Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 01/23/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #49

Episode Date: January 25, 2013

Recorded live at Nerdist studios, so the sound is a little different. Joey's old friends Jody Ferdig and Dante join us in studio. Joey;s other friend Carlos from North Bergen calls up to talk about being a father.  This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount.

Fuckin' The church of what's happening now we're here to hear live from nerdy studios Dante Get off the fucking phone. I got my man the flying Jew. I got my special guest fucking Dante with the Exxon Zimbles Junior fucking go D today. I need this shit to fucking studio. I thought he was an FBI agent It's great to be here. It's Wednesday. We usually do this in the mornings, but today since we had nerdy This is our first one. We're right here in the back in the fucking church. Look at this. We already smoked dope today We eat some banana bread. We're ready to hell. That was fucking hungry. How are you guys doing today? I hope everybody's beautiful. You're at home. You're chilling as usual as always is what I meant to say

This the fuck you left this podcast is brought to you by the people on it go to honor calm and check out that product They got some great shit I went to kickbox in Monday night and I went Tuesday night at my store today Am I walking around? Fuck no and one night was with the Korean one guy was with the Thai guy Krilanki and the other night was with coach fucking David at both savages I walked in like a fucking nothing nothing. I just walked in. You know what? I took two fucking strong bones and I had my head power fucking protein. That's how I roll now the Jew He don't want to take no fucking protein. Fuck him

Anyway, it's a beautiful day to be alive We're here. What's happening? Don Sleazy ain't man. It's your world. I'm just a squirrel me and Don Sleazy go back about 15 years I figured I have a money. This is my old neighbor here. There's a lot of people don't fucking know This is sunset between Sierra Bonita and Gardner and curse on when I first moved to LA from Seattle I lived with Doug stampo on curse on Mitch Hedberg and Nick DiPaolo lived on Sierra motherfucking Bonita and Ralphie May lived On curse on and Josh Wolf from fucking lately shaped Chelsea lately That's how strong we had in this neighborhood and there was still hookers here There was still crack holes here. I'll compadre the best listen the margaritas amends a man

You can make better margaritas a thousand but the cocaine there is on fire. You understand me the way this bring it to you They got the guitar. I've seen more shit on this fucking street here Then I used to I used to live here when the burger place with you the sunset grill You know that song the eagles down at the sun fuck that shit And now it's still there But I was there when the white dude was still there with the wood leg that he made fucking cheeseburgers with a wooden fucking stump You had to see this motherfucker move with no blow straight up G He had two little Mexican chicks when I swear they got you got now

It's all redone and it's got a second floor and all that shit. Oh shit. Do you have you gone there lately? They got an upstairs. They do an open mic there. Let me tell you what else they used to have there They used to have a tremendous fucking egg and cheese breakfast sandwich like old school Philadelphia Jersey, New York City style and I used to see the the boyfriend there from Buffy the vampire slave No, that's right. See that's what you learn when you watch the church of what's happening now motherfuckers play a little music from where you've been He comes up with this look at him with his fucking iPad. He's got three dollars people like me I got to compute that leave it a fucking home. This guy's got the 19 gadgets. He's got the phone The I fucking helmet that's like for retarded kids are gonna have an eye

Oh You wouldn't I think it's you're playing The same thing I'm on a computer in front of me. Do you see what I gotta do with people? This is the flying dude the producer What's going on Jody Friday, come on Talk about the last 15 days. What you've been doing the last 15 days. Oh, man Putting it together No, it's Hollywood games while you're not careful. That's right. You got to have more than one hustle if you don't got that you

Might as well go home You got to do what you got to do. Oh, it's crazy. I'm glad he told me not to move here man This traffic is fucking banana. It's fucking crazy And it's you don't notice it when you hear when you hear you're like I accept this because this is my fate But once you get out of here for a few days I take that fucking sleep back and I'm gonna have squad from the morning That's the first thing I take about as I'm going to pee in that bathroom I don't have to go to fucking Hollywood today. Do I?

Always there's always and there's always something Hollywood today. This is only happening fucking Hollywood And I go down straight like doing 90, you know me right off fucking Laurel Canyon cutting motherfuckers off Fuck that left into the na na na I go straight across McDonald's and then I make the left at the bottom of that So I came up a block too quick There's three cars. You're looking beautiful to a jellyfish. You're looking at this three car They look there's three cars right there and they're backed up and it's normal fucking people. We don't know better They're just accepting it Right, I know this is Hollywood. So I know this has got to be some creepy fucking situation one sure enough as I get closer

It's a couple making up. No, it's not yes I was making out and holding people back like that. Now two things me. I'm a player From the Himalaya way before this shit if you're gonna stop traffic at least finger bang the fuck Stick that finger deep in that fucking crank and at least work that fucking arm. So when I go by I'd be And say I love it you fucking savage But you're stopping traffic to play spit fucking talk and talk to her about new girl or some fucking show Two broke girls. I fucking stab you little fucking faggot motherfucker with his little skateboard the car listening to that fucking Whatever the fuck don't get me excited. Hey

Every time you come to fucking Hollywood, there is a something some shit. There's traffic three o'clock. There's fucking traffic already So that's it, but I know Dante from the Martel cartel forget it We got stories that'll make your fucking head blow up the shit And we Jody Ferding is here my other princess. Hey, hello, Jody Ferding Get in here. Get in here. Let's say you see the boots that you're off camera sitting between the flying Sitting between the flying Jew. There's a complete different type podcast We're making this happen straight up today Jody Ferding is a comedian. I've known for years It's funny because her and I spoke last night and she was a little nervous and she was saying to me how

You know, she didn't she just wanted to come and observe what was going on and I yelled I go You know, we've been doing this for 20 years We've been doing comedy together for a long time and she was saying that you were looking through a box of your receipts And you found an old paste up for a show we had done But here's where it gets complicated this fucking morning the first call I get at 1001 is from my agent He goes, can I ask you a question? What are your feelings of doing a show in Bend, Oregon and Eugene, Oregon? Just this morning There's a 500 seat theater. So tell them the story about you're gonna remember the whole thing. I'll help you out

So tell them about Eugene, Oregon. This is tremendous. This is that was Salem, Oregon Salem, Oregon I'm going to say I'm Oregon. Oh my god. How long you think we're in the car for about 30 30 fucking hours before we got to This was a six-week comedy tour for people won't learn about comedy You just cannot be a hobbyist is a point in your life when you go, you know what? I'm not improving as fast as I want to so what I'm gonna do is is I'm gonna devote my life for this for a year and for that year you live Under, you know, conditions that you would never live But you do it all for the name of comedy and I talked this poor girl into going on the road In that in my 1996 Saturn

Gentry my sister made us some food I go don't give him anything crunchy like no fucking sunflower seeds cuz he was This fruit I'm like give him fruit edibles applesauce We want to we want on a very intense road trip and it's funny because it started in Boise, Idaho It started like an Idaho somewhere started in Texas. No, yeah, it's not we left from Texas Yeah, but we drove to Idaho To what we drove to a Wednesday night We left Texas on a Monday night and we got to Idaho at like Wednesday triple runs in those days Wednesdays to Saturday is how fucked up this was and we were on the car for two days of the two days

It was great. We just talked and we smoked pot We pulled over and drank coffee and we smoked cigarette And I farted yeah, it was tremendous all he would do is fart But then we get to this first show in Idaho, and I'll never fucking forget this so I was very hooked on drugs at the time I mean just it was my life you when you're a comic and you're on the road is what you do you drink you snort and whatever else comes your way and While Jody's on stage Featuring I'm talking to the door chick now for starters. This is a bar in Idaho that didn't have a door guy It had a door chick. Oh, Jesus

You don't even remember that she came back to the hotel with us because she got a shit. No, I do remember this into this This is at the day so I come in like oh, this is a great club for what we thought it was like a suburb of Boise It wasn't Boise. It was a suburb of Boise It was snowing too it was snowing like a motherfucker that's what happens in January That's when the tour started the tour started on this time because we were out on the road the whole month of February So we're at this place Jody's on stage, and I'm like this is great I go the food is great. We were just excited to be on the road You know and also and she goes now in the middle of my addiction. I'm an Idaho, so I'm not thinking about dick

I'm thinking about my may get some weed I may get some weed and in the middle of this I just throw out there You know I'm looking for some weed and she goes, you know you came to the right person I get you anything you want and I look at this bitch and I go. What do you mean anything and she goes crack? Coke heroin I mean whatever so I again I just throw it out there and a ball she goes I have it in and out And it was like I think I got paid 250 for the night for headlining the eight ball was 180 and the weed was 40 bucks And I was broke that man had a barley 20 bucks from Jody for beer or something

But remember she went back now. This is boys the Idaho this bitch comes back and I go You know and usually when somebody brings you blow back you go. Can I give you 20 bucks? Can I give you? She goes I want a shot So I go a shot And I'm thinking you know come on. Let's do a bump. She goes. No, no, no Can I taste them to shoot in the car? This is how crazy this is you can shoot cof. Yeah boys. He fucking Idaho So this is an in me and Jody party for a little while with the girl. Jody says she's tired. I'm like, yeah, I'm tired I'm gonna go back and fucking go to bed and save the two grand for tomorrow. Ah

I stayed up and did the whole two gbo's and call the girl again the fucking morning. Of course he did Fuck but boys. Yeah, this is like a suburb of boys. Yeah, I don't I'm thinking if I could find the joint I would jump up and fucking down for hours But no I found an eight ball and a bag of weed and a chick that wanted to shoot blow who's better than fucking The front door mule, that's what you find. That's right That was fucking craziness, but that was the how the tour started and we went all through Boise and all through Oregon And we ended up going through a while not North Dakota and Minneapolis. We went all the way to Phelon

Indiana which was St. Louis, Missouri We ended up the tour in St. Louis, Missouri At some it's now a funny bone you found the guy's business card We ended up the tour there and then we caught this other week of work somewhere and we had to shoot Miami No, no, this was the worst fucking. I mean, but we went We ended up in fucking Milwaukee at this haunted house that we had to stay on the couch and the couch was fucking yellow And my room had a waterbed and her room was missing a window and the fucking tub was black And the owner of the club was a gangbanger

A biker. He was a Hell's Angel of some shit. This is he's just he just had a stroke the guy It was disgusting It was like sperm and ass wax and they rubbed it together with their fingers on the couch had that yellow Creamish tint this place and I remember going into the condo She was passed out in the car going to the condo looking at this and I had to go back out there and break the news That we're gonna stay here and I remember going I'm only gonna wake up I'm just gonna pick her up and put her on the chair and let her wake up in this fucking haunted mansion of death And I remember going what like this was comedy. This was rough neck comedy

It's this is how you start the comedy game It ain't fucking airplanes and you know hanging out with Mick Jagger in a green room This is it mind blow from a door check. That's gonna shoot it. You follow me. This is it now We are used to wait at the hotel until the maid left to clean fucking bust in to an empty room take a shower Run back to the car and drive to it. So glamorous. This is this is fucking crazy You know, this is like we got one room one night. Well, we have this we had separate rooms in Oregon There was a Super Bowl. We ended up getting separate rooms We were so fucking happy because for one night you had your own space

Like that's how crazy it was when you go on the road in a tripled one when you learn comedy You give up your privacy. There's sometimes you get to a comedy show like you're sharing a room with some fucking black Dude from Sacramento, you don't know and you're in there He's scratching his toes vibe and shit talking through his hose and you're trying to you know, read the Bible, you know Whatever fuck whatever the fuck that is that you're into. So now we have to go back from Milwaukee to the West Coast to do one more week. This is the fifth week out. So this is the sixth week We do four more nights. It starts to bend and they go somewhere else that goes to Eugene and then Salem Salem is a Saturday night gig. We're gonna spend the night and Sunday morning. We're gonna fucking leave

Okay, here's Jody Ferdy with tight little fucking jeans on a little blouse Titties a bang and red hair in Oregon with a tan. She wasn't pale then you understand this before twilight came out So we walk into this hotel. We were fighting too. They were fighting like this is six weeks in a fucking car, bro This is reality. You're gonna hate your fucking mother Six weeks in a car Like this, you know, and all and then when we left we had an hour to shower We were together again, but it was a show and then you know, and it was I mean tell it There was times you did a show till midnight

I'm gonna go back to your room because you had to be in the car by six or driving back to your room Just get in the car. Get in the fucking car. You had to drive 12 hours and let's pretend Her paycheck was 175. What are you talking about and mine was She got 50 this guy is so cheap He would give you half your pay and then mail you the rest of your check I'm fucking ma'am. So for you guys who want to learn about comedy This is comedy before the fucking Great Depression, which is 2013 go it hang up So before you give up your day job think about these things, but this was what makes comedy

comedy At the end of all this we walk into this hotel and I don't want nobody to take this wrong You know, it's gonna sound fucked up, but it's not what you think we walk into a convention But it's not a plumbing convention. It's not a fucking sex convention. It's not the avian. It's a convention for hit it I Should know what was the name of your organization? Just say the organization. It was the special Olympics convention No, no, I'm not kidding. Why can't you cannot write this type of shit ladies and gentlemen retarded kids I have a child. She's not retarded, but the father's fucking retarded. So my feelings get hurt

Let's pretend they're mentally challenged. We walked in and we see a kid at the desk with a fucking balloon No matter how much you hate somebody When you walk in and you're surrounded by 200 mentally challenged, you all automatically have a bond Oh, we like are you what this is? What happened to me was like this could be good As a comedian, this is what you live for is you either do this or you get a nine to five This is why you live. This is what makes it possible that you're surrounded by What's the word mentally challenged?

Now to make it more interesting Jody says I'm gonna go up says and wash my monkey because my dad's company is taking us out together Now her dad is no fucking Christian at the time He comes down takes us out to like a red lobster at some place. We have a great dinner. We're cracking jokes We're drinking with telling stories. No first. He came in to meet us in the hotel lobby, but we didn't see the I don't think we've seen none of them. No, we did Okay, he goes who the fuck's on ass washing duty, and I was like, oh Yeah, something like was weird. So right there. Well, I don't worry about nothing bad

So we go we and we had such a good time at dinner that our mind was taken off that So we walked to the side entrance into the hotel where banquets are yeah, and they're having a yearly fucking dance You cannot write this You understand me they have this is their blowout, but this is what mentally challenged kids live all year for this night Fuck Christmas. That's not going to the zoo like no one's remember take them to the zoo Retards like the zoo remember Rocky well, he told Rocky that take him to the zoo retards like the zoo This is way before that this is they and they're all dancing and I remember that they had balloons Okay, so now me and Jodie. We saw say a fucking word. They're all around us everywhere fucking everywhere

We walk to the gig. Hi. I'm Joe Dears. It's Jodie Freddy. Oh my god. Great. We walk into the side door Jodie goes on stage Is it for them? No Angles and I had to sign a couple autographs. Oh my god, this is classic Tell me half pint the chick from a house that little house on the prairie So we go in there we do the show and all some of these towns this is it guys This is it once the comedy show ends It becomes disco inferno and this is it the whole town is there This is it's either Louise or fucking the Ramada off the five. That's it

You know, this is their life people dress up all week to go there You talk to people on Mondays like I went to VIP Vegas and we had VIP take no This is deaf fucking big night the Salem Ramada and following two comedians in the next door Surrounded by mentally challenged fucking children Which I felt bad for the customers because they're walking until it's too. It's not a comedy show ends They put music on boogie you give you everybody's dancing Jodie's got a couple cocktails in it She's only shaking that cute little fucking ass and who comes thumbing up But one of the kids that walked out of the fucking convention for the momos, right?

Now at the door there's two big black guys that make Dante look like a fucking midget and they were offensive linemen for the University of Oregon This is how this is how they pay the football point go down there pick up three thousand But just working on it's just a comedy show or some white chick get your dick suck little today Not know it was a retard convention either Okay, they got they could do a thousand fucking steroids now There's one kid come walking with his little Superman t-shirt, you know He's thinking about roller skates and ice cubes What the fuck they think about and he looks in and he sees Jodie's ass

And he just stops his whole world stop and he's seeing these girls. He's like And finally like the football players they don't know that two brothers. They're like do what you do play Handle it and he goes up and Jodie's dancing with the girl this guy gets behind Jodie and he becomes What's uh, what's the dude? What's the dude? Django, what's what's the old not not what's the fucking god? What's the black dude in pulp fiction? Who did he play in in? Jungle love

Jungle fever he played the cousin that did the dance to get it. He became gay He's doing the gala dance next to Jodie further getting the other girl and he's working and finally Jodie's laughing She's a sweetheart. She's giggling and she says come on get in the circle with us And he's looking now. He saw the ass for 10 minutes and that took him Now he's looking at the titties and they're bouncing this cleavage and retardo is going He's going fucking nuts He's turning all black and shit on him he's shaking this show You know right before they kill you in roots. They would shake their show

And the spirit goes inside I mean he had a flavor of cock and he was getting Jodie. He didn't give a fuck how he was gonna do it He had heard about this in a little Tarte school how they got pushed in shit But this was it tonight. They were gonna get hers He starts getting a little physical with Jodie and dancing a little tough with Jodie and finally something happened when the doorman comes They figured out they figured out that he escaped. No But before that Way before that the two doorman are like what the fuck's going on in so he tastes a little retardo outside

No little retardo sitting on there with his face is upside down frowned From out of town saying and he's ready to shoot himself But his fucking prey is in there. You know those videos that you see is to zebra is about to get the mongoose This was it this motherfucker those titties belong to him. Tato was going home with a tit to put on his fucking wall He's gonna go with milk dripping on his chin and everything this motherfucker Starts charging at him at the football players. This is two fucking guys, Doug They couldn't have him. He was spinning. He was swimming pushing Mike and grabbing that more like that They were blowing whistles. What's a little black dude's name blow the whistle. He showed up for more brothers

This guy was going around them like Lawrence Taylor in fucking 87 for black dudes tackles and this kid was 12 Fucking that world up swimming pushing finally the guards come with the whistle Like like fucking one floor the cuckoo's nuts. They're like, there you are And he's And they're shooting them with settlers and this motherfucker's trying to say titty-titty, but he can't God help me God help me for making fun of a horny retarded I was convinced you scan the mom was convinced you walked out with like $5,000 and like a check or something who you Well, you can't do that to those people I robbed the jar one time

Lee to have like a 20 in a jar and I was like like 11 out of bag and I hope I wish I was lying to you people at home I really didn't do this one Sunday. I never forgave myself I always put those jars double now because I went to a car valve and listen, they're a fucking scam too Those jars are a fucking scam too They just take a picture of a black kid sweating and they put on the fucking thing and put give to my nephew You put a dollar and there's some guy at the bar going Oh Another G-bo yet. He said he's keep putting a job half those first of all all those charities. It's what they get 30%

70% goes to administrative fees. We think those administrative fees are a seven series So before you fucking donate next time and all these fucking sandies and all these shit that happened What do you find out a year later? They're not getting their money Which all this money going to John and the other people sang for an hour and jumped up and down a master where God got a hundred and fucking 50 million That's how much of that money do you think they'll really get those vixens of Sandy didn't fucking What's his name? You're right. He what's his name? The Fuji's didn't he take 80s fucking money and he's Haitian He's fucking Haitian and he took the fucking money. Okay, because really all you dummies are gonna send in millions of fucking dollars

So people you don't know don't tempt anybody look at the mayor in fucking Louisiana. Yeah, so he got invited the other day He got died if you're taking kickbacks. It's just common greed You getting all this you go on YouTube and say I got a sister who's missing a foot You'll get a thousand dollars on YouTube on fucking on Twitter Go on Twitter and say I got a sister with a missing toe and she wants to be a professional fucking kickbox For shorts and free lessons, you know, can you imagine? Yeah Yeah, you fucking imagine so the next time before you donate think about that that if you send $20 They're getting like six fucking dollars

And you better off flying to Jersey and just giving somebody 500 fucking bucks. That's what you better I mean, that's how I feel if I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong, you know, and I'll try to get like I'll give I would give blood to blood Blue Cross, but what they read the YMCA on Saturday But I had this banana bread blooded me. You know I'm saying you want to give nobody no banana bread blood What happens if that momo would have got the Jody's tits he would have bitter He would have got like Chlamydia from Jody or something like that. He would have needed a fucking blood transfusion And here he's getting that fucking banana bread blood transfusion. He would have been all mowed up for years Lee you've been quiet today. Cops sucker. You gave me the banana bread. That's why I gave you the fucking that's right people

We had a bust out the banana bread again before I got here. I had to give it up, but I know you got to take this test I'm gonna take drug tests. So I'm out. You have to take drug tests long story in Hollywood She's on the straight narrow, this is my girl we we've snorted half of Bolivia together In fact, she's still waiting for me to bring that gram. I was gonna bring her when I left that night I'm gonna get your cigarettes and the gram. I'll be right back You used to hide grams all over the apartment I used to hide coke in the house because I couldn't take it to my house And I was like, what are you doing? And then he'd come over and he'd like just search in just I was like Why are you in the linen closet like where I would hide in the living closet?

I was hiding a fucking little up top because people don't look for coke in the house Wouldn't you be paranoid like any time I hide something or like I leave something somewhere like shit That's gonna be gone. Like when you be over there in 20 minutes like is it there? Okay, it's there. No, it's at her house It's like me listen, let's go to your house to do a podcast, right? Yeah, and I had ten million dollars under your sink You don't even know it's in there. I'm gonna tape it up good. I'm gonna tell you I'm taking this shit This type of juice, I know you juice, you know, you know, you don't even like fucking Yeah, you're a fucking juke you love paper I would know it's not gonna see him when you put the OJ's for a love of money. I think it's all black

He throws the soul train line by himself and shit money money, but what money? We're here bitches the church of what's happening now to flying you Jody Ferdy Dante whatever his fucking name is you'll need to know So you guys tell a story you set it up, but like was there a story like how did you guys meet? Who don't tell you don't how do we meet on the fucking story White lightning White lightning for the Jewish kid that thinks he's black. He's Jamaican You know the black dude from fucking true romance Brad Pitt. This is who Brad Pitt stole the character

Yeah, he's a Jamaican dude that used to sell weed over here And he's the high weed in the garage and everybody robbed him in the building. It was tremendous Everybody was the black chick used to rob them his girlfriend used to rob them then he used to get so paranoid He used to hide the weave from his girlfriend And he used to hide his girlfriend's friends apartment and the girlfriend's friend used to fucking Rob him and then when I went over there to snort coke with the girl one night She had like three chins. She had big tits and a long chin. It was tough Nobody would ever fuck a people like what way I was dead till five did you fuck a helm though?

She had a long chin But she used to have the weed so she'd tell you if you want weed I'll sell to you at discount prices So everybody was robbing this poor fucking Jew. He was the dumbest fucking Jew with money And that's all I got to say and then he introduced us And I wasn't hanging with you. I knew more your cousins. I knew your cousin. Who's not really your cousin? What's his name? No, no the other guy capri capri? That's what I said But we have a mutual friend that I still see there's one of the funniest black characters of all time

And if I could find them in the street, I would bring him here and I saw him I see him. I see him. Who that was his name every time I go over to Dante's who that lived in the closet He lived in the fucking closet And he would be proud of it So when you were over there at night having a conversation with Dante about sports in a mix of that the closet door would open Under the stairway and he'd say fuck that shit the Lakers of the best team in basketball And he'd go back into his little fucking closet. Yeah, like a little I swear to God dog yet everything

It was a guy fucking you know what if the world ended right now and he had that little underground closet He would come out in the morning and the world would be gone and he would be like he'd be like the fucking road warrior I went in there one night. He had his feet up cut this fucking thing in there He had a light zoomed into his big toe. He had a little car a day thing books Everything fucking proportion. He fit just perfectly in there. He fit and now he's like a superhero He's the fucking hope I'm Hollywood Boulevard They were like they were like asking people for money or something like they would they would make people like give them tips and like people got pissed off And then they bought and then they got beat up

I beat up There's nothing worse than getting beat up but getting beat up with a costume on that's gotta be fucking New year's nothing worse than seeing the chicks who are so fucking delusional. They think they look like Marilyn Monroe They look like a fucking oh, it's just oh The worst what's what you don't own a mirror in your house. And what is that these people are actually taking pictures with these people? Yeah, you think Marilyn Monroe looks like you ever do anything like that Joey Like Joey Diaz in a white dress You ever dress up in a costume or do a kid's party or anything like that. I am so uptight about dressing up

Really? I'm so uptight about that. Like I was done with it when I was like 10 for Halloween Like I was done with all that stuff makeup and done done my fucking hate. I don't know why I was too uptight growing up I just didn't like it after a while really gonna dress up in this fuck the costume would always be ripped by the end of the fucking night anyway The surprise you don't put a cape on or a mask or I mean I've had capes on different sexual situations From time to time Nobody wears a cape no more. Nobody knows the fucking class that it brings to your dinner You show up with a fucking cake people know you ain't fucking around you talk to someone in the cape Yes, no, I would never talk to someone you look them straight. Yeah, you don't fuck

But you know, they got a cape on you understand That's right, you got to be that's right, but see you'd have a cake see People don't know is we're working on our clothing line The Jew cape is gonna be a cape mixed with a yarmulke with a matching fucking yarmulke Tremendous, you understand me you bust out that fucking outfit somewhere to a party an audition. I guess who's getting the part You Everything is good. It's good to be here Nerdist studio again this show brought to you by almond if you're trying to lose some weight

You're jumping up and down in your joint hurt go to honor calm Prep get the strong bone go to the box press and fucking check out and press in church And you get your 10% off plus a fucking free gift. All right, do it today. It's important You help us your house on it. Everybody's fucking happy And you drink your water you go for a walk just start by going to the mailbox everything else works out. You follow me Jody Ferdy, when are you gonna come up and see the baby I Had that flu I would never push my child on anybody. I put those pictures up in Facebook I don't want to be one of those parents

I didn't want to talk about kids on the show because you know, I was talking about mugging hookers two years ago I cannot But what I will talk about is with dear friends because you've known me since the apartment and you've known me Since Jesus left Chicago. I know right really is completely different Like I've known leave for two years But when you see the kid and you sit there for an hour and you look and you think of all the times we had Think of all the times we had because it happens to me and it's happening to me now going first off when she told me For the last nine months have been a complete different person because I was petrified. I thought she my wife was gonna die

She's 43. I didn't know what could happen not even to mention that I did drugs for 30 fucking years God knows that kid was gonna come on shake hand Looking out a window. I got a man. I was really nervous. I was nervous I ate 30 volumes in two days of Beaumont, Texas. Are you fucking kidding me at the age of fucking 40? That's gotta affect you somewhere. And yes, I've been clean from all that shit for five years But there's gotta be some residue something it affected something. I always say this affects something nothing is free in this fucking world So I was always very scared when you see this child. You're gonna sit there and go holy fuck I'm gonna tell you something and I know he's not gonna call. Okay. This is the weirdest thing for the last three months

I was really scared and I got advice from different people plus I went online. I'm a line nerd I will fucking What's that doc vac thing a ma doc a web doc web web MD? I live on web and they sent me a Christmas card Web and these says me I hit them up for everything my toe hurts. I hit them up. I get fungus on my head I hit them up. I hit them up. I take pictures Oh shit What's up, baby? How are you my friend?

Can you hear me? I don't know if you're gonna get good reception. I can hear you. I can hear you my man How are you? Doing good. Who's this on the tell the people who you are say hello? Who I am I want when Carol one can tell me known it only known as Carlos and Carol. That's right. This guy is This guy that's on the line is one of my dearest friends And I was just getting to the story Carlos how for the last nine months my head was somewhere else And I was worried about my wife and I was worried about failing as a father And I was just worried about all these things that I didn't want to feel this at 50 and

The day before I had the kid, you know I had read all these things and if you know anything about Carlos when my mother first died I grew up in Carlos's house Carlos had a younger brother Dee Dee that they used to call the man child and me and him used to fucking terrorize motherfuckers And we go back to his house at two in the morning And we eat a quail and listen to Led Zeppelin and we wait the Carlos to come home. He was our big brother you know and I Love Carlos and I never thought that the best advice I got on this whole thing was from you Tell them what you're telling me Carlos

Well, you know, it's basically was just something that came very natural I mean obviously not at the beginning before I had my kids, but once I had them I Kind of understood You know, there was a lot of changes that been in your life and and you know when I sat down and finally started to understand what it all meant and Took it all in, you know, I just I just felt the need that some day that as somebody that I felt that I care for that I'd be able to share that with and

You know, basically, it's it's a process, you know, it's a process that the You know, the woman woman goes through and and as long as you're there A big, you know, to be a big part of it It just makes it so much more easier for for for your wife, you know And basically just tried to make you aware of the things that I was nervous about and I was afraid of And I wish I had somebody there, you know to actually tell me because I read it all in books, you know I just read it kept reading and reading and Still didn't compare me for what I was what I was

You know to experience it's just nothing like it. So I just wanted to I wanted to share it with you No, you know, I Know this I took two things out of our conversation and one you said just be there and help your wife Just help her with everything and number two, you don't need to change diapers. You don't need to do it and just love that baby And then pieces of fall into play and after everything I'm sorry No, no, I'm sorry. I'll cut you off. Go ahead after two weeks. That's what it's been amazing that I thought I followed your advice to the tee

I'm not gonna tell you columns. I'll still stab a motherfucker. This didn't change me. I'm not a crazy chin I'm not gonna change. I'm still gonna be a dirty motherfucking who I am This just adds bullets to my gun because it makes me play for keeps That's all this does it enhances my life. Plus When I hold her, you know, when I think about what you say, just love her like my wife always says, oh She falls asleep better with you Well, there were two reason is because I'm a fat fuck and I got warm titties and I put her head next to my heart Don't take no fucking genius to put your kid to sleep your fucking momos

But every woman watches the view and don't do this and don't do that You tell your husband to eat those fucking Oreo cookies when you break it and get those titties bouncing motherfucker and But the truth is the love puts her to sleep and I tell you I didn't even love it until I talk to you and it if it If they saw you and we really sat here for hours and talked about our relationship They wouldn't believe that those words would come from a guy like you because you and I are very close with street guys, you know Exactly and that's if that's exactly my point of actually sharing that with you is that You know, everybody thinks, you know You know, if you're a big bruiser and you're a big guy and that you know what that you support

You're not supposed to show any sensitivity. Well, you know why I could tell those guys to go go price. They go fuck yourself Absolutely, well All right. Well, that's what that's what it comes down to because you know what listen Yeah, everybody has a lot. I don't give up You know, actually, you know, I think the bigger I know is that they The bigger it's stronger than if these guys are you know what the more lovable they actually are the more heart Love that they actually have most of them, you know You get those few guys that don't that don't want to show it that things that that things that that's really being a man

Well, you know what that's not being a man because being a true man is you make that commitment what you did and you know You get that ultimate that ultimate gift what you have gotten, you know What the best thing to do at that point is to to just cherish the people that that have made that possible Which is obviously into wife to have to carry that baby for nine months, you know, once you see a woman Let me tell you talk about respect for a woman once you see what they go through and

The punishment that they take just to bear that child Let me tell you now. I understand the whole the whole process of why a woman automatically has a bond with a child because It's it's it's just amazing feet. It's amazing to watch the whole process and and the father you and me no matter how you look at it You better work for it, you know, and that's where the love comes in and you know, you know the touch and You know spending an hour massaging your baby every day, you know spend that time because you you as a father have to earn that That bond so, you know, if the more you're involved with your child the more you're harder the more your lover, you know what? That's all you're paying into something that you're going to get 10-15 years down the road because my kids when they show back. I

just know When they open up to me and they tell me things that I you know Thank God they tell me I know that it's because of the time that I put in back then, you know And I just wanted to share that with you because I want to make sure that every second of the day you understand That that's all it's going to take everything else is going to come natural from that that that that attachment that gap So, you know, it just brings you closer to your wife, you know, it lets you it lets her know how much you care about her You know, and and that's really what it comes back doesn't make you a big pussy or you know

You don't have to give up who you are or change you are. No, you know what? It's something that happens with inside It just makes you a better person, you know what it's just going to make you a better comedian or you know Better stand-up guy with a better actor a better husband a better father It's going to make you a better human being you you know, it's just what it does to you, you know It makes you feel different things and I don't know. I Didn't go on forever, you know, I mean, it's gonna be so much

You have so much to look forward to ahead of you right now You know, I'm just happy for you. I just I'm just glad I got To enjoy that moment with you So, you know, that's basically that comes out. I love you Carlos. We've been hanging out for like 30 fucking years though If I'm going to buy some something I'm gonna take it from you, bro and Let me tell you I couldn't I couldn't be any prouder of Particularly human being, you know, you know what?

Some people just close to show you what kind of character you built from and that's why you are who you are why people like you I'm sure that's why people are attracted to you because Anybody see nobody can understand. I know you tell these stories to people and people are proud of some people probably say yeah, right? they have no idea of what you've been through and What you've you know, what you did to get to where you to where you are and you know what if everybody if everybody knew it They feel exactly how I feel just as proud as I'm you know You couldn't be any proud of you know, couldn't be any prouder to see somebody that didn't give up That's that's what it's all about and that's just gonna make you it's just gonna make you a greater person like so, you know

I just continue wishing you luck and man, and you got you'll always have my love that'll never go away. So You know, I just I can't actually just wait to To be able to fly out there and see you know, see family like you know in person. So that's my next My next thing so soon brother. I love you. I love you for calling today. I love you too I'm giving you a call when I get home. Thank you very much for calling and for helping me out Absolutely any time any time any time so I'll be you and have a great have a great great evening. You too. Bye All right Yeah, man, he took me off a fucking ledge, but me and his brother used to be real mean his brother used to be really tight growing up

especially with my mother died and him and his brother They lived in a two bedroom house the mother the grandma lived in one bedroom and Carlos and him lived in a bed on the floor And Carlos is very good looking. He's a Cuban guy with with dark complexion and big fucking blue eyes and he was yoked So he'd always bring these girls home. They take pictures of him having sex and shield He was 18 so we're like 15 and we're going over there and we thought we were cool shit We'd have like a bottle of poop off vodka P. O. P. O.

Right And we take a quailude and just hang and wait for Carlos to come home at 3 Because we knew that if we stay in the room, he'd always look at us, you know So what's it gonna take to get rid of you guys? Here we go a line of coke a piece And he go I'm only gonna give you fucking one line but as he was giving us the line he would tell us how we're gonna get hooked on it and But you know how you have your mother takes you to different things He would take us to wrestling matches and basketball games, but this guy that just called but he also took us on dates

So like if we were going on a date like that's how long I know this guy Like if Jody lived on 80th Street and I lived on 29th Street, I would go to his house at 3 30 go dog I need to write up to Jody furthest tonight. It's going down And he'd go what time I need to go up there 8 o'clock and then on the way up while he was driving He talked to you about like, you know what you're gonna do, right? Do you have condoms and protection? You know, you don't want to get a girl pregnant. That's the type of guy He was so he always lived a little fucked up, but damn as I got older. It was on he got this chick Gabby She was sucking everybody's dick. So he said fucking I'm gonna paint this bitch out of my base

As he got older he moved downstairs and took a little basement He was hoping this bitch out and selling weed. I mean this guy's a mastermind Then I heard you know disappear for some shit and I had to disappear. This is 1985 I'm living in Jersey, but I'm living out by Pennsylvania, and I'm in a fucking supermarket one day and I look and he's fucking Carlos And he knew I was in trouble and I knew he was in trouble So he walked up to he tell him like what's up, and he's like nothing and he was like apprehensive and I'm like, Doug I'm your brother. I'm not gonna set you up. I'm here on the run, too You know and he goes don't ever see no tell nobody you saw me and never saw him again

Then he somebody called me about three years ago and told me Carlos is no as a matter of fact I did a benefit and his brother showed up Dee Dee and Dee Dee's name was the man child Dee Dee at the time that I hung out with that family if I wouldn't have hung out I was surrounded by a lot of families, but they were the only Cuban family that was I was tight with and then mentality was Cuban But Dee Dee's mentality was Cuban meets caveman And this motherfucker was 15 and had the brain these called man child He had the body of a man and the brain as a child and there was these killers that went to school with you know I'm gonna write a bit about this because it's true

See now a person going to school with a gun and kill a bunch of kids when I went to school They were the dumb kids that sat in the back of the room and the teacher would tell them listen just sit in the back Watch my back, and I'll give you a as long to do nothing just sit there in the back read a book And when you're 16 we'll send you to high school, you know Just sweat it out. We'll send you up there. You can't hold you forever You know I'm saying once you start driving the school is time and these motherfuckers would guard you these guys were crazy But what was I talking about? I forgot I'm so fun I don't fucking know but Carlos and Dee Dee there was this kid Charlie Gizzy that every time the plane went by

He would get up in the sixth grade and shoot the plane And he had a family yet, and they were white people with the crazy hair They look like Charles Manson the whole family, and they were dirty and they had Ricketts You know I'm saying those kids that did work and they party and they listen to fuck it Rick and they had they listened to Led Zeppelin music at that age It was overwhelming for me like these were fucking dirty white kids in North Bergen that would shoot planes down and The older brother had killed somebody well Dee Dee took two of the brothers out Fucked them up and brought daylight with his hands on five corners

I took them down to five corners It really had five corners the way the streets are shaped There was a bank a pizza place a corner of stereo shot in a bank Which I robbed when I was 15 not with a gun my buddy was the manager and we gave him a note is a long story But I hung out with Dee Dee dog these guys took means and they had a grandmother and a mother and the mother was beautiful She was 60 at the time but she was banging you could tell she was breaking hearts in Cuba She used to cook every night chicken and the Dee Dee used to always go Why do you always give cocoa the bigger piece of fucking chicken that's how much his mom liked me after my mother died

So that's how long I've been running with these guys But one night in Dee Dee up at this park, and we're drinking we're having a good time We're about 17 and these two girls from high school walking and they're talking to us But there's a fence and we're talking to them throughout the fence and also this car pulls up with these fucking gorillas And they start saying a shit to us to start talking to the girls and Dee Dee Says fuck you motherfuckers like it's like these guys were men And it's me and Dee Dee and two girls and Dee Dee tells the guy that a man goes fuck you me and my boy Fuck your four up, and I'm like, no

But you can say that that Dee Dee would kill for me on demand at those times I had two kids I ran with Dee Dee can taro and this kid got Nick I said durian He was Armenian. I didn't even know at the time I said durian I didn't know he was a powerlifter and he used to say quokko anything and his brother There were both powerlifters and what they did at night they go out at night and turn around Volkswagen's So if you parked your car Going east they would turn the fucking thing around and point it wet These kids are soft moors in high school that's how strong they were they were turning fucking cars around

Gargham telling me this is this is fucked. What was I talking about? So these guys came out and me and Dee Dee starts and what I'm gonna start fucking the guy up I'll never forget I had a net fishnet football shirt with the short the shoulder pads were covered Remember those with this but inside is fishnet So they couldn't say you could put your your shoulder pads underneath and shit like that I had one of those on them and I was fighting two of them and one of the guys pulled the shirt over me They kicked me in the fucking face And we're like we're gonna get you motherfuckers

I like fuck you both you get the fuck out of it and we're walking up the corner because we didn't run for nobody We're walking up the corner with our shirts ripped and at the light is Dee Dee his brother this kid Ella who was missing teeth at 20 He didn't have a teeth in his mouth when you're 40 you got no teeth you got problems when you're 20 you got no teeth Fuck it. This motherfucker used to walk around with a hammer. You know those things that people wear for a hammer Yeah, instead of a hammer he put a bat in there. That's how crazy this guy was Irish They were all brothers you had to fight and they're the father one at me one Thanksgiving with a knife Me and down Rigo with a fucking knife and they pulled over tonight. What happened my dog

These guys just fucked us up till I get the fucking back We went there and we surrounded these guys and we hit him with that fucking bat that he had these guys were on the floor And these two brothers were like grab the bat Coco hit that fucking killin the bat and they're told this fucking stories They hit them with the fucking bat like 80 times. You're not leaving until you hit this We had to hit this kid with the bat and I had there was blood everywhere. Fuck them. We just got in the car and left That was it and that dude that called tonight has been my dog for 30 fucking years So put that in your pipe and fucking smoking. That's how we roll here at the church of what's happening

I look at the fucking digs all we're missing is Jesus hanging upside down in this motherfucker There's some white guy walking around with a cup looking for donations. We ain't looking for donations Go to anac.com. Get your life together. Get that hip protein 16 grams of protein 19 grams of fucking fiber. You understand me? So you put two bananas in there two eggs a couple of amino acid pills some Colligial juice to get your fucking helmet right you blend that shit up You'll have about 26 27 grams of protein and all your body could assimilate as dirty for fucking meal Who the fuck you think you're dealing with some novice? I may be a fat fuck, but underneath this is some muscle somewhere

You understand me so get your shit together. I'm here with my favorite motherfucking black dude in the world Don sleazy aka Went to my wedding forget about it me and don't they got all fucking stories and shit Don't just sit there. Tell the story cocksucker. There's a church of what's happening now. Tell him something I don't fucking know Ah Look at Lisa I act cracking funnies throwing Dante under the fucking bus on the way of the bus on national television and shit My fucking god, it's good to see you man. It's good to see Jody Ferdy. Thank you Jody Ferdy Thanks for having me. Jody Ferdy. Jody Ferdy and I was snorting the fucking blow one night over here and outside the window some fucking hooker

We're sucking some guys dick. What the hooker say Jody Ferdy What the guy say right outside the window the guy said he said I Told you no teeth right? He said no fucking teeth And he was screaming right outside my window and she goes motherfucker. You're lucky in this neighborhood Yeah, found a bitch with no teeth now take the blow job and shut the fuck up. We died We used that building 1440 see Ralphie fucked it up because Ralphie was supposed to take 40 1440 to VH one 1440 was this building where Ralphie may have lived and Jody Ferdy can gather boy I still live saline and all these people live there and the second floor was alcohol vilt

One of the best things I ever did there. I was talking in Gavin's apartment on the phone. I was smoking a cigarette I'm smoking this fucking cigarette paste them back and forth paste them back and forth And I throw this cigarette out the fucking window. I'm talking to Gavin on the couch. I'm also like Look out and this fucking bum's got flames coming out of his blanket in the mattress. He's stepping on it And about that night I go out and I come back and you come back your mind is somewhere else You forgot about the light you the guy you live on fire earlier that day And I walk and I see the bum with the mattress and he's asleep and he's got the blanket with a big Fucking hole missing out of it. So his body was pretty much exposed from the fire

But the blankets just surrounded him. I mean this that's not the place had so many stories the roof People have this sex on the roof. I just met a kid that said he jumped off that roof I Years ago, I met him at least in Jersey and he used to live his girlfriend used to live in my building And he every time I'd see him he'd say hello and one day I said he goes he goes You don't remember me do you and I go now really he was on the guy from milk on page I jumped off the 1440 roof and I broke my leg or something like that Well, what the fuck did you expect the thing to happen? He lived across me from the fire department

They used to be a path back to that me and Jodie furtig would walk before in the morning to go get cigarettes in 7-Eleven If we're all fucked up there, I mean, I know this neighborhood front and back. I used to walk this I used to they used to be a gas station remember on a across a maroma now. They sell tires and rims Yeah, that's my mechanic. They used to be a gas station there. His name is Rafi and He used to be outside so I would walk and sit by the gate in the morning I'd wake up all broken shit. I'd sit by the gate and I'd wait that he'd go outside to get somebody gas night Going I'd have a dollar for a soda like get the soda I put my hand I take a pack of Marlboro lights and I wait for him to come back and I say my friend and he got my friend

He'd take the dollar for a soda read my friend each other the debt and I'd walk out of there with his fucking cigarettes You follow me that was and then they used to be at Denny's across the street from there When we first moved there was a denny's that was a rat hole Denny the chair where a Roman is I know Yeah, that was a whole hangout the Denny's right there Oh, that was yeah, that's what all the hookers that all the hookers In fact, what's the movie that was the name of that movie they made the pink movie John single. What was the name he made? I'm dangerous the one that the day interviewed the brother right here where they used to fucking have now. It's uh, oh my god Now it's that whole area. You can't even believe it. They don't even have the the smoothie place there

What was the place that sold the burgers where the pimps used to hang out and the hookers on sunset? It's not there no more. It's like a strip mall now Nobody fucking remembers that right there in between La Brea and Fairfax Ladies and gentlemen, they used to be a little fucking shot and when they did that movie about hookers and pimps They interviewed the brother that flew down here and he said yeah, and that motherfucker rolled up and he took my b-team He didn't know I had the a team on the way from San Francisco Man, man, they interviewed him in front of the fucking burger chicken shop. Nobody fucking remembers what the hell I'm talking about I got four motherfuckers that lived American Pimp

I'm always the name of the bird what was the name of the movie American Pimp was the movie, right? The one with uh, the brothers that made the I'm not even saying is black people. There were two fucking brothers That were actually brothers that made the fucking movie the Smith brothers the black brothers something fun What's that? something remember remember and do the right thing when the dude goes by and he goes who shot you play water who? There were brothers. I know they were brothers, but who Mo and Joe Mo and Joe black I The banana bread is kicking cock suckers. You hear the church of what's happening loud

Lee sciat was gonna go to work tonight until we gave the banana, but he's about to call in sick this cock So I don't even know it yet. You follow me But this MPs must not be a strong Oh, it hasn't hit you it hasn't taken you over Oh, good. It's about to hit you with the fucking wing any minute now. You know I'm saying it's gonna get you a little shot It's like glorious death on it in 87 the rhythm is gonna get you You don't fucking know what else what's on tap Jody's He hasn't even smoked

Valium in this piece of fucking of uh, he's gonna be fucked up You're gonna go home right now and tell them to get a replacement No, I'm high, but we didn't last Wednesday, and I we could barely we were just sitting at my desk Just we couldn't even move. What was that in the morning? Yeah, but it's I only gave you a little piece You give me two feet two pieces. This was nothing compared last week. I gave you a half a fucking slab of that shit I gave you a good stuff. He's trying to break it up with his hand like it's a coke rock I'm like eat that fucking shit kind of break it up like I'm breaking it up So I was trying to roll it into a ball so I could just like roll into a fucking ball

What's that gonna do? It broke up. It wasn't like bread like you can like roll up like it like disintegrated It's weed and chocolate chips. That's all it is It's supposed to be what you expect fucking peanut butter tuna something like that. No, it's a fucking edible of death I get home at six in the morning. I don't expect to be getting high for ten hours. And how did you feel? You felt good. I felt good. All right, then. Did I tell that take care of you? Oh, you get high for fucking days on this shit People have had for hallucinations. That's why we But I really ain't I really ain't a fucking bang bar today. You know I rate a bang bar and a buck 80 at about one o'clock

After making my little shot today, bam I only got a bang bar. I think my wife's a lunch with the baby This is you can handle that shit that everybody thinks they can eat the same amount of shit like you and they look like there's like homeless people Just passed out on the side of the street. I get fucked up like my sister's seven o'clock. I will be done I don't know how you how you No nap today No, I took I had a good night of sleep lesson I got home about 12. I went to bed at one. I was up at eight

tweeting fucking talking Swimming going to yoga. No, I didn't do no that shit today, but I had a I got up and they were asleep And I said perfect. This is my time to do some shit. So I went I got the kitchen Just as I'm getting ready to start she comes in with the fucking kid. I had to clean the little boxes I started to empty that shit. I started feeding the fucking cats. I had to take a shower to wash my pussy take the garbage down I did all that shit with the kid with the iPod on see my wife doesn't know see I understand Where I came from and I came from a society where I came from a Cuban house where there was no hours

They don't care what time of this music will always be turned on. There's no whispering You know in my home, there's no whispering They talk at whatever level a little finger let them fucking wake up and he'll hear the conversation So I knew while I was having this child when I come home and my wife didn't sleep in the bedroom She's sleeping in the living room. So when I would get home at night, she talked to me I talked to her so that's two in the morning. So I'm like This kid's gonna be a fucking night time kid You follow me, you know, you fucking know

So I've been telling her just to accept it. She wants to be gladiator She wants to fight fucking you know what I'm saying? It's not gonna pan out for you. Just let it run Let it roll She let that come out. She's listening to fucking some music for the kid. I go no, watch this I put on heck to live up. You should have seen the fucking kid Dropped Dropped she had some fucking hillbilly joe music the mumford brothers or something Coming for you. But the kids don't want to hear that shit. They're fucking two weeks old

I put heck to live all on the trumpets the whole fucking thing kids. She couldn't believe it She's like, well, you know spanish the kid don't fucking know spanish. Don't blame it on the fucking spanish Don't blame it on the fucking spanish because the kid knows it's got to play with its dna is used to You get you know, the kid's cuban. What are you gonna give him? You're gonna give him fucking soy milk No, give him coconut water. Watch that motherfucker dance The church to what's happening now the flying jew jody for for for for Third day my man jody frayley. What else is going on? So you're good the program is working for you Uh, you know what you're just working it. We're working it. You're doing one day at a time

I do one second at a time. Well, ever the pieces may fall together and piece Then when I fall off, I fucking bungee jump off. I don't do it like a normal person But you know what you get back on track. That's right. No, no, that's that's all you can do What's going on when you don't they turn out and what's happening? We're trying to get this you did let that go. Yeah, how long you've been not been drinking for nice since new years I actually started before two years, but I kept falling off the wagon I started around halloween

But then it was like official like on january 1st Very nice. I'm like, well, I know where am I? Hold on something something's missing. So you started on halloween or you're stopping halloween No, I stopped on halloween. I was actually in seattle and My sister in seattle. She's a bartender. So as soon as I get off the flight her husband picks me up It's a it's a bottle of crown royal already open in the car. We're good. He got somebody driving. We drink it in the car

And then you know tequila vodka just all the different stuff out of it ago You're like crown royal that's like jennifer indians crown royal black people You give a brother crown royal you turn to that black dude from friday And when that smacks the dude he's all cross-eyed and you show you what's up Denzel drakell, what's his name? Debo But these are the slapping folks

Oh my god Picking it up off the ground. I mean, you know, it's been like dirty clothes on my floor. It's not Doing nothing, but you know once I put the bottle down You don't have more time to focus on what's going on over here This is going pretty good, right? Listen, it's easy. You got two choices. You could either Drink a few nights a week. Keep it under respect yourself keep a limit get up in the morning and do your business You know it Motherfuckers know whether they can walk, you know when I was 21 and 23 every fucking night

I said this is the last time I do blow And it was always the same show i'm a goddamn up and i'm not gonna do blow first be you're not gonna do blow Second be you're not gonna do blow third beer in a shot I will blow a fucking monkey's asshole and lick it and stick my nose in it by that time you could talk me into anything And I would do blow but I knew this going in because if I could talk myself into three drinks, I'll do blow I'll fight I'll drink club soda till about one. They're not just fucking drink three drinks at one fucking shot You are always good about not drinking too much booze Why didn't like it? I made up for the booze that you always gave up. I don't like drinking

I don't like that. I don't know how the fuck somebody could get a glass of wine and drink it And that's it that feeling I don't like that straight feeling when I was a kid I always had to add to that feeling how to do acid Or smoke 55 fucking joints or do a quailude, but that just drinking six beers and just hanging out with somebody That is horrible. I feel empty just to pee. That's it. I drink beer to pee. It don't do that. My mother had a bar So When I was this age like my daughter's age now two weeks My mother had there was no fucking grandma in this country. I remember it was by herself and my dad died

So that bitch used to fucking take blackberry brandy with the pacify You ever do that shit just dip it in the blackberry brandy Between minutes that's fucking fuck better Joe better Joe's for pussy's jack My kid's drinking blackberry brandy. Fuck it old school with a pack of potato chips roughing at the shit. Fuck it Fuck it. We're here at nerdy studios trying to make it happen on a wednesday fucking afternoon I know we don't have our usual fucking numbers people don't even know we're doing this today But I know you're putting the remarks and people telling me to go fuck myself And Dante looks at the black guys from fucking roots and whatever the fuck you're putting on there and jody sexy

Some guy wrote some nasty shit there about jody wants to bang you and like your little pussy is on fire Excellent. It's been a fucking while. So awesome. Don't don't start with that shit. All right. Listen, I'm glad that you told her You're the only dirty filthy animal She's the only dirty animal that don't get dick but gets dick. I don't know how it happens I don't know how this happens. I don't know how you don't get dick, but you get dick I never met a woman like this Beautiful woman don't get dick but gets dick I'm a special breeze and she doesn't count like dick for dick

Like if it's bad dick, she won't count. It was last time you had none What about that dude? The dick was bad. Why you want to remember that shit? You want to sweep it on the road? Shit, there was nothing there. It was disgusting. Fuck it. Anyway, let me give some The flying juice here You better call in the word cocksucker that red devil cake is just gonna get stronger I want to give a little fucking shout out to my man. Quentum Newsom Stefan Lennon Luca banana

Sully barry mcfallon Mano 262 van heben mr. Clock, you know, I love you cocksucker whistle whiskey jack and chris vegas carrier I love you cocksucker. Thank you always for calling up here. We talked about this Don't forget this friday night flappers two shows eight and ten o'clock Don't forget the following week. I'm at the columbus funny bone february 1st and 2nd poor shows Get your tickets now and the week after that february 7th I'm at the san josean prop from the bottom of my heart and the fucking producer league I want to thank you guys for making testicle testaments number one on itunes. This is this is the first time ever and

I owe it to you motherfuckers Putting it together I've had these people hate today Because these are my two oldest fucking friends in hollywood of all time I was running with jody and hollywood says 97 and with don sleazy says fucking 98 So this is family here. They both went to my wedding jody got the invite late That they showed up in two of the church and everything everybody who's nervous. Who's that black man there? But uh, this is how we do it the church and what's happening. I was our first edition ever at the Nerdist, uh, please

Email me. Let me know what's on your mind. Let me know if you're trying to get it together Joey cocoa dears net go in there with revamping it my tour dates will be on them coming to kentucky I'm going fucking everywhere. This year the wall ends I'm doing it all the flying. You got to stay at home But I'm gonna bring them somewhere and let it be known for you little flying job He got a lot of email from little young chicks that want to suck the flying juice dick He's available for parties and the whole thing. I'll fly this motherfucker out. I'm taking 10 concert from the parties

Yeah If you want the flying july come to your house from 2,500 you'll put a yamaka and a matching cape on With a big star and david on it and a fucking thong And he'll come over and dance for an extra 3 000. You can sell a finger up his ass Thank you for the extra 500 for 35 flat You can put a finger up his ass and Fart in his left fucking eyeball Because the right one I need for when we fart on them for the big extravaganza we're doing here in hollywood

It's good to know That's right cut second, but I love you. I love you jody for coming Love you sir. I love you don sleazy for coming. I'm gonna have these guys on here again As co-host and core hordes and whatever the fuck you call it Have a great week and we'll talk to you cocksuckers monday for the church. What's happening now stay black. Lee. Where's the music? It's here hit it Let's see how high you see he's like a car Yeah

There's the nervous studio and son saying you want to hang reportery I said for my daughter you fuck not here These old republicans here they're gonna call that the fuck whatever