Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #010 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: November 4, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey’s Joint.... This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew & Lucy.CO..... Go to www.bluechew.com enter CODE: JOEY Go to www.lucy.co enter CODE: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/JoeyDiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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I Almost forgot the fucking candy and I'm saying I'm over here fucking around enjoy You You What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Wednesday November 4th whatever the fuck it is. Hopefully it's You know who you're not gonna know who won till fucking next week. So calm the fuck down

Hold on to the American flag and jump up and down at home. It's Wednesday cocksuckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive the fourth is It the fourth yeah Cuz I got a fucking doctor's appointment today at some time. I just got a double check I'm gonna call them 20 minutes. Why are you mr. Diaz? It's a great day. We're here with queer I'm a little sorry about Sunday's podcast. I was a little off kilter. I Brought my personal business Into the podcast, but I gotta tell you something. That's what my podcast is about

To vent to you guys and to let you know what the fuck is going on in my world And what I'm seeing is I'm walking these fucking streets, but we're good. We're feeling good We're happy. Everything is there. The confusion is out. I took one more fucking step There's no uncle Vinny's this week because I don't know people hitting themselves in the head with bats tonight Uncle Vinny's a resume on the 18th Once the smoke clears and everybody's finished jumping up and down if they even jumping down I mean they they prepared these fucking cities up. They got everything boarded in my world You're telling me you fucking surrendered your city, you know, I'm a governor. I'm a senator. I'm putting national guards

troops helicopters squats Squats what I'm getting them all in fucking buildings and I'm letting people know we got no time Because chaos we got no time to hurt people more. We got no time to break into businesses and loot people have heard enough Let's get through this fucking election. Let's maintain our fucking balls as fucking Americans and This will come back This ain't just gonna come, you know, people think oh, I voted things only go back to normal. No motherfucker Just because you voted and you got that little stick around your fucking t-shirt Don't mean you just voted and you're gonna change civilization. You got to change it from fucking within

You got to start with your fucking house and cleaning your fucking house Because it's what really happens behind closed doors anyway, right? I mean, uh, you you say little things behind closed door to your wife Behind closed doors you fucking come on your wife's hand and made a smear on her face So we all do different things behind our fucking doors. We have to start changing How we act and how we speak even in our own homes Because that's gonna make you go out there, you know, all these people running for different things are talking about social and equality in our system You know systematic racism it does exist

It does exist and if you don't think it does you're fucking it exists in a mild way But even the mild heavy medium it exists So at times I've been part of the problem myself by cracking stupid jokes and fucking ha ha's and he he's and whatnot We all got a good laugh out of it, but it's still a little bit on the systematic racism side and I've never gone through it, you know, whatever I could I wipe my ass with racism if you got something to say about my race I really don't give two Frenchman's fuck But when we'll be living in LA my wife heard a few things and it was disturbing to her And if disturbs her that means it disturbs white people that means white people would be in shock if they fucking heard what they have

They hear about the school, but anyway, we're done with all that I am very happy that you watched the documentary and I am happy that Dave by Mike binder Put that documentary out for the world. I could add a hundred critiques, but I have zero. I have none why because It told our story for us It vindicated what we had been saying on the podcast for years And it showed you of what we did have down there It was a fucking clubhouse for boys and girls

We were free to do whatever the fuck we want and I took more advantages though freedoms than anybody That's why I'm doing what I'm doing on stage today Because I take fucking chances and who taught me how to take chances the comedy story If not, I go up there would end them up my ass and recite the same fucking 16 words for you Every fucking night you can do that to stop and if you watch the last episode they brought up What happened with me and how binder said Joey Dears handled it fucking perfectly listen You couldn't cancel me if your mother came back from the fucking grave, you know why because I've told you everything there is to cancel me They might be a few things here and there, but you're still not gonna cancel me over them

Because they were done over 20 fucking years ago and like we say we change every seven years So if you don't see that for what it is, I don't even want you watching the fucking podcast Go do whatever the fuck you were doing go listen to Adam Corolla and jump up and down and Buy into that shit. I'm selling you fucking real here I'm selling you fucking truth here, and I'm selling you a little bit of funny from time to time You know I'm saying as you can tell my eyes are cleaned No reefer. I got a little high last week with the fucking edibles. I went to a tremendous Football party that I forgot to mention to you guys on Monday. I got so much on my plate

You know I'm getting older my long-term memory I can remember who snorted ten cut lines of coke in 1986 but I Can't remember what I had for lunch on some days, so I'm sorry. I went to a new job. I've been going to this The Florentines have a Sunday fucking football tradition. They got a few pizzas some chicken wings some shrimps The main game is the Miami Dolphin game That's when they go nuts, and they have a bunch of characters over there Listen, it's not that no women are allowed. It's that no women will want to listen to that shit

Because it's a constant fucking you know That we talk about everything we cover all the bases from politics to pussy the fucking racism Everybody gets a smack on the face on those Sundays You know I'm saying and it's in the funniest way and it's innocent as fuck and it just reminds me of the people I grew up with like there was one point. I got the picture on my fucking phone That's hysterical one of the guys that was dead thought it would be funny and when Jimmy went into the bathroom He got outside the bathroom balls ass naked Jimmy opens the door to expect like a room full of guys

And here's a guy fucking naked. How much did we laugh if that was to happen in LA? Oh my god Call my one one that no It's not all not everything is a Louis CK type of fucking move Some people just want to shock you your dick But when I told the dear friend of mine from the day before He was like where you that's where you got that shit from as a kid Every neighborhood in Jersey had a guy that chased you with his balls or his dick out You're looking at it. I started that shit early in front of Hathaway's deli when I was 16 fucking years old

I'm just whipping up my balls. Then when I got to the comedy store It was the alternative When you're not funny, you got to make it funny if a fart is funny Make it funny if pulling at your balls to close the set out is fucking funny. It's funny That's what funny is whatever the fuck you put together and contrived if you got on your floor and Spread your ass and put a lighter up your ass and start farting and those gastric flames come out and they go and people laugh Hey, I'm sorry. It's fucking funny when

What's his name Gallagher used to go up there with watermelons and smash them and fucking it would get into everybody's thing Some people didn't agree with Gallagher's comedy Like the guy son of the documentary if you watch it today It's pretty fucking brilliant because he controlled his own destiny He didn't give a fuck if you got hit with a watermelon to the fucking face That's just the way fucking lives life is and that's what the life of a stand-up is and they really really broke it down Of what was going down there and the most important thing that was going down there It wasn't the drugs. It wasn't the drinking. It wasn't the sex

There was two things that were happening down there That'll never ever ever come back in comedy for a while the state of comedy was we were on a level of ten there and The camaraderie we had there like they said as soon as you walked out of the car You were greeted by a doorman you threw him a fucking tip you walked into the bar I didn't drink you got a fucking water Right, you got yourself a little water

You mingled with two or three comics said hello you hadn't seen them They told you about a club they were going to you asked them how the owner was if he's still a fucking coke head Should I cancel the week and then you went back there and you proceeded to do you the one on Sam Tripoli's rooms? You went to the original room Jericho Maya boss gang Whatever his name is Jericho Maya Watkins ran a room upstairs You know it was just a time to be there But it was also a time to be there when they described in the early beginning when there was nobody there When Tupac had a shootout there one night when when that metal detectors at the door

I mean by the time I got there there was no more metal detectors at the door, but can you imagine? Metal detectors at a comedy club. What the fuck went wrong there? But then it lightened up over the years And I had an opportunity to get my education and comedy like Jimmy Schubert said it really is a four-year college And it's not just a four-year college where you major in one thing You major in the art of comedy Let's pretend you dated somebody at the store against Mitzi's wishes and you and that fucking woman broke up He wouldn't make you follow her and she follow you for the rest of the two years

Was she playing games? Yeah, she was playing games of you, but she was also teaching you how to take an emotion out of comedy You're about to shake the hand of a chick with just blue-eyed guys In a fucking condo in Cincinnati and you have to actually shake a hand Say let's keep it going one more time for this woman and be a gentleman about it You can't go up there and say let's keep it going for the chick who cheated on me with eight different cocks And now I got foam coming out of my mouth that might not be able to perform for the next 15 minutes Nobody says that you're professional and that's what She taught you

She taught you professionalism how to act, you know mitzi was a fucking character man Sunday nights up there. I didn't know what to expect I didn't know she was gonna tell me to grow a beard and come out as Del Castro next time She wanted me to put handcuffs on and come out on stage like an Like a fucking prisoner who you know, they even mentioned it in the fucking doc That she would say things from time to time that you go. Ooh

Mitzi's going deep We won't talk to her no more. Hopefully by next Sunday She'll forget she even brought that shit up So that's what was great, you know The uh, Carlos mitzi and Joe Rogan thing At first I didn't like that. They tapped on it. But then we had to tap on it Because it was a major point of the store People turned people got pissed people's feelings got hurt

But it was a long time coming for Carlos and I love Carlos. I have nothing. I have no old will to Carlos I've known Carlos since 1993 and uh the joke lifting stuff followed them and it followed his reputation And it got to the point where it was a little out of control And in my world, I had no ill will for Carlos, but So many people were angry at Carlos at the time. I'm like

Guys, you're walking up the wrong tree. Just stab him at the comedy store The comedy store has all those wings and all those fucking tunnels and shit like that Stab them there. I don't fucking know what to tell you I got surgery one night. I wasn't at the store and that's when that whole thing went down with Carlos One night Joe Rogan was a hero and three days later. He was a zero and it wasn't right I stopped going down out of solidarity I had had enough of that place not to mention

I didn't want the fucking town coordinator one of the comics to go flying out the window So I didn't need that in my life at the time. So we moved the fuck on And in 2014 when that fucking shit had got fired Adam called me like a man. He goes, I like for you to start coming down here Took me about a week to think about it to think about my loyalties and what was going on And then I'm like, what loyalty? I'm a fucking comic They're providing the stage They're providing $15 and I got a chance to work at

What what I'd love. I mean, why not at the best place in the fucking world, you know The other day I was talking about The Netflix thing and that was my biggest mistake for Netflix when I shot that special I could have gone out there a fucking killer But instead of going to the store every night See, I thought that if I would travel and try my material on different people I would see the results how it affected different people I don't you need to fucking find the result how it affects different people

I have to make the material funny and if I would have gone to the store six nights a week Adam would have worked let me work that 25 minutes set to the end I would have been a different fucking comic for that. But hey, hindsight is 2020. What are you gonna do? Now I'm trying to find my voice which is uh Whether trying to find it on the podcast whether trying to find it in comedy it's both the same The patreon is good. Uh, I have started I've actually You're not gonna believe this because I know We're either gonna get locked down or it's gonna be a cold summer. I've actually started

Separating the chapters in the book And I think I'm gonna work out a deal with him Well, I'm just gonna write a chapter and send him one every week And let him carve it up and that's the best way to do start november And go all the way to fucking, uh, you know the first week of january second week of january There's not much gonna be happening here. It's gonna be cold I'm not interested in doing any shows. I'm not interested in going out. I just uh In fact, I'm waiting for a covet

Result, but it's been five days. So I've shown those symptoms. I could be I could be Asymptomatic but uh, hopefully by the time I finish this podcast, I'll check my fucking hotmail and bam That'll be my little result You're negative and uh, we can move on to bigger and better things Not that I'm gonna go to a fucking a mosh pit And start jumping up and down and breathing on people. You know what I'm saying? Those motherfuckers. There's no more mosh pits out there Shit, that's the number one thing that got the that and Fucking midgets in the head. You know what I'm saying? Nobody wants

Covid from getting in trouble with one of that shit. So I'm sure mosh pits are over live shows are over What the fuck was I thinking? What kind of question is that? But uh I I couldn't fucking believe those mosh pits after a while. I had never But by ticket participated in one They came out after my fucking thing But I tell you it'd be nice to do a mosh pit with like nail boards to your legs So when you're bumping to people, you're like, here are my hands. I couldn't a stab you know

They're like, why the fuck am I bleeding from my leg and meanwhile you got like a strap of fucking Nails popping up from everywhere and uh, just an idea people you don't have to take this shit It's just my thing of uh having fun having a good time But like I said this this week I had a tough choice to like I was like, wow The podcast isn't sounding how I liked it to sound. Well, we broke the third wall We included mic as much as we can and whatnot and I got other ideas coming I got some better ideas coming. We're gonna stay in the studio Hopefully we have our first zoom guest tonight

And we could do a wrap around and have a few Monday morning We're gonna start doing a couple zoom guests. Just just just switch it up a little bit until we find the right combination And once we find the right combination, we're off and running bitches. I mean right now We're doing this all our fucking Apple you know I'm saying apple is responsible for everything except for the fucking hinges and whatnot We're doing this with two iPhones He's got a big Mac And this is just done from balls and heart. You know what I'm saying?

We come in here and get a big crew and whatnot. What's the difference? All I'm trying to get the message across to you is that listen No matter what situation is going on in your life You could wipe your fucking ass for you move forward. I've been in worse situations. This Ain't shit. You know what I'm saying for you motherfuckers I had I spoke to somebody yes that like I go where you been all day goes I've been trying to get online trying to get my unemployment all these kind of you still waiting for fucking unemployment since march That bank has dried the fuck up

I think they're sending out checks from time to time But if you don't get unemployment by now, I mean how many hours have you spent on unemployment on that fucking phone? How many hours have you spent on that computer? Can you imagine if you were taking that that time and done something in the positive? You'd have been three quarters of the way there Fucking employment. They're not in business to answer the phone They fucking pick and you ever get picked up by them They put the jingle music on then it hangs up and you got to start all over after you've been on hold for 30 minutes

It's a system to fuck with you. That's why I can't oh I've always hated anything to do With bureaucracy. You just can't retire You just can't wake up one day and go, you know what? Today is the day. I'm I'm fucking retiring. Oh, no, you got to go down to social security provide this Provide that oh you're only 57. So you got to wait till you're 60 and you everything is fucking holding off fucking money Stop holding off fucking money. It's our fucking money. What's the big fucking deal? We want it now. I got to sign 22 fucking pieces of paper just to get a small fucking 20 My friend said he had a gold bond his grandmother gave him when he was like four

And he went to cash and the FBI showed up like what the are you fucking crazy? You pay 20 bucks for it in 1950. It's worth something today. Lay it on me. Do the fucking math Take out your little fucking commission and let's do it. No They gave him like a notebook of questions and answers Where'd they buy it? I don't know How the fuck do I know where they bought it was 1960 when they fucking bought it I'm thinking they cashed it in now for my fucking daughter and now I got to play fucking jeopardy with yucca suckers About letting you know where and how and who here it is

How I got it. I don't fucking know my grandmother. You want my grandmother's name? I'll give you my grandmother put it in there my uncle whoever the fuck gave it to you They even give you a hard time by savings bonds 20 years ago, they would save every other commercial invest in the future Savings bonds all sunday fucking stopped and I'm thinking to myself these motherfuckers are gonna pocket our fucking safety bond money Thank god. I kept like two of those motherfuckers and recently I said, let's see what the fuck's going on with them. Oh My wife sent me a thing back. You gotta fill out this whole questionnaire When you got it why you got it? Oh, I got it on my first commute. I don't fucking know when I got it

I just got it. That's all I fucking know, you know If it ain't one thing It's a fucking another But here we are election week Nobody knows nothing people ain't spending a dime Because we can't decide what the fuck we're gonna spend Either we're gonna hit get hit with a tax bill or get hit with a bomb from china. We're gonna hit with something Don't think that it's fucking just gonna be easy breezy here from the walking on in but listen

We prepared for this None of this Should fucking surprise I know half years followed my tune. Maybe you didn't to stop watching the news. Forget about cnn That's horror international between the Cuomo brothers and fucking Little dude with the blonde haircut. They're there. They're there in business just to scare you just the tone of their fucking voices You know anderson cooper, you know Anderson cooper can't break an egg to make himself a sandwich

But he could put fear into your heart. It's like nobody I've ever fucking seen before in my life. So CNN is off cnn has been off in my house for months TV is off. I'm not even gonna look at that. I know my wife. She's a fucking political pica She'll be up there looking like the computer. I don't know what's going on I haven't looked at anything today Then you hit her with a question and she becomes johnny the parrot She won't shut the fuck up. You got to hit her one time to talk and two times to shut the fuck up It's it's amazing

But that's what I live with on a daily life and my wife ain't my daughter ain't no silent bird either Jesus christ. I forgot what I called her a ball. I used to call her a ball because it was always an unleashing, but I got to tell you something guys. She has uh Come a long fucking way, you know, my wife took her yesterday at like 10 o'clock Beautiful day in lujersey yesterday ah Maybe in the high 40s A little wind, but guess what?

Vitamin D's dick was out. He's out there Shining just coming on you with vitamin D. What's the number one fucking thing they're telling you to take for this cold? It's vitamin D. You could take some get some, you know externally from the sun I got a room in this fucking house. I got a rule and it even goes for me The rule is if it's sunny outside And there's no penguins you're out of the house even if I sit on the balcony

With a notebook i'm always trying to absorb vitamin D Now tell you why because in two months This neighborhood is gonna be a fucking It's gonna look like a fucking alaska Because even if there's no snow on the ground Just the air is going to be petrified from the cold weather. You can tell doesn't take a genius. I'm no meteorologist I didn't I don't wear a fancy suit. My name ain't johnny storm But I will tell you that fucking it's gonna be cold

and uh There's not gonna be no outside living Uh patreon you guys are probably gonna love it because i'm gonna send you tapes of me whacking off Taking shits wiping my ass. It's gonna be boring as fuck. I might as well video video video. What the fuck's the difference at this point? Hopefully if the numbers go down we'll continue We'll add a guest You know first we'll start with the fucking zoom Work it into there and if the numbers go down listen, I got nothing against getting great uh great guests on here

And i'm in the new york city area. I got the best guests in the world my friends My friends will tell you the other half to this fucking saga that we went through You know and it was a saga It was funny because last night I had a hard time sleeping Just me on my own just uh, I took my fucking melatonin I took my fucking uh, kiki kikimo

kikoko tincture I smoked a joint of whatever fucking killed dean martin And uh, when i started to take That was it About 11 30. I was tired this daylight savings thing is uh, you know You get a little tired. I had a great workout yesterday I walked around with fucking mercy. I had a lot on my mind I'm trying to take out what's not and what's not important

This thing right and tastes a lot out of you, especially when you're not a fucking writer and uh What was the fuck was I saying? I even forget what the fuck I was talking about and I uh Who knows what I did I just relaxed and I uh Huh no, I didn't get fucked up this week too much. No, I've been good guys I've been telling you that I've been good other times when I'm supposed to take a nettable like there's nights I'm like, wow, I didn't take a nettable tonight. I'll tell you what I didn't have haven't been on that fucking Kalana pan shit and

Didn't make a difference in my world. I feel a lot better. I think that those pills were actually fucking inciting Anxiety and me because I'll tell you what I had a regular americano a cup of coffee this morning not americano without water in it Who the fucking throws hot water in that coffee? What's wrong with you? It's diluted. What type of pussy are you? That's the shit you find at Starbucks, which I haven't stepped foot in I ain't planning on going back in there Now when you got motherfucking dunking donuts in the area and they got that liquid fucking speed That arab juice that's what arab is drinking instead of fucking

What's white people drink to get energy? Five hour energy or or red bull. I had a red bull. You know, fuck yourself Why do you think these Arabs are non-stop? You ever go to a 7-eleven at eight in the morning and you come back at midnight the same guys there Wait, I think he wants to be there. Fuck. No, he's got nowhere else to go He drank that fucking brazilian bold He can't sit down even if he wants to that hemorrhoid will launch him. You understand me as soon as he sits down The hemorrhoid will launch right out of his ass

And that's just that's the last time you'll see poor abeep and fucking wah wah or 7-eleven I'm digging the wah wah's In jersey jersey shout out you bad motherfucking jerseys got a lot of great shit here Jersey really does listen. I make a fucking right down the corner from my house And I got everything from hobby lobby to bills while wings The fucking sun tanning places. It's like a whole new fucking world down here. And it's on my fingertips, man I don't have to go up north anymore. You know, uh numbers are going up up north In big ways, uh, we all know this is going to happen with the flu once you incorporate the flu. I think the first person

Tested positive for the flu and covid But again, you know what I wear my mask I do my social distancing I wash my ass I wash my balls. How about if you fucking touch your balls and you got covid then you wash your hands You don't know your nuts acts got covid then you dip them in your girlfriend's mouth Now she's coughing like three days fucking later. You know what I'm saying? She's not gonna want to go to the doctor and say I got covid from sucking balls So wipe everything. That's the great thing about fucking manscape. They have those little, uh

Pouches the little nut wag you put them in your wallet like an old condom And if you're gonna meet an encounter if you feel that there's a bush and a woman is hiding in it And you want to have your helmet ready? You wipe the helmet off She swallows fucking gold no covid And everybody moves on happy. I don't even know how we got on this subject But fuck it while we're on it wash your hands social distance And keep your fucking mask on and if you don't want to put your mask on I don't give a fuck either

I ain't mad at you. I don't get mad at the non-maskers or whatever. I don't give a fuck Just don't come up to me and ask me for a fucking picture And stay the fuck away from me because if you don't want to wear a mask six feet You might as well stay 20 feet from me and 20 feet from me means I can't hear whatever the fuck you're saying Which is even better. You know what I'm saying? So do yourself a favor You know, if you don't want to wear a mask, hey, this is america jack You don't have to do nothing. They tell you they tell you to lock it down. You don't want to lock it down Don't lock it down. I don't give a fuck. I wouldn't get mad at you

I'm not here to pay your bills and then I'm here to pay your bills You pay your fucking bills. I spoke to a guy the other day because if they lock it down again, I'm staying open I'm buying fucking explosives. I'm staying open good You know, I don't give a fuck. I got nothing mad about you as long as you wear a mask Allow three or four people in your store at one time and you're not over here fucking, you know Fucking exposing the fucking culvin. I'm not mad at you. I'm not looking to shut down people's livelihoods They shut down my livelihood You don't see me upset. You don't see me crying

You haven't had a fucking beep out of me because I know when I come back. I'll come back that much better It's taken me a little while to find the voice podcast stand up But who gives a fuck? I know that if I keep showing up You know, I could have told mickey this morning mic. I didn't like monday's podcast too much I have to revamp it I have to revive it. There's no revamping. There's no rewriting. There's no nothing. There is doing You do there's no, you know, if you go to like a trade school And you're like in the third year and they're doing the same same thing. Well today, we're gonna put wire on the wall

You know, you know what? I really want my big refund here But I really should be making 12 50 a fucking hour because that's what I should be doing I should I really should be going for a fucking union Job or something like that. It's the same thing. I've never been much For the fucking books to learn how to do something that you could do by doing You don't teach a mechanic doesn't learn. Well today they do because everything's electronic And connected to a fucking diagnostic fucking plug

That goes in your car and tells you everything that they need to hear with week. What's not? What about the guys from 30 years ago that would tell you start your car and they would just put their ear and go It's a timing belt, you know, you're like, what the fuck I didn't hear nothing Hey, and all of a sudden they're selling you a fucking timing belt and your car is right I believe those guys I like by doing I don't believe by fucking reading a book 10 books last night somebody asked me about stand-up comedy on patreon And I explained to him I said number one. You got to get Judy Carter's book Just to see the basics

Just to see the basics number two I want you to watch stand-up 101 Bill Hicks Whatever he's got George carlin, whatever he's got and richard prior whatever he's got Put the notebook next to you take notes and see what you want when you first begin comedy Like when I first started to podcast when I first started stand-up you always emulate someone else You emulate someone else until you find your fucking voice

It could take 10 episodes. It could take 10 times on stage It could take you know ladies How long was it till you started sucking a good dick? You didn't just Were born and just became 18 and just grabbed that fucking knob and did it at first You were a little scared. It tasted funny. It needed pepper. You know, you didn't know what the fuck to think Now you're 30. You're sucking dick like an amateur. You're just grabbing that fucking pipe and doing the same with us When we went down on you the first time we looked at that thing like wow

What the fuck did I get in myself? It's got like a little whistle. It's got a hole. It's got a head coming out from the Bottom like a little dragon But then you lick it once you lick it again Then you meet the girl that tells you do me a favor stop Open up that fucking monkey get that. You see that little little grape right there Suck that motherfucker till it burst and they got no seeds in it and bam You became a better pussy. Nobody fucking becomes anything good overnight and

You know, I was a little down on myself Tuesday about the morning podcast I rattled that was all over the place No more guys. We're gonna keep tightening this shit up and hopefully By next Monday morning, we'll have our first fucking zoom guest and then we'll start adding zoom And hopefully this as the numbers go down We'll get another camera another mic because I know what the answer is to this podcast I already know what the answer is. I'm not gonna tell you what it is But I already know what the answer is to this podcast. It's just a conterra way

And we're gonna fucking put it together together Take together. It's the conterra way like Mike just did And let's say, you know, women's had a little pussy. They have that little chinese hat Me you go for one of my ball heads. It's gray. You're gonna need like a tug of fucking You're gonna need like three three american days raki soldiers to pull fucking gray hair out of my dick It's like the ones on my eyebrows. I trimmed the other ones. They go When they hit the fucking white hair he goes Those are the fucking chords of life

That's 57 years of sperm bubblegum bad weather stress Whatever the fuck you want to call it you bad motherfuckers But we're here with queer if you're on patreon. I hope you're enjoying the album of the week I'm not giving you albums that you want to hear. I'm giving you the albums that influence me To make me who I am the fucking motherfucker today That's doing podcast in front of a fucking iPhone. Who's better than me? I got two iPhones here We're making it fucking work for you. All right. Everybody else is sitting there. Well

We need 330,000 to get the studio going. Yeah, but you got kelly clarkson. Have you watched kelly clarkson's daytime show? Don't get a rope yet. Oh my fucking god And I love cully clarkson. She got a great voice. I cheers for her on fucking that show when she was on They gave her a daytime show. Why are you giving these singers daytime shows? They're right there. She had usher on the day I watched her She was asking creepy questions right now. The show is over. You could tell us you didn't want to be there I should much much rather be at a fucking funeral Dancing and singing or the fuck they do

You know, I sure didn't want to be there. How is your show going to be in vegas of 2021? Bitch, I haven't even gotten the covid test yet and you're asking me about 2021 What the fuck is wrong with these people? But little by little you guys are seeing who are the masters of your fucking reality It's the burrs. It's the rogans. It's a tim dillins It's the fucking, uh, you know, whitney comings all these people's podcasts influence you They open up their hearts for you. They open up their minds for you and now it's comedians

And now this fucking, you know, you got all these guys that sit there and watch videos And they criticize whitney and criticize these people and this people Bro, you know what? We did something you'll never do You're probably some trust fund kid. You tried stand-up didn't work out for you You tried a couple other things now you and some of your partners get together and chop down stand-ups For what we say whatever listen all you need to do is watch the comedy store documentary That was a journey for the most of us

Dia and I if you're on my patreon, I proposed to the schedule From 1998 that's 22 years ago. Any of you motherfuckers still doing the same thing you were doing 22 years ago? I doubt it and I was already six Years in maybe six or seven years in So before you put on your little fucking stupid video And think that you're the shit you're nothing but a trust fund little fucking cunt That had fucking private school. They would all fuck you in the ass and giggle at you Now you got a few dollars your grandmother died that fucking jerk off

She's probably sucking dicks in hell and she left you a little money and now you got the right to sit there all day And talk about people. I wish I had that fucking right, you know what I'm saying? but The good thing about us is we have something to back that up with and you'll never have that in your fucking life None of years that think that's cute of putting Whitney down a chino santino Or bobby lee. We did something we committed to something You committed to the fucking low road by sitting there And saying things and thinking that you're fucking cool

And then you expect to walk around the rest of your life that this isn't gonna come back and bite you in the ass my friend my friend You have no fucking idea how life comes back You don't need to go after people, you know I don't need to wish wrong on people. I really don't at this age It's just giving people a rope and wait till they fucking hang themselves. It's a beautiful thing to watch Because I don't know what the fucking point of what you're doing is We're all fucking made guys. We all fucking did something, you know, I didn't want an academy award and I didn't set out to do it

I didn't win a fucking Grammy or an Emmy, but I didn't set out to do it All I wanted to do is be a part of something for some people. It's next to him You go up then get your your little pussy fucked by a foreign fucking worm that cocksucker I've been watching that too. How stupid are you to join next to him? You what what what happened they threw you out of Scientology you dumb fucks. What is wrong with you fucking people? What is this hole in your heart that you want to get together with a bunch of fucking strangers to jump up and down And give some fucking guy a bunch of your fucking money to learn basic life classes What the fuck were your parents there for for what to just talk to you and

You got a fucking trophy you came in 12th. What the fuck do you care if I come in 12th in my house My mother takes that trophy and shows it up my ass And sex next time you better come in 9th the next time you better come in 8th The next time you better come in 4th the next time you come in fucking 1st What type of parent are you that your fucking kid has a void that joins nexium Scientology? fucking The fucking the cult of yoga with that stinky fucking homicidal with a little fucking He basically wore a face mask like we're wearing now on this nutsack and touch you

and fucking Taught yoga to these poor fucking people in los angeles and that just goes to show you All that nexium and all that Scientologists and all that fucking creepy yoga Where is the center of all that in weaknessville los angeles california? I love you And you're great and you guys did great for my career and I had a great time while I was there But I was surrounded by those people and that's a different fucking way Of being what's the way we're looking for not degenerate, but not greedy, but You know

I forget that fucking word constantly, but what are you gonna fucking do? Yeah, no, he's in yo, he's in mexico now That motherfucking big rom and nobody will go get him I'm hoping one of you fucking white parents to go down there and beat the fuck out of him drag him back by the ponytail And put him in fucking america doing that shit today. He had 800 900 people, but that's the people that I do They take that little weak spot you have and they fucking exploit it Whether it's Scientology. I mean you got to watch the lumber nexium by katherin oxenberg's daughter Funny thing was I did a movie with katherin oxenberg

And her husband from space. What's the name of that show? We have a some movie that came out that fucking white america loved. I love it with baseball great Space to some so who the fuck gives the fucking cat room was very nice I did one of those disney dawg halloween movies or something And she was spectacular and i'm sure the girls were there as young girls. I just Didn't really get to know them, but it makes you think as a parent What fucking voids do I have to fill in my kid? So they'll end up in nexium fucking listeners some four-eyed fucking faggot

Tell them stories about you know your next level in life your next level in life The only one that's gonna take you there is you i'm gonna pay you 18 Thousand dollars and go to albany and fucking freeze. There's not even chinese food in albany No disrespect, but you got nothing up there in albany, but cold weather Lee was up there for two days. He was like, oh my god. Yeah, anyway, but uh If you get a chance watch the nexium fucking Discuss parade, you know nothing nothing new to the harvies nothing new to all the other shit that goes on out there And uh, that's also been an interesting

Thing to watch because as a parent you got to look and say wow What fucking hole did I leave in my child's heart? For them to hang out with a bunch of fucking jercos. I had a friend in la great fucking friend she used to uh The desperation That's what makes you do this shit. She had a business. I was forgetting. I love the debt I've been friends with her for over 20 years. We all met through Ralphie Mae but she had a thing called where like

You would put like a vacation destination up greece And all these strangers would sign up and you'd have to go to greece With 20 strangers in the book on a plane And she would take pictures and send them back to me And i'm like those are the loneliest motherfucking people I have ever seen in my life That they got to take a fucking plane to meet with people, but then again, maybe Their social misfits, maybe they're not well socially

Maybe they just really want to meet you know, there's people out there that really I want to meet new and adventurous people Give me a fucking break Okay, you want to meet an adventure guy go down and talk to the guy who runs the bodega He's got stories of life that you never fucking heard before you know It's just so weird coming from la and remembering all the things like I had a friend in About 2004

Mary chick straight up You know, I respect her with all my heart. She had uh Picked up a show. She had done one of my one of the shows I was on cold case And she was picked from uh A showcase They did a showcase up in the theater and the producers from cold case were there And they used her for the episode mind you she never had a credit before that

And I think she never got a credit after that but she took that episode a cold case And ran with it and gave it to latinos association And they voted as one of the best episodes on cbs and cbs got an accolade for fucking uh for uh You know having latinos on and whatnot and But what I didn't know at the time was that this girl was happily married with kids And she was having a fair

with a producer that at the time Was and we'll close with this. I know you guys got things to do and people to see She was Fucking a guy on the side That was a little producer He was starting to get some steam You know, my my friend that was with him was around 37

Married nice body really pretty girl the producer was around 40 But if you know anything about those disgusting people in LA They were always trying to nail the 21 22 year olds as they get off the bus to fucking start them They try to fill them with sperm and throw their head off for a while and uh Well, guess what happened while he was dating my friend He embarked in one of the biggest franchises

in the world Think of franchises of movies. I'm not going to give you a name But think of huge franchises. I'm talking rambo franchises. I'm talking The fucking little white perverts that were biting each other in the neck Dwilight whatever the fuck it is Those little fucking fags whatever happened to them all the one guy's gonna play batman You know, there were there were these franchises Well that medium range producer

banged into one of those franchises one of those 800 million overseas type movie And my home girl got that's when she came to me And she goes, I don't know if you know this I've been fucking and sucking his dick For a year cheating on my husband me You know, I'm from the world of drugs I don't mind getting hit in the head with that bat from time to time

But that world about cheating on your husband. I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about And I played it off and she's like I told that motherfucker Even either he gives me a house Or I tell his new 21 year old girlfriend because yeah Who wants a 37 year old when you got a 21 year old blonde stupid, you know, and I'm not talking for me I'm talking for these fucking producers. That's how they That's their motor random. Whatever the fuck they do. They just get rid of but the 37 year old girl was a Spanish girl And she gave him a hard time. She's like, I ain't going nowhere motherfucker. I got used condoms

I got sperm on my dresses. I'm like Lewinsky I got everything so This guy had to give her his house He had like a house on cold water That he used for camera equipment, you know, he had like little things there He had a great view and different angles. So he would shoot Different things up there and shit. They had to settle By her getting the house from him

And the husband never found out. His wife never found out. It was just a clean transaction I just thought about this the other day and I would go up there and put auditions on tape That's where I got American gangster. That's how I got taxi That's how I got maybe seven movies Was through this girl That got this all this equipment to this guy. She was fucking He nails the biggest franchise in fucking movie history And he just gives the house up in cold water canyon house had to be worth a million dollars

the equipment another 200 000 so That's so you know about my life and where I've been and the things I've seen no names No fucking names never It's Wednesday afternoon I hope you're feeling well. I hope that whether you voted for You know works out for you For me, I told you I'm not voting. I worry about the fucking guy. I'm voting for the guy who lets me stay home

Scratch my balls sniff a finger. Take a picture of my fingers with a pubic hair on it Send it to you and still sends me a check out the end of the week. That's who I'm voting for Uh, I hope they vote new jersey You better fucking vote marijuana and we need this guetus It's a lot of guetus and it's a lot of guetus if it's run, right you understand me if it's run, right Marijuana is great. You don't believe me As done, but they've got it down to a fucking science And a fucking nickel LA. Uh, you know, they don't know what the fuck that they they've never told you what they did with the money

Oh, we spend it on rehabs. Yeah, then why are all these people over here in fucking hutch? You're fucking talk service You know put them in fucking apartment buildings do something with this weed money. We know you make tons of it. So I Love you motherfuckers. I'm never here to take too much of your time. I just want to check in with you You got plenty of me to go around You got two fucking mini podcast on patreon You got fucking uh album of the week on patreon

You got morning motivation. I dropped some fucking uh Periscopes on twitter for you from time to time. I'm still on facebook I'm at uncle vinnies the 18 the 25th Jimmy florentine is there this weekend The sixth and the seventh I might go down one of the nights and say hello Then that's it and that's that we're trying to put it together I got a show coming out on ozzy's boneyard this month

I'll let you know when that comes up so you can support it Some of my favorite jams if you guys support they'll give me more and then we'll have a little ozzy's boneyard Patreon podcast we'll have the whole family set up for you for the fucking winter I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week. Uh I hope you're happy. That's all I could wish for you know what I'm saying Whatever I discussed last week. I realized that uh, I shouldn't be bringing some of that shit to the podcast But I have to I want you guys to know what the fuck is going on with me

What direction i'm fucking swinging And that's it and that's that I love you guys with all my heart. Thank you very much and now For a word from my motherfucking sponsors Thank you for listening to today's disaster But no matter what uncle joey's brought joint is brought to you by lucy nicotine gum listen I smoked for a few years when I got that lane

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Thank you for a fun fill week. If you're following me on patreon Get ready to blow your fucking socks off T-shirts are coming I just looked at them today. I'm gonna surprise you motherfuckers. I told you january, but you know uncle joey dog I take care of my fucking Family patreon twitter bill all you cocksuckers get love Listen the podcast goes up I don't know who you voted for but listen. Have a great day. Have a great weekend

Bust out the football helmets in case you gave it man head with a brick. Love you cocksuckers You