Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #023 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, we talk about the week..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.draftkings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Greetings, what's happening you bad motherfuckers? It's monday december 21st. You got three days of shoplifting left and then We're back to fucking sitting around with people. They can't come over your house They can't do this. They gotta wait who the fuck gives a fuck. It's christmas, man Be happy. I know this is a tough time of the year for a lot of people You know, but she's gotta be happy this time of the year. I told somebody the other day I was answering an email and I told somebody do me a favor man. Just smile in the morning When you're having a rough day when you wake up in the morning Before you attack your wife or you attack fucking somebody at work or you yell at your kid or whatever

Just smile sometimes in the shower. I just smile Even if I wake up I'm still fucking coming down off the battery ass. I did the night before whatever the fuck I just smile. I'm just after you brush your teeth and listerine before you go in the fucking shower Don't even look at yourself smiling while you're in the shower Just smile. Just just give yourself a smile and watch what happens all of a sudden Your fucking smile will make your memory Think of something that was kind of pleasant And you'll fall into it while you're fucking scrubbed up a dub and you know, it gets boring in the fucking shower

Your fucking putting conditioning in your hair. You got the fucking loofah The whole thing by the time you get out of that shower your perspective will be so different on the fucking day I swear to god No matter what I get up feeling, you know, sometimes you come downstairs first and somebody sends you some stupid email or something You start the day off with this fucking Punched to the fucking head from somebody and you go, you know what slow down I'm not gonna let them ruin my fucking day with their fucking stupidity And as you're picking out your clothes as you're putting your socks on your bed and your shirt

You just smile sometimes I just Even though I have no reason to smile I think you know, because sometimes things would be worse than what they are With the conditions that are going on right now. So we since we're holding so much frustration in from other things in our lives We tend to overreact now because you know, it's a lot for people to fucking handle what's going on right now during the fucking pandemic But if you just smile sometimes I just fucking Smile like that's why when I do the patreon in the morning I always try to end up with that smile for you people because if I smile

You'll smile you won't be laughing at yeah Yeah, you're laughing at my stupid looking fucking face and my fucked up teeth and shit But you're also gonna laugh you're gonna just smile and go what the fuck is going on with my life You know Everybody's fucking happy. I'm not happy Forced to smile just force it. Not you know, like not when you're in a club drink Don't force it. Don't do an LA force. Ha ha ha when you're in a fucking club with your fucking jerk off buddies Ha ha ha. Oh my god. That's such a funny joke. Hello. Oh, no, I'm not talking about that shit

I'm talking about fucking just by yourself. Just you know, you're thinking you're like frustrated That fucking bill is due today and you're also and you're like, you know what? And you just start smiling and you smile and you smile and you keep smiling You're like remember the time that chicks up my dick done a little fucking radiator at the comedy club And these memories start coming out and that's from smiling So I know this week's gonna be rough whatever the fuck you think it's gonna be Start your day off with a smile. You don't need Joe Diaz or fucking bill burr Or whoever to make you fucking laugh if you can't make yourself laugh

It's gonna be a rough fucking day That's it. That's all I wanted to say enough enough enough that shit. It's a great week Uh, we got a fucking snowstorm here for you mother fuckers who decided to torture me And throw grenades at me and say joey is it time to leave new jersey yet? Fuck you. I ain't going nowhere. Yeah, you understand me motherfuckers. Listen, you guys who forget Let's just pretend Let's just pretend That my mother took me out when I was three

That means I did at 18 winters here. I don't know if your motherfuckers know that I did 18 new york city winters Slash new jersey winters And then I did 12 colorado winters That's 18 and 12. That's 30 fucking winters All right, so 27 Years is an accounted for 23 were in fucking Los angeles and three were in cuba and one I don't fucking know what happened for the one year What the fuck I was that so maybe I did

31 fucking winters. I've done 31 winters This ain't the fucking first time I've been cold. You people like Well, you gotta come back here. It was fucking freezing down in texas too was 40 degrees They want stage rogan had to put jackets on and shit like that But you people are like joey, you know, like you were teasing me kind of sort of when it got snow when you guys don't understand that Snowing is my life. I love it I love it snowing brings back and listen. I'm not gonna lie to you When this as the snow was falling Wednesday night, I was like, what the fuck is this

Uncle Vinnie's got canceled like a fucking two because the governor called the state of emergency I'm like, what the fuck? It's just a little snow. I was out there. I picked my daughter up. I took her to kickboxing I'm trying to hold her hand. She's got her tongue out Trying to catch fucking whatever I just let her out there And that's when it started it hit me like fucking how much fun Is fucking snow. I came home My wife made a pot of fucking meatballs I called jimmy florentine and his son to come over

And I go, you know what? I gotta build the fucking path to them because I don't want somebody slipping. This is the jersey. This is the slipping fall type of state here You get sued on a daily basis. My neighbors are like, don't sue. Don't don't fucking Shovel your sidewalks because like that people fucking walk their dogs and no shit there And they won't pick up the shit. So fuck that. I ain't shoving the snow But I'll tell you what you gotta shovel that thing because that's jewish fucking Technicies right there. I see snow on a sidewalk. All of a sudden I get the I get the sudden nerds to slip I'm gonna go down to fucking urgent care and leave there with a fucking

Jewish fucking gold chain nice little night brace for the holidays. Just walk around. You don't know nothing But you gotta shovel the fucking sidewalk. So what I did was Wednesday night, I fucking uh When I moved here people like dog You're too old to be shoveling when it snows just hire a kid. It's fucking eight o'clock at night seven o'clock at night Where am I gonna get it? What do I want to knock on people's doors? How you doing, man? Is your kid available to fucking shovel snow? You know, so I just sat here and I go, you know what? I'm not the fucking shovel that snow anyway

So I came downstairs. I googled shoveling snow for 50 They told me to put layers on and shit because if you need to learn anything Just go on google or youtube if you go on youtube and go shoveling the snow for 50. No, I'll fuck them They hook you up job They hook you up. So, you know, they just said benjenese. Don't throw snow over your shoulders Stay out there for a little while come back in Take breaks whatever It was fucking tremendous

It was coming down. I went out there had a little hat on I had my other sweatshirt on I put my fucking iPod on I put some fucking music on I think I was listening to fucking ufo One of the ufo not the live one, but the really fucking good one with michael shanker And you know what I took a little hit so off the pipe in the garage nobody knew nothing My wife didn't even know it was going on and I fucking went out there And I just started shoveling and I didn't know what I was doing. I made a couple fucked up You know, I he I shoved the garage the not the garage but the Packed away first before I did the stairs and then I was shoving the stairs from the bottom

Up after a fucking couple minutes. It just came back to me I was like, holy fuck. Do I miss this shit? And I was shoveling I first I tried to use a broom like I was in colorado one of my fucking asshole It ain't that type of snow. This is jersey snow jack when this shit sticks it fucking sticks So I cracked open a bag of rock salt My wife came down. She got the fucking snow blower out And I did the stairs the path to the fucking street And she started on the fucking driveway

And at one point we just made eye contact and giggled Like it was fucking tremendous and my daughter's in the window Watching this, you know, I told her put your snoop Put your fucking snow boots on and come out And we just shoveled and it was funny because you know, my daughter was great. She was helping me throw You can't throw rock salt here. So we were throwing the other shit behind Yeah, can't you rock? I don't do rock salt on the brick because you stain it I don't eat to the brick. So you gotta use that other shit

But it was just great and You know shoveling at first I was by myself and I was getting flashbacks. So when I was a snow shovel Snowmass village 83 Joe coffee fucking great guy He put an hat out for snow shoveling. It wasn't enough and I had a job as a fucking and as an electrician I fucking had a job as a dishwasher. I was a part-time burglar Now position came up for snow shoveling and he kept having the sign was there every day in town I said, let me go talk to this guy. I go Joe. What he lived in d12

He lived like in c12 to build him right next door to me. So I knocked on his door. I'm Joe coffee. What's going on here? He goes nothing. I'm looking for snow shovelers. Do you know anybody? I go, what the fuck am I? Do you think I'm not going to do you sell an avon? When do I start and he goes what because it was open hours you can shovel snow whatever you want You could shovel the snow as it's coming down Or you could break the ice up at night and you know clean the pathways for people because the snow's all fucking day and the winter That I moved to colorado 83

It snowed 25 fucking days in a row So I was kind of fucked. So I said, you know what? Let me take my outfit. I got this mic I think let me take an opportunity of this and get myself making a little money. I was gonna come home I was robbing and I was fucking I had some money put away But we always want to have a cover If you don't want to just be a fucking thief without a cover So if people saw me out there shoveling they go, oh, this guy's not a bad guy He's working plus Joe coffee was uh, he's still around Joe coffee up in snowmass village

So if anybody sees him tell him Joey Diaz sent him his love He may be retired. I heard a couple years ago. He was still out there doing his thing That's a tough ass white motherfucker from colorado. I love him But there was another purpose why shovel snow I knew I had two months to leave to go back to new jersey and I was casing out the drug dealers I knew where all the drug dealers lived So my responsibility was to shovel from a building To like fucking a b c d

a b c d e f g So I my responsibility was c d e f g I had five buildings. I think there were seven apartments

In each building and it was outside. So I had to start from the third floor and shoveled my way down I checked a little door handles on the way down. You never know. You know what I was like I was a fucking mess of society But that was why I took that job Because I would see when the drug dealers would go skiing and I knew they weren't coming back right away I'm coming back when you go skiing. You don't come back for a fucking breath mint You're already up there already. You're not gonna come back home. And if you're gonna shit, you're shit up on the mountain They got great little fucking back rooms up there

So I would just go out there. I would wake them in the morning If it was too cold to be an electrician or if they slowed up would work Because sometimes they'd make me go wire a half house And then come back home at one I'd go inside the house warm up for an hour smoke a joint Maybe get a hot chocolate and I'd go out there and shovel fucking snow On those days, it was rough to rob the drug dealers But on the fucking other days

When I was out there early like if I didn't have to be an electrician. Fuck yeah I was out there at eight in the morning and that's when people fucking Leave to go ski and they want to catch the fresh fucking powder So while they were looking for their fresh powder, I was looking for my own mother fucking fresh powder So I had my roommate at the time see I lived in cd e fg But I lived in d12, but all the doors were the same So they all had the same fucking security system, which is one door not I figured out if I could break in if I could figure out how to break into my door

I could break into any other door in the fucking compound This is the mind of joey deers jack. What are you guys looking for Christmas fucking recipes? I'm dropping some fucking stories on you today. It's monday morning. You can't just leave your empty hand So I figured it out That if I could break into my own apartment I could break into any other apartment from c To h There probably was about four drug dealers in those four buildings at the time

And I was working them like a fucking savage I figured out if you took a Like a little hand saw We took a hand saw We welded like we we cut a piece off so it wouldn't have the point So it wouldn't like let the people know that I was fucking around with that door Always perfect. My roommate was a genius at the time. God rest his soul jimmy. I love you at all my heart And he devised a tool that would slip right in I didn't even have to pop the fucking molding or nothing

He was brilliant. So I would just pop it in he also devised a move for me To do the back patios So the patio screen door they were the easiest they were the best So whenever I fucking Just living there those those I lived there from July to February and those poor people were terrorized From the whole from the minute I moved in there July 1st. I was just doing new jersey shit

You know, I was fresh out of jersey I didn't know what belonged to me what didn't belong to me as far as I can concerned. It was it all belonged to me So from the minute I fucking moved there, you know, I was doing a little crazy things nothing too outrageous I didn't really start going off that year till box of time But that's when I realized This straight life shit ain't fucking working going to work every day I was taking up some classes at night that whole fucking thing But I just I was just into it. I was just fucking into it. So my buddy had made me this little fucking tool

And I would I knew the drug dealers where there was this one drug dealer. I was a chef At a fucking hotel and he would ski early And what I did was I wouldn't go into the house and rob them completely If they had an ounce of coke, I would take a gun hate ball And I would leave the thing there. So they would be confused. They'd be walking around Confused I didn't start hitting them till like January. That's when I started cleaning them out but anyway That whole fucking little slow thing brought me back to that for a second

Until my wife and daughter came out and they're like dad can we help and I'm like, oh, yeah You could help me. I'm like fuck you fucked up my little fantasy I've been here the last half hour because it makes you know It makes the ski you don't focus on what you're doing If you focus on the story while you're fucking doing something shitty It makes it a lot easier So I'm out there shoveling thinking about the fucking burglaries and whatnot and those poor people. It was a fucking great time, but It really was it really was I'm not gonna lie to you. I had a great time those days. I was such a piece of shit

But it was enjoyable. It was not like I was just kicking down doors. I was being creative I was getting my exercise and burglarizing some fucking people And you know what? It's like they suspected me at the end But I think I told you I put a double agent. I didn't get high in front of those people And as far as they were concerned, I did not do coke. I was not interested in doing coke You know, so they were like, how can he be robbing us if he doesn't do coke? What can he be doing with it? I was stocking that motherfucker up for my fucking flight to new york city

But my daughter came out with my wife We did a little bit of fucking shoveling and then boom Florentine came all with his kid. We had dinner again when they left At like 8 39 I went out there again And showed another

I might maybe another inch or two had fallen. We got a total of a fucking seven inch just no You know what I do with seven inches? I sprinkle in my asshole Seven inches don't do nothing for uncle joey. I cleaned out my garage now We could pull the cars into the garage Because that's the worst thing as far as I'm concerned that a winter is getting into a cold fucking car in the morning That sucks and you're sitting there rubbing your hands Now I just go in the garage and I open up the fucking door. So I don't commit suicide I fucking turn the car on. Oh, yeah, please

Yeah, dad went out there to warm the car up and I started feeling dizzy And I'm like, oh, it's because I didn't fucking open up the garage door. It's You guys don't have an idea about the trials and tribulations that joey has and shit I swear to god the first day I went out there and I started the car up. I opened the windows I put the heater. I'm like, this is pretty fucking nice in here. I started started feeling like a little fucked up I felt like that guy the the white guy and the equalizer remember Denzel Was gonna kill him by putting the fucking exhaust in this fucking top And I'm like, what am I doing? I had to open up the garage door. My wife moved down

She's like, how long did you have the garage door open close for? I got about eight minutes She goes, what made you think I don't fucking know, you know me dog I do bang it. I forget what the fuck's going on. So I'm already used to it. Thank god Can you imagine if I can Wednesday morning 30 Thursday, you guys want to woke up to USA today Joey Diaz can kill themselves by mistaking the garage because he was too high and he doesn't open up the fucking garage door This is what happens is the day of the life, mother fuckers. What do you want? You want me to come up here with fable stories and you know me fucking one in three medals You want me to tell you this shit that happens to me on a fucking weekly?

This is it this week. I almost killed myself by mistake, but Fuck it. I'm you had one the fuck that I had. I didn't have a garage in LA I haven't pulled the car into a fucking garage I walked out there. It's a beautiful day to be alive And next thing you know something ain't smelling right Did you come up on the door to see the day? That's what it got. I feel That's my life guys. What am I gonna do? I'm stuck with it. I'm no fucking genius like you guys

You guys got the fucking world by the balls. It was a great weekend. It was a great weekend all together You know man when uh Thursday morning when I got up I had to do something Thursday and I came back early morning and that warmed up the sun was out It was a beautiful day And I came in My daughter and wife were getting ready to go out Thursday to go out and play in the snow I think I went upstairs for maybe five minutes just to pee and wash my hands I maybe got some water and I heard

Just yelling and screaming And I went out to the front of my house And there was three Eight kids Playing in both of my yards the front Building snowmen throwing snowballs at each other My daughter got hit by a snowball. I'm like welcome to new jersey. She's out there crying I'm like welcome to new jersey. It hit her in the eye. That's why she was crying and it just shocked her

But I was happy she got hit with that fucking snowball. I really was I was ecstatic Usually I lose my mind. I go what happened. I didn't even give a fuck. I know exactly what happened You got hit with a snowball. Welcome to new jersey when it snows Walk around looking like a missile's coming because we throw snowballs in the jersey jack. We ain't got time And we'll put a rock in there too and belch in the fucking head. It don't matter So she got hit in the head with a snowball the kid across the street got hit in the head Put his little snowball and the little girl across the street had he was about six Got hit in the head with a snowball. Listen guys. It's all a part of growing up

It's all a part of growing up When I went out there on my balcony and I looked and I saw those kids It's over I'm officially fucking home Like I I didn't know how long it was gonna take For me to officially be home be comfortable That anxiety has totally disappeared. I mean you could see it. I mean you could see it on my face You could see it on my skin. This has been

A fucking great learning experience And a great journey and I hope you guys are learning from this also I called it the mind of joey ds and I did all the things I did. You saw us at our worst You know, uh, we had no direction with the podcast. We still don't know what the fuck we're doing I'm not gonna just give up just because I'm gonna give up but this has been a growth for everybody And I hope you're all fucking learning from this. I didn't do this For you guys to learn. I mean, I'm learning the pieces along the way But this is uh, this has been a great

Fucking journey so far. And you know what made the journey even better that I made the right decision When I made the decision It was time to go I miss la. I miss a lot of my friends. I miss kate. I miss You know, Tom My heart goes out to him in the hospital Another one of the joint guys in the hospital big church guy j. Bish. I'm Pittsburgh thinking about you, you know, brother

You know, that's it. It's official I'm a fucking official new jersey I threw a snowball. I shoveled snow. I got a garage, you know It's so fucking weird how friday night Was the 18th of december Usually that's the saddest night of my fucking existence For the last 22 years That is the saddest night of my existence. That's the saddest day

Is that friday before the christmas? Because hollywood would shut down and what I mean hollywood would shut down. I mean hollywood would shut all the fucking way down to You know, there's no traffic like there is now since nobody's working in california For a month you had four weeks of no traffic People would disappear california christmases were not What you guys thought they were i'm sure that there were some families that were established that had grown up there that had been there

but Nobody knocked on my door and brought cookies Nobody knocked on my door and brought an ornament Nobody knocked on my door and said if they wanted to come over For christmas eve morning to sing all these things have happened there I've had the last three or four days. I've read the doorbell ring I go to and there's a lady around the corner with cookies It's a different fucking experience man

You know, it's uh friday night we went to uh mercy grocery school with kid dylan nice Family I had a fucking blast You know with socially distanced we went downstairs. They had heaters. It was ventilated. Uh, you know, there was air flow We all sat, you know, there were maybe like six parents and a couple kids and we sat around and we Just shot the shit and we got to and i'm thinking to myself the whole time right now if i was in california

i'd be doing nothing I'd be doing nothing these guys played games. They played some games with dice That you had to get the fucking ball And unwrap it, you know, you have to unwrap and there's gifts along the way And you have to the kids have to play dice until they get matching twos Drees, you know like two twos two fours The dice have to match and then the ball gets passed to the other kid And i'm sitting there and i'm like right now my daughter would be by herself in a fucking room

Never mind playing with One two three four Five other fucking kids I was blown the fuck away People were bringing fucking cakes They had pizzas they had fucking corn dogs, you know those little fucking things I had a great slice of pizza from the motherfucking dininos Out of staten island and they're in jersey and jersey they bring all the water from staten island

The fucking jersey tremendous. This is this is a whole different fucking world It's a whole fucking different world and then saturday was the trifecta of fucking life Trifecta it couldn't have been a better fucking saturday. I listen. I live my days. I live my weeks day to day I don't know what the girls are gonna do. You know, she doesn't have school. She has champions She's got kickboxing, you know, Mike and I do the podcast two days a week. We shoot videos on the other day You know, it's always Mike has a family Mike has two children. They're learning how to fucking Shit piss, you know, he's got a thousand dilemmas himself. You know, he's got to be a dad half the fucking time So, I don't even know what the fuck I was getting who the fuck knows

New jersey man new jersey, you know You you you don't really fucking know, you know But one thing I was missing from LA that I knew Would switch as soon as I got here is I would Fall into a clique You know, I would fall into a clique

So Sad, you know, my clique has so far has been like Joe rail Can I grew up with Eddie Connors? Lives up the fucking corner from me my brother Bobby who lives in fucking Jackson You got the fucking Florentine family who was just the most brilliant family I've ever met in my life, you know I'm over there two three times a week watching football with the kids whatever yelling screaming saying fucking Shit, I shouldn't be saying it's just a lot of fun, you know

Uh Sadly, I woke up and I had to go get my wife a Christmas present And I knew the only place I I don't know what to get my fucking wife In fact, we had to go to the mall ourselves. She she sent me to the mall She goes, I know exactly what for you to get me. She goes go to this mall Go to this place They're going out of business

It's 60 off. You're gonna love it I Went to the mall. I walked in It was empty guys But I walked in there and I get fucking anxiety. Listen. I'm not a big shopper I don't like fucking going shopping if you like I do a video of myself going Shopping at the fat man store. You ever see me at the dxl store. I don't try nothing on I just run the fuck out of that

So I fucking go down there I walk into this place I'm looking around at sizes and bras and t-shirts and shit. I'm like Listen, you look at the girls tips You look at that tips and you're like Pick a bra for that bitch. You're not gonna get the right fucking bra. We don't know They got a b 34. I don't even 34 b. What's the 34? That's the size of my my back What's to be it's a b cup a c cup is to be a d cup a d you know what?

I know about two cups the two balls between my legs And that wooden fucking old 58 year old dick. That's all I know I don't know how to measure fucking d cups and bras and you know what? No, I'm not doing this shit I fucking walked out of there. I picked up a couple different christmas presents and I felt just easy shit Easy shit. I don't fucking go in deep. I'm not gonna stand in the deep line Fuck you. This is just a little knickknack. So I had to send my aunt My uncle, you know, shit. I had to get a frame for my fucking uncle shit like that. That's it I ran the fuck out and I came home. I told my wife. Look, I'll take you down there

You go in the store. I'll stand outside When the fucking you pick out whatever the fuck you want I'll go up. I'll pay for it. We'll come over and wrap it together. We'll make believe I got it for your deal done. So that that's my fucking christmas. All right, I don't I don't know nothing about christmas We ran but you know, we both checked out what we thought we should give mercy but my wife did all the fucking uh Handling the whole fucking day out of the none of that shit guys. I'm terrible at listen guys. There's some stuff I'm really good at christmas shit. I'm fucking horrible at like I'm horrible at sending christmas cards

You know, I want to take a picture of myself and then print it happy holidays from uncle joey And you're gonna get it, but I don't You don't need my face on your refrigerator or on your fucking christmas tree. All right, some company reads dad Joey, you should do like christmas balls. I don't want you to think about me christmas night Yeah, like christmas balls I swear to god They're like do two nuts acts and call them christmas balls And people could buy them and put them on their ornament if you're crazy enough to put my balls on your ornament

I can't I can't if I was 28 those are my balls to put on they were beautiful when I was 28 Too hard felt nuts now It looks like a fucking it looks like two nuts with a water balloon You know, you have a water balloon to have that nipple on the bottom Just ready to bust. Yeah, the little fucking thing. I don't even know what that nipple is for. I may have nut cancer It don't matter anymore. I don't give a fuck. I'm just happy to be doing this podcast twice a week And the patreon I'm gonna give a fuck comedy. I don't know what's gonna happen with fucking comedy Ain't nobody doing fucking comedy. You're out there just praying doing comedy now

It's like I'm gonna go down and see if I can get covid that that's your mindset How the fuck that's what it's like Dave should david tell used to have a great joke that he would go home at night and find And play find the smell find the odor Whatever the fuck one of the funniest things I've ever heard. That's us now. You're just going to fucking We're just fucking going on the road to see what comic is gonna die first That's it. That's it. That's it. We're just waiting. That's what comic is gonna die first And I know the odds are on me and another couple other guys go fuck yourself I'm not folding into your fucking hands

But sadly I had a great time Sad that woke up. I had to do some stuff with the girls The girls said to me listen mercy has to go to kickboxing in 10 I had a fucking slight window. I go fuck it. Let me run up north Run the union city pick up a gift from my wife And I call a few of my buddies. He was around I was craving a fucking Craving a fucking sausage and pepper zampanada From roses deli up in north bergen to shout out the roses deli

Fucking tremendous. I want to I've never been up there before they make. I don't know how many pounds of fresh mozzarella day I went up there a couple weeks ago. I had the the fucking prejute With the moots that I'll sandwich. I only had a half of it. It was fucking tremendous It's huge, but I can't eat the whole thing. I'll die of a fucking heart attack So I said, let me if I came all the way up here I went I went by my fucking I went by my fucking the jewelry store. I got what I needed from my wife then I said fucking I'm gonna go home and I'm the way down the hill

I stopped at the fucking cemetery. I didn't have fucking snow boots though They must have got a foot of snow up in north bergen. They've shoveled That I could go all the way down to the fucking cemetery. So I drove all the way down To the row she's at There was like an inch on each fucking tombstone. I walked around for like five fucking minutes. I'm like, fuck this Merry christmas, bitch. And I got back in my car. I love your mom, but you know, I'm not walking around out here Like I'm trekking up in alaska This ain't no reality show for national fucking geographic

Those dudes with snowshoes on this shit looking for a grave. I'll catch you next week Have a fucking great christmas. You've been there for 40 years. You ain't going nowhere No, I had to go I had to go throw a little blessing on my mom for christmas And then I said fucking I got a little fucking time left. Let me shoot up the roses and get a couple of empanadas I'll see if tundly avenues opens while you shut up tundly avenue. I went up the roses. Thank god. There was a fucking parking spot I went fucking in there. I got a couple fucking empanadas and my phone rang. It was a buddy of mine chirpy one of my best fucking friends in life. He's like, hey, man I got something for you. I go fuck it. You know what? I got something for you

I brought a couple edibles up there for some of my friends Just, you know, just in case you know, whatever the fuck they're thinking Not for me. I brought them up and I don't even have weed in the car. I just brought up. I go, you know what? chirpy has been my friend since 1979 There's not too many people I trust in the world like I trust chirpy he's just uh

You know, I'm like, I'm gonna tell you the people's nicknames I saw yesterday Just so nobody gets fucking confused. I saw chirpy and we sat in the car You know for maybe 10 minutes then we got out we bullshit for another 10 minutes And I looked at him and I'm like, I can't believe I know you for close to 42 fucking years 43 years This is just amazing chirpy's chirpy, you know

He lives at home with his mom He's a hustler. He's waiting on unemployment. He got it He's in between jobs. He's my age, but he's a genius And he was there for me when there was nothing He was there for me when people wanted to fucking shoot me So I sat with them. We bullshitted I gave him a little bit of fuck. I gave him a container edibles. He was he hit me back last night Nice and smooth and he put a picture up of his mother's chicken parmesan sandwich

He goes, I'm fucking heaven. Thank you for the edibles from there I called another buddy of mine. I go, I'm in the neighborhood. You're around. He goes, I'm around He goes, I just slipped at the park walking the dog. Let me drop the dog at home You want to get a bite to eat? I fucking said absolutely I shot up there. I met him We sat at a fucking nice restaurant. We were alone In the back just me and him and we had a nice light lunch had a nice little

bowl of lentil soup And I had a nice seafood salad, you know, nothing fried no bread. No nothing. I drank water I sat with him for maybe an hour. I got up. I gave him a hug I got in my fucking car and I shot and went to see Georgie at his fan view shop I brought him a few of the empanadas for lunch. I knew he had his hands filled So I brought him a few of the empanadas. I think I had a fucking A nice tea in the car and I gave him another some edibles I had

He was working. He was high up in it And you know, I said, listen, I'm gonna let you go because I know you're busy You got front customers coming I got my fucking car and I came home But I tell you when I was driving down Bergen Boulevard and down Kennedy Boulevard yesterday or Saturday. I'm sorry It just hit me that I just spent the day With three of the most important people in my fucking life Like some people don't get to ever do that

I mean, and you know, we all have friends. Do you remember when I did the This is not happening and I made a statement that you know The show friends ruined it for everybody Because it made people think that they had to have all these dinner parties and 20 people over. I have so many friends. I'm loved. Yeah, you're not loved. You got a bunch of fucking jerks I'm standing around you, you know, those three dudes that I saw yesterday Whether it was for 10 minutes or what was for an hour

I gotta tell you something if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here That's listen, I can tell you whatever story I want to tell you and you can believe whatever you want to believe But if it wasn't for those three guys And the combination that they came into my life first of all All those three relationships are over 40 fucking years You don't judge a man by his fucking cars Or by the little woman he drives or by the woman the woman he drives

By the car he drives or the woman the fucking trophy piece He has on his arm or whatnot. I'm looking to see if it's snowing out there. It's snowing Uh, you you judge a man by his friends I'm telling you for me. I've I've always been I've been poor I'm a fucking felon I've always had so many things not going for me. I almost killed myself in the garage I can't change a flat tire. I can't fix a car. I'm not good with a lot of shit

I'm not good at things But one thing I was always good at was being a friend like a fucking friend And to think that at this point in my life at this age That I still have those three guys in my life who pretty basically form me as a man like Jim uh chirpy Never let me down. You know those people you call a dog. I could call him I called him many a time or many dilemma where other people would have told me to go fuck myself Other people would have told me to go fuck myself

He checked me a couple times But he always took care of me and I never thought I forgot him because of that There's people in north bergen that's deciding not to talk to chirpy because of different things You know, we were kids. We got in trouble together. Hey, listen If that's what you want to do if you want to turn your back on somebody you know for 40 years We can't be fucking friends no more. I wouldn't be dick if it wasn't for this guy Because he showed me something special or friendship When nobody was my friend, you know, he was there for me. He would bring me food and

Money and you know when I was at the park. I needed a sweatshirt. He brought it to me when I was homeless Little things that he could have told everybody he didn't how much of a deadbeat I really was But he kept it to himself and he believed in me And the guy james the doctor who I had the lunch with yesterday I've known him since I was 14 years old I don't know how many times he visited me on colorado all those years I don't know how much time I don't know how many times He sent me the emergency $200 on the road

Because I bumped into a problem or something. I can't tell you all the times he was there for me Times I stayed at his house. I know his mom his dad his sister his wife, you know It's just a 40 year friendship and george jesus christ I go with george's when my mother was alive. I go with all these guys all three of them I knew since my mother was alive, so I I saw george for two minutes three minutes. We giggled about something and

you know, these are three guys that I don't even know what the fuck to say. I mean How lucky am I? But all I remember saying in that this is not happening is that who needs a hundred friends With with three people I could take over the fucking world And with those three guys next to me, I could take over the fucking world if I wanted to I just don't really want that out of the time. I'm too old. I got a fucking thought I got shit to do when people see but

That whole drive home It's a 50 minute drive home. It was a 50 minute drive home that It pushed me to tears at different times of the ride Because I cannot believe That I am so fortunate to still have these guys in my life And that they know how important they are to me in my life and trust me. I got more. I got timmy. I got divo You know, I'm one of the luckiest fucking guys in the world

You know and and when it comes to that Because I always knew you could have all the money in the world But if you ain't got a motherfucker to watch your back, what good are you? When you have money people hang out with you. Yeah When you have money coke people hang out with you It's the motherfuckers that hang out with you when you ain't got dick And before you dick these guys Knew me before

They knew me when every time they saw me they got to complain about me And they still stuck it out with me. So how fucking special do I fucking feel now? That now I could turn around and I could be I'm their friend with no fucking drama at all. I also saw my nephew yesterday Nicky ask Elise. I love this motherfucker. I saw him at roses You know, I mean, it was just a great day. I saw my friend Kathy Moran's wife I'm cutting a boulevard. It was just a great day and guess what at the end I turn around

I get back on route three the turnpike And I shoot down and I'm fucking home But guess what? I'm home no matter where I am in New Jersey I'm home. I had a fucking phenomenal time sadly up in North America. It was just phenomenal. And what did I do? Did I get high? No. Did I do blow? No. Did I get my dick sucked? No I just spent it with old friends and it felt So much better on the 19th of December. You know what I would be doing on the 19th on December in LA nothing Waiting to do my 915 spot at the comedy store here all day. I'm not waiting to do a spot no more at night

I'm just spending time with my fucking family and my friends And just being normal and just getting well on the head to change you guys are saying It's just the end of winding Yeah, I'm I'm I'm still gonna do the podcast I'm having a great time with the patreon. You guys got your fucking shirts cool fucking shirts I gotta hand it to you. I got sick and tired of looking at the fucking jesus machine gun myself It was time for a new fucking. You know what I'm saying trust me Joey, what the fuck you don't need to tell me I put that shirt on with

But the shirt with jesus with the machine gun meant something And that's what people like my friend said to me somebody on patreon said to me I can't wear that shirt around my grandfather Because he's a fucking pastor Fuck him. He should know Jesus ain't gonna come back With 12 fucking idiots this time and say hello and throw blessings on you. He's coming back with machine gun It's a different fucking world out there. You know what I'm saying? You don't think he's only got a chokehold from the fucking top

Fuck no Jesus is coming back Stronger than ever motherfuckers. So patreon. I hope you got your shirts. I hope you enjoyed them You know, I had words there that describe who the fuck I am, you know Addictions these are the mind of joey Diaz. I love doing all this shit. I love doing the patreon I love coming here and doing the podcast for you on a fucking monday and fucking wednesday. Sorry about that My dick popped out there for a second. I had to get everything fucking organized there Let me just see where we're at here

Yeah, no the fucking shirts came in Oh A little one just a little one the pepper the room, you know what I'm saying every once in a while You got to let out the speedy those models. These are no no stink farts. You know what I'm saying? These are like no flour cookies. You know that all that shit now. There's always missing of ingredients No baking cookies No, whatever this has no juice to it. This is no more. I'm doing the garlic But I changed brands the other brand was making me it was making me lose friends

This is just a little explosion between the legs and you move on 10 minutes later. Nobody gets their feelings, sir So that's it and that's that what the fuck do you want to talk about my fucking saturday was complete, man I got to see those guys I came back We went and got my dope my wife her christmas presents. Thank god I got that out of the way Uh, we got some shit to eat on the fucking

You know nothing fancy last night And then we came home and my night was really fucking made Because I went to check there was a UFC fight on saturday night And I went to check I didn't I didn't watch the fight. That's how That's that's how so far off I am that was the last Uh card for the year also Which is fucking crazy that they're not having a december 29th card But that's just to let you know where we're at. I think they've completed all the fox cards on the UFC

And uh, but we lost the UFC for the rest of the year till January whatever there's a fight, then I know we got kabeb and dust and poirier But I came home last night You know answered some emails on patreon fucked around And uh one upstairs there was a movie frozen was on something from my daughter But I went and I checked to see if the honeymoon was around at 9 30 and it was the christmas episode That's one of the best episodes ever Because at the end they break out of character

They break out of character in 1951 And they call out ednaughton and orgy meadows The tour and they fucking do a You know, they wish the audience a merry christmas the place goes fucking ape shit So I was like, I'm not fucking missing this So I came down fucking stairs I got my head together. I got tuned up I went upstairs. I told mercy mercy. Do you want to keep watching frozen?

Or do you want to watch the honeymoon? It's just like I want to watch the honeymoon So I broke out a bag of wise onion and garlic potato chips. That's what you're probably That's what that thought was an onion and garlic potato chips. It was just a regular bag Not the big big fucking gob olden bag and I broke it up into three little piles For us three and we watched the honeymoon as like a family We giggled and at the end of the episode I fucking cried because that was always my favorite episode You know, I love the fucking the the carlos and the fucking And the carlos teach him to the mambo and when he finds the suitcase filled with money

I love all those episodes, but the best one The show jacking lease his fucking heart is that christmas one. It's fucking brilliant and Just the fact That I got to watch it with my fucking daughter Just the fact, you know I've been thinking about my other daughter a lot lately jack one and Yeah, I fucked up nothing. I could do about it. She's 30 fucking years old now You know, it came and went

There's hope for our relationship But I know that there isn't really the damages done You know put away the whip the pony's dead type deal But it's so weird. I'm sitting there with mercy last night watching the honeymooners And I'm getting to do Everything I wanted to do with jackie growing up You know, it's saturday night. I should be in some show entertaining some theater and laughing and smoking pot and having a good time

But I got to be honest with you. I'm having a better time sitting there with my daughter Watching the honeymooners on a fucking saturday night with my daughter and my wife The fucking honeymooners ends at 10 My wife looks at me at 10 15 and says she's going to bed And I sit around until 11 30 12 by myself writing listening to music Getting this ready getting that ready looking through my albums Getting ready for the whole new week coming up But it's just so weird that I got such a great fucking second chance

You know, and I'm so fucking grateful And that never leaves my mind any fucking day You know, I got a chance to come home just come back I got a chance that it was a great week the snowstorm You know, I finally pulled the cars into a garage with which made it even feel more like fucking home and then I got to see the three people in my life, you know, and like I said, I'm gonna see some more friends this week Hopefully I'll get to see Timmy. He's a big part of my fucking life. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see the gear

and uh divo and uh To really make my you know, today, I'm gonna see My other brother Bobby I'll see Joe rail, you know, I'm definitely gonna see the motherfucking florentine crime family My favorite people in the fucking world, you know, it's so weird. I was explained to him last week That like in january or february I got approached to do this really

odd job I had assigned paperwork, you know to I had assigned an 80 or whatever the fuck they call it So I wouldn't tell what the show was about but the network is working on the show um You know, I could talk about the I could talk around the show But I'm gonna show you the lesson that I learned from not doing this

I gotta I got Reached out to me whatever like somebody from the outside said hey, these guys want to talk to your dear friend of mine He said they have an idea. They sold it It got picked up by a network They're gonna get picked up for 13 episodes and they're really interesting you In being one of the co-host or whatever And I go okay, what's the show about and they said the guy's gonna call you and he called me there's a show right up my fucking alley Right up my alley and

It was a show about the witness relocation plan And the people who have gone into it and now they've changed lives and blah blah blah and blah blah blah Uh, they had a 13 episode commitment and Fucking it was loot It was loot. It was real loot The pandemic hadn't started yet so I was still

You know doing okay with the stand up um I was like, hey, that sounds interesting. It's taking me off the road for a couple months you know, and it was uh Then I met with the guys I had like a conference call with them and they were okay and then we met for like a little bit of a dinner And they really broke it down to me to what I would be doing and it was uh

Interviewing guys that have been into the witness relocation plan And what they have done and how good it was for them Just all this bullshit, you know But out of the 13 episodes It was one like pilot episode And then it was 12 guys that were basically All of them were italian mobsters You know, for example, there was a guy in houston texas

Who was jersey and he opened up a strip club down there. I don't think he's still down there. They were just Isolated guys, you know, but it was basically organized Italian mafia guys, you know Yeah, I was all in I was all in In fact, they had one of the Witnesses call me. He got he was a lot older now I always thought the guy that they made called me You know from reading his books and whatever and it's not sammy the booger vinyl

By the way, I hope you enjoyed that fucking pilot episode of sammy the bull Gravano's pilot. I told you his podcast is going to be fire. He's a great storyteller He's got great stories and he lived them This isn't somebody's son or somebody's sidekick. Anyway, enjoy sammy the bull's podcast I don't know what the name of it is. Look it up. It's definitely on youtube Fucking sirens fbi reports great fucking podcast I don't know dick about dick. I in fact, I get a call The producer asked me do you want to talk to this guy because he's gonna it was his idea. He sold it

He's in the witness relocation plan. He's the next gambino guy And uh, he's older So as I got on the phone with him after three minutes I read his book 20 years ago, you know when I moved to LA. I knew I was gonna get cast To do all those roles so I read as many mafia books as I could Just so I could always have characters in my head to work with It's a stupid thing. But whatever it worked 20 years ago people change

so I fucking uh Talked to the guy and after five minutes I knew from reading his books this guy was filled the shit kind of sort of But now from talking to him on the phone He was uh full of shit He was an ex gambino. He was like an ex gambino associate I mean all these guys are basically like low-level guys But they blow themselves up to be bigger level guys

Samuel bull was Samuel bull that motherfucker was an underboss. That's a big different fucking story I'm talking about like Louis fingernails From the lukezi family in new jersey and all the it was just like fucking And I ended up talking to the guy from the gambinos And I think I talked to an old banana guy, you know on the phone of So they were gonna fly him. We were gonna shoot in san diego and you know

The money was good. I told him I was interested And then one night it was like what I tell you guys happens. I go to bed early Something is on my mind. I wake up at three in the fucking morning and I I You know having insomnia as I'm pissing it's I'm pissed about something Something's bothering me if I wake up in the middle of the night because something's bothering me so I fucking uh

You know sit down I get the notebook out and all of a sudden the head starts going in the journal and it's basically I don't want to do this job Like I'm like, I don't want to do this job. I don't care how much they're gonna pay me per episode You know, I don't care if the fucking show blows up and I miss out I don't want to do this. I don't want to glamorize something That I don't fucking believe in that's number one. I don't want to glamorize rat And number two is like, how can I give these guys a spotlight? Do you know how much fucking like the three dudes I met yesterday all three of them are fucking italians

Like all three of them are fucking italians You know George is like mix. He's like a fucking mutt. He's like a half breed But he starts italian. Um, the other two guys are full, you know, strength proud hard-working blue collar italians And I thought to myself Fuck when I thought when my mother died italians took me in When you know, I was growing up italians took me in italians took me in italians took me in

You know what man? I don't need the money that much to fucking. I mean we could all need a lot of fucking money But I don't need the money that bad to betray The people that helped me growing up So I said, fuck it. I'm not gonna take this job I called the guy and I gave the guy some excuse because they were gonna shoot Uh Like the first week of february they were gonna shoot the pilot

I called the guy gave him some excuse about Something but deep down inside. I didn't want to do it because I didn't want All the kids that helped me become who I am today, especially the italian ones my friends. I didn't want them To look at me in a weird fucking Way after that. I mean it'd still be my friends, but I did something over money that they gave me over friendship So I turned the fucking job down I said, I don't want the job the pandemic came

I never said nothing to nobody When they decided to close the fucking schools I called one person Jimmy florentine because I knew his sister Was a real tyrant or sister-in-law trish was a real tyrant. I knew he could Help me out and guess what they did help me out And guess what they're my new family here in jersey. So sometimes you gotta fucking Take a pass on something to make something better and now

We're probably gonna spend one of the nights for christmas with them They're a true family than my family. I don't know why i'm telling you this story. I'm telling you the story because I wanted to tell you that every fucking move has a consequence And the universe never fucking forgets if I would have sold out my fucking italian Brothers and sisters for a fucking paycheck I wouldn't be in this house right now And I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today because I turned my back on somebody. So i'm happy today

That I haven't that didn't take that fucking job over fucking money. It's not you know, I left LA I left money on the table in LA Because I wanted to come back here and have What I just described to you was family friends the holidays snow

And just being fucking happy. I hope you guys enjoyed the podcast today from the bottom of my heart I know it's monday the 21st. A lot of you people Having a hard time Fuck all that shit next year's our year. I promise you this year was supposed to be the year of the savage Things fell apart Some chinese people lit a firecracker and some of us got fucked up. What are you gonna fucking do? Who are you gonna blame? You got nobody to blame

We're gonna make it through next year and next year will be a better year And by then we'll figure out what we're gonna do with this fucking podcast how we get guessed I looked at an office this week. I just went and looked but it's in a building I can't have that I want an office that has a daughter outside So people aren't worried about covid when we get them as guests and what not anything Vities wednesday night the 23rd That i'm not gonna do anything if I do something next week I'll let you guys know on wednesday's podcast

I might do something at one of the other clubs in jersey next week Just to get you out of outside of christmas Just to see some people be limited Capacity I was really thinking of doing a new year's pay-per-view with jimmy florentine And uh rich voss we're gonna just find the bar and do it but you know what man you can't be out past 10 You can't have more than 25 fucking people You know for you guys to feel a pay-per-view in the house you got to feel the energy in the fucking room

I'll let you guys have a nice new year what I am going to do for new years is At some point of the night Do some type of live stream for patreon? Check in with you guys smoke a joint with you. Maybe drink a glass of champagne Which may be the netable or you're something like that. Is that good? What do you think if that'll work? That'll work. I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you for having my back and now for a word from our sponsors

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