Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #018 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

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Oh, I forgot. I got to light the fucking candle here. For the Espiritos Malos. Pink. Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Hey, what's going on? What's happening? Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. Hey, what's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's Wednesday, December 2nd. It's fucking Christmas month.

It's the countdown to fucking Christmas. Who's better than you and Uncle Joey will be here with you throughout the whole fucking thing. I know that, listen, this time of the year is kind of fucking hard for some people. Some people just walk around like Merry Christmas, like Merry Christmas. You know, that's great. You know, you're having a good time. You're part of it. But for some people, Christmas is a rough time of the year. We'll be here this year all the way till New Year's. No reason to be depressed or fucking sad. Uncle Joey will be here twice a week. You got the Patreon. No reason to be fucking ho-hum. You know what I'm saying? Unless you're broke, then you're reason to be ho-hum.

But that means you're giving out some fucking strong handshakes for Christmas. Handshakes like a motherfucker to share for Christmas. Merry Christmas with a deep look in your eye. No reason to be ashamed. It's one of those years where you fucking, the year was a kaput. Everybody's saying that, you know, I'm looking at a lot of comedians that go on, this was that breakout year. Fuck nuts. This was everybody breakout year. We all got fucking shit on the bed. But what are you going to do? Put it up on fucking Instagram? This would have been my breakthrough year. What are we going to do? Suck more dick? Well, who gives a fuck?

There's nothing you can do about it. You can look at it and keep complaining and the other kind of that. Listen, we got to move beyond fucking COVID to the next stage, which is 2021. That's it. 2020 is fucking dead. Whatever the fuck. Use your credit cards. Use them. Who gives a fuck? Who knows where we're going to end up? Light them on fire. When MasterCard calls you, tell them to suck your dick. Do what I did in 90. I just told them to suck my dick. You're not getting a dime out of me. Go eat your oatmeal and come back. You know what I'm saying? You ain't getting nothing out of me. The last thing we were talking about, my journey as a basketball player and how by me quitting, that fucking destroyed me for years.

I had a hard, hard time with that because now it became a pattern. I just kept quitting everything. Every time I did something and I was bad at it, I just quit at it. Or if I didn't like it, that gave me the right to quit at it. Quit. I had fucking major league opportunities. For the last couple of weeks, I've been talking to you guys, like one of my friends I talked to now. They're all in their fucking 50s, but I forgot you guys are all in your 20s and 30s. And you're just learning to navigate your way through life. Some of you are in school. Some of you are working on master's programs.

But the thing that you all fucking share is that you're all looking for the answer, like the fucking answer. When we're 20, all we want is the fucking answer. That's it. Like, how am I going to get to the next level? What am I going to do? What am I going to do after college? You got these fucking student loans. You know, for me, I didn't know what the fuck to do. I, you know, once I quit basketball, the second thing I quit that I regretted with all my heart was high school. Listen, if you look now, look at your life and look at your successes. High school was just really like a fucking country club for you for a couple more years.

It just bought you time, you know, to have the shit you learned in high school. It doesn't even apply to what you're fucking doing today socially or in your job. But high school is one of those things that you need to do. I loved going to high school. I love school. For me, it was, you know, a fucking studio 54, but I quit. I quit. It was, it was so easy for me to quit basketball. Once I quit high school, I was, I was putting together a pattern that I didn't even know I was doing. That's what we do. We do shit and we don't, and it's called denial to some people, to some people.

It's just life. You just don't look at yourself in that fucking realm that I just quit high school. When I quit high school, I felt really, really bad about myself. I don't want you to think I felt really shitty about myself. I had to turn off a part of myself. There's specific days in my youth that I remember just feeling really shitty about myself. That day was one that I felt shitty about myself. The day I couldn't pay my credit card bills because I'm the type of fucking guy I like to pay my fucking bills. The day after I got divorced, like three or four months after I got separated, I just went rogue and just refused to pay my fucking bills.

It was a big joke. We laughed. I didn't pay my bills. That's not good. That wasn't good. I quit. Everything I was doing, I was always quitting. I wasn't good at that shit. And I tell you what really fucking changed me a lot. Again, when we're here and we're all fun and games and when I'm on fucking Ryan Sickler's podcast, with comedians, we're supposed to give light to dark things. When you watch the Sopranos, they go to give an intervention to Chrissie Maltesante and it turns into a fucking fight. People get hit with chairs and whatnot.

Yes, it's an exaggeration. Yes, it could happen. But yes, it's also dark comedy. It's also giving light to a dark situation. What I did with the church and all those years and my jokes and whatever was give light. That's what comics do. We give light to a dark situation, but I never want you to get, I never want you to be wrong on this. From those young ages, because of quitting basketball, quitting high school, my shit was dark. I overlooked it a lot in our conversations. I was a mess when I was 20, 21, 22. That kind of had the people around me that took care of me. I had the Burkles that took care of me in Colorado. I came back to Jersey in 84 and I had good friends around me. Yeah, there was a drug craze going on and everybody was going fucking nuts.

I had a support group. I had something to fall back on. A support of criminals, obviously. A support group of criminals saying that that's a great fucking TV show, a support group of criminals. But I'm not pitching TV shows right now. I'm just pitching my life to you guys. It was so weird that my support group was headquarters, was a bar and you talked about the bullshit you were going to do for the day. But I think what really fucking changed me, something I gave a lot of light to and joked around with, was prison. Prison, and I hate to say the word prison because it really didn't feel like a prison. Let's just say my time away in college was a great time for me because it's really funny who we don't and do listen to. I have situations here at home where I'm not a professional boxer. I don't know anything about boxing.

I know one, two. I know a couple combinations. I know some footwork stuff. But I don't know about boxing, but I know how to hold mitts for people. And last week, my daughter was taking a yellow belt test and kickboxing. So one of the nights I came down here with, I wanted to be sharp for the test. I go, you want to be sharp for the test? She's like, yeah, so I brought it down to the garage and we just kicked the mitts a little bit. And I was just giving the combinations that they were going to ask her. It was a left jab with a left fucking elbow with a right cross or a right kick. And we were just practicing it over and over and over again.

You know, after 15 minutes, 12 minutes, 15 minutes, she kind of lost interest with me. And I get it. You know why? She doesn't look at me as her karate teacher. She looks at me as her fucking dad as a fat fuck. He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Little did she know I went to fucking martial arts or those years. I know a couple things still, how to stand, how to fucking point your toes, how to move your ankle. When you throw that kick to get a little bit more leverage so you don't fucking tear up your fucking meniscus in your knee. There's still a couple things I know that I get mad at her. No, because I know how kids are. We don't want to learn from fucking your father and mother. You want to learn from the karate teacher.

You know, I could sit there with her for two hours going over a math problem. She looks at me like I'm a fucking idiot. Okay, fine. I lost my credibility with my Spanish lessons. She failed a couple of tests because of my Spanish, because our Spanish is different. But you know, the math I'm going over with her is the same math they teach her in school. She thinks I'm a fucking jerk off. And I get it because I'm not a teacher. I'm not certified. She doesn't see me at the fucking school. Again, she sees me as her dad. The same thing happens to us in life. People pull us aside. People might say something to us. We got our feelings fucking hurt. So nine out of ten people won't say nothing to you.

When I consider my friend, somebody a fucking friend, and I see it, they're slipping. I give them a fucking while. You know what I'm saying? It's none of my business. But after a while, you got to say something to them. You got to go, hey, man, come here for a second. You're better than this shit. You know, you can't be doing this, even if it's some meanie or whatever. It just, we're not all perfect. That's the beauty about this fucking life. But it's so funny how for years, people tried to give me advice. I didn't want advice. I wanted the answer. I wanted the answer to make a million dollars, right? Nobody wants advice. We just want to make a million dollars.

I just want to make a million dollars. I want a yacht. I want some bitches in the back dancing with bikinis. I want a fucking expensive penthouse apartment. But I don't want the answers to how I could make that possible. I just want it. And when people can't give you that answer, you're like, ah, fuck it. You're a fucking bum. Or who the fuck are you? Your father left you some money. I learned to take advice. I took advice from a few people along the way. You know what I'm saying? People I cared about, but come on, man. When you're fucking 20, you take advice that goes in one and it goes out the fucking other even quicker. Because we'll know it all. It's not you. It's not the guy that's watching. It's fucking me, too.

I thought I had the fucking answers and we don't have the fucking answer. But something really weird happened. I had awakening points along the way. You know, like, did I think I was a funny guy? Not like that. Not like when I saw a Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor movie. Not when I saw an Eddie Murphy movie. Not when I saw like a fucking, like a David Brenner special. When I first saw Eddie Murphy Delirious, did I see myself as being funny like that? Not even fucking close. I didn't even see myself in a fucking movie. I didn't see myself in any of those fucking goddamn things. The first time somebody came up to me and said, if you can stand up comedy, I was 24 fucking years old.

And I'm like, what did you just say? I wasn't too crazy about the guy either. When he first came up to me and told me, you know, you got your mind on other things. Like in those days, there was only two things that could have had my mind on. Drugs or more fucking drugs, you know. I mean, I was fucking a mental midget. And he pulled me aside like a man, you know. I was still a fucking kid. I was 24 going on 12. And he pulled me aside and he's like, hey man, you know, I've been doing this for a long time. I don't know if you know what I did before I sold cars and I'm a retired entertainment director. And I'm like, you gonna hit me with this bullshit right now? Do I look like I even have the fucking stand up comedy?

What are you talking about? And then it took some time and then I did the crime. And somebody else had told me in between the time I was waiting to get sentenced. I used to go to a swim program in Boulder called the master swimming program. The teacher's name was Jane. You had to be there at six a.m. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. And you'd swim your fucking asshole. I figured I'd get the swimming shape before I went to prison. So I dedicated myself to the master swimming program. I went three times a week. And the guy who got me into it was a UPS guy that everybody was sucking his dick. I can't believe I wasn't even sucking his dick. You know, those guys are just everybody's suckers dick.

UPS guys get their dick sucked more than anybody, you understand me? They make Harvey Weinstein look like a fucking daycare. You don't get your package until they suck their dick. You know, people sucking dick for their package. I know UPS guys for years. They'll tell you fucking horror stories about the sex they have on their fucking routes. And there was this UPS guy. I was working on Hertz, rented a car. And there was this UPS guy. I would see him pull his car, his truck up, and he would be on that block for an hour just talking to bitches and shit. And then I would see him fucking. This is no lie.

I would see him in the back of the truck taking his fucking wedding band out of his socks and putting it back on his finger. I'm like, that motherfucker's a savage. But as much as a savage as he was, we befriended one another. You know, I would say hello to him. I mean, that's the obvious thing to say. When somebody's walking into a building, you go, hello. So he would walk into the building and go, hello. We started talking one day. He did have the body of a fucking bodybuilder and I asked him, what else do you do to get in shade? And he goes, number one thing is I left the weights alone.

I started swimming. I go, fuck, maybe I should start swimming. So I would ride my bike there three days a week and one day I'm gonna walk out. He looked at me and he was, and this is like, I'm a month away from getting sensed. Like I'm waiting for the call. We're going through the process of community corrections and whatnot. And I'm a month away from getting fucking, from getting sensed. You know, a month, maybe two away, like there was rumors. There was also rumors that might push the case back to 1989 because of Bella. So I wasn't really focusing on it. And one day he said to me, he goes, hey man,

have you ever thought about getting hit the sand up calmly? And I'm like, why? Have you ever thought of becoming a comedian? And I'm like, not really. I mean, when people would come up to me with the thought of becoming a stand up comic, I never really, I was like, stand up comedy. I can't even not do coke for nights a week. I have no self discipline. The only self discipline I had was to lift weights and to ride a bike and to stay in shape. I was eating like an animal. I was just fucking lifting that many weights and riding that many bikes.

And I was that fucking active. But it really wasn't how I got locked up. I got locked up. I had been put on check a couple times after my mother died, but not really. Nobody had really checked me. My uncle checked me at 84. We had a little misunderstanding in Los Angeles. And he checked me. And because of his check, I didn't talk to him for fucking 20 years. It was basically, yeah, we didn't talk from 1984 to 2009 to a couple months before I married my wife.

So you think about that. That's how sensitive I used to be. If you'd say something to me, I just wouldn't fucking talk to you. Doesn't that sound familiar? When somebody says something to us that could empower us, we actually get mad at them as human beings. That's our natural fucking response. Fuck this guy. Who the fuck does he say that to me? Even though he didn't call me out in front of people, he didn't say nothing to me in front of a bunch of people. He didn't hit me up on Facebook and try to embarrass you.

These are men. These are people that will call you. My uncle's argument was one-on-one. What he felt about how I was living and how I was raised was one-on-one. He was letting me know his fucking opinion. And I took it. I didn't like what he had to say, and I'd swore to fucking kill him. That's how retarded I was. That's just to let you know how fucking sensitive we are when somebody calls us out for us to make us better. Another guy, this guy called me out. He didn't call me out.

He told me a fact. He told me a fact about myself. I'm going to tell you today, and I'm also going to tell you how that fact worked. He was my counselor in prison, and I had to do it a test or whatever. I told the story a thousand times, but he told me that if he had something that I wanted, he might as well give it to me. Because if I wanted that bad, I could take it from him. That didn't sit on my fucking moon. That didn't sit with me well. Again, I pulled what Joey Diaz did, what most punks fucking do, instead of embracing the words, thinking about him, and going back to him like a man. What did I do?

I fucking avoided the guy and wished him fucking death. Then it took me about two or three weeks to realize. In fact, he called me and checked me again and told me, you got mad because I told you the truth, and that's what pussies do. When you tell somebody the truth about their life, they get fucking mad instead of saying, you know what? You got a fucking point. That wrapped up what I had been going through all those years. See, when the judge sent me to jail, he didn't send me to jail because I kidnapped Bella. He knew that was a fucking one ring circus.

That was a fucking circus. If any other court that would have gotten thrown the fuck out, but it was bolder, they were all, he kidnapped the guy and put him in a trunk of a car. It was a drug deal. Well, it's a drug deal. All fucking bets are off, not a fucking boy. But they made a big deal about it. They wanted to call it a kidnapping, which it was. I'm not disagreeing with anybody.

I fucked up. But when, you know, he told me that I had, you know, I could take something from, I took it as I was going to be a thief the rest of my fucking life. No, he was telling me that if I really wanted something, if I really, really wanted something that I could go for it, and it took me fucking six weeks to process that. Six weeks. It took me a process that thought of what he said to me. He probably said to me like the last week of December. And I got out of that halfway out of the camp, maybe mid February and the March more towards the mid February, because it was around my birthday. But it took me six weeks to process what he had said to me.

And it scared me. It scared me so much that it stopped me from doing stand up. Because what he let me know was the answer that I was looking for. The answer that all you motherfuckers are looking for is the what what you're scared of is what the result might be. That's what you're scared of. What the result might be. What is the result going to be if you go and lift weights every day? Not every day.

If you have a program and stick to it four days a week and maybe drink water and fucking walk to the fucking grocery instead of driving. What's the result you're going to get after a year or two? You're going to have a way better physique. You're going to be a lot stronger. Your immune system is going to be a lot better. There's so many different things if you stick with that fucking workout program. Right now, we're in a lockdown. Depending on where you live, what country you live, I mean, you want some type of fucking lockdown.

And a lot of people are confused. A lot of people are away from their focus. I was one of those fucking people. And it took me 60 days, 80 days to step out of my body and look in and see what the fuck is going on, what we're going to do here. We decided to fucking move. It regressed me. It may be more of a mess. It took me the whole month of September to fucking get my ground up, you know, lift weights, eliminate some of the fears I had, you know, watch my daughter go to school.

Thank God for Mikey Klein, my fucking Johnny Gumbaz. He called me up and he said, get up off your ass. It's time to do this podcast. We don't need fucking try fucking cities media here to show up with 20 cameras and the fucking crew with COVID. We don't need this shit. And here we are fucking eight weeks later, 18 fucking podcasts under our belt. We're not the best fucking podcast out there, but we're getting through. That's the most important thing we're getting through.

We formed the platform for us to communicate. And I'm very proud. You know, there's not 18 people here. I'm not getting makeup shot on me and shit like that. But that's not what I want anyway. I just wanted a platform to talk to you guys to let you know that you should not be scared of what you could become. Never be fucking scared of what you could become by trying. Some people don't fucking try because we're fucking scared of the outcome.

Doug, I'm still doing it with this fucking book. Every day I look at this fucking book, I got to call the agent and tell him where you got to go. We're going to have to go try it because I want you to have this material in this book. There's so many stories I want you to read instead of listening to. I want you to read them and look at them and feel. Because I've read them and I've looked at them and I've felt and said, fuck. This is a great story to read, you know. I just don't have, so I fall apart with the fucking books on there.

And I know I'm that fucking close from a breakthrough where I could connect everything I want to say. But for right now, I can't do it. But if you look at the podcast from day one from October 1st to the podcast of December 1st, I'm getting better and better. It's just been a fucking process. Why? Because I stuck with it. Yeah, I got my fucking fears. What's the fear I got? What's all fear can you have? Failure? If you're scared to fucking fail, shoot yourself now. End it because you're going to fail on something three or four times a fucking week.

I know I do. I'm not better than any of you motherfuckers. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like you fucking guys. But that fucking shit he told me, there was two fucking check-ins that destroyed me. When people call you the fuck out, people today call you out for the dumbest fucking things that aren't going to change your life. They're just going to embarrass you. That's not why you call somebody out. You call somebody out, not on YouTube. You call somebody out, you call them. You meet them. You say, listen, man, I've been watching you for a long time

and you're a dear friend and I think you're spinning your wheels in this direction and I think you should take this direction and trust me, five out of ten friends are going to be pissed off at you for a while, maybe lose you as a friend, maybe whatever the fuck. But if you're going in there with your intentions are right from your heart, listen, I just can't anymore. I can't go up to people. You know, the stand-ups that I've known for a couple of years, that will call me because they're stuck and I'll tell them how I feel.

There's a few people on Patreon that I have smacked around on Patreon because this is what they want in the dear happy section. And they have come back and said, hey, Joey, thank you. I fucking needed that. But I'll just tell them, you know, get up, y'all, if you fucking pussy ass, you really, you're going to end up sucking dick behind a fucking alley for subway veggie and cheese sandwiches. And this is what you need to fucking do. If you don't want to do it, take your fucking Patreon and get the fuck.

There's been like three or four guys and it hasn't been in a negative way. Like I've attacked them. They've asked me for the advice. But then like a soft way, they want it like soft advice. I had to give them the hard advice. I had to twist it up on them a little bit because that's what they fucking paid me for on Patreon. They don't pay me to be nice to you on Facebook. They're like, listen, man, I'm having these struggles. What is it that I fucking need to do? And I lay into them the same way

I lay into myself in the fucking mornings when I'm lazy, when I'm not motivated. Trust me, I'm always fucking motivated. And it's not money that motivates me. Let me tell you what motivates me. Life, being fucking happy, knowing that I did what was on that list for the day. Whatever was on that fucking list for the day, I did it today. Whether there's three things, two things, one thing. I might do an extra thing from fucking Thursday.

I might do a thing from next week. There's always things for you to fucking do. Write a sentence, write a joke from the grace of God. I've been waking up a little early and trying to write jokes. They got awful, got awful, got awful. I don't know what the fuck happened to my comedy. I was never really a comedy writer anyway. I would write down ideas, take them on stage and see what direction that takes me.

That's what I do at Vinny's. I write down notes and I take, do you know the last time I went to Vinny's? I actually had a really good fucking spot last Wednesday night. You know, I tell you the truth. My number was number one hardest critic. I had the best spot I ever had. Do you know I wrote six jokes? I put them on a piece of paper and I forgot to say all six of the fucking jokes.

So do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? I'm having problems with my fucking memory too. I still got the sheet that's on top of my desk. Not two new jokes, not three new jokes. Six things that I just wanted to throw in there and fucking, you know, look at me, I feel like Walter MacAdo giving you a fucking horoscope right now. You know, not two things. That's how bad my memory is, but that's why.

Because I'm living in the fucking moment. I don't even need my memory no more. I just want to tell you what's what I'm going through right now. And right now I'm feeling a lot better than what I did fucking three months ago or two months ago. And Mike, he's like, Doug, we got to start a fucking podcast. I was not feeling it. I was not feeling like talking to people, but just rapping with you guys, just rapping through Patreon, you know, pushing myself to do stand up.

Listen, nothing in your life. I don't want to do nothing. You're like, Joey, what are you talking about? I don't want to do nothing. If it was up to me, I would get up every day, order Chinese food, and go down the couch and watch TV. That's, you want to know the truth. That's my perfect fucking utopia right there.

Is waking up, maybe taking a shower, maybe in like a fucking bowl of golden grams. Like some nice sweet fucking cereal, right or wrong. A nice little box of Captain Crunch after a joint of fucking debt. Who's better than you, right? Wouldn't that be the fucking life just to wake up and be able to do that? Lunchtime, eat some fucking Chinese food, some ribs, a few egg rolls, maybe take a nap, smoke a joint, fucking go somewhere. Bah! No exercise.

I'm waiting for the Armenian to come get me. Once I hit 600, I might do a toe touch, you know what I'm saying? But I'm going for broke in. That was my motivation. You know, when I was 20, that was my secret motivation. If I could figure out how to just sit around all day and be a waste of fucking life, I would have been happy with that. I would have figured.

If somebody would give me, if Clearinghouse would have came over here, give me a check for fucking 500 million. Oh, I wouldn't have bought anything. I wouldn't have bought a piece of property. I wouldn't have had an investment portfolio. I would have snorted. I would have gave somebody like two million just to hold for me until I snort the rest away. Whatever, hospital bills, I lose a foot.

All the expenses of fucking just being a coke fiend. And then I would have just got like a trailer park somewhere, like in some bum fuck town, nice white trashy people, you know, the ones I like. They come out with a Leonard Skinner shirt in the morning and ask you if you have an extra coffee filter. You know, those people, like I need a coffee filter. Who needs a fucking coffee filter at seven in the morning? You realize this shit at night before you go to bed, before you set up the fucking coffee. Anyway, I don't even know.

I don't even know what I'm talking about that shit. But I think of Mr. Blue. That was his name. My counselor in fucking prison camp was Mr. Blue. He fucking, you know, I had a problem with accepting responsibility. And we all do. That's another problem of the fucking 20s that, you know, I didn't do it. He didn't.

He made me do it. It was his fucking idea. So it was just a pattern. I had this quitting pattern and I had a pattern that nothing was ever my fault. I was late because the bus was late. I was late because the alarm clock didn't go off. I was late because Mikey took too long in the shower. I was always late.

There was always no fucking responsibility. There's two things. We're coming into a new year into 2021. Let me tell you something. By the damage of 2020, you're going to have to work double the amount of 2021. You got two things to remember here. You could work double. You could kill yourself.

You could spend your wheels. But there's two things you got to remember for 2021. Have a fucking plan. Have a plan for 2021 because you can't have two bad years in a row. You'll never recover from that. You'll never recover from that. And whatever plans you have and whatever goals you have, fucking go for them. And I'm not talking about, listen, everybody's got the wrong, you know,

I had a roommate once that told me when you want something, put a picture of it up on the wall and you'll get it. So what did I do? I went out and Joe Jericho often bought a picture of a Ferrari Testarosa, a white one. I put it on my wall. Go out in my driveway. See if I got a Ferrari Testarosa out there.

I don't even have a Testarosa. I don't even have a Ferrari bicycle. I don't even have a Testarosa. You know what I'm saying? Like, nothing ever showed up. Nothing ever showed up just because I put a picture of it up on a fucking wall. So for years, I would put up like pictures of Maserati's and pictures of Aruba. Ask me if I've gone to Aruba.

I don't even know what a fucking Aruba is. You know why? Because I didn't work towards those fucking goals. You got to write this shit down. You got to go, you know what? I want a Testarosa. What do I need to do to get that Testarosa? Oh, I got about 15 midgets.

I got to fucking rob that. You know, there's things you got to do. I got to wake up every morning. I got to put away $300 a week. I got to, you know, planning is so fucking important. And then I have to fucking Mr. Blue sat me down and told me that shit that I could do whatever I wanted to. If I put my mind to it, because that's what he was really saying to me.

That's all he was trying to say to me, just in a different form. He was like, if I had something that you wanted, no, just fucking break it down for me. I'm gonna make me feel like more of a thief than what I am. He broke it down for me even a little better. He broke it down for me in the senses. You want something and you put your mind to something. There's no reason why you can't end up in that neighborhood or close fucking to it. And I got to tell you something.

He's been absolutely right. You know, we don't have confidence in who we're going to become if we take the path that we're supposed to take. And I was one of those people. I didn't have confidence in who I was going to become. But I got to tell you something. Because I put my time in, because I took my beatings, because I ate dick on stage, because I did good podcasts. And before I did, because I did bad podcasts is the reason why we're here fighting through this podcast right now. Think about it.

I want you to see what I've done since July 15th on Patreon and since we started this podcast. And how different I look, how different I'm acting. Listen, I've looked at those old churches. Yeah, they're funnier. But they were a little bit of sad. It's sad. You can't see my fucking eyes. My eyelids were always fucking purple.

I had my street dollar fucking shirt on all the time and it looked like a fucking bomb peak. I look at those podcasts today and yeah, we had a great time doing them. It was great to do them. I'm proud I got to experience some of my belt. But that's a complete different fucking other person. That's scary when you look at something that you did three months ago. The last podcast I did was basically August 15th with Lee. Still lovely.

Talked to him last night and I think against Lee, Lee's my dog. But those are two different completely people in there. I've evolved that much since then and it scares the shit out of me. I'm completely different than who I was in that box on Thumson Street. Completely different individual. My thought process, what's in my heart, what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, completely different. And it was just a short fucking time ago, August 15th. I told you guys, I was talking to Josh Wolf the other day and he asked me if I'm still doing a certain bit.

And I go, I did it the other night and I did it like two weeks ago the week I bombed. But listen, even with a great bit, I bombed the second week. Why? It's not who I am anymore. It's just not the same problem. I have the same thought process. Are the jokes still funny to me? Yeah, they make me giggle, but it's not what I want to be talking about and what I want to be saying. To be honest with you guys, I have no fucking idea what I want to be saying.

I'm on stage right now. I have no way to look. I have looked at what's going on. I'm an old man. I'm trying to raise my daughter. I'm getting old. I got to get knee surgery. Don't worry about nothing.

Hopefully it'll be this month. Why not? I'm fucking, my knees been fucked up. I've been walking around in fucking pain. Why not go down there and get it done? It's a three day. I got to sit on the fucking couch. They want you walking after two or fucking three days.

Why not? What else am I going to do with my beautiful fucking precious time? When I'm going on the road in January, they might lock things up until fucking, you know, we find out who the new president is or what's going on. You know what I mean? No fucking politics, no religion. I don't know nothing. So by the time all this thing gets chased up, whatever they're going to do up in Minneapolis,

whatever they're going to do COVID with the fucking testing, I might as well get my knee done and maybe go back to Jiu Jitsu. I might go back to kickbox and go back to something else besides fucking just lifting weights all the time. Last week I threw a couple of punches at the fucking bag. I threw a couple of kicks just to loosen up those muscles. But it's time to do something else. I want to go to a different gym and meet different people and get out there and talk to different, the other sandwiches. But sorry about the knee surgery and getting you off the topic. I want to talk to you about, you know, when somebody pulls you aside

and talks to you from the heart, don't take it that bad. The next fucking talking to what I got was the one that changed who the fuck I was as a comic. That one was horrid, but at the same time, I still thank him today. I stole a clue to him in my prayers because he turned me into a comedian with that speech that day. You know, I went back to Colorado in 893. I was here for nine months just trying to get my footing, trying to make a little extra money just to get a little bumper before I went to back to Colorado to go up against my ex-wife and I had made my mind up that comedy was the path I was choosing. I was like, fuck it, this is all I could do is just comedy.

I might as well just fucking go for it. This is all I got. I don't have a rich family. I don't have a fucking food stand. You know, this is all I fucking got. So I moved back to Denver and I just, I went out every night. I went out as much as I could. I covered myself with comedy, you know. At that time for me, it was either doing drugs or comedy. Those were the two interests I had. You know, I put on like Black Sabbath, a humanizer eye and all that music.

I didn't even know that music was out. I had no idea what was going on. I was so deep involved with fucking comedy and drugs. I didn't even know what the fuck was going on in the world socially. The only thing that saved me is I had MTV. And one day I just started saying fucking, I swear to God, I saw a video for Super Unknown for fellow on Black Days. I didn't even know what grunge was.

I used to watch a little bit of MTV, whatever. And I remember like them talking about Kurt Cobain and the Seattle sound. And I was like, what the Kurt Cobain? Come on, I grew up on the fucking Beatles. Now you're going to compare this guy to John Lennon. So I didn't even know what the fuck was happening. I had no idea what was going on in the world of music. There was no albums. There was no turntables. There was nothing.

My whole fucking room was covered with comedy videos, notebooks, and drug paraphernalia. That's all I was fucking doing. And it was funny. I was making progress in my own little way. I was moving forward. I was kicking ass, you know, kicking ass. If I made $20 a week, I was making a lot of money. But for me at the time, it wasn't about money. It was just about getting on stage, getting the basis down,

and becoming a better comic. So Tuesday nights was the open mic at the Comedy Works. After I got fired from the broker, that fired me up to let me start going to the Comedy Works. You got to break into a scene. It's kind of tough. For young guys that are trying to break into a comedy scene, you guys know what I'm talking about. You got to go in there. You got to walk on eggshells. If you do get the opportunity to go on stage,

you better be funny, and then you got to be likable. There's so much fucking pressure, because what good is it being funny if the other comics don't like you? If they don't think you're cool and they're not going to give you a work, so it's just a fucking grind. So I knew that for me to become part of the comedy community, I had to start going down there on Tuesday nights. You know, nothing happens on the fucking couch.

Nothing. You could be a thousand things, huh? I can't wait to be a pilot. I can't wait to be a music producer. I can't wait to be an engineer. Well, you're going to wait forever on that fucking couch. So I said, fuck it. Let me start going down there on Tuesday nights. They had a writing class that they offered. This guy offered a writing class.

And then on Tuesday nights, and then you all got a bite to eat. And then you went to the Comedy Works, and you performed what you had written at the guy's house. I liked the guy. I liked the guy. I thought he was a good guy. But as a comic, I didn't fucking like him as much. I didn't think he was that funny as a comic. So why would I go learn how to write bad jokes for?

Right? Like, well, am I going to go learn how to write bad jokes to this guy? To be honest, the guy was a badass joke writer. He just wasn't a naturally funny guy. And naturally, because of me being who the fuck I'm being, and being a sack of shit, I'm hard headed. I didn't respect the guy. The guy, every time he'd see me on a Tuesday, he'd come over to me

and he'd fucking ask me to come by his house on Tuesday nights. And the truth of the matter was, I could probably make it to his, I had a job that I worked till fucking six o'clock. And it was like, you know, maybe at that time, maybe a 40 or 50 an hour bus ride by the time I got to the bus station and took the ride to Denver. I think they met at seven and it was really like for an hour or 45 minutes and they got food ordered in or whatever.

I would have never made it. I didn't have a car. You know, there was just a lot of variables for me to get there. And on top of that, I didn't think it would be beneficial to me. So I just kept going to the open mic on Tuesdays and I was making progress. I was getting funnier. But he had a guy. You know, every one of those comics always says to one guy,

it was like Cobra Kai, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, like Cobra Kai, the old school in the Karate Kid, now they haven't shown about Cobra Kai. I'm like the best students. He had what he thought was the best student. So by me not going to his writing classes, he took it in his mind, but I didn't like him. Not that I didn't like him is I didn't have the fucking time.

I wouldn't have made it. And like I told you on top of that, I just didn't think I'd get much from it. I was stupid. I didn't know that. Anyway, there was a comedy works contest and the grand prize was you went to the comedy store, you performed for Mitzi Shaw, you got 500 bucks. And then I don't fucking know, you MC'd something.

I don't fucking know. Well, you know what, man, even with their little work study group that they were doing for six or seven months, I went up there. If you know anything about me, then maybe three quarters prepared and I fucking ripped the room apart. But I wasn't clean. So they gave him the first prize and they gave me the second prize,

which I wiped my ass with. My thing was I wanted Mitzi to see me. I didn't give a fuck about getting the second fucking prize. How did I take it? My feelings weren't hurt at all. I wasn't upset. I thought I'd done a better job. I knew I was funny in the guy.

But the next day they actually called me and they said that the guy had robbed a joke from Seinfeld. So they were giving me the first place trophy or whatever. They had already given him the money and they were probably going to fly me out to L.A. to see Mitzi Shaw. I was never so fucking excited in my life. The next Tuesday I went up there and I'll never forget for a while there I was shooting a podcast.

Listen, I like being comfortable. If it's between wearing a white shirt with a tie to impress you, you go fuck yourself. I don't give a fuck about impressing people. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to feel loose. So a lot of times when it's warm out, I just wear a white V-neck t-shirt.

You know what? I know you're not supposed to wear those. You're supposed to wear those under your clothes. But some people they get offended if you wear them like you got no class. For me, I just want to be fucking comfortable. So it was a nice night out. It was like an April night in Colorado.

I wore jeans. I wore nice sneakers. And I put on one of those white t-shirts and I walked into the comedy works. I signed my name. God knows what number I was going up. I went up there. I fucking kicked some ass.

You know, when I walked off the stage, some people were there. They all said hello to me. They had all heard about the contest, the bottle. And then as I was walking out, I saw the guy that taught the fucking class. His name was Matt Woods. And he came over to me and he goes,

do you have a minute so I can talk to you? And I'm like, yeah, what's going on, Mr. Woods? He came at, look at the way you show up up here. He goes, half the time you fucking cancel. The other half the time you smell like marijuana. Look at the t-shirt you have on. You know, he goes, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I go, you're fucking mad at me

because I fucking, your guy cheated and stole a joke. He goes, no, no, I'm not mad at you because of that. I'm mad at you because it even came to that. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, man, he goes without even fucking trying. You're funny and all these fucking guys appear. He goes, and that kid could write comedy for days and he'll never be as funny as you off the cuff naturally.

But he goes, look at you. You're not taking this fucking seriously. You just think this is, you know, what is it going to change for you? Have you ever considered to take this seriously? You would be a fucking animal, but you're not going to take it seriously. You're going to be a joke about this all your life. Guys, my fucking hands were bulging into fucking fists.

I wanted to beat this guy up so fucking bad because it was like a compliment, but not really. He was telling me I was good, but at the same time he was telling me I was a piece of shit. Oh, at least that's how I was taking it. And he gave me this fucking little ear beating because if you want this, it's there for you. If you want, keep doing what you're doing.

Keep wearing your shirts and keep not being a fucking comic. You're going to throw this shit away and you're going to miss an opportunity. And man, I fucking, he walked away from me and I walked towards the bus station and I was so pissed off at him that I was going to walk back and beat the fuck out of him. And I think I even walked back and he was gone

and that's when I realized, I go, this guy just saved my fucking life. This guy between him, Mr. Blue, and me quitting the fucking basketball, this guy just fucking helped me realize why I have to push myself in this comedy genre. Because if not, I'm going to continue to feel the same way I've been continuing

from when I was 15, I quit the basketball team. I can fucking quit it. I quit the fucking GED. You know, I fucking went to prison. I did everything wrong. These two guys, Mr. Blue and Matt Woods, gave me the opportunity to realize what I fucking had. And one of them made me realize what I had.

The other guy actually lit the fuse on the firecracker. And here we are 30 years fucking later doing a podcast on two things. One, realizing who you are and what you could do and two, not being scared of what you're going to become after you go for that move. Don't look back. Who gives a fuck?

Listen, people are going to get mad. People are going to be happy. Last week I was fucking around here and I put up, hey, I went to look at a jujitsu school and the next day some guy put on fucking Facebook. I can't imagine Joey doing fucking jujitsu. That's great. That's the same people who come up to you

and you tell them you want to join a band or you're thinking of fucking taking a course or you're thinking of joining a theater group. Those are the same people that stop you from fucking, you know, from giving you that doubt. Maybe fucking Mike Klein is right. Who the fucking might have been an organ player in a fucking circus?

You know, there's always some guy that tries to stop you from your dream. Uncle Joey's different for the month of December to get you ready for 2021. I'm going to make you fucking realize who the fuck you are and I want you to start thinking about what's going to happen to you when you cross over that fucking realm to be the person

or to do what you want to do, whether it's have a band, have a podcast, be a plumber, be an archeologist, be a doctor. I have to use it just scared of fucking attacking and you can't live your life like that. If not, why live in the great U.S. of A? Go to fucking communist fucking Cuba and you could don't just look at you and go,

hmm, Mike Klein, how tall are you? 5'10"? We're going to make you an astronomer. You know what I'm saying? Because we got enough fucking telescopes for you to see out into the whatever. I don't fucking know. It's the Joey Diaz fucking Uncle Joey's joint. It's December 2nd and I just want to let you know

that's what I'm going to be doing in December. I'm going to have guests on here to get you ready for 2021. I'm not going for your fucking project, but I want you to fucking start thinking about what's going to happen to you after you do what you want to do. But Joey, I weigh 480 pounds.

It's going to take me 200 fucking years to lose the weight. But when you do lose that fucking weight, who's the person you're going to be? It's going to be a scary motherfucker because you lost that weight. We're all scared of who we might become. Don't be scared of who you might become. Be scared of who the fuck you are now

and how you're going to fucking evolve and how you're going to deal with that person you are now. The same way I look at those old church episodes from four years ago, and I see an old man that's just discombobulated on fucking edibles and drugs and whatnot. Today, four years later, believe it or not, I still eat my edibles.

I still do my little spray from time to time, and God knows I smoke dope with fucking eight hands, but I'm a complete different fucking person. We change, and that's a lesson this week on Uncle Joey's joint for November 30th and the second Wednesday. Before I leave, I want to thank you guys for all the support on Ozzy's Boneyard.

Without you guys, I would have never been able to do it. Without my training on the church, I wouldn't have been able to do it. So everything you do goes towards something. Nothing goes. The universe will take care of you. I've been telling you this for fucking 10 years, God fuckers.

Don't give up now. Listen, that's it, and that's that. Have a great week. I'm happy you motherfuckers tuned in on a Wednesday morning. I know you got other shit to listen to and to watch, and that's funny, whatever. But here, we got no COVID, and we give you great fucking advice.

And that's it, and that's that. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the Patreon. We got a great album of the week coming up. I don't know if you guys know that I do that on Patreon. I also do a fucking other podcast, the Joey Diaz Project on Patreon. It's $3.5 and $10.

I don't give a fuck if you subscribe or not. Uncle Joey's join is free. It's my gift to you on a weekly basis. Thank you very much for another fun week, and now for a word from our sponsors. All right. It's December 2nd, you bad motherfuckers. If you haven't paid the rent, you're standing there.

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