Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 01/14/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #46

Episode Date: January 15, 2013

Brody Stephens calls in and reminisces with Joey about their time in Seattle. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Streamed live on 01/14/2013

oh shit we're early this morning we ain't fucking around no more the new England Patriots win we gets up he's doing join I came he was doing jumping jacks oh shit the Ohio players hit it brother don't love those people I wasn't doing trouble jacks yeah what these are real motherfucking black people right here it's funny on the album cover on itunes the way you walk they all have arrows oh what do you think they're gonna have fucking straight white hair with a little fucking plaid shirt on yeah these are hard-hitting banging motherfuckers that's his black collar on it oh yeah click that shit for these

people the church is what's happening now bitches Monday morning what's today's day talk like a the 14th oh shit it's all over this is when the real year starts right now we're gonna leave hit it gonna get your case hopefully yeah oh shit oh shit makes you want to go out and hang out with black people and jump up and fucking down the corner make fun of whitey and you see you can do that cuz you're Hispanic white people can't do that you could do whatever the fuck you want to do no it's America you can do whatever the fuck you want to do you want to put a hat on a pink fucking hat on right now with a feather in it

and just go to any corner get a bottle of fucking brandy and go hang out with some black people take it cool you just cool I'm sick of being fucking white and walking around eating tuna fish I'm switching governments I'm coming to hang out with the brothers where's the Ohio players one more time we fire you're slipping you're slipping fucking oh shit got me burning got me burning that means he fucked the white bitch already got gonorrhea in his fucking helmet look at me burning these oh shit Lee can't wait for the church what's happening now motherfuckers get up get up oh shit

come on Lee smoke some of this motherfucker shake what you got go Lee come on I'm waiting on you this is Monday morning I get the party started right brother these people at home they're drinking orange juice they're doing push-ups look like a waiter at fucking go go to child all he needs is a sword go Lee what's that a half a hit when you're gonna beat diet you're gonna start a flat and in your love I'm in my own house at six in the morning I'm cold you stop and shit about a word cuz you don't put the heat on you know you got the fucking heat on 48 like half a June it's on 67 67 what good

it the church of what's happening now people get up give yourselves a kiss but fuck it it's Monday you're awake it's a beautiful day to be alive they can't stop you know I'm saying wash your pussy wash your helmet get out there let these motherfuckers know what's crack I like it I bought a big shot out to the people who got me looking beautiful and healthy on it calm go to on it calm order that strong bones he could walk around and your joints don't hurt get that immune tech fucking tremendous the shroom tech the immune it's shroom tech immune I'm a little high I'm fucking sorry I fuck up the words like Ozzie and

73 with snow blind and get yourself the hemp protein that's what I have for breakfast today I'm feeling like last night I made a fucking hemp protein shake with a banana in it I got so stoned in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I couldn't take it I had those weight watcher the extra points you get the extra points on Sunday okay you get your lump sum for the day and then you get like 49 action points whatever the fuck they are you creamy or chunky peanut butter I'm a creamy oh yeah what kind of jelly you know they're very well she's well she's great right yeah fucking someone tried to tell me to do strawberry

right oh you want to smack him in the fucking face I don't listen you fuck with my peanut butter jelly sandwich I will fucking stab you yeah I like jiff creamy yeah I like my white bread why this can be like if you got it from fucking Chad Smith's house that's how I like my white bread wider than white I love fucking white bread love love love wonder bread oh but now they got that new soft and I don't give a fuck I know oh well my don't I don't give a fuck I'm telling you peanut butter what are you gonna eat peanut butter jelly the whole week whatever organic peanut butter that you know what happened organic peanut

butter you seen all the motherfuckers at the hospital with the assholes open with mr. peanut coming I just stick to what the fucks been working for 2,000 years right away I'm gonna eat organic peanut butter remember from Trader Joe's yeah they all ended up in the fucking hospital salmonella yeah salmonella so stick to what the fuck you know regular jiff what's the other one with the peanut with the fucking hat on skippy skippy whatever the fuck those motherfuckers have been around since Abe Lincoln and by the way fuck Abe Lincoln and fuck Daniel Day Lewis with his fucking Lincoln movie I love it that I go one

last night tremendous fucking movie I hate when they put together these big money movies and they pick like an actor and he starts walking around like a jerk off you know like you see him now he even looks like fucking Lincoln like I can't stand that shit I can't stand that shit and what the movie do oh god it did nothing people don't give a fuck about Abe Lincoln I hate that shit but there's always that group that they want to see more intelligent than everybody oh but there's a fuck about Abe Lincoln if it's not about Kim Kardashian sucking a black dick nobody wants to know about the intelligence in this country is gone

not because we're not intelligent or more because the fake motherfuckers can't even call it right they can't even call it right the ones that are supposed to be geniuses and all this shit Lincoln gives a fuck meanwhile some skinny kid from fucking Boston that I showed that movie Goodwill Hunting yeah that eats him Jennifer fucking Lopez pussy and got off track because anybody who's eats that ass for where's Mike whatever where's my ex-husband with a little Puerto Rican kid that did the heck to love what happened to him oh yeah that dude's in a clinic right now with tubes all over him with like the last napkin of her wiping her

asshole with sniffing it try that asshole fucking kidding on that music video that he's in where she's like on a boat he's just like rubbing her ass who's that Jennifer Lopez who's rubbing her ass but yeah he never recovered from that he even lost the way he took the way got in everything he said fuck it you know he's got a wig right no really word on the street and it smells like ten dead Iranians it smells fucking badly what's his name Steve Harvey finally took the wig off that black block fucking wiggie had on for years really I got from all I've known him I think I don't remember him not that's a week he sat on for years

that little fucking he bought it from fucking Sanford and sons family and shit he said like Red Fox his uncle 50 bucks and bought like the little wig and put it on Jesus like a little fucking black football home I'm in the 50s they wore those little helmets the leather helmets yeah the sweetest tremendous day on a Monday you know I'm saying I love I love getting stuff now I know why you like coming over you can't smoke weed in your house you can't smoke in the house no I gotta stand outside like a communist smoke on my body fucking it's cold you know what it's it's 40 fucking degrees in

California and I gotta tell you the rest of the world whether we listen to this podcast they're freaking out if you think the fucking rain kills these fucking Anglos out here wait till they wake up today in the frost and they're watching KTLA news they're showing the apples all cold everyone's taking their sick day today all these people pussies to the fucking max you understand you know like what's that thing in high school when they teach you a number you gotta put a number next to it to show the power like three to the third power yeah they're all fags to the eighth power hey once this cold weather hits they're like fags

to the first fucking power today won't come up and for me a guy like me I used to fucking mug people in this weather this is beautiful mugging weather oh yeah East Coast this is nothing East Coast this is warm but because you kick them in the fucking stomach and the gliding it's hold on oh I just shit my pants I think good bro last night I walked home and you know you have this shit I kept pushing it was all the pieces of shit that was sideways why are you pushing on the way on the walk home because I'm gonna get ready when I'm walking up the stairs come out like soft serve oh god I'm so stoned I've

lifted fucking joint 18 times I'm like a Jewish artist on a fucking Tuesday you know comes in knock the door tries it to see what's unlocked like I'm gonna leave my door unlocked for you I don't know I don't know you know make him believe you're naked make him believe your family I told you if I walk in I see you whacking off the church it's over I can't have that you're doing little cappuccino you let that in your helmet I have this new beautiful computer with a huge screen I gotta do it don't jerk off on the computer cuz I'm fucking stabbed you get blood or come on that fucking thing I'll check the fuck I want you to

cover the numbers to it just in case I press the T it's a little sticky T so so yeah did you see the fucking the line on the Baltimore New England game is already no England favored by 10 and normally I'd be nervous about it but fucking a no-name Baltimore player already started talking shit so that means the Patriots are gonna explain some to you for starters I want to give a shout out for everybody who called yesterday it was a great podcast yes great time with Thompson girl and my man Steve the fucking Philly godfather he was pretty good I went on his web page he spit out yesterday he went out

one-on-one you know he read the line wrong on the England I mean he forgot that that's Tom Brady he probably got that Brazilian chicken smelled her fucking muffler night before and ate that ass and I came out like an omelet fucking soldier you understand oh yeah that's high performance bro that's his high that's high level he does that more than he doesn't do that oh yeah he's the real do not like I said I was watching last night when that ball gets released but I was watching one of the games I couldn't believe how much time they had like that fucking offensive lines are getting great and when the playoffs you

see great offensive line there's no fucking around it's either the offensive line wins or the defensive line takes them over yeah somebody yes was it that's Seattle versus Atlanta in Seattle the Seattle quarterback had all the time all the time in the fucking world I was watching something yesterday I had my my cousin over my uncle's daughter yesterday from LA over and we had a nice time we played with the baby and stuff and it's so weird that I have my uncle back in my life again because I'm starting to write this I've been writing this book with all my Lopez but like again I'm not an author and I'm not a

writer I don't know what the fuck I'm doing but I try and that's the most important thing that I realized that with writing you know when you first get to LA you buy you buy all these writing books on writing and you read all of them but what the books don't tell you is to start fucking writing that's what you have that's how you learn how to write you don't learn how to write by reading about writers I mean you read writers work mm-hmm so I would read because key and all that shit and I would say I wish I could read I could write like them that's just like anything else in life if you say you wish you could do it you

could do it mm-hmm it just starts it's like watching HBO and seeing the comic going look at that fat Joey Diaz he ain't shit I could do what he's doing or better and that's how stand-up comics are born that's how basketball players are born you're a watching a fucking basketball game with the basketball bouncing on the floor and you're like I could do what the fuck am I talking about here Lee fucking Monday I want to be around little Tony Bennett for these motherfuckers what's going on if you're gonna be DJ Lee the flying Jiu-Jayette you gotta go together I had it ready you looking good today you're happy you

still love the girl in Boston kisses are mine here we go all right little something for my mom and shit to grandma having a hell where we're fucked he's got I love your grandma shirt now right now sit next to Hitler fucking idiot me you gotta be stoned it's Monday dog how am I gonna set these people out in the world sitting here like a regular fucking mope on Monday this ain't a podcast this ain't a fucking radio show this is too fat fucks hanging out getting high talking about that day and just encouraging people to get out there and do the fucking same

that means you gotta come on me sit next to me cuz you can't miss out on this part this protein banana peanut butter I can miss that no no no you don't understand I mean I want to be around oh shit oh shit Jesus see how he doesn't know that poor old lady you tortured with that part that one day I'm sorry no I love it but there's nothing like a Monday let me tell you something if you lived it up on a Sunday like a king the first we turn the music off for I'm serenading here you know I'm like Sinatra in 57 I'm serenading over the fucking music if you don't find that first part of the morning when you get

in the car with a truck on Monday you started up and you're sitting there and you're in there looking at each other you that first part don't come out it smells like something deadly you didn't live it right on Sunday it always smells deadly in the morning it's awesome not really not really I'm sorry I didn't know you were a farted connoisseur do it Lee it's fucking Monday morning you know and there's what pisses me off a lot of people don't know like and a lot of people do know this let's get down to basics here you know the new happy new year and then last Monday was the 7th and the whole

thing the year started today is the official start of the new year so do me a favor people get your notebooks out and write what you want out of the year right what you want out of the quarter right what you want out of the month and write what you want from today just write it down at the end by the end of the year I want to be a studio technician by the end of the year I want to lose 80 pounds and I swear to God next December you're gonna look at you go fucking Joey I did it I did it this year I did little goals I want to be on four TV shows or whatever you do but unless you write them or you see them

or whatever ain't gonna go down for you so I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you what these Anthony Robbins you got to walk through fire you're gonna walk through none you got to walk through your own personal fucking fire that's all you got to do get up get that fucking notebook write it down by the end of the month I want to be 10 pounds lighter I want to be thrown on sidekicks and I want to mug my first fucking Hindu and boom buddy by the end of the month there it is it will fucking pop up for you and you'll go Jesus Christ you know why the power the word like my man Jim Jim Handee said

what else is going on so you listen to that you know we're having an interesting conversation Leah I tell him so I like we were talking about yesterday I've always been a huge comedy fan and so I hadn't got into Aziz I'm sorry and people hate him like they hate Dane Cook and so I was on Netflix and one of his early specials not his newest one but it one of its oldest specials was on there so I watched about 20 minutes and I was giggling and I was telling you or when you came in that I understand why people don't like him because I giggled at some of his jokes but a lot of it is just he it's why he's good on that

Parks and Rec show he has an interesting delivery and that's what you're laughing at you know his punchlines aren't really anything to to be that excited about and I was asking you because I mean you have a very good insight to it is why I mean it's people like the comics a lot of the comics like universally hate him you know I've never really spoken to him but I like hates him they just can't understand where the hype comes from when most people most people at home going you know what Joey's a fat sack of shit I don't think the pop and that's understandable you know yesterday a lot of people sat there and goes I don't

there's people still sitting there today and dinner and breakfast right now looking at each other going fucking Tom Brady sucks ass yeah and you're like what Tom Brady were you watching because by now if you don't think Tom Brady is great you know sometimes you an after comes along or an athlete comes along and but sometimes what me tell you what I think it is honest to God I think it's like a social thing sometimes I see people that I look at I don't understand it but that's not I don't wish him well or wish him bad is what I'm trying to say I just don't understand where they're coming from and it takes time but

sometimes I think people just go for the race card like if I like this guy people won't think I hate Hindus people I hate black people you never gone to a fucking party and there's like a there's a white part of this but there's one token a black dude they have the family has a token black dude there and they make a big fuss about him to let people know they're not precious you know you don't have to let me know it's in your actions of what you do you know just because I say nigga or chink or whatever don't mean I hate black people Chinese people I love them I got all the respect in the world for fucking black

people I just say the word like a fucking dumb fucking immigrant that I am I just use that word but nothing I have no hate for them or whatever but there's people that don't know how to express themselves and that's how they do it well I have an Hindu friend just to show you how swarming and international I am you know what go fuck yourself and now they I do each other like now they first you start going to people's house they introduce you to like an Arab guy cool his name is like a mobby the coolest shit you know but then they start out doing each other like they start going after who's got who knows the

more original Arab like that now they got to get one with sandals on and the next reunion ones got a fucking toga on whatever the fuck it is on their head like a what do you call that shit I don't know you know the fucking thing when you were a turban on their head you know they outdo each other now when you go to a party in Beverly Hills they don't have regular black people they got like an African with a fucking horn come out of his nose that smells like a fucking zebra because you know we got to show people we don't know what we don't like black people we go right to the root we love Africans there's always people who

got to fucking be cool and somebody else why can't you know I love Hindus I love them all I talk to people every fucking day of different and I and I get a laugh when I go that's some of them in the video I made at math lab they still love me I love those motherfuckers that guy's getting yoked on them steroids that's a Hindu on Roy's that's getting you know he's on steroids I talked to everybody I don't give a fuck with national I goof with everybody you got a goof and sometimes you throw him off like that I was walking with some tight height if this guy didn't have a yama girl you would thought he was the

tightest white guy you ever seen your life walking at the hospital okay me and him walk together from the thing and we started talking about that your wife having a kid yeah yeah yeah I know what I said to him is we're walking in the elevator but don't worry your son's got a career and he goes what are you talking about you're fucking running with the Jews this kid busted on the elevator he busted on the elevator that's tight yet though you know those glasses to this way not even nerdy glasses nerdy glasses around this guy had those tight glasses yeah you know he lived in the Beverly area there where all those heavy

duty Jews are oh yeah by the bagel stores like Baton or Beverly in Lebray down there that's heavy duty that's heavy you could buy a machine gun down there you know I'm saying fucking an AR 17 and go fucking shoot peasants or it's like that place aroma on sunset yeah that's real and then nice people yeah every time I go like I sense over a dessert or he's very nice to my wife bro that's a fucking great idea for lunch my wife won't go for it though why not because I got packed a kid not okay oh she doesn't want to leave anymore no I gotta go to the doctor tomorrow so I might take her with me I you know I take

the kid out every day in the sun I don't give a fuck you gotta take him out people say you don't take your kid I was gonna say aren't days fuck you the son there's nothing better than the son plus they got a breed this polluted air it's good for the fucking kids lungs you gotta you know you gotta be honest you gotta keep in the fucking house I want to meet and cat litter I had the kid eat and cat litter the other day by the spoon how is she sleeping still yeah why you guys are lucky I got up before I go when I got up before I went right in I brushed my teeth I went in there I made some coffee and she was awake and I

played with a little while it was fucking great yeah you know she just giggled at me a couple whatever I don't even know what the fuck she's just moving her tongue around she's healthy you know I like I said I had a headache man for four weeks I don't know if it was my wife giving me the headache my blood pressure was up I went to the doctor I got a blood test it was stress it was distress but it was really like this pain in my heart stress about what would happen to my wife like what my what my life would be like without my wife killed me like I was like I don't I couldn't imagine a world without my

wife now I've been with her for so long and you guys are at home go enjoy what the fuck you were mugging people eat Lucy snubbishes ass hold out with a quail let me tell you something man Lisa young right now 24 it's tough to explain to somebody when you're 24 and you look at a woman you look at her as a piece of ass sometimes unless you're normal you're from a normal fucking background like unlike myself you look at a woman from a different perspective and I was with a woman before that gave birth and I watched it and that whatever it was no big fucking deal this chick here that I'm with I've been with her

for a long time T and we've gone through financial struggles and emotional struggles which is that means you're in the pit with somebody when you're in the fucking pit with somebody you know when I was growing up I wasn't a pit with Rago I was in a pit with Conti I was in the pits with you know I knew what was going on in their home I knew what their parents weren't there they were arguing that they you know their parents wanted them to be a cook and they wanted to be I knew what they were going through so we worked it out together you know that's different than the friends I have now you're an adult you know you're

established already there's nothing I could do to help you but if you and I were two junkies and we depended on everybody you had the car and you drove and I get money for heroin we go through something even after we both got sold but 20 years later you mean that much to me because we went through something together and that's really big love people don't imagine you know when when you're out there every day when I was out there every day those people I hung out with at a bar with that I didn't want to be with became my blood because we're out there for the same fucking cause yeah you got a hundred I

snort and if I get a hundred you snort if I find the truck to rob you get a piece of it and if you find somebody to rob you get a piece of it also and you become goombas from a different place your friendship comes from a different place like ours we're friends we fuck around but we also make paper together and we know what it's like we both eat in the fucking bullet we both have done something for free your time your time is very valuable to you and I take your time and you steal my time but eventually in years to come we'll build something together we'll remember this forever yeah you know 20 years from now

when you're doing the seminar on podcasting and shit they're gonna go to you know I know what it's like to you know and that's the things that are different you have to see like the people I talk about on this thing I got an email when I first started to show and they were like you know you talk about the church what's happening now but you always talk about the past because I wanted to show you guys the bonds I have with this with these people and how important these bonds are to me no matter what happens in my life these bonds can never ever ever be broken just because of what we went through together

yeah it's the church of what's happening now but I mean more more so for you because you're old and you went through a lot more but you wouldn't if you just ignored the past like isn't it if you ignore the past or do you know repeat it or what is that saying but like you have to look back listen I don't want to talk about how you got raped in the fourth grade every fucking day yeah but I want you to think about it yeah strengthening you and to strengthen your fucking day I don't want you showing up at work bringing pissing on my fucking shoes and I don't I would never go to your work and tell you the story about

my mom I don't want to piss on your fucking shoes on a Monday morning but as you're taking a shower and you're looking at your eyes and you're looking up to years and what come through your life and you look at your eyes and the wrinkle and you go that wrinkle it's from that time that this happened this is never gonna fucking happen again yeah stand me and today is the fucking day somebody's gonna pay me heavy for leaving this fucking house cuz you know why I might be black I might be Irish but I'm off fucking you and me when I wake up I go for it yeah gotta go for these motherfuckers so and I know you

haven't even before I ask the question I know what you're gonna say cuz you don't like thinking two weeks ahead but what when do you think you're gonna tell the your daughter what you've been through what daughter your daughter the mercy we just born home I'm gonna go home after I leave here and tell about I know that you fucking get crazy I'm not gonna have a towel really what I don't know I don't fucking know I don't know she's gonna read it she's gonna see it in my face like everybody else sees it what do you need to tell them I don't know what I'm gonna tell her I want to tell her the drugs I don't want to tell her that

shit I'll never smoke fucking enjoying in front of them I'm not gonna tell that shit no I don't want her to ever think that her hero gets hot and it's okay for her to get hot well not so much though you know we our parents are our heroes mm-hmm and I'll get arguments from this all over the fucking place our parents are our heroes they're our first fucking hero yeah the reason why we start liking Julia serving is because our fathers don't have an afro and can't slam dunk in the fucking living room but our parents believe it or not our mother is always our hero you know and our father is always our hero I never

you know when I was a kid I hung out with the Holloway's one of the bangin his fucking families I still talk to Roger and Pelle and Timmy Timmy just called me he did he was a getaway driver yeah I'm Michael's Julius and Roger's my brother because he was there he fed me they were crazy but you know what I respected about the father but he said I don't care what you motherfuckers do you will never get a beer out of my fucking refrigerator in this house even though I drink every fucking day and you know I drink and I know you motherfuckers are drinking you're never gonna get a beer off of me and you're never gonna have a

drink with me yeah I respected that you know what Roger and Timmy ended up with their own different situations in life because that's the era we grew up in but I respect that I don't ever want my daughter to say the same thing about my mother dog I hate the drugs did you know yeah yeah and I talked to people in fact I'm gonna have one of my buddies call from basketball and we just connected on Facebook and he was saying that hate him because of what a day I see what they did to my mother I saw her you know how embarrassing it was to be in the seventh grade or be a kid and your friends come over and your mother's got white powder

coming on her nose behind a fucking bar while she's mixing drinks talking to people they knew fucking people knew yeah and I knew and it bothered the fuck out of me the day my spirit died was the first I did coke two weeks before my mother died that I stole from my mother downstairs in the basement they were holding coke for people and that's the first time I did coke I didn't get it on the street I stole it from the fucking basement and I'll tell you what till this day it breaks my fucking heart because in the back of your mind I'll let you okay it's okay if I get high my parents do it it's okay if I drink alcohol my

parents do it in front of me I guarantee I guarantee you know I was talking to some lady a day from the haha Terry and she was saying that after you have children once you have grandchildren you want to do with them what you didn't do with your kids what you know with the mistakes you made you ever see wait till you have a wife and kid and wait till you have a grandchild and wait till you see how excited your mother and father get oh yeah my mom's already already because they know that they could get to do with you what they didn't do with them or the other way around I'm very sorry and ask them would you do the same

dumb shit you did before just like a parenting has its mistakes nobody's ever gonna be a great parent you just give it a hundred percent and you hope to God that your kids get something from it yeah something from you and that's it but there's things I ran on the back of my mind that you know I always knew my mother got high always knew I know the smoke pot my mother stole my little fucking plants when you're in the fifth grade in the first grade in New York you gotta cut up a milk container up and put dirt in it okay plant seeds in it and after the thing grows yeah have to bring it to school they give you like an A in

the first grade or in kindergarten okay my mother and Tita the Puerto Rican babysitter downstairs thought that was weed and they took it out and fried it up and then they realized it wasn't weed so they had to bring me another plant to replace that fucking plant to take into school in the first grade this when I was in Manhattan PS 166 okay so I know man I don't know I don't this is how I feel today yeah this is how I feel today you know what I don't want to do drugs in the house well you want to smoke pot in the house I want alcohol in the fucking but I do want alcohol in the house doesn't mean I'll drink it because I

grew up in my mother's bar until today I don't drink because of the stupidity I saw in that fucking bar that's what I'm saying I wouldn't say smoke weed and like and like have like a bong right there but there's a thing to be said for and I don't have a kid but I would imagine like in European countries where kids like Italian kids are drinking from eight not to get drunk but wine with dinner they don't become alcohol they really drink from me something like my aunt is Italian and she's like 65 70 and when she was eight or 10 they'd have a glass of wine with dinner and not it's not a science but it seems like a lot of

people who are exposed to it and it's not something forbidden sometimes they won't go out bro you're right no you're right hey listen when I was a baby they used to dip the pacifier and blackberry brandy and put it in my mouth and you go down like fuck you go down like they mark bar it's over no but yeah go down it's funny because you don't drink I mean every once in a while I'll see you with a drink or you'll have a drink on a plane first off I got out drink any motherfucker out there oh yeah I'm sure I got out drink people it's amazing I've done shots of ya in front of people and seeing people fall down I'm like my

tolerance is so high to it because it was in my system as a child I think when I was like three I saw my mother drink in a glass of wine one day like that Italian wine with the with the paper under it and I don't know that was real Italian one you know when you go to Michelli's they have the bottle of wine okay all over the place and I have the red the covers on them I see my mother drinking one a little glass and I fucking found the bottle and drank the whole fucking thing oh geez and my mother said she woke up couldn't find me called the cops cops came and I was in the closet shit puked all over the place and I

never drank again she was like you would never even fucking smell it like the smell of alcohol bothers me but growing up in that bar I also saw people's behavior that drives me fucking crazy yeah it drives me fucking crazy people's behavior on alcohol he and I was at the gym and some guy came in to see the kickboxing teacher okay his name is coach Dave and the guy was bombed and you could if the guy only knew I felt bad for a guy he kept getting on the mat and I kept saying dogs no shoes on the mat I'm sorry I'm sorry I love you Dave and he would yell out how much to put me my daughter and the kid in kickbox and you

want to humor the guy but in the back of your mind you know he's not even gonna remember this fucking conversation if I was to play that tape and show it to him he'd go what the fuck was I thinking and that's what more people have to do they especially now with cell phones you want to stop alcoholism show somebody what the fuck they act like when they're drunk who shot that fucking dog show somebody you know I was thinking about Denver I was thinking about the Denver card I was having a great time in Denver with those three little kids yeah then I was having this great time and I'm walking out of there

because the places get packed out of the UFC and I'm talking to different people Joey Karate what's happening what's happening what up man bugging people smoking dope and this guy grabs me by the fucking neck he's an egg Joey Karate who she snubbers then his dumb wife comes and she's drunker than he is she's rubbing the tits on me and I'm like really this is why if you're drinking and you're in a relationship pray that she smokes dope and that you're too not too fucking idiots like that's why my wife will have a cocktail and she won't smoke dope and I'll drink and do drugs my wife doesn't believe it so we're

yin and yang you know I'm saying yeah but when you get two idiots that drink or two idiots that do blow together that's always a bad combination the girl I used to do blow with the stripper but I found the fucking the other day she sent me a thing on Facebook it said whoa whoa what kid tell me how big and how long and I wrote back you know how big and how long you dirty bitch carol I love carol but uh what was I talking about I'm fucking high as a kite I want a couple does the same yeah when the couple does the same drug now you're both going down now you both end up in a fucking rehab both years of doing blow

both years of drinking so she's coming up rubbing her tits on me and they're like hey now Rogan and whether are you trying to call me and my wife's trying to call me all at the same time to find out where I am and I'm trying to say hold on one second they're grabbing my fucking shirt guy pulling me going Joey but I don't give me five fucking minutes and I didn't even say five minutes I turned around the guy grabbed me again I had to go off on him and I felt bad but it was the alcohol he was a fucking dummy yeah they were fucking dummies and you sit there and go you know and he wasn't young it wasn't like they were

20 either that's what really pissed me off they're in their fucking 40s they're adults man come on yeah you both can't be hang and I'm powdered fucking in stadium beer you got to control yourself at those fucking stadiums you get this I would never you know I don't drink on New Year's excuse me it was really weird this year people kept offering me drinks I was out and explain to people why I don't drink on New Year's and people couldn't believe it like really you haven't drank you and I'm like New Year's Eve since 84 since Danny be uncool or kid who calls into the podcast yeah bit off Roger Holloway's ear I will never

drink because I couldn't help him that feeling of being a New Year's Eve and you can't help your fucking buddies and you're defenseless never again and I put that in the back of my mind I never fucking get on I'm fucking New Year's especially drinking get that fucking drunk so for 2013 focus on the weed stop with the fucking pills and stop with the goddamn uncle and those pills are just as bad and don't get me wrong I used to love a good fucking valium or quail with some cocktails because when you're doing blow you need to take down you need something to fucking bring you to sleep mm-hmm so good can I

eat anything I eat anything in those days as long as they got me the fuck set Cody oh I like coding I had it for cough I had a cough ones when I got bronchitis and smoking the hash they gave me coding and I loved it you any left no it's what's on the ice-cube smoke a few fucking bomb hits forget about it's going to what time you gotta go to work tonight back with us seven o'clock seven o'clock yeah seven to five I yeah I don't I don't mind the nights but I think the next gig I get I would prefer to be days is it over by your nights I know I mean I don't mind them especially doing this but it's last week was tough

because I didn't do that whole schedule when I was off for two weeks and just around three o'clock in the morning like fuck I just want to go home but uh but it's not bad but what I was gonna say was it's uh actually because it's like having a kid freaks up it scares the shit out of me and I have kids who are friends who had kids when they were 16 18 so and I can't even imagine and I think you having a kid when you did I mean it's probably the perfect time because you have so much experience and well yeah the kids were 18 do it I don't have understood that either but you adjust see you adjust when you part of

being a fucking man part of being a human being is here what's that what's that you would hear the situation you uplift yourself you you rise up and you fucking the occasional you fail you know so what you have two options here you don't know I like people that always say did you prepare for this child nobody prepares for a child you have a you smoke a joint you're horny you watch some fucking porn whatever next you know you're banging your wife your girlfriend next you know she's telling you're fucking pregnant you know yeah there's some lucky fucking boys out there that plan to date when they're gonna fuck

when they drink wine and they look at each other and put on Bert back rack and they fuck missionary style they have a child that's great but I bet 70% of kids that are born on a fucking plan yeah you just give a mom a stab on one night you think you're fucking pulled out but uh it ain't that fucking it ain't that easy and I knew it I knew it because I was getting holed up and I thought to myself I gotta stop shooting blanks and mama eventually she's gonna get pregnant sure enough she got fucking pregnant but I might know I'm not sad about it you know for a few weeks I had my fucking doubts so the phone for a

few weeks I had my doubts but I gotta be honest with you my goal I disappointed my first wife so much mm-hmm I disappointed in so many ways and the one thing about me is I don't mind pissing you off Lee but I don't like disappointing people I know how I feel when I get disappointed by people yeah especially when somebody vouches for me the worst thing I want to do is disappoint them I really do there's no worse feeling for me I fucking can't stand my ex-wife I can't stand my ex-wife I know that if you put in a room within 20 minutes I'm gonna stab her I know this that's why I hate going to

Colorado for anything for anything because they're in the area and I know that all I need to switch to set me the fuck off and a bad couple weeks and that that thing will push me right over the fucking top I'll show up in Boulder with a knife barefoot fucking Irish a Jew star on my fucking forehead made out of fucking pigs blood you understand me ready to stab motherfuckers but but I can't really you can't do that you know so you control yourself you know life goes on Lee Lee yeah can I give a shout out to some people me today oh yeah I'll leave you that what we gonna ask me cocksucker nothing all right let me give

a shout out to some beautiful it's a Monday what do you want me to do with me it's fucking Monday I gotta give a shout out to a special chick that I love on Twitter because I always torture about a little Jew pussy that's my girl Jenny Friedman she's a little dirty animal I want to give a shout out to Nicholas 48 great guy Matt hate Brody you bad motherfucker Scott free declare O'Connell Saxon you're another bad motherfucker Patrick Adams and the podcast pit who's always there for me and as usual fucking on it calm and do me a favor go to on it calm go purchase whatever you're gonna purchase go to the box pressing

the code church and you're on your fucking way or madflame I don't even know what I think it's church it's church CH you are CH for you fucking people that fucked it up that they got like a couldn't get it to the spelling bee why my phone keep ringing who the fuck keeps calling me you know I'm saying these people have no class they know I'm on the fucking podcast they continue to fucking torment me do you see a fucking I can't believe it and I hope they're good just for their sake but do you see that Schwarzenegger and Salon have new action movies coming out what are you gonna do it's fucking Stallone looks

good Stallone looks like he fucking is taking all the steroids he just takes whatever whatever they have he looks like a beast but it's Stallone what now this is a movie that I've been watching that something blows up yeah that's all those movies oh and there's another diehard another die hard yeah no no I do this son it's a let me look and see what the movies are called the new diehard title is just awful it's a fuck a good day to diehard which is a fucking awful title and then let's see what Stallone's new movie is why I saw Stallone's new movie I couldn't fucking believe it that listen man for years in this

country nobody fucking knew you know Charles Bronson when he was 64 he was making those death wish yeah don't get me wrong I love Charles Bronson and all but I didn't want to see him matter and they've already announced expendables three pick up the phone somebody's trying to call here no one's calling he just told me he's trying to call here no are you sure I'm positive this is why can't answer a fucking phone god damn it because that's what happens when are you sure nobody's trying to call he says he looks just text me twice looking at it right now maybe it's the wrong number you're trying to call it the number I

text you because we're right here right now it's not coming through yeah call one more time thanks what are you gonna do you know I'm saying things are slipping are you slipping over that Lee is it connected you sure I don't understand this shit because he's texting me telling me he's trying to call and the phone's not ringing no you can't have the silence Lee you're killing me are you sure it is connected I'm sure it's connected all right fuck it that he's not calling what are you gonna do he just I just talked to him on my phone he says he's trying to call yeah

I don't know I scribe I mean I'll call it to see if it's working but it says it's working holy shit anyway what the fuck you won't play some music for something Lee you fuck let me just test this to see if it's working I'll play the music right now I'm not really gonna do don't play no music yeah I just called it's working yeah no it's working I don't know what he's thinking then what are you gonna do I don't understand this I do not understand life sometimes but what are you gonna do you just make the best of it you follow me yeah that's weird but anyways yeah I don't fucking all those old people like all those died hard and

stuff man that's and people and people are gonna go watch it's gonna make 20 million dollars and it's just it's crazy I listen man I got blessed God I know when I was a kid and Charles Bronson would come out with a movie towards the end die hard eight not die hard death wish for and all that that that I was embarrassed for him I was fucking embarrassed for him I really was I couldn't understand how the fuck people want to see this but and Stallone looks good have you seen him does he look good yeah I mean he looks like he's in shape I I mean I can't imagine if he's healthy look below those steroids but

but he looks like a monster you know listen let me tell you some guys and I've had big issues with this and I talk about it on stage sometimes I'm 50 look at my face I know I'm 50 look at my hair I know I'm 50 nothing I could do will ever change it from you follow me from being fucking 50 I could dye my hair like I do for commercials and when I when I booked something I would say dye your hair we've had this fucking discussion you know and I a couple years ago I seen I was watching the MTV Awards I was scrolling and I watched all the MTV Awards and I see Diddy dancing on the sides and here's Bruce Willis dancing

next to Diddy with that bald fucking head now don't get me wrong I love Bruce Willis I've been following Bruce Willis since he did Miami Vice the first episode where he played Tony Armato the guns dealer have you ever seen that fucking episode no oh oh he's fucking tremendous and in that episode was when he caught on to whatever her fucking name was that's no no that's when he got a that's when he got the I don't understand he says he's going straight to voicemail now it's it's like the never-ending fucking battle for life here truth justice and the American way you know talk to these people from it all right fucking I don't

know what's going on but something you always say is people change stuff that that doesn't need to be changed fucking Apple is changing shit and I don't know if you saw there's a story today that they had to cut their orders for the parts for the iPhone 5 and half because people aren't buying it because it's not that big of a change so I don't know if it was because Steve Jobs Steve Jobs is gone or what it is but the people aren't buying their shit anymore dog you can't keep coming out with something every fucking six months you just can't it's just it's basically impossible you're insulting people's

intelligence after a while people cannot be that fucking dumb people cannot be that fucking dumb yeah they cannot it has to stop somewhere I said a long time ago unless these phones I get has machine guns or bulletproof fucking shields it's a fucking phone guys and they're just adding more and more stuff to it I love the camera the iPhone 5 I think you could shoot a fucking tremendous movie with the iPhone 5 I just can't see another 400 so how many phones they put out a year to yeah it's one or two a year and they come up with a new a new computer every year and I know this means nothing to you but so the mouse

that you plug in as a USB and everyone uses USB Apple has that but they came out with a new one that only they use and of course you have to plug it into your phone so you have to spend 30 bucks in new wires that's why yeah it's fucking they're gonna bang you out at every level and you know what after a while it becomes a fucking it becomes like you're embarrassed it becomes a fucking embarrassment like you're like really guy again you're coming to me with this shit and then they change it completely over and you as a customer you want to support it but you can't you're like I can't keep doing this

because they keep whacking me up I know people get pissed at iTunes I love iTunes people get livid at iTunes like dog I will not buy anything from iTunes and I understand it you know I'm the same way with AT&T sometimes I don't understand these people with the iPhone that the service falls and you're still gonna look me in the fucking face and tell me AT&T is what you want to use okay you want to do business with your fucking sir you're paying all this money for this shit to go down every you know I just don't understand it so eventually shit's gonna taper out let me tell you something we're going into a

high year now remember the people that work over the people that really spoke well I shouldn't say that the people that spend money others in this country are us other people that don't make any fucking money we're the people who spend money the people you know we're the ones that go to restaurants people who make 250,000 a year or whatever the fuck the time the reason why they have half the money is because they fucking hold on to this shit you understand they hold on to it this shit in their home eating Wonder Bread and tuna fucking sandwiches you know and driving a BMW to show people they have money God forbid

God forbid they couldn't have a BMW an Audi or let people know how they fucking live but at home they're cutting fucking corners and they won't go out those miserable motherfuckers with the other ones of us the people come to the comedy shows the people that support us they fucking barely fucking making it but they're out there they come and they give you the fucking support and they come and give it to you and it's unconditional the next day they're on Twitter and they're fucking loving it because I'm not stabbing them every eight fucking months with the same jokes at the same app eventually you'll

tap out but if I show up every 18 fucking months and I have something to support it use motherfuckers who come up even if it's to come after the show and get high how many shows have I done the last year or people like dog I work you know I do shows on Thursdays I'm going to San Jose on a Thursday a lot of people work Fridays but they'll come out and get high they'll come out and fucking get stoned when I go to San Jose I gotta sleep for three days that's why I don't do the weekend in San Jose what I think I don't do the weekends in San Jose or in cops because you have a weed hangover the last time I did cops was when I ate that fucking edible that

I'd be up you came out of my asshole it just flew out of my fucking ass so this is what I'm talking about yeah you know you can't go to these people's well all the time these people fucking work hard yeah these people fucking work hard the money they it's like me dog I work hard for my money so when I go leave you and I go to breakfast where do I want to go to breakfast a place where I pay 18 dollars because they give you two eggs in the design nice later money you think McDonald's is open because people are rich have you ever gone and looked at that McDonald's breakfast at 399 the two pancakes oh that one yeah you ever smell

it smells like cancer smell that platter from McDonald's the fucking the scrambled eggs without the yolk oh god smell it's cancer yeah it's can't see you like oh this is cancer same fucking thing people going in by why because it's 399 yep it's 399 it's part of that budget it works for them what are you gonna do they don't do a fuck yeah and I it's it was interesting because I I had people my mom didn't understand it but I grew up in a my parents moved into a nice town before I got nice and I worked at a CVS there and I ended up switching I moved to a town that was a little bit more middle lower class like

not lower class but lower middle class as opposed to higher because I always like the people who live there better and I worked as a waiter for three years the people who are rich didn't tip the people who are who went out and only went out once a month or whatever they would give me the nice tips because I knew how much you needed the money that's right the people are fucking rich with the BMWs that come with the nice shirts and we just came from Bali and all this shit you people could all suck my dick yeah I don't want you around me anywhere with your fake fucking attitudes and your fake outlook on life

with your fucking Africans at the party it's not like a zebra to show everybody how cool and how nice you are I don't want you fucking around me anyway yeah it's these people these people on Twitter that fucking support us the working fucking stiff just like us I gotta leave here and go do shit just like them you think I go home and pot of my fucking balls and count 20s you're fucking mistaken you're fucking mistaken Lee's got a day job I mean you know I still do you think you think I want to jump up and down on fucking two and a half men did you see that yet I don't know what the search was it Christmas episode or something I don't

fucking know when you're a jerk you reduce you reduce all this shit I mean let's look for it but you don't have to fucking do it yeah you're a douche two and a half men you're okay but the worst one I don't know if you've ever seen it but American Express makes this card it's called the black card right and you can't you know if there's a hundred thousand dollar a year minimum which means you have to spend it there's no limit so you could buy people can go and but you can buy a car on right you that's how you get it and it's made out of metal and shit I worked at a nice seafood place and I had two or three times

where people walking with that card and not tip I'm like they're spending a hundred grand a year and not fucking tipping it's and those are the same people that you look at at the party you know those people are such great people and they're such geniuses they're fucking scumbags because they have no contribution to the human they don't give a fuck about that the people next to yeah it's fucking if you don't give a fuck about the people next to you why the fuck are you doing this absolutely I can't do this shit I can't rob people without a fucking gun I feel terrible if you're gonna rob me show up with a

fucking gun you know I'm not gonna put a gun out now in my life I got a couple pieces hidden but I'm not gonna show up to you guys I want fucking 92 hours for a t-shirt a little fucking Joe Diaz what the fuck is wrong with these people yeah I just can't do it what do you got I see it I'm trying oh Jesus oh my god they're really skipping and dancing do you know I can put it on I'll show you thank you Alan but you'll never be up a little bit if I may throw in my little bit more oh there you go you think I gotta do that shit because I gotta work to like the

rest of you motherfucker so when I go for Chinese food I want the biggest bang for my fucking buck too we're laughing about Lee cock sucker it's because I haven't listened to the lyrics yet and if you wanted to find this on YouTube guys it's you two and a half men your douche epic musical season 10 episode 13 oh god and it's you were telling me because it was right you you filmed it right after that actor and it just came out that he's coming back Angus said that the thing was disgusting it was that way it was that week and I haven't done it but we talked in a like I think was yesterday or Wednesday and he said that you don't

like like tampon commercials and you're thinking about your douche your douche and it's in prime time television so I can't wait to listen to it and it's fucking crazy but yeah it's so I know I know you do by me especially I really appreciate the people that we have like that are so nice and and someone hit me up yesterday they want to send send us shirts and stuff and it's just it's unbelievable people are throwing small companies and it's great oh we got a call coming in it's me cock sucker I just want to test it he said he called over 20 times I'm gonna get nobody called here over 20 times what are you gonna do

oh shit I thought I thought I thought I was high I was like holy shit why do I hear him on the phone I got some fucking spit on the camera people hit me this George Cavallo cock sucker anyway who gives a fuck no and that's what my point is I never listen 20 30 years ago I heard in this country that when a car would come out like let's say Chevy or Ford had a car they would park the car in the dealer for like two months before that would have with a sheet on top of it and it built a suspense up for people people really enjoyed you know suspense but it was once a year you know I don't mind getting rape once a fucking year

for an iPhone but I could see it coming and it's not the iPhone it's the iPad so they're banging you four times a year and they just came out with a small one yeah and the best thing about and what's the ripoff you the cord from the other one don't work well the cord doesn't work but the best part is they came out with a three and like the screens better and it's faster but they came out with a smaller one after that and it goes back to the old equipment so it's not even the best new screen and everything and these idiots will buy them so they can go to a coffee bean and show people how look at it it's not the new

one how's it work oh oh god yes it's uh it's spectacular you know believe it at home take leave it home you're fucking jerk off you know they got to bring it out to show people how cool they are to let people know they get financing at Apple and they got to get raped and they take the classes so it's you know half of the shit people do it's like when you go to you know you ever go to a concert concert t-shirts a fucking eighty oh yeah of course eighty dollars to have a haul an old shirt or something why do you buy that shirt let people know you went oh of course you know I was there I was there in front row fucking right

there he looked at me get the fuck out they probably left at the first intervention you know I love it when and it's just to let people know of the things that you've done without letting people know what you've done but it's great I don't give a fuck I get crazy about it I just hate people who have that attitude yeah like this is what look at me you're fucking jerk love you also pay eighty dollars for that fucking shirt look at you you cock sucker it's a beautiful fucking day to be able you got some music from my man Brody Stevens is gonna call with some positiveness for you fucking motherfuckers on a Monday

morning let's see let me tell you something I love Brody and it's funny because I was thinking about Brody for the last couple days and somebody hit me up on Twitter last night saying have you heard from Brody he might be a little box again and I called Brody and spoke to him and Brody sounded fucking tremendous so people stop worrying about fucking Brody Brody's got it together but he's gonna make it he's fine I got him out of that fucking stupid brain thought he had that people you got to think of what people are thinking all you got to do is get up in the morning give it a hundred percent let them think

whatever the fuck they want to think because when you go shopping there's nobody there with a credit card helping you out when you go to routes am I there fucking with a high fucking envelope for the 20s jumping up and down fuck no I wish fuck no that's how you man I watched Carrie the other night no you know I read that Stephen King book and the story of Carrie really shocked me what's that I haven't I don't know that one Carrie is a you never seen Carrie with Sissy Space Act is it the one with like no more wire hangers is that it I don't know what the fuck she had a tampon or something on tampons at

her and when she goes home she's into telekinesis when we spoke about in the podcast where you move shit yeah which had he wrote two things they threw him away when he got home his wife said oh yeah you've ever written well the other night it was on Carrie was on the other night okay let me tell you some guys this movie is from 1976 which makes it you know 30 something fucking years old 37 almost 40 and I'm watching this movie with my wife and after 10 minutes I look at my wife and I see my wife like what the fuck and I'm going Terry this is what I'm talking about and again you guys gonna get pissed off me enjoy what's up

with the movies from the 70s this movie Stephen King wrote it and Travolta's not even the main lead in it they don't even push him that much he's a boyfriend to one of the girls that's a little cock sucker too and the movies about this girl that has a period in the shower and all the girls but they always thought she was weird and all of us have a girl that we grew up with that thought it was weird in my life as a girl right now on Facebook her name is Nancy I can't say her last name she's fucking weird she says me Christ things every day we were growing up she had fucked up T but she's a sweetheart of a girl she ended up

looking up at this guy named radio Joe right that was a fucking goofball he was like six four four and he was goofy and I seen him electrocute himself one day and me and venerate my buddy who owns if you know Paul yeah Watson get electrocuted one day we nearly fucking laugh we died a laugh how do you let you get himself doing something with wiring he was because he was one of those goofballs that was always wiring shit I invented a battery that shows lights at night and one day he fucking came back as close of birth radio Joe that's what they fucking call them but he's a good dude but anyway it's about

this chick and now these guys get together they want to make it feel good and they say take it to the prom this one girl who was Amy Irving she was Spielberg's wife for a long time you ever seen the movie traffic yeah she played the wife Michael Douglas his wife okay okay that older woman she was married to Steven Spielberg one of those chicks this was she was just an actress uh-huh and she's a nice girl that like like Terry like my wife just very nice very thoughtful of other people's feelings and she said and don't forget to go to Bert Kreischer and tell him you want to buy Girl Scout cookies his daughters are

going for some fucking Fort in Indiana or something like that go to Bert Kreischer's Twitter and tell him you want to buy Girl Scout cookies beside that so they want to be nice to her or some shit so she gets her boyfriend who's a good-looking blonde guy to ask her to the prom but these evil kids get together and go listen let's kill a pig fill a bucket with blood and when they win the prom queen will dump the fucking blood on them holy shit and cold hearted yeah 70s you know so this girl goes home and she makes a dress and the mother's like a religious freak go in the closet and pray you know the blood

comes now the boys are coming you know and all this shit and it's sissy space act who's a good-looking piece of ass at the time you know she's like a white chick with freckles and like that beautiful strawberry blonde hair years later she did a movie with Mel Gibson that's fucking great I forget the name of it right now but they're properly getting taken from them or getting flooded or something like that but a sissy fucking space if they go to the prom it's Zito from Miami Vice it's a it's White Tech from Miami Vice the river is time of year the river fucking great movie so they win the thing and

also they're receiving the award and they pull the thing and the blood lands on them the bucket kills the kid hits the kid in the head and she starts looking at the fucking windows and the windows start closing and also she takes a hose and makes the room get hose down with water I mean it is fucking classic she kills every kid in the fucking school holy every kid in that room she kills with her fucking mind lights the rule because then they get electrocuted teachers are getting electrocuted touching the microphone going run for the doors and all this shit then she's walking and now the girl and Travolta

gonna hit it with the truck and she turns and the truck goes off and it fucking blows up right it blows up shit she's walking home covered in fucking blood she walks in the house she takes her dress off so the mother doesn't know what happened the mother comes down and she starts fucking tormenting her like I told you not to go they were gonna laugh at you and all this shit and the mother's fucking sitting there see if you find the carry carry the mother's like I told you not to go blah blah blah you're a whore and all this shit she goes fucking nuts and kills the mother by mistake with her mind oh carry it

carry it the prom you want to yeah they put two fucking hands two knives in their fucking hands see if it even I don't even know what which what would come up let's see I have to sign it it says it says this is inappropriate for some users so oh no no this is 1976 when movies were fucking movies not these little faggot fucking movies you kids are watching now so she kills the mother right she kills the fucking motherly yeah this is nine minutes okay you can play it just to show you just play it just so people can hear it mm-hmm is she going up to the stage already yeah she's on the stage it's an overhead shot of

the blood and you're gonna love it just leave it on while I tell the fucking story okay so she goes in the house falls apart she dies and the mother dies that's a fuck they shoot to Amy Irvin's room Amy Irvin's the only kid that lived her boyfriend died everybody fucking dies yeah all right everybody fucking dies yeah next thing you fucking know the phone rings and it's Amy Irvin's mother picks it up and she goes oh she's fine you know she can't recover from what's going on all her friends have died but I can't answer the phone for any more reporters okay you know she hangs up the phone and

also they go to Amy Irvin and they see it you show Amy Irvin sleeping and she's got a dress on with flowers and she's walking towards whatever his house okay carries house and as she turns there's a sign that carries property and this is house for sale and I says burn you hell you fucking bitch but she's just a good kid and she goes to lay the flowers down and a fucking hand comes out and grabs a Jesus Christ me and my fucking wife shoot ourselves and I'm like this is what the fucking 70s were about you understand me yeah this is in fear that they dumped the blogger yet no it looks like they're about to be I in fact I'm

so jazzed up I might have to hit this fucking ropes two times oh this is tremendous Carrie 1976 the prom scene and hopefully they show everything and then you'll watch it this is the mind of Stephen fucking King I wish I could write like that really different this fucking messed up this is a movie that made you think twice about being a here it goes oh my god oh shit this is great for the so for people watching that's four minutes that they were waiting for the bucket to fall on her holy suspense at his best people they don't even know how to do that today they have no idea how to do that today you know saying don't

worry about it brother we'll try it again it came through over here we can't figure out what's going on so it's coming through here I'm calling it and he's calling it it's coming through so I'll give you a call late after the show so we'll try to get next week brother holy shit so for people who the bucket just fell in and hit the prom king but they all they had for the audio is a blood dripping because they're talking and nothing there's no sound this is fucking creepy this is fucking movie making you hear the mother oh this is the mother in her head she's on the stage here in this yeah

fuck I'm a nightmare here's a real movie ladies and gentlemen watch this when she goes when you hear the fucking things going eat eat eat that means she's killing motherfuckers and there's not one black kid there she's just killing white people you prejudice mother holy shit oh my god the mom's ain't gonna laugh at you holy shit she's closing the door with her fucking mind oh my those little ee ee and means you're dying motherfuckin fuck the shining people I'm giving you carry for the fucking night that's your

homework assignment I'm going to see a lake is tomorrow I'm fighting over here by myself these are the raunchiest worst parts that have ever come out of my little fire oh shit yes is this my little brother yes it is captain Steven even Brody Steven I fucking love it how you doing buddy I'm doing great I'm up early it's feeling good we're going for coffee today over at Marie T what do you think we're gonna coffee at about eight o'clock it could happen you don't get at least I act the flying Jew to come out with us we'll smoke some dope we'll do the fucking ball the whole thing you're ready you sound like a million dollars

Brody well you know no I don't know you sound like a million how about 1500 I'll take it I'll take it now you sound good Brody what's been going on talk to me just been busy doing shows work doing people working over at the burn with Jeff Ross helping out over there doing war doing some audience warm-up I've got my HBO show that nobody watches that I talk about I'm watching a couple of times what's that I've watched it a couple times and I've talked about are they bringing it back do you think they're gonna bring it back there's a chance you know that Martin Lee sack you know a powerful Jewish guy negotiating

the deal so we'll see you know I hope there's a season two me too me too you know so that would be something that's exciting to do but you know I just try to do my comedy try to do my spots at the laugh factory get up at the comedy store you know just keep that going all right what are you going on the road anytime soon I'm gonna be in Columbus Ohio with Little Esther on January 19th next Saturday I'll be in Columbus Ohio what's the name of the club little I forgot how you doing a couple different nights at Little Esther or just Saturday night just Saturday night it's a one one one-time deal okay and how you

feeling beside that how's your health how's everything going talk to us Joey my health is good I went to the gym last night I'm on the elliptical for an hour I'm really cranking it up I'm doing stretching at home I got a spin bike at home and we're watching the Golden Globes I'm just you know I'm not young anymore so I gotta keep it going I'm gonna keep the joints loo they got to keep it all going what do you think of the Golden Globes last night I was a little upset that so the lighting playbook didn't win much you know it's like my buddy Bradley Cooper did a great job great job great job very impressed with

it but you know these foreign guys they like that Les Misere ball thing whatever Les Misere Les Misere all yeah I don't even know what it's called Les Misere block you know anytime these fucking people these fucking boys he is singing they go crazy that's why dancing with the stars biggest show on television these fucking boys love that shit these little wasps you jump up and down they go fucking nuts and God forbid Russell Crow singing and fucking who was the other guy singing with the pork chops isn't that one of the fucking yeah Hugh Jackman the fucking what is he not spider-man but he's one of those man

Wolverine yeah Wolverine he's dancing sing what type of fucking wolf do you know dances and sings with a bunch of Harvey fucking homos not much huh the fuck no but and half away when I didn't watch him I just read I can't watch that shit what do I give a fuck there's some good speeches good stuff but it was alright it was alright I was just a little disappointed that couple movies didn't win that I wanted to but it's okay what was the other movies you were cheering for well silver lining that was the one I was cheering for that's my fucking movie right there I got it at the house I'm gonna watch it again I

loved it I loved the Nero in it I love Paulie Herman in it I loved your boy Brad that's the first time I've really really gotten into Bradley Cooper the girl from fucking what Hunger Games now she won something correct she won the Golden Globe for Best Actress wow wow and the Nero was spectacular in that movie she beat Meryl Streep yep Meryl Streep is the kiss of death I think it was Meryl Streep standing outside a World Trade Center with an umbrella up and down that bitch couldn't win in fucking Sin City that poor bitch she couldn't win a raffle in the fucking church isn't she loses every year right

she won a couple of us okay I thought that was the one I thought that was the one Meryl Streep has won a lot okay I'm sorry I'm sorry I should have said that about Meryl Streep I thought she was Suzanne Lucci's cousin you know they can't win a fucking she's worse than I am she's the kiss of fucking death she was sitting she was cheering for fucking she was cheering for the fucking Texans yesterday that fucking Meryl Streep that's what happened what else is going on my little brother always great to hear from you I don't like too many people in the Hollywood area but you you know when I see you how big my smile gets nobody

makes me smile like you cock sucker you know I get it I'm back in the Valley Joey you know I know you mentioned Hollywood I was actually in the heart of Hollywood it's too much you gotta be in the Valley where it's you know you can relax a little bit of have some space have some park you have some peacefulness and then at night you're gonna jump into Hollywood go ahead and do it but I'm out in the Valley I like to I like to be on the suburbs let me tell you something I lived in Hollywood for you know what's crazy Brody I'm gonna be here 15 years now from from Seattle where we first met yeah up in Seattle January 29th 1997 I

think is when I came so it's really 16 years that's amazing that I did that long ago me you and Yoshi were up there fucking Josh Wolf who's a friend of the show I mean we were all together up there doing open mics on a Monday night and you know what man I could live to be a hundred I'll never forget those Monday night open mics never yeah they're they're great at the comedy underground a lot of come on a lot of camaraderie it was Seattle was a great spot for me then you told me to go to New York to go to New York get out of there yes yes you had to show up there with Tana we really did I think about those Monday nights a lot

and how they turned me into they worked on my manhood and my you know remember we used to promote our own shows and then go to McCormick and Schmitz and get the happy hour from 11 to 2 do you remember fucking Josh Wolf I will write Lobo loco I mean those are me in jail for fucking smacking Carol in the face and eating her pussy and tying her up and hanging her upside down those are good times I miss that shit I miss being on probation beating people up for those beating people up at the underground I had that fight that night with Ron Reed the people who smacked Ron Reed there's a lot of action in Seattle did you get

an argument with Al Fox too Al Fox yeah we all did we all got into it with Al Fox he was like the paraplegic up there he was something correct and he would he was a jerk oh he was a jerk that's what I'm saying he was crippled but he was a scumbag most people who are crippled they're fucking humble they come over they drool they fucking hang out with you not this motherfucker this motherfucker would tell you to go fuck you so you go fuck you so fast fuck what I'll smack you one-legged motherfucker he was a nasty fuck we had some crazy people up there that was the first time I really noticed that was crazy because of the people

around me what about the guy that used to show up with the handcuff on what was his name he died he killed himself Jeff Masterson Jeff Masterson I mean these were people that then you had Sue Palu and you had who was the big big chick that was that won the Seattle comedy competition what was no no that was the black chick what was the white chick that was about 500 pounds oh oh piggy platt she was very sweet very nice lady she was very nice why he's not alive anymore no I don't know I don't know I know who's definitely not alive and that's the the transvestite we used to torture what was her name with the big

head Rita oh Rita oh Rita oh died from falling down and banging her head that's how big her head was she was a little big how big was he he he yeah Rita oh was fun to me she was a good sport Rita oh was a great sport man so I had to stay with her for like three weeks one time it was amazing I was eating her Valium's she had more pills in that fucking house than anybody I had ever met but the best night ever was what what was that club we used to go to oh my god it was up up and that's not that city it was called with a bee or something on Tuesday night in Brent not Bremerton but the one close to us it was

close to Seattle was like a shitty neighborhood where Carol my girlfriend used to dance coma not the coma was north it was north like 15 minutes and there was a club every every around there yeah the guy didn't want us to be dirty he would say please don't be dirty was like a foreigner like an Arab or something please do not be dirty in my club Rita oh was dirty and he threw Rita oh so I convinced Rita oh to go home and call President Clinton at the time and she fucking went home and called the White House all coked up and called the fucking president left a message that's how fucking crazy Rita oh was you could do

that you can leave a message at the White House yeah she left a message for the fucking president that night saying that there's they won't let a transvestite be dirty up on stage in Seattle please call it back eat this needs to get taken care of that's when I realized how crazy Rita oh was and that was before cell phones she actually had to go to a payphone to do it no she had to go home and do it she actually went home and called the White House that was fucking crazy yeah that she there's a crazy times up there in Seattle you're right like how that was a great time to grow Seattle is a great town for that

good mid-sized market especially bringers gonna start doing comedy I don't know how to see this now but back in the 90s the mid 90s Seattle was a great yeah it was a great scene it was crazy because if I worked really really hard in Denver I would get on stage maybe 15 times a month and that's working hard that's driving to Cheyenne Wyoming that's getting on midnight fucking open mics on the other side of by the movie theater where the guy killed people I forget the name of that town yeah Aurora that we used to do a midnight show once a month at a fucking bar it was horrible and I moved to Seattle and I

was doing 30 to 32 33 sets a month I still have my notebooks from Seattle you know there's no comedy yeah I just have the dates of all the shows I did I was averaging 32 to 36 fucking shows in Seattle you you would hustle I would see it you were a big hustler and put the time in and bringing that in that East Coast energy and it was rock and roll you know yeah then you it's a move down to LA yeah it's crazy because and then you came about a year after I started seeing you doing your fucking thing I was always very proud I came down I came down in about 2000 and then we were on together the best damn sports show and I

would see you once every other week whenever I they would write a sketch from me me you and Rich Williams exactly you were you would crush it every time on best damn sport we were having a great time live live live the audience live yeah we had some good times man you know it's funny some kid hit me up the other day nice kid Justin Claudio nice kid just overcame Balkans and he he hit me up and he goes I want to open for you in Columbus and I was like you know what what gives you the fucking right you know I see you fucking around on Facebook all the time I don't see you out there every night there's a and I was

mad about it because it's like these people are mistaking doing jokes on Facebook forgetting out there and one thing about me and Brodie Stevens that I'll testify to and Josh Wolf for that sake is that we're comics because we're comics we worked every fucking night Brodie we did some wild shit up there in Seattle there was some wild yeah rooms we did and I've done you know these people are mistaken Facebook and Twitter for doing work you got to get out there every fucking night if you're gonna be a comic that's the first thing on my mind is where I'm gonna do a set everything else is background fucking

music so and I know Brodie's out there working every fucking night so yeah I'm out there pretty much every night you know you gotta have your you gotta have some quiet time you gotta have you know gonna be able to reflect but if you're gonna tweet do it in the afternoon you know how I'm saying like you know but it doesn't replace stage time no that's like states time is everything gotta get up on stage it's everything it's everything what do you got planned the next 30 60 days what are your eminent goals here in front of your brother I've got San Francisco comedy festival doing that the sketch fest at the end of the

month I'll be a Chelsea lately again on on the 31st of January February I got been to go to gonna go to Phoenix with Steve Wren is easy early part of February we're gonna do Phoenix for the weekend so I'm getting out there Joey you know I got Columbus on the 19th yeah and that's a wooden tavern Brodie get the name of the towel it's called woodlands woodlands tavern it's a woodlands tower 1200 west 3rd Ave and they get the tickets on on the brown paper brown paper it doesn't say this on the Facebook thing but probably yeah and they say you can call a static dog entertainment 81800 287 3149 and get

your tickets now and go see Steve go see my man Brodie Stevens and a little s to that sexy little fucking cute thing from Chicago and Brodie I've been wanting to have you on on Monday for a long time because your captain positiveness tell these people what they have to do today for it to be a fucking great day tell these cocksuckers you gotta drink your coffee you gotta smoke a little pot you gotta get the blood flowing you gotta do a little stretch and you gotta write some jokes you gotta like call your family you gotta check in you gotta feel the sunshine in at night you gotta get you

well too during the day you gotta make sure you have a good breakfast and decent lunch and then at night if you're a comedian get out there on stage be around comedians write those jokes network put the energy out get home get some rest do it all over again yeah I love you where these people Brodie's my friend on Twitter follow Brodie I'm gonna have you on him two weeks ago on Monday to let these people know about the woodlands and what's going on I love you buddy thank you thank you for always being a friend of a brother to me man all right stay black all right you filthy cocksuckers out there thank you

for another fun filled podcast I'm sorry about Duke Roof is not getting through again go to honnett.com purchase your 3-pack purchase the fucking shroom tech the immune the flu's hitting big it's everywhere except for two states get out there shut your immune system down you don't want this fucking flu you ain't got ten days to be on your fucking ass not in today's world number two this Thursday I'll be at the Irvine improv tickets are still available it's gonna be a fucking party I'm gonna have Yoshi down there I might even bring a loaf of banana bread down there next Friday January 25th on my flappers two

shows 8 and 10 get down at again's gonna be a great fucking show and then February 7th just announced I'm at the San Jose improv get your tickets now I will not be in Vegas with Joe I'll be at the Columbus funny bone February 1st and 2nd I love you motherfuckers what's up Lee nothing fucking what do you got from me I love Brody and for people who haven't we briefly talked about it he has a he had an HBO go series yes that's fucking amazing I loved it I loved I love Brody Stevens I know what the fucking people killing me for but that's it it's a great day to be alive it's Monday like I said go to on it I got

those dates testicle testament gets released on the 24th how I got into comedy for down 99 and I'll tell you the pain I went through in the anguish because it's not easy but it's there for you what do you got from me Lee I got a raptor oh shit played on for these motherfuckers have a great day go out there show the world your balls tell them you're a bad motherfucker at least I had throw my kiss the flying Jew I love you cock suckers t-shirts emails at Joey Coco Diaz dot net we're getting some more shirts on their JR's work and we got a long sleeve and a coming a church of what's happening now with the

Jews face on it that's it hit Lee you