Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 02/27/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #59

Episode Date: February 28, 2013

Mike Dolce and Ethan Suplee call into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount. Streamed live on 02/27/2013

oh shit warriors come out to play a that's it oh shit mother fucking leave mixing it up over there for you this morning little warriors little ice fucking cube D whoever hit it like everybody Wednesday February 27th the last Wednesday in the month even Chinese people don't come out today you know the flying Jew your uncle fucking Joey mad flavor Lee hit it it's Wednesday motherfuckin what military force and we don't want you the flying 90 fuck yeah you know it's not what the shit that I'm saying make sure it's her mother fuck you and your punk ass get over what Lee oh Wednesday motherfuckin

church or what's happening now get up get up watch that fucking pussy get out there and stab somebody in the fucking neck they're waiting for you there's an asshole out there waiting for you to fuck it you know I'm saying it's a beautiful Wednesday morning sitting here my main man Lee the flying Jew Syat oh shit smoking dope how you doing buddy I'm doing awesome are you fucking feeling good yeah make those videos yo I am tired with the fuck tired your 24 cock sucker I don't want to get tired no more in your vocabulary hi there's a fucking mind I'm working fucking 80 hours a week you know what you're going

there you sit you dumb you look at fucking videos don't you listen to Pete Holmes is podcasting shit and him and the other guy watching a movie that will be blood don't fucking lie to me then you come home and you have insomnia because you don't smoke that fucking herb when you come home you're wired at six so you're up to 11 I see you on Facebook doing Jew pictures and shit like that the issue is I fall asleep but I wake up after four hours so I do need to start smoking a little bit more but uh yeah I had the shit that I'm saying make sure it's her mother fuck you and your punk ass get over but I had last night off

surprisingly so I'm all set I don't want that tired no more 24 you shouldn't be tired you should be living on three two hours a night I don't know how that's letting dick doing drugs jumping up and down that's not just going to work and eating you come home and you sit here till you have to go back to work how can you be tired you get from six to fucking five that's 11 hours how can you be tired you should be up at one with the birds flying with a skateboard I can't do a skateboard balance what do you mean no balance I fucking do I can't do got fucking balance they could dance they could do a lot of this one like

Puerto Rican check my office is really huge so they have you know those little razor scooters and even though I can hold on to I can barely go a few feet I'm awful at it razor scooters yeah yeah like the little it's like a little scooter that you like you just go are you fucking serious yeah these fucking people are lazy you know they're it's a big office but they are big office yeah anyway this fucking guy this this society is getting strong to fucking school to get around the office you believe this shit and they were all obese because it and they but everybody wants to blame McDonald's not gonna be

fucking walking around get out there the sun's shining if you're in the East Coast it's fucking raining if you're in the Midwest get your fucking shovels cock suckers and tofu you better how you better call an Eskimo from Alaska to come down because it's fucking cold the whole thing that's one thing about Southern California weather stays nice I mean you know any day now the fucking Earth is gonna start shaking the buildings don't land on my fucking head don't say that between whatever we're okay the weather's nice I got the wheat stores you got 7-eleven what's going on with you cock sucker nothing just did my

taxi yesterday got that out of the way paid the fucking government way too much money it's amazing when you pay them oh Jesus fucking Christ it's amazing when you know like I tell people have you eaten in Arizona go to Arizona next time you go to Arizona yeah water food yeah wait till the check comes and you die you go wait a second the entree was 1995 I got a soda for two bucks how can it be $21 yeah it's a worst here everywhere else no no no there's no taxes there's no sales tax on there in Nashville so when you go to these places that's when you notice it oh you're in LA and you buy something for five bucks and they

come back and it's seven fucking 80 it's 10% here so yeah so you're like what the fuck did I spend my money on you're like so you could see the contrast you see a big difference when you pay those fucking taxes they hurt dog when you write that check you get fucking dizzy you start thinking about going AWOL fuck the government especially after every week I don't know for other people but the amount I'm making I take it they take 30% out basically I'm working I'm working 10 days out of the month for free and they still take more than the budget cuts on Friday but I didn't even see that what's going on there's budget cuts I

don't know bomb is going up against fucking Congress now you know but the bottom line is you're gonna let go air traffic controllers they're gonna let go a fucking TSA agents there's gonna be less fucking DA's less cops on the fucking street so you know what millionaires like Mitt Romney's paying 17% that's what I'm talking about here so it's let's see what happens let's see what happens you know this flying shit is a fucking paining ass as it is if I got to be there two hours before I fly they didn't fucking worth it ain't fucking worth it two hours but add to the fucking six I gotta be in the fucking ass dressed up

the plane's going down there's an Arab with firecrackers there's always fucking something you know anyway I played a little sec I'll pay little Lee I'll tell you what man I'm old and my memory is shot I'm sorry I apologize to you guys for months we gave you movies and stuff like that I just want to give you fucking movies that hit you knock you off your feet about a week ago I went to a buddy man's house to see his kids and just fuck around the afternoon I had to pick up a tape or something okay and he was watching the redone warriors they redid it like not redid it like you know how they digitally oh shit it's fucking clean

even the shit you showed me on your computer it's clean yeah that's why they put it up there cuz to show people this is a whole new redone warriors and it was up to that part mm-hmm you know when he's like warriors come out to play and all that shit now I'm gonna give you a little something not because I want to show you like a lot of podcasts you know I want to tell your story just so you hear about motivation for people want to be actors cuz Jordan thanked me yesterday you know Jordan Lee Jordan Lee thank me he got picked up by an agent oh nice he hit me up and we talked a little bit and it's crazy because I'm an

act I'm a fucking stand-up comic nitty-gritty style but I was also always in love with the acting like I like movies I really like Charles Bronson not that he's an Academy Award with an actor but what the fuck was I talking about oh movie so what you know one of my biggest fucking thrills ever was getting along this year I was very fortunate for that I hustled that I made my own audition tape and sent to it a lot of people are not they want to see me they wanted to see stars but fuck that shit we don't stop you at the church what's happening now we're not leaving juicing it fuck these motherfuckers

gotta suck your dick once you know something in your heart fucking go for it right so I put this audition tape together I sent it in and I get this movie and I meet with them and they tell me what they expect from me I meet with the director and I go to wardrobe and do all that shit then I gotta call I gotta go to the table read okay that's where you all get together and you read the script everybody who's in the fucking mood yeah and they could they call back and they go no no no no you just pack your bags you guys doing the table read you're gonna launch and then you're flying to Mexico to start shooting the

movie wow so I get to this fucking thing and then they I go upstairs they got catered food there's burnt rentals you know from 30 feet away that there's the old woman who's that old old woman that's really bad right now she's she's old she was she's on that show with the fucking baby on Fox great Garcia's new show I have no idea she's no lady anyway I see her she's a star I see Michael Irvin I see Adam Sam I see Chris Rock I see all these people and my legs are getting fucking weak you know but my legs they even stuck getting weak so I seen David Patrick Kelly that's the actor that plays the bottles

and he says worry here is come out to play as a matter of fact I'm gonna have that motherfucker calling the podcast oh great I remembered this yesterday when I so one day in New Mexico him and I were hanging out and I because he's my fucking idol listen he was Luther in 48 hours and he's that guy that with the bottles these are a thousand other projects but I loved him 48 hours and I loved him as fucking Luther I love the other way around I love them as Luther in 48 hours and I love them in the Warriors and dirty look so when they were talking and he was telling me how he came up with that yeah first off guys

this motherfucker was a drummer in a band with like Bruce Springsteen or something fucking something crazy there Patrick Kelly and then later on one day his buddy who was in the band with him asked him to cover for him because he was in the play and DP fucking covered and that was night that Walter Hill came in to watch the play and the rest is fucking history my friend that's what happened Walter Hill auditioned him and he got this role but he said that when he first moved to the Bronx in the 60s he had long hair from Detroit he lived in the Bronx there was a gangsta live downstairs and every night the gangsta

would get bottles and play them together and go dirty hair come out to play yay cuz he hated him cuz he had long fucking hair and hence that's where he got that fucking whole thing from so that's how these fucking crazy actors get that shit from so I respect that part of it where he took it from somewhere else in his life and look he put it on the fucking screen you follow me that's a bad motherfucker right there Lee what else cock suck I tell me something good then we hit you with ghetto forget about it it's fucking Wednesday the last Wednesday of February you know like I said even Chinese people stay home it's a bad

luck day but for the church of what's happening now we go out there I was gonna talk to you about juicing but why kill these people my doche is calling a little while great we're just talking about juicing that's it so today's a fat man alert fat man love your fat fuck get your earphones put down those scrambled eggs get a peach or a fucking pear or whatever you got in your house and listen to the goddamn show you I want to set an app up where your phone can tell if you're in like a fast food place and it goes fat man alert fat man alert in the name I believe I'm gonna put an app that you drive when you're

driving your fucking car just blows up you'll walk around with a stub like that guy I killed this girl from the fucking south you'll be flipping up and down with those flappers that fucking guy kills this girl for those fucking dirty he shoots into the bathroom that's fucking intense come on he shot that bitch while she was pissing didn't even get her a chance to stand up like a fucking soldier you shoulda won't when she's sitting pissing motherfucker yeah the music from his black history hit me a little Rick James Lee's motherfuckers break out the fucking crack pipes cocksucker come on baby it's Wednesday you know oh shit

wiggle funk with Joey Lee hit it oh shit oh shit look at you my wiggling he's gone up oh I know look at you oh shit oh shit see you can do a particular hit it hit it Lee who else is wiggling at six in the morning no no and smoking dope with three hands I got vapors I got water I had a protein shake at me so my ass I was about to buy it at least what oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit you bad motherfuckers watching today testicle test miss tonight that's gonna be awesome I can't wait I've been fucking crying right and shit remember my sins you

don't leave they finally dawned on me I'm a fucking Senate you know that that's me that's me dog I'm a fucking Senate what do you know what you undo what made you have that realization when I was writing this testicle test with dog I fucked up well luckily your Catholic long enough to do is confess no thank testicle test yeah you know that the confession part is easy of it I got you guys to confess on the podcast and tell my fucking stupid stories that it's living with yourself yeah really and that's what this testicle testing was about this wasn't about the crimes I did to people this was the crimes I did to

the people who loved me mm-hmm and the people expected more from me but I wasn't doing it to them I was doing it to me by that point in my life for you know three years before you right now you're 24 years old mm-hmm you got the world by the balls think of being 21 having no fucking home no nothing the only thing I had was cocaine mm-hmm a couple pair of jeans and that's it I don't know how the fuck we even get got here I can't even put that correlation with this mm-hmm so writing this has been a fucking a nightmare for me I mean it really has because it was six months that I heard nobody but me you know I'm

saying did you kind of block it out no I think I realized that all the work I've done was to eliminate that mm-hmm was to eliminate what I put together what I did to myself those six months all this little work that I've done so yeah it's a it's pretty crazy you were talking you were like your homeless for a point during that period and you know sleeping on people's back yards coming down off coke and coming down off coke feeling bad about yourself you know if I would have gave it another week I would have fucking stabbed myself something bad would have happened that's when I was breaking into people's houses to sleep

I would break into your back window just to sleep just to get four hours of sleep just to wash my face and go back out there and start stealing whatever fuck I was doing against it was fucked up man that's why now we're living like a fucking kid yeah the car we come up I see in the morning we talk to these fucking crazy lunatics we smoke nope are you the energies out motherfucker it's a beautiful ones they can't stop you know you got up and made an effort for yourself and especially with the people who helped you because I can I bet like the reason why most people are homeless like for a while is because there must

be it must just be like a once you be homeless it must be hard to stop being homeless because you can't get a job and then you can't well it's a private issue you're right it's a you're going down all these stairs but for me at that point I had fucked every door that was open to me mm-hmm my friends liked me but they were kind of all like what the fuck dog yeah we want to know about this we didn't want to know about this homeless situation because you shouldn't be there you know in those days you had the opportunity to sell coke and you know he had a job I was doing a thousand things but I didn't want that I wanted

to put all my energy into partying and I didn't want I wanted to save the 800 a month yeah I mean you know I wanted to save the 800 a month I thought in my head I could just I don't even know what's in my head didn't know it was in my head yeah but I've been smoking more fucking reefer that's cocaine everything would have been beautiful you follow me but it's weird when you think of your life and you write these little parts of your life where you didn't even know how it affected you yeah you know I thought all this shit before that affected me fuck no that conversation with my uncle when I tried to rob him

for a month you know I called him last night I'm the way home from kickbox I went to kickboxing at 8 that's funny I was thinking about him because for 20 fucking years I hated that motherfucker I used to call him and just hang up on it from all over the country I remember being in prison and we had pay phones yeah and I would fucking call him and say in Spanish with like a fag voice like that the guy who kept calling my toy the fucking guy from Notre Dame with the fag voice and telling me was a chick yeah I would call him up and say I'm gonna kill you they want my time they want my time he goes I know who this is my

phone he's never brought it up lately but I used to call him that was the hatred but I hated him not because he did something bad to me I hate him because he called me out yeah I hate him because he told me what I knew but I didn't want fucking here and what those words he said to me made me get up well my fucking ass improve myself to myself yeah because it's the last fucking at the at the end of this whole fucking thing the only person you got to prove yourself to is your fucking self fuck your mother fuck your father fuck the neighbors fuck those white people you work with the BMW if you ain't happy fuck those motherfuckers

you know yeah and that's the always been my fucking claim to fame that'll give fuck you got to be happy at the end of the day you got to prove it to your motherfucking self fuck all these jerks all surrounding you fuck them I do this for me dog I do this because to overcome what was in my you know till today I feel bad till today I feel like a fucking loser every day what the fuck I do for a living I get up and I talk to these fucking mooks and I go on stage and I crack fucking jokes that's not a living there's people after I get up and do construction and and dig trenches and shit like that you know what the fuck

is this how lucky am I yeah you know so you know what do I do what what science what have I fucking done what gene have I cut what kid have I saved what fucking fire that I turn out what fucking robbery that I stop you follow what I'm saying to you in today's society we look at the wrong fucking people you know and okay I get you started I make you laugh a little bit whatever the fuck but who sits around listen to a doctor do a podcast about you know cancer cells I don't in fact I'm gonna look up doctors who say fucking midget to cancer very specific practice what the fuck you're saying why not no but I can tell

you for me like when I like being having times when I've been depressed and stuff having comics and like watching comedy or listening to podcast it does help and I I see it from people who tweet at you and it I don't know how it was back when there wasn't stuff like the internet and Twitter but with the internet now and anyone can see no matter where you're performing I mean and I can it does make a difference well I'm happy I'm happy you look at it I'm happy I'm happy that you know you look at it that way I just sometimes think what the fuck I might as well get a gun to shoot people because there's no fucking

difference yeah I'm still a criminal you know I mean this is criminal this is criminal this is criminal but this is America yeah we could do this we could fucking tell you people in Cuba get up at 6 in the morning and get on a fucking computer with a camera and some fucking thing in front of you I don't know what you created here I feel like Pat Benatar with this fucking dish in front of my face and say what the fuck we're talking about and say fuck a thousand times and talk about reefer and smoke reefer come on now yeah that's the beauty of these motherfuckers don't see that I do see that's the fucking beauty though

mm-hmm and do you ever I don't want to say worry but especially with your daughter and all the podcasts and the writing the book now is that why it's affecting you like are you worried when she's gonna read it or like how do you think it's gonna affect her it's not she's not gonna think about she's not gonna know what I do you don't think she's gonna read the book fuck no when she's dirty and I'll be a long fucking gun you know I'm saying I mean dog I'm 50 mm-hmm she's eight weeks old by the time she's 10 I'm 60 yeah by the time she's fucking 15 going to the problem 65 people gonna say who's that your

grandpa people already asked me are you a fucking grandpa no I think there's a lot people having kids at your age right now oh now you know they was talking yesterday about somebody's body at 70 with somebody's body at 30 you see that no bodies there was some channel yesterday I don't want to get involved with if I don't really know they were saying that somebody who's 70 50 years ago now has the body of a 30 year old or feels like he's 30 something just outrageous wow because people are really taking care of themselves I never thought I'd be going to kickboxing three times a week and going to the Y once or twice a week

or going to a yoga yeah I never fucking thought at 50 you're fucking crazy I thought I was never gonna work out again after 38 and I'm having more fun now doing it that hour and a half I go fuck around you know just pushing that fucking baby car sometimes I get like I'll go home this morning talk to her for a little while we breakfast excuse me the fucking thing gave me gas I'm not even fun yet and you know we just walk like two miles to that park yeah and I walk around in circles will and I walk home just a little fucking thing yeah getting out there and doing all this shit just I think what it is and for me

well what it is for me when I like when I was younger 30 seemed like ancient ancient and now I'm working and it doesn't seem it's only five years away oh god 40 seemed ancient when I was 20 fucking 20 40 fuck but that's why I never even thought about it because I thought it's gonna be dead and my point is for I mean I can't I want to speak for you but you don't seem like you feel old and you would have thought probably three years ago you thought 50 was ancient and you probably have to listen before you do anything before you see success you have to see it and everything starts in your fucking mind

that's why I get pissed at you when you say those words tired mm-hmm you have no fucking idea what tired is the problem with you is the next thing that you're gonna do is go get a sleep study yeah and take care of this sleep happening you're not sleeping that's why you don't sleep past four fucking hours because you're choking yourself and your mind is like why are we gonna keep doing this shit yeah imagine if I just came over and sat on you every fucking 30 minutes or two minutes yeah that sleep happening and you know what it affects you that's why I had that doctor call in because I need you guys to go out and get a sleep

study nip it now nip it now like they should have stopped Hitler and Munich correct yeah if you nip it now and don't disrespect the Japanese being a nip joke with the no what I'm saying here is that a nip it now so it ends yeah because you don't want it to get where I'm at right now like right now I got to practice sleeping without a fucking machine what if the lights turn off what if there's a fucking earthquake yeah after three days there's no electricity and I gotta sleep we protect my family so every once in a while I practice on a fucking chair and I'm doing it I fall asleep at three four hours I don't wake

up grabbing your chest yeah and choking the death like some fat chicks sitting on your face that doctor Kong was one of the main reasons why I started losing weight cuz I I'm a really picky not I want to pick you but a picky sleeper like I can't sleep I don't really like sleeping on my back and I was no it's not that you really don't like sleeping on your back it's that you can't well yeah and I and I'm not putting you down no I had the same fucking problem I was even my stomach we discussed this already I didn't want to I didn't think I could sleep with the mask on or like it always pop off like my dad had it for a while

and he said it always pop out he'd always wake up and be gone and I was thinking oh I'll just have the surgery but when he said that's not really effective but losing weight is that's one of the main reasons why I decided to start doing this you're badly the fuck we've had this conversation you're a bad motherfucker who you think you're dealing with some novice internet sensation though let's get shot out it's a beautiful day to be alive get up wash your pussy wash your asshole do what the hell you got to do here all right I'm fucking highly you can't be smoking that dope I'm sorry man what am I gonna what are you gonna

do with me all right you cock suckers here you go George Kemper Jeff Hamburg Chuck Babsworth or Doddsworth Matt DC Freddie Dinion Bobby Zim eights diesel fucking guys pap the guy spot podcast eights diesel it's a good man like that little John and blogger fucking Jake whatever his name is I love you motherfuckers I tell you that this podcast today is brought to you by honest no you didn't guess I fucking did a nice protein shake this morning I don't like Einstein does it okay I got the element chocolate hand pen I put a fucking couple bananas in there who just a little slab of peanut butter got the

muffler going to get everything fucking clean up you know say but time I leave y'all be farting in the car I get back in the car now a lady still smells like the core of the fucking asshole you ever do that you ever fart in your car right before you love dumping you get back in there you almost gag yourself to death you got to open up all four windows yeah take a shoe off to throw it off anyway listen to me that fucking chocolate have never stops tasting good sometimes you drink something chocolate and it's delicious and you can never get that flavor again like when I was a kid the pool hall where I got the quail at the

Lucy Snowbush's pussy downstairs was a pool hall it's called Columbia Hall and downstairs was a pool hall but upstairs is a bowling alley okay and for some reason they had those machines with the two fucking nipples sticking out you ever see those no you put your cup to and not as a person the people behind the bar the people that are waitresses or waiters would push the machine and milk would come out okay it'd be creamy fucking milk and I don't know what the chocolate fudge they used to put in and he had a long spoon like a coke spools just made chocolate milk just make chocolate milk it was the best I drink

19 of them at night no beer no cocktails and I would just smoke reefer eat a quail and drink chocolate milk something but the fucking pool hall some chocolate milks are just delicious listen everybody likes chocolate milk that's not how to understand how you drink you who because you who's so watery but I grew up on you and it's just a fix but fucking child there's nothing better than chocolate milk everybody knows that a good chocolate milk you whip it up and shit like that and everybody has their own taste for chocolate like you I like white and black chocolate you like us we were talking about yeah I'm a fucking

fat man alert today Mike don't chase cool I got a fart brewing in my asshole like a storm lucky me oh yeah yeah it's a good one too I can feel it's gonna it's gonna pick me up like that you ever see when you fart you pick yourself up a little bit like that oh there you go God bless America motherfuckers it's Wednesday fucking hit it Lee give me some music a little Led Zeppelin something you sit no Lee you'll sell your cruise for these motherfuckers let's get these guys going for the spicks up there dead squad Harlem my Dominicans hit it Lee oh shit little sell your cruise going back to the old school what's that refill

you smoke the wrong where is it where's the fucking bag you have me what is a bad bitch right here this is this is the fucking heart beat a Cuba right here this woman we're gonna leave you a little way from oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit do it haha mama nobody out oh shit here Italy but I know we talked about it on Monday but this is reminding me did you see or do you hear the part of the Oscars when the woman sang gold gold finger that was a great fucking song when the trumpet fuck you and go figure fucking go for you talk to me about that shit was selling cruises on this is

shit I'm sorry this is 1978 throwing heat at what is Kimber I mean Kimber means shut your fucking mouth and mind your business that's what it means I don't fucking know I get people bouncing and shit I can't keep giving them fucking black Sabbath and Pink Floyd I gotta give them a taste of the fucking island of the flavor oh shit goodly ego ego for the fucking Greekians for the Dominicans for the Cubans for the Mexicans I love you cocksuckers you voted for Obama look what you got here

oh shit oh shit where's Jill and Mitsu up there up in fucking Seattle dancing all right I love it shut that shit low you what it would be fucking Spanish people here we're gonna get thrown out of the building you can't play Spanish music over here at seven in the morning I think you're fucking a yahoo that was the best part of the Oscars and my wife told me and I went online and found it her singing she used to when I was a kid she was like diamonds are forever yeah forever fucking spooky but I heard she fucking destroyed it so yeah and it's so funny listen like I said yeah I can't stand these fucking people no more I

can't stand these fucking thinking they're sophisticated waspy motherfuckers with their comments and their stupidity with those fucking Oscars I can't stand let me tell you something that's ethnic for that's a funny motherfucker yeah he did the best he could he went up there he did some fucking off-color jokes you know he danced he sang a song and he's but at the end all these motherfucking donkeys these white donkeys all they want is that Steve Martin with his glasses on they want the other fucking major Billy Crystal and more and they're fucking whoopee Goldberg if they don't have those four they have a fucking

heart attack these fucking dinosaurs like I want to see these four guys with their fucking glasses if I see one more fucking person with these fake fucking glasses on I can't I can't even wear these fucking things I really need them but I don't want people to think I'm one of those fucking idiots that puts glasses on like to thank people to make people think they're still smart or some what the fuck is wrong with you what the fuck is wrong with people yeah there I was on Facebook and some girl had a party some dumb fucking chick had a party and she took a picture with five people in Hollywood and they all had

those fake big glasses on I'm like look at these five fucking dick-sucking sheep that's what they are is fucking sheep and to make people think like they're sophisticated like glasses like if I go to the farmers market on a fucking Sunday and I see a mom with arm tattoos again I'm gonna stab one of you dumb dirty fake fucking bitches you understand me for years in this country we had a stab a motherfucker or suck somebody's dick or go to jail or stab a black guy or something to get a fucking tattoo now moms with little fucking hairdos are getting fucking on things it embarrasses me to know fucking

and the sheepish fucking country would become but enough with this this second the Fallen kid was tremendous the other night he was tremendous the part I watched of it he said a fucking joke that was brilliant he said a joke that was fucking brilliant which one do you remember he said that this show was being watched by over a billion people worldwide that's why Jodie Fox still be out here in the half hour talk to you by the privacy that is a fucking joke that's a carlin style joke the one about something that he threw Rian and Chris Brown that is a carlin written style joke respected for what it is you dumb

waspy fucking fake motherfuckers that always want to lay your fucking judgment on people you know it was amazing it just blew my fucking mind the kids saying a song about boobs or something like that I saw your boobs I saw your boobs you know he's just breaking up the night it's three and a half hours of watching the same fake fucking waspy fucks you understand me and that's all it is you know then they put the camera on Steven Spielberg when he loses you know it's just and you have to control and clap come on if I lose to some bum I'm gonna get up and throw a fucking chair at Ang Lee you fucking

fuck you kidding me or what I'm gonna sit there and clap and make believe it oh yeah if it wasn't me it should have been him can you imagine that shit ladies and gentlemen and today they're still gonna bullshit me with that where they have to work on that like all right if you lose what face are you gonna put on who you gonna look at that don't give a fuck me you lose your cock suck yeah let's get out of here and all you motherfuckers could suck my dick at this tape I'm like Tony Montana in 84 when he tells everybody to suck his dick at the restaurant you're all a bunch of fucking mummies I was gonna say if you

lost the camera we'll only get you walking out there no I'm gonna smack somebody if I lost I just I kicked the fucking tape all the suck my dick all these to suck my dick you cock suckers sorry about that I'm sorry it's all right times I get stoned and I don't take my blood pressure medication I come over here you know I love you Lee cock suck anyway it's a beautiful day to be alive Wednesday what time is I don't even fucking know 6 30 I don't even give a fucking time space at this point I'm 50 I got one foot in the grave pretty soon you're gonna be dunking trustless why what's the matter what happened no

nothing I don't even saw the podcast yesterday I want to yet I'm just saying with a time and space stuff oh I thought you were talking about one nut cock sucker no no it's funny how is he doing okay I don't know I haven't heard from I haven't spoken to anybody I've been on cognitive late okay if everybody else is cognitive I'm in cognitive you know me I go deep deep deep undercover I'm busy I got a week left so I'm trying to take care of 20,000 million fucking things for all you people that are buying t-shirts and sending me pictures thank you for the bottom my heart thank you for going to Joey Coco Diaz dot net no Joey Diaz dot

net and we got the hoodies we got the whole fucking thing over there so thank you for going over there watching buying some t-shirts and supporting the course the long-sleeved one helps everybody out here at the podcast the fuck we were you looking at me for like I owe you 20 bucks that you want to ask me like where's the 20 I gave you the other day you probably do you steal all my lighters what's going on I didn't steal your lighter cut right here all right they're stealing my bomb I take them home you come it's like a fucking Led Zeppelin out my bar you know what we're waiting I was a last night I was

watching there was nothing on TV and I the Cosby show came on and I was from 1986 and it was still fucking funny funny and he was I was thinking about it he was the first comedian really that like one of the first that I ever saw Bill Cosby himself I bought him on VHS tremendous and no one really talks about him when they talk about stand-ups what guy what was he like how big was he in the 80s first off he started on a show when I was a kid I think it was called not I spy what was the first show he was on with a white dude and look for it you know I remember watching the special mm-hmm but I'm not gonna be I'm

not gonna lie to you people he was on I spy he wasn't I spy I'm not gonna lie to you people once I see Richard prior and see what he brought we're gonna cook him and we'll finish this after Buenos Dias what's up brother what's up my man thank you very much for calling good morning my man Mike Dolce on the line what's up buddy not too much you know I'm actually listening to Joey Diaz the church of what's happening now you know starting off the day I hate you over there doing jumping jacks rubbing ban gan your feet fucking ginger snapped you're a savage that's what you know that's the way we do it I hear you my

friend what's been going on in your world I know you got a podcast you got another book you're a man of a thousand fucking things fucking busy man just like you busy grinding away trying to share the information you know with it with the good people out there we do have the new podcast the Mike Dolce show out we're kind of you know making our way through that having some fun in the process and just doing a deal man keeping people healthy who you working with now who's who you prepping for fights up next now next up we got Johnny Hendrix you know fighting Carlos Condit March 16th up there a Montreal Canada we got

Chelsea on and coming up after that Vtor Belfort Nick Lenz Tiago Alves coming back soon so it's gonna be a busy spring some of this here good for you I seen Tiago he looked tremendous I saw him down on West Palm Beach he came to the show freaking man yeah he looked really good very personable amazing amazing the reason why I wanted to come on the show our co-host here my main man the flying Jew Lisa at one of the Jews died in the seven days he's lost 35 pounds and it's popular it's the new big thing you know doge I can't stand kale I tried you know I'm real fucking you know I've been eating a salad at

night for dinner lately that's what I've been doing a nice little mild salad my wife makes me nice that's why I've been going to bed lately with a salad but as far as drinking it drives me fucking nuts up you I couldn't even drink the tea the active punctures came me two weeks ago for the but I want you to just touch on it I went on your book and I know that you have the kitchen sink and the baffle on there you only had two recipes I didn't know if on the newer books you have more recipes and yeah so you got living me living me we only got a couple of the essential juicing recipes but in the living lean cookbook man we

got a shitload of recipes we got recipes for breakfast lunch dinner snacks desserts post-workout we really did cram it up I'll send you guys out a couple books make sure Lee's got wedding eats over there thanks also you got a problem you with the kale Joey red grapes if you add red grapes few handfuls of red grapes to your kale shakes totally neutralizes because I know what you're talking about the kind of bitter little weird aftertaste you get from the kale some red grapes in there man it's fucking magic that's crazy because the salad my wife makes me has grapes in it and at first I kept asking a lot of

fucking people great for the shit yeah she's like trying to fuck with me man no shit so the grapes will take that flavor away I'm glad you said I put I put apples and grapes in mine yeah you know it's too late I put it up grapes in just by accident because I was putting in a whole bunch of stuff and it wasn't sweet enough like I could still taste it no I didn't want like I wanted to be able to enjoy it as much as I could so I put about three or six depending on the size of the apples and I throw in about four handfuls of grapes and taste like grape apple juice and it just that goes down that's the same thing man I add

enough sweet shit to fucking hide the dirt shit yeah I'm not no fucking superhero over here man that's a geniuses now Mike I the I don't know if you've seen it but there's a documentary out that that's inspired this for a lot of people that are called fat sick and nearly dead and they have a recipe called for mean green and a lot of people do it but what do you what are good things to juice for a lot because a lot of people have been asking me and I just do the recipes I find online sure the best things to juice or what's fresh what's live what's most natural because that's gonna give you the most nutrient

density it's gonna taste better because it is fresh and I like to mix you know carrots celery kale spinach lemon I'll throw some chia seeds in there I'll throw some hemp in there I will throw some on it hemp force in there which is an awesome product I'm a big fan of that I'll put certainly the grapes in there now we'll go some fruits I'll put some red grapes in there I'll put apples in there almost every shake and what we do is we'll get some frozen instead of you know you want to cool it down you want to put some ice in there we'll just use some frozen fruits whether it's blueberries whether it's strawberries

you know so they got these different smoothie mixes we'll freeze some of that stuff so we'll help cool it down you know so it has that good flavor you definitely want to add fat so a lot of people make the mistake of not adding fats in with their their juices you know whether it's a fruit juice or a vegetable juice you want to add fat in there also because that's actually gonna help you absorb and retain a lot of nutrition that you're getting okay just yeah so I do I do these YouTube updates so I only get like a couple hundred views but I just do it to motivate myself and someone commented

that they put a peanut butter and something else some like olive oil or just some healthy fats in there and I it was weird to me they must be doing a shake and I'm doing a juice but you're saying that actually can help absolutely it helps I consider it essential at this point okay that's they can come in a form of chia seeds of flat seeds of hemp oil you know I certainly put hemp hearts in there coconut oil man coconut oil is amazing where it tastes freakin delicious it's fully versatile you can use them so many different situations but when you add just a teaspoon tablespoon of coconut oil to your shake

it adds a whole another dimension of flavor you know it just it tastes so good now that you drink becomes almost tropical on the way yeah and then the other question I had is it sounds like you're also doing a little bit of a shake and and I'm doing juicing and a bunch of people have told me oh no you need to do the shake I'm gonna stick with the juicing for now but what's what's the difference between a shake and a juice like why why would you choose the one that's a good question so there's basically three tiers of juicers blenders you know mixers extractors and you get like the traditional the old

school mom had on her counter the Walmart blender is what I call it man and you can pick those up really cheap you can even go to your mom's house you probably have two or three stuff you know in the cabinet you know under her kitchen sink grab one of those that's the first way to start from there we go to a juicer now a juicer like you have probably like like the Jacqueline is the most famous what that does it pulls out the juice the liquid from the fruit or from the product the produce and it extracts it's that's a juice extractor but it keeps a lot of the pulp as they call it the raw pits it puts into that

container that you got to dump that yeah now the last one would be a bite a mix or a blend tech like Rogan has talks about so those are just they're super high-powered blender what they can do they can actually turn up the full piece of fruit into liquid unlike the blender the blender can just kind of chop it and get it you know to like a paste or a pudding where the bite a mix blend tech will actually you know break it all the way down to a liquid now what's better or what's worse they're all awesome so I hear the same conversations don't let anyone discourage you from doing what you're doing what you're doing is

excellent but also don't miss out on the opportunity to use the raw parts now if you're using a juicer you know like the Jacqueline style sounds like you are you get the juice you make you give your delicious drink but also some of the bits that are left over like if you use carrots and I try and do this singularly I try and do my carrots first I'll put that in the glass and then I'll pull the carrot pulp out I'll put it in a bowl then I'll do the apples now put that in the bowl now some of which that I'll make will make will turn into a soup some of which we'll just put in the dog food we got a couple dogs we got a house full

fucking animal animals over here and you know we'll put some of that stuff into there but we try not to waste it you know that's extracted that's pulled out man that's edible and that's still good that still has nutrition available but you don't have to buy a $400 you know vitamins if you don't want to run away I heard a lot of people make cookies with it with all the pulp there's a bunch of recipes online for it exactly and then can you explain to me it sounds weird but I'll just update you for I ate a lot of fast food and I would drink nothing almost but Diet Coke why I know listen to the church of what's happening

now I fucking screaming my radio what the fuck you doing go bell motherfucker sound like Joey Diaz over here I know but what can you explain to me why I've lost so much weight so quickly because I know it must be water weight but to lose for almost 40 pounds in just over a week isn't gonna happen every week but what why why is it happening so quickly yeah a few different things definitely the water weight now your body's not holding on to the water anymore like it used to so that's a big step you'll see people lose 5-10 pounds in the first week no problem just of the water so you

lose the water weight also I'm assuming that you had a lot of you know unfortunately impacted fecal matter inside of you that's food that is still stuck in your digestive system in some way shape or form that hasn't made its way out and the lower quality food you're eating the less it's gonna pass through your digestive system so you had some food stuck inside you and you know lots of the stories go back about John Wayne when he died he had 27 pounds of impacted fecal matter inside him I mean if he was a 207 pound man when he passed away he really should have been 180 because he had all this

fucking whiskey and red meat stuck up inside him pretty fucking nasty so those are two big ways also you know you your body is you know changing you're not holding on to the water retention anymore and you you are losing body fat now you didn't lose 40 pounds of body fat certainly in the first week you definitely lost a couple pounds but also your muscles are gonna shed some of their size temporarily because of glycogen if you're only juicing your body's not gonna be retaining the sugar that it normally does so you're gonna you see your body kind of deflate a little bit but I guarantee you fucking

feel great you feel awesome and you've probably been taking some nasty you know big nasty stinky shits too oh yeah last week right they've been green it's it was freaking me out of first couple times they were fully green fully green that's awesome I mean that's a huge change so much respectfully you really did step up and make that that change you got the process going but and I wanted to ask I'm glad that you guys brought me on now what's next how do we transition you into a sustainable lifestyle that's you know you do the juicing and then you keep juicing but now you can't be every day every meal or you go get nutrient

deficient yeah now what do we do to slowly build the healthy habits to keep you marching in the direction that you're already going that to be honest I'm kind of worried about it but what what I've thought about in my head and what what I would like to do is because for my I don't for you guys you know I'm always on the run so I would like to keep juicing maybe just for breakfast or something but I need to start either doing weight watchers or Dolter whatever whatever it is because I am worried that when I get off of it I it would be really way too easy to go back to what I was eating so part part of the reason

why I'm doing this is because I'm worried that I in the past I haven't been able to control myself and not eat the other and not eat the bad stuff yeah so now we're gonna have to set up ways to keep you you know keep you accountable but really in so in this phase I call it the health and habit phase once I work with athletes you know I don't give a fuck world title fight fight Anderson Silva Godzilla you know doesn't really matter first step is the health and habit phase I don't give a shit about the weight cut what we have to do is we have to get in there we have to kind of reprogram and change your outlook on

food you know we kind of go through the house or go through the kitchen go through the refrigerator Joey knows from the book and we look at all the shit in your house what's this what's this what's this fuck that's that's poison you look at the ingredients out that's bad you know it's getting that shit that's replaced with all the good shit and again I got the whole grocery list in the books it should make the swap out pretty easily and then all the recipes in there that should I mean there's there's recipes for fucking cavemen and then there's recipes for for mr. fancy pants you know so everybody

in between there's recipes that you can make that'll keep you on track and this is I'm just speaking from experience this is what I do so we transition you off the juice diet and we slowly start to put in maybe maybe it's the breakfast bowl you know now you got some some real food you know that you can start to make on your own you get used to that process now you're setting up healthy habits it's just one meal a day you focus on for a couple days you got that down now we'll look some sort of lunch you know maybe it's a quick grab and go sandwich maybe it's gonna be more of like you know the sit down you know egg scramble

and we slowly just start to build your day from there again we're in no rush so you're in no rush as long as you're pointed in the right direction you're moving forward brother that's what we do I'm always here I'm always available you can call me offline at any time to pick my brain and I can help dial in or point some recipes at you that might be easy but you want to get back on the to real food sustainable living that's the way that's where you're gonna see lifelong progress but when you jump on and wait watchers I get it I know it's good because I help you from breaking but it's also not teaching you how to

feed yourself and that's what I try and do I try and find sustainable ways to keep you in charge I mean you're the fucking boss you know so you want to be in charge you want to be in control you want to make the right decisions you want to you know have the healthy habits you don't want to rely on anybody else not even me to do it for you so that's the next step and once we can do that you can fucking do anything you can do it you can go to single-digit body fat you can fucking decide to run a marathon one day maybe you want to do a double body with a bench press whatever your goal is we can get you there

that's no problem once you tell us about those healthy habits yeah thank you but when you said that that's probably my biggest thing and I know it probably was the same for Joey when he was single and living by himself if you had come into my house and said look look look at this look at this the only thing you would have would have found would have been die coke and probably snack food I almost kind of I would probably keep nothing in my house and I know a lot of people who are around my age and single they do the same thing they just eat out every meal and that's that's why fast food is killing us Mike Dolce your

next book you know Mike I don't know if you know this and I told you on the Rogan podcast that time that one thing I'm not anymore as a lady either ever since I left Jersey and I hate to be that Jersey guy nowhere has the food Jersey has at night no one agreed diner I'm a cheeseburger deluxe type of motherfuck with mozzarella on the french fries and a cream of turkey soup I agreed diner all day long if I lived in Jersey I couldn't lie to you Mike Dolce that after comedy that's what I do here in LA there's no food for me there's no food I go home and I I get a piece of fucking peanut butter and I lick the

fucking foot whatever I did not know and Mike I don't know if you know this about me when I came from Cuba there was a Kentucky fried chicken on 88 Street in Broadway across the street from where I lived that my mom would forbid me from eating McDonald's I was not allowed to eat McDonald's so the only other time I eat fast food when I went when I went to Miami around my cousins they ate McDonald's so my mom beat it out of me not to eat fast food I don't know why Mike I don't know fucking why she would always said that she cooked a lot better than that shit so it deterred me I never ate fast food till Wendy's came

to Jersey in 1983 I used to get well like I told Lee my friend's girlfriend worked at Burger King and on Saturdays they'd hook us up with free chicken sandwiches and that's the first time you know Jersey somebody's always hooking you up and then Wendy's chicken sandwich then I never ate fast food again when I went to Colorado and nothing like that I don't like it I didn't eat a quarter pound I was telling Lee the other day it's I was like 27 or 28 and I told them I want a quarter pounder every day of my life and they put something in it your next book has to do with something to deter the youth from eating this shit and

they don't understand it across the street from that from where I drive to meet Lee there's a yum yum donuts across from the Taco Bell and whenever I'm parked there I look at the yum yum donuts and I look at Taco Bell and it's seven to one ratio seven to this not even cops eating donuts anymore because it's such a social and acceptance but when I look over at Taco Bell even if it's 11 in the morning you know there's seven cars in the fucking drive-through yep fucking it's disgusting and what I do what I try and tell people is when you go to a fast food place when you drive by one look at the people walking in and

out no disrespect but ask yourself do I want to look like that do they look like the type of people I'm striving to be and you know seven to one at least it's gonna be fuck no I'm gonna turn around and run from that place there's gonna be a dozen different reasons why I should not be eating like that because look at the people that frequent fast food typically that's what they eat that's part of their normal diet and you just look at how sickly you know how unhealthy how weak how frail they look you know you don't want any part of it man it blows my mind anytime I'm sitting at a traffic light you know there's

fast food place on you know every corner that you go to and it's fucking packed they're fucking packed and you see people in there smoking cigarettes while waiting for their fast food and I tweeted not too long ago a couple weeks ago a fucking lady in the Taco Bell line with a car full of kids smoking cigarettes she's in there puffing away got the little kid you know two-year-old stuck in the backseat you know strapped in the back the fucking you know the death chamber and she's there puffing away I mean so these are the different type of people that make these lifestyle decisions I don't want to have

anything to do with people that think like that so I'm gonna stay the fuck away from fast food I'm gonna make it on my own and that's typically what we suggest over here anything that you can buy out you can make just like your mom Joey you can make so much better less expensive in your own home much more quality I'm a fucking Frick Adele type of motherfucker do you know I'm hooked on Frick Adele's yeah hooked on Frick Adele's with two eggs in there a couple Italian breadcrumbs and some light fucking chopped meat and you fry those motherfuckers up with that stuff that skillet stuff and you put a little

marinara on the one that you have in your book the regular oh my god I'm a fucking Frick Adele type I don't like bread on my hamburger never have a little bit of ketchup you fucking go that's it I fucking go at it with a salad one Frick Adele because it's one Frick Adele is as high in fat but I'll tell you I two of them with some fucking nice organic salad and I'll tell you what else this is this is the craziest thing I just remembered I had a paper wrap you know like you have a paper out Mike no change and I started nine years old yeah when I was about 12 I got a paper round never forget this and they trained us

like they trained you to you know you had to go out with another guy and you made like two dollars that day you made who got to the day but at the end of the day when they trained us it took it to a white castle but it was out like in Tennessee New Jersey like 30 miles from my house and I knew my mother wasn't watching and I never forget I had like three of those fucking burgers and I had such a headache from the sodium Mike don't you I had such a headache from that I had to go home and puke it out I couldn't go out that night the next day and that was what deterred me I didn't have a white castle again told I was

doing blow and eat fucking ass and at that point who gives a fuck you know I'm saying I'm out of you New Jersey but I still can never eat more than three of them till this day I eat two of those little white castles and I'm fucking done I feel horrible about myself it's like fucking robbing somebody you feel terrible about yourself it's just the fast the fast food that people don't it's a culture thing it's a society but it's really it's fucking marketing you look at during the Olympics McDonald's and fucking Coca-Cola with the two major sponsors every time you turn on the TV it made it seem like eating shitty food

eaten poison was good for you would put a smile on your face and would further possibly let you become an Olympic champion that's the message they were trying to send but it's poison you look at the poison that they use to preserve these foods the poison that they use to to make these foods taste better the poison that they use to make these foods you know I can't you know say make us addicted but many of the chemical compounds that they put into these foods have addictive qualities so it's no reason we fucking crave this shit we want to eat this shit all the time they say they put the sugar it's a high

content and the rumor is that McDonald's fries have a high content of sugar that's why you get hooked on the fucking fries I fucking believe it man I've read that before I got there's so much you know every day you see a new new ad do report a new study about more bad shit found you know in fast food meal now that there's horse meat showing up in front and donkey meat showing up somewhere now in fast food it's basically it's not what you thought it was so why trust these motherfuckers that are picking your pocket to feed you well they're fucking poisoning you so don't fucking trust them go home make your own

food go to the produce section go to the doctor bid and here in the west coast from the east coast everywhere you turn there's a fucking local butcher knows you knows your mom knows your grandma knows your neighbor is ready to just hook you up it's a lot harder here on the west coast you know we moved out in 2005 it's hard to find a butcher some areas like Portland they didn't even know what a fucking butcher was found one good one down here in Vegas you guys do you have any good ones up there in a yes you got a galsons and they have a good butcher department over there even at Rouse if you become buddies with a butcher there's

a good butcher in Hollywood at the Rock and Roll Rouse the big black guy he's tremendous he's been there since Jesus left fucking Chicago and he's great you go in and tell him what you want he'll find it for you there's some guys who really care as far as independent butchers out here listen you got a better chance of finding a fucking you know there's nothing like that let me ask you this is the other thing that a lot of people don't know when these fucking suckers go to Vegas and they see that steak and eggs for a down 99 tell them what they're eating Mike Doce you might as well suck a black dick and lick the

balls you'll be healthier exactly you'd be better up on the fucking strip in the gutter picking fucking trash that's mafia me that that's ready that bullshit so now you think about it you do the math what the fuck kind of quality you gonna get for $1.99 pride merit dinner you know that they try and sell it's gonna be fucking old it's gonna be stale it's gonna be disgusting it's all fat anyway it's heavily preserved so it doesn't fucking go bad so it doesn't fucking come out moldy sitting on your plate who knows how it's been handled shit like that below the price below the care from the staff people don't give a

fuck how does this handle how's the hygiene behind it when it finally does make it way to your plate it has extra salt it has extra sugar it has a ton of really bad fat fucking you know planted on this food so for the few minutes of flavor that you get you're gonna get days of digestive distress you're gonna get all sorts of water retention your bottle's gonna be bodies gonna be battling to get rid of these fucking chemicals that got dumped in the system just because you're trying to save a couple bucks we can go out you can get a really you know a wild caught you know you know natural fed your

organic piece of meat for a couple dollars you don't need to eat a fucking 16-ounce steak an 8-ounce steak will do you just as well it's gonna have more protein in your body can fucking break down and it's only gonna cost a couple dollars if you select the right make buddies with your butcher and get hooked up that's the way to do it you fucking butcher the extra five bucks don't give it to some scumbag company to try to screw you over Mike don't you a lot of people don't notice Paul Castellano the boss of the fucking Gambino's before John Gotti was a butcher and one of his biggest scams because he was in charge of

a few unions was sending the meat to Vegas so as soon as shop right and you know all the chains by us in the East Coast the meat got bad they unwrapped the meat they dip it in this fucking meat preservative that it no matter how brown the meat looks it goes back to looking pink and they would send it to Vegas sell it and if you're absolutely right all that you would get was like a little diarrhea for two or three days and your body would but people don't really complain about it they don't give a fuck so and they just write it off to being in Vegas again fucked up right I don't know I said Vegas they're supposed

to feel sick in Vegas you just poison yourself what days does your podcast go up they go up on Mondays and Thursdays right now and we're still you know getting the routine down we're probably gonna go to three days a week here pretty soon you know Monday Wednesday Friday might work out well and remember let these people know don't make the mistake I did when he kept talking about this podcast I'm like what a fuck is it it's under health and fitness I kept looking for comedy and I'm like what the fuck it's not the top 200 yet this might dull check you know I mean I certainly can't hang with you guys no but you're

doing up you were number 10 on health and whatever so you're doing something right Mike all right well I appreciate that we debuted at number two behind Julian Michaels just thanks to you know everybody that listens which is fucking awesome and then we'll bounce when we come out with an episode we'll get to the top five and then we'll kind of float down there you know they have to hire into the top 10 and whatnot it's totally you know listener base you know it's a lot of Q&A like I do on Sunday on Twitter I fucking blow up everyone's Twitter stream with my Q&A trying to answer everyone's questions and we

extended that with the the Mike Dolce show so now we do lots of you know a lot of you questions I kind of get long-winded on my fucking answers I go sideways I go all the way back around I just try and share information so hopefully you leave the show every day with one thing one tip one tool one recipe one piece of motivation one insight one new exercise just leave a show with one thing a day that you can implement that that's our goal I love you Mike Dolce thank you for calling and making my man Lisa I add today this is a treat for Lee I can see he's happy and Mike you're a bad motherfucker I'll see

you in Jersey for damn sure you're gonna be there for China so I will be there we're doing a show the night before my man so I'll be in Jersey I'm gonna go to chance dragging in get a few fucking egg rolls the whole thing I'll take you to get the best Chinese food in New Jersey Doug dude we might have to get the fucking pork roll and cheese is in the morning oh you know I'm not a pork you know when I moved to Colorado my roommate used to get the Virginia ham sent out and it would make Virginia ham an egg on fucking hard roll every breath I didn't like Virginia ham that much I am a fucking egg and cheese on a on a

seated roll though that's that's my fucking world I'm saying I'm from Jersey so you come out to Vegas anytime soon no no no you know I'm headed to New Orleans to shoot that the narrow movie next week so I'll be down there for a while and then I go to Sacramento but I will be in Jersey with you motherfuckers on the 26th I ain't missing it for the world so there's gonna be a new watch champion everybody you better hear he's on the dock side he looks good son he's walking around he's looking fucking big you gotta meet those breakfast bowls in that superfly chicken salad shit he's getting all yoked and shit so eating

has never been a problem for mr. Son and I'm just glad that he's allowed to be his natural size anymore you know instead of keeping him you know held back you want 85 he's a big motherfucker he's a big strong dude you know a great team around them got coach Jamie Huey I know it's a big fan oh I love Jamie you love Jamie Huey he's a good dude we fuck around on Twitter and stuff so Jamie's a man Clayton Hyatt Scott McQuarrie Vinnie Muggalates you know that team son and we're coming strong you're very serious here but we got Johnny Hendricks coming up soon so Johnny's there fighting the co-main event

first Carlos Condit and Nick Diaz doesn't keep fucking up man he better look at him I'd step right in that world title fight three weeks from now so Johnny's ready he's training fucking training his ass off he's been training for five five since his fight with Ellenberger was set knowing the anyway he said is what the way to fragile bro they all drop out I'm ready to fight for that fucking title so that's the mindset this motherfucking psychopath has so he's ready to roll I'm excited to see Johnny out there do it again well man I will see you in Jersey I love you good luck to Hendricks and everybody around you my

man Mike Doche you're a fucking savage and a gentleman and I'm happy I could always count on you to fucking call in and drop heavy-duty knowledge on these cocksuckers it's certainly a pleasure Joey love you brother love your brother love what you're doing man you got it my man stay black have a great weekend there you go Lisa who fucking takes K you like me no one I got a hot black chick farting in your face I got Mike Doche calling what the fuck guy I'm like I'm like an everyday Christmas when you leave you even celebrate Christmas jucocksuck I love you guys this is why we do this shit the church of what's

happening now I got stoned there for a second for a second fucking highly I'm sorry back you know I'll tell you next time you leave me out here like you know they ain't meeting gonna watch your uncle Joey Lee I'm getting old you're fine you're gonna be you're gonna be you're gonna hit 85 no problem I'm gonna hit a hundred and fucking five oh shit I got cocaine in that fucking heart that's still tickling like a savage I can't you know I get a lot of fucking addiction emails man and I'm very excited that's one thing that I'm gonna talk about this testicle testament how much it was in my blood that

cocaine like how much it was in my fucking blood like I remember waking up under a rocket ship in a park like I was in a rocket ship you know the second floor I was like how's it under you okay I got it fucking coke rocks in my nose you know like I was to a different level with this shit I think about six seven years ago I would go out do a set and I would run home it'd be burning a hole in my pocket and one thing I got about the you know one thing I got I have a friend right now that's going through it not cocaine she goes through the addiction I could see she has one problem the main problem I had was

accountability yeah you could never plan tomorrow like I would never plan tomorrow unless I had an audition or something like that or an important meeting everybody else would be put on hold everything else in my life got put on hold it all depending how I felt in the morning you know if I woke up hung over but I had 50 bucks left over so I'd get a gram of coke that night I'd be in a fucking great mood and I'd do anything you know but if I woke up and I was light on paper I all day long I'd be thinking about how I was gonna put that 50 together yeah that fucking grandma blow that night you're always

preoccupied you're always somewhere else you know so sometimes I sit here and I can't believe how lucky you know I am that I didn't have that and I get e-mail with people who are beating this shit on a daily basis man people are beating a fucking addiction fucking game just listen to it and you're right Lee you know that's what makes me when somebody emails me and says hey man I stopped doing oxys after manning up and listening to your show because it's true you know what the fuck's a rehab gonna do for your rehab just gonna make you feel bad about it and I suggest you go to one to slow you down because something or if

you go to a farm like if you live in Virginia something like that and you're fucking doing blow every fucking day but you got a cousin in Texas I go to Texas just to change the scenery and hopefully after five or six days and the coke wears out you come to your senses you grip yourself again that's the that's the whole or in those five or six days that you don't do it you put yourself into perspective and even if you can't stop you cut a deal with yourself you say you know what from now on I'm gonna snort a ball but just on Friday nights after I do my work and once you know I had a friend in Jersey

that he told me one day he was way older than me by now he's got to be 60 he told me one day he goes 30 years ago I came to my senses and knew I was a junkie I just learned how to do it and live my life I do it on Fridays and Saturdays now he goes I snort all fucking weekend but during the week I do my business you know and I looked at like he's a junkie that came to terms of this fucking life you know sometimes yeah you got to come to terms at what's in front of you so that's one thing I have accountability you know I could get up at 445 to come over here and do this yeah I think if I was doing blog to this fucking podcast

of 61 I'd just be going to fucking bed I come over here all jazzed up I wouldn't leave the house I wouldn't fucking get my car and drive over here I'd be too fucking paranoid too coked up you know so the addiction game man it takes you for a little while but trust me you could fucking beat this thing you could be and you beat it when you least expect it you don't need a rehab you need to be around good friends and just to write and have faith and see your writing sometimes when you see your writing and you read your writing it's your life from a different perspective so you read your life off a paper it's completely

different when I read about the kidnapping to Kent Vella it's completely different than what I say it to you and I joke around yeah it's real on fucking paper there's no jokes on that fucking paper I eliminate the funny adjectives and adverbs it's pretty plain you know and that's a lot of fucking people don't understand when you write something out when you write when I say I'm a fucking junkie I can't stop getting high in sucking cock you know that's completely different than me writing it down and fucking reading when you read that Joey Diaz can't stop snorting coke you're like wow so the power of the pan is always

important if you're trying to get off that blow whatever the fuck you run just give it a shot man so they can be a lucky motherfucking day was that led something you're talking about you know I don't know you're slipping me I must be slip on something oh shit to Wednesday get it huh hit it oh shit you motherfuckers forgot you thought I forgot it was black history month what you know this let's apple it's black history brother talk about love we're going to do it yeah you bad motherfuckers oh shit I gotta find out if I'm working and then I'm gonna do if I

hopefully I'm not working so you're doing that to go test that's what uncle Joey did well I'm doing that but I would normally go to work after so hopefully I don't have to hit this gym a little bit no I have a business I'm trying man you gotta fucking do if you jump and just even stretching at least for you don't go Joey not really what the fuck you've been wiping your ass because that's mathematically impossible you know I can do it just you turning that's a good twist yeah like fucking propel yourself to wipe your ass gotta give yourself like no when I was when I was used to be used to be hard

like I yeah there were some days and it's embarrassing but there are some days where I'd like stand up or do it cuz like you can't do it on the toilet but now now luckily I can make a stretch that arm around like fucking captain fantastic and wipe that little muffler it's a little victory every day you don't forget the white you have walk around with little fucking dirty ass and stings all day I've had dirty ass but I've never forgotten to wipe walk into a fucking restaurant your ass on stinging it's on fire you think the hemorrhoids burning you go to the bathroom you wipe in a clunk of fucking

that's the worst fucking juice shit comes out of your little muffling you're like what the fuck I don't forget the white sometimes it happens not recently but when in the in the city that's the worst and you have to walk around all day when you get back you can barely walk I'll fuck I think a bag out of the back seat and wipe my ass right there in public I don't give a fuck my ass goes on fire I'm wiping that fucking muffler there's nothing like walking around when you got fucking fire asshole that's that's the worst and I just realized something you you talk to your friends in the morning right back east I thought

the tool this morning I think that's the reason why you're so happy in the mornings I just I just realized it because talking to you I'm always happier when we do the podcast and when I like talking to don't I don't always talk to the guests but talking to Dolce I think that's a big part of it I know I talking to your friends having good conversations because I know for a lot of people like for me I could wake up and not talk to anyone until I get to work this morning I talked to George on the drive and I talked to my brother Mike running on the drive yeah and I do that every fucking day I talked to I have a

rotation of probably seven people that I talked to in the morning when I wake up when I wake up before I call you at five yeah I really got a call from yeah I haven't heard from you in two days where you've been what's going on we got our second oh shit what's happening brother what's up my little friend what's up buddy I'm so fucking happy you call what's going on in your world I just dropped some kids off and now I'm driving home that's it that's your day now you got first of all before we get going Ethan Supley's on the line my main fucking man what's going on you got knee surgery yeah so you still row well I

haven't heard my knee but hopefully we'll grow again you're a fucking savage how long ago did you do the meniscus surgery Friday last Friday oh so you're back you know I did it last year at this time I did it last February 7th and I thought let me tell you what happened with me I went to the you know sag send you to the dude where you do stretches and shit like that and I rode the bike every day I mean I had a surgery on Tuesday and by Thursday I was on the bicycle already yeah so and I had the arthritis and the cyst in there and the whole fucking thing and then you know I worked really hard for the first month

everything was fine and I went to Miami and I did different exercises and I pulled the muscle behind the knee because it's really sensitive still and that was a fucking nightmare Ethan the legs swole up and they thought it was a blood clot so I had to go for blood tests two days in a row and so just push it but be careful you know it's one of those things like do it and then go you know what I could do another hour but I'm not right so just be really careful and beside that what else is going on in your life right now I just I just finished a couple movies on back here pilot using a fucking nightmare I constantly trying

to talk my agent how to make me try to do a pilot okay and what about jiu-jitsu when was the last time you've been rolling oh I was rolling I was going to see Eddie Bravo over there in Burbank about middle of last year just before the summer and then I had to leave to do to do a few movies out of town and I have you know I didn't roll at all in New York and then I hurt my knee while I was out in New York and I haven't been doing much many things sir you're a fucking funny doing anything you know I love you at all my heart when I see you on Twitter fucking around you write some fucking hilarious stuff on that man well

I gotta say I love waking up to you you're the only other person awake early in the morning you always start my day out well you know Ethan I do this because even like you know you have daughters and I just have an eight-week-old so that's why I've been thinking a lot about you lately because I know how you manage family and careers and working out and I got to take my hat off to you you're a fucking soldier and it's funny when you turn the news on in the morning when you're dressing your kids or I get up early and I talk to my wife and we make coffee and we eat oatmeal and you know you listen to the news and Ethan

what do they talk about the fucking gym teacher that raped the kid the guy that shot four people the fire and Riverside you know you open up you listen to this shit subconsciously this is what you listen to subconsciously and then at 10 they tell you one good story about some fucking kid with an arrow in his head who plays the drums in the school band now who can't look you know and you're sitting there going now you start crying by that time it's too late you got the fucking syringe ready to shoot some fucking heroin and so when I wake up in the morning after everything like I've been through nothing in my life but I

know what I could have ended up you know what I'm saying like I know I could have ended up in prison so when I wake up the last 10 years it's a fucking beautiful day to be alive what the fuck is wrong with America Ethan everybody's depressed and this it's up you're fucking living you're in America I was watching that thing yesterday in Syria how kids are living in fucking prisons from all the bombing and these little pussies here worried about you know dehydrating on their fucking skateboard it's two different contrasts so when I get up early in the morning I want to play the music that's in my head I don't

give a fuck if it's Metallica or it's the Carpenters you know just so people can get up and go this motherfucker's happy but what he's a fat fuck he looks like Fred Flintstone he's a loser if he's happy I gotta be fucking happy you know yeah yeah I think you're right how fucking lucky are we what we do here in California think about it people getting up in Kansas right now shoveling for an hour then driving their kids to school or there ain't no fucking school you're in your car right now doing 35 with a coffee in your hands the sun's out the birds are chirping am I lying to you no I accept ice I quit drinking coffee

that's another that's another point of contention for me I was thinking about picking it back up today why what happened how long have you been off the coffee like a week and a half no reason really other than just trying to quit dairy there is I just tried to get you know my my life is a constant revolving door and vices I give up and dairy is the latest one how about green tea green tea sucks basically you know I even drink the green tea and I hate everything I hate everything it's the worst it sucks it the total waste of time it's you know what and when I go to those coffee shops now instead of drinking a fucking

latte is something that's gonna put 10 pounds on me I just get the green tea and I put that cancer sugar in and I take my chances but right a little splendor a little sweet and I was something what am I gonna do what are you gonna do at this point the fucking game I'm 50 years old what am I gonna do a little brother yeah but I'm you know I've got I've now got five green tea bags and one cup of hot water trying to get some kind of feelings from the same so I'm basically drinking green sludge oh you like it hot so you're right you're absolutely right I mean you know the kids in Syria don't even have green tea so they're fucking

they're half way to miserable they're all the way there did you see that report last night on Diane Sawyer I didn't fucking know that shit that those kids are over there hiding in prisons it's zero degrees at night they're living with no heat you know I mean we it's time to stop and see the things we got fucking eat the hook so what's going on what do you got coming out what do you got whatever what what's coming out talk to me tell me something good I just did I just did three movies in a row I was out of town for like six months I did a movie in Canada called split decision that they say the title is gonna change

so I have no idea what that one's gonna be called and then I did a movie with Martin Scorsese called the Wolf of Wall Street which is gonna be awesome and and then I did one called walk of shame which is a comedy and I'm and I'm basically just got back to LA and and hadn't been able to get my knee fixed the whole time I was gone so I got my knee fixed and then hopefully I'll be back in the gym soon enough well brother as soon as you go back to the gym please hit me up on Twitter so I can meet you and give you a hug and you can tell me I don't know that I don't know that I'm gonna be immediately back in in 10th

planet rolling but you know I gotta I gotta build up some strength again in that way no but if you tell me that place you go the CrossFit I'll meet you there for a quick workout one day I'd love to see yeah but I think I think I got I think I'm not gonna be back there immediately I mean fucking CrossFit I was doing heavy like squats with a lot of rage and all this crazy shit and I think I think before I do that I think we'll just meet at a normal gym and sit on an exercise bike for a while that's perfect dog just let me know when and where and I'll be there to meet you man I'm happy you took the chance and gave

us a call today you know I love you Ethan I wish I'd see you a lot more you know I love you too Joe in the air thank you brother for calling and have a great day and stay black of course buddy all right buddy I love you talk to you be good wow I actually sat next to him at the Angelo Bauer's benefit and the left factor I sat next to him and I just I was looking at his IMDB I the first place I saw him was Boy Meets World he was in American History X fucking blow blow the butterfly effect remember the Titans road trip was great remember the Titans oh yeah fuck he was great road trip if I tell you something guys you

all gonna hate me why I tell you what movie I'm gonna go see Friday morning first thing when I get up oh Jesus 21 and over no you're not yes I am don't look like the biggest sack of shit oh that little Chinese kid cracks my shit up Jack that's the first thing I'm doing okay 11 like 35 I'm getting stoned I mean an edible and I'm going to see fucking 21 and over just to see a fucking just to see him get drunk talk I'm gonna ask all right well you know you'll be the liney and tell y'all no you know I'm not gonna go see that that's the type of he brought a big fucking stupid kid you know we fucking all lost so I'm

gonna go do that this weekend I'm at the Brea Improv this weekend Thursday through Saturday tickets go down there I think there's some tickets left tonight we're at Testicle Testimus Lisa yeah it'll be down there with me to flying Jew brown paper tickets tickets are going fast in New Orleans don't come crying to be Joey we didn't fucking know the da da da da da there's only 80 tickets a fucking show don't come crying to me we told me I did a first show it's not like eight left or something like that so get your shit together on it I love you you even heard fucking Mike Doche people get off the fucking shit go to on it order the

three-pack put church in the box put church in the box put church in the box commit motherfuckers you're part of the church or what's happening now you're what's the second one put the second piece of warriors what is he saying I got you fucking kidding me leave that blasted that's a church or what's happening now that's what you motherfuckers are doing at home right now jumping up and down make it with a knife in your fucking hand ready to keep fucking cheering it's ready to go out there put it on again and shit ready to go out then stab motherfuckers there's an asshole out there wait for you go out

there live your fucking dream you crazy motherfuckers listen to this black guy this is you can you dig it are you kidding me Joey Diaz.net are you fucking kidding me have a great day God bless you motherfuckers go out there and tell them who the boss is we'll be back either Sunday Monday and Tuesday or Sunday and Monday we haven't decided yet but we'll be back thank you very much for listening today thank you to Mike Dolce thank you to Ethan Supley thank you to fucking Omnit thank you to my man fucking Lisa Yat you bad motherfucker one more week of juice in Cox's

I got I got more I got I'm trying to go for 68 you take a naked picture yourself did you tell Rose that wait till you give a cock this time it's gonna be all over the cock you're slinging is tremendous when you have you whacked off you oh god it's kind of what comes out it's fucking crazy but I feel like my libido like it's way up like I feel like horny and more often yeah no no my helmet on someone's face just a little cheek right there you'll be you'll be bailing me out I would have fucking whacked off on the foot you know what you're missing I love you guys

stay black have a great weekend all right don't forget the U.S.C. live from Japan on fucking Sundays oh shit nobody fucking knows it's on fuel fuels like the witness relocation I love you guys have a great week stay black the church what's happening now subscribe motherfuckers hit me with something a little Led Zeppelin yeah yeah finish that up brother and be girl who loves you cock sucker oh shit oh shit you