Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #016 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live

Episode Date: January 16, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live from the Ice House on New Years Eve   Recorded live on 12/31/2014

What are you walking behind me for? It's bad luck. Walk that way. Cuck suck it. Say Happy New Year. Happy New Year everybody. Mild. You know it's crazy because I grew up a lot differently than you guys. I mean I don't know maybe I did in the sense of the early part of the night. I grew up with a lot of fucking savages when I was young like fucking crazy people. The dude who let me used to rob them at the gas station and beat them up and shit that was crazy. I gotta tell you this kid has become a savage in front of me right before my eyes. He really has. He's not crazy. He's not letting me beat him up at the gas station. But he's

always thinking of shit. Now when I give him an edible he doesn't even fuck around. He makes no plans. He knows. But the best is to follow morning when he tells me I'm still fucked up man. And I go I already ate an edible and he go why? He can't understand. He's like why do you eat another edible? Oh my god I'm so fucked up. Because he'll call me and be like I'm so fucked up. I know that. He eats all his daughters. He ate what? He eats all mercy snacks. So he'll call me and be like I'm so fucked up. I can't go to sleep but like he'll freak you out. And then like at 6, 8 in the morning you call me and you just took another one. Fuck why not? 6 hours later. I got these little like life savers

that sugar freak. You know you don't want no sugar in your body in the morning. They're very organic. They're maybe like 50 milligrams. I pop those right after I eat my egg. Rather than taking my blood pressure medication I pop one of those. Why not? Just to you know keep the blood going. Keep the ankles thin. Keep the circulation going. We talk like two or three times a day. What? When you and I talk and every time you open with I just pop the tube of two. And what was that? A chocolate bar? Death. And you're just like listen man if I got a busy day, if I got a busy day I can't get fucking high right? You get high every day. But if I got a fuck like if I got to work out I can't get high

because if I'm out of air I have an anxiety attack. That's why I try to work out early. Because once I get out of the way I can get fucking high. You understand me? That's the point. When you say you don't get high you still get like a little high. I don't need an edible before I work out. I'll take a couple pumps so that you listen. I didn't want you to think you were sober. I gotta bring it down for you alright. I get up before my wife in the morning. I get up so I can write. So when I get up I feed the cats. I clean the litter box. I make coffee. I take a piss. I brush my teeth. I relax for an hour. I watch what the traffic is like. Even if I don't have to leave the house. I always want to

know what's thinking at Caltran 5. I see what's going on on the 15, the 210 and the 405. Those are the problem spots right there. And the 57 sometimes. It's fucked up down there. Those people don't know how to drive. After I get warmed up right. After I get like a three quarters of a cup of coffee in me. Right to the yard and I start puffing. Whether it's the pipe, the leftover joint from last night. Sometimes you get home 1130 from doing comedy. You're a little wired. Why fuck around? I go outside. I smoke a half a dube. Don't smoke the whole dube because you might have nightmares. A half a dube. You know what I'm saying? Also tell them you don't get like medium strength weed. I got high on two puffs

of whatever that joint was the other night. That the guy gave this. Yeah. Some guy gave me a tube of weed. So on the way home it was a tube that I had seen before. Like a tube that had a sign on it. Like a fucked up sign on it. Let me tell you this story. I love it. I had like a like a hieroglyphics, like not hieroglyphics, but like Roman numerals, you know, like the X's and shit, right? Like, so I'm with Lee. I stopped a seven lemon from my wife. She got something done for a tea. So she could only drink Mountain Dew in the morning. So I had to get Mountain Dew for her. And I only Lee, we're just going to stand here and talk for a couple of minutes. I got this joint. Let's cook this motherfucker.

Right. It's 1215. You got none to do. I got none to do. Right. All right. Let's smoke it. I take it out. I kick it. We get fucked up, guys. I get fucked up. Even the truck driver that's delivering the sandwiches 7-11. He's like, that's good stuff. I mean, it was it was fucking crazy. Right. So I get up the next morning and I get the tube and I walk to the weed store at 1005. The baby had our class that day. Usually I exercise with the baby in the morning. I put the baby in a truck and I go for a little ride with her. Absolutely. I take four hits off that pipe before I drag my two year old around North Hollywood. If you don't get high before you have your child in a fire truck, you're fucking slipping. Okay.

You need weed just to deal with the whole fucking thing. You know, I go to the fucking thing. I go to North Hollywood Park. Then I take it to the other yard and I put on the swing. So that morning I didn't do it because it was too cold. So I was still jazzed up. But I take a little walk. So I said, what the fuck? You know what? Lee and I got fucked up off this joint. Let me walk over to the weed store, get my morning exercise and just think about, you know, I was a little high. I'm not even going to take the iPod. I'm just going to think about my day or whatever the fuck. I get to the weed store and I give the tube to the girl. I go, let me get one of these. And she looks at me like. So she goes,

hold on one second. And she walks to the back and the owner comes on. He goes, dog, you got these? I go, yes. I'm the game. And they're tremendous. He goes, I don't sell these here. They put wax in these fucking things. Oh, so who cares? And speaking of poisoning, he gave me mushrooms and didn't tell me there were mushrooms. Why would you mess with somebody's emotions? Why? Because I've never taken a mushroom. If you're not sexually involved with somebody, why would you mess with somebody's emotions? You understand me? They're having a bad day. You tell them, eat this piece of chocolate. I didn't kill them. I didn't give them like the, I didn't give them the whole Nestle bar. I gave them just a taste.

If it was heroin, it would have been like skin popping. You never do the whole blast of heroin. You put under your skin, just shoot a little bit. If it fucks you up, you put that motherfucker down. You know what I'm saying? The same thing. I'm not out to kill Lee. Who ever gave you guys chocolate covered mushrooms just because they loved you? Nobody. I don't give them to Lee to kill the kid because I love them. Because if I don't give them to him and sabotage him, he'll never experience chocolate mushrooms. He'll think about him. Let me go home and think about it. I'll put it in my freezer. Oh, I went online and investigated them. They grown under shit. I don't know. That bowl is made from shit. You don't need

to eat that fucking thing and take the chance. Columbus did. Take it. Fuck it. Eat the fucking thing. But we had a good time. I took them on Laurel Canyon doing 90 around the curves. You know me? I don't give a fuck. He just cuts people off. He'll just go like right up the entire wrong lane for like an entire side of the street. Hey, you got airbags. You know what I'm saying? Use it. He called me last night and said, you should go drive by sound on Laurel Canyon. And if we had too many cars, we'll just get out and run away and say someone stole it. Bro, New Year's, I'm telling you, you can hit a car and run away and leave a note. Somebody stole my car. What were you? I was at home watching fucking

Jimmy Kimmel live. I don't give a fuck. And there's always an excuse. Like, he'll be like, oh, it's the first night of Hanukkah. Oh, it's Wednesday. Oh, it's always a beautiful day to be alive. Oh my gosh. Think of it. Right now, if we were in a fucking prison somewhere in another country, you think somebody would be offering you a pot cookie or a Chibo Choo. How lucky are we? We get the opportunity to eat a Chibo Choo. Eat that motherfucker. Eat that motherfucker. Especially, I could see if, look, if Lee ran NBC, I wouldn't bust his balls. Yes, you would. Don't lie to him. No, I wouldn't. But he don't have a fucking job. So what? Well, you know, it's not like he has to get up at six or eight or nine.

You know, he's going to go home and watch TV and step to a three. Whether I give him an edible or not. That's just the way he is going to watch Sports Center. And then he's not his girlfriend game of PlayStation fucking 13. Is that what it is? A four? A four? Whatever. I don't fucking know. You know, that means once he told me she was giving him a PlayStation, I got to double the dose because I'll never see him. Once he goes in, he'll hibernate. He's not the type. Listen, without the PlayStation, I can't get him out of the house. I've been going to Jim's for since June. But just to the gym, you don't go out and get sun. You're the most pale as Jew. I've ever met in all my fucking life. Okay. I have Jew friends

that are dark, like dark, dark, like Cuban dark. Are they black? No, they're fucking Jews. There's black Jews. No, but maybe, you know, from the other side of town, these people are Jews. But he won't go out and get sun. You know, I always tell people it's amazing for like, I went on three blood tests and they always came back. I was deficient in vitamin D living in California. I was in shock and I went home and I looked it up online and it's like fucking 48% of us that live in California. That's like half of vitamin C deficient because we don't go out in the sun because of some myth. No, I'm Cuban. I was born on a fucking island, dog. Son is in my blood. You know what it is? That fucking

computer. I don't like taking my computer outside the house. Always real creepy to me. When I see somebody on a computer, what? You don't want to enjoy the outside? You got to bring your business out of here. Like I think like you're up to something. Like you're watching porn or something at Starbucks. I don't like that shit. When I go out of the house, I don't want to see the fucking computer. You know what I'm saying? But that's what it was. And I catch myself now. When I'm in front of the computer too much, I go fuck it. It's over. I got to go out and get some sun. And I try to encourage that. You got to go to the sun, Lee. You got to get out of the fucking house, okay? You can't sit

there like a vampito. You know, that's all I'm trying to do is move this guy's life along a little bit. You know? He's too tranquil. No, it's not moving along. You don't do dick. Now you got the girlfriend in the fucking PlayStation 4. Hell yeah. If I get you out for the podcast, that's enough daylight. And the podcast is at eight. Yeah, that's right. But you know what, man? I got a, he goes to the fucking gym every day. He's addicted. He's in that fucking 24 hour fitness jumping up and down. He lost 80 pounds and shit. The savans that he is looking. He's all sexy and shit. And he tries. He really goes to skinny kitchen. I met this month. He really does. He goes to the skinny kitchen. It's

good. And he has the turkey burger, which tastes like ass. No, no. He's had to buy some burgers good. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. They put cheese on it. They put cheese on it tastes good. They put cheese on quarter pounders too, where they taste like fucking ass too. Do you see McDonald's got a triple cheeseburger? Oh, I bet you were having fucking dreams about it. I bet when you seen that it went right to your little brain sat in there when you slept that night. It was so yourself naked going through a fucking McDonald's, eat a triple deck of sandwiches. I haven't been to McDonald's in months. How much you tell these guys how much you love McDonald's? Oh, I love all that stuff. What else? Wendy's

is the best. Oh, Jesus Christ. I just read online an employee told about chili. You eat the chili? Fuck no. Okay, that's this. Do I want these chili? Yeah. Really? That's disgusting. You fucking eat everything else. What's the difference? Because chili just sits there. It's like always ready. At least like the other stuff pretends it's like a way and they'll throw away, they'll throw away old burgers like a throw away old chili. It's probably like a Wendy's somewhere with like a 10 year old thing of chili and they just take the mold out of it. I can't eat that shit anyway. I'm a fat fuck. I like this spicy chicken sandwich. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, it's good. You don't like it? No. What do you like at Wendy's?

Nothing. You don't like burgers? Oh, why don't you like bacon on burgers? Because it's fucking disgusting. That's why it's like a double tritundle. What's that word you people use? Tritundle them. Whatever the fuck the word is. He said today on the way and there's under no circumstance what I want bacon on a burger. No circumstance? No, no. Listen, I'm an American. Here's what I like. All right. I like a fucking one burger with cheese, raw onions and ketchup. That's it. And if I have to, I'll take mustard. That's it. I don't want no lettuce. I'll take a tomato if I have to. Who's forcing condiments on you? What? Who's forcing you to have these things? Society. They always want to get these big, big fucking burgers. I don't like that shit.

I'm gonna fucking old school. Just give me prison burgers, cheese, fucking county jail burgers, cheese. When you're in county jail and you look at cheese, you look at it like it's a fucking hundred dollar bill. And a slice of raw onions with some fucking ketchup. Oh my god, that's delicious. You know why I don't eat burgers no more? Because I like the fries around here. Yeah, they suck. I like ruffle fries. Crinkle cut, yeah. Not crinkle cut, but those ones are like this. And if I have to, if I'm really stoned, I'll take a steak fry. You know what I mean? And I got to go to Jerry's Deli to have a steak fry. I don't want to go to Jerry's Deli. Fat burger and steak fries. I don't like fat burger. I had fat burger one time

in Texas and I had a headache for four fucking weeks. It's too expensive. It was like I ate white castle first time. When I was growing up in Jersey, I had white castle first time. I fucking had a sodium headache for like 12 hours. I never ate it again until like I was out of high school. Then I ate, and now when I go back, just out of respect, I get two of them. Just two. No fries, but I get the diet Pepsi with the fucking ice. No, dawg. I'm trying to watch my fat little fucking heart. No, we got fries always. So you got to watch your fucking fries. You still got to deal with guys. And every night when I take them out, we get high on the way back.

He starts telling me about his fat food, his fast food fucking lifestyle at night. Like I talk about drugs late night and fucking crazy women. He talks about his cheese burger thing. Like as we passed through a drive-thru, he'll go eight months ago, that was me right there. And I'd ask him, what would you get? And he'd get all emotional. He'd wipe He'd look at me and he'd get angry and emotional and he'd wipe his mouth. Let me tell you what I get. Because I, the only thing I do like, I'll tell you who makes a good late night taco when you're fucking stoned or drunk. I'll tell you who makes a very good late night taco. Jack in the box. No, I disagree. No. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And as you're eating it,

as you're eating it, after you take the third bite, after you take the third bite, you know it's not good for you. And you turn around and look at it, right? You always turn around and look at it. In your mind, you do that whole thing, you're like, and you're biting it, you know it's tasting good, but you know it's like some little kid's leg and shit. You start looking at milk cartons and shit as you're eating it. I used to have a ton of those. I know you have, cocksuckers. But they put too much sauce on them. No, they're delicious. And they're a little spicy, like they're a little fucking spicy. Yeah. And my crazy wife would buy fish and chips for the cats late at night. Oh my God. And Finney wouldn't eat the cat. Finney wouldn't eat the, the coke cat I had,

the one I used to do coke with. He wouldn't eat, he wouldn't eat the fish. He'd eat the the batter. Disgusting. Oh my goodness. But I've never had a fucking, I tell you what I did have, I got addicted off the salads. How the fuck do you eat salads and gain weight? I used to eat salads when I lived in Boulder from Jack in the Box. They had the seafood, crab, and you knew it was fake crab, but it was just delicious. I kept eating them with iced tea and I kept gaining weight. That's when I knew fast food was fucking bad for you, when even the salad makes you fucking gain weight. I'm happy. You know, when I was a kid, and we lived in New York City, it wasn't what it was now. It was McDonald's,

and a turkey fried chicken. Jack in the Box is in the Bronx, like in Queens, like in those areas. White castles like dog shit, they're everywhere. So I grew up on those, but my mom wouldn't let me eat them. So the only time I was allowed to eat fast food is when I would visit my cousins in Miami in the summer. So for those two weeks, I would eat fucking whoppers and you know, regular cheeseburgers, but when I went back to New York, I wasn't allowed to eat them, so I never really ate fast food. And later on, as fast food grew, I was never really into it. And today, if I eat fast food once a year, it's a fuck, and I don't know why, because I'm a fat fuck, and I like late 90s, but I like different type of late 90s. A cheeseburger deluxe with steak

fries and mozzarella cheese and gravy on those motherfuckers, with a bowl of crema turkey soup up front, with some saltines and shit. Who the fucking think you're dealing with, huh? And some fucking iced teas with two lemons. And after it's all over, a nice fucking cup of rice pudding, that's what you eat at two in the fucking morning. So if I can't get that, I can't eat. Right or wrong? I'll tell you what else is bad to the bone at two in the morning. Two fucking eggs. Right? But check this out. Across the street from white toast, toasted, light butter, with a steak over that motherfucker. And french fries. So the gravy from the steak drips on top of the fries and your toast. So when you're eating the egg with the toast, the gravy from the steak is the

underbelly of this home motherfucking operation. Do you understand me? But you bite the whole thing all at once. The steak, the yolk, the toast and the french fry. And you eat it and as you're eating you're like, what the fuck is better than this right now? What the fuck is better than this right now? Nice steak with the steak gravy on the toast with the butter. How do you like your steak? Medium rare. So the little bit of pink, like a, don't even get me started. Because I love you, you know what I'm saying out of respect. That's a sexual noise. What? That's like a sexual noise you just made. Oh yeah, it's a sexual noise. Why do you think men love steak when they're on you? The real fucking savages eat that shit

like kind of rare. And when they cut it, they stop for a minute, they just look at it. Then they walk out of the trance. What were you saying? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Obama's got to go. I know. It's fucking crazy. You know how we react to shit. But I was going to put the cap on the microphone. Look at this fucking Zombo. Who's fault is that? Or I'll tell you what else is bad to the bone. Late night. Oh my God. King Taco, like a motherfucker. A fucking chorizo potato egg. That's what you're taking the car to go. That's not what you eat there. When you get there, that's a complete different patois. But there's nice dog. That's the toughest thing. That's why

I gained a bunch of weight when I was doing comedy. I would beg to like, when I first moved to LA, I didn't grow up in the East Coast. There's no Mexicans. So when I went to Colorado, I started digging on Mexican food. But when I came to California, I really started digging. But I don't like it from up here. I like Salud. Look, I ain't bullshitting them. I like it. I like it down from the barrio. So that's why I like all those gigs down there. We used to do a gig in Long Beach. And oh my God, there was a taco truck by a VFW. 75 cents a taco. What? What? 10 tacos, 750 with two cans of coke. You can still give the guy a dollar tip. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck you think you're dealing with, right? I would go

all the way to Long Beach for 10 tacos. That's when you know you're a fat fuck. I would take gigs on certain nights only. Like all the Mexican comics have different bars they play at all over town. And a lot of them, you have to take the 10 or the five. What's the one off King Taco when you see it? I don't want to fuck up. King Taco, what am I on? The 710? That's how to go to King Taco? Oh my God. That shit's closer than what I thought. Oh my God, some Mexican food before you go to sleep, but not just little Mexican food a lot. Because when you're drunk and you're stoned, you overeat. And once you go home to that Mexican, you put TV on and you think about jerking off, but you're like, it's not necessary. You know what I'm saying? I feel so good right now.

There's just some shit. Like I don't like, I don't like rice cakes like Leo go home and eat rice cakes. That's why I don't eat at night. Because if I can't eat what I want to eat, what I just told you motherfuckers, what do you want Joey? I'll go to big wings with you motherfuckers and I'll get five wings. You keep saying we're gonna go to big wings, but we never go to big wings. Because you always pussy out. No, I don't. I only have 300 calories left. I only work. Fuck it, let's go take a chance. Because he don't know how to just eat fat man style. See there's fucked up people than this fat man style. Like I'll go to fucking big wings and I'm happy. I only eat four wings and I'll dabble with the fries with the gravy on it and I'll have an iced tea and I'll get the

fuck out of that. And I'll realize I'm full and I'll leave. The real fat fucks, they'll sit there and eat the 16 wings. That's what kills you. Four wings ain't gonna put you in the hospital. A couple French fries with mozzarella and gravy. I don't fuck you up. But this motherfucker's like I can't. Because no one eats four wings. You order eight of them. They have a happy hour. They give you five. Then you pay a dollar for the other three, just so you fucking don't eat 15 of them. And we'll eat four apiece and we'll eat some disco fries or small order and we'll get the fuck out of it. Like Savage is four. And as you're walking to the car, you're thinking you should have got more, but by the time you walk to the car and get

to the car, you're like, I'm pretty fucking full. I'm happy I didn't eat the other 16 wings. That's, I'm telling you, dog, that's. You get full from four wings. I went with my wife three weeks ago. Before one, I went back to El Salvador and I fucking went. I got four wings with my wife. We went during happy hour. And I was pretty happy. I'm a little bit glad to hear that. I mean, the guys don't get me wrong. I wasn't that happy. I mean, I wish I was stoned to the gills, because that's the only way to eat wings is stoned to the gills with a Corona. Am I lying to you? A nice Corona cold, like a motherfucker with a bunch of wings with a paper towel. Fuck napkins. That's for pussies. Napkins. That's for guys that are gluten free napkin.

Come here napkin. I'm gluten free. Fuck you. Give me the whole roll of paper towel, bitch. We're going deep in. Take the jacket off. Help me with the jacket. Hurry up. That's how you fucking go eat wings and shit. Two orders of fries, onion rings. That's how you eat rings. A pitcher, bitch. And if I see the glass half empty, you better jump, motherfucker. That's how you eat wings. I can't drink. I can't drink. I can have a shot of Jaeger or something, but I can't drink a bunch of fucking beers like I used to with wings. I wish I could and get fucked up old school, but I can't. I start farting and shit. You're always farting though. But I don't fart like wing fart mixed with beer. That's, look at the other day I farted during the podcast and nobody

smelled it. It wasn't bad. What are you talking about? You farted like three times. And none of them were bad. None of them because they were like clean farts. You know what I'm saying? They were like, it was like salads and shit. It was very mild. It's only when you drink, you know what the worst farts are when you eat healthy. Drink a fucking soy protein milkshake. See what your asshole smells like. You cut a fart like it's going to be a regular fart. And I'll say like, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. You start blowing shit like matches. I love it when I'm by myself and it's me and the cat or me and you and me and my wife or something like that. You know, I don't like it when I'm in a room full of strangers, you know. Do you fart on your cats?

No, but if they're, sometimes if they're on my leg and I don't want to fart, I don't say nothing. And then when you fart, they fly off. I'm a fucking comedian. Wait, wait, wait. How do you think I entertain myself? You fuck. Which cat do you like farting on the most? Whoever fucking is there? I don't give a fuck. Ray, Ray comes up, super bad comes up. I don't know if you're like looking for like, oh, I'm going to get super bad today. I'll tell you what, my fucking daughter is turning two and eight days, guys. And it's, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck that shit. It is fucking crazy. I'm an old man, guys. I just had surgery on the knee. I could move, but I really can't move. This little fucking kid

touches everything. And she throws it in the air when she's finished with it. It's fucking mind boggling. I got my hands cut out for me. So if something happens, I love you guys. All right, just remember that. What does that mean? What? If something happens. Oh my God. I don't know, man. I'm gonna have a heart attack or something. I don't fucking know, man. She doesn't start. How does she throw in the air? That's not what she throws in the fucking air, Lee. It's what she does, how she moves, how fast she moves now, you know, how she doesn't sleep that much anymore. She's becoming a young fucking person now. And I'm an old man. It's the complete fucking opposite, you know what I'm saying? She's a 30 pound human kettlebell. That's, that's all she is, you know.

Tonight I was trying to eat my soup and she was right there and she didn't want to go nowhere. She's twisting and making me fucking fart in her neck. And then I take my goatee and I rub it on her face and they like all that shit, but she's weighing 32 fucking pounds, you know. So who gives a fuck? Why aren't we talking about that shit anyway, Lee? What the fuck's the matter with you? You see what I'm saying? What are your, what are your resolutions for 2015? I've never really done resolutions, man. I don't know. That's your fucking problem right there. But everyone who, everyone never gets a resolution done. Who's who? Nobody. People try. You gotta fucking try. People try, but everyone's like, oh, I always, I didn't get it. I thought that was like a thing.

Well, like you say, like every this, Jim's gonna be busy for three weeks and then What the fuck is he talking about this fucking? Everybody gets their resolutions done. If you have five resolutions, if you have one of them done, you accomplish fucking something. You're not going to get all five of them done. What are your resolutions? I have no fucking idea, right? I've been thinking about, I've been thinking about it, you know, to be a, to be a better human being, maybe not get so mad when I'm driving. Maybe not say go and yell at people and shit, you know. I don't see that happening. He beeped at a fireman today. I did beep at a fire, man, because he's fucking around.

If you're going to go, go, cocksucker, don't stop for a yellow light. You know, I got shit to do. They want to stop for a yellow light, dibble dabble, you know. It's rush hour. Go, cocksucker. You know, you got to, I don't know. The main resolution is to always be a little better the person that you were the year before. What does that mean? What the fuck does that mean? Did I got to give money to the guy at 7-Eleven now? Did I got to fucking send money to that chick with the animals that always makes me feel guilty? What's that chick that sings the song? Sarah McLaughlin? That fucking dirty bitch, you know. You know, you're at your house, you did something, you know, you're impressed with something you did

that day. You feel, I ain't feeling guilty and I feel guilty enough on my own. I don't need somebody trying to make me feel guilty. Sarah McLaughlin and those fucking animals make me feel guilty and remote control is always eight feet away. Like, as soon as you're here, like, you know, you're like, what the fuck? And it's always on here. You're like, fuck. And you got, you fucking want to kill Sarah McLaughlin. And you're like, what the fuck? I already got six cats, Sarah. You know what I'm saying? Stop breaking my fucking balls, Sarah. I always feel guilty when I pull up to 7-Eleven and there's some dude all fucked up there. I really do because of my heart. As a human being, as a Catholic, I want to give him money,

but as a fucking thief, fuck them. Fuck them. You know what I'm saying? Hide behind the building, hit somebody, be creative. What about the one you hit with your car this year? All right, I hit him with my car. I swear to God, I hit this fucking dude at 7-Eleven. He caught me out. D'oh, he caught me on a wrong fucking day, right? And I had my wife in the car. Listen, let me break something down here, all right? I've done some bad shit in my life, like, not bad shit, like, you know, like, lit people on fire, shit like that. But like, I robbed drug dealers, shit like that, right? I went to prison, I paid my dude's society, and that was it. But there's a, what are we talking about?

But then you got my wife, guys. I swear to God, I don't even like when my friends talk to me and when my wife's around. Like, when my friends from Jersey come out to visit, I don't even like them talking with my wife's around. Because my wife's from Tennessee, and she's a different type of person, and she doesn't deserve that in her life. One of the main reasons, yeah, I stopped doing drugs, but it was a, it was a no-brainer for me, and this is why. I stopped doing drugs, part of the reason, like, the complete part of it. Because unless I got shot, where else was I gonna die? I was gonna die in the house snorting coke. I would die from a heart attack. Who was gonna find me? One of the cats? No. My wife, who was at then, my girlfriend. And that started making me think. I was like,

wait a second. Like, if somebody was, like, if, like, if Lee did blow and I found him in the living room, it wouldn't affect me. I, like, I love, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. How sweet of you. I love Lee, and I feel bad, but I wouldn't come here every month and go, it's because of me. Lee's dead. Lee died because he was doing blow. Oh, I'm dead? Whatever, I'm just saying. You know, my, I didn't want my wife to find me on the floor. She don't deserve that. There's some people who deserve that shit in their life, and there's some people who don't deserve that shit in their life. She's too sweet. It would have ruined her in size. So I didn't want her picking me up out of the floor. In other words, I don't want nobody fucking with my wife. Don't say shit in front

of my fucking wife. When you see me with my wife, you say good afternoon, Mrs. Diaz, you talk to me, don't say fucking nothing out of the ordinary, because I will not fucking tolerate it. For some reason, I just don't like it. And I'm going to tell you something else. Don't even, don't think of doing something to my wife, because my blood pressure just boils. So I stopped by the 7-Eleven on Burbank and Cawenga. It's a fucked up 7-Eleven. It's real fucked up. That's a fucked up 7-Eleven. We were doing a podcast at 6am, and I went in there one night at like 4, 5, 15, and I seen a chick getting pimped that didn't want to get pimped. And her boyfriend was on Met, and the guy he was selling it to was on Met. This was a fucked up story. And I'm watching

it to 7-Eleven. Like, I was dead like, did I get a coffee? I actually wanted to back and started watching the whole thing unfold. And she was crying. And she was like, his girlfriend or his wife. And she's like, I don't want to fuck me. And he's like, he's fucking you bitch. And you're going to suck his dick. And you're going to let him fuck you in the ass. He's going to give me like 120 hours to fuck you. And this poor girl's like, no. And finally she's watching. She's like, no, I'm going to be fucking Joe superhero. With no weapon on me. 51 years old, right? Unless they take ahead and bash it against the glass, I can't fucking get involved. It's five in the morning. It's five in the fire. And she's on Met

too. She's no innocent, this fucking thing. She's on Met too. And she's walking with the fucking guy and they took a cab to get there. So the cab driver was waiting for them. They got the cash. They didn't have enough cash. The guy didn't have enough cash for the cab and to buy the girl. So he just had enough cash to buy the girl. So they walked out front and the girl was crying. And they told the cab driver leave. We don't have enough money. And as he was leaving, they started arguing outside and she started running. It was fucking crazy. And I'm watching all this at five in the morning. I'm like, oh my God. And the meth head is chasing a comeback. You're going to fuck them. And I'm like, oh my God, this is terrible. Then the cops were chasing

them. The cab driver ran in. He's like, call the police. They're pipping that woman out. And it was fucking crazy. And I'm sitting there going, this is a real 7-Eleven. So I had an office with Lee down the block. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. So maybe two days later, I go to the same 7-Eleven to get water or whatever to fuck with my wife. It's in my wife's car. But I'm driving. I pull up. I go, you want something? She goes, I don't want nothing. All right. I get out. I go inside. I buy whatever the fuck I like. When I'm paying to go in, I look at my wife and there's some dude in front of the car like dancing like some fucking mobo. And I'm boiling at the fucking counter, right? 20 years ago, I wouldn't even have paid. I just would have ran to the fucking thing. But

you know what? Things are bad all over, right? I get it. As long as he's not touching the glass or whatever, we're cool. But I'm watching it. He's dancing. He's playing with his dick. So I walk past him like, and he looks at me like, what? And I'm like, oh, this motherfucker is crazy. I don't have a gun, but I have a bottle. And I don't have a hanger. See, in my car, I have a hanger. Hangers are the best weapons. So one from the dry cleaners. Unravel it, but keep it together, you know what I'm saying? And if there's problems, you take that motherfucker and you whip somebody with a hanger. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And if you're a professional, you tape it and you prepare it already. And then you're unwit that motherfucker and you start whipping them with a

hammer, especially at night. They don't know what it is. They're like, is it a new chuck? Is it a stick? Is it a Kabudu Tanfa? Fuck, though. It's a hanger, motherfucker. Oh, my God. First time I got hit with a hanger, I'm like, I got one of those. I got hit with a hanger one night. Me and my buddies are trying to rob, make some truckers up. And we were trying to climb like, oh, my God, I can't believe I just remember this shit. Boji. Boji. That was the kid's name. Tommy fucking Boji. He's like, we can jump over there. They leave a truck. Oh, we gotta just break the lock that were like VCRs or something. I knew Tommy from high school, but not really. And we went there and we tried to jump the fence. But the guy

whipped Boji like 50 times. He whipped me like three times. I had kicks. I ran the fuck out of it. But I was like, what did he have? And he's like, those guys always carry hangers. Hangers. Whatever the fuck this is. Anyway, I'm just trying to give you a free tip tonight. You know what I'm saying? And keep it under the driver's seat. It's like having a bat in your car. You can even tape it and open it up. And it's long. As long as you keep that hook, that's where your finger goes. You follow me. So as you're whipping that motherfucker with that hanger, and as he's punching, you're hitting his legs. That's what Boji's guys used to do. We hit your fucking legs. Oh, baby. Mama Sita.

So I walked past the guy and he's kind of creepy. And I know that there's drugs involved and a little mental health. But as I sit down, he gets right to the middle. And I'm talking to my wife and I look up at him. And he's giving me the tongue. And he's doing all this shit like with his cock like this. And I'm looking at this guy like, what the fuck? And I go, you know what? I looked both ways. There's nobody around. I go, I'm going to need this motherfucker with the car. So I popped the car into reverse. And my wife guys, God bless her. She's only seen the craziness like maybe four times maybe. And she can't handle it. And I love her. After every time I always think we're going to break up because I could see it's out of her

room. One time I threw a, one time I threw a cue ball at a guy's door. Oh my God. His dog or door? They were coming to get me at the comedy store in La Jolla. So they, everybody kept telling me, dog, you shouldn't go, you shouldn't go down there by yourself. They're going to come get you. It was like these three comedians that I got into it. In whatever way. So, you know me, I watch Coda Silence. You guys ever watch Coda Silence? Coda Silence is Chuck Norris. You guys are from a generation where you probably seen the movie with who shot Bobby Lupo. What's his name? Stephen Seagal. And that movie, he uses the cue ball and the hanger. He stole it from Chuck Norris in 1983. Coda Silence.

Tremendous movie. Tremendous movie, Coda Silence. Dennis Farina is in that motherfucking movie. That's one of his early movies. He's, they play cops and they, they get the Columbian Cove. Anyway, back to the situation. Ah, cop second. So I'm sitting there and I can't take this motherfucker. So I put the car in reverse a little bit. And as I'm putting it in reverse, this guy still touches his dick in front of me. And I go, fuck this. And I put the car on the drive and I just gunned this at this fucking guy. And he looks at me and he goes back and he falls against the thing. And I put it in reverse. And as he's running at me, tremendous, he's running. He goes to kick the car and he kicks the car.

But I'm like, I'm going to hit this motherfucker with the car. You guys know me. I'm going to, I'm going to deck him with the car. Fuck no. He knew I meant business. And he turned real quick. And he just hit the glass. And as he hit the glass, I could hear, like his hand just shattered. You understand me? Fuck him. And I just kept going. And my wife didn't say a word for like two miles. She's like, Joe, we got to pull out. What was that? Yeah. What was what? The office was super like a few blocks away. And then he came in 15 minutes late and just told me the story like it was nothing. And he hit a crazy dude at 7-Eleven. Oh my God.

Hey guys, you know, that shit's in your blood sometimes. Sometimes you can just take so much, you know, you got to hit a motherfucker with a car, especially there's nobody around. You got to look around. See, I knew they had a camera at 7-Eleven. It was black and white. And the camera would have seen that he was all creeped up and shit. And I would have said whatever the fuck, you know, I would have mixed it up. And definitely if the cops are coming, you got to run over and kill them because dead men don't tell no tales. You know what I'm saying? That's rule number one. That's rule number three of the church. So what's happening now? Dead men don't tell no tales. So why do you have to murder them? You have to murder them. You just run over to their

head with the car. You know, murder them. Why do people always say murder? No murder. I don't know what happened. He was sitting here. Somebody came with a car. He yelled. I don't know. So you're saying he got hit with a car? I didn't say that. What I said was we were hitting, hanging out, and also some guy passed by with a car. He started yelling. That's it. You got to be very vague, Lee. A lot of people are vague. Everybody wants to tell the story, but got pictures and cameras now. You can't hit nobody with a car now. Somebody's got a fucking camera somewhere. Like a year later, somebody will come. There was a guy up the corner taping some Jupiter. The star of Jupiter, and he saw you hit somebody with a fucking car. I'm just kidding you people. I hit nobody with

a car, right? You people right away started looking at me and getting all fucked up. Lee, what am I going to do with you? I don't know. You got to go to your in-laws now? Yeah. And Mexican people with crucifixes and saints everywhere. There's so many. Do you know what happens when you go in front of those crucifixes? I've been there. Listen to me. I don't know if you remember. I'm Cuban. I grew up in a fucking tremendously Catholic house. Virgin Mary. When you get high in front of those saints, the saints just give all their attention to you as you walk out. You could feel the heat from this statue, you understand? They have their dead dog's ashes. I know they do. That's what we do. Latinos, listen, when our cousins die,

we usually cut a finger. We take it home and we grind it up and we save that too. That's how it is, bro. Latinos fucking hold on to shit. We don't give a fuck. We love the spirits. Every Monday we get up and we put water glasses and flowers and meals for dead people. You understand me? So if I was you, I wouldn't go in front of those saints tonight. I have to. You cannot. They are going to look at you all. You're Jewish. Right off the bat. Listen, right off the bat, there's animosity. Right off the fucking bat, there's animosity. I'm not saying they hate Jews and Jews hate Catholic saints. What I'm saying is right off the way, who's got the biggest dick in the room? Do you need that? Well, I'm the only dick in the room. No. She's got a bunch of saints

and they're all looking at you in virgin hands, right? You said how big of the hands they got together. What? You tell me they got big hands together or what do they have? Jesus' foot. Wasn't it you that told them? No. They have like a big, uh, a sculpture of like the last supper above like their kitchen table. Right. They have like a bunch of Virgin Mary's and crosses and stuff. Okay. What else? And then they have the grandparents. Like the old school 1920s pictures of grandparents. Okay. It's kind of creepy. What? And if it's creepy soba, what do you think it's like when you've eaten an edible and you're sitting there and those grandparents are staring at you because they know that you're fucked up? What does it feel like? Hear me out. I'm not going to hear you out. She's making

cronious art. Fuck the spirits. Fuck the saints. Hell yeah. And then Paul made cookies. It's 24 hour fitness open tomorrow. Yeah. All right. You going to go? Yeah. I went today. Did you? Yeah. How long? Uh, hours, three minutes. How many calories did you burn? Eight hundred. Look at that. You bad motherfucker. You. Well, I have to, after nights with him, we could like go home and eat at two subway sandwiches or just something not two, but just like one subway sandwich and like eight granola bars. And I always have to throw in rice cakes just to piss them off. So because that call would be like what rice paddies are you having tonight? So eight granola bars, right? Eight granola bars and eight rice paddies. That's about 1200 calories, correct?

No. How many? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Granola bars and rice paddies. Yeah. Okay. 1200 calories. And you, and you get what? You get high fiber. So you just shit that out the next day, just like that. And you're not really having a good time when you're eating that. Nobody is partying. Caramel rice cakes are pretty good too. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what people party. That's what the rich and famous are eating. If they're watching their calories. Right. Right. Good. Right. So you, you ate 1200 fucking calories of wugats. Oh yeah. When you could have just had a tremendous cheeseburger deluxe. You ever think of that at night when you go home? You, you end up eating 15. I know, but it's better than fast food. Yeah. Okay. I didn't say fucking fast food. I said, for you to go home,

we got a nice quarter pound of fucking meat. You want me operating fire? What on this high? That's not going to be good. When you're stoned, that's when you cook the best burgers. Oh no way. When you're high, that's when you get creative in your mind. And you look at that burger, and you're like, what does that motherfucker need? Bacon. It needs bacon. It needs some on you. It needs this. And you learn how to cook. That's how you learn how to cook when you're high. Anybody could cook soba. Right. Any fucking anybody could cook. Oh my God. I looked at this recipe tremendous. Let me see you just get high and go, man. I don't know how I did this. Holy shit. This is pretty fucking delicious. When you cook something that's really good

and you're high, you're like, wow, this is really fucking delicious. Yeah. I did that with something you didn't like it. What? The pepperoni and the grilled cheese. It's good. Who the fuck eats pepperoni and grilled cheese? It's good. It's delicious. It's fucking horrific. You don't like pepperoni, you don't like pepperoni pizza? Maybe. Maybe. Pepperoni on like a spicy Italian sandwich with gabbagool and fucking provolone. Well, sometimes you know gabbagool. And some fucking lettuce. You mix it up good with the good family. Yeah, you got to mix up lettuce. See, this is what I'm talking about guys. This guy, he goes to subway. He don't eat the fucking cabbage. He eats that turkey fucking baloney, which is worse for you than anything in the world.

How are you buddy? I'm good. Not as high as you. I just got fucking somebody in here came in here with dog hair. And I can't breathe right now. You motherfucker. How dare you? I can't breathe. I haven't had a fucking problem since I got an ear infection or some shit. I just got a... Do you want them to bring you a tissue? No, I don't want you to bring me a fucking tissue. Oh, then I'll do how to go in here. Don't bring me no fucking tissue. I got a sleeve. I need the tissue. Right or wrong. Who fucking meant dog? We blow our noses on this motherfucker. I blow my nose on old socks. My wife just looks at me like... Like if they're on the floor, I just pick them up and blow my fucking nose.

Underwear, shorts. I don't give a fuck. If I could save a tissue, shit. I'll fucking save a tissue. That box, my wife puts it behind me. So I gotta stretch my arm. I have bad shoulders. So it pisses me off. So at night when I get home, I take my socks off. And I keep them close by, right by the couch there. And then, no, but they're not socks that have been on all day either, lady. I'm not like the rest of these fucking animals. Let me break this fucking down to you, all right? I get up in the morning after breakfast. I wash my pussy. Let's break it down. And I put a new pair of socks on. Then I have activities throughout the day.

And I wash my pussy again. So that's about two, three o'clock. Then about whatever the rest of the day. Change socks? Yeah, I change fucking socks. She's supposed to change socks. Nobody takes a shower and puts on the same fucking socks. Unless you're in fucking prison and you say, you know, you don't, you don't get laundry privileges or some shit. How many pairs of socks do you own? A thousand of them. When I go to other cities and I spot a Walmart, that's what a player does, you understand me? When you go to another city, especially a fat city, anything in Texas, if they have two XL socks, that means they're nine XL for the natural motherfucker, right?

So I buy socks everywhere I go, Lee. So I always have socks. So I take another shower and then I say, I have a spot that night, but I've been on the floor with my daughter, petting the cat, smoking dope, scratching my nuts and sniffing my fingers. You know, because sometimes you scratch your balls and you scratch your neck. One of you guys gives me a hug tonight. You're like, his neck smells like balls. What the fuck? That's not right. What, what type of gay guy is Joey? Why would, do they rub nuts on the right side of his neck? What type of cult is that? So, so I take another shower. I'm a fat dude, bro. You know, you have crevices

when you're a fat dude and you got to hit them all and keep them all clean. I got the loofah and then I got a baby loofah. I got a big loofah and a baby loofah. The big loofah, the big loofahs for everything else, the foot, everything. And the baby loofah is for around the asshole to get the, to get the barnacles. Dog, if you shit enough, shit sticks to the walls. It's like a, it's like a ship. They got barnacles, same thing. Even if you take two showers and wipe your ass, you're going to have like a shotgun. You know what I'm saying? Like, like a little zero. Does anyone have barnacles? I've never had a barnacle. Not barnacle, but like after dust, like, like after.

It's just surround. Oh my God is right. Right, right or wrong. Right or wrong. Who wants to go down there and lick somebody's asshole and they got barnacle juice around their asshole? I mean, you're still licking the heat of the moment because you're down. You know what I'm saying? But fuck. So I, you know, I'm not that anybody's licking my asshole. I just, just in case we get captured. What if I get captured by a bus, a woman full of recovering cocksuckers, right? And half of them are addicted to rim jobs, right? And they take me off the 170 because that's where people are going to lick your asshole, take you. Right or wrong. Nothing good ever happens on the 170. You ever get on the 170, you're always

going to do something bad. This ain't right, dog. You're not taking me to see me valley, are you? We're going to fucking see me valley and shit. No, I'm just kidding you. I'm not here to hurt nobody's feelings. I like see me valley. That's the only mall. There's only three stores left on that motherfucker. You go down. You go that mall and Stevie Malley. It's got AIDS. It's skinny as fuck. It's got a taco place, an ice cream place, and like a fucking GNC cup puts. That's it. I went up there a few weeks ago, cup puts. That's it. So I got two loophers. My wife always goes, what the little one for? Mind your business for my toenails. Not for my fucking toenails, for my asshole, and deep under the nutsack because that's where the algae develops deep down there.

Whatever. I'm not here to criticize, but Lee takes one shot one day. How you going to live on one shower daily? And you take it in the morning by six o'clock at night, your ass. No, I take it after I go to the gym. So you wake up in the morning and you sit with that rotten asshole day from the night before. If I don't have anywhere to go, yeah. Because what the fuck do you think happens to your asshole at night while you're sleeping? Fumes come out of your body, right? And they're not like the air fumes that again, they surround your asshole like barnacles. You don't see them and around your ass. No, you don't. I get furious if I take a shower and then I got a shit like that ruins my morning because now I got to walk around with rotten ass.

Stoke them 306. I know what my ass smells like. It's rotten. After a shit, I take a drive to Santa Monica. My ass is on fire. I'm gonna lie to your people. You know what I'm saying? We're family. Anyway. I saw my, I did a colonoscopy this year and they send you a camera. They put a camera in your butt that goes through your, you know, they really do. I'm not messing with you guys. You know what? I'm going to post the pictures on Facebook. No, no. Just one. You're going to get banned for life in like two minutes. No, no, no. They don't like butthole pictures going on Facebook. Listen, somebody's pussy in some of these assholes, two different things, right? Especially when it's

anonymous. We'll put it on one of, we'll put it on one of Joey Diaz pages. It's anonymous. But you just said it right now. What? You just said it right now. Well, family, there's no rats in the room. We think these guys are going to get up one morning and see the picture of my asshole. We know that asshole, you know. Contact Facebook. It's abusive, you know. Listen, I don't know if there's a reward. I know. You should make a Twitter avatar for a few days. I know who's asshole. How do I know? How do I know? Let me tell you what I want. These are my demands. I want free advertising. Joey Diaz. That's who's asshole. How do I know? Listen to live podcast 18 at the 238 mark. He states it right there. It's a warrant for his arrest right there.

Now, how do I collect my motherfucking reward? I can't put a picture of my, and it's the out, the camera, the camera work is tremendous. All these people, oh, Avatar was spectacular. Not really. When you see the guy who shot my asshole, because the camera starts like eight inches away from your asshole, then I don't know how they open it. I didn't want to know. I never asked. I was knocked out. They knocked you out, right? And they put a camera that goes into your muffler, and it looks at your esophagus all the way to your small intestines, your large intestines. It looks to all through in there. It's amazing. It's like, wait till you're 50. You have to get it done. Your insurance company will call you and

say, hey, you got to go down. And at first they shock you because they're like, Mr. Diaz, hi, this is Kaiser Permanente. Do you have a minute? And you're in the car like, you know, yeah, I got a minute. What's up? Listen, you know, because at first, if you went for a blood test, you don't have a minute. Wrong number. Oh, fuck it. Tell me I got chlamydia or something like that. I told the bitch it went away. First of all, they called me. They caught me all fucked up. They're like, listen, Mr. Diaz, wait to speak to you. Are you alone? Yes, I am. We need for you to defecate in the cup and senateize. I thought it was a joke. Why? We need for you to defecate in the cup and senateize. We'll send

you a cup in the mail. I'm like, whatever, yeah, all right. I'm not gonna shit in somebody's cup and send it in the mail. That's a felony for sure. If you sent me a couple of shit, I call the cops. And I just got a... There's this Facebook. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. It's amazing. The year's already gone, guys. That's it. Tonight, I was getting in the car on my way up here. I was going to a weed store the second time and I was sitting in the car and I'm like, you know, I'm excited. It's 2015. I'm excited for my daughter, for Lee, you know, the podcast and shit. I'm like, but every day that goes is one less

day we live. That's basically it. You know, you don't think about it that way. I was like, wow, another fucking new year. I still remember being New Year's 83 driving my friend to the hospital because they bit his ear off in a baggie with ice in it. Unbelievable. And my friend had his ear driving down Kennedy Boulevard with a baggie with the kid's ear in it. And he's in the back with ice in his ear. And all of a sudden, here I am, like a man with this fucking Google. I'm about to poison like how fast it went. I was telling Lee the other day, you're 26 fucking... It goes fucking fast, guys. I'm being 26, then 33, then 41, then 48. It goes by fucking fast. So get up tomorrow. It's a new year. Write your goals and get ready to sling some dick. They ain't stopping you. That's it.

That's the truth. I'm happy you guys came out tonight. Thank you very much for the bottom of my heart. Happy New Year. I love you guys. Thank you, guys. I got a half a joint hidden by the garbage can. There's a pipe over. There's two pipes. I got it in there. You know me, I'm half a Puerto Rican. So I'll be out there. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, man. I didn't know where to go with this tonight. I love you guys. We're a little podcast that putts along because of you guys, but you get to see it and unwind with us and whatever. So thank you. God bless you. I'm gonna fuck watches your back. I love

you guys. Have a happy and great new year. Anything you want next year, please fucking go for it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Get a gun. Fuck it. Fuck it. Do it. Do it. Fuck it.