Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #003 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... This episode is bought to you by Lucy.CO, CBD Lion & DraftKings!  Go to www.lucy.co and enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.draftkings.com and enter CODE: CHURCH Go to www.CDBLion.com and enter CODE: JOEY The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Pressing Joey and that's it and that's that Candles lit motherfuckers the joint is about to begin I Look who it is You What's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here for uncle Joey's join this Monday the 12th of October Hope you had a great weekend your family. You're safe the whole fucking bullshit Thank you for all the condolences for my friend Roger Holloway the wake is tonight from 4 to 8

Up in Northburg and the problem is There's no school today and I already made plans with the girls and another family and their kids to fucking go down to the beach and Spend the afternoon. So hopefully we'll get back in time. I could jump in my car and go up there, you know Roger was a dear friend Part of the reason I'm still fucking here and where I got my comedy chops Was from fucking Roger. So I owe him a lot a lot of Christmases at his house a lot of holidays Thanksgiving's, you know, he was just one of the families

Where I grew up and one of the houses where I grew up and I mean his parents are gone But I still got to do what I got to do. You know what I'm saying? It's it's that easy You know that this going around the lot today a lot of People contact me Joey my uncle died my aunt died I mean the guy bought the house from lost his father August 1st and his mother September 17th and You know, this just goes back to talk about What happened with like Roger, you know, he was fine. He was sober Everything was great 20 years

Part of a church went down to Katrina Help people get it together and then one of his parents passed and the second one of his parents passed And let me tell you something man. There's nothing like pain And unless you've had pain, you know, all these fucking experts. Oh Alcoholism is a disease drug and abuses of disease. Yeah, it's all great and dandy if that's how you feel about it But I think it all stems to pain. I mean when it came to me doing drugs It came to fucking pain. I was walking around a fucking, you know I remember when they had those pain specialists in Florida and people moving to Florida all my back hurts my soul hurts

That wasn't the pain. They were there for they were there for some internal pain that you don't even know about You don't know about it way afterward when you quit doing drugs and that pain comes up You address it and you move the fuck on and then you wonder to yourself. Oh, it's a miracle I don't do drugs no more. No, the miracle is you figured out where the fucking pain was and you solved it when you take it You're taking an aspirin. You're like, well, how do I know what this aspirin's going if I take an aspirin? How does it know that my fucking foot hurts? What's the same thing with pain? Listen, man, I had a lot of fucking pain going into comedy that to my mother

father Fucking divorce Losing a child, you know, I had tons of pain and I made it work for me Yes, I also spent the half a billion dollars on cocaine Trying to numb me to fuck down, but it wasn't a miracle That I fucking got clean in 2007. It wasn't it was a miracle What it was was I realized what the pain was dealt with it and moved on

Long was the pain of my mother and father. That's bullshit. I mean you still feel it from time to time holidays certain things but Was I walking around like my mommy died unless you wear it like a fucking badge on your fucking sleeve Then people are gonna know the last Big chunk of pain that that fucking made me go through comedy was my war with my ex And I don't know what happened. I mean me not seeing her You know made my addiction fucking go on fire. I'm going back 2004 2005 My addiction was so out of control that that it's just

Why even go into the storage you've heard them all But they were out of fucking control me sitting here looking back at 13 years ago Somewhere along the line. I must have wrote in the journal That I was over my daughter or something like that and I gotta tell you something The pain disappeared and once the pain disappears. You won't need fucking drugs no more At least I don't listen. I gotta like a couple pains now I smoke if you smoke weed. I didn't even consider that a fucking drug

Few people will make a big deal about smoking weed Give yourself a fucking break. Okay Legalizing weed. I've been watching marijuana People smoking marijuana and time is close to five And I gotta tell you something even as an outsider looking in I used to go to movies with my godfather and he would smoke a joint right in front of me And he would giggle and then afterward we would go to tad steakhouse and get a fucking steak or something Lowman hatton

So what crime had he committed? What else did he do on the weed? He did nothing. It just makes you fucking chill out Speaking of weed. I don't want you to think I'm fucking being a half a fruitcake. Let me tell you something After wednesday's podcast. I was spraying that spray, right? I had that spray in that desk I brought that from california me I bought the regular spray the thousand milligram spray and I brought the sleep one Because all the products in california, especially edibles are making a sleep product even abx My man just on an abx

They're making a capsule. There's 50 milligrams 100 milligrams, but they also make a 10 milligram That's just for sleep that they put melatonin in there and chamomile and every other fucking thing, you know Last week I put up a video for on it on it's got some great fucking Whatever the fuck melatonin turkey juice In the fucking thing you just do six sprays of the haunted fucking Turkey juice, whatever the fuck you're going down. Trust me last week. I had a one night where I did Three things under my tongue of the cocomole tincture Okay, I ate two of the cocomole two milligram thc pills

I got a cup of tea I went into the living room. I don't know what I was watching And 10 minutes later I woke up with the tea spilled all over me. I had tea on my socks tea on my sweats I had tea fucking everywhere. That's how strong this cocomole shit is Mixed with the melatonin. I need all the help I could get at night And like I said, I can't do the sleeping pills at night because I'll fucking die in my sleep And I don't need I don't want to die right now, but Last fucking Wednesday

I'm fucking around with you guys, you know, doing all these What the fuck do people think I I get all these emails. Joey, you even knew like their haters. Joey, you're in Jersey. What are you gonna smoke now? That's what I'm smoking now cocksuckers A vapor nobody even knows nothing. I can put it in the car with me. Nobody knows nothing You can blow this in the cop's face. They're like, what's the matter? I gotta ask them a fuck. No This is what they gave chris chris. We at the fucking hospital. But he went in there that fat fuck Anyway, here's to you cocksuckers abx edibles

On a beautiful monday morning. Fuck you like joey. Why would you ruin your day? Fuck you I'm getting my day started right jack. Some people take vitamins. I open up with a fucking edible of life And Death just to get the party started so I do that fucking spray. I'm fucking around with you guys. What could have been telling the fucking morning? I don't know about three o'clock I'm at the park of my daughter my wife looks over me. She goes What the fuck have you been smoking? I go

Nothing I haven't smoked since my little breakfast fucking joint And she goes you gotta see the look on your face right now. You are fucking hired and fuck And all of a sudden I sat at the park I'm making believe like I'm looking at trees and bluebirds and shit And I was just looking out into the fucking abyss. I'm like, I am fucked up So we had to come home Uh and get changed. You know, we went right to the park was one of those days Listen, when you're a parent, you're just running all day, especially in New Jersey

You're fucking running all fucking day. So I uh We came home. I took like a piss washed my hands Mercy put on a little kickboxing suit and we went over The kickboxing when I went upstairs To wash to wash my hands. I looked at myself in the mirror I looked like fucking a body was floating I mean my eyes were popping out of my head like Marty Felman did fucking an ounce of low Both of them were popping out of my fucking head

I had to put vizena and I had to put cream under my eyes Just so I was percentable enough to go to her kickboxing class I don't want those people talking bad about me, especially when my daughter's there, you know But when I came back I was like I was fucked up and I didn't make it the vinnies And it went fucking great, man So ha you motherfuckers thought I was gonna get all fucked up And not make it the vinnies Like right now I'm just eating that up because I know what my day is like

I gotta go away with the girls. I'm gonna probably end up walking fucking three miles My hamstring is gonna hurt. I'm not gonna give a fuck because I'm gonna be too fucked up to even think about my hamstring And then I'll probably have my friend pick me up and we'll shoot up to the fucking wake together I'll see some friends. I'll give some hugs I'll be at a covoidial situation, but we make our best when you're in a covoidial situation You get home and you burn your clothes. You understand me. It's like you killed your girlfriend. I'm buried in the woods Same thing. You fucking burn your clothes sneak his socks You don't want none of that formaldehyde COVID mix

On your fucking clothes. You were saying or in your lungs that formaldehyde's a motherfucker Compared with the fucking COVID you'll never know. All those people went to wakes Half of them fucking died. You imagine dying because you went to see somebody dead How dumb do you feel my casket? I should have mind my business and stayed home and watched the six o'clock news What the fuck? But he was my brother He was there for me from the ages. I mean, I knew Roger from probably McKinley but we reconnected in high school and it was

you know I I think of my life and I wonder how the fuck I didn't go the easy way out like I just didn't go the easy way out. I had every opportunity to go the easy way out and Because anybody who's lost a mother knows all the woman pain, especially when you're a fucking child You know, let's face it. Yeah, I thought you guys I was a man at 16 I was a retarded fucking child that was just learning. I had to become a man overnight And I don't know how I fucking did not jump off a bridge But I'll tell you why because I had friends like stinky

Had friends like roger had friends like fernie Had friends like fucking Mike runny. I had friends I had friends that kept me entertained And this is why I tell you even with this COVID right now in this isolation It's not gonna work for you. You gotta be around some people I'm not talking. I don't want you to go down to a fucking protest and jump upside down and fucking You know state some stupid shit that's the debunked the belief. Yeah, that's great. That's gonna work I want you to just go you got a friend you got a cousin

Start by going and talking to them one on one on a one-on-one basis buying a cup of coffee. How cheap are you? Buying a cup of fucking coffee talk to them Start this rap game. How do I know because I know how to get out of a hole I've been in Thousands of fucking holes. You want to get out of a hole? You got to do it the right way You got a right. You got to talk to people. I mean six weeks ago. Look at that fucking tape I made From corporate housing when I'm smoking outside. Look at the bags under my eyes. Look at my hand shaking All that was taken care of when I go to a psychiatrist all of a sudden

I got I went to a voodoo doctor. No, I went back to basics Alphabrain notebook Wrapping with people not on the phone not texting Showing up to the house with a fucking mask on Let's go in the backyard. You get a little vitamin fucking D And let's talk. I went from one to three

to four To the florentine little gathering which I almost passed out from my fucking anxiety almost passed out from the fucking anxiety and Little by little I've been able just to conquer Little things and I did the movie set which was fucking scary You know, I got the same fear as you motherfuckers have I don't want you to think I walk around with a body arm is shielded on I don't give a fuck. You've got to be cautious now

There's supposed to be a second wave coming. I don't want you guys to get caught in that second wave So you avoid collodial situations, whatever the fuck collodial situations That's it. And that's that but there's things that you have to do And just go well fucking prepared. I mean, I'm plugging my ears I'm plugging my nose. I'm doing everything. I'm going in there minimum. I'm gonna go in Walk straight to the casket kneel down. Say my prayers Put something in the fucking casket. I don't know what yet. I gotta figure out what he liked. Maybe chocolate bar. Who the fuck knows? Go shake the family's hand and I'm going right back outside and breathe

Anybody who wants to talk we could do with the fuck outside. Let's get some fresh air. I'm not sitting on this fucking Den of covet waiting for fucking whoonan breath to hit me in the fucking neck Because somebody's got to be there all fucked up on this shit. So But that's it. And that's that that's part of my fucking uh journey to go over there tonight and Pay my respects to a man who basically saved my fucking life I can't tell you how many fucking dinners I had in his life. I can't tell you How many nights he made me fucking laugh when the last thing I wanted to do was fucking laugh, but

That's the way it goes. You got to do what you got to do It's time for a little nicotine gum I'm gonna show you this lucy how it works very nice pomegranate He's just fucking pop it And nobody gets that fucking feeling sir Fucking delicious fucking delicious no sugar So you're fine. You won't get no fucking cavities

The worst thing you can do who the fuck knows nothing. So Enjoy your lucy cold pomegranate gum. You're gonna fucking be happy. I referred you So in the middle of all this last wednesday being high I came to a conclusion or something. I went I went to mercy's kickboxing class We either alternate, you know why both of us go there. I mean, there's only a couple chairs for parents and You know, if i'm gonna go 430, maybe at least my wife could just stay home get the house ready Sure cook. So sometimes this time we both went together. We're like, fuck. Let's both go down there, you know

I'm fucking high and fuck. I'm trying to keep it together. Thank God for vizine Cold water to the face and other fucking procedures. I use little neck ice to the neck I fucking went down there And they had a nice little kid class going they had about six kids You had to sit inside and watch them the windows were open But it gave me a chance to look at my daughter from the outside. Fuck She has gotten big You know, like i'm looking at her going and then when it kind of time to strike the punches and to kick

I was like, holy shit She's fucking not bad at this Now do I want her to be a fighter? No, do I want to be people up? No, I just want to Know how to protect herself. So she's not scared. I mean last week I had a running with fucking boys I don't give a fuck. You'll probably be over there today. No tomorrow Tuesdays as we go over there and they fucking skate and they fucking jump up and down and They do listen. Oh those motherfucking kids do everything in one afternoon. They're like us This is jersey. This ain't california with the kids staying in on the computers

Watching their father's bad tv shows. This is this these kids are out They play with football they play baseball They're on scooters with helmets then they throw the scooters away then they get on fucking bicycles Then they're fucking then we order a pizza for them Then it starts to get dark and they bring out all these fucking Trucks and shit Jimmy florentine's got a hill these motherfuckers get in there and they swing and then they push themselves back up They do this constantly and i'm sitting there going her mother

Will kill me if she knows i got her outside on the street Doing this with cars. Fuck it This is why i moved here. So she could fucking be a fucking You know a hammer of god I didn't want it to be one of those fucking sissy girls from LA. Oh my god I gotta tell you about my instagram friends. Fuck you. You fucking moron you the nanny that raised you And the fucking woman who spit you out of a pussy and didn't really want to have you Because she put a fucking mexican nanny on you. What good is that shit?

I got nothing against mexican people. They're great nannies, but why have a kid if you're gonna have a nanny? Unless you're fucking donald trump Or somebody fucking important. Why the fuck do you have three or four fucking nannies? Get your life together raise your kid. You dumb mother fuckers. That was the problem in LA All those kids were raised by nannies Then they come around my kid and they're acting like fucking savages And my kid will look at them and go what the fuck is going on with these people? There's no connections. There's no connection The kid's got a conduit between them and their fucking parents

Who the fuck has a conduit between them and their parents? Don't get me started Anyway, i'm the brighter fucking things. I'm looking at I have a little anxiety that fucking spray didn't help the reefer didn't help whatever i'm going through didn't help Me getting on stage on uncle vinnies that night didn't help. I had all these things going through my mind But the fucking thing that stuck out the most through my mind was watching mercy And thinking to myself the second chance that i've gotten in life I don't really understand If you guys know the second chance i got thrown at me in this beautiful life

I lost a daughter. I was in prison. I had no fucking prospects I got on stage lost just like the way you guys are at 21 22 23 24 25 you're lost You might want to do music. You think you want to be in the travel resort You have a friend whose uncle works at fucking the stock exchange Who said he'd get your job making six figures? You're all over the place What you need to find is your passion What you fucking love and then run from there. Listen when you find what you love you'll do it for free if you like sucking dick

If you like sucking dick, right like if you wake up in the morning go, hmm I wish there was a dick. I can fucking yank on right now Fuck it. Some 10 some 10 dicks a day for 500 a pop. That's $5,000. You're making money Even if you take a day off and go down to one dick It's not fucking bad. You know i'm saying you can take care of that cavity What i'm saying is you got to find your passion and your passion will make it do it for free Whatever your passion is you don't give a fuck about do you like digging? Go dig and then eventually you go to a funeral parlor a funeral grave place

And go I like digging and they're like, well, we use big machinery. I don't give a fuck I want to dig six feet holes every day go dig I'll pay eight dollars an hour go dig and you dig and you made You created something yourself You know what i'm saying? Are you are you fucking with me or am I talking to myself? I think i'm talking to myself. I think that fucking edibles hitting it already. I don't know what the fuck's going on or where we fucking were but Find what your passion is

I'm looking at this little girl and i'm like, how fucking lucky am I? That I got this second chance of life And I attacked it like a soldier I did everything by the fucking book. You know how proud I am Do you have any fucking idea? I was never ever i've never been proud of myself at all Longest year and all that shit fuck. It's just another day at the fucking park But to me to have a household That there's love in the house that I have a little girl

That's happy that's got a smile on her face No more living in LA no more. She would come home and she picked up on it. How does a fucking seven-year-old girl Pick up on it. She didn't call them Gentiles or fucking white people. She called them fancy people I don't like those fancy people daddy they act too fancy. So she read it Not because listen, my best little friend is an african-american girl and they go meet each other Every fucking weekend. That's where they are now They went to a pumpkin patch to pick apples and whatever the fuck My daughter's cooler than fuck. I raised the light up again

My point was that I got a second chance and I fucking jumped all over it And you know what improved one thing to me That there is a fucking god in this guy. There is something buddha Something everything happens for a reason man, you know, my friend Mike my brother Mike is wife died He can't figure it out. Nobody could figure it out You know what happens years from now? You get the answer Everything that happens has a repercussion

It is going to affect you somewhere else later on And it's going to lessen that pain You're going to get a lesson from it The are you with me like for years? I was angry at my mom. I went off kilter My natural compass was off. My inside was off. My belief system had been down I kept pushing pushing pushing. I found comedy I found comedy gotta leave that that you know, I'm saying That put a little bit of a smile on my face. I didn't like being 25

I'm thinking I had to go into a job every day Five days a week eight to five And when I'm 65, they give you a goddamn watch and they send you on your way And you have to write to tell somebody oh, I worked with Gillette for 35 years. Who gives a fuck You went and did something for somebody else for 35 years. What did you do for yourself? That was the main fucking question. Did you do anything for yourself? Did you draw a picture? Did you take a vacation? Did you start your own little business? This COVID opportunity right now is gonna give you guys a lot of there's no work

You know, happy has lost your job. Happy has got furlough. Now, what are you gonna do? Take the little savings you got left, you know, you put a little money away And get the simplest things and start your fucking life Whatever you want to do whether it's pictures photography jumping off cliffs and taking pictures Now is the time listen to me We got shut down with a lot of places To do the podcast a lot of avenues No max. No, whatever. We're running here. I'm basic fucking

We're running here on a fucking iphone Why because my passion is to get the word out to you people I don't give a fuck how we get into your people if you want I can go get a fancy fucking studio and I'm water with lemons in it to impress you and you know the whole thing I'm not here to impress you. That's sick. That's that's that's ship sunk fucking 20 years ago I'm not here for the fucking Johnny's. I'm here to share love with you on Mondays and Wednesdays I'm here to talk to you. I'm here to make you laugh make you cry Just have a fucking good time. That's what uncle Joey does whether you're in or not. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck

This is what I'm trying to do here Anyway, I don't know if any of you guys Saw the comedy store Documentary or you're watching it or you're into watching it I suggest you watch all five of them Learn they tell you some of the history I mean last week it was basically the beginning of the store and the freddy prince incident A lot of you people did not know I mean after you don't even know freddy princes

You know freddy prince jr. And even he fucking kind of disappeared. He's still around. I think he does a podcast with josh But they covered the end of freddy princess career Last night I had a ton of shit going on. So I haven't I taped it But I haven't watched it, but I'll tell you what if you're not watching it watch it Because you're gonna learn a couple things about that fucking place that place and yeah, you guys have been hearing it For fucking 30 years from me the roguin of my podcast Or rather podcast But now you get to see you get a little look into the comedy store

What happened there? The events that happened there the first wave of hicks and kettison and dice and fucking Lenny Clark Then the paul and the paul mooney years And then it comes up to our years Hopefully they used me if they did good if they didn't let me tell you something. I was there from 97 I got nothing to prove to nobody

You want to see me at footage at the store or you didn't see the footage at the store? Who gives a fuck don't see me live? That's where you'll see the fucking comedy store Capiche motherfuckers Capiche that's what i'm talking about here We're all fucking good because I had a great time in vinnies. I really fucking did it was uh If you see i've gotten every time you see me It's not that i'm looking thinner. It's not that i'm going to fucking whatever school

It's that the relief the tension and the stress has been pulled off me You know just getting on stage Just getting that monotony going that rhythm going That is exactly what I fucking needed, you know between doing the podcast for you guys last week And getting on stage. I want to thank you I really want to thank you you guys think you guys are sitting over there thinking fuck no You guys are helping me You guys are my dr. Melphie. You understand me? I come here once a week with no attitude

And I talk to you straight from the fucking heart straight from the gut Letting you know what the fuck is going on because well, what do you want from me? I got nothing to fucking tell you. I'm just trying to tell you the facts As they come in and whatever I talked to lee. He's doing okay He's uh starting a patreon He's getting this podcast where he's going to revisit all the church episodes The drugs he did little things that you don't know happen before the podcast Maybe a camera blew up. Maybe something happened

Just to explain each podcast he's going to go through 800 fucking podcasts I want to wish him luck and he's going to do a patreon Where he's going to do jumping jacks on fucking zoom. So that's going to be great. Listen I know you like porn. Give it a breather Lee doing jumping jacks on zoom is going to blow your fucking mind. Okay That's where the real fucking laughter comes that dude is a fucking trip So for you people who ask me all the time. Have you spoken to lee? Yes, I speak to lee twice a day. I love him dearly. I'm encouraging him

I'm scared for him that fucking drive with the blizzard behind them But that's the way it fucking goes but man I want to thank you guys, especially the patreon people You know the messages, you know, just just me interacting with you even on facebook You know facebook those three weeks that I didn't have a computer I mean, I'm just buried in messages So if you've sent me a message on facebook and I haven't gotten back to you It's because I didn't have facebook for three fucking weeks. I don't have it on my ipad

The only thing I have on my ipad is twitter And fucking patreon just to keep it light because I was going on the road I don't want facebook and all that and then next thing you know, I'm on the road and I'm on social media I'd rather use the road just to write come up with new ideas Fresh concepts, whatever, you know, right outline my book. I was telling my friend before I started here. That's something that I've been Outlining again, I've started I found what the cutoff point was This story is just going to be from july 16 1991

To present see we were trying to put too much stuff My childhood all those stories you've heard over the years And stand-up comedy And stand-up comedy excuse me they put this come to the side And stand-up comedy whatever the fuck we're talking about all into one But now this changes this fucking changes the fucking game So my stand-up, uh, you know, I'm gonna put I got on the computer. I got Little different pages. I got stand-up comedy today

I got all this stuff and what I did was I took the book And it starts off with me getting on stage and difficulties I had with getting on stage And then we work forward The divorce the pain What fueled me, you know, what really had me well a lot of people you don't know is that I had this Personal war going on my stepfather from the time my mother got fucking put in the hole To 1985 I had this personal war

That had this money coming to me and between you and I guys I did have the money coming to me, okay Not the amount I thought I had But I did have some money coming to me Let's say 150,000. I mean my mother had some property in florida That she had sold uh, she had the house She had the bar. There was a little money there. I got dick from it and I was angry And I was frustrated and I was confused and I was hurt, you know, so I

Staged this personal war With my stepfather. I went to Colorado and learned how to be a hitman and how to shoot people silently and all this shit I was a fucking mess. I was just a young mess. So for you Guys on patreon that are following And you send me messages telling me that you're going through this and that In 1983 I was training to be a fucking hitman

You know what 1983 puts me at 20 years old? You want to talk about fucking confusion? I wanted to be a fucking hitman. How broken are you? At 20 that you want to fucking kill people for a living on contract? And I was training for it. I was learning how to use every weapon. I had a friend that Just fucking, you know, was a fucking vietnam vet that especially was killing And this is what I wanted to do. So I my plan was to go back to new york and 84 And fucking shoot him. But you know what? I didn't have the balls to I knew I I knew that he was a lot slicker than I was

You know, I'm 57 years old. I see the move before it even unfolds If I make a turn on to my block like when I lived in LA, what do you think I left LA for because I didn't want to be there no more. No Because I saw the move coming. It doesn't take a fucking genius and now I get calls from LA every two days From people telling me that there was a carjacking Yes, I got a call. You remember I told you motherfuckers When you pulled out of the podcast street and went on to Chandler, there was a bridge over Chandler And there was homeless people there and every night they would start a little fucking fire

Like it was the cub scouts. I've been just sitting around like, you know Roasting fucking their fingers because they got no marshmallows. What the fuck are you roasting? You put like your finger in there with sugar and sucking on it. You're homeless. You might as well go for broken who Who knows what the fuck these people were doing, but then I told leave one night or leave when you go home tonight Check out the fucking The underpass See how many people live under the underpass and make sure

They got a fire that motherfucker called me that night. He was joey. They got a fire going again Well, guess what happened? They did fires fires fires now It's fucking 80 degrees that night It's 90 fucking degrees you're in california. Why the fuck? Do you have a fire? So I guess that all these homeless

Villages developed under under these bridges And I guess about two weeks ago somebody let them all on fire With the homeless people in there Homeless people were fucking scattering That is the mind of los angeles right now This is what i'm telling you fucking people. I didn't leave there because I left there because it was turning Into a different direction. Hey, a lot of you guys are living in new york. We just moved out of new york

Go to new york at night. Look what happens. Look what bill burr said in this fucking thing. They are they didn't Rick Baranis got punched in the head on the upper west side. It couldn't be no better than that But that is what's going on That's what's going on in all the major fucking cities. It's just tough Top top creepy fucking shit. So i'm telling you listen. I don't give a fuck get everything ready Get the bb gun ready the gun ready the bow and arrow The bazooka start working the spitball machine again. When was the last time you shot a spitball? I shot a spitball last week just to practice

Just to get them and fucking you know People's eyeballs because remember when you were a kid you were great with the spitball six feet away You could shoot a motherfucker like nothing. I don't care what you got to do You got to protect yourself and protect your family when I talk to these people in la They're waiting for a delusion that's never come. There's people that are actually waiting in la. They're saying Let's let everybody else go So we get all the acting and stand up comedy roles first of all They just announced it's probably not going to be any fucking stand up in la till about fucking next june

I was doubting for you And new york they just said something about fucking No theater till fucking september So for me a guy like me What what is the comic do? What is the comic do now a comic has to rearrange his fucking life? Okay, he has to start doing outside shows You know for an hour or longer they fucking take you put them up yourself

You got to put your own I don't know if they have different systems like tom segura is doing To do live shows get for your friends Get the camera work and fucking do a live show and charge 10 bucks admission But one thing about this pandemic at first I looked at it as a breather, but now I'm looking at it as You got to live your life I know people that haven't left their fucking bedrooms. It's just happened I know people who haven't left their fucking house. It's just happened

And I got to tell you something I'm a fucking scary cat pussy I left the house Against my best wishes because I knew I didn't want to fall into that fucking trap I mean, it's very easy to wake up Go in front of the news have them fucking piss on your leg and crawl right back into bed Trust me there were days. I wanted to do this with this fucking pandemic

But I tell you what would happen if I would have gone back to bed. That's the beginning is a depression That's how you get your depression started by getting up eating something saying I failed today And then going back to bed. That's the roots of depression. That's the roots Well, I don't know how bipolar bipolar whatever, but that's the roots Because now they have bipolar depression. Jesus fucking christ What's next stuttering bipolar depression? So while you're sitting there fucking stuttering you got to depress you got to tell people You know, it never ends with the diseases. I'm talking about just regular depression Where you see yourself going nowhere, you know

You don't have the energy You don't even understand why you want to do what you're doing That's the worst kind of depression. So from the beginning of this fucking pandemic, I made sure to get up Take a shower as if you're going to work As if you're going to work. You should be taking a shower anyway. You filthy motherfucker What are you gonna do walk around with stinky? But you're gonna take a shower and then go to pee at six o'clock

And you feel the side of your thigh and you feel that fucking nut butter on your leg You wouldn't have that nut butter on your leg if you wash your balls For breakfast because when you wash your balls for breakfast, it stimulates the ball sack You fucking cover it up with some fucking Soap and it keeps it under control when you don't take a shower and go out at six and you come back at six o'clock P and rub that fucking nut butter from your leg and see what it smells like. It don't smell right That's not fucking normal. That's why you take a shower before you leave the house Especially women. I don't want to see that sprinkle cut when I'm standing behind you at the bagel store

That you just got up with that rotten fucking pussy and went out You got to wash that fucking monkey the same thing. You got to wash that fucking helmet You got to bathe every day Twice a day. I don't give a fuck about water shortage Oh, well if we bathe twice a day, there won't be any water In two thousand and sixty. Fuck them. Fuck them. Let them worry. Take a bath with ice cubes I don't give a fuck climate change climate control Get up take a shower

As if you're gonna go to work Okay, as if you're gonna go to work You're gonna write in your journal as if you're gonna go to work You're gonna drink some fucking coffee as if you're gonna go to work. You're gonna open up the front door Look outside and say to yourself. It's fucking monday It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I don't care if your mind is 16 dollars in your checking account I don't give a fuck if you haven't paid rent in six months. They can't put you in debt as prison It's still a beautiful fucking day to be alive

You look outside and then you figure out what the fuck you want to do If you've got a day job, you do your day job from the computer But this is the time to start working on that website you weren't thinking about for a year This is the time to start work because you ain't got dick When you ain't got dick you ain't got nothing to lose You think I started stand-up with a testarosa and a fucking And like a butler no When you start something you started at bare bones

Just like this fucking podcast I could have waited three weeks and came at you with lights and cameras and a bar and booze whatever Fuck that. You don't need that what we need right now is communication What we need right now is to help each other What we need right now is to look at each other not a text to check in This is a fucking personal check-in from your uncle Joey letting you know I'm still slinging dick and giving out bubblegum and it's because of you guys So I intend you to be doing the same for me. You like the new setup, huh?

Look at that. I got Bruce Lee. I got Sid the squid monk grief over here Fucking tremendous. I'm gonna have Julia serving there, but it's not finished yet But I'm gonna have all my idols. I got Palisades amusement park where I grew up I got my man Charles Bronson Look at them like a bad motherfucker that is And I got me and rogan and fucking vagus doing our thing And look at this new picture. This new picture is the snow Chasing Lee as he's driving across country and going. Oh my god. I can't believe it. Well, no

This picture's acdc June 30th 1979 you ready for this? four days maybe five days before I saw august 4th 1979 with Ted at master's square garden Ask me Joey. Do I give a fuck? I'm just telling you. You know what I'm saying? Cause I'm a nice fucking guy That's it. What else do you want from me, man? It's gonna be a fucking great week The patreon moves up today three five 10 and 15 beans

We got nice hooded sweatshirt for you for the $15. We got nice Long sleeve teas for you. I'm gonna keep doing what we're doing giving you nothing but content Like I told you it's gonna be a cold fucking winter and you know what I'm gonna need you As much as you're gonna need me. So we're gonna work fucking together I'm gonna create this fucking basement into a content fucking Studio of love you understand me. I hope you enjoyed the album of the week on patreon. I'm trying my best This week we'll cover another iconic album one of my all-time favorites I put it on the other day and I gotta tell you something. I have like a fucking tear in my eye

Because it is true music is a part of your childhood It just taps into a special time And it's not all the time. It's not all the time It's sometimes you just catch that fucking magic You put on an album and you're like fuck. I still remember being on the corner with one-eyed louis and You know this guy and it was cold and we stepped on dog shit This is great guys. This is great that You know what we're doing this with a fucking iphone

An amazon microphone an amazon. We should just call this the amazon podcast Because this is brought to you With low fucking it's not even low quality. I mean this the itunes The iphone camera is fucking tremendous. You're hearing me. I'm looking good And And uh Everything's great guys. I just want to check in with you and let you know that you're doing fine You're not fucking dead. Listen. We lost eddie van helen last week

Roger Holloway and my man whitey ford This has been going around it has nothing to do with you Do not let it affect Who the fuck you are and what your goals are you understand me? It's not letting me affect what my goals are I'm a little scared. The numbers might come back. They might not What do I look like dr. Fucking fouchy to you? I don't give a fuck all you can do is take care of you Wear your mask wash your hands wash your hands before you touch your dick You don't want somebody sucking your dick and getting covered because they suck your dick

And they got to trace it back to your dick and you imagine that people knocking on your door. Hey charlie You got covid on your dick. You need that problem in your life Wash your hands before you let the poor girl lick your fucking nut sack and ladies you too Don't finger bang yourself with your filthy fucking fingers After fucking Nancy Wu gave you a manicure and then you want me to go down there lick your fucking monkey And next you know, I got Nancy Wu's fingers in my mouth And i'm coughing and i'm spreading fucking shit relax You got to wash your hands before you touch your private parts

Same thing for your asshole You ever fucking go to wipe your ass with toilet paper slips and you get that thing in your asshole and then Now what now you want to walk around and give people directions by pointing knock at the fuck off wash your fucking hands You filthy cocksuckers As of right now All I got is uncle Vinnie's for the whole month of fucking uh October

Again, I got this wednesday next wednesday And wednesday the 28th Then we have an election month. Hopefully this movie comes true. This is not gonna affect our podcast This is not gonna affect anything In the middle of all this pandemic and stuff. I know you're having self-doubts Fuck those self-doubts motherfuckers Fuck those self-doubts You got to grab your balls and tell yourself you're gonna push yourself through this

You got to keep yourself in control Especially if you have the family because shit runs downhill if you walk around Looking like Johnny Morth your family's gonna feel like Johnny Morth You got to walk around like he just hit the fucking lottery like the guy knocked on your door with that big fucking check So your family doesn't feel what you're going through It's in the air, but it doesn't have to affect you and your family. You could treat this fucking differently I know I have but I'm not gonna lie to you when I first got here. I was walking around scared shitless Fear is not in your fucking vocabulary

When you see the shirts that come out for this stuff, which I posted On patreon, you'll see all this shit. You have to conquer in the circle That was the mind of joey dears. Whether it was the drugs the kidnappings And it was only one kidnapping singular I'm sorry. I put that thing up the other day But it's always nice to fucking kidnap a fucking Drug dealer who would kidnap a governor who the fuck we what what would you do with that governor?

What would you do it? What are you gonna hold up a fucking ransom? Who's gonna give you any fucking money? Who's gonna give you dick for a fucking governor who wants a governor in their fucking basement? Do you know what kind of what's gonna come at you? FBI zingers they're gonna fucking destroy you So for you to think that you're gonna that's a bad idea. Listen. It was a bad idea when I kidnapped Bella It's a bad idea to kidnap anybody just shoot them in the leg take what they got and go home What are you gonna take from the fucking governor nothing? I mean she's cute. What are you gonna do?

You're gonna fuck are you filthy fuck give yourself a break who the fuck kidnapped some fucking governor? This is what I'm talking about here. We're going to shit people but We got uncle Joey's joint to keep us hocus pocus It's at the end of his rope I got a little recharge. I don't even know what this is popping up here. Whatever the fuck this is. What is this shit here? Maybe it's for your ears. Maybe you put something in your fucking ears. What the fuck knows? Hey, this shit goes fast, you know I'm saying, you know with me nothing fucking lasts I just wanted you to come at you out of fucking Monday morning

Talk to you about what's going on in my life and just remember one thing I got a second chance I got a second chance of being a father I got a second chance of being a husband I got a second chance of being a human being I got a second chance of fucking just doing everything over You know from prison the whole thing If I could do it, can you imagine what the fuck you could do?

I got a fucking ged. Can you imagine what you could do with a family and support? And the love that you have around you Stop looking outside for shit. What you're looking for is right within it's within your family. It's within yourself You just gotta stop fucking around And smoking dope and telling me uncle joey. I got pineapple express who gives a fuck Who gives a fuck? Tell me that you fucking got a hundred on your fucking paper. That makes my dick get happier That's what makes uncle joey happy

That you young motherfuckers are pushing it through here enough with the bullshit. There's nothing going on Club MTV is gone. You can't jump up and down right now. There's nowhere to go. You're living on virtual classes Now is your time to put your hustle together if you want a graphic design if you want to draw This is the time because you know what you ain't got nothing to lose And when you ain't got nothing to lose that's when you're at your finest fucking moment like me What are you gonna take from me? I come out here and say whatever the fuck I want. What are you gonna do? Throw me into jail not anymore guys It's my fucking world, which means it's your fucking world

I'm you with you. You're with me and these punk ass business want to be with us I'll see you guys Wednesday morning tip top fucking magoo Ready to fucking go. You understand me? I love you guys. Have a great fucking day Have a great week. Remember for today the patreon t's go up to three dollars If you're a dollar guy, you get grandfathered. I'm not mad at you You still get the bunch of stuff If you want the dear abby it goes up to five

I get a thousand emails a day guys. We got to trim those down And I also I'm adding the music show and I'm also adding a live fucking little Get together for you. You just don't know what it's gonna happen It's gonna just pop up because that's how I fly. I don't know when the girls are gonna leave so I don't know when I can smoke a joint with you guys. So they'll be around also on patreon But beside that for you podcast motherfuckers. I love you. We're working on uncle joey's joints t-shirts We're working on a lot of things, but it's one thing at a time. All right This week we added some lights. We had a little curtain

We're gonna put this one together right before your fucking eyes every week We're gonna get stronger and stronger and we're not gonna utilize the bar Except for sports companion shows. How's that one for you? We'll have a good time. We'll do a little drinking We'll sell some tickets and that's how we'll do the fucking bar. That's how we'll do the bar. Okay Beside that you got me uncle joey's joint is here number fucking three We're doing what we're doing to the best of our abilities just to show you you don't need to fucking All this shit to fucking get your word out if you want to get your word out. It's right in front of you I love you motherfuckers. Thank you for listening

uncle joey's Joint and don't forget to support our sponsors Whether it's fucking the cbd lion Whether it's draft kings Or whether it's lucy co do not forget to support them. Thank you very much. Have a great week I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday All right, I want to thank you for listening to uncle joey's joint today to beautiful fucking monday

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