Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 01/06/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #43

Episode Date: January 7, 2013

Welcome back and Happy New Year. A rare night time edition. Emilio Rivera from Sons Of Anarchy calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code Church for a discount! Streamed live on 1/6/13

oh shit a little grand funk fucking railroad to get 2013 started the church is back hit it Lee this is the fucking cowbell he was talking about when I Italy Brody Stevens I'll call you back with a number to call in about an hour right we're just starting the podcast baby let me call you back oh shit the church happy new year Lisa I had the flying Jew Joey Diaz coming at you listen we usually do the podcast Mondays and Wednesday morning we haven't been on the air for two weeks and what happened was my wife I took it to the hospital today

for starters thank you for the fucking love and the support and everything you've given us on the show and throughout the fucking last year but the support you guys have given me the last couple days of my wife let me tell you something I want to know like a soldier on Friday Lee not that didn't pass out first off I went for I got a needle in my ass last fucking Wednesday you know what happened the last time I got needle in my ass with a fucking rash no I fucking passed out I had to sit the doctor's office for an hour with my shirt open my titties were hanging out I had sweat beads lighting up off my

fucking head this time I went down Wednesday I said you know what I'm gonna go for this fuck first off the warm-up to the whole pregnancy with the Joe Lowe's on fight that night with all that fucking blood if I could put up with Joe Lowe's on his fucking head you could put up with fucking anything you follow me from there I I went for a needle last Wednesday which is like two days after New Year's we took it to the doctor the day before New Year's Eve that Monday yeah and they said that if she didn't have the doctor but if you didn't have the baby by Wednesday that she should just you know drop in fucking

Friday so we went there Friday they checked her out and they said listen ain't nothing we could do feeling she wanted to do but she wants to play fucking Johnny natural so she doesn't want to do which I don't blame it is a lot of chemicals out there why you know every one you could cut down on cut down on so she said fuck it I just come back so they told us to call this morning and last yesterday I took it for this to this place Criades Criades and I'm to hunger Boulevard it's got this big reputation that if you eat their salad you go into fucking labor 24 fucking hours when she woke up this month she

said fuck that salad the salad didn't do dick but they have all right pizza cry the audience and they give you a notebook and they give you all the articles the articles were Newsweek and Playboy and the LA Times and all these medical journals that for some reason the lemon juice that they put in the fucking in the dressing in the dressing makes women go into labor when they have it but my wife they're gonna fucking leave oh geez like that so this morning we called I had a dream that she called me said to come in at three I woke up again a call and she's like yeah she called me said come on come in at

12 so we got there like 12 15 they put her in they go you know what you're there but not really but we're gonna admit you just stay we're gonna balloon or something so we hung out there you know what I fell asleep in the fucking room the doctor came in you know she had the little robot she had to show her monkey in her ass it's hysterical because you don't know how much you really love a woman till you go through this this is when you really realize it's fucking rough it's fucking rough and I don't like that shit as it is but I went over there on Friday and I was a soldier this today I was a soldier but they had to

put this little balloon they put in your little monkey to soften up the cervix to to break the cervix or whatever I don't know the right terminology I ain't no fucking you know doctor people so we sat through that which was listen man I don't like I loved you Lee you fucking flying juke I suck I wouldn't want to see you getting stitched up that's the last thing I need never mind a surgery or a doctor put in a fucking pole in your little fucking monkey you know and they did that and we hung out she goes she was gonna take on that you know so I went home I fed the cats had a clean a little box that sent some emails to some

people and I called Lee and I go Lee you know what this is gonna she's gonna pop overnight so instead of me having to stop the popping and come over here and do a podcast and then drive back two hours in traffic because from here the morning it's gonna be fucking hell eight o'clock no yeah I'd rather get up at five and shoot to the hospital hang on nice and early if she has it too fucking I'm prepared I got a chocolate bar in me you know I'm saying I got a little that auntie Dolores I got some popcorn left she sent us a fucking box Lee oh sweet I got a couple presents for you we're gonna get fucked up next week on

the show in the morning like we did last week now you gotta know where to go now I'll get you high and you can just boom boom boom roll right into bed that's true moved into the new studios fucking we don't really have a name yet I don't really want to somebody suggested the June as that's okay but we gotta give us something more this is Lee sciat you know I'm saying coming at you like the big black fucking kahuna happy new year cocksucker this is it you got one more chance look at Lee with the fucking Israeli flag represent motherfucker I got the poster at my man meant my shivots look at this I gotta die fucking Pepsi I

feel like a traitor I'm a coke man if I'm gonna drink diet so I might as well go with diet coke I'm a stone to the gills I tell you motherfuckers that I sat the hospital seven hours sober no football you didn't watch football there was no no they didn't move us into the TV room you know access room the time they moved me into the TV room there was eight minutes left in the game oh those are two good games to you miss it well you know what what a lot of people what's going on with Ray Lewis talk to me because you know he's retiring how old is probably close to 40 I think he's like late 30s looks great yeah he's been in the

league for like 20 years he he tore his bicep or tricep one of those and he they thought he might come back this year and he he practiced before the playoffs but he just decided he's 40 he wants to go on a high note and I'm mad I have a lot of shit that yeah remember all that shit that went down one of me stabbed the dude oh yeah they threw him in jail how great was that nobody ever opened their mouth oh really actually I didn't I heard the story but I didn't I wasn't know the whole deal I don't think anybody opened his mouth yeah he didn't he didn't go to jail for a long time for it no no no he stayed out he paid the

attorney and nobody stayed in there for a while then I don't remember gotta read up on it yeah I don't remember that shit how much time people do it's fucking embarrassing that's but it was great whatever happened he stabbed it through a nightclub after the Zubo that's the best time to stab somebody if you're gonna fucking take him to the hoop you might as well get him you know what I'm saying happy new year cock sucker Monday morning for you people ain't watching it's 9 p.m. here on the west coast smoking fucking reefer like a motherfucker and on the east coast it's midnight you motherfuckers are passed out it's over

that's it the holiday season's over and I gotta tell you listen guys I'm gonna be as honest I can with you my wife has been home since December 16th you know the last time I had somebody home was when I was in the fucking 7th grade that's the last time I had somebody at home with a daytime really I gotta tell you you have no idea how hard it is when you work from home and you're used to being alone at home and now somebody's a fucking home one day you know it took me two weeks just to write a note a day time and you don't have your office anymore either no they still bother they took everything from me they took it all I'm like fucking

noriator they took it all no they took everything from me I got a little fucking corner and I'm gonna get an office I'm done I'm getting an office yeah are you going to I gotta disappear listen well the economy is fucking horrible they got offices in the corner got a couple Armenian dentists selling nickel bags out of there they got some tattoo chick you go in there they got to get some back little fucking offices you go back there what can they cause you 300 a month yeah 400 a fucking month that's 100 a week for peace of mind you understand me I bring the computer I get the fucking notebook I get the pen I get a little reefer I get

a fucking nothing you know and I write when you're sitting you meditate you stretch a little bit you know I'm a big stretcher you're gonna stretch in an office yeah it's nice to stretch when you're right man you fucking stretch you make a note you stretch you fucking stretch that's what yoga is about your breathe and all of a sudden you're gonna go take a shot boom you get a fucking left hook and you get an idea dog come on okay the fuck you think you're dealing with some novice here Lee Lee Leland talk to me about New England talk to me the viewers want to know first off listen I took them down to the Joe Rogan show the

chick was waiting there was two broads no fucking poor kid guys called me 18 times on the way there now you know what I know he was gonna hook up with this nice girl and boss and I didn't want to hurt her feelings and embarrass her you can't she don't want to fuck who wants to kiss somebody after some fucking chick farted in your fucking face even though this chick's cute and she might go for it so but I didn't want to do that to Lee so we called off the dogs Lee was nervous Stan Hope was there with the fucking suit on but by the way was a great show kudos to Joe Rogan for putting that fucking show together he called me like eight times saying he was walking around

floating on fucking clouds and so was I I really was when you look up and you see a bunch of fucking people looking down at you you feel like Russell Claude gladiator you know or he needs a black guy with a ball in the fucking chain and you're thinking this motherfucker to the hoop jack so that was a great night but no I wanted you to go to Boston so talk to me about the seven days it was great it was it was nice to see my family and the girl and go to the Patriots game with enby leaf girl thank you very much it was awesome um thank you for the president believe girl yeah my daughter beautiful little moosa Toronto maple even and then she got me a little teddy bear that's very cute that's my friend but uh you said something to me when I told you I was going and I

told you when I got back that it was absolutely true for anyone who's moved away I've been gone from Boston for two years now and I love Boston I love it but being home for that week it was like I wasn't home anymore I was like missing LA I was like fuck I didn't think I liked LA but being in Boston I was like shit I think I always love Boston but when you're when you live somewhere for two years that's home now it really is weird that uh you grew up loving your area you grew up loving your fucking neighborhood what you're all about you love it yeah one day something happens and listen you look at people who have left and come back and you ask them questions that was my big big pet peeve anybody who I heard moved away and came back for a year

I would always ask them hey man you know why did you fucking leave uh California why did you leave Arizona what made you come back and they hit you with some lame fucking answer which you know wasn't the truth yeah and I always knew at a young age that I I didn't fucking know I wanted to get the fuck when I was a kid and I watched ABC yeah when I was a kid there used to be the after school movie at 430 so it was always a fucking movie there's a movie at 430 every fucking day that's awesome it was like a cartoon and then uh dark shadows from 4 to 430 okay with the original Barnabas Collins throwing heat like a motherfucker a white vampire slinging dick black chicks Puerto Ricans he was like Mick Jagger in fucking 81 and then it was the uh the afternoon movie you

know about steroids uh some bully kid who got beat up and there was something that you did holy shit I forgot what I was talking about oh ABC so when you watch the commercials they would say tonight at eight o'clock you know they would say whatever the show and then they would go and nine o'clock uh mountain and Pacific and I would sit there and then look into this you know in those days you don't have to fucking compute it you got to rip in the cyclopedia out of the you learned about the time zones and you're like you know you understood the pacific time zone and you understood the mid medium or whatever they call it yeah it's eastern midwest and whatever but you never understood the mountain it always dazzled me and there was two places that always

fucked with my mind was Colorado and then uh when I was a kid one year uh one of the basketball championships went to Seattle Jack Sigma and all those motherfuckers were up there in Seattle with Henry Hill slinging dope I don't know if that's true but at that time they had a great team uh I don't know what year the Seattle SuperSonics were in the finals against I think it was the Washington Bullets at that time with tremendous fucking team West Unsell was the Senate so I always was intrigued by the mountains and I was intrigued by Seattle how come the Seattle's since Seattle was so high how come so I always wanted to go to the fucking mountains so when I had the opportunity I had a friend that lived in Aspen I said fuck it I might as well go out there if I

thought if I don't like it I'll always come back they're guys from my grammar school but I knew so I'm in good hands you follow me yeah but I remember coming back like buying you know that's when I robbed a bunch of houses in Colorado and I came back and I had some hash and I had some cash put away my buddy had robbed some jewelry and he gave it to me to take back and sell it and I remember going back to North Bergen and my friend's taking me and put taking me going to say Scarface but then taking me back into the neighborhood and me going it was only a year apartly but I remember going back to these neighborhoods and going hmm things that you know like a level that year a level of the bar chains it wasn't the same guys that were in there when I was growing up it was a

younger crowd or at that time there were more cokey people was nothing more and I remember going back going this ain't the fucking same place and I got caught in it and I ended up there for a year and I left and I didn't go back for maybe 11 years and I remember going back and going wow this isn't even what I remember and the more you go back you'll stay less and less yeah last year I stayed 10 days this week I stayed this time I stayed a week I think next time would be like five days it's just the flights that the Jew and me doesn't want to pay $500 and only be there for two days you listen man but you get deals you gotta get you gotta fucking go early in the year and get deals you know you gotta look in there American Airlines you gotta take all your miles yeah I don't

have any I just flew American yeah you gotta sign up that's your treat a fucking sign up and you sign up and you become part of something you know you just fly you're gonna start flying soon you know little flights of Vegas I mean you're the fucking flying Jew how the fuck ain't you flying you're the motherfucking flying Jew and this motherfucker I'm trying man but no I had I had roast myself both ways I was like holy shit I gotta give some shout outs happy new year that bunch of motherfuckers out there I got since I'm in Lee's office now these are different fucking shields these are my intellectual ones the ones I wear the fucking Starbucks and lie to people I tell them to suck my dick and all that shit you know sometimes the other ones are my goggles I

like those at the house oh those are my jacks sigmas you follow me but uh what was I gonna go oh I want to give some shout outs to you little motherfucker for starters there's a girl on Facebook she got like I don't know 8 000 friends Jill Himmutsu okay she does all she got a web page and she puts debt squads schedule on there like Ari's myself Duncan's Berkreich's Joe Rogan's listen do me a favor get on fucking Twitter right now go to Jill Himmutsu follow her because she's gonna start getting inside information you follow me about debt squad she's gonna be the the the copper regime she's gonna be the the underboss between us and the different chapters of debt squad we're gonna make this fucking big guys it's all over the shot we're waiting for fucking Irish

we're getting Puerto Ricans in here it's over you're done take the flag down it's oh no so she's gonna have like you know raffles and give away whatever the fuck we're doing she's gonna have inside information Jill Himmutsu she's like Gemma son's anarchy you know so give her some love Jeremy my man up in Snowmass Village who contacted me with some chick I robbed 35 fucking years ago Luke Monahan at the gym Cassius Morris kissed the 13 year old little dude who does the podcast Scott Meyer was in North Bergen driving a tuck Tony Soprano I love you Dan Berzkowski Lucas banana always around and Ash Anderson and my Puerto Rican aris a bar and my MMA soldier the week Duke motherfucking Rufus I might have that savage motherfucker call up next week and a special

shout out to honor them trying to get my man Aubrey to call him to let you know what's going on next year in 2013 this motherfucking year what's happening and I gotta tell you I did an experiment you know I'm a fucking I talk a lot of shit people I get high I giggle but I'm anal and Lee knows I have everything on a notebook you know Lee knows yeah that I try to write shit down so I'm prepared for people it's very important and I started taking the honor vitamins and I started making a log and I started seeing how many times I was working out a week and how I was feeling really yeah I wanted to see how the strong bone worked and guys I'm a different fucking man I got to a flying sidekick now I'm doing switch kicks and fucking kickboxing you know and this is because

my feet don't hurt and I gotta tell you fat man alert fat man motherfucking alert because I told you cock suckers I was gonna happen and I'm embarrassed I went to Weight Watch as I gained eight fucking pounds over the holidays you know why and I worked out like a savage I did a little experiment I worked out like a savage I ain't gonna lie I stopped over there by the fucking Mexican dude where I took Lee Lee talk to these people tell him where your uncle Joey took care of one in the fucking morning and listen since I left Jersey so help me God I never eat at night even when my man Rogan's like dog let's go out and eat at night it fucking kills me because he knows I gotta keep it light at night because I'm addicted to night eating when I was a kid in Jersey

we go to the Berkshire Diner always had hair in your food but who gives a fuck it's three in the morning it could either be a pussy or a grilled cheese sandwich eat that motherfucker you know what stop me anyway uh the Berkshire I used to get the open steak sandwich with the creamer turkey soup all Lee they give you a toast with steak on it and the gravy from the steak would melt on your toast with steak fries who you think you're fucking dealing with that's like 9 000 calories though when I moved to Colorado I stopped eating at night because they didn't know what to go with two in the morning yeah but you know me and Lee were coming back from a mission where we're coming back from the end of the world show the end of the world show that's right we're coming back and

I go Lee I'm gonna turn you out to summer crossing the ha ha on that corner under the fucking back car lot there you can't see it if you're a regular person you gotta be stoned gotta be stoned tell them Lee if I'm bullseye oh they were hiding they were like you gotta be stoned you'll see them in the corner two Mexican couple and they don't give a fuck they stay out there from about 11 30 to get started but by one those hot dogs are on fire oh they got these hot dogs and they wrap them with fucking bacon and while that's cooking they got these little pork tacos and these little and and listen between you and I these are all Dolce approved and they got these fucking it's in the back of the book and a shout out to my man Mikey Dolce and uh and uh uh uh what was it

oh and they got the tacos and yeah the fucking then they got a table with and uh like peeking the guy oh and shit's fucking tremendous nobody knows and it's not like just grilled hot dogs or oil or steamed oh god I'm I'm I'm stoned out I want to go get them they're on the griddle so they get really crispy and the bacon's wrapped around them so the bacon gets crunchy and they they they they uh grill the bun and he put he put mustard on it I wouldn't put the pico de gallo on it and he put um sauteed onions oh bad guys who the fuck you think you're dealing with here if you're gonna go heavy at night go heavy don't waste your time with Taco Bell or you're gonna make a sandwich at Rob's go fuck your mother if you're gonna go heavy go heavy

you gotta go deep you know what I'm saying deep you gotta get like two hot dogs at the other night not only got a hot dog tell me yeah but the best part was you when you got in you parked illegally you parked by the red you didn't care who gives a fuck it's 130 I'm stopping and the best part was we you took a bite you looked at me I we looked at each other like who do you think you're messing with you like you like if you want to get fat come with Joey come on we didn't even talk it was just so good fat man a little I don't fuck around dog if you're a fat dude you listen I might even raffle off like an evening with Joey Diaz brief uh fucking parachutes will go we eat I'm done I'll find these little nooks in the walls that'll net that'll and that's

what you want to eat you don't want to eat what he's fucking moosey what the fuck you want to eat what he's fucking zambos eat because you're gonna end up looking like these fucking zambos that's you're gonna end up doing everybody wants to go to the hotspot you gotta there's a place I ain't even gonna say but my house uh to hunger the fucking piles of people show up out there piles of fucking uh goys show up out there aka was for fucking uh white people right these fucking walls and they stand on line at this place so last week my wife is pregnant as fuck so the daytime she gets urges you understand she wants to go get fucking tea or whatever and got profits there excuse me and uh anyway and you fucking go down there and she orders

in the next day my wife is cool as fuck listen if anybody's a food critic I'm gonna fucking say something Lee I'm looking for something to criticize when I go to a restaurant so I don't have to go back there again this place I've got in there for coffee that's you know it's okay coffee's fucking coffee you know yeah it's two dollars it's whatever you fucking pay for coffee but coffee's coffee usually I just go to 711 and get that columbian bold let me tell you something you drink a cup of that fucking columbian bold and you get back a fuck red bull I was telling me I had an A ball a blow and I was tired as fuck I was on a movie set and I never forget that we had to change locations so I drank two fucking red bulls back to back like a soldier

and I fell asleep for an hour no you didn't yes I did yes I fucking did she did an A ball coke which is supposed to wake you up I started to do coke like at 9 30 and I ended the blow like at two in the morning and I slept like from 3 30 to maybe like uh six and I had to drive to Pasadena for like a 7 a.m. call and like we had to shoot like a scene at the cemetery then we had to move on and when we moved on I drank two red bulls I go people they drink the red bull drink two of my fucking past Jesus it's just a fucking abit was like I said if you want to stay up you gotta do a fucking geniesle me I don't know I can't even fucking stay up normally yeah you could have been early oh you wake up so early oh I go to fuck I get ferociously stoned I will hit that vapor

pen so the fucking vapor is done and then it's just it's elementary so let me tell you the report on my wife right now before I came in to G's Lee's flaming fucking jubas I love this place I love it you're a nice place thank you very much no you have a nice place Lee when I met Lee was living in a shack next to these fucking people they were making meth yeah it's amazing it's amazing it's amazing he hated it because they had hookers down the block and Lee you never eat one of those fucking you never took a moment stabbed them no well because you said you said you said that a lot of them were probably transvestite so I didn't want to take a chance that's even better they suck your dick you have transvestite have a fucking snuck on your fucking pole oh that guy could

their mouths are cold like a motherfucker that sounds terrible what are you smiling when you think I'm just fucking with you I don't have any other transvestite suck my dick that's disgusting I thought about it in Vegas that one that she wasn't a transvestite she's a transsexual that's the one that showed me and Rogan her fucking snatch hole with that she had like artificial turf around the Riviera oh my god that was hysterical that's horrible that's horrible and even when you look at somebody and go maybe like if I would have had an eight ball to blow that man I would let her suck my dick him whatever with the weight really oh yeah and I would have practiced an on-bar on him or something like that who gives a fuck it's January 7th so before I came

in here I called my wife and I get to my her girlfriend's there and I could tell I know my wife my wife don't tap for nothing she was telling me the contractions sorry about that the contractions were getting worse that uh she was gonna call me tonight when her friend left and see where I was at and I'm ready to go I'm ready to go it's amazingly I'm fucking ready to go I didn't want this for the last uh guys uh I'm not excited but fuck the last time I got excited was when I went to see fucking Julia serving on Christmas day you know 1983 that's the last time I got excited fun who gets what what's the fuck fun fucking fun and I'll tell you the last uh six months I'm having a great time with yeah I just go for the last three weeks I said it in a way but like I said I've gained

eight pounds and I feel we eat fucking all day oh you have to with her you have to yeah and she's only gained fucking 40 pounds it's just an stomach yeah she's looking at it tonight she looks great so god bless her and uh it's it's amazing what I'm feeling right now at 50 I'm gonna be 50 and fucking uh you know 35 days or something like that are you fucking kidding me Lee insurance I got two different insurance I never thought I was gonna be alive you know I haven't made it yet to 50 but let's let's who are you kidding who the fuck are you kidding yeah this is uh hey listen when I was a kid and I got that girl pregnant we were married and we got divorced that that was you know I was thinking about it today and then when I was with my wife and I remember all these crazy stories

the only story I remember from that girl giving birth was me fighting with our neighbor fistfighting and the cops showed up that's it I don't remember going I remember going to the hospital and being upset because I wasn't taking college courses and had to do a term paper that Monday and here I had to help deliver this kid I went down like three times it was just a fucking afternoon from hell but a family lived there and uh I don't remember anything from that I remember all simple shit like that I remember baptism me and her brother-in-law got high in the bathroom downstairs in the church I remember that that we were wreaking like reefer and I mean I was out of my fucking mind I was out of my fucking mind how old were you somewhere around my age right 20 late 20s she was born in 1990

so I was 27 years old that's three years away from me holy crap and you know what I don't remember any of that shit and I today when I was taking a shower before I came over I was thinking to myself how out of my mind I was at that time like I was out of my mind like when I had that kid I expected everything to change like I expected the pieces just to fall because this is how life works out you have a kid and this kid makes you change makes you stop snowing coke makes you stop carrying a gun makes you stop acting like an asshole to people it fucking made me crazier it made me fucking crazy because you had just got out of prison didn't you yeah I got out I got out from the halfway house and she was being born Jesus so my relationship with that poor woman was

damaged you know what I what I did now with this woman and what I did before before the baby was even born was miles apart that's how crazy I was guys miles fucking apart miles apart it's a fucking shame and then because of that scar that I had from acting the other way I'm a fucking animal in the back of my mind I've always thought I was an animal because I didn't react to that situation I didn't react to how I thought a man should react when the woman has your child she was my fucking wife at Christ's till today I don't have the balls to call over there like that's how bad the situation was like yeah I won't talk to my daughter now until you know and I you think I'm happy that I'm having a new daughter and I don't talk to my butt what are you doing I don't want to

cause a war right now you know yeah what's a fucking war and meanwhile I'm looking at the Israel really what do you got for me what music you got for your uncle Joey and she got gin and juice oh shit a little snoop dog and stuff let me tell you something hold on before you put that on guys do me a favor he's on the G network have you ever seen a snoop dog show he's a show like an internet show holy shit a podcast with a G network or something so the other day somebody sends me a link of him with the guys from sons of anarchy oh no the guy that always goes yes the crazy guy that he raises pit bulls fat Elvis Bobby and uh jacks jacks teller and they're over there let me tell you something the whole time they're there snoop dog is smoking like he owns

a fucking dispensary do you understand he probably does and he's changing outfits in between the fucking joints and he's got the guys with sons of anarchy he's sparking them up and he's goofing it is hilarious it is amazing to me that this guy I love him you got a respect for me like snoop dog because you know why he's doing what the fuck you want he even changed his name to snoop lion oh I saw that Jesus so he's sitting there and he's smoking this thing and he goes when you come he goes which one of these could roll and he fucking is ripping up a blunt paper right and it goes to commercial with these black chicks with bikinis fucking amazing this show and all of a sudden it goes back and the blunt the one guy from sons anarchy the guy that always raises his hand and

votes and says yeah whatever uh says he could roll and he's talking about his pit bull he has a pit bull organization that each month they go to switch to different charities for different pit bulls and whatnot and all of a sudden they switched to snoop dog he's got a fucking bond with goggles on right and it's trapped him oh like a gas mask like a gas mask I haven't smoked the gas mask since I was I think my 16th birthday up in my attic and in those days you rolled the joint where's that joint dog would you finish it no we did not finish it you were fucking around with it oh I know where it is cocksucker I know where it is and you had to put the joint this thing and screw it on light it and put it into this thing yeah and blow it at yourself oh and then

my one buddy had the thing that you put on with the goggles but then they developed it but they didn't know how to not fucking get the smoke in your eyes so you're in there you're blinking it's like somebody jizzing your fucking eyeball hit it Lee a little fucking gin and juice for you cocksuckers here I respect for snooping dog oh shit happy new year motherfuckers oh shit Lee do a little wiggle for a good job come on I haven't seen you wiggle come on baby you tickled me I was getting oh you were carrying the boxes I had a box and he lived on the top of a huge staircase and he was tickling me and I almost fell down the stairs that was the point cocksucker we were to collect the video the fuck is the insurance who's gonna sue the huh what do I have to follow

the scan three fucking people who's better than go Joe and what do I want a measly 10 point it snoop what kick a little something for the cheese and make a few wins as I breathe Lee with the new head to he looks like fucking Sierra Sierra you know what that is Lee now spark that leave bro holy shit what smoke in uh look at this the fucking Israeli flag representing cocksuckers what Lee what are you doing I tell you this smoke one hit you smoke 15 look at this I gave my joint look at it gives me back where's the snoop dog oh shit one more look do a little wiggle fun good job oh shit shake shake it fun good I smoked out of a gravity bomb when I was home it was like a bucket full of water

and they had like a half a soda can or half soda bottle and you like lifted it up in the soda like an entire two liter filled up with smoke and you just push it down and I got fucking stoned and it was Boston weed so what like it's not necessarily great weed but fuck but you know what let me tell you something about three years ago I went to Philly I think with Ari and Joe and somebody gave us a joint that looked like a fucking missile and we smoked on the car right over there we smoked half and we were mummified there's good weed at some places it just you know and so don't write that weed oh somebody could have grown listen there's college kids that are growing shit now that'll fucking put hair on your eyeballs that's the that's the plan lily

lily lint so when are you gonna see your little girl again did you fall a lot of talk to us most of the viewers at home I know she's great I think she's very cute yeah yeah you're a lucky dude Lee how big is your dick how big is that fucking helmet of yours you little that little fucking juicester big enough I don't know that's the name of the place the juicester the juicester you tickling me now asking me how big my dick is I don't know if I want you in my house now no cuz you're a handsome fucking dude but this chick's banging yeah animal magnetism you told me you sent her a picture you and a bikini I don't know what the fuck happened no and I didn't tickle you like I was holding you down with my nuts acting your face don't say it like this what happened

was he was carrying a fucking box I was carrying a table and he stand there like a fucking mummy that he is looking around to see what the weather's like before you walk down the stairs so I went to tickle him he jumped let me tell you something the last thing you want to do is jump in front of me when they fucking poke you you got people like a soldier you're not gonna give me your fucking tell when you didn't really like you just like kind of like grazed in like oh no no I'm a professional tickler I'll stick that I'll stick that finger right in your fucking tickle zone right here and the other one it'll puncture one of your little ribs and your little spare ribs are nice you know I'm saying so I pulled and you didn't you should have seen his face turn red are you stoned right

now you gotta get together dog you really gotta get together I have it together did you borrow the fucking Israeli flag this moment when I put it up yeah every day yeah I used to I didn't have it up in my last place but that's the fucking I'm the flying joy I have to have it up now so yeah I gotta go down to uh I might have to go to Hollywood tonight is that why you why do you have to go to Hollywood because that's where the baby's at oh I thought I was up in the valley okay no no it's in Hollywood so I'm gonna have to go down there tonight and uh do this and that's it I just wanted to do a podcast I'm excited for you yeah you'll put this up uh tomorrow morning I can have it up tonight your league your now when do you go back to work tomorrow night oh shit and I have direct

tv coming tomorrow morning and then I like I'm trying to I have I've put most of my place together but for anyone who moved it's fucking sucks so I'm gonna have it together by like the end of the week and uh but yeah I'm excited I'm ready to go back fucking everything's expensive so I need to go back to work it is when you move you don't know what what you go for and you had movies you're a big shot oh fuck it's someone I thought you had your friends from well the other is gonna fuck that I said that on facebook juice even when I was broke in college I always hired movers two three hundred bucks I'm not fucking I was on the third floor my last place I'm on the third floor here and I have heavy shit I'm not doing nothing and and the girl texted me and the movers were an hour

late and she said so why don't you help them so you can't see you won't pay as much I said I'm paying 90 dollars an hour I'm not doing shit so they moved there I didn't I didn't move a thing fuck that you're a bad now what happens if you move something you slip you know you're not thinking about the big picture who am I gonna sue if I'm moving my stuff and I slip you see the you tell me there's no lights in the hallway or whatever the fuck you you know you got a cousin who's a fucking lawyer or somebody your fucking family's gotta be you're a syat get it together that's true you're a fucking syat your shit your jimmy runs deep back to the fucking hills of israel your people were there when they were playing the bongos jesus 12th birthday so if my baby's born

it's gonna be tomorrow which is uh it's a cuban christmas to march it's a is it really yeah it's it's cuban and a couple it's christmas and a couple different religions tomorrow in different ways of life as they say yeah so I don't think we talked about that how you put the volume up to see if somebody calls I have it ready don't you you ready to go all right yeah because I don't know if he's on the call right now oh there you go see I'm saying you're fucking happy new year my brother joey how you doing good man i'm happy that you're calling the rumors me is my main man lisa yat on the phone is the uh the man the mayan the president of mayans my brother millie revered thank you very much for calling how you doing papa i'm doing good but i gotta be on with

you man oh it was a pretty good thing to do oh yeah man i wanted to talk to you for a long time but i wanted to wait for the season to be able what's been going on with you i know you you were going away for a few days yeah you know i've been i've been working with you know you know we're always pretty cool i did a few commercials this past few months did about four of them i still got busy like that and i did a few movies last year and they're all coming out this year now so it's you know it's been a good time man it was um it's been been working so it's been nice you know and i took too much off um spend that time with the family so it was good man real good good for you amir you look good you look healthy on tv you look beautiful you the nation if they remake zootsu

it's all over hey now it's a system vehicle but in the night and whether you know you're still a sharp thank you joey thank you you know when i called you your day i i asked you also beside doing the podcast if you wanted to get on stage because a lot of people don't know that's how i met you yeah but at the ice house right 18 years ago joey yeah that was a long time ago you were a young guy i was still old i was 50 then i'll be 52 next month brother you don't say what the same time yeah i'm 50 i'm 50 next month on february 19th oh yeah i'm february 24 brother i think you're julia's erving's birthday too isn't dr j on that day he's like the 22nd that's like a good week to have a birthday oh yeah man this is i didn't know you that was your birthday book yeah it was 18 years

ago we met brother yeah man so that that's uh and when it was standing up so i you know i asked him i said if you ever want to come to one of the shows i'd love for you to do whatever you got you know the middle call bag is like i got 15 i don't give a f*** if you got eight minutes you're a funny dude whatever you always got an open invite people don't know that that's how we met you know and you went on to do great things i mean uh collateral's been on all month and i watch it till that part oh thank you bro i watch it till that part yeah no that's that's actually how how how it all got started though because acting thing you know and uh um meeting you out there meeting on you know meeting with anyone and they got a got a good guys and Carlos Maccio was pretty coming up as well

and um it was a lot of good times man and uh but now i mean every time i call you joe you know uh whenever i need to do a show i need to raise some money for somebody that you know they couldn't you know bury their family members you know you've always been their former bro i mean can you call me i called you family you would always be the you never forgot me as a friend and i dig that so i didn't see him for you brother you know what i'm saying oh you're a solid dude i got excited when i see you i'm gonna see a real man i'm gonna talk to a real f***ing man for for an hour yeah well that's that's that's what it is brother it's because i know you you you just a old school old school good mother f***er bro you know what i'm saying and that is

hard to find out because it really is yeah when i see your auditions i see you out i know that for five minutes or 10 minutes i'm gonna talk to somebody who's gonna tell me how the f*** it is and i'm gonna leave that feeling happy and i know i know i'm hearing some real stuff but i know i'm also gonna be laughing like a mother f***er but because they're telling what you bro you learn something but at the same time i can't stop laughing and i come home to the old lady and i got taller and you told me because it's just funny bro i mean you just uh you just uh you're you're one of the best out there but i'm really i'm really proud of you every time i see you uh hey you put a smile on my face bro you need to hear your voice when i put a smile on my face

i tell you what made my day uh you know i would come home you know you're busy at night amelio i expect you know you're busy in the daytime my nighttime life can be to be a good comedian as much as i gotta be out during the week doing those 10 minute sets to try out new s*** so i gotta be out early in these little valley rooms and s*** so i miss tv and my wife told me for like a year you know your buddy's on this sons anarchy about motorcycle guys and you know what the reason why i wouldn't watch that first because when i went to prison the guy that rolled on me was the biker the dude who was the tough dude who was rolling with the f***ing whatever out of colorado he had the pit bull and the convertible and he had the tattoos he's the one that rolled on me the guy

i kidnapped didn't even roll on me oh is that right yeah the last thing i wanted to do was a f***ing biker so i heard dad wow that's that's that's a trip yeah so i watched the show one day and i fell in love i fell in love with your carrot i fell in love with with jack so i fell in love with the old man with jemma and uh i started tweeting about it like i was the season premiere every tuesday i would wake up and say you know tie your woman and put a money in her asshole sons anarchy's on oh no we you know what you know but i gotta be honest with you bro every time the show comes out on tuesday every tuesday i always look for your treat for the day for sons anarchy because it's always f***ing on that yeah i would do it just a mess of people and i found out that so many people

watch that show and then i come on the podcast and do wednesday as we cover it and people would f***ing send emails joey stop spoiler alert say it because you're ruining the show for us so dawg you turned me on to a great show i love your carrot i love everything on the show and smith everybody was good this year you know uh now you guys are gonna start moving blow for the f***ing for pope or whatever's going on so i'll see you a lot next year so i'm really happy man you know that that's why i just wanted you on the show to talk about oh yeah you know it's not it's been a mess i'm not i write in real life we know we're joey you know me so i'm getting paid a ride and uh it is a lot of fun but you know and um but in fact i'm still alive you

know so we're coming back on next season six and uh let's see what happens man i mean the last year going down right now but uh again we're winding down you know it's almost coming to an end so you know motherfuckers are going to be dying but you know sand is going to be more every year gets more exciting exciting you know yeah i was watching something that at first uh i guess the network okay if they kill somebody every four episodes it was okay now i guess you kill four people every episode exactly the second the second voted and i'm most i mean show ever on tv bro so it's pretty cool man you know now this year the numbers are really high like really f***ing high right the numbers were highest uh for any any effects show ever bro you know i mean you know

and i think it's just gonna get built from there you know like a lot of people that really get into it right now are buying the first season and all the way to catching up till now you know and a lot of people are caught up now brother and joey for season six you know which is good for us you know no i watched everything this year i watched every wednesday and now i watched season one on dvd and i ordered two and three from amazon the other day and i'm waiting on that because i need to watch them now like i'm gonna have the baby tomorrow morning tonight later tomorrow so uh they said that you know congratulations on that joey thank you for the first time right now i love that yeah and they said that you sit with your baby and you go on your chest when they're

really young so uh a friend of mine jim jeffreys was telling me to put the baby on your chest and he goes you have a lot of dead time so pick a tv show and watch all the episodes or something so i'm looking forward to seeing them again you know board bro do you know yet i'm gonna have a girl bro my family that's all oh man forget about you she's gonna be spoiled brother that's you're gonna that's gonna be your little queen brother yeah what are you gonna do you know i got a second chance to be a father so i gotta really uh work hard and uh you know i mean you gotta figure i'm gonna be 50 what's the average lifespan 74 of a man and that's what the guy does jumping jacks every day i used to eat pussy and snort coke and you know i got off the track

for a little while so you got to figure out on like maybe 68 71 but you know what bro i'm taking care of myself now so let's see what happens if god wants you know especially happen to who what happened especially well what happened to who what happened to uh what is yeah you see you take your team carry yourself better now especially after what happened to somebody oh no no i didn't mean it like that did i say okay okay okay no no no oh we got it but i mean we're getting at that age we're uh i mean you guys are taking care of everything i mean i'm trying to watch what i eat but i love my cheese brothers but i love my cheese burgers and fries and my old lady's always trying to take that shit away from me but damn it you know i just i just ate a whole whole right now you

know i'm saying you know it's already fucking i didn't know how you're fucking whole every night you know what's a whole a chocolate thing with the cream inside yeah that's that's my favorite thing but i say i gotta have one of those a night every night and you work out every day all right a few times a week brother i would not maybe do cardio like tomorrow i come out of the regimen that my my son was off for 20 days from school he goes back to school the monster the regimen starts all over again you know up to montany we got a little here by running canyon hollywood okay so we run that up you know so that's pretty good you know that he did cardio as we get older but just more cardio anything else you know i mean yeah i started kickboxing

to just and this guy kills us i had to start doing it like six seven weeks ago and i love it and that's why i'm pissed off because i gained eight pounds over the holidays how the fuck i got me jumping up and down there three times a week i've been going to one yoga and i've been lifting one day a week how the fuck did i gain eight fucking pounds so my wife is for you brother that that kickboxing he can do with it no that kind of enough sports i mean as far as uh unboxing kickboxing that are graphing it's the best for you brother you work out everything you know i can't do that jiu-jitsu shit in my back i can't i can't breathe on my back i got sleep apnea my nose is always clogged you know every once in a while i haven't done a line in five years but

every once in a while and my nose gets clogged up i can't fucking figure it out that shit was when i didn't blow now it's tremendously fucking clean so that's it brother i'm just trying to put it together yeah good yeah but i'm happy you called up tonight man you're always a good dude and i'm a big fan of your work and uh i love you melio you you're solid i love you but i love you you joey you fucking uh you you got so much energy we go on stage you i could have a bad night brother and once you're on stage you just pick it all up again you know i'm saying i mean you put me in a good fucking mood you fucking make me laugh to my stomach which is a good thing because it's hard for me to come that's just so much so many comics bro sometimes i get stuck on youtube and

just in the comics i can laugh my ass off you know me too i do the same thing just just when you go on stage you know it's gonna be cool you know i mean i do that so i look forward to working with you again brother you know i'll see you soon but but i'm happy you called in tonight and help me out i love you and happy new year to you and looking forward to sons man you let me know anytime anytime when you want to talk and we'll talk brother okay from everybody you know same thank you brother thank you very much for calling up tonight yeah we a congratulations on the baby and good luck tomorrow bro and i'll give you a big hug for for me you got it i'll give you a call over the week thank you for doing this man you gotta bring your time bye

so there you go oh shit oh shit that's how we do it i'm fucking you know so i'm happy i'm happy you called me a little because i was ready to cancel when i got home i looked at the cats and i was like you know what i gotta reply to emails i gotta do this and i got my wife i tell you what you know what man uh nobody wants to be in the hospital i'm fucking alone overnight no i'm gonna go back to the house now and see what the situation is i'm gonna call her and see what she has to say and then uh from there i might sleep four or five hours because i know i won't get a good night's rest i'll clean up feed them hang out with them for a while i'll eat like rice checks i'll eat at the house because that hospital food is fucking hard and i'm sure it's a long fucking walk

so it's not even worth the aggravation and uh hopefully i'll give birth to my daughter overnight you know and uh congratulations to me and i was i wanted to ask you before you called how how much of the Cuban stuff are you gonna have in her life are you gonna do it i'll tell you what man listen plain and simple when uh and i'll say it right out when i was a kid i i was fucking ashamed you know when i came to this country my mother put me in an area that was all fucking white you know thank god that our first bar was by black people it was 127th and autobahn and i think about that part of my life all the fucking time because it humbled me you know even though we lived on 205 west 88 stream we had a doorman and all our neighbors were white we could mail our letters

in the hallway and you know all this shit you know i had to go to that fucking uh death hole every day but those black people kept me humble jasper motherfucking williams if he's still alive get reach out to reach out to me dog and uh uh it was just all that oh what was the question how how much of the Cuban so my mother would always yell out the window uh my name ho santonia yeah and i wouldn't react to it i swear to god i wouldn't react to it and then she would call me cocoa and then she would call me tony or something and i'd react to those two names and i wouldn't and she talked to me in spanish and it would drive me fucking crazy yeah and i would ask her don't talk to me in spanish you know and then she says in my house we're gonna

talk spanish outside yeah i speak english but in the house and you know what today i'm happy she beat me to fuck up but i'm happy i speak two languages you're like joy well what has it ever done for you tons it makes my mind fucking work because i can't believe that i still kept it after all these years yeah i still kept it really fluent for a couple years there after my mother died i didn't keep it fluent at all i think like from uh 85 to like 90 i didn't speak spanish at all it was fucking crazy i met the cubans in 90 in bolder uh this cuban family the feebles is i still talk to danie juny goes for all my shows in bolder but for and i'm proud i'm proud that i speak i spoke spanish i'm proud that i picked up a couple cillian terms and words growing up you

know i understood what the cillians were saying i grew up with so many uh italians that i picked up the dialects you know the ones that are from the north the ones that are from cisley the ones that are from palermo the ones so you pick up the different dialects the more south the more spanish it sounds okay it's really interesting the more south they are to me the more like naples up north it sounded a little harder to me but if i could pick up or focus on one or two of the words so the deal that i came up with in my wife is this i'm gonna talk to her in spanish i'm gonna talk to her in as much spanish as i can so she has to think about it and react back to me and talk to me in spanish i have that's my native language i have to talk to

her she has to understand it i i i i i i meet a lot of spanish people who are dynamite people and they don't know the language and it drives me crazy like your parents didn't talk to you in spanish my fucking parents were fucking losers and they spoke to me in spanish yeah you're following me my parents weren't like they didn't go to a counselor and sit there with a psychiatrist to say what's best for your fucking kid you know that we give him a pill you know what if i would have lived in this area right now as a kid like not this area if i would have lived in this time life like if i would have been 13 if i would have been 10 in 2013 i would have been on fucking a walking stick walking with 22 pills dissolving into my arms okay these kids that they

prescribe medications until they call them crazy yeah or psychiatry i know fucking kids and i know what it would is to be a kid that's fucking the range i'm fucking gonna be 50 i'm still fucking the range so you know when you see a kid and you've been fucked up you know it is to be fucked up and a lot of these kids that they got going these doctors and all these shit aren't fucked up i don't believe that a 13 year old should be talking to a fucking psychiatrist i think a parent should be talking to a fucking 13 year old about what's really cracking like and now i wasn't raised under that uh scrutiny of my counselors or my mother wasn't that involved but at the house she was very fucking hands on i mean i caught my last fucking smack to the mountain i was 15 or something like

that didn't hesitate in my fucking house no but uh you know i would have been if i would have been 10 in 2013 i would have been walking around with a guy next to me with a dog walking around with a mass like Hannibal Lecter with an ivy and me fucking walking back and forth with a psychiatrist fucking throwing needles at me and shit and what and once my mother flipped and gone oh from 15 to 17 you know come on from 15 to 19 you know you made an interesting point before about leaving and coming back i left jersey not when things were down i left jersey when things were on fire i left jersey when you could make a thousand a week just walking around being you never mind if you had two and two to put together there was always a truck down low or a job to get or cases

something or selling fucking an ounce of blow there was always something to fucking do yeah and i had to fucking collect unemployment and having your friends do get you in a union and all this shit one day somebody came to me and something and i just knew that if i stayed in that area i was either gonna end up dead or in prison and the story there was no gonna be no i wouldn't even have a chance yeah there was no way i could get ahead and that's what made me leave and every time i went back i got the creeps i still love my people and i love going home but something gave me the creeps i had suffered too much on these streets when i go back to north bergen i drive on those streets like when we did the documentary we would get out and walk around and show you different things

the fucking neck hairs would stick up i don't know what went down on those fucking streets i remember what went down i remember you know pulling gabby over and having to suck your dick and but you know i remember fucking rolled up by the high school right there where you were there with the camera yeah i remember rolling a fucking bum there when we're 12 one day you know pulling the candy boulevard on that big boulevard pulling this guy on the street and the guy's like and we're taking this and there's three four gorillas and people are beeping their cars at us going hey leave that poor man alone we're like fuck you you know i know what it's like are you fucking crazy all those cemeteries that we went through yeah that one cemetery nobody shit i took in that fucking

cemetery do you have any fucking idea the dead of the winter i still remember the night that freddy print shot himself i walked through that cemetery and i took a shit on the grave like from 1844 that was the way i justified not being guilty in my mind you know because it was old oh that cemetery northern new june listen from 63rd street to 39th street it's a cemetery no but you justified it because it was an older person yeah like who the fuck comes and checks on them you know i'm saying who's alive who's in there it's like what is that thing we're talking about about lincoln the movie these fucking critics oh you know whatever the fuck harby homo his portrayal of lincoln is spectacular i didn't know you knew lincoln you know what i'm saying i didn't know you knew lincoln

i know people who walked out of that fucking movie they're like we sat there started thinking where did they get all this dialogue from like yeah you know what i'm saying like stop it well it was like the other chubby dude the one who played the manager in the movie about the box so he got some pro yeah what's the guy that he played fucking benjamin frank with the web on the HBO series i have no idea anarchy give me still what the fuck am i as a fuck you got me high and i don't know what you're talking about i'm fucking stoned to the gills i can't believe i might walk outside i might get a 911 call from my wife to get down i'm gonna deliver this kid fucking juiced up stoned to the gills jack i went home i hit the vapor pan i rolled the number

for us just out of respect i had that we i've had that we at the house for a fucking month i wanted to get rid of it it was dry it was beautiful yeah it was nice tremendously come on who the fuck loves you more than i miss your cocksucker two weeks we can't have these people on the street yeah we got a lot of shit going on i'm getting a web page uh revamped joeycocodeas.net we're gonna put some jr's putting some t-shirt time they got a hoodie coming at you i got a long sleeve podcast t-shirt and a short sleeve t-shirt coming at you i got uh testicle testimony four coming at you it's on pre-order right now yeah my tunes what else we got uh next uh 17th at the improv and ervine nice and then the 25th i'm over at flappers on a friday night two shows because

i'm shooting uh a tv show that week so i'm pretty happy about oh yeah so i also picked that up it was like two things i had a staying town anyway i couldn't go to chicago with joe i'm fucking furious i wanted to go because clay weed it was fucking fighting in there and i'm happy my boy me listen man i become a a fan what are you looking at me or stone four cocksucker what do you mean what are you looking at me all stone look at your little yellow shirt looking all snazzy you shit i'm trying to stick them in the house 2013 i get they're gonna put together a studio i've got some great guests lined up for you motherfuckers already i got the ten donahue book so i'm gonna start reading that when i tap off the steven king book and then i'm gonna have him back on with more

interesting stuff he caught me off guard you know that's that guy's an interesting story and besides that like i said jill hemutsu is the new gemma of dead squad international you know i'm gonna go to dead squad hollow i'm gonna see them in carolines hopefully in march and that's it motherfuckers the next time we talk on wednesday morning we'll be back here and i will officially be your father and uh i gotta tell you man me and lee last year we had a great time fucking around with you people the documentary to this and that this and that and now we're doing it we're doing it even on a sunday night we don't fuck around dog we got somebody to call real quick you know i was gonna have brody called but i've brody called during the week brody's doing great i want you guys to

know you know i check up on these motherfuckers so when i call them when they call back in we all get to talk and we're all fucking family and that's it man uh it's january second you know i was telling somebody another flappers i went to flappers bobby slain was performing and i went down there and some kid you know you have the yoohoo room in the back yeah flappers it's like a parade going on at all time like people like the economy slow go to flappers they got 19 comedy rooms going they got comedy at the bar comedy in the hallway tell the patio a big room the yoohoo room you know and i'm gonna be there i can't wait to fucking be there got green fucking wings with a blue cheese i swear to god they got the best blue cheese dressing at flappers it's like this uh blue cheese

garlicky fucking combination and you go home it's like going to a japanese you go to a japanese restaurant and dip your fucking meat in that sauce oh i love that sauce and you go home those farts are fucking tremendous if i went to benihana for the lunch special a couple weeks ago fucking it's tremendous but uh what was i going to do in my life is a fucking kind of comedy you're gonna be in flappers oh flappers the wings that's right thank god lee's here tonight with his ali fucking beard tonight uh so they have this blue cheese combo i'm telling you people you have bad breath for three fucking days my sleep apnea that smells like shit for a week i got a dip in the fucking water in the in the soap and boil it and that's what we got going on people that's it we

got another show coming out your wednesday uh the new England page is playing next sunday brother yeah sunday against texas we'll decide that we're doing that's a great game yeah what do you think of the games today lee tell me that you i only got to watch a little piece of it um i really even though i don't want to play baltimore so i hope denver beats baltimore i really i respected uh you want to play denver i'd rather play them than baltimore let me tell you something dog i that guy is blowing my fucking mind lee yeah pain manning i listen i think i know about this and this i don't know dick because i i didn't think that guy was gonna make all season no i thought that guy was gonna play four games and somebody's gonna break his fucking spine but you know what they

put nine white gorillas in front of them they always do elway knows the deal you want my corner man here's the deal you gotta put the best you gotta put four white doors these motherfuckers go to fogo the child and the waiters tap like when these guys go to fogo the waiters run out of their fuck this because you gotta bring a whole rack with you that's what john elway wants in front of you so that's why it worked and they're solid up there they get you up there now with no huddle you know he's are they playing they're playing in denver next week oh yeah let's let me answer this let's pretend denver wins there's no way i'm gonna have to go to denver yeah oh we always have trouble with baltimore though i fucking it makes me nervous who has trouble with baltimore you guys

fucking their their offense isn't that great their defense is just fantastic and i don't know we beat denver but that was early but i don't know who i'm nervous personally i'm nervous about houston because we kicked their ass a few weeks ago and we're a huge favorite favorites now what's the line against houston let me look it up but uh houston's kind of having a hard time they're having a hard time mumbling their stumbling they handle this success i listen i've been watching them for years and one thing about houston they always cover they always cover fucking something so yesterday's game i don't even know if they kind of know what the line was guys i've been so fucked up we're 10 point favorites oh in new england yeah oh

shit and i gotta tell you uh my wife got out of work like the 16 when did you leave me uh i loved christmas yeah 25th and uh for some reason they confused me they told me that you know her due date was the second but today we went to the doctor like the the ninth and they told them they got everything done that weekend that she was really open okay so my wife panicked and we went we did a bunch of fucking things and we got everything ready and nothing happened in christmas game and and uh like three days before christmas i found myself in there just going to the lab factory or something and on the way home doing like 90 on lower canyon on the way home and thinking of myself why the fuck am i speeding like oh because i gotta get home because my wife might have the

baby going home talking to her she looked fine and we went to eat at a friend's house christmas eve and when i was sitting there i looked at my wife and i'm like what the fuck am i thinking her due date is the second okay yeah she's 40 fucking three she's gonna be a week late the second that's the fucking ninth i go why have i been so stressed out to be at the house for and i want to tell you i went out every night doing spots i went to that thing with you i just went out of comedy and i had a great time from flappers to the hot to the lab factory to long beach uh and ever since they don't and i told them don't call me unless a hand is popped up that's it i don't if i don't see that little finger like that finger with the doctor the other day just you know i went yeah if i don't see that

don't fucking call you know and look i was right she's gonna have the kid tomorrow yeah the seventh the seventh which is uh in my house in those days they give you cash in the morning and my mom would give me like 150 then she'd go come for the bar you pick up another couple yards your daughter's really a cuban juice she's coming out today for the money yeah she's coming out for the fucking no on the seventh it's amazingly i can't tell you what i feel like right now when's this going to be an interesting podcast because it's gonna i feel numb really because i thought you were number four this and now it's kind of hitting you but now i don't like i told you we've always had that conversation nothing i don't want to know about nothing till i'm right there ready to rock

when you you know when i was a kid we had this kid on a football team i didn't play football his name was george mump and this kid was a savage well he was a fucking savage just a street savage listen there's tough people and there's street savages he's from jersey city and he had transferred to north bergen because they threw him out jersey city had like eight schools and high school when they throw you out of a jersey city school you're the fucking top of the fucking cream he threw him out of the school jersey city comes to north bergen he stopped showing up for practices this kid was an all-state linebacker he stopped showing up for practices so one of his teacher that i was fucking around with george mcgrath has to go to his house and find out what's going on

with this kid you know he's already crazy what's going on with this kid i see mcgrath the next thing mcgrath how'd it go last night he goes i gotta tell you what this kid told us like what he said he goes listen i don't like practicing coaching he goes this is what you do he goes get a cage put me in it and lock me up he goes throw booze in there and weed and cigarettes and just let me out on game day coach he goes i don't want to practice and that's like me i don't want to fuck around you ready to rock you come get me rock we don't have the baby but until then i don't want to think i got shit i gotta think about leah yeah you gotta think about shit you know you got a right you gotta stay focused i gotta you know i got so much on my plate if i start thinking about

april of may i fuck myself in the ass yeah and how do i know i did it for years when i got the else on i was 21 i would worry about september 2016 why the fuck are you worried about september i don't know what the fuck's gonna happen 2016 what the fuck are you worried about yeah you get your insurance plan you know you leave some money for your family sciat and that's it leah i gotta get the fuck out of here i'm gonna see if she needs for me to go down and listen man uh forget the support you've given us with docs and shit like that and donations from time to time and all that let me tell you something what these guys have done for you the last couple of days when i just fucked around the other day instead of the doctor set this bag gotta stick a finger up her ass and

everything you know this thank you thank you thank you for sending me the love you sent me motherfuckers you know it's scary this shit's gonna if you want me to come up here and tell you i'm gonna be tough fuck you this is scary having a kid i failed especially when you failed once you know who wants to try this fucking shit again this is this is life this is this is for keeps it's not like buying a car you take it back with a lemon law you know what i'm saying you're stuck with this fucking thing Jesus for 20 fucking years win place a show you know what i'm saying whatever he comes out i mean what are you gonna do so this is a very big commitment i'm scared to shit i never wanted to be involved in this uh i like kids i love kids i'll do anything for

your kid i'll take him to the track i'll do anything i'll take him for the park feed him whatever the fuck you want i'm great with kids because i talk to him from the heart i'm a kid what the fuck are you kid i'm a fucking kid i am not fit in my mind that like yeah my body this listen the other guy's seen willy nelson yeah it's looking at willy nelson interview i'm like you know what willy nelson was old when i first saw him and i go you know who else has that quality me when i was 20 i looked like i was 50 like i've had this faith this is the face i had when i was 16 and shit you go to north bergen yearbook 1978 the freshman football basketball team get that picture put it online i'll send you a shirt or something lisa at 1978 freshman basketball team

put that fucking pig why got an afro the fucking deal i got two needles for a show that then after that i discovered the italian food friccadels and i was doing fucking curls in the basement anyway thank you very much i will keep you guys posted on twitter when she has the child and all this and pictures and uh uh thank you for melio for calling up from sons anarchy follow him on the middle of vera and my brother lisa i had great to see you cock sucker stone to the bone stuttering mumbling what do you got what music are you going to dance music i got a surprise for you hit it let's see i can't listen to but let's see what's good oh oh the seventh Irvine improv mother fuckers it's 17 eight o'clock meet your ticket the 25th i'm in uh flappy oh oh oh have a great

fucking monday you know i love you you got a whole shot of doing whatever the fuck you want to do i want to be around we'll play that wednesday for you i forgot about it uh what else oh godling grace what wait let me see you waiting back in the club wait you find me i love you cock suckers thank you very much for all the love stay black have a great fucking we go out there sling dick fucking you got another chance in 2013 tell them all the fucking thing what that's what cock suckers red band rogan iris a fear dunking treason bravo vert prisha the fucking kraminsky's sisters everybody give them love we give you love back have a great week but throw your hands in the air and use a true player

to the honeys get your money playing niggas like from me you gotta come up in your ways please don't shoot up the place because i see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby