Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #007 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... This episode is bought to you by DraftKings & Onnit!  Go to www.draftkings.com and enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.onnit.com and enter CODE: CHURCH And don't forget.... The Mind of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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and right now We're gonna start this little motherfucking podcast kick kick it motherfuckers What's happening Greetings to Uncle Joey's joint. It's a beautiful Monday, October the 25th. Who's fucking better than you? Nobody. Let's get to it. We got a lot to talk about today. I want to analyze something with you guys, just so you see what the fuck happens in life from time to time. I know most of you guys watched it. Justin Gagey, Khabib Nomenemigov, whatever his fucking name is, the fight, you know. It was a great line. If you took Gagey at 285, you weren't wrong. I mean,

I'm not mad at you. We got to talk about this. I know a lot of you maybe don't watch the UFC, but I want to go over the situation because it applies to life. Gagey just came off one of the biggest wins in UFC history. He pretty much took apart Tony Ferguson. If you don't know what Tony Ferguson is, he's a Mexican kid. The heart of a fucking tiger works out of 10th planet. Jiu Jitsu makes his own gyms, does his own training camps, cardio specialist. I mean, Justin Gagey went in there and made him look like a fucking child a few months ago, you know, maybe a year ago. Who the fuck knows? With this pandemic, my memory is fucking wugats, you know. Last night, he's supposed to fight Khabib, who hasn't fought a while. He beat Dustin Poirier,

fucking just unbelievable. Anybody he's gone through, except for maybe Ale, went to game a long fight. It was a last qualified, but that's not the point I'm getting to. You know, his last performance was sensational also, Khabib. So you're looking at this kid, he's 28 now. He lost his father. Nobody knew how he was going to react. And he went in there and just, you know, went through Gagey. Again, I have no ill will. I'm not bad mouthing Justin at all. Justin's a great fighter. Nine bonuses and seven fights. Young kid still has the world by the balls. Nothing, you know, he lost nothing by the loss last night. If anything, he learned something about himself, which is what I'm trying to get to here. It's really weird how when you look at things, okay,

when you look at things, when you're trying to come up in your life, you look at things and they appear bigger than what they are. You only can make them smaller to get yourself into context. Are you with me? Are you following me on this sometimes? It's a big picture. You know, your mind could, your mind controls everything in a situation like that. If you watched that fight last night, that wasn't even close to Justin Gagey that we've seen fight before. We've seen, like, maybe two punches. He threw like two or three good combinations, but that wasn't Justin Gagey we've seen before. At the end, the triangle, the way it went down. I mean, I'm not taking away nothing from Khabib. I just want you to understand what I'm talking about. That Justin went in there

and he made Khabib bigger than what he was. Sometimes in life, we do that, you know. If I were to listen to the people I went on the road with, when I was doing the treble runs early on in 95 and 96, I wouldn't be here because they were all very negative about LA. They were painting a picture for me of LA of a place that you could not get spots. You were not going to get up on stage. Nobody was going to talk to you. The comics were going to hate you. I mean, there was every negative in the world when I looked at moving to LA, which I wasn't really in it to move to LA. I got in it just to do calmly, just to try to be normal. I accepted my fate. I was a loser. I like doing drugs. I like cracking jokes. I like waking up in different hotels.

And that was it. I just didn't want to live the normal life. So I made a decision on my own. Nobody made it for me to go into this style of living. Did I enjoy it? Yes, I did while I was doing it. Could I continue it forever? No, I couldn't. But what would discuss me here is the picture. I was a young, not really, I was in young. I was 32, 33 years old. I was already too long in the tooth to be fucking featuring. But the people I was featuring for, those headliners, were all very bitter. And they were my age right now. They were 55, 50 to 55, 48 to 55. And I got to tell you something, man. I met one positive, two positive headliners in that time. When I was the broker, I got the honor to meet Doug Stanhope, who didn't

give a fuck. The Sabua fair attack of comedy is something that nobody ever saw before. And there was this other guy I met that was a kind of, he wasn't the best comedian in the world. He mixed magic with comedy and music, but he gave you a show. He was an entertainer. And I remember that I offered him my place to spend the night and we woke up the next morning, got coffee. And he showed me the ins and outs of comedy. And he kind of let me know that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. So it's how you see those things, how you approach those things. I'm going to tell you who had the same prom gauge he had, you know, going into that, you're looking at them. When I first shot my special years ago, you know, whatever socially unacceptable, we did two shows. The first show

I went out there and basically had a bag of dicks, because I let the special overtake me. Then I went back inside and looked at the special from a different perspective. And I went out there and did the best job I could do. The producers of that show today say that my material sucked, whatever. I don't really give a fuck. But I didn't feel that I performed up to my potential on those specials. The Netflix special, it was the same thing. I got there and I didn't feel like I performed up to my abilities. I'll tell you what, when I'm at the comedy store or any other club, you can't fucking stop me. I'm a fucking wild man in heat. But when I know that there's a camera in the back and I'm trying to tighten up, I'm trying to be John Mulaney, somebody

who I'm not, that's when it gets fucking crazy, you know. And sometimes we get those big situations that are never going to happen again and we blow them. And sometimes we rise to the occasion. When you pay 25 to 30 bucks to come see me on an outly basis, I rise to the fucking occasion, okay? I go fucking nuts. But when you're shooting a special, you get all this information thrown at you. And if you can't survive those, that's just a listen. I do voiceovers. I do movies. I do TV shows. I do animation. I did soap operas. There's not much Uncle Joey can't do. But I gave you two mediocre specials. On the one fucking album, this is me or the priest, it's a great album. Because I had no idea I was being taped. And I didn't give a fuck.

See, when I give a fuck, that's when I do my best work. And last night, Justin Gagey was giving a fuck. He shouldn't have gave a fuck. He should have gotten there more relaxed, like he did against Tony Ferguson. But that's hindsight is 2020. Okay, you're looking at that now this morning. And you have to imagine how Gagey feels two days later, that he didn't stick to his original game plan or whatever the fuck it was. Because I mean, Khabib took him down with 30 seconds left in the first round. And then he took him down with four minutes left in the second round. And you already knew what direction he was going. Once to be deflate your ego, you lost the fucking fight, you know, you're going to spend the rest of the time on your back.

Again, no, no, not disrespecting Justin Gagey. What could be but all I'm just looking at the situation. And you ask yourself what happened? How can I thought it was going to be a five round smack and tack with teeth flying, hairdos going, wigs going. I thought this is going to be a bon burner of fight, you know, and so did everybody else. I ended up going to my daughter's Halloween party and ended perfectly at 451. So I ended up going to my daughter's Halloween party at the karate school. So I didn't lose out on nothing. I had a great fucking time. But I'm just saying that when you look at those situations, don't look at Gagey and say, Oh, Gagey just gave up. No, he was overwhelmed. Sometimes in life, it's okay to be overwhelmed. It's okay, man. It happens.

You go to take that final and you know, you go in there and you have an overstudy. Have you ever overstudied? Do you remember overstudying? Like when you fucking do too much studying, and then you actually get to the test and fucking you went blank and you said, what the fuck is this? How could this happen? I've been studying for 18 fucking days in a row. Me and the Korean kid, we've been laying it down. I've been smelling this fucking kimchi for fucking 10 days. And I still got a fucking D. How the fuck does this happen? That's the worst when you actually prepare for something and you fucking get a D or something. And you're like, what the fuck happened? That's just a preparation for life, guys. That's a preparation for life. Those papers that they throw

out here and they just fuck you world up. You wanted to stay home with me, me last night and watch mom on fucking paramount and you got stone instead of fucking studying and you fight happens. It happens. It happens and you go in and they throw a complete left curve on you. That's what college is for. Okay, so next time you're in college and you're like, this professor sucks. I hate him. Maybe if Geiji and Joey Diaz had them, they would have done a better life because you find out what a surprise attack is. When I got into comedy, I'd never really been overwhelmed like that before. There's situations in comedy that overwhelm. Yeah, you get overwhelmed. You got a court in front of a judge. That type of shit overwhelms everybody going to prison. But Jesus

Christ bombing in Utah, you can't figure it out, especially when you've been writing for three days, all your best Utah jokes. I don't even know any jokes about Utah, but I'm just fucking saying that it's the same thing. Being prepared mentally is just as being prepared. Like, you could study all you want. You could put as much time into it. But if you're not prepared mentally for the fucking shock, they're going to give you. I love it. I love it. I love what happens to me. Like a couple weeks ago, I was bitching at you guys and I ate a bag of dicks. Trust me, I was a little upset on the upper thermos of my skins, but deep, deep down inside of my soul, I was kind of happy because it's good to get a setback from time to time. You got to take a little beating from

time to time to move forward. And it doesn't have to be physically. Nobody's going to touch you physically. You are your mental. You have to say, what the fuck is going on? It's like, what's going on with the pandemic? It made a lot of people rethink their fucking situation. A lot of people are, we're not going to that way. Some people try to listen to me. There's some people in New York trying to throw a 10,000 people wedding in New York. When I get invited to a wedding, 10,000 people going to go there. I just ripped up the invitation. I'm not going to go mingle with 10,000 people at your shitty fucking wedding just because you're going to release dubs until the fucking end. That's not what I want to do. But there's people that during COVID

right now, with the numbers going up, they want to have a wedding with 10,000 fucking people. What do you want me to do? What would you do? And they don't want you to wear a mask. What would you do? You know, I mean, people are fucking crazy right now. There's no way to look at it. But I even lost my mind and nobody could prepare for this pandemic. Nobody prepared for this. But once you saw what it was, you accepted it, you made your points on how you were going to act and how you weren't going to act through it. Like this is not going to scare me. I'm still going to go fucking jump into a room. I'm going to go into a back room of a Chinese restaurant and make sure they're all from Ho-nan and fucking get their zip codes. If that's what you want to do,

go do it. You have to look at this however you want to do it. I prepare myself in COVID-19 situations and in situations that you're wide outside, you're wide open, you're social distance, you wash your hands, and you don't scratch your dick. So you don't want your dick to get COVID. The little fucking pee hole gets all shrunk up and looks like a fucked up eye. Looks like my eyes. If you've noticed, my eyes aren't matching no more. One's going downwards, one going upwards. It's like you got a car axle in your car and the fucking headlight looks down from now on and you can't fix it. It happens. This is what's going on during time. You get old, you know what I'm saying? But yeah, sometimes life situations get a little too big for you.

They're too hard to comprehend. It doesn't mean you're weak. It doesn't mean you need a psychiatrist. It doesn't mean you need to join Scientology. It doesn't mean you need to join Nexum and get fucked by some cult leader. You don't need anything. You just need to step back, analyze the situation. Sometimes a joint help helps, but sometimes you just got to have a long talk with yourself and say to yourself, what the fuck happened? I guarantee Gage is going to come back stronger than ever. He's a young kid. He's going to come back stronger than ever. The question is, you know, how did Khabib just go in there and do that like that with a fucking vertical triangle on the second round? You know, I mean, it's just little things. And again, congratulations to Khabib.

I want to congratulate how he walked off into the sunlight as a champion. He walked out of that. He didn't crawl out of that on his fucking knees. This guy's that should have disappeared years ago. Khabib went out the right way. Nobody needs to tell you when to fucking leave. You need to do it on your own. You know, he had a great relationship with his father. He has a great relationship with Harvey Mendez, you know, and he did the right thing. I mean, let's face it, he cleaned out the whole fucking division. You're going to see all the tough guys raising their hands now. Look at us. We're ready to go. Bring them back. Khabib don't need to prove himself to nobody. He did everything he already had to do in a fashion that was fucking tremendous.

So congratulations to him. Congratulations to Justin. This doesn't mean anything. You will be the world champion one day. And this is how you learn from different fucking things, you know, what makes you tick. You have to figure out what makes you tick. You know, I went to my daughter's kickboxing class yesterday at 10 in the morning. Why? Because that's what parents do. Uh, usually I'd be waking up in a hotel, uh, going downstairs to get the free fucking breakfast and going back to my room. But thank God for COVID, I've been able to take a breather from that. I've been able to enjoy life. You guys want more stories? I gotta go get them. I gotta go get them before I can go on the standup tour. I gotta go live through this pandemic life. So we have

something to talk about. So I went to my daughter's kickboxing class yesterday morning. I'm sitting there and I'm thinking to myself, this is my daughter even late doing this shit. You know, a couple of weeks ago we went to Jimmy Florentine's son's game and there was a bunch of girls playing and I asked, I go, you want me to sign you up in the league? Again, I'm not Pistol Pete's father. I'm not a communist dad. I don't want you to do nothing you don't want to do. I just want you to do what makes you happy as a child. This is what they did with me. And this is why I ended up the way I did. I'm doing it with mercy under a little bit more control and a controlling man. I'm like, Hey, listen, if you don't want to do it, that's fine. But you got to figure out

something not to do. And that's what my mother did with me. And that's how I got into martial arts. And so what? And so, you know, whatever. But after the class, you know, we have a deal in the house if she does the martial arts class on that day, she could play with a switch whatever the fuck that is. It's like some she gets Minecraft on there, but she doesn't go into the evil part of Minecraft. Because she has nightmares. She keeps it all sunny and shit like that. I guess I don't even know what Minecraft is, guys. I watched her play the game to make sure there's no fucking people on there jerking off at each other with their dicks on their head. I don't need that shit on my daughter's computer. When she's at school with the zoom, which no more it's four

days a week now, only zoom on one day, take your zoom malukia and shove it up your fucking muffler. I don't like your fucking zoom. Anyway, I'm doing a zoom tomorrow with my man Yanis Pappas and the fucking hyenas and shit. So I'm excited to be with those motherfuckers. But I was looking at mercy and I was saying to myself, you know, we have this deal where if she, you know, does this, she gets a stick and no, she's not in the door 10 minutes and she's like that. Where's the stick? And my daughter, my wife gives her the stick. And then we have mitts in the back and my wife takes her out there one day a week just to do the mitts and stuff. And if she does the mitts, then she gets the fucking stick, you know. But

I've sat with her, you know, a couple of times and said, look, I don't want you to do this because you're making me happy. I'm happy just having you just you being a nice sweet little girl. But whatever you don't want to do, just tell me and we'll fucking get our money back and we'll move on to something else. I know that, you know, that's why people like, well, you should get a swing in the backyard for what? They jump on the swing for two days and the swing sits there like a fucking antique and I'm the one down a G note for a swing in a house that gets filled with the fighters and then she's got a swing at the fucking park and every kid's house she goes to the neighborhood has a swing. Why don't you get a pool in the backyard again? I'm going to get in the bubble

round pool like a fucking Puerto Rican on the third, you know, you're swimming in two or three times and then they go to the municipal pool, which is fucking everybody joins in the summer and your pool sits there like a fucking spirit. So, you know, I'm going to build a clubhouse in the back. I got my man, Dominic Lombardozzi, who played fat Tony Salerno, one of the best young actors out there, great man always active on Twitter, supports fucking comedians. He built the fucking fort during the pandemic. I guess he had a company to come in and built the fort. It's fucking beautiful. If you've talked to Dominic Lombardozzi on Twitter, hit him up, say put a picture up for the fort and that's what I'm going to do because nobody on the fucking block

got a fort for their fucking kid. I might as well put a fort up there and I could hide a couple things myself in there in the winter, you know what I'm saying? Like I was back in prison, remember I used to hide everything in the fucking shed. You got to listen to the stories, God suckers. Anyway, but it was really weird because I was looking at my daughter and I do not want her to feel like she has to go to college because of us. I don't want her to have those feelings. I want her to do what she does and thank God, she's a natural student. Thank God, she loves school. She runs to that bus guys, knock on wood. I mean, I got it all covered there. Thank God she gets out from her mother's side and from my side. I enjoyed school. To me it was a

fucking social activity so I didn't mind going to school. But at the end of that pattern, that night I must have thought about it a little more, I must have written about it. I thought about my life and I thought about all the things I've done and everything I've done in a way has been for people. And if you think I gave a fuck about my life growing up, I didn't. As far as I was concerned by the age of 25 or 26, once I got into prison, I was pretty much damaged goods. I really thought that about myself. I tried everything. But again, you can't put a silk hat on a pig. I tried making my confirmation. I tried going to Naropa Institute and learning Buddhism. I tried bettering myself from all these things. But that wasn't the answer I was looking

for. I was looking for a better answer. You know what, man? As much as you people may think, as much as we laugh about and everything, yes, I was a criminal. But when I got locked up and I came out, that was one thing on my fucking... Some people have a bucket list. I have a bucket list. I want to jump off a cliff with 10 dicks as parachute. That's great. I ain't got a bucket list. I got a list of what I want to do and what I want to fucking conquer. And that's what I need to do. So the first thing on that list became not going back to prison. That was predisposed right from the fucking start. I was not going back to prison. There was nothing I could do if I went back to prison. So what I did to fucking combat that was I still did little crimes,

misdemeanors type crimes, crimes I could talk myself out of, times that I would end up with probation. I would do crimes that would not really affect the status quo of things. I wasn't using weapons anymore. You weren't going to catch me fucking selling a drug, even though I did sell drugs from time to time, but it wasn't like some guy was calling me saying, can you get two ounces for a friend? That's how they get... You don't know nothing. If it's somebody I know and he's my goomba, I was pushing drugs that way. But I tried to... Every day when I got into prison, I tried to take that bad taste out of my mouth. I'm not going to lie to you. It's a bad taste. We goof around it and we make fun of it, but it's a known fact that in 1988 I got

sentenced and that's just the way life is. I made a mistake and I corrected myself. I tried to take something that didn't belong to me and that's cool, whatever. I did my time. I knew one thing. I didn't want to be like those people. I wasn't going to end up no 50 year old tattooed fat dude with fucking tattoos of every prison I went to. That wasn't going to happen. There was a lot more to life than going to prison, my friend. So fucking a river durchy. That's not happening. When I was trying to get my life together, I used people. I used the people around me as my inspiration. Here I was, an ex-con. I'm selling fucking cars. I have a little thought about stand-up comedy and this guy at the Subaru store,

Jim Andy, who I'll never forget says to me, this is something you got to pursue. He had two boys of his own. He had no reason to give a fuck about me. But for some reason he did. At that time I didn't want anybody to give a fuck about me. But people did. People saw something in me that maybe I didn't see. So he kept bugging me about getting into stand-up comedy. And in a way, I just went down to do it because he would always talk about goals and what you had to do to beat your goals and stuff like that. I just did comedy as a fucking whim to please him and to lie to myself. When I first got into comedy, I thought it was lying to myself. You know, like an Amway salesman, they become an Amway salesman. They're like,

oh my god, I'm going to make a million dollars. But in the back of their mind, who the fuck are you going to sell all that toilet paper to? You know what I'm saying? You ain't selling all that toilet paper and all that soap. So knock it off and you're going to find pyramids. That's how I thought comedy was. But I was wrong. Comedy was a real thing and it was a thing of fucking beauty. And I loved it. I loved doing what I had to do. But then I started looking at comedy from a different perspective. I started looking at comedy as like, well, I'm going to use it like Lenny Bruce. I'm going to use it as a vehicle to get high, to talk shit, party, because nothing's ever really going to happen. I mean, one of my chances of getting

an evening at the improv, one of my chances of getting an HBO, one of my chances of any of those things. I don't know any of those people. So I'm never going to get those opportunities. So I was already prepared to live the life of Lenny fucking Bruce and just travel, get in the car with two comics, make whatever they want to pay. They want to pay you 150, take 150, you make it work. But at least you're doing what you want. I wasn't doing what people told me to do. I wasn't doing what my mother wanted me to do. I was doing what was making me fucking happy. And that's a big difference. Happy is how many of you motherfuckers are lawyers, doctors, dentists, IT people, because you wanted to please your parents. Think about that. And I

am not mad at you because where I'm going with this is going to, you know, I'm not mad at you. But at the same time, I want you to please yourself. I want you to go Jesus Christ. I got to sit here for eight hours and then the information or whatever I'm doing on the computer is just what brings me fucking happiness. Do I look forward into going into fucking work? Well, if that's not your answer, maybe you're doing the wrong thing, but that's a complete different other fucking story. You know, when I did comedy, I didn't do comedy to be fucking richer prior. I did comedy just to keep the ship moving, just to keep lying to myself like I've always have. I've been lying to myself for years. Oh yeah, whatever. Tomorrow come this week, I'll make 300 and pay the pager

bill, whatever the fuck, whatever the fuck you were going for, then something happened. It became real. Like it became something that I may have a fucking chance at this. And then I got a little offer from fucking, you know, CBS to do a pilot. And now I am in LA. Hmm. This is fucking weird. I'm a compact. I'm a felon. This shit is supposed to fucking happen. And then little by little, I got a Taco Bell commercial and then I got led into the fucking comedy store. I hope you enjoyed the fucking comedy documentary this week. It was fucking good. The comedy store is going to get better last week is last next week is the last week. So if you don't have showtime, get it right now. Then I got into the comedy store and then I started, you know, making a little way. So maybe

this was my calling. And then I remember coming home like in 98 or something, 99 and doing like rascals and having like 40 of my friends come out. That were my friends when I was robbing people. They weren't my friends for comedy. They were my friends way before the comedy thing even happened. We were drug friends or we bought drugs together. We did some of them. Some of them didn't do drugs. They were just believed in me a certain way. And I'm never being rascals on stage and seeing that audience and seeing those people and going now I'm fucked. Now I have to keep pushing with this because if not, these 18 people are going to ask me what the fuck happened to my comedy career. Like why did you quit? Like, you know, comedy was something

that I was going to quit whenever I got arrested. You know, like I knew eventually I'd get arrested fucking drugs in the hotel room or something like that. But that wasn't happening. I was blossoming. So I started working a little harder and you know, I still wasn't getting nowhere but I was at the store. And then something happened to me that really, you know, when people look at your events in your life, somebody said to me on Patreon the other day, I'm not looking to get laid. I'm looking for somebody to get old with. In my world, I wasn't looking to get old with anybody. My idol is fucking Charles Bronson. In all of Charles Bronson movies, he just drips off into the sunset after he kills everybody. That was all I wanted to do. After they were all dead,

he just walks down the road a fucking path and he goes back to his shitty apartment on 1313 Mockingbird Lane. I don't fucking know where the fuck the guy lives. I'm just saying to you, that was and that was my motto in life. But then boom, I met a girl and then she was born a girl. You know, she didn't give a fuck that I was broke. She didn't give a fuck about my addictions. You know, she gave a fuck that I had paid my taxes in seven years. She gave a fuck that how can you live your life without a driver's license? You don't have a driver's license? What the fuck is wrong with you? She's like, when you pay child support, you don't keep the fucking receipts. Like she just changed my life. You know, so I had to start adjusting to this girl and

that was everything I didn't want. Once you get married and you get divorced and you get taken divorce, you look at marriage like fuck you. I'll date you for 22 years, but I'm not going to marry nobody again. I started looking at her going, what am I going to do about this fucking girl? What the fuck am I going to do about it? But guess what? Again, I get hit up on this. I got you don't meet the guys. I answer emails. I read your emails. I probably got six parents, maybe 10 people I'm actually be talking to that their kids have opiate problems and drug problems. And I don't know what to say to them. I really don't think they hit me up and my kid, what did you do? You know, and after thinking about it,

again, you don't do anything for anybody. You do things because you want to do them. But when it came to quitting coke and quitting drugs, I didn't want to do it. I hadn't had drugs. Quitting drugs was not in my plan. A, I wouldn't be funny anymore. That's what my psyche thought. And B, I just didn't find a reason to stop doing drugs. But then a little by little, like in 2002, after I was a terry for two years, I actually went to like LA city run rehab. I had to go into like a fucking alias name, you know, they didn't ask for ID. And I went there maybe for four days. And I didn't last, I just ran the fuck out of there. And I was like, that's it. I'm defeated. And I watched a movie

Ray, you know, and I saw how he got hired, though he was in his fucking 60s. And that didn't seem cool to me. That just didn't seem cool to me. It didn't seem like it was an option for me to tackle. I didn't want to fucking be high. I was 66. That's what I want to have $18,000 in my bank account every day. And then, you know, every day I live for $60, 20 for a bag of fucking weed, and 40 for a bag of coke, and maybe another 10 for Chinese food. That was all I was getting out of life. That was all I wanted. People around me were blossoming with comedy. Yeah, I was booking movies. I was booking taxi. I was booking Spider-Man 2. I was booking longest yard. I was booking TV shows. But I wasn't even living up to my fucking full potential.

Not even living. Can you imagine walking into a room and booking the longest yard, and you're really running on 30% batteries? Are you kidding me? You know what happened? If I would have been running on 100%, I would have fucking destroyed that fucking movie. Thank God I was on 30% fucking batteries. I didn't know who or what the fuck I was. All I cared about was where the next line was coming from. And to my defense on that movie, the first six weeks of that movie, I didn't start coping. We were in New Mexico. I think I fell off the wagon one night. But besides that, I wasn't coca-dicted. Like, listen, doing coke and having it in your bloodstream for three or four fucking days in a row affects your fucking mind and affects your

decisions and what you're going to do. From the middle of all this shit, one day, I woke up at 4.45. I woke up at like 3.30 because I had to be at Torrance at 4.45. And I saw that my wife had laid out my football uniform for me. Like, she had actually got up when I was in the shower and laid it out for me and put it in a bag. And I'm like, this is more than a girlfriend. And this is more than a friend that I have here. I have to figure something out here. Some people have girlfriends. Some people have friends. I had the opportunity to have it combined. She had become my best friend and she had become somebody who I was in love with. And I knew that Jesus Christ, like, you could go to 12 rehabs. You could talk to wisdom counselors. You could have exorcisms done to you. When you

don't want to stop doing drugs, you're not going to stop doing drugs. You have to stop really, really, really, really, really in your heart to stop doing that shit. Look, and if I look at what I've done, listen, when on February 19 1997, I decided after 10 fucking years of karate, I wasn't going again and I never went back. And that was the end of that. You know, I've done things in my life that have been so fucking positive yet they've become so negative. But at the end of it, when you look at it, it's positive because I broke clean from it. You know, I was telling Mike, you know, I used to do Joey Karate videos. We were doing one a week. Then we got greedy. We were doing two a week.

Then it became the law diminishing returns. We started doing three a week and the numbers went down. And I knew right away to pull the plug. The guy I was doing them with was still a dear friend of mine was like, nah, it's okay to have a few bad weeks. No, it's not. It's time to pull the plug on Joey Karate. And I never did Joey Karate again. I would do things in my life that when I said we're not going to happen again, they never happened again. That's it. From the other day, I had some Friday night, I wanted the dinner. We went to a pizza joint, me, Mercy, my wife, Lisa and a boyfriend, Eddie. And I grew up with Eddie. And we were talking about clubs that people used to go to. And there was this club in Fairview called Contestants in

Richfield Park or something. Never wanted it. My pride till this day is that I never walked in it. I didn't give a fuck who was going down there. I didn't give a fuck what drugs they had. I had to make it a point not to go down there to fuck with people. Because when I tell you that I'm sticking to something, I'm sticking to something. When I tell you I'm going to do something, I'm going to do something. So I came back one day when I woke up one morning from being all fucked up. I looked at Terry and I was like, you know what, man? I don't know much about life. But I know that this chick, if I keep up at this point, my cocaine use was I was doing probably I was averaging a gram a night, but usually throwing down to I would do the early gram

and then the 2am gram. And that was towards the end. And that was if I was home. If I was on the road, it was all men for himself, every man for myself. I was tipping the scales at 400. And I knew it was just a matter of time. So I had to pick something or somebody to fucking dedicate my life to because I didn't I wasn't doing it for me. That's a scary thing that you're never doing it for you. Pick somebody, pick a mother, a father, a sister, a brother. Somebody was had your back constantly and you fucked them. You spit in their face by using. And for me, it was Terry. For me, I took the person closest to me. And there was also a little bit of Rogan in there. It was Rogan. It was a lot of Terry, a little bit of Rogan, a little bit of all

my friends because where this was going, I had to have my friends involved on this. But the first thing I picked was Terry. I go, I don't want Terry picking me up off the fucking floor. The last thing I want is that poor girl to wake up. She goes to piss, she brushes her teeth and then she's going to make coffee to feed the cats. She sees my fat legs laying on the fucking kitchen floor. That's not going to work. That's not going to fucking help. That's not going to help her. You know what? There's people like me. I'm cut out to find you on the floor. I'll hold you. I'll kiss you. I'll dial 911 and I can move the fuck on. But there's some people who really can't find you on the floor and she would have been one of them. She would have been 30-something years old

finding a man on the floor that was 44, 45. And that would have affected her future relationships. That would have affected her life because she's not from that cut. So I knew this was going to end when the cat got sick. This story is on Wikipedia that a cat ate my coke. Who writes these things? Where do you get your information from? Bro, I used to hide the coke so much I had a hard time finding it. If I couldn't find my coke, how the fuck were the cats going to find it? I was doing coke one night and my wife called me to tell me that she had to bring two cats upstairs that they were at that's door. And I came up and I went in the bathroom and actually one of them I really liked on the outside. But the one of them I wasn't too crazy about. His name was Superbad.

And I looked at them both and I did my line of coke in the house which was a rule that I would adhere to. No coke in the house. For some reason that night I didn't want to go back downstairs. The cats did that. Something maybe do coke in the bathroom with those two cats in that. And the next morning one of the cats died and I feel terrible. So the cat I didn't like lived and I'm taking him in. I swore that I wouldn't do coke out of respect for that cat. And here we are about to go into 13 motherfucking years of no coke. I'll be like, but Joey you do edibles and then whatever you do Xanax and Collin. Listen, I do Collin upon big fucking difference. And I'll take you upstairs. They're all left. I got to go back to the doctor November 4th.

The doctor even told me because I can't believe you have some left. I go, you know what? After a while I had to kick them in New Jersey. I had to go straight. Once I started doing the podcast and getting back into my flow of things. Everything went away. All the anxiety went away. The little anxiety I have dragging in me. I just work it things out. I just do a workout now. If I feel anxiety coming in on me on the morning, I skip everything. I got on a bicycle and I do my little 30 minute fucking joint around the neighborhood. I see fucking flying squirrels. I see raccoons. I see everything I get. But that's what you do. Yeah, I don't sit still. I hit my book and the whole thing. So part of my quitting cocaine was not going to an AA meeting.

It was not going to a psychiatrist. It was not going to a voodoo doctor. It was nothing above. It was no magic drink. There was no magic. Nothing. What happened was I put myself out there for somebody A and two, I found the root of the cause and I moved on from it. For me, it was four different pains combined into one. My dad's loss. My mother's loss. Me losing my daughter in the fucking divorce and just me being all around the fucking loser. I had these four pains. Once I got through them and processed them, there was nothing I could do about my daughter. I couldn't bring my wife back. My dad, I'm not Houdini and I can't do over the things that I did. I couldn't do that. They're done already and they're going to be done. But what I could do

is be better than what I was yesterday. And that's when my friends came in. I took lubes. I took divo. I took the doctor. I took gear. I took all the friends, the people who fucking all those years put up with the brunt of bullshit from people. And this included Rogan also. I took all those people and I did one thing. I went out of my way to make them proud of me from my friend George to grandma. I never wanted them to hear a negative fucking thing about me again. Whatever negative thoughts they had about me 20 years ago, 30 years ago was left 30 fucking years ago. Today, I'm a different fucking dude. And today I've gained their respect and their love because I turned myself around not to be on the cover of some magazine,

not I turned myself around for them to prove to them that their love towards me and what they did for me was not in vain. It was not going to go unnoticed. When I got the longest shot, I brought them to the premiere, including my teachers. When I got grudge match, I brought them to the premiere. I don't know how many people I'm going to be allowed to bring to the soprano premiere, but I'm going to try my best to anybody I let down like my friends that I bring them. It's a movie, but guess what? It's not a bad movie. It's better than you bailing me out of fucking jail. It's better than you fucking getting attacked by somebody. Where's Coco, he fucking robbed my house. Those days are long gone. They were long gone 20 fucking years ago.

So if you're looking for that person, you got the wrong person. We change every seven years. And this fucking pandemic has changed us in eight months. It's changed the way that we've thought and some of us have gotten stronger. Some of us have gotten weaker, but the pandemic is here. We're going to have to live through it and we make the best that we can. Take your vitamin D, take your fucking zinc, avoid all fucking stupid situations and try your best to stay healthy. Get your sleep, drink your water, gargle with listerine. If you eat some bad ass, gargle with listerine. If you suck a bad dick, gargle with listerine. You don't want to go and gargle, 30 seconds. It's got to hit your throat to take all those germs out of that. And that's it. But

don't ever not say you're not doing anything for anybody because at the end we're doing it for somebody. If it's addiction, pick somebody in your family. Somebody was giving you $10 when they knew they shouldn't have given you $10 when they enabled you maybe. Pick them and go just for you enabling me. I'm going to prove to you that I'm better than fucking what you thought I was. And this all turned around for me. So at the end of the beginning, when I thought that my daughter's wrong for doing this shit for me, then I thought back about how I lived my life. And if I'm lying to you, whatever, I got clean for my friends so they could be proud of me. Not so I could be a successful comedian or whatever. I just wanted them to be proud of me.

Fuck man, 13 fucking years. You know, next Monday when we're doing this podcast, no, two weeks from now, it'll be 13 fucking years that I got away from that curse. Ask me, do I have an urge? Not at all. Do I want to go back to that life? Not at all. I enjoy not having $18 in my bank account. I don't have much more dollars than that in my bank account now. But having 18 is everything is a fucking nightmare over a fucking addiction. I beat this fucking addiction. You dabble in weed and you eat some edibles from time to time. Throw me under the jail. Go fuck yourself. Meanwhile, you're drinking, drinking and driving. So don't fucking judge nobody. I'm just trying to keep it as low and fucking damage free as I can.

But if you're having a hard time in your life, if you're having a hard time in this pandemic, yes, I want you to do it for you. I want you to try to move ahead for you. I want you to get classes for you. I want you to do all these things for you. But if you're like me and you have no self-value towards yourself, like, you know, I don't give a fuck, then do it for somebody. Look around. Who can you make proud? Whose day can you make? Who can you look at and then go, Jesus Christ, man. I can't believe you fucking did that. That's not about the money or anything like that. It's about doing something that other people are like, man, I'm proud that that guy's my fucking friend. I've seen him eat dog shit for years. And now look what he's doing. People are

proud of you. People pick you up through your fucking backs. Remember, listen, man, I can't pick you up. You got to pick yourself up. I could put out a hand. You follow me saying, and we grasp hands, but I can't pick you up all the way. You got to pick up that last leg and push yourself up. That's it for the week. It's Monday, the week of October 25th. We did it. We're still here. Trick or treat. Boo. Before the podcast is over, I want to cover one thing, and I want to cover this as simple and as non-aggressive or threatening. Listen, this podcast from here on in and even towards the end of the church, when I bust on these balls or whatever, I never wanted, I'm not either one's fire hate. I'm not

hate or inspire problems. I don't want any problems. I want my life drama frame a 57-year-old gentleman with a daughter is just trying to raise a daughter. Yes, I'm at fault. I smoke my reefer. Oh, he's a bad person, but I'm a fan. I'm a fan of a lot of things. I'm a big fan of Charles Bronson's. I'm a big fan to Julia Serving. I'm just a fan of things. I'm a big fan of Richard Pryor. There's things I'll do, and there's things I won't do. I went to 10 Julia Serving games, and I was a kid when he played for the Sixers, and I would go and yell, Julia, I bet you're heavy, and I would break his balls and whatever, but that was it. That was it. That's what you guys do when you come to the show. Joey, tell us about fucking whatever his name is, the De Lorenzo kid,

Moondust, whatever the fuck I used to call him. I don't mind that shit. That's just the way it is, but we have a problem today. We have a big problem. I want this addressed, and I want this just taken care of so everybody knows the story and what happened. I love Charles Bronson. I love him to death. I love all his movies from fucking the Magnificent Seven to the evil that men do, to death wish, to death hunt. There's not anything, you know, the one with the watermelons. I love Charles Bronson. If it was up to me, I would love to see for the world to see the real Charles Bronson in just little clips of his movies. I could do that, but I had a problem. It's called copyright. It's called permission. It's called a ton of things.

I'd have to contact a bunch of people to do it. And you know what? At the end of the week, who the fuck am I? Just go get your own Charles Bronson experience. Just go watch a movie. You watch a movie each week. Last night I talked to my man Rick Ramos. He was watching Stone Cold, whatever the fuck it is. He made a movie Stone Something, whatever. Anyway, I spoke briefly this morning. The point being is a couple of months ago, a couple of years ago, we started a YouTube page and it's called The Church Page. And we were doing business with somebody else. And mysteriously, a page started showing up, Joey Diaz Clips, and they're fucking showing you stuff. They're taking your stuff and they're showing it.

You know why we stopped playing music on the podcast? I love introducing the music to you guys on the podcast. Something to set the tone for the fucking podcast. You know what I'm saying? It's like going to stab somebody before Richard Mears is killing people. He was listening to ACDC, right? We all want to stab somebody to a soundtrack. Yes or no. I do the same thing for the day. Before you get up in the morning, you want to fucking put it, but on YouTube, they don't allow you to play music. And that's just the way it is. So we had to stop fucking playing music. And you guys got mad, Joey, no music. I want to be around. Listen, listen to it on your own. We can't do it on there because you get flagged and you get so many flags, then you get thrown off YouTube and

then you don't have a platform. So if you're going to take my stuff and put it up on YouTube and contradict what I'm doing, that's a fucking problem. That's a big problem. Now, I appreciate you as a family, as a church family member and a joint family member for you to put up a video from time to time or whatever, but when it contradicts what we're doing, there's a problem. This week, we had to take down some of these fucking page that we warned them about not putting the albums up. We weren't being bad people. We just even gave them a friendly warning. Listen, man, you got to take those down. And at first he listened and took them down. Then he decided to put them back up to break our balls. And my management, now Michael Klein, Michael Klein doesn't know anybody. It's

fucking YouTube. Okay. It's like you can just pick up the YouTube. My management, no name dropping here. They have a fantastic relationship with YouTube. And there's a reason why, which you don't need to know. And I don't need to tell you, I'm just telling you, if you put something up and you don't get permission from us, it's going to get taken down. It's not that we're being bad people. It is that we're being good people for too fucking long. And then people took advantage. That's what it was. Not that I'm a bad guy. I answer your emails. I give you content. I'm as sweet as I can to you people as much as I can be. There's people who don't even return your fucking emails. And you guys know who those people are. So don't come coming to me with your fucking bullshit.

I'm as sweet as can fucking be. I'm sweet as cherry pie. I'll give you the shirt off my back. But when you contradict me, we have a fucking problem. You want to make a fucking, you know, it's for you people who contact me up. Hey, Joey, if you'd like, we'd come over and help you with the sound. Do you think that maybe I like this sound? I want it to be raw. This was the point of this fucking podcast to bring it back to being a podcast. Not for you guys to see. You can sit there every day and go, we don't like your studio. Who the fuck are you not to like your studio? If you don't like your studio and the sound of the podcast or the way the camera's shot, go do it yourself better. But don't sit there and try to offer me help. I don't want no fucking

help from you people at all. At all. I just want you to listen to the podcast, giggle, get something from it and enjoy. Don't worry about Uncle Joey's cat on the fucking Sunday. How the cat's doing? Who gives a fuck? It's Saturday. Go get some of your dicks up. That's what you need to go get. You get the weirdest things from people like, listen, the management I'm with, they cover you everything. Graphic designers, they come with the whole thing. So we're good people. I love you to death. I understand. And I also understand how it happens. Some people show up offering you something, but they really want something at the end. You file on the same to you. Before we even take something, we don't want to know what that is.

So we just say no, because nobody comes at you with an open heart. No more. Amen. I really want to help you fix that flat. No, I want you to help you fix your flat. But there's a, by the way, I need for you to come to the fucking thing. And I don't want to know, by the ways, I'm too old for a fucking, by the way, if you got your feelings hurt by that, I was taking your bates down. I'm very sorry. We asked you very nicely and we were gentlemen to you. My management did it. My client had nothing to do with it. Number two, how bored are you? How bored are you? How bored are you that you got to go and take clips and put pages up and whatever? I appreciate it. I love that you love me and Lord knows I love you. You found clips I

never saw before. But can you imagine you actually went and called producers from movies that I was on and TV shows? You didn't have that right. And you did all this without even sending me a fucking email and asking me, Joey, this is what I want to do. You want to do something with Joey on it? Just send me a fucking email. Go to Twitter. You know I'm always a Twitter. There's a confusion. There's Twitter. There's Facebook. There's Patreon. There's fucking Gmail. You never sent me none. You never sent me a form to ask me permission for me to sign off on. Listen, if you make them a couple dollars, I'm not mad at you about the dollars. It's the contradiction. Okay, so for you people, do not get it wrong. I'm a sweetheart of a guy. Believe it or not,

whether you want to believe it or not, I don't give a fuck. We're here. We're queer. We're just looking to have a good time. We're trying to keep it fucking positive. I'm not here busting your balls about voting or communism or whatever. All we're trying to do is tell your story, compare it to what's going on today, and just keep this line of communication open, because I think this is very important. The month without me doing the podcast broke my heart, and I'm sure it broke a lot of yours. We have each other. We fucking count on each other. And that's what this podcast is all about. I count on you guys. You count on me and together forget about it. It's like two fags on Halloween. It's going down. You know what I'm

saying? My heart goes out to the gay community in Hollywood next week. I don't give a fuck. The kids fuck you. You don't need no fucking diabetes, but fags, they need their diabetes. My heart goes out to them in West Hollywood, the whole LGBT community who is not going to get to experience fucking Halloween next Saturday night. But if I know anything about you bad motherfuckers, you're going to invade fucking down there with COVID juice and fucking sling some dick down Santa Monica Boulevard. They can't stop your Halloween. They can't stop your Halloween gay parade. They can't fucking rain on your fucking parade, Hollywood. So my gay brothers and sisters in Hollywood, Eric Rocha leading the pack, don't let them take fucking Hollywood from you.

Like Ozzy said, don't take rock and roll. You're not taking fucking Halloween from the fucking gay people in Hollywood. I love you guys. I hope you have a great fucking week. Stay black. Listen, just get permission. Okay, that's it. Just send the form and go, this is what my intentions are. You're going to make a couple of dollars a month. I don't give a fuck about the money you make. It's when you contradict what we're doing, brother. Okay, that's it. That's that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I want you to have a fucking great week. Don't worry about the election. Don't worry about the COVID. Just worry about how you're going to make it through the fucking day today. People call me up. Hey, what are you doing next Sunday? No, I'm going to stab

your mother. I have no idea. I'm here today. Today I'm here. I'm focused. We're going to eat good. We're going to sleep good. We're going to write our journal. We're going to get a little healthy. We're going to try every day. And that's all we can do, motherfuckers. I love you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching Uncle Joey's joint fucking October 25th, Monday. This is going to be the best fucking week of your life. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. Stay black, motherfuckers. Here we go. I want to thank our sponsors for always having our back. Number one on it. Listen, Alpha Brain is the one that got it started. Alpha Brain works through new tropics. If you do not like Alpha Brain, you start a cycle. If you feel unfocused, you can't get your thoughts

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I used the Shroom Tech Sport. The Shroom Tech Immune, I don't have to tell you what's going on right now. I mean, you could do whatever you want on your own, but it helps. Honor is a great company that's been with me since day one, and that's why I want to pass on what they have to offer to you. So go to honor.com right now and press in church and get 10% off your first order. The joint is also brought to you by DraftKings. If you want to have a party, you got to have fucking DraftKings. You all knew fucking Kabebe was going to go through Gagey. They intimidated you. They scared you. You probably bet on Gagey. It was a good fucking line. Gagey plus two, whatever is a great line. Baseball was great this weekend. The devil race came back on

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you can't miss this offer. You can't do it. You get the fucking dollar for the better hundred, and then you get a thousand dollars to sign up. Are you fucking retoke? What the fuck is wrong with you? Picky the Penn State, Ohio State, put one dollar on both of them, and you win $100. Right now, DraftKings Sportsbook, promo Code Joey. Remember one thing, here's what the lawyers make me say. You got to be 21-old, New Jersey, Indiana, or Pennsylvania only. If you live in Iowa, go roller skating. I don't know what to tell you. Deposit bonus requires 25 times play through. Restrictions do apply. See DraftKings.com slash Sportsbook for details. You got a gambling problem? There's help. 1-800-GAMBLER. And if you're in Indiana and you need help, call 1-800-9 with it.

But if you're ready to rock and roll, and ready a lot of candles in somebody's asshole and blow it out, happy birthday. Go to DraftKings Sportsbook app and use promo code Joey and let's get this fucking paper going. I love you, Cocksuckers. See you next week. See you Wednesday. you