and CEO of GLAAD, Sarah Kate Ellis? We definitely have. We've got celebs. People like Trixie Mattel, Evan Rachel Wood, Tegan and Sarah, the band, and the people, separately, on two different episodes. We also have activists

and changemakers in our community. I think it's a one-of-a-kind show full of chats you have never heard before. It's identity, it's community, it's query. You can find Query every Monday on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.