Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 02/13/2013 - The Church of What's Happening Now #55

Episode Date: February 14, 2013

Rocco Urbisci calls in. He directed 10 George Carlin specials, not to mention specials for Pryor and Lilly Tomlin, to name a few. Ari Shaffir also calls in this morning. Check out his new special on Chill.com. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Sharis Berries. Go to Berries.com and use Promo code Happening to get special deals as low as $19.95. Streamed live on 02/13/2013

Hey Lee, oh shit. Say some words, Lee. Alright, here we go. Fuck, we don't know what the hell's going on. The sound. I give Lee a hit of some fucking wax and a little bit of me falls apart. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Wednesday, what is it today? The 13th of February, a day before Valentine's Day. If you're broke, you can't get no pussy because you're 24 hours away, you know what I'm saying? I've been there. I know when it's like to be broke on Valentine's Day, you gotta steal a purse, you gotta hit somebody in the head with a rock, but fuck it, it's hard today. Hit it, Lee. Let me see a little wiggle for Papa. Let me see a little genie. Got a little genie like this, look. Touch your hands like

this little genie like you're walking there. Oh shit. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. The church of what's happening now. Joey Diaz, his main man, Lisa Yat, aka the flying fucking Jew of love. I hear you. What's happening, brother? Not much. I feel great, man. I'm happy to be here. You were moping around this morning. Somebody took your fucking yarmulke. You're telling me you're tired. You ain't got time to be tired, though. I haven't slept the past two nights and I'm fucking running. I don't know, man. Excuse me. I just got some Lee Burp before.

I didn't burp, though, it was you. I could smell it all the way over here. It smelled like bacon and dead fucking shoes combined. What'd you eat? A fucking homeless fucking. I haven't eaten for a few hours. What was the last thing you ate? I had a ham sandwich at work. It was any good? Did you eat yourself? No. You bought it out of the machine? No, there's no machine. I got it from Subway. Subway. A ham sandwich. Made out of fake fucking turkey.

This is what I'm talking about. You're slipping, though. That's what happened. That's what happened to the sound. You ate a Subway sandwich. You're going down. That's the sound. The Subway sandwich. It never really did with the sound. It's a beautiful day to be a live LA resident. You can rest. The black cop is dead. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Jesus. What a fucking nightmare that was. They interrupted my Maury Povich. They interrupted fucking everything to say this guy was in the hut. He lived on fire. I don't think they fucking

realized him. It was weird, but who gives a fuck how they're gonna do with us? Yeah. Who are they gonna do? I feel sorry for the families. I feel sorry for the fucking couple he shot in the beginning of the young girl and the young guy that was getting married and nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with it on a Super Bowl Sunday. He fucking shot him gangland style in that fucking car. So, you know, the guy's no fucking innocent. People don't forget that, that the guy's no innocent, whatever. You don't kill somebody because you're mad at some guy. What? Things happen. He's captured. He's dead. What happened?

No, no, it was just saying LAPD was really creepy about it. They're fucking burning down the house. They didn't want this guy to talk at all. No, no. Dead men don't tell tales. Always remember that, people. Dead men don't tell tales. That's the lesson of the fucking day today. You understand me? So, and I know he got a tail to tell, so. Oh, yeah. He definitely did. Dead men don't tell tales. That's the number one. So if you're gonna fucking get to an argument, somebody might as well kill him and nobody will find out what the fuck you're

talking about. It's like when Finney died. When Finney died, I was very sad, but at the same time, I was happy. Why? About five minutes because Finney seemed to me do some creepy fucking shit. He seemed to me jerk off the fingers of my ass. He did blow with me. Well, now you're just telling everybody. Now you're just telling everybody. What are you gonna do? But what are you gonna do? He goes on 60 minutes. What happened is one day fucking cats could

just talk. This motherfucker went on 60 minutes sweating up bullets and shit like that. I think you need to put whatever is in that joint down. I hear you. It's Wednesday fucking morning. Lee Lee Leland. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Listen, whatever the fuck's going on in your life. Get out there. Get out there. The fucking sun shining. It's a little cold. So what penguins are out there? Get out there. Don't talk to me about. Let me tell you what happened to me this fucking week. Let me tell you how my years better. But Monday, I said, fuck it. I just can't sit here. It was the last day of the antibiotics. I said, I'm going to go with a kickboxing. I go with a kickboxing.

I'm having what happens is when you have this ear infection, you have any type of infection and it kicks in like, what's that shit where you get dizzy? I forget what it's called. Bagel, whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, my mom has it. It's a movie from Alfred Hitchcock. Vertigo. Vertigo, yeah. Vertigo. You get like this little vertigo. But the other thing you get is that all the sounds sound far away. Like I have 3D hearing the last week. Well, it's because there's some liquid in your ear and that and it gets out of sync. So it's probably right. It's fucking terrible. So I went to kickboxing Monday night and I'm in there flying through the fucking air and that's okay. You know, I'm having a hard time because I hadn't been for a week. I couldn't breathe.

And I'm getting it together and they match me up with this fucking kid who forgot to put deodorant on. Oh, yeah. He was so fucking I don't know from what Asian country he was from, but it smelled like fucking goat. I swear to God, every time he threw a punch at me, I got the whiff of the fucking armpit and it was just horrendously bad. And then yesterday morning, I said, let me go at 10 in the morning because that Monday night, what I was going to do is I was going to go in the morning and see how it felt and then go to the doctor. I was going to go to Acupuncture anyway at 130. So if I go at 10, I get dizzy. I'm just going to go right to Toluca Lake Medical Center there. They have SAG, Screen Actors Guild. So I went over there at 10

yesterday. Again, they put me up with a kid at 10 in the morning. This kid was raw. He was black and he forgot to put deodorant on. And every time, I mean, I got armpit, I got black t-shirt, and I got bad breath on every fucking like it was a nightmare. I'm surprised you didn't say anything. You know what, man? He seems like a nice kid. I was embarrassed. It would embarrass me how to say something to somebody. You smell like a fucking goat, you know, because it's not my job. I mean, all you can do is bare with it and pray for the motherfucker. But let me explain some to you. Guys, if you're one of these guys that thinks it's cute to leave the house without showering and shit, put deodorant on the morning. Nobody needs to smell that shit. Nobody needs to

smell that debt that you have on your breath and on your fucking armpit. And for you ladies, who I see at Starbucks with the fucking thing on your head that you haven't washed your fucking hair in your pussy that morning, get your shit together. Cleanliness is next to godliness. You understand me? If you don't wash that pussy, you're going to go to hell. If you don't wash those balls or wash yourself or put deodorant on or listerine, you're gonna fuck. And I got bad breath. We all fucking do in the morning. You got to do the best you can to fight. I listerine and I drink coffee. I brush my teeth in the shower. I brush my teeth afterward. But I put deodorant on. I wash my balls. I put powder. Lee, you know, so Lee's a clean fucking dude. He's a swinger. I try to be.

You got to be. You got to fucking be hocking. You go like that, live your life with that armpit fucking onion coming out of your, it just, it's always driven me fucking crazily. It's terrible. And when I used to wrestle kids, you couldn't really shower before practice. You have to run from the end of school right to practice. And there were some kids who just, I mean, it's understandable. But after a full day of school, it's like going to jujitsu. You put that rotten ass on my face. I would have a fucking heart attack. Or if I had to smell a dirty toe, I would have a fucking heart attack because I don't need that shit in my life. I would always go to those things and shower. I would make time or figure it out where I could at least be showered

to give my fucking guy I'm training with the respect that he deserves. You know, you got to give fucking respect before you get respect. Yeah. Actually, people never understood. I always understood. You got to let people know you're in their fucking corner anyway. Besides that, let me see what else is going on. You got Donna, you got the fucking thing. You got I'm gonna be 50 on Tuesday Lee. God damn, I outlived Whitney Houston. How what do you think about because you said before you didn't think you were gonna hit 25 or come on fucking Lee, you know, if you think I was gonna hit any of this shit in my heart that you thought, I mean, you're crazy. Yeah, you're fucking crazy. I never even dreamed of 50.

I mean, it's shocking. It's amazing that God does have a sense of humor and life has a sense of humor because I didn't expect any of these things the last two years, the CD going number one. I just, you know, the wife and having a baby. I thought that fucking ship and sail. You know, I was, I was driving over here and I was at the light over on Laurel Canyon. I was thinking about my wife, like why women get pregnant. You know, Joe Rogan first got his wife pregnant. Okay. And then you're talking about a guy, Eddie Bravo, who I love dealing. He's like a brother to me and I love his wife. But this Eddie Bravo guy was never going to have a steady girlfriend or get married. He was crazy. Yeah. Not only did he meet the girl of his dreams and marry her, but then they had a

fucking kid. And then my friend Damon, who used to do the Joy Karate videos. Okay. With me. I've known Damon, you know, since Jesus, since I worked on scare tactics with him. His wife was had a baby also. Dom, like big motherfucking kid. I'm a gigantic fucking baby. Looks like a small man. So it was just, it was sad that I would go to their homes and see them pregnant. And I would see my wife as the odd woman out. You know, it's gotta be paying for four women to sit there with three women or two women that have kids or other women that have kids and he or your 40s or no kids. It was killing. Yeah, it kills everyone. Women are made to bear fucking children. They don't know it. They'll keep saying that. And the ones you meet that say, I hate children. Those are the ones that

are going to fucking bear 19 of them once they have just like me. I hate the children because I knew once they're around me, I love them. When a child, when a child's around me, bro, I want to give them, I want to make them feel how people made me feel when I was a kid. Because before my mother died at that bar, I was the fucking king, you know? And one thing about, I tell stories about my mother smoking dope and drinking. But one thing my mother did was she instilled the heavy duty fucking confidence. Did you see, did you happen to see that the show on UFC about Ronda Rousey the first time? I did see that with her father. With her father dying. Did you see what she said in the middle that her father gave her a lot of confidence? He would

always say she was going to be the sleeper and that's big when you're a parent. When you're a parent, you have to tell your fucking kid they're going to be president. You have to tell your kid they got the biggest dick in the class. You have to tell your kids these things. You have to because they're not going to walk around. It's not the time spent with them. You got to let them know. And I tell you, that's one thing that my mother had a quality that she would say, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. Are you going to do great? I would tell my mom something. And after a while, she's, she always instilled confidence in me, but it's so big as a parent to tell your fucking kid or your wife or your friends, because I'm the most insta fucking

pure guy in the world. After we do a podcast, I ask you how it went. When I do stand up, I drive home depressed, even if fucking people laugh, you know, I'm as insecure as they come, but it's amazing how you have to take your children and the people around them and tell them, man, you're a fucking savage. You really are. And not Lido. I don't believe in lying as fucking somebody, but if a guy that's a hundred pounds overweight is next to you at the fucking gym, going pound for pound when you jump in Jackson, they take some break off or so. I always applaud those fucking guys. This is a gym, Gold's Gym in Hollywood. Do you know where it is on Gower? Gower and what? It's in that area, not Gower, but it's around that area,

Western Gower, whatever the fuck it is. The real crazy thing about that gym is a friend of mine, when I was like 500 pounds, gave me a free subscription and she worked there. She was the beginning of that. She moved to New York. She's a comic and one day she used to work there and she came to me. She goes, Joey, you know, you could come in there and work out whatever you want. I'll cover you. It's well known that it's a fucking full blown Gold's Gym, but it's gay. Oh, if it didn't last Hollywood. Right. It's really fucking gay. But let me tell you something about that gym. And besides, I went there a couple of times and then she gave me like a three month subscription and I went every day for a while. I didn't know what I was doing,

but those gay guys, I mean, the whole three and 90 days I went, yeah, it was two or three creepy fucking gay guys in there that came over and tried to touch you like, well, you know, let me help you do this. But for the most part, brother, gay guys would come over and go, Hey, I don't know what your name is. I appreciate that you're in here. If you need anything, or if you're having a hard time, yell and we'll come over and help you out. Oh, nice. That's really nice. That's somebody would say something like that. That's why when I make gay jokes or facts, I don't mean this shit. I know that just human beings and they do what the fuck they do. It's just an easy fucking target for momos like me to make fun of fucking gay guys, but I don't really mean it in my

heart. But did you know that, man? I mean, you know the gym on Santa Monica, after La Cienega on the other side, as you're going west into the ocean. Yeah. That there's a gym there. That fucking gym there is completely gay, but they have like a milkshake stand there. Oh my fucking God. Oh, what are you laughing about? A milkshake stand. They'll whack off in the milk. Let me tell you this fucking milkshakes in there. They make like Metarex protein shakes and all bananas and chocolate banana shake that will make your ass alternate gay. Like it's so good. You'll say, you know, somebody please put a fucking cock in my ass. This is can't get no better than this. I swear. It's just hard to park there. Oh, it's impossible.

It's impossible to park there. But 20 years ago, 10 years ago when I moved to Hollywood, I had auditions and I'd see, I'd go in there and I'd always fucking get myself a little chocolate banana protein shake. Fucking delicious. Delicious. And there's a hamburger stand down the corner. They fry the hamburgers fucking up down here. They call it Boys Town. I don't give a fuck. I don't call it that. I call it Santa Monica. When I go down there, I don't even know what it's excuse me. This Diet Pepsi gives you burps. It's by La Seneca. Whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, I mean, there's a, I mean, you make fun of gay people, but it's not like you don't make fun of everyone. I don't make fun again. Listen, I got the two transvestites across the street from

I got along with them. Transvestite. Transsexuals. You never seen them across the street from my house? Maybe I haven't. They're both burly. She's always wears like he always wears like whatever he has long hair. He's ready for action at any time. He's ready to put a wig on at any time. I talk to them every fucking day. I talk to them every day and I even tell them go suck a cock. You know, they giggle at me because they came by the other day and they go, we got two printers. You want to buy one? The fuck you people got two of everything. They had two cameras last month. I mean, that she's not working. Somebody's not working in the house. So I know they're having a hard time. Somebody got the same old and somebody's not

working, but they're two of the coolest fucking dudes in the world. I think she did the half of surgery. She's got the tits and no pussy and he's doesn't have the surgery. That's the one. Sorry for making the noise, but yeah, that's the one that freaks me out. No, I should have freaked you out. They decided one day they don't want a fucking cock no more. They don't want a sling dick no more. Anything wrong with that cocksucker? It's Wednesday, motherfucker. February 13th the day before Valentine's Day. Let me tell you, motherfucker, something. This is the last time I tell you this because I hate talking about this shit. Let me explain some to you. Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. You live all year. You got a girl from the state. You started dating her a

month ago, six weeks ago, whatever. I tell you what, when I was young, I would date these girls and sometimes I'd get them some of Valentine's Day something I wouldn't. You know what? What's it going to cost you? What's it going to cost you to make a good impression? Okay, tomorrow, today, right now, right fucking now. What are you making noises for? Like that fucking motorcycle. What? You made like a fucking motorcycle. Go to Cherry's Berries. That's where you go, right? Here's where you go. You're going to do this. You call 866 fruit, zero, two. Okay, but even better, fuck all that shit. Don't even pick up your phone. You might be on the phone with your bitches right now. Go to berries.com. And here's how you spell berries because a lot of you are

fucking retarded. B-E-R-R-I-E-S. Berries, all right? Dot com. Go over there. Look at this half dozen cherries. That's the one I sent yesterday. I sent everybody a half dozen for that. Not you, cocksucker. Oh, come on, man. You don't need no cherries. You need a black cock dipped in white chocolate. You like that, cocksucker. That's what I'm going to send some freak out now. Anyway, yeah, you click on the fucking microphone. Happening. How do you spell happening, Link? H-A-P-P-E-N-I-N-G. This guy's a college fucking graduate. You know why I'm scared. Go to berries.com. Click on the microphone. Type in Happening. The offer ends today, Wednesday. I don't know what it is. Just get six fucking chocolate covered strawberries. Send it to the chick. What's it going to cost you?

You eat two of them. She eats three of them. You take the other one. You stick it up her ass. Oh, are you eating a fucking pussy? And it gets nice and glazed and you pop that white chocolate with that pussy juice on it. What would you do, Link? What would you do if you ate a little piece of fucking strawberry covered with white chocolate? Oh, I can fucking would just spin around like a helicopter. You know what I'm saying? Go to berries.com. One of the fucking berries. Something else. It's February 15th or whatever the hell fuck it is. My flu is gone. I had one in my ear, but then I got sick on the plane. I'm telling you what, my wife, I have a neighbor next door. I gave him because I have like little fucking people I make case studies on. My name,

sure. You never know. Did I tell you I gave the fucking stewardess on the way out? I was eating pretzels, those TAC pretzels that are strong. You didn't give a stewardess? Yes, I fucking knew. She ate three of them when I was going to say something to her. So on the way back from whatever. But I'm also scared because she's my failed drug test. And then she got no job. That I feel bad about. I had three pretzels and she goes, where'd you get those from? Is that those aren't pretzels? I go, no, these are better. She goes, can I taste it? I wasn't gonna tell her no. They got THC in them. This bitch ate one and she goes, they're pretty good and they're vegan. Those anti Dolores pretzels. Okay, they're delicious. And they're fucking stronger than

that. Yeah, we're gonna bag out 10 o'clock. They're so fucking I'm gonna have to search the news now for flight attendants fucking passing out. Fuck those shitty pretzels. She's eating those shitty fucking pretzels. What am I gonna do? I gotta eat the good shit I got. You know what I'm saying? Let's turn up the smoke some reefer. I'm smoking this vapor pen here. It's a different one than the usual. This was given to me by my boys up there. Ziggy's 209. They gave me that you put the fucking wax in this shit. People hate it because it fucks up your lungs. We got legal substances in this motherfucker here today, Lee. Oh shit. But before we talked about the stewardess you were talking about on it. This is why I love you because not only are you the flying Jew, you're the Jew

that pays attention. The guy next door said he feels better since I gave him the shroom tech and that he's been doing the alpha brain. You know, listen, when I first started doing blow, when I was 15 or 14, for the first year I didn't get off. But in those days the cocaine was marketing was done to make you feel like a better human being. The marketing that was done, listen, every drug in the fucking 70s, listen, a nickel bag cost five dollars. Heroin cost seven dollars. Acid cost four dollars. You know what cocaine cost? A hundred dollars a gram. Jesus. You know why they, and the marketing was genius. The marketing was fucking genius because what they made you do was feel like a better person. It wasn't the high. Nobody said to you the cocaine high because

you sniffled and put you in a different class of people. That's what cocaine did. That's what the hundred dollar bill did for one hour. You became a movie star. Have you watched the movie blow? They said it's accepted by rock stars and athletes. That's what they wanted because in the back of your mind that's what it made you feel like. You're important. You go to a club and chicks would come out snorting and people would look at them like, oh my god, they're so special. It was crazy. It was fucking crazy and it's very hard to explain. The greatest marketing skill of all time was to convince this country that cocaine was worth a hundred dollars for a gram of coke. You know what a gram looks like. You have any fucking idea? It must be small. Millions. People

made millions on that shit. But my point is that I didn't get off on it. The first year I was doing all these crimes, me and Diddy Contarone doing this and this, and I didn't fucking get off on it. And one day I started drinking alcohol with it and I started getting off on it. I still get fucking tweets sometimes, hey man, I bought the alpha brain. It didn't do anything. It's not going to work for everybody. That's why it comes in a small dosage first. You can even buy it in singulars. Try it for 20 days or whatever. If you don't like it, send it back to Joe Rogan. He'll send you whatever the fuck you want back, a barbell, a fucking head. He'll send you something. So please don't hit me back like I'm the fucking bad guy here. Not everything works on certain people

but at least you try it. There's something from honest that's going to work for you. You know what? I stopped taking the alpha brain. I take it in groups but I opened up a new fucking protein this morning. Lee, wait till you taste the chocolate protein. You're going to go, Joey, this isn't a protein shake. This is like a sweet. No, this is a fucking protein shake. What I do is I stand a protein powder for like 30 days and I switch it. I have two or three different types of protein. People send me shit. They want me to try shit. I got to give them the benefit of the doubt if somebody sends me a protein powder or they send me a vitamin or something. I try them because why not? You don't know what's going to work for you.

Please, people, honest is one of the best fucking products I've used. Go to honest.com, get the shroom tech immune, get the fucking head protein powder and get the strong one. You jump up and down. Lee, you got to swing by and pick up the shit. I saw you yesterday. You put fuck, but you didn't come by the house. We meant to get coffee. So go, go buy on it. Go to honest.com, get the head protein. Try it. Get the smaller size. Get the fucking on it. Immune and get yourself the strong bone. You go jump up and down your feet. I guarantee your feet don't hurt. That's it. We're going to leave it right there, Lee. Lee, what's the music, cocksucker? You don't play it on music for your uncle Joey. Where's the reefer? You got it hitting like, you know,

little AC DC. What's next to the motherfucking moon with bonds? God all power range. It's a tremendous jam, Lee. A lot of people don't know about this. Can and bark down the line. Oh shit. You going to get some of this, Lee? Is there, is there any left or is it your tiny little road? It's a big number for you. And you've been wishing he was humming bad. Dream about Kasey Jones. Oh shit. Little AC DC power rage before highway to fucking hell. I'm going to tell you something. They're doing a movie about bonds, God finally. A lot of your motherfuckers don't know the power and the pizzazz. I seen AC DC opening up for fucking Ted Nugent, the guard August 4th, 1970. Here we go.

Superman was out of town. Superman was out of town. Who fucking writes like that? London roses. I remember back, sorry. No, this is fucking AC DC. This is AC DC. This is power rage. The fifth album out of Australia. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's a suicide. Oh shit. It's in love. Well, I won't. What else? Well, you're sitting there with the fucking beard. You're looking like the guy from science though. You're stoned. You're not stoned. What do you got going on? Which guy from science though? I don't know. A little fucking Jewish guy. Oh George. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up. Get out there. It's a day before Valentine's Day. I was thinking about 85 when I lived alone for fucking the whole year. It was the year before

I was getting ready to come to Colorado. I remember being by myself. I was fucking alone for Valentine's Day a lot, Jack. Fucking a lot. I'm an ugly dude. A lot. I only have like, if I'm 50 next week, I probably had like, you know, beside my wife. You know, because nobody wants to be alone on Valentine's Day. No. Fuckin, you're alone on Valentine's Day. We got this little bro in here staying really. Gotta rub that helmet on her face when she's sleeping. She's my friend. She's completely, we're all friends. But a little so called a mink never had nobody. But you gotta wake her up. Put that little dick in her face and just rub that little, little Jew Yama kind of face and she'll wake up. What's this? You know, this cocksucker. I don't think this is what most people

want on Valentine's Day. But who knows? Listen, what would you rather do? Be lonely or wake up to somebody rubbing your face with a cock? Be lonely. I'm not saying like, if you were sleeping on the couch right now and some chicken hall then put a window, rub that monkey on your face. Well, that's different. Even if she weighed 482 pounds, you'd suck that fucking monkey in tapping just because it's Valentine's Day. You know what I'm saying? Well, that's a romantic in Vienna. I don't think girls think the same way. Well, you can buy a chocolate later on. Later on, you go over there like Cupid dressed up with a diaper and a fucking bandana and you give us some chocolate. Okay. Nobody wants to be alone on Valentine's Day, but it's not the

end of the fucking world. This is what I'm trying to say to people. Go to a movie, entertain yourself. Next year you'll have a Valentine's. Trust me. You can't be fucking single for the rest of your life. You know, when I was a kid, I always wanted to die like Charles Bronson. Good fucking luck. Who wants to die alone? You know what I'm saying? No. Nobody wants to die alone. I like these people. I want to be single. Yeah, good fucking luck, my friend. There's nothing like talking to somebody in conversation. This is not all about fucking all the time, but I talk to some people nice and I love talking to my wife, but even though I like talking to her sometimes, sometimes. Not all the fucking times. Did you do the trick when you were young that you would break up with girls right

before Valentine's Day or Christmas? No. No, you didn't do that? What am I, some fucking puke? You know, I was lucky to have a date. If somebody was willing to look at my dick, I'd do anything. You know what I'm saying? If somebody's looking to look at your dick, you do the fucking thing. Let's give some shout outs to some bad motherfuckers out there. My main man, the podcast pit always out there. My man, Todd, Extreme Pain, Just James, 20cc, JD Souther, Raider Dave, Derek Sprawl, Duff, Sam Meeker, and my man, James Kenham Moore. I love you cocksuckers. Let me tell you what happened to me the other night, Lee, because I love when this happens. That's why I love the fucking computer. I love when I'm at home at night and I'm writing, when I'm returning emails

and I take 30 minutes, after like 45 minutes, I know to get off the computer. Okay. Because it's the law of diminishing returns. You're not gonna, for me, for some people, they might last an hour and a half writing material. If I see myself for an hour and I've written two things on a fucking piece of paper for comedy, it's time to get up and do something else. It's not gonna happen. I sweat it out sometimes because I know that if you read the art of war, not the war of art, yeah, the war of art, there's two different ones. It tells you that you always have to not give up. You got to hang when you're writing, you got to stick it out in there, because the last five minutes was when you'll get three or four jokes. So, I don't know, I get fucking bored, you know me, and I click on

to YouTube. And for some reason, I click on to Guns N' Roses, Live From the Ritz, don't click on to it yet, 88. And I put this as full console. Remember, when we were looking for it this morning, this is full console. And I put the full console on, I put my earphones on, I smoked some fucking half a number and I got something to drink and I came back and I put, you know, did what I did, I'm sorry to say it backwards, I'm like, I fucking at least stop getting behind the fucking console, you're bad influence. I'm gonna call the Jewish Anti-Trust League. And I started listening to this concert and watching it. You know, I ain't gonna lie to you people, I'm a big motherfucking fan of the song Remains and Sam, I'm a big motherfucking live fan

of Pink Floyd Live at Pompeii. There's some live shit you could just never duplicate, you could never, I'm a big fan of Unleashed in East by Judas Priest, it's brilliant. Nobody puts a live fucking album out today, nobody, because it's tough, it's tough to maintain that shit. Let me tell you something guys, if you, and when I put it on the other night, when I put on Sweet Child of Mine and put it on Twitter, I don't know what time it was, I got 50, 60 people responding to me with different responses and all of them were correct, but everybody gave the most, the majority responses I got was people saying that it was a brilliant concert because it was good and bad at the same time. Fucking, click onto Sweet Child of Mine, this guitar, you've seen the video,

now it's pretty tough to sound like this live, listen to this shit. That's amazing, are you watching the link? Yeah, what's bad about this? It was so dirty and it's so, we'll continue this later. It's my main man, answer that. Good morning. Oh shit, it's the man. How are you my friend? Have a cup of coffee talking to you, I'm good. Thank you very much for calling in for people, don't know, this is the man, Mr. Rock or PC. Rocko, give him a little bit of your background and look at Lisa, the flying Jew is sweating already because he can't wait to talk to you, Rocko, so give us a little background there. Oh, I don't know,

let's see, my career started with actually Music Show called a midnight special and which you had everybody on there? Oh yeah, we had everybody, it's you know, Marvin Gaye, we toured with Dylan's Rolling Thunder Review, we did Bowie in London with Ziggy Stardust. You had Errol Smith on there? I'm sorry? You had Errol Smith on there? Everybody. Everybody? Well, the only bands that wouldn't, they wouldn't do it were the Grateful Dead, the Stones, Steven's of course, and Zeppelin, but we pretty much got, and the other one I was sorry we never got was Catch Steven's, in fact I went to meet him over there in the records, I thought maybe we're going to give him a new show and he waved me into his office

and he had me sit down and he played his favorite duet and that was Marvin Gaye and Danny Turrell's Rolling Thunder. Yeah, he was a real R&B fan and then that show, of course, I met Pryor and Carlin. Oh, see, Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin and then when I left midnight, I approached Richard into the TV series and he did a special and we did that short run NBC series that he quit over controversy and that was kind of a snowball after that came FCPV and Lily Tomlin and my association with HBO and let's see, I did specials with Roseanne, Jimmy Foxx and of course Billy Crystal and of course my long fortunate run with George Carlin in which I produced and directed 10 of the last 10 HBO specials.

So that's it in the nutshell. You're a bad motherfucker, god damn, at least I had hit him up with some questions for this man. Hey, Rocco, I don't know if you know, but Joe, I first heard about you from Joey when you were on his last podcast and the first thing he told me to do was go watch JoJo Dancer, which is the Richard Pryor movie that you directed with him, Rodin directed with him and it just... Well, I didn't direct it, he directed it. Oh, he directed it. Yeah, we wrote the script and I got a phone call and he said, what are you doing? I said, I'm on the toilet, it's when every big shit comes up. Columbia and I write a movie together. Yeah, we went to Hanna and wrote that. We wrote that in Hanna. I told him to Hanna and we used to

meet every morning and by the time I came back with him, three weeks, we'd written about 160 some pages. Jesus. And for most people, a page is a minute for a movie, so 160 pages is a long movie, but it just blew my mind and I started working with Joey because I love comedy and just to... I have your IMDb page up, which I know probably isn't even full, but... Yeah, I never go there, so I don't know what's on there. Over 10 George Carlin specials and all the other movies and Robert Schimmel and it's... Yeah, Robert was a great comic, by the way. Great comic. It's just a great comic and a good friend of his passing is very, very hard to pick. And Gary Shandling and Joe Piscopo and it's just... Yeah, well, that was Shandling's first special

and his magic name was Brad Gray, of course, when I'm doing grossing, Gray and of course, now runs Paramount. I see Gary once in a while, I did it with him about three years ago. I haven't seen Gary Shandling, he's a brilliant writer and an incredible talent. He just doesn't come out of the cave. I don't know what... He's reluctant to do television again, which is kind of sad. Wow. And just for someone like me who's at the very beginning of his career, for people who don't understand and just because I don't fully know either, is there anyone else who even directed five of someone's specials or is that something that's even heard of and it doesn't seem like it should be? Well, in terms of... In Carl's, you have to factor in two things. First of all,

nobody does 15 specials anymore and he did 15 for HBO. I was forced to do less than 10. So in terms of me individually, I don't think there will be another guy that does 10 specials with one guy. I mean, or a woman. I just think that... I think Joey will agree to this. The Golden Age of stand-up started in the 80s when HBO was a network trying to find an identity and they went in the direction of comedy and stand-up comedy for several reasons. One, they weren't in the business to do scripted shows or had a budget or the foresight to do it because they were young and they were new. So what happened is they just started... They did Robert Klein, Eddie Izard. I mean, you look at the list of stand-up comedians, that was the Golden Age of stand-up

comedy. I think one year I directed a Kylan, a Billy Crystal and a Whoopi Goldberg all in one year and the reason that that was fun is because when you do a special, you get paid well and it's over and you have all these wonderful relationships. That's how I met Whoopi. That's how I went on their executive producer top show. So it was those relationships that were built during that era. Now I think what's happened and it's a little more difficult. Joey knows I'm working with two terrific girls and Crowley and Donnie are extremely talented, but the marketplace is loaded. It's hard to keep track of who is next and I think that era is over, much like the Golden Age of Rock and Roll was from the 60s to 70s. So everything has an evolution. I think we'll see something

or something of all or something that'll come through now because, and Joey knows this, my first love, I started out in the music business, my first love of stand-up comedy because anybody who can stand up in front of people and think they can make them laugh in every 10 or 15 seconds gotta be nuts. Absolutely. I love them. I love them. They're all crazy. Joey's crazy. They're all crazy. I got a question for you, Rock. When you're directing a special, what are you looking for from the comedian? And what is the comedian looking for from you? Well, my attitude about, I'll just take, I'll just take, I'll take any guy, but let's take George in particular. Before I did a special with George, I went on a road with him.

I saw the act that was 65 minutes or 70 minutes be reduced to the hour that H. B. O. required and then we went down to comedy and magic. So I put a lot of pre-work in there and the reason I did that is I wanted to know, I wanted to know the act as well as he did. And when I did the show, from a director's point of view, I only blocked the opening and the closing and the rest of the show, I just winged it. I went with George. I didn't direct George. George told me where to go. So I, I looked at his music, you know, we used to stage the Carlin Show, it's like rock and roll specials. We gave it size and big production because I think he, I think he deserved that. You know, he's an icon. He deserves to have the best.

So I just followed his lead. So from my point of view, it's all lyrical to me. You know, comedy, a comedy is jazz. It's, it's a, it's a form of jazz. It has a rhythm, tempo, that has its own, everybody has a different rhythm. You know, Rodney was boom, boom, boom, right? Richard had stories and he weaved stories in and out based on his life experiences or his, or his point of view. Everything George did was written word for word. Everything he said on stage was on the page and his genius was, you never knew that. You would watch him and you forget that everything he did on stage, every word was on the page. And he worked hard to the point where if he said, if the HBO said you want,

if they want a 5830, you could set your clock at 5830, that guy walked off stage. Now I don't know if it was his last special or not, but it was, he opened with, I think it might have been his last special. He opened with an amazing, like it was almost like a spoken word, like kind of almost poem or he, he was describing himself and it was just, I've never seen anything like that before. Was it his last special? Are you talking about Modern Man? Yes. The Modern Man was the second last special. Second the last special. Yeah, that's the, and the irony of that is that we always would discuss what the set would look like. And he, there's a famous graveyard. When you come in from New York and see it on the parkway,

you want to reproduce a graveyard. So first, and first Ryan and I came up with a, with a graveyard set and it turns out to be poetic, you know, second and last special. But Modern Man, I think is probably, maybe right now, when you, when you read it or listen to it, it's, it's just, it's as good as anything he's ever written. And he's very sick, by the way, that, that show he, we did the dress rehearsal. We always do the dress rehearsal on Friday, you know, we're videotaping in case, during the live show, something happened with the uplink and the satellite went down, they can always punch in the tape show from Friday. And after the Friday show, we were very concerned that he may not come out. He was very sick. But, you know, he was,

he was a warrior. You know, you, you have to love what you, you have to love what you do. You have to remember it's a job, but you have to love your job. And the ones that are successful love their job. There's no accidents. Nobody just makes it because, you know, you got to work at it. You have to, you have to really be dedicated to your art. And when you're around people, either blessed, I must say, I don't know why me, I've been very blessed. And I learned a great deal. You know, I went to school as a kid, and Richard Pryor, and my girlfriends are something very interesting. I say, you know, Marine, I'm very lucky. You know, Pryor and Carlin, she said,

Richard probably trusted you because you were young and innocent. And George trusted you because you weren't. Oh, I think that's true. But you're talking about modern man. Yeah. So that's pretty special. I'll tell you, Rocco, you're, you're a bad dude. Just just being around Pryor, just the education, even when I talk to your son, Jay, and he says he remembers Richard at his house or whatever, just being around that genius. I'll tell you a good story. Yeah, I'll tell you a good story. Remember, I was really young, I was like, what, 24? And that's all I am. Yeah. And I, by the way, by the way, you called me a nigger once in front of his friends. They didn't like that.

You know, it's like you call me a wop, you know, right? Yeah, it was, it was, it was very fun. Anyway, he invites me to his house for dinner. He calls me up and he said, and he always had this low voice. He, Rocco, it's Richie. What are you doing tonight? I said, I don't know, man, what's up? Have fun and no women. He said, oh my God, I'm married at the time. I think this is going to just be not a good idea. So go over there. I'm sitting at the table. There's eight of us. The only white guy there sitting two chairs down from me is Miles Davis. Doesn't say anything during the dinner. The other gentleman at the table is the great Oscar Peterson. During dinner, Miles says to Richie, hey, Rich, who's the cracker?

Well, that's the story that we spoke. But then we went to the room and, of course, Oscar Peterson played for about an hour and a half. Look, you know, we all have our stories of all. You know, Joe, you have yours. And if you spend, you know, I've been spending time with Richard Lewis. I've been working on a documentary with him and, you know, we spend once a week which is called The Hooker's Lounge, which is debarrel at the Four Seasons on Beverly Hills. It's about one o'clock. Somebody pretty shows up and sits at the bar. But I sit there and listen to Richard. And I didn't know that Richard Lewis is a big Buster Keaton fan. Buster Keaton and many Bruce Orr's inspirations. It's not cool to figure that. George Carlin had Lloyd Byron.

You know, he read Lloyd Byron and Oscar Wilde. I mean, they all have, everybody has an influence. You know, Richard was, came out of a jazz love. You know, if you listen, go back and watch Richard's routines. You know, he's doing Charlie Parker. You know, these guys, these guys, I tell Carlin down there all the time, if you want to really be, if you really want to be where you want to be, you have to appreciate the roots and the people who started this. You know, we forget that back in the cap skills, when they started all the stuff in the late 20s and 30s, there was no, there was no, there was no rules for comedy. You know, guys like Chaplin and Keaton, and they invented it. And then of course, you look talking about Burl and all those guys in the

Catskills. I mean, they invented this form. So I hope comedy keeps reinventing itself. And there's some really funny stuff on. You agree, Joey? Oh my God. This great guy is working. It's funny that I was, I always claim Richard for opening up my eyes to stand up. But the guy that really destroys me is Lenny Bruce. When I watch Lenny Bruce for hours, hours, I can watch that. Well, you know, listen, without Lenny Bruce, Lenny Bruce doesn't say fuck and get arrested. You know, we don't have this, this, this conversation. Somebody had a, somebody had a fall under grenade, right? Somebody had to take the hit for everybody. And that's why he's so revered and admired. And he did it. Yeah, George, anybody I've worked with, George, Richard,

named him Whoopee, all of them, they go back, they go back to Lenny. You know, he is Babe Bruce, he was Babe Bruce. And that, and that is the, and that's the person who opened the door for everybody. And I think that that's, you know, that's, that's easy to understand. And he paid a price. He paid a price. When I heard what is something I said, and the niggas crazy as a Cuban kid, you know, people have to understand where I was coming from. You follow me? I learned English, and I was trying to learn good English, Rocco. I'm trying to learn English, and I'm trying to fit in an Italian neighborhood in New York, and then in New Jersey in the early 70s. And I go to this Puerto Rican's house who's on heroin, and he's nodding. Rocco, he's fucking nodding, and I'm

playing basketball with his younger brother. And we go in his room and we're listening to the Beatles, and this junkie comes in and he goes, what the fuck are you guys listening to? I had to be maybe eight Rocco, maybe nine. And he puts on, is it something I said? And you know, the other one where Wino meets Dracula, and Wino meets the other guy at the railroad death pole. He knew Jesus. He told him not to go down there messing with them Jews without no money. The first time, Rocco, do you understand me? My fucking head almost exploded. When I hear the Wino meets Dracula, I played it on this fucking podcast because it is something that is so craziness and so absurd to me. But then, on the other hand, I hear the brilliance of, I don't know what the special I

put on by George Carlin because they're all on YouTube now. Well, because I think part of the thing that, I don't know, I think that makes the people who do this art, I think people forget that comics see things in a visual, they have a visual camera that constantly clicks. They see images, and they see situations, and they kind of absorb them, and they kind of turn them into a moment. I'll tell you, one of the funniest moments I ever experienced, Richard, it wasn't on TV. We're standing in hall at NBC, we're blocking. Remember the one on the page? Yes, she played on. Oh my god, she was hysterical. But she played, what's the famous one on the page? Honesta. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. She played Honesta, correct? Yeah, she also was,

she did some bits on prior. He loved her. Right, right, right. So we're on a break and we're powering Richard and we're setting the shots. Here comes Billy Barty. Now, if you didn't know who Billy Barty was, Joey Otero, Bill Barty. Today, he's called Little Person, but back there, back when they was called the midgets, right? So I see Billy Barty approaching us, and his Richard's back is to him. He touched on Richard's jacket, because he turns around, and Billy says, Hey, Richie, how are you doing? And Richard says, Hey, Billy, have you bumped into any good pussy lately? Now, that line I gave you was as fast as he'd deliver it. But look what he did in that in that two seconds, he saw a little person that was below his waist. And the very first thing he

says, not hello, how you doing? What you doing? He says, Hey, Billy, have you bumped into any good pussy lately? Now, that is not only funny in terms of the line, but look how visual that is. You see that joke. Hey, Rocco, I've been, I've been thinking about something as I've been listening to you talking. How important was it for you as a director and a writer or how even just working with them have? Can you talk about the relationship you had with it prior and Carlin? Because I work with, what Joey and I do is we did it yesterday for the first time in a couple of weeks as we met at a coffee shop. And it's, it's supposed to be talking about business, but we're talking about five minutes about business and then he spends 45 minutes joking around with me. But how much of

what you did was because of the, of the love you had for the people you worked with? Everything. And I think the other thing that I have learned, here's the one thing I learned from from Richard. I never, he never, he always encouraged open expression. He never wanted us to edit ourselves. I remember in a meeting, our first space, I don't want anybody to edit themselves in this room. Whatever you have to say, you have to say, whatever idea you come up with is great. And Jeffrey Carlin raised his hand and said, I have a, I have a sketch called Gunn to Darkie. And that was, you see, but that was embraced as funny. He wasn't, he wasn't offended by that. That was Jeffrey's way of saying, okay, if we're going to be that open, here's my idea.

Well, the minute somebody releases that, I'm going to hear that it releases that. Look what it does to the room. Look what it does to the atmosphere and the culture of what we're doing. People come in and say what they want. See, the great expression is freedom. You have to be able to communicate and to express yourself openly without fear or repercussion. You know, that's why sometimes you'll, you'll, if you're working with the right person who embraces that, then you're working with a person that really wants your participation. Nobody's tougher to work with than Lily Tomlin. Nobody. She's tough, but she's gracious. She wants you to be, she wants you to be open. She wants your participation. She wants your help. And the other thing you have to be

with talent is completely honest. They may not always want to hear what you have to say, but that's your point of view and you have to express it. You can't express it later. You're the worst kind of person that, well, I knew that wasn't going to work. You can't say that. You got to, you got to say it at the moment. I don't think this is right. I have a problem with this. Now, ultimately, you've heard this fire of the show. You are going to make the final decision, but if you're surrounded with people are just telling you what you want to hear, it's even in my position. If I'm directing and you're my AD and Joey's my producer, I don't want them telling me how great I am every day. I want them to tell me what's not working.

Yeah. And it was, it's funny that you brought up being tough. A lot of people my age and everyone else, but especially my age, I've noticed people don't like working for bosses who are tough. And I'm not going to sit here and tell you that Joey's been completely easy to work with. Because no one, because he, people like him, and I know he'd hate if I compared him to Richard, but people like that, they're not always going to be the easiest to work with, but it's the most rewarding, at least so far for me. And it's crazy that people would give up or just not work with them, but you have to, you have to roll with it. And that's what makes them special. Because he's honest. You know, the biggest ego is the show. It's the show, it's the film,

it's the play. That's the biggest ego. You have to service that ego. Because when you're mounting something, you want to mount the best thing you can mount, but you have to service that. You have to make sure that that's being serviced, whether you're the star of it or the director. You know, that's what you service. If you're always kissing somebody's ass, they're not going to go anywhere. You know, so, listen, I've heard things during my course that people don't appreciate. You know, I've had my talks with, I've got a little spatula, Roseanne, but it wasn't over personality. It was over a different, it was over, you know, a different opinion. And you have to express that opinion. But I will tell you this,

I have never had, and I don't know why, I can't tell you, I have never had a major confrontation with any comedian I've worked with. Never. I've had disagreements, I've had discussions, but I've never gotten to the point where, you know, I thought that person was a complete asshole or they didn't want to work with them anymore, or that person went behind me back and got me fired. And I think the reason that is, is I really do believe this. You have to be upfront and direct, and you have to be honest, and they have to trust you. The minute you lose trust, it's over. You're a director, and you lose the trust of your crew, it's over. I'm going to tell you something, right? You have to be, you have to respect the person you work with,

and the person has to respect you. And from my point of view, there's not enough money to pay me if I'm being disrespect. I'm going to tell you something, Marco, you hit it on the head with something, but this kid across from me, two years ago, I was dead, Rocco. I was going to get a job selling cars right here in the valley. I was going to keep auditioning, and I was going to do stand-up locally. And he hit me up on Facebook, and we started talking, and we met, and we started doing videos together. And it's really weird, Rocco, that it took a 23-year-old kid to get my career turned around. We've released an album. It was number one on Billboard and The Charts. We've released four storytelling things, testicle, testaments, and it's been him pushing me. You follow

me on this, Rocco? Yes, sir, because I'll tell you something. You can equate this to sports. There's never been a team of all rookies or all veterans that want a championship. It's the combination of youth and experience, and I think when you get to the point, I'm working on a lot of really young people. You know, Carly and Donnie and I, our relationship is very unique. They're young, and they're making mistakes, and if you know something, that's what they're supposed to do. They're going to trip. I'm just there to make sure they don't fall. And when you have a combination of that, and I understand, I mean, I understand that it comes at a certain point where I'm getting respected, but I don't think about it. I don't think about it, and the fact that

somebody wants to say that about me, that's really nice, but I'm about working. I want to keep working. It's about the work. This is about work. All the other stuff doesn't matter. You've got Amy and Mike saying, whatever, all these awards, they're just trophies. They don't mean really nothing. Yes, congratulations for doing a great thing, and you get an award, but awards are objectives. Now, you know, how does the article not get nominated for a Candidate Award? I don't understand that, but that's what you can't ever, you can't be in control of that. You won an award, you don't win the award. It's not going to change your life. What's going to change your life is how you work, how you approach your work, what you do, your love of what you do. And I think that's all that

matters. At the end of the day, that's what you have anyway. So I see what you're, I see that you're going in this direction that's right. I've done the same thing. It's nurturing. They give because they want to learn. You give back because you have learned. And when you share and you, you combine those two energies, how can it lose? You know, you can't. It's an any, any, any walk of life. You know, I got a basketball team, my Cavaliers. They got toward the youngest rookies around. You know, I'm going to start in the, uh, uh, classic, and there's room for the Brown to go back to Cleveland when he's done in Miami. He's the missing link if he goes back. A team that can't make a play out this one superstar veteran to blend with those kids and

look what happens. No, they're going to be new working, um, or me working with, with, with enthusiastic, bright people who want to learn and are giving you everything that they want to give you and you give back. And I think it's great, Shelley. It did turn your life around. When I saw Carly and Donnie and that Mike up three, three year and a half years ago, one in the morning, I never thought about getting into management, but I said to myself, I want to be involved in something from the ground floor. I like these girls. I think they're talented and I'm going to go with them. And now things are starting to happen. And it's really rewarding. It's probably one of the most rewarding things I've ever experienced because, you know, I, when I met prior, he was a star.

When I met George, he was a star. When I met Billy, he was a star. When I met Whoopie, he was a star. When I met Roseanne, she was gonna be a star. These kids make it. Look how rewarding that is for me and look how much fun I've had seeing that happen. It's the same thing you're doing. Rocco, I don't mean to knock you off. How old are you now, Rocco? I don't go there. No, I need to know. Why? Because I want these motherfucking youngsters to see at any age, the enthusiasm in the heart you have for life. And I run into 20-year-olds that are moping around with fucking sandals on, you know, telling you how bad life is. And I'm going to phone with a guy that's remotivated me. And I know that I'm going to be 50 next Tuesday. And you got a couple years on me.

So you're a bad motherfucker, Uncle Rocco. I got a few more years on you. But here's the deal. I'll tell you why. Age to me, my mother told me this. You know, I'm the son of immigrant parents who married, who had me late in life. They both were married before. They both lost their first spouses when they remarried. My dad was close to 16. My mom close to 40. So I was raised by very, very elderly people. And the one thing that they were was they had a lust for life. They really did. I got that from my mom. And I think that carries over. And my dad was a past master, but he was really a kind man. And I think those influences carried me over. I've had my problems. I've had my tragedies. We all

have those. You know my history, Joey. And I have a son, you know, who's finally found himself. And it doesn't matter when, but you know you, you know that if a person has a good heart, a good person, and has a love of what they do, they will eventually get there. So thank you. But what keeps me stimulated are these conversations being around young people who are so enthusiastic and want to learn. And I kind of feel bad for them in a way because it's it's much harder. But you can't let that get in your way. You have to believe that you and your voice will be heard. That's all you have to do. And you have to work at it every day. And you get a break. And look at Joey. You've been around a while. You know what's happening.

You know, you, you resided your engine. You didn't quit. You could have thrown in the towel. But you didn't because you love what you do. Isn't that true? No, I'm like, uh, Richard G. in the office of the gentleman. I got nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go. Rocko, I love you to all my heart, brother. I will call you next week. And, uh, because I'm going to put a special again. I want your name on it somewhere, Rocko. So yeah, by the way, you never told me your name. My real name? No, no, your, your, your friend's name. Which one? The guy's been talking to me. Oh, my, my name is Lee. Lee. Lee Sia. Yeah. And I call him the fly. It's a pleasure talking to you. Well, I can't, I can't explain how amazing

that was to just listen and talk to you. I told when, when I, when you were on the first podcast, I must have listened to it five times in, in two days. We're going to get together for lunch and I'm going to bring them down, Rocko. All right. Yeah, we'll have, we'll, we'll, we'll sit down and talk more. I, Joey, thanks for, uh, thank you, bro. No, you're back on in about three weeks. I love you, Rocko. You're a good man. And I'll, I'm going to stop by Jay this week. You too. And we're going to switch right to another call. Yo, what's up? What's happening? Oh, shit. It's my brother. Oh, shit. Listen, for you people who don't know, it's Ari Shafir. And this is very special. And I'm going to tell you why. Hit him. Tell him why it's so special, Ari.

And I got to tell you, you sound fucking great, Ari. No, you sound really good. I've listened, I've seen you on a plane at eight in the morning. You don't do too fucking good. No, people say, huh? Yeah, he doesn't do too good. You sound, what's going on, buddy? I'm driving home from this girl's house. I made myself sleep over somebody's house. I could, I could be awake. What, uh, how's the DVD doing? Tell us about this. Give me fucking day. Lee has watched it twice and he loves it. Oh yeah. I bought it. I bought it like I'm a Jew too. So I bought it the day before for four bucks. Cause it's awesome. Say the dollar. Yeah, gotta. Why would you wait for the dollar? Cause these Christians don't know

what they're doing. What else is going on, buddy? How you been? I'm good. Yeah, the DVD's out. Passive aggressive. Okay. And where do they find that? DVD, not DVD. Special. Special. It's online. Chill.com. Chill.com. Go to chill.com. It's a fin. Get Ari. What else is going on, buddy? How you been? I've been great. I've been great. I went to North Carolina. That's fun. Okay. I hung out at the empty state dining hall. How was that? It was around. It was fun. I like watching college kids. All right. And where you headed to right now? You're going to go home to sleep or you're staying up? Fuck yeah. No, I'm not staying up. I'm going to go to sleep. I might stop by a burger's bagels. Get something with some cables on it. Oh, yeah. One. Otherwise, I got

it's a good fucking day to eat a nice bagel and go back to bed, smoke a half a joint nice and stoned. It's not to get real nice, too. Yeah, life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What'd you do last night? I went out. I guess my birthday. So the throat wanted to go out through. We're out downtown. That's wrong. Look at that. I put wax in that. It's real strong. Oh my god. I'm stoned to the gills. I'm hitting some wax this morning. I got from the chill 209 guys. I am fucking wrecked. I was sitting here listening to rock or going, what the fuck? Was it your birthday yesterday? Happy birthday, buddy. I'm going to be 50 next Tuesday, the 19th. What? 50. 50. Next Tuesday. So I'm going to be 100.

What do you think the odds are that you see 100? I got good. I got a good chance. I got a good chance, especially if I keep smoking dope. I'm smoking it. Even if I'm even if I have like a third of a lung and I'm connected with another thing and they have me on my channel for news. He made it to 100. A bunch of old people smoking dope. I got some like 90 year old sucking my dick. It's a party. Oh, wouldn't that mix with some heroin mixed with some Led Zeppelin. Forget about it. While we're at it, let me hit this fucking vapor. Yeah, I like this little this illegal substance, but who gives a fuck? We're on national television. This is what Charlie Sheen can't do on anger management. You have the leeway. Who's better than me? I'm sitting here talking to two

Jews smoking wax. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? Where are you next week, buddy? I'm home for a few weeks. Okay. And then I'm going to Long Island. I'm going to hang out the red as easy and shoot something and then I'm going to look for a department. You're going to move to Long Island? No, I'm just going to look for an apartment in Manhattan of Brooklyn. Okay. Are you working the club in Long Island? Yeah, yeah, Governor's Governor's is a great club. I love Mark, man. Mark and his wife. I'm good fucking people. You know, I worked for you work for all these club owners. And he's the only motherfucker that called me Christmas day. Oh, really? Yeah. And he was like, Hey, man, I can't wait to have you back in May. And I'm like, what the fuck?

I'm working with this guy for me. This guy calls me on fucking Christmas day. I don't talk to many of them, but I saw him at Montreal and he introduced himself. He's like, Hey, I think we're trying to get a day to get to work, you know, come out there and work. I was like, Yeah. And he goes, Hey, you like a volcano? Yeah. Yeah. He goes, Yeah, you come over. He was my volcano. Yeah, yeah, he's got the volcano right in the fucking green room. You gotta love it. Really? In the green room? Yeah, yeah, it's a great little club, man. You know, it got a bad little name for a while there because it was run by that management company, who a bunch of fucking mooks anyway. But Mark took it over. And I think science has been going

back in there and Colin Quinn and a lot of guys live in Long Island. All the cake is a manager to switch up a business completely. You go to a restaurant that's good for a while that all of a sudden it's stuck in and every day it's stuck all the time. And you're like, What happened? I got a new manager. I changed the fucking chef for the menu or something, the ingredients. I can't stand when a new manager comes in. Remember when we were at the store and Shelly came in with that thing that you couldn't smoke pot on the property? All the employees in the community decided to sign a waiver saying you would not smoke pot. I just crumbled it up and threw it at her as disrespectful as it was. But that was disrespectful

what she was doing to me, telling me I can't smoke pot at the company store. That's like saying you can't eat pussy at the bunny ranch. You know what I'm saying? How the fuck am I gonna Don't take warm-up swings and batting practice. Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you? You fucking miserable mutt. She was gone in like 10 days after that. That's right. Who's better? Look at my man, best Andy, bad Andy. Who's better than me? I'm talking to two Jews and smoking wax. That's it. I want you to call in more. I'll do it when I'm up. What do you do on Mondays and Wednesdays? Mondays and Wednesdays and we do a special one on Yarmulke on Hanukkah for Sunday. So that's when I go to all my favorite fucking Jews calling up. We might do one this Sunday.

Do you want a special Jew holiday? You should do one for Jew holidays. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just for special Jew holidays so everybody's happy. Fuck yeah, that's our new rule. We're going on. We're covering all the Jew holidays. We're gonna get a fucking menorah. We're gonna get Jeremiah. We're gonna get to leave Jeremiah, leave the door open. Nah, the Jews don't partake in the summer. They take off like after March. They're like, fuck it. It's too deep. Oh, shit. Talking about the Jews. You know what today is? What? Ask motherfucking Wednesday. That's why the pope, that's why the pope quit because he didn't want to give nothing up for Lent. I still got a cock sucker. That's why the pope quit that dirty

motherfucker. He didn't want to give chocolate and fingers in the ass up for Lent. You know what I'm saying? He quit. I liked it. He quit. Yeah, he just tapped out. He's fucking, he tapped out like Rampage. I ain't coming back, bitches. All right. Ask Wednesday is six weeks before Easter and you give something up for the suffering that, you know, like you give something. I don't know what I'm giving up yet. I was thinking of giving up edibles. Shut up. Except for Monday when I bury fucking Lee and his father. I gotta make a deal with Jesus just to, I don't know. I gotta give something up. I don't know about the edibles. I gotta give something up. What can you give up? Look here, give up one of the cats. No, I can't. One of the cats already fucking died. I already

gave one of them to Jesus. What? Yeah, Finney died, the older one. The older one died about, in fact, it'll be four weeks this Friday. Please, my wife is just getting over it, please. What are the other ones doing? Like leaving alone or just sit there? No, no, no, it didn't die at the house. We had to put them down. We had to put them down. But Fidel is fucking beside himself. Sissy's okay. Once he came up with Fidel and Sissy, he's beside himself. He hasn't been the same. Nobody to give him baths. Nobody attacks them. You know how that goes. Oh, really? They're getting me away? Yeah, so he's pretty sad. They're getting rude. Hey, did it work that way in prison too? What's that? When a cat died? Somebody, no,

no, somebody lost a loved one and people like leave him alone for a while. I think he's fucking Listen, people are going to fuck you in the ass whether or not things are going good in your life. You know what I'm saying? Just always remember that. Your mother dies, you're sucking double dick tonight. You know what I'm saying? Your father dies, you're sucking three dicks on the dead ball. Fuck it. So what's the webpage they got to go to you dirty bitch? Chill, like chill out, chill.com or my website. You can go to the banner on the top there, arrythegurys.com. But yeah, I'm selling this OCD. You're doing one too, not CD. Fuck it's special. Hopefully I'll do one from a fucking prison. Yeah, it's the best idea. He told me that. He was like,

we were talking with the guy, you know, the ex-bill and he's like, we want to do different ones. He did one with Maria Bamford and her moms and her parents, just the apartment, just in front of the two of them. She goes, I want to do one in prison. And I was like, oh, you got to get your ideas. And then I thought about it for another like, till the next day or something, I saw him again, I was like, you know, I was thinking more about it. There's nobody better to film a special at a prison than Joey fucking Diaz. You know what? I just got caught up in a fantasy of sucking Maria Bamford's titties. I don't know why. I swear to God, I like Maria Bamford. She's cute. I would suck a little skinny pussy. Skinny chicks got good pussies. Don't get like

those bony chicks. Their pussies are thicker than everybody else's. It's like they got extra protection around their pussy. You got a pussy like skinny, like Jesus, like bony, like ribs. Her pussy is like a big, thick steak. Like it's thicker. It smells different. I like all that dirty shit. I'm talking to the fly. I'm talking to the Jews. Who the fuck? If I'm not gonna be dirty with some people, I'm gonna be dirty with Jews. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck? It's just like the straw me extra lean does not always better. That's right. My man over here was telling me something interesting yesterday. He said that it would be so hard for me to get into Israel because I got an idea, Ari. Nobody has ever gone to the wall. Everybody always goes to the wall

and puts notes in there, pray for nobody's ever gone to that wall and put a hundred dollar bill on that motherfucker. You go to that wall and fill that motherfucker up with twenties and tell him I'm going back to the track. Do what you need to do. Nobody. So I was thinking of going over there. You fuck. Yeah. Going over there, going right to the wall, putting a hundred in there. What? How you like me now? And he's like, I don't remember you. Hold on. Hold on. What the fuck? You put a fucking hundred in that wall. Those fucking Jews won't know what to do. But he was saying it's very hard for a Latino or a fucking non-Israel. Well, I've only flown at all and they give even Jews a hard time. Do you think you'd have to fly like through Europe and like hide or especially with

his record? Oh, the record might be a thing. Yeah. It's a long history of accepting criminals. But I don't think they took Maya Lansky. They didn't take him. He was too much trouble. He offered them a million cash and they told him no. Then he offered them like three million. And I'm like, well, think about it. We'll get back to you. And they're like, no, they wouldn't let him. Then Argentina wouldn't take him. It was fucking crazy. Remember he offered money. Yeah, that was amazing. Do you think they would? For money, they're not going to fuck, but okay, we need it. We need it by weather. They had a guy in my high school. He played on my basketball team. His younger brother, a bad kid, sold dope, or I don't know which one

dope is, whatever weed is. And then him and his friend killed some guy. It was like in ninth to 10th grade. They killed, they bullied some guy and killed them in a cabin and chopped them up, put them in a furnace. And then they were on to them. They caught the one guy and then my friend's brother, since they had money, they just escaped to Israel and Israel took them and said, here's the option. You got to do your time in a prison in Israel, or you can serve four years in the military and then we'll call it even. The guy said, good enough. Four years in the military, it is. That's what everybody here does anyway. And he did his time in the military and then how he lives in Israel. They can't come back to America. They'll always take you if you're Jewish.

I would love to join the military at this age. You should just give orders. Get down and do 10 cuts. That's how badass Maya Lansky was. They'll take anybody if you're a Jew and they said, yeah, I got to look that up. I think they turned down Maya Lansky, his own country turned them down for something. We got to look it up. And that's it, Shafi. I love you, cocksuck. I'm happy to see these going well. I'm happy you're happy and you're doing well. And yeah, that's really good. I'm glad I looked at it. It looks really cool. I don't do any of that cheesy shit in there. Audience reaction shot. It's all fucking, I like it. All the way. I want it. Yeah, that's cool. That's why I love it. Let's do your own special. No, I'm excited. I just had Rock or BC on the guy

that directed Richard Pry's specials and he did. How'd him do it? He directed 10 George Collins specials. Yeah, I've been talking to him. In fact, he came to me. How'd him do your special from the prison? He came to me two years ago when asked me about the prison, but he wanted to do a special with a couple of comedians. Me, Darryl Ryan, a couple of us that got locked up. Now he's just going to go single. So let's see what happens. Yeah. That'd be cool. What would you do it? What prison would you do it in? Which one were you at? I would like to do Boulder, like a Boulder County Jail. Like I would like to do the one where I shot the longest yard in where they had the, that's a good prison to shoot at. And I would like to shoot it also maybe in a jail in Northern

California. Here's the beauty of it. When I shoot it, I'm going to, the movie I'm shooting with the Nero and those guys gets released November 15th. I'm going to release this November 18th. The day that I got arrested for kidnapping Kent Vella, it's a 26th anniversary. Why not take it deep and meaningful? You follow me? I love when I tell people from Canada, like, hey, when Joey Diaz coming here, I'm like, Joey Diaz can't. Like, oh, why? I'm like, you know, arrest felonies. And like, Canadian laws are so stupid. People have DUI laws. I was like, what, what DUI? They're not, they can't get into Canada. And I was like, no, no, no, no, don't kid yourself. But I'm a machine gun. There's ain't no DUI. Like, oh, I had two beers instead

of one and a half. I didn't realize. To say no, Michael Jackson, this ain't thriller. Yeah, exactly. He's a hardcore. Are you in town next Tuesday? You in town next Tuesday? We can do that. Yeah. All right. My wife wants to have a get together in the afternoon. So leave it open some happy hour or something at the house or somewhere. So leave it open. Okay. Or Durbs? Can I bring some pigs in a blanket? No, no fucking pigs in a blanket out of my house. This is like a doche or Durb night. You gotta eat like celery sticks with fucking, with white fish in it. Oh, nice. Oh, nice little piece of white fish in it. You know what I gotta take you to? I know what I gotta take you to one day. A nice kiddish. A nice kiddish after a synagogue

service. Where they put the white fish salad out. Oh, little cookies and, and, and crane and, and, and herring. Pickles herring. Pickles herring right now. Good googly moogly. You like pickles? Yeah. 30 Jews are trying to shake hands and say hi, but they're all eye in the eye on the table, like the herrings going, the herrings going. I'm, I like that, that white fish with the cream. Or the herring coming, the cream. Both of them? No, the white fish comes in the cream. Oh, I bought it one time in the genre. It wasn't that good. The place I used to get it in New York was fucking delicious. I don't know what they did to it. Everybody else, they don't know how to make it out of here. He's got some of the Jews out here. They're no good. I went to a Cuban place last

time I was in New York, went on Yelp and found something with four and a half stars. It was like 10 bucks. It was the most delicious food I've ever had in my life. What did you have? This drink was like a passion fruit drink. It was so goddamn good. But then I had the split piece, like stew with chicken in it. What is that? What is that stew they have? It's called, not got bonzo. It's called, I forget. My mom used to make it when the winter come because it's so fucking thick and healthy. I forget what it's called right now. It's the top of my fucking head. Anyway, who gives a fuck? What did you come over on? A raft? How did you plane? A plane, a plane, a plane, a plane. 66. My parents had a little bit of loot. And in those

days, you could still fly to Miami. You still knew some people. You had to know like a congressman or a senator or somebody to do paperwork for you. And by that time, my parents were all in. And then we're there. And then we're here. But they were here way before 59. Okay, they opened up their first business like in 55, 54. So they were here way before the revolution with Batista. What a lot of people don't understand is that when Batista got overthrown, they were delighted. Batista was the biggest thief out of all of them. Batista was horrible. He's the one that divided the country. He's the one that caused all the poverty. You know, the country was making money at the time. It was one of the number one tourist attractions, but he was keeping

all the fucking money, man. They still had, you know, my family grew up poor. My mother's family grew up with nine kids and a fucking shack. My father's family grew up money. They're from Camaway. But you know, when I talked to my uncle, he tells me stories, he's got tears in his eyes, you know? They grew up fucking poor. But it was, if your skin was a little dark, they were very prejudiced in Cuba. Very prejudiced. Yeah, very prejudiced. One of the most set up prejudice fucking people you ever meet. You know, so it was, it was, it was very different back then. You know, my mother already had a kid here. Prejudice against two. What happened? Prejudice against two. The poor? The blacks. The black. Oh yeah, Cuban tab black. A lot of black and they're very

prejudice. And then once you got a little like suntan, they were like, if you see my uncle, my uncle's not black, but he's like a Mexican dude. He's like Felipe. They fucking tortured him. You know, they would torture him. So my mother, no, my mother was very white, you know, some of her sisters, but sometimes you're on the sun a little longer and the skin gets affected. If you see my uncle, you're like, he's not black. He's just fucking Spanish. But they didn't give a fuck if you weren't completely white. Yeah. Real as what? If you weren't completely white, they hated you. Really? But wasn't everybody a little Spanish? Everybody's Spanish, but the fucking slaves mixed in. So that gave it a different flavor. So the darker you are, the more slave you are? Yeah,

Africa would bring the slaves there and have a market, you know, more Africa. Cuba was the marketplace for the slaves and they would take them to different places. And a lot of them got caught down there and they became slaves and some people fucked them like they did here. And that's why, you know, a lot of black people have the last name Washington and Jones. I don't fucking know, Ari. What is this black history? Oh, it is. This thing with Larry Johnson, they were gonna play each other to play off and they asked him how Larry Johnson, how he felt about every Johnson. He goes, hey, it's great. We're on the same plantation. Yeah, I think we got the name Johnson. We worked for the Johnson. Came from the same

owners. That's where Johnson Jones, all those fucking Washington, you know, that's a complete different history lesson. All right, what are you getting black people riled up for? First time I saw black people can tan, I didn't know they could tan. And then I was working at our international cemetery laying pipes down. It's part of the lawns and it's part of the guys laying in something. He was like, yeah, of course, black people can tan. I'm like, what do you mean how? And he goes, look, and he takes his watch off and it's lighter. The lighter black skin underneath. I was like, oh my God, I had no idea. I thought you just stayed in that color all the time. No, it gets darker. You're a sick fuck, are you?

I don't know. They're sick is what we used to do. We were waiting for the truck to pick us up at the cemetery. We were just, it was so fucking hot in the DC summers. It was so hot. And so we tried to get out of the sun. There was no shade. So we climbed into the grave, the open graves before they put the bodies into them. We would climb in there and just rest inside the cool graves. It was the best way to stand. Can you see my face right now, Ari? I am disgusting. We would do that and then sometimes we would, when he would come, the truck would come and goes, where is everybody? I mean, come out of the graves like we're in vampires. I'm like, yeah. When I was a kid, North Jersey has a lot of cemeteries and I used to cut through cemeteries

in the daytime. And sometimes if it was hot, I'd do a line of coke and lay in the cemetery grass and get sun tan, you know, and do that fucking last line from snow blind, lying snow blind in the sun, just to mind fuck myself. But I never got the whole cocksucker. Yeah, that and what after we laid the pipes, we had to set them off and big, big fields, you know, left and right around the nationals. It was a big gigantic, you know, in order field. And we put the sprinklers on and we would just run through them. We would just jump and run through them. It was so much fun. We get in trouble though. They were like, guys, people are buried here. Guys, this fucking people dead here. How long did you work in the cemetery for?

Uh, just one summer when I was 16. That's how the story, what is your next story? Tell us show cocksucker. Oh, we're good. I just thought I just got this meal. I'm a little digital. We're gonna do one. Uh, we're gonna do one online to come for Comedy Central. What are you doing? What are you doing it to? What are you doing? Um, they're picking up, picking up the date. I don't know. They're gonna shoot it really nice.

Um, we're going to look at locations downtown. You're doing it. Whatever we're doing, you're doing it. We're going to do it on like a Tuesday, Wednesday, so people will be in town. All right. Well, we had to cancel Laugh Factory. We're probably going to bring it back up in April. Do like a Pink Floyd type show. And that's it. I got to get out of here, Ari. I love you at all my heart. I'm happy that the CDs selling well. Where can they go get it again? Chill.com. Chill.com bitches.

Five fucking dollars. Go there today. Support that squad. We'll keep fucking giving you content and jumping up and down and showing you our dick and everything. I love you, Cox Sucker. Have a good day and thank you very much for calling. Throw a kiss to your fucking Jewish buddy there. Have a good day. Stay black. Now that's a fucking podcast, Cox Sucker. Oh shit.

Yeah, we don't fuck around here at the church of what's happening. I want to thank you guys for coming on and watching and supporting us and for you guys for downloading and member subscribe. We got to get people fucking listening to this shit and people. What do we got this weekend? We're not doing one on Sunday. We may, we'll let you motherfuckers know how we feel because your dad's coming Monday. Saturday night. Saturday night. So Monday's the big podcast. Banana bread, the whole fucking thing. We're going to have some chick dancing on the polls. You don't fucking get it together.

And February 27th on a Wednesday, I'm at the ice house doing testicle testaments. 626-577-1894 call for tickets. And then the 28th through March 2nd, I am at the Brea Improv. So five shows. But you guys have been bugging me about this and I got, there's two things. It was two things I wanted to talk about. Oh, real quick. Thank you for all the emails I got yesterday on the commitment thing. Little commitments do become big commitments and I'm happy that you guys saw that number two.

The web page is out joeycocodias.net, joeycocodias.net, joeycocodias.net, joeycocodias.net, tour dates, t-shirts. We got hoodies on there. We got a long sleeve shirt for you guys. We got everything there. Don't ask no more. Go support the long sleeves t-shirts or one of them is a podcast t-shirt. I get to give Lee a couple fucking dollars so you don't have to do this for free every fucking day. And mugs are coming also too. Oh, sure. We're going to start having some coffee mugs so we can all drink coffee together.

I'm going to get a crook from up here so we can live like fucking doctors. And that's it, man. Listen, guys, it's Wednesday. Have a great fucking week. I know that we should see you before fucking Monday, but we can't be whatever. If we could, we'll do something Sunday for you. If not, have a great week. Stick to your fucking goals. Write your goals down. Start a workout. You know, right. Take a chance. Whatever the fuck you want to do, you can do it. This is your world, cocksucker. What do you got for me?

I got some a sound garden for you. Hit it, baby. You bad motherfucking you. Honest.com. Go to Honest. And don't forget today's your last chance. Say, right now, when you can be for that, right now, go to fucking cherries, berries right now and cut this shit, cocksucker. Stay black. Berries. How do you smell it? B-E-R-R-I-E-S and you're putting happening into the box with the microphone.

And it's dot com. Stay black. What's so ever feeling has become to light. What's so ever thought all became alive. Just one every day. Sing a great new anthem. Smile. Song's about to fade in. Now I'm on time.

Now I'm on time.