Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #001 - WELCOME TO UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

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Greetings from podcastville. Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by on it from alpha brain to new mood to shroom tech on it's got you covered. Do me a favor for today. Go to on it.com right now. I mean, listen, times are tough. Health is tough. But you got to take care of yourself. Go to on it.com right now. Take a look at the selection of what they got. I did a video that came out today on Instagram talking about the melatonin and the new mood. I mean, alpha brain is fantastic. The shroom tech is fantastic. The protein powder is fantastic. What the fuck are you waiting for? Go to on it.com right now and put in code CHCHURCH and get 10% off your first order from Uncle Joey. How's that for you? The second thing I want to talk to you is about CBD lion from vapor pens to CBD patches to back balls to tinctures to rub to the cream CBD lion has you fucking covered. Okay, what I want you to do is go if you're concerned about CBD. Go to CBD lion dot com right now and take a look read read about CBN CBD. The effects. What works for you. This will make your life a lot easier. Whether you have pain, whether you have insomnia, whether you have anxiety. This will help. Do you understand me? So do me a favor. Go to CBD lion dot com right now. Take a look at the selection of their CBD products and again, read, read. Don't go to some fucking liquor store and buy it over some guy named Peppy and nothing happens to you. Okay, so knock it off. CBD lion dot com slash shirts. Now let the motherfucking podcast begin. Candles are lit. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. I know this is not what you expected. You expected glamour and dancing girls and bitches lighting their pussies with firecrackers and shit, but that's not it today. Today we're going for bare fucking bones. Okay. What I mean with bare bones is everything's on order for some reason is fucking COVID put everything. The cameras can't get here. The iPad can't get here. The electrician couldn't come for two weeks. So I said, fuck it. I know you guys need the podcast. You need somebody to talk to. You've been sitting there going, Joey, what the fuck you've been for starters? I've been working the plan. I had a plan from day one and I'm happy. I fucking stuck to it because I was a fucking mess. Okay, the anxiety started hitting me in LA, then it downed down a little bit when I knew I was going to move. But once I did do the move, it caught on fire like those fucking fires in California. It did not stop.

Once I moved in and got settled, I started working the steps like I told you. The first move was just to get out of California. The second move was just to decompress. I'm very happy I spent those 10 days in corporate housing. I was shitting bricks. I ain't going to lie to you. I thought I'd made a mistake. I was double thinking myself, which all of us do. We all put our pants on the same fucking leg at a time. I didn't mind moving. It wasn't me. It was that I was taking my daughter and my wife and I didn't know how it was going to affect them. But those 10 days in corporate housing over in Middle New Jersey there were the best 10 days of my life. All we did was walk and fucking barbecue and fucking swim. I went to see my friends maybe two times during those 10 days, but that was all I did. Just to get the LA stink off me. Just to get the Malook eye off me, how to kill a couple fucking chickens, Santeria style, how to do what I had to do, just to get that LA fucking dirt off me. Then we moved into the house on August 31st. And then we had to fucking wait for the furniture to the fort. So for four days we slept on fucking hand mattresses. I needed an acupuncturist and 22 fucking chiropractors every fucking morning. It was close to the floor. It was a fucking nightmare, but we did it. Then school started. It's only going two days a week. But those Monday and Tuesday I got her in school. All the only two days I got to run. That's it. The rest of the time I got to share with my wife. I can't put all the burden on my wife. You dig? Number three, now they're going to school four days a week on the 19th. And that gives me more time to hang out with you cock suckers. But that was the plan. I didn't want to get off a plane and jump right into the fucking fire. My head wasn't even involved in it. I couldn't even fucking focus on anything. Thank God, thank God for fucking Alpha Brain. Thank God for notebooks. Thank God for walks. Thank God for friends. You know, it started with one friend and two friends would get together. Then three friends. And I felt comfortable again. You know, the news destroyed me in LA. I have not turned on the news one time. I don't know nothing about nothing. And guess what? I don't want to know because I've got nothing to do with me.

I'm not a member of the Republican Party, the Democratic Party. I'm a member of the Fallen Party. So that means they got nothing to do. They don't fucking even consider me. People ask me, you're going to vote. Mike Tyson is voting. I don't give a fuck. I don't want nothing to do with nothing. All I want to do is do podcasts, smoke reefer and be a father to my daughter. That's it. You're asking me, Joey, where's the reefer? There ain't no reefer. This is my fucking house. I can't be smoking reefer with a seven year old upstairs. She's on the play date. That's why I'm down here yelling and screaming. That's the other problem I have. My office is in my fucking house. So I can't be lighting fires and fucking going off and torturing motherfuckers. But I worked the plan. And that's what I was trying to say to you. Then after that, I shot the movie at a quarantine. Listen, I really wanted to shoot this movie. If I tested positive, I wouldn't be able to shoot the fucking movie. So I tried to do everything I can in my power just to stay clean. Mass, washing my hands, not that much contact. Boom. My sister-in-law dies. I got to drive to fucking Delaware, which is a hot state as it is. You get fucking COVID just picking up a piece of paper and fucking Delaware. I had to go to a funeral parlor where I'm at. So I thought I was a goner right off the bat. I want to give condolences to my family, my sister-in-law, and I hope she's resting in peace and having where she belongs. But besides that, I thought I was a goner. Then I went to a family reunion and there was a ton of fucking people that people hadn't seen in years. I tried to wear a mask as much as I can. When people were drinking, there ain't no social distancing. I was in drinking. I was freaking out in a fucking edible. I had seen people. I saw people hadn't seen in 30 fucking years. The edible scrambled my fucking mind when I saw these people. I dug into myself. I got very insulated. Finally towards the end is when my old self came back and I started enjoying myself and it was a big mistake. Not only did I eat the edibles, I gave them to my fucking family members. They were all fucked up too. I got a brother that just disappeared for like six hours. Then he came out of a bush. I'm like, what the fuck have you been eating? He goes, man, what did you give me? I gave him those ATX tablets, those 2,000 milligrams. Those things aren't fucking around, Jack. You eat two of those. They'll put you on a bus with kids with fucking helmets and special needs. They ain't fucking around, you know what I'm saying? Those things are real.

I'm not offending nobody here with special needs. I got my own problems too. My grandparents are second cousins. If anybody's retarded, it's me. So I got the right to talk about retards or fucking half-breeds, whatever the fuck they are. I got a ton of shit problems of my own. I don't need no aggravation. That's the other thing. I'm not fucking cleaning up my act. I don't give a fuck. It's 2020. If you get fucking, you know, sensitized or whatever, that's not my problem. That's your fucking problem. That's your fucking problem. I'm a student of the fucking 70s. I'm an old fucking man and I'm not fucking getting fucking, I don't even know what the word is for you fucking people. That's not gonna happen. You either take me as I come or go fuck yourself. I'm not gonna fucking change for you people because your feelings get, huh, because we're gonna walk out and who gives a fuck? Walk out, bitch. How's it feel when you don't got no insurance? You blew head cock, fucker. You know what I'm saying? We're gonna walk out because what the fuck is wrong with people? Get your fucking life together. You're getting paid. Shut the fuck up. Put your phones on. You don't like what the man says. Put your phones on. The fuck is wrong with you people? Offended. You're gonna walk out. Walk out, bitch. It's a tough motherfucking world out there trying to get insurance. What do you get that fucking COVID bill? So you better listen. You better shut your fucking mouth and you fucking don't do it. Listen, do what I do. Change the channel. You've been stuck in a hotel room in Telemundo, Zan, and you can't find the remote control. You better jump out the fucking window. Change the fucking channel. That's it. That's why we're here.

Anyway, back to the fucking story. I did the Soprano movie. I'm fucking ecstatic. It's over. That gave me a bunch of fucking tremendous booster confidence because that's what I needed. I need to get my fucking confidence back. And then we moved in and I'm like, where are we gonna do the podcast? So I divided three different fucking rooms for you people. I've dedicated three fucking rooms. It's gonna be a cold winter. You want content. I'm gonna give you some fucking content, okay? I'm gonna give you all the content I could except porn. Uncle Joey's too old to be doing porn. My dick is shrunked up. It's getting old. It smells funny. Nobody wants to do porn with an old man. As much as you people like to see it. No porn here. But I'm gonna shoot fucking content as much as I can. On Patreon, we're gonna do a record of the week. I can't do it on YouTube. You get flagged and they want to throw you under the fucking jail. So I gotta do it on Patreon. The Patreon tiers are three, five, ten and fifteen dollars starting October 12th. We're gonna switch it all around. Everybody gets a fucking bargain, okay? You do what the fuck you want to do. I'm not forcing you. You're putting a gun to your head or nothing. So after the movie, what was the next step? The next step was getting on stage. And I did that two weeks ago with Rich Voss and my dear friend Jimmy Florentine and my dear friend Rich Voss. They invited me to do an outdoor thing for Uncle Vinnie's. I got there. It was a fucking parking lot. People had chairs. Let me tell you what my biggest fear was, guys. I wasn't scared of bombing. I bombed before. If you're fucking afraid of bombing, don't get involved in this shit. You gotta bomb. I wasn't scared about bombing. The stage was up against the wilderness. Like, there was a fucking wilderness. A couple comics went up before me. I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? The biggest fear I have is that a bear is gonna come out and drag me into the fucking woods. So now I'm on stage and I'm feeling like one of those facts from Vegas. Remember that dude, the streak fear you and Lloyd, whatever the fucking name is? The tiger came out and ripped his fucking leg off? That's what I, I'm on stage trying to tell jokes. And all I'm thinking about is a fucking bear coming out and grabbing me and shit. I called Rich Voss the next day to go rich. You know, thank you for the gig, dog. For a minute there, I was fucking scared.

I thought I was gonna fucking get attacked by a bear because you're lucky you didn't come to the gig two weeks ago. He goes, there was flying squirrels and bats. He goes, I had to put my hood on or a bat would get stuck in my head. That's it. Once he said bat, that's it. I ain't doing no outdoor gigs. But I am doing every Wednesday the month of October at Vinnie's just to get my fucking feet back on the ground. Just so if you want to come down only see 36 people. So it's a small crowd. It's spaced. Hopefully you won't get COVID. I'm not looking to get COVID. I don't want you to get COVID. I want you to be healthy so you can feed your families and you can have a great Thanksgiving and a great Christmas. I don't give a fuck about this COVID shit. All right. You gotta live your life. Put the mask on. Wash your hands. Don't finger bang nobody. Not supposed to. You see some chicken. Finger me for $2. You don't want to finger that. There's COVID in that fucking hole. Don't touch that shit and try your best. That's all you can. And if you do get it, let me tell you something. You're not gonna punch the fucking ticket. It's been mutated so much now that you're gonna get sick. My heart goes out to the president. My heart goes out to Cam Newton. My heart goes out to anybody who's gotten this fucking rotten disease because you don't need the aggravation. It's been scary. It's been a heavy toll on people. You know, I guarantee you that they gotta tell you how many people have died of a heart attack. You know what? Let me tell you something. The only reason why I haven't died of a heart attack is because I got Keith Richards. Ozzy Ozzy born heart. That cocaine heart. That shit. That had to help me. Number two, I walked the hills of North Bergen as a kid. I've been going to North Bergen once a week lately. Just once a week. That's all you need in my hometown.

And when I drive those hills, I look at them and I go, I cannot fucking believe I used to walk up these fucking hills backwards. Backwards because the wind was blowing and you didn't want the wind hitting your face. I would walk up those hills with a bottle of vodka and Gatorade in one hand. Do you understand me? That's how much, how good I was. So my fat little heart couldn't... The 21st of August, I had an anxiety attack so fucking bad that I had to go lay down on my door to watch cartoons because I thought I was gonna die. I might as well die in her bed. She was watching like big city greens or something. My heart beat so hard on the 21st because I thought I made a mistake that my chest hurt for the rest of the fucking weekend. That's how high my anxiety and my stress levels were. You know, I put myself on the scale. I gained weight. That means the cortisol is loose because when you have fear, you produce cortisol and your body can't brace it down. I also joined the gym. I also got my bicycle. I also got my punching bag. So all these things were part of the steps before I could even get in front of a fucking camera for you cocksuckers. So what we did was this. I'm gonna put up on my Patreon. I'm gonna put up a film, a little video of the studio. This is the start of the studio today. This is bare bones. This is like having a can, two cans on a fucking string. We'll communicate. That's it. This is it. You guys want lights and flying saucers. Go fuck yourself. Go put on NBC. This is a podcast. This is me and you against the world talking. That's all this is.

So we're gonna start back here for today, October 5th, October 7th. I'll probably be back here and then we're gonna add things to it. You're gonna see the build up of the podcast just the same way you saw the church build up. Number one, we're gonna add some music. Number two, we're gonna add some more lighting. Number three, then we're gonna make the move to the bar. And you guys are gonna fucking love it. But I'm doing these now just to let you know Uncle Joey's here and we're gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine. Everything's beautiful. I'm back. I'm naturally back. I'm having a great time with my family. I'm gonna talk to you about something real quick. Lee's not gonna be on this podcast. And you guys know with all my heart, I love that little fucking cocksucking Jew. I called him this week for Rosh Hashanah. He's up there in Milwaukee. He's got another month of work. Lee's 32 years old. I remember being 32 years old. I remember being 20 years old and working for a bookmaker and he paid me well and my job was easy. And even at 20, I was doing it. I did it for maybe nine months, eight months. I was making 140 a day plus tips, whatever. It was a great job. But I always knew in the back of my mind that what happens when these guys get busted or when they quit and I go apply for a job. But I'm not gonna tell them I've been doing for the last fucking two years. Running numbers, that's not gonna work. That's when I left to Colorado. When I left in April of 83, I left because not that I was stuck on a job,

but it was a job that was just a job for me. I didn't want to do it forever, you know. I felt that Lee wasn't as happy as he was when he first got on. I mean, listen, for me to bring Lee to this neighborhood, this is a family fucking neighborhood. Lee would die of boredom here. We got deer, we got a couple raccoons, and that's it. There's nothing down here. He'd have to be closer to the city. And the city is a fucking mess right now. Believe it or not, I care about Lee. And believe it or not, Lee's a mark. They'll chase him and beat that poor kid up to death, and I didn't want that to happen. I felt guilty enough leaving Dean Delray and other ones in my buddies in LA. I felt guilty enough, you know. But with Lee, I made sure he left because I didn't want him staying in LA. Steve Simone left. I still talked to Lee. He's still one of my best buddies in the world. I just thought it was a good time for Lee to move on. And I called him a few weeks ago. He went to see Sam Chippley up in Madison, and they took a picture, and his smile was fucking amazing. And I called him the next day and I go, where are you? And he goes, I'm in my hotel room. That's when he got stuck in my hotel room with the stairs.

So he didn't leave because he had stairs. The stairs were torching him. The Hindus ran it. Everything smelled like curry. I loved it. They were torching him. So I told him one day, I go, hey man, do you have access to that picture? And he looked at it or whatever. I go, look at your smile in that picture. I haven't seen that smile in a long time. I go, you know what? The podcast with me, the church, was great for you for a while. I thought Lee would come to me one day and say, I need to move on. You know, I'm going to start my own podcast. I'm going to start my own network. I'm going to start my whatever. But I didn't, he didn't do that. He just worked for me. And I kept getting guiltier and guiltier. You know, he had a couple side jobs, whatnot. But it was basically Sunday and Tuesday. And then there's five days that you sit around. It's like my daughter, I can't have Lee sitting around for five days down here. There's nothing to do. He'll die down here. There ain't nothing to do. I'm barely keeping it together. Thank God I smoke weed and I drop an edible from time to time. I go for a bike ride. You know, you know, and number two, I got Jimmy Florentine. Guys, let me explain something to you right now.

I know you guys are tight with me. I know you guys dig me. I need you to do me a favor. Because sometimes in life, we don't know. We just don't know. This whole move, like I told Brendan Schaub on Monday last week on this podcast, this move was eminent for me. This was coming no matter what, whether it was COVID or not. I was coming March 9th, March 10th, I was coming here to do NIAC, March 12th, and then to shoot the movie on the 16th and 17th. But those other days, I was going to meet with a realtor and we were going to look at houses in Dumont, Crescal, you know, TNAC, Tenefly, towards up there. There's another place, not Alpine and not Englewood Clips or nothing like that. There was places up there, little pockets that had great schools, Leonea. I'm close to the bridge. I'm close to the city. I'm close to my friends, but not close enough, you know, that type of shit. That was all going to go down, March. And then we were coming as a family, April 4th, to buy the house and we were going to move. This is common knowledge. Me and my wife had been talking about this for years. My wife had wanted to come here for years, so the move shouldn't have been a shock to anybody, because we were doing it any way you put.

In fact, it was going to probably be we buy the house in April, spend the summer in LA, and then we were going to move like August 15th. It was going to be the same result. So a lot of people that know that, you think that I was leaving anyway. And at that time, if there wasn't COVID, yeah, I might have brought Lee. If there wasn't COVID and we could still rock, we were closer to the city. Lee has access to New York City. He could do his spots. But down here, I'm an hour away from the city. There's no young kids down here. You either go to high school or you're my fucking age down here. That's what they have down here. They don't have no bars down here for young kids. They got nothing. So I didn't want to waste any more of Lee's time. We did an eight-year run. We did close to 900 fucking episodes. We have nothing to be embarrassed about. We went out the right way like gentlemen. We let you know there was no misunderstanding. The beautiful thing is, he's still my fucking brother. So don't worry about Lee. Lee's doing great. I miss him and he'll be watching this and eventually we'll zoom him in on one of the podcasts just to make you guys feel better.

I want to talk to you about something that's really important here that I've just figured out. This whole move wouldn't have happened without Jimmy Florentine. I don't know if you know who Jimmy Florentine is or who isn't. Let me tell you what Jimmy Florentine is. He's a great guy with a great fucking family. When I tell you, if he was running for president, I would vote for him. He's that good of a guy. He's opened up his home and his family to me. I know all his brothers, his sisters, his sister-in-law, Somi, the house. This is a phenomenal guy. If you don't know who Jimmy Florentine is or what he's been on or what he's done or his comedy, do me a favor. Check him out. Support him. If he comes to your town, I know he's going to Akron next weekend. He's got a couple dates. Always support Jimmy Florentine because when you're supporting Jimmy Florentine, Rich Voss, those guys, you're supporting Uncle Joey. Those guys made it possible for me to move down here. All I had to do was call Jimmy Florentine one time because once the corona hit, the hotspot was up there. So now we were fucked. We're like, what the fuck are we going to do? We can't move into a hotspot in the middle of a fucking coronavirus.

So I remembered that I had a brother who lived down here and I enjoyed it because he used to sell fish. And what this cocksucker would do is wake up at four, get to the city at 4.45, we would go to a foot and fish market, we would get some fish, go get a fucking egg on a fucking roll. We would deliver the fish to eight or 10 restaurants and we'd be back down here by 1-1-30. He had a special shower put in his garage. He would take a shower because he smelled like fish, then I would take a shower because I smelled like fish. And then we'd jump in the fucking pool. His wife would come out, we'd hang out out there and then whatever fish of the day he'd put on the grill while we were swimming, the fish would be cooking. We'd get out, we'd fucking eat some fish, we'd hang out and then at eight o'clock I'd borrow his car. They had a drive-thru carvel. This is when I was about 380. A drive-thru carvel, I couldn't even hold the steering wheel because I would buy a cone and a milkshake. I'd have to fucking drive like one of those fucking little dinosaurs, whatever the fuck you call them, one of those little guys with little hooks.

I would just have to pull my way out of the driveway, eat the fucking cone and then out of the drive home I would drink the milkshake and then walk in with the milkshake and they'd say, that's all you got was a milkshake? Yeah, that's all I got. Fuck you. I got a double cone with sprinkles and whipped cream and shit. I was busting the calorie meter and busting the diabetes zone. I've only been to Carvel one fucking time since I've been here, even though Lee gave me a $100 gift card because that's how Lee thinks. I was going to go to Carvel every fucking day and be Johnny Diabetes. What the fuck do you do with a $100 gift card in Carvel besides fucking kill yourself? You know what I'm saying? That's how sweet he is. That's how he's thinking. He's like, I'm moving to Jersey. I'm getting a $100 Carvel card. Who the fuck gets a $100 Carvel card? I got like a $96 balance in Carvel. I took my daughter and me and my wife split a fucking cone. That's it and that's that. But like I was saying to you, when this happened and I couldn't move up north, I called Jimmy and Jimmy was like, I'm on it. My sister-in-law is a realtor. I put my wife together with his sister-in-law and the rest is fucking history.

So if you're looking for a house called Trish Florentine, okay, cocksuckers? What do you think you're dealing with? Joey fucking bananas. I even got realtors in my fucking world. That's how we're fucking doing it when I'm fucking around here. So I called Jimmy Florentine. We looked at some houses. I lied to me and my wife. We liked this one. A friend of mine from North Bergen is an inspector. He came down. He did the walkthrough for me. He took a thousand pictures. He wrote what work needed to be done in the house. How are we going to fix it? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Boom. We're here. How do you like me now, bitches? So this is the studio for maybe the next two and a half, three weeks. And then we show you the big fucking, the bar. The bar is tremendous. We're not going to do no smoking weed, even though they're going to vote it into the ballot.

I talked to Murphy the other day. We're going to stuff some fucking ballots for the marijuana thing. You know me, dawg. I'm going to keep smoking pot because wherever I'm standing, it's legal. That's just the way it is. I got like a three by three cube around me. Wherever I'm standing, marijuana is legal. A lot of people, it's like being on Star Trek when you're with me. A blue light comes right next to you and you can smoke in that blue light and nobody will say nothing to you. I don't give a fuck. If you're a police officer and you want to say something to me, if I'm driving, I'll take the fucking punishment. But if I'm just standing on a corner, walking on foot, smoking a joint out in the fresh air of love and God's love and air, I got it coming to me. Don't even fucking say two words to me. You got bigger fucking things to fry. You got better. There's somebody driving with no insurance. Go chase them down. You're going to come bother me because I'm smoking a fucking joint. It's 2020. Come on.

Give me a fucking break. I'll border you. You know what I'm saying? And I support the cops fully. I support what you do. I support your work. You know, I'm not here to defund the police. You know, you can't fucking be mad at all of them because of two bad fucking apples. All right? You know, most cops are fucking great. I'm friends with a ton of cops. I get most of my information from cops. I support them in anywhere they can. You know, I'm a felon. And when a felon tells you that I support cops, what does that tell you? I support them. So go fuck yourself, okay? You can't round them all up. It's like anything else. What are you going to say? Cuban people are bad because of Tony Montana? Go fuck yourself. They're not bad. Oh, Cubans are bad. I know one Cuba. Joey Diaz, he went there. No. Cubans are decent fucking people.

I just turned out to be one of the pieces of shit. Right? The same fucking thing we're talking about here. As long as we got that settled, now you know what I'm talking about. I ain't mad at nobody. I'm happy with everybody. The stress levels are down. And guess what? I'm ready to fucking take over. Like, I'm ready. I'm ready to get my piece. I'm not looking to be Dave Chappelle or Kevin Hart or Joe Rogan. I never was. I just wanted a little piece of the fucking pie just to let me know that I was on the right track. That my work did something. It did fucking something. Look at the background. You got Def Leppard, High and Dry, one of my favorite albums. You got Led Zeppelin II, the album that started for me. I'm going to get into that later about the album of the week.

But Led Zeppelin II, the first time I heard Led Zeppelin II made me smoke weed. So I had to put it up behind me. A Game of Death is behind me. The Last Bruce Lee Pictures is a poster given to me by Mr. Alvarado, whatever it was. Now I can't think of his name. Fucking great kid. I'm too fucking stoned. I don't know what happened. And over here I got fucking ACDC. Bottom five. What are you fucking nuts? A little something for Dean Delray out of respect. I miss Dean with all my heart. I know you guys are still supporting him on Patreon and whatnot. I miss that dude. We talk every day. I know he did a gig at an Amphitheater the other night and whatnot. And that's it and that's that. This is going to be the simple fucking studio.

But the next time you come on the podcast, there'll be something else. Then the next time there'll be music. Then the next time there'll be fucking. Every time we're going to get stronger for you. Okay? I just wanted you guys to understand where I'm at. I want to close your one thing though, that I realized that I didn't know I had no fucking idea. And I might as well talk to you about it right now, cock suckers, because it's Monday. This is what we do on a Monday morning. What I want to talk to you is, I feel like I lied to you people.

I've been thinking about this for the last two weeks, because I didn't know it. I feel like I lied to you people. Over the last, well, I started moving. I started finding shit. And I started reading creepy shit. And I started ripping up a lot of shit. And if I could have burnt it on fire, I would have burnt it on fire. I found those old notebooks. All the notebooks I had when I started from 91, I collected those notebooks. And all those notebooks got taken away when my apartment got towed. When I had that apartment, look at the car that I lived in on Ralphie's block.

And they towed my headshots. They towed all my fucking VHSs. They took all my clothes. I mean, they took everything. So all those notebooks were gone. But what I did find, I got some shit to show you motherfuckers. In this move, I found the box of my old call sheets. I have a call sheet to every project I ever worked on. What's a call sheet, Joey? It's like your name, who you're working with, what scenes you're doing, who the director is, what time you're starting,

what the temperature is going to be for the day, what the high and low is, what time the fucking thing ends, the three scenes, it's call sheets. I found a fucking envelope of all my fucking call sheets. From Marin to fucking the longest shot. I don't know how many days on the longest shot I found all the fucking call sheets. I found the call sheets for the first job I ever booked, 19 Wheels of Justice. I found shit you wouldn't imagine. But I also found old notebooks. Old notebooks that went back to 99.

And I gotta tell you something. I read through my old golds. And through my old fucking, like what I wanted at that time. Dog, some of this shit was creepy. I mean, I had to like fucking look at it and go, this is when I was getting high. And I would write those journals. Oh, holy shit. I started reading some of those fucking journals and my heart broke. And towards the end of me getting high, it seemed like I just wanted to fucking die. It seemed like what I was reading was fucking scary as shit. And I thought about those...

We did these series with Joe Rogan. Red Band has him. I think Red Band has even posted it up. We've discussed this before. In like 2006 or 2007, I'm like a fucking coke bender mixed with fucking Vicodin and alcohol. I did a show with Joe at the House of Blues. We did like two nights and I disappeared after the first night. And the second night we did it and I just was the day after you get high. You know, you have no fucking chemicals and you have no serotonin. You're not happy. You've just used up everything like you just killed it.

I was numb. I remember going on stage and getting off and them asking me like, what's the problem? And me telling them like, I was just sick and tired of fucking this life. I really was. In 2006, I was sick and tired of this fucking... Not comedy and not my life, but that I couldn't get away from the cocaine. But you had to read the shit I was writing in 99 about it. Like I had the notebooks. I cried. I fucking cried. I couldn't believe that that's what my mind was at. And I kept reading and I kept writing. And this shit got intriguing.

Like this shit got interesting. Like I didn't want nobody to get their hands on this shit. I started reading this thing like a fucking Hitchcock novel. I just could not let it go because I could not believe that I was in that bad a shape. And mentally, emotionally. I mean, the only thing that was keeping me abroad was stand-up. And then I read the notebooks after I met my wife. And, you know, I had respect for her. Like I could read and the things that I liked her. You know, thank God I had a like on me. She was my girlfriend.

But I could see me, the writing of me from liking her to falling in love with her. That's pretty fucking amazing. Like I saw the writing cross over. Then there was a big gap in notebooks. Like for some reason there was like two notebooks that were missing. And I picked up again when the cocaine, when I was free from the cocaine. That's why I tell you guys, you got to write those journals. You finish, just put them in a drawer. And just keep writing and put them in a drawer and put them in a drawer and put them in a drawer.

And then when you have the time, put them in a box and put like a note of what years these were. If I could do it all over again, I would do it that much better. I did the best I could for what I knew. But now at 57, guys, you got to keep a journal. You got to keep a journal to see where your heart is on a daily basis and why you feel that way. I'm telling you, it's like documenting everything. I read shit that made me fucking cringe at what I was thinking. I was not writing the fucking head.

But when you read the paperwork from 2006, the journal from 2007, when you read the journals from 2009, it's like a different fucking person. You could see the influence the drugs had over my mind, my creativity, everything that surrounded me. Drugs were a major part of it. It's a fucking nightmare to read. But the truth that I wanted to come to you with, something I found out in those motherfuckers, I've told you guys for years.

When I got into comedy, it wasn't to be Dave Chappelle. It wasn't to be Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce or Lenny Clark for that matter. I just wanted to get saved. I wanted to be a human being. I didn't want to be a mayor. I didn't want to be a president. I didn't want to be a people looked up to. I just wanted to be normal.

I just didn't want to steal. I didn't want to fucking do drugs. Is that too much to ask? I just wanted a job. I didn't want to be rich. I didn't care about boats. I didn't care about nothing. I just wanted a function, like a human being without fucking drugs.

The reefer, please. The reefer's kid stuff. That doesn't affect you at all. If it does, it affects some people from time to time. You got to give it a breather. Even I give it a breather from time to time. Some days, I don't know when the last time I took an edible was. I had a Monday.

Monday I took an edible. Oh my God, I was fucked up. I took Lil Florentine's son, his sister, my wife and my daughter, and we all went out to eat and Jim Florentine has a son and he's a little older than my daughter. But they get along. He's got the patience of the saint. So we all went out to eat and I took the edible like I thought. I was a little bored.

It was Monday. I'd done everything I had to do. I worked out. Something else happened Monday. Something happened. Not the compressor guy. Somebody else was supposed to come. Oh, that was a Jewish holiday.

So Mercy was home. So it threw my fucking day off. So actually it was. My day was thrown off completely. I couldn't do what I had to do. And I looked in the drawer debt and I saw there was some fucking old school lettables in there. I had a mix because I brought a few different types from LA with me. The number one ones are the fucking, the ATX, those 200 milligram, those orange scary things.

They're fucking scary. I didn't even take one of those. I didn't even take one of those. I took the ones from the whatever labs that I have that they're 25 milligrams each, but they put something else in them. I don't know what they put in them, but they put something else on them. I'm telling you right now, Uncle Joey knows and somebody put something in those motherfuckers and now they got a hashtag. So what did I do? I fucking took four hashtags off the bat.

I put the video up. You guys saw it. I put four hashtags off the bat. Then after the video turned off, I decided to eat two more because you know, I'm a fucking calvone and it didn't stop there. They sent me a little chocolate bar. I don't know how many milligrams it was. It didn't matter at that point. I ate that too.

Next thing you know, I'm fucking falling asleep everywhere. I am fucking nodding like a junkie. I do not remember the diner. I don't remember eating. I don't remember what the fuck I ate. All I remember is when I went to weigh myself in on Thursday, the dude told me, you gained weight. What the fuck happened? I go, I have no idea.

And then yesterday, two days ago, when I went to Jimmy Florentine's son's game, he's like, Uncle Joey, those disco fries were great. I go, what disco fries? He goes, the ones we ate on Monday, they were the best disco fries I ever had. I go, we had disco fries. No wonder I fucking gained weight. Jesus fucking Christ. Disco fries are what they give you with a cheeseburger deluxe. Let me tell you something.

There's other reasons, but I love New Jersey. They have a thing called the cheeseburger deluxe. I have not gotten to get it yet. I have been to a diner. I go get breakfast at a diner. Nice diners here, real close to the house. My daughter loves them. My wife loves them.

I have not. In the old days, if you got a cheeseburger deluxe, it was a cheeseburger with steak fries. Not those little California HIV fries they give you. I don't like those skinny fries. Take those and shove them up your ass. If you're going to give me a fry, give me a fucking fry. Not that I need to eat a fry. I'm just telling you right now, in the old days, I don't need to eat fries right now.

But I did eat them the other day. So you take fucking, you take fries, you put mozzarella cheese on it, you melt it, and then you put fucking gravy on it. That's a disco fry. Do you understand me? You have no fucking idea how good those things were. So when the waitress came to the table, they're like, I'll take a cheeseburger. I go, two orders of disco fries for the table. Because the kids were there.

I knew they would lose their mind. My daughter lost her fucking mind. Do you understand? My daughter has stopped using ketchup. That's an insult to California. That's how bad the food for us in California. That my daughter hasn't even used ketchup since we moved to Jersey. She's like, the food tastes like something your daddy.

That's right. We're in fucking Jersey. Even I tasted a baked potato last night. My wife made a baked potato. She bought it at Shop Right. I even asked. I go, is it me? Or does this fucking potato taste better?

The potato is delicious. I only ate a half of baked potato. The points. The wait watching points. It's five. You eat the half. It's two and a half. Fuck it.

What do you know? Maybe you're the fucking mentor out today or something. You got an extra point in there. But I got that fucked up. My wife said something to me. She goes, you know you will fucking have it. Then we came home from the diner. And I sat on the chair in the living room and just passed out.

I woke up like a two. Everybody was gone. There were one man I was watching cartoons with my daughter. And then everybody was gone. And the next morning after breakfast, my wife said to me, what happened to you last night? I don't know. I ate four of those things. Maybe six.

Maybe eight. I don't fucking know. Because once I eat them in the afternoon, I'm a goner. Because I'll keep popping them. I forget that I popped them. And I'll pop everything. I'll pop one of those. I'll pop a high blood pressure pill.

Because I'll start thinking that I take my blood pressure medication. And then I take more. And then I'm walking around all fucked up all afternoon. I got problems. I'm here. I'm the first one to admit it. That I got fucking problems. Don't even let me tell you about meeting the Viking and by mistaken going on a bike ride.

I never even told you that one yet during the pandemic. I had a thousand accidents. I melted the tea kettle at the fucking corporate housing. Because I got so high. And I couldn't hear the tea kettle going off without my hearing aids. I got stories, bitches. But we're going to wait and give you those later. These are the stories of the corona fucking pandemic.

The things I went through. You know how many nights I got up? The first two weeks of the pandemic, I must have gained fucking 20 pounds. I was up. I don't even want to tell you how much weight I gained the first month after the pandemic. Because all I was doing was eat nettles and fucking eat. Then we started working out and the anxiety went down. I started riding my bicycle and we got to wait back to normal.

But I've had fucking adventures during this pandemic. Every time my wife goes to bed at 9.30, you might as well raise the insurance on the house. You don't know if I'm going to burn it down. Dog, I melted the tea kettle. Do you understand me? I was so high. I fucking was watching TV and I couldn't. I was making tea to relax and I couldn't hear the fuck.

But I went back there. The thing was twisted and collapsed on top of itself. The whistle wasn't even working. It was going like, it was fucked up. I poured the tea. I didn't say nothing to nobody. I had to pick it up with a fucking towel. It was so hot.

The next morning my wife came up and said, what the fuck happened to the tea kettle? I said, I don't know. I couldn't fucking hear it. So now if I make tea, I stand there like a soldier because I don't want to burn my house down. I've got to stand there for 10 minutes and wait until the whistle goes off like the asshole that I am. I got problems. What are you going to do? If you're going to smoke roof, you've got to hydrate.

Fuck suckers. Anyway. So what story I want to tell you that was a lie was, I didn't say it as a lie. I just didn't even know what I got into this thing. I got into this thing to be exactly where I am today. I didn't get into this thing because I wanted to drive a Maserati. I didn't get into this thing because I wanted to be a movie star. I didn't get into this thing because of none of those reasons.

I got into this thing to be somebody, to make my friends proud of me. These friends that I've been seeing lately that I go to lunches with or dinner with from time to time. Listen, the page has been flipped. One of the reasons why I didn't want to move to New Jersey was because the truth was finally going to be told. I did some fucked up things when I was a kid here. I don't expect a fucking parade. I don't expect a parade. I do expect some people to actually wait for an apology.

I've apologized to as many people as I can. I've sent cards to as many people as I can. But I know me coming here for a weekend and me living here is two different stories. I've been hearing a couple of things lately. So I keep my things light. But the truth of the matter is I wanted to be in this position. What position is that? A position where I can make the friends that I do have, the friends that I go to dinner with and whatnot.

When we're eating and somebody comes to the table and they said, hey, I like down the Rogan podcast or I like you on Marin or whatever. I look at my friends and their fucking faces light up. And that means more to me. Remember, these are my friends when I was robbing people. They didn't become my friends after I got a Netflix special or after I had a podcast or after I was on Joe Rogan special. These guys were my friends when I was straight up robbing people. And they knew it.

But they knew where my heart was. They knew where my past had been. And they knew I was a little fucked up. But they let that slide. They knew what my heart was. And now today they see me. They see me with a daughter. They see me with a wife.

They see I'm not doing drugs. They see that I'm fucking doing something with my life. And they see that I did something with my life. You know, Tuesday I went up to my mom's grave. The fucking flower shop was closed. Sure. 9.30 they went on vacation. 9.30.

That's the date. So whenever that was, Wednesday, I went up there. The fucking flower shop was closed. I ended up going to my buddy's house. My buddy's funeral parlor and hanging out with him. Yeah, my buddy has a funeral parlor. And I grew up with him. And I went over there and sat with him for two hours and talked with another friend of mine that I grew up with.

And then I was going to go get Cuban food, but there was too much fucking traffic. So I said, fuck it, I made it right. And I went to this little restaurant from Spain. And I was sitting there and just a friend of mine called me out of the blue. I had called a couple of friends. One friend was on vacation. I couldn't get a hold of him. And a friend of mine called and I said, I'm over here.

Come over and join me. You know, I hadn't seen him. He came over and sat with me. And all of a sudden we ate. And while we're eating, I asked the waiter for the bill. And the waiter goes, it's been taken care of. And I go, there's nobody here. Who the fuck are they taking care of?

And he goes, the owner did. And I looked at the owner and I left a nice tip and I went over and I shook the. But that's not the moral of the story. The moral of the story is you should have seen my friend's face. He couldn't believe it. He's like, who bought you fucking dinner? I go, I don't know. And when I went over and shook the owner's hand, I came back.

My buddy had a smile from here to fucking here. Like this is one of my friends that we used to drive into the city with and do some crazy shit with. When we were sitting and when I went back and sat down on the table, he had a grin from either here. He was happy. I could tell he was so fucking proud. So right then is when I noticed that I got into this to make my friends proud. I wanted to do something with my life. So yeah, I never thought I would be an extra or any of that shit.

But you know what? At the end I made it to where I am. And my Dave Chappelle, not really. And my fucking, my man, Bill Burt, not really. I'm Joey fucking Diaz. I don't know how I got here. I got here through hard work, minding my business, sticking my fucking nose to the fucking grind and doing spots and writing and never giving up.

No matter what I read in those fucking pages, I never gave up. No matter what I felt, I never gave up. And that's why we're here. And this is why we do the fucking podcast. So I want to apologize to you guys for saying that when I got into this, I just wanted to be normal. No, I wanted to do something with my life because I had approved to my friends that what they did for me wasn't in vain.

They did something for me. I wanted to prove to them that they had made the right choice. They made all mistakes in their life. That's fine. But they made the right choice by friending me. That means the world to me. And me doing what I'm doing today means the world to them, that they were a part of it. And that's it.

And that's that. This has been Uncle Joey's joint for this week, October 5th, 2020. The pandemic is still on, but they can't stop us. You understand me? We're going to be keep doing these. I don't know if it's Monday and Wednesday. I don't know if it's Tuesday, Thursday. I don't know what it is.

And you don't know what it is. We're just going to show up on your fucking screen and you're going to watch it and you're going to enjoy it and you're going to have a good time. And that's it. And that's that. Well, we have guests. Yes, we'll have guests. Well, we have videos.

Yes, we'll have videos. Well, we have explosions and fire. Something's going to happen. You know what I'm saying? Something will happen. We'll get the chick to come down and finally fart on Lee's face. We'll do some type of live podcast for you guys, some Christmas extravaganza. I'm just playing it with the pandemic.

I don't want to overstep my boundaries. I know you guys got your schedules and your lives. I'm just here to give you a little bit of fucking, you know, one hour to maybe relax. Listen to me. Get your head together. Say to yourself, Hey, I thought I had a bad, this fucking guy's really retarded. You know, just whatever you want. This is what this hour is for.

Again, you go to patreon.com slash joey dears. If you want more videos or more content, this podcast, Uncle Joey's joint is free. It'll always be free and it'll always come at you at YouTube. Do not forget this Wednesday, the 7th of October, eight o'clock. Uncle Vinny's the 14th, the 21st and the 28th, all Wednesdays, 38 tickets, $20 to get in, working out with Uncle Joey. Nice and easy, no fucking drama. Okay.

Number one, I want to thank my sponsors. All of them. They all stuck around. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. Manscaped, draft kings, the fucking hard on people, everybody stuck around. So I don't know what the fuck I was reading online the other day. Some people that he had no sponsor. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Today's show is sponsored by my fucking family. My peeps since day one. Mother fucking on it, baby, right here. Our fucking brain, mushrooms, new tropics, whatever the fuck they call it. This is what got me through. Eating one of these started me going through. Once I got the fucking corporate housing, I started with these. But my sleeping was off.

I'm going to bed at two o'clock now, two, three o'clock in the morning, because I'm used to California time. I had to cut it back. Oh, I got to spray one of these just for Lee, just to make sure he's not in the area. They clean off the speed, those mallows, you know what I'm saying? You always got to think of Lee. Anyway, so I was having a hard time sleeping. I started taking new moods.

It helped. It was really good. Then I got sent the melatonin. These two together, forget about it. You're sleeping in fucking ten minutes. You understand me? What I'm trying to say to you is I've been one on it since day one, and I'm still with fucking on it.

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delivered right to your fucking house. I want to thank Anit. I want to thank the church. I want to thank One By One Podcast. And I want to thank you guys for fucking sitting there saying, enjoy it. When are you going to come with something for free? I'm paying over there.

Patreon. You got to give me something for free. There you go. You got the podcast of the week. We're going to come at you twice a week. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you very much for being a part of it. And stay black.

We'll see you in a few days.