Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #012 - RICH VOS - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: November 11, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings & Manscaped.... Go to www.draftkings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to www.manscaped.com  and press in Code: JOEY And don���t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/JoeyDiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #RichVos

Greetings from podcast build. Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by draft Kings. Listen to me. This Sunday coming will truly be a Sunday like no other. Grab your fucking nuts. This weekend we got a major golf tournament and both professional and college football. The hits keep coming. You need that Christmas motherfucking this. And all there is for you on draft Kings sportsbook. America's top rated sportsbook. If you have not tried the app yet, head to the app store now because you don't want to miss this to celebrate Sunday's action. You ready for this? draft Kings is insuring all new users are covered up to $100 a yardstick. $100. Did you fucking hear me? You throw down and they cover you risk free all day on Sunday. This Sunday download the top rated draft Kings sportsbook out now. Use code Joey for this can't miss offer draft Kings sportsbook is insuring your Sunday bets up to $100. That's right. You bet they cover up to $100 for a limited time only at draft Kings sportsbook when you use code Joey. Now here's the part the lawyers make me say you know what the fucking deal is. You got to be 21 or older. New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania only deposit requires 25 times play through and restrictions do apply. See draft Kings dot com slash sportsbook for details. You got a gambling problem. There's help. You call 1 800 gambler or if you're in Indiana call 1 800 nine with it. But if you don't have a gambling problem. Oh shit. Download the draft Kings sportsbook app and use code Joey and let's put some fucking money in that bank account. The Uncle Joey joint is also brought to you by Manscape. Listen. You can say a lot of things about me. I'm a fucking criminal. I'm a fucking wet back. I'm an old man. But there's one thing everybody knows about your Uncle Joey. My balls are Magnifi kink Magnifi kink is the word I'm using for you know I'm not fluent in French women wish their faces looked as tight as my fucking ball sack. If you want beautiful women to fall all over themselves for your beanbag, you got to get man scape. And now they got the entire system to keep your body looking as good as your fucking balls. You ready for this? The performance package. It comes with a weed wacker for your nose hair and you need that shit right now. You don't want to have fucking unnecessary nose

hair. You can't get the Q tip in there for the fucking COVID test. It's a fucking nightmare. So do some favor. I'm gonna do I'm gonna take care you guys get 20% off and free shipping at manscape.com slash show you again. Manscape.com slash Joey. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscape.com slash Joey. Now keep your balls nice and fucking clean. There you go. Candles lick cocksuckers. Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Yeah, yeah, Joey's in the back. Hi, welcome to Uncle Joey's. How about a drink to start off with? Greetings from podcast bill. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happened? You bad motherfuckers. It's Wednesday, November 11. You like Joey? What happened to the fucking back drive? What happened? We're out of time. We're at the bar, cocksucker. I'm at a bar I talked to you about. We're at the bar because we got a guest today. My main man, New Jersey zone, Mr. Rich Voss. How's that for you, cocksuckers? What's happening, brother? This is, it's good to be here. What can I say? Fuck, two Jersey brothers. You were my mentor for a while. It's great to have you here.

Your fucking house is, like, I like my house, everybody, but your house is amazing. Down here where this bar is and shit, like, you could have your own apartment. Like, just, I mean, I have it downstairs with a guest room and all that, but there's no escape. Like, you got doors and shit to get out. So, you know what I'm saying? So, if I had this, I could have my own apartment within my house. You know, I mean, like, my wife and I already have separate bedrooms, which is great. It's really good too, because after we have sex on my hand, you got to run. You know, I'll call you tomorrow. And I do. I give her a free CD as a part of the gift. But I'm saying if I had to set up, shit. This is it. This is great. You know, I wanted to come out of here first, but the lights, the electrician came, it was too much. Might figure it out. We could do it with the phones. Because of the guests, I said, fuck it, let's just bust out the bar today. And this is it. We improvised the bar and there you have it. It's fucking perfect. This is perfect. This whole setup, like, who do you want? I just got no booze. That's the only thing. I got Heineken's in the refrigerator. I might have a fucking Stella now, because, you know, it's one of those fucking days. But we're here, we're queer. You know, booze. Listen, I'm not going to throw away my fucking sobriety for fucking, if I'm going to get high, I'm going to crack like a man. But, you know, like this setup, you know, we do our shitty podcast, we just have fucking a table, two mics, and, you know, we just fight. But this is how it's supposed to be done. See, you got a guy, you got cameras, you got lights. We got iPhones. We got little microphones, you know. I mean, the last couple of years in LA, oh, you want to shoot a special course, you got $300,000. Where do you fucking see that? Unless you're fucking Gabon, oh, they don't buy it. Unless you're spreading it. And you know what, I just got so sick of all that shit. You listen to Richard Pryor albums, you get fucking miscues and people laughing.

That's what I wanted to bring back to podcasting. It doesn't have to be fucking perfect all the time. I don't want to edit a podcast. If it comes out, it comes out, fuck it, take the heat. But that's what I wanted to do. Moving it here, I have a guest. I could do sporting events with the TV. You know, I could do a bunch of options. Today we sit fucked and the back room is too small for both of us. I opened up all the fucking windows and I would get here, the Mexican landscape. Because they always show up. They never show up when nothing's going up. The whole week it's quiet. All of a sudden, tape something. You got 20 fucking Mexicans outside. I got nothing that's Mexican, please. That's the last thing I need you motherfuckers to eat. Joey was talking about Mexican landscape. I don't know what they are. Let's make believe I don't know what the fuck they are. But, let's start this shit. 36 years in Cali. What is the state of Cali right now? It's over. It's done. The world is so weird. It's becoming so computerized or whatever. And the arts, even without COVID, are fading away. And schools are cutting back funding towards the arts. You know, music class, art class. And you can't somehow, no matter what, comedy will always survive. I mean, we're doing fucking, I'm not doing them. But people are doing shows and fucking backyards. They're doing them, you know, alleys in fucking New York. You're doing whatever. Because people need fucking, they need entertainment. Look, the days for now of going into a fucking room with 300 people are not going to happen. They're not going to fucking happen. You know, I get a gig now. But I used to work in like you, non-stop, every fucking weekend. Every fucking weekend I'd be here on tour doing this, you know. And I had it down to a fucking science, even packing my suitcase down.

Me too. In my sneakers, I put shit for space. Socks, weed, all that shit. Every inch was covered in my suitcase. I had a bag with sweet bachelor supplies. Every hotel I went to, I stole the sugars, the yellow sugars. I had my little coffee in the morning, splendid. I had a box of fucking splendors from different hotels and the whole thing. I have, I have, it's about, you know, the shortest morning, bro? I have one that's this small, and we put small numbers. It's one big. But I have to take that. Then I have a glass full of kettle.

That boils water. You take that all around. It collapses. It's a flat kettle. So which one? Well, what do you want? Well, I want to make my fucking cup of soup or something late at night. You know, those, those soups, those fucking hot and spicy, I feel like a dollar. Oh, those hot and spicy, they're good as fuck. Is it ramen?

No, it's a step above it. Ramen's like 70 cents, you know, like 90. You know, it's all my love. I think I'm gonna fucking open my, what the fuck is wrong with you? So, I could go in the room, you know, because most clubs, not most a lot of them have nasty, shitty food. Or, you know, I don't want to go out all day long. So I'll go when I get in the town, go to the supermarket, load up on what I want, you know, in the room. I can eat breakfast, have a peanut butter, banana sandwich, you know, or lunch.

So, and then I'd make my own coffee. I had a little coffee. I'd make my own coffee with my free protein bars. Yeah. It was late night. Yeah. When you get back to the club, nothing's open except fucking dominoes. Yeah, fuck that. I got two cans, I usually keep one or two cans of sardines just in case of emergency.

You know, I keep a can of sardines in my dopp bag, in my coffee. Would you play with a mustard? No, straight up. I ate fucking sardines like a motherfucking prison. All those mustard sardines. I loved them until the day I got out of the prison. I never ate another fucking mustard. I never tried a mustard.

I'll try it. Oh, they're good. They're good. I got turned up by a Jewish guy. He said, you don't eat mustard sardines? No. I said, I don't eat mustard sardines with crackers. I get the skinless bones sardines.

I don't eat fucking bones. And I got some in my car. So I get two assigns going on the road. I don't know whatever. But now, you know, you get a gig and you go, well, our capacity is 40 people. And, you know, and let's say you don't say 25 or 30 or whatever comes. If that's it, it's in yours. And you make the best out of it.

You do, you know, you look, you work in New York. You work at LA. You're going up sometimes late when there's 10 people anyhow. 30 people. So you're used to it. You're going to make the best out of what you've got. It's just that, you know, maybe I get three, four gigs a month or something, you know? And you're like, what the fuck am I, you know, that's what you've got to get used to not work.

Because when you're on stage, you're going to be as funny as you're, whether there's 200 people or 20 people, you're, you're just a funny dude. You give your goal for it. You know, because of this, I had all those dark years. Yeah. I learned how to go out in front of 10 people. I cut my teeth and go out in front of 10 people. So.

Yeah. And here's the thing too. You're going to try, no matter what, you want to be funny, come up with shit, ad-lib. Just say to 25 people that are there. It's not their fault that there's not 200. So they want to have a good time. And, you know, so like I did a show last Friday. I said, I don't fucking know.

But there was like 25 people. I couldn't even sell 40 fucking tickets. I stick. Anyhow, the host was a DJ from New Jersey Radio, the biggest radio station in Jersey. He was the host and the store. People didn't want to go indoors yet. Anyhow, I had as much fun with those 25 people. As you would with 25 bunches.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess. What, you know, you, me, you know. Here's the thing, what purpose. I'm not saying, like, I don't. The good thing when you're doing this long enough, you can do it all at once. You're going this way, then if you have to go that way, you can do it.

You can do it. You can do it. You can do almost what any situation. I was outdoors. That gave thinking about, I'm telling you, I'm standing in front of fucking woods going, a bear's going to come out. A bear's just flying squirrels behind. I never worked with flying squirrels.

You know, I was worried about, I used to be worried about people rushing the stage. I never worried about getting bit by a bat doing a show. Fucking bats and squirrels. It was outdoors. It was 200 people. It was amazing. I jumped off the stage twice when the crowd went, you know, they saw flying squirrels. What the fuck?

I didn't even know they were flying squirrels in Jersey. I've never seen a fucking flying squirrel. So, you know, it is what it is. It ain't, it's not like it was. It's just a different chapter. Right? Does that make sense? That's all it is.

I'm looking at it as, first off, was it breathing for me? I've been going hard since 2009, 2010. I'm looking at it as a fucking breather, you know. Unlike everybody else who went fucking nuts and ballistic. I didn't buy a house in LA because there was no reason to, you know. So, I decided, you know, once this happened, I was like, I'm not going to authenticate the people. Once the two commas got COVID, the meet and greets, I was fucking petrified.

Because I, listen, to meet and meet and greet is the completion of the circle. You know, they see you on the podcast, they talk to you on social media, they buy a ticket to the show, they buy a shirt to come to the show, and now meeting you and taking a picture is the completion of the circle. I always liked that completion of the circle. When I started doing theaters, I couldn't do it, especially through shows. And it bothered me. It bothered me.

But, instead, I focused on giving them the best show I could give them. Right now, on Tuesdays, I do 20 bucks, come down, whatever. You know, I'm not looking to fucking get rich. I'm not looking to do anything, especially we get door deals. 38 fucking feet in half. I want to do it just to stay sharp. I'm not looking to get on the plane. I'm not looking to go across country.

I'm not looking to do that. You know, I got an offer last week for a movie in North Carolina, TV show. I'm not going to woman to North Carolina in fucking December 6th through the 12th. Because by that time, God knows where we're at. But I'm not quitting either. Yeah, I tell you though. Yeah, you're not quitting. I mean, I was supposed to go outside Chicago this Friday.

I got canceled. And it was a wait lifted off my chest because I haven't flown in eight years. Yeah, I'm not in the mood to fucking fly. This is how fucked up I am though. I'll try to get work and call the owners and say no. Because you know, I didn't even want to work there. I just wanted them to say yes. I wouldn't have taken it.

I just don't like motherfuckers saying no. But I'm not going. I haven't been on a plane, what is it, eight months now? I mean, you had to fly here. Yeah. But I had, you know, it was routine. I could take my car to a certain parking place outside of North. They go to the airport.

I had my car ready. It was a fucking science. I haven't done it in eight months. And it's so weird after you're doing something so long. You know, I'd be doing a stand-up 36, 37 years. Probably, you know, I don't know how many years, nonstop on the road. And once you get, did slowly, this slowly, listen, you know, this daily time with my family and stuff, you know.

So, I don't know what else. What I'm saying is, it's just another chapter. Definitely see what happens. You know, I'm not going. I can't imagine. I have anxiety when things are going well. Well, we do. I live in fucking anxiety.

I feed off of it also. It's good anxiety, you know, except the badge. I've had bad anxiety. I have good anxiety, which I flip before I go on stage. It becomes a monster. But this anxiety lately, I just want to screw it. When I go to Vinny's on Wednesdays, I have no anxiety because there's really no pressure.

They know it's $20. I'm working out. I'm not selling a big performance here. I'm not showing up with Pink Floyd on the wall. It's just me and whatever thoughts I have right there. I put a tape recorder in my pocket. I come back and listen for six minutes and I go, I either got it or I don't got it.

I don't got it right now. How was your mental health? Well, I'll give you an answer. When I saw you that Wednesday I came down here, you were killing me. You knew me. It was pretty good to me to crowd the group. What happened was you came down the third week. The first thing I did well, the second week I ate a bag of dicks.

I listened to the tape recorder and I went out there with the wrong energy. Especially when you have 38 people. You got to go out there with a little high energy. If you go out there, you used to 250 and all of a sudden there's 38 people and you're not hearing everything. I've spoken to people that, listen, I've spoken to a bunch of comics. Some have said yay, nay. Some people do comics on a roost.

Yeah, on a roost. Some people doing the driving stuff, which you'll get to your little HBO show later before we get out there. Going up in front of a car and keeping up with that. I'm really hearing laughter. I didn't like just doing calmly on Zoom. That was not going to happen. Just joining in some fucking guy.

God knows who's watching you, who's taping you. I just didn't want to be on Zoom. So I figured for me I'd just fucking live my life. Be a dad. I went to dinner with my daughter last night. You know, you're just being a dad. I'm not just sitting at home watching TV, scared of my own shadow. That's not happening.

And when everything was going good, I'm working nonstop. You're right. And now I've slowed down. You know, I'm like, oh, this motherfucker's working here. I'm working here. I'm not working there. It was all, you know, it was so, this business, you can get obsessed with this shit. Besides the fact, you got to keep creating.

You got to keep coming up with new material, keep creating. Then you got to do numbers. You know, all of a sudden you're not only, you know, a performer. You're also, you know, the promoter because the clubs are going, oh, tweet this, Instagram this, do this, do that. You know, what the fuck? You know, take out some ads, do something. You know what I'm saying? So now everything is, it all relies on you.

You know, the promoter. Work. You fucking work. It's four days a week on social media. People had no idea. I was doing two podcasts a week, then getting up on Thursday, going, you know, and you're working hard. You're going to the store two nights a week to work on your act for that weekend.

You know, I was telling you before the show, you know, I go to Uncle Billy's now. It's 20 bucks. I make a couple of notes on a piece of paper. But well, it's game time for me. It's game time for me. Now, I hate saying fucking jokes every night. I hate doing like a seven. So I switch it around and that keeps me posted.

But I have worked on that set list. Years ago when I opened for Rogan, it was 50-50. I'm going up there off the top of my head. Sometimes it's brilliant. Sometimes it's your dog shit. I wanted to take more control of that and take it to 70 percent. Seven out of ten. I'll take seven out of ten.

Three bombs every ten ain't bad. You're right there. Four out of ten. You're eating a whole thing. Yeah. We've seen it. So who the fuck is complaining? You're right.

You're just like my stand up. I'm not going to do it. If I did word for word every night, I might as well just get a day job. I might as well work on Wall Street. Because one, if you can't, you know, I usually work in the moment. You know, I'm going to work on how I feel.

I'm still going to do a good show, but, you know, it's just working in the moment. I'm not going to be old Mr. Happy doing fucking, you know, you'll never see me ever in your life run to the stage when I'm introduced. Okay? If you look at your mother fuckers, when you're working, you ever see these comics

where all it's run to? Ugh. Fuck off. You stink. Right? Running in a particular shadow boxing. What the fuck? What's wrong with you?

You're a comic, you know? So I just walk up. Most of the time I'll sit down on a stool. I've said this before. Cosby was the first. I was the second. All the other people are doing it now. But that's when, if I'm just sitting down,

not when I'm doing theater, when we were on tour doing theaters, you've got to be, you know, but if you're in a club, I'm going to call it, I'm sitting down. I'm going to create for some company. I'm going to come up with more. I'm going to be, it's just going to be,

you know, I'm going to draw people into me. Like, I follow that. You know, say you follow, people are like, I'm not going to follow a dame cookie. He's got too much energy. I'm using it as an example. He's like, you know,

why don't you just go up and you take it to another level and you bring them into you. You see what I'm saying? You match his energy and then you move on. No, I do mine. I go, if someone's all over the place.

You slow them down. I slow them down slow them down and then bring them into you. Into your world. Because you're a comic. So now with, you know, with 30 people in the audience or 40 or whatever,

you can almost, look, I've gone on stage and I say this, you know, I feel like, you know, we've been in a fallout shelter for six months and we decided to do a talent show. Tell these people what a fallout show is.

They're too young. Nobody knows what a fallout show is. Nobody knows what a fallout show is. On the basement you're building, there was a little room fucking close to phobia central. They had tang in there and old fucking spam sandwiches

just in case the Russians bomb us. You had fire drills, how they go downstairs and sit together and wait for the bomb to drop. You make a little Kool-Aid. They give you a little devil hand, which you can see the mouse is tailing it.

Devil hand. I met my wife by a can about three years ago. I'm in the mood for devil hand. Underwood devil. Underwood devil hand and guess what? She bought it one night.

I got fucking soup behind her. And I saw the can. I spread it on white bread. My stomach wasn't the same for three thousand days. I saw a little mouse tail at the end. I was like, God damn it. They got me with the mouse tail. Absolutely.

A fallout show. So I guess they're called bunkers now. Bunkers. Bunkers. Great people. So I go, it's like a cow. Now it's my turn. Everybody's just sitting there like zombies now.

Kind of, you know, oh shit. You know, there's fucking disease out there. And the audience must be weirded out too. I mean, if I'm an audience member, I'm sitting there and I'm sitting with two people. I have my wife or a friend of mine. You know, what happens when a guy starts sneezing from allergies? Six feet down from there.

What happens when a guy like me, I always have that little cough, smoke weed for 20 years. What happens to your freak out? You know, right now we're all waiting for a fucking vaccine. But guns and roses are just going on tour next year. And at that point I'm packing on arenas.

Yeah. Are those arenas? Act's still going to fill up? Is Kevin Hart still going to fill up? I mean, I see myself back in comedy films. I can give impressions about it. I want to take it back to the old school anyway. I'm getting old.

I've always liked an old school. Four shows, Friday, Saturdays. That's it. Go back home. That's it. That's all I got. That's all I got. What the positive thing for me with this fucking COVID is,

you know, when I don't do numbers, I can believe it. I'm like, hey, it's COVID. It's low numbers. And then COVID goes, well, you didn't do numbers when there wasn't COVID. I used to bring my own curtain to the couch. I could curtain off behind a second row.

Bring my own curtain. Numbers is such a fucking weird thing. You're living in a fucking up and down room. You don't know what you're going to do. Towards the end there, the last three years, I had a good run. I was very fortunate. I want to thank you guys for all the support you gave me on stage.

But it was overwhelming. It was really overwhelming for a guy like me. I'm a fucking criminal. And now I'm talking to bookers about that in a second show. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I don't have the energy for a second show. I want to give them a good show. I don't want to do three hours.

I want them to leave there wanting more. And they'll come back and see me in 16 months. I was talking to a club owner. And I should tell him, right now is the funniest I've ever been. I'm at the top of my game right now. Right now today? No, no. Maybe like six, you know, before COVID.

I was talking to this club owner. He says, go, I want to go. You know, right now, you're not going to, I'm not going to get any. You know, I'm at the top of my game. There's no club owner wants to hear that. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck.

They, you know, how many followers do you have? And I'm not trying to sound like an old dude. I don't want social media. I'm not trying to put it on. But, you know, so they'll bring in, you know, the problem with some of the clubs now. They're going for the quit fix, which never works. Like if you bring in this person that has 300,000 followers, say, on Twitter, but they're social, or you bring in that person that has 60,000, but they're great.

You know, if I was a club owner, you know, they got to make money. You got to balance it. But people are going to leave the great comment show. Oh, that was a great show. I'm going to tell friends. And that's back in the day. That's how they built clubs. That's how everything was built by word of mouth, web mutation, good show.

You know, you can get a dude that has or a girl, you know, that's, you know, they're just not, it's a weird balance. But now with COVID, it's all level playing field almost. You know what I'm saying? Except for, I don't know if I make sense. I could be all over the fucking place. You know what I'm saying? But, you know, you get somebody like, you know, Rogan, or you, or DLU, whatever.

They don't want to go into a club. Instead of theater, they're going to take precedent over something like me. But I'm going to take precedent over a lot of others. You know what I'm saying? Sure, rose down. You know? So I think, I think theaters are done. Definitely done for a while.

Like you said, Kevin Hart's not doing, you know, 18,000 details. 18,000 seats. You know? We have to be realistic of what's going to happen. You know, vaccines, people's emotions, mental health, money, financial, must be horrible to ruins. You know, Jerry's deli closed a couple weeks ago in LA. The food sucked, but it was still an institution in my eyes, you know?

We're seeing little things closing. You're hearing about little things, friendlies, about the chapter, whatever the fuck I mean. Friendlies are still open? Friendlies is open, but they chat. I think they're still open. I'm not sure. You know, I don't know what a friendlies is. That's the last little part I need to see.

The banana split there. You die. You die with a heart attack. I've never seen people walking to 7-Eleven and get pizza. There's fucking pizza parlors all over. Dude, who? You know, I'm hungry. I'm going to go for a nice meal at 7-Eleven.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I've never seen people walking to 7-Eleven. I mean, I can't. Dude, he says... He has the podcast kept you a little grounded with your wife during this period. It gives us... It keeps us relevant, semi-relevant. You know what I mean?

How many podcasts a week do you do? A week, well a week done over. You know, we've been doing it for, you know, 600-700 episodes, I don't know how many years. So, we'll do the podcast. And now we have video clips. I'm always late to the game. We had video clips, people fucking, my wife is so fucking fun. I mean, she's so creative and fun, you know, she's got, she just created a TV show for

another comic and they're supposed to close on the deal either this week or next week, you know. She's got three or four shows in the making, you know, she, whatever, she's, so being with a, living with a comic, two helps, keep, you know, if I was living with a dentist, it wouldn't understand what I was going through. You know what I mean? Right. Like, what I tell my wife, I'm getting the fuck, I'm driving down Uncle Vinny's, just

to do a guest spot on the front, where I'm driving, you know, last week for him, he was there, I go to my wife, I'm going up, and then he just said, she goes, yeah, your friend's here, go hang out, go, you know, see, you know, see, you know, but if, if my wife was, you know, you know, work there, it's fucking after us, and she goes, why are you leaving? It's Friday night. To go see the night. You know what I mean? So she gets it.

So that helps keep my sanity, you know, her sanity, and, you know, she, she, you know, we work out at home, she jobs, you know, we're living life as much as you can live, you know. I think I would move out of our townhouse to a house with tons of property, you know, to do. Property in your house is, next year we'll definitely have a Wiffleball Tour, I guess. We can have a Wiffleball Tour, I'm going to concert, and fucking, somebody take a loser in your backyard, you have the best bang you have in North America, it's like you look, and you keep looking, and looking, and looking, you got to fucking archery range, you don't

fuck around. I mean, it's just, we live in a great area, that really helps us, we live in a great area. Jersey boys, what the fuck do you think about that, I mean, what the fucking Jersey was? You know, and let me tell you something, the fucking Jersey, first of all, voted as the worst state in the country, go fuck yourself, because Jersey has fucking mountains, it has down the shore, the ocean, fucking, we're right next to New York, right above Philly, right next to Philly, Jersey has everything that you would want in a fucking state. You know, Jersey is the number one state for horses, per capita, there's so many farms,

people see Jersey and they leave the airport and drive on the fucking term, but you know what I mean, and they think, oh, well there's Jersey, well there's factories and all this, go fuck yourself, let me tell you something. You know, you go up to the, up like P-Pack, Mendo, you know, where fucking, Jack young masses used to live, knocking forbs, Mike Tyson, Whitney Houston, you go up in that area and see the farms, you know, how beautiful these fucking houses are during the mansions, alright, you know. So, you know, you see Jersey as the term, like fuck off, you go down the shore, there's

some nice places down the shore. I remember Uncle Vinny's, I used to look down that street, a lobster place up the corner, they say one of the best burgers across the street, my wife is in shock, my wife's from Tennessee, I brought her here three times, every time she told me she loved it here, but I always took her up north with the riff-raff and the fucking, you know, the buses and traffic, this was a complete different world for me. This is life. I want to sue Los Angeles for the last seven years, listen we do pay high taxes here, but

they use the taxes, the park I take my daughter to, parks, parks, plural, three different parks I can take her to, they are manicured, they are clean, there's one park I take her to the rec center, I'm telling you right, you know me, you can fuck a heat off the floor in the back. I wish I was lying to you, manicured fields, soccer fields, basketball, baseball, two soccer fields, hockey, I mean they got so much fucking shit, the trees of them, it's the roads, no fucking hot holes, I mean you know, I got a whole world to me down here, all I gotta do is make two fucking rights, and I got everything from holding people, the hobby

lobby, I can go snorkeling blue again and start making models and shit, I'm a hobby I got everything here, my daughter is with the White Castle members, I never fucking thought in all my life my daughter loves White Castle, so I'm happy, we're happy, for people who said, and you don't even understand, I don't even have fucking stories for you about when I first got to California and I signed with an agent, and she goes I need a file to send out, I'll never forget this, and I told your boy this too, I put you know, up early in New Jersey, whatever, and she wrote me back a couple days later, she was gonna take that New Jersey out, this is 97, she goes building with the likes of New Jersey,

and I go what the fuck, and then she put Hell's Kitchen on that, and my friends came to see me, and after the show my friends pulled me over and they're like, what the fuck Hell's Kitchen, you don't like my dog, it's a long story, and I remember not, listen, my Joby came out in 87 when Slippery was wet, fuck none, the guy was, he was gonna leave Trump 1, right, Springsteen, I guess he's not leaving now, he's fucking it all, thank God, what the fuck are you gonna go, and even Springsteen, born to run, born in the USA, the river, all those great Alps, the low people after Springsteen, people still shit up fucking New Jersey, it wasn't for the sopranos, when people were like, oh, we fucking get it, because they

realized we don't fuck around here, that's what's going on here. Fucking New Jersey, Sinatra, Abedicastel, New Jersey, Springsteen, New Jersey. I didn't know Nathan Lane is up from, I'm from Eastern Jersey City, fucking Nathan Lane, and you really wanna get scared, look at the list of the people who came from the Bronx, it's pure brilliance, I think it's like Alfred Hitchcock, I mean everybody's from the fucking Bronx, it's crazy, but Jersey, I wanted my daughter to be raised here, you know, you have three beautiful daughters, you know, they hit whiffle ball bats here, it's like I told my wife, I don't want her in the house, if it's Sonny Anne, I want her out, and she

doesn't know what she's gonna play, you ever play hot peas and butter, they'll get your mother? I'm gonna kick a fucking can. Hot peas and butter, when you take your belt off, you take your belt off, and you hide it somewhere, in a wall, and you decide, you designate a home, like Rich Voss's house is home, so we all gotta walk down the block, we'll search you with belt, and the guy who hit it will let you know you're hot, you're getting hotter, so now the people in that area are like, oh fuck, now when you say, Rich is hot, everybody flies over to Rich,

and they start looking for Rich, Rich will find the belt, and he gets to whip you all the way back to the fucking middle, with the metal side, oh yeah, we play games here. We didn't really grow up playing S&M games. No, we're not S&M. We played one game, it was called Fishfucking, we picked one game from the season. We played it before, by Howard Stern, he sent somebody a convention, and they got fishfucked all the way to the chest. It's a fishfucking convention.

It's not necessary. Not for me. What about if you just a little came in, and he started, I need somebody to put a fist in my lung, to punch my heart from the outside, to stimulate me. Is it all those guys that choke themselves and whack off? What is the fucking political act? Let me tell you this story. We had no money, my mother, you know, she raised three kids.

So my grandmother owned a multi-family house, three, four. My grandmother and grandmother lived down there. So me, my mother, brother and sister lived on the second floor for free, you know, my mother. And she rent, my grandmother rents out, there's four. What did you want to do? My mother, she was a secretary. What did that? Everything.

You're so loud. Oh yeah, he's 92. He's so thoughtful. Yeah, I called him the other day. I called him Sierra, he was doing the other day. You go to this house behind, like, all the holidays? We did, before all this, you know, different holidays. I'll tell you something, some of my Jewish friends, that's the creepiest holiday in the world.

What? They usually leave the door for some Jew ghost to come in and eat. What? I said, no, pay. That's not even Jewish. They can live in the Bronx. They said we were family business, they were Jewish, left the door open, they were like, grandma, we live in the Bronx, close the fuck.

What if a Jewish ghost to come in, a Zabiah, whatever his fucking name is, Judea, he eats one of those terrible crackers and they fuck the leaves. Oh, that's a very fast over here. Is that a fast over here? Yeah, it's a fast over here. Yeah, I was in my, well, one of you told us, so the third floor is human to the apartment, and this dude and you slow up stairs. That's great.

That's pot in the world. We had two sisters, one was smoking, she was a can. I couldn't fool around, I didn't know. I wasn't smart enough, I didn't grab it. You know, because like me, Andrew, I'm part of it. You know Trump? Well, me and Andrew. You didn't ever have that fucking muffler in the center.

I'm fucking this stupid, I am. Me and Andrew, and then Ed and his two sisters were all part of it, and Andrew went with their one sister, and I couldn't have went with the other, and I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

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I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I never had anything like that. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. What the fuck were you doing? I can't go out of the gym. Fuck. Anyhow. So, that was the

hanging story that had been passed away on the 34th. What else are you talking about? She was holidaying. My family. My uncles and aunts. My mom was the board. We were the black sheep.

My grandparents would have holiday dinners. My uncle and his family. My uncle and his family. We all came from a good school. We had money. Houses down the shore. They had.

We were the black sheep. Okay. And I was the black sheep of our family. So I was like the black sheep to the same power. I teached the fuck you. You know, they built down a house. They built it down on me. Because I was really the fucker.

I had all the cousins. I had like 10 cousins, I think. And I was the fucker. You still talk to those cousins today? I talked to, I'll talk to Laura and Johnny. No, no, no. They were living,

Laura and Johnny were my closest. Because they were mine. And they lived in D.C. When I were at D.C. I mean, Laura was good. And so was Johnny. We had so much fun growing up as kids. You know, just growing up.

My second cousin was. Most of them passed. There's one I hadn't talked to him. It's so weird that we hadn't talked to him. Maybe because we used to do like, you know, we were young and do little gay stuff when they were around. Different stuff, you know.

You were family with your cousins? No, that was sex. No, no. I played doctor when I was young. That was it. They operated on me. I don't know. I was always too Catholic to do what a young man was.

I was a kid. I was always watching. So when I played house and shit or doctor or whatever games they played, I couldn't really, it just wasn't in my realm to fuck with whatever. I think I had,

my mom had a partner in dry cleaning business and we used to sleep together on the same bed. We were innocent kids. If I was 10, she was maybe 13. One day she got up and I saw her push in full effect and I fucking, I cried.

I cried. I couldn't even watch one drama that day. Fuck it. I had never seen a push before. I didn't even know a push one day. And in the Bronx in those times you could buy dirty magazines for Puerto Ricans called Pica Pica.

It was just... Pica Pica. There was just a dirty black and white and they wouldn't show the chick's face. They were like 50 bucks, just cover your face showing your ass off. And she would do it and she would leave. It was disgusting.

It was black and white, the sheets were fucked up. They shook mattresses with pistains on them. When you're young, you don't care. You're getting a playboy with a girl with a bikini on and you got the racer and the racer around the pussy. That's what I thought. If I could race the bikini off

that's how stupid I am. You understand me ladies and gentlemen. So please don't judge me ever. When you're 12 and you think you could race the bikini off a model on swimsuit you're a fucking moron. I know that going in. I tell you my grandparents, second cousins

retardation is in my family. I don't think that you see eyes but I'm fucking African on it a thousand times. So there's a thousand times, there's no way. Second cousins, when you live in an island you're about to fuck somebody you're related to. Because he's good.

All of a sudden next to each other you want to come meet my uncle my parents you go over to your uncle Joe and that's it. On an island you got to assume 50% of people are interrelated fucking blunt. It's an island. They fucking possibly be in here. It's true.

So in my mind where my uncle told me that we were at lunch when they had languages and my uncle was like I don't know if you're a mom but I told you this before she died but I thought my grandparents a second cousin. Now I know why I get these weird feelings and emotions in a second cousin.

I don't have anything to say about it. I'm embarrassed but what am I going to do? I don't know growing, you know, sex growing up. Like I remember the first time getting laid the first time I got laid we were down the shore at seaside this is

How old were you? 18. So we went through this room it is a fucked up story. No cares. Okay so me and Brian went to seaside. In about three years they're going to pull this video up

and say that I laughed at Joe about fucking somebody at seaside they should ban us. Me, I don't give a fuck. You ain't going nowhere. Take your little bandings and cancellations and stick them up your mother's pussy

because you're in no danger here with Papa Joe you know what I'm saying? Rich was, you can't do nothing to me or to him. That comedy hasn't already done it. You can't hurt me anymore. I don't give a fuck. So we went to seaside

and it was like two years. So me and Brian the lady goes okay there's two beds in the room she goes I'll rent you two one bed and if anybody else comes along it's like Labor Day weekend she goes I'm going to rent the other bed so me and Brian go okay

because now who else is going to take a room with two guys in it already? So we go out to the boardwalk we come back and she not only rented the other bed she rented the floor to five other guys so there's seven guys in the trash. I go to

the boardwalk I come back and there's a naked girl in my bed with some guy and I had sex with her right? Me being last I had for a minute. Where was the guy? He was there. He watched it.

I don't know what he did. I wasn't paying attention. You just talked to him. He gave us some playing field game and then I went down to the ocean and sat and reflected like I was looking into the water

like I just got something like it was horrific. I was horrific. The whole situation was horrific. I'm sitting here looking under water like I'm some guerrilla meditating like a man now

nasty motherfucker I probably caught something and then the next night we went to a party and got raided and we all got locked up and some of that was my weekend in seaside. How old were you when you lost your virginity? That was it, 18.

I was probably old too. At that time there's kids in high school that would get close to me. I was sitting in a tent behind the church figuring out somebody but I wasn't laying down throwing roses up in the air making love that wasn't even my game

My high school too was you know there was maybe 10% white people there wasn't maybe 10 or 15% you know you know there were some black girls

I went out with you know I had a nice afro and the shit because me and my shit was fucking tight I had a second best afro I had a second best afro P.D. Dabby at the best afro

so I went and I never got no pussy in high school and when I finally got pussy I would come so quick because I was all those years I never got it, I was so excited You get so excited and how bad is it to come and you just look at me and you just get over it

you know I didn't know anything about pussy back then there's always that one girl that stops you she's gonna stop why are you licking my thigh and she'll pick up her wings and go right there, she's got little balls licking it right there

licking that motherfucker like a dumb boy and finally you learn there's always that one girl that says I gotta call time out you see those little wings all the wings back there's that little cherry right there go deep in there with your nose

stick your face in there your nose and then you learn I never got it sex back then and how old were you when you got married the first time 28 what were you doing comedy?

yeah I met her at a club I went down I was off one night, it was a one night about my house I went to see the comic Paul Vines she was sitting at the bar she looked like Sheldon Tease she was beautiful and this is how I talked to her

and we went to the diner and I had two kids but me and my ex-wife even for under force we were cool throughout everything one we didn't have the money so we didn't need borders we did our own contract

we had two daughters I had them in the day she had them at night when Bonnie and I got married and had a kid my ex-wife used to babysit my kid because I lived two miles from my ex-wife

because when she moved I moved to that town so I could be close to my ex so she got rematch, she married a Canadian so I married a Canadian we both I guess so bad for each other we had a little other country

so we always were cool fighting when you have kids there's no sense you don't have to deal with that person for the rest of your life not tolerating for the rest of your life I'm gonna call my ex-wife today

that's a funny story Bonnie was home we were in a condo so Bonnie's like eight months pregnant with Raina she's ironing she don't iron farm girl

she could cut a fucking head off and shake her but she can't iron but anyway, no my wife now so me and Bonnie are in what's gonna be Raina's room she's ironing for eight months pregnant and I'm on the phone with my ex-wife Kelly she knows I'm talking to Kelly

and I'm talking to Kelly and Kelly hung up so I still pretend I'm talking and I go okay I love you goodbye my phone was gonna be with the iron so your wife's like jealous so you don't worry oh no they were afraid

I mean they don't so we used to go to my daughter's basketball games my ex-wife and her husband would be there me and Bonnie would be there we used to go to her house for for barbecues

you know my ex-wife used to have a cleaning business she had people they did our house she babysat my kid you know what the fuck at one point I married her that means there was something there so why

when you have kids you don't have kids you can break away you don't have kids thank the car, thank the cat you're all the way I did the opposite of my parents my parents got divorced there was no self-help

there was no welfare, there was nothing you know my father would come every other weekend to see us so you're sitting in the window you know wait daddy's coming today and you see the cab or whatever

drop them off daddy's here then all of a sudden detectives jump out into bushes and arrest them because my mom used us to set up my father so who's who's more fucked up child support

or my mother for using us to set them up you know what I'm saying so they were both fucked up parents you know my mother would we'd get on the bus and go to New York to court authority and meet my dad both the cabs were fucked up so I said I'm going to do the exact opposite of my parents

and that's one thing in life I know I was a good parent you know with my two older daughters and I stink with my kid now that shit's on body I can't keep up with that computer shit but you know

I'll take it to Walmart you know what I'm saying you love it with our homework so we were doing a TV show once Louis Anderson show had a show it was a take on Santa Monica Pier and you had a big baby pictures

because they showed him into credits so I go to my dad he had two pictures and we grew up I got thousands of my kids or at least hundreds you know I got and I'm not saying I'm a good person I'm not but I was a good dad

photo albums photo albums of my kids growing and I go someday we'll just I think we'll be sitting around looking through those albums together when they're older and we have and they influence so much they were this fucking big zoo

or here and you just you have to enlighten someone's got to break the chain of dysfunction you got to break that chain because I go up in the neighborhood where kids were having kids

and families were welfare someone has to break that and move to another direction and I had to break the chain of dysfunction that I grew up in so my kids wouldn't have to grow up like that

I did the same thing I had it so I just moved here when I decided to move here people thought I was running I really could wait for a shoot and drive they didn't know I already was taking off

it was just a matter of we were going to move to Bergen County but when the guy came back he lived in the Rochelle they thought they'd spread the virus and sometimes my wife and I were looking for a house in the Bronx we were going to move

all the way to the Bronx during this time or back in the day April 1 when I was supposed to come back here in March to shoot the prequel to the Sopranos I had a week walk I was on a look at places

I was going to go towards Niagara Bergen Field Bergen County not up a saddle I don't know if I don't have that money but it was not outlined but like you know Anglewood

that's what we were looking for in 1946 I was also looking at Niagara but Niagara's pretty nice they got the mall I wanted peace I wanted to be away from the city I didn't want to be in this city

but to show them flavor we saw a show one night my wife was like you want to move the bully down they made a few calls and said there are some nice areas in the Bronx that they're nice houses I thought you want to go up there

can you get property like this in the Bronx? no neighbors like this but the only good thing about the Bronx is that poor Americans they have no computers, no TVs so the kids are on the street and my kid learns how to fuck away

on the street that was the most important thing I saw that LA, there was too many women I spoke to women I spoke to a woman I could bring my wife down here and she'll tell you that I brought women

I met a woman at a party with my wife that was telling us about Big Brom Yoga Big Brom he fills the void, the heart the fucking Big Brom Yoga fills the void, the heart do that fucking problem

between Big Brom Scientology and Nexium that new cult that went they tore from LA and they were fucking people up in Albany who gets fucked in Albany? really? yeah you have them watching I've never heard of that they have two documentaries going at the same time

and they're kind of pathetic you feel bad for the girl I understand you got taken see guys like you you talk to your daughters that's why your daughters came out the way they are and you talk to Reina that's that way I talk to Mercy, I pull Mercy aside

I work to do it my mom's a sweetheart, my wife's a sweetheart no larceny my wife don't do dick the only thing she does bad is she eats five milligrams to go to sleep so my wife built that sweetness in there I gotta give her the valdez side

so she can prepare herself for the world you know what the valdez side you and I do we do our best work when we're against the wall I do my best work when I'm against the wall right now I'm against the wall I don't know everything is up in the air nobody knows what they want to do

we don't know what we're looking at the new york fill is cancelled until September what is the fill? the new york fill is cancelled until September they've already pushed it to September that's the thing

I can open my calendar and not once ever did I think I was going to go to the new york fill so I really don't go no no but I'll be using fucking new york fill I'm just talking as an example the hallway closes

the hallway is closed until August and you're done, you're right because who goes to see Cher not 20 year olds who goes to see all these you know musicals well kids well kids would go see

Beatles or something but 60% of the stuff that's going on is for adults people who are over 40 they're not going to go to those plays they're going to go right up the back so you have to think about all those things now, prepare yourself

prepare yourself for comedy books and guess what? I'm excited I think it's comedians who are a little overboard it's between the agents because after a while it wasn't like he was doing comedy I was just doing numbers

when they came to me one day and said it's time for you to put a screen over your head like my ex manager came to me one day and he goes I have a great idea why don't you get a screen put it over your head so everybody can see your lift and like what is money this is not stand up

what are you saying oh you mean oh what's the theater in New York I did Gramercy? No, I did two shows I don't know that's how bad my memory is I did two shows and after that he came up you know to do a theater

the first show you break the machine for people at home when I do a theater the first show within the theater cost and security and the guy that plugs the light in the guy that watches him gets a buck in a quarter in New York everybody makes money

so the first theater the first theater show you make a little bit of money not what you usually make it's the second show because you still got in there that you make your profit that's where your big chunk comes from a theater you know but then again you perform into

3,000 people, 2,000 people it takes a lot of energy I go back to my room I can feel it my legs I can feel it in my knees you're hungry you're talking starving so all that stuff I got a little out of control of my life

I want to go back to the comic books I want to go back to 250 C listen, buy your tickets up front Patreon always has you know with your Patreon the dates first since they pay me and they fill out some tickets and then I release it on Twitter and Facebook

when we come back that's the plan if we come back I mean right now I'm looking at myself you're at 60 63 God bless you Ron White Ron White was on Rogue in a few weeks he was talking about his things

he spoke to his agent he says he's coming back in April he's playing down Ron White has a fucking plane bus it's over really that's like fucking you know

we don't a lot of guys don't see it you guys are like what am I gonna do come back when I'm 58 how much of a run do I have left but here's the thing some guys like you say Ron White he's financially separate the rest of his life I have to work

I got maybe I got financially I could probably last two or three more years without work probably without work and I stopped playing internet slots I got about maybe two or three years

I was still gonna play picket I gotta play my numbers you play your numbers every day or three yeah I got your birthdays I hate the numbers Saturday if I would have played my mother's anniversary at a debt it was Sunday and I came down here

and I was on the phone with a friend of mine I put my feet up and I put the TV on and New Jersey 12 came on and fucking 617 came on 617 straight in box I would have won three bills so I'm gonna start playing picket

I gotta find one of those little Hindu supermarkets around here I used to do this good on Saturday you could play your numbers and you say the number and they repeat it wrong now you gotta play that number I tell you they hit the number because they got pressured in the wrong about five years ago

I left a number with a friend of mine he called me back and he started he was like he came out at 6.04 and he goes no, 6.05 that's my mother's number my mother's number is a 517 6.04 and my number is 5.57

when I was about 11 I hit the number for 10 G's the poor regent I loved with new rucks I walked in and my stepdad was like I had a basketball shirt from Union City and they said 57 on it and he looked at me and he was on the phone with the book

he was like what's the number on that shirt 57 and he goes put a prefix on it and I go 5 5.57 he gave me 8,000 out of the 10 and I put it in the bank but I always thought about the number 57

that's weird 57 is the number I'm gonna die when I'm 57 well 57 was the year of Covid so they came back to bite me in the ass 57th whole fucking year except February was immersed in fucking Covid so

I got assigned as a young kid and my 57 was gonna be fucked up I was born in 1957 yeah 6 years before me I was born in 63 one last thing and now you gotta run all these motherfuckers why you name your daughter

you thought it was gonna be a Jewish name and it turned out to be a fucking I look at it and I'm like was she Puerto Rican then the name is Reina that's a beautiful name my first daughter no my second I wanted to name Eliana

but my wife said I don't like it so I named her Ellen but I love that name Eliana so Reina I was looking up Jewish names and Reina in Hebrew means pure and clean

R-E-I-N-A pure and clean I go to Bonnie how do you like that name she goes yeah it's beautiful so we're in the hospital Bonnie has the baby and they go what's her name I go Reina

and they go and you can spell it I go R-A-Y-N-A so I'm the person who figured everything then someone told me that means Spanish queen I spelled my own kid's name wrong from Jump Street so how do you spell her name

R-A-Y-N-A I thought it was R-A-I-N-A no wow R-E-I-N-A was Hebrew R-A-Y-N-A is Spanish it's I love the name Reina

and she is a Reina you know your kid matches their names it seems so weird my other Jessica Ellen they matched her fucking names you know finding fucking Jessica's symphony it wouldn't have been the fucking same my wife came to me with the name of Mercy

I was like I don't know and I was like wait a second the patron of the patron of St.Cuba there's lots of Mercedes Mercy is just short and I go me having the kid of 50 is kind of a religious thing

in a way I look at it as a religious thing whatever God is up there just prove me a second chance let's give you a second chance of being a dad I'll give you cover of the spread that's why I'm covering the spread now I don't give a fuck about comedy

I don't give a fuck about comics I don't give a fuck about nothing I don't give a fuck about that she's in school four days a week and today she's at the after school program for fucking five tomorrow she's home I got nothing

I'll take her to Karate kickboxing at five whatever tomorrow I may take a ride your kid's amazing I let her down listen your kid she's a young adult

she's got the movements she's talking am I talking to a teenager? you know what I mean you can tell she's a smart kid smart kid she knows everything they usually ask me

like this dad she goes put your hands up I put my hands up for something and she goes you know like you did when you went to college the second time oh no she goes put your hand up like a bank robber you used to rob banks

what the fuck did you guys take fuck where'd you get this from she goes I know you went to college she went I didn't go to college I didn't go to college from bank robber because I tried to take something

that's why I don't take nothing from nobody and I go it starts with a quarter it started with me taking a quarter that's why we don't take quarters no more whatever change you see whatever you want ask me and I'll give it to you you see a dollar on the table ask me

I'll give it to you never take a quarter because that's gonna start that progression I started with taking a quarter my mother's job and then taking 50 cents on a roll of $10 I would have to tell her some fucking bullshit story I lost on the way to the bank you know but that's how I started

I didn't want to be a fucking thief I told her to take fucking quarters and then we'll lead up to where to fuck that's how I owned my daughter that's why now I'm trying to teach her insider trading so she does everything behind the scenes to make her money you know what I mean I don't want her to just be

a common thief I want her to be big time last night my daughter was in the kitchen and my wife is there my daughter is gonna grow up so fucking damaged my wife is there and I just walk by my wife and I squeeze her tear and my daughter goes I hate you too

you two are disgusting it's so funny she's got such a great sense of humor she's so smart such a great sense of humor you don't realize like you wouldn't do anything I want to have a boy let me tell you having girls

it's a whole other it's so much better they're so funny last night I came down here I took the dinner I said you can play on the switch for 15 minutes I came down and answered some emails what the fuck was I gonna tell you guys Jesus Christ

that's how I read my memory I forgot his podcast I was doing fuck it before we enter I want to apologize in beginner's podcast I slipped one of my bits and I don't remember which one but I slipped it in I don't even usually do that

but I did because at the moment it worked but someone's gonna look at it and just go that's one of his bits yeah motherfucker I slipped it in I did one thing it's entertainment you guys are sitting at home you got thrown off Netflix

everything on Netflix the Tiger King you even watched it in Spanish you know what I'm saying you dumb fuck now you got nothing to watch this is what you're fucking watching you're watching Uncle Joey's joint on a fucking Wednesday morning a beautiful fucking Wednesday morning

one last question what are you gonna bury in a fucking Catholic cemetery like as a tattoo? first of all I want to get cream made I'm getting cream made I got that fear of waking up yeah I go up to my mother's thing and I'm like my dress has to be soaked

from all the fucking rain and shit like this I told my wife the other day listen I'm gonna write it out it'll make me no wake that's the creepiest thing in the world when you're laying there people come over and touch it I don't even want to be a human it doesn't look like you they put shit on you

no no no just burn me here's the thing too which fucked up now because I don't when I pass away it's gotta be when people can go to funerals because I have to do at my funeral better numbers than Patrice

Patrice stayed in the fucking 5 if I don't do better numbers than him because you know Patrice had an open casket no but he had we all spoke at his you know closed casket I don't remember

he was the best me and Patrice I used to drive him home to Jersey City one night I go I got stories and stories they have a great documentary coming out we were walking down the street

and I go I don't have a fucking thing going on in my career no manager, no agent, nothing he goes me either and we just both started cracking up and laughing even then we didn't give a fuck we went to

we didn't read for a sitcom named Patrice the two leads on the sitcom so we get up there and it's Marcy Phillips the head of casting for NBC the nicest lady so we're reading

Patrice doesn't want to be there and I can't act so we're in there fucking she's yelling at me already and then Patrice won't take his eye and I'm trying to fucking do the scene with him

so Marcy's yelling at me I go how am I supposed to connect with his asshole when he won't look at me she goes can you two guys just leave so we can get this out right we're walking out we're just cracking up we're walking down the hall

just like boring seconds behind us and I couldn't hold it I passed gas so loud all underground just cracking up laughing it was a dumb art but when you

when he laughed it was so what's the word I mean magnifying you know what I mean there was times we'd be chosen I would say some or he would fall down and you could hear you could feel the electricity you know what I mean

so when you made him laugh like that no one else is like that when you do Ricky Gervais when you make Ricky laugh oh my gosh I saw one of his tweets and he was like I can't wait to get back on the radio to torture that cunt rich boss

I was fucking dying I was dying and I tried moving for it that day because I was hoping he had me we used to do I'd done it with him a couple times but Patrice's laugh was so we had so much fun we had you know we did

just you know just it was like me and Ralphie you and Patrice's relationship you know when I left LA I really felt shitty because I felt I was leaving Ralphie behind that's not bad that really felt that Ralphie the last

two weeks I was there and I know he wanted to get the fuck out of that his whole thing was to go to Nashville but I missed him that much I felt guilty that I was leaving his spirit in LA like how can I figure out how to pull him on the plane with me

but I'm sure he's watching this right now laughing his ass off you know when I met you originally I met you through Ralphie we did the take of the Barry Katz on Santa Monica piece in 1997 $1,000

it took him like a month to pay me I had to call him up and threaten and this little fang assistant dropped off to check in after the act when I first met you me, you, Brian Holtzman I hosted that show at the Santa Monica Pier

in 1997 National Land Pools you fucking think you're dealing with Jerry Banana me, you, Holtzman it's probably online don't take a look online see you motherfuckers don't know dick about dick we go back

that's why because when we were in Pittsburgh you were at I thought I already knew you that's why I came over we met during the fucking taping in Santa Monica

me, you, couple of us I remember sitting at the funny bone and we were sitting on the bench in the lobby just talking and hanging out surrounded by naked pictures you know he was a pedophile those fucking because I was thinking

about this, why would I have gone there if I didn't know him, I already knew you holy fuck we did that show the fucking Dirty National Approves Dirt Paula Bell did it Brian, me, you I forget the other two people

it's online, they're still selling it we didn't get a dime we didn't get a fuck I used to do colleges for him right and say he owed me 700 I'd call him I'd go look back if you give me the money now

you give me 500 now and I'll take it to get my money back then but he had the biggest clientele whatever I should tell him but yeah we did that fucking on the pier of Santa Monica

holy fuck that goes way the fuck back way the fuck back we just drove on the fucking scene I want to thank you brother for taking time out we had a setup the studio it took a little longer

but at least we're at the fucking bar now we have guests and this is it man Rich I wanted to talk about one thing Rich has something that comes out on Thursday on HBO Max HBO Max I still have a fucking trailer

fucking phenomenal rock Kelly's your wife looks fucking beautiful the kid from you know yeah that's his part oh yeah yeah Chris Chris, Stefano yeah it's called Colin Quinn and Friends of Parking Lot

I don't even know the title it's on HBO Max on Thursday for me it's tomorrow for me it's Thursday and the thing is it's us doing a show at a driving and when you do

TV you got to prepare right you prepare and it was weird doing the driving you know I'm going to parking lots in my hometown trying to practice I had a good set of coals that's another bit of mine start the car but what you're trying to do

you said no rock Kelly goes can I get a windshield one for that I almost fucking died watching the trailer so I guess they're talking a lot of us backstage you know and just the whole scene you know of us

I mean tough crowd I mean this is just special first of all Colin and I don't know the sound that he's a genius he's fucking brilliant he directed it he stand up his ad liven we were fucking on radio once

and Colin looks at Bobby Kelly and goes you look like the last minute gift at the Beijing airport I fucking it was one of the best fucking minds I've ever heard he called Bobby little Buddha

but a last minute gift he called him the last so Colin I mean this guy fucking creates tough crowd and no control all of it he's one man shows so he directed it and closed it I hosted it

you know and I'll give you one hint one thing before we're all going starting we're sitting around I guess I can tell I'll tell you one thing from it and they're going

all the comics they go okay who's gonna bomb Voss Voss is gonna bomb it was so fucking funny listen I know what I'm doing I never worked in cars but he directed it just

listen there's not too many things being taped too many things being filmed too many shows for what we're dealing with it's a great piece of work

I'm happy he did it just to show our side of the story I'm happy he did the comic documentary our shit just to let people know they watched the documentary about the building

it was special and now they're about to watch a comedy show at a parking lot I don't know how many cars it looked great New York skyline that was a great idea came up with that

it was a great idea you're always welcome on here all you gotta do is call me I'm gonna have to take the room over there you can do whatever you want you can take the fucking road I don't give up friends any dates you want to come out with

I think I got something in 2020 you want to come out with that I canceled dating shit I'm doing my friend's driveway he's got a driveway show coming up now I got Uncle Vinny's coming up the first week of December oh thanks for your weekend

I'm in Rhode Island at the comedy connection Friday and Saturday and one of the best owners in the business, Corey and you can take the fucking train and it drops you off with black and pull the fucking club you walk through the whole time

how'd you get here cause I was just walking in the train I love this I love that club it used to be an old bank great owner, son there Thanksgiving weekend because I like that

Uncle Vinny's I just got offered for New Year's Eve to do a swingers convention at a hotel perform there and I'm thinking if there's no COVID there

then it's nowhere I mean these fucking people and it just seems so I mean I'm gonna say yes but it just seems like that's where you gotta keep away from that kind of I don't know

where is it at? okay so you don't have to train no I'm not playing if something happens you can just get your car and get the fuck out of there I feel the same but listen, I could talk to you for hours we can go on forever

oh great this was great I love you motherfuckers from all my heart Uncle Joey's joint episode I don't even know what the fuck the episode is it don't matter have a great day, we'll be back next week and now for a word most importantly I want to thank you guys

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