Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 02/11/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #54

Episode Date: February 12, 2013

14 year-old-podcaster Cassius Morris, Host of the That Reporter Kid Speaks and Creatures of the Net Podcasts calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. This podcast is also brought to you by Berries.com. Click on the microphone in the top right and enter HAPPENING for deals starting at 19.95. Streamed live on 02/11/2013.

oh shit oh shit Monday February 11th if you're a fucking Aquarius it's your birthday I think I don't know what the fuck's going on Lisa I add here the flying Jew Uncle Joey Coco D is here it's Monday of beautiful day to be alive get up your fucking maggots war pigs bitches hit it you don't have to wiggle this one this is a non-wiggle somewhere oh shit so beautiful fucking day to be alive hit it lead oh no no lower this is the fucking whole thing right here this is what he's a stuff stab the bitch oh shit how come his voice sounds normal this is before like 20 years ahead or what is on the

69 this is 1968 when there was still a band name earth hit it lead watch this shit right here that's Tony I owe me the baddest motherfucking Italian since Columbus give us damn me fuck Gotti and Capone it's Tony I owe me hit it oh shit they only started the war what it's a beautiful day to be alive February 11th we're here at the church of what's happening now I want to start out by saying what's happening Lee I'm doing great man what a fuck you've been I haven't seen you know we can I've been building furniture so fucking I hate it but I did it you love it you're like

captain like here you just walk around like here picking up chicks that place is fucking disgusting it's disgusting there were eight million people there I bought a table and chairs and it took me about four hours yeah it's a fucking nightmare no no no no like he is not for me no one time and I was like that and then your wife's good at it though what do you mean Terry is really good at it putting stuff together oh my wife's a fuck I can't do it don't listen you give my wife fucking 20 minutes and some space and show have that living room my wife is torn apart computers I see my wife what she does she's one of those people

you just give it 10 minutes and she'll figure it the fuck out yeah me on the other hand I'm fucking a moron I can't fix I can't even do a fucking all change you know that was a kid if I had a flat on a bicycle the bicycle sat there oh yeah of course who's going to I'm not good at fucking changing for I'm not mechanically inclined I had good friends that would be kind of like I had a kid next to me the one I told you with my yeah yeah the bike guy Valentine Farrell but I had another kid Clemens he was a fucking mechanical genius he's a truck driver today Henderson believe I met him because he had crabs the fucking you

know crabs those little fleas when you're a kid what he called lice lice he had lice as a kid any blame do you for it no I didn't blame me for it no everybody know I didn't have fucking lice I was a ringworm me type of fucking dirty words awful I had that from the woods because we used to walk behind the woods behind our house you know the woods yeah they have woods behind our house they built over it now yeah it's 30 years ago but back then the woods were our personal prayer playground that's the first place I seen somebody fucking in the woods I seen Maloney Steve Maloney his kid two three doors up from me he's

dead now he was fucking his girlfriend up there like and he like dug out something so he could fuck her so nobody would see him as they were walking by but we found them we seen him fucking one time it was tremendous we're like in the sixth grade yeah rocks that I said shit I'm only a few years out of it but it isn't more exciting when you're a kid and you can't go home because your parents are there now I have an apartment it's like hey who really cares nah but you know when you were a kid you got a side you know before like the eighth grade ninth grade you're fucking outside your finger banging outside in

the winter yeah you know you're sucking tits in the winter there was this girl who used to live by me like a couple streets down and she was she was the first girl I was in love with her first girlfriend and we had dogs and we would take like four-hour walks with the dogs just because that's I mean I was like 13 and like like it was the first boobs I fell when it was just it was a you tie up the dogs and get up by the tree and make out with them all of it that yeah and we'd actually try to fuck a bitch outside that's how savage we are oh that would have I would that we would know come on let's go tick off your fucking pants

I've been being in the eighth grade behind St. Michael's and there's a little church oh fuck yeah that's where you get your best pussy's behind a church and you're a kid who the fuck goes back there looking perverts nobody that's well that's the first place you go as a young fucking kid back there and one time like I was St. Michael's church in Union City we were playing I was like in the eighth grade at CYO ball and she was a cheerleader and I dated her for a while Colleen Maynes a little redhead from Union City New Jersey you know it was crazy about that but I think I told her on a testicle test and I never

told that was the first person I haven't met that didn't have a mother and I couldn't deal with it that mother had died a childbirth Jesus so it was two sisters Peg and Colleen and the father lived with them and that's why you know we could fucking her house because her father worked but we I think I fucked the one time you know in the eighth grade it's not even fucking you put your dick in there blood comes out you fucking cry you run home like a little fucking pussy but that's the first person I haven't met that didn't have a mom like I was blown the fuck away yeah I couldn't believe it like you know the mom and the

way she told me no my mom died and you know a childbirth or something when she had me and it was just really weird she's on Facebook now I looked her up I never really said nothing to her but it's amazing how when my mother died that's the first person I thought of like right away it was like my first intro to that mm-hmm I never forgot her name or anything because it was the first time I had met somebody you don't have a mom like it was fucking mind boggling to me that's what happens like I hear stories about people who like whose parents were criminals and like until they start going to school it's

like oh this is just what parents do and that like they don't realize it's different until like they see it so you like for for a kid who sees someone without a mom they're probably what the fuck is going on and of course there's a mom no no no the mom had died that's what I'm saying so for you it was mind boggling like I couldn't even fathom what she felt like yeah like I would go over and ask her like every time we whatever I didn't think we drank them we didn't do drugs we were kids the reason why I stopped dating it was because I was gonna go to five-star basketball camp and I it was the weirdest thing but that

always irked me and it always bothered me because part of the reason why I didn't like her anymore is because I'm she didn't have I don't know it was kind of weird not that she didn't have a mother I don't know what it was it freaked you out that much freaked me the fuck out so when my mom died I understood her mm-hmm I understood what she was coming from and helped me realize a lot of fucking things until this day I think about them but the situation the hand was I did try to fuck her outside but the worst one was right after my mother died like an 80 you know like 1980 81 okay I came into some money I did a bank

with this guy not rob the bank with a gun we cashed some check and we each made a ton of fucking loot like 20 grand and I was throwing away money like it was nothing and I went up and I and I and this girl wanted to hang out my name was Anna and I remember I took her behind the fire department it was fucking freezing I mean it was you know January in New York like what's this last weekend you know my buddy Felipe Sparzo played nyak New York and I don't know who booked them there I don't know who the fuck booked them there because me I don't even go to East Coast in February do I'll tell you why because you're gonna get stuck

mm-hmm and this for me I can't handle getting stuck I don't like at all I can't handle it all I'm fucking being stuck you ever see those people in an airport look at those fucking dummies I was worried about you in Florida because when it's East Coast like they couldn't get probably couldn't get planes all the planes to Florida no no no but I had direct flights no no delays and I took the first one out I don't fuck around I look at that shit yeah you know I beat the flight out of Columbus by a fucking pussy here but it was funny because I told the story in the Joe Rogan podcast once about Anna Bigiani how I the first

night we hooked up all we had hooked up before but this one night I got a really drunk we both got drunk we were like juniors in high school mm-hmm and we were drinking nips do you know it nips little ones they don't have money oh beers I think a little buzz of hard liquor it was beers beers little nips eight packs okay and East Coast they have eight packs right you have no I thought you were talking about the little tiny bottles of hard liquor no those are airplane bottles but nips are the fuck well maybe by this time now but when I was a kid nips with those little eight pack bottles okay but nips the

eight seven ounce bottles so they go down smooth okay they don't get fucking warm you know that's a few that's if you go see right so I took a moment and we must have gotten drunk I sucked in a little funnel to these my finger and the next day it snowed we were like let's meet you tomorrow night let's do it Jesus let's do it okay and the next that night overnight it snowed like a foot but that didn't stop me I got a fucking shoveling on that bus and I want to go on a bus I went up there dug and built the fucking igloo like a love igloo out of fucking snow this is how crazy I was I mean but we're all that crazy when we

16 somebody gives you let's them finger you whatever the fuck it is yeah how do we even get on this shit we're fucking people behind a church what's wrong with you late did you ever fuck somebody by the synagogue no you never finger bang somebody behind temple in the eighth grade or not no with that like yeah every time everywhere you're talking about seems like a place like people will look first like I tried to hide no you gotta fucking go do things right in front of them it's not I mean I could never make out with a girl to house with a father and mother upstairs that was getting on me that freaked me the fuck

out I don't like that your mom sneak down I mean you you're upstairs sleeping next to your wife and you know exactly what's going on downstairs yeah you know it's a little filthy fucking animals trying to grab your daughter's titties and shit so what the fuck I mean we're fucking young we got we go crazy too yeah like I knew if I didn't rape somebody by 22 I was never gonna rape somebody because that's when you're the craziest is yeah 13 or something I don't know like they're seeing some of these titties when you're 13 your face gets fucking red oh yeah your blood you can't even fucking thank you like god damn

those Titanic for me that movie Titanic that was crazy why you want you got horny yeah once you had the boobs out for the painting part after I was like now it's probably like 97 so I was like eight eight or nine or so I'm like yeah she had boobs out and what happened to you little Jew dick get hard I don't think I can get harder than but it was it didn't get hard then when you were a kid sure you get fucking hard yeah you can get hard just nothing happens you know it just gets hard you don't know what's going on you're all confused you're watching TV yeah you think it's HR puffing stuff you know I'm saying you

don't know what the fuck's really so yeah yeah I can understand what you're saying I've been here like when you're young you're fucking like I remember we had this guy Nelson on the block remember I showed you and he would we were like 10 11 and he would let us watch him fuck his wife for like a dollar you're chipping behind his window think about this craziness by the way I had a great fucking now people want to hit that shit we used to give my dog Nelson was the neighborhood uncle but he wasn't a perverted uncle he never tried to do shit to us like he would we

would give him money for weed and he would get us two joints because he was a waiter in the New York City yeah he was an older Puerto Rican guy he was probably 30 and he had a black friend and they drink behind there but he had his girlfriend that would come over to have his kid but she lived somewhere else even then fucking people were animals mama's daisies and when he would come over we go listen my girl's coming over if you guys want to see me fuck give me a dollar a piece and me and like eight savages would get together Jesus sit under his window and fucking he'd fuck but I never forget this late as long as

I live at the end of the whole thing she was always go give me milk daddy and it would drive me fucking crazy my head would I had to go home and like at that age 10 or 11 you didn't jerk off you just went home and looked at it I don't even know what you were saying you just knew something was fucked up your body you're like what the fuck is this feeling I can't even think my face is read another time my mother brought a chick home right before she died I was like maybe 14 my stepdad was still in the house so okay I was probably 13 maybe 12 and a half 13 and I was sleep I was to always go to bed early when I was a

kid my mother had the bar so my mother would always come home and wake me up yeah I brought your food or I brought you this or I brought you that so one night she was with some people I want to meet you downstairs so I had my pajamas on I just walked downstairs you know thinking and we had the living room area okay the garage and then under the garage we had downstairs to a little thing that it originally was like a boiler room okay but my parents put a wall around the boiler so it was beautiful I'll get finished basement yeah they paneled it they had a bar down there and they had a TV and they had the

fucking remote control not the remote control but the string from the cable then okay you go down there and watch TV so at night they go down there and listen to music and they had booze from the bar mm-hmm and one night I go down and there's all these guys I know my mom brought home all her friends my step dad's friends and there was broads there but my mom can introduce me there's one check yeah she wants to meet you know this so then she come over to me she's like you know do you want to dance and we started dancing we started dancing aggressively my dick got really fucking hard Jesus right through the fucking

pajamas and all my mother's friends like go upstairs change you're gonna get lucky tonight I didn't even know what the fuck was going on and I went upstairs like comb my hair and I put like cologne on I put like a suit on three in the morning 30 in the morning and I went downstairs they were all clapping and shit I started dancing with a salsa and go up close and I think she started touching my dick or something they're like clapping the next you know I just blacked out so this day I don't know if I fuck the you know pussy I just remember the next day my stepfather mother saying did you eat some did you drink some

listerine like I don't even know what yeah my mom didn't fuck around that's why when the when shared didn't mass people like that was wrong fuck you my mom did when I was like 13 brought a tremendous piece of pussy and I don't know if I did something I really don't I think I passed so this day I can't remember the fucking kills me but I want to I went to San Jose last Thursday yeah let me tell you something San Jose for me is like I don't even know it is one of my favorite fucking weed cities in the world oh we see you go up there a lot a lot a lot a lot and it's like family it's like I already know every where I go I

went to original Joe's I bumped into ten people I went to fucking McCormick and Schmitz I bump into nine people hey what's going on you want to get it is a fucking high capital and there's not you know the economies it was like the Silicon Valley I guess everything went down that makes sense yeah everything went down up there but they're still fucking nuts every time and every time I played up there the crowds get more and bigger and bigger and crazy and it seats 400 fucking people Jesus this one had like 300 people had the top not filled but that people up in the top and afterward people smoking dope you know

what yeah you called me but we're gonna do something because somebody unless I left it a fucking home this was great they I met these dudes see I get all this shit there you go oh shit fuck around I met these dudes and they gave me this this fucking thing to smoke oils out of and like the other thing I have like the panic yeah and the Ziggy's smoke shop 209 Ziggy's so if you're up in that area go to Ziggy's smoke shop that bad motherfuckers good guys I laughed my ass over them they posted pictures on on Twitter on Twitter afterwards I mean they were just fucking great guys so if you're in the 209 area they're gonna

send me a hat 209 Ziggy's and shit oh shit the DS brothers go up there for fucking their shit so if you're in that area Ziggy's they gave me a fucking greater great fucking whatever we call hot oil pen and when you think about it a lot of these weed companies and stuff are really mom and pop stuff cuz it's like the last mom and pop thing cuz they don't only have commercial or weed stores any yet at least well there's a couple of them here oh did they really yeah the pharmacy's very commercial that's everybody goes and hangs out oh my god well I meant like a $20 more for the fucking weed did you know that Jesus

but it's not like a McDonald's with those 8 million those specific ones it's still owned by like one person right but what's a mom and pop like where I go and OCC is mom and pop divine is mom and pop that there are mom and pop operations yeah so I understand what you're saying it's back to the to the where's I want to be around it's fucking Monday we got to pick up the piece a little something for the fucking spirits god damn it oh shit Lisa at Monday morning get up wash your pussy drink some coffee it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive get out there I want to be around oh shit to pick up the

pieces go weak when somebody breaks your are you fucking kidding me or what some somebody twice as smart the pope doesn't want to be around it fuck the pub we got Tony Bennett oh shit somebody who fucking tremendous tremendous little fucking jam yeah really since off the day it's the church it was happening now before we get started how about a shout out to my fucking sponsor I love these motherfuckers honest let me be honest shit yeah today when we meet today I thought give me honest stuff okay I got three weeks till I shoot this movie oh shit telling you

that I got scenes with the narrow it's just me and him I'm his fucking guys let's get this shit out of the way I didn't come up to be an actor or comic or nothing listen I did this just to buy me fucking time until I figured out what the fuck happened but I always knew one thing I always knew to me the most powerful force in my life was when I would go to a movie and I'd see somebody on the fucking thing you know and I think at the narrow and I think all these fucking guys and you know whenever I listen guys I'm a fucking fat motherfucking ex-con from North Bergen who the fuck am I you know you guys could put weight on

that I don't see it I break it down every fucking day because we all put our pants on one leg at a time but last week I'm looking at this thing where DeNiro was stepping on you know the Hollywood Hall of Fame yeah I can't believe it took a bit long yeah they're fucking well they give one to Jimmy Kimmel first because he's done so much better work you know and all these other fucking people you know Adele's got a star before DeNiro you know so but that doesn't mean nothing what I was looking at I'm looking at DeNiro and he's getting old and I'm like wow so that day I get an email from the movie and they're like

hey you got a new you know a new script so I look through the script I call the kid back I'm like what can I ask you a question just for curiosity who's playing kid and he goes Robert DeNiro you know there's a scene with me and him jumping rope oh shit there's a scene with when I go in the ring and he's getting beat up and I fucking you know so guys I'm a fucking felon it went to pretty lamb and a fucking thing with DeNiro one of the greatest actors of all fucking time the top ten you know so how fucking lucky am I am I gonna go out with a fuck do you see me with a little hat with a feather on it now like trying to be French you

know because for me it's a job but this is one of the things that hits home with me so I've got three weeks I start shooting March 6 I got three weeks to fucking get ready we'll see what happens to come back oh I'm gonna be a fucking savage when I get back that's fucking DeNiro DeNiro Stallone Kevin Hart Alan Alder are you fucking kidding me I'm a fat fucking kid from Northburg in New Jersey but I stuck with it then that's the number one thing that we're gonna talk about today cuz I'm sick and tired of people I can't get this done you know just start with if you come to me now you go I want to get my life yeah I say

do me a favor put good morning down on Twitter every day and I guarantee after three weeks they stopped doing it and won't even take three weeks and that's it and that's the same thing that happens in this country with diets that's the same thing that happens in the country with your goals everything goes away I know a chick who's been quitting drinking for fucking 18 fucking years yeah and I love it Dale you know and we get into it and she'll call me after we don't talk for two months and the first week we're gonna have she's solid if she says you're gonna call four days you but then after that she drips again you know you

don't hear from her for six days she tells you she's gonna meet you she don't meet you and I've been telling her for years you could keep dickin around with this little rehabs and AA meetings you need to go the fuck away for six months you know your parents got money it's not like you're missing a boat you're not doing shit because I see that the you know little commitments become big commitments guys little commitments become big fucking commitments again little commitments become big commitments start with Twitter just start with saying fucking good morning every day every fucking day I wake up in the

morning except on the weekends and I play three fucking songs for you people I write some stupidity disgusting shit you know what half he is a sick of it already I'm sick of fucking doing it but you know what I do it for to show you motherfuckers what consistency is for two years now three four five days a week I put three fucking songs on for you and I tell you to wash your pussy or stab your neighbor or you know go fuck with you up the ass I tell you to do fucking something with your life okay but just to show you guys people come to me on time how do you do it on Twitter right on it every day not about you taking a

shower because I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck about you going to the gym I don't get I want your social commentary to the world when something occurs mm-hmm that's all I want how you see it through your eyes calmly is the world through my fucking eyes for you everybody sees it should a different way we see if me and you go into a room and when we walk out I say what would you look oh he had an Israeli flag oh he had a printer we both gonna see different fucking things that's the beauty about life yeah that you see different fucking things so I got three weeks to get ready you're gonna help me okay and you know

I'm going back to the gym heavy you know I'm gonna run a little bit because my knees are back I got some great running shoes I couldn't work out last week of fucking on with this ear infection and the and the infection I got so I'm really working hard yeah I'm feeling a lot better the ears I can't hear you know just a good fart or something but I can't hear but I want to do really well in this movie yeah you know last time I worked with Peter Siegel was the longest yard and I didn't think he liked me you know and I'm really proud that he gave me a shot fucking eight years later he gave me another shot Peter Siegel so I'm

gonna go down there with the best intentions I have but part of my training routine is gonna be fucking on it because I know my alpha brain when you're in front of dinner or you got to be fucking sharp oh yeah this is the second movie I've done with him but the first one I didn't have lines with him okay we were in the same stage I would see him and you know he'd lunch somewhere else I'm not gonna say lunch you don't want to eat lunch with fucking Cubans so what I'm trying to say is I'm gonna tell you something the real world I don't believe in nothing I believe in what the fuck makes me you know I believe in

something that shows me I'm gonna show me state I'm like a half Missouri and I'm that's been very good so I'll go back and listen man this flew for me could have been worse it was just a little cold but I'm sure because I'm an immune so it's fucking winter time everybody's crying about getting sick my ass my pussy take fucking out of the moon go there right now on it calm they got the immune they got the alpha brain get either protein if you're gonna work out get the strong bone get on the shot today you're not gonna be fucking sorry go down at that time order whatever the fuck you want and put church in the box

up in the fucking corner there put church and you're gonna see you're gonna hit me back in three weeks ago Joe you know I don't know if this feels I can make any feelings on this I mean you can't feel fucking immune sport immune sport is that you're not getting sick that's what you feel yeah but the other shit you'll fucking feel the alpha brain you'll feel go to honor.com today if you got something sharp and give it a shot it might not be for you I know the strong bone is definitely for me I know the plant protein is for me it's filling up with the fiber you know am I losing a lot of weight no because I fucking eat

like a savage the West Palm with Joe this week I got some bad Cuban food this weekend West Palm bad Cuban food in Florida yeah it's a fusion I don't like fucking fusion give me straight I want to listen give me a listen no they want to put tangerine juice on a fucking listen and do me a favor you got four days still fucking four four days so Valentine's Day you want to be digging around go on from store to store buying jewelry fuck no get us something that you could both enjoy go to berries.com okay they got these chocolate cutting strawberries I'm gonna get my box tomorrow and bring them on Wednesday we're

gonna eat the fucking Kings all right forget all this shit the prices start at $19.99 that's over 40 fucking percent savings what you're gonna do is and they're dipped in white milk and dark chocolate what you're gonna do you get the what some with nuts you get some with up nuts you're gonna go to fucking where is it berries.com here's the how do you spell berries for you fucking momo B-E-R-I-E-S.com click on the microphone on the top left hand corner or right hand corner happening order your fucking berries today and she'll get them Thursday the beauty is you smoke a joint in the garage and you eat a two or

three of those fucking berries so you're not just getting them for her you get them for you and fucking her that's what how we roll so go to berries.com.com and get your cherries berries it started in 1995 I think it's free shipping I don't fucking know yeah and pro flowers you could do all your ordering right there like I said just go to right hand fucking corner and type fucking the church happening happening sorry see what happens when you smoke weed in the morning into the microphone I love you motherfucker just give some shout out before my main man calls Rocco or BC today Dabba Dukas Dave I love you I don't

know how to fuck the spelling Dabba Kadukas Dave Dane I love you Danny Rockwell stay black Eric Lemos Chris Harlan Diego Jordan from fucking Peru down there making fucking half grams disappear Donna Moon I like what you're doing and Dan Ciavello down there at the fire department in New Orleans I'll be down there in three weeks eating with you motherfucker jumping up and down eating Papa boys whatever the fuck you guys got and listen who the fuck knows you know what I'm saying and before we go ahead I just for the berries is great for girlfriends but it's I for people out there especially my age I sent my

mom something every Valentine's Day yes and the berries I sent her by center berries and I sent I sent I just before he came I put a card in the mail and it's for people who are out like working away from your mom I mean hearing you talk about that girl and in you I know I know it means a lot so take it for the 20 bucks even if it's just a card even if you can't afford the berries but do something it means a lot yeah yeah do something man that's very nice of you these are fucking somebody sent me an email yesterday they were like ah we love the show do us a favor take it easy I'm gonna fucking beat me up time and

time leaves my fucking son leaves my adopted fucking gangster son I'm gonna turn Lee into a fucking lean mean fight machine but at times least 30 is gonna be one of the top fucking things in this town trust me I'm telling you trust me when you're guys are all gonna laugh at this shit I'm gonna be an old man this fucking cocksucking Jews would be taking care of it fuck all you cocksuckers out there it's Monday bitches get your shit together write your goals down get on the scale quit smoking you could start all fucking over again fuck what they say you can't do it you're not gonna fuck these motherfuckers they can't stop

you get up they used to tell me I was too ugly you're too old to do can fuck you motherfuckers and now I'm doing a movie of fucking De Niro and Stallone and Kevin fucking hard I'm a fat fucking loser from North Bergen though if I could do it you could do whatever the fuck you want this goddamn world tell him Lee was the musically running through all the music here we go put some blacks out back oh shit oh shit oh shit get up and move cocksuckers a little thriller for you oh shit Michael Jackson in the house oh shit we know about this let me see the wiggle for popular oh shit let me

see the wiggle Lee oh shit that's it that's all you got family what do you want to do you gotta move you gotta fucking move connect Michael Jackson good come on Lee I can't do the crotch move on all right fucking kill me you don't want to dance no I don't dance you're supposed to my dog and show it's telling me when I got here today that I suffer from this one thing and it fucking kills me it's called child support let me tell you something I had a lot of fucking drama with my ex-wife a lot a lot of drama with this fucking kid that I don't talk to for the last nine years and a lot of

shit was done with a lot of shit under a fucking bridge you know he's living a car and send money and they wouldn't get it there was always fucking something well my daughter's 20 fucking two now yeah and yes I get to the airport I go to take money out for the cab and it gives me the money but something something just made me hit the balance inquiry and it took thirty seven hundred dollars out oh so now today when I leave here I'm gonna go home eat breakfast and I gotta get on the phone with my attorney at nine that's a hundred and forty but he's gonna call her attorney then fucking they're gonna have to call some child

support thing go what the fuck happened that they pulled this money this is why I'm mad I thought it was over 18 yeah so this is what I'm saying to you this is what I'm fucking saying to you so there's always fucking drama you know whenever I started comedy when I was really the pain that drove me to the comedy at first yeah I had all this other shit but the shit that made me go fucking crazy was what was going on because I started comedy like a 95 when all this is going on with my ex-wife and the daughter and she wasn't letting me see the kid and I had to think of the court so part of my pain part of my

fucking drive to do that was this fucking kid and when I came to Colorado I mean listen I wanted to stay and be a try to be a fucking good father but it was never gonna happen guys you know another type of guy I'm stupid like you know it's telling Joe Rogan you know I like working where I live yeah one of those dummies like if I live in Boulder I want to do the city limits I want to work in Boulder I like all that shit yeah I would have never left Colorado like right now I'm looking for a place to relocate to raise the kid and I would love to go back to Colorado but in my heart I think I disrespect the call

Colorado such a great state it's God's country mm-hmm I got a felony there you know I just did so many fucking bad things they live my right I feel like they won't take me back they'll take me back the state will I'm talking about like the mountains the fucking mountains are a strong fucking power brother you think so oh they're not like the power of the fucking mountains the mountains has his own fucking realm the ocean has its own fucking realm yeah you see him I've always told people I live in Seattle I used to feel really weird and then somebody said to me because up towards that way it's the deepest point

in the world like when that's why they have submarines up there because that's the deepest way to get underneath so different parts of the country affect different fucking people the mountains affected me fucking differently I'm telling you this yeah it's like I would move back to Colorado but I'm stupid but I know danger yeah I'm a fucking dummy but I know what danger is and I know when I'm in danger and I know when somebody else is in danger and for me to live in Colorado would put them in fucking danger yeah because all I would have to have is one bad day and I would go over and stab them all because I don't

like those people I don't like what they did and how they did it and I avoid them like I avoid my daughter and I avoid them nobody does not want to talk to their daughter but I avoid them as a whole because they're gonna start playing with me and when what I do is hard enough you know when I first moved you know how hard it is when you first move you know how hard it is to get spots and get on stage and write jokes and people to talk to you and agencies and this and this so I was getting beat up from both angles and one day finally I was on like my best behavior and I looked at a piece of paper they sent me and I called it up

and I said do me a favor bro let's be honest with each other like people should be in real life you don't fucking like me yeah and let's be honest let me tell you one better I don't like you if you were on fire I wouldn't fucking piss on you if I was walking by why do you talk to me why do you say hello to me why don't even fucking bother talking to me when I call there the fact order of phone for my daughter so I bypass you dumb motherfuckers I don't need conversation with you people no and that's the way I feel about life sometimes you know people don't like each other why do we talk go fuck yourself some

people no matter how much therapy they go to ain't gonna like each other no that's just the way life is bro you who are natural enemies the shark and the fucking monkey I mean somebody's a natural enemy sometimes in life people become natural enemies especially during a fucking divorce I just got an email yesterday answered about some guy that it's been two years they still but you have no idea divorce is one of the worst fucking things that could happen yeah it devastates you more than on the law sometimes and even if they even if she didn't do anything if you move back to Colorado you'd have that feeling and you

don't want that around your new daughter so it's better to go with a new happy I know me yeah I know me I know when somebody's in danger yeah I know when I'm around somebody when that I know when that person gonna say something I'm gonna fucking smack him so I avoid them I have always been one of those people you know what you could avoid I'm gonna go down there and bang heads with you for what I'm too fucking old now yeah I was too old to 25 you know I'm saying I was too old to 25 to bang heads with you I'm not one of those people I just move on the other side of fucking Bay I don't give a fuck but it's just so weird

lead that this was like a curse for me this is like a lifelong curse for me yeah and you know I can't tell you the emotions I have about these people like even my daughter at this point in the fucking game you know you're supposed to be a fucking Diaz I didn't do nothing wrong to her at all I didn't do anything wrong to her by this age 23 I would have had to figure the fuck out or whatever she is 22 or 21 I would have had to figure out what went on and I would reach out because I reached out to her two or three times on fucking Facebook or whatever she won't fucking reach back out to me so that's the

mother yeah and you know what I started a new family and this carries over no matter what happens with them this will always carry over even Terry said something to me that day she goes when I first started dating you I always felt like I was I was the punching bag for Kathy for what had happened you and her like I was the one that was suffering we were never gonna get married we're never gonna have kids so this is more shocking this is why my wife was more in shock yeah and every time I tend to get better about it now I'm angry all over again that's fucking 37 how long you know much of fucking how many planes

I got a fucking take to get that lead you have any idea so and I'll get it back that's not the point the point is at this point my fucking life you know I start out in the morning is a great mood I really do man I really fucking do no matter what happened the day before I know in my heart it's gonna be better today yeah that's why I always stress today I'm not worried about tomorrow or yesterday it's today where you got to make your move and today where you got to worry about you know me and you always have discussions about I don't worry about nothing unless it's in front of me you know why worry about something a

month away we don't fucking know we get hit with a fucking tropical lightning bolt and not know what's gonna happen and you're like can you imagine we worried about all this shit you know yeah it'll be I think it'll end up good because I think people like my friend and I'm my friend who's staying with me and I were talking about it how people don't realize they're being assholes and how they can do that to other people I think with your wife with your ex-wife it's gonna end up that she this is gonna take a couple weeks and it's gonna be annoying but she starts to live with herself and then she's gonna see you in a movie

trailer with Robert De Niro that she's gonna be stuck up in her shitty life in Colorado my wife has a great life in Colorado she's not as good as that no it suits her I mean this doesn't suit listen when when when I fucking left Boulder it was a very tough decision for me but it was the decision of that I have to go do something in my life to prove to my daughter that I'm not this person that this lady accuses me to be yeah in all the fucking angles you know part of my drive is my daughter and the other half is the people who helped me I never wanted them I never you know I never wanted somebody to go memory

stadia for a month and we fed them look at me just a fat fucking junkie in LA now he's not doing none he's not doing comedy when I do these little things it's for the people that helped me out along the way you know the Askelis is this family from Jersey sent me something the other day and they have three boys and three girls and I was really tight with one of the guys still am he's my brother and I'm tight with one two or three of the girls two of the girls the nephew just came out here to play and but the funny thing is that they have a sister the medium sister mm-hmm that never smoked never drank never knows my

world and at the end of the day she really saved me there's two people really fucking saved me I think I think about it all the time mm-hmm she was one of them because in 84 I was in such bad shape that I was sleeping on the streets like in parks and I was sleeping like in people's backyards and shit and I would go to her house at night she would give me one of her father's shirts mm-hmm she give me like five dollars and I take a shower in her downstairs basement she was Mike's medium sister and and Jennifer's older sister she's in the medium okay and she never told nobody like when people help you there was like

all cocoa came by here tonight I had to feed them and give them ten bucks this chick never said nothing like she fucking I used to go there every night eight o'clock and knock on the window or they used to have like a patio this is November in Jersey it's fucking 20 degrees and I would sleep on their lawn chairs in the backyard because the mother couldn't see out that way I would sleep underneath the thing back there I would sleep in people's backyards and she knew it Janine would come out at night and fucking bring me a sandwich and the shirt and the fucking I mean there was something from another world it just it

was amazing other people who helped me and I called Jennifer I've been told Jennifer a lot to the system not the one that helped me but another one that was good to me no family was good to me growing up and I told I said nobody ever knew this I go when you talk to Janine next time you fucking tell her that Coco never fucking forgot what you did for him never never never never never I see her pictures on Facebook now with her kids and her husband and you know and then George yeah I see Rita George you know let me tell you something George you want to let me into his house that February of 85 God knows what I'd be

right now yeah God knows you know so it's it's really weird the people who helped me I never wanted to let them down at no level that I ever want to let any of those people down because they've done so much for me yeah you know and you can't even you you've done a lot for me we've done a lot for fucking each other yeah I don't like that you know it's weird that the other I said man we go over that five in the morning we're wide awake and we talk shit Lee you're a fucking savage thank you really I talked to a lot of young kids they would have given up on this but they would have given up on this fuck they

would have given up on this you know well I told you already if it hadn't been for D doing the math flavors world and stuff I would have been home after after my first lease I didn't because I hated the job I was at and so I mean yeah five a.m. is not great but it was his name is Hashim is he not no you sure yeah you work for Hell's Kitchen yeah yeah yeah I do maybe he works on set because I don't work on set yeah I think he works on sets because he he his wife I talked to his wife did that okay and we were talking about what his husband doing she goes yeah he works on Hell's Kitchen

okay no yeah he must work on set that's way long ago but I think I think a good chance with the daughter because if she's gonna be about 22 now 23 this is the best time because if she had 22 years of her mother just saying all awful things it's gonna take if if she separates from it it'll probably be a good thing it's probably the best chance you have listen man just because you know you do movies and you do comedy doesn't mean you're doesn't mean you're a good person I mean I've always blown away on how America portrays actors and stand-ups like they're fucking douchebags you know once you meet them you'll notice that

they're fucking douchebags yeah my accomplishments in the movie and comedy shit which I've had none should affect my father my traits as a father that's what people get confused I just wanted to prove to her that I could stick with something mm-hmm that I wasn't gonna be a fucking nomad that I wasn't just some guy that was a flash in the fucking pan you know I wanted to prove to them that I was something I want to do something with my life I sit here sometimes I look at my wallet and I got a fucking I have a fucking screen actors guilt card yeah you know that's the truth guys I have a fucking screen actors guilt

guys now I'm saying this to you that no but I've been in the fucking screen actors guilt since Jesus when you were sleeping on the lawn chairs you would never you would never thought you would be in one of the biggest unions no I've been a member and the actors guilt is 97 that means for 16 years I've been fucking around with actors and shit like that you think I would have known that ten years ago do you think I will not even when I moved here I never even thought I would do a fucking an extra role yeah like I'm telling you the truth I was like how do I how do I fucking become an extra I don't get a

fucking done an extra role and somebody called nine unbelievable I don't know what happened to this fucking guy he's supposed to call now these people fucking forget they fall asleep I don't know what happens to these cocksuckers let's see I'm trying to get this party started people ain't calling me back and shit you know but that's great my hearing your stories my dad didn't have it as bad as as bad as you did with the first one but my dad got married he moved to Miami when he was about my age around 21 and he got married really young and all he's ever told me is don't get married young and it just the hearing your

stories just I'm sure there's some that work out but it just freaks me out just hearing all the stories that happen hey man things you know things always work I'm not gonna tell you that in my first I'm listen I've never fucking told you that my first marriage I was an angel I didn't cheat on her I didn't do anything that stuff but it wasn't really me but no one's ready at that age no no that wasn't ready I thought I listen I could lie to you and tell you I got married for simplicity yeah I got married because she thought she's gonna she was gonna make my life easier had laundry and a cook no I had something that the fuck that's not

what marriage is about no but at that age what I had been exposed to that's what I thought so here's this nice fucking girl trying to do her best and I'm out there selling coke and you know I mean it was like I lied to her so I understand her anger or whatever and that's fine I was angry at her you know I thought she cheated on me I was angry at her that's fine we move on but but now we have another factor in this there's a child involved so now we have to both do the best and I could sit here and tell you that was I ready for a child at that time fuck no but the love and the the the commitment was there I was

willing to try you know I was willing to try and after I had contact with and I was around I was willing to try I was willing to take classes to be a better dad in fact I even took a couple but they didn't care about that no they didn't really care about that they can't they looked at it as the position I was in life you know instead of where my heart was you know and I was watching Valley girl yesterday you ever see Valley no what's that Valley girl is Nicholas Cage is one of his first movie with this girl about the Valley and they show do pause and they show all these plays in the Valley and see no bowl and they show

all these places okay and it's about this girl that lives in the Valley and she hangs out with these Valley dudes who are football people but she dates a guy from Hollywood that's crazy Nicholas Cage he's got blue hair it's fucking leather jackets and he goes to bars and he drinks and he and she's in high school and there's one scene where her father is played by the guy that played the chef in Apocalypse Now he was in Apocalypse Now of course yeah okay the guy that played the chef from Louisiana don't get out of the boat they told you not to get out of the boat that guy he's great he plays a hippie dad in the Valley and

he talks about how she goes to see him one time and she goes you know and it really not when I put the movie on Terry's like there's a ton of movies on rounders is on there was a bunch of shit on yesterday but I chose to watch this movie I was just you know when you fly you want on wine you know yeah and I'm watching this movie there's one scene where she goes to him and she's like dad you know I got a problem my friends want me to be with whatever because he's a jock and he's good looking he's blonde he's a quarterback but I want to be Randy but he's different he doesn't dress like us and she told me those

who gives a fuck yeah it's not what is around you it's what's fucking inside you you know when people look at like the black guy brought to the tank yeah he came to my wedding Dante's one of my best friends in the world Dante's a scary dude but I live in Hollywood with all these fake motherfuckers and I do know that at the end of the week if I ever got myself into a bad position Dante without hesitation would be there for me with a stick and a fucking mouthpiece and new chucks and we could end up back to back and we'd fight it out with whoever the fuck that's why Dante's still around me yeah because I know what Dante's from

in his heart I know Dante's got a kid I know Dante's been shot I know Dante would do anything for me he's been around me for fucking 12 years you know uh so a lot of people must look at me and go look at your fucking friends I don't judge people by money or if they're on tv or none of that shit I judge people by their fucking heart and how they attract especially out here yeah where people think because they've been in a movie they're better than you are get your shit together how about the people who've done a movie 20 years ago exactly and they still wear that fucking badge I don't like I was in that movie

to fuck you it's 2013 you know what I'm saying even avatar is old oh yeah I know it drives me nuts is people walking around with the uh the swag or stuff they get from working on a show like they walk around with cat like crew of uh sweet home makeover or whatever from 90 from 2000 and they walk around with it and they of course they will always have it on it fucking drives me it drives me fucking crazy the shit that I put up especially on set as a coke rock from the 80s that had a blow out of that fucking nostril I don't know what happened to my 640 call so let's move on but what we talking about

about uh just people in this town and you know I worked on a set about three months ago and the director was a fucking ego I mean guys a fucking ego was this guy funny or had any more talent than the people I run with fuck no but he was an opportunity he became an ego this guy I'm not gonna tell you his name because it really doesn't fucking matter it's a situation and they were very white on this set I mean very white in his way and you know I didn't give a fuck I was only gonna be there for three days they were paying me I don't give a fuck but the day of shooting they were listening to Bruce Springsteen you know and I fucking can't stand that shit born to run the song I could tolerate you know but the rest and all that shit I can't

and he had born to run and I went up to one of the ADs and I'm like are you fucking serious blasting yeah I was gonna say not not on the radio on like speakers around the set speakers blasting and he goes oh no he's personal friends with Springsteen so he always playing gives a fuck he's personal fucking friends with Springsteen like I'm supposed to be fucking impressed and all these other people on the set are like grooving to this shit like this is great I'm like you know I'm from Jersey this is the last fucking thing I want to hear but uh it's weird the people you meet out here guys and once you come out here you see and you're right they have their little shirts they have to let you know that they've been on that show and

whatever when you get on those sets they all have them all the camera guys from all the shows they worked on you know what man it's amazing that we give all the light we do and don't get me wrong there's a lot of actors that I love and they're fucking amazing yeah but they're not changing medicine they're not curing fucking kids with cancer no do you ever see a poster of these fucking people these people that make inventions for us to go through with our lives these vaccines or no we don't see nobody who changed what about the guy who the baby last night in DC who had a lump on his fucking head and the surgeon who went in there and took the lump out of his head and stitched him up now the baby's alive do they do a fucking thing about him in today's

paper do they do a thing about him or no but Daniel Day Lewis plays Abe fucking Lincoln who nobody fucking knows who Abe Lincoln is nobody fucking ever talked to him and we're all saying he did a brilliant portrayal of fucking Abe Lincoln that's the shit that fucking gets under my skin yeah that's the shit they go oh he did such a you don't know these fucking people you know the most one of the saddest things ever was like Joe Pesci who I love he's one of my idols Joe Pesci Joe Pesci won an Academy Award for Goodfellas playing himself yeah of course but you guys at home saying oh he was great no there's a thousand characters that people write to themselves that they don't have to do anything for they just play them fucking cells but you

people like oh do you know this guy no then how the fuck do you know what he's playing and what the fuck he's not playing this is the shit that just burns me the fuck up yeah you know acting stand up they're all different variables of of artist thing I love doing stand up like I had a fucking blast this weekend in West Palm Beach on stage tell me because they were uptight Jews and I had to smack them around you know they're Jews with three dollars yeah well we don't live in Miami with them specs we live in Palm Beach really you fucking dummy you live in Florida everybody got lizards you know what I'm saying everybody got lizards bitch so you know the Palm Beach people a little the first show I had to go out there and just smack them and I went out there and I said you

know it's great to be down here because at least not one thing I'm around real fucking Jews those are Jews with Chevrolets down there they ain't like these fucking heaps out of here driving beaches and shit like that make them believe you know I'm saying yeah these are Jews with Chevrolets you gotta give them a little respect these are Jersey Jews these are old school Jews but they still they left they took the ride people came up to me after I'm really Jewish that was hilarious but he goes to people next to me were furious you know you're Jewish yeah let's make a fucking joke here everybody's so fucking uptight they regard them oh I'll tell you about what else about that Valley girl me and my wife were saying at the prom because it was a

junior they were juniors in high school uh-huh they were at a prom okay and the band was playing this let me tell you how much times have changed Valley girl was put out in 1983 and the band you know what song the band was playing tell me are you queer boy and they would go like this tell me I never put their hands down and shit like that yeah listen to how much our society has changed like the word is not queer no more you don't even hear queer no like when I was a kid people say have it out in john's queer you know you don't even hear fucking queer no more I mean you don't hear these terms it's amazing how much society has changed remember a couple weeks ago I played the Sanford and son yeah from 1975 when they said nigger on NBC I played it and fucking I got a

thousand emails going you made that up you people thought that I had a what is it when you put some soundboard like nigger I would never do something like that and I'm sorry if I had to say the word it's Monday morning but fuck it we've all heard it before let's not play fucking like we don't say it at home and shit yeah uh that's Sanford and son bit same thing how much society has changed we can't say nothing no more no nothing people getting salted that's why I love these podcasts I listen to podcasts all the time but after three minutes I could tell him you're trying to do a radio show the difference between a podcast on a radio show is two things we're not selling you nothing we play what the fuck we want to play but most importantly it's unedited and we could

say what we want from our heart why would I do a podcast with my main man Lee and get you up at five o'clock if I was here to please you people I'm not looking to please you motherfuckers I'm doing I'm taking you into fucking our world me and the fucking flying Jew you know I'm saying oh send hit me with some musically a little war pigs let's get out of the eyes more and going for these people obviously we're gonna wait for my next call my main man Cassius Morris is calling oh really with the yeah my little buddy's 13 he's got a fucking podcast you think this guy signed at home and said I'm not gonna do a podcast because I'm a young guy move it up a little yeah move it up move it up a little I'm gonna rock these motherfuckers out there's a right here right here but they'll

move it up a little bit more when they when they start getting the guitars we already heard this okay move it up all right a little bit more this is amazing this is the first thing I heard it was sad I thought my fucking head was gonna blow up when I heard this I really did I remember my room I don't know who I was with listen to this shit hit it oh oh shit Lee down

who's the drummer the drummer's really good Bill Ward amazing oh cash is calling as a big kiss fan right who cash is I'm rolling a joint people out of roaches you got any more weed in the house no you took it all last time no I didn't you had that big bug cocksucker where is it I thought you had it no the one that you had here with the baggy yeah you took it no I did not take the one I take your weed it's a memory you didn't take it I mean you rolled from it I thought you used all that I don't know I don't know I'll have to look for it you look for it

and uh it applies to our to hollywood and stuff it also applies to everyone else uh my friend a lot of people are looking for jobs and it's nerve-racking going on job interviews but something I had to learn and to remember is these people are just normal people like you're going in for a job and you get all nervous and and I know it's hard but don't be nervous I mean they're people they're just like you and they're they're hiring you for a job and they're not special they're not they're not uh like a geniuses and and it all you have to remember everyone's just people and you gotta you gotta relax listen brothers they all put their pants on one leg at a fucking time guys yeah you know they all fucking put their pants on one leg at a time yeah I used to go to

auditions and be fucking really scared you know I go to meetings and be real first of all they're looking for you they want you to go in there and tell them what fucking part what time it is yeah they don't know what they're looking for so you gotta go in there and tell them number two you gotta put your pants on one leg at a fucking everybody puts their pants on one leg at a time don't have to be intimidated by anybody for a job to walk into a room you know I remember uh my friend's going skiing today mm-hmm and he was asking me he's like you used to ski a lot in Colorado I'm like yeah you know but it's funny that I didn't know how to ski I never skied in Jersey because it's too fucking cold out there with those penguins and then I moved to Colorado and I wanted

to ski and I was scared and my neighbor had a problem and I lent him money his father passed and he was I can't get the money to you so I come back from the funeral and I you know he could have beat me he came back and uh he goes you know as a favor I'm gonna teach you how to ski he was a big-time ski instructor he worked at sport Kailin okay look at his fucking Jerry's now it's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive so first day I went up there he couldn't ski with me so he just gave me skis and he goes walk over there with the skis and don't tell you and it took me an hour from here to the car it took me a fucking hour Lee from how long I kept falling the whole thing and then he finally took me on on on the lesson and Lee I fell in love with skiing I went

from 185s to 205s I fucking loved that I'd ski the black shit every day I when I went to New Jersey those nine months I fucking my heart was a thunder from that ski and I was like I can't wait to get back to Colorado I loved that I found something that I wasn't great at but I was good at and I was it was solo so I put my walking on I get really fucking high eat a mushroom and I go up there and it'd be called that's my type of shit I like it called with goggles on but here's the beauty of it I never wore none of those fucking outfits really yeah like I wear jeans Jesus Christ with like a giant jacket you know those plus new new york jackets that are puffy and they keep you warm in the winter and goggles and some baseball hat on backwards

blaring black Sabbath and I go up there and all these people be up there with their fucking brand new skis and their outfits and slowing and helmets and all this shit and this is a little more fucking from New Jersey because at that time I wasn't fat I'd be fucking skiing circles around them with my little jeans on zooming down the things and just because I didn't look like a skier but in my mind I used to get intimidated by people like that oh look at them they guys it's like when you go play basketball there's always that guy with the extra knee braces and elbow braces like he's some fucking guy don't be intimidated by those guys those guys just looking for fucking attention going they rocked their fucking world yeah and even out of it we take some guys when you do the work

you should never be intimidated the only time you can be intimidated is when you don't do the work and you have nothing to hide but if you did your time and you've got the experience and you're going for a job you're telling that motherfucker what time it is yeah that's I was really you know yeah you went on this fucking number you're gonna let me sit here all day I don't know how you take it from like the little tiny I can't even it's not even tiny we got an inch here you can't even it's not in this big as your pinky but what I was gonna say um the first job interview you're on you're intimidated and what you learn is that all they want is confidence they want to know that you can do that so just be confident and make jokes and that's all that's all I can say

but remember everybody puts their pants on one leg at a fucking time don't even be scared or intimidated from nobody you know these guys that you're gonna do something they're all dressed up and fuck those pussies bro fuck those fucking pussies yeah doesn't matter what you look like go in there put your heart on the fucking table and your balls on the table and says I'm here motherfucker and if you're not doing that shoot yourself right now and because it's not gonna work out no you know when I go to these fucking auditions I go in there and you see people who have been in fucking tremendous movies you know they're in tremendous fucking movies you know when I went for Spider-Man 2 that guy was in there from Oceans 11 the big guy that George Cooley beats

up beats George George Cooley up in that room and he was going up for the same part as me and Spider-Man 2 oh sure you know and Spider-Man 2 they were like that Paulie Walnuts was gonna get the role and Goldberg went in for it the wrestler and all these people in the room and I walked in there looked around these motherfuckers and I go you know what I'm at the comedy store every night you know I went to acting class I'm gonna go in there and get this and I made up my mind there was a couch behind me and the reed there was a couch behind me with a fucking thing I went in there with a white t-shirt on with a new york Yankee hat on with a newspaper on the lineup and this is the same chick that cast Pretty Woman oh sure like I never forgot her name I now I forget her name because I'm three joint

senators fucking ten after seven in the morning and I went in there and somebody else would have been scared already like right there they would have lost a war in their head remember you the first place you lose the war is in your fucking head what the mind could conceive the body could achieve if you fucking believe it you'll fucking do it okay you'll fucking do it nobody's gonna fucking stop you so I I remember that the big guy came out and Goldberg came I didn't know Goldberg I just knew he was a wrestler and he was a face and I knew when I walked in that room for me to get these parts I gotta rock this motherfucker yeah so it was the same thing I'm supposed to walk into camera and go if you want to get to him you got to go through me and then he would blow me up

okay right there was a couch behind me and I was 415 fucking pounds it was 80 degrees outside and I just parked my car and I had a black warm-up on with this shirt on the fat sweat and the cocaine sweat was coming out of me by the fucking gown that's when I used to get I used to always doing so much blow that the underarm on my white t-shirt was yellow uh from the chemicals from all the pills and the shit I was doing and the alcohol and you could smell it like I would walk the next day and I could smell the fat ether burning and my fucking fat and shit so I uh I uh walked in that room and I knew right when I walked in that fucking room I looked at that couch I go here's my chance when that thing hits me I'm gonna fly backwards take touch and knock

everything down and that's exactly what I did I fucking sold that audition motherfucker I went backwards knocked that table over and rolled like a fat fuck that I am and her and her assistant when I looked up they were like this they could not fucking believe it they couldn't believe it they're like can you do that again I did it again that was it and I'll never forget going in there the first day of shooting and I wasn't shooting that day but Rami Sam Rami coming up to me and going dog that was a great fucking audition and that's what my specialty is like people have no idea from comedy I have to learn how to grab you my mother knew how to grab you I went in for an audition a couple weeks ago for this leave Suzanne Vash for some stupid show

and I go how you doing Suzanne she goes how are you and her and her assistant were giggling and her assistant was giggling like oh what's up you told her the story when I came in here with underwear on and she goes I'll never forget that same thing I went in there and there was all these big Italian dudes this was a pilot for ABC called the American family okay and there was this guy you know those families that live on a block and they're crazy yeah like they had like it's hot out instead of having a pool they have a kiddie pool and they're washing the wife down with the hose and they're like look at us we're fucking animals you know like we got to figure out who needs a pool look what we did yeah it was the same kind of guy and I'm sitting there looking at all

these guys walking out I've seen on TV at that time I was never I'm talking nothing I see all these guys and I go how can I beat these guys I go what are those guys usually those guys are weird usually they wear like bikini underwear yeah they're really fat or something I go I got no bikini underwear I know what I got I got a tiny whitey I had sweats on and a shirt that I could just take off like I didn't have a t-shirt underneath so I figured out I go I gotta go in there and I gotta do all this shit figure out how to do this because then I'm gonna let me take my pants off you never ask no you never ask them but I'm gonna take my pants they're gonna say no you do what you do let them worry about the fucking pieces later don't you ever ask permission to do what the

fuck you do you do it and then worry about what the fucking everything else goes and for some reason they both looked at me they go Joey give us a minute we gotta fill something out and they put their heads down and it was like God was in the room I looked at them I unpushed my fucking sweats and I just took my sweats down and I took my t-shirt off and they popped their heads up and they're like are you are you ready and I'm like yeah and all of a sudden look come on in jump in living like a doctor I said that I go living like a doctor and they fucking hit the computer off and it was over it was fucking over they knew right then and there like this guy's got it no matter when I remember being in my car and my agent called on I just got a call from ABC did you

really take it on the you fuck yeah I did because I don't give a fuck when you want something guys you fucking go for it don't worry about the let the pieces fall what the fuck they may don't ever be intimidated you got a job you go in there you know like a lot of these people look for if you're looking for a job today when I tell you to get up I'm not telling you to get up and read the paper that's what every other idiot is doing this is what American kids don't realize that every other idiot is doing it when you open up the paper or you go online what's the web page to get a job craigslist craigslist now what's the other one where's she going to this monster and so guess how many people going on all this all of them everybody so you got to create your own page so what do you

do you walk into places by yourself you see who's looking for places you get a notebook and you make that list all that shit you're doing that all counts to your job that's all the confidence you're going to get that's the confidence that's where you get your confidence and preparation preparation is where you're going to get that confidence which you know and you put on a fucking suit and you grease your head not at one o'clock not at two o'clock not at two thirty that's not going to work at nine oh one but Joey they don't open till ten you're going to be there at nine oh one so when the owner comes in he sees that you're there for that and whether he's hiring or not you're going to walk in there and go hi my name is fucking Lisa and I'm looking for a job I want to

know if you guys lean in the editors or whatever the fuck it is that you do and they either say yay or nay but at least you're not chasing the same fucking nickel for every other kid in America is chasing who's got a fucking political science degree or whatever fucking sign that you know degree right yeah so that's how you know it's like right now people everybody has the same sponsors if you listen to ten podcasts you're going to hear cherries berries are you going to hear whatever that's why I had the fucking thing how I do it my own flavor number one and number two I always look for people outside that room you know I hit people up for sponsorship they say no they say no but at least they know I'm looking but that's how you do things guys you don't chase the same

fucking nickel as everybody else these fucking people all looking at the same job board they're all looking at Craigslist getting thousands you can't go to those you got to go to the other ones you know uh there's times when I get home now the breakdowns will be out they're acting jobs yeah dog I take that fucking envelope I take an email I take my picture and I email my picture with the fucking breakdown then I have an agent to do that but I want to do that to let them know I'm looking for this fucking job too yeah and if they have an office that I could get to see a lot of casting people's offices are on lots yeah so by the time I get them the envelope is gonna take no so I don't go to those I go to whatever they could see me I want them to see me and feel people

always call me up Joey how do we get an agent do we send I said 200 envelopes nobody got back to me because everybody's sending 200 envelopes you're doing what everybody else is doing yeah you want to do what nobody's doing so that means you got to get the envelope stuff it put a suit on wash your pussy grease your head nice brush your teeth shine your shoes and go down and give them the fucking envelope and then they'll see you yeah and they'll go oh my god he's nice looking he wears clothes they can't see shit that you have in your pictures so please people don't ever be intimidated about a job you know you control your own fucking world don't let nobody control your fucking world you're the captain Kirk of the Enterprise tell them cock suckers

and the worst part about that for people who are applying online if you walk in there and they're like all right he's already here why am I going to call these people in if he's already here I'll just give him the job and call in call people you want a fucking job you apply for a fucking job the first thing you do when you get home is to rather thank you know yeah okay a thank you know cost a stamp and your time I'm not telling you to send them a bottle of champagne I'm not telling you to send them berries cherries berries I'm not telling you to send them flowers a thank you fuck you a note okay and then on the third day after that audition you're gonna call that motherfucker and thank him and ask him if there's anything else we could do to help you get that this make that

decision is there an extra reference that alone nobody else is doing then seven days you're gonna call them that the 14th day and they're gonna fucking you're gonna call them to you either get the job or they give it to somebody else but at least you died fucking trying yeah all these people that tell me oh I don't I can't find the job I just it's it's unheard of to a guy like me I understand there's many people live in small communities and there's just so many opportunities available but in big cities you get something or create your own fucking job you create your own fucking little gig man yeah that's it that's all that's what we got going on today on Monday morning February mother fucking 11th oh shit 2013 what do you got planned the rest of the week

the rest of the week I'd got this and uh I was talking to my dad I was like every time you asked me that I'm like I got work and uh that's about it you got the gym yeah I got the hook up today and talk about what we're doing the rest of the year yeah what we're gonna shoot the special what we're gonna take the cd at we're trying to put testicle testaments together as a show we're trying to do a lot of things you know I gotta get back to work I'm still pissed about that $3,700 now I'm fucking furious about I wanted to fucking cry yesterday but I know that you know that there's nothing you can fucking do you know in the real world so but I'm happy we're here we're healthy at least you have all I can think about is it's good to happen before the movie came out because

then they'd be hitting it for like 10 grand or something so you'll get it all legally figured out before that happens yeah no it's uh for a long time this situation really hurt me it really took me down a notch I know that when I stopped doing blow it was because I came to terms with this whole part of my life it was tough for a long time it was tough oh and the child support all that shit fucking took away for a lot from my life man and uh you know I want to put the situation to bed but I don't even want to talk to those people like I'd really like to call and talk to them put the situation to bed I just don't live I just don't want that around in my life yeah that's why you pay the lawyer even that cocksucker I don't know what you know if you have any idea what I

paid the lawyers the last three years if you have any idea what I paid the lawyers from 92 to 97 your jaw would fucking drop man yeah this wasn't all worth it this wasn't all worth it for both of us you know so you sure this fucking phone's on today yeah it's on right now you sure because cash this is supposed to fucking call I don't know where this little cocksuck is at he's over there and uh he tweeted about it so he tweeted about it you know oh here he is oh shit oh shit there's my little brother hey how you doing Joey what's up buddy how are you today my friend I'm awesome how you doing Lee hey nice to meet you what's going on man you're done with school uh no it's actually 11 10 a.m. here I got driven home from school uh to do this but I'm going back after so hey cash

is how old are you tell the people how old you are and what you do and well everybody uh I'm 14 now I turned 14 in November and uh I do two podcasts one you may know me from uh that actually had Joey on it's called that reporter kid speaks and the other one creatures of the net and I've been doing those shows for a while and I do youtube videos and a whole bunch of stuff like that you are an amazing fucking young man brother I've been watching you you know I'm a fan I know you had red band on there and any bravo on there correct yeah yeah any bravo when you talked about kiss and everything oh yeah did you watch uh the uh the uh tribute to d snider this week by any chance no I didn't catch that okay they had a tribute to d snider and we have a dear friend named

Craig gas you know Craig gases yeah the comedians yeah I actually messaged him last night and he's going to do my podcast is he really yeah tell him I said hello where'd you meet him at I am well I heard about him uh on the Gene Simmons roast and then I saw him on the videos from the crews and stuff and yeah he's doing the podcast in April okay it was funny because he does the segment on Gene Simmons uh you know faking d snider right and he goes and it's not going to be funny I'm not giving any justice but he you know how Gene Simmons always starts to sell shit in between his interviews you know that was the sketch so it's Gene Simmons going you know you wanted the best you didn't get the best you got the d snider and then he goes and also he had cash registers to go off and he

starts taking out all this kiss stuff but the best is they flash to him he's got a he's got a blunt and it's burning right and somebody goes Gene is that yours and he goes me no I don't smoke this is the act of the ace freely edition you could sprinkle cocaine in there I almost fucking died he would he would you know I know ace freely oh yeah oh yeah I met him uh maybe 20 years ago through a friend that knew him from Connecticut and uh he was fucking crazy at the time you know I've always been I I tell you ace freely is a badass fucking guitar player absolutely one of my favorite guitar players of all time so what else is going on in your world talk to me little brother well I'm getting pretty busy with the podcasting you know trying to build up a presence

on twitter and stuff just definitely trying to push this stuff and of course listening to the church of what's happening now and all the other podcasts out there you listen to it like this is your life little man I really got a lot of respect for you I really do I thought by now you fizzle out me the girlfriend suck some titties and tap out you're still here with us you don't give a fuck this is your world brother well thank you and it's in its mutual like all these podcasts I've listened to of like they've made a huge difference in my life in the whole positive energy and thinking in that way and you know I can't not listen at this point good for you man and what grade are you in I'm in grade nine wow and how's school going it's going pretty good trying to catch up on the work and

you know building up a larger peer group and you know trying to get them involved with the whole death squad and podcasting scene and it's it's coming along slowly now does your friends at school know what you do and they encourage you or yeah I spend most of my life I always tell people I spend most of my life answering the question what's a podcast but once they get it down and I explain it they support it and they see some of my videos you know but they aren't really as involved as everybody out there on twitter but do you have any girls at your school that know what you're doing they think you're a fucking little savage you could say that okay that's what I thought girls like what you do and I mean you're a good looking kid and stuff what type of grades you get uh they're

all right better than last year I'm getting you know a's and b's for the most part and your house is together your dad's a police officer correct yeah he is and people always ask me by the way people always say oh you know it must be so hard living with your dad as a police officer you can't do anything I don't I don't do you know legal stuff and all that but my dad isn't any more strict than any other dads you know he likes what you're doing yeah my parents actually listen to the podcast sometimes and they like the episode I did with you the first episode there okay so I forgot who I was on the phone with I started cursing saying shit but uh it is amazing now what do you want to go with all this well my goal is actually to be on some kind of syndicated program be it radio

like on serious radio or something like that or a television program like a where I interview people not like a typical talk show but something like that and be able to make a living doing something I love and modeling after the people that have inspired me to do it now uh you want to go to college correct yeah I want to go to college for broadcasting or something like that what schools have you thought about um I haven't really thought about many I we're just getting ready for high school because out here in Canada high school starts in the 10th grade in the 9th grade still middle school so since we're talking about high school now we're also talking about colleges uh there's actually this one it's a school for the digital arts downtown uh they let me have a tour

but I was too young last year so next year I'll be able to go but it looks like there's a lot of cool stuff so ninth so what you do in Canada is 10th grade 11th grade 12th grade you graduate yeah okay so uh like for us we go to four years of high school you only go to three okay that simplifies no no brother I read your tweets uh I read your tweets I read your Facebook stuff I've listened to the podcast I listen to Eddie's you know I listen to you had somebody else on there after that I can't remember who it was and I listened to it one day on a flight you're very interesting and uh I admire you man I wish I had the smarts to do what you're doing at that age I really I mean there's a lot of people we could put on the podcast and stuff

but I really wanted to get you out there because you inspire the fuck out of me oh great thank you so much it's like mutual now it's an honor that I can inspire the person that inspired me to do this in the first place along with everybody else in death squad yeah I'm 14 like I was telling me earlier I love you listen I was at the teddies and you know sucking teddies behind girls grammar school and fingers I haven't lost interest in that you what I there's no loss of interest in that area okay no no I know you're a little pimp too but uh you're a little pimp but it's so weird how I could never uh see a 14 year old having the discipline that you have and uh just the balls to reach out to say hey do my podcast cocksucker and uh I really enjoyed it like I had

a good time talking to you I love kids I love uh you know I I I shoot myself for that because I wish I was doing this at 14 or doing something in the entertainment field and I had no idea it was what I liked man so I'm really proud of you I know Lee and I have talked about you a few times uh keep doing what you're doing man thank you so much I will and thank you guys so much for having me on too and uh you know I love to get like I don't know anybody but if I did like if I ever bumped into Brad Pitt or some I'd tell him you better fucking do the reporting kids podcast cocksucker or oh I'm gonna stab you in the neck and shit what do you got planned for us what's the next what's what's this year what else are you doing are you ever coming to the states to visit us I mean

I'd really love to go down to the states yeah and do some podcasting but um really what I have planned now I might be doing something with uh I'm gonna be doing something with the trailer park boys or just bubbles coming up pretty soon um probably in March I got Craig gas lined up um working on Gene Simmons hopefully and uh hopefully eventually Joe Rogan but other than that just booking any you know any cool guests and spur the moment stuff and Gene Simmons what have you gotten so far from Gene Simmons well I called his uh publicist's office because he has a new publicist now and I called her and she seemed kind of interested I said an email so I'm gonna wait for her reply but anybody listening tweet Gene Simmons saying do creatures of the net

creatures of the net that's the one and what are you gonna talk to them about on there basically uh how about his daughter why don't you get his daughter on the podcast to start off with yeah that sounds like fun I actually uh we were tweeting back and forth she she wanted people to photoshop something for her and I did and we were just tweeting about that so I think I could probably get her on there yeah that would be great she's a sharp kid I watched the show I watched the show at the uh Toronto concert there did you really yeah she she she looks good in person let me tell you that oh bro you're preaching to the choir I've always thought that Sophie's gonna be a fucking savage when she gets older yeah and she's got her dad's mind so she's gonna be one of those

crazy ass fucking Jews I mean he's a crazy ass Jew from Long Island you want me to tell you something man I saw a kiss when I was a little little kid not even know I was seeing him you know I never told that story I have a crazy cousin uh Al Cuello he's a fucking crazy cousin but in the 60s you know in 68 69 he was like an uncle to me he watched me a lot and he took me to see them rehearse one day because he knew one of them or something and I didn't know his fucking kissing years later I'm like I haven't seen Al in about 10 years not since his brother or his son robbed the fucking guy at the at the hotel next to the comedy store but uh he told me we talked about like what's that fucking kiss and he goes the girl I was dating her uncle something would kiss so I

seen kiss when I was a kid I didn't even know it was fucking them I don't even know what year it was or whatever but uh yeah and you know like I said one of my best friends growing up was a big time kiss fan and he died and we buried him with all the kiss albums and all the kiss stuff he had in his room so uh but man I love what you do brother I really love what you do and uh seriously I don't pat know me in the back like this you are a bad motherfucker fuck Brad Pitt and fuck Adam Corolla and all these punk ass bitches you my friend at 14 I give you a lot of credit so uh if anybody's listening what are the names of your podcast brother that reporter kid speaks is where I have like comedians and stuff and the kiss podcast is creatures of the net okay has Brody done your

podcast or Bert Kreischer any of those guys yep I was talking to uh Bert about it but I yeah I had Brody on episode 19 okay I'm gonna go listen to that one and I'll talk to Bert on Thursday listen man you need anything you let me know and I'll call into the podcast whenever you need pretty soon all right great thank you so much you hit me up you hit me up for one of the months and I said I couldn't do it that month you've always been I'm telling you you're a sharp motherfucker so uh listen to the reporter kid out there cocksucker he's the future thank you guys thank you cashers have a good week at school with the bitches all right all right and wear condoms all right bye bye buddy fucking great kid just inspires the shit out of me just amazing that

a kid at that age has a discipline yeah do what most fucking adults can't fucking do so you were looking for inspiration on a Monday there it is um I was gonna tell him not to go to college but by the time he gets there he'll have like what five years of part of experience that's all people want his experience he could get out of there without going to college but he's that kid's gonna be a star before he gets out of high school yeah he's gonna interview somebody or something somebody and that's what he wants to do is my hey listen at 14 nobody knows what the fuck they want to do you give the same stupid answer it will be a fireman I want to be a football man I want to get the fuck out of here nobody wants to be a plumber cocksucker and that's it that's all we

got for you today again if you're starting that exercise routine or your mind or you just want to start getting into shape go to annick.com today buy the the three pack get some protein get some immune for the winter time and get some strong bone if you want to run around or jump up and down go to annick.com press church in the box in the corner and get your percentage off also like I said listen it's fucking Thursday people you only got so much time half a year and getting paid till then go over to cherries berries go to cherries berries tell them joey sent you go up to the right hand box there's a little microphone and you're gonna see you're gonna put in what are you gonna put in happening cocksucker pay pay attention these all started 1995 it's a great little gift

they're sexy you can put a little you'll put a strawberry chocolate a little pussy and lick it you just machine gun it with your finger and finger bang that little muffler with your fucking pinky it's a party she'll never call anybody else for that and beside that that's it brothers I love you guys I have a great week and we will talk to you on Wednesday also some dates for you what are they February 27th I'm at the motherfucking ice house February 28th till March 2nd I'm at the bray improv call for tickets today what's the what's the song you got for us today the one I picked out was uh I want to rock them all night with my kids because let's do it all right let's do it for Cassius Morris

oh you