Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #022 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 16, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today we talk about failure..... This episode is brought to you by United Harvest, CBD Lion & DraftKings...... Go to https://www.unitedharvest.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.draftkings.com and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Greetings to Uncle Joey's joint. It's Wednesday the 16th of the month. You got nine good fucking days before Christmas. Everybody's happy. We're ready. We're about to get about a fucking foot of snow here. So as you can see, I got the fucking Leon with the Leon top of that just in case. So there's no misunderstandings. The garage is clean. So both cars could fit. And that's it. And that's that. I got a funny fucking Joe Diazism for you just to let you know the type of week I was having. So the surgery got pushed back to January 8. And right now I'm looking for they sent me some paperwork to look for rehab services. So I got to go to different people and, you know, submit shit. I had to go to a couple

different towns, one being Sayerville, the house of Bon Jovi. I love you, you know, representing Jersey, the whole fucking thing. I had a drive through Coltsnake. That's where Bruce Briggs things lived. Did I see him? No, I didn't see anybody but fucking Diaz. But I had to go to different places. So Monday on the way back, this is just a funny story real quick just to get this started, just to let you know about the world that Joe Diaz and what I go through when your motherfuckers aren't around with a camera. Because it's very hard to, I wouldn't want a camera around me anyway. It would be funny. I would have the number one show on TV. But it's just too much. People wouldn't even believe it. You can't write half this shit. So I'm a crowd therapy guy. I also

do the Novator, which is the red light therapy on the bed. And I feel that ever since I've moved from California and not to sound like Johnny fucking granola, but the crowd therapy was really fucking working. It's the truth. I don't want people to say, oh, Joey's all fucking West Coast and shit. No, you know, I'm just trying to tell you the truth that when it came to those type of treatments, they're a little bit more open minded on the West Coast than they are here. Even though my doctor gave me the same alternative as they have out there, the blood stem stuff. I just can't deal with the fucking needle, you know, Dean Delray said he had a needle in his fucking neck and he passed out twice during the procedure and he kept waking up to a fucking smoothie and he would go on there again. I can't

do that shit. I can't drain for that long. You got my arm for about a minute. Whatever blood you got to take out of me, you got about a fucking minute. So ever since I fucking got my teeth fixed, I can't bite my nails no more. So the habit of biting my nails is fucking gone. So I got nails now. Now for you people who don't know it, I got a lot of problems with my skin. I got itchy skin. I got foot fungus. I got the fungi nail. I've had ringworm. I've had third degree fucking sunburn. I just got skin issues. When I was a kid, I couldn't take a shower at a public fucking place because my feet would get fungus right away, but bad, like adult fungus. That's why I used to have to wear flip flops and I was that faggy kid in the corner in karate with socks on. That's me. I'm not ashamed. It's just the way life

is. Over the years, through the drugs and prison and hanging out with dirty people, you build the tolerance. But I still get issues from time to time. I get fucking rashes or whatever. And now I got the nail. So my skin issues don't come up till nighttime. Late at night when I'm sleeping is when I scratch. I must get hot and I must get itchy. There's mornings I wake up and there's blood on the bed and shit. Oh yeah, there's mornings I wake up and there's a little like little patches of blood here and there. I might have scratched my neck or I might have scratched my back. But basically it's my thighs. It's the back of my thighs that get itchy, my ass cheeks, and my ball sack or whatever that area around there. I just scratch it. And I get heat rashes like every other man. You know, I put powder, I treat it. But some nights you go to bed, you know,

whatever, maybe I listen. You should drink. If you're over 50, if you're over 40, you should drink a tall glass of water before you go to bed so you don't dehydrate. That's when you're over 50, you should drink a glass of water and take a baby aspirin so you won't have a heart attack between six in the morning and 12. That's the highest possibility of, that's the highest time of the day for a male over 50 or a female to have a heart attack. So you should take an aspirin and drink a glass of water. I drink tea and while at night I drink up to, you know, two things of water. That means I fucking don't sleep solid. That means I got to pee two times in the middle of a fucking night. It sucks. It sucks dick for you guys who go, for your young guys, you're like, what the fuck is Joey talking about? Give it time, cucksuckers.

Wait till you start getting old and you got to get up to pee in the middle of the night. To be honest with you guys, it's usually one time a night. If I drink two bottles of water before I go to bed, sometimes I just drink all night. You just drink water, water, water. You start after dinner, you know, when you're smoking reef, you got to hydrate and bam, you fucking, you drink the fucking water. Anyway, my skin must get dry at night. I scratched myself to death. Long story short, I'm coming back yesterday from one of the rehab places and I heard from the grapevine that there was a place that had cryotherapy. So I said, let me stop in there and get a brochure and see what type of services they had. They have the red light place, they have massages, they have floating, it's a great place. Himalayan salts, I recommend it to anybody who has

some type of problems that they want to straighten out. The red light steam, I was turned on to it by Jimmy Florentine and another guy, it's fucking tremendous. You sweat minimally, but it cleans out your lungs. Just a bunch of benefits. Go on HimalayanSalt.com and read up on it. They're not a sponsor or anything, I'm just telling you. But if you live in Jersey, I don't know if they're somewhere else. It's a pretty interesting place. They're bad, everything's made of salt, so the whole time you're breathing salt anyway. I go there yesterday and the lady's like, you know, I want my services, because if you like, you could try one of those things today. I've never floated before. Now, you know, Rogan talks about floating, a lot of people talk about the benefits of floating. I had some time to kill. I go, let me

jump in the fucking thing and float. Okay, she tells me what I need to do, she gives me a robe, a fucking towel, the whole fucking thing. I put the fucking earmuffs in, you know, the thing for your neck. I get in the floater. I'm not in that fucking water, two minutes. And that salt is getting into all my cuts and everything. And I'm fucking stinging like I'm getting stung by bees. But it wasn't the fucking scratches on my thigh. What the salt really attacked me was I must have had a hemorrhoid dead. I'd been dead like Rich Vaughn said he had a little, it felt like whenever he wiped his ass, he had a raisin on his ass. So he asked the doctor to look at his ass. Last time he went for a colonoscopy, and the doctor told him it was a dead hemorrhoid that had sucked up. Now, the whole summer, when I

flew and all that shit, I must have gotten a hemorrhoid from the stress. It was like a little gumball on my ass. I would wipe it. Fucking tremendous. I would take his shit, and you could see the dent in the shit from the fucking hemorrhoid. It was like when you shoot a gun and it has the fucking, so if anybody could, if you found my shit, you could go, that's Joey Diaz's, because he got a little notch on the end there from the fucking hemorrhoid, was bumping into his shit. True story, you can't make this shit up. I'm sorry, it's fucking Wednesday. We need to lighten up a little bit, all right? The electoral vote's in for you fucking people. So we need to fucking lighten up a little bit, all right? So let me tell you something. When that salt water surrounded that fucking hemorrhoid

dog, I felt like Jesus. Wasn't it Jesus that rubbed salt on his wounds? I was laying there. My fucking hemorrhoid was on fucking fire. I'm getting dizzy. My legs were on fire, the whole fucking thing. Let me tell you something. It was torture. I did it for as long as I could, and finally I had to get the fuck out of there and jump in the shower and wash all my salt. That fucking hemorrhoid on me must have hurt for fucking two hours after that, after I left that fucking place. My asshole was stinging. So the moral of the story is if you got hemorrhoids, don't fucking float in the salt tank, all right? That's lesson number one today, just to get it out of the way. Lesson number two, I want to talk to you cocksuckers about is also very important.

We had a good time this week, talking about first, we talked about the fucking the switch getting turned on. And then number two, we switched it up a little bit. And we talked about, you know, waking up like fucking, I don't even know how the fuck we got involved and just waking the fuck up, you know, like what happened to me on December 18th, which is going to be my Friday anniversary. We talked about all these things, you know, let's talk a little bit about fucking failure today, you know, and why we're so fucking scared as Americans or as human beings. Why do I have to say Americans? Why are we as human beings scared? I'm trying new things and being in our shell. You know, again, I don't point

out particular fucking emails. I point out different emails that I get from Facebook, Twitter, you know, Patreon, and I look at this and I make an evaluation of what I really want to talk about and what are the needs that you guys need to get filled in just so you can use your mind. Okay. A lot of 20 and 30 year olds, especially in their young 30s, you're going through a feeling of anger, confusion and frustration with the key one being frustration. That key one is frustration. You know why? Because things ain't moving at the speed you anticipated them to move. Have you ever thought about that? We want what we want and we want to write the fuck now. You know, heroin is great. You shoot

it and within two minutes you're fucking buzzed. You know, you put a fucking pill in your mouth and within 45 minutes you're high or whatever long it takes. You know, you smoke pot, whatever the fuck you do, drink alcohol, everything we're so used to, quickness, you know, quickness. We want food delivered. You know, everything is 40 fucking minutes. Well, you know what? When it comes to life, it doesn't boil down to 40 fucking minutes. I mean, we all wish it did. We did. We're so used to everything being in our fucking fingertips, you know, especially when we're growing up. Everything is in our fucking fingertips, especially now with technology. You know, I'm not better than any of you

guys. I'm not better than any of you guys at all. The differences, the differences are we were raised at different times. We were raised at different times. When I was raised there was four fucking channels. So if you wanted to watch TV you had one of those four fucking channels to look at. So think about it. You got four channels and you got a playground okay. Everything changed. That dynamic changed. Over the years we got cable TV, you know, it got more comfortable to be in fucking at home, you know, parents worry so they tell their kids to fucking just stay in whatever. So I came from a different world than when you came from. So let's get that out of the way. I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about

I'm in today's fucking world as a 20 to a 30 year old. This is what you're feeling. Can you imagine you come out of fucking college and you fucking, you got this amount of fucking loans and now you put out, you know, your resumes, you get a job, you get good pay, the whole fucking thing. But now you start all over again. That's a complete different struggle. Now you're moving up the corporate ladder. Now this guy's telling you orders. This guy's telling you this. Then you're somewhere along the line. You realize this is what you want to do. Whatever the fuck it may be, whatever the fuck it may be, the thing that eats your crawl the most is the same thing that eat a micro of the most between the ages of 20

and 30 fucking five that it wasn't happening fast enough. Why is it happening for them fast enough? And it's not happening for me as fast as I can. Well maybe they had some type of help. Maybe they had some type of help from their father. You never know. And I'm not putting anybody down here. I'm not talking about trust fund or anything like that. I'm just saying help. Help is a big one. We're all looking for that one person to help us. An uncle, a friend, somebody put a stake in us. You know, somebody to fucking lend this money to get our venture off the fucking ground. But you know what? You know why nobody is lending you money? Because you wouldn't know what to do with it if somebody

gave you that fucking money. So sometimes be grateful because you wouldn't know what to do with it. No. But okay Joey, before you were saying, and there I'm right. Yeah, you would probably fail. But would you really know why you failed at that age? Would you just say it just didn't work? Sell an arm and it just doesn't work in fucking northern New Jersey. Okay, did you sell hard enough? Did you really put your effort into this shit? Did you really put everything you had into this shit? Or did it just didn't fucking work? That's a question you got to ask yourself. So yeah, we want everything quick. But we never fucking realize what we never fucking realize is that every fucking day that we

get up and we move towards something, you may not notice it. But let me simplify this simple as simple as I can. But I learned on my own. You ready for this one? Every day you are a work in progress. You dumb motherfucker. And when I say this to you, I'm not calling you a dumb motherfucker. I'm saying this is this is like a mirror. I'm calling myself a dumb motherfucker. Because that's what I finally had to tell myself one day. That's what I had to tell myself one day. When in 1995, after the contest, after I put all this work in, after everything, I asked myself, All right, I'm in this fucking jam now for five years. I'm still making $8,000 a year. Can you imagine? Can you imagine being a parent

guys? And your son comes in looking happy and shit. And you have another son that's a fucking doctor and shit. And you got a son that made $8,400. In 1986, I think I made $8,900 per year. $8,000. That's poverty. Why the fuck would somebody even consider doing that? That is less than $1,000 a month. My best bet is to slip and fall and break my skull and collect this ability. I would get more money. You fucking retard. But why the fuck would I continue to do something after I only made 80? Let's just circle it off to a fucking round number. $9,000 after five years. Would you stick it out after you made $9,000 after five years? How about you, Mike? Would you? Would you?

You thinking about doing something else? As a profession or if you love something? If I love it, I'd do it and I'd still get another job. Okay. Still, I did all that stuff. I did comedy in Seattle. There were things called corporate events like we did. Me and Josh Wolf would do. Every Saturday it was a company that used you as an extra. So on Saturday mornings, me and Josh would drive to fucking Tacoma, Washington, to like a fucking D studio. And some guy would do, we would do videos for UPS or companies like that that only people in UPS would see. Like I'm just saying UPS, please don't quote me on this. It could have been AT&T. It could

have been one of those companies. I forget it was. I just remember one time we just had to carry boxes back and forth like with like a yellow vest on while the guy, the spokesman was talking about health or OSHA standards or whatever, you know. At the end of five years, in 1996, I was making $9,000 a year. That is basically embarrassing. But something hit me, something dawned on me that it was a work in progress. That is fucking big to come to yourself and say that to yourself. And guess what guys, in 1996, I was in the depths of cocaine. I was at the depths of drugs. I was at the depths of reefer. I was in the depth of anger over my divorce. I was in the depth of frustration and anger over the loss

of my child. And I still had enough common sense to go hmm. In 1992, I was making $200 a month off MSN. That's $2,400 a year. $2,400 a year. I made $2,400 a year in 1992 from comedy. Why would you stick with it? Again, in 2000, 1996, I made $9,000 off comedy. So my income went up 60%, let's say. I don't have a calculator here. I'm not fucking confuses with a fucking abacus, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to have. I'm just letting you know this, that these are the true fucking numbers, okay? But let me break that down for you again. I always knew something from the beginning of this. I always knew, again, it's karmic. The universe takes care of you. Every time

you do something, and it's free, or they don't pay you the amount that you're going to get, it's considered a punching. Okay? You know when you take your time card and punch it in, and it tells you 922, and then you go back at fucking 1158, and you go back at 1231, then you punch out at five. Life has a fucking punch card. Same thing. You don't believe me? I don't give a fuck. I'm telling you, life has a punch card. Every day you punch that card in. Every day. Every day you punch that card in, regardless of what people tell you. You're wasting your time. It's never going to happen. There's always people that try to get you with trick questions. How are you going to do this? How are you going to do that?

And you laugh. You get a little discouraged. But in 1996, what I saw, I don't even think I filed taxes. I mean, why file taxes? $9,000. They don't care about you. You don't care about them. And they're not going to come looking for you. It's when you owe them $99,000. They're going to come looking for you. But you made $9,000. They're just going to fucking go, who gives a fuck? What do we get from that? Whatever. We'll get them later on in the fucking rebound. And they do. And they will. Okay? We'll get that back to later on that. That was my figure. In 1996, I made $9,000. Now, let's flash forward to a year after that, in 1997. Okay, I ended up moving to L.A. I think when I moved. Let's just say if it

shouldn't giggles, I had maybe $500. And that could be a big fucking lie. But I know it wasn't more than $500. I knew that when I left, I borrowed some money from some guy and told him I'd be back on an hour on an April or something. That was part of my income. And there was like a hundred dollars from a gig I had done the night before. If it wasn't for the girl I was dating at the time, she financed the whole trip down. I'm not ashamed to admit the truth that that's just the way it was. She wanted to go down. I told her I didn't have the money to move. She said we'd figure it out once we got down there. And I went down and I went to L.A. fucking blind like everybody else. I went to L.A. to do

a pilot and to pick up a check that they had given me. And that was it. That was the extent of my L.A. I didn't think I was going to stay in L.A. and live in L.A. or ever fucking succeed in L.A. I'll tell you the story and then I'll end it with the story. I got to L.A. in January of 97, like every other fucking schmuck. I didn't know what I was doing. By the luck of God, I became a regular at the comedy store in February of 97. I don't know how it was. Mitzi sure liked me. She didn't like, whatever. I took it very seriously. The switch was on. I took it as fucking serious as I could. I knew I was fortunate to be there, considering who the fuck I was, what I had done in my life, and where I had come from in my life. And

I promised myself I wasn't going to spin my wheels. That I would do everything as I should do. Luckily, in February, when I got there in January, I became a regular at the store in February, but something else happened in February. An agent from a sudden bartender binari saw me. They're not together anymore, but they were a great commercial agent at the time. This was February of 97, I mean, quickly. They came up to me at the improv. The guy's name was Neil, and his assistant's name was Mike, who I'm still dear friends with. Big time Yankee fans, so we talk all the time. He's living in California. He's at the Bobby Ball Agency. Mike was his assistant, and they asked me if I was interested in being

a commercial actor, and I was like, I know nothing about this. I know nothing about commercial acting. I know Dick about Dick, you know? So I fucking, I did what most people would do. I lied, and they asked me if I had ever done a workshop or anything, and I said, yeah, I'd done a workshop in Seattle or some shit. I lied, you know, what you usually do, because you figure that you'll catch on late. I mean, how much different is a commercial from acting? I didn't know, but I was about to find out the easy, the hard way. So I signed with them. The first audition they sent me on was Church's Motherfucking Chicken. I still remember the location on Sunset. I'll never forget it. I walked in there, and I immediately shipped

my pants. There was, you know, 20 other comics in there, and 30 other actors. Immediately I thought about my life, and I said, there's no chance of me getting in there. I did what they told me. I signed the list. I waited for somebody to say, Joey Diaz, come in. I went in there. I took the direction. I left there feeling like fucking, you know, Johnny Bananas, and I got dick. And then an hour later, I got a call from Doug Stanhope at the time, and he calls me and tells me that Judy Brown, aka Judy Mormel, one of the best managers in the business today, she manages Whitney and Burt and Sebastian Manizcalco. I've known her since Colorado in 1992, 1991, 1993. I've known Judy Mormel. I got a call from Doug

Stanhope that Judy Mormel was looking for me to read for the Jenny McCarthy show. I was going to drive Chaz Parmentary in some type of fucking scene. My head almost blew the fuck up. I'm here a fucking two months, and I'm going to meet Chaz Parmentary. So I'll never forget going into the room. It was Judy and a camera and another person and me just saying what I thought I was supposed to say and just eat a bag of fucking dicks. Just like those auditions I talked about before on the church when you walk in and they're like, thank you for coming in today. That read was fantastic. And I'm sure when you walk out there, look at each other and go, ooh, was he fucking bad? It was one of those situations.

I could feel it when I walked out there. I remember taking the fucking sheet of paper and just ranking it up and throwing it in the garbage and leaving that and like fucking it. All right, so now we're going to come to the moment of truth. So but I don't know, I'm frustrated. I'm broke. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. And I started, I forget what the fuck you call this. It's when you go and watch acting classes and shit like that, you go like, watch acting classes or what the fuck. And I had already taken a beating on the CBS show. We are not shooting. We were still like, it was still like in pre-production and stuff like that. They had given me a check already. It wasn't a big

check. It was just a little check just to hold me until they shot the pilot. It wasn't big money at the time. The money they gave me had to pay the girl from back. I owed her a fucking ton of money and she took fucking half of it right off the bat. So one day I was on Hollywood Boulevard and I saw a thing for a free commercial workshop, right? But I didn't read the fine print, right? You know, none of us do. We never read the fine print. So Wednesday at seven o'clock, I was off but it was on the other side of Hollywood Boulevard. So I go down to the fucking thing at seven o'clock and these people are dressed kind of fucking weird. You know, I'm like, wow. When I say dressed weird, the acting people had

suits on. The people who were teaching the acting. The one guy had the suit on and there were other people in the thing. I didn't know if it was an acting school. Excuse me, I didn't even know what it really was. I'm just looking around. You know, I'm an asshole, guys. It's 1997. I'm trying to learn my way around Los Angeles. I fucking go to this thing. It's a two hour workshop with a half hour Q&A or something. Whatever. I could live through that. I sit down, I'm taking the fucking class, but I'm noticing that while I'm taking this class, let's say there's 12 people in there, three hot chicks, the rest of us fucking vats loves or whatever, that there's more people watching us in the hallways and shit, that

there were in the class. And every 15 minutes, somebody else with a creepy suit on would come in and shit like this. So they taught us how to stand on the marker. They taught you, you know, what questions to ask the director. They were very helpful. I'm not gonna lie to you. This is shit. I didn't know. I didn't even know existed. I didn't come from an acting background. So I didn't really, it wasn't like I moved out there. I watched movies and I took pauses and I know beats and shit like that. But I didn't really know the whole in and out of commercial auditions. Me, I don't want to sit there for 20 years. I just want to know the basics of what we got to do. We'll do a couple of them and then move catch on.

Oh, well, that's what at least I thought in my head. I did this fucking commercial class. We finish. We do the Q&A. And then they go, by the way, we have a surprise buffet for you at the thing buffet. Half the shit I did in those things was based around the food. You know, like if if somebody was having something and because you're broke, you're a broke fucking comic. So anything anytime somebody gives you a gig, you're like free booze, free beer. Yeah. Yeah. So they said a buffet, whatever, you know, help yourself and ask about what else we have to offer here. So I go outside and sure enough, they got like little sandwiches like finger sandwiches and, you know, carrots and whatever fucking dip and whatever the fuck

people eat. I swallowed a few sandwiches and then they asked you about joining the commercial courses and all this stuff. And you know, as you know, we yes in the debt, you take the brochure. Hmm. Hmm. That's interesting. Is that what it cost? Oh my God. I could do that. Yeah. Let me just get a couple, you know, you start making excuses as a consumer. Let me come up with a couple of fucking things and let me see what I can put together and I come to the class and then the guy goes or this is beautiful. Or you could just suck my dick. No, he didn't say that. Well, it's the same fucking thing, you know, he goes or you could take an IQ evaluation and see you'd like to take a look at what we do here. And rather

I'm like an IQ evaluation. Yeah, it's a free IQ test. And we talked to you about the powers of your mind and what you should do. And all of a sudden he would fucking I looked down and he gives me like a fucking pamphlet and it's Al Ron Hubbard. It's fucking Scientology. It was Seekers to Scientology building the biggest. I think there's so many of them. There's one on sunset across from the mercy was born at the Kaiser. There's one in Los Feliz by fucking the chicken joint. That's huge. I thought that was a celebrity center. And then they have little deposits of them, like little they own so much fucking real estate. The fucking he believes that I got taken in by fucking Scientologists. Even your

Uncle Joe is a sucker every once in a while. We all make mistakes. I didn't suck that dick, though. Trust me, they weren't looking for a blow job, but I wasn't I wouldn't want to mind we blow. I wasn't looking to suck a dick. I was just looking to learn a free workshop. I wasn't looking to get over. I'm sure that they did a great job. I would have figured out a way how to get into that program. But I swear to God, this fucking guy says to me that he's, you know, would you like the IQ test or whatever? And I'm like, even that sounded interesting. An IQ test, whatever. I don't even know my fucking IQ is but fucking Scientology. Because if you'd like to take the IQ test and then talk to us about the

church and what we do here, fucking, I'm like, I don't know about that. You know, you know what I mean? Tell you something. I still remember the guy's name. His name was Mario. You know why? Because he sent me emails after that. After like 10 years after that, after I got the longest show, I got an email from and he was like, Hey, man, I see you doing great things. Would you like to come back and, you know, try our acting schedule and all this shit? And I was like, what the fuck? How does this guy still have my fucking? I mean, my encounter with him was probably May of 97. And he probably contacted me in 2006. So I was still in the Scientology fucking database or some shit. But to make a long story short,

I made $2,000. My first year of comedy, year and a half of comedy, I made $9,000 on my fifth year of comedy. 1996 was my fifth year of comedy. So for five years, I did everything that I could do $20 gigs, $5 gigs, $15 gigs. We got a keg of beer, you know, I wish I could tell you that, you know, there's a lot of stories going around that club owners paid with cocaine. I would tell you the truth. Nobody ever paid me with coke. I think two people gave me a lot of shit like that. But nobody, and you did what you did. You did what you did and you won an end. And I did it because I knew that I was getting stronger. You know, in their mind, they thought they were getting over on Joe Diaz. We'll make

them do 30 minutes. You know, we don't have to pay him. And all we have to do is pay the money. Like I told Mike, I knew the animal I was dealing with before I walked in there. You might think you're getting over on me by not paying me and, you know, keeping the money yourself. But in the long run, you're making me do the work. And that means I'm getting more out of this than you're getting more out of this. I'm getting fucking better with comedy once the switch got turned on. The switch was turned on from the beginning. But with me, I knew one thing. That it wasn't about money, that it would be about money later. It wouldn't be about money now. If I could go without it now, the money would come later.

I always knew that in comedy. I always knew that. The same way I knew that, whether you're a realtor, whether you're a fucking in a band, whatever the fuck you're doing, every time you're in that band, read all great bands' biographies. Read all their biographies. What do you think? They became Guns N' Roses overnight. You would hear about Guns N' Roses, and they hit each hike to their first fucking gig, and they broke down two times along the way, and then they had to get up to the gig, and they didn't know how they were going to get back. That's all part of the fucking journey. Like, I've always told people, you've never seen nobody go to an open mic with a Tester Rosa, have you? Nobody pulls up to a fucking

open mic with a fucking Bentley. You all go in there fucking, you know, some people have money, they're well off, but I'm not saying you go up there like fucking Johnny Chuch. You got to fucking pay your dues, and every time you go in there, it's going to be different. And yeah, they're going to laugh at you. They're going to fucking goof on you and say, hey, we made money off of you. That's great. I don't give a fuck. I got better because of you. I dealt with 40 fucking drunk fucking Navy guys because of you. You gave me that opportunity, so if you feel, you made what? You took home an extra 50 bucks? I fucking, I'm going to get that 50 bucks times fucking interest when I get fucking paid. So don't

think that you're doing something, you know, when you're working for a mason, and he's paying you eight bucks an hour, and he's making fun of you. You're learning how to fucking stack rock, or you're learning how to bend fucking pipe, or you're learning how to install fucking floor joints, or you're learning how to install beams, or how to fucking quark concrete. That's all part of it. You know, the Comedy Store pays 15 fucking dollars a set in the original room. When you watch the documentary, all they wanted to do is get paid. They didn't say about getting paid a ton of money. It's 15 dollars. If you do a spot from Monday through Saturday in the original room, you're taking home

a whopping 60 fucking dollars. So, you know, yesterday when I went into the Himalayan place, the girl asked me something that really fucked with me all night. She didn't ask me the wrong way, and I thought we were just making small talk, and she asked me if I had a hobby. And I was like, no. And then this morning at breakfast, I asked my wife, I go to a lady yesterday at the massage place, asked me a disturbing question. And she goes, what was it? And I go, did I have a fucking hobby? And I'm like, no, I don't have a fucking hobby. I used to have a hobby, which was stand up. When I got into stand up, that was my fucking hobby. That was my fucking hobby. And then I had a second

hobby. After I got into stand up, and I learned how to fucking rotate that for a little while, I got into another thing called acting. And once I got into that and started rockin' and rollin', you'll watch my episode of Marin. You'll watch the first time I was on my episode of Marin. When was the last time I tutored my fucking horn? I never really don't. Watch my first episode of Marin, and the second one, and everything I did after that. And even the longest shot, when I read the sign about tree outs, I had no idea what I was doin'. I'm talkin' about the end, how I got looser at the end. I didn't know what I was doin' when I got the longest shot. If you want me to sit here and tell you I

knew what I was doin', I had no fuckin' idea. Then over the after the longest shot, I learned how to take a character, figure out who the character is, look at all the scenes he has, and then what the character's arc is. Where my arc is. I had to figure all that out on my own. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. What I'm here to talk to you about is I took that Scientology fucking commercial class, which I forgot all about, and I was kind of embarrassed to say it. But now we got out. I didn't even mention this on the church. I never mentioned the story. How I took the Scientology commercial fucking class. You know what, dawg? I left there feeling a little fuckin' dirty, maybe? I don't know.

I think it was a dirty move on both of our parts. Let's just leave it at that. I was a little dirty on my move. It said a free commercial seminar, commercial acting seminar. It didn't say bring your own money, so I went there to see what I could get out of it. And obviously, they were there to see what they could get out of Uncle fucking Joey. And we both fucked and clashed, but I guarantee we both learned something from out of the experience. I learned how to read for a commercial. So I think after that, I probably went in for, if you want me to lie to you, I can. In those days, the commercial world was so fucking busy in LA in 97. I would get a call every night between 6 and 7 for a fucking

audition that would be at like 11 to 12 or 11 to 1. And God scouts honor, God's honor, I would get another call as I was walking out of that audition to go do another fucking audition. So five times a week, that's 10. Let's pretend I didn't have two a day. I think I was averaging seven fucking commercial reads a week. Six, seven weeks of that, you start learning different things. It's rough on your fucking psyche. You know, I'm not going to tell you that. At that time, I knew how to walk in, you know, after three or four times of people telling you, you know, most people won't come back. I kept going back to those things. And every time I would go, I would learn something different. I would watch this

guy. I would see a guy that had booked a commercial before that saw on TV. And I would pay attention to what his movements were. I would watch a lot. I think my number one hobby is watching. I love watching and I love learning and I love gathering information. I hate doing things when I don't have an understanding of it before I do it. I don't need to know everything about it. I just need to have an understanding of what it is. When it came to acting, you know, if you came to me tomorrow and said, Joey, you're not going to believe this Scorsese put me in a movie. I have one line in the beginning and I have a line in the candy store later on. I swear to God that it would take a guy like me four hours to get you mentally

ready. And that's if you've been in front of a camera before. I can get you mentally fucking ready, you know. But when you've been going through so much fucking rejection for so long, you get to the point where you don't know what the fuck you're doing. If it's right or wrong, you start doubting yourself. You know, even after all those 42 auditions where I ate shit, guess what happened? I walked into one. I've always told you, motherfuckers, you want to hear no from time to time. The problem with us is we're a work in progress and we hear no and we want to fucking fold right away because you hear no. The more knows you get means you're closer to a yes. You didn't know that. I love when people tell

me no. For you guys are the same girl. They're like, I can't find a woman. Keep asking. Keep asking. Keep asking. If you can't find a fucking woman, it's because you're not going on updates. You're not asking. You're not asking. You're not engaging. You're not, you know, you got, if you want something, you got to ask for it. Don't beat around the fucking bush. Ask for it. I fucking wanted to just book a fucking commercial in the worst way. I was ready to quit. I was fucking disheartened. And one day I got a call to go to Bundy Street. Last good thing that happened in Bundy was fucking OJ killed his wife. I'm fucking Bundy down there. Wherever the fuck that was. I had to go down to fucking Bundy Street. Bundy

had like the best fucking commercial place ever. They had like eight rooms every time you walked in there. There was 800 people. The place had this home dog. See, you became friends with the dog with a big ass German shepherd. He intimidated you at first, but for a while, you kind of liked the fucking dog. I went in there on a fucking Thursday, 4th of July weekend. The stripper had made plans. We were going to do some shit. We're going to go down the beach and all this. I'm like, I don't want to fucking, I just got rejected 40 fucking times. You know, I'm doing comedy at the comedy store. What the fuck do I give a fuck about a commercial? But my hobby, this is what I do. I'm trying to

fucking learn. I got to go down there. I walked into that fucking commercial. I don't know what he made me do. The guy's name was Kishka. That was the director's name. Kishka. I fucking went in there. I did what he told me to do. I walked out of there. I packed for my little fucking vacation and within an hour I had a call that Kishka wanted to see me the next day. Fuck. This is why you don't plan shit when you're a comedian. There's no plans day to day. There's no vacations because you're going to disappoint a lot of fucking people because every time you plan something on that week is when fucking they want to give you something. I go to the fucking callback and he tells me inside the fucking room, are

you available on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm like, what are you talking about? And he goes, I really want you for this commercial. You're my fucking first choice. I'm just letting you know before you leave that. I was ready to suck his dick. Do you understand me? I was ready to just nail, take his fucking white dick out and suck that Kishka dick. Where the fuck he was from? I just shook his hand. I go, thank you very much. I didn't believe him. I didn't fucking believe this guy. Why would I? Why the fuck would I? But I must have done something in that. He made me do 20 fucking things, drive, shine shoes. He made me do a thousand things like, you know, not actual shine shoes. Like

I was making believe I was shining shoes. I was making believe I was driving and talking to a guy. You know, all these little fucking things, reaction shots, fucking I get home, sudden Barton Benari calls me. They're like, hey man, you booked a fucking national commercial. It's a Taco Bell commercial. Are you allergic to dogs or some shit? And I'm like, no, I'm not allergic to fucking dogs. Why do you ask this? Because you'll be shooting with a fucking dog. To whatever. I'm like, oh my God, I booked a fucking national fucking commercial. Who? Oh my God. Well, Scientology, they did something right. They taught me something like that night. It gets better. I get down there Monday. I'm all happy. I shoot a national

fucking commercial about to shoot a national fucking commercial. I did some fucking snooping around. This guy Kishko was a big time fucking commercial director. He had done commercials all the time. Oh my God, I get down there. And before I get saying anything, the girl goes, Joey, how are you? Great to see you. Fucking sign over here. And she goes, before your trailer, can you go to Mr. Kishko's trailer? He's waiting for you. He needs to talk to you. I go, okay. And I walk over to his trailer. I'm whistling, you know, me dog. I just booked a national fucking commercial. I'm an ex felon. Fucking people saying I'm too old. People saying I'm too dirty. People saying I'm never, I don't have a chance. I just booked a national

fucking taco bell commercial. You fucking bitches. I get to the trailer. I knock on his door. He opens the door. He goes, Joey, do you have a minute? Sit down. I go, yeah, he goes, I don't know how to tell you this. I do not know how to tell you this. We're shooting four commercials. But somewhere along the line, they canceled your commercial. They canceled your commercial. So can you do us a favor? We don't know. We feel terrible about this. So what we're going to do is we want you to come to work. Just come off three days. We want you to be the first one here on the fucking lot. And the last one to leave, we want you to get overtime. We got tons of food. We want you to eat until you're sick. And we want

you to take fucking food home with you. I was like, fine, I'll do all the fucking above. So I went in the fucking room and I cried. I cried for about three minutes. Again, you know, the world hates me. My dad died when, you know, I was three. My mother died. I didn't start freshman year in basketball. I had to quit high school. I ended up doing drugs. My daughter got taken away from me. Why? Why? Why? Playing fucking violinist for myself. All the shit I had done. I knew this was a waste of time. I knew nothing was going to fucking ever help me get over this fucking thing. And nobody was going to fucking help me. And after my fucking two or three hour little Joey Diaz cry fest, as we all fucking

do, I went out and they knocked, somebody knocked on the door. Lunch. And I was like, lunch. Yeah, great. You know, I'm gonna go eat fucking lunch. And I went to lunch and I started eating lunch. And I was there with another comedian. Great, great fucking guy. You guys wouldn't know him. A popular guy at the time. I forget what his name is to be honest with you. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want to mention names. I just forget what his name is. He's there. So I feel at home. There's another comedian there that became my friend. I mentioned his name. And part of the story before his name was Buzz Beymundo. God rest his soul. He was a comedy store regular. I've been there since

day one with Mitzi. Just a great guy. Everybody loved him. You know, I remember telling somebody I was on the set with Buzz. And they were like, Holy fuck, you don't know how lucky you are. Ask him everything you can about comedy and Mitzi and the whole fucking thing. And I fucking, you know, whatever, whatever violin I was playing for myself, you know, we all feel sorry for ourselves. Here I am fucking eating filet mignon out in the fucking son of in Venice at a parking lot down the block from a fucking great pizza place. Everybody wants to be in Venice. Here I am. It's sunny out. It's July, you know, whatever. I got to meet a director. I'm here with two guys. I got, I booked, I booked, listen, I booked the fucking commercial

with talent. They just throughout the line, something happened and my commercial got canceled. That's it. I accepted it. And I said, I'm going to sit here for two days like a gentleman, not be mad at anything and just eat and just watch and observe and learn and see what the fuck is going on. So the fucking second day, Tuesday, I get there and it's the same thing. Hey man, great to have you here. Kiske comes over, gives me a hug. Hey man, keep your chin up. Hang out, eat, you know, me cost is your cost to do whatever the fuck you need to do. Lunchtime comes, da, da, da, da. Lunch, Joey, come to the trailers. I walk over to have a general seating area and for that, for that something happened that day and Buzz started

talking and we're all going off and we're all fucking talking blah, blah, blah, blah, we're having a good time. You know when you get me started sometimes, bro. And the words of the immortal Joe Rogan, if you give me a fucking opening, I'm going to go in there and close that motherfucking door. I don't have a lot of good attributes, but when I'm on a roll and you give me a small window, I will blow that fucking room up. The way I did Alex Jones, the way I did at the comedy store fundraiser, I just got a fucking way that if you give me the right fastball, like my man called me the other day, some guy on fucking Patreon said they should just call you Dave Kingman, because when you strike

out, you strike out. But when you go for the fucking, for the bleaches, Jesus Christ, you're knocking out of the fucking park. I must have been one of those conversations where I was on fire. So help me God. As I was walking back to my trailer to sit there for the next nine hours, Kisha goes, hey, you come here. I go, what's up? He's like, oh my God, you had me in fucking stitches today. Listen, I'm going to get you in this commercial if it kills me. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to get you in this commercial if it fucking kills me. He goes, today, don't sit in the trailer. Sit close to me. He goes, I want you to be on that fucking set. And I read somewhere

that whenever Gene Hackman did a movie, Gene Hackman refused to sit in this trailer. He always sat and watched because he always wanted to be on top of the fucking shooting. I took Gene Hackman. Right there in that moment, from 1997 on, I never walked away from the set. I was always close to a set. Yeah, I went to my trailer at times and take a piss, maybe bang one out, fucking smoking joint, whatever. But I'm always close to the fucking set because I want to see what was going on. So that there had to sit close to the set. Do you know that I wouldn't even fucking turn? I mean, I was there. And I wasn't in the director. I'm not into no that shit. I watched everything that happened. And there was one moment when

he goes, Joey, come here real quick. Just sit right there. He goes, I'm going to run the dog through. And I want you to sit right there. And he took the other comedian. He goes, hey, hey, come here. You sit right there. And I want you to make believe you're shining Joey's shoes. So the thing that I did in the audition while I was shining the shoes, they made him do it. And he put me there. And he goes, just improvise and talk to him. I don't give a fuck what you say. We're not going to pick it up in the commercial anyway, because we're going to have music as the dog is running down the fucking street. So fucking. I'm like, here it is. We start fucking. I'm laying out. Now they're shooting three commercials. They're

shooting an ecstasy commercial where the big fat guy from big city lights, the big football movie. What was the original big movie with the kid from Dawson's Creek that came out 20 years ago? That was the original three type of book commercial that we're going to use was a fat guy that opens up the refrigerator and finds food. That was the kid from that football movie from Dawson's Creek, whatever it's called. Friday Night Lights. That was it. Friday Night Lights. He was in there. He was on the set that day. He was shooting one commercial. Another actor that I had known, I didn't know his name, was shooting the commercial. But the commercial that they had thrown me into, what was the one that Buzz

Behmundo was in? Buzz Behmundo was hired to do that particular fucking commercial. So Buzz shot his scene already, whatever he had to do. And now they were just making the dog run down the fucking street and run around and blah, blah, blah, blah. Boom. He goes, get ready. I fucking get in there. Three or four tapes. I shoot it. He goes, hey, you never know. At least it wasn't a waste. I got you on tape. Maybe after we do the commercial and the commercial is in the flops. If you contact me, I could send you that real for your tape. I was so fucking happy. I came in Wednesday. I ate. I laughed. I had a great time. I shook his hand. I told him, thank you. You know, I found out they could have just

sent me home. He kept me. He put some money in my fucking pocket. You know, I don't know what they were paying me at the time, whatever. I was just thankful. I forgot all about that fucking commercial and that it happened. I still remain friends with the two guys, Buzz and the other comic. We went back and forth for a few weeks after that. I get a call one day and it's Buzz Bae Mungo and he goes, hey man, fuck. He goes, I just got a letter saying that they scrapped my commercial and they only went with a different thing and they took me off the, whatever the set was. I don't know. He didn't make the commercial. The bottom line was he didn't make the fucking commercial. All right, no big deal. I said to him, he

goes, did you hear anything? I go, no, I haven't heard nothing. I go, I didn't think I was going to get it anyway. I mean, kiss could just put me in there as a fucking favor. You know, I'm not going to get nothing. Holy fuck. I hang up the phone with him. I don't know what made me go outside. The girl I was living with at the time was, Joe, you got a mail. She throws me a fucking letter and it's son Barton Menari and that already paid me for the days, the three days work. Like when you shoot a commercial, you get paid within the first 30 days. When you shoot TV and film, you get paid within 10 days. It was maybe I got the check from the commercial. Maybe like I shot the commercial July 4th

weekend. We shot to like the sixth and the fifth and I got paid for those three days plus overtime. It was a great check. It was great money. I didn't get fucking rich, but this was like the beginning of August and when I opened up the fucking letter, there was a letter in it and like fucking $8,000 in checks, $9,000 in assorted checks. When you shoot a commercial, they have to pay you for every avenue. So they had to pay me for something called wildcard where they can put it any way throughout the day, two o'clock, midnight, three in the morning. Then they had to pay you for something else and then they had to pay you for prime time. If that commercial is going to add during prime time, they got

to pay you a certain amount up front and then after it airs, they'll pay you accordingly. So the first time it runs at eight o'clock, you get $200. The second time you get $400. The third time, I mean, it's insane, guys. I don't know how it breaks down. I know it's just insane. The four or five check, the three checks or the four checks I had gotten to prepay me for those things were like $9,000 and I was just about to start getting paid on A spots. So God knows what the fucking amount was I ended up making. Between us now, 23 years later, I'll tell you what I made from August 1st to December 31st. I made $80,000 off this one fucking commercial because it was the first one Taco Bell had done and it

was so successful, they couldn't plan the second one so fast. So the commercial ad, ad, ad, ad, ad, ad, and it even aired during the World Fucking series. Then Taco Bell came out with new commercials like in November and December, but it was too late. The dog was fucking tired from my run. This motherfucker had been played 150 fucking times. And what the moral of the fucking story is that that's amazing, that I stuck with it. And within one fucking year, there was a $72,000 raise. Who gets a $72,000 raise in one year? Don't worry about it. 98 and 99 I went back to being fucking dead and broke and that money was all snorted from. But do you understand what I'm saying to you? Hey guys, the moral of

the story today, Wednesday the 16th is we are a work in progress. If you fucking shoot yourself in the foot, every time nobody says no, or if you consider yourself failure is if you don't try something. That's what failure is. That's what complete failure is. It's you not even fucking trying. That's failure. Everything we do in this life is a work in fucking progress. When we did Beauty and the Beast, there was a work in progress. When we did The Church of What's Happened Now and a work in progress, and Uncle Joey's joint's going to be a work in progress. Right now, you might be looking at this going, what the fuck's going on? In time, we'll have guests. In time, we'll have a different studio. In

time, this will be something that you, I'm patient enough, I'm fortunate because I've done this 10 times already. I've known that this life that we live is a work in fucking progress. And if you do it right and you wake up every morning with good intentions in your heart, you'll make progress every fucking day. Every fucking day I make progress. You guys have seen it. You don't believe me? Right now. Go on a side by side and look at what I look like on The Church the last two months and look at what I look like now. It's two different fucking people. It's two different looks. I didn't get plastic surgery. I didn't get my eyelids fucking fixed or nothing like that. I didn't get wrinkles or bulldox or

nothing like that. I work. We're a work in fucking progress. You know, people work out for three weeks. They don't lose five pounds. They jump out a fucking window. I know that it might take four weeks just for your body to get adjusted to this diet and all of a sudden you lose 20 fucking pounds. If you don't stick with it, nothing's ever gonna fucking happen. We are all works in fucking progress. Works in progress every fucking day. If you judge yourself, if you get frustrated by your actions because you failed at something, no, take that failure. Look at it. Did you guys want to see you ever see the on night? Do you need those on those laws? Did you see when they were, you know, announcing the fucking results, how

he was looking at the floor or he was looking out into space. Next time those fighters are fighting and they lose, look at their faces and they're looking out into space because you get a chance to most, it's got to be the most humiliating thing for a human being to go through. When I bomb, I got an opportunity that I could just walk off the stage and walk off out that door and not have to see anybody. That's the opportunity I get when I eat a bag of dog shit. I just walk out the back. I don't need to see you motherfuckers. I go home, cry my fucking tear, and I got another show tomorrow night. But when you fight or you do something like that, the first thing that comes to your mind are all the things that

you did wrong. You start looking out. The reason why they're looking at the floor or they're looking out, sometimes they kind of clap to be good sportsmen or whatever. But the whole time they're thinking about what they did wrong to be on the end of the other side of what they thought was going to happen. Every time I go on stage and I bomb, I learn something. Every time I do a podcast, I fucking learn something. Every time. But I don't learn it by not doing it. So do yourself a favor and do me a favor and do the world a fucking favor. You work in fucking progress. Listen, I'm the first guy that shouldn't, and you guys are yelling at me going, you're a hypocrite. You're fucking hard on yourself. You say

bad things about yourself. I have to. I have to. Somebody's got to be hard on you. Somebody has to be hard on you. You know, my wife is hard on me, but not like to the point that I'm fucking hard on me. Hard on my podcast or my stand up or my writing. You got to be hard on yourself. You shouldn't demand nothing but the best from your fucking self. You owe that to your fucking self. For years, I didn't think I, oh, I went to prison. I did this. My mother died. I don't deserve it. I fucking deserve everything you guys fucking deserve and you guys deserve everything I fucking deserve. We all deserve to succeed, but it's not going to happen if you're scared to fail and it's not going to happen if you don't realize

that you are a work and fucking progress. I am 58 years old. You are 22 years old. I got you by 30 fucking years of hard, cold experience and knowledge and getting beat up every fucking day. That is why I'm here. I know what the fuck I'm talking about and I'm telling you in 2021 COVID, all this bullshit. This is all going to change and you're going to have your chance. All I want you to do is be prepared and remember there's nothing wrong with fucking failing. We've made that like, oh, well, it's a goof. It's a joke. You fail. You actually won because you're going to come back that much fucking stronger. And that's it. I don't want to talk about this no more. I want to talk to you about something

that's hot and popular and he's got my support. I don't know if you guys have been noticing this for the last month or so, maybe two months. Sammy DeBugovano has been releasing just little excerpts. As a matter of fact, I've been watching Sammy little release tapes that he's just releasing on little stories. Every day he releases a story on the internet. Have you noticed that, Mike? Have you been watching those? Every day. Alleyboy tells a story about when he was at the Colombo, when he almost shot. He tells you one story every day. Well, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to make you a bold prediction. You guys know I don't fucking fuck around with you people. The best podcast of 2021 is going to be the Sammy the Bold

podcast that premieres tomorrow, December 16th, and the 35th anniversary of him shooting Paul Castellano. Well, he didn't shoot Paul Castellano. He devised it with John Gotti. I'm not here to support criminals or whatever. I just know you guys like good stories. This guy's got a story to tell. He's going to tell it sincerely and he's going to tell it from the fucking heart. The problem you have, even as a podcaster, you know, I've had a couple of people or I had one that claimed to be a gangster's daughter. I think Ari had somebody who was Pablo Escobar's fucking daughter or wife. People don't want to hear from second-hand accounts. They really don't. They really don't give a fuck. They'll watch. They'll listen

to what you have to say. People want to listen to the real deal. Listen to me. Sammy the Bold is the real deal. Yes, things happened. Well, he's a rat, Joey. He did this. We all did a lot of things. Sammy is a crook, but if you know anything about him, he's a gentleman, and this podcast is really going to open up a lot of people's eyes. This guy's got a lot of fucking knowledge, a lot of knowledge. And if you like this sort of stuff, he's going to have FBI people on there, daughters, handlers, ex-fucking gangsters that were there with him. This ain't some guy just talking for attention. This guy's not that type of guy. When this guy was a full-time gangster, mafia didn't have a gumad, didn't go out at night, refused

to go out at night, hated living like that, hated all that shit. He was true, real, secretive, quiet, cosinostra. Later on, things developed with him and John Gotti. I don't know. I wasn't there, and neither was you. So let's find out why he read it. Tomorrow, it premieres on YouTube, December 16th. I think they shot Casalano on 85, maybe. So we got to be talking about 15 and 20. That's 35 years from the anniversary. Fuck it. If you murdered somebody 35 years ago, it's on the on. It's forgotten by now. Who gives a fuck? Knock yourselves out. Have a great week, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you for listening. Remember, it just works in progress. I'm sorry, it works in the projects. Who the fuck works in the projects

here? Well, works in progress. Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself patience. Have a plan, and you'll get the way you need to go with in time. I love you guys. Thank you for watching, Uncle Joey's joint. What the fuck? And now, for a word from our sponsors. Alright, I had a good time with you, motherfuckers, today. We talked about some crazy shit. I don't even know what the fuck I talked about. God, my only nose. But listen, before we leave, I got to talk to you about something. Basketball is back. Football is in full fucking swing. College football is in full effect. The Big Ten is back. The Big 12 is back. The SEC is back. The ACC is back. And next week, the NBA is back. It's like fucking herpes. Everybody's

back except you. You're not fucking working. So if you haven't signed up for DraftKings yet, now is the motherfucking time. To celebrate the return of basketball, DraftKings Sportsbook is giving you a 75 point spread on the team of your choice. Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? That's right. You'll get a 75 on opening night. If your team doesn't lose by more than 75, you will double your fucking money. There's so many games right now. Basketball, college, fucking Chinese ping-pong. You can make some Geetus. Walk the war, Geetus. If you haven't signed up yet, now is the time. Right now, today, we got games tonight. You got college basketball tonight. You got preseason NBA tonight. You got the NFL tomorrow. What the fuck are

you waiting on? Download the app right now. It's safe, secure, and reliable. It's your fucking money. Deposit at your convenience and withdraw at your convenience. Right now, today, why are we having this fucking conversation? Every fucking week I'm here telling you, they got an online casino. They got prop bets. They got everything. You can fucking listen. Go to DraftKings right now. Why am I even fucking having this conversation with you? DraftKings Sportsbook right now. DraftKings.com. Use code Joey and get a shot at doubling your money on opening night of basketball. Right? Limited time only. That's DraftKings Sportsbook. Right now, tonight. Download DraftKings Sportsbook app. Use promo code Joey and when you sign

up, I'm going to give you a 75 point spread on opening night for a shot to double your money. All right? Now we got that fucking settled. I got talking about what the lawyers make me say. You got to be 21 and all, but that's it. If you're 18, go fuck yourself. New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Tennessee, you're only. Deposit bonus requires a 25-time playthrough. Restrictions do apply. See DraftKings.com slash Sportsbook for details. Now, if you got a gambling problem, I don't want you lurking around here. You little creepy fuck. You got thrown on OTB. Now you're over here bothering me. Don't come over here. Get, take care of your problem. There's help for you. Call 1-800-GAMBLER or if you're in Indiana, call 1-800-9

with it. But if there ain't no fucking problems, what are we fucking waiting for? Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app right now. Use code Joey and let's make some fucking Christmas money. The joint is also brought to you by, I told you in the beginning of this, you're looking for a gift for somebody. Everybody needs to eat, right? Unless you got fucking freaky vegan friends, then you can send them a dozen eggs, come and go fuck themselves. But if not, United Harvest is the gift for you to send. There's a lot of companies out there that sell you meat in the box. I agree with you. But it never looks like the fucking pictures. But the time you get the meat, it's that mafia meat they send to Las Vegas that

they dip in chemicals and shit like that. Not with United Harvest. It don't taste like the cardboard they sent to them. These guys, United Harvest, sent me a box of meat. Forget about it. Tremendous. Pork bellies, ribs, briskets, chops, sausages, a lamb, and a rib eye that's fucking tremendous. Plus, they got a New York, their New York strip from the cows that eat potatoes, not fucking corn. These cows eat better than you do on most days. And you can taste it in the rich flavor of the meat. Lamb chops so tender, they fall off the bone. I don't eat lamb chops. My wife loves them. And she says they were fucking tremendous. Plus, the Wago beef is tip top fucking magoo. Everything gets processed in

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I'm a cheeto vegetarian, then why are you in front of these people? Do yourself a favor. Go to UnitedHarvest.com, use promo Code Joey at checkout. I'm going to give you 20% off your order when it's over $50 or more. Stay out of the grocery store, all right? I'm saving you here from COVID. I'm saving you here. I'm giving you a chance to get great meat at a great price, value, quality, flavor, and convenience. Check out UnitedHarvest.com and be sure to use promo Code Joey to save 20% off your order of $50 or more. It's also brought to you Uncle Joey's joint from my peeps over there at CBD Lion making it happen. Not like this shit you get at some fucking liquor store or some fucking shoe store or, you know, these

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delivered right to your motherfucking crib. Who else does that for you? Nobody. I want to thank CBDlion. I want to thank UnitedHarvest.com and I want to thank DraftKings, Sportsbook for always being there and always there for you also. I want to thank you guys for watching the show. I love you. Have a great weekend and I'll see you guys next Monday, Christmas fucking week, ready to get this party started. I love you motherfuckers. Stay black. That's it. Nothing but smoke. Hopefully the fire alarm will go off. I don't fucking know. Thank you.