Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #014 - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live

Episode Date: November 3, 2014

Comedian Jimmy Abeyta joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt Live at the Ice House Recorded Live 10/29/2014

Because I know you're going to pull the mic out. Just sit down please. What are you embarrassing me about? By the way. Everything we do, he tells me we're not going to talk about it, we're not going to plan it. There's always a problem. What is it?

He thinks it's like you just push a button. Did you see a problem? Did you see a problem? Yeah. The quotas after on the mic stand. Just sit down. That's all you got to do. I have a question for you.

I feel like a Republican. What the fuck? Don't be yelling at me. I have a question for you. What? Would you rather have a guy with a bowler next to you or a guy with hummus on the plane? A bowler. That's how much I hate fucking hummus.

I'd rather have the guy on hummus puke on my fucking leg before I have some guy eating crackers with that faggy look on their face from eating a bowler. But eating hummus. When people eat hummus, they're like, we're men. We fucking eat weed. If something falls, let it be there. But you can watch those fucking motherfuckers that eat like a cracker, then take a napkin and wipe the sides of them.

And you want to go over and just look them in the eye. Would you suck my dick when you're finished? Because you know they'll break down. How'd you know? I know. Because it's a little napkin. Guys just let it fall. They use a fucking sleeve, all right?

We took a little napkin over here on the side. Get it together. You're making this week. I saw my least favorite guy in North Hollywood on the other day. Who? I saw him at the gym. He's this white dude who skateboards, remember, made me remember. In the gym, on the elliptical, he wears a gray beanie, like a winter hat.

And I saw him skateboarding the other day by your house. I was like, oh, I hate that guy. You should have fucking invited him over. I tell you, kill somebody and invite him over. That's the best way to do it. Why fuck around on the street and invite him over? You want to eat your hungry? Come on.

But doesn't that make you an instant witness? No, it's your word against them. They pulled a knife from the kitchen. I don't know what it was. He was eating cheese whiz and he went fucking bananas. You stab him in the neck, he goes down. You're down and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck happened. He came in my house.

He started talking about Puerto Ricans. I don't know if I can go to your house again. Not you. I wouldn't kill you. You're a nice guy. There's no sense in killing you. I mean, somebody you hate, you invite them over and you stab them. Or you fix the stairs or he goes through the stairs, something.

You booby trap the motherfucking you guys. Use your imagination. You know, I'm in a fucking city and tell you how to kill somebody. What's wrong with you people? He basically did. No, but you know, this is like an imagination type thing. This is, my friend killed somebody like that. When we were kids, he would always fuck around with us.

If you're going to kill somebody, invite him over to the house. This went on from the time I was eight. I used to go to his house, nine, whatever. If you're going to kill somebody, go to his house. I thought he was fucking crazy till he killed somebody in his house. And he shot him six times in the back and self-defense and got away with it. He lost his cop job, but he got his pension. So, you know what I'm saying?

I remember the night that my friend said, did you hear about what happened? I said, I don't know. And he gave me the newspaper and said, whatever, shot a guy in his house six times and self-defense. And then the cop that found him was like a rookie. And two weeks later, he became Lieutenant. The guy had a gun in his hand. Well, you said that area of Jersey is like the biggest corrupt area ever. The place is corrupt.

You get shot in L.A. What do you think they, if you get shot with a wrench in your hand, is that what they're going to tell eyewitness news? Is that what you think they're going to take KTLA? Any of you people actually believe this shit in L.A.? Do you think they're going to come on? Hello, Rosa Flores here on the five. Four young Mexicans were coming from the ice house,

from the church of what's happening, whatever. And they got pulled over and they pulled a gun and a machine gun out, really. You guys left the ice house with three drinks and you got a machine gun in you. You guys just pulled out. You probably stopped at King Taco and got a taco and they fucking shot you like the guy in Casino with the fucking sandwich. Remember, you had the fucking sandwich. The chicken got the fucking sandwich.

Don't fucking tell me my job. Right or wrong, I'm not bullshitting you. Do you actually think any of you motherfuckers, especially the darker skin motherfuckers in the room, do you think if you get pulled over in the five and you get out to say explain your case and you get shot, do you think they're going to tell your mother? Who saw the black lady get beat up on eyewitness news by the motorcycle cop? Really?

What did that poor fucking black lady do? Who saw that by applause? Tell fucking ESPN how many times the cop punched her in the fucking head. Tell him how he had her in a mount and he was hitting her like Tito Ortiz was just fucking punching and she bounced on the floor. Did anybody see a weapon in her fucking hand? Huh? She just had big fucking tits.

Why would you punch a woman like that with big tits? That always comes back to bite you in the ass later. I'm telling you, you can't punch. So, bro, what do you think they're really going to tell your parents that you came out of the car in the five? No. They're going to put some fucking BB gun in your hand and tell them that you came out yelling Viva Zapata.

And then tomorrow your friends will be on a corner with a bowl with candles saying how you're a nice fucking kid and you wouldn't even step on an ant and you can't put it together. You follow me and then when the parents start going on eyewitness news saying they killed my son, a dude with a black suit and an envelope comes over and says, what was your son doing? Working at Rouse? What's he going to do with his life?

Nothing. He's 75,000. Everything all right for a while? Sure. Fucking, that's it. And that's it. You never hear from the fucking people again. For three days they're shooting an eyewitness news.

Somebody killed my son. Look at the Ebola people in Dallas. The parents to those people, the brothers and sisters. They were young. They were saying these motherfuckers killed our motherfucking brother. But what happened? After three days they just disappeared like everything else. What happened to the Russian?

What happened to the fucking plane that went down this summer? What happened? Where is it? Then the Russians shot down a plane and nobody put together the Russians were out there just playing fucking target practice. Just shooting Taiwan fucking airlines down. What's that? Malaysian Airlines.

What is it? Malaysian. Yeah, whatever. Malaysia. It's not like shooting an American airline. If Malaysian airlines get lost, oh really? And they proved it. I'm serious.

They proved it. The fucking plane got lost. You hear anything again? Any of you motherfuckers read the paper? Huh? Come on, I'll wait. Anybody hear a fucking thing about that fucking plane? One minute it was in Australia, the next minute it was in Puerto Rico.

A plane goes down. They find a fucking leg. I'm an old man. There used to be a thing called the Bermuda Triangle. Everything that went through the fucking Bermuda Triangle disappeared including Roberto Clemente. Even his fucking plane, they found a tire on that. They didn't find nothing from that tire when he's playing. Those are the Russians going, let's try this fucking.

Whatever, Malaysia. I'm sorry. You're right. Is there a difference? Malaysia? Taiwan? I mean, it's not like an American airline with 167 Americans. Then they'll be, you know, they said, fuck it.

Let's try it on the plane. But nobody else figured that out. I'm the only fucking moron in this room. Okay, fuck it. What's up, Lisa? Don't sit there like a fucking Jew thinking about it. You know they're sitting like a Jew thinking about interest rates. You see them?

You'd be so proud of me. I went and bought water yesterday. I picked the one that was a penny and a half cheaper per bottle. I don't want to hear that. I did the math in the grocery store. But that's smart because what they charge you for, how many bottles did you have? 48. 48 fucking bottles.

What they charge you for? Two for five. Two what? Two packs for five bucks. So you got 96? No, I got 48. I got 224 packs. Why are you confusing me?

I didn't mean to confuse you. You like doing math. You got 48 bottles for five dollars. Right. What's the fucking, what's the price of that altogether? How much per bottle? I don't know. Is a penny and a half or something?

The difference, I don't remember. Fucking, I'm high now. You give me an edible. You see what I got to deal with? Any fucking real Jew would break it down. I did. I did the math on the calculator. Per unit cost, per unit retail, per unit wholesale, what the guy made, how much he's trying to

get off because no Jew pays. I mean, if you ever see fucking Jews and Indians, they don't pay the cost on the sticker. Not the fucking boo boo, the other ones. The ones that 7-11 knows it. They negotiate everything. Watch them in the store. Not the boo boo. The thing says a dollar.

They'll go up with 75 cents. No, a dollar. No, 75. I'm offering. There ain't no fucking offering. There's America. What do you think? He used to-

Candles. He pays me every month and he used to, if I didn't cash it that day, he'd be like, I'm gonna cancel right now. What do you hold on to a check for more? And then- And then- And then there's your check. You bang that motherfucker out.

ASAP, okay? Whether you got 10 million in the bank or $10 in the bank because you never know what could happen. My fuck around, all of a sudden I get hit by a car. My account gets closed. Fucko has got a check at home. And he's gonna call the house. My- Joey gave me a check.

He just died. Fuck you. Always cash a check. That's the number one. Don't fuck around. I don't care if you buy the Hollywood one, go to that place on Whitset. It's tremendous. And then he calls me like five times a day.

At least one of those times during the week, it's gonna be like, when was the last time you checked your bank account? You gotta check your bank account. There's pirates out there. You know what I'm saying? You're a king taco. What do you think they do with king tacos? What do they do with those credit cards?

They save them. They sell them to fucking Mexico. Next thing you know, you're buying a cruise to fucking Columbia for 18 people. When you're saying, I never even went to fucking, yeah, that's what happens. When you use your ATM card, your information goes out there. And every day, people get fucking mugged. Nobody ever got mugged. You go to eat something, and all of a sudden they come back.

Your thing bounced. I just came from the fucking bank. What do you mean that the credit card, and all of a sudden you're calling, you got zero balance, and you find out some kid bought a fucking radio in Atlanta? That never happened to you, fucko? No, I've never had anybody buy a boombox. I had somebody buy clothes once. Okay, well, same fucking difference, ladies.

You said I got to deal with people. Don't give me the edibles. You're going to have to deal with this. You see why I smoke reefer people, do you think? Oh, my God. His wife got mad at me the other day for keeping saying yes. She said, I have to say no more to the edibles, and he just started laughing. No, I don't know.

My wife's at home with a baby watching Tarzan, singing songs at the fucking two-year-old. Why you listen to my wife? All right, don't worry. My wife has a child. My wife's head is somewhere else, and I love it. She don't say shit, you know? She don't even pay attention. There's a baby in the house.

My wife don't give a fuck no more. I could be there on fire, and she wouldn't give a fuck. It's all about the baby. I don't blame her. I don't give a fuck about me either, you know what I'm saying? That's why my wife said that to you. She's like, no, just say no. My wife didn't even know what the fuck you was doing.

I made my wife eat edibles twice. What the fuck is she saying? What happened? I got her corner. She's fucked up. I made her smoke cash, and I fucked her up at the wedding. At the wedding? I made her smoke cash, and then one time,

she was fucking around at the house, and I made her eat a piece of banana bread. Because my wife watches TV, and she gets into it. I sure watched CNN, and you can see it like... I'm like, turn that shit off. Look at the fucking shape of you. For what? You believe this shit?

But, you know, you know how Jen thought it was. What happened with the banana bread? What happened when she had the banana bread? She fucking, when I left him, when I came back, she was fucked up. Her eyes were red. She was barefoot. The fucking chair was kaput.

You know that? I've been sitting here rock and rolling. You want another one? No, I'm alright. I was just sitting there horse-dancing for the rest of the fucking night. Nobody caught that. I had no martial artist at the end.

I fucking horse-danced cock-suckers. Sorry about this, guys. I don't know what happened. The chair was fucked up. And they gave it to me fucked up. Don't think I fucking broke it. Your motherfuckers are sitting there going, Joey, you're a little big now.

The chair was fucked up when I sat in it. Shit. I know how to judge people. You people ain't fucking special. Did you ever break a chair? Huh? Have you ever broken a chair? Thousands of them.

Thousands of them. And let me tell you something. Once I start hearing the crack, I just ride it out. I take my chairs. Oh my God, there's a new chair. Really? I didn't know.

For some reason, he has freaking, like, deck furniture on your deck. You have, like, the plastic ones. And when I was bigger, I wouldn't sit on it. Because, like, it would wiggle all the time I sat on it. I broke, like, two of them. I broke two of them.

They just cracked up a pan. The best person I ever seen broke furniture, was Ralphie May. We were at Burke Christ's house doing a podcast, and Ralphie May was fucked up. We gave him, like, 15 edibles. He was just fucked up. We kept telling him there was salami sandwiches,

but that was, like, medical marijuana, salami, and bread, and mustard. And he was smoking a vapor, and we were doing bomb hits. And I could see his eyes were closing. So we got up to walk out of Burke's fucking man cave, and we made a right. And we're walking,

and you have to avoid the baby's furniture. He has, like, two young girls, you know, like, where kids drink tea and shit. Oh, this is so nice. It was like a kid's table. And me and Burke were walking out first, and all of a sudden we're here. And we looked down.

Every chair was broken. And Ralphie was sideways. Like, he was at the beach. He's like, man, I don't know what happened. I know what fucking happened, man. So I couldn't laugh because he was my buddy. You ever been with a friend, and he falls really funny,

and you're dying to laugh, but you can't. You have to laugh. And you just hold it in, like, and you're dying for him to crack a joke so you can let that laughter out. I'm blaming on that joke. You follow me? So I got up.

I couldn't, you know, because I used to hang out with Ralphie when he used to fall all the time. One night he fell on Sunset and Gardener, and I just walked away from him. Because there were cops on the corner. You touched like a guy that'll arrest you. So I said, fuck it, leave him there.

And he couldn't get off. He was straggling. And I just lost him. Like, he just tripped. You know when you're talking to somebody, like, yeah, I knew the fucking motherfucker. I was like, I was gonna stab him or something. And he's like, yeah, I mean, you're looking.

And he's like, what happened? And I look back and Ralphie's on his back. I was kicking him. And he's like, help me up, help me up. I'm like, fuck you. Last time I did that, the cops shook me down. They got a fucking weave trying to help somebody. I'm no good Samaritan.

You told me Ralphie was at a Jewish deli and they put ants on a sandwich? Doug, we were at Green Blots. They said at the last fact, we went to Green Blots. We were on a Green Blots quick cake. They got a nice roast beef sandwich at Green Blots with some pickles and shit. The rest of this shit's overpriced.

But when you're stoned, fuck it. You go to nine bucks. You just look the next day. You go, fuck it. I spent $9 on a sandwich or whatever it was. So we had a roast beef sandwich. And when I'm talking to him, he had a half because it comes in two, like on a roll.

And he was eating it. And you could see the ant on his hand going back and forth. This is a true story. And I go, Ralphie, there's an ant on your hand. He goes, what the fuck? And all of a sudden he picks up the sandwich and there's like three more ants running around.

He calls the waitress over. The waitress goes, what the fuck? There's ants. He goes, oh my god. She goes, look, check the other one. He looks at the other one. He goes, oh no, it's all right. When we got the bill, they only gave him half the sandwich off.

He was like, what the fuck is this? He goes, take that off. Look, I didn't even eat the other sandwich. It was disgusting. I just want to act in my fucking food. So sometimes you pay good money and then listen, eat at home, people. I just finally found that out.

Listen, you can eat at home, everything except sushi. I ain't going to sit at home and eat raw fish. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. At least if you got to shed your shit in blood, you could sue the fucking sake place, you know? You're at home cooking fish by yourself, and I'll send you shit blow, you're going to sue. How often do you shit blood?

How often do you shit blood? Twice a week. I never shit blood. I forget. You wipe your ass with fucked up paper sometimes. One day. Some people, some hotels, you know, they're supposed to be nice hotels,

like the best Western to fucking paper, is made like from trees, from underwater and shit, with splinters and shit. It's like special fucking toilet paper for fags. Did you know that? Fags want splinters in their asshole? They do. They have special toilet paper, little dicks,

and you can slice your ass. That's what somebody was telling me one time. I don't know if it's true, I'm not homophobic. What's up, dawg? How you doing? Tell them how many pounds you lost. 65. Fuck me.

Look at me. How many pounds did you lose juicing? I lost 70, but I gained it all back, plus 15. What? Did you feel better juicing, or doing what you're doing now? I feel better. It's quicker then, so it's like, I've done it for like almost five months now,

and it's taken a while, but it's going to last longer, plus juicing sucked. People keep asking me what kind of juicer I used on Twitter, and I always tell them, don't do it. It's a good part of a diet, but I fasted for 30 days, and I had to stop because my leg,

I couldn't feel my leg, it was like tingling. Because the juice is so bad, that like halfway through it would only make like one juice of every three days. I fucked up. I fucked up because I didn't tape the room. When he was juicing, when I go over there, this part was just sucked out.

He looked like Matthew McConaughey in Dallas fucking. Right? His eyes were all sucked out. And I go over there, what's up, Leah? Everything's fine, man. And he drank the juice in front of me, and you can see it tasted like a dick. He'd be faking it like, oh, this is great.

I can't even, I've almost thrown up a couple of times, because I keep trying to do it, but whenever you make, I'm an idiot, whenever you watch a documentary, I immediately believe all of it. So they have that fat sick and nearly dead, and the guy loses 100 pounds in 27 days, and you're like, where is he now?

He's doing documentary now. He's probably eating a double-double. No, he just... Going, that fucking thing tastes like dick. I'll never fucking juice again, fucking. I'd rather die than juice again. I didn't get for the... I'm not a fat guy.

I'm not going to fall for fats no more, guys. That's all we do in this country. Every six weeks, remember 10 years ago, was the fucking pomegranate juice. You're going to live through it. Where's pomegranate juice today? They're giving it away now. It was $22 a fucking glass 10 years ago and shit.

And now where the fuck it... Now it's coconut water. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't tell you the express over coconut oil. What about freaking... Fuck yourself. What about Felipe on Monday?

What about Felipe on Monday with the vegan wedding cake? Oh, don't get me started. Listen, I just got over that vegan shit. Because I tell you what really irritates me. Okay, I understand you're a vegan. But if you're going to invite 100 people to your wedding, how many of these motherfuckers are going to be vegans?

Because if there's more than eight vegans, that's a stinky fucking wedding dog. Eight vegans in a room, you can smell their feet and their neck. You ever smell a vegan's neck? Guys, normally when a podcast is over, Joey's out of there in like 10 minutes. Him and Felipe stayed for like half an hour.

Still talking about it. I almost turned the recorder back on. I was living. I went home and woke my wife up out of a cold sleep. And she's like, what is it? Let me tell you what that motherfucker's doing. She's like, what motherfucker? I was like, Felipe's having a vegan fucking wedding.

I told Paula's mom. I was upset. She was pissed off. I was really upset. Because how many people are going to go to the fucking vegans? How many vegans do you people know? I don't want vegans to think I'm on a vegan.

I lived in Boulder for 14 years. I was surrounded by vegans. There was a restaurant that I went to that was vegan. And I went in there and I used to get breakfast. And I used to get the vegetarian gazpacho. But everything else, I didn't fucking touch it there. I didn't even go in the hummus section. They had like a stinky hummus section, a regular section.

I went to the counter for years. I had the same wages for like eight years. And I went there. I would get my credit card. It would be harvest, harvest, harvest, harvest, harvest. So I understand the mind of it. But how many fucking veggies do you know? Especially if you're Mexican.

Friggin' jackfruit chorizo. That's when I knew. That's when I saw your face go. Some guy took a great picture. Wait for dusk. He took four pictures of your face. And you did this. Your face for like five minutes.

Listen, listen. I don't know if you guys understand this. I'm not 22. And one thing I learned to respect is culture. You got to do certain fucking things, you know? You got to do certain fucking things. That's how I feel, you know? When I got married, I got married to the shit hole.

I got married to the Hollywood Bowl. My wife didn't want a fucking fancy wedding. I'll tell you what we got. We got white rice and black beans and Cuban pork chunks. All right? For Spanish people. And then I got pastrami from Langa's for the fucking hard-hitting Jews. And this motherfucker that was showing up.

Because if you don't take care of the Jews, they ain't never going to come back. You got to take, you got to have, and then you got to pull them aside when I got your Langa's with some nice rye bread. Like the one Jesus ate at the last supper. That same rye bread. Jesus ate pastrami?

Jesus ate pastrami. What else did I get? I got something else. I got something for fucking Gentiles. I got macaroni and cheese. I did something else. That's what I got. Didn't you go to Ralph's for something?

Didn't you go to Ralph's for something? Fried chicken. Fried chicken from Ralph's and shit. And I became friends with the guy, so he made some tremendous fucking chicken. Tremendous. He deep-fried something, you know what I'm saying? So we got some fried chicken from Ralph's,

some pastrami, and some fucking Cuban food. Who's better than Uncle Joey? All right? Have you guys ever gone to Langa's? It's in that fucking horrible fucking neighborhood. You could buy a bazooka in that park. What's the name of the park, bro? MacArthur Park.

I went in there for a walk one day, thinking like, oh my god, let's look at the ducks. ID, acid, guns, motorcycles, fucking IDs, passports. It was surreal, and it was too in the afternoon. The sun was shining. I can't imagine going down there at night. In fact, this restaurant, they closed it at night. They closed after four.

They know it's a fucking horrible neighborhood. So you're just walking around, someone's like, hey, man, you need a passport? They don't even say, hey, man, you need a passport. You just hear something coming from a tree. Because those motherfuckers know how to throw their voice, you understand me? They could be over here playing with a child.

It's not even their child. And all of a sudden you hear, pss. Pss. Passaporte. And they say it backwards. Passaporte, fake. It's tremendous. And I love that.

I love that that exists. When I was a kid, I swear to God, when I was a kid, I was growing up in Jersey. When you played hooky, you went into New York City, and you walked down 42nd Street before Disney took over. And the beginning was just playing people, you know, standing there.

But once you got to the Broadway side, that whole corner, you would get for six or seven minutes, just bombarded, acid, marijuana, nickel bags, cocaína, perico, acido. You'd get it in 16 fucking languages. And you'd make that turn. I remember one time me and my buddies thought we were gangsters, and we bought like five nickel bags.

And they said, don't open it until you get around the corner. Once they tell you that, you're doomed. What, do you get a regano? We got sex weed, that weed that you get in Playboy, and it horns you up, and you get all pale and shit. That sounds like regular weed. Whatever, you know, whatever the fuck it is. It ain't regular weed, all right?

It's some other shit. Do you get nervous in those areas, because fucking Paula, I got gasped by her house, and she told me it was like the worst part of Inglewood. It's where they're freaking filmed, that Denzel Washington movie. I swear to God. What's the name of that movie?

Training Day? She lives right off of Malcolm X Boulevard. It's like five blocks from her house. I swear to God. No, Martin Luther King. I don't know the streets in Inglewood. All I know. All I know.

All I know. Is anyone here from Inglewood? How you haven't gotten mugged down there is beyond me. Like, those are the worst fucking gangsters ever. They're on her street. I would hide right under your car. Like, when you got to the car,

I would just grab your ankle and you would die. It'd be like that scene in fucking Carrie at the end, when she goes to put the candle in the fucking guy, and comes out and grabs it. You would die. They're fucking scary. But you're cool. I'm happy they haven't mugged you,

but I can't wait to get the call. No, they're moving this weekend. They took my car. On the corner. Oh my God, they dropped me. No. They dropped me off in Santish. On the corner, there's six black guys who sit on,

turned over shopping carts, and there's a woman who sells papoosas as a front. Cars are... There's more escalades in Inglewood than any other car. It's fucking crazy. There's a, like, a 500-pound black dude who rides a motorcycle and has a cop uniform, but they found out it's a fake uniform.

He's just terrified to drop right around his city. He's a, like, 500-pound black dude on a motorcycle looking like a cop, but his uniform's fake. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. I have no idea what to fucking reply to that. A 500-pound guy on a motorcycle. It looks like he's going to explode out of the uniform. It looks like that girl from Willy Wonka

who becomes a blueberry. Oh, do you ever see that? Like, that makes you happier, like, being healthier. I saw a guy probably, like, maybe five years older than me in one of those rascals leaving the store this morning. And I was like, thank God I didn't... Because I was on that way. That was, like, three years away.

I just hit him with the tip of the car, like, just like with the family. Like, what the fuck are you doing? He falls over. Then he'll go home and go, it's got to be a better way. I'm going back to walking. I'm doing you a favor.

That's amazing that they already sell those and they pre-plan you. Like, people are like, you know what? I'm just going to stop walking. I'm done. Like, I don't want to ever walk again. I'm done. I'm giving up.

I'm going to let my legs get fat with veins in them. Oh, they're so scary. With no fucking, with no circulation. Have you guys seen it? My toes get off. Why are you doing this to yourself? Take a walk, you fat fuck. My joints are...

Well, then get roller skates. Do something, you fat fuck. But you're not going to sit there with a scooter and they get attitude. They're worse than handicapped people. Like, handicapped people get attitude. You cut me off. I don't give a fuck.

You know what I'm saying? You're going to get to the light. God, suckers. I'm sorry about that, people. It's a bad joke. I'm fucking... Somebody's got to say it. I don't give a fuck.

It's true. Everybody's got an attitude now. They're going to, you know, they look at you. Everybody looks at you like you're not part of this fucking group. Like, I got to be there to fucking, you know. What group? I don't know. I'm high, dog.

What are you asking me about? The group, the fucking group of the people with the scooters. Then they meet at the malls. Those are the worst. They meet at the malls. No, they don't. Yes, they do. To do what?

Yes, they ride around. There's a sale on fucking tires, whatever the fuck they do. Fucking society is putting these fat people in these seats and shit. You got to get them out, fucking walking dog, getting some sun, vitamin D. Let's say there's 50 years in here and you all went through a blood test tomorrow. Do you know that half a year would be vitamin D deficient? Yes. And the sad thing is we live in California.

We live in... How can we be vitamin D fucking deficient? That's what happens to people who live in Buffalo and Seattle. So next time you doubt, you're smoking a joint and you're sitting there going, I'm going to watch this TV and you look out the window and the sun's out. Fuck it. Go outside. Get some sun.

Take your shirt off. You would take your shirt off and just rub me inside these suns. As a man, you ever do that because you're supposed to do that in the beach, but do that where you're not supposed to. Do you do it in the park with the kids? Not the park with the kids. Like in front of your house, you got like a fucking chair, right? You got a chair, you're sitting there, people walking by, they going to school.

And you take your shirt off. And you got like some SPF number fucking four. And you got a towel because you're going to sweat your balls off. And you dry off. You dry off your titties. You break a sweat first to create moisture. You bring a towel down because you're going to sweat that much? That's the goal to sit in the sun.

So the sun breaks that barrier to bust that first layer of sun out. If you sit there like a fucking mook and you put suntan lotion on and you get the suntan lotion on without sweating, it fucking don't work right. That's how you get fucking cancer and fucking pimples and shit. You want to sweat first, break that fucking top layer out. And when your body gets a little hot, this is how, dog, I'm Cuban. I'm telling you, they got no buildings over three floors in Cuba. That's why there's some Cubans are darker than others.

I'm Cuban. I'm Cuban. Both my parents are Cuban. But the fucking Alfea Pew, whatever his fucking name is, from the Dodgers. He's Cuban too. Pui. Pui. Pui.

Whatever his fucking name is. Alfea Pew. What's his name? What's his name? You sell Pui. You sell Pui. Right? He's Cuban too.

We're both from the same fucking island. Why does he look like that? And I look like this. Does anybody know? Because they had no SPF on that side of the island. I had SPF. So you bust that motherfucker out, you bust that little sweat out, then you get the towel or you jump in a pool or the ocean.

You come out, you let the water, the salt hit you, the chlorine, the piss. Because once you get the piss mixed with the water, it works in your favor. Trust me. Give a piss on somebody, their skin's tremendous. Look at their skin when you piss on them. Let's say you piss on their feet. Their feet are fucking gold. No fungus, no fungi nail, fucking everything's perfect.

No cuticles, that's what happens. So if you mix pee with fucking chlorine, water, body odor, and mix it all together. Why are we talking about suntan lotion people? But the great thing is guys, every month there's something. He has theories about this for almost everything. And the sad part is, that pisses me off, he's almost always right. I'm telling you. You yell at him, you're not right.

He'll have this idea about comedy or podcasts or this guy, this actor. Like Shug Knight got arrested again today. He's facing 30 to life for stealing a paparazzi's camera in Beverly Hills. He said five weeks ago, that guy's a kiss of death. And if you're in a restaurant, he comes in, you walk out. If you don't know that, you're a fucking moron. Shug Knight walks into his building right now, we've stopped the show. And we walk, I'm telling you, there's no way.

What do you think? He started hanging out with fucking that poor soul. And look what happened to him. He got arrested too. Listen, he was in the car when Tupac got shot. If you know anything about anything, that guy did some very bad things. I don't know all of them, but I know that he knows who shot Tupac. And he took a fucking life, man.

He took a fucking life. And when you take a life like that, you pay for it somewhere. It may not be today. You might beat the cops and co-case and shit. Co-case won't come looking for you. Some little blonde and shit. Where were you on the night of August 15? In Las Vegas, Nevada.

Were you still, you know, you never fucking know. I bought the book. I bought the book. The LA Brinks. And it breaks down the murder, how they were connected to the grips or the bloods. I don't know the whole why. Chronological, but I do know that guy's the kiss of death. He was in some car with his spirit fucking went.

My fucking friend has a house in Jersey. His brother moved back from Vegas with some chick. They were both junkies. New Year's Day, this bitch committed suicide in the house. Listen, somebody ices themselves in the house. You put a sale sign that motherfucker. Or you get a fucking, you get a Jew to burn it down to the ground. Jewish lightning at his best.

The black guy from all state. All right. How are you? I don't know what happened. I was putting suntan. Oh shit. Where's my buddy Jimmy Abeta coming to the stage as my guest tonight? I know this guy from my early days of comedy.

Mr. Jimmy Abeta. In the middle pops up. This is real. When I started comedy in 91, you know, you had a, I was fucking petrified at doing comedy, man. Fucking petrified. And the first time I went up, I took my ex-wife with me and I bombed her. She was the kiss of death.

I knew I had to get rid of her. And like eight weeks later, she was gone. I remember driving home going, I want to do comedy, but I got to get rid of this woman. I really did. I knew that I couldn't do what I wanted to do when I married to this woman. I mean, I remember the first time I brought up comedy in the house at dinner in front of her parents. It looked at me like my wife watched the CNN.

No, that's not for you. You have a family now. Fuck you. You know what? Do a roofing job, estimate until I'm 65 and then somebody gives me a gold watch. Five days a fucking week. I got to do something with my life. I'd rather go back to prison, you know?

But I started doing comedy and like the third night I got on stage, I had to drive like an hour to the show that started 11 o'clock. Guys, to me, it was like burglarizing the house, walking into this place. But all of a sudden I saw a Mexican motherfucker, which is always a good sign when you're spanked. Right? When you're cute. And you're in Denver. We were like in Littleton.

This is where white people were invented. Remember when they shot those kids and shit? This is all Littleton. You can see it's a different type of white person. They have like crew cuts and shit and they drank the Kool-Aid and we were at this bar and Jimmy walks in Mexican style by himself with a jacket and a Mexican chick holding onto his arm and eight of his cousins with the same hairdo. And I'm like, this is a real Mexican.

I'm home. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm going to be fine. And I went up to him and I introduced myself and he gave me his number and he would call me and give me gigs. Then he got me on the HBO showcase with Carlos Mancía back in 94 when Carlos, before he was getting on.

So I never forgot this guy. I always kept in touch with him over the years and we just rekindled. We worked together at the Denver Improv. I told him 20 years to come to town. He's a funny motherfucker, but this guy got 18 kids. You know, he's one of those Mexicans. Every time you see a new kid that's pregnant. Stop it, Jimmy.

You can't. How many kids you got? I got four that I know of. Okay. What's been going on? How long you been in town for? I've been here since Thursday. Last week.

You began on stage. Yep. Let motherfuckers know the magic of Jimmy and Beta. It's not all the glasses. Yeah. I just been having fun. I saw the other day. I can't believe this.

I saw it out here over on Malrose. Joey, I can't believe it. I saw a hooker with the cane. A hooker with the cane. I said to myself, there's a woman who gets my support. Because she doesn't let her handicap get in the way of her job. She got all my support. $50 to be exact.

We were at a comedy club a few years ago. This hooker came over with bandages on her head. Remember? And you left. And I was stated and didn't know she was a hooker. And then she came in the bar. She said, do we have a deal? I said, what are you talking about deal?

She said, I'll make you feel like the sexiest man alive. And I was like, oh shit. I walked out. I called him. He was like, I knew she was a hooker. From the minute she sat down, she had bandages on her head. She was a feet wall fucked up like shit. Like she had walked from here to fucking Chicago and back.

But here's the beauty of it, guys. Like I'm a friend to my friend. I love my friends. I really do. I don't have a lot of friends, but I'm the type of motherfucker. But if I see a predicament, and it might end up a funny one. Because listen, sometimes you may go out, man. You want to get laid.

You want to do drugs. But you just have a fun night. You just have a fucking fun night that you're laughing the whole way through. You know, you're laughing when your friends pick you up to the bar to get Mexican food later all the way home. You're laughing. You walk in your house. You're like, I didn't get laid tonight.

I just cried. I don't laugh that hard since I was fucking 10, you know. And so he just leaves. It's like, I'm so mad. When I went to the podcast festival, Yoshi came up and gave me this hardcore porn. And every time I see Yoshi, all I can think about is you leaving him at one of the improvs. And he gets lost at a drive-thru like fucking 10 hours later. So when I saw Lee, this is when I first met Lee.

And he was, you know, four years ago. He was very young, you know. And if I go out with you and I see that we can fuck it, I'll leave you there. I'll leave you there. It's all about the fucking story, guys. That's it. Trust me, I'm telling you. As you fucking close in your eyes and not casket, you can't take money with you.

You can't take sorrow with you. But you're going to think about fucking the nights where you went out with two bucks and giggled your fucking ass off. I knew. I knew she was a hooker. And she sat next to me. Thanks for helping me out. And his face got red and shit.

And all of a sudden they were holding hands. Once I saw him holding hands. It's true. I was just out of here. I knew it was curtains. I saw her holding hands, walking across Lancashire, happy as a motherfucker. I had just moved here.

I hadn't had sex in like six months. Oh my God. He was happier than fuck. He's like, LA is banging for Lee. He was calling his buddies in the movie, you got to come out of here, Doug. I'm going to get this chick. The next one I called him up, I'm like, did she suck your dick?

He's like, she was a hooker. Oh my God. The best Lee Syad hooker stories were with San Jose. What's the oldest girl you ever had? And I keep telling. What's that? What's the oldest girl you ever had suck your dick? Oldest?

Yeah. I don't fucking know. I'm talking to you about Lee here. Hold on, what's up? It's Lee. Okay. I'm the oldest lady suck my dick. I was 63 year old one time.

I had food stamps, she had a bazooka. San Jose was fucked up. Okay. He brought me up there and got me high every night. I can't go on the road with you because I don't remember any event. Because from the minute I see him, I won't see him until right after dinner, right before the show. From the minute I see him, edible, edible joint.

And then people after the show will have it. So he got me super high and we were following Butch Escobar around. Butch was an asshole and told Joey about red books. That Hooker thing on your cell phone, like the Craigslist for Hookers. He tormented me the next day. He called me about 15 times. They were getting a Hooker. The Hooker's there.

She's coming up, come down and meet her. So I didn't know what to do. Whenever I had sex with a girl, I would clean up the room. So I cleaned up my hotel room thinking Hooker was coming over. Like she's gonna care what the world's like. When I saw him three hours later, he's like, man, I even made my bed. I'm like, oh my God. Gotta be nice, I don't know.

You don't care what your room looks like. I've never had a Hooker. I don't know. I don't want to be rude. What about the woman in Austin? In Austin on the last night who talked to you for like 20 minutes about this like fetish book she was writing. Oh my God.

This lady was like 58. She had just gotten fake tits. You know, you got an eight ball of coke. She had like high heels on. You could see her feet were like 82 years old and shit. She had good legs at one time. She had put something on her legs and makeup and optical illusions. She had a mini skirt on it.

She was working at Ass Leap. And she was showing her little titties like, you know, they were banging for a woman that age. She's smoking fucking two cigarettes at one shot. And she's talking about fetish books that she's taking pictures and she think me and Lee would be models. I don't fucking know what she was saying. I have no idea what this woman was saying.

But then she was like, let's get coffee. And you're like, I gotta go to the hotel. And she was like, I'll meet you there. Oh my God. Me and the opener left because it was getting weird. She wanted, and you were like, all right, I'll call you later. And what about the woman at freaking Morton's, who he called a sexy whore or something,

on the way to the, on the way to the bathroom, on the way out? He said it again. She laughed. This 50-year-old woman went up to him at Morton's and gave her her number, gave him her number. And we were going to call them later. He picked up a girl by calling her filthy savage on the way to the bathroom at Morton's.

She's like my mom's age. I was mortified. You could have. She gave you her number. Listen to me. I'm sitting there. I'm sitting there. I'm stoned to the ghost.

I'm at fucking Morton's with this fucking move. You're stoned. You're waiting to get to a steak. You're eating the bread like a fucking animal. Right? You're just putting pieces of butter on it. You don't give a fuck. You're just putting it in your mouth and shit.

Yeah. Because you have to eat half a goomy before you go to Morton's with Joey. Well, that's what you do. You want to build a fucking appetite. Who brings food home? Half a goomy. You eat that shit there.

Fuck, suck, attack. So we're sitting by the fucking, like 10 feet from the bathroom and I'm eating like an animal. And then as I look up, these two like mid-aged women are walking past me. And you know what, man? Whether they were good looking or not,

it was a Monday night. Who knows? You know what really? On a Monday night, it was a Monday fucking night, guys. And all I wanted to say was, you look great. My mom always said tell women they look beautiful.

You know, you might make their fucking day. So I'm with Lee, we're stoned to the gills. And I pop my head up and I see these two, and I go, Lee, and under my breath, I said something to Lee before. I go, watch these two savages, Lee, or something. And the woman's like, hi, I'm like, look at you, you filthy fuck.

Oh my God. Right to her face. Nobody has ever said that to this woman. She froze, went into the bathroom, and came out and gave me her fucking number. No, it's even better. She went back to her table and came back with the number. Nobody had ever figured this woman out.

Oh my God. They thought she was some rich Gentile from the hills of Burbank. And I said something to her. She goes, I'm a widower. She killed that motherfucker with that pussy. That's why you're an old freak. I guarantee she killed three guys.

There's some guy off the fucking, where do they have crazy people? What's that town? I don't know, somewhere close. Does anybody know? No? Okay. It's a crazy town.

Gosh, he gave me like three quarters of an edible. Listen, I used to have a girlfriend. That was a stripper. That was a psychology major. So she was trying to get a job in her field. And she worked in Sylvan. And in Sylvan, there's a place where there's crazy people. Don't fuck with me, motherfuckers.

All right. I have no Google map. Is this the stripper that still gives hand drops for a hundred bucks a pop? A hundred dollars a pop. And she'll suck your dick for 200 at this club in Florida. And she called the podcast in the beginning. And she told the story that she went to the doctor.

And she had carpal tunnel syndrome. And the doctor's like, you got it from, you know, working out. And she's like, not really. And then she called me on the way home from the doctor. And she goes, you want to hear the funniest story ever? Oh my God. I went to the doctor.

And he told me that carpal tunnel syndrome. And I thought to myself, not really. It's from giving hand jobs for a hundred bucks. Listen to me. I dated this girl for four years. I went to jail twice. You know, I had to put sugar in her gas tank. Can you guys hit each other with steaks?

Huh? You guys were like on the side street, like throwing steaks at each other? Oh, we were having each other with a steak dinner one night. She had mace in the hand. And I had like a pot roast. It was fucking horrible. She used to like to meet a choker.

I mean, it was just a great relationship. But it was just evil. It was just fucking evil. But we remained friends. And she ended up marrying this dude that was like 80, who was terminal. And she got like $2 million. And this chick bought a health...

Curves. Curves. She bought the Midwest region of curves when it was on the way up and sold it and made more money. And guess what she done? So she walked out. There were like six million. Three days a week.

She gives hand jobs. And ready for this one? She's engaged. And I asked her this year. And she goes, no, not really. But he don't really care. I'm like, you know, this is why you'll never get fucking married. She's been married twice.

The one guy ran over a cop. And he had to leave the country. She has two kids with a guy. He ran over a cop or copped up. And he had to run to Greece. The kids are fucking orphans. The guy's in Greece fucking eating grapes. And he can't come back.

I'm not fucking kidding you. This is a fucking story in the hand, bro. Joey, I got in trouble the other night because I pissed off this gay woman. And I said, it's just comedy. She got all mad at me. All I said was one thing, Joey. I said, if a lesbian has bad breath,

is that her girlfriend's fault? She got mad at me. I can't help it. She's not a picky eater. She wants to have her crack and eat it too. It's not my fault. You know? How long are you in town for?

Relax, relax. How long are you in town for? I'm actually leaving Sunday. How long have you been doing comedy for? 20 years. And you're in Denver and you love it. I love it. You're the fucking king of the scene, though.

I love Denver. You're the fucking main man. You're running shit. You know it's legal. You know it's legal. Denver games. You know it's legal. Do you hear about that guy in Denver?

We know it's legal. Do you hear about that guy who went to the football game? And just left. And he walked 100 miles to Pueblo. And he said, it's because I wanted some fresh air. And the cops are saying he's not crazy. He walked 100 miles to Pueblo and slept in like the bushes. He didn't walk no fucking 100 miles to Pueblo.

Nobody walks 100 miles to fucking Pueblo. How'd he get there? He took a bus. He's lying. He did something, dawg. He did something. You know what I'm saying? He got ahold of some edibles.

That's what it was. Now you travel still a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I did two world tours, entertained troops. Korea, Japan, Hawaii. Look at you and shit. What's the guy's name? I used to book Hawaii.

Kevin. Kevin. I forget his last name. I sent him a tape. He stole my money. I used to torment this guy. When are you going to book me? Soon, man.

I just got to find the right base. They like dirty comments. I called this guy for two years. He never gave me a fucking job. Why'd you call him a cocksucker? I never called him a fucking cocksucker. You call everyone a cocksucker? No, no, no.

It was so funny, like, when you guys, when you guys first start out, especially in Denver, you got two options. You got this guy, David Tribble, who's missing in here. He lives in Seattle. You know what? This guy's had rooms for 35 years. When you go to his rooms and you ask the people to show you headshots, everybody's been through there, from Roseanne Barr to Robert Schimel to, I mean, everybody.

This is, he's got everything in Oregon. He's got everything in Seattle. He's got everything in... New Mexico? No, no, up more. Washington. Idaho. Idaho.

He's got an American home. He's got a lot of Montana. And the shit he runs. You drive eight hours a day. You sleep five hours. You drink. They give you half your fucking money. They mail you the rest.

You got to sleep in your car. You got to eat Subway sandwiches, the veggie cheese, because you can't afford that. Because you can't afford the co-cups. The co-cups combo. The 5-5-5 deal. You know the whole fucking deal. They'll send you TVs and shit Subway. That's all you eat on those road trips.

Buy out. But you have to... If that was a fart, that was too much. That was a chair, I think. That's one of those big ones and shit. That's a good fucking blast right there. That's like that poor lady, the old lady that walked through your fart by your house. He farted before we got in the car.

We got in the car. This lady was walking down the street. He wouldn't go. He's like, look at this. This old lady, old Italian lady, just walking down the street. Gets to where he farted. Does this? And he didn't stop laughing, I think, for 25 minutes.

She walked right into it. I didn't know she was there. I get in the car, right? I get in the car. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to fart in this car, right? So I go, hold on one second. I get out of the car.

I close the door like a gentleman. He's like trying to open the window. What's going on? I go, don't open the window. I sit there. It's my fucking house right in front of it. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I fart.

But after the fart comes out, it was loud. And it was a Monday morning, like at eight o'clock. And you could hear it from 10 feet away. And after I farted, it shook it out of my body. Like a yoga stretch and shit, right? I looked to my right and there's a lady walking her dog. And she heard the fart, right? So I get in the car.

I go, Lee, put the camera on quick. I close the door. I go, watch this. And she's walking the dog like this. And also she's walking right in that. But it was like the Star Trek. When they came down those green lights that would be around them, she walked into those green lights.

And she was like, oh, happy. It's Monday and all this. Look at my Chihuahua one all since she just went, oh my God. And she ran past and he almost died. Well, yeah, because he hasn't farted in my car, but in his car and in the office, your farts are not good. And that poor lady was so old. Oh my God.

What's the matter? She was so old. She's like 100 years old. Who cares? That probably made her day. And if you ever are on Joey Street, the angriest I've ever seen you, no ranch, no nothing, is when somebody parks wrong in front of your house,

he calls me up. I'm going to stab his wheel tires. His tires. If he's still there when I get home, the two spots in front of my house are mine. Look, he doesn't put up a sign. He just expects everybody to know in his neighborhood. Listen to me, mother fuckers, all right?

Before you judge me. I live close to the train, so people fucking take the train and they park all fucked up in my house. And you know, they take two parking spots up, so I got to put an end to it. So I could do a thousand things. I'm the fucking king. I could do a thousand fucking things to your car

and you won't know. The professionals, listen what professionals do, all right? You didn't hear this from me. Just a little ball of saran wrap. Just a little slice of saran wrap. You take saran wrap, rip it out, and put it in somebody's gas tank with the stick, and that's it.

Hasta la vista. It's all over. You want to see those motherfuckers ever again. Are we killing somebody? We're not killing nobody. You just want to fuck them up for like, hmm, five months of torture at night. What is wrong with my fucking car?

What the fuck is wrong with my car? What happens? I've taken it to eight mechanics. Nobody can figure out my fucking car. I've had enough of this shit. Give me Mr. Hyundai. What happens to their car? The fucking...

The saran wrap, when the fuck gets hot, it expands, so it covers one of those tubes. Oh, shit. That's like evil genius. Stop your fucking car. So you just stand there and go, what the fuck is going on? Say, I'll wait for the car to cool down again.

So this motherfucker takes the car to service. They look it through all the holes. They can't find it. They can't find it until they take the fucking gas tank off and go through it with a fine tooth comb. That's six guys. Not everybody's good. They just look through it with a thing.

There's nothing in there. Besides, you know how hard it is to see fucking saran wrap? Guys, I dropped knowledge on you motherfuckers. As professionals. See, this is what happened. They took about killing people and fucking with people out of American ingenuity. Okay?

When you watched the mechanic that came out five years ago with the good-looking guy, they just had explosions. So all you motherfuckers were like, it's a great movie. No. It was just the original with Charles Bronson. It was slow, but he was an old man. So when he killed you, it had to be methodical. You follow what I'm saying to you?

He just wouldn't shoot you. He'd blow something up if he knew you had a heart condition. So you had to run out of the fucking house and you'd get a heart attack. Come on, dog. That's fucking Jew-type shit right there. The Oakley scene of the mechanic is 35 minutes long. It's a hit.

And it's right here in LA. And it's fucking Charles Bronson breaks into the guy's house and he puts, like, glue in a book. And he puts, like, fucking fake tea in a fucking tea container and a bunch of shit. And all of a sudden he leaves. And all of a sudden you see the guy, like, the witness come in the house and he's all fucking nervous looking around.

And what does this motherfucker do? He takes the tea, makes the tea. It's really like sleeping pills and shit. It puts him on the bed. He nods up and Charles Bronson shoots, like, a laser into the book which has explosives in it. And the whole block blows up. That's the opening.

That's the opening of the fucking mechanic dog. Get this family. I love when you recap a TV show or a movie. I'm just dropping it because a lot of people don't have the patience because you'll say, Joey, I'm sitting here waiting to get my dick sucked. How long is this fucking scene? I'm sorry. How long is this fucking scene?

I'm waiting for this scene to end. And it's 27 minutes with no dialogue. No dialogue? And then after the house blows, it says the mechanic. And they saw Charles Bronson walking at you. What are you, not so fucking what, motherfuckers? I want you all to watch it and twit me and say, we watch the fucking mechanic.

No, yes, what the fuck? I think they'll do it. I think they'll do it. I'm happy you said we just came out tonight. This is going to be like a workshop tonight, but we switched it up last night because Jimmy and Beta was in town and shit. I want some people to see him. I want people to have some info on him and shit.

Look at you. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. You're looking sharp, Jimmy. After all these years, the hairdo has not changed. You just cut the back off a little bit. It's amazing seeing people that you came up with. This is for $50 a night.

We were going to do some fucked up El Torrito. El Torrito would give you a free dinner and a gift certificate for 25 bucks. Are you kidding me? I would make that 25 bucks last and shit. I'd catch Happy Hour. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's for tequitos for $2. Well, they had a contest, remember?

They used to have a contest. Whoever won got a meal. And then we used to go to Club 52. 56. Club 56, 52. I hit a kid in the head with one of those microphones there. Dave Testro used to run the room. He was hosting one night.

He still talks weird because of that. No, I didn't hit Dave Testro. That's my buddy. They were doing comedy. No, the guy you hit. It was an open mic. And there was like two scumbags in the front flicking beer caps at the comedians. And I'm sitting there watching this.

And nobody's saying nothing. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? And I'm pissed. I'm like, the last one up. There's two people. You know, when you're starting comedy, you dream of the perfect scenario. I'm going to go down there. There's gonna be 200 people.

And on something that comes your time, there's two people. So half your fucking dream just went down the tubes. You wrote all these bad jokes, you know. And you go up there and now there's two guys footroom bottle caps at you. You're fucking frustrated. You got to get up at 7 to go to work and shit. And here you are at 1.15 in the morning on some bar or on fucking, what was it, root? Whatever the fuck it was.

So you throw a microphone at them? I didn't throw a microphone at them. I went up there and I go, listen, if you throw one more fucking bottle cap, it's over. And the kid threw a bottle cap and charged the stays. I got the microphone with the stand. I had an extension. I fucking blasted him with the microphone. The batteries came out.

He went down. His fucking buddy ran. Every time I saw Dave, I saw Dave Testrow years later, I had forgotten all about him. Harvey's in Portland. And Dave Testrow's like, hey Joey, how you doing? You're not going to hit nobody with the microphone, are you? They never let me back at club 56 or 52, whatever the fuck it was. But you never forget those nights.

You know, you go up there to pick up 20 bucks to get a bag of reefer or to have money for breakfast in the morning. This is what, you know, and Jimmy would call me all the time, him and his dude Andy Payton. There was this old hippie dude that was a genius. He went out and sold it. He said nobody wants to give me stage time fucking. I'll go out and put a county newspaper together to sell advertising and advertise my fucking bad rooms. And you would go up after line dancing classes, you know, karaoke at midnight and shit. But you know what?

You learn how to become a comic bro. And I'll never forget those guys. I remember I was in jail when I called Andy Payton to say, Andy, I can't make that gig December 28. They booked me for, why not Joey? I'm in fucking jail. Didn't you accept collect charges and shit, you fuck? What did you go to jail for? When I lived in Seattle for assault and other things.

The time you had like ecstasy with Josh Wolf and then got arrested? Yeah, they arrested me. I had just eaten a pit of ecstasy. At like eight in the morning. And it hit me when fucking I was getting fingerprinted. So I got no shirt on to fuck the Seattle thing. Dog, listen. When I tell people these things, you look at me weird.

That was the stripper. I was dating a stripper. Okay. And we had a restraining order against each other. All right. I had a restraining order against that bitch. She had a restraining order against me. Okay.

So she keeps calling me. Oh, I love you. I miss you. I missed her too. I dug the chicks. It was a fucking freak. She let me pull her hair and tie her up. Who let you tie them up and pull the hair?

That's tremendous. When you're young, I didn't know nothing about that. Fuck people straight. Women's pussy. She used to flip around and lick my asshole and blow smoke in my asshole. Wait. Wasn't what? Woman blow.

Yeah. Like she'd get like a straw. It was like some Chinese mythical shit. You know what I'm saying? Isn't she the one that you found tinfoil in her ass? I found tinfoil in her asshole one time. I didn't give a fuck. I just put on the counter and kept doing what I was doing.

It's got nothing to do with me. I don't know why. She had had like, you know those little Hershey's kisses? And she just was excited and ate the tinfoil by mistake. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. I didn't tell her. You don't embarrass somebody.

Excuse me before we get back to this. Why do you have tinfoil in your asshole? So we have a restraining order. I guess this is like three years of breaking up and going back and I go down to a house and this fucking Momo tells the neighbor that she sees me to call the police. We're in there fucking eating ass, the whole fucking thing. And all of a sudden I hear, Seattle police open up so I hide under the bed. And they're like, where's George?

He's like, they're not here. They come into the bedroom. But my stomach, when I breathe, is pushing the bed out of the bed. It's going up and down. I'm like, come off him under the bed. I came out with a fucking pyjama, a fucking nasty. So let me put pants on these motherfuckers, but no shirt. I had to eat the ecstasy like a 10.

This went down like a 11, 15. The ecstasy didn't kick into like 12, but the time I got to the police station without the shirt and they sat me in the holding cell, that's when the party started. And when they came and when they came to fingerprint me and take my pictures, I was fucked. I don't know if you ever take an ecstasy that's that part where you just feel heat in the back of your head. You just don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck anymore, right? They were taking pictures.

They fingerprinted me and my hand was going numb and shit. Oh my God. I would love to see those pictures. It was tremendous. We could get them. We could get them now. We should. They probably still got them.

Those are some fucked up times. The freaking first time you gave me mushrooms was at the comedy store and you didn't tell me what it was. Why would I want to? I thought it was a weird edible. Why would you ruin it? You know what I'm saying? You want somebody to call you and go, Joey, I don't know what happened.

I got home last night and I tried to go to sleep but I heard voices all night. I don't know what happened to me, you know. You're a lot of fun. That's why. Thank you. You're fun. Jimmy and Beta with the fucking hairdo of Doug. Look at them.

Smoking and shit tonight, Jimmy and Beta. Where you headed to tonight? You got another spot somewhere at the comedy store? It's Friday night. I actually got left here. They left you here? Yeah. Good.

So I don't know where I'm going after this. Perfect. Something to take this. I might just wander in this area. Rudy will put you up. Yep. Go ahead. Go talk to Rudy and shit.

You alright brother? Yeah, they're doing a taping for a show. Oh, look at that shit. Yeah. You didn't know that you're Jimmy and Beta? Jimmy, boom, boom, or Beta? Dropping bombs on your moms? No.

You don't get high, right Jimmy? Fuck carbo. No, not anymore. I had a bad experience. What happened? I didn't realize it was the acid that they gave me. Was it him? No.

No. It could have been you. It could have been you. What the fuck? Everything with him is 10 milligrams. There's no way this is 10 milligrams. This stuff nowadays over there in Colorado, the weed is... Did you try any of it while you were out there?

No, no, no. Oh my God. That stuff is... That's so good the whole time. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I brought back weeds from Colorado.

That's like bringing sand to the fucking ocean, you understand? Well, the other shit, the other way around. Yeah, but you know what you guys drive from Colorado? They drive from Colorado and they go out of state and now they're pulling them over because they think they're bringing weed out of the Colorado, see? Fuck yeah. That's the first time, and it's the first time that white people know what it feels like to get profiled. Can I get pulled over?

Oh shit. It's funny because a lot of people don't know. I was in Colorado years ago and the weed was always banging in Colorado. Always. It was different altitude weed. It's high altitude weed. They grow it up there outside. The fucking weed gets a lot more THC to it.

You let that motherfucker dry, you cut it with a scissor, you roll a paper and a half and bang that motherfucker out with some zigzag whites. What? What? Would it freeze me to hold that motherfucker? You just sit there and after like, ah, well, you're like, I can't do this no more. Oh my God, you ever smoke a fucking number and it's so good after the half, you don't want to stop. You think somebody's gonna steal it from you?

I gotta smoke the whole fucking thing. There's nothing you do without weed. I was telling the sound guy when we were setting up that when you go to mass on Sunday morning, you take a bong head before it. I will take a bong head before everything. I don't even have a bong. I don't even have a bong. Oh yeah, it broke.

No, I gave them all away. I've never been a fan of having a bong in my house and I'll tell you why because it shows too much commitment on my end. I had a bong one time. Somebody gave me as a gift. It was a rubber bong, a Colorado type bong. That time I was smoking bazookas. Bazookas, you cook cocaine in the microwave for 26 seconds. Exactly.

You run it through a fucking napkin and then you crack it into a cigarette. Colombian people put them in cigarettes at the clubs and drinking coffee and get all fucked up. And speaking politics and shit. I never wanted to be a foofoo guy. I was putting that shit in reefer and just hitting that motherfucker. And after a while one night we ran out of rolling papers and we took this bong to work, Jack. Wait, isn't that crack? Whatever.

You were smoking crack and weed at the same time? It wasn't like fucked up crack. Like I smoked crack for six weeks for about a long time ago. Yeah, about 15 years ago I hooked on crack for six weeks, not because I wanted to by mistake. Right on the corner there was Selma and fucking Orange were the superheroes. Get all fucked up. Why did the superheroes beat the fuck out of each other? Because they hate each other? No.

Because they dip in and smoke fucking crack. There's one guy that's on Felipe's podcast and they call him something. He used to live in my drug dealer's closet. Oh, the people in Hollywood? I thought you were talking about like superheroes, like in the movies. No. Superheroes in fucking Hollywood Boulevard. We were fucking thinking of dealing with Joey Bananas.

I was like, I don't like Superman's on crack. So the guy on Hollywood Boulevard that's the Hulk. Yeah. He used to live in my drug dealer's closet. This, you cannot write this. And if he beat the drug dealer at Nintendo, whatever the fuck they play, the drug dealer would tell him, get to the fucking closet, cocksucker, and don't come out. You beat me.

It was fucking hysterical. I'd get there like at one day, be arguing, he had the whole closet set up. It was the closet under the stairs. Like Harry Potter? He had a light in there. He hung his clothes on the wall. He had some pictures. And he slept right there at night.

He had a little fucking fan. I swear to God, my God, it was tremendous to see. Well, that's because when you go driving, you go down like the weirdest streets in Hollywood. They're like, that street's like an alleyway. Like he doesn't just do the normal streets. You never do like a map quest. You're going, you have me going down people's alleys. It's scary.

It depends where you go in Hollywood. I can cut you through Hollywood. It depends where the fuck you're going. If you got to go the other side, you take lower canyon, you sit like a stiff. But if you got to go the 101 side, I could cut you right through town without even knowing. I could even get you out of Hollywood Bowl until the 101 before the fucking people come up. That's how I wrote. Because why being trafficked?

You know what I'm saying? You just walked up the fucking hill and down the fucking hill. And I got to get in your car and be in traffic for an hour. Fuck you. We got to leave quick, cock-suck. I don't wait till the end of the fucking game. I think I'm staying in a weird neighborhood. I think I'm staying in a bad neighborhood.

Fuck you. Seventh and Alvarado. Oh, yeah, yeah. You could get mugged at any minute. Yeah. But you'll be all right. They're like big glasses. Jimmy motherfucking a baby.

This is a long time. Every time I call this motherfucker, he goes, when are you going to send you the tape of me and you doing the Latino slam with Carlos Mancey? I go, I don't ever want to fucking see that tape. You understand me? I don't want to watch any tape of me. I don't want to see nothing with me to fuck on it. It's that simple.

You know what we say to me? You want to watch the fucking thing? I'm so happy you still have it. Light it on fire. Any closing words, cock-suck? You should just sit there as usual. I'm so high. I don't know.

Everything. He's going to open up a store in about 10 years. And it's going to be called Joey Diaz's 33 milligrams. Everything. And no weed is ever over it. It's the new chef. This isn't going to do anything to you. He gave my dad a chocolate chip cookie that made him pass out on the plane.

He was driving 15 miles an hour, 1-5, in Florida on Route 95. 12 hours after you gave him a chocolate chip cookie. And you know what's crazy? I've been doing this all my fucking life, the people. I love fucking people up when I was a kid. When I was a kid, like when I was a freshman, my buddy used to go to East Trouseburg. And I would buy mescaline from him. That was fucking lethal.

And I remember like I was fucking maybe 16. And the people I was buying mescaline from were like college students. But they were fucking creeped up hill people that made this shit. And it would fuck you up. And when they'd sell it to me, they'd say, remember this is four-way acid. That means four people could do a tad. I'd sell them as a whole. Oh no.

I'd fuck motherfuckers up. And then the best thing I ever did was I used to hang out at this bar called Joan Mary's. And we'd go there every Friday night. And there was a janitor from high school that would come in there every Friday night. He was a fucked up janitor. You know, he always came in shaking and shit. So he would hang his jacket behind his day. And I was a klepto then.

So I would go up to him and talk to him about janitor skills. Who do you talk to to become a janitor? And I would pickpocket him. He always had a pill jar in his pocket. He'd go to the bathroom. He had valiums in there. And I'd take the valiums. I'd put the pill jar back in there.

And I'd give the valiums out to my buddies. And we'd eat the fucking poor janitor's valiums, right? I did this for about three, four weeks. And one day we were in there and we're all fucking coped up. And my friend's like, mug the janitor. Mug the janitor, right? So I'd go, hey, what are you going to do to become a janitor? He's been waiting for that question his entire life.

Oh, my God. And he stole his valiums. And he would give me his story over and over. And I said, it's a very good occupation, you know. You don't have to go, if you sign up to paperwork, I could do some on the job training and sweeping. And he was proud of his job. So I wouldn't mug him.

I swear to God. So I took these pills and I go in the bathroom. And there's no valiums. It's just a bunch of white pills, right? And they look like baby kway lutes. They look like kway lutes with little ones. I said, what the fuck? Take a chance.

Come on. Just take a random pill. I put it back in this pocket. I take all these white pills. And I just popped this white pill. They had to be maybe 20 of them in there, right? I popped one fucking white pill. And after about 20 minutes, I'm getting fucked up with the alcohol.

And it was like 10 to 2, 10 to 3. And it was perfect. I just went home. But a bunch of people were like, where are the valiums? And I thought, I got something better valium. I got baby kway lutes. They're like, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't make kway lutes no more. I know. These are baby kway lutes. Take them out. So I give one to everybody. There's like eight of us, whatever, six of us. I'd gulp them all up before I leave, right? I get home.

I take the pills. And I put them on the table. I don't know how many pills I have left. And I'm fucked up. At the time, I was at this Puerto Rican kid named Fernie, who was fucked up to me. I sleep all day Sunday guys, not even knowing it. Not even knowing it. I wake up Sunday night late, like one in the morning, hungry, thirsty.

And I get up in the room and spinning. Like I got no equilibrium on my hands and knees. And every time I try to get up, I'm barfing raw. And it's violently coming out of me. And I'm peeing on myself and shit. And I'm in the shower. This is horrible. And the refrigerator was upstairs.

And I'm like, oh my God. And I crawl upstairs. And I'm drinking water. And before it even goes through, bam, it's coming out of me. And I got to run back downstairs. And I just went back to bed. And finally, I woke up Monday afternoon, like I do. And I got up.

And I'm like, oh my fucking God, what was that? And I went to a charity. I got two hams, two eggs, toast, the whole fucking thing. My head was still spinning, but I had a little bit more control. I get back home and I look at the fucking answering machine. It's just blinking, right? You have 34 fucking messages. I pressed the button.

Coco, what the fuck with those pills? Beep, Coco, what the fuck? I almost died. I had to get the encyclopedia. Beep, Coco, you motherfucker. I'll never talk to you again. I've been puking. I'm fucking horrible.

And then beep, Coco, do you know what the fuck you gave us? Those are epileptic pills. When people go into a fit and shit, they can kill a mule. What the fuck were you thinking? Oh my God, people hated me for like eight months. Don't take nothing from Coco. Don't take nothing from Coco. My fucking God, that's terrible.

I was remembering that. I remember how bad I felt that day. Like, oh fuck, this is just embarrassing. I gave out these poor pills. But it wasn't the last time you gave out pills. Look, you kept doing it. And then years later, I went to New York to pick up like eight ounces of blow. And I came back.

I didn't taste the blow. I trusted them. And I tasted the blow and it tastes like cat piss. Oh no. And I cut it and gave it out. Fuck it, don't worry, it's perfect. Everybody came back the next day with swollen noses. What the fuck is in that shit?

I can't breathe, you gotta take it back. You can't return Coke? Oh my God, it was terrible. And I snorted the rest of it happy as shit. It took me like a year. I would save it for late, late, late, late, late nights. When there's nothing else around, we got that cat piss in the refrigerator. You keep it in the fridge?

I had to do something with that. I'm gonna have to disintegrate. Someone just said yes. Like someone like, yeah, you keep Coke in the fridge. Who? I don't know. Someone over there. I don't fucking know.

That's what old-timers did. They kept it in the freezer. Nobody thinks to steal your Coke in the freezer, right? They look through your pockets. You had that little aluminum foil under a little Brier's ice cream. Nobody knows nothing, right? Oh my gosh. How are you getting home?

Uber? Yeah, because these are, wait, these are so much stronger. What's happened to you? Huh? I've had you more fucked up driving home. I know, but it's scary. Who gives a fuck what's scary? You have a good time.

No, you're not driving home. You don't. Yes, you do. You get on that 134. Oh no. You're in that right lane. You put the blinkers on. And you mind your business.

As soon as people see the blinker, I'm like, look at this fucking asshole. Come on, people. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here? Yeah, but what if it's a cop? You're getting that right thing, put the blinker on, people don't know nothing. Even cops are like, look at this fucking asshole, because you're not speeding, and you're not going over the line. Just staying the mind your business.

Those idiots in the left lane. But it's such a long drive back to the studio city. No, it's not going to, it wouldn't ever happen. Yes, it would. You do it all the time. Oh, it's, because the right lane on the way back kind of disappears a few times. Like you have to keep moving over. I've taken the wrong exit like seven times, come to me.

He gets me so high. I always should fear the only time he ever got mad at me was leaving here, because we did the live podcast, and I had to go to work, but I was so fucking stoned. It's like, he drives 90 miles an hour like that. It's terrifying. Some people play video games. 90 miles. I fucking live at Cocksuckers.

I don't give a fuck. Thank you very much for coming out here tonight, guys. One more time, my man, Jimmy Obeda. I'll see you outside. We'll fuck around. You can give Leah a kiss. Fuck that Jimmy Obeda out there, Cocksuckers. .