Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #005 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

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It's a beautiful day to be alive, cocksuckers. It's Monday, October 19th. Hey, look who it is. What's happening? What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joe here. It's Monday, October 19th. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. By the way, it's a fucking two months to the day that I left LA today. If I would have told you right now, I mean, when I, before I left, I was like, by the time I fucking leave LA, you know, two months, what am I going to feel like? I got to tell you something. I can't even describe to you the change. It's been great. And thank you guys for watching the podcast and working with me. We've been able to work this fucking thing out, but it's been a rough fucking two

months. But the last month is finally straight now. I'm getting a little scheduled down, which is the most important thing that had my fucking anxiety going off the rails, was I had no schedule. I'm still living kind of day to day to the fucking minute, you know, but at least we got a little bit more under our feet to work with. You know, I lift Mondays and Thursdays. My daughter's back in school four days a week. Thank fucking God starting today. So it gives me a little bit more flexibility. So it's like what I said, all the pieces have come fucking together, Jack. I had a great fucking weekend. I don't know how you guys weekend went. I'll tell you one thing. I got my Friday night. I didn't do dick. I think somebody came over to eat dinner

or something like that. Somebody just stopped by. That was it. Saturday night, my wife went out and I stayed home with the baby just because Saturday nights. I got my fucking schedule down. Listen, for the last 20 years, 29 years, I've been out on a fucking Saturday night, every fucking Saturday out, hustling spots. I remember when I first started in 90 fucking four, when I first really got into it, I used to fucking go on Saturday nights. I used to drive like an hour and a half to do a spot, a show that started at 11 and the guy will put me on last because he fucking thought it was too dirty. So I would have to sit there till one 30 in the fucking morning. So I've been going out on Saturday nights for fucking close to 29 fucking years. So finally, I found out that on Saturday

nights here in Jersey, it's my night starting at nine o'clock. I don't have to do nothing, except get stoned. As a matter of fact, happy Monday. Gotta get the party started at some time on a Monday morning, you know what I'm saying? But Saturday nights is my night. W P I X is still throwing some heat at me. Fucking when I was a kid, W P I X is channel 11. I would fucking watch that every goddamn night because you had the our couple 11, the honeymoon is 1130, San Francisco and the 12 and the twilight zone at 1230 and W I 1030 had Betty Hill. God, forget God forbid a tit pop out and you didn't fucking watch it. But that's not my point. Now 20 fucking 30, 40 years later,

W P I X on Saturday night has the lineup of death and it's perfect for me because I got Archie Bunker on at nine. I got the honeymooners on at 930 and this word gets better. Boom. I got an hour in between. So that means I don't feel fucking that lazy. I don't have to sit there for fucking three hours and watch TV. So at 10, my wife usually goes to bed at 10, I'll get up five after 10, I'll get up and do some work on the computer, maybe roll a fucking joint, maybe do something I need to do the night before a promo, whatever the fuck it is. And then 11, bam, I got two more episodes of the honeymooners. So I can't fucking lose. It's like a fucking doctor. I stay in completely. I get my little hood. It's when the hood is sweatshirt. When you see a hood is sweatshirt

Uncle Joey, you know, I'm going down. I either got a red one or one of Felipe's blue ones or a black fucking jujitsu one that whatever sent me Fuji sent me. Those are my pajama sweatshirts. Well, I usually don't put those motherfuckers on to like 930 on Saturday. Bam. Those motherfuckers come on like 730 dog because I know my fate. You ain't get me out of the house on the Saturday, at least not for the fucking remainder of the year. I'm locked in on a Saturday. That's my reefer night. I do a little edible. You know, it's funny because I was talking to Lee Saturday night and he was telling me he goes that you somebody put a 200 milligram in my 100 milligram. I wonder who it was. I'm like two months fucking later. You're still talking about

these edibles. I supposedly put in your fucking thing. No, what's going on is I resist, you know, I'm tolerance is going down. When the fuck do I eat edibles now? Well, listen, California part of it was a fucking, I, we did edibles every fucking day. I did an edible every day at some point of the fucking day, you know, and eventually when I came back, yeah, I couldn't, my anxiety was too high that that edible shit went out the window. The night that there was an earthquake here in freehold, New Jersey, there was an earthquake like fucking 20 miles from here in freehold. Everybody kept saying, New Jersey, you brought the fucking earthquake with you. The night of the earthquake, I was fucked up. I'm not gonna lie to you people there at nights that I go rogue.

I can't sleep and I start eating fucking edibles and I go rogue. I get I got those hash tabs or the pro tabs from urban trees and they're just 25 milligrams. If I really want to listen, I made a mistake last week. Last week, I ate a fucking capsule on here on Sunday at 10 in the morning. And by two o'clock, I'm like, these fucking 200 milligrams aren't doing shit to me. Maybe my, maybe my tolerance is wrong. Holy fuck, about 330. I went over to my friends to watch football. I was fucked up for like an hour and a half. I mean, fucked up, nodding. I was calf falling asleep. But then I ate a chicken wing and I was back like a fucking doctor, a chicken wing and a piece of shrimp. And I was fucking back and that was it. But I'm like, I got pretty fucked up

there. So I didn't mess around with them the rest of the week. But Wednesday night, I went down Uncle Vinny's. Listen, I got four shows down there. I told you motherfuckers that this was going to be just an experiment to see. But here's the funny thing. I went down Uncle Vinny's and I ate a bag of dicks this past Wednesday night. I only got four things there for month of October. I got some shit going on in November. But I went down Uncle Vinny's last Wednesday and I ate a bag of dicks. My timing was off. My material was off. I couldn't remember my fucking material. I was so upset. I hadn't bombed that hard at a show in probably 20 years. I was so fucking upset. I came home and ate like fucking six. First of all, why am I bullshitting you guys? I had these these hash tabs

and I had like maybe six left in the bottom of a baggie. I didn't have time to take two out just to put them in my little drug pocket. So I took the whole baggie with me. And on the way back from the show, I was so visibly upset. I just don't like bombing like that that I ate all fucking six pills. By the time I got home, and I fucking took a shower and I went out to the living room. I was fucking on fire in that living room. I mean, drooling the whole fucking thing. I drank the tea. Once I drank my little THC tea, it slides out. There's some that listen. One night I fell asleep with the tea. All I have to do is just sip it sometimes. I put it on my lap. One night I fell asleep because the tea spilled on my lap and it was still hot. Remember the fact, the

coffee hit her legs with McDonald's and then she sued McDonald's. I had nobody to sue. I just threw myself. All I got to do is taste the fucking THC tea. I break them up. I either do the sleepy time or the THC tea. Whatever tea it is, it doesn't matter. I just do two sips sometimes and I'm fucking it just puts me right the fuck over. You know, there's some THC products. I do the melatonin from from fucking on it. So some nights I eat an edible and I eat those fucking sleep products and I go deep, deep, deep off the murky waters. You know, ever since Wednesday I've been a little good this week. Last night I didn't do no fucking edibles. I just sprayed a couple sprays. But even this spray a couple weeks ago, I was fucking around with you guys and I was doing

the mint spray in the daytime. Jesus Christ. About three hours later, I looked at myself in the mirror. My fucking eyes were beat red. My eyelids were fucking red. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Listen, it was a rough fucking eight years and we slowed the fuck down. What do you think is going to fucking happen? Back to the bombing on Wednesday. What I understand about this bombing was, and a lot of people probably tell you, oh no, Joey doesn't, bro, I bomb. And this is the problem. Here's the problem that I couldn't understand. The Wednesday before, I didn't do anything. I went down there without even looking at my computer, without looking at notes, without looking at nothing. And I did six out of ten. I did okay. I used some old jokes.

I talked about some new topics. This fucking Wednesday, I fucking got up at six in the morning and I worked on my material from six in the morning till nine in the fucking morning till my daughter got on the fucking computer. This is what baffles me about this, that I actually worked on my fucking set. And I got to tell you something. I go back to Lee on this here. Lee told me one time, I don't like when you do sets before a special. You're too tight and it's true. When I prepare myself and I try to fucking do good, I eat a bag of dicks because I'm too over-prepared. I got to go out there, I'm gonna fucking loose and just go fucking robots. If not, it just doesn't work out. So this week, I'm doing a hybrid. Like I'm gonna do material. I'm gonna write

material. I wrote something this morning. I wrote some yesterday. I wrote some Saturday night during that hour. That's what I did this week during that hour. I just went over my material. I'm gonna do some material tomorrow and then Wednesday, I'm not gonna do shit. So there's no pressure on myself. Like I said, I'm just looking at different fucking avenues here to see how I'm gonna attack this fucking stand up. I got a movie I'm gonna do in November. I'm gonna be away from it and then we'll see what the fucking things are going on before the after the election. See, I'm not worried about the election as much as the other thing that people aren't looking at. You ever see before a tropical storm comes, people will say, there's a storm out there brewing.

There's a storm brewing, but it's not fucking, it's not the election and it's not California and it's not Seattle and it's not fucking Portland. It's not Austin. It's Minneapolis. Keep your eyes on Minneapolis. Last Friday, the judge let in the tape from the whole George Floyd thing. I'm not trying to be political. I'm just letting you know to keep your eyes open for this because it's gonna come out. People are worried about the election and COVID. I want you to worry about what's going on in Minneapolis as a fucking law freak is a law and order freak. You guys aren't watching it. They let the guy out on bail and now they allowed the whole tape. They want a whole tape of the interaction of what happened before

to see and he was like pushing the fentanyl thing. Remember, your uncle Joey told you that. Remember, your uncle Joey ain't wrong when he talked to you about these things. Everybody's worried about the election. Everybody's worried about COVID in the winter. My big worry is what's going on in Minneapolis. Keep your eyes open on that. Okay. Remember, I told you, don't let that slip out of your fucking conscious because that's in the middle of the country. That's in Minneapolis right there in the middle and that connects Denver, that connects Chicago. Keep your eyes open. Remember, you heard it from your uncle fucking Joey. I wouldn't lie to you motherfuckers. And with that, I got to talk to you about something beside the bombing and beside all this shit. Last week,

I was talking about Bill Burke on an SNL and I made some remarks about the fucking schools and a couple of people reached out to me and what I was trying to say was this. Okay, let's go back to the beginning of this. Over the last 10, 11, 12 years I've been on the computer talking around, talking to you guys, messaging with you guys, whatever. Every once in a while, once a week, somebody, a young comic, I don't even know if they're young. I'm just saying somebody who's new to comedy will send me a fucking tape and say, can you please watch my comedy and give me advice? And I always write back the same thing. Listen, number one, I'm not good at that shit. And number two, I'm the wrong guy to ask because I'm not here to fucking bust your dream, to bust

your fucking bubble. When it comes to comedy, listen, when I was living my real life fucking around out there stealing and doing all that shit, yes, I was a recluse, but when it comes to comedy and a dream, I'm by the book. What are you talking about a dream, Joey? What's when it comes to somebody's dream, when somebody comes to me and they say, I want to be in a band or whatever, I don't cut their legs off. If somebody says to me, I want to start a band, I don't cut their legs off. If somebody says to me, what do you think about my music? I don't cut my legs off because I'm not here to tell you whether you're good or bad at what the fuck you do, especially when it comes to comedy, you put me in a bad position because that's not what I do. You take a guy like

Joe Rogan, for example, Joe Rogan is a very generous, decent guy who I've known for 23 years, has always been a positive fucking force in my life. And I'll tell you what, you think about our friendship. Our friendship is not, do you think Joe Rogan want to listen to my cocaine stories? Not really. You think Joe Rogan want to listen to my criminal stories? Not really. Our friendship is based on my respect for comedy and what he saw from me as a comedian. When it comes to comedy, me and Joe Rogan are fucking the dearest friends in the world. Trust me, when we're on a plane, we're not talking about me robbing somebody or me doing this or me doing that. We're talking about what we see in comedies and other sides. That's why him and I, that's our direct connection.

If you want to know why he's my friend, it's because he knows the respect I have for comedy, comics, people who are doing comedy. I respect anybody who's taking a fucking chance in their life. I really do because you could just fall into the norm. I respect anybody who's doing it outside in a rebellious way from within and they're being honest with themselves. There's people who are just out there, yahoo's, they're talking to themselves and they don't know what the fuck they're saying. They're those people too. But I see some young comics, you know, and you've seen them on my podcast. If they were on the old podcast, the church, it was because I had some sort of respect for them. You might not have known them or you might have never seen them on a TV show

and they weren't on a TV show. But I was watching their progress within the comedy community. And when you guys would say, why would you put that person on? They're not a known person. I don't give a fuck what you know or you not know. I know about them. I know what they're doing and I know the work they're putting in. So the thing that bothered me the most, one of the things that happened to me the most about L.A.'s greed is what they do to a young person's dream. I know a lot of women are going to raise their hands on this. A lot of men are going to raise their hand on this. Listen, it's a fucking nightmare. You got acting classes. You got high-end acting classes. You used to have improv olympic. You used to have groundlings and you used to have the other one

up by, which I don't know a lot of these names. But what I want to tell you was I wasn't putting them down last week. I'll tell you what I was putting down. I was putting down the system that they use on most people. Okay, and I'll explain it to you step by step. Number one, there's people who go to L.A. Let's just take it for the comedies. I could talk about music, but I really wouldn't know. I could talk about photography. I could talk about any one of the arts. Let's just keep it the comedy for right now because that's the one I know about for sure. Okay, when you come to L.A. As a comic, you come to L.A. with a little bit of fucking experience. You come to L.A. already knowing what time it is and knowing what position you're getting yourself into. Those are comedians.

When an actor comes to L.A., he's either done regional theater, theater in New York, theater in Chicago, maybe shot a few movies in his hometown. He was an extra and they shot a movie because, you know, they shoot movies everywhere. It's not like before that you had to live in California. They shoot movies in fucking New Orleans, whatever. And if you just happen to be lucky, you might get a day on that stuff. So you have an idea of what you're coming to L.A. with. And you have an idea that you have to get into an acting class. And hey, listen, when I went to L.A., I was told not to go to an acting class. And between you and I, I thought it was a bad idea. And that's why when I did the Bronx County fucking pilot,

they cut my lines down to one line. That's why I did the NBC show. I wasn't that good on that show. That's why when I did baseball, I wasn't that good on that. After all those three things, I was like in the Taco Bell commercial. I didn't really know what I was doing. Yes, the potential was there, but I didn't know what I was doing. So me, myself, being who the fuck I am in my world, but I'm a dumb fuck. And I know this. I signed up for a basic acting class on Monday nights. It was an Italian guy. The guy did not like comics. He was not comic friendly, but I second was bullshit for like four or five months on Monday nights. At the time, Monday nights was the hardest fucking night in L.A. So I used to have to go down there,

do my scene and leave, which was not fair to anybody else. And it wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair that what I was doing to the class. At the time, I only had one credit. I had Bronx County or whatever the fuck. So nobody really talked to me. Nobody really talked to me. Nobody really wanted to talk to me about anything. As time progressed, I got, his name was Magna, something Magna. And his class was on Schrader. It was up the corner from where me, Ralphie, around the corner from my fucking stand. We all lived there. There was a little acting class on Schrader. In fact, if you go behind that alley, I think you guys heard it when Duff McKagan was on the church. Guns and Roses lived in a garage back there. So behind that area there, there was like

something Magna, Frank Magna, and when his wife taught an acting class and across the street, there was another acting class. That's like Actorsville down there in Hollywood. This was like a cheap class, a hundred bucks a month, you know, 25 a week, you pay it as you came, you know, that type of shit. I could live with that at the time. Then somebody talked me into Ivana Chubbock. That's a great acting fucking school. It's a great school. And you go to the program. You start in the beginners. What I did Tuesday mornings, 10 to one, was the beginner program. That went from $100 to $225. And it was great. I was into it, you know. I wasn't getting any mileage on my stand up. So I figured, let me go to the fucking back door. The Sopranos came

out and all of a sudden I started getting, you know, people started calling me in for more roles. So I said, if I'm going to do this, I might as well fucking be prepared. I've blown 30 auditions already. So I signed up with Ivana Chubbock. So Ivana Chubbock had a great reputation. There was a couple other acting schools that had great reputations. But Ivana, I went and did, you could sit on them. I forget what you call that. When you sit on a class, I went and sat on all of them. And the guy I liked the most was Ivana Chubbock. Ivana Chubbock is a woman, but she has teachers that teach her. I forget the guy that while I was there, he's a sweet heart of a guy. He's probably watching this and get pissed off. But I got a lot of shit out of my mind.

He was a sweet heart of a guy. And guess what? He gave me the tools I needed. Mixed with what I was doing at the comedy store at night. Mixed with Mitzi's three minute rule on fucking Sunday, Sunday nights and Monday nights. All that mixed together. I figured out how to act just to get by. I did a bunch of little movies. If you look at my IMDB, you'll see it. But then what happened was I did a code reading workshop and I met this guy Christian Kaplan. Christian Kaplan was a great guy. He was a gay guy. He was a great guy. I loved him. He's doing something animation at Fox now. He was a great guy. He taught me how to cold read. Cold read means how to, when you get to an audition, they just give you a sheet of paper sometimes. And they say learn that right now.

You got five minutes to fucking make the call. And you got five minutes to read this shit and make your call and how you're going to read this or how you're going to fucking go back in that room and blow the morning. That's why it was guys. That's, that's it. There's no fucking, you're the real world. They give you a sheet, you know, some, some auditions send you the fucking audition the night before. That's fine. Some places don't want you to know what the fuck you're talking about. So they give you, they'll tell you pick up sides at the door and then you have to give them back to them before you leave. That was 50% of my struggle that they just give you the sides. You got to fucking outline it with a yellow fucking stuff, magic marker, and then put lines

around it. Christian Kaplan taught me how to break it down to a fucking science. And then I also went to a workshop that was run by the guy who cast Godfather 2 and Sleepers and Donnie Brask. I forget his name right off the bat. You got IMDB. I went to his casting director seminar. Those two fucking workshops helped me book people, helped me book, taught me how to book TV shows, movies, plays, whatever. I had it down. So I was an acting class between us. I drank the whatever the Kool-Aid, if that's what you want to call it. I was an acting class all together for about a year. I went to Magna. I had this African American guy for a while. That was gay also. He was a little sick, but motherfucker could teach you shit to look for in an audition. He's the one that guided me through

when Travolta was going to play a musician. And he had two stand-ups opening for him. I forget the whole plot of the thing. I forget the guy's name. He was a guy from Hoboken. And his two stand-ups were going to be me and Billy Gardell. And then Travolta chose to fucking do a Scientology movie that sucked dick and fucking crashed and burned. So they canceled that thing. But when I was doing all through that movie, that's who fucking coached me was that African American gay guy. Somewhere along the line, he got sick. That movie fucking went away. And then I got my hand. I had to go to Aventa Chubbock. The whole time I spent in acting class was about a year. But I learned something from that acting class. Number two, when I did Arliss, finally James Coburn pulled me

aside one day. I put that clip up on Patreon about a month ago. Somebody sent it to me. I had never even seen that fucking thing. Me and Arliss James Coburn. He pulled me aside and he goes, are you in acting class? And I go, yeah, he goes, get the fuck out. Because it's going to take away. I could tell you have natural ability, whatever the fuck. So I stopped going acting class. That's what got me out of acting class. Now, the reason I have a problem, and I don't have a problem with Aventa Chubbock at all or any of those coaches at all. But there were a lot of coaches that were running fucking scams. They would take, they would charge you $260, $270 a fucking month, $120, I knew a lady that was charging $120 to coach you for a half hour. Who could fucking do

that? Who can afford that? That's insane. So what happened in LA was what happens is, yeah, 50% of the people that go there like myself knew exactly what I wanted to do. But there was this other 50% that nobody knows about. And it's these college kids, they go to college, they get a great fucking degree, great, you know, history, law, whatever. But in their frat on their sorority, they start watching Saturday Night Live on Saturdays. And by the time they graduate, they tell their parents, listen, we don't want to go to fucking, we don't want to work for the family business or whatever. We want to become an actor. Can you give us a year out in LA? Those guys get fucking killed. Those guys, those young kids that decide in college that they want

to go out to LA and either become actors, or they want to be on SNL, they're poor fucking kids. By the time they get to LA, their dad, he doesn't know better. The dad or your mom gives them a credit card, they move out to LA, they get to fucking apartment, and then they run into one of those fucking acting people. And let me tell you something, or one of those improv schools. And the improv schools and the acting coaches, there's a lot of good ones. There's a lot of great ones. If you're ever going to join one, and you need to, you know, ask me, whatever, and I'll tell you. But there's a lot of bad programs. There's a lot of bad programs that they don't let you work until they get five or 10 grand out of you. I'm not fucking kidding you. They will tell you, I know one program in

Beverly Hills that was Scientology based, that while you took their acting course for 18 months, you were not allowed to audition. Are you fucking retarded? That's the shit that was pissing me off. So those theaters, yes, for guys like me that had fucking mentors, and they told me like, listen, don't get out of that class. Get out. Don't fall for that shit. Go in there, learn what you have to learn how to break down an audition, learn how to read a fucking script, learn how to make choices with your character, and then move on. Because those people will put a fucking limit on what you can and can't do. It was fucking insane. Or they'll tell you, you're not ready because you haven't taken all my programs. Okay, what are the

programs you have to offer? You have an acting class and you have a cold reading class. That's it in my world. No, not in LA. They got movement, breathing, you know, how to add dance to your fucking, what do you need dance for? You a fucking tap dancer? So they'll run you through a fucking program. There's a big time acting school that I still get emails from in LA. I haven't unsuscribed. I subscribe to them because I want to learn the scams they could do. Listen, guys, listen to me. I didn't need to do comedy. After I got the longest yarn, I could have quit and just opened up an acting school and milk kids to death. I could have gone to fucking little open mics in LA, picked out sheep. Listen, you know me, Doug, I'm a fucking thief all the way to the end.

I could have picked out little young kids that would have known better and said to them, come here, how would you like to be fucking trained? I could take you to the top. I could do this. I can help you write. I can help you get seen. Doug, there's a thousand comics that do that shit in LA that figure out that time is done. They get one or two credits. You think they're fucking God's gift to the world? And then they start private coaching, taking these kids money for everything they fucking got. But it doesn't stop there. It also stops with those acting classes and those fucking comedy fucking places. I'm not saying that bad. I'm not mentioning that. I'm not making any bad remarks about them. I'm not, you know, I'm not in business to fucking go to war

with nobody. I'm just telling you what I observed over the years. I had one friend that I had gone to a van at Chubbock with him in 2003. I bumped into him in like 2012 and he was now enrolled at a completely different acting fucking institute. And do you know that in nine years he still hasn't been at a fucking audition? By 2015, he called me and he had become an agent. That's so for 10 years he paid a fucking acting institute at an average of 300 a month. Let's just say two something a month plus one workshop a month. That's 400 a month. That's 4,000 a year. That's 4,800 a fucking year. Excuse me, not to mention. Ah, gotta get some juice and whatever you give that little COVID cough, you know what I'm saying?

And that's not to mention all the other shit that goes around. Let me tell you something. You people that complained to my Jennifer Aniston and oh well, they had people who helped them get through the thing. Their parents were famous actors. Let me tell you something, you fucking dummies. I met so many famous kids at those acting classes that it was pathetic. I met athlete kids like professional athletes that I looked up to. I met their kids in acting class. There was one kid that his father was a well known fucking quarterback. I'm not throwing anybody under the bus here. I knew this kid. When I was rocking and rolling like in 2004 movie wise, he had just come to LA and you know, he found that I was a stand up and he started coming to the comedy store and watching

me and he was a great kid. He was good looking. I thought he was smart. You know, he was handsome. He had a little bit of go getter to him. I wasn't sure. You know, could he act and could he do? I mean, but he was a nice kid. I bumped into him maybe two years ago at a restaurant and this kid was still, he still hadn't booked anything. He was still getting an acting class, personal training. You know, I think he had like fucking, you know, like the big motivator guy in his ear, his father paid for him. This guy couldn't win in fucking Sin City. God bless his soul and I'm not putting them down. But after a few years, you know or not if you got something like after a few years in LA after like three or four years, if you have, if you're still booking

fucking, you know, festival films and you're still fucking booking like college films, you know, you have to look at your thing like, listen, and at first I was going for college films because I didn't know how to act. You know how many fucking college films I shot? Tons. All of them were for free and all of them were overnight. You got to shoot, you got to stay up all fucking night and shoot them. I shot tons of them. I shot a short film one time with these Chinese guys and all they shot with my feet. I never, I went to the fucking premiere and it was just a movie about feet, people's feet running. I never, these camera people, all they shot was from my knees down. I shot so many fucking bad movies guys that you would fucking smack me if

you saw me and I put them up. I'm not even ashamed of them. I shot Stacey's mom. I just put that one up when I'm yelling at the kids. I'm calling them cocksuckers. You think they're in the room? They're not really in the room. It was just a camera on me calling a bunch of cocksuckers and then they put the kids in and took a picture and they wouldn't let those kids hear that language. And then when I walked through as the cooking teacher, then I had to say whatever I had to say but I didn't say nothing about Doug. I shot a thousand of those. So for every longest yard, for every soprano movie, for every fucking Spider-Man and for every fucking taxi and all that shit, thinking me shooting 20 bad fucking movies. Movies that you're sitting there going,

tell me that they're not doing this. Because there's always somebody, when you do those shitty movies, there's always somebody in that cast that got the role because they're sleeping with the producer or they're sleeping with the financier. 2013, when I started getting balls, when I started telling people no on the short films anymore, no on $100 films, it was because of one particular fucking project that they were driving me crazy. Like I'd noticed that I was picking up all these hundred dollar a day films and I was picking up just shitty, I was getting shitty offers for shit and I had already done the longest yard, fucking my name is Earl. I had already done all these movies and I'm getting all these shitty fucking offers.

And one day this guy called me up and he's like, hey, we'd like to meet you for this fucking short series about the mob, no brainer. I go to meet him and the guys, I just wanted to ask him, I go, so who else is in the cast? And he looked at me, he's like, maybe two or three people that you know, he told me to run down. And then he told me that he had a cast particular people with no acting experience, just because they were paying for the fucking movie. Like so the one lead was a fucking guy that was paying like his father paid for the movie. And he wanted his wife in the fucking movie. And I'm like, no, I'm not doing this shit no more. But that there are people that actually pay to fucking be in a movie. If you look at that

movie I did on my IMDB, there's a fucking stupid movie I did something in Hito hanging in Hito. That was a movie. That was a fucking stripper who her dream was to be in a movie. So the strip club owner wanted to fuck her. So the strip club owner borrowed a quarter of a million dollars. Are you listening to what I'm telling you guys? A quarter of a million dollars and whatever money he had and put together this movie in fucking Jamaica. That was God awful. And he made the stripper the lead. This stripper was beat up syphilis and gone through her. She looked like a fucking village after COVID went through it. This poor woman. And he put her in this movie. Luckily I got fired the fucking first day because I asked for the money they give you every fucking

day. They're supposed to give you cash every fucking day. $60 a day, $80 a day for per diem. When I got there, they didn't have no per diem. I go, where's the fucking per diem? They go, the money got stuck in California and Florida or whatever the fuck they were from DC. I go, what do you mean the money got stuck in DC? They're like, yeah, we can't give it to you for about a week. I go, what are you doing? And meanwhile the chicken's doing blow, they're fucking drinking rum at the bottom like none of that. And then they once I asked them for the per diem and the contract, they were like, well, it's better that you go home. Sure it's better than I go home because you guys are running a fucking scam here. The guy was telling me that

night. He was, nah, she's the star of the movie. They got, they got the black chick from fucking Baywatch, who was a nobody at that time. They got poor George Jefferson, who was on his last leg. He was like 90. He had one foot in the grave, one in the banana peel. And they got this fucking fat little guy that I loved with all my heart, me and Steve Simone. We've discussed them, Fat James. Fat James in the movie. And I thought so bad for Fat James because he had a fucking stay there. He was like, nah, Joey, you made a mistake. And I'm like, James, it's okay. I'm gonna leave. You could stay. I know you're my friend. I'm not, I'm not asking you to take my back. I'm just letting you know what, what's here. He was like all gone home when he came back. He was heartbroken. I guess

he let the chick from fucking Baywatch at the thousand bucks and she promised to take him to a New Year's Eve show at the fucking Playboy ranch or whatever. And she never fucking called him back. Hey, I'm telling you, the movie was a mess. But what my point is that what they do to your dream, those places I never fucking gotten bed with. Like that's what I meant when I was saying that. I'm sure that they've helped a lot of people. Second City has been the launch ground for tons of people in Saturday Night Live. And I'm sure Improv Olympic helped a lot of fucking people. And I'm sure the groundlings helped a lot of people. But I had a friend that was in the groundlings. I had a dear friend that was a stand up and he was struggling as a stand up. And he pulled me

aside when then he goes, I'm joining the groundlings for it to help me. Now I could have been a douchebag and said, what the fuck are you doing? I didn't say nothing because I wanted to be open. I wanted to say, well, maybe the groundlings does help you. Maybe it forces you to write from a different perspective. Maybe a fucking, you know, whatever the fucking is. I think he did it for like a year and a half. He got more frustrated. He packed up his bags and went back to wherever the fuck he was from Chicago and I never heard from him again. So this is what I'm saying to you. A lot of people come to Hollywood and they got these big dreams and they run into fucking people basically like me before I became a comic that try to rob them of their fucking integrity. That's bullshit in my world.

That's what I meant by it. There's a thousand bogus fucking coaches in LA. Doug, before I did that Netflix thing, the half hour, I was going to an open mic place and one of the things that bothered me the most about going down there was that they made you pay $5 to get on stage. The whole time I paid the five and I didn't say nothing. I just shut up. I shut my mouth and I watched. Why are you making young kids pay $5 to get on stage? I could look you guys straight in the fucking face and tell you I've never paid to fucking get on stage or in my early days. You either had to bring two people, you know, set up the show, know the promoter, you had to do some type of work pass out flies, but pay to go on stage. Listen, you know, for a while then I was thinking and I even bought the

website for the last supper. I was going to do a 12 when the COVID really hit and I was looking for options of what to do with LA just to stay busy, not even for financial gain, just to stay busy and to keep ahead of my game. I thought about there was a place across the street from subconscious jiu-jitsu in North Hollywood and it was just a small place. You know, I went in there a couple times, the guy wanted like four fucking grand to rent a closet in LA. I tried to talk to him, I said, listen, why don't we do this? Why don't we start at 2000 and grow together? And what my plan was to do was to get all those comics that you saw, I put on the church, Eric Rocha, Di Agostino, Dean Delray, we had like 12 or 15 of us. People that you don't know,

people that couldn't get on Netflix because they don't have an agent, but doesn't mean they're not fucking funny and it doesn't mean they're not working and it doesn't mean they're not fucking humans. They're just not in the loop. That's it. That's why I would put them on the church. When you saw a girl on there and you were like, who the fuck is that? That was somebody who I saw out one night and she was laying her soul down on a fucking stage. She was doing it every night regardless of what guys were saying to her. There's no spots for women in LA. Whenever you saw me put a woman up in my podcast, it was because this woman was fucking going in there, had fucking first and I supported that. I supported that. So what I wanted to do was I wanted to have the last supper where

you came in like a guy comes in, you know, one of us and instead of a fucking stranger or some guy you're paying telling you what the fuck is wrong with your set, people that love you tell you, hey, come here for a second. Don't do that joke up front. Save that for later because they already see that. You know, there's different tips. You can tell people that I know if I see Theo at the store and he does something, you know, if I see you at anywhere at a pizza place and you say something funny, I'm going to come up to you and tell you it's fucking funny. That's the school I'm from, you know, but ended there. I don't know what made it funny. You just had me laughing and you know, you guys know I don't laugh at three quarters of this shit. You guys make me fucking giggle. It's

fucking hysterical. So if I go into an open mic and you crack a joke that's funny, I'm going to come up to you and give you that type of support. The other support like fucking judging your sets, I would never do that. I would never fucking stop on your dream. Who the fuck am I to come to you? Who gave me the privilege to come to you and say you're fucking, you know, I see these young comics online putting the senior specials down or whatever. Who the fuck are you? Did you walk his fucking journey? Did you walk his journey? No. So how can you sit there and say that that fucking comic sucks? So this comic sucks. This is why it's a delusion to me. It's fucking delusional. When somebody sends me, there's just so much I could do as a human being.

I will not come up to you and tell you you fucking sucked. In my fucking 10 years on the podcast, there's only one comic I've said who's fucking sucked right out. And that's because it's true and they were confused besides that. And they already knew they sucked. They already knew they sucked. So only people already told them that they sucked and they were just a bad person. But beside that, I can never go up to a young comic and go, I don't like that fucking joke. What those comedy schools, what those acting classes and all that. After a while, you got to nip them in the butt and you got to cut loose from them. That's exactly what I did with acting. And listen, okay, I didn't make it to the greatest heights of the world. I'm no fucking

Stanislavski, but let me tell you something. Look at a guy like John Burntaw. This guy studied in fucking Russia. He's a tremendous actor. When you're on the set with him, he's creative. He knows little things. But so does Queen Latifa. So does iced tea. Ice tea's been on fucking law and order SVU for 22 years. Did he go to fucking Russian study? He probably had like an acting coach that helped him through a couple scenes and stuff like that. So it's different. Everybody has a different fucking journey of what you want to do. My beef is people who don't know what their journey is and they get involved with these fucking people and these people taking for all that fucking money. That I don't believe in. If anybody could take him for any money in LA,

it could have been me. I could have gone to all those open mics and told I could have quit comedy. I could have quit doing a fucking podcast and trust me, I could have got three of those fucking trust button kids and told them to pay me fucking three grand a week and guess what? They would have paid me because that's just how it is now that you have no idea what some people pay for the fucking dream. I can't charge you for a fucking dream. I paid $33 from my stand-up comedy class in 1991. $33. I think it was $31. There was a $2 fucking charge or something like that. I paid $33 to this day. I would do anything in the world for Jeff Harms. He's a comic. I think he lives in Florida. I wish him all luck in the world. He was as honest as could be for $33.

You know how much a comedy cost charges you in fucking LA? It would blow your fucking mind and then they promise you a set at the legendary comedy school store at the end or at the improv at the end or they promise you a set at Flappers at the end. They all promise you something at the end. That's not going to change your world. Yes, I appreciate you taking a class. I took two of them. I took a class in Colorado and then in 93, I took another one at New York Comedy Club and I got one. It was like an eight-week class. Again, it was cheap because I was broke and I was doing blow. So I wasn't going no, there was no $2,500 you're not going to get out of me. It was like maybe fucking 80 bucks and you

could pay 10 bucks a week when you went in. And I remember getting one thing out of that that till today I use. Comedy is my world that goes up against everybody else's world. That's all stand up comedy is. So even for that $80, I got some. But there's people in LA that'll charge you. They make you go through that program. Again, I'm not here to throw them under the bus. When you encounter them in either New York, Chicago, LA, you'll know what the fuck I'm talking about. But nobody should get in front of your fucking dream. I didn't let nobody get in front of mine. I don't give a fuck what you got to say. Listen, when you moved to LA, I had agents telling me not to be dirty, to draw family for them. You have to put your sitcom on the stage.

Fuck you. I'm doing dirty jokes. And for those people who run those acting institutions and those comedy places, yeah, you do help a lot of people. But at the other hand, you heard a lot of people also because instead of taking that money, like if I was taking your money, if you came to me and you said I'm the type of guy that also tell you that you have to change things around, or you're not going to fucking stand the chance. You know, with comedy, comedy, to become a good comedian, it's not hard. It is hard, but it's not hard. You got to keep to the fucking grind every day. And you got to fucking love it. And you got to have tough skin. That's it. That's the toughest part of this is people telling you suck for six years.

How does that feel? I'm thinking waking up every day and nobody even has to tell you you suck. Life tells you you suck when you go to a comedy room and then don't put you up. When you go to a comedy room and nobody talks to you after you fucking set, what about when life just tells you you fucking suck? So now that's fun. I can live with that. Life telling me I suck, I could accept that. But me paying a fucking comedy guy or some fucking improv school, it's a waste of my fucking time. I don't know if you've got anything from this conversation today. If you haven't, I did because I want to fucking just rectify what the fuck my statements were last week. I don't like when people get in front of other people's dreams, bro.

That's just not, it's not going to work for me. It's Monday morning. You got to fucking dream, you go for it. If somebody, like you ever tell your parents, like give it to like an uncle that you're thinking of becoming some and they giggle at you. I fucking got those people out of my life in the fucking very early beginning. Anybody who questioned me doing comedy, I got rid of. And that was why, like I mentioned Nevada Chubby, she's still there. It's still a great acting school. I know a lot of people who go there. I know a lot of people who work there. But even there, I don't want you to get stuck in that. I don't want you to get stuck in the fucking learning. I want you to get stuck in doing. If you're going to do anything, you got to do it.

I'm seeing all these things on Facebook now to learn how to do a podcast. Get a fucking mic, get a fucking phone, get two cans and just talk. Nobody could teach you how to do a podcast. You guys weren't shocked last week. Oh my God, Joey, we never, we never heard you talk about Howard Stern before in your life. What the fuck do you think I've been doing all my life? I didn't have the three hours to sit there every morning and listen to Howard Stern. But I did have the internet. And once those clips started popping up on the internet, especially with Artie Lang, if you don't think I watched those things, you're out of your mind. That's what you invest your time in. Watching the best. That was fucking radio history in my

world. When Artie Lang was on fucking Stern, that was radio history. Yes, I did watch those. I paid attention and I also paid attention. That was the beginning of podcasting because everybody else was just doing radio. Hey, this is a song from Johnny. Hey, this is Howard Stern would make you fucking say uncomfortable shit. That's what a podcast is supposed to be. A podcast isn't fucking radio. It's not the fake voice. Hey, and you keep re-plugging it. That's why I'll see you at Uncle Joey's joint with that. That's not fucking radio. That's radio. That's not a fucking podcast. A ton of people have contacted me. Yeah, I was in radio for 20 years. Really? Go fuck yourself. That's great. But you can't help me

because I'm doing a podcast. You dumb fuck. Howard Stern was the first one that did the cross over into the podcast because he got deep with you. He got personal with you already telling you he's been with hookers already telling you he went to Coppin Harlem the night before. That's his personal skin fucking get fucking Dave Clark. Who's the guy that hosted New Year's Eve with the fucking big entity and Dick Clark? He never fucking told you that he had a drug problem or none of these people told you nothing from the heart. They just told you you wanted to hear. It wasn't till fucking Howard Stern and a couple dudes like that that started opening up. That's where the podcast comes from. The podcast ain't radio. So when you radio people call me and say,

I've been doing radio for 20 years. I have an idea for you. Really? You got no idea for you. Why radio is dead? How many stations are left? 11? How many? So don't hit me with radio. Podcasting is completely different. If you see those fucking ads on Facebook, just fucking tell them go fuck yourself. How can you teach me how to do a podcast? You're not doing a podcast. How can you teach me how to do a podcast? Where's your fucking podcast? So how can you teach me? Do not sign up for those things. If you want to do a podcast, get a mic, you get it from Amazon, a fucking iPhone. I don't care how you do it. A fucking GoPro. There's a thousand things you could do and start talking. Start opening yourself up. Start telling people shit that nobody else has said people.

That only you could fuck them right. That only you could say. Only I fucking mugged the hooker and little wig on fire. Only I got into a fight with a fucking nun. That's what people want to hear about you. Not what you want them to fucking say. So all those fucking courses that they sell you and I see those prices on those podcast fucking things. They want like $1,100 all come to our conference to do what? To talk to 20 other people ain't doing nothing? 20 other people. When I do my podcast, when are you gonna fucking do your podcast? When are you gonna make the jump to the next fucking step? So before you get into a podcast school, a comedy school, an improv school or whatever fucking acting school, think about it. You're gonna go in there, take what's necessary

and move the fuck on. It's not going to be an eight-year fucking acting career. It's not going to be eight years of listening to Joey once a week. Oh and stand up. You can't, you have to open up with your second best joke and close your, I can't milk you for that long. It's maybe fucking four weeks. Listen, when you go on stage, don't focus on this. Don't look at their faces to, you know, just a lot of people have fear. I can help you overcome fear and little things like that. But I can't tell you what direction to take it because we all have a different journey. You have to fucking live that journey. I can't tell you what your journey's gonna be. If I could tell you what that journey's gonna be, do you think I'd be sitting here with a

fucking iPhone in my face? I'd be somewhere at a fucking shop window charging you $50 to tell you your fucking future. I know your future but I will tell you your journey's gonna be fucking hard if you get into comedy, acting, stand up and podcasting. That's why I love you guys. Always have advice on fucking podcasting. Where's your fucking podcast? He would be a good guest on your show. Where's your fucking show? Put them on your fucking show if you love them so much. I don't know that fucking dude. I've never heard before in my life but you like them. So fucking you put them on your show. So whatever the fuck is trying to sell you on anything, I don't mind you going in there to get the basics. You know, jujitsu. Listen,

I'm not arguing. I'm not talking about jujitsu schools. You gotta keep going with jujitsu school for 10 years before you get your black belt. You know, karate, you have to get your black belt. But comedy, whatever, all you need is the basics and a microphone. You know, an improv troupe, you can write the stuff yourself and let me tell you something. You're talking to somebody who went to Improv Olympic. I, later on, after the longest yard, I told you guys I had weird feelings about stand-up. So I thought I wanted the right sketches. So one day I went to Improv Olympic. Let me tell you this story correctly. What happened was, Improv Olympic had an open mic Friday night late and I stopped going to the store after the whole Rogan thing in 2007, 2008. So I was looking for

different places to perform. I lived on Schrader in Hollywood and two blocks over was the best weed store ever, Kushmore. And up the corner was Improv Olympic. So for me going to that weed store, I looked at their schedule and I saw they had an open mic. And I went down there on Friday night and there was agents and managers from everywhere. They wouldn't fucking talk to me, but I couldn't believe that all these agents and managers went to Improv Olympic on a Friday night. So I started going to all the open mics on Friday nights there. And I started doing great there and I started meeting people. And one day I took a schedule home and they had like intro to sketch, writing, you know. And I signed up. I did the eight-week class, the ten-week class. It wasn't

that expensive again. I didn't have that fucking money for that type of shit. And then I got into intro to writing sketches too. And then one day I went for a fucking job to write sketches. Like I wrote like three sketches for some fucking company or some shit. I went down there and the guy's like, this ain't bad. Did you write sketches before? I go, no, I just took a class. The guy goes, where? I go to Improv Olympic. He goes, what's the guy's name? I pull in the guy's name and the guy just reamed me out. He goes, that guy's a fucking bum. He gets fired from every job. Why the fuck is he teaching down there? And then I went home and I actually looked up the guy and the guy was a bum. He was an outkey and shit like that. So I said, fucking, I'm not going over there

no more. Why would I take it? And then I found out the guy was just a fucking jerk off and but he taught me something. I took one thing from him. So it was worth it for the fucking whatever was a buck in a quarter. I learned a few things from him, but I got the fuck out. So I don't want you to think that no, there's people you can learn things from. I just don't want you to get caught up in that world and let them tell you how to work your career. It's your fucking career. Figure it the fuck out. When I was going to acting class, there were people in that class. I don't ever think they watched a fucking movie. I don't think they watched a movie. They just wanted what came with the movie later with the success. But before I did, they were that bad. They were

that bad. And then I would go up there and they would go, how the fuck do you do? I'm a stand-up. I came from a different fucking world. You came right from college. You've never been on stage before and now you're pissed off. And I mean, these kids would say things. I feel so bad for them. They would go, you're not going to believe it. Next week in acting class, I'm doing the scene from Carlito's way. That was a big thing for them. Meanwhile, I'm doing fucking movies. I'm auditioning. I'm in there fucking every day. I felt horrible. So last week's fucking podcast, when I said that shit, that's where it stems from. I got no hatred. I got no beef. All I'm pissed off is that you got to do instead of fucking learn sometimes when it comes to stand

up. All that shit is the same. And that's it. And that's that. I don't know what else to tell you, motherfuckers. It's Monday. This fucking spray is starting to fucking shine. And I got shit to do. And I know you motherfuckers got shit to do. But I'm happy you subscribed. I'm happy you're watching Uncle Joey's joint. And I'm happy you're enjoying it. If you're not enjoying it, turn it off and watch something else. We all can't love the same fucking thing. If not, it wouldn't be fucking the world right or wrong. And with that, that's it. And that's that. This Wednesday, I'm going to try it again at Uncle Vinny's because I'm that type of motherfucker. And the Wednesday after that, I'm going to try it again, because I'm that type of motherfucker. And if I bomb, I bomb.

And that's it. That's what I am as a fucking comic. So I absorbed it. I got it. And I feel you. I love you guys. Thank you for tuning in to Uncle Joey's joint. And if you learned something today, learn. I'd rather you do than sit in a fucking classroom and take some fucking lessons from some fucking stiff. That's never even lived the fucking journey. Fuck that shit. Have your own journey. Log everything down. And you're going to be fine. I love you, cocksuckers. Thank you very much for watching now for a word from our sponsors. I had a great time to you with you cocksuckers today. And now it's that time when I drop some knowledge on you. Listen, Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by Blue Chew. Guys, remember the

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