Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 01/13/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #45

Episode Date: January 14, 2013

Joey and Lee talk to betting genius the Philly Godfather. Tom "Buns" Segura also calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo Code CHURCH for a discount. Streamed live on 01/13/2013

Kick it, Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the Lord's Day, Sunday, January 13th, except you are there. The church of what's happening now. Joey Koglede is my main man. Lee, boom, boom. Here's the Envelope Syat, aka the flying motherfucking Jew. Here we go. Oh shit. Oh shit. The Lord's Day. Kiddly. Little wiggle, little wiggle. Get me speak, get the blood going with me. All right, we're here, motherfuckers. A beautiful day to be alive. Thank you for tuning in. Sunday, what is it? The 13th. Who the fuck knows? I ain't no goddamn calendar. It's great to be here. You're feeling good. You're looking good last night when I got home at 1.30 in the morning. I went out online because I was fucking around early. I was listening to Nah, stone to the gills. I went

outside on my balcony and tried to smoke a joint. I'm not allowed to smoke in the house no more because of the baby. So I got to go, you know, you could smoke the vapor in that house. When you got a late night, you want to hit it, you want to see the devil, you got to go out in the fucking balcony and roll like one of those little gorilla fingers I rolled this morning with Lee Lee Lee. Look at him. Look at Lee Lee Lee in stone to the gills already. How I like it. Look at those little Chinese eyes. I show up. You ain't got no fucking bagels here. He's the only Jew without a fucking bagel. I don't know if there's a bagel shop. That's the first thing a Jew does when he lands on a destination. He goes on his iPhone, he goes on his rock, and he presses his bagel, and it comes

right up three blocks away. That's the first thing a Jew does. When a Cuban lands, first thing he looks for is bananas, fucking coca-lips. I'm sorry, I've been slipping, man. You're slipping. This is why I love you though, because we fucking all slip, you know. But I got home last night, and I went to, first of all, I went to the ha-ha to close it up. Oh, great. Friday I went to this little club by Saley, whatever the fuck it was, but last night I went to the ha-ha. It was freezing out. It's just a little, you know, even this morning, ain't nothing going on. The sun's out. You dumb motherfucker. I'll take you to some cold place. I'll take you to Riverton, Wyoming, where you don't even want to walk. You'll starve. You open up your door, and you're like, I'm not walking to eat. I'd rather fucking starve.

If you lived in Riverton, we'd both weigh 110 fucking pounds. But I went to the taco guy last night. I was good all week, stuck to my points. I'm gonna weigh in today. I'm gonna go to the 1030 meeting today. Okay. Sure, why not? I'm gonna weigh in. I worked hard this week. I ate vegetables, I ate more fruit, I drank more water. That month with my wife walking and driving and fucking eating every day. Three meals out killed me, bro. And I maintained it. I gained some weight, but it wasn't like what it should have been. Using a holiday season, you could put away 20, 30 fucking pounds. I gained like eight to 10 pounds. Yeah. But I'm back now. I have to weigh myself today. How you feeling, cocksucker? I'm feeling fucking great. That's why I like this omniscient. Go to

honnet.com, really, get your life together. I've been working with the the immune lately. Okay. And the shroom tech immune, because this is the season, guys. And how it works is I mean, it puts some really bad stuff in you and makes your body works work harder to surround that gym. I'm reading. I'm reading and getting ready at my I'm getting better at my comprehension. So it's like a flu shot. It's like a flu shot. Okay. And I mean, everybody's got it. So you got to wash your hands. You got to you know, you can't swap spit. You can't fucking suck no, no dick or no strange pussy. But sometimes a good piece of pussy is good for the flu. That'll kill that fucking bug right off the back. You look a little ass holy. Some other little chlamydia juice and shit. It's all over it.

Another of the flu. You fucking cocksucker. Anyway. What was I saying? Anyway, all right, so I went over nice fucking nice, nice chicken tacos from the Mexican. No, no hot dogs, though. Okay, no hot dogs. Yeah, big points. And it's too fucking. It's like three points that they don't use real bacon. They don't use the Oscar my slim cut things that pull the ricochet from the foot of the fucking pig. Oh, which is all with all the juice is where you get fat and shit, you know, with a fat fat man alert, fat man alert, where the fat juices and when you wrap it around the hot dog, it seeks in. It puts it, you know, instead of a hot dog being eight

points with the bun, it's like 19. So if you eat two fucking hot dogs, which a pot, smoke and two hot dogs is dick in this day and age. Yeah, especially at two in the morning. I tell you some of those Mexicans, I think they fucking chop up Valium's and put them in your tacos. Because I slept like a baby. But when I got home last night, Jill mitzvue, Jill Himitzu, the Gemma of Death Squad, my girl that puts the calendar together, said that she I read one of her tweets and she's like, you know, it's Joey so alert, so alive in the mornings, you know, and that's why I was taking a fucking progem. Let me tell you something, guys. If you're not alive in the morning, I hate you ever bump into somebody the first in the 80 years, they're fucking tired. That's going to kill

your day right there in the back of your mind. You're fucking tired. That means you're not alert. You're not looking for shit. You're not hustling. When I wake up in the morning, listen, ever since I was like 31, I knew I was lucky to be alive. So when I wake up in the morning, I wake up like a fucking savage. I wake up ready to fucking take somebody's head off, you know, you got to wake up enthused about the day. And that's why I do this early in the morning to show people get the fuck up. So what if you smoke dope and do coke and do heroin till six in the morning, you sleep two hours, you get up, you drink a coke, a butter roll, some fucking cranberry juice and bang, you're out there, you're out there, you know, throughout the day, you get the day going to the two o'clock in tide, you go home, you

take a two hour cat nap, you get up, you're weighing another ounce of blow and you go out there and sell it at night. That's just how it fucking works, people. If you're going to commit to something, commit, you know, nothing bothers me more. That's why I have all the fucking respect for you in the world. And I mean this from the bottom out, you're a young guy, 24, 25, most young guys come out here. If it don't happen for them within a year, they pack their bags and they go home. They think there's like a fucking playground out here or in any other field. You know, kids go to college and you got to commit this shit. You know, that's why people hire college kids because they committed to something for four fucking years. It's not because of the degree in science or whatever. I've seen motherfuckers with

momo degrees, you know, geology, rocks and shit, whatever the fuck of it. You're going to be a great waiter at a fucking rocky restaurant if you follow me. But it's amazing the commitment that it takes. And people get pissed at me. I've lost a thousand friends over my commitment to comedy because they can't figure out in my mind how, you know, I can't take a weekend off or I can't take yesterday. My friend came over to the house to see the baby, Damon, with his wife, who I love dearly. But you know what? I miss two days of fucking kickboxing on Monday and Tuesday. I already told the guy I do three kickboxes a fucking week. You know, when you say you're going to do something, you got to fucking do those kickboxing because it's for you. It's not for money. It's not for anybody could go to

a job and get paid. Let me see. You have to do something for yourself. Those are the things that we can't. I'll go next week to the gym. I'll go tomorrow or whatever. These are little things you got to push aside. But this is the way you use comedy and people get fucking pissed off. And even with the podcast, most people would have quit this podcast really in the morning. They would have said, No, I can't do this no more. It's not like we're getting fucking rich over here and making money. We're doing this on fucking spite to get our word out to help you with the fucking sound to learn something. And then along the way, we pick up a sponsor here. So be it. It's like a fucking cherry on the top. But you like doing this. Yeah, it's fun. You're telling me you got online last

night by yourself. It was like a little church. It was like a mini church. Yeah, it was a mini church. I wanted to see if because we got all this new equipment. I wanted to see if it worked. But yeah, man, it's I have a lot of friends back home. We actually have a friend moving out here. She's leaving tomorrow, actually. She moved in with you. No, no, no. You can't go to stay on the couch. You give a little bakalush in the middle of the night. You dirty bastard. Oh, Jesus. But um, people, a lot of people, I don't know if it's back east or whatever. They think California is like, like a hidden secret, like they don't know. I can get a job here. But there's a lot of fucking jobs here. And I don't know what it is. But people, it's, I mean, it is scary to try. But I mean,

I don't understand that. Like, I know it's scary to try. But why? Like, a lot of people just don't try. Listen, man, you know, anybody who's young, old, whatever, and I see them get up and do make a move for themselves. You know how hard it is to leave your comfort zone? Yeah. Do you have any fucking idea? Do you have any idea how hard it is for most people leave their comfort zones? It's very hard. I don't get angry at somebody. At least they taught me the truth. I've had friends that have moved from where they live to California. I know three off the top. My dear friends of mine. And they've come out here for a week or two weeks or a month. And they've just been overwhelmed. And they've gone back. Yeah, they're out of their comfort zone. I understand it. You know, I went to

the YMCA for a year and a half. I started putting on weight. You know why I was in a comfort zone. I had to go somewhere where I was pushed people are like doing that shit. That's the that's even a bigger step for people leaving their comfort zone. I understand it. Yeah, there was a guy at one of my last jobs who he talked about this big game. And he finally got his dream job at CAA, which is like the biggest agency out there out in Co out here in California. And it was funny. I didn't like him because he always he brought me the wrong way. He was always very pompous and and very arrogant. And I found it within a week. Like they shoot him up and spit him out. And now he's he's like, oh, he's working back in Orlando with his dad taking his like leasing leasing license, which is

fine. But it's just funny that that happened to some people. You know, man, people get into shit without knowing what they get themselves into. Yeah. And now they're into it. And they're deep and they got a mortgage and they got a family and they can't get out. And that's in the drinking. That's the beginning of an happiness. So it helps to know what you really want to fucking do. Yeah. You know, if you think you want to be I had a friend that came out here was 22 things. I have people that come out here and they never works. No, they start as an actor. Then they become a comic. And they want to become a producer. Then they want to become a director. And then they fucking direct themselves right the fuck back to whatever time. Because they're done. They're done. You know, you

never heard me say I'm a director because I told people I directed the documentary. It's not my fucking game. Yeah, I'm a fucking comic dog. I'm a dirty fucking disgusting comic that gets hired for TV from time to time. And look, son, did you see the two and a half minutes? I didn't see it. YouTube. Let's see. I don't know if people fucking like to listen. I had a great time doing it. They called me and they're like, Hey, Joey, breakdown came out for two and a half men for a soprano that sings or whatever. You're interested. And then something be called. And they go, if you say yes, you'll probably get it. Just go in there. And I was like, When does the shooting? They'll start shooting tomorrow. You got to be there for four days. I was like, What the fuck am I doing? I'm

just going to take a book and go down and read. And I read the rest of American Desperado. And I started the Stephen King book. So it was great for me. Yeah, you call me one night at 11 o'clock. Like, I've been here all day. I haven't done shit. I haven't done shit. I've been smoking dope, reading fucking books, eating, you know, salads and cookies and shit. You know, you know, after a while, when you go on those, listen, when I first got basketball, and I was on that set, I was going nuts. I wanted to stab somebody out of the city or all day. And then when they tell you at five, you're not working today, you're like, You can't be fucking serious. Now it's just a job for me. I go down and I sit. I know exactly the ins and outs. Last year, I did general hospital. And I

tell you what, man, I'm happy. I got general hospital at a late time. When I was out here early, because if I would have came out here and by mistake stumbled on general hospital, they would have fired me. Why? Because that's a no fucking drama show. They don't fuck around on those shows. There's no nobody's holding your hand. Okay, you know, when you do a big movie, people hold your hand, huh, at least I had it's great to have you. Oh my God, follow me to your locker, you know, to your room and they put you in this trailer. Then they tap paperwork for you and they give you a pen. And they ask you if you want a soft drink, which like a soft drink, you know, and they go get it for you. And then they tell you wardrobes coming in, they walk you to wardrobe. And then

when you come out of wardrobe, they stand and they walk you to make up. And then they walk you back to your trailer and they tell you how funny you are. They blow some water in my ear from washing my pussy, the fucking shower. They tell you, they tell you when the water stays in you, the Russian and the fucking qtip don't work. So, you know, they tell you all this shit, but at least they guide you. Yeah, they give you a script, they give you little sides. When you walk into general hospital, they just say, Welcome to be here, your room's 318, look at the teleprompter, they'll tell you when to come down. Oh, you got to sit there and get dressed on your own. They'll tell you, say you fucking, and you go down and they just shoot. There's no fucking. You must love

that now. Oh, I love it. I love it. I fucking adore this shit. Now. Yeah, now it's like second I think about how lucky I am as a comic being here. 15 years. It's going to be my anniversary, January 29th. I landed it. I think 15 years. I got asked, yeah, 97, right? Yeah, or 16 years, something like that. 98. I got it. 97. I fucking love it. I love that. I've been acting. I got a fucking resume for acting. When I'm 55, I could pop a TV show by mistake and no feel comfortable that I'm on the set. When I go to act now, it's like doing stand-up. I've done it so many fucking times, you know, and I can't imagine your two, your two on the script. I mean, I get, I'm sure you can be TV. No TV, always. I always get in trouble when I do TV. Oh, is that chicken

in my ear the whole time? The please, Joey too. You know, it's always, I can't remember fucking lines, but I do my best, you know, I do my best and that's all that matters is doing your best. Now that seems weird to me. Why? I mean, I guess it makes sense, but why are comics trying to be actors? Because it seems like it's not the same thing. Listen, no comic. When you get into comedy, somewhere in your mind, by the way, I was watching the toy last night with Jackie Gleason and Richard Pryor. You know, Richard Pryor was one of the best comedians of all time. He did films. I mean, yeah, he was addicted to coke and he had 19 kids and he had money for blow, whatever the fuck it is. But that's the extension of it. To me, it always felt like

that was the extension of it. I mean, it makes sense a little bit. I mean, to be funny, but it seems like it seems like they're similar, but they're kind of different. They are different, but it's something else in that genre. Okay. You know, why play running back when I'm a linebacker? Okay. Oh, shit. You follow me? Why do you want special teams and I'm a linebacker? I'm on that fucking genre. I might as well do it. And then you become a writer or whatever the fuck you want to become, even if you want to direct, you know, but I could see it. I could see it. I shouldn't say this, because I'm like, I could see a comic, one of the could be a really good director over an actor. That's not like if it's he's a good actor, I don't think it could be a good director, but he's a

mediocre actor and he has a different eye for it. Like Phil Jackson wasn't the best basketball fucking player in the world, the end of being the best one of the best coaches of all time with Red Allback. Does that mean he's the greatest coach because he won the most championships? What does that mean? He's a great coach because he understood the game and he understood how to transfer it to people, how to put people together. It's not just having five great basketball players. If that's what it was, the Celtics, the Heat were the one every fucking year and you know what I'm saying? It's getting those five people to grind. Look at the Lakers now. Lakers can't get it together. You watch the fucking Lakers. Oh, it's a horror show. It's a fucking horror show to

watch the Lakers. I never liked that guy from Orlando, the White Isle, but I've never liked him. You know, a nice guy, sweetheart of a guy. That's not what I'm looking for in the Senate. I'm not looking for some smiling little fucking black guy. I'm looking for an evil black guy from Memphis with red veins in his eyes that's still mad at white people and he's even mad at most black people for talking white. You follow him, say that to you? I need an angry guy. He reminds me of Danny Manning from the University of Kansas. They won the championship at Kansas and he came out and he bombed. When you're a senator, you've got to be like Moses Malone. Most of Malone's a savage. Kevin Garnett, the best, told the bitch. What are you talking about?

His wife tasted like, I need to cheer those questions. I heard against a mailman one year. They were playing. Was it Kevin Garnett? Jerry Rocher was telling me the story. They were playing against Utah and the mailman was going to shoot a free throw or something. And Kevin Garnett looked through and he goes, you know, the mailman don't deliver on Sundays. Really? He talks shit all the time and people hate him on all the teams. I love him. I've always loved Kevin Garnett. You've got to say shit to people sometimes to throw him the fuck off. People have done it to me and I've bitten the hook. Once you bite the hook, you're like, ah, I get it. This is fantastic. And he went right for the fucking jugular. And I wrote, fuck, you know, he ate a black

cheek. Last time I ate a black cheek, it tasted like honey in a counting shark you love. She was delicious. But it's funny that he said comedians are good directors because I just watched God Bless America, that Bobcat Goldway movie. How was it? Fucking great. He's been a fucking director. I haven't seen his other stuff and I've heard it's great too, but that movie is fucking awesome. What does a comedian do? When I before I go on stage in my mind, I got to set myself up. I got a point to the cam. You know, there's tricks that you do when you learn how to inflict your voice. That's directing. Yeah, that's directing. You know, I got to walk that material when to do this, when to step. It's not just about going up and standing with the microphone. Your body language

has tons to do with it. Your energy on stage, how to move that left foot, that's directing. I never knew that till I watched Roseanne on Larry King Live. See, that she talked about how a comic could do a bunch of different facets. And that's when it gave me more confidence. Because in my heart, I'm just a guy telling dirty jokes on stage. I don't have the respect that I have now from what I'm doing and what I had 10 years ago. I always thought I was just an able guy on stage and it reflected. It reflected. You know, now I'm talking about what got me going and whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying? I don't even want to talk about the kid no more because it's not really what I'm thinking. But I'm having a good time at home with the baby and my wife. My wife's

really happy. I want to thank everybody for all the support and the love. And I was fucking, you know, I had a headache for the last month. Oh, you must have, yeah. I had a headache from the stress of when is it going to come? Is the kid going to be sick? Is my wife going to fucking die? Oh, you thought that? Oh, fuck. When you're a guy like me, you know, somebody, my buddy, Mike Duffy, who's been on the podcast, wrote something when I put the picture the other day and he goes, I wish he doesn't see the dark things you saw as a child. And I love Mike Duffy and I love my friends from North Bergen. But time to time, they mention shit like that. I don't like hearing that. I don't even want to think of that side of my life. I like what I see. All I can

pray is, right, you know, that she doesn't see a lot of this shit. But I want to see this stuff, because that's what led me here to hang out with the motherfucking flying you bitches. It's the Lord's Day. Lili Leland is smiling from ear to ear. His New England Patriots are giving 10 motherfucking points. It makes me nervous, though. In Foxborough. Do they still play in Foxborough? Yeah, it's in Foxborough. It's called Gillette Stadium now, but yeah. Gillette Stadium, Gillette Stadium. That's big money up there in Boston. They're giving 10 points to the Houston Texans. What are you thinking? What happened in Denver yesterday freaks me out. I think we'll beat Houston, but I'm nervous about Baltimore. We already lost to Baltimore this year. Why are you thinking about

Baltimore? Let's just beat Houston. That's what the players say, but I'm not playing. Let's just be fucking Houston. That's what the problem with America is. Everybody's worried about Baltimore, what they're gonna do. Nothing you can do about Baltimore. You got to beat Houston. Did you watch Strike Force last night? No, no, that was on. Yeah, it was on. It was some KJ Noons. It was a good fight. We were against Ryan Cortot. It was some great fight. We're talking sports. Was that the last Strike Force? It was the Lord's Day. I got the Philly Godfather calling up at 9.35 talking about picks and bets. And he's talking about, we're going to talk about the referee's book, Tony Ndonna. He's book that I just gotten. I haven't started reading yet. We're going to give you

his fucking moves as he calls them. And then my brother Tom Boom Boom Segura is calling at 10 o'clock to talk to you motherfuckers here on the Lord's Day. Let's play a little music for these cock suckers, Lee. Why fuck around here? Oh, shit. Do it. Oh, shit's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. People watch the podcast, write your goals for the week today and get out there, stab a motherfucker like the caveman. They went out, they stabbed somebody, they mugged them, they went home, they brought some fucking beer and a drink and a fervor and they came home. You know what I'm saying? They got with the family on the Lord's Day. Just waking up. What? Lee, it's waiting for you. The number of God. I don't know how you get a hit off of that. You know how to get

a hit. You fucking put your lips on it and you suck backwards like this. They believe there's a hot dog in here. It's about as big as your freaking pigs. I know. It's about to get a fake hit from Uncle Joe. Another 24. Here you go, Lee. I can't. I'll stab you. You'll do the podcast and I'll take you to the hospital later. I swear to God. What are you taking? That's Dixxayat. You talked to that cock sucker? Yeah, I talked to him yesterday. I'm talking to him today. Send him some love, my main man, Dixxayat. Kick it, Lee. Blast it. Catch me on the court and I'm troubled. Last week, fucked around and got a triple double. Freakin' brothers every way, like and j- What? Wiggle for me, Lee. A little wiggle. It's the

Lord's Day. Come on, Lee. Give Uncle Joe a little wiggle. Come on. Ooh. Yeah, that's a boy. Yeah, suck it now. What? Uh, Dixxayat in the motherfucking house. The flying Jew. What? Uh. That has to be my ringtone now. What's that, brother? The rap you just did. I want to give some shout outs to some beautiful fucking people. Manolis, Legatus, Legatus, Rocco West, Greg S. Nichols, Frankie Westlin, David Hile, the podcast pit. I love you, cock suckers. Thank you for the inspiration. You know what I'm saying? What do you mean you over slept? Jill Himitsu. Wash that monkey. Get up. Get that coffee out. Jeffrey Joints. I love you. Scott Free, Albit. You knew I fucking love you, Albit. You're a son. John Salami, 10th Planet. Coving

for me last week. I want to give him some love. Corey Blumell. And that's it. What the fuck else you want from me? You know what I'm saying? It's the goddamn Lord's Day. My main man, Justin Claudel. We had a little chat yesterday. He's going to get it together. Justin's going to be my little fucking protege out there. Where the fuck he lives? Kentucky slain dick. Higher, Justin, for little events and we'll fucking give you a plug on here, right? Cock suckers. That's how I roll. What's going on there? Jill Himitsu overslept. You got to get off those fucking volumes, cock sucker. Wake up. It's a beautiful day to be alive, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, we were talking about committing to something, you know, and how people get pissed off at me

at times because I want to take vacations or, or, you know, just, it's just amazing how in 94, 95, I moved back to Boulder and I would go home at night and there was this comedy newspaper at the time put out by John Fox and the back of the newspaper, they had all the clubs in the country and I would sit there at night and put stars next to the clubs I wanted to perform at, you know, Zany, Chicago, Carolines, New York, Ronnie Dangerfields, Seattle Underground, shit like that and I would cry. And I've told you about this before I would cry because I thought I would never get to those places. I'm like, I've been doing this for three years and I've got ten minutes. Then I realized that the reason why I wouldn't get to those places is because

there's only one way to get to those places for sure and that's to believe in yourself, to gamble on yourself, or most importantly to commit. You know, look at something and go, you know what, ain't nothing fucking stopping me. I'm playing that place. And once I play that place, then I'll play this place. And once I play that place and you make a path for yourself. And I tell you, man, I cried, but that cry gave me that pain and that fucking ferociousness to do it. And this is all I did for a while. You know, at 95, I had a decision to stay in Boulder and eventually stab my ex-wife and end up in prison for the rest of my life and send jokes to Jay Leno. And that would have been fine and dandy because in the back of my mind, I would have won, but I would have won the

war. I would have lost the battle. So the way I could have beat this bitch and everything else was by beating life, by committing to this shit, which means that sometimes you got to sleep on a fucking floor, which means, you know, it's funny, I was thinking about that, you know, the biggest germaphobias that you know, Lee. Probably you. Yeah, me. But you know how you get over germaphobia? You go to prison. Prison takes care of every fucking phobia there is. Yeah. Prison will take care of every phobia. That's why I don't believe in phobias. That's why I don't believe in none of that shit. When people come to you and they have this, how about I smack in the fucking mouth? Because if you what are you going to do when you're in jail, when you're in a cell, you're going to

tell them you're claustrophobia, they're going to show you should have thought about that before you fucking killed that old lady in your car when you were drinking and driving. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So get that shit. What are you going to go see a six foot four black guard and tell him I have a rachophobia. I can't put metal in my mouth. How about I stick it up your ass? How about I take this fucking plastic fork and shove it up your fucking ass? I know a lot of people that couldn't eat off plastic silverware and oh yeah, people always have a phobia. You think if you go to prison, you got sleep at and you got a machine, go fuck yourself. There ain't no machine you'll take care of sleep at me on your own. There's so many things that life

takes care of on its own. You know what I'm saying? Did you hear what happened in Massachusetts? What happened? There's this guy, well now it's a girl, this guy sued the state and they got the state to pay for his sex change and his legal fees. So he's getting a sex change on the state because he thought he wanted to get a sex change and he sued and the state has to pay for it. Now they're pissed off. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, sometimes it works against you. But I had all the phobias in the world. I wouldn't touch a doorknob. You know, I'm a sick fuck. You think your mom was a clean freak, right? My mom was a clean freak, so it was bad. But I'm like a prudish in a way. Like, I didn't need that ass till later on. Like, I was like you, I didn't

need that ass till later on. I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you I liked it when I was 16. I looked at him and thought I was filthy. When I was 16, if it chicks up my dick, I would kill her. I thought it was disgusting. I thought she was Satan. You know, just little things like that. I mean, but prison takes care of every phobia there is. If you got a phobia and you can't figure it out, go to prison. You'll wash your ass 18 times. You know, those people turn the light on and shit like that. You'll be washing your asshole 18 times a day and they'll help you. They'll help you for sure. Fist of phobia. What the fuck is wrong with you? I wouldn't recommend it for everybody but it worked for you. I didn't get a fist up my ass, Lee. What are you

suggesting? What? I'm saying I wouldn't recommend people going to jail to get their phobias. No, but you never know. It's sometimes it takes care of the situation. You just got really serious. You're like, I didn't get a fist up my ass. No, no, I'm just fucking with you. But it's just funny how people always have a disease now or a phobia or an ADD thing going on. Stop it. Stop it, cock-suck. If I put you in Cuba with no medication, you do just fucking fine. You understand me? Crazy people. They need pills now. Why? I never heard that shit. I have friends that are suffering from depression. I don't know. It fucking drives me crazy sometimes. But I have another friend that gets really depressed and he just got off the medication and he replaced it with reefer.

He says he's having a great life. Oh, great. You know, sometimes I listen, man. I snorted coke for all those years. And one day I came to the conclusion that I didn't stop the addicting. I just took care of the solution. I was the solution to the pain. You snort and do drugs because there's a pain. There's something that's not right. You're in pain somewhere, as they call it. The wasps call it. You're self-medicating. No. I'm getting fucking high, cock-suck. When I shot heroin and snorted coke, was to see the devil. Was it the Led Zeppelin? So it remains the same. But in the real sense, you're trying to block some type of pain. You know, it was the pain from my daughter not having, you know, losing my daughter in the divorce and not

being there for her, feeling inferior as a man because you couldn't be a fucking dad. It was because my mom, the drugs, you know, now once you slay like fucking, you put that behind you, no shit go away. You don't need no meetings and nobody hugging you, nobody rubbing your feet. You just go do your thing. What fucking rehab for 18 fucking years? Fuck you. What up, Lee? You're sitting there all fucking mangled up with your little New England Patrick shirt. Look at you. I kind of haven't. But I was thinking about it. I wanted to ask you that I saw a commercial the other day for Hillside Malibu. It's a fucking rehab place. And they sell a book. And on the commercial, they say our treatments are good. We guarantee it. And fucking, I know you did it

without rehab, but I know a lot of people who fucking went to rehab 18 times. So how can they, how can they guarantee it? Like, don't just keep reading you the fucking book. Read it again after you read 18 times. You'll be fucking saved. When you call them and say, we guarantee it. Yeah, we guarantee it. Read it again. And then when you call them again, I read it again, but we did it again. Eventually, I read it 18 times. I'm so bored to death reading this fucking thing. I'll never do blow again. But I thought about it. Like, how the fuck did I stop? I'm not better than anybody else. My genes aren't better than anybody else. How the fuck did I just stop like that? You know, I stopped like that because whatever I was threatening about,

I worked that. I worked that on my own. I had a long talk with myself. You're going to pay, I earned a psychiatrist like a buck 50 now to go talk to somebody. An hour, yeah, probably. Are you fucking serious? That's 600 a month if I want to talk to you about what? Really? I think 35 hours, I'm going to pay you a couple of dollars. I'll bring you a soda, we'll talk. You know, you can take Burke Christen, buy him a coffee and get the fucking same result. Are you thinking of becoming a psychiatrist? No, I'm just saying for one, I'll tell you what, for 50 bucks, I'll meet with you for an hour and a half. And I'll tell you whatever the

fuck you want to hear, you know, I'll tell you how you're nice, how you're going to pull through this. But for 20 hours on me, where you smoke a joint, I'll tell you the fucking truth. Yeah. You follow what I'm saying to you? I think at 135, I'm going to tell you what you want to hear. But at 20 hours, I'll tell you the truth. I'm pissed, Blake. You show up, you give me 20 dollars, you show up with a half a joint instead of a full joint. You know what, you're a fucking bum. The reason, the reason you got bronzed because you're a monologue of the year, you're a fucking mook. Get your shit together. Yeah, I mean, I've never, I've never been to it. I know it helps a lot of people. But I mean, it's the same thing as hospitals,

when you think about it, they really have no incentive to make you better, because if they're making that much money, why would they want to stop? Every time I go to a doctor, I learn more and more about the medical system. And I feel people who have no insurance. I feel for people who have no insurance. It's terrible. And I tell you what the crazy thing about this is that even with insurance, you're getting fucked up the ass. Oh, yeah. You're getting fucked up the ass in so many ways. You know, 20 years ago, a woman had a baby and I'm out of crying here. My wife is tougher than fucking now. She's a farmer girl. She was ready to go the next day. She wanted to get the fuck out of there more than anybody. But you know what, you can keep them in there for

three days, but they don't give a fuck. You know, the first time we went to the hospital, they told us we didn't have enough beds. Jesus. That's why they sent us home on Friday, which nothing was really happening. What were we going to do? Hold her in there on Friday. She wasn't going to have the kid till the eighth anyway. So I'm happy it all worked out like it did. Yeah. But even with insurance right now, when I go to a doctor like this week, there you go. What's up, buddy? How are you, my friend? Good. How are you doing? Buddy, just trying to put the pieces together on the Lord's Day. Who's on the line? My man, Steve? Yeah, you got it. Steve, tell these guys a little bit about what you do,

what your webpage is about, and your company. They won't talk about other things. Yeah, definitely, man. Thefillygodfather.com. I'm on the radio a lot on the east coast. First time I'm talking to you, Joey. It's a sports gambling website. We don't take no bets. We don't take no action. We give out information. And when you subscribe to the website, I actually give you the moves that I'm on for the day. I don't give out picks. I give actual moves. These are games that actually move the lines in Vegas and Costa Rica and all the offshore books. I like it. How'd you do yesterday? We did good. I went with three and one yesterday. So you gave out two parlays? No, I gave out two college basketball games.

Yeah, we do every sport. We do NFL. We do college basketball. We do baseball. We do NBA. We do everything. Everything where we think there's an edge. We try and find an edge and we bet on it. And how'd you get into this, Steve? Well, about 25 years ago, I've been doing this for about 25 years. I had a friend of mine who approached me. And you know, I was a street kid, a group in the streets of Philly. And he is a couple of years older than me. And he's asking me to find some bookmakers. So I see, I know everyone in the city. I find some bookmakers. Why? He's like, just find some bookmakers. So I found some bookmakers. So now I'm keeping track. This guy's winning almost every week. He's betting games. And back then, you know, you think about gamblers,

you think about degenerates, guys that lose a lot. This guy just kept winning and winning. So then I stepped to him and I said, his name was Rooster. I said, Rooster, what's going on here? You know, let me in. He goes, all right, come on. So then he takes them into this betting office. I walk into this office. There's about 30 guys, 30 phone lines. You got to remember this 25 years ago. This was before the internet. This was before, you know, all that stuff. And there's a bunch of guys on the phone and all they're doing is betting games all day long. And I was like, wow, these guys are on to something. Next thing you know, you broke an enemy. He tells me if you find more bookmakers, I'll give you a percentage on all the games that we went. Just, you know, you got to

get down as much as possible. So that's what I started doing. I started moving money for these guys. And later on, I found out who the main guys were and guys out in Vegas and guys offshore, guys, you know, now they're all over the place, but these are some of the biggest, sharpest gamblers in the world. You know, even our friend of the show, my childhood friend, Danny, he said that you're amazing. He said that he's been following you for a while, that he actually subscribed or something. And he goes that you're fucking great with your bakes. And then he went down to Philly and he met you and what's your other, he said he met you down in a boxing gym. Tell us about a little bit about that also. Yeah, it's Joe hands boxing. I don't, you know, I've been boxing

since I was 10 years old. Everyone in Philly, I'm even the girls know how to box and there's a boxing gym on every corner. So when you, when you grow up in Philly, you want to have a fight. So I've been, you know, boxing, I was 10 years old and now I'm a little older. So now I'm training pro fighters down there. I trained this one kid, why he'd write him, his brother's actually Zaire Raheem. He fought in the Olympics for our country. He was world champion and he's actually getting, uh, he's got the next pack out fight coming on next time. Pack out fight. He's going to be fighting in his name is Zaire Raheem. So look out for that. And we trained fighters down there and, you know, I love boxing. That's what it's all about. You know what I mean? Now you also give our boxing

picks at every level on your, I suppose. Yeah, I'm professional gambler. I think there's an edge, you know, I give out a move. I give out, and I talked to, when it comes to boxing, I mean, I've been on top. Well, I think I'm hitting like 89% of my boxing picks for like the last three years because on a lot of the boxing trainers, I look for value. If it put it this way, if there's a coin foot, these two guys, and I think they're evenly matched and one guy's getting 10 to one odds, well, you got to take the other dog. I mean, anything can happen. You know, you got to play you want to fight her. You got to bet it. So, you know, I just saw the trainers around the country. I go to a lot of the, you know, the sparring and a lot of, you know, where they're training at

in different gyms all around the country. And I get information. I gather information and I make an educated guess. That's amazing. You make a living at this. That's all I do. That's all I do is gambling, you know, and then when I, you know, I invest a little bit, you know, I diversify, lead out to these days. And then back about three months ago, I said, let me launch this website to help people out. You know, the recreational betters are always getting buried. The book is always taking advantage of them. So I started giving out my moves and we've been killed there ever since last three months. And what's your cost on the website there? It's a team. It's what I want to do. I didn't want to sell my information. I didn't. So I decided to make a subscription based

website. So it's 10 bucks a month. It's like getting a channel and HBO or whatever it is on cable. So you pay 10 bucks a month. That's all it is. Everyone can afford it. And you get information. You get the games and you can do what you choose with them. If you like my games, you can bet them. If you don't, you don't have to bet them. But we've got articles on there. We got a, we've got a form section where people can talk to each other. We got my opinions page. We got a handicapped toolbox that breaks down all the statistical trends, the angles, everything you can think of on here. And now we'll start the video presentation. I will be doing videos where we put down games on a daily basis. And then as a promotional thing, the first 200 people

I signed up back in October, I gave away a free book, Game in the Game. They wrote a book about us and our crew. And as you know, Jimmy Patista, the guy that was paying off the referee, he was part of our crew. So they got a little section in the book in there about us. So I made everyone who's in the book signed the book and I sent it back to all the guys who signed up for a year for free. You're a fucking gentleman of scala now. You also, you were also indirectly, directly, I don't know if involved with the total Donahue thing. And he was a caller on the show. I just got his book. And I haven't read it yet. If you want to break that situation a little bit more down to me. Well, I didn't read Jimmy's book. I read the one they wrote about Jimmy. There's

two different books here, Game in the Game. And since you know, I've known Jimmy for over 25 years, good friends with him. Now who's Jimmy? Jimmy Patista. That's the guy that was actually set the whole thing up with Jimmy Donahue. That's the gambler that put it all together. Okay, Jimmy Patista. And he's a Philly guy. He's a Philly guy. I mean, I see him. I talked him on a daily basis still. I mean, we've been together for years. Now he has a book and Donahue has a book. Yeah, Donahue has a book. Now you can believe Donahue's side, which I heard a lot of, you know, negative things about. No, I don't know. You know, there's always a couple of different sides of every story. So I guess, you know, the books were written, you know, on his perception,

this book was written on Jimmy's perception. But from what I know about it, from being on the inside, I mean, the game in the game is almost 100% accurate about what transpired, how it went down, how we actually used to move money for some of the sharpest cameras in the world back in the late 80s, early 90s, and then how we all, you know, went our own way and got our own betting offices, and how we all learned how to handicap these games and learned the market value, you know, on the line on the spreads when they come out and how to find the edge bet into the market. How do you find the edge, like looking at a line, because that's what I usually look at. The line for me tells you everything. Yeah, well, I mean, that's the market analysis side.

Okay, so now you got to look at the line. The line comes out, put this way. This line came out this week. Atlanta is favored by a field goal over Seattle at home. Well, then you go back to situational factors, the trans, how many times has this line come out, where number one seed has been favored by less than the touchdown over, say, Seattle, in the past 15 years, how many times has that team covered? Well, the bad news for guys that want to bet Atlanta is there's been only five different times that Atlanta has been favored. Number one seed has been favored by less than the touchdown and actually lost all five times. But then you got to dig a little deeper, find more information. So then we go back to travel. This team, Seattle, they've gone back and forth West

Coast, East Coast, two games in a row. Now the last West Coast team that went back to back and had playoff wins on the East Coast, the 1989 Los Angeles Rams. So what that tells you is when these teams travel over a certain amount of miles, they get tired by time game time comes off. They're not they're not 100%. And they don't, they don't play as well. They don't react as well. I mean, you know, if you jump on a plane and you travel across the country, it's going to take you five, six hours to recoup the next day, you know, you're not the same player. So the travel really affects how these teams play in certain games in certain positions. That's fucking brilliant.

And then go deeper, you start going to the matchups, you're looking for edges, you look at the injury reports, you're looking who's banged up, who's not banged up. You look at the quarterbacks, you're looking like this week, the cornerbacks for Seattle, they're big physical cornerbacks and they usually manhandle the Y receivers of certain teams. But this week, they're playing Atlanta. Atlanta's got some of the biggest, most physical Y receivers in the league and Julio Jones, Roddy White and you got Tony Gonzalez. So these guys are going to be as effective against a certain team. And as it like in boxing styles make fights and the same things in football games. Teams have different styles and different edges and different

strengths and weaknesses. And that's what you're looking for. You're trying to get an educated guess and you're trying to find an edge in the game. And then, you know, you back your opinion with some money, you know what I mean? And the sharpest gamblers in the world, that's what they do. They back their opinion with some money. And that's what moves the line. So say the game's three and I like Atlanta minus three and I bet Atlanta, well, if the bookmakers respect my opinion, they're going to move that game to four because they don't want more people betting Atlanta minus three. They want everyone else taking Seattle plus four. You know what I'm saying? I hate you. Yes. So that's, you know, that's how the market works. And you're just always

looking for an edge, man. And whether I'll give you an example, Twitter was great when it first started because a lot of these athletes were tweeting stuff out. A couple years ago, one of the point cards from the Sixers, he's at a JZ concert till three in the morning. They're at the after party. He's tweeting all night till six in the morning. He's got a game and he's 11 o'clock the next day. So we noticed these guys have been out all night partying. We know what that's gold because if one team's out all night partying and the other teams resting up, getting ready for the game, well, they're not going to perform the same. And the next day they went out, they lost about 35 points. We bet the other side because we knew they were

out partying all night. So information not factored in the line is where you can find gold in these games. Now tell these people what your website is. So they go over there today and they can make a little fucking bakala. What's their website? What's your website? Hey, you go to thefiligenefather.com. It's cheap. It's 33 cents a day to subscription based website. We've got over 1200 subscribers already signed up in the past 11 weeks. You go in there and if you like what you see, you bet a little bit, you know, with your local bookmaker or that when you make a couple bucks, you have some fun doing it. It's a good time. And you do this year around. I do it 24 hours a day. Baseball, hockey, any MMA stuff yet?

We do every boxing, MMA, hockey, baseball, wherever we think there's an edge, we better. We don't just bet the bet. Some days we might not even bet at all. Some days we might do five, six games. You know, it depends what sport depends what time of the year. But we're not gambling, just to gamble. We're gambling to make a profit. This is what we do. I've always, I met a guy out here from Philly that was a blackjack player. RJ, have you, you know him, right? Um, I don't know. I might know. Would you count cards? Yeah, good guy counting cards. I met him when I was opening for Dice, like 98 in Vegas. And this guy, I think I told you the story, as a friend of our Steve Simone, who's also from

Philadelphia Philly Comic, just made me some tremendous chicken colors when my wife was born. I'm going to give him a shout out. And, uh, Steve and his brother's a dentist. He's getting, it's amazing, the Philly connection that we have, but we went to open up for Dice and this guy, uh, would take us at night and we would go into a casino. Steve was amazing. They'd take him into a back room and armed guard would come with his dough and he bet for an hour. He'd win 60 grand and we'd leave. We'd go eat Chinese food. He'd give us all two grand and we'd fucking leave. He can't beat that. I mean, I'll tell you what he's doing. He's counting cards. So he's got a positive negative count because we count cards too down here, but they kind of banned us from

A.C. So now we don't count as much as we used to because it's really a job. Like you got to sit there. You got to play every hand. You got to find the edge, find that light count, say, uh, plus 20. Once you reach like a plus 20 or a plus 17 count, and then you start unloading. And then, you know, you make some money that way. You're looking for an edge just like in anything else, whether it's blackjack, whether it's poker, whether it's sports gambling. If you can find an edge, you can make some money gambling. What do you like today out of both games? What do you think about the New England, uh, Texan game? Because my man, Lisa, my little partner in the podcast, he's got his little fucking number 12 shirt on his little New England. He shaved,

he greased his hairdo. He's ready for the game today. I got some bad news for, well, this is what's going on. Sometimes you got really paid attention to the market. Last week, every favor covered the spread. So the bookmakers got crushed. And that was the first time that happened since 1986 during a wildcard weekend that every favor covered. So what do the bookmakers do? They got to protect themselves because they know the following week, the betting public is going to be betting the favorites again. So they don't want to lose money. They don't want to lose money. They don't want to make money. You know what I mean? So what they're going to do is they're going to inflate a line. And what that means is today's line is what, 10. Say, uh, New England's

laying 10 on Jason there. I think there's some nines out there. Let me double check real quick. All right. The game's down to nine, nine and a half, 10 in some places. But our math guys, the guys that I work with, I got some real smart guys that I work with, they're telling me the game should only be seven. So what that means is the bookmakers are making you pay a premium on the game. So they're inflating the line three points. That line should be only seven, but they know since everyone's going to bet New England, you know what? Screw it. We're going to make a 10 and we're going to cover ourselves on the teasers, on the parlay cards. We're going to charge them extra juice and we're going to make

extra money. So what that means is you're paying a premium on New England. That line's way too high. And that's why we like Houston. We took the 10 on Houston and we think that number's too high. Any team that's won 13 games during the season should not be 10 point underdogs in the playoffs. So we like Houston. So I got some bad news for your buddy over there. That's all right. It makes me nervous. The Patriots always, they have problems with people they beat before. But the question I have for you, Steve, is hockey is coming back and it's coming back. It's like a quarter of a season. It's going to be really quick. Is that going to, will that cause problems for you? Because I mean, they're going to start in like a week.

So like you can't, you can't, like there's no studying time or what are you guys worried about hockey? No, not really. I mean, we got some hockey guys that've been doing it for a long time. So there's been strikes before. So they know how to like that. They know how to follow the market correctly. So they might wait a week or two before everything starts flowing, trying to get these teams, see who's selling, who's not selling, see what problems are on different teams, gather information from different trainers that we have all around the country and from our guys. And you know, we take our time. We don't rush. We don't jump in. We take our time. We look for an edge and we find that edge. We exploit. And the one question I had for you before I give you back

to Joey is I was thinking about it. And of course you're going to say yes, because it's your business. But what does it take for people? Like is it possible for someone to just be a gambler and make a living now? Like it seems like it'd be really, it seems like it'd be almost impossible. No, listen, there's poker players doing it. There's blackjack players doing it. There's professional sports gamblers doing it. If you can find an edge and you're consistent, then you can win at gambling. But I mean, put this way, the greatest gamblers in the world will win between 55 to 58% of the time. All these guys telling you they won 8 out of 10 and 9 out of 10 and 90%, it's all a bunch of crap. And you can make a good living when it's 55 to 58% of

time. And if you have a good season, you win, you know, 6 out of 10 on your bets, you know, on a weekly basis, whatever. And you make a good living. But there's always an edge. And if you know how the market works, if you know what you're looking for, and like I said, information not factored into the line is gold. So if you guys have any kind of information that the bookmakers don't know about, and it's not factored in the line, you can make some money. And that, you know, a picture, say a picture in a major league baseball game, like I said earlier, he's on the party. It happens. They're people, they're human, they're drinking, they're snort, whatever, they're doing, they're out there, they're having a good time. Next day they got a pitch and they're not

going to perform. I don't care who you are. You know what I mean? So you got to really find information not factored in the line. You got to have a lot of contacts. Like I said, we've been doing this for 25 years. I mean, my right hand man was a guy involved in a Donnie Heast scandal. So we got a lot of people everywhere. And we get information. And we're looking for an edge. And that's how we get. We don't just bet because I think Atlanta is better than this team or whatever. We run the numbers. We get the information. We look at the situational factors. We look at the weather. We look at the injuries that we make an educated guess. And that's how we come up with our conclusions. The hypothesis is one of the most strongest things in the fucking world, you know.

But like you said, once you get the hypothesis together, it don't mean shit until you fucking back the farm. That's it. That's it. And like I said, the games I give out, they're moves. We don't just give out picks. If you see if I'm giving out a game lane two, the game is moving to three, three and a half. What that means is that those odds make us respect our opinion. And we back our opinion with hard cash. We're not just giving out picks here. You know what I mean? So that's the difference between my website and other guys doing this stuff. Steve, you're a fucking savage. I'm going to get back at you for the NCAA with some hoops and talk to you then. And once I weed Donna, his book, then we can talk a little more about that

situation and beat you up there. It was a pleasure. I know you come out here from time to time and you have my number. Please call. You're a friend and you're a friend of Danny's, who's like a brother. So please don't be a stranger. I'll give you a call this week. I appreciate you having me on here and always remember to bet wise and sharp. And if you're none of those things, but against yourself, man, that's all. And listen, man, I'm going to come to fill you the helium. So I'd like for you to come to the show and we'll talk some more then. All right, brother? Yeah, definitely. We'll definitely talk for the finals. And I appreciate you calling and have a great day. It's a black and beautiful, brother. All right, you got that.

There you have it, bitches. If you want to fucking gamble, you know, this is it, Lee. What'd you like? Lee was cracked or other stuff. But you know, hey, man, everybody has their opinion. No, no, no. And he didn't say the pictures were going to lose. He said they were going to cover. And I hope they run. We had this discussion a thousand times about not fucking covering. I feel the same way with you. I really fucking do. Let me give a shout out to my on it, because I've been thinking about on it since I'm sitting here. That I didn't take a I started taking it when I was getting the headaches. I started taking the alpha brains again. Because I took a couple weeks off. And I'll tell you what, because I was just taking 95 fucking pills a day. I take my blood

pressure medication. I take all my vitamins. I take my fucking pills for the to make everything the heart and the whole thing that we eat the fish, cod oils, the whole I take all that shit. I burp a little fishy in the morning, a little sushi. You know, I take 1000 fucking pills a day. So and I take these multivitamins, I do this other intravenous shit. So I stopped taking the alpha brains for a couple weeks. I started focusing on the immune tech. You know, and I tell you what, man, I went to meet somebody. They do me a favor, people. You know, they had a chart on not good morning America. But you know, my show with with Diane Sawyer, that's my bitch and shit with a little hairdo. I love Diane. So I want to eat a fucking a little blonde 68 year old monkey. She's bang it.

But her and Obama's wife drive me fucking crazy. Oh, I love Miss Michelle Obama with all those teeth and sure that's a sexy sister. But where's my man? Fucking Leroy neck bone. I haven't heard from a couple of days, cocksucker. And my other black little brother, Penn Sacramento, I miss you guys. But what kind of cereal do you think Mrs Obama tastes like? Oh, like those black rice crispies. When they pop and as you're licking a little monkey here, a little asshole, oh, my God, it's just backfiring love, you know, the secret service is gonna come by now. Fuck the secret service. They know where I'm at. What are you going to do? I'm telling people, Miss Obama's beautiful. What are you gonna do anyway? We're talking about you motherfuckers that Diane Sawyer

showed a map the other day of all the states, the whole country, and there's two states that aren't really overwhelmed by the by the flu. And it's California, I think Hawaii, you know, California, Or everything everything else in the country was red and you know what people another way to prevent the flu is do me a favor If you're sick, you don't feel good stay the fuck home What a fuck are you going out for a coffin on motherfuckers the other day? I met some dude for lunch was sitting there and this motherfucker's like every 10 and I'm stone to the gills, right? I stopped over at Divine Wellness and I got myself one of those little kids It was like I had it was like Wednesday

It was like the day after the baby was born and I was home now and I could relax and I took that little little bites They call 180 milligrams straight up THC you could taste the dirt from the plant in your mouth You follow me and I ate one of those and I backed it up with a hundred milligrams of anti Sophia, what's an antelorus the Loris all fucking delicious those those hundred blue the blue package is the blue bites I ate one of those and I went to meet this guy and I was so fucking high in my own world He was just talking but he kept coughing And I kept looking at his mouth when he cough and I could see the particles like the color like I'm like Oh my god, and I sat there the whole time just avoiding this motherfucker and I got at one point

I just got angry I go fuck this guy right now, and he went to shake my hand. I knuckled him I got in the car and I had to wash my hands and whatever for breeze it when I got home What's the shit you put on your hands the germicide? Yeah, so Right germicide in my hand even though people don't do it because then you'll lose all the natural listen I just had contact with some fucking flu bug, you know, I gotta clean my hands So what happened had no nothing? Have you seen that direct TV commercial where the guy says this is worse than and then he goes

He said the dentist his mouth is open and the dentist sneezes into his mouth They played it. They put it on football yesterday, and it just it cracked me up He just this is worse than and then this goes how'd you run his mouth? He was sneezing chicks pussy No, what why would he sneeze little chicks pussy? No, you're eating fucking some pussy your hair gets in your nose You little tickle and you fuck I chew you don't say no no you gotta live a life You gotta get out more you know I'm saying house that little girl in Boston. You love it. You're good. You love Sucker he loves you he misses your little little monkey told me that he says you're watching but he misses it

He says you got him over here whacking off He's lost like three pounds of sperm since I last seen him look his titties look smaller Don't spit on that computer. It's new. I'll fucking stab you cop suck it anyway Well, I was saying this if you're sick, bro, stay the fuck home I don't want you got to make a living and whatever but it's up to you You're gonna get a fucking pneumonia, but do me a favor don't spread your shit You're fucking sneezing on your hands shaking your hands I think how much of a germaphobe I was if I was dating a chick I told not to pee in fucking pride in public places

Really did they did they do it now? They don't give a fuck women animals don't pee when they got a pee to me I brought wash my hands before I dare touch my dick really I go in the men's bathroom I wash my hands then I take my dick out then I wash my hands again I don't want to get no fucking other people's fingerprints on my dick and then you got to have some chick suck it now She's got your fingerprints in her mouth and she's spreading them around and she's cheating on you without even knowing She's a dick sucker by proxy now. I make out with her and I suck your dick by proxy. Fuck you I walk around with that shit in my hand. I clean my steering wheel every day. I don't fuck around man

There's too many filthy motherfuckers out there and there's filthy people out there There's people that have you know, there's people that leave their house without putting the odor around that's filth Yeah, that's filth why come from and then they go to the gym and they walk around with that onion Searing from their fucking armpits, which makes you know I should be able to fucking call the cops on somebody if I was a real crime stop I should be all the cops and say office this guy smells like he fucking jumped up and down and a fucking Dead-ass hole arrest this fucking guy. Oh Shit, what is your bitches mr. Big-time pimple, which one of my bitches called?

I don't even know who the fuck called me here. I'm sitting here like patients on a monument. You got it And that's all you know if you're sick stay the fuck home We're gonna be all sick for it's bad enough. You see what's good is your mother okay? I took some no no no everyone's fine back home But if they she was telling me she she works from home now But she had to go into the office and she she drove in and pay for parking instead of taking the train Cuz apparently like I would I almost made fun of her But I looked at the news apparently people are dying from the flu back east ten days

Ten fucking days my friends Tacey out here was sick for 14 days Jesus rides a bike and take care of the self and you know, I'm gonna go to acupuncture Tuesday I'm gonna have a do even she was sick. I couldn't go to acupuncturist last week. She that bitch was sick, too I'm gonna go start running. I wonder if she sticks needles as a self I mean probably is a fucking crazy podcast love. I love doing this. Thank you very much for watching this shit on a Sunday I know you're getting ready for football and whatnot, but I was talking about on it You know what add that immune tech to that add the immune tech get it right now go to on it Dot-com and get the three packets get strong bone get hemp protein and get the motherfucking immune tech and I'll tell you what

Beat this motherfucker before it spreads you feel anything they have that thing now at the doctor tana flu It's a five-day pill you take for five days. Just go get that shit Even if you don't feel just go to doctor tomorrow go down. I don't feel too fucking good Give me prescription a tana flu just so you have it So if you feel anything in your throat like a little tickling get a pubic air in there That's when it starts when you got a pubic air as you're driving. You're like, I didn't eat no ass today Why doesn't why does my fucking throat have that little tickling every time I sing or whatever in the car? Yeah, you're trying to sing a re-an when she comes on, you know, please don't stop the music

And you got a little tickle in your fucking throat. That's You get in the flu and you get a little bit of a headache and your back hurts a little bit And you already get the tana flu you pop two of those or one of those it's one a day You pop 3,000 milligrams every time you go to that kitchen Because vitamin C a little bit only stays in your system and you hit that chicken soup that Jew chicken soup soup That'll fucking help you some good fucking matzah ball soup. You made that shit There's nothing stronger than that stuff that the Cubans make some stuff. That's pretty good Mexicans got so far like in Houston you go to Houston to all those little Mexican restaurants in Houston

They come out the fucking chicken's got a claw in it Chicken soup in Houston talk to patios or something like that This motherfucker the chicken has a potatoes and vegetables and shrimp and they put everything they got like what do you got? Put a fucking leg in there put a dog leg. They don't give a fuck put cat ears Whatever and they have a chicken paw like you could see the three fucking things from a chicken Oh, I got this a clip blocking this beautiful place Get this fucking you have a you usually mess with me. I don't fuck with you. No I just noticed it that the people pissed off the same Joey and we can't see a beautiful John F. Kennedy fucking luck, you know

So get it together vanabels on my buddy fucking Joe Mootsu. Oh my boys are on Vanahen What I can't see without the fucking glasses, you know, I'm blind So we were talking and before Tom calls when you came in I was saying how and I want to get your opinion on it Um, I love Ray Lewis. I'm and I love what he's doing even though I'm nervous about him I don't I don't like when the players and and famous people always do the I think Jesus and without him It's not possible and I don't know it just makes me uncomfortable and I don't know how you feel about it People have their own beliefs and everybody's entire I believe in santeria. I believe in Judaism I believe in Catholicism. We all have a different belief, but I've never sat here and said praise the fucking Lord

I say praise the Lord. I'm stoned. You know, I'm saying thank God for giving me a couple joints today shit like that, but The one that bothers me is when you know, this motherfucker is not a practicing anything Yeah, that's the people that bother me when you know when you see some guy win He's like first off before you know, like I want to give thanks to Allah meanwhile He's fucking six white fat chicks. I'm gonna tell but meanwhile he's giving thanks and he loves his family It's like the big question for me lately is bro when you saw the baby to change your life No, it didn't change my life didn't change my life the first time I seen that kid I kept snorting and it kept robbing and whatever you have to change your own life

I like these guys that I love my daughter. I love my son But they're cheating on their fucking wife on the weekend. So how much do you really love your daughter? Your fucking wife how much did it really change your fucking life? Yeah, you know, that's what kills me about people Yes, when my baby was born. I got this little energy from her. I got to be a more of a fucking man now I have to My schedule's gonna tighten up But oh my god, it was the most life-changing go fuck yourself Go get a dick and put up your ass and the fucking suspense already

But it changed through all this shit But meanwhile, you know, you're still trying to fuck your receptionist and you're still a piece of shit in your normal fucking life You know what I'm saying? Yeah, at least with me, you know what the fuck you're coming from You know, you know, I'm in my lived in bold. I can't stand when people use religion as part of there That's what I don't like and I understand the question what you're saying. They use their religion as part of their It's their hook. Yeah, it's their fucking hook it's like when you go to a restaurant and In hollywood and you're sitting there and you listen to something on you like this guy has to be the gayest man in america

He was not born with that voice. Yeah, but everybody's got to have a hook. So people, you know, they got to save the whales Everybody's got to do something So people like them, you know I was still gonna add him hunt the last night. He was on Joe Rogan's podcast And we're talking about people who give donations and shit that they always want people to know you don't have to know Everybody needs to know shit blow it up. You don't have to know shit what you give You know, I did this I did that don't say character is what you're doing to like to turn the fuck off That's what character is

So I've never put religion. I've told you I'm I go to church and people like really Joe you go to church You're talking about mugging a hooker. Yeah, I don't go there and pray for my sins I just go because it makes me feel better makes me feel like I did something for myself that fucking dead But those people who you know aligned here, you know, chris brown Yeah, yeah, I'd like to take the look really chris brown really you fake motherfucker If you can't tell chris brown is a fake There's something wrong with you your parents did a shitty fucking job You know, you've got to stop buying into these fucking idiots to the fake

Yeah, these people that you see talking on tv a fucking fakes, bro Fakes half these personalities on these fucking podcasts are fucking fakes And if they contact me, I'll tell them which one's a fucking face and they know it They know that I know that's why they don't fuck with me because they're fakes They don't practice what the fuck they preach me. I'm a fucking scumbag and I did whatever the fuck But I give people the respect they fucking give me and the respect they fucking deserve you want respect You got to earn fucking respect But you're gonna come out there with that religious bullshit that you know

I'll thank god for praising halla or whatever the fuck go fuck your mother stop faking That's what keeps me to fuck out. Yeah, please now, but you know, it used to creep me out more 20 years ago It's like the guy's in jail when you go to prison The whole time you walk in praise the lord brother the lord healed me But two minutes there outside that fucking fence that bible was up in the air And then back out there smacking hoes and bitches and doing whatever the fuck I was never one of those You don't want man I get sometimes I wake up in the middle of night and I get so angry at my parents my mother especially

For raising me the way she did but some nights I wake up and I'm so fucking happy because she taught me the truth And how that perceives I could see a fake. I've seen a fake coming 30 years ago I could see a fake fucking person coming 30 years ago And the fakest people are some of the black people and some of the latins out here like the latins I deal with out here They're fake not like Felipe and George Perez and Gabriel not the comedians But like the Spanish actors that do all the organizations and whatever speaking of a Spanish mother fuck like this guy Oh, shit Okay, it's my brother Tommy buns. What's happening

What's happening, man? Tom's a girl on the line. I'm happy that you called up buddy. I've been thinking of you a lot. I miss you What's up? What's going on in Tom's a girl's world the executive fucking producer of death squad over on the other side What's going on? I'm doing good, man. I'm just enjoying this beautiful morning and drinking coffee and Rejoicing that I get to talk to my buddy Jose Diaz. Where's your wife at? Hmm

Casey oh Fuck if she's over there freezing her ass off right now I'm thinking about whether she should walk the hooters or where the fuck she's gonna get lunch at that's a nightmare right now being in cold weather It sucks dude, and it makes you it totally reinforces. I mean, I know it's a cliche But like the really is nothing better than living in Southern California, man Like when you get to when you're when you're on the road and you can you do like Winnipeg or Chicago and fly back here. You're like fuck that other city There's no way to live like that make that shit is to work

And especially after you lived out here for so long like, you know just to feel like this morning I had to get in my car at whatever and it was frozen, but it wasn't yeah It wasn't what it would be in New England right now that you got to start going to house take a shower feed the cat Wash your ass. Fuck the wife and they come out and there's still ice on your windshield You don't need an ice pick to see out the windshield. Oh, you start that shit up Do you know what they do in like the coldest places? I didn't even know this existed, man I didn't even know this happened like in in Calgary They were telling me that

You hook your car up to like some type of device That keeps the engine Warm, otherwise you have to get up Throughout the night to start your car So that it doesn't freeze over in like for the morning So if you don't have your engine heated your car just won't even turn on but that's how cold it is That's fucking crazy. We're so spoiled out here

I know we really are. Did you watch the colorado give the denver game yesterday? It was the greatest games of all time joey. It's one of the greatest Football games I've ever seen. Let me tell you something. Uh, lee lee say hello. Tommy. Tommy buns. Hey, Tom There's the flying june. So Hey, what's up flying? That's lee side at the flying june. It's so funny how you said that because lee I think either lee put it on twitter or facebook yesterday goes. I love playing our football Because the games are fucking sensational

Yesterday's game was sensational, but you also got to remember when elway Beat the browns with the drive. Oh that was that yeah 87 playoff You also got to remember when miami played the charges with kellen windslow Nobody in this room remembers that 19 january of 82 they went into like nine over times And san diego was snorting up a storm. I think they ended up losing a win I don't know the whole thing san diego lost, but they stayed down there with uh, Muncie chuck muncie and jones the dan fouts But uh, they beat the fuck out of kellen windslow

They would carry him off the field take him to the sidelines give him a bump They'd shoot up his fucking knee with some blow and some whatever they and they put him back out Then he catched the ball again. He'd get tackled They put him again shoot him up again and say it was fucking tremendous But yesterday was amazing and I and my heart goes out to that fucking dude from denver. What are you? Uh, what's his name? Oh, yeah, pain man. What a fucking yeah, I love that white motherfucker with all my heart I really do that's the last thing that as white dudes when you watch We talk about like um, how good certain players are. I mean you gotta think about this when you think about pain man

he Was on the colts For a year where he didn't play at all Just stood on the sidelines right his last year there and they lost every single game Once he was injured every game Then he comes to denver Which was so so and they win what 14 games? Like that's a guy who individually is that fucking good you play without him your team is shit

You get him and you're you win fucking 14 games. And you know what he's got another year left He's got another year left. He's got another fucking year left. I thought he was done Tommy buns. Oh, no, yeah, I thought he was done. I'm fucking I lied shit on that one That dude is stronger than ever and you know what he's gonna come back next year strong enough And elway is gonna put a fucking a security around them. That's gonna be like fuck I mean he had better than kennedy. I mean he I'm telling you if kennedy would have had that fucking protection He would have been not been shot watch what he's gonna do next year. He's gonna put fucking white monsters Yeah, he's it's amazing. I love watching and joe flocko my heart goes out to that dude because that dude's like one of us

He's been pounding this for years joe flocko He's gonna get in the head more than fucking juniors say out that fucking guy Can you believe after all these years now that football makes you go crazy? No shit And the best is when they call the NFL and they're like, you know, oh, yeah, we're gonna start a fund Yeah, they get off the phone like fuck those big-headed motherfuckers. Keep banging. That's how we make money helmets flying You get retarded. We fucking make money. Keep banging them fucking heads off the floor You know, it's crazy about the NFL because the NFL clearly they have to they have to dance the line Between obviously supplying this entertainment, but they also have to pretend like they give a right like they give a fuck

What happens to players? So the players union proposed having a sideline On the field concussion specialists on every team so that if a player gets like his fucking Ed rock he gets off and gets immediate attention and the NFL said no And then you go like what what do you mean? No, like you don't want A specialist that can like tell somebody maybe they got hit too hard and they were like fuck. No So they it's made that idea and they're gonna have to go and you know

Like the player team is gonna have to keep trying to pursue that but the NFL like clearly that's in the best interest of players But the NFL realizes. Yeah, but that's not in the best interest of violent hits that people want to see, you know It's uh, it just goes it's like Dana White in 20 years All these guys will be walking around with fucked up elbows and lumps coming out of their head and Dana What are you what are you gonna do? You want a good fight? They got to hit each other, you know What do you want to do? You got to break out the fucking buckets next, you know, what are you gonna do? I mean that's part of the game and when you're hitting people, you're not worried about your fucking head because you never think It's gonna happen to you

I think by junior so say I was family donating the fucking brain and starting all that fucking drama Hey, we know, you know, junior say I'll shot himself and my heart goes out to the fucking family I'm not goofing on that what I'm goofing at is that it's like a big discovery for them all of a sudden That it causes brain you ever hang out with football players You think they act retarded because they act retarded. No, they're fucking retarded from getting hit in the fucking head When I saw jack lambard shaving with shit water when I was 13 I saw jack lambard shaving with toilet water dog. Who the fuck does that? Where were you out of camp at offense defense camp in pittsburgh, pennsylvania me and dominant speciale

God bless his soul took a bus up there was him and jack ham's camp and I went in the bathroom You know those bathrooms that don't have to stall You know, like when you're when you're 12, bro, you shower in a fucking when you're 12 You don't want nobody seeing your dick. You don't want nobody seeing your asshole And you don't want nobody seeing whether or not you got hair on your fucking pubic You hide you take a shower in the fucking dark So and here I was a germaphobe like I'm telling this guy lisa at this morning I'm a germa. I walk into this bathroom to brush my teeth and I could smell this shit

Which right away when you're a germaphobe when you're 12 that destroys you're all in a bean I never smelled anybody else's shit. I had my own bathroom. My mother had money. We sold drugs We didn't fuck around with one bathroom for the whole fucking 20 Puerto Rican shit and fuck you I shit my own bathroom and I smell my own shit when you smell somebody else's shit for the first time That changes your fucking life like when you go you ever stay in a hotel with somebody and you walk in that fucking room to pee And it smells like that It it makes you hate that motherfucker like dog. What the fuck was that light of candle puts something in your air? I walk. Oh my god. I walked in that bathroom

I smelled this shit And I look in the bathroom like to brush my teeth and there's jack Lambert taking a shit with his door open And he's got shaving thing on his face and he's shaving. He's dipping the water He's dipping the fucking dick in toilet water with shit another person Are you fucking kidding me or what that's fucking that's a shout out for my man in Pittsburgh jay bashero Fucking disgusting fucking disgusting Football plays that fucking lunatics dog Dude, you just reminded me

I remember going like remember like uh when you're like 12 11 12 And you go to like in the summertime to like a swimming play like a club a summer Hangout place where everybody goes swimming And you go we would go to this place called rolling hills like a public pool in Cincinnati And you go to the bathroom to change And when you're like 11 or 12, there's nothing nothing more embarrassing Than changing in front of people at the age. You're not always hurry tiny You're tiny little prick. It totally it's fucking scares you you have like maybe you have a couple hairs

And if you came out of the water your dick is even smaller than it's supposed to be Oh my god, how in the hell am I going to go to karate in my karate suit and leave that I would go on the fucking bus with my karate suit and wait for you to look at me on the wrong side I'll fuck you up at that yellow belt I would choke it and I do that so I didn't have to change in front of the other guys And I had a big dip growing up my dick was banging plus it was on circumcised And I had that little bozo hairdo You know when you're 12 that bozo hairdo lasted me like four fucking years. I didn't get the full fucking patois

That was like a freshman by that time. I was slinging dick in the shower like I owned the fucking thing what? I hated showing my ping either out and then when I went to five star basketball camp I started changing in front of guys, but I always warned do it now at this age I'll show you my balls if you let me I don't give a fuck. Yeah Isn't that is that why twitter took your shit your picture down Why no the ball picture boy was there wasn't a picture just my balls was an album cover. I was making a statement That's a big fucking difference. That's like I'm some fucking, you know sandusky That just takes a picture of his nuts and puts him up there and wait through the first 12 year old that bids on him

You know I'm saying no I put him up to to make a statement like Madonna This is where my balls are from I'm selling this you know for whatever And they took it down, but no no I won't show you my ball like it's so weird as I got older I went from like uh one extreme to the other Tommy buns Yeah, one minute. I was hiding in the corner showering like a little fag and Once you go like I was telling I was telling these before you know I used to be a germaphobe until I went when you go to prison you lose all the phobes There's no more phobes. We're gonna do tell some six-foot-four black guy that I'm claustrophobic

They'll fuck you to death in that cell. You know I'm saying they'll they'll kill you So there's no more phobias when you go to prison. So you have to take a shower No, no, no, let me tell you why I take a shower boys the first time Sacred heart school for boys Let me tell you how that did one time. I took a bar of soap. I was lazy to wipe my ass I was one of those dudes. I was always in a rush I wouldn't wipe my full ass and when you're a kid your asshole don't burn when you get older and you don't wipe your ass You go to rouse with that stinky ass your ass is on fire. You got to stick your finger in there and move it around

And get that little shit juice on your finger You ever get that you're at the deli getting that free sample of ham and you got shit juice on your finger But when you're a kid you can leave the house with shit on your ass It's amazing It could be packed in there like a cannon and it sweats and you don't feel the burn or nothing because you got no hemorrhoids When you're a kid and I remember one time I went to wipe my ass And I put a bar of soap in my ass and a big piece of shit Came out of that bar of soap and this little and this little Cuban kid this little black kid that's on facebook

I think he's gay. He won't reply to me Lazarito Vela Seeing that I took I took the bar of ivory and I just shoved it up my ass and took out It was like a black and white bar when I took it out, right? And I'll never forget that the nuns found out and they made me take showers by myself I just because I had a dirty ass Hey Lazarito Vela, do you remember? He's on facebook. I tried to friend him

I tried read him a note Lazarito Vela. He's a black guy with a nice smile. He looks gay now He's got a daughter or something, but he looks kind of gay He's one of those guys. I had a kid didn't realize he was gay. What the fuck Has Kent Vela, has he accepted your facebook request yet? You know what we talked for a while online, but he's so retarded Kent Vela that poor kid You know what? I don't want him around me anyway to be out. Kent Vela was he was fucked up when I kidnapped him I can't imagine him now. He hasn't changed. You know, he hits me on facebook from time to time Like what we had messaged and I could tell he's high

You know, I could tell yeah, so you know what there for the grace of god go I you know what I kidnapped him. It was a mistake Uh, I feel bad. I paid my duty to society and I just got I thought that he wanted to talk about it And go on the podcast because it was just a goof. It was just a goof. Yeah, you know I'm saying we tied them up Put them in the trunk. It's like we bit slap them or fucked them in the ass or something You know that he had to go to therapy. We just threw him in the trunk and had some fun I think I think what I'm gonna take the most out of this conversation is uh, I kidnapped him. It was a mistake Yeah, you know, it was just a bad fucking day. Sometimes you got to kidnap somebody just to straighten them out What's going on in your world? Time to grow a talk to me

Well, dude, I um You know, I just did man. I just fucking I got my car fixed. I got I had a Uh, I have a convertible and I had the the soft top Rear window like I had to replace it because like plastic, you know over time The sun will like damage it and it'll turn colors and shit and you can't see out of it Okay, you know what the with the dealership wanted. I just got a fix. Yes with the dealership wanted to fix it They wanted $3,000

No, no you go on Vermont you get one of those mexicans on Vermont today's the swap meet Do you go down to Vermont past Santa Monica? You get one of those for $60 a little blood on it No big I got a fix for a couple hundred yesterday from uh, just like some car enthusiast who didn't charge me $3,000. No, they'll fucking rape you these car dealers They will they fucking they get you every time man Um, so I did that and then uh, you know, I've got a bunch of fucking road dates and all that shit coming up and um

Yeah, just working writing and doing the same old shit, man. I gotta tell you something. You don't know this but Uh lee the flying jew's a big fan of yours and uh when your album first came out We pumped it on the show without calling you because we both listened to it. I gotta tell you something What is it white girls with cornrows? That's a great fucking. Yeah. I mean, I gotta tell you I uh downloaded. I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing. I think I paid eight times for it Uh, I didn't really know but I don't give a fuck, you know people support me and you gotta support other people That is a great Um, you ever watch a ufc fight and they're like and you see a guy like last night the kid was picking

Nate mark one apart. It was a very technical fight You're a very technical stand-up comic man. I wish I had what you have tom Your writing is to a different fucking level on that album And I think Lee files. I think lee feels the same way we Discussed it how your and re cds were great, but yours was just a technical beauty. It was just uh If I had that talent, I wouldn't be doing this fucking podcast with this cock sucking jew right now I'd be at home scratching my balls drinking fucking jew juice No, but seriously, uh

You know white chicks with cornrows was a great album And I mean up there with bison tenio nigger by pry one of those type albums. It's technical It's real stand-up and I admire you to the end. That's why you called into that I want to tell you that I was going to promote the album for you even talk about it's a great album, man You're a sweet man. Thanks a lot joey Hey, you know man, uh I love being inspired especially when it comes to stand-up You know when somebody tells me they've been writing and all this shit and I go see him and they come out with a dirty joke

I get my heart broken. It's garbage. Yeah, you tell me you're writing and you're writing pussy jokes and Dead, whatever jokes. I don't want to hear that shit. Your shit is What I'd aspire to be if I had the intelligence man. So My heart goes out to a great fucking album, you know You're making me blush. No, I'm telling how it is. Sometimes I call people I watch the special because when you watch the showtime specials and you buy albums You're expecting this big fucking thing, you know, and that's why I don't put out albums because I never thought I could do What a lot of people do and you you want to be inspired. I watch d.l.

Ugly's especially at Denny's out there walking around talking to black people. That's not what I wanted to watch I want to see old time stand-up again and you're not seeing it I watched somebody a month ago and they told stories about celebrities. That's not what I want to see I want to see the setup and the punchline and your heart and your soul and and your album really had it man So I'll stop blowing smoke up your ass and love you for what the fuck you are cocksucker Thanks, brother. I appreciate what you think of the album. We loved it. Lee did it a couple times. Lee even told me Yeah, he goes. I really like that fucking album man. So I saw you in uh, San Diego with with Kyle Canadian. It was a great show

Oh, yeah, man, that was that was a blast man. He drove down there to see you guys. So he drove Uh, so this guy and I like when he tells me this shit when I talked to Lee Who's my partner in my cd and he goes bro? I went to see Kyle and Tom and they were great. Oh, he tells me he's going, you know, I love it because he's a real fan of comedy So you really did a good job on that time. I got a really handed to you if I was going to write a cd I'd have to hire you to help me because uh You're a fucking savage your tommy buns as a matter of fact. Guess who I got hit up by yesterday I got hit up by mrs. Chrysler on email. I'm gonna go over there this afternoon. I'm gonna invest in Girl Scout cookies for his two daughters

Me too, man. I got hit up yesterday I wrote them both back uncle buns is definitely gonna buy a few bucks me too. I'm gonna hit him up I got him for 10 boxes. That's not the best family. Are they not the cutest fucking family? Those two girls kill me. They kill me and louis leon is great. I mean, I love the crisis I really and the little girl the young one the one that looks like His wife leon. Yeah, the one that he says is hell on wheels. She is adorable. Yeah, she really is See that they send you the picture. Yeah Has any part in that it really fucking does it really? I love bird's fan

I mean, she's got big ziti for me But the girls those girls are gorgeous And the one's really witty and the one's like the devil and you love her you're like, this is fucking great and birds great around them I know but you think like you see those fail and you imagine Fucking There's no way this is a real thing You know, it's the cutest fucking thing ever though. I've done over 100 podcasts with beauty. I've done 50 with these I've done like 20 Joe Rogan's. I've done your podcast

One of the best podcasts we ever sat up on I think was the birth christian pilot that day with the family Joey that's that's like if I were gonna I've I've been a part of At least a couple of hundred podcasts that's the most hilarious and just Engaging and Compelling thing I've ever been around was you And mr. Christ. Oh my god

That's the best thing I've ever seen listen for people to get that out of me They have to be a certain type of person And I just felt comfortable around his family and I usually don't feel that comfortable around that many white people But let me tell you something his fucking family is just great and his father's great And I'll tell you Bert when I sit with Bert and I have coffee sometimes. I can't believe the guy's sitting with me Like I sit there and I go listen Bert christ Yeah, you know what I'm saying like he's such a nice guy compared to where I've always been Yeah, he's the sweetest guy. We're really lucky. We're really lucky. What are you gonna say to him?

Hey, Tom, I listened to your podcast and I was gonna say The next time you have Joey on you have to have him talk to your dad because that would probably be the same thing You know that that would be fucking amazing, man. We can probably set that up set it up. Let's do it Yeah, it would be pretty my dad loves to talk about taking shits So I think maybe we could have a pretty amazing segment if you come on And and talk to him. He has nothing but stories about shitting. Oh my god. I loved I took a shit yesterday That was brilliant. You would take one of those shits that you just sitting there and you're thinking about something But when you look at it, you're like, damn that mother fuck is long

I've been shitting these dirty inches lately these 40 inches because I'm eating high fiber And they come out with like the popcorn in them. I love when they have like designs in them Like you see what you ate like I used to I used to eat Swiss granola's all the time in Boulder. It's like a natural thing It's like a battle of granola with uh with yogurt and fruit and a little pie. Oh my god. It was amazing And I shit yeah, I like it's like a piece of art Yeah, oh the little granola it looks like those murals on the side of the five You know saying they have all different colors in them. He's shit. I like sometimes you get a little blood on it

That's tremendous. I just leave it there and look at it I popped a hemorrhoid last week and I popped it while I was wiping my ass You ever have that like you scrap the hemorrhoid Also, it bleeds all over the place and you're wiping and you just gotta leave a piece of toilet paper in there Fuck and you take it out later Does it hurt when you actually pop it? Oh, no, it doesn't hurt. You feel it's like taking a scab off your knee When it's wet or something like your hemorrhoid must have a scab on and I ripped the scab off And then I was just bleeding a little bit

But I don't even feel I don't get hemorrhoids like most people like that I get them once in a while You take a big shit eat a jalapeno or something next thing, you know, your ass is on fire If you strain do you remember? Oh, dude, you know what I realized is that when I first Got to know you And like Rogan and Ari that's when you know that I was I was literally traumatized By the Jew clam video of Ari's asshole. I never watched it. I I would never watch it or haven't no I never watched that. I don't want to see some it's one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life

I know Ari. He's a filthy fucking jew. He's one of the he's from the other side of the rocks in Jerusalem He's from the other side of railroad tracks dog and jew. That's a filthy fucking jew Filthy, I love him. It looked like a tire was coming out of yeah Like it has the flying duty I haven't I I don't I haven't seen that. I don't I don't want to watch two with two girls one cub. That's fucking weird No, I've heard about it. I haven't seen it It's one of the work and I was so I was so fucking stunned by it that fooled brian aside Uh red man, I was like, hey man, is he okay?

Like you might need to take him to a doctor or something and he just started laughing like oh, no He's fine. I was like that's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life was Ari's asshole. I couldn't believe he's shit out of that thing. You got to look it up, Joey I see I remember we were they were talking about it for weeks But the best thing ever we were in ontario And sometimes that ontario rides a long one and I must eat in sushi So by the time I got done say, you know when you eat sushi get a sudden urge to take a shit

Right at the sushi and then you gotta go to baton and take shits with other Japanese people taking their little wasabi assholes and shit. You can smell the wasabi juice in the air And it's so funny that uh I was I had I get down there and I take this shit and it's gotta be 60 inches But the top bit had a little bit of blood and I went to and I went to flush the toilet and I go, no, no, no Rogan was on stage. So I waited I went I kept giving them beers I kept sending them up beers give them a beer So I know he's got a little bladder when he gets off stage. He has to piss. Oh, and then I put green onions on it

And I put ketchup on his shit And this motherfucker came he was like, that was a great show. Oh my god I did so many goes right to the bathroom all of a sudden I hear. Oh my god He walks out. He goes who took his shit? And I go me like, Joey, you got to see a doctor. There's blood all over Oh You know, there's nothing like when guys get together and tell shit stories because we really really love them Yeah I took a shit in a box in prison

In a cheese box those government boxes I took the cheese out but I took a box and the shit covered the whole box It's like 36 inches of shit and I took the american flag off the american cheese And I put it under shit and I put the cover on and put it in this biker's desk Like one of these sons of anarchy. I put it in his drawer in his room in prison His room the whole fucking corridor smelled so bad. Nobody could figure out what it was When he pulled that shit cadaver out of his desk. It was a shit cadaver. It had like the mummy juice around it. It was in there for like a month

This guy was pissed. He was walking around with the box. Who's shit in my desk? And the shit is shrunken from like three feet to like two feet. It looked like snake skin How long did it take him to find it like two months? Oh my god, it was getting worse and worse, but this guy was a filthy animal. He wouldn't go in his fucking bureau Who doesn't go in a desk? So that's how I knew he was a filthy fucking savage. He wouldn't take showers and shit So that's why I took the shit in a box and stuff like that. Tom Segura. Where you at next week? Yeah, I'm gonna be in baltimore

at uh mcgooby's in baltimore, uh, what's up raven You can come and see me before the afc championship game and the week after in cleveland Seatown at the impromptu. So that's uh, so you're in uh, you're in the mcgooby's the 17th 18th and 19th And then you're at the impromptu 24 25th and 26 That's it Cleveland with lee my man lee With lee yes, and I suck on my love with his sleep apnea And that's absolutely and uh flying june good to talk to you man. Thanks buddy

I love I love for people who don't know your your podcast is your mom's house and it's great great podcast man Thanks, man. You're great. We're gonna have you back on again. Uh ds. Let me know you moved I heard you moved and uh, you got a nice place. So yeah, I love to come over That'd be great, man. I love you. You're the best. I love you man. Good luck with everything this year and we'll talk in a few weeks Okay, buddy. Have a great day Lee it's 10 fucking 30. Yeah, good pocket. Lee. You've been talking for two hours. You gotta get I've been talking again. I want to give a shout out and a special thanks for everybody who uh Gave me love this week over the baby. Uh, it meant a lot to me

I even cried a couple times because I couldn't believe All this love was on twitter and I talked shit about you guys about two years ago But now we've created a family and if you got questions Go to Jill Himitsu. She's my fucking underboss now. She's the gem of debt squad. I send her my dates. She's doing a great job Also this thursday, I'll be at the Irvine improv 8 p.m. Oh with my man. Yoshi We have a great two great podcasts the next day for you make sure you listen on wednesday We got Yoshi calling and the maker of the banana bread the original dory Calling in tomorrow. I don't know who's calling and I got a couple people on the line

Uh friday january 25th, please. Let's pack this fucking show at flappers. We got to show these christians Who's running shit that squad up here two two shows eight and ten o'clock go to uh flappers.com Clicking the burbank and get your tickets and also on the 24th the day before is the release of testicle testament for How are you on the comedy and what made me go on the comedy? It's a good one And hopefully we're gonna do another live testicle testament in february and take on the road this year anything from you leave What's happening in your world? Nothing just uh been working everything good. You're looking good. Thanks, buddy The beard's growing. You're like a terrorist knowing I want to see how long you can get here

And beside that do me a favor get your health in order this year I've been doing these blood tests lately, you know, you're doing all these shows and fucking calamari with you guys Makes me want to live now Uh, go to honet.com. They're doing great things for your health Even if you just get the starter package mix and match get the immune for sure to fight the flu Why be sick life is too fucking short Get the uh strong bones So if you're fat you can walk around and your feet won't hurt and your knees and your joints

And also try to have I gave some to my man epstein who called leinstein. Yeah, I brought down some Alpha brain. I brought down some immune tech and I brought down some hemp yesterday. I call he called me up He's like this fucking protein shake is Deliciously with a banana and an egg and a little bit of fucking peanut butter Unfucking believable. We got to get you on. Oh, I'll try you're gonna love it your fart smells It's hemp protein. So go to honet.com. They're great friends and they're looking out for you. Thank you very much We'll listen to the church of what's happening now. If you want to leave me a message go to joeycocodeas.net And go to that box there. We're gonna have a new web page up soon with t-shirts and cups

And the whole fucking thing. All right. You're happy now cuckucker. I'm unthrilled. All right. I love you guys Have a great day with your families. Thank you very much for watching the church of what's happening now Hit on me hit me with some fucking music. What do you got for me? I got a little depplin. All right. We'll fucking Oh, shit Oh Stop it motherfuckers that's as good as it gets right there. It was an April morning Wednesdays told us We should know

What let's draw me in Stop it. Have a great day It was an April morning And they told us we should go As I take you to smile at me after they say no All the funds you have to fill the dreams you always have All the songs to sing Be it life or drug it