Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #021 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today we talk about winning the war against yourself..... This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, Mack Weldon & Honey...... Go to https://www.bluechew.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.mackweldon.com/joint and enter Code: JOINT Go to https://www.joinhoney.com/joey and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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we got fucking 11 what are your nine shoplifting days before christmas i know you're stressed i know you don't know what you get your cousin your sister-in-law but fuck it it's all over you belong to me for this fucking hour we alleviate all that shit who gives a fuck about christmas presents do what i do go under 24th when everything is fucking empty and you got the store to yourself you don't have much of a selection and it's less fucking confusing i actually actually tried to go christmas shopping on fucking saturday whoo it was fucking rough i tried to get my wife something you gotta get him something so i went to the store at the fucking mall and it was huge it was three floors and the more i walked in with the mask i brought glasses in once your glasses start

fogging up my fucking anxiety goes up 100 over fucking 10 i looked at a couple things and i ran the fuck out of there i was on a call of issues at a friend's house her and my daughter were making cookies with a bunch of kids i didn't want to fucking tell her listen you want christmas present you're gonna take a wrap down with me to the mall and you can pick it out and i just give you the dough for it because i don't have to fucking patience i really don't anymore guys i it's it's too fucking heavy so there's some people who like to fucking shop me i like the shop but it's gotta be if you if you ever go clothes shopping with me you'll get sick to your stomach you're like joy what the fuck are you doing because i just take shit off the thing some little guys

chasing me would you like to try it on do i look like i want to try shit on i'm 300 pounds i gotta take sneakers off pants put another thing i'm breathing heavy i'll try it at home if it don't work i'll show up in three weeks for a receipt and none of the times i bring the shit back to fucking the homeless shelter or some shit i just i don't like it i've never been a big shopper i can't stand in there the only thing i got patience for is albums i go into a record store fuck and sit there for hours me and dean delray used to do it all the time in the cities and just scroll through fucking alms i do with jim florentine we go to vintage vinyl or the other joint down in asbury and you're there an hour i want to fucking have i can't sit

in the store for an hour and a half if you're fucking paid me i just walk through and i look at different things and not attend the shit you go looking for you don't find it's the shit that you find that you're not looking for that you're like wow this is a fucking treasure that's what what i like but fucking regular people shopping has never fucking been for me i want to thank all you guys for all your messages and well wishes on my knee surgery got pushed back january 8th december 18th is you know what i was listening i just want to get over it if you know anything about me the pain has been getting worse and i don't know what the fuck happened it's either the stairs no new house or me that i i think i stopped i stopped going to cryotherapy you know i stopped going to red

light laser i stopped fucking going acupuncture i haven't found new people here people every week a if you can if you've gotten a p.o box yet cucksuck i haven't even found an acupuncturist i haven't found shit every week is a new invention last week i had to find the studio so i could put like adr work for the many saints and new work and i could lay down tracks for fucking uh aziz bonyard so it seems it feels a lot better you know i could do it it sounds better so i just found the studio it's close to the house the many saints and new work is ready to rock march 12th a lot of you people aren't excited people like oh joey it's not coming to the movie what do you want me to do what do you want me to fucking do you know everybody's mad at fucking one of brothers

what do you want my one of brothers is sitting on it's gotta be three quarters you know they're like a billion dollars away in inventory in movies if you look at wonder woman many saints the denzel movie what do you what do you think when you make an investment don't you want your money back right away okay then then what the fuck everybody's young and screaming at one of brothers they're not waiting for the movie to find me a movie theater that's fucking open what are you gonna do there's no fucking movie theaters that are open you know i was dreaming of the big hollywood premiere and the fucking going into the city and taking my wife and having a great dinner and then going on a thing it don't look like it it's march fucking 11th march 4th to march 5th usually do

a premiere a week before the fucking movie how are we going to be walking around what do you want to watch a movie with people with fucking mascot that doesn't sound like fun to me so that's the only way they could release it on the streaming service you accept it you know well we're not gonna get paid on the back end you're not gonna do this listen you got everybody has to consider something covid means you're gonna lose money you're gonna sacrifice somebody called me up and they go aren't you mad that you're not gonna get residuals what what you have to sacrifice a little bit here you gotta be a team player a little bit i'm gonna don't release the movie because i'm not gonna make any back end down it i'd rather you see the fucking movie and we'll worry about the

back end later it'll come to me some anyway if i have it coming i have it coming right or wrong so maybe they'll put it on HBO max and they'll re-release it i don't fucking know and i don't care but i'm just telling you that it's not such a fucking big deal i'm in the fucking movie and i'm not mad well i wanted to be on the big screen who gives a fuck i'm just grateful i was in the fucking movie that they gave me a fucking chance to do the best that i can the movie comes on HBO max you even get it oh you fucking don't i didn't fucking get it when they did that HBO special with Colin Quinn and Bonnie and i didn't even know what it was the HBO max was you can't get it on your tv unless you got a smart fucking tv which i don't have a fucking smart tv i don't have an

apple fucking tv so you got to put it on your fucking streaming device so anytime i want to watch the sopranos or anything on HBO they got 10 to midnight on there with Charles Bronson mmm they got a bunch of old school fucking movies i gotta watch it on my iPad i don't fucking mind i sit in the fucking chair and i watch it i don't fucking play it but if i put my glasses on it's the best they got it's the best they got but the many saints if you're excited about it march 12th HBO max they got a 20 discount sticker you gotta find it online so if you sign up for six months you get fucking 20% off you know in advance that's the best i can do for you i'm just trying to save you a little money i know you're upset that you're not gonna go to the movies but

hey i'm upset that we're not doing a lot of fucking things somebody said something to me yeah they are i i didn't enjoy it because they didn't have this a stupid it's fucking covid season if you were in california you wouldn't even have the opportunity of being a fucking restaurant so take what governor murphy's giving shut your fucking mouth and deal with it that's it that's all you could do half the country three quarters of the country's on lockdown they're jumping up and down in arizona they're jumping up and down in fucking texas and they're jumping up and down in florida everybody else is sitting here on our fucking hands we are here at least new jersey we got 25 capacity the governor said that fucking he's not gonna shut restaurants down

because he doesn't want to take away their livelihood which you know if it's not getting transmitted in the restaurant and all this shit we know already you know wear a mask wash your hands wash your dick before you fucking wash your hand before you touch your dick very important you don't want to pass covid on to one of your cocksucking victims because you didn't want to wash your hands and you grabbed your dick and pissed that's not that's not right and ladies don't scratch your fucking snatch either with your long fingernails and you get in there you got a little covid on your fingernail and then a poor soul like mike not me i'm too old to be fucking victims pussies eat your pussy and next you know they got a fucking sore throat and they're fucking here in

chinese music because you don't want to wash your hands wash your hands and scrub your fucking nails cocksuckers that's the season to be jolly anyway let me talk to you cocksuckers about something i'm happy the surgery wasn't done on the 18th something really weird happened i told somebody i was having a surgery on the 18th and they're like hey man that's my anniversary that's the day that this and this and this happened in my life i told somebody else i was having surgery on the December 18th and they're like hey man that's my anniversary of this that's the day i ran over this guy with a car like everybody's got a story about fucking December 18th and i'm like what you know what's crazy too that it's the night

i won the boulder broker in 91 you know and when it comes to comedy i hold you know my touring with rogan sacred i hold my nights at the store close to my heart i hold the longest yard close to my heart and i hold the many saints close to my heart you know these are things that i did that i'm really proud of on paper spider-man too you know how i dug it out all those years fucking sleeping in cars and being on bus stations and sacrificing all that shit's great and i got to do it you know and the fucking arry things on comedy central i'm really grateful for those who gave people another different aspect to look at what i had to offer which is i'm more of a storyteller than a joke teller you know i'm saying i don't know how to write jokes really well

like bill burr knows how to put together a fucking bit that's brilliant i don't know how to do that and i'm not fucking crying about it you just some people are stronger in some areas than others you know but i was thinking about December 18th and this it's it really has to do with the switch remember a couple weeks ago we were talking about that switch that goes off naturally when you win the war against yourself listen bro all is fair and love and war right they always tell you that since you're a kid if you get cheated on or if you you know if you're playing fucking you ever play combat when you're a kid and you're only allowed to throw like twigs but you end up throwing like a fucking rock in here the kid in the head and the kids like you are allowed to throw rocks

all's fair love and war comes second next time that's why the nazis war helmets because one guy hit with the head next time get a fucking helmet and you won't get hit on the head with the fucking rock i mean all's fair and love and war you know i'm not talking about cheating i'm not talking about sometimes in life this is a fucking war guys you busting out through the other side is really an internal fucking war just think about what i'm saying to you right now you're looking at me going huh you know all this processing deciding what we're gonna do and then deciding that we're going to go for it and then the switch going off is you winning the war against yourself the biggest enemy you have is yourself you know when you look in the mirror

and when you're fucking putting on your tie going for that interview and that right there is the deciding fucking thing you're telling yourself i'm not gonna get it you know i've been on 19 interviews i'm overqualified you're losing the war right there you're losing the war right there like you're just losing it right there you know the war is real but the war starts with you you think you're at war with the world everybody who has you know well nobody's giving me a chance nobody's doing this nobody's giving me a break it's the fucking world and listen i'm not lying to you 50% of you're right 50% of it is the world but the other 50% of it is the war you inflict upon yourself how do i know about this war because i was part of it i had a war going on with myself

for years i struggled with the addictions and this is the last time i'm gonna do coke and lying to yourself and you know not being honest to yourself but that has nothing to do with the internal war the internal war is you deciding what you want to do putting your head down and doing it you know what if i take this job it pays a lot of money but i'm away from my wife and kids for the whole weekend won't see him till saturday and sunday talk to your wife does she rather keep fucking eating fucking tv dinners or does she want to live a normal life you know and and this is what you need to do you need to go down there you need to sleep on your uncle's couch six nights a week it's gonna be rough but until you get out of this fucking hole if you plan it right and there's no

flat ties and the transmission don't go you know what i'm saying like you know like when you save him money for something then the transmission goes and you're back to square one but man if you're sincere in your heart and you're really fucking working hard nothing should be going wrong and your plan should hatch it's not always gonna fucking work out the way you want it something's gonna break along the way you know all i make fucking 2000 miles a week now so in six weeks i get out of my debt and then your fucking garage door falls on your cat and now you gotta fucking you know pay for a garage door there's always something that's a part of life that's a part of life that has nothing to do with you this is what people will fucking take this shit personally

and they go the world's got it out for me the world don't even know you fucking exist you fucking maggot did you think did you think did you think the world know who i was when i was 28 in out of jail and wanted to do comedy the world didn't give a fuck who joey was they don't really and they don't give a fuck who you were i know you my dad is you know the the president of fucking spokesman association your dad is a dick your dad can go fuck himself he's a fucking pimple on a fucking on a dog's ass right now the world don't care about you so the world don't even know you fucking exist you're blaming all this shit on this that the media the politicians they don't even know you fucking exist what do you think they looked at your name when you voted they don't

give a fuck did you vote you give a vote and get a christmas card from the fucking mayor no they don't give a fuck that you voted they don't know names they don't know nothing but nobody cares about you they really fucking don't and when you get that through your head that nobody gives a fuck about me and there's no conspiracy against me oh you motherfuckers that things go wrong okay that's a conspiracy yeah there's no conspiracy god doesn't have it out for you you got it out for you you got it out for you you keep giving yourself excuses and saying all this shit to yourself but anyway let's get back to the fucking uh the moral of the fucking story so i had something big that happened december 18th and i didn't realize it until like

they called when they called and they said we're pushing your surgery back to the eighth they push it back to the eighth because my ekg my heart is good listen my heart is great i walked the pills the fucking 20 years in north bergen second hilliest city in the country i didn't blow for 20 years yeah i put a little dent in the fucking armor and the sleep apnea don't help it but the walking and the fucking heart that i have and the heart that you know just to just to push that out of my heart it's just i having a regular heartbeat and a lot of you guys have been hitting me up but my dad had it but what you're gonna be fine they got a retool in your heart it's gonna be fine i'll be slinging dick by january they gotta go for a test in the 23rd

i gotta go for a test in the fucking 30th who wants to do anything on the fucking 30th the year is over leave me alone and then i gotta go uh for clearance on the 23rd it's on the 22nd to the doctor and that's it the eighth i go in there i get this fucking knee done i gotta show on the six that uncle venny's just to let you know i'm not fucking around if you came to uncle venny's last week thank you very much we had a great fucking time great show i mean you know i'm i'm sick in my heart that the club is closed on the 23rd and fucking i'm gonna be free for seven or eight nights i mean i've been talking to rich boss and jimmy and what we gotta figure something but that's not the situation at hand the situation at hand was i was thinking about december 18th

of 1991 and you know what i underestimated it's up there with all like fucking really good accomplishments and it's not the accomplishment that i won the contest that wasn't all that i gotta turn the story back on you to let you know what happened so i get into comedy july of 91 as soon as i get off the stage i i i was just you know i had found what i had been looking for was like youtube well i still haven't found all i found it i found it and on the way home in the car my head couldn't comprehend it but i was a working stiff and there was nothing i could do to change that this is what i had at responsibilities stand up was not gonna fucking happen you know the night that i did the comedy works july 18th somebody offered me a gig the next night

they were like ah you were great his name was pj more god rest his soul great comic great kid him and this guy bill uh can't remember his name they booked a room called the greeley under it was in greeley colorado and it was called the underground and for you people don't know greeley is also the where the broncos do preseason training so i got into comedy july 18th and they were still doing like preseason but no quarterbacks or it was just like running and workouts i guess i really don't know what it's called so he asked me he goes do you want to go to the broncos training facility tomorrow night and do that gig and i was like fuck yeah i was petrified don't get me wrong but you know when you're coming off the stage you're on such a high that somebody says do you

want to suck a dick you're like yeah i don't care you know i just had the best fucking time in my life so he offers me the gig i take it and the next day i go to greeley i bomb you know no big fucking deal it's all now you know you had a you had your big high and now you got your big low and now i'm stable again and i'm trying to figure out how to do comedy and blah blah blah i'm just not right in the head i'm not in love anymore there was a part of me i don't want to fucking family anymore i just wanted to do stand-up but i had felt that i found my calling you know and i came to new york before my wife came to me little did i know that now something happened and that's why she was sending me away to make her a little fucking week of love easier

and i went to new york i stayed for like eight days i got high every fucking night i was just i just came here to do cocaine i hadn't been home in six years so i basically came home to do coke with my friends that i hadn't seen in six years i came home i went back to new york i stayed for fucking a week i got high and i went back to colorado and after that we had like a month on their marriage was on basic life support i just knew i wanted to do comedy and in the middle of all this i don't know how i don't know how this fucking happened i was reading a paper a boulder newspaper or something and i saw the boulder broker was doing a comedy contest it was the becks broker joker comedy competition now a secret that a lot of guys that a lot of you

guys don't know is right after i got on stage the first time somebody oh uh johnny walker black and red was doing an open call for comedians to do a contest i actually called in sick put on my jacket and shirt and went down to the denber comedy work this is way before i ever got on stage and i went to this mbc to this mbc this fucking johnny walker black uh red whatever the fuck you call it competition and i get there and i signed my name and i'm you know in my mind they got the best three minutes and the next thing you know i walk in there and i see all the i did not know any of these comics i didn't recognize any of them but they all had like shirts on that intimidated me like right now i got like a fucking the ice house in pasadena a shout out i miss you

motherfuckers the ice house in pasadena well all these guys had a lot like you know labs t-shirts comedy works t-shirts the guy that cracked me was a guy that had a jacket that had an mbc peacock on it and i was like fuck this i'm losing i'm getting the fuck out of here so that was the beginning of my comedy thing big time pussy you know ran away from contest and then there was another contest to do something and i ran away from that one too i'm not gonna lie to you so i get this paper thing i'm still married i'm super fucking unhappy and i see this add in the paper that the broker the broker was a restaurant and there were chains there was four of them there was like the woman's bank in denver there was one out lakewood there was another one in

downtown i think there was two of them in downtown denver cool places really different old school you know people had vests on like the bank the woman's bank in denver and uh downtown denver was basically a bank and you ate where they give you the safety deposit boxes you have a safety deposit box they bring it to you and they close the door they converted those into little boots so you and your girlfriend can just eat in the boot they had a curtain they bring your bowl of shrimp you can finger bang them before the appetizers come you don't know how many times i ate a girl's pussy before the appetizers came in those fucking broken jokers those uh those broker restaurants but the one in bold i had never really been to i had been there one time they had the best

fucking sunday brunch ever the number one sunday brunch back then i don't know what's going on now don't quote me i'm just giving you some fucking knowledge right here because you know i'm a fat fucking i love my fucking food let me tell you something the best sunday brunch that i ever went to my life was that fucking where they shot the shiny and that's just park hotel whatever the i don't know what the name of the hotel is please because your people start sending me emails joey you fucked up fact check you know okay wherever they shot the shiny that hotel has the best brunch on a fucking sunday you've ever eaten that in your life but it's estus park it's towards estus park like a couple minutes away from estus park since a few hours by the way estus park

is one of the most number one travel destination in the country estus park it's gorgeous you go up there they have little squirrels that fucking you could feed them they don't give you fucking tetanus shot whatever the fuck syphilis i don't know what the fucking squirrel gives you but they don't give you another that shit the stanley hotel is a stanley hotel i think i think do not quote me on any of this i'm talking to you motherfuckers about 1991 so the broker at the time had two things going they had wednesday nights which is professional night in other words uh fat chick suck black dick night that's what it was a bunch of fat little blonde chicks with fake blonde hair and black dudes were coming and fucking from the

college and coming them out they gave you free shrimp and they had some food out and they had a happy out i don't know what it was called it was called like wednesday afternoon social and then friday up at the other hotel um um a wrap a whole boulevard that was the original friday afternoon club f a c that made it the playboy as like the top five pick up spots in the fucking country i never went there i could you know i could i could tell i went there at quailudes i was i was into a different head i i'm not into fucking bars on a friday afternoon but i would drive by that and guys there would be cars in the hundreds and the hundreds there was a supermarket and something else there would be cars parked down

the road like like a like a like the parkway in jersey like was on the side of this hotel there would be cars parked at two miles fine how many people would go to this f a c but none of this shit matters it doesn't matter i'm just telling you what the scene was a boulder at the time the boulder broker wasn't as young as the f a c i think it was a hill in the sun the boulder broker was a more experienced crowd you know realtors haha that type of you know jerk offs but at the end of the week they would just get rooms and go upstairs and fuck it was no big thing sunday they had the brunch tuesday sunday night the broker had a steak and two movies don't ask me how they did it i'm not here throwing nobody under the bus it was 30 fucking years ago so on tuesday

nights ready for this on tuesday nights on sunday nights you could put pajamas on hoodies fucking slippers you could go to the broker give them 15 bucks and the first movie started at six like it was like a double feature in the restaurant okay they had little chairs that you could put and put your feet on top of them so you could sit back i'm not kidding and after the dessert was hot cocoa with marshmallows and if you don't watch the fucking movie they weren't fucking around they always have cute little double features whatever was i down there no i i never had gone into the broker i think i'd gone there one time for brunch with my in-laws before i even married them they invited me on a sunday fucking tremendous i had about 19 glasses of freshly squeezed orange

everything was for free on the brunch except the orange juice each glass is like seven bucks i must have rang up like 140 in our freshly squeezed orange juice my in-laws will live it but anyway i open up this fucking article and i see that the broker is doing a fucking contest for comedy right away you guys know my fucking shrinking the tightened up i closed the fucking newspaper and i said i'm not going down there because i'm a fucking pussy i'm not gonna go down there and fucking lose but you know the switch still hadn't got off yet i was just like in a fucking 29 year old limbo you know i was 28 was i 28 yeah i was 28 i just started into comedy me and my wife weren't doing well you know i was working a lot of hours i was sneaking a little

bit of cocaine you know i was trying to help people i was sober but i really wasn't i really wanted to be a comic but just my past and who the fuck i was and my dna i just didn't think i could do it but i looked at this ad bro the broker joker and i called a friend of mine a very dear friend of mine still friend of mine many to me that i'm gonna give him a call today he knew the people at the broker he was dear friends of one of the managers and i said call him up and ask him if i go down there tonight and do the call i asked him if i could go down there and watch the contest you know me i'm a big time pussy can i watch the contest and within 10 minutes he called back and he goes no no no no he needs contestants for tonight do you mind doing a set it's fucking

three in the afternoon guys i wasn't experienced i didn't know what i was gonna say or what i was gonna write so i said okay i don't know where it came from it wasn't the joey d is that was who he was then i go okay i'll do it and i call i answer i hung up the phone and i'm just who i'm happy if i'll fucking make it down there and i wrote a few jokes together i don't know how many minutes it was guys maybe five maybe seven i don't know what it was and i think it was like september 18 september 15th and i went down there not expecting anything you know what i went down there to expect i went down there to expect to lose be humiliated and do what i was usually used to doing quitting everything i did i fucking quit but something else happened i had them going

down there there was maybe four other comics out you know there was maybe 20 people in the audience because that's all that went Tuesday nights was comedy night they had just started and they were trying to boost it i got the story later on they had been dabbling in comedy for about six months but they could never really get it going so they got bex the beer company to do what bex was doing them anywhere at that time was doing a large comedy competition they had scaled it down they had scaled it down from a national comedy competition to a regional comedy competition so for me it was like new Mexico Wyoming Montana i don't know exactly what the breakdown was i know phoenix arizona was involved

so he goes can you just come up and do the contest and i said absolutely guys i don't know what i wrote i don't know what i said i would love to be able to tell you i'd hate to set you know i don't know who was up there all i know is that i went up there and at the end of the night they said the winner is joey Diaz and i fucking shit my pants not literally i was like how the fuck did i win this you know was i really and i didn't know anybody i didn't i just went up there i sat there by myself with my little fucking pussy ass self and i just went up there and i did the jokes i wrote and i won and i go what do i win the guy goes nothing you just get to come back in october and i'm like really come on and that's like i was like fuck so i'm like i'm gonna

tighten my shit up and it wasn't like it is today well not today today december 2020 it's not like it is today you know before the pandemic with comedy that there was a thousand places i could go and bolder it was basically no place to really you know i had heard about how comics work out that's what i had learned when i had worked the door it would send how comics work out and you know you take a joke and process it i was ready to do all this i didn't really know what i was doing but there was really nowhere to go and bolder to rehearse so i think one saturday i went to that room like i i told you about it was like all the way on the other side and fucking dendron littleton and the show started 11 the guy wouldn't put me up at one that's not

really good for your fucking self image and your self confidence i went down and i got beat up you know same shit emotional beat up long drive back and one of the guys in the halfway house had a girlfriend that had a coffee shop called penny lane and he gave me an idea he goes just go to the poetry readings and do what you can do material i mean listen guys that if that's what it was what he had i had two options i could even put a fucking mirror and stand in front of the mirror like a zoom show or fucking go to this poetry and i went to the poetry thing and it was pretty interesting so that i looked online you know online i looked in the fucking paper and i noticed that they had open mics for poetry every fucking night i would try to get in there you know i was i'd already

been fired from mckelvies uh not from mckelvies it was a county called witsend i'd already been fired from them i was not really happy in my marriage and every night i would look for ways to go to different places guys i got to the point where i would walk into fucking uh joints and they would say listen you came last week year we can't have your style of comedy in here you're not a very good comedian please don't come back i mean that was told right to my face i never raised my hand i never got mad at them i knew what can i do i'm not gonna argue with these people but then something happened i told the 15th i fucking walked in the door and my ex-wife told me that she found the bill and she wanted to get separated and i accepted it and i was heartbroken about the

kid but to be honest with you i was fucking excited and now i can do comedy so somewhere along the line i went in october and performed again with everything that was on my mind and boom guess what joey Diaz got his hand raised again i didn't fucking know i don't even know what i said again i just went down but this time some people had gone down to see me i was working on a sports betting service so like 13 guys went to see me and when they all clapped i got the fucking i won the night not bad i can live with that right okay a bunch of shit goes on you know after october 15th uh i'm picking my daughter up every day at the fucking daycare and holding it you know so my ex-wife would get out of work that was how i spent my time

with her and then i would feed her and then catty my ex-wife would pick her up and then i would just you know try to go to an open mic or i'm trying to go to music open mics and they would tell me you could do five minutes you know it was just a fucking struggle in bolder there was there wasn't much there was a few rock clubs around the area and i would contact them and they would say we never heard of you you know if you were this comic or this comic or this comic which they weren't famous either it was just they had local notoriety in the area he goes if one of them called for you whatever so i was just struggling with my fucking comedy and the whole thing so november i had no fucking idea how i won that contest i really don't remember what i said

or i had now all these comics i was going up against i had never seen one of them i had never ever seen any other other any of these guys the comics i was seeing when i was going to denver they were good they were good these young comics that were when i say young i'm not probably my 20th i'm talking about young uh early in that comedy career so early on in the comedy career i knew these guys i was like if these motherfuckers show up the bolder i'm not what in shit i'm just dying but november's contest was different because instead of 17 people coming to see me like 30 people came to see me and that's the night i realized what happened was i was running behind i was running behind on time uh once my wife left i lost my

job as a roofer uh i didn't want to sell cars anymore i just wanted to really focus on stand-up i had a little money put away i had 29 credit cards i wasn't concerned with money i was just consumed with fucking stand-up comedy that's all i gave a fuck about uh i was trying to do it every night blah blah blah blah blah you know it wasn't working whatever i pulled off this this november win because i was running late at that time i got into selling a little bit of drugs and one of the drugs i started selling was valium and it's the drug coke coca heads love valium because at four in the morning when they got to go to sleep they got to eat these fucking v's i was getting these v's on long month they had the v in them the original old school valium forget about i was getting them

for like 60 cents a piece and selling them for like three dollars a piece i was getting rid of a hundred of those things every two fucking days in bolder but part of my action was having people meet me at the clubs i'm going there to do you know i had already done time i had to be a little careful i had to be a reason for me to be there so i would like hide the fucking pills in the trunk and pull up and go in first and then come out and take the pills out and go back in i was like really cautious and i knew if they caught me with 10 pills i wasn't gonna do kidnapping time you know so i just kept it under i sold a little weed i saw i was dealing with this guy up in the fucking mountains that grew the best weed in the world i think i forget where he lived before estus park

and i would go up there once a week he would make me two eggs with wheat to multi-grain toast and red beans i had never had a breakfast like that i would give him money and he would give me a soda container a cracker container like i have upstairs with a pound of weed that was fucking tremendous i was selling weed you know i didn't have a job i was selling valium i was starting i wasn't dating women or anything my wife and i had made a deal when she left october 15th not to date anybody until we decided what our fate was and we were gonna get a divorce or we were gonna stay together boulder was a small community and we didn't want nobody fucking you know we didn't want to hurt each other so i was cool with that i didn't need i didn't need

to screw nobody i was just happy that i had comedy i wasn't gonna be you know married anymore i was gonna be married i didn't know what was going on i was just happy that something else beside drugs and crimes and stupid fucking jobs have been thrown on my lap i was just fucking excited that i'd finally tried fucking comedy and here i wasn't a contest and here we fucking are so we get to fucking december the finals of december 18th i'm fired up i got the judy counter workbook i got the gene parade comedy workbook i got the other gene parade workbook i'm writing garbage i don't even know what the fuck i'm writing i love to sit here and tell you i was writing these jokes that were deep i was writing garbage i was just a funny fucking guy and i kept

trying to bang it out but december was the moment of truth december was created to fucking kill me that year december came at me like a fucking vicious you know everything first of all she calls me up and she's like listen i think that we're gonna stay separated for a while and i'm gonna get my own apartment do you mind if i fucking come down there and get some stuff with my father and my brother just so i could have stuff in my apartment and i'm like yeah how bad could it be what does she want a couch we had two tv's we had like the crib the bedroom we had a living room set we had this whole this whole outdoor patio set that was like a green room that half of it was out but half of it was in if you want to grow fucking flowers it was tremendous my little condo

i found this condo myself there's a more to the story to this but we'll go into that later how i got this condo i said sure i go as a matter of fact i'm such a gentleman i'll leave you alone i won't even be there just go over there take what you need and i'm fine with it this is not my the finals is december 18th this has to be like december 14th i walk into my fucking house and guys all that was left was a tv stand tv vcr i looked in the kitchen everything was gone the fucking the dinner table the piece where you have your dishes in there and there was a picture of our wedding you know i don't know what people call those we had some other shit in there that was gone i go into the kitchen fucking the little coffee table was gone i went out into the fucking

sun room everything was gone except my fucking desk plants pictures on the wall i turn around all the pictures were gone i fucking run upstairs to the bathroom my toothbrush was laying there with a little travel tube with toothpaste and a little bit of listerine everything else she had taken the towels the soap the cup for the fucking soap i went into the fucking bedroom and all that was left in the bedroom was a mattress on top of a box springs the dirty bitch even took the fucking thing with the rollers in the bottom of the bed so you could roll it there was no armoire there was no cabinets all my clothes was on the fucking floor and the indoor closet was empty my clothes were in her clothes was gone listen i looked around i'm like okay i guess this is what separation is

i went downstairs to get a fucking soda guys she had taken the sodas whatever food was in there that was like still fresh she took all that she left was like let's say there was a jar of oranges that was half empty she left that i went to look she stole the fucking mustard who takes the fucking mustard i didn't know what to do i didn't know what to do for what dirty came i fucking walked up to the daycare i picked up my daughter jackie i walked her back home and we basically sat in the living room on fucking milk grates i think we ended up going i took it to like cocos there was a restaurant across the street

and she got like a hamburger and stuff and when six dirty came home my wife came because my wife would get over there like at six fifteen every night to pick up the baby she shows up like a six twenty i'm like where is everything and she goes listen man i i gotta start a new apartment you're making money you could start from scratch i took what i thought was mine you know i threw a little bit of a fit but it wasn't a fucking you know but she took everything this is three days before my fucking contest and then i get a fucking i you know i get like a letter in the mail that she's filing for all these like half the shit we had discussed was completely different you know and then it's the night of the fucking contest i don't have to tell

you where my head was at i woke up at six in the morning i don't think i slept the night before i was fucking petrified fucking petrified i was like i'm not going down to that finals tonight i'm not going to go down there fuck that i'm done with comedy i'm not a comedian i'm a fucking criminal my wife just left me she took all the fucking shit she picked the mustard i don't have the fucking i don't want to taste i've just been lying to myself this has just been bullshit this has just been a bullshit story i'm never gonna mount to nothing i'm never gonna be a comic or go on a tour i'm never gonna do none of these fucking things you know i was just down on myself man i was like what the fuck this is never gonna happen i worked all these years like i'd done a

prison i'd been a fucking a mess and for the last two years i'd been just working on myself little by little yeah i started a little bit of a fucking drug problem but i had been working on myself as a human being like towards something like i i i became a roofing estimator and i was good at it i i was you know i got a job at a comedy club i was paying attention i it wasn't like i was running around like a fucking indian finally i was starting to get a little fucking control of my life i would go watch comedy i knew it was a you know i didn't want to start something without knowing and then just quitting i wanted to do something just right at fucking 28 years i've been doing every fucking thing wrong and i just wanted to do something fucking right

so i said you know what i'm gonna stop with this pussy shit i'm gonna stop with this resistance as they talk about with the art of war or the war of art in that book by steve impressman this is i now i didn't even know about that shit then guys i just knew my life had to change the switch had not turned i was just at war with myself and i had to win this fucking war so i said you know what i'm gonna go down to this fucking contest tonight i went at 430 i picked up my fucking daughter you know we ordered chinese food i forgot i had no fucking silverware no fucking forks to eat i had nothing i'm fucking sitting there i'm so embarrassed in front of this child i had to like knock on a neighbor's door and get like two forks first i promised i'd bring them back i told

her that our dishwasher broke i don't know what fucking excuse i made i'm supposed to she's supposed to drop the contest starts at eight she's supposed to drop off the she's supposed to pick up my daughter at 615 i'm gonna take a shower i'm gonna go to a restaurant or whatever meet a friend of mine who's going to look at my jokes with me you know at this time i called him my manager i still love him i still talk to him i had my little by that time i had my own little entourage by the way i didn't tell you about that i had my man danny i had his wife myda i had a guy from my building i had uh my boy from buffalo mackenna you know i had my own little fucking entourage so on tuesday night they would go down there and cheer me on that whole fucking day i was making

people calling me for drugs like where can we get coke where can we get weed where can we get fucking malukia pills i said listen everything happens at the broker tonight at eight o'clock coke heroin bitches inflatable blowjobs whatever you need it's gonna be at the broker tonight at eight o'clock i just needed people down there for me to win this fucking contest like i said all this fair and love and war i could look you straight in the face today and tell you i didn't cheat i actually worked i sat down i wrote fucking jokes i tried to even add a tag i had put my first tag i'd probably been on stage at this point maybe 35 times that's that's stretching the imagination maybe 35 times i had been on the fucking stage i told everybody meet me down

at eight i'll take care of all of you i got an eight ball there was a guy negative that lived around the corner from me i called him up he had an eight ball ready for me i had 200 valians you know i don't even know what else i was selling at the time i was like a one-man demolition but all i had on my mind was this contest now between you and i guys i would have won the war against myself just by showing up and i knew this i knew this for me to win this war for me to beat joey d as the loser and become joey d as the winner i have to just show up this is why i tell you guys you just gotta show up that's after battle just show up let the pieces fall where they may just show up show up show up bitch

630 my wife ain't there 645 my wife isn't there it's the biggest night of my fucking life i'm gonna finally go to war for myself i'm finally doing something to move ahead i'm finally towards i'm finally moving towards turning on that switch which i never knew existed at the time by the way none of these guys knew we had a switch that existed existed fucking seven o'clock she knocks on my fucking door my x y i'm like where the fuck have you been you know this dirty bitch tells me miss catholic miss don't date nobody she goes i went on a date for a drink i go time out you just been telling me for the last month and a half not to go on a date that i can't fucking

that i can't fucking uh i want a date that you don't want to be embarrassed that your dad's a big realtor in town she goes i change my mind you change your mind just like that my feelings were a little hurt i'm like fucking really okay you know i didn't ask her nothing i probably had a tear in my eye or two you know i was expecting something it wasn't that i was in love it wasn't that i missed her or anything like that it was just i thought we had a fucking agreement you know she takes the bike kiss my you know it was snowy out i take the baby chair my daughter was probably two maybe a year and a half two years at the time i take the i carry it downstairs and the snow i put her in the fucking car you know i'm a little taken back you know i fucking mock up

the carriage i smoke a half a joint i get my car and i go down to the fucking broker now i'm fucking livid i get to the broker all my friends are there hey how you doing you got my pills you got my coke i'm selling everything they go all the comedians come to the table we come over to this table there's like seven of us in the final i still remember two of the guys that were there now this was an amateur competition what that meant was that you could have not done either an mc a feature or a headlining spot anywhere for money you could be an open miker all right so i get there and i you know me i'm not a crime stopper i'm not a pussy i get there and i go holy

shit there's two comics here that should not be here i know for a fact they have gotten paid before they're on flyers whatever did i say anything i don't say a fucking word now i'm still fucking coming down off the fucking anger and pain you know and just disappointment that my wife had laid on me you know i had no fucking mustard i got no silverware you know saying i mean i got a ton of fucking things in my mind and right now at this moment when i see these two guys there and i see them lined up right away i want to pull a joey Diaz and turn around and leave and i never forget that i actually took like a step back and was ready to fucking but i saw all the friends like that i can't you know what they weren't my friends they were

fucking customers but like 50 of them were really my friends i think i put like 100 people there that night you know and i see all this shit that's going on like all these you know comics and they're getting into arguments amongst themselves so now i go you know what i'm gonna go to the bar and have a soda and call this a fucking night you know whatever go on stage who the fuck am i i'm never gonna be a fucking comic and you're not gonna believe what happens next one of the judges comes up to me he goes i think you're disqualified and i go what are you talking about and he goes because one of the guys said that you did a show for the Broncos and he did it with you and they gave you five dollars for gas i go five dollars for gas exactly from Greeley to Boulder

it wasn't even gas money that paid for fucking the first two miles what are you talking about because they i didn't know this when i had gone over to the bar they had gone into an argument amongst themselves about who isn't an amateur and who wasn't and i'm like i i didn't even listen i didn't even know that argument was going on so all of a sudden they had disqualified two of them and the one guy said if i get disqualified Diaz gets disqualified because he took five dollars fuck you bitch you've been taking money like you've been getting fifties and twenty five i wasn't even up to that level so now the contest had been cut down to five from seven right there there's already fucking controversy and the one guy came close to me he wanted to fucking like he

didn't want to fight me but he wanted to argue with me and i'm like i got no time to fucking argue right in the mood i'm in i just want to eat chinese food i didn't have a fucking forked the mood i'm in i will rip your fucking eyeball out get the fuck away from me i don't think that guy ever spoke to me again i saw up and open mics after that he could tell i was on fire that night after after the fucking day i had you're gonna tell me now that i can't do this fucking contest because i took five dollars fucking six months ago for fucking gas money i could tell if he gave me a hundred or 150 i would have done the right thing and said i'm not an amateur it's the truth i did get paid a 150 i would have bowed out but fuck you i'm fighting for what i fucking believe

it it was five dollars for gas and gas is really like twelve dollars so what the fuck are you talking about finally they smoothened it out everybody went to that neutral corner i don't know and you know man i must have said a prayer to myself and i and i said it i go you know what and that's when i put the continuate continuance into that sentence i won the war by coming down here with myself no matter what happens even if i come to last i won fuck you i'm coming down here and win this whole fucking thing i felt like what's that barringer tom barringer in fucking major league when they say that you know they're gonna get traded you're gonna be horrible and he goes then we just got one fucking option

and that's to win this whole fucking thing and i'll never forget where i was and that broke to the door was like over there the bar was over there the stage was right over here the audience was here and i was deep deep deep over here in a corner looking out the window at the traffic and i'll never forget looking at that audience looking at the other four comedians and going you know what nah i didn't come down here to fuck around with these motherfuckers i came down here to win this whole fucking thing and guess what happened they put me up like i mean they put me up like first they did everything they could to fuck with me but on that particular night lem right told you guys i did the fucking album thing but on the cover of dr drae his first album

look at that picture on that day on that day i don't know about today today he just got to what a billion dollars from fucking beats i don't know if he wants to be president of united states but i know on that day when he took that picture he could have been the president of united states on that night i could have done whatever i wanted to do because it all started in my mind i go this is exactly what i'm doing yeah i won my personal battle we all have personal battles and that's what half years are going through right now it's not the world that's against you it's that you're against you and by you stacking the odds against you on your own that makes your situation even worse at that moment the odds were all on me you know my odds were i was an all-time

favorite i was going in there giving fucking 90 000 fucking points do you understand me so i fucking went up there first against whatever they were all giggling at me like how are you gonna go up first you're gonna eat the biggest dick guess what those 130 fucking people went fucking nuts when i went up there the response was tremendous guess what else nobody had a better set than i did that night nobody nobody i had a five-minute set that was flawless again if i could remember a joke i would lay it on you but this it was just stupid fucking jokes i don't know what it did the pieces fell together this other comic i brought a bunch of other people they were cheering him on but pound for pound i was better than that like you know fundamentally

at that time i was better than him at the end of the night they raised my hand and they said joey dears you won 500 fucking dollars and that's tonight that's the fucking night i won the war that was the first war i ever won against myself i had been homeless i had been in prison i had gone through so many fucking things but it wasn't about the 500 dollars it wasn't about the launch pad because it didn't really launch me nowhere it's not like they put me on mtv or mbc after that that night december 18th i will fucking cherish this friday night i will eat 20 fucking edibles out of respect for you motherfuckers because like i told you the universe will always take care of you if you put the work in and you believe and you actually look in the mirror and go

fuck these motherfuckers and you could say it like there's people who say it all the time you gotta believe it when you believe it when you say it and you go fuck these like i swear to god i'm not making this up i'll never forget looking out that window i don't know if it was snowing or not i have traffic and looking at that thing going no i didn't come down here just to fucking place i'm coming down here to wipe my fucking ass with these motherfuckers and that's exactly what i did so before you know i i know that some people are down i know that some people are frustrated i know that you're broke i know that you have a loss that's all great and dandy a lot of other people are going through what i was going through that

what's my next fucking move this is what i want to do and then you start throwing things at yourself to confuse yourself and you're out of it you you you didn't even get to the fucking you didn't even get to the battlefield you stop yourself before you got to the battlefield don't stop yourself before you go to a battlefield this is a war every day this is why i get up on a monday and i tell you motherfuckers you got to go out like a fucking animal because this is a war and it's not a war against them it's not a war against your boss it's not a war against the record label it's not a war against the plumbing union or the teachers union it's the war that you have to win against yourself you have to beat that side that tells you you can't do the side that tells you there's a side

of me too that's a little fucking fag even today at 15 i have this little faggy side that's why the ekg that's why because i got that little faggy side of me that's still doubt and a little fear but i usually go back to december 18th because that was the night the switch didn't go off it was the first day i won the battle against myself you got to win the war against yourself before that switch goes off what you think about that motherfuckers and that's december 14th 2020 on a beautiful fucking monday if that story doesn't help you fucking grab the world by the balls listen just go upstairs and spray rain down your throat and end it with some bug cleaner you know i'm saying they'll never find any autopsy i had a great weekend this weekend i hope you

enjoyed the u of c fights fucking marina against gasdalena whatever his name was was a fight for the fucking books uh i always knew that jack array was going to lose and the other old time of junia was going to lose the main fight on the card that i wanted to watch the card with was for olivera against uh my man uh didn't turn his way olivera is a rising star but it was a great weekend all in all and now i can't believe there's no u of c card december 29th i think it's next saturday and that's it so that's why we're stuck after the 23rd so we're gonna be doing a lot of couple little things and uh that's it and that's that remember before this switch could turn you got to win the war against yourself that's the first thing the battle within yourself

that battle that we have inside of us that goes back and forth once you win that the world is yours you'll get your asshole licked on a daily basis you understand me and that's it and that's that thank you for watching on a beautiful monday morning snowing out but i don't give a fuck you're my job i love you guys and don't forget to visit me on patreon 3 5 and 7 15 the shirts got fucking sent out they're this color the color of happiness you think i'm wearing this color on a monday because i'm going to a fucking no i'm wearing this color because it transforms happiness we're happy to that i love you motherfucker enjoy the ads thank you very much wednesday uncle benny's that's it and that's that have a great fucking week we'll be back here wednesday

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