Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #015 - Joey Diaz, Joe Rogan, and Lee Syatt - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live

Episode Date: November 27, 2014

Joe Rogan, Comedian and Host of The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, joins Joey and Lee Live. Recorded live 11/26/2014

No shame in my game, because I always do the same Stars upon stars upon stars is what I have You want me to- How you guys doing? Woo! Thank you very much for coming out. Let's just get it started. Coming to the stage, Joey Coco Diaz.

Woo! What's happening? You bad motherfuckers. Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you very much for coming out, you know what I'm saying? I'm happy there was no traffic and I was fucking pissed off. I'll run over a protester. I don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying?

I'll hit a fucking protester. If it's with me, seeing you guys, I'm hitting that motherfucker. I'll take that cocksucker right down. Fuck you, protesting. Stay home, write a note. Listen to black music, you know what I'm saying? I'm gonna fucking protest. Get the fuck out of here.

Get the memo. There's no future in protest. Protesting. There's no fucking future. You go out like an idiot. What? What? What the fuck? I'm gonna get dressed to go out and get pepper spray. That's a great fucking career.

We'll get pepper sprayed and kicked in the stomach. So I can tell people, get the fuck out of here, all right? Even a hooker got a purpose, you know what I'm saying? She gets a cum shot to her face, she's getting 50 fucking dollars. What are you gonna walk around and get pepper spray for free, you fucking dummy? Fucking pepper spray, like a fucking idiot and shit. Those are the saying, don't these people fucking do anything? Who finds time?

Like, you know what? Fuck the gym. Let's go down there and protest for Ferguson. Listen, man, it's fucked up, you know, there's nothing we can do, but me getting on the 10, stopping good people from going to work and gonna do fucking nothing, all right? Stay home. That's it.

Listen to Al Green. Now you know. Next time, pull a gun. What the fuck do you know about being a cop? What the fuck do you know about a fucking black dude coming at you? What the fuck do you know? Just you don't, neither do I. So move on with your fucking life, man.

Hey, let's go protest downtown and throw eggs at the cop. What's that gonna fucking do for you? A police record. Now you gotta go somewhere once a month and talk to some fucking Harvey Homo about what you did last week. Have you been protesting? What happens if you're... How the fuck, can you imagine getting like a misdemeanor in jail?

Like, I'm in jail next to you, I'm coped up and shit. What are you in here for, smacking a motherfucker? You know what I'm saying? What are you here for, running over a homeless guy? What are you here for, protesting? The whole room just shuts the fuck up and stares at this motherfucker like, do we smack you first or bit slap your fucking in the ass? Which one?

In what order? Fucking people. Sicking tired of fucking people, making me feel weird. Like, I gotta feel like a fucking... Like, when you watch TV, they always make you feel fucking weird, you know? That Sarah McLachlan with her fucking animals. You ever get stoned and that commercial comes on? You're like, you're ruining my fucking high, cock sucker,

with those ugly fucking dogs. I only got seven cats, fuck you and your fucking sad commercial trying to make me fucking feel bad, because you're a fucking moron. I'm over here in a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise. And you're fucking talking about dogs, getting beat up. What type of bitch are you? Put that shit on the morning, ruin somebody else's fucking day, you dirty bitch.

You know who really was trying to make me feel fucking bad, those ISIS victims? They come on, kid. Nah, nah, what the fuck? What the fuck? Why do I not fucking feel bad? Because mind your business. They don't want to go volunteer, mind your fucking business, all right? What the fuck?

And the parents, I'm telling you, he's a good boy. You know what my parents would say? Fuck him. Fuck him. You should have mind this, but I told him to stay in Jersey. He could have slept in the house, no rent. But no, he wants to go to Bangladesh and help fucking Arabs. Fuck them.

Get it together, cock sucker. Ha, ha, ha. At least the Mexicans just chopped your head off on YouTube. There was no drama, right? They hit you with a taco belt commercial. Fuck, that's it. It's over. Mexicans don't fuck around.

They're going to cut your fucking head off, not today. They don't stand there, black guy with a black suit on. I'm going to kill you with a fucking accent. Fuck no. They put you on TV. They put the camera on you. You blink three times and they chop that motherfucker off. And they sit there and cry and make me fucking feel.

You know what you, you know what, dawg? I'm no black belt karate. I don't fly through the fucking air. But I'm 306. You understand me? You want to chop my fucking head off? We're going to have a problem. I'm going to fucking go.

I'm going to grab one of you's by the fucking ear. You know what I mean? Or poke you in the eye. I'm just not going to sit there with you letting me cut you by fucking head off. Fuck you. I'll grab your dick so fucking hard. I'll twist it as you're chopping my head off.

I'll fucking bite that motherfucker. I'll bite your fucking dick while you're chopping my head off. You understand me? When my head hits the floor and my eyes blink like a chicken, your dick will be in my fucking mouth, cocksucker. I'll be a faggot in hell, but you'll be a, you'll be a dickless motherfucker. You understand me?

When I get the hell out, I'll get Satan that dick and tell him there's more what I came from, cocksucker. I love you guys. Thank you very much coming out here tonight. Coming to the stage, my main man, Lisa. Where's Rogan at? He out there somewhere. Go get him.

Tell him we're coming in here. The whole fucking family. Why we're fucking around tonight? These people are waiting to hear about Ferguson. They're waiting to hear about black people jumping up and down. Joe Rogan, come on up here, my brother. That's cool. Fuck around here.

Like I said, happy Thanksgiving to you fucking savages. My friends. A lot going on. Thank you. Like I said, thank you for driving around the protesters. Fuck those motherfuckers. There's no future in being a protester. It's all white people.

Is it? Yeah, it's white emo dudes who is like really like mediocre beards. That's just protesting boards and shit. They look at it banged. Mexicans white chicks. I want to see those sneakers. I want to see the mud on the sneaker. That's how I know the motherfuckers real.

He ran here. He saved those fucking sneakers. The Mexican dudes. You jumped the fence to get into America. You would never throw those fucking sneakers up. When you see a night commercial, you're like. Night. The fuck did night do for me?

I jumped over here with black sabatos and shit. Cost me two dollars at the market and shit those. Some fucking Jew made them down here somewhere. Joey Diaz will get you excited about shit you don't even agree with. They'll be like, no man, throw those fucking shoes out. That's evidence. It's got Mexican soil on it. You're gonna save your shit.

It's good luck. What's going on baby? Talk to me. I'm just mad at white people. I'm upset. What's going on with Bill Cotton? White people are shooting black people. White people are protesting.

It seems to be white people the problem. That Ferguson shit, you know, my buddy has a dealership date. I've been calling him every day to check up on him. It wasn't his dealership, was it? No, it was around the corner from him to lift that dealership on fire. And he said he goes, you know what? I served everybody who comes in here is pretty much black. So I'm not going to have a problem.

It's fucked up. They're going crazy everywhere. They broke into black businesses. They broke into the guy who the kid robbed before he got shot. They broke into his business and looted it. We're just waiting for the aliens to land at this point. Waiting for them to just give us a fucking bitch slap from the sky. Like you fucking dummies.

They looted a dollar store. It didn't even make sense. Like don't they usually loot TVs? They looted a dollar. Maybe there's some shit they specifically had their mind on. But the whole thing was that was a powder keg to begin with. You know, that place, there's no jobs. It's just a fucking.

Exactly. Exactly. And it was a powder keg. And you know what? Those people, whatever, we weren't there. We don't know what fucking happened, but they feel bitch slapped. So yeah, there's a lot of people that are looking in a superficial sort of a way where they're trying to like fix the problem. Like the cops shot the guy.

The cops bad. Let's fix this. The real problem is the area itself and the lack of hope. These people have no way to get out of there. It's horrible. If there's no jobs and everyone in your neighborhood's a fuck up and it's all crazy and chaos and everyone's a criminal, try growing up there and seeing your own way through it.

It's a one in a million person that recognizes the folly in that life. You know, it's hard. If you're a kid, it's hard to blame the kid. It really is. It's hard to blame any kid that grows up in that kind of environment. You're fucking surviving and you're doing whatever you can do and you're getting by with whatever you can get away with. That's the reality of our world.

And if we continue to ignore poor areas and continue to go overseas and fucking steal people's minerals and shit, you know, we're going to ruin life. We're going to ruin life. We go over to other countries and pretend it's super important that we get their oil. And meanwhile, we're letting the number one resource we have in this country is human beings. And we're letting a bunch of human beings just grow up in a fucking zoo. Just chaos, just so many problems, just arrests and cops and poverty and no jobs. And you ever see that Michael Moore documentary on Flint, Michigan?

No. It's so depressing. It's so depressing. It has nothing to do with white, black, just anyone. There's white people that are born in Flint, Michigan that were there working in those plants, those auto plants. And they pulled out of there and those fucking poor people were starving. It's just, it's dark.

You know, we have it super easy here in California, super easy here in LA. If you're living in a really bad neighborhood and shit just goes terribly wrong and you're stuck there and you're a little kid, who the fuck are we? You know, who are we to try to figure out what it's like to live that life? You know, I always tell people. Welcome to the comedy podcast here. We're always very fortunate. Trying to make you happy.

We get to travel a lot, you know. When you land in parts of Philadelphia, we see some fucking truth. Oh, yeah. You land in Buffalo. We see what, you know, economy is when, when you land in Pittsburgh and you're performing in Pittsburgh and they don't open up downtown until there's a baseball game. Downtown doesn't open unless there's a fucking baseball game. Buffalo is dead.

Cleveland is dead. These are places that it's just going to take anything to let them go off. You know, somebody shot some kid in Cleveland, unarmed kid in Cleveland, a Saturday night, a 12 year old with a BB gun. I don't know the whole fucking story. I'm surprised they're not going off there. Well, there's a 911 call and the 911 call is someone calling up the police complaining about this kid scaring the shit out of everybody.

He's pointing a gun and the guy in the 911 call says, I think it's fake. I think it's a fake gun, but I don't know. He's scaring the fuck out of everybody. He said shit like on the 911 call. And then they, they went and just shot him in two seconds. The cops pulled up and just started shooting in these 12. Yeah, it's fucking, this is the world we're living in. And not only that, imagine being a fucking cop.

Imagine your job is showing up. You're in an unbelievably impoverished neighborhood and you're showing up every day and someone's either shooting people or robbing someone. And it's just every day people are lying to you and you're just shell shocked. You mean you want to talk about PTSD? Guys get PTSD from six months in Iraq. You can get PTSD like a motherfucker for 12 years in the police force. If you're in the police force for 12 years,

who knows how that fucking guy's functioning? You know, we're, we're assuming they're keeping it together because, you know, we like base our ideas of cops on fucking movies or something, you know? You know what I mean? A real cop is a person and a person that has to be the enemy, the professional enemy with a fucking uniform that alerts everybody your presence in some fucking stupid car with bright lights. So everybody knows where you are.

And you're just traveling around near people who hate you and you're supposed to arrest them. Oh, good fucking luck. Well, how much has it changed? Because I have to listen to Joey talk about like cops would come and talk to him and let him go and now they're not doing that. They're just coming and shooting you. You know, I see in LA, I see a fucking traffic jam in LA.

And when you get there, it's a fucking cop car pulled sideways talking to a fucking homeless guy. What's the use? What the fuck is this? It's Monday at 8 in the morning. Lee, is this not true? The dad was yelling at the cops. From my car, he was yelling at cops in rush hour traffic

and I was on the way to breakfast. Move the fucking car. Move the fucking car. You can't be that fucking stupid. You're a police officer. So there's a 50-50 situation here. You know, once you get fucking jaded here, there's a 50-50 situation. By the way, on a Monday night, I might get a call to save a pregnant woman.

The chick's having a kid and I go up the stairs and some guy fucking shoots at me. I'm going to go home and go, Jesus Christ, I tried to help somebody. Somebody shot at me. That's in the back of my mind. You know what, from now on, when I get out of a car, I'm shooting first and asking questions later. I can see that happening. Yeah.

You can see that happening. You know, I've seen, I didn't see the interviews with George Satinopoulos, but I saw whatever the fuck his name is. George Satinopoulos, whatever it is. Ringo Starr, you know, Carrot Top, whatever the fuck his name is. You know that guy? He's not intimidating that white guy. Stephanopoulos?

No, no, the white cop, he's interviewing the guy that shot this kid. He's not an intimidating guy. You know, and this kid was six foot six and I don't know. I wasn't fucking there, but I could just imagine. I know what it is to be scared. And I know what it is to say, oh, he's coming back. I'm just going to shoot this motherfucker. Oh, you're coming back.

I'm going to go get a fucking back now. You want to come back? You want to come back? So there's a thousand situations that could have happened. Like I said, we went up there, but I can't imagine being in a car for $30,000 a fucking year. There's people that are looking at this. This is one of the things that's been disturbing me. There's something that's really transparent.

There's people that are looking at this as an opportunity to be down. Like as an opportunity to express your indignation, your anger at the system. And some of them are ridiculous. There's this one guy who is talking about, he's an old white dude. He's talking about there is no excuse. If a man is charging at every police officer, if they shot everyone who charged at them, there'd be thousands of people dead every year. Like, hey, dick, there are.

Like more people have died by cops than have died in Iraq. Is that true? Yes, yes. More than 5,000 people have been killed by cops since the Iraq war was going on. More than 4,000 Americans died overseas. More people have been killed by cops. So yeah, it happens. Stupid.

First of all, you're not even paying attention. He's not even Googling, okay? Like he's made a YouTube video with no Googling. Like, come on, man. So that's one thing. And two, like, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Because about 250 pounds or something like that. Six foot six, 250 pound guy who you already shot is running at you.

And he shot him in the head. And you're telling me you shouldn't shoot him again? What are you fucking crazy? You really think you're going to stop him from taking your fucking gun? What are you fucking, Steven Seagal? What are you going to do? Do you know some shit I don't know? Because I'm shooting them.

If I shoot somebody and they're running at me, I will keep shooting until they stop running at me. That's generally how I operate. I'm not saying he was justified in shooting the kid, but this fucking idiot in this video saying that he should have been able to handle him without shooting him after he shot him four fucking times already and the guy's still running. That's fucking Michael Meyer.

That's some Halloween shit. He's still running. That guy's shit in his pants. He's a white guy with a weak chin. Okay. He's white like paper. He's got red pubes. They're fucking on fire as this guy's running at him.

His butthole is like literally clinched to the point where his legs are numb and he's just unloading. Now, where do you shoot him the first time? I don't know if it was the first time they got twice in the head. I heard that. That's if you shoot him once and they move, you shoot him again. That's what you do. Now, what happened to shoot him?

I mean, I'm not saying he should have shot him but I'm saying like this idea that like somehow or another he's going to be rational while he's shooting a guy is fucking crazy. He's the middle of a life or death struggle allegedly. All right. It's one of two stories you believe. You believe that he's a cold-blooded assassin and he just set out to kill this kid and he could have avoided it or you believe that he freaked out and the guy was chasing him

and he shot the guy and then after it's over, everybody starts rioting. That seems more likely, right? I mean, I don't know what the fuck happened. I wasn't there but I would hope that he's not like some cold-blooded killer and I would hope that what everybody's doing by overreacting instead of thinking about this one cage, let's just talk about police brutality in general because there's plenty of evidence of police brutality that's accurate and real and we should look at it in terms of why these people freaking out like that

and the job might be fucking too much, you know? It might be too much for a lot of people. Did you see that video where the guy beats the chick up on the highway in LA? Yeah, yeah. She's walking down the street. He grabs her, throws her on the ground, starts fucking Mark Coleman-ing her. He's ground and pounding her on the highway and someone was filming it and he didn't know they were filming it.

Like that guy, what the fuck? How do you, how can you do that? Oh my God, they hit him away and they said it's under investigation. Let me ask you something. What's the fucking investigation? You punch him in the head, you put the handcuffs on. He should have mounted her, first of all. He's in the half-guard.

She's, she's blocking a lot of his shots with her. He's got shitty technique. He didn't even have to hit her. Guys, she was just arm barter. I saw a lot of police brutality growing up, never on me. But I saw it in the, in the, in the Bergen County jails and like in, you know, the tombs where the motherfuckers come in and they're bleeding from the head and they're still talking shit.

Like fuck you bitch. Yeah. Like I'm still standing motherfucking, they throw them in the cell and like you're not getting stitched up after court. I don't give a fuck bitch. I don't give a fuck. Fuck you and the judge. I'm being in that Bergen County jail one night and we both went for bail.

And this guy was fucking the droplets. We're dropping from his fucking head. They wouldn't help him. They wouldn't help him. And he was sitting in the droplets and he's like, you know, I'm still bleeding your honor. And the judge wouldn't even believe like he was talking. So I've seen it right there, right next to me.

Once I see a guy bleeding the cell, I don't say shit. I didn't say a fucking word the rest of the night. They bailed my ass out. I wasn't scared of the fucking jail. So I was scared this guy bleeding all fucking night because I'd snap eventually. But I've seen police brutality and I've seen when 10 cops come to break up a fight. No doubt. And you turn around and boom, they hit you in the police stick.

They busted my buddy's nose one night. So I've seen it, you know, but again, I'm not on the other side of that fucking car. I don't know when I'm coming out of there. I don't know what to expect. So I'm coming out of swimming. So things have changed people. We got animals out there. We got fucking real deal animals.

I think, you know, it's obviously a tremendous tragedy because a kid lost his life and he could have grown up to be a great person. He could have had a different path and been a great person. So it's obviously a tremendous tragedy. But the biggest tragedy is that everybody's looking at it as like this one incident. That's not the biggest tragedy, but one of the parts of the tragedy that disturbs me. Is that everyone's looking at this one incident. But it's an, we got a real problem in like bad neighborhoods all across the country.

Camden, New Jersey doesn't even have cops anymore. In Detroit, you could buy a house for $400. Like we went to Detroit to film that sci-fi show. It's, it's crazy. I mean, you can't believe how poor, they're basically camping. You're running into a lot of people that are camping in a city. I mean, that's essentially how people are living. And it's not just a few.

There's no jobs. I mean, it's supposedly coming back to some sort of renaissance. That's our real issue is raising kids up in poverty and crime and raising kids up around poverty and crime. They grow up and they become a part of the same. They perpetuate the same thing that they've seen their whole life. It's a cycle. That's the horrific thing. I mean, not just that this kid lost his life.

That's absolutely horrific. Not just that, you know, that whole place is just riddled with violence and crime. But it's just like, there's almost no way out of it. You know, there's almost no way to fix it. And that's why a lot of these people are up in arms, you know, Detroit, because they got nothing else to do. They've seen it. They've already been kicked in the fucking balls. They lost their plant.

Their plant moved to China to make Hong Kong, whatever the fuck they're making. You know, their 16 weeks of fucking unemployment ran out. Obama didn't give them a fucking extension. You know, they've already refinanced their fucking house. What's left, guys? What's left to go out there and fucking burn stuff? And oh, we're going to disvert. I bet you there's half of those people just want the guilty verdicts.

They go get a new TV or a new fucking skateboard or something. That's what they do, looting. I'm never looting. Yeah, that was the weirdest thing that I saw was not just a looting, but I saw, there's, I follow a lot of like weird people online that I don't agree with, but I'm just interested in their point of view. Like, I follow a lot of like really super hardcore progressive people, like super hardcore liberals, super lefties. And this one dude was saying that private property is only protected if people respect you. And I guess people didn't respect these corporations.

And then it said fuck the police. And I was like, what? Like, and there was like a fucking H&R block with a rock through its window. And then there was a picture of a BMW dealership that said fuck corporations and that it had its window smashed. And this guy was like retweeting that like, yeah, like you fucking idiot. You're using the corporation to make this message on your stupid phone. You fucking dummy. Like that's a corporation that'll make your phone corporation to put together the internet corporation made the computers that are servers.

You need a car to get around corporations make those cars. Like BMW is not evil. They're making nice cars. That's it. You don't have to throw a rock through their window because the kid got shot in another state. Like that's fucking ridiculous. And then to write fuck the police on that. No, you just fucked BMW over.

The police weren't even involved. It's like this weird thinking. Like, we're going to burn this motherfucker down. You live here. If you burn it down, you live here. Maybe it was Jewish and he had a complete different set of issues. You know what I'm saying? It's good possibility.

The street he goes fuck the fuck. Keeps a grudge. I'm going to throw this rock through fucking BMW. That's an old school grudge. They used to make Nazi engines for airplanes. Yeah, no shit. That's it. Didn't Volkswagen wasn't Hitler driving a convertible Volkswagen way back then?

I think Hitler had an Audi too. I think they had like some Audi race car they made for Hitler. It's worth like a billion dollars or something now. It's a cool looking little like tic-tac box with wheels. They had stupid looking cars back then. Meanwhile, you know Bill Cosby that I'm going to thank God that shit in Ferguson is going down. It takes the heat off me for five fucking days. You know he is saying that.

He was like, ooh, he was praying for that motherfucker to come back guilty. He's in a fucking cave right now with dirty movies. Burning that fucking chemistry set and shit. Because you know he was making them homemade Kuey-ludes and shit. He was double dosed and those motherfuckers, dawg. I've done some creepy shit mind they. I've never dosed a person's drink, dawg. I've given them aspirin and told them it's coke.

You know what I'm saying? Whatever gets a blow job at four in the morning. That's American ingenuity given a freak. Because I'm saving that rock because I know for sure you're sucking dick. You understand me? I might bring you home, you might have a boyfriend and I'm throwing worthless coke at you. That shit ain't going to happen. You think I'm fucking kidding you, dawg.

I used to be. You think I'm fucking with you. I had a girlfriend. I had a little freak on the side that I would go over there and eat a little monkey when I was coked up. Put coke rocks on a pussy and shit. And when that bitch had a period I would stay fucking clear from that house and shit. She'd be calling me, come over, fuck you. You got a little fuse down there.

I'll catch you next week. I ain't wasting coke on that. She was just shaking her head in disgust. She was like, this motherfucker. What's wrong with the period? Why are you so upset? What are you scared of? Fuck that noise.

They got that fucking bloody thing. I ain't coming over. Fuck you. I'll save my coke rock and jerk off. I don't give a fuck. Because even if you suck my dick, I can't finger bang you while you're sucking it. So I just got that one hand up. Fuck you.

Vote for me. I don't need that shit. I want to grab something. You're a little girl piss on you. You're a little girl piss on you, but you won't fuck a girl with a fucking... You seem concerned. He yells at me every week. You need to lick an asshole.

You need to let it go piss on you. Don't listen to him. Listen to me. I can translate. He doesn't mean everything he says. A lot of things he says are just funny. There you go. Me?

I'm sure. There's a lot of moments in my life that are really cloudy. I look back and think. I'm not sure. I'm not exactly lying to myself, but a lot of shit that happened. If you go over your own life, you ever talk to somebody whose memory of an event was totally different than yours? Like, one of us is fucking crazy. I know who the fuck it is.

You have a story that's very different than the one I've been fucking bouncing around my head. When you start out in booze and weed, and then all of a sudden you're home, you're like, what happened? There's those moments where you're in bed. You're like, okay, I guess we made it. And you're just kind of waking up. And you're like, check your cars. No blood on it.

Okay, okay. Didn't hit anything. How the fuck did I? Okay, whatever. I saw a guy Thursday night in Philly I hadn't seen in 30 years. And after the show, we hugged and a bunch of guys and we took pictures and he pulled me aside and goes, the last time I saw you, you had a bag of coke with a bloody nose, a ripped jacket, and a thousand dollars cash.

You were living under a rocket ship. And I'm like, you're fucking cloudy, Jack. There was no thousand dollars. You understand me? Why would it be under a rocket ship if I had cash on me? He goes, you're right. You've come a long way. And I know I was under a rocket ship at a park.

You know those parks that have rocket ships? You slept under that? And I went under there because I thought the cops were looking for me. And I just went under there with a bag of coke. I was bleeding from my nose and I just kept wiping it. I would wipe it and put a coke rocket on my nose and just hold it. And that's what he came by. He's like, what are you doing?

Hold on. Hold on one second. Let's get this coke dissolved. Next thing you know, he's watching you in a fucking kids movie. Yeah. Can you fucking believe that shit? The dog who saved Christmas? I watched that shit with my kids.

They love you. It's hilarious. I told them their mother was out of the room. I go, if you only knew what a freaky is. And they're like, what does that mean? Nothing. It's crazy. He's just crazy.

They're six and four. They haven't figured that shit out. Oh my God. That's so funny. They love you, dude. They love you. They love those kids movies. And knowing you as long as I've known you and all the crazy stories

you told me, I fucking howl when I see that you're in a kids movie. I'm like, do these motherfuckers not have the internet? Do you have any idea? One day, one of those moms is going to Google, he was so funny in that movie with the dog. The dog who saved Christmas. What's his name? It's Joey Diaz.

And they go directly to a video of Joey's balls. What am I saying? How is this on the internet? This is not the same guy from the dog movie. Oh no, kids. That could be a real fucking problem. You've done five of those. They're like little bombs waiting to go off.

They don't know. You know, someone's going to get fired at Disney. They're going to get fucking fired. And the best is when I go to those Disney parties and they hug me. Tell me how funny I am. And I'm like, if you only fucking knew. I just want to hand them a business card that has the exact podcast where you talk about using your fingers to pull tinfoil out of chicks ass

where you're banging her from. Oh my God. But I don't know how. Like this is why I have no trust in the system anymore. Like I lost trust. When people tell me this, I think things are going to shut up. Nothing's going to happen. All right.

I've done this a thousand times. Just look straight, shut your fucking mouth. Years ago, they caught a producer. This is from Nickelodeon on one of those shows where they leave the door open. You come in naked looking for the kid and you sit there like. To catch a predator. This is a true story. They caught one of the producers from Nickelodeon.

So now when you go to Nickelodeon, you have to do a background check. They don't even hire you. So they caught a pedophile that worked for Nickelodeon to catch a predator. Catch a predator. And they got out there. So when you go to Nickelodeon for a thing, you don't go to a casting director no more. You go to Nickelodeon. Before they give you the size, you do a background check.

So once I did the background check, I was like, there's no use in me sitting here. Like, I should just go home. But I go, I already drove here. Let me read for the fucking role. So I went in red. They were all giggling and I put it down. I go, that's great. You know, because once the police report comes back, this tube gets thrown in the garbage, right?

I got a call two days later. They hired me not for one episode, but for three. And they love me. I tell them, we love you. Oh my God. Like, it's, it's fucking amazing how I keep passing. Did you ask them? No, I, I shit shot my fucking mouth.

I don't say nothing. I don't claim my ability because then if they come to me, they go, Mr. Diaz, we have to speak to you. You got a conviction for kidnapping, whatever. I could always go, what name did you look at? Jose Diaz. Are you fucking crazy? Listen, don't believe that. There's a thousand Jose Diaz.

It's Joe. It's John Smith in the American language. Jose Diaz is John Smith in the American language. If they look deeper by the time they look, I'm done already. I've already shot the movie. I've eaten the crab service. I stole the shirt. I'm on my way home.

You understand me by the time they get the FBI and the FBI NCIC, I'm already done NCIC. Yeah, but I know all the agencies. You got to know the animal you're dealing with, but it's amazing. You know, when you get a plane ticket now, as soon as you log your name and that thing, it's over. They're looking at satellite from fucking Russia. Seriously, a lot of people, when you go to the hospital, they do a background check. As you're getting stitched up and they're taking the fucking glass out of your ankle,

when you come out and say, excuse Mr. Diaz, there's a guy here to see you. You know, it's that quick, but I can't believe that Nickelodeon hired me. I'm not mad at them, but this is just to let you know. Just take the chance. Who gives a fuck? Deny it till the end. Make them pay for the deep, deep, deep background check. Don't you think they'll do it like with show business that they give you a little bit of extra room

because they want someone who's a character. A lot of times characters have like really fucked up backgrounds. So they look at you and they go, yeah, but it was like 25 years ago. Yeah, it was a long fucking time ago. What year was it that you got out? You got out in 88. No, 91. Okay, so that's 24 something years, right?

That's a long time. I got in trouble in Seattle. Now in Seattle, this is very interesting. I got into a misunderstanding at a bar. And there was a cop upstairs, but he was Puerto Rican from New York. So when he ran down, he pulled me off the guy. And when I slammed his back, there was like six of those guys and it was me and Ron Reed. At the time I was maybe 36 and Ron Reed was my age.

Now, basically an old fucking man with glasses. Ron Reed weighed 120 pounds. I was so fucked up at that time in my life. I was going through a divorce. I was broke. I was living in an office. I went and grabbed that cop's gun on the way back. I grabbed that motherfucking gun from my left hand.

I was like, I'm going to shoot one of these bastards now. And he grabbed my hand and he goes, think about what you're doing. Never came up with a police report. But when I slammed him back, that's the first thing I went for. I thought he was that cool that he would let me pull the gun out and shoot him. Back to my fucking mind. You know, it was like lethal weapon when he gets the gun. Him and the black guy at the end, they shoot the fucked up guy.

But this is shit that, you know, how lucky am I? Like when I see this shit, I'm going for a gun. That's why I want to know this kid's police record. The kid in Ferguson. Yeah, I want to know. You know, you start off slow. You rob a doctor's office. You shoplift.

You assault somebody. Then you go for a cop's gun. He was 18. But you know what? That's the society that that motherfucker lives in. Yeah. So you follow me? Yeah.

So what if he would have gone for his utility gun and shot me in the back when I was going for his service revolver? Because that's how fucked up I was. I thought that if I went for the gun and shot him, this cop would go, yeah, there were six of them and they'd stick up for me, whatever the fuck. So same fucking shit, people. I'm really stoned. I don't know where I'm getting at with this.

But that's why. You know what you're saying? And you're a really good example of how someone can be in a bad place and do a lot of fucked up shit, but be a very good person. And I think we don't ever want to consider that. We want to consider that this kid did some bad things or he robbed somebody. He's a bad kid. But I think you have to look at the environment that they're developing in, that they're growing

up in. Always. I've given people that second chance because I've thought about my life and I know where I was. Once your central nervous system and belief breaks down, most people don't come back from that, guys. Bless you, dude. Bless you.

Bless you. I ain't lying. Let me ask you this because you've been through it. You've been like, you know, you're a great, upstanding member of society and you were a criminal at one point in time. You are. You're a family man now. You pay taxes the whole deal.

You know, like what could be done? What could be done for those kids, for the Michael Browns that are out there in the world that are just in this terrible situation? You've been there. One fucking word. That's hope. Right now I'm dealing with a friend of mine who was a kid who tried to house himself. And the kid, the parent called me, you know, but what's going on?

I go, listen. Do you have any idea what it is to be raised without a father? You fucking don't. Okay? You fucking don't. She's 18. She's never met her fucking father. You know, she's been raised by her grandfather.

You know, you have questions. You have doubts. You're acting out. She's cursing. She didn't try to ice herself. She took cough medicine. That's what they turned it into. But they found out she's drinking.

You know, whatever. People have to. I always want people to check that. What's he going through? In my situation, I had lost a parent. I lost one word, bro. Hope. All you need today, I called the guy and I thanked him.

I wished him a happy Thanksgiving, who saved my life in 1984. Right now, 30 years ago, I was in hell, guys. You have no fucking idea. I was living in people's basements. I had a winter jacket that was ripped. You know, I was doing blow every night. I would sneak into people's houses in the daytime and take showers and take one of your T-shirts. You have no fucking idea.

And one day I bumped into this guy on the street that was a teacher of mine. And he pulled me aside. He looked at the fucking shape of you and I worked this drug dealer over and I robbed him and I called Mr. T and Mr. T picked me up. And he didn't change my life, but he slowed me up for 30 days, 60 days. For me to take a look and I stopped doing blow for a year. But he saved me. I called this guy today. He gave me one word.

He gave me hope. You know, he talked to me, he told me what was going on and I believed him and it put me on the right track, yeah, for a while. But I always had hope after that. Even when I went to prison and I was looking at nine years of shit, I was like, I'll come out from those nine years and I'll turn my life around. Just a little bit of hope. Just somebody to believe in. Somebody to believe in you. Once somebody starts talking to you and you find out they lie to you, then goes your hope.

There's so many little things when you're 18, 19, you have no fucking patience for them. You know, I destroyed the little family I had left with lies and shit because of my anger towards them. They didn't give me enough when my mother died. They didn't call me every day. I was furious. I robbed my godfather. The guy who put water in my head and the fucking thing at a church, you know, because he didn't call me for two years. You know, I was so angry.

And I look at that now. I didn't rob my fucking godfather, you know, $20,000 because I hated him or because I was a thief. It was because of the anger that was in my heart towards him. So that's it. It's just hope. You gotta give a kid fucking hope, man. You know what I think is also important to think of, and I don't think most people take this in consideration when you think about people that are in a life of crime, is that it's very likely if you lived their life and took all the steps that they took and all the things happened to you that happened to them,

went to the same places, did the same things, you would be them. You would be them if you lived their life. And we don't think that way because we always think of our life and like, hey, I would never do that. Right, because you live in fucking Altadena. You know, like, it's nice there. You know, you have a fucking Toyota, it works, you get to school, everything's fine. You got a part-time job. I'm not fucking robbing cops, right?

But if you lived that kid's life, it's very possible you'd be doing the exact same thing. We don't like to think of that. People like to think of everybody as being, we were all unique in our own environments and unique in our own life experiences and our genetics and everything. But the reality is, if you were living that guy's life, it's very likely you would do the same thing. Like, what makes someone exceptional and what makes someone stand out? And a lot of times, it's not just who they are inside, but it's also their environment. And the things that they learn and the people that they emulate and the positive forces around them is what a lot of times makes great people. And a lot of times, bad people, you would be that person too if you lived their fucking life.

And we don't want to think about that because we don't have to. You know, I don't have to live your life. You know, I was, I went to high school in Newton, Massachusetts. Like, I wrote in my high school yearbook, Fast Times at Hebrew High. It was like, it wasn't dangerous at all. They were nice, you know. It was like mostly Jewish school. They said that that was offensive though.

They wouldn't let me put that in there. I'm like, why can't I say that? That's not even mean. It's true. There's like a lot of Jewish people. Like, a lot of my friends are Jewish. Why can't I say that? It's offensive. Okay.

So, I didn't put it in there. But my point is, if I lived your life, it's very likely I would be doing the same fucked up things that you were doing. And if you lived my life, you know, whatever. I blame, I blame environment in a lot of ways. But then, look at Lee's girlfriend. She's from fucking Guadalajara, downtown. You know? Right.

You know? A husband, a mom and a dad and two people living in the house. You know? I mean, Lee, you told me last night they looted. Yeah. During the Rodney King riots. They were poor. They were poor.

They were, they were here from Mexico and they were fucking, I was talking to them and the mom is like, from Mexico. And she said, her nieces and nephews, the best job is to be in the cartel. And moms want their daughters to marry people in the cartel. Because they're the only people with money. They said it's actually not a bad life, but it's fucking... If you're in that environment, right? If you're in that environment, it becomes normal.

I was just in Mexico City, man. Super nice people. Like, the nicest people ever. They're jammed into this place. Like, they weren't even honking. Like, they have gridlocked 24 hours a day. Like, during rush hour especially, nobody stops for red lights. They just kind of like fucking merge.

And nobody freaks out. Red lights are like suggestions, you know? But that's their life, you know? Even if you're over there for a few days, it becomes normal. It's like, well, this is how we drive, you know? Nobody, like, those things that they put in like, white neighborhoods, like keep this clear, the fuck out of here. Nobody...

They would laugh at you in Mexico. Oh, look, we're not supposed to go into there. But if you go into there, then you're never going to get over there. Fuck this, they just go. It's just chaos. Like, people want to cross, they just have to just smush in. And then everybody waits, and then they smush in more, and fucking cars go by. And they jam them in.

That's their reality, though. If you lived there, that would be your reality. Like, I get that people want to engineer our reality in a better way. Because they don't like police violence. And it's a huge problem. But it's also a problem, there's so much fucking crime. It's also a problem, there's no hope. It's also a problem, the extreme poverty is the real problem.

More so, and maybe the cause of a lot of the violence, both from the cops and from other people. There's just craziness there, you know? We're lucky, we're here in Pasadena chilling at the ice house, you know? There's nothing going on here, everything's cool. Everybody's friendly, you know what I mean? This is luckiest shit, we're in a good spot. In the summer of 75, I was hanging out on my block giving that terrace, right? And I was hanging out with these dudes playing stickball, whatever.

Kicked the can of a bunch of crazy little Italian motherfuckers, there's the Notties and shit. And there's this family of the Clemens, there was like eight white dudes in the house, never very nice. They were very mechanically inclined, but the word got out that they had fleas. And that's always bad, right? When the word gets out that the family has fleas, oh my god. Parents in the 70s, that's like having VD now, like Clementia, oh my god. So even the fucking, you know, in Spanish, the Spanish people were saying, Psst, Clemito tiene biojo, right?

His name was Mike Clemens, right? But the Spanish people would tell the white kids, psst, don't hang with him. Clemito tiene biojo. So the word got out, but the white kids were telling other white kids in Spanish Clemito tiene biojo, right? So Anthony Balsano, we were playing one day and I guess Clemens tackled him and he goes, get off me, bro. You got fucking biojo's and shit.

So the kids are like, what's biojo's? What the fuck is that? He goes, fleas, motherfucker, your whole family got crucas, even the fucking girls. It's like the fucking marines in that house, right? So they got into a fist fight in the street. This is a true story. Psst, the Clemens came out and he grabbed Anthony off his kid and he goes, get the fuck out of you, get him, motherfucker.

And he goes, I'll be back in five minutes with my father, right? And we're all hanging out. Me, a bunch of a speciale, Valentín Ferro. Valentín Ferro was a Spanish kid that his mother used to whistle from. But it was like a dog whistle. Nobody heard it except Valentín. He could be 18 miles away. We could be in a motorcycle.

I got to go. Valentín, where the fuck are you going? We're robbing a motorcycle. Come on, man. All right, we're all hanging out. A bunch of us fucking throwing awesome cop's car come up. Two police cars and unmark one and unmark one, right? Carmine gets out of the car.

Mr. Clemito comes out. He goes, get the fuck out of my black car mind. It was a thing beside kids. Get the fuck out. And Mr. Balzano's like, open up the fucking thing, you know, because they had the screen door. He's like, open up the fucking screen door. I want to talk to you. He goes, Carmine, go home.

I'm telling you right now. Now, all the neighbors in the block came. I was like, Carmine, go home. I'm telling you right now. Nothing happened. I'm going to call the police because we are the fucking police. I just want to know what the fuck happened. I'll get out of here.

He fucking opens up the screen door and he grabs Mr. Clemito. Mr. Clemito pushes him. He goes, that's fucking a soft-hand cop. They put the handcuffs on him right in broad daylight. Four at 15 in the afternoon. He turns him around. He starts a bit slapping him. Right?

Bah! Bah! Bah! All of us were like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. He uncuffed him. Mr. Clemito's went down. The family came out.

They were like, the bandage, let me shit. Mr. Bazan looked at us. He's going, any problems here in the neighborhood? No, they said nothing. We all went into the house and shit. Mr. Clemito's got up and he's like, I'm calling the police. We are the police. Shut the fuck up.

They all got in the car. They backed out of there and he's for years. That guy's like, I'm calling the police. That was police brutality. He had ice in his head. That's it. The neighborhood's going to shit. And everybody went in their house and mined their business.

Till today, Mike Clemens won't be my friend on fucking Facebook. For years, I've been trying to Facebook that motherfucker. Because me and Mike were tight and shit. But me and Carmine were tighter. Mike was good with a bicycle. Mike was the type of kid that come over your house. They're like, Mike, what's wrong with my bicycle? Get on it.

Coco, you got to put oil on the chain. You know what I'm saying? You got to turn the bike around and all the chain feeding shit. You got to tighten this. You got to tighten this. You got to put a banana split. I think I have a washer in my house. It was a nice guy.

So I feel bad because that was the first time I saw it. It was hilarious to me then. But now it's pretty fucking sad because it kind of broke up a neighborhood. It was fucking crazy. He just started smacking them. This dude just fell down like a cartoon thing and he just uncomfortable left and there. And the family came out. They threw him on their lawns and shit.

Wasn't that like your first day in the neighborhood? No, no. What happened the first day you went out? Another fight happened. Same thing. Another fight with them. Every time there was a fight, you know, when you know your father was a tough guy in a cop, you're going to push the envelope a little bit.

You know, and Anthony always would go out, get into a face fight and tell the fucking adults, go fuck yourself. Fuck you. I'm going to get my father. Let's see how tough you are. I'm on the fuck head. And within 10 minutes the fight. Three times I saw him.

I saw him beat a gym teacher up. I missed the tutorial. I saw him beat a gym teacher up. The next day they taught, the next day they, this was in the seventh grade, he beat them up when he was in seventh grade because again, the kids were saying, Coco got a moco. I was playing kickball and I was kicking the ball and all the white kids were saying, Coco got a moco. And he kept saying, don't talk Spanish on my fucking gym class.

So that was the wrong thing to say. They're like, what the fuck are you getting at, motherfucker? He goes, I don't want to hear Spanish, which was correct. It's America. Speak fucking America. He was just trying to prove it for me. It's the truth. It's fucking America, cocksucker.

Agree. My mother would always tell me, you can speak Spanish in the house. Don't be speaking Spanish out there. I don't want these fucking people to look down on you. Speak your fucking language. You're American now. She wouldn't even let me talk with that fucking Rick and Ricardo list. I'm serious.

They took that shit away from me at an early age. There was a sign of fucking, man, how are you doing? Fuck no. I'm a fucking American, cocksucker. So, I remember before that, years earlier, it was a teacher, Mr. Fontana. Two kids were speaking Spanish on the baseball bus. He told them to shut the fuck up. They didn't shut the fuck up.

He threw them off the bus. The kids had to walk 40 miles. 40 miles? Yeah, that was a big issue. Wait a minute. It was a big fucking issue. Were you going to school out of state? No, we were playing, you know.

Let's say you were from North Bergen and you played baseball in seaside heights. It was 60 fucking miles. So, he really made them walk 40 miles? I guess they called the parents after 20 miles. What would you do to that teacher if he did that to your kid? It was a different society then. See, I don't know what's going on with Adrian Peterson. I know he got in trouble for hitting this kid.

I don't know what extent. But when I was growing up, if you went home and you told your parent you got in trouble, your parents smacked the fuck out of you first. Then they took you to school. And then when they found out what happened, they fucked you up again. So, do you understand me? Like, parents were like, what? No, no, no.

Wait a second. You didn't get thrown off the bus. Bam! And they started smacking it. So, you were scared to call your parents in those days because, you know, so it was different. So, that kicked that off. And I remember eating dinner with my mom one day. In the town of the store.

And she's like, he's right. He's America. Speak the fucking language. It was a different era. It was a different era. People hit their kids back then. It was normal. Like, everybody hit their kids.

When my parents were growing up, everybody got hit. I mean, they all talk about it. They're like, they would laugh at someone saying, do you hit your kids? Like, who doesn't? So, then my parents sort of deviated from it a little bit. They kind of sort of stopped hitting their kids. They only hit me a couple of times. And then, I don't hit my kids at all.

But my kids hit me. My daughter will fucking leg kick me. Hard. Like, she knows how to throw leg kicks. I taught her how to pivot. So, like, she'll come and I told you I want to play Go Fish. Whack! And she'll fucking hit me with an Anderson Silva to the thigh.

I'm not kidding. She fucking leg kicks me hard. It's hilarious because she's six. Around ten, it's not going to be funny anymore, right? It's going to be like, hey, bitch, that shit hurts. Like, at six, it's just silly. But, yeah, they're not scared of me at all. My dad was fucking terrifying when I was a little kid.

The power of the belt is so strong. I want you to think about this. I don't know how old you guys are, what age bracket, but the power of the belt is so strong that sometimes when you see Scarface, the most, you know, the movie Scarface, the first scene when they cut the shoulder off is very, like, you fucking, when you saw it in the movie theater, you fucking breathe him, but the beauty of Scorsese is one of the most deepest scenes in fucking good fellas.

You know, he's whipping them with the belt. If you're for real, you fucking cringed up in that chair. He fucking comes over with that belt. If you're for real, and you've ever got hit with a fucking belt, you know, you fucking cringe up. That's a real scene, Jack. Well, you can hear that belt fucking whipping. That's tremendous fucking, you know.

I mean, it's not Denzel and Glory, but, you know, Denzel and Glory is tremendous. You know, it's too... Nobody could take that shit. That little skinny girl in 12 Years of Slave. Nobody could take those type of beatings now. Well, how about you go back to Roots and Kunta Kinte when they made him change his name to Toby?

Damn. Do you remember that shit? What's your name? Wap, Kunta Kinte. What the fuck? We were watching it on TV going, oh, holy shit, they're making him change his name. Whipping him until he changed his name.

How powerful was Roots? Oh, my God. Child, you fucking... Oh, my God, you didn't want to leave the house the next day. You're a god. How many dudes convinced their girlfriend that you don't have to go to the church to get married and just jump over this broom like they did in Roots?

Remember, they jumped over the broom. That's how they got married. They would jump over a broom together. They probably made that shit up for the movie, just because it was like some Hollywood shit. Roots was like a fucking spectacular on ABC. After the second night, you didn't leave the house. They did two of them.

We were kids. They did that one in a show called Rich Motherfucking Man, Poor Man with Nick Nokia and shit. Damn! Damn! But Roots was like a cultural event. Roots was probably one of the most important events for alleviating racism in my childhood.

I woke you up. We didn't really know. We just saw the picture of Frederick Douglass in the dictionary. He closed that motherfucker. Remember the first time he saw the picture of Frederick Douglass? Our generation. And that dude became the dude on Star Trek, right?

The guy, the blind guy? Wasn't he? The same dude? LeVar? Wasn't LeVar? Yeah, LeVar, right, right. In fact, he's a producer. He's a producer, and I read for him in an audition.

LeVar Burton? Yeah, LeVar Burton. He was Kuntikinde, right? Yeah, he was Kuntikinde. That was a crazy fucking show. That was crazy, guys. You know, we were forced, white people were forced to pay attention to slavery for like the first time ever.

It was on TV. And that was back when there was only four channels. Yes, yes. Three, right? Yeah, it wasn't even Fox. You're right. Three. Let me tell you how deep my gym is.

That shit's opened up on a Sunday night. And that Sunday night, I went to see the band Yes at the Garden. And they were so fucking bad that I walked out of there. Like, I had gone to see them every year for like three years. But this time, they were so fucking bad. I think it was 78. 78, because I was a freshman in high school. And I said, I'm going home.

And I remember going home, putting it on. And it was fucking tremendous. It was fucking tremendous. It was a crazy documentary. Crazy show, rather. Crazy series. Mini series, I guess it was? Mini series.

That's when now they'd have nothing. They'd try to bring back Dallas. Fuck that. Once the guy died, the show was dead. Once Larry Hagman, whatever. What's his name? Larry Hagman died. The show's fucked.

So tremendous fucking night. We went from Ferguson to fucking cop beating somebody up. Bro, that was the best neighborhood ever that I grew into. Whenever I go to Jersey, I always go down that block. That is my, I have a picture of that block. On that block, we had a guy that answered all your questions. He was like a Puerto Rican pervert. His name was Nelson.

He was a waiter in the city. And like, if you went to Nelson and go, Nelson, what's marijuana? You want to smoke something? Yeah. You got to give me $5. We'll get your nickel back. He always was a hustle. But the best hustle he ran was the sex game.

Like, we went to him first. And we were like, what's going on with sex, bro? And he's like, well, you got to suck titties. You could fuck with better yet. Come by my house at 7 o'clock tonight. Sit outside my window. I want $2 from all of yous. We would give him $2 and we would sit outside his window.

He'd fuck his girl from with the curtains. We couldn't see, but we could hear. Fucking tremendous. Tremendous. And we were all like 11 and we'd be out there. And we'd like, we'd giggle and shit. He'd be, let me suck your pussy. And we'd be like, ah.

And at one point, at one point, you got so horny, your head would just get red as a motherfucker. And you just walked home with a limp and shit. And you're like, there was fucking crazy. Nelson, Nelson. I never forgot that motherfucker. He lived in like a one bedroom under like a family in Jersey. So we would walk into the backyard.

He told us about booze. He told us about weed. Never molesters, nothing like that. Always told us about pussy and shit. How good it is when you shoot milk in there pussy. And we would look at him like this. Oh, wait till you come in there. Pussy is tremendous.

And when that milk comes out of your dick. No, it doesn't. That's hilarious. That was a good fucking neighborhood dog. Then there was a hot chick up the corner. And she used to have a daughter. And she used to, and this could be a fat dude that was 20 years old and that would come over and fuck her.

And we would torment her. He was like her mistress. We would come over and fuck Eddie Murphy. We didn't put a banana in your tailpipe. We used to put fucking big potatoes in his tailpipe. And he tried to start his car and he couldn't start his car. We were a tormenting dog. We were the real deal in that fucking neighborhood.

We had this Italian guy, Otino, that hated everybody. Cubans, black people. He was Italian. He'd wear a little hat in front of his house. And he'd just sit there just like that. And he'd just sit there with a knife eating like a pear or a peach. And when I walked by, I'd go,

how you doing, Mr. Otino? Keep walking, Spiky. That's it. That's it. That's it. Keep walking, Spik. Keep walking. Don't even think to stop it. And whenever my mom would have a Santeria party,

I'd walk by and go, hurry up home, they're cutting chickens. You know what I'm saying? I don't care about racism. It was hysterical. Hysterical. That block had so much fucking heart. Like, I remember one time they were moving across the street

and the guys went back together. Me and my buddies robbed that house. While they were going to get more shit. Like, we're in the eighth grade. We just robbed this house. Then we got a stereo. We got a bunch of shit. I took the stereo with the two speakers.

Guess what? The kid was cool. The kid was a great basketball player. I started being like his best friend. I didn't invite him to the house. I squawked to your room. You can't go to my room, bro. Raul was his name.

I never forgot Raul and shit. Tremendous fucking block. Nothing but heart on that block. Timmy O'Neill still lives in that fucking house. His brother used to bang the angel. The Salazzo twins. Angel. But he used to fuck her outside.

Let me tell you the dedication this guy had. He would dig a hole in the side of the mountain and fuck her in the side of the mountain. We would watch and he'd be fucking it. He'd look up, I'm going to get you motherfuckers. This was a tremendous fucking thing. Why did he fuck her in the mountain? Because they were crazy.

I don't know. I'm so confused, but entertained. You think I'm going to go over there and ask him, why are you fucking in the mountain when you live right over there? I would have to know. That's me. I would have to know.

What about the guy who worked for the Iceman like two doors down? The guy for the Koklinski? Now, the side around the corner was Charles Court. I lived on giving that terrace. The next block was Charles Court. Charles Court was one of those loops. In the middle had a little island.

Geacona lived on that island where you met. She went to dinner with us one time. Atlantic City and Sabatino and Dean Orton and all these families. But on that corner there was the Pronges. And that was the guy who drove the Mr. Softy truck. And we used to always ask John Pronges, why don't your father stop and sell us ice cream

He used to go because my father wouldn't sell that type of ice cream. Yeah, that guy lived right around the corner. After all that shit went down, the mother changed her name. But let me take it back deeper. Hold on a second. You're talking about the Iceman, the murderer.

The guy who made that HBO documentary? HBO documentary. They don't understand what you're talking about. They're all looking at you like, this was the ice cream man, but here's where it gets fucked up. Like in 81 when Mr. Pronges died, I saw Mrs. Pronges at Generos,

a club in Hoboken, where we'd go. They would let us in there without proof. And I ate a Quailu one, man. I started swapping spit with her. And she's like, what are you doing? I'm in love with you, Miss Pronges. She's like, come on.

I used to serve you milk and cookies. Get out of here. I heard she's still fucking hot. I heard that bitch is still banging dog. I always loved the older women in my neighborhood. I used to play basketball on 38th Street Court and across the street was the Cardinals. 35 years later?

No, I talked Bobby Bender, who's married to... You seem incredulous. I saw Bobby Bender when I went home last time for breakfast, who lives, who's a DD Cardinali's husband. And her mother used to be hot only with kids. And that night she knew when I was playing basketball, she had a French poodle that was blind. So she had to walk him across the street.

And she used to always wear hot pants. And I used to look at her and say, one day I'm going to fuck this lady, right? I had the hots for Mrs. Faditi. I used to have... Oh man, her husband used to sit up top of the rocking chair and watch her from the balcony. And I'm like, one day I'm going to catch this bitch outside.

I'm going to fuck her. So like two years later, I got all fucked up one night. I prepared myself and I'm going to get Faditi. And I hid in the bushes. I swear to God, Joe Rogan. I hid in the bushes like a junior Cosby. I just hid in the bushes. I'm sorry.

Cosby Jr. Whatever the fuck it is, right? I hid in the bushes. I was all fucked up. I drank and I snored a TAC crystal with a bunch of us. And we listened to Led Zeppelin too. And we were lip-syncing and shit. We got all fucking crazy.

And they're like, where are you going? I'm going to fuck Mrs. Cardinelli, right? And I went over and I hid in the bush. She came out. I crossed the street and she had hot pants on. And I'm like, I love you, Mrs. Cardinelli. And we started talking shit. And then I felt over here like I touched her little thigh.

And she's like, what are you doing, Coco? I'm like, let me kiss you, Mrs. Cardinelli. And she's like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Are you drunk? And I'm like, no, I'm in love with you. And she's like, she let me kiss her. And then she's like, go home, you fuck. And that was it.

That was it, dog. Nothing. I touched a little thigh and shit. I was a crazy fucking guy. You know what the crazy thing I've known Joey for 20 years? And I still haven't heard all the stories. I still haven't heard all the stories. There's still new stories.

Oh my god. That's ridiculous. Those are fucking ridiculous. I've known you for what, 14 years now or something? 16, 16 years? Yeah. How many years? When did you meet?

98. Yeah. So that's like 16 years. That's a long time. And I still hear new stories. This is giving out terrorist stories. That's ridiculous. This is fucking crazy.

That's ridiculous. We were like the first Spanish people. It was us. I would have loved to see you try to kiss her. That must have been amazing. Like if I go back to a time machine, fuck George Washington crossing the Delaware. What?

It's an old dude in a boat. I don't give a fuck. I would want to see you. I would want to see you try to kiss that lady. Drunk, little, little cocoa. All fucked up. Telling her you love her. Leaning in.

I was like an episode of Little Rascals. Oh, Miss Crabtree. I got something heavy on my heart. That's one of the greatest episodes of all time. Can you still watch those? Yes. Okay. That was the Bill Cosby rumor, right?

He had bought those, but that's horse shit, right? He bought them and you can't see them on television and he re-edited them. But for all you racist people out there, you go on YouTube and the most racist fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. There was only one racist thing I've ever seen, but I'm like, holy shit.

And that's the episode of Little Rascals. Yum, yum, eat them up? Yeah. What happened? That is the most racist thing you will ever see in all your life. When I'm telling you, because I don't usually get affected by that shit,

because I think that way also, but I'm not racist. When I saw that, my jaw dropped. They could put that on you as a child. When you go home tonight, well, tomorrow tweet me and go to yum, yum, eat them up. Now, online, for real, there's two of them. There's one that's the real footage

and it's just fucking brutal. And then there's one that somebody did a remix to and he goes like, yum, yum, eat them up. Yum, come, eat them up. And this is like, you know, Buck Wheat goes to see his uncle at the circus, right? He doesn't know what to expect, Buck Wheat. And this fucking African dude comes out

with full regatta, supposing the guy was a big time boxer in the 40s or the 30s. Look at this shit. You gotta put the volume. So the guy was like, yum, yum, eat them up. And that's all this black guy says,

is yum, yum, eat them up. Right? But they take him to a house and then he gets a bottle of like, what's wrong? It's something black people drink. I just don't know what it is. Colossier?

More liquor. And it's like a gallon of it. And he just drinks it and then he hits himself with the bottle over. This is it. This is the little rascals. Eat them up, eat them up. I think it's not even a black guy.

I think it's a white guy with black face which makes it even more offensive. He's yelling, yum, yum, eat them up with these little kids and they're running away. I mean, it might be a black guy, but it might be a Hawaiian. Oh my God. It's a megabond.

He's throwing bananas at him and shit. Yeah. He's trying to keep him at bay. He's throwing bananas at him. That's just wrong, man. But Cosby supposedly bought him and took all that kind of shit out of there, like anything that's racist.

You know, if you go online now, there's two sampling sons when he goes to court and says all those shits to the judge. There's one that's very clean and there's one that lets him go off. So go to YouTube if you want to see that. Well, tell the Sanford & Sons one, because it's one of the funniest lines ever on TV.

And they edited it. You know, guys, Sanford & Sons used to be on Friday nights after Chico and the motherfucking man were the other way around. I'm not kidding you. Sanford & Sons was on at 8 o'clock and Chico and the man was at 8.30 and at that time those were the best two,

calm Norman Lear. I used to watch both of them with my grandfather. You motherfuckers did not go out. I don't give a fuck if a woman called you and said I'm going to suck your dick at 8 o'clock. You'd say it's got to be 9.05. Because from 8 to 9, I'm not fucking moving. If you were real and you appreciated comedy,

that's what you did on Friday night. You got a pizza and you watched Sanford & Sons with 80-year buddies. You smoked a joint. You giggled like a fucking kid. And Sanford gets arrested. Red Fox, one of the greatest stand-up comics ever. Lamont gets arrested, who's Red Fox's son.

And he comes home and tells him the story. And he goes to court. He has no attorney. He's going to represent himself. Lamont gets there and next to him, Red Fox shows up as his attorney. And it's a black judge. And he starts fucking throwing heat.

And he brings six of his blackest friends. And every time he says something, he gets a point across. His black friends get up and start pointing fingers and going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking classic, you know? And he's got Rallo. He's got all these fucking guys that are his goombas.

And it's a white cop, right? And he's like, you know, can I ask the arresting officer a question? And the judge goes, yes, you may. And he goes, you arrest any white people? And the cop goes, yes, you are. He goes, what the hell are they? Take a look around you.

Look at all these niggas in here. There's enough niggas in here to make a Tarzan movie. This is prime time television. This is right now. You know the shit you watch? Big Bang Theory. No, no, that's Big Bang Theory. Two and a half men.

Eight o'clock. And he goes, where's all these niggas in here? And they go crazy because it's all black people. And the judge goes, yeah, well, I'm black. He goes, yeah, but you're the judge. You don't count, right? That's how fucking crazy this was. I sat there the first time I saw that.

My jaw really dropped. I was a little kid at home. I had heard Richard Pryor and shit like that. But my jaw dropped. I had never seen that. That's how much television has changed in 20 fucking years. That's why television is almost done. In fucking three months, you want to buy Game of Thrones?

You don't have to pay cable no more. You just buy Game of Thrones, correct? Yeah, and then there's also like, have you seen that Netflix show, Orange is the New Black? I started watching that. You can get away with wild shit on TV now as long as it's not on TV. It's like, you have to do it through this weird back door.

So creative shows are being made like House of Cards and Orange is the New Black. You can do those on Netflix now. And it's way freer than anything's ever been before. And you could probably have like a Red Fox type show on Netflix. Like it could actually probably work. But on regular network television, it's just, it's too hard. It's too censored.

It's too chopped up. There's too many people you're trying to serve. They're trying to serve the middle of the middle of America. That's what they want. They don't want anything that deviates. Nothing that's controversial. Nothing that's scary. Nothing that's going to cost them advertiser dollars.

Especially today, because today if anybody says anything controversial, everybody wants to pull ads. You know, that's the first thing. People want to boycott and pull ads. Because people have the ability to impact things. And right now advertisers and television networks haven't figured out how to fucking just chill out and just let everybody go crazy and scream.

And just, it'll die down. Some new shit will happen. Like stick to your guns. If you think a show is good, like put it on. If you think it's offensive but good, and it explains itself well, put it on. But they don't have the balls. They're scared.

Everyone's just trying to keep their job. Executives get fired left and right. Anyone fuck up they make, wow, they're out the door. So Orange is a new black. Is that on TV? It's on Netflix. Only on Netflix. So it just cares on Netflix.

And now, you know, Vimeo, which is just like an online service, they do that documentary with a culture high. You can pay for that. You can pay for a lot of movies and stuff like that. And they work with independent film directors. They have a new show called High Maintenance. And it's like their own homegrown show. So like different like online outlets are taking chances

and creating cool new shows. So it's like that's what's going to happen. It's like networks fucked it up so bad or watered it down so much that the only other options are to do that. Well, I mean, it's kind of crazy. I talk to Joey a lot about specials on like TV. And I always think they've been really bad.

Oh, tell him what you told him. Yeah. Every special I call him and if I've seen somebody they've been good. And then the specials things like upsets me. And then I watched yours that just came out. And I called him and I said, I don't think it's Comedy Central's fault.

I think a lot of the comedians just aren't ready to do it because it's the same people doing it. Well, they give you an option. You could do it at like 10 o'clock and it'll be censored or you do it at midnight and it's just buck wild. But it's not even the censored. You can say cunt. I said cunty.

But it's not even the words. It's just the quality of the comedy. It's very exciting about that. It's just not funny. Like a lot of the specials just aren't having been funny recently. Well, when it was the editing, for a long time we discussed editing maybe. Maybe when you do...

There's a lot of issues. First of all, there's a big issue with doing a special scary. You know, a lot of times there's funny people and they do a special and the special's not that funny because they're nervous. You know, like Hicks is special relentless. Not that funny. You know, that was the one he did in London.

It was one take in a big theater. Those are stiff. It's hard to relax and do like a regular show. But what I always wind up doing is doing like two shows. The first one kind of sucks and the second one's usually funny. The first one, you get it out of your system and the second one you can use and that becomes a special. No, yeah.

I mean, it's just crazy how bad they've been. And I don't know. It's just... We were talking about the Gerard Carmichael one. The first time I saw it, I thought it was pretty good. But then the more and more I hear about it, just he was too young and... Well, you know, my first one sucks, Dick.

Go back and watch my first one. It's fucking terrible. You know, when you go back and look at your first stuff that you ever do, hopefully you keep getting better. But the other thing was they want to do things when they film a special that are bad for comedy. They want to keep the lights on. That's one thing they always want to do.

They want to make the room really bright and it makes people real self-conscious and aware. They don't want it to be like a dark club for whatever fucking reason. And I had a fight for that. You know, in Denver, when you watch that special, that's a club. There's very little difference between that show and a show without the cameras.

It's exactly the same way. It's lit up. Everything is the same. But that's from... I've been doing this for 26 years. I knew the right thing, the right way to change it. For me, at least, doing them... I don't want to do them in theaters anymore

because I think when you're doing it in theater, yeah, it looks big. There's all these people. There's a balcony and all that bullshit. But the reality is you're watching it at home on a couch. And in your living room, your living room is very intimate. You don't feel connected to some theater. But if you're watching it on a couch

and the guy's in a little club, and there's only a couple hundred people there, you feel like you're there. Well, I'm sure he's a nice guy, but the last Kevin Hart one that came out with the fire, I thought it was just ridiculous. Well, you're white. That's true.

You know, there's always that. I'm very white. That is true. I didn't see it. He's a funny dude, though. That guy's fucking hilarious. It's hard to... Also, he's doing a million movies a year.

That's one thing. Dude's getting... Paid. He's just getting... Paid. So it's hard to have the time to write jokes. I mean, dude, he's probably got to, like, negotiate his way around money in his house.

He's probably just got stacks of it everywhere. I try to get to his bathroom, get away from this money. He's fucking everywhere. He opens a door. It flies out like birds. It's probably hard to write jokes, you know? He's probably busy as fuck.

Or at least on a workout material. Yeah, that, too. He can't go anywhere without 6,000 people showing up. So it's like he could go into a coffee shop and work material hidden, you know? You can still do it. You just got to do it. He can do all the big shooting movies.

Chris Rock always did it, even in his prime. He would show up at the comedy store in the middle of the show, just show up and do a set. You can do it. You just got to be dedicated to doing that. And you also got to be willing to eat dick publicly. You know, if you want to come up with new material,

you got to be willing to eat dick. You got to take those chances. My beautiful people. Any questions? Real quick. We've got a couple minutes here before we get the fuck out of here. You guys could go, get high.

Do what it is that you do before Thanksgiving tonight. Like I said, tonight's a good night. Tonight's a good night to get fucked up. Just don't get fucked in the hand. Take an Uber. You know, do what the fuck you got to do. Drink responsibly is what I'm trying to fucking tell you. Okay?

Can I just say I'm so happy you do podcasts? Why is that? Because you're one of my favorite people ever. And like you didn't, you would only do other people's podcasts for like a long time. When you started doing podcasts, I got so happy.

I've never met a better storyteller in my life. You're the best storyteller I've ever met. By far. And you know what happens, guys? Like I got all this shit. When that kid came up to me last Saturday and said that to me last Thursday, that just threw me off.

About sleeping on the spaceship with the cop rocker? Yes, he was in line. Did I remember that story? I think about every six days to keep me in line. You know what I'm saying? When I'm on the four or five getting mad because of this traffic, this ain't this fucking bad, okay?

At least I'm headed home. There's a warm meal. This was a couple of nights, guys. That would just sleep under this rocket ship and get high, you know? And this particular bag of coke, he saw me at one in the afternoon and the bag was filled.

And when I saw him at four, he asked him to buy something. I go, all I have is this. And he looked at me like, you cannot be fucking serious. You did all that coke. And that's the last time I saw him, Frankie. That's the last time I saw him.

And when my friend told me he was coming Thursday night, they were driving from Jersey, he said, Frankie's coming. And that's the first thing I thought of. Oh, my God. I wonder if he remembers how embarrassing that moment was. That he saw this bag of coke at one o'clock. And at four in the morning,

it was just nothing in the bag. And I did the joke. I had a great night. We were talking outside. And all of a sudden, right before I got in the cab, he pulled me aside and actually said to me, so I thought of all those times. And sometimes me hearing that from somebody opens doors

and I start thinking, but I've been thinking about the Nelson thing for a while. That's classic, because that's got to be on a TV show or something. This guy was the neighborhood. He just answered your questions. No matter what sex. Yeah, I mean, he wasn't really a pervert, guys.

Oh, yes, he was. I want to be the guy who steps up and defines this guy. The girl he was fucking, I think towards the end one night, he opened up the curtains. He charged us $5. Instead of two. Because he would pay,

he would charge us $2 just for audio, right? We would just get to listen. And then one night, he turned the light outside, like the flood light. In those days, you had like a flood light, those big lights. He turned that off.

And he let us look in her while he was fucking, she was fucking hideous. She was fucking hideous. And she used to, you know, that's what he used to always talk about, giving them milk. And I would just sit there.

I didn't know. You know, there was another situation. We had an eighth grade teacher. And he was the mayor of Weehawken. And he had an assistant that took care of his dirty work. So one time this guy coached us in the eighth grade.

And he took us to like a Nick Sixer game. And on the way back, he kept telling us, listen, if you guys have a winning season, I'm going to get all three years late. We're 13. We're in the eighth grade. We got basketballs between our thighs

because we're bringing them to the garden because Julius Irving might sign them. The last thing on our mind was getting laid. And I'll never forget him going, I'm going to get just laid. I'm going to get his dicks up. And like, I was in the back seat, like my friend in the front.

He was mortified. This is December of 1978 or something. Now it's the summer of 79. We just get out of school. We're ready to go to high school. Everything's beautiful. Terry Jordan puts up with the Cadillac. He gets out of the car, leather jacket.

Guys, come over here. I brought you something. He opens up the car door and out walks this 60-year-old hag. With fucking fake, huge tits. I'll never forget her feet were just fucked up. Like, it looked like Mel Gibson in payback. Remember they were hitting him with a hammer? I remember like looking at her and looking at her feet,

like, ooh, like all of us, right? He's like, come here, guys. Say hello to Mildred. And we're like, hi, Mildred. Mildred? Yeah. And we're like, hi, Mildred. And he's like, remember I told you guys,

if you had a winning season, I was going to get your dicks up? And we're like, yeah, we thought that was a joke. And he's like, well, get in the back. Who wants to fuck Mildred first? And we're all sitting there like, uh, uh, I got to go home. No. Oh, Mildred. Did they stop using that name?

Huh? They stopped using that name, like in the 80s. That's like, there's no Mildreds. Last time I met that lady, I never wanted to hear Mildred again. I can't, and everybody laughed. Like, well, he's like, who's going to fuck her first? Come on. So you suck your dick.

And we're like, nah, nah, we got to go home. We're going to barbecue and shit. Everybody started walking back. It was like, you motherfuckers. Mildred. It's different. Those guys weren't perverts. They weren't trying to suck your dick.

They were trying to get your dick sucked. Like, they were, they were helping you out. He didn't want to charge us no money and nothing. He's a good guy. Hey, he wasn't a bad guy. I mean, who does that for kids now? They can't. You get sued.

They put you on a list. Nobody helps kids out like that no more. They didn't even have like a sex offender registry back then. They didn't have an app where you could find all the perverts in your neighborhood. You know, you could just like find perverts around you. Knock on their door. Oh, oh my God. I don't know how the fuck I grew up.

I'm like a fucking Tarzan. I was raised by apes. It's pretty funny. And it's fucking real. And he knows these people in Jersey. If you close your eyes, you've bumped into this guy. Have a leather jacket, the sideburns, the chain. He's like, come over here, guys.

Circle around. Who wants the fucker first? What? We're playing basketball. She wasn't even making eye contact. She was drunk on stuff. She was on Cosby Pills. And we're like...

Oh, no. I love you guys. Stay black. Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you.