Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 01/28/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #50

Episode Date: January 29, 2013

We reached 50 episodes all thanks to you! Gary calls back today to update us on how his life is going after just finishing a 21 year prison sentence. Comedian Steve Simeone calls in and talks to Joey about their days with RJ the eccentric gambler. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at check out. Streamed live on 01/28/2013. 

It's Monday January 28th a beautiful fucking day to be alive you know why cuz you're in this fucking world today the church of what's happening now mad flavor Joey Coco Diaz my main man the flying jubilee sciat hit that motherfucker Lee what where's the boom boom I like boom boom side listen don't get carried away I'm trying to be a head start selling Monday free keep my peace oh shit the church Monday morning give a shout out to all you bad motherfuckers out there in the struggle getting up drinking your coffee you're at work already you get fucking digits whatever the fuck you're doing you're alive cops suckers get it

together oh shit what's up brother now much I'm feeling great I can't believe I was gonna come over here until you haven't taken a shower in two days there's no football this weekend except for that fucking she drew fucking I didn't even turn them on Probo I mean I turned it on for like two minutes I told my wife like there's nothing on TV find something I said you know what turn on fucking television the goddamn Probo I turned it on for like three minutes it was horrendously bad they've been talking about canceling it yeah that's just going to Hawaii you know they were half-assed tackled with defense or

backs what's his name it's not for me what's the team loses it's over you don't give a fuck if I gotta go to Hawaii it's over I don't want to play no more fucking football I'm not even sure I'm gonna watch a Super Bowl to me on what's the line right now on your little new England Ravens game the wingman the new England lost the Ravens in this Niners let's check the who the Niners and the Ravens are playing I'm sorry that's right what are you trying to make it hurt I'm sorry I'm slipping San Francisco is minus four wow wow down in New Orleans the land of sugar sugar we're here with a beautiful Monday morning

get up get your coffee you're alive motherfucker it's a beautiful day to be alive I know you got plans right your goals down wash your balls powder that fucking monkey little pussy get your tits all perky put some cologne on them do whatever the fuck you got to do it's Monday today's your second chance to get up and make it happen like me I don't give a fuck when I got up the baby and the wife were awake already she was crying my wife it's hysterical she keeps her in that room as soon as I get up I get her I bring her into the room I put that fucking TV on I put the iPod I was gonna say welcome and I still live in

the fucking days I put the iPod on I put music on and that kid within three minutes her arm is dropping she's fucking tapping up I go honey you got her in that room you've been putting in her head that she's got to go to sleep trick the fucking kid you got out with these little motherfuckers you know what I'm saying anyway it's a beautiful look I want to be around it's Mondays for my fucking mother your mother everybody you want to be around little jam on a respect oh shit you have to run a child book after this you want you have to run a children's book come on now when somebody breaks your home nothing like

a Monday morning to redeem yourself that's a good way to look at it you know ladies let's say you didn't suck a good cock on Saturday night there's another another week think about it how you're healthy you guys you need that monkey you didn't do the right fucking thing at that job interview guess what you get another shot this week it all starts today so what you didn't quit smoking you quit fucking today the diet you ate a fucking peanut butter fat man alert fat man alert I lost two fucking pounds that's great right now you know what these fucking points man I think they changed with the age you know I can't

count this new weight which is this new weight watchers point system is fucking killing me because I can't figure it out I'm used to the old one so in my mind I gotta go to your one but when I go to the meeting they tell me no no no no you know I didn't count the fucking fruit never his points I just didn't count it for this morning had a nice protein nice clean banana will not have any gas I didn't think it was the protein shake last Monday that was giving me the gas I think is what I ate the night before but I kept trying to go on my mind I had like a salad and that's what it is once you get the salad mixed with the protein

pot that's like a fucking fuck the Koreans what's coming out of my ass but pure nitrogen and shit you know it's awful what's that yeah what's pretty awful I fought in the car on the way home I had to like put all four windows it was raining I almost crashed into the Chinese guy next to me can you imagine crashing into a Chinese guy with his days and it'd be like a white dude crashing into me in this day and age the church of what's happening I had a great fucking weekend that flappers Friday night was great you know on Wednesday they call me like you ain't selling tickets I said listen these are

the fucking church of what's happening now people ain't got time to be going online and calling you we live by the day we don't fucking know I'm gonna call you two weeks in advance hey I'm just letting you when I put on Twitter I'm just letting you motherfuckers know I'm gonna be there I don't need you getting tickets and standing online like a fucking Momo just show up on Friday with both guns a pipe somebody game some young man he tweeted me and I didn't take his fucking name down it was late some young guy gave me a fucking joint Lee Lee I'm talking to y'all step it looked like a little shit from prison oh shit

it was this fucking thick all the way around he had two different types of weed he dipped it in hash or a bazooka oil he rubbed it with this fucking weed coating and freeze dried it and it was hard and fucking I'm gonna show you the roach the roach would scare most human beings yeah it's it's this big it's all crusty it looks like a fucking fingernail with fungi in it you know when it goes on you how's your fingernails your toenails you're right they're very nice fingernails I used to bite them but then when I got my toothpicks fucking I don't bite them no more oh no I haven't had that but no I

took a shower before you got here you didn't wash that little monkey and everything I have to you I like it Julie so yours you're learning this is the church these are the principles you get up you fucking feed the cats you feed the dog you fucking put an apple in your stomach to get your metabolism going and you go in the shower you wash those balls maybe I take a fucking dump you take the dump and you go in the shower so you wash that ass good you don't want to go out with rotten ass you know I'm saying even if you wash your ass before you go in the fucking shower right yeah and then you come out and you eat and

then you take a shit it's your shower but you're not completely leaving that ass has a little whang to it so you might as well that's why I eat that apple walk around a little bit get the testosterone the stomach going then you go in the shit or you drop a bomb then you're going in you wash your muffler good you know you're on a shower and while you're in the shower you gotta take a shit and that's a fucking thought process right there oh you have to get out do you get out what are you gonna do never dump right in the shower like a savage you took a shit in the shower I have like one time or twice what the

fuck you gotta push down the hole with your toe this ain't playing with fucking Play-Doh and stuff dog I swear to God one time I got so sick of the shower I got so drunk or something in Moscow Idaho I never forget that I was puking and it was like what happened in San Francisco I went to puke and a little turd came up but this wasn't no little turd this was like and I was in mid-process what are you gonna do try to walk out with four inches coming out of your fucking muffler noblies you know it would have fell on the floor and I got a bend over pick it up when you hung over it's not gonna work out for you I just let that

motherfucking drop in the shower I've probably stopped sweating I look at that piece of shit I was in that shower for like an hour and nothing happened to that piece of shit it held on for a fucking deal life I figured after an hour of water it would like disintegrate didn't know I had to take like the shampoo bottle and push it down the holes like a fucking play though that's I'm disgusting but at least I'm being honest with you guys it's a church what's happening on Monday when they show up with no fucking the worst I ever did was I went out drinking with a buddy and I the first time I blacked out I got

home and apparently I didn't want to puke in the toilet I puked in the tub and I woke up the next day and didn't remember it I called him and I was about to blame him and then I went back and looked at his left food I ate you could see like the cheeseburgers no it was beans from a real you nasty motherfucker I know yeah I got puking that was the time I puked in the shower I puked everywhere and at that club at the time this is when I was living in Seattle on Wednesdays they would give you prairie farts so they would make you drink tequila with Tabasco sauce in it okay while you were on stage they would keep sending them to

that's the first time I've hallucinated on tequila like I remember the fucking bathroom the picture of the fucking the picture of the horse in the hotel was just killing me so but that's it that's all I fucking did this week I was a little sick you know I did not and I'll say this again I had a great time at the Nerida Studios but it just felt out of my patois so if I was a little weird that day people the podcast was a little off it was me I take all responsibility I just wasn't it wasn't I don't like afternoon podcast I don't like it by four o'clock it was just too fucking late you know yeah even sometimes when I

do Joe's that's why I'm so fucking aggravated that's why Joe knows I don't want to do it I want to get this shit I want to get to you motherfuckers early I was telling somebody last week somebody called me and said why do you do your podcasts early come to our studio whatever and I said listen let me tell you something this is what pisses me off about society straight up I get up in the morning sometimes you're in a great mood you guys seem to have a great mood and when I'm listening to fucking the food wouldn't that the Fuji fighters the the Fuji for the Fufu fighters whatever the Fufu fighters you know

best of you I'm getting high I'm talking to my wife I'm fucking around with you guys on Twitter but my door would be open and I would listen to the news so while I was talking to you guys you know fucking around on Twitter trying to write jokes I'd be listening to the news and you listen to the news and the first 35 fucking minutes of the news omitting the traffic which is always bad in LA and the weather is all bad it's either a teacher that molester student a shootout three people who ran a red light and got killed by a drunk driver you know traffic jams on the 405 overnight how many times have I called

you and said hey mentally have a great weekend you're like Joey I'm driving home from work avoid the 405 remember the night you call me to you know there's so much shit that happens in LA overnight and you wake up but this is a normal fucking human being a person who pays taxes somebody who doesn't smoke pot a god-fearing fucking American you get up you put the news on you get your kids ready and this is the shit you're listening to after 35 minutes of listening to this negativity because that's right I mean that's real negativity you know everything bad the White House GOP is going up against Obama this is what you

hear all fucking morning and then at 10 to 7 they play the story about the blind fucking Chinese kid with his toes or some shit and you know so you go from one extreme of fucking fear to finally the last 10 minutes so you leave your house with this whole thing at 35 they just you ever get you ever go on the fucking thing on an app on your iPhone and look in the traffic yeah and they're telling you they scare the shit out of your car and then you get to the 405 when they knock it's empty I hate that bro just go for the same thing happens in life that's why I don't listen to fucking people it's like going

home and sitting around your family and one day having the most brilliant fucking epiphany of your life like you know what I don't want to work at the law office no more as a clerk I want to silk screen shirts like you know and your whole family turns on you you know like they're like what are you fucking crazy you want to be a loser what do you want to be a hippie it's the same thing with the fucking news in the morning when I come on in here in the morning listen I'm not the best-looking guy leaves no fucking model for man magazine when I help me as playing bongos barefoot singing about positivity or whatever but

at least I'm trying to take you halfway there I'm giving you two things I'm showing you that a I'm broke too me and fucking leave we're fighting for our wives here and we're trying to make the best of what we got we're smoking dope you know one fucking joint ain't gonna kill you but we're talking with listen to music we're talking about Tony Bennett shit in the shower you know we're sending you out there going Jesus Christ you know I got a look I got I got a shot if fucking Joey Diaz was a sack of shit got a shot I got a fucking shot it's funny cuz the other day some kid keeps harranting me that me and my

friend we we think that your background we heard you made it up why would somebody make up being a loser that's a good point what if you're gonna make a story up you're gonna make a story about being on yachts in Miami with drug dealers and Tony Montana 10 chicks I've never talked about that shit I've always told you about I was I was trying I'm trying to write this book Lee and I read in this Steven Spielberg book that when you don't want to write about a subject you should really write about it because maybe you don't want to talk about it you know not I don't even know I'm not fucking no smart guy but maybe

you don't want to talk about it underneath or something like that so I was writing about my demise in 83 84 okay when I went on a six-month loser time like all I wanted was $5,000 Lee so I get my life together you know many times I had $5,000 that year 20,000 times I would snort it put it in my nose and then for a week I would cry and how I need a break nobody loves me the world's against me what are you talking about Joey what the fuck are you talking I think back about it now yeah I was thinking about that the other day someone actually asked me like do you I don't regret the right word but you've

done a lot of acting and comedy if do you ever think it like if you hadn't done the coke like you'd probably be living in the hills and stuff like that do you know think about that yeah I mean there's no real life I had a path to me that I had a fucking work for it and get every inch I could I'm like the Pittsburgh Steelers in 66 you know I'm saying I gotta get every inch I get on the offense we don't have the highest paid fucking offensive line we don't have the fucking best receivers our defense is the lowest paid defense in the fucking league did you know about the Pittsburgh Steelers that the lowest payroll they're

the cheapest fucking team in the NFL okay but they give you everything we got when players go up there they give you everything they got you know why guys like my man Pittsburgh J they believe Jack Lambert fucking believe that's an American you know Jack hand those motherfuckers you believe you know what you don't want to pay my money well I'm gonna give you I'm gonna show you who the fuck I am and they stayed and that's what I am I'm the guy I gotta call for fucking everything you know it was I went to Miami in 84 and I went on this fire and I went to how can you make this shit up I knew this guy and my mother

and him had grown up and my father together I knew his kids and I had gone to Miami and a friend of a friend said he was looking for me whatever want to be friends again it's the father okay and I went down to the father's house and my mother and stepfather as I was growing up always had this running joke if Muneco that was his name knocks in the door late don't let him in like one night my the like I remember my mom would always wake me up at 20 after 3 when she'd get home from work and bring me food and a couple like one night she didn't wake me up and I got up going to school like pissed off what happened to

them and I got up and my mom was passed out my dad was passed on the couch and the next day when I got home from school I called him like what happened to you guys I was like oh we let Muneco into the barn they kept us there all night I don't know what they were talking about I was too young to understand I was doing coke now in 84 and I didn't really know about paranoia after doing cocaine for a few years you go from having a great time and it takes you into a complete different world of paranoia where you lock your doors you you look out the window for hours you crawl on the floor looking for coke rocks you know it's a

complete different high and by that time you're addicted it took me probably like seven years to get to that level of cocaine of the paranoia coming in and we're doing it every day at that point like no I was just doing lots of it and it went from having a good time and watching TV and and eating some chicks ass and just telling stories to crawling around the room and the chicks waiting there to feed a fucker and you don't want to fuck because there's cops watching you it's a horrible experience yeah it doesn't sound fun no it's a horrible experience and then you hide the cocaine or dump it you know it's just a

horrible fucking experience so I was in Miami I was 21 years old I was trying to get my life in order and this guy's a millionaire and my friend says he's looking for me I go down there he owns a furniture chain but he's really a drug deal I had always known him as a drug dealer growing up I knew his I knew his sons I knew a lot of fucking people he was around he wasn't like a heavy guy and we're over his house and his son's with us his wife's in the house but she's on the other side to give his house is fucking huge and which is chilling right we're just chilling out and honestly he goes you want to get high

I'll never forget this Lee I was 21 I was my nose is wide open you know I was looking to get in trouble I was dying to be a coke dealer I wanted to be a fucking kingpin and I'm at this guy's house and we're talking about him giving me ounces of coke to take up to New York and me starting to sell coke and how we grew up together and he knew my father and my mother and my mother would be heart broken but if this is what I want to do and then all of a sudden he goes listen you want to get high so here's this 50 year old guy me and his son and we're starting to get high and all of a sudden the dad leaves for like 20 minutes and

the son looks at me goes well it looks like it's that time of the night you know I'm going to bed he goes you deal with him I'm like what what are you telling me father comes back with a margarine tub like he bought from Costco this is 1984 they used to have this margarine tubs that were pretty big he took the little outfit and he took all the margin out this is was his own personal thing he had done it before it was filled with water he had a dish in there and he had cocaine in there and he would walk around the house with a gun and his box of shorts and flippers on right and he just walked around the house so

there I am watching TV listen to fucking music and it's like we started snorting like a nine and it's about midnight and this guy comes in with like a white beater with the box of shorts the 45 or the 38 whatever he had this tub of margarine with a floating dish of water in it so if the cops come he could take the dish and dump the cocaine in the water and dump the water it's crazy guys I'm sitting there going what that this is like how that scene of boogie nights so he sits down meanwhile he's got another fucking like baggy that he's walking around with and he's dumping that we're doing it and he would leave

the coke and get up to do a search around the house and I would take coke rocks from him like little coke rocks so here I am stealing his coke we're doing it you know he's walking around naked whatever not naked but with the box of shorts with the gun in his hand and he snort the line and he would point the gun at you while he was snorting you know he'd go okay and you like move the line you like Jesus fucking Christ I mean this was always thinking about that that would petrify me you have no ideally so you know and here I am you know I've never even talked about this shit cuz this shit comes out as I'm writing I'm

like oh my god and finally like five six in the morning after his wife tries to calm down because he wakes everybody up he wakes everybody up he's in your room all night looking under beds and in closets it was fucking a nightmare he would come in and like be scared of me and he'd look under my couch you can't fit a human under the couch so finally I'm in the one room I'm in the same in the same room and he's somewhere and also I have BAM the fucking gun goes off and he shoots himself now listen I don't know about your house or my house or somebody where you people live in a normal house when somebody shoots

themselves right the gun goes off people come up nobody got up he's like I go into the fall heat that you can see the sunlight putting his pants on like that he fucking shoot himself and I'm like dog quality M is like no no no we got a doctor up the road he goes he's shot himself like four times the last five years look at his feet I didn't even I didn't even notice it so I'm like what do you want me to do no like listen we'll give you like a couple hundred just go to hotel down the road and come back in two days there's how crazy it was like what do you tell these fucking stories and I remember being so happy because I

checked into like a 3999 hotel and they had given me like 300 cash and I had like eight grams of coke and to me that was everything I ever needed in my life I got that feeling and I remember it being in that room that like it was a Sunday night and going into Monday morning I remember being awake at like eight in the morning thinking about what was my next fucking move in life here I am snorting coke like a case of beer and this guy just shot himself and that's my fucking life you can't make that shit up I forgot all about that shit and I never heard from him again or the family or nothing of course now but that

see for someone who hasn't done it like to me if I like if I ever did that like it let's say you came over we smoked weed for the friend and you were walking around with a gun I wouldn't want to smoke weed again not me neither but that's what I'm saying so I don't even like people around me with guns when I see cops I get fucking nervous but the fact but like you did coke again after that so yeah oh for 25 fucking years that's what I'm saying like if I was doing coke and I saw someone on coke fucking walk around shooting themselves I'd be like all right that's something not to do or the addiction is just so bad you're

like well fuck it hey listen everybody who has been addicted on anything whether it's pills you know what catches us is when we catch ourselves doing the weirdest fucking things you know could be from sleeping around for women to stealing money to supply you know you know when you're fucking up with the blow you know I mean I got locked up and still didn't stop snorting I mean you have to want to do it on your own whether it's pills the weed the booze you're gonna have to do it you know you can only kick yourself in the ass that many times you know and after I saw that years later is when I went into that paranoia fucking mode

okay that went on that started in 87 and it didn't go away till 2005 when I stopped doing blow it never went away I could I could do it I could do blow for an hour or two alcohol and drink with it once I got into my head it was all over I was walking from curtain to curtain I'd have to do it all in one shot because I didn't want the cops to come over me have it at the house it was fucking amazing that's how you kill yourself you do it all you know you do the whole fucking back yeah so I'm fucking lucky I'm a little music let's lighten this motherfucker up before the fucking first call all right what's going on Lee oh

shit little Peter Gabriel in the fucking house Lee you're gonna smoke some of this you can leave me here like an orphan with redhead I've been smoking we had you on fire already be careful it's Monday morning get up motherfuckers it's a beautiful day to be alive blast at Lee he kicked the habit to shut my skin oh shit this is the new stuff don't leave hit it's Uncle Joe little wiggle pop come on oh shit it's Monday cops up and watch that pussy they mean business out there play they fucking around show for me show for you what you fucking nuts I'm way too high for this music video

all the videos amazing stop motion with him and like eight black women and just running around with a TV it's fucking weird this song about me listen to this motherfucker say Peter Gabriel used to be a band called Genesis okay and when he left fucking Peter Gabriel to our not Peter Gabriel whatever his name is you know the guy that sings Phil Collins I can in the answer I took over and then Phil Collins went solo but these motherfuckers were savages if you don't know nothing about early Genesis or even Genesis with Phil Collins I put it on and the new

Pepsi generation don't dig it and I understand you to me it's like putting fucking do-wop on I don't know what they're talking about either but you listen to fucking Genesis the early Genesis with Peter Gabriel and you're gonna hear some shit that you hear today and you go oh that's where they fucking got it that's right cocksuckers because that's how we're doing it here dropping on you motherfuckers on a beautiful Monday morning what time is at least I let me give a shout out to these to these fucking savages today always to my man in Chicago Mikey Kern crystal legal career Jacob Valdez

Rhino 87 Brian Grassman Anthony Paro Andrew Zimmerman and GZ looking good like a motherfucker that's God Connecticut I'm doing your podcast this week tank satchas I'm also doing Mitch Nutter's podcast this week oh great hiding from my motherfucking wife in the basement Mitch Nutter's a soldier he had me worried you know Mitch Nutter's fucking crazy what do you do he's just a crazy fuck when I seen him in Chicago I could tell Mitch Nutter shot a couple motherfuckers he knows that the bodies are buried you follow me he gives you that look you know some people give you a look and you know that look it's as good

as a fucking nod to a blind savage Lee Lee I'm going to Columbus Ohio this week I'm a bit freeze my ass off but I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck you understand me do you like Columbus I love Ohio I'm gonna fucking remember I grew up a Cincinnati motherfucking red fan with Pete Rose you see Pete Rose got a reality show you married that Chinese woman dog let me tell you something I'm sorry Cincinnati I'm fucking sorry listen I don't even mind the gambling I wasn't pissed at because of the gambling the Hall of Fame is great but fuck it we all know the damage Pete Rose did the Hall of Fame is just you know whatever

Pete Rose was a bad motherfucking kids and if you don't think so you go on YouTube and you watch listen the other watch the great I was watching Law and Order and some dude came in with a Spanish cop you know the main guy the white dude came in with the Spanish guy Benjamin Brett okay and the fucking the Italian guy the Jew behind the counter is like I don't like spics in my fucking place I nearly lost it Benjamin Brett looked at him like what you say he goes I think you're all worth it's accepted Roberto Clemente for a prejudice person to like discount the whole race and just just for a baseball and you know what trust me

there's a lot of people who think that way but uh Roberto Clemente was a bad motherfucking but Pete Rose got a reality show it killed me it fucking killed me but listen you must not be able to make money anymore when I used to beat work on the sports betting service my number one action was people from Ohio and people from Mississippi Mississippi it's amazing how much fucking people and those are the people I sold action to and those are the people that last I had a high school football coach from somewhere in fucking the sticks in Ohio that this guy was betting fucking fifty thousand a game him sending me like two

hundred thousand dollars in six months he was bet he's a high school football coach amazing those people know how to fucking party in Ohio I've never had a problem with Ohio people I've been to Ohio State game 20 years ago to see the really good running back I mean I'm excited I don't give a fuck about the cold weather I got reefer waiting for me I know people coming up from Kentucky and people coming up from Michigan bringing fucking pounds and shit oh shit oh this will be more fucking reefer in Columbus on Friday and Saturday you've seen in years stoner shirts deadheads I don't give a fuck come on

put the patchouli juice on that fucking pussy ladies there will be some studs there I'm not even talking about me I got no I'm done I'm done I'm done with fucking sex after this situation with the kid are you gonna get a vasectomy no I'm just done who needs a vasectomy bro I barely got a fucking pregnant trust me that will never happen again with all those sperm cells come together like that there's a last hurrah I was the last fucking hurrah my sperm will never get together that was the luckiest day my sperm sack ever seen it's life Jesus fucking life I'm gonna drink

Jagermeister what's the what's the alcohol with the gold bits in it gold slugger go into they still make that I don't know I haven't seen it me neither I never yeah I think one's gold when it's cinnamon I don't like it though it's cinnamon flavored it wasn't I got fucked up on go shlugger sometimes but I mean gold is like 800 right how much is golden ounce nuts gotta be up must be up there top there so it's gotta be got somebody calling in what's the story brother you know me trying to put the fucking pieces together Monday morning how's the weather all by you watch no one right now heavy or light right right

now that's the fucking East Coast brother January February is misery you're going into the misery season now I know it's very like everyone hibernates down here by the shore like dead down here completely how are the bars I don't know I can't I don't even go to the bars to be honest I stay away from that but when you drive by at night do you see people hanging out and that yeah it's very little you know there's like a lot of Goga bars around here and sometimes like on Fridays if you try to buy there's some but not not much just be honest with you on the line is on the line is my man Gary bow we had him on a couple weeks

ago when he was freshly released from the print pen attention we have known Gary since he was a young man a lot of guys emailed me and want to have Gary back on the show to see how you were doing how you were coming along what's been going on taking it slow cocoa to be honest with you everything you are still new to me it don't happen overnight you know working part-time but then a throat got cut with that you know it's a lot of hating a lot of greed laying in position to our calling the shots at the moment you know it's just the way it goes around here it's a dirty game I know it you know I ain't

hating I'm new to the fields right now coming out all this year and trying to step on other people's toes I gotta work with what I got in the meantime our last thing I want is a beef right now no no at least you're out there man how long were you locked up for again Gary 21 years Jesus fucking Christ so yeah you got something coming to you and you just got to keep your head on tight and you sound great still like I told you yesterday you sound dynamic on the fucking phone yeah I appreciate that you know I gotta stay positive for my own sanity you know it ain't easy I'm not gonna lie cocoa I you know I have my

bad days a lot you know it's like you know am I gonna make it out here my setup to fail I don't know you know it always crosses my mind you know you know after the last time I'm sorry good no you know how am I gonna provide and stuff and I don't want to leech off people you know they're only gonna give you so many handouts and you gotta earn your own way in this world just need a little bit of a door open for me let me explain something to you when I got locked up the thing that saved me was that the last sentence from the judge or the probation how you got to go to a probation office and she makes her

review of what's gonna happen she wrote that that if they threw me in jail the case of recidivism recidivism would be low which means that the number the number you know percentage of me going back would be low if they taught me a lesson for having a machine gun after we had our conversation I went online and tried to find statistics on people that have gone to prison and the percentages after years remember after four or five years Gary a lot of guys just say fuck it this is my life these even if they let me out what am I gonna do on the ounce so I checked it from that way from the FBI numbers and stuff

like that Gary every day that you stay out after 21 years you have no idea how you're overcoming the odds every fucking day they say yeah yeah you know I haven't even been out three months go go you know and they say you know you stay out of union the odds of going back and swim I tell you man I'm not trying to go back I'm not gonna be on fire I do sound I'm going all the way if I am at this again and I won't let them take me alive to be honest I'm gonna be straight forward like these are going all the way they can blast me I ain't going back and that's the truth of the matter I do something I know the

consequences you know I die I died is what it is at least you know I went for what I believe there but uh you know I don't want to go to that point I know but if I did I'd go all the way but you know what I don't want you to go back and I don't want to have this conversation because I love you and I believe in my heart you're gonna stay out and you're gonna do fucking good things it's just listen it's tough for the common fucking white guy that goes to college and pays taxes today the cop listen for and I'm not being prejudiced here I'm sorry if the conversation offends some people the

fucking white guy that had his mom her name is Mary and the father's name is Chuck and they both went to the school fucking barbecue and they lived their life to the fullest if you went to if you go to college today and you come out and you're a white kid in this country it's fucking tough out there for you can you imagine a white kid 40 years old after being locked up for 20 years so you can't give up we got to make a point together you can't give up Gary I had the odds against me I had no family I had no reason to live because when you have no family you really have nobody to fucking live for you have nobody to

impress you have nobody to fucking get a pat in the back or hug from and you know Gary I want to at one point I want to stay out for me to prove a point to North Bergen to prove a point to those dickheads because you know those dickheads once they get this the half of North Bergen is like us were bad motherfuckers and we're camaraderie motherfuckers but the other side sold their fucking life for a political job or whatever the fuck they're doing and they'll twit you know if they get busted they're turning on everybody a fucking Harpo's and everybody and you know that so what I robbed some fucking houses or whatever

is it getting some drug dealers I got out of there I got out of there and I'm not a millionaire and I'm not on TV but that doesn't make a man just that we're still walking and fucking moving around that's what makes a fucking man Gary and you're halfway there so the criminal aspect of this we're gonna do what we can to keep you to fuck out where do you live Gary I'm staying down in Kingsburg New Jersey now you know with my brother and my mom down here if anybody's listening to this podcast from down in South Jersey especially close to Kingsburg that has a job for Gary fucking going out 40 hours a week picking

up park benches whatever collecting whatever the fuck you got hit me up on fucking Twitter will make you the star of a goddamn week and and this kid's not looking for a hand I usually looking for a job to get him on his fucking way I know where I know what the feelings like I know what the feeling like Gary Gary even if I had 20,000 miles and sent it to you you wouldn't feel good you know saying that like it's a hand out of scrub you know you gotta earn your own way you know I just need a little bit of a door to be open you know you're an intelligent guy you know I'm gonna look around and see what the fuck's going on

down there because my buddy the one who's gonna call he just did I don't know if you remember West New York and like 80 and like 88 maybe 90 this guy from West New York got caught throwing coke bales out of a fucking plane and they caught him and they played the video on ABC News and they spoke about in the Joe Rogan podcast and he got out after 20 years and he's living in Newark and he told me that it took him like six months to get a job but he finally went to an interview and he just broke down to a lady and told her the truth and he had been locked up and he wanted a second chance and he's working at the hospital

he's like a union fucking janitor but you know what he's making 17 16 an hour something and Gary that ain't nothing to fucking shy from now you know I'd be more they can tell with anything to be honest with you yeah a little insurance a little whatever you fucking twist some nuts you clean the toilet but you know Gary you ain't carrying a gun and nothing and no man's kicking your better five in the morning telling you to wake the fuck up and that's the most important thing is I hated that shit I hated being subjected at all that shit like even when I got sick last week and you know I'm trying to go to community

house and they tell me to go there I go there they're like oh we can't help you listen I said listen I just came home you know I had an infection in my lungs I have asthma out of the flu you know the high fever and they're like we can't help you like how can you not help me you know you're supposed to help me she's like well we can't help you so you know I had to go to a freaking hospital at least they helped me and they showed down here they helped me real good and I'll took care of me gave me the prescription for for my asthma for prednisone and gave me antibiotics to get the infection out so I was walking

around with it for over a week and no one wanted to help no medical facility around and I'm just waiting on that the hospital took care of me and yeah it's messed up you know cuz I can't help it I'm still you know stay copied on federal property you know technically you I belong to them so you supposed to take care of me and ain't like they ain't gonna not write you a check to take care of them they'll fucking amazing like that but you're good man you sound fucking good and you know Gary it's so weird how you're 40 you're 41 and 43 now 43 and I gotta tell you man you got the world by the balls and you don't even know it

because you got the bad part of your life out of the way the good parts about the common you live to 60 you're gonna have 27 good years of a good life when it matters because you give a fuck when you're a kid you're a fucking idiot anyway I wasn't there when I was a kid I was a fucking moron anyway like the rest of us that are going Lee wake up cocksucker the flying Jew I get up a little high he's over there not not being shit looking at me with open eyes you get some sleep last night no but I'm looking at you got any questions with my little brother here no that's how I'm glad he's doing better from him fuck

you know you know you got that's it you got the bad part of your life out of fucking way it could only be good after this it's only up to you you can't go back you know and yeah I don't want it was back man I don't want it and really don't tell you man ain't let me take back fuck that being subjects like that although she is 21 whatever it is although freaking out pedophiles and child molesters go home left and right that's what makes you better you know and they get like more opportunities than the average guy coming home that makes me better I'm not gonna lie I see it all the time

does house are any roles going on with you over there yeah I got a movie I'm gonna shoot New Orleans starting in March it's a movie called a grudge match with Kevin Hart and DeNiro and a bunch of people but besides that cool cool yeah it's been quiet man it's been quiet and I've been working on my stand-up I start traveling this week and the kids good and the the wife's good and they're all healthy you know you know where I came from bro you knew you saw me at 21 I was a fucking mess so right now I'm dealing with my wife and I see this kid and I think of my life and oh my god it's it's like every sin I had got

taken away like that's what this kid did for me but not really but it's two different worlds I'm walking around like a fucking dream because I've never had this utopia you know hey how did you get into the all trying to get into the acting shit how did I how did I get into it yeah yeah how did all you know you get in you know I you know get right out through that you know see what I can do if I told you how I got in it was luck but it was my effort like I never thought about being an actor I'm like you I used to go to the Union City cinema and watch Charles Bronson movies and go to Seacork and some watch movies and giggle

I used to go down remember this we used to go to the showboat and to the Mayfair TV for the showboat still there yeah the Bigginton still there I remember going down there sucking some pussy and there was rats under the fucking car rapping down there and shit and my Ferney basuto had a hole in his nova and the rats were climbing to his fucking nova guy while he was down there getting there was disgusting down there and then you had the Mayfair TV that's why I seen Carrie for the first time I seen American Jiggle on that motherfucker I seen I seen a couple movies up there but you know Gary I Gary it was like I

was it was lucky I came out here starving I started doing stand-up to stand and also I got a manager who said I got to turn you into an actor and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about I took performing arts in North Bergenheim my freshman year intro and that was it that was it I never took no other fucking classes so I didn't get an agent stuff you know what when you're a comic it makes it a lot easier than just walking you know when you're a comic and you're 30 remember I looked like I was 50 when I was 20 you know when I was you know I look at my baby everybody keeps looking at my baby going

that baby looks a lot older yeah cuz she's my fucking kids you already looks like she's two months fucking old you know I looked over my my soul was fucking old from day one so I was 30 something I came out here and you know no agency coming off nothing no money and a manager picked me up and he submitted me for a couple roles and I got in there and I booked a movie called Baseball that's the first time I ever worked I didn't know what cut was I didn't even know what action was or cut or they were talking about standing on your lines and hitting your lines I knew nothing Gary and the next thing you know I was in the

fucking Screen Actors Guild you know I've been in the Screen Actors Guild now Gary for 15 fucking years you know how many unions I paid to get into when I lived in North Bergen I'm still in the Longshoreman's Union I'm in the bartending's Union I'm in the Electricians Union in Colorado I'm in more fucking unions in the Union Jimmy Hoffa but the only unit that I earned was this shit and you know what man I don't know where you're living or whatever I could turn you on to it let me tell you something man if I sell a book I got on a TV show Gary the first person I'm fucking sending money to and helping out as you I want you out

here with me because together we could write a fucking story that would make these fuck Brad Pitt and fuck all these dumb ass fucking movies you and I could put the guy I lived it I lived that point break lifestyle straight up point break lifestyle Jesus Christ I couldn't even imagine a fucking bank and ten times more intense oh my god I couldn't imagine robbing a fucking bank with a weapon and with what a thrill to take over this man tell you I got off on I'm not gonna lie man that was just all I knew was what to do it's like this kind of thing that I can't see and know how to penetrate and take down if I wanted

to you know and I just got blocked those thoughts out you know I got enough because you know you can do you gotta go all the way you know I see all the stuff I see the armored cars and you know how would you see all their weak points I know everything to penetrate it's it's ridiculous and I could put it on the script if I really wanted to know how to really do it it's amazing when you see a place and you could break down the security of it and you know exactly how we'd get into it like I look at places now and I go I pity you motherfuckers 30 years ago I would have robbed you motherfuckers blind just by

your setup I could walk into a place and know just by I see people walk away I see so many holes in their games you know for years I'm I was the greasiest thief I used to go to Fort Lee guy with a suit on and I would go into office building and rob purses and little bank accounts that people would have in their offices I'd make three four thousand a day in a building on one fucking floor and they wouldn't even know you know many times I walked into an office and the receptionist would go to the fucking bathroom and leave the secure the deposit bag on the fucking office table you know many times I found the boxes

yeah you know many fucking times I found three thousand dollars and envelope on top of an office just walking in and as I'm walking out the ladies come up to me going what were you doing I'm looking for Henry wrong office and I leave run out of the fucking building I saw the thousand times a fucking idiot can't make a living today well today you got cameras everywhere that's the problem that's a difference Gary yeah those are things you know gotta be penetrated yeah I saw that stuff I that's first thing you do is your recon let me tell you some the first thing when you skateboard everything oh my god the first thing I

tell you what petrifies me there's nothing that scares me more when I see one of those trucks one of those bank trucks I can petrify Lee petrified I fucking avoid those things like to play why because I know somebody's looking at it to shoot that motherfucking thing because if you think like me if you're a real old-school Jew and you're driving and you see a fucking army car first thing you think about is that could be my lucky day or that could be my own lucky day you know you ever hear the story that door opens up and a bunch of hundred dollar bills come out of those things you read about those stories that

by mistake that's the last thing I want to be you know I'm saying let's a big envelope flies out I'll fucking grab that thing but trust me within three fucking days oh yeah the feds will have a satellite somewhere in the area they will be in your house within three days that's when you'll find that how they are watching you absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely yeah they got all that latest technology probably in every bag now it's back in the vice they know that but you gotta know they gotta activate their first GPS and that takes a whole hour for them to go through it they need the bank president to punch

in the code you know so by then you can be long gone and get rid of everything that's how they have already I never I never even thought ever once I heard that you had stuck in the wire into the Knights of security thing and went to Hawaii that time I always thought about that like that was fucking genius that you just went and that's how simple it was and my line you took a fishing wire and put it down a night security thing and took out how much out of that motherfucker well it was thousands at that time easily that's amazing that somebody be that fucking on everything could be penetrated there's a solution to every

problem and there's an answer to every question whatever no matter how safe you think it is it can always be penetrated and that's a fact anything any security system anything you just gotta look analyze it you might not get it right away but you will eventually you'll see its weak points that's in anything in life remember who was that drug dealer that everybody was trying to rob in North Bergen didn't you get this suitcase one time he put it by the fucking window show that fucking guys on Facebook that cocksucker the Hawaiian sheep a sheepdog he was making a lot of fucking money when we were kids he was

he was yeah he always did he always did his hustle he always knew how to make money but he wasn't don't like that you know like it wasn't worthy you know if you're gonna do your thing you could have a strong for a lounger because you be pushed up on real quick and you know you're gonna pay a tax and that's a fact let's see if you got no packing that's that I'm sure he never did pay a tax that guy yeah somebody never taxed him at all and he was like a little fucking pussy he was part of that hash way grew up there they thought they were cute and they would giggle and they will remember him and he had the buddy with the glasses

that they would thought they were cute because they were doing something with cars with the registrations the guy ended up on veneria bunch of money I forget what his fucking name was I couldn't stand those fuckers no I love venerian that's my idea what's that that's the word on the street that our little brother venerian and that's listen when I left North Bergen I left because I thought they would be the mayor in 10 years and once when he becomes man I stopped doing counting that become his driver for a year that's what nobody knows once vener becomes man I got that job locked up already I told him

this that I will fucking go on the New York Times bestseller writing a story about that cock sucking we used to do when we were kids so it seems vener becomes an athlete vener becomes mayor North Bergen guys I'm done with podcasting and traveling doing these fucking stupid jokes you motherfuckers are on your own you better get it together because if he does become man because they're gonna yank sack a lot of that you know I paid my fucking dues people don't even look at me we're like you're gonna jump on a bandwagon fuck you I hung with that motherfucker since he was 15 so he was about 25 and I had my hands full with

fucking veneria as a kid and I loved him he took care of me he fucking took care of me but I had my hands full I always like him I always like him he's always a good kid always fucking I would be so proud if he became mayor in North Bergen just because between you and me you know what he's a funny he called me a night from Rudy's he was at Rudy's eating dinner he just called me out of the fucking blue he's like what's going on I'm over here there's a Spanish fucking waitress and why do you say eat her pussy in Spanish or whatever he's a I love Anthony a lot man I love you too man I'm happy that you're out I'm happy

that we got a chance to talk and that you call who would have known when I was getting off the plane with those guns that 30 years later you and I would be doing a podcast in Los Angeles California brother hey things have a way of working themselves out you know for the better and that's how you gotta look at it and uh you know those days you know a lot of those days were real good days you know it's just the bad part was going down eventually but I can't say that I didn't enjoy those days they were adventurous they were exciting was the risk I actually enjoyed I'm not gonna lie in front it was the thrill I was

getting over so I loved it it's so much fun to wake up a rush you know it can't be explained it's only be experienced how it felt I can't remember robbing a house down by five corners remember five corners down there yeah absolutely I remember that there was little projects there those little projects across from there was like a bank there there was a lot of shit happened in five corners I took a lead on the five corners Charlie Gizzie and his brother killed somebody down there but there was those little projects there since I was a kid and Patrick DeLorenzo used to live over there he was the first big coke dealer he

used to sell the Krug's and all those fucking people and oh my god I went to I snored a coke in 20 of those little fucking project departments when I was I remember I would tell people a night before like pick me up tomorrow nine o'clock we're gonna go rob a house and they would take me there you know they would pick me up and I'd be with my back against the wall so I'm gonna go and down there one time to rob a fucking house oh my god that place down there and I remember getting back in the car and thinking or feeling my heart beating if you're gonna rock like before when you do something bad if you watch the

Godfather this is why I love the Godfather so much because right before Michael is about to shoot so lot so you hear the train you hear a train and you hear those screeches that's what you hear when you're before you do something bad Gary you go fucking deaf you're adrenaline your dick gets so hard that you go fucking deaf that the blood leaves your head and goes to your cock when you do something bad whether it's putting a gun to somebody's head and telling them to shut the fuck up this is your fucking room cock sucker or just you know or shit on the fucking floor or put those fucking handcuffs on mother

fucking give me put the fucking blow on the table or even remember you just drive me to the airport me getting on a plane with 12 ounces of blow used to get my dick so hard explain to these people that angle of it's like for me now I have comedy that gets my dick hard and coming on the show with Lee and yelling and screaming do you remember how hard your dick would get before you did something bad yeah you know it's you just want to do it you want to get it over because you got the knots in your stomach you just want to fit so it's like a mission you know yet the military doing a special forces mission it's an

objective you got to reach it and you got to accomplish it and once you accomplish it there's no greater feeling in the world you know it's a it's a rush you really can't explain you really got to experience fishing when you when I was doing the heist and stuff and counting all the money and go to a safe house and count up all the dough and split it there's no greater high because you plan it and you know anybody can plan something out anybody but if you don't have the heart to do it the senseless you know you got to have the courage to do it don't fucking all right brave oh you know I miss you know I don't yeah I

miss that shit but I don't I'm gonna give you a call when I get home I love your brother thank you for calling in today and we're happy that you're doing great and yet we're happy that you still got that fucking fire in your heart now you just got to flip it apart and figure out what the fuck you want to do man figure out what you want to do Gary and get back to me please figure out what you really want to do absolutely though I love you Coco I love you too man have a great day and a great fucking week and I'll call you when I get home and I want you to really figure out what you want to do we'll put something together

man all right actually probably you take care all right I love you man stay black stay white bye what's up cock sucker nothing fucking no it's uh it blows my mind because it's the furthest thing from my world oh it is and it's the furthest thing from other people's world and that's why I put the kid on the podcast because your life could change that fast like that kid when he was around at 14 with those weapons me bringing weapons to his brother's house and all that shit he should have fucking pulled up on a school but he never did he became a fucking bank robber so I mean I don't fucking know I

don't know what I just love him and I want him to stay and I keep him come calling me just to let you guys know we're gonna fucking keep this kid out that's it that's just the decision I made and I hope you're right with it cock sucker I love you Lee you're a good man no no it's um and it's it's hard because when you when stuff when you talk like that it's it scares me and it doesn't but I don't want to come off like when I ask questions I don't want to come off like I'm judging because I'm not it's just it's like it's almost like a different language because like I've stolen things from stores and stuff but

talking about a dick getting hard cuz you're gonna go rob about a drug dealer I'm like oh Jesus I was sitting at home and I was I was playing poker with friends I was fucking I just watching cartoons and it's like a toy it's like a different language I'm proud of but at that time what was I gonna do I remember like I remember being bad going to Colorado getting my half halfway together my life halfway together you know getting back going to prison getting married starting comedy trying to get my daughter back and I was in that cusp in that mine cusp I'm gonna be a comedian I gotta keep a day job for a

while and then I went back to New York to get my mind back in my heart and my balls after the divorce I was lost and I went back and I hooked up with my friend raga raga was a 24-hour hustler like me mm-hmm and I got a job and I remember getting the car going to do shit with him and feeling like what the fuck am I doing but in the back of my heart I always was I always felt like I was a piece of shit anyway I had no self-confidence I had nothing so I don't know and I'm happy I got comedy I happy I'm happy I got something else to take me off that because I was still a criminal with comedy up to like 98 and

99 I was still getting trouble I was still doing fucked up things but the comedy store had straightened me out but yeah it leads to to to get in the car and knowing that you're gonna go fucking put a gun out or kick a door down it's you know I think of my open my career I used to another thing that people don't know about me in New York up in Harlem and shit like that up in 178 in all those areas in the in the early 90s or whatever I found that from a junkie friend of mine that if you stay so they bought aspirins and they bought yeast infection medication and they paid top dollar for it in Harlem so if you ever

got bumped into a cases that you robbed the truck and had medical stuff like that that you buy the pharmacy that all those pharmacies in 178th Street bought yeast medication and aspirins Tylenol Tylenol PM they couldn't just buy it from a distributor they did but they rather buy if you had it hot it's like if I come to you right now with a fucking Apple computer I go every month I got Apple's dog the 800 new I got them for four you're gonna buy it from me okay okay so especially if you're a wholesaler or retailer so I used to go to fucking Fort Lee dressed in a suit when I sold cars and I was a comedian my

first open mics were like at stand-up New York and New York comedy club and the downtown comedy club this is 90 fucking three guys you know and I'd see Chappelle on stage and Nick Nick Topalo and Felicia Michaels and but in the daytime I would wake up I live with George and I would wake up and I had a bag a black suitcase that looked like I was a businessman I was no businessman I go into Fort Lee they had a into that more like walk like a mile with hunger no breakfast no fucking lunch it was toothpaste and fucking listerine that's it and I put my suit on I'd walk you know whatever it was three quarters of

a mile to Fort Lee I'd go into that whatever that supermarket was they had great lobster bitch soup on Friday and then the security wouldn't come on to like eight it'd be like 6 30 and I would go to the things and on top they would have the full cases of the aspen and that yeast infection medication and I would put cases in the suitcase and I would have like 60 cents for a coffee and I'd buy a coffee and walk out with you know and I'd walk over the George Washington Bridge into 178 when the people were opening and I'd sell them this and get like 50 fucking dollars 50 fucking dollars and I'd go buy a 20

dollar bag of weed and I'd eat a good breakfast and I'd go sell cars and then I would fucking go sell cars like nine o'clock I joined a boxing gym on 42nd Street was like on 48th Street in Broadway with I had a locker for next to five dollars you got a lock and I would put jeans in there that smelled like rotten ass and walking around the city and a t-shirt and I would switch my suit into a t-shirt and then take that clothes and take a bus or a train to go do comedy and then at the end of the night I would come back to the boxing gym go back into a suit go into Fort Lee, New Jersey wash my shirt before I go to bed

and snorkele three in the morning sleep three hours and then do the same thing all fucking over again I think that's why the people and other people have said like oh you you're making up your background it's cuz these kids have spent their like they're on Twitter and they've only done it in Grand Theft Auto just like that like that just sounds terrible to me it's a terrible living it I'm not a shamp I'm not fucking embarrassed by it I had to do it the whole but member will kept me alive comedy do you follow me the threat of this was that comedy was keeping me alive I knew that that would stop because I

knew that the more I got on stage the funnier I would get and it took fucking 20 years but my point was correct it took three or four years to get off the crime but at my point was correct the comedy fueled me you know sometimes you're doing a job and you you you're putting a toilet and you're fucking unhooking the toilet and you could smell people's piss and whatever and as you move in the fucking toilet you think to yourself I really want to quit but what else would I do but if you did comedy or if you're an editor or if you had a dream taking that toilet would be a lot easier because you know that the end was

coming the end is coming I don't have to do this shit no more you know so that's the differences that towards the end I knew that the more I got on stage the funny I would get but that's the price I paid me you know I had a fucking job making at that time I had to come up with child support and to fucking rents oh yeah for your wife and okay I was coming up with boldest rent no no where I was living plus I was helping George's grandma plus I was snorting my addiction and I was delivered you know I always had a fucking angle like on Saturdays like if I had a day off in those days and I was a con I was 30

something years old if I had the fucking day off I would work at hashways and and fucking deliver sandwiches or do catering for that motherfucker for no money you know so I know the price it pays this wasn't just fucking easy but I knew that no matter what I did I know a lot of people stuck in their fucking jobs today and they're like oh this job sucks I wish I was in California smoking dope you know what this job I can make it easier for you by having a fucking dream that's the only way I can make that easier by knowing that this I'm not gonna be doing this when I'm fucking 50 when I'm 29 or when

I'm 38 or when I'm 45 I'm gonna be in Michigan or in Chicago doing comedy and then a year later I'm gonna be in fucking California that that's all I know that's how I fucking measured this you know that this is gonna end some day and the shit you can't plan for like my daughter you can't plan for that shit what's going on cocksucker get the reefer ready it's Monday morning a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive here in Los Angeles is windy I don't have much on the agenda today what do you got going on Lee you said just work I totally I was bringing open and no more banana Bradley oh I got oh fuck on

Wednesday we ate it and I took two small pieces and I got to work about an hour after the podcast ended and I was stoned like I just sat in my office and did it for the first few hours I couldn't even do anything I was petrified and in my head I was like all right if I get there because I got to work early and I sat in my car in the garage and I fell asleep in my car and I was like if I get upstairs I'll go into my office and I'll just rule I'll be fine of course I use an office that an editor uses and I have to wait till they leave to go in so I got there of course that's the day he took half an hour to leave so I was

standing on the hallway freaking out cuz I was stoned out of my mind just waiting for someone to leave and I was like everyone knows and I was I had when I got there I saw in my rear-view mirror that my eyes were like slits I had to go into the bathroom and splash of water on my face and and and force myself to like open my eyes and like I had to think about it like open your eyes open your eyes open your eyes open your eyes fuck I'm gonna give you a breather no more banana breath for a while maybe next week maybe next week that's quite a breather maybe next week after Columbus after the Super Bowl and shit we'll get

you back now I'm done with that shit for a while too I told you I used to get the fucking loaf bro you can't live like that you can't live like a like a shut-in I was living like a shut-in I was eating that right in for two minutes and passing out then get up I'd have to take a shower comb my hair all over again it's a fucking night Mike I can't do it I hope you motherfuckers are combing your hair washing your balls it's a big Monday it's a biggest Monday your fucking life get out there teabag somebody don't give a fuck what you got to do today make it good make it stick put some music on for me leave I gotta get some I'm two steps

ahead of you hold on got no music people supposed to be calling nobody's fucking calling you're killing me a league I'm in Columbus Friday and Saturday four shows don't play fucking games all right I don't know what the number is the number is 614-471-5653 the Columbus morning Friday and Saturday then the next Thursday the 7th I'll be at the San Jose Improb don't forget about me while I'm at it let me tell you something I got sick on fucking Wednesday you know like I got started getting sick on Tuesday morning so I went to acupuncture and she cut me and she did the anti-fluid thing then I went to the

Nerdist with all those dirty fucking hippies down there with those dirty nerds and I got some in my throat so I went home then that I blasted that's why I didn't go down to I had a work Thursday morning on the TV show Thursday night I didn't go down to the Improb because I didn't want to get even sick it was gonna rain all fucking day so I blasted some vitamin C and I took some you know what I'm gonna tell you when the fucking flu really took a deep turn I took a handful of shroom tech the immune I took a handful of those fucking things and I drank a can of fucking freshly squeezed pineapple juice that my buddy's got this

pineapple juice is delicious anyway drank that I went to bed I got up I was fine no more temperature no more nothing that fucking shroom tech that shroom tech fucking works and I should now I'm taking it every day I took two this morning fucking every day I'm taking that shit especially during the thing and that's why I started promoting I spoke to Aubrey about it I met with one of the guys from Ahmed the president of Ahmed on Friday at a hotel we talked in the afternoon he was telling me try that fucking shroom tech like two weeks ago so I'll tell you what if you're not doing nothing prepare for the flu because

another flu's coming in and they say the hand sanitizer don't work and you'll be shitting blood and coughing and turning into a fucking zombie so go on on it right now on it calm get yourself a strong bone get yourself the hemp force protein shake and get yourself the the immune or the new mood or don't get the strong bone if you're not a fat fuck like me and you're not running don't get the strong bone but get the new mood the new mood fucking works too I'll tell you what man I usually don't take a lot of shit like this I used I used to just take a like a multi vitamins like you know over the counters and then my

brother my brother Eddie Bravo turned me on to a vitamin got somebody called oh shit what's the story oh shit right here with my main man the flying Jew Lisa yet who we got on the phone who we got on the phone Stevie Simone I was shit not Stevie Simone's Philadelphia's Stevie Simone before Sylvester Stallone you know I'm saying the Simone's were there before the fucking Stallone's that's you know that's what I want to name my kid if I ever have a boy I want to name them Sylvester Simone I like that I like that tell the people who the fuck you are and what you're doing how long we've been

running together well I'm a stand-up comic and I met you back at the comedy store back in September of 2000 when did we do the dice angry bad boy tour me you Bobby Lee and Jim Norton when we do that probably right after September 11 was it after September 11th or before September 11th now it was after wow that and that's when I read and that's when we met the infamous RJ who fucking hooked us up yeah dude that guy was the greatest like straight out of a movie the best tell him about our Jane when I ventured to our James hold on a second Joe I said five alarms on my phone to

wake up for you all right I like it RJ was he was a professional gambler that was killing it in Vegas he was on the streak of the lifetime and he was kind enough to you know give me two thousand dollars like it was nothing he gave me three thousand one night or two times he gave us both two thousand then he gave us like another thousand we went to eat with him one night and we didn't have to suck his dick correct Steve Simone we'd have to lick his balls or take pictures walking off it was amazing remember he fucking not we used to we used to do the show and then he bought dice and escalate yes yep yeah he had millions of

dollars and chips on the table remember we took us he took us to a Chinese place one night and then we went to a place and a security guard came with a gun and a little fucking thing of chips and he played for like a half hour he won $60,000 he gave us all like a grand I was pissed because I couldn't get blow here I got a pocket full of money and no blow what the fuck I just couldn't believe it like I remember him letting me hold a chip I was like wow five thousand dollars and he goes look again kid and was a fifty thousand dollar chip it was crazy yeah yeah never million dollars that time in the chips he walked in like

the security guard came he had his own personal private room where he took us it was it was amazing you had both of us didn't have cars no I mean it was just another fucking dimension of life man we came back like wow you're not gonna believe this this guy gave us two grand three grand it was unbelievable it was like even now when I tell people that story they don't he could sort of tell they don't really believe it remember he paid the guy two grand just to put his name on the fucking gazebo yeah on the billboard or it's a giant billboard said Dyson RJ outside outside of the casino and then he went to war with dice he

went on stern and said dice I don't know he went on stern and said dice was a fuck I don't even remember what happened and he wanted me to go and I said no you know I love dice you know I remember one thing about that tour and the one thing I remember is how much you and I love dice I mean we fucking love Andrew we love it I was so lucky when Andrew called my house and said you want to go to Vegas and do a couple sure I mean that were to me meant more in the longest yard at the time it was everything it wasn't even about the money it was just having dice calling yet the house asking you to go on it was me you and happy face and yes

the coolest like the one thing I loved about I still love about Andrew I love the fact that uh like I grew up a big fan of comedy but you know he's like a family guy like I couldn't believe like I would memorize his comedy albums and then here I am going over to his house on a Sunday afternoon for a family barbecue back when his kids were small it was crazy I remember taking his special and playing at the halfway house New Year's Eve and people had no fucking idea and here we were hanging out with him in his sweet drinking cranberry juice listen to the stories it was just fucking mind-boggling man and you know I

remember remember he had the Sinatra suite yes it was like three levels old school Vegas that was the craziest thing in the world they're like yeah this this suite was built for Frank Sinatra I was like oh my god what am I doing here I took the bus I remember taking I remember taking the bus to Andrew's house and then a limo picking us up and driving to the airport and what that what house while I remember he had a house in Vegas at the time mm-hmm remember yeah he used to have a house in Vegas at the time that Simone you still at the store you're still making it happen we're gonna work together in Brea on February 28th

or March 2nd you're on the bill with me with the Agostino Zoila that thank you so much fun and you know like I said I've known you for a long time I haven't watched you but I hear nothing but good things I know that Dan at the Improv loves you and you're in the same limbo I had ten years ago you can headline but not enough credits to fucking headline and blah blah blah blah blah blah so we're gonna get you on the fucking board you're a you're a funny guy and a loyal badass Philly remember when you gave me the finger cookies from Philadelphia I ate those things for fucking a month I gained 18 pounds I

was cursing me some of the best Italian cookie oh my god oh my god I've known Steve Simone for a long fucking time and it was great you came by the night and we bumped into each other at the Sherman Oaks routes yeah that was fantastic that was one I can't thank you enough for that like that sense of I was that shit like that sense of family and just wanting into your like what's cooking steaks was delicious I got to see the baby I got to see Terry yeah just like that we just bumped into each other I was at Rouse my wife was like the baby if you're gonna whatever I went somewhere and I went to Rouse I go let

me go to Rouse and get the salad we didn't have the shit to make the salad we were gonna make a great arugula salad and she goes I'll go to Rouse tomorrow I'm like fucking I'll just go to Rouse at three o'clock what do I give a fuck I'm dying to do something and also somebody go oh shit as I'm walking into Rouse and that's the Jewish routes and Sherman Oaks that's where you see the Jews at the Hamakas and shit the Yamakas better and one came up to me he knew who Lee was about a week and a half ago me and my wife were in there and the guy's like man I love you and the flying Jew and he had a little Yamakan he left

came back with a camera and made the Rouse people take a picture of me and with a camera I told him you gotta look we're gonna give you a shout out so he's a little flying Jew from Sherman Oaks and shit but that's a good Rouse up there in Sherman Oaks remember the butcher helped us he told us how to marinate the steaks and everything yeah the best and you remember that really heavy guy that was telling us the steaks that he likes yeah everybody was being friendly that day we had a good time they went back to the house we marinated the steaks we watched the UFC and the baby watch the whole fucking time she didn't say a

boo she just sat there like a soldier unbelievable she's adorable how big was that joint I had outside it looked like a movie prop it didn't even look real I'm like I totally the sky gave me that joint Friday night at Flappers and with the size of a black fucking dick that's what you look like it's my big cop sectors what do you got on what are you going on Steve Simone dude I just feel like a winner waking up this early to call into your show now that I'm awake I'm gonna take this momentum but I go to the gym I'm gonna get some writing done I'm gonna swing

by the store tonight it's gonna be a good week call me at lunchtime I'll be around yeah maybe I'll make a chicken colleagues or something all right do something and maybe you could stop by the studio meet Lee and hook up with Lee and we'll fuck around over here Lee loves you to say hello cocksucker hey Steve what's up ladies are you guys to call around lunchtime all right give me a call we'll wake Lee up by that time we're gonna more fucked up another fun film motherfucking Monday or the church of what's happening now like I was telling you get some new mood you get a little what was the other one we're

talking about cocksucker shroom tech immune shroom tech and get that flu because the news the newer flu is coming go to on it dot com go to the box and when you order on the checkout press church or mad flavor I don't know which one is it's church it's church CH you are CH get to it it's Valentine's Day you can get them out and then next week we're gonna start having cherries berries on this motherfucker for all you stoners let me tell you some cherries berries comes right to your fucking house in the box this summer 12 or 13 chocolate covered fucking strawberries whatever you desire you understand me

you smoke your number you wash your pussy on the couch you throw in Sons of Anarchy season two and you sit there you scratch your fucking nuts and eat chocolate covered strawberries are better than you like when you open those you think you're gonna have water too I'm so stoned right now if I had those I would have the entire everybody on this payload and listen I think they're like three points with the chocolate so if you two of them you just got to do an extra fucking half hour cardio right nobody fucking dies here go to on it dot com go to on it today you want to have the even your chick it's

Valentine's Day she's going to yoga I got stiffness in my back I don't want to suck your dick cuz my knee hurts you give him two fucking on this it's all over there limba you can pick them up by the fucking hair everything is beautiful you understand me a little new mood for yourself with the trip to fan and all the shit in there and switch it up with the with the strong bone immune all the strong bone sport the fucking no well shroom tech I'm sorry it's a shroom tech immune sport go with the immune during now during the fucking busy flu season you won't be sorry I'm here I'm doing jumping jackson on the

gym today I'm smoking dope with Lisa yeah it's a beautiful day to be alive I'll be in Columbus February 1st and 2nd 614 4715653 jimitsu's got the fucking web page up over at death squad death squad Connecticut I'm with you motherfuckers I love all you cop suckers testicle testaments for is still on we'll be at the ice house we're gonna have a special live church of what's happening now taping me Lisa at and mark some time at the ice house the shit's going on shit's gonna happen we're taping special we're doing a lot of fucking things I'm coming to your town I'm coming to

Lexington Kentucky I'm coming to fucking me I'm coming all right stop fucking bugging me I'm coming we got saliva all over my face I'm gonna go home I gotta stop and get eggs from my wife I love you cock suckers have a great day we'll be back Wednesday with some great fucking guests I think I'm gonna have my doctor call up and talk about sleep at me and break it down oh cool because a lot of people have hit me up about sleep at me I love you guys have a great week what do you got from me Lee do you like taking all too hard by Genesis is that a good one I've never heard it wait I want you to play something as funky to send

them off and you hit me with something that's on you said Genesis I know but Genesis ain't I just said that these guys hit me something funky get me something with some fun now you're in a bind that you want to hit me with Genesis how about fucking just go back to fucking Peter Gabriel go back cocksucker all right do I'm do different song or same song same song all right I mean we had big hypnotize you want to go hypnotize kitchen sure go ahead there you go try I'm trying to try and fucking up my flow here I'm trying to make it Monday why you fucking up flow for my fucking I'm trying to mix it up who loves you at least I

had at Twitter the flying Jew Joey Coco Diaz have a great day man I love you guys thank you for watching