Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #004 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com & Blue Chew! Go to www.stamps.com and use CODE: CHURCH Go to www.bluechew.com and use CODE: JOEY The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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All of a sudden I tear my fucking hamstring and I'm having fucking problems with my dick. Here's a guy who knocked up his wife at fucking 50. Listen, if the fucking week, if the wood is weak, Uncle Joey's got a fix for you. Bluetooth. It's the first chewable dick pill. Same FDA approved active ingredients as Viagra and Seattle's. This isn't the horny goat weed you get from fucking whatever that fucking mud is down at the corner store. This is fucking science. And right now they've got a special offer for the joint family. Visit Bluetooth.com. That's B-O-U-E-2.com. It's that easy. And get your first shipment free when you press encode Joey. J-O-E-Y. Just pay for the $5 shipping and again that's blue like the color of your dick vein that's gonna be popping the fuck out of that helmet. You're gonna be spreading blue dick juice all over the fucking place. Go to Bluetooth.com and use code Joey. Listen, maybe you don't have problems to direct out this function, but you want to be remembered. I eat fucking 10 of these fucking things and going in deep, deep, deep into the murky waters. I would never eat 10 of these things. But anyway, you know what I'm saying? You always want to be prepared. You never want to give a bad performance. It's COVID. If you're gonna die, it might as well be for fucking a good reason. Take two of these and call me in the morning. Wake up in the morning. She's fucking cockeyed. That's it. Go to Bluetooth.com. Use code church. Let's fucking get this party started. Give that Indian some fucking gin. Candles lick, cop suckers. Hey, look who it is. What's happening, cop suckers? Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint.

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, Wednesday the 14th of March. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. It's been an interesting week. Let's start with what's been cracked. I'm lacking for starters. I want to apologize to you guys. I did not go to my friends' wake. I think it wasn't that I didn't want to be there or whatever. Monday was a holiday and the kids were all from school. My wife had already made plans. My wife had a full fucking day. We were supposed to go down the shore with another family and a kid to reindruing that. Monday when you put it, she had a six o'clock meeting with some moms in her neighborhood to plan some shit. I'm happy they involved her. I was dressed and ready to go. It's a 55-minute drive up there, but she didn't get home until like 10 to 7. I would have never made it in the rain and whatnot. My heart goes out to the Holloway family. You guys know how much I love them. The other thing is the truth. You know what, man? I fucking hate wakes. I forgot the bad part about living in New Jersey, that there's a lot of fucking wakes and you got to go to a lot of wakes. Let me tell you something. Nothing bothers me more than fucking wakes because it takes me back to the original four that I went to. A, my father when I was three. B, Anthony Balzano in the eighth grade. B, my mother in 79. D, fucking Dominic Speciale out in fucking 80. So I had Anthony Balzano. I had two kids I was best friends with and my mom vanished within fucking three years. You know what? My wake days are done. Every time I go to a wake, I drag that fucking cat back in. That luggage gets him and for two days my head is all fucked up. And I don't need that. I need to be Tip Top Magoo for you motherfuckers. I don't need to be dragged because it reflects in my writing. It reflects in who I am. So my heart goes out to the Roger Holloway family. I mean, the Holloway is gone. Timmy's still around. You know, I always talk about Timmy and I talked to him. I checked up on him yesterday. He felt so awkward. He didn't even go. You know, Timmy's gone through a lot and I'm here for him and he's here for me. So that's what this is all about. You know, going to a wake and making believe is bullshit.

I said a prayer here. I lit a candle here and my day was fucking complete. And that's how I made my fucking peace with it. You know, so I'm always straight up with you guys. Only you let you know what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I'm doing. Just so you know, listen, we're all human here. Just because I go on stage, just because you see me on the TV doesn't mean I have the same things that you guys are going through. I go through all that shit. I read those Patreon emails. People are having a hard time and I get it. You know, some guy wrote me an email about he wanted to come see me last Wednesday in Point Pleasant, but the fear struck again. I get it. I almost fucking made a U-turn 18 times. So we're all coping what's on our table right now. I'm just here to make it a little easier for you. If I could take your mind off for an hour, we got a fucking hour. Since it's Uncle Joey's joint today, we're going to smoke a fucking dude. Why not? I got the weed that fucking Trump smoked when he got rid of COVID. So what the fuck are we doing here? What are we going to do? Sit down and just talk to each other? Listen, if you got offended by Bill Burr's monologue, go fuck yourself. Is the point better yet? I've never fucking enabled somebody. Go hang yourself because it ain't going to work out for you. Bill Burr is a fucking brilliant fucking comic. Bill Burr is one of the most brilliant comics working today. He's married to an African-American woman. He's cool as fuck.

And he went up there and I ran some guy that after his first three minutes, I had to turn it off and shut it off. Well, listen, do yourself a favor right now. Get a shot of COVID and stick it up your ass and go for broke because you ain't going to make it. It's going to get tough. You know what I'm saying? You're just not going to make it. Bill Burr is fucking amazing and what he did was fucking brilliant. And you know why people got pissed off? Because he wasn't fucking lying. See, nobody ever wants to hear the fucking truth. Nobody ever wants to hear the truth. God forbid you tell somebody the fucking truth. They want you to blow smoke up their ass. We're in a society that you can't... Who gives a fuck what they said? You got kids? You got bills to pay? Then what do you give a fuck? Turn it off. I watched Saturday Night Live just for Bill. Let's get something straight in my world. They should be honored that for fucking the first time in years, they had a real comic on the fucking stage. Don't get me wrong.

They had Chris Rock on the stage, but he was a staff member at some time. I'm talking a hardcore fucking road comic that's a fucking savage. It's Bill Burr. Just him being in those sketches with those fucking, you know, I owe people whatever the fuck they are. They're both for sale. There's a reason. That business is going out of business. There's no business. It's a bunch of people sitting around watching eight guys doing sketches. Fuck you, bitch. I go on stage by myself with a microphone, my balls, my heart, and what I got to say. You can't beat that. When you're fucking on a set, you got some guy writing lines for you for all you comedic actors that they call stand-ups. Nothing bothers me more when they call a guy like Will on that sweetheart of a guy, a comedian. It pisses me to fuck off. He's not a comedian. He's a scripted comedic actor.

We are stand-ups. We are in the fucking bowels with walls behind us with four people in front of us, vying for whatever, 15 bucks or whatever the fuck you are. It's a different animal. So remember, sound that lie to stand up? Two different fucking situations. That's a bunch of people that get together in Chicago when they go to Second City and they train for four or five years on how to do sketches or whatever. That's great. But I came from a different fucking school. I came from the schools. I'm up there by myself. I'm taking all the heat myself. And I congratulate Bill Burr for doing what the fuck he's doing. Who gives a fuck? They were trying to cancel him on Twitter. He didn't even fucking curse. He didn't even curse. And you can see the audience is even a little men some more. It's like, we don't know if we should laugh. Get your life together. This is the one big change I found between LA and me being here right now.

People got a sense of humor again. You could say stupid little things and people giggle. I never fed it. I was never a part of that circle. No matter what I did. And I didn't want to be a part of that circle. That was the problem. I used to get invited to those Hollywood parties all the time. I didn't fit. This is where I fit. I fit in perfectly right here. All the people around me, Staten Island, Brooklyn, New York, New Jersey. They understand my sense of humor. I understand theirs. I went to a second grade party Friday night with the second grade teacher. She had all the students there. It was outside. They were playing the night before fucking whatever. And I started talking to some of the parents and I was blown the fuck away. They were all a breath of fresh air. Why? Because it wasn't about Instagram friends and it wasn't about, oh my God, I'm over all that shit.

If you have a 20 fucking one, get your shit together. If you get insulted about words or whatever, it's time to say, you know what? I got to throw my hands up. This is bullshit. You're going to cancel Bill Burr or whatever. You can't do it. You're in no fucking danger. It's never going to fly. So you little cancel people, go back under your fucking huts and go watch fucking Walking Dead or whatever the fuck it is that you fucking half of fags watch. You got me all fucking fired up already on a fucking Wednesday morning, cuckuckers. Well, you got to find me to fuck up on a Wednesday morning with your little, you get insulted over words. Your mother told you sticks and stones will break my bones. Words will never hurt me. If you're under fucking 30 and you never heard that, go smack your mother in the face.

Because that's the first thing your mom tells you when you come home crying like a little bitch. They say I look like a monkey. You do look like a fucking monkey. Now suck it in, go out there and play. I used to have big fucking ears when I was a kid. I looked like something from a different fucking planet. I still do. I don't give a fuck. Call me whatever the fuck you want. Sticks and stones will break my bones. Words can never hurt you. If a guy is not even talking about you, what the fuck are you so worried about? Oh, there was men yesterday writing shit. Give me a fucking breather, man.

If that's your way of getting pussy or standing by women, it's your actions that can count. Okay? So I don't want to hear nothing about nothing. Let's spark this nut. It's Wednesday. Where the fuck are you going? What are you doing with your life that's so fucking special? You're gonna sit behind the computer with your white shirt on and pajama bottom, scratching your fucking balls, you didn't wash, you just put water on your head so you could zoom all fucking day. Knock the fuck off. Tell whoever you're zooming with to go fuck themselves. You ain't got time for this shit.

You're all zoomed up. You know what I'm saying? How many people are gonna die from zoom addiction pretty soon? Pretty soon there's gonna be fucking Z.A. Any day now. Any day. Wait till these fags get a roll going. Z.A. Zoom Anonymous. My name is Joe. And I've been addicted to zoom for fucking eight years now. Get the fuck. Give me a breather, man.

Fuck you in zoom. Here's to you motherfuckers. I hope you're having a great day. I hope you're smiling. I hope you have love in your heart because that's all that matters right now. During this cold that you broke, who gives a fuck? Everybody's waiting for another appointment check. Good luck. Whatever. The least you can do is fucking just smile for one minute and give your soul a breather. You're gonna live. If Chris Christie lived, you're gonna live. That fat fuck lived with asthma and sleep apnea and fungi toenails just like me.

You're in no danger. You're sitting at home, 84 pounds. You don't want to leave the house because COVID's outside. Listen, give a breather. Now, if you live in LA and you live in New York, you can't go out at night because somebody will hit you in the head with a brick, okay? Rick Moranis won't be doing any movies soon. And motherfuckers got sucker punched up on the Upper West Side. If you're living on the two coasts, once it turns dark, mind your business. You know what I'm saying? You don't know nothing. You don't want to know nothing.

You don't even want to get food delivered because you don't know if the guy's delivering food is gonna fucking rob you. That's how serious it is in New York. But here's to you motherfuckers on a beautiful fucking Wednesday morning. Oh, this is the shit. Chris Christie smoked before they let him out. They gave him this and a cheeseburger and they said it's time to go home, Chris Christie. They gave him like three white castle burgers. That motherfucker was happier than fuck. Tremendous. Fucking tremendous on a Wednesday. We can do this in America.

I'm 57 years old. Listen to me. All you motherfuckers are anti-American, whatever. I am 57 years old. Like I told my daughter the other day, one other country in a 57-year-old go up on stage with no material, talk shit, and get paid. America. What the fuck are we doing? What are you complaining about, bitches? Who gives a fuck who's president? You gotta run your own game.

Your game is life. That's all that fucking matters. Somebody being there, you motherfuckers arguing about politics 10 hours a day. You fucking just talking, just talking. Talk about the most important things in your life. Your kids, your wives, what you do for your life. That's it. Everything else I don't want to hear about the GOP or they're holding back. Who gives a fuck? Get a gun. What are you bothering me for?

I'm waiting for my unemployment check. I hope to buy a gun because you gotta earn cocksucker. You're making a lot of car payments. You know what I'm saying? Look at this smoke in here. This is the way I like it. Now we're talking about Uncle Joey's joint on a fucking Wednesday. If you haven't seen the comics to a documentary, I made it to episode 2 and I just made a comment like I was lucky to be on there and my boy, the director, Mike Binder called me. He's like, are you fucking crazy? You're all over. I just was making a joke.

Listen, in today's world, you never know where you're gonna end up. You know what I'm saying? You cut a movie, you're not guaranteed to be in it, especially with all the chitter-chatter that's going around. People are scared now. So I'm very happy that Mike Binder put me in that documentary because he knows that I was at that comedy store for 23 years of my life the same way he was. We all have our fucking... We all have our personal Vietnam stories from the comedy store, whether they're good or bad. But hey, I'm here in this house

because of the comedy store. The comedy store was that influential in my life. The comedy store documentary, the last week's Freddie Prinze was so good that I came downstairs, I cried and I free-fell in love with comedy again and that's what I wanted to do during this COVID. I didn't care about the business side of it. I had nothing to do with it. All I wanted was to re-fall in love with comedy again. I don't know if you're a musician, I don't know if you're an artist, you're a painter, you draw, whatever, you're a circus act.

Once you get involved in the game, you forget what the game is about. It becomes money and Netflix and this guy wants to do a special with you and this guy's doing this and sometimes in all that catch-up you forget about the love that you had for that art. Taking things for granted. You got your wife, you got your girlfriend, she does this, you do that and also boom, one day she's dead and you realize you took her for granted. I took comedy for granted for a long time, not because I'm an asshole,

just because there were so many other things going on. Happy things slowed down and I got to fall in love with comedy again. You know what part I am with comedy right now? We're holding hands, walking down the street. We haven't even fucked. I haven't even seen her tits yet. I haven't even gone to try to go to the first base. We're just walking and talking about what interest we have. I'm falling in love with comedy again.

I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart. For a while then I was a little disenchanted. It wasn't standard. It was the business side and the bullshit and you got to fucking sell tickets. I wanted all that to disappear. I wanted just to fall in love with comedy again. I ordered the fucking book again. I fucking went back to square one.

I mean, I'm digging it. I watched the Rodney specials. I watched Bill Burr again the other night. I actually watched Saturday Night Live, which I fucking won't even put on. You know, I put it on the first week for punky. Johnson, the girl, she's from the comedy store. I give her all my fucking heart and soul and congratulate her for becoming a member of Saturday Night Live.

So I watched it because of her. After a while, I just saw her first sketch and then I fucking fell asleep or something. And I watched it this week because of Bill Burr, you know. I've been watching a lot of stand-up lately. A lot of Hicks. A lot of Kenneson. A lot of Dice. A lot of Richard Pryor.

The other night I actually came in here and put a Richard Pryor album down. Fucking lowered, turned off the lights and just sat here high as fuck and listened to his was it something I said, I'm just reacquainting myself with comedy again. I'm just falling out. I'm doing those four shows in October and then I'm pulling back. It's like she had to go on a trip. You ever start dating a woman and all said right in the middle where you start,

when you're ready, ready to fuck it. Also, she's got to go on a trip for work for four weeks. That's what's happened to me. So now that's going to drive me even crazier. I'm going to write, write while I'm doing the movie. I'm going to write. I got some good ideas cooking. And then we'll see what December looks like.

If December looks good, we'll go fucking. We'll cook a couple of Jersey dates together. My man, Sam Tripoli, he's got the comedy dojo. You know how much I love Sam and how much he was there for me. I might as well go with Sam at the comedy dojo. I'll keep doing Uncle Vinny's joint. My boy Danny just contacted me. He's got a couple of weekly rooms all over the fucking state.

You know, he's not going to put my name on the flyer. I'm just going to pop up and do 10 or 15. And I'm very happy with that. But I'm getting a chance to fall in love with comedy again. And that is fucking great, man. And that's good for you motherfuckers. And you know what else is good for you motherfuckers? But I don't give a fuck.

That's a triple threat now. What do you have to do? Take away the joint? You have to fucking bring 10 Puerto Ricans to take this motherfucker away from me. And guess what? They don't want it. Because this shit is packed in fucking heat today.

What do you think I'm doing? What do you think I'm showing up with some fucking South Carolina Jersey weed grown in Morris Plains? Oh, fuck yourself. You know me, motherfucker. This was cut before the fire a long time ago. Well, I haven't spoken about it, but I do miss some of my friends in California.

I told my wife the other day that I felt bad that it didn't work out. It didn't work out. You know, what are you saying about working out? Mercy graduate in high school. Me being fucking 67 or whatever the fuck I'm going to be. And us moving to some retirement community. And that's it.

That's what I am. And me living in LA, being at the store, you know, I felt like in a way I failed, but we didn't. But I miss it. And one of the people I miss, I miss Brent from Subconscious Jiu Jitsu. That was my brother all the way to the end.

I miss Roy from Corona Muay Thai. I miss my neighbors. I miss fucking back to wellness. That's where I went for acupuncture. That's where I went for my chiropractor. I miss bullybusters with Keita. You know, I miss so many people. Eddie Bravo, I spoke to yesterday.

I miss that crazy conspiracy fuck. I miss Sam Tripoli with all my heart. But I'm going to tell you who I missed. And I didn't know I missed them until yesterday morning. And I even talked about them with Jimmy Florentine when we went down to the record store. I want to thank Vintage Vinyl and Woodbridge for hooking me up with the fucking goods yesterday.

And trust me, they still got out of the 50 albums I got to buy. I just went light yesterday because I had my daughter with me. So I couldn't act like a fucking asshole, like geek out in front of my daughter. But my daughter found something. She found both longest yards together. The one with Adam Sandler and the one with Brett Reynolds. So I gave a copy of it to Luke, Jimmy's boy,

because he loves the fucking movie. So I said, you got to watch the original, too, which he probably won't like, because the 70s, the movies were a little slow. They got their message through to here, but movies were just a little slow. I was telling Jimmy Florentine on the write down that I was just scared of being, you know, not scared.

I was sick and tired of being alone. Yeah, I had Lee, and I had my man Steve Simone and Dean Delray, who I missed with all my fucking heart. I missed the commie stroke with all my heart. I'm going to tell you, it was a good guy. And if you get a chance, I know you're going to watch it anyway. The Cabin with Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer put me in the first episode

between you and me again in my fucking delusional... marijuanaed mind. I thought they were going to cut me out, Netflix, whatever. I was expecting to get the fuck out of there. But oh my God, somebody sent me a link this morning. They sent me a link a few days ago to watch it earlier. And I watched it, and I was very surprised. And I think it's a great fucking show.

And Bert was very, very good to me. Look at me, man, I appreciate you guys that went out to Hackren, Ohio last week. This is Jimmy Florentine, and he told me, like, I told you motherfuckers, from now on, Jimmy comes into your neighborhood. You do me the personal favor. You just pay for a ticket or wait until after the show

and go buy a shirt or see Diego's support. Yesterday, I went to buy albums with him. And on the way back, we stopped by his house. And this was interesting. We were talking, one thing led to the other, and he showed me an album. He goes, you see this guy? He goes, I already bought this album on fucking iTunes

and Amazon, but I don't have the album. I bought it because the guy is such a great fucking guy. And I want to support the band right now because they can't do it. That's Jimmy's way of thinking. You know, I bought a couple of albums or something like that, but I didn't buy music coming from that perspective from new bands.

I just got turned down to a couple new bands this morning, and I'll be buying their albums, support them. And I know you can't support everybody. I know that you guys are fucking working hard for your dollar. But I want to thank you for supporting Jimmy Florentine. The other guy, Bert Kreischer, you motherfuckers already are paying to go see him. So, but I want you to know how good of a guy he is.

You know, Bert, every Christmas had me over. He had my family over, every Easter. You know, all limits. You know, Isla, in fact, Isla used to go, fucking mercy goes in my room as I was playing my toys. You know, mercy just, kids don't listen. My daughter, if I buy her a toy, it's good for two fucking days,

and then she forgets all about it. For six weeks, I had her on the fucking Tic Tac Toy fucking video, and I told her I would buy that thing if she behaved on the whole trip from California to Jersey, and she was a fucking angel. And one day we were making a run for something, and I go, hey, look at Target right there. Let's go in there, and I tick her into Target,

and I told her, do what you need to do, get a couple of fucking dolls or whatever. She brought them home. I didn't see her the rest of the day. Now I go in there, she's playing with Legos. She hasn't talked about it. That's kids. You know what I'm saying?

So when we would go over to Isla's to Bert's, she would go right to Isla's room. My daughter's scared of dogs. My daughter wasn't scared of Bert's big fucking dog for no reason. She would go into Isla's room and play, and I would hang out with Bert. Good man. Good man.

And I miss him. I miss Theo too, but I miss my times over at Bert Kreischer's house. So when I watched the cabin, the person that came to my mind was like, rest his soul. You know what I mean? This is a positive way. When Ralphie May fell into his dollhouse outside his house when he, when we were younger, years ago,

we had a fucking dollhouse. Not we. Bert Kreischer and his daughters had a dollhouse outside his man cave. And as we were walking out, me and Bert were talking about whatever Ralphie was whaddling behind us, and all of a sudden we'd just hear, blah, blah, blah.

And we'd turn around and Ralphie's like, get me out of here, player. I slipped to the darkness, and we had to carry him out of there, and the dollhouse was smashed. And I was thinking about all the nights I went over to Bert Kreischer's house with my family. It was just a, just to do stupid shit, but one Christmas, guys, Christmas in LA is like fucking

60 degrees, you know what I'm saying? It might turn to 50, you fucking, the wind blows or something. But this one time we went over there. Tremendous. And they had the pool opened. And Uncle Bert starts fucking around saying, I'm thinking of jumping in the pool and all this shit, right?

So a kid jumped in the pool, and all the other kids wouldn't jump in. And Mercy goes, I jump in the pool, and Bert's like, I dare you, Mercy. And Mercy's like, watch this, and she fucking, there's a Mercy's like three guys. Mercy loved to fucking swim and jump in water and stuff. It's nighttime, it's fucking cold out.

They didn't believe it, Mercy. She's like, I'll go in, and they're like, Mercy, Mercy, go, go, go, go. And my daughter started looking at the water, and she started getting fired up. And all of a sudden she started fucking running to the thing. And before she ran in the pool, she stopped, and she goes, Dad, hold my ring.

I gave her some fucking little fucking ring. She got the cracker jack box and some shit. And she hit the pool, and we fucking died of laughter. And those are memories, we didn't have to tape it. We didn't have to take a picture of it. We just laughed our asses off. And ever since that day, Bert and Mercy got tired. So she asked me about a week ago how's Uncle Bert doing.

So the whole thing. So, you know, man, I said some things a few weeks ago about LA. And I realize now that I do miss some of my friends. And it's fine. We communicate, we talk, we chit chat from time to time. And that's it. I checked up on Theo. A lot of you people said, check up on Theo.

I checked up on Theo. He was fine. You know, he's going through what you're going through. We make the right decision moving here. What am I going to do with my life? What happens in six months? Do I take the vaccine? What the fuck?

It's just too many fucking things. So people are at their fucking peak. So I get it. I get it if you're upset. I called everybody I can. I check in. I check in with Leah. I check in with Steve Simone.

And that's it. That's the best you can do. I'm fucking stoned already. I love it. You know what I'm saying? Don't take much these days. I've been kind of like, you know, you can't smoke all day because I'm busy. I got the kid.

I got the wife. I got shit to do in the daytime. But when we do have a little chance of Tay-Tay like this, we got to smoke a little number from time to time just to throw you off. You know what I'm saying? Just to let you know I still got you. I feel good. I've been working out, but even right, my sleep has been fucking tremendous.

You know, I get a good seven hours straight now. No more staying up late nights. No more nothing. If you see me up late nights, it's because I probably fell asleep like at 9.30. And now it's 3.30 in the morning. I'm more like lurking like a fucking animal. That happens to me. And that hasn't happened in the last couple of weeks.

I thought, I think it happened like two weeks ago. I woke up like at four. And I'll stay up. I'll play. Instead of laying there and fighting myself and being angry, fucking. I get up. I write a little bit and I fuck around and tweet and get everything ready. So when I come back later on, everything's fucking done for me.

Tomorrow I got an appointment with the heart doctor to make sure everything's all right. It's by fucking Zoom from California. So hopefully he fucking, I got to go on Zoom. So hopefully he fucking submits me to a doctor here. Not that my heart is bad or whatever, but all this anxiety hasn't helped. So I'm in the same position as you motherfuckers. But like I said, you can't be, I think I, that sent me to take my anxiety tackle me again. Listen, we're all going to be scared.

And we all have our fears. I want you to tackle them in different levels. I don't want you going, oh well, okay, I'm going to tackle my fears. I'm going to go from being at home for a month and giant stadium to see guns and roses. You'll fall apart. Just take little baby steps to store a circle of three, a circle of six, then go home, be scared for a week or so. Test yourself. You probably be get fucking paranoid and just linger out guys.

These four walls, they only get smaller when you're going through what you're going through. The four walls just get smaller. So don't let yourself get caught up in four fucking walls. Go outside, stand on the side of the fucking building. There's no COVID on the side of your building. There's no COVID on the side of your house. It's just you want you to breathe. Look at the sun.

It's raining today in Jersey. You think I don't go out because it rains. It rained Monday. You should have seen me. I was fucking everywhere. Rain don't fucking kill you. Depression does. You fucking hide and does.

You not expressing yourself. That's the shit that kills you. You not letting out your stress. That's what fucking kills you. You not working it out, writing it out. That's what's going to put you in a fucking hole. Not the fucking, you know. Oh, I'm going to die from COVID.

No, you're not. Chris Christie made it. We're good. Once you saw that motherfucker walk out of the hospital, you were like, ooh, unless you're in worse shape than he is. You know what I'm saying? But if he made it, he's fine. Trump 74 overweight, he's fucking fine. Listen, guys, I think the media played with our heads a little bit.

I think that the deaths were exaggerated. You guys all know this. And I think that right now it's the virus is fucking mutated and it ain't taking people. Take your chances. Get your life back. Go get your life back. Oh, you lost your job. Start from scratch.

Go get a new fucking job. Oh, you don't like your job? Well, this is the time to get the job you fucking like. Right or wrong? It can't get no worse than this. So go for what you fucking go for. It can't get no worse than this. Listen, in 1991, I got on stage.

I had a job. I was making good money. I was flipping cars. I was doing rubes on the side. I wasn't fucking, you know, Jeff Bose, whatever his name is, the guy that owns Amazon, the little Cuban dude. But I was making a little bit of cash. But was I happy? I was fucking miserable.

I was fucking miserable. And then to the grace of God and my ex-wife some way, I got up on stage. The comedy works in Denver. And, you know, it didn't take a fucking genius when I walked off that stage. I didn't know if this was my calling, but I knew that it was what I wanted to do. I knew I enjoyed roofing. I enjoyed working with the family. I enjoyed working a day job.

I'm not a lazy person. But at the same time, I wanted to do comedy bad. I did it a couple times after I got on stage the first time. I did it a couple times in August. I came back to New York in 1991 and snuck some spots in some places. I was fucking terrible. But I knew it's what I wanted to do. Now I was in a dilemma.

How was I going to do comedy, have a child, and, you know, maintain a relationship with a wife? When you're 28, that's a tough dilemma to put together. Now I do it because I know exactly what my duties are. You can't waste time. When you're 28, you don't know that. You still want to go to your buddy's house and watch the game and play fucking Nintendo, whatever fucking football you mother fucking plays mad or whatever. Once you get a family, all that ends. You know, all that ends.

You got to put all those things aside. I wanted to do comedy so bad, but I had so many fucking things on my plate. I didn't know where to start from. I walked in that fucking house, October 15th, which won't come on the anniversary on fucking tomorrow. When I walked in that house, October 15th, they got lunch, something I forgot. My ex-wife was standing in the kitchen with a piece of paper. We had a kitchen and then we had like a little desk next to it. It was just like a two bedroom condo in Boulder.

It was just showing me this loan that I had taken and paid back and why I had taken it. She was making such a big deal about it. I mean, there was no argument. She just said it was time for her to take a break and for us to get separated. When she said those words to me, guys, it's like the most bittersweet moment of my life. I mean, I didn't want to lose my wife, but I did want to do fucking comedy. Over the weeks, she told me, yeah, you're still going to have a relationship with your daughter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I went right for it.

Why? Because when we got separated, something happened with the roofing company. All of a sudden, they had a big job in Jersey and they couldn't take me because they already had an estimator and a roof stalker over there. So I was left without a job. So as soon as all this happened, what do you do? You want me to cry? I lost like a $70,000 a day job in 1980 fucking 1991. Did you want me to cry?

Yeah, I was going to feel it in my pocket. But no, it was the perfect time to get into comedy because I had nothing to lose. So right now, guys, you got nothing to lose. If there's something you want to do, this is the time to do it. You're on your fucking grandmother's couch anyway. It can't get no worse than this. They won't even take your ass at the shelter. So you might as well go with this for right now and take a chance while you can do it.

I don't want you to think that having fucking $10 in your pocket is going to change your life. No, it's not. You're still going to have to do it. No, it's not. You're still going to have the same problems you've always fucking had. We think those skeletons just miraculously disappear. They fucking don't. So what you need to do is grab your notebook, start writing and move forward.

I don't care whether you want to be a painter, whether you want to do beats, you know, or someone that would get online the other day wants to do beats. He doesn't know where to start. I said, fucking do beats. I don't know. There you go. It starts with a fucking beat and then figure out the synthesizer. I don't know that world.

I don't know nothing about that world. I can't walk them through them, but don't hit me what you want to do. It's time to do it. You know what I'm saying? I want to do a thousand things. I wish I would have done a thousand things. I wish I would have went down the line and had some orgies and shit, but that never happened. Okay.

I never had an orgie in my life. It's disgusting, especially now to think about it. Let me see what else I want to cover with you guys here today. We got that. We got that. We got that. We got that. Oh, I want to talk to you something about very important.

All right. The Patreon tears. Listen, I love doing Patreon. I love you motherfuckers to death. You guys were my therapy. August, September. You guys were my therapy. And listen, when you have 14.5,000 people, what's 10% of that?

That's emails. And you guys know if you're on my Patreon, I answer back emails, some of every simple emails, but some of you guys lay heavy shit on me. If I tell you my fucking schedule, you would die with it. They are nights. I sit down at nine o'clock on that computer. I kiss my daughter goodnight and I wrap up that computer at one in the morning. And that's just answering emails.

Now I still got to do a podcast and I still got to fucking do an intro for you guys, which I love. I love doing all this stuff. I love being in the car and hearing a new song going, oh, I'm going to use that for the intro tomorrow. Or I'll wake up. That intro is done very organically. I wake up in the morning.

What song do I want to hear? This morning I gave you what I gave you. Bam. There you go. There's no drama. All I'm trying to do is get you started and take your mind somewhere else in the morning when a little bit of music. You know, I used to do it on Twitter where I put the saying and then I put videos up

with the songs I'm feeling with this. I get combined. It's tremendous. I'll put on something and what I'm saying is what I'm fucking feeling. What I got to do today. Like I worked myself up. Today's a no nonsense day. They ain't giving away shit.

I start calling myself a piece of shit. You got nothing coming. You got to do what you got to do because it's true. Everybody's walking around thinking you got something coming nowadays. You got nothing coming. You know, when this fucking pandemic is over, they're going to throw you out of your apartment if you didn't pay rent. It's that simple.

I know people have not paid rent since fucking April and the landlord said this is great. But when your lease is over, you got to go. You know, somewhere along the line, you don't have to face the fucking realities of this COVID situation. So I want you to plan for it. Listen, people have couches. Don't be fucking so proud that you can't ask. Don't be so proud.

That's what I'm seeing. I saw that in California. All those high people, all those fucking nitwits now got to deal with their jobs and they don't have jobs and they don't have the fucking means to keep living up in Studio City. Trust me, I had neighbors that were fighting for their life to put two nickels together. Now, they're going to really fucking see it because it affects your image. See, they live for the Joneses out there. I don't live for nobody.

I live so my daughter can fucking eat. You follow me? I live so my daughter can eat. I drive a Subaru. You don't see me parry trooping and fucking Hawaii. I don't give a fuck. I'm here with my family. That's the most important thing I can do.

Those people in LA, the people that were in my name would have a certain image to keep. Who do you think is paying for those fucking nannies? There's been one fucking Mexican nannies deported on purpose. I guarantee those fucking white people called the cops and told them, I got an illegal nanny here. Come get us. I could lose a 1200 a fucking month because they're running like three nannies. I swear to God.

So a bunch of nannies had to get fucking fired. People's had to start drinking, you know, alcohol, sales through the fucking roof. I spoke in the drug dealers. Cocaine sales are through the fucking roof. You're smoking. I'm smoking. We ain't all that broke. We're living off of something.

Some of you motherfuckers got reefer butt. The most important thing is you live in for the Jones motherfuckers. It's going to be a little tough now when the Jones are related to COVID. How does it feel now? Talking about your boats and shit. Forget that shit. Forget that shit. Now, those LA people are going to fucking feel it with all that bullshit.

And listen, my heart goes out to them. They drank the tea. In 2005, when I drank the longest shot, I drank the tea. But in 2006, when I realized I was still the same piece of shit I was, it was all over. The tea fucking wore off. And I realized what that game was about. And it's about fucking just doing what you're doing, pushing the fucking forward. And you can't worry about what this guy is doing or that guy.

Oh, he's got a new car. I got to buy a new car. You don't got to buy dick. Fuck him. What else you don't know is that motherfuckers paying 800 a month. And you can't borrow 800. You come to me and say, listen, I can't make my Ford payment. It's 240.

I'll give it to you. 240 ain't shit. But you come to me for an 800 on a car payment. I might lend you half the first time. The second time, I'll suggest that you light the car on fire. Or we can light it on fire together. I know exactly how to fucking do it. I've looked at cars on fire before.

It's no big deal. But right now is a good time to look at your finances and see what you can live off of and what you live off of. Cable's fucking high. I look at cable every day and I go, why the fuck do I pay all this money? I only watch one fucking channel and that's just once a week. I watch CBS 60 Minutes once a week. If I watch football, it's at Florentine's house or something like that.

I don't watch that much fucking TV. Last time I went upstairs, my wife was watching some lady with some tattoo on her leg. Get the fuck out of here. I came right down and went back to answering the fucking emails. I don't watch fucking TV. So if you're not watching that much TV, cut, cut, cut. You don't got to deal with the Joneses no more. It's fucking COVID, cunt sucker.

And that's it. I don't even know what else to fucking tell you. I'm nice and fucking high. Rule number one, don't get high on the one. It's been happening to me the last couple of times. The last two podcasts I did, I paid for those motherfuckers after the cameras got turned off. The first one was that spray day where I did about 19 sprays. I didn't feel it until like three o'clock.

And fucking Monday Sunday's podcast, I ate a 200 milligram capsule. Woo, I'm not doing that no more fucking at 10 o'clock in the morning. That was a big mistake. I found myself nodding during the fucking Miami Dauphin game, like a heroin junkie. I had to get up and fucking eat 22 chicken wings. Thank God I didn't gain the weight and weight watches all right with chicken. That doesn't have the sauce on it. But we all got fucking problems.

But I will tell you one thing. If you have a chance this weekend, or if you don't have a chance, or if you just find somebody with showtime, I think you fucking pirate the app. I don't fucking know. I don't know nothing about that. I just had, you know, a lot of people emailed me and said they saw me on it. If you get a chance, watch the last three episodes. And if you get a chance, watch all the five episodes.

It is very interesting. You know, I sit here and I say shit sometimes that it's not alive, but it's not correct in the way I say it. I was part of something. I wasn't part of a crime organization or the mafia. I was part of the fucking comedy mafia. I was part of something that was so fucking big. And now that I'm here and I see it, I was so proud of. I was so fucking proud of.

I didn't do a lot of good things in my life. But life, God, Buddha, whoever the fuck led me to the fucking comedy store. Just led me to the comedy store. You know, I got off that fucking, I drove down with my girl from the stripper in the trailer. We were pulling the fucking Mazda. Excuse me. And we landed, I gotta be honest with you, we landed in LA at 7.15 at night. We got on the 101 exit.

We didn't know we were going. We had a trailer. Yeah, well, it was fucking RVs. We were fucking towing a fucking car and we had a dog in the RV. I didn't know where the fuck to go. We pulled up on Fairfax Boulevard. We disconnected the car. We went to Al Capucco, AKA the second what happened with Sam Tripley ran.

That's what that place was. Al Capucco Mexican restaurant. It was all you could eat. I fucking went down there with my girlfriend. I ate dinner. And there was only one place to go on that Monday night. You know, January 29th. There was only one place to go.

And I went right to the comedy store and they didn't let me park on the lot. I had to pay the park and walk in like a civilian. But I walked around the back and it was just amazing. I saw a couple of comics I had known. James Stevens at 30 was Monday night. I think it was an open mic night. I met wheels. I saw the guy from The Last Dragon with Eddie Griffin.

I saw Eddie Griffin. Didn't say anything to anybody. I just sat there and I watched the show. I talked to Bill Barris. I forget that. That's his name, Barris. I forget now because I'm lying. And Don Barris.

I'm sorry. Don Barris. I spoke with Don Barris. It was funny. I was just watching a video about Van Halen on Jimmy Kimmel. And I don't know if something had happened. They were running late. And it's a fucking video of Don Barris with his suit on.

Pushing the fucking crowd back as a Jimmy Kimmel warm up. Fucking tremendous if you could see it. I saw a couple great videos this weekend. You get a chance. If you want to watch a real podcasting, the beginnings of podcasting, there's a fucking Howard Stern with Artie Lang and Robin. And Dice calls in because Artie Lang did a gig for Dice.

And Dice never paid him the five grand. It was two weeks later and Artie got mad. You listen, man, to do a good podcast, you got to watch the whole Howard Stern shows. Because that was the beginning of the podcast. And they didn't know it because it was a different level of opening up. Artie was really doing some... You know, I haven't heard from Artie.

I reached out to him a couple of times. I hear he's doing well. I hear he's scared of COVID and he's taking care of his mother. But most importantly is that he's clean. But I don't give a fuck what you motherfuckers think of Artie. He's made some mistakes and he's done some heroin. So what? Who gives a fuck? When Artie Lang was on Stern,

those are some of the best fucking years of radio. As far as I'm concerned, you won't argue with me, argue with me. And they were the beginnings of podcasting. Because it wasn't like, hey, you just heard Eric Clapton, slow and numb. It was just these guys talking. He went from this chubby, little Italian guy

that was doing blow and gambling. And right before your eyes, he changed this guy that was not wearing sunglasses. And he was talking about going to heroin and shit like that. It's brilliant. If you're starting a podcast, if you're thinking of starting one, if you're doing a podcast,

if you think you could be doing a little better, let me tell you what I... Listen, three quarters of the shit I do here is Stern and Rogan combined. That's it. And I add my own personal flavor and I talk from the heart of my balls. Well, that's beyond this with you.

You know, we all have influences for something. For comedy, it's always been Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor for me. For music, it's always been Eric Clapton, David Gilmore's guitar, fucking bottom's drumming, Robert Plant, what he does on stage with his body. It's always been something.

When it comes to podcasting, my two fucking heroes were Howard Stern and Joe Rogan. I mean, they just... Somewhere I wanted to be in the middle of that. I don't have the intelligence of Rogan. I don't have the interviewing skills of Howard Stern, but I got the heart and I've studied them both and I try to bring that to you guys.

So always remember that. Before you go into something, you got to have a guide. Some guy that you're watching that you're going, hmm, he's doing it. I'm a fan of that motherfucker. I like what he's doing, but I would do it differently. That's where the art comes in.

That's where the word art comes in and creativity. This is what this has been. This is not brain surgery here, guys. This is not brain surgery. This is a wall, a couple of iPhones, a fucking portable mic that's on the fucking thing that picks up everything. I mean, last time I went to take the fucking thing for you guys

and I had to go up and sit and tell them I wanted to turn the TV down. That fucking microphone. You can't have a conversation. If you have a conversation down the block, I can take into that microphone and clean it up and hear the fucking conversation down the block. These mics are great. This costs $49.95, $600,000 on fucking Amazon.

You're looking to start a podcast, just go to fucking Amazon. I promised you guys I didn't want to come up with glitter and glam. I will promise you one thing though. I think for the Khabib fight, I'll have the bar ready for you motherfuckers. And I'll do one of those fight type things. We'll watch the fight with the last five fights in the card. I'll talk about it.

I'll get somebody to come up. It won't be a big time production or nothing. But by that time, I could probably give you the first glimpse of the bar. That's what I'm going to use it for. For sporting events, maybe we'll do a movie podcast sometime and we'll do it in there. Look, the wheels are fucking spinning, cocksucker. I'm not just sitting here fucking jerking off here.

I'm fucking thinking. I'm thinking of better ways. Because I think they're going to lock things down somewhere. I hope not. My daughter's going to school. I hope a kid don't fucking sneeze. First kid that sneezes, I'll lose my daughter's sneeze because she's got fucking allergies.

That's why she drives me crazy when she sneezes too. But if they close this down, which I hope not. I hope that I'm not crazy. I don't know how cold December and January is. But I just want to keep doing this with you. This is it. There's not going to be no fucking big lights in Hollywood. I don't need the aggravation.

All we're doing here is fucking communicate. And if this is the easiest way to do it, so be it. You got everybody here. You got Bruce Lee. You got Sid the Squid Monkreath. You got Palisade Amusement Park. You got my man Charles Bronson. And you got AC DC.

Five days, four days before I saw him the first time. That's June 30th. I saw him August 4th. What's the fucking difference? Who gives a fuck? It don't make me no better than you motherfuckers. All I'm saying is we're here and we're queer. The joint is fucking done.

Episode four. What did we learn today? If you got offended by Bill Byrne, just fucking jump off a bridge. Leave me the fuck alone, okay? Leave me the fuck alone. Number two, Burke Christ is a bad motherfucker. Give him the respect he deserves. He comes to your town.

I don't care if you go after the show and just buy a $10 hat. Support. Number three, watch the Comedy Store documentary. It means the world to me. It means the world to me. Download the Showtime app. Showtime's got some great other shows on there also. And watch that documentary.

Because it means the world to me. Somebody took the time. It means the world to me that after I punched a ticket, people are going to watch that fucking thing and go, wow, we didn't know he was a part of that. Yes, I was. With all my felonies and all my problems and all my addictions, I was still a fucking part of that.

You know, I came there, I don't know, 15 years or maybe, I don't know, 10 years after Kenerson's fucking crew rolled out of there. We came up there with a whole new crew in 98. And we took it straight to 2007. I took a couple of years off. I came back to the store in 2013. And dog, I closed that motherfucker out on March 3rd. So guess what?

I'm like a fucking captain up there at the fucking Comedy Store. I paid my dues. A lot of people became regulars and didn't fucking make it out. I walked off that stage on March 3rd, the same way I walked out of that podcast studio. With my head held high, I gave you the best job I could give you. And I walked out of there with fucking dignity into the fucking sunlight. You can't fucking beat that, guys.

And that's all I'm trying to tell you. Don't ever let nobody tell you it's time to go like I'm doing right now. I'm going to bow out of this one because I'm a little too high. I love you, motherfuckers. We're all in my heart. Thank you for supporting the sponsors. This week's is Bluetooth. You got to work on your dick at Stamps.com.

You got to help your business game. You want to sell Globes? Get to selling fucking Globes. Get Stamps.com. That's it. And that's that. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Patreon, $3, $5, $10, $15.

You get the album review. You get the fucking lens. You get everything. And everybody gets a little work money. Everybody gets a little fucking temp. You know, it's just, this isn't just going to my pocket. I'm not being, I spread it around a little bit. People need money.

People need help. My man one by one podcast is helping me. Thank God. He's one of the most creative guys I've met in fucking years. Great man. My man Lee is up in Milwaukee. He put out a new podcast. Please support him because we're going to be going back and forth.

And once he gets to Boston, I'll be doing Zoom appearances on him. Even though I don't like Zoom for Lee, I'll do whatever the fuck he needs because I want him to tell his friend. Lee's podcast, I hope, he does it like Aerosmith did their book. Two guys telling their view on that particular night. And I'm like Ralphie Nights or whatever I could call him. But do me that favor and support Lee Sian. Anybody else who you're supporting during this time.

You know I give you my fucking soul with this. You know I answer my messages on Patreon. We cut the messages from three dollars to five. And it's now called Dear Abby. And I did that for a reason because I want you to contact me with real problems. Not what kind of weed you smoke and enjoy. I've already posted those pictures up. So we switched that up.

On the $15 tier you get everything and you get merch. But you do not get it till January 1st. This is what I'm saying to you. Why? Because we're backed up. We got the design. What do you want me to do? Put it on my fucking forehead.

I can't do that. It only comes in XL and large. But let me talk to them. I got a lot of fucking XL3's and XL4's that I sell. That I know are going to want stuff. So I'm going to try to fucking do that for you also. Okay. The three dollar one.

You guys are the dollar ones that came on. You're getting everything except the album thing. The live videos and the messaging. Why? Because you guys are the ones that were messaging me a lot. And the people that were giving more money weren't messaging me at all. So I had to cut that down a little bit. If you want to talk to me and keep up the conversation,

you're going to get everything else in the fence. So what do you give a fuck? I'm going to talk to them today about hats and try to get those out sooner than later. And that's it. And that's that, guys. I'm trying my hardest to bring you comfort, to bring you happiness. And a fucking little laughter for a couple of minutes every week. All right.

Go to patreon.com slash joey Diaz. The podcast, this is always free. I don't give a fuck. Nothing interferes in this. This is my communication with the world. I put it up on Patreon also. So I don't have to fuck around with it or whatnot. But that's it.

And that's that. Listen, it's the 14th of fucking October. We're halfway there. We're two months away from the new year. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Have a great motherfucking weekend. I'll be lurking this weekend. I'm going to hit you with a little surprise video or surprise something.

You'll get a now mother week. Maybe. I don't know. I'm only giving you two a month, but I might drop three on you because I'm a nice guy. You know what I'm saying? Stay black. Have a great day. Have a great weekend.

Uncle Joey loves you. All right. Talk suckers. Like I told you in the beginning, Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by blue chew. Remember when your dick would be hard just because the wind would blow? Just like that. Your fucking dick would be hard. You would rub it through your jeans.

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Blue chew.com, use code Joey, J-O-E-Y. Blue chew.com, use code Joey and thank them for continuing to sponsor the joint. I also want to thank stamps.com. Fucking tremendous. This is a service that, listen, if you're in business small or large, you can't live without. Plain and simple. Stamps.com brings the post office into the comfort of your own fucking home.

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to thank you guys for being here. Uncle Joey's joint loves you, it's like, stay black. There you go. I don't want to be like that guy in the COPD commercial. Grandpa, you can't blow out the candles, don't fuck yourself. You can't blow out the candles, you can't blow out the candles, you can't blow out the candles, you can't blow out the candles, you can't blow out the candles, you can't blow out the candles, you can't blow out the candles, you can't blow out the candles, you can't

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