Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 01/16/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #47

Episode Date: January 17, 2013

The highest church ever recorded. Dori, the creator of the famous banana bread calls in. Also, old friend George calls in to tell his banana bread story. Dont miss this one. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount. streamed live on 01/16/2013

This podcast brought to you by anac.com Look at Lisa at dancing giggling the church of what's happening now January 16 2013 you bad mother fuckers you what Oh You already have me more banana bread than I should have eaten Are you kidding me what six motherfucking am on the west coast nine on the east coast What's happening you bad motherfuckers you that I got carried away there We need to make an iphone alarm clock happen. It's just you with different music. I love

Call fucking festos on the line get the guy from apple on the line. What's his name? Steve jobs you can get nice guy If he's dead get the other guy, what are you gonna call the other Ashton Kutcher, what are you gonna call the other guy great greetings the church of what's happening Wednesday The 16th of fucking January you're halfway there It was just Christmas and you're halfway fucking there and you know what jolly John Lennon said what have you done? Get up off your ass do a jumping jack bang one out take a shower wash your pussy make some notes What do you want to do with your day read a book fuck the news that that media machine that tells you bullshit

They tell you what you want to fucking hear not what you're supposed to be fucking here what they want you do I'm sorry, Lisa. Yeah, what's the story with the flying Jew today? I can't tell you how excited I am to be here, man. I And I know you don't people don't want to hear this, but I think people who listen work and go through the same thing I had a fucking shitty night at work. What happened. I called you you upset. No, I was I just Well, talk to uncle Johnny Sit on my lap. I got some banana bread for you. You fucking stroked my back when he got in here fucking weird, but um This industry man, there's fucking 20 certain people there at night, and I spent 10 hours a night for the past week doing nothing

I was watching Netflix movies, and it's just it I came out here 3000 miles away from my friends and family because I wanted to do something and it's just fucking the shit out of me like And this is the second or third show this has happened on for me And I'm just getting sick of it. You just go there and do what nothing I watched I watched a fucking Where's the fucking editing thing? Where's the fucking people that are the editors are everyone's there The editors are there during the day. I'm there at night Assistant editing for them and there's just nothing to do for some reason because they have eight people there

So the little bit of work it's done in 20 minutes, and I'm stuck watching a documentary on on Wrathals all over the fucking world fucking when you go to Africa you can bang some chick without a fucking oh, it's cheap You want some reefer? No, I'm all said it was in fucking like uh, India It like I went on google because at all this time and I did the math It was like a dollar 20 for fucking everything A blowjob fight to the face the whole thing around the world. Yeah around the world you for a dollar 20 No, it was in india and in thailand. It was like 30 bucks and in uh In mexico it was like 15 bucks, but would you around the world with a check if she let you

Around the world is a sexual position. Oh, what the fuck is that position? They put like a tongue in your ass Oh, you gotta You gotta breathe in that little muffler. What what the indian prostitute was talking about a frozen blowjob Where she puts an ice cube in her mouth and at the end she sticks it up to the guy's ass How much is for that 15 bucks would you pay a 15 for that's a and and uh You made fun you made fun of me once because of the girl outside of the ha ha where I got stuck and I didn't I didn't recognize it But you did I I don't think I could go for a prostitute man

And maybe I've heard other people talk about it and then when they go to max you never got a prostitute No, are you ashamed that you're embarrassed? I think I would be if I got one So don't feel bad. I told you I'm not Because you have that you have that fucking you have that story Yeah, but it's not even about that. I don't know what happened to me I don't know what happened man. If you've talked to me if you listen to my words You're like joey's a prostitute massage parlor type of guy. I don't like people touching me. You know, uh

It's funny one of my my wife's friends was talking after the baby was born in the hospital And I told my wife I go, you know, she's gonna go home and she goes, you know, she doesn't like sex And this is a knockout of a woman, but I could relate to her You know, when I go on stage I'm like goof on sex and shit like that It's because I goof on sex too. I never liked it either once I got left back Once you get left back over pussy, you're not gonna go back to that fucking monkey Like I fell in love so much with this girl's pussy and the idea of sex. I didn't like it anymore I I never really liked it. I remember it took me years to get a blowjob, Lee

That see I love I mean I love sex But that's the thing and I'm trying to work on it because I've had a couple girls say you need to be like more vocal like Like asking like like I could never be like a goat cake set my dick or something And I like I want to but like it always it always feels weird as a guy. You're a sweet out of a guy I'm a sweet out of a guy and I don't like that. You know, I talk a lot of shit You think I go home and tell my wife to suck on my fucking dick. She would fucking stab you know what I'm saying? So it's just you know, it's whatever you're talking, you know, whatever you make you swap and spit

Everybody has a different thing for it. But yeah, the point is I'm I'm fucking I'm stoked and I'm not I never like I don't even like people touching me. I like hugging people like when I see him I don't mind giving a friend a brother a hug or a woman a hug But uh, I can't even go to a massage parlor Like I went to a massage parlor in michigan one time on the drive back because you know, I started comedy in dearborn michigan That was my first real Fucking job paid gig that it was seattle and stuff like that. But the guy up in michigan liked me in dearborn That's why I'm so I love michigan. I'm gonna start going fucking back there. I got some fat man alert fat man alert

I lost six fucking pounds. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, man. Just and you know what just uh Drinking water, you know that pregnancy water hanging out with my wife for lunch and dinner. She killed me But I don't hang with that. Hey now. She probably doesn't even cook for you anymore. No, she hasn't cooked But it's just good because I'm making salad Yeah, listen, there's nothing wrong with getting a nice little head of lettuce She cut that motherfucker some peppers red peppers green peppers Got some tomatoes. They only got listen. I don't get the best fucking produce out of here. It's january So I got a make up with what I got

Slice the tomato stent throw some in there and I'll make some tuna salad on the side I like that. I throw it in there a little vinegar a little white vinegar a little oil old school oregano A little fucking wasabi and the tuna to give a little fucking bakalush. Forget about it. Yeah, I made a chicken fried rice I see that I seen that you put a little picture. You love chicken fried Oh, because I it's the only thing I can cook and I can't are you cooking you got a walk and everything No, no, I just I I Saw it to death

No, I'll just not a lot of soy or heavy soy kind of like the green soy with the light less So, oh, no, it's right. It's regular so I should sticks right to your fucking titties. Look at my titties I got big special, but that's the only thing in it titties down You know I'm saying this guy norland steak house or some smoke house Said, oh, why didn't you put bacon in it? And I have bacon in my fridge. I was like, oh, maybe I should but then I'm like, I mean it's I was looking at it Other than the soy sauce. It's all healthy stuff So right chicken breasts, right nice a little egg

I have three eggs. Oh, yeah, you cut those eggs is the whole patois the pork fried rice And then I had to stop on the way home because I made it yesterday and I couldn't eat yesterday I have a whole thing of it. We can eat it. We're gonna have to eat it afterward Yeah, we're gonna have to show the people how the fucking and it's like Jew chicken fried rice But I couldn't eat it yesterday Because I love putting peanuts on top of it like they do at the restaurant and I didn't have any So I went I stopped on the way home and I got some peanuts you put peanuts on chicken They put it on like pad Thai you put it like you crumbled up and put a little bit on top. That's not chinese though

Fuck i'm not chinese Fucking the first time I spoke stick to the recipe bitch You know, it's either blue cheese with my wings and go fucking mother. Well, we all know the fucking rule That's what sucks. It's people like you that put fucking peanuts on pork on chicken fried rice. Don't get me fucking started They put it on like on pad thai have you had pad thai? That's the thai people. That's not chinese people Don't fuck them and pick a flag con sucker You gotta pick a flag, right? It's all the same. It's new. No, it's not the fucking same You don't tell somebody who's chinese. They're fucking pad thai

You don't tell somebody who's pad thai that they're fucking chinese you follow me Someone who's pad thai well thai whatever the fuck they are. They're flying kicks. They kick below the waist Fucking What else? What do you got for me con sucker? uh, I was wondering what you thought about this because all over the news is uh Lance armstrong And I don't fucking it doesn't I don't know the way let me say something about this guy You ever go to austin texas? No walking to austin texas go to a restaurant and talk to a few people

Yeah, we talked to six people three of them will tell you he's a fucking scumbag Oh, yeah, I heard he's a scumbag three of them will tell you he's a scumbag So, you know what man he got what he had coming to him. That's it. This is the life is very fucking easy I like these guys that pretend listen I was a fucking criminal and when you seen me coming down the street You knew that guy there has hit somebody in the head That guy there has done thing you pre-qualify and hey, I ain't mad at you. I do it all the fucking time Okay, I do it all the time. So I understand your fucking pain

But here's a guy that prayed himself like some fucking You know like some fucking tharzan like some fucking preacher Those are the people that bother the fuck out of me like we discussed religious people that sit in the front pew And they shake everybody they sit there with their wives and they hold their wives hands in a week later You see him at the strip club, you know trying to give the chick 20 bucks Fingering and shit and being a filthy fuck, but on sunday. He's in the fucking first pew me From the minute you see me, you know, I'm fucking coming and if you don't act like that in your life Well, then you know what they're gonna figure it out. It's worse on you. It's worse on you

Yeah, because for me when you see me you like I know what that guy's about when you see lambs now He's like, look, what a nice fucking white guy. He's hanging out with cancer people. He rides a fucking bicycle You know, but little did you know he lied but most importantly lied to himself I mean this guy's the kisser fucking that he he fucked Cheryl Crowe. She got cancer That's how much this guy this guy's a fucking ball of fucking cancer Because he took millions and he didn't put a fucking gun to nobody's head if you're gonna rob somebody put a fucking gun to the head You're gonna rob these poor white people with your fucking lies. I mean, that's why people are fucking pissed at him He went they got him 80 times going. No, I never did steroids. I never though

They even got him putting his fucking hand up. This guy's got no he sold his soul He sold his fucking soul to rock and roll He's he's definitely a douchebag, but uh, you're a jew. You're a flying fucking jew One thing about you is you don't even have any heart to be a douchebag. You don't have any heart So rob somebody there's people that uh, you know, I do I'll fucking kill you. I don't give a fuck anymore at this point, but Uh, at least, you know, these people that parade themselves as nice people And those people always get banged up those politicians

Well, I think those politicians Because they walk around with two fucking faces. I love it. I love when these actors get busted You know, if if tomorrow if in the paper It comes out your deer's got caught downtown buying a bag of weed people just flick the fucking page You follow me you follow me, but it's it's just dumb shit. They don't live their fucking life like a fucking man So that's what he gets. I mean, I've seen him right 20 times. I've never done whatever. I've never done whatever you get busted You claim fucking liability from the jump And you go right for their fucking heartstrings. Yeah and three four years down the line, whatever the fuck you did even michael vick

I have to country forgives him. I don't even want to think about fucking michael vick the whole situation disgusts me But if he's on tv, I'll watch him for a couple minutes. You know what I'm saying? Yeah No, but the the question I was thinking about and yeah, he was definitely douchebagging Ruined a lot of people's lives, but not even him people get really upset about steroids and those drugs And I don't I mean you have been watching sports for a lot longer than me But for me if they were just all honest about it Like that doesn't bother me because there's so many people doing it That it doesn't seem like you could stop it. So for for me, that doesn't bother me. How do we that fucking stupidly?

Are we that stupid when you see an athlete? You can't tell that they're in a performance enhancing drug I can't tell for the skinny ones like the runners or the the tennis people or the track and field Fuck when I heard about that shit, it blew my mind. Yeah, I didn't know about the effects everything But then I had started thinking about what we'll look at they always say for baseball What do I think about steroids? Look we can try it's like a woman's fucking choice. Whatever You know what people want to do them they want to do it They want to cheat the system or themselves or whatever people think they're cheating

We all have a definition of cheating. We think Pete Rose is a piece of shit But then again, we think fucking the Roger Clemens is a piece now none of them got put up on the vote, correct Uh, no, yeah this year no one uh Clemens and I don't think shelling ever had any problems with um with steroids But yeah, no one I'll guard into the Hall of Fame and it was Biggio too Also didn't didn't because he he did some uh some drugs But I don't know I mean you're never gonna stop all of it and that doesn't justify it, but it also It also doesn't bother me that for some I mean you're watching a sport It's not like it's not like we're talking about wall street

But here's the other side of the coin. How many fucking athletes are really out there that are fans? Now you have to think of the other side of the coin This is what joe always talks about and I feel it now. I'm a 50 year old fucking man. I'm 49 Okay, when I was £415 I want to lose weight so I started working out and I realized that you know what as Even though I wanted to go to the gym six days a week There were some days I couldn't because of soreness muscle soreness. I didn't stretch correctly It was all new to me in my 30s and 40s to start working out again. Okay. I worked out heavy as a child

I took my body for granted like everybody who says to wait. Do you get older? It's a lot harder. No, I'll never be fat Walk to you, you know, I'll never be fat. Yeah, wait till you get fucking older and you'll say You know to work out. You know how long a baseball season is Do you people have any fucking idea? It's way too long what it would be to play football for 17 weeks. That's if you just play the season It's 17 games. I don't even it's 16 games 16 weeks of football for preseason. So that's 20. That's 20 and then and then three Playoffs. I don't fucking people have any idea after 20 what after 20 years of age What that feels like to be getting hit by gorillas and every day that you get older

You get guys that get younger in the league and they're fucking hitting your basketball same thing running I was watching that last night. I love basketball growing. Oh, yeah, you went to the Lakers. I went to the Laker game last night I gotta tell you. I don't give a fuck to me. It's an American experience. It was fucking great It was fucking great and last night I was watching You know, there's a lot of young guys out there that don't I when I look at games now I think of when I was a child like I was watching The Lakers played Milwaukee Brewers Well, a lot of people don't know when I was in the eighth grade

It was this opening game where the season was the Lakers against Milwaukee Brewers in Milwaukee Milwaukee Bucks and Milwaukee and Kent Benson was the center for the Milwaukee Bucks He was a rookie out of Indiana and they had just won the fucking championship in the olympics Here's the great white fucking hope comes into the NBA First night who lay open up against the Lakers and Kareem You know about the story. No, no, no, what do you think kent Benson does? Kareem comes into the paint right in the beginning of the game. He fucking elbows him in the face Yeah, right kareem holds his nose goes over

Looks at his hand. He got blood on it. He walks back up to kent Benson Punches and breaks his fucking nose Opening night mba. That's what I was thinking about and then there's a book. I don't know what it's called It's the the story of Rudy Tom Jonovich. You guys don't know. I don't know that name Rudy Tom Jonovich and kermit kermit Washington played for the Lakers and Rudy Tom Jonovich played for the Houston Rockets Okay, and every time Rudy Tom Jonovich will come to fucking against the play against the Lakers in LA Yeah, you would always look up at the turbo tron and go one of these days that thing's gonna fucking fall on somebody

So one night the Lakers are playing against the Houston Rockets And this one had Calvin motherfucking Murphy and Calvin Murphy was a bad black dude. He was five foot nine He was a national champion for fucking baton And he was smacking the fuck out of people He had beat the fuck out of sydney wicks and he had beat the fuck out of somebody. This is the mba I'm talking about people. This is when it was some hard hitting black motherfuckers like ring james's cousins and shit Hard hitting when people were turning away from the mba because they were saying it was too black Yeah, that's why bird was put into the league. They put bird together overnight. He was like a frankenstein in the air

They're like, give me a leg. Give me an arm. That's what happened and everybody's seen the documentary The league was very black, but this is what was going on the league fucking so kermit washington Something happens. I don't know. He gets he gets into it with somebody. I don't know the exact I don't know the name of the book either. I didn't believe tweets it. I'll retweet a kermit great fucking book The guy just repeats himself a little bit too much in a fucking book But uh kermit washington the middle thing he's fighting somebody. I don't remember who so I don't want nobody to quote me And rudy tom jonovitz runs in to help him kermit washington turns and throws a punch And hits rudy tom jonovitz straight in the fucking face breaks all his shadow

Breaks his jaw guy goes down and when he wakes up he thought to himself Finally the turbo drum fell on my fucking head. Jesus christ. Oh, it's horrible the book you guys gotta read it He's in the emergency room with his brains. We're coming out of his ears A lot of his spine a son his spinal fluid and the dahi kept saying let me go out there and fight kermit washington And and that's uh, whatever his name is rudy tom jonovitz get the book I don't know what the book I have a question for you But I gotta let everyone know if I sound a little bit loopy from now here on out I'm already feeling the banana bread. Oh, fuck. Yeah, we ain't fucking around. You know why?

Because dory's calling today the girl that does the banana bread. Let me tell you something This is one of the first edible companies. I really got into and she is it's dory's delights She has banana bread today. I brought the chocolate double motherfucking strength Banana bread me and lee already ate a half one ate another half Before the show goes over and that's how we're doing but dory's calling today I was gonna have yoshi calling at 705 to fucking tell me the yoshi story when I gave him the banana bread But his phone broke his asshole. He had wasabi in his fucking eye What am I gonna do with fucking yoshi cocksucky one of the skype and sent my

Sad wake up. He's pet texting you. I don't need this shit. I'm at the lake again. Well, all right So we're talking about the fuck. So yeah, I had a question because For people who don't follow basketball the lakers for the for a while have been like the number one team And this year they suck So I was I was thinking they have no rhythm. Was anyone there or was it impact? Really when I got there and I had tickets in section 215 I went with my friends kids and then we all went we were playing this for a long time My my buddies they have two little uh, they have four boys

Three boys and a girl and the boys play basketball and I always go watching with my wife on sunday afternoons That's what we go do. Okay. We go watch two games. They each play an hour. You know, it's but I love the kids I love the parents. I love the wife the wife I'm sorry to interrupt. But aren't you aren't you coaching a league? Yeah, I'm helping coach On Wednesdays. I don't want to tell nobody. I don't want nobody showing up and bothering my fucking kids And distracting. I'm just enough distraction for these fucking kids. They just look at me They just look at me like what the fuck and I know what I'm talking about getting that fucking zone defense you little cocksuckers Oh, the parents had assigned waivers. Oh, Jesus. But anyways, you're at the Laker game

So I'm at the Laker game and yeah, what's it after they fucking listen. I'm a big Kobe Bryant fan I don't know if unless you live in a cave Kobe Bryant is a phenomenal player. I mean there's some great players in the NFA and the NBA He's one of them. I didn't know for sure I went to a late game about five six years ago when they played the heat way before LeBron James went to the heat. Yeah, this was a bad thing. Kobe put a fucking clinic on that night A clinic I'm being a basketball player that you know, I like basketball guys. What can I say? I like the I like the whole thing

What I don't like About the NBA is that a family can't go to watch a game anymore unless they sit in the fucking nose But he's especially in Los Angeles and that's not even just the NBA the football game. I went to was fucking expensive Yeah, Yankees, I mean that's what destroys me that this should be a section of those things for family people Jesus Christ, you know a hundred dollars per ticket for fucking person. That's a family of four or five That's 500 bucks to go to an athletic event and then the parking which is always 50 fucking bucks the popcorn I mean, you know the turkey sandwich was 11 bucks or something like that sodas are always six or seven I mean, but you you go home and that's what you feel like for me. I went with a family

You know a friend of mine had the tickets and whatever and I wanted to take these two boys I know what it is to go to a basketball game and it's fucking great when you're 12 I don't know. Fuck. It's a great feeling when you're 12 and 13 And you got your fucking jersey on and you got your basketball and somebody's gonna sign it And you're not worried about bills or you worry about there's that term paper That's due and you did it and now you go to this game and enjoy yourself. That's what it's all about You know, it's not about anything in the fuckouts. It's not about some, you know, there's always that one We sat behind a cholo

That was hilarious And usually a guy like me feeds those motherfuckers. Oh, yeah shots I will call that waitress and go here's a 50 keep sending him shots One every two fucking minutes and tell him he's got a secret admirer somewhere Do you understand me by the third fucking period that guy's yelling at the coach? He was yelling Dwight I love you and then when Dwight would fuck up and go fuck you Dwight I mean, it was hysterical Raph you suck those type of guys. I love that shit. I would never unless I bet the game and even then

I had this biggest I had the biggest blackest lady sitting next to me at the lake. Oh, that must have been awesome And then she said to me move your thigh, please my thigh your fat How about that fucking hoof that you got hanging over there? It was that she just sat open up a fucking leg She showed up with two bags of mcdonald fries. I know big mac and one of those gulp Her and her husband had a tip the scales of the Mia 800 And they're trying to fit that fucking ass into their seat the whole time. It's creaking. Oh good lord It's creeping while it's sleeping. Have you been to uh, uh, because you were talking about kids going when I was young I got to go to uh, uh, put the wrong fucking side

Uh, have you ever been to a glow trotters game? Fuck. Yeah, because that was fun I used to go every year used to go to it's always on my birthday February 19th Trotters in new york and mass square garden So I would go to the glow trotters and uh, the other one too It was a bar wrangling brothers and barnum and bailey circus With the fucking string with the light until somebody gets hit in the head with a fucking What happened don't worry about All those things I went to the garden more as a child

Uh, the first uh 10 years of my life. I used to go three times a year Let's play a little music for these cocksuckers. I'm gonna take you back deep for little disco today 1982 hit it. We is a little jam while we smoke this fucking unbelief. It's a little bit more banana break cocksuck Moving to the beat golly Why don't we wake up and she calls come on motherfucker 6 20 in the morning get up They've been mixing for you. What's going a little couple shout outs to my people out there That's why connecticut. That's why at Harlem as usual What's this guy here

tizza man philip beum's gf How about my man? I can't I don't know these fucking things. You got to write these better cocksucker. I got a role at 3 a.m patrice thomas Joe of the fucking jungle as usual jill kill mootsu. Her husband said I called her a cocksuck I love your wife. I would never call a cocksuck only making people call my wife cocksuckers Stay black, bitch. Here we go. Must be the music. What what go wiggle for younger jolly. Come on, baby Both pieces

I think i'm good, but if I have to I'll wait until she calls not like you gotta do it right now Why wait till she calls for why not break here because I already feel the one you gave me blast it And dj's may go But i'm the best lead. Don't you know Dory's triple x banana brick. Here you go Must be the music That's turning beyond must be the music. Come on, lily. Get up. Come on. Let's go

One more piece for you. Do you ever wait? Look at this. The power of christ compels you motherfuckers. Come on, lily That piece is fucking human. Come on. I'm gonna cut that fucking recorder What you need to do just he broke it up with his hand before He's picking the chocolate. I tried. I tried to roll it together as a ball. So I get to follow it This is what I got to deal with. Come on. This is a little piece Let's go, man. I don't want to hear the relief this for the people at home The church I respect for you motherfuckers on a wednesday morning

Beautiful wednesday morning southern california Do you want to be warmed right? Look at lily over there crying. If anyone is that listening for my work I will not be coming tonight. Yes, we will. I'll be there with fucking belt. Let me see you eat a cocksucker Fucking lily. It's like having a child Look at me. So how delicious is that? How fucking who takes care of you like me cocksucker? Nobody Goddamn This is what I got to deal with this fucking

Go to divine wellness. Here it is. Oh tremendous. They got a couple spots there. Fuck Play the video for these people. He's so you have to put the fucking weed in the Jesus christly Would you stop complaining already? It's the you know, how many people across the fucking world will go for a piece of this right now And you're complaining. That's what they think, but they don't know they fucking they I'm not sure. I'm still hung over from fucking joey Diaz giving me a Banana cake. Yeah, I got a text from brian in capital letters. Do not eat joey Diaz's banana bread You can never eat edible marijuana that joey Diaz gives unless you have thorsing on hand

Don't take that unless you have a fucking a big hypodermic filled with adrenaline that you could stuff In your juggler vain Dude joey Diaz gave me uh, um once gave me like some breath strips. I guess this is the first time I've taken breath strips He was like eat two of these and I'm like I don't tell anybody ever to take more than a quarter Don't take more than a quarter Knowing joey Diaz

I only took half of one of these knowing him and I was driving home on the interstate and Was like, well, it's it's definitely the apocalypse I'm in the last days and uh, and um There was a mcdonald's and I was gonna stop my car and run to the mcdonald's to get a burger His traffic wasn't moving. That's how bad the logic was working in my mind Oh, just get a fucking. I know I can make it there to get a diet coke and back But anyway, I get home. I'm having the most terrible marijuana trip. I'm laying in bed Like oh my god the world's in my heart's pounding phone rings

Phone rings joey Diaz. I answered he's like welcome to my house motherfucker That's how you gotta roll sometimes you gotta fuck with these people a little bit, you know, I've loved it Since date, listen, I started doing this shit as a kid by mistake one time I used to mug this janitor from north bergen Eagle I have when I went up to the eye and they used to call him eagle and he was kind of fucking Momo'd up and on friday nights. He would come to joe marries when we were in high school Joe marries till what's the local neighborhood bar and they would serve us It was owned by a loan shark named joey stop with the fucking banana

And there was it was a loan shark named joey's I used to borrow a 500 He had to pay him 750 back in 10 weeks. So 75 dollars a fucking week So he had this joint. We were going there in high school And we were on friday nights We'd all be coked up and this fucking janitor would come in and I would pick pocket them and he'd have the pill jars Yeah, it was one thing with all your pills in there And he had valium and I take all the valiums and I put the rest of the pills back in his pocket He would just have that in his pocket and it's in his winter jacket

Or in his pants. I would pickpocket. I'm a great pickpocket not anymore Back in the days to practice. I had to dummy with the bells on it. I was fucking tremendously I was gonna be a professional Pickpocket you guys never heard about my pickpocket career because the word on the street was like my real dad was a tremendous pickpocket He learned in cuba when he was a kid on the streets of cuba with all the tourists So when I was a kid one of my godfathers came on once they said I'll teach me and your dad used to run the scam There's a movie called the harrying your pocket. It's old. I don't even think you can find on netflix Let me look for it and it's all about the art of pickpocketing

So I used to be a pickpocket. I loved it pickpocketing is the best you work with a fucking another guy You got a hot chick with big tits You can make three four grand a fucking hour, but not anymore because you got the atm cards and shit I gave up on it like 20 years ago 73. Yeah, it's an old james cloburn. Yeah, michael sarasen michael sarasen and a chick um trish van devere who the fuck these people think they're dealing with I'm hitting you with fucking pickpocketing movies, but they got these movies these shows about movies And they know about they don't know about dick. You got to live it to fucking find these movies Just because you go to some fucking art festival don't know mean, you know dick about a fucking movie

I'll take you deep into the murky waters of the underworld. So anyway, I'm robbing this guy for about a fucking two three months And finally my buddies on friday night were depending on me. They would say dog. You got to rob this fucking guy So this time I didn't rob monofra. Yes, I did rob monofriday I robbed him on a friday But he had none of the values in there. He had these other white pills So I gave the white pills to everybody and I took some of myself. It was like baby qua ludes They looked just like a roar 714 and I didn't talk to anybody for like two days

I slept I went to bed friday at like four in the morning And I slept straight till I just birthed a protein shake. I love it I'm it with that fucking hemp. Let me tell you some that hemp protein that chocolate shit in the morning It's 16 grams of protein put a banana in there two fucking eggs Baboon motherfuckers. You're rocking and rolling. Let me tell you something about the strong bones Let me say I wanted to switch up to work out this week. So I went to yoga on two on monday I've not been to yoga in four fucking weeks because the high was on mondays the holidays And then the one week my wife had the fucking baby

I was in there the other week something happened the week before it was closed for some reason So I didn't go to yoga for four mondays in a row I went to yoga on monday, which is a killer the first time you go I was dying and I went to kickboxing yesterday with coach dave Who's more of a basic guy a training guy and let me tell you something this morning I'm not fucking sore. I may go to kickbox tonight But I may not just because I got to do something thursday friday sad I don't want to burn myself up early in the fucking week

But I tell you why I'm not so it's that fucking strong bone. I take fucking four of those two of those a fucking day with some water Baboon the other thing I'm doing with the water is I'm filling up the water jug and I'm putting in the freezer completely different Yeah, complete difference in having water in the refrigerator one of the freezer and you take it out and you break that fucking thing like an eskimo You got to break that ice you drink that cold water tremendous. How you doing Lee? I'm doing that giggling. You're high We'll see how I am in 30 minutes Do you because I'm I obviously much doing that great, but for a while I didn't just soda Um, and I don't know drink nearly as much as I used to but have you ever tried any of the water flavorings?

I'm sure you haven't you know, I have a little cherry lime at the house And from time to time if I'm gonna rush I'll put it in there Does it taste good? It tastes all right. I could dope it up with ice cubes and maybe hit it with a lemon Yeah, you know because as we forget you gotta dope shit up cocksuckers dope that water and put that lemon and put that lime in No, but you can squeeze an orange and a lemon fucking the and the water Yeah, a little orange. That would be delicious. I've never heard of that Come on now you take iced tea and you squeeze lemon in it and then you squeeze orange in it for a sweetener Oh, come on now dawg. Come on little sun tea out there people. Who the fuck you think you did people?

You got to get it together. You got to be creative Hopefully my girl dory calls. I don't know what the fuck's going on lately But my man George is on a call and that's always good. That's my brother George He always comes through seven o'clock with a little fucking call from me. Absolutely Maybe we'll have to pre-record these or something. Something's going on. I don't understand how No one else wants to do it. Come at six in the morning. How fucking high are you? Oh, well, look at you. Talk to you Good morning, my love

Good morning. How are you? Good. How are you? I appreciate you doing this for me my love A problem Introduce yourself to these beautiful people Well, my name is Dory O'Donnell and I am the owner of Dory's Delights Edibles medical marijuana Edibles and how long have you been in business for now D? Oh, I've been in business for about five years. Uh, most of my products are in the valley In the north hollywood studio city

Uh, man eyes area. However, um, I have hooked up with a company Called cannibal and they have a large amount of uh, edibles and I am the chef for cannibal right now And uh, so any edibles that you see anywhere all over southern california With the cannibal name on it is also my products and it's my butter Uh, I do all the baking For the company as well as my own business Dory's Delights So I have two projects going here right now

And uh, like I said, it's all in the butter. That's my that's what I'm saying is There's a lot of love that has to be put into making butter number one It's just isn't something that is made in a few hours. Uh, the product has to be top quality Uh, usually it takes about two days Just to make the butter and then of course my products are all top quality products that I use Everything is homemade handmade in a professional kitchen So in a professionally sealed Uh professionally labeled so it's pretty much a professional product that I am

Delivering to the dispensaries for all the sick patients that we have out there and once again, there's many ways to medicate other than Smoking especially with my cancer patients. Uh, I have quite a few patients that are undergoing chemotherapy right now And the edibles seem to work wonders Uh, just at priority So that when the side effects do kick in the side effects are practically not there So that's my main goal and providing the edibles

For the dispensaries is to help people that are very very sick and really need it. Uh, again I have quite a few patients who have fibromyalgia Uh, where the edibles seem to kick in and it lasts a little bit longer. Also, it's totally different when you ingest it Uh, eating wise as opposed to smoking and a lot of patients Like that because it has a longer effect and it's more of a whole body effect also So basically that's what I do is try to help people out as much as I can Now dory, I uh got my medical card about five years ago when I lived in hollywood I had eaten some uh

Edibles and I had been high or whatever you call it for a while and then I moved to the valley and I happened to walk into the old spot and there you were and You told me to try a piece of it and I went home and I remember my wife coming home that night and going what? The fuck happened to you? And I'm like I have no idea and I have been a number one supporter Of any of your products number one being the banana chocolate nut bread the chocolate chip bread that one Has destroyed many of my friends a friend of mine. Yes, they had a story about the lemon poppy seed bread that you have Oh, yes, that's right. I do have lemon poppy seed delicious

He's had a story about one night that he was at the comedy store and he ate a piece And he didn't know where he was tremendous and he's a professional and of course we have an oatmeal cookie here in studio We just ate some banana bread at 6 a.m. Out of respect for you. That's how we fucking do it for a while there I was going to the doories and just buying a loaf guys But I remember that I remember you were buying the loaf I was eating two pieces by eight o'clock by 10 o'clock. I was drooling in my living room I was writing great jokes. Don't get me wrong But I just had to come to an end. It was it was too strong and I've had friends before you called

I had a brian red man on the joe rogan podcast Telling that he text joe rogan don't eat any of joe's banana bread big capital letters What makes your bread that much stronger like now I go to these stores and they have milligrams and all that stuff You know what when it comes to that when I eat your stuff, it's still a mile Above a lot of people in strength. Why is that? Well, again, I use for one uh Once of uh one pound of butter. I use two and a half ounces of excellent product Again, it's the product. You can't just

Pick up any shaking trim. I'm very very particular about who Uh where I get my product from the flour is very very important. Also, it's all in cooking the butter It's very important on how you extract the thc from the flour. It can't be burnt Again, it's a process that it takes time I would rather take the time and produce an excellent product than Do it half out so to say and just get my product out there. It's very important I have a reputation on this side of town that I have to uphold Henceforth when I first started doing this I was told to make it strong at first I started out with one pound one ounce

And people had to ingest the entire product That's not my purpose. My purpose is that if you buy one of my pieces You should have three or four doses especially with what The dispensaries charge. I just think it's fair to the patient That they get their money's worth and I don't think that getting your money's worth is having to be an entire giant cookie Or an entire piece of banana bread should be into When you're spending that kind of money you should get an excellent result I myself started out where I went to Disneyland

And because I have arthritis I decided to purchase an edible And I could not believe how horrible it was When I tried to eat it it was like biting into dirtly It it was that bad not only did it not taste good, but it had all the seeds the stems Everything in the brownie and that's when I went in and I said, you know what? I can cook and I can definitely do better than what this

Person is doing and then that's when I hooked up with someone I can't even remember his name anymore A young gentleman who told me how to make butter and the way I make my butter is totally different than you find online And I'm not going to give you my secret No, no never fuck that as far as my butter goes But once again, it's all in how you make the butter and it's the product The flour that you buy it has to be top quality And I insist upon that and I do have two sources

that I deal with only Because I can get consistently good flour product to make the butter So henceforth anything that I do make it's always double and a half strength Whether it's my you know my little Jolly Rancher candies or my lollipops all the way up to my pumpkin bread, banana bread, poppy seed Red velvet cakes. I mean pretty much to name it. I make it now I mean from caramel corn to pretzels to goldfish Because the requests are out there. So a lot of it isn't necessarily just sweet things anymore. People seem to like salty

so I've had to upgrade my menu to accommodate The taste of the patients out there So like I said, I go from A to Z now when it comes to many different products, but it's all in the butter And how the butter is made and like I said, it takes me two days And I put a lot of love into it into it. I'm going to be honest with you. I talk to my butter. I stir my butter Now do you use a sativa? Do you use a sativa or an indica? I'm sorry. Do you use a sativa or an indica for your price? I use a high bread, which is indica dominant

Wow, uh, they're yes. So you get you get the effect of the whole body And yet you can still stay awake But it need be if you just allow yourself it'll knock you out too. That's why I always suggest that if you buy one of my products It's four doses Start out with a quarter Always wait half an hour to an hour because again, it takes a while for it to kick in Now the candies kick in a lot quicker Because you're dealing with the glands in your mouth and they kind of act like as a receptor and they will release

It's kind of a little timely release thing So that kicks in a lot faster because it gets into your bloodstream A lot quicker to your saliva. So that's become very very popular also But again, the the edibles like the banana bread a lot of my patients like to eat them, especially with the Human therapy that's the effect that they like is not being able to be nauseated not being able to throw up Because it kicks in the cbc's and the phc's kick in and it calms all that down So like I said, my purpose is to help people that are very very sick and uh, and of course people that just want to be able to relax and they don't enjoy the smoking part of it and um

That's just to accommodate the need out there for my patients and I'll tell you what else I used your uh Your banana bread for which a lot you're not going to believe this door Well, a lot of people don't know is that uh, the thc takes the acid or out of your muscles The uh, whatever they call it out of your muscles to make them sore So a lot of times I would either eat a little piece before I went to yoga before I stretched Or I would eat a little piece when I came back from the gym So I wouldn't be that sore

Exactly well, it helps that that lactate acid in the muscle is what it does And it's amazing I ran into a patient that was with you one day that was getting a banana bread And he told me he was in a rush because a yoga teacher came to the house And worked with him and the wife and this is why he ate the bread So I knew I wasn't hallucinating. I would take it just for the yoga Because you forget where you were sometimes in yoga you're breathing With the banana bread a little piece

30 minutes in you forget you're even there and I want to have yoga class For a big guy like me is tough. No dory your products. I've got uh people on youtube talking about it We just played the clip. I've had friends tell stories. I was gonna have Another japanese comic yoshi who ate a tiny little piece one night and it took him nine hours to get home from bray at a bevely hills And he also made The waiter from carls jr. Come out and bring him the food because he was too scared to go in And it cost him 80 bucks. He ordered everything on the menu. How's that one for you? That's the that's the beauty Of dory's but now I got your piece last night at uh, where I've been getting them over at divine

Where else do you have a man? I know there's a storm magnolia. Oh, yeah, there's uh, I've got my stuff at divine I have my product at zen garden um varieties for life victory for life and ddc And I I'll be honest with you. I can't remember The other places because they go by letters. There's a place called uh in ablewood on left here at

I think they're just called the flower shop. I'm in inglewood. I'm pretty much all over the place now um I can You can go online at dory's the lights dot com And uh, I will have I have my menu there and I also have a list of all the people all the distinctions where I can find my product So I can uh do that for anybody who's interested Yeah, dory, I gotta tell you man. I am uh sitting here It is 6 48 in the morning. I had a little piece along with the flying jew my brother

And we're both looking at each other. We're fucked up. We're about to see the devil You know dory, I just had a little baby girl that I tell you about that dory. I gotta bring her over I just my wife had a baby gory Really? She's eight days old. It's it's amazing dory. It's taking me back. I gotta show it to you. It's a trip Oh, well, well congratulations And I think it was thanks for your banana bread. It raised my testosterone levels too So I think your banana bread not only horns you up, but it raises your testosterone levels too door So that's another selling point you have there door. I love you to death man. I'm happy you uh, we can be recommunicated

And I'm gonna keep in touch with you more and uh, I really want to Yeah, always always you're always a sweetheart Always nice to see you and to eat your products and the best The best out there. Well, thank you and thank you for waking up early and calling and uh, stay black. I love you Okay, I'll be in touch Okay, love you too. Have a great day. Thank you guys. Bye Holy shit, I'm fucked up. I'm by you lea What do you think lea? Can you do me one big favor? Can I get a soda from you? Yeah?

I didn't know it died coke. This one's driving me out that banana bread ain't fucking around people It's a beautiful beautiful wednesday to be alive. You got some usc fights coming up this weekend You got michael the count bizbing Against v door down in motherfucking brazil. I don't have the rest of the lineup here. I just remember it just now I can't believe I didn't prepare something for you motherfuckers. I didn't prepare that much music because this banana bread Just kills the motherfucking you follow me. So I was telling me before about the the janitor when we ate the fucking pills The pills we were out for like three days and I always remember how mad People were at me from that time for giving them those pills. There was a it was a mistake

It was a common day error They ended up being epileptic pills That you give to epileptic people when they're having one of their seizures So my friends slept included myself. I gave them to myself too. It's not like I gave them out. I dosed myself I'm a fucking soldier. I'm gonna make you eat it. I'm gonna eat it one myself Do you like this? Why are you feeling away? Oh my goodness? I want to play something if I can find it Let's see here But yeah, you told that story. I think you might have told it

at the drug if people want to listen to it the drug uh testicle testaments And every every time you say it was a little baby quailude. It's a good thing you weren't a pharmacist or anything Like I'm pretty sure that it still makes smaller versions of it. I swear to god It looked like a baby quail. Why would that bullshit? I'm sure you didn't I'm sure you weren't lying But it's just like I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. Oh, here it is. Let's see if I can get No, you want another hand? No, I don't want another hand. Hold up. He's a banana No, but for people I I couldn't stop thinking about it when uh

When um, we were on the phone, but I want to play this clip from mad flavors world. It's one of the best ones We've ever gotten You're tearing me apart queen not at the opera anyway Check this out the world famous banana bread, baby There it is T8. You see those chocolate chips They grow on the fucking thc tree Today when I went she told me to be careful that she put a little extra butter in there for me and for fucking san jose

Smoked that bitches. So for all you people around the country. What's the recipe? I don't know the fucking recipe The recipe is dead I'm telling you guys I got fucked up at that lady too I got fucked up I'm sure you did I went to acupuncture when I left acupuncture and went right to divine and I banged out a uh What did I bang out?

Oh, I banged out a bang bar And I was blasted. Was that was arie? No, that was solo. That was solo like abe lincoln Right solo and I went home and I hung out with the baby and the wife and they started hitting me and fucking me up I went to kickbox and I did a bunch of shit Then I recall I went to an audition and I recall and he goes. Hey, where are you? He goes around the corner So we got back to the house. I got the call from the kid. I was going to leg a game with and uh

Excuse me people. I got the fucking protein and the And the fucking bar and every the solar's making me burp. I'm sorry. I'm not being a savage. That's right. And I uh He calls me. I tell you take a train downtown. I was gonna ask if we took that down. I took the train downtown I parked my car at the train I just I was high I was high As a kid you hear that far people. That's a beautiful fucking far

Oh Oh, that smell is delicious. I love protein on an empty stomach in the morning. It just kills the motherfucker Oh my god, I almost launched off like a rocket. Thank god. This is four floors. I almost Imagine if I just farted my way Did you hear that? The podcast I love it. I love it. Just so people get I wish it was a 3d podcast So you can smell the patois I live in you follow me. What's they talking about? Why are you fucking confusing me for the Lager game in ari and you you're in the middle of two or three different

I'm at the house and I'm fucking I'm at the house and I am bang the fuck up on the couch And ari shows up and my wife comes out and I'll tell you him and ari is freaking He is freaking looking at that kid. Yeah, he's looking at the kidneys looking at me He's looking at my wife and he's blowing his mind and I had a hundred minibike from Delores Sophia at the Delores. Yeah So it's like 120 milligrams. I went in the room I cut that motherfucker in half and I blasted that on top of the bank chocolate bar and I took by the time I got

It took me 20 minutes to get my head together. I finally parked the car. I was paranoid I got in the train. I didn't know where I was going It was a blast. That's that's how you get in the train. You don't get in the train knowing where you're going You got on the train thinking fuck it Whatever happens happens. Sometimes you end up on the lie Sometimes you end up in fucking the Yankee stadium or sometimes just my name up in Washington heights up to 174th street Out of respect for dead squad Harlem and shit the fucking dominicans I was gonna say I'm surprised you weren't on the train heading in the right direction

Yeah, no, I made it and I got to and I met my friends and we picked up his wife and We walked in and me and the wife had a little piece of pizza and the kids and it was great just talking to the kids And by the time I sat down the lights were hitting me. I was jacked up by the first period by the second quarter I was jacked up. It's just sitting there. I wouldn't even get up That's how I oh, yeah, you can't they were the fucking soda the whole game And I just thought about all the and I thought about you I thought about going to like a Celtic game How much fucking you know how I love it. All right, so the team sucks So what the fuck do you want you want people to stop going?

I mean would people stop going to a Celtic game if the Celtics had a bad season Fuck no the real Celtic fans. Listen, man, I'm not a fan of nobody like that I grew up with like being like a net fan or a nick fan over the fuck they were playing or I went to see Rutgers play against North Carolina because they had my man Michael Corinth Out of Jersey said I grew up a fan of basketball. So it didn't matter who was playing I used to go to Rutger and get off watching college people. I'm a fan of the fucking sports It didn't matter who was playing, you know, it's like sometimes I go to the valley and watch these kickbox and fucking things You know, I sit in the back with fucking a hat on and and I watch these fights

And it's it's whatever we do at the purest form. Yeah, it's like going to an open mic You know, you can even go to an open mic or you go see fucking Louis CK Which is the top of the fucking food chain or I'm sorry Or fucking whoever the fuck that's the top of the food chain. Yeah, I'm gaffigan or Anthony Jeselnik He's got a new album out Caligula. I'm gonna fucking download listen to I like Anthony Jeselnik. Yeah, he's funny He's a funny and he's a sweet guy. He takes what's the name right? Uh, I I hate that I know this but they broke up a while ago. Did they Amy Schumer? Yeah, you're right, right? But I seen him with it. I don't fucking know. I'm no gossip con. There's one of my the fat king

I think that guy's that smacked by who I am. What the fuck ever happened that little gay fucking fucking dude? Who the guy that got smacked by who I am. Oh peresil. Yeah, what happens that little fucking half a fucking fruit cake He has 18 websites. I don't know. He's Cuban. He is a fucking you know, I didn't I like him I don't mind that he's gay. He's a cute little faggy Like that, but for the love of Christ, you know, I mean Who the fuck is this? I ain't picking this up. They don't fuck themselves I mean for the love of Christ really you get smacked by Sam. I am is that who's will I am? What the fuck if will I am smack me on the road be sandwich

Get the new chucks and a fucking Boy Scott knife and go over and stab will I am I'd stab the whole fucking band? Yeah, what's the name of that band? Black-eyed peas. Oh and the chick too. I'd stab her too. Oh, Fergie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they all get on my last fucking nerve I'm fucking high and you're tight And believe girl just texted me because she said she was watching and you're you're fired up today. Oh, I'm on fire today It's Wednesday. I could listen How can you not be fucking fired up on a beautiful Wednesday? I'm not opportunity to do what the fuck you want to do you talk to the people

I'm not opportunity to walk there and breathe and then see the sun or the snow whatever There's people in worse situations than you. It's a beautiful fucking day. Yeah, you're gonna get out there and make it happy You're gonna read the paper You're gonna try to get a piece of pussy It's whizzy and try to hit a happy hour. You're gonna try to hit the gym spend some time with mom Whatever the fuck you do today is the day. What's a little banana break? No today as you were saying that I was like today Is the day I'm going to sleep from about two you ain't sleep. We're going to breakfast. We're gonna go to hang out today It's over. We're gonna be at work today seven. What the who cares seven is a long

Long long long time away and I'll be high until 24. I'll bring you back. You're gonna bet about uh So what you go to sleep around? What time can you go to sleep? What do you mean like two o'clock? You're gonna bet around two and you wake up at six four five hours You're gonna work like a soldier. He's not gonna what if you just close your eyes at work and fall asleep at the cubicle You can't have a lot. Okay. Then what are you worried about? Sleep what the fuck you don't need sleep you're 24 Boris You're fucking 24. Uh, whatever. What's your name?

What the fuck? Oh, Jesus Fuck am I Do you know what I was doing at 24? Do you want to have a you have any clue? And you're shivering guns back and forth. No, I was out though. I was making it happen. I wasn't sleeping I'm making I'm making it happen But then you want me to leave because I gotta go to sleep You're over that the editing bay crying that they don't give you no work. Are you fucking crazy cocksucker? You go to a job and they got no work for you

So you sit there and you look at the screen and you're fucking whacked off under your desk and cappuccino style You ever whacked off at work time of the truth. No, don't lie to me. I know you do you get bored You start thinking of rose you think of the titanic you start cappuccino You know home it under your fucking chair You know put your little dick under there and just beat it like this cappuccino style You look filthy, you know, why are you gonna put it right under the desk like right here? I can be right here right now Wacking off without nobody fucking knowing like a soldier

No, I wouldn't because I'm a professional and I'm a Catholic but A little dirty Jew like yourself You get all horned up at work. There's nobody watching you put you pouring on You get that little cappuccino fingers and you just tap your helmet back you come on your palm Then you shake something you're shaking Arabs. You don't have to hand, you know What the fuck where's the podcast? Why not? Lee you live with too many restrictions. You got to loosen up a little bit

I'm loose but I'm fucking jacking off at work. Shut why not down the clock Who's better than you? You're getting paid to whack off. I fucking with it That's how you end up being like the Tony guy who went crazy and went masturbated in the middle of the street in san diego You can't masturbate at work No, you don't want to masturbate on the street. I'm not Listen, I'm not advocating to go to the bus stop and bang one out right there before the bus comes out In front of that fucking fact check that always sits down on top of the newspapers

I'm not saying that I'm saying yet work you it's late night. You're going to work at seven, correct? Yeah, and you work till four five. Yeah, but at one o'clock everybody's all gangachy and doubt They're all fucking in their cubicles. Yeah, if you don't mold and grow You could tell rose to send a picture a little monkey right online right there And you could just bang one on that desk right here. Like I'm doing right now. Just bang one out I have an office. I have an office to myself. Oh, so what are you talking about? So what I guarantee if I walk into your office right now, it smells like cheeseburg is a masturbation It does not a little bit of juteaus from your sneakers and shit. Don't lie to me. You have your own office

No, I I use her and that actually piss me off tonight, too I'll put it doesn't matter, but um, I'm not gonna masturbate at work. Lee you got to loosen up You won't let a black chick find you for you. Come here. Eat this banana bread. No, I've had enough of this shit Take a little piece. Come on. Let's finish it off like soldier Put the national anthem Now you're fucking piss me off put the fucking national anthem on it's over. Let's see if I can even type Yeah, here we go. It's coming. I don't know if I could type What what what do you mean? You can't type. Well, how old are we now? Don't make me put it on

I'm putting it on you can't put it on fucking this was after Do we eat it on the way to the airport after the documentary? I think we did what The fuck you talk, where's the national anthem Lee? Communist I'm becoming communist because What is this shit? What is this evening at the fucking pops? There's a bunch of gay guys put the fucking national anthem with the marines and people shooting people Oh, Jesus. What is this shit with the with the flag? You got a bunch of like gay marines playing that shit the drug

What is that? Why? If I had a knife I would throw them at you It's a beautiful day to be alive cocksuckers get up. This one has planes on the video. It looks like it should be okay I'm talking about get up cocksuckers stop badmouthing your country and shit you sack of shit Get up. I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing all this shit that there's no jobs and there's this you want to go Get up. I'm sick and tired of adb and cdb and erectile dysfunction. Get the fuck up Look at yourself in the mirror you pathetic sack of shit Get up. You're an american

There's people out there. They got nothing and he you are crying like a fucking pussy. You're a fucking american Get bullied people coming into what happens to the stupid kids in the back of the class and shot people Get up one security guards Teachers get guns. I want everybody with a fucking gun cocksucker You got to protect yourselves. You're gonna leave me here with a fucking slingshot. I'm 50 fucking years old Get up. You're a fucking american. Stop your crying Fuck the nra. Just get a gun get a bp gun get a knife I'm sick and tired of this get up stop complaining. You're a fucking american

It's over. I'm sick and tired of this shit obama this obama and you're a fucking american I'm not going to therapy Fuck therapy. I feel good. I'm gonna get kicked out of this apartment and fucking It's we're fucking americans. I'm gonna throw you out of here. You're a jew american. You're a fuck. Oh my god What the fuck are we doing? What the hell are you doing? I love you guys at home. Oh, oh What the fuck I love you guys at home. Welcome to my world people. It's a beauty. I'm telling you guys you're an american

It's all over. I'm sick and fucking tired. Just because I was born in cuba. Don't be there. I gotta walk around with a Bondo drum or fucking day and you meet a meter Oh Shit who wants banana bread raise your fucking hand Raise your hand. Let me see your fucking hands with the screen con suckers I wanted to ask her but I didn't want it to seem like I was being rude but Can they can they do something without the fucking taste? Like I know they have the pills and the fucking liquid. Are you still worried about the taste?

The fat man alert. The fat man alert. It doesn't taste good. The fat man alert. How does it taste good? It tastes like weed. Listen to them but they got chocolate chips. Fat people Love chocolate chips. So put chocolate chips. They don't have the weed in it. So it matches the weed. Listen there's chocolate chips and the banana There's chocolate chips and the bread. There's chocolate chips and the chips. All right. Why are you bothering me forward? There's no Fat people. Fat man alert. Fat man alert. We love chocolate fucking chips. Do we not people? Fat people rub chocolate chips on their fucking neck and their asshole as cologne. Do you understand me? Why are you putting down? You're insulting me a little bit here. Yes Don't make me get delirious and jumping down on top of you a little bit long. We'll get your fucking chocolate box cocksucker

Beautiful day to be alive today church at what's happening. I love you motherfuckers Listen before we get the party start before george calls The reason why you're so fucking high and I'm not it's because I'm it. I got an odd bit probably alpha brain Is beating the fucking chocolate chip banana bread right now. Plus I tasted the breast milk I'm fucking savaged up to it. Fuck their stasteroid. I'm drinking my wife's fucking breast milk from now on I'll be picking up fucking buildings and shit but uh Oh my god, I'm so fucking high. Yeah, what was I talking about? Oh go to on it.com

And get your package get the alpha brain. I'll tell you I'm back on the alpha brain I've been on fucking violating my brains about the I got a cylinder. It just brain fucks me to death Get the immune looking. I still don't have the flu least. I don't have the flu get the uh, oh shroom fast immune Shroom tech shroom tech immune shroom fast And make sure is that you that burnt Look at these all right stuff And get yourself the hemp protein the chocolate fucking delicious

I have it for breakfast the fuck eggs anymore. Look at these giggling over there. What am I gonna do with you? Put your head down. Take a little nappy new new cocksucker Look, what am I gonna do? Do you see what I gotta deal with people? Do you see what I gotta do? You think it's easy you think it's easy being cheesy and sleazy So uh Get the hemp go to go to on it.com go to the box and put church in there My buddy hit me up this morning Can you go a couple times and he put in church till the fucking church comes down?

My goal is to make you fucking healthy, whether it's due to water. I'm sorry about the diet coax and the banana burly Look how fucked up Lee is he's fucked up. He burped by himself This is getting ugly here people getting ugly It's a beautiful day to be alive today people. It's wednesday January 16th. Thank you for sharing this time with us. Thank you for doing for calling We got to talk to these guys about something. Don't forget tomorrow night. I'm at the Irvine Improv Oh, shit. We got a call. No. Oh tomorrow. What the fuck are you? Oh, shit. I'm about for the Irvine Improv Tomorrow night. I'm at the Irvine Improv

Uh, uh, uh next week is next friday. I'm at flappers and birdbank tickets are online I'm gonna post them on twitter but focus on Irvine tomorrow. Let's get that shit out of the way Let's get some fucking people down there and rock the house. I got George Perez coming down I got my mandi Agostino coming down. I got some surprised fucking guests. Why mess around then? There you go. Oh, shit I don't know. Oh, shit. What's the call? Who's this? This would be George. Oh, shit. Georgia G. Coludins. Got that Few people don't know it's my fucking panamanian brother We were together in jersey and 85. I lived with them. We were together in colorado and we mugged canvella

What's happened a little brother talk to me I'm on cup number two. All right. You got a couple Marlboro Reds in you beautiful. You got a couple Marlboro Reds to get the lungs in shape I'm on number two right now, brother. Only two cigarettes. I talked to you an hour ago. You're slipping I was still sleeping You sound good. Where'd you go last very vodka? Uh, where'd you go last night? Last night I had a beautiful evening. I hung out with like 400 cops About 10 whores and it was a beautiful charity event where he raised money for the widows and children Those cops and I had a party

And they always got a whore on their speed, uh, so it was a nice night. Did you get your dick sucked in your balls, licks? No, no, I got a little lap dance, you know, you know, man. I'm I'm I don't trust those whores of the bottom They might they might give you something Yeah I would like to take that tip money. That's all I would like to take last night Jesus christ So what's going on nothing over here talking with a little high and shit

Maya Roeville. I'm over here farting Uh, the lady who makes the banana bread called and you're one of the victims to the banana bread I just want to see What your experience was with the banana bread whether you're not you this fart I just thought it smells like those noodles that you put in chinese soup Oh I love it. I just bought for breeze on the way home

Yeah, good. Good. You're gonna spray some right in my fucking asshole today. That's what for breezes. Oh, my Did we bring some of that chicken and rice that he cooked? Oh, see that so that's swap Did you see that shitty put together? He's telling me it's good He made no he made it did you make it from scratch? Yeah, what the fuck are you killing? Right, did you put egg in it? Put the other get in it. It's all the chinese don't talk don't talk He's trying to say don't cook fucking chinese Let me put peanuts in the chinese rice, which means something me. Thank you for reminding me

I just got over it. I'm very angry at this fucking jew but I love him because I love him He's making pork fry right no no more you go to fucking the time pass and you pick a country You don't put peanuts in the pork for the chicken fried rice. That's for Thai food You guys try I can't take him the fucking did you not go to chance? Yeah, what how do you fucking put peanut you see peanuts on that chicken fried rice, but I'm in two Listen get it together

I live with George. You think it's fucking easy The jew chinese fusion One week they got me dancing and singing on two and a half men now They got me on the fucking show with this fucking jew chef making chicken fried rice A little See that's what you should do a little gefelter pork fried fucking Now you're fucking cocksucker gefelter fish is okay by itself. Oh, it's delicious by itself and fried rice You fried up with some sushi and some fucking jabs in the room

Oh, look yourself the fish tempura if that gefelter fish isn't frozen cold. It's You can't eat that even a little bit more telling you you got to cook that shit up. Fuck that cream sauce God that she comes in a jaw Oh, I like that shit that that white fish and the cream that herring and cream that shit delicious with a couple crackers When you got cotton mouth and next thing is like that cat breath you're hitting people with that combination bad breath cat breath You even smell like a kitten and you smell that fucking breath you're like that smells like herring and cream sauce George How's your grandma recovering from that pot cookie? You think she's clean now?

If we pissed up today, she's an angry mother now. Is she still pissed at you? She's on fire. She still loves you She loves me, but uh, yeah, there's a little tension. I don't know. I think she started suspect something. What is she suspecting? I don't know. She's eating up still a lot of snack foods. This is a lingering hide I can't stock in our four meals anymore Fucking hide them in her underwear drawer, but she's cool with you. Oh, she loves you did that She loves that you're there now and you're working things out and you get that together Go tell me about your banana bread story, brother In a nutshell here, right?

Lee's fucking all right. He wants to go jogging a banana bread store. He came in moves it Three years ago. It almost three years that usc Extravaganza at the rock the potential center Uh Get you up at the airport Right, you need really small tonight in California. Join. It's beautiful You pulled back this whole loaf of fucking bread. We've got two rows when you came. Yeah, I fly heavy Yeah

Yeah, so you gave me a hunk of that We went to chans And uh for some Late lunch, right? We had a nice late lunch. What I would do for some shrimp and lobster sauce and pork fried rice Shrimp and lobster sauce. Oh those big jumbo shrimp. Oh right now in an egg roll tremendous So with that, I think Lou's to Lou's me Lou's met us At chase we gave him a piece of banana bread set that stutter and fuck Yeah, he took up all the banana bread. He gave it to Lou's

Then you handed me another piece just a little corner like about Maybe three quarters to our three three I don't maybe an inch and a half by two inches a little corner. He gave me another piece It was diggily. It was nice. I don't know. I was still high from the weed Now it's full So you stayed with my grandmother. I remember I dropped you off of my grandmother And uh, you had to take a shower Give yourself a dog buff for the big UFC. We were

Second or third row rings. Oh, yeah, we're going like doctors. We'll meet now right there Oh Everybody wanted these tickets every ball his friends are calling take me take me I don't know the UFC from shit. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing about it Last fight. I saw I think Lou's uh ran against our landed I don't know if that that was the ultimate fight for me So anyway, we go uh, so I like we go take a shower. We get ourselves ready Because I'm driving to pick them up about maybe eight o'clock somewhere around there, right?

I start getting like fucking busy. I'm busy Start seeing things, you know, we'll flash it before my eyes I'd pull up and pick them up So now we're headed to Newark Now I'm really getting fucking high. I'm grinning like the joker and shit I'm driving. He's talking to me. I don't even paying attention So we got a guy who wants low 280 going to Newark downtown Newark So as we pull up, I think it was about a quarter to nine and uh

The ticket's well, we'll call so the fights are already started. I think So, uh Pull up. There's no parking Now he's already flipped in because we're late. You know, I'm always late So, uh, you know, I gotta get there. So he's like, all right, listen Flop me right here in front of the place. You couldn't get near the arena There was cops everywhere and Newark never had anything like this You know what I mean? The last time I had that many cops around it was the riots there

They're fucking direct and traffic. I clop them off So now I'm driving now that banana been really hits me. Oh It's like I got hit in the head with a brick I'm scared shit everywhere I look the parking lots are closed So I'm starting to freak out. So I'm going like one block Two blocks from the arena three blocks All of a sudden I'm pulling up and it's like Martin Luther King Boulevard Which is nowhere near the arena

My heart's pumping I'm grabbing the fucking steering wheel Like I'm riding a dragon My veins are popping out. I'm holding it tight. I can't even look to the left and the right. I just keep driving straight Straight straight out of Newark Now all of a sudden I see a sign. Welcome to East Orange Now East Orange Anyone from the east coast knows is worse than Newark

Being a white person has got out of there since I don't know the pioneers and shit Nobody gets out of there So I keep going keep going. Well, then I hit the highway Well, I think when we were going I thought maybe I was doing like 40 miles an hour or like a 50 mile You had it down to like you started at say at 70 and within like 10 minutes We were down to like 18 in the right hand lane sitting behind three that we're doing like seven now I said now I could kind of make you turn about four miles from the arena. I was actually gone

I see 280 east The east is in New York City, which is going back toward my house So I get on 280 now doing about 20 I got I'm in the small way. I got my things blinking I come up to the edge to go back to the arena and uh I'm like, I can't do it. I'm too fucked up So I drive home

I left him there. He just leaves me. I'm out there calling. I all listen. He had no bars He had no fucking bars. I was I was gone the whole day. I usually charge my phone 18 times a day this day I had nothing. I'm trying to call him. He ain't fucking answering I'm not I couldn't take my hands off the steering wheel go in my pocket and give the phone I was shitting my fucking I was shitting myself So I think it took me it took us maybe 20 minutes to get there took me back 45 to get home I get home

And I'm like, I'm really I should let me lay down for like 10 minutes and I'll feel better And with this the phone's ringing. I'm not answering. I see his number. I know he's got like one call left you know so All of a sudden they get a call from another california, you know, it was already he used all his number and uh So are you like where the fuck are you all right? I'm home He's like what?

So I just said listen I'm fucked up. Just I'm too fucked up to drive So with that I hung up and I'm like I jumped in the shower my wife called Could be good when we went to the fight um Her and my kid were at a town right near there at some party. So we were supposed to pick them up after the fight So I called her up my estranged wife and I say uh Listen, I can't get you now. She don't believe a word. I'm saying because

She just knows I'm a full of shit. So uh She's like, I don't care what you do. You get your ass here So now I'm like, oh man, I'm really fucked. So I go in the shower thinking I take a shower You watch the high off you're as good as no nope I wanted to like the third dimension Now this thing will kill you. Oh Oh my god I was so I dropped over on to get my kid in the door. I don't want to go in the house

Because again, I'm grinning like ear to ear I'm seeing colors. It's like as close to an acid ship as I've ever had and uh So I go in and I'm like, you know people in the room come up and tell me I'll come in So I go in the house and they got fucking every fucking dessert Because my family they they eat desserts So I'm like eating chocolate cake

I take them home About two o'clock. I think he came back with two in the fucking morning. I had to get lubes I had a buddy of mine that came all the way to Newark picked me up Then I had to go back to Georgia get the fucking key It was the night and it was only a night with George And the next day he was still fucking hungover on this thing And I couldn't believe it because breakfast at nine. I was still stalling the next day What I could not believe george is that

You know, I could see a lot of people out here that happen Like before I started eating pot out of the eye that had made me three or four times I had a couple brownies in colorado and I had a friend in houston That would always make brownies and shit like that. Lee is fucked up right now We have about 15 more minutes and so I'm just gonna go back And he's about to have another piece of banana bread before I leave Lee. That's how fucked up Yes, you are cocksucker And uh, I couldn't believe joys that you know, you and I have been around the block

We've been getting down since you know, we've been eating valium. We've done a lot of shit Yeah, a lot of people even having their system. We did it for a long time and to see the banana bread Kick your ass like this like I could see regular people But to kick your ass like that that night. I was blown away. Like that's when I was like this. We were after something No, but you know, I think I was before y'all Because that's what I was kind of glad because I'm like, I'm fucking that wimpy because I didn't need a whole lot of bread You were handing that shit out like huge chunks But you know when we're back in the day

We used to eat that stuff, but they made it wrong. You know, they just drew pot and I'm friggin Right, right. Yeah, no You're right I mean the people used to sprinkle it on the brownie while it was cooking Yeah And all you're eating is twigs and stems But there's people the people in houston really were doing it 10 years ago I had a friend mike that as soon as you get off the fucking plane to perform at the last stop

He'd give you a aluminum foil fill you were fucked up Fucked up for three four fucking days like you were eating like it. So What do you got planned for today my little brother? I don't know. Today's what am I doing? Well, I gotta take care of the fence that got knocked down by Hurricane sandy I got some uh, some crackhead putting the fence in so I could save some money Hopefully it makes it through the next storm and uh And that's it. I gotta go collect some money

Oh, I'm happy you call me my bills, you know, I love you at all my heart I just wanted you to share the banana bread story and uh, I want to check on grandma See how you're doing. You're one of my dearest friends, you know, I love you She's out right now. She's out right now sweeping the ice. She's out there in the street How are you right now? No, no, what's that that thing in the office when they roll the thing on the ice? Yeah, yeah, what's that thing? Not the boss. That's how right now. She's got the broom She's working that top step. How old is she? Gonna be 91

January 27th and you people complain about not having work put the american song on for george one more time George, let's fucking give these people that said these motherfuckers out with the national anthem these motherfuckers don't know What it is to be a fucking american no more cock suckers. Here you go, george get up you fuck Are you kidding me or what? Get up wash your pussy put some powder on your balls get out there If you just if you even if you don't have a job go out there eat somebody's fucking ass do something Be a fucking american. It's in the constitution. Get up wash your hair Put some cologne on some deodorant wash your feet

If you're gonna fucking be a bum at least look like a human being you dirty fuck And that's it. I love you guys george. We'll talk next week. We'll talk later. You know, I love you Have a great day. All right, Joe Flying you not judo you flying I love you cock sucker. All right, man. Stay black All right, so there you have another fun filled episode of the church of what's happening now Like I was laying off Thursday tomorrow night. Irvine. Don't fuck around. I want people down there early. Let's get high Let's get fucked up. I'm gonna make a stop and get some banana bread

I'm gonna have some t-shirts down in the morning if it don't smell like blue cheese Go fuck your mother got a couple leftovers. I found in the closet. I'll see jr We're gonna go on the website live next week and start having some long sleeve shirts. I'm gonna talk to jr today Uh, what else is going on? Irvine tomorrow night eight o'clock next friday. We got a great double bill over at flappers joe's gonna be in chicago I'm gonna be a flappers of burbank because I'm shooting some shit next week So I got to stay in town, but I'll be a flappers for two shows February 7th. Oh, shit

San jose February 1st and 2nd. Oh shit, columbus fucking ohio. I'm coming with forever Forget about it. Lee. What's up with you cocksucker? Uh, I'm gonna be pretty high for the next eight hours. You want another piece of banana bread real quick? You want to eat it for the people? Yeah, no, I love you. Lee. You're a fucking soldier You make the church of what's happening now the fucking smokinist podcast ever with the israeli flag behind you So we know where we're coming from people. I love you guys Thank you for letting us come into your world every morning and fuck around monday. We're back at 6 a.m And then wednesday we're doing four to six. I think over at there

There's studios on sunset motherfucking boulevard We're gonna be doing there every once in a while because stickum is there So I want to give a big shout out to stickum and always as always listen drink your water stretch out to the Just go for a walk to the fucking mailbox. That's all you little league. Keep that fat heart fucking going Go to honet.com get the hemp protein 16 grams for fucking cup put a banana in there Little peanut butter you got your brand new 2021 grams or your body can only assimilate 30 grams of protein per meal You do some push-ups you stretch out live motherfucker What the fuck it's a beautiful day to be alive lee is here monday 6 a.m

Stay black testicle testaments order it the four now The 25th flappers and tomorrow night it all starts tomorrow night and everyone's going to talk about the kid Combination testicle test them nice long set. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week Go to honet put church in the box get 29 fucking percent off What's that last piece of it in a friendly I don't want to have and I'm bringing something tomorrow We got an oatmeal cookie for you motherfuckers too. Have a great day. Stay black Oh Shit my mb leaf girl. Look at you. You sexy savage Jill Himitsu

All right, don't worry about it. So you're going to take the kids to school Jill Himitsu I love you. Have a great day. Stay black. Bye kiss Lee Oh You