Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #028 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, We talk about what it means to be a friend.... This episode is brought to you by ONNIT & DraftKings...... Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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It's time to make some fucking Geetus download draft Kings code Joey Candles late cock suckers You What's What's up you bad motherfuckers, it's Wednesday, the 6th, it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. It's surgery week, I'm walking around having a nervous breakdown, you know what I'm saying? Listen, the good thing about this fucking surgery is I'm gonna have a fucking tremendous

story for you guys. I already got stories from the week to stress test. I'm saving them, I'm holding on to them because today's a special date, but fucking Friday I can't, but I've been having anxiety attacks, the other day I had to gym on Monday, I fucking started lifting and I couldn't catch my breath at one point and I started sweating profusiously on a lot of Joey Dears. I don't know if anybody ever saw me before, I got clean off coke, after I got clean off coke on stage I wouldn't sweat.

When I was doing coke and I would go on stage, oh my fucking god what would come out of me, it was like a steam bath, I would sweat fucking profusiously. Can you believe that? What a difference? Like if you've ever seen me, you've never really seen me sweaty on stage, you don't see me, I don't sweat at all, not even my fucking armpits, they're drier than fuck, but when I was snorting coke and I would go on stage, an onslaught of sweat would just fucking come out of me, let me tell you something, every time the funniest thing about surgery for

me is I always got to give blood or you always got to fucking, you know, that the fucking give you like a, what do you call it, intravenous, whatever that shit is, I got to tell you something, whenever the nurses grab my hand they always go, hmm, you a big pommie, no shit, I'm about to, I'm about to do what I hate. Hate doing the most, anything to do medically, listen, I don't give a fuck, you know me, I'm fucking out of my mind, thank God, I thank God every fucking day that I don't like needles because I wouldn't be here right now, I'd be a fucking needle, I would've became a heroin fucking junkie, thank God I don't have that fucking, you know, some people could look

at needles and I just saw a shot on fucking 60 minutes last night and I almost fainted sitting there two nights ago, three nights ago, I'm watching 60 minutes and the fucking they gave somebody like a vaccine shot and I had to look away, I almost fucking fainted, my wife looked at me and she goes, oh, that one got you, you know, like sometimes you get stuck looking at the TV and you don't turn away soon enough, that's what happened, I was all mowed up and fucking, all of a sudden I'm like, what the fuck, like I can't stand this shit, but so this week I'm going to have some type of story for you, hopefully Monday I'll be here because I don't have to do physical therapy Monday and I got to fucking drive,

I don't have to drive, somebody's going to have to fucking drive me, I got like 10 drivers on fucking call right now, so, but I start physical therapy on Monday so I really don't know what my schedule is, I'm going to talk to Mike and we're going to try to make this fucking happen, even if I have to do it from a couch or from my fucking recliner, whatever the fuck we need, we're going to bring you something, you know, I'm sorry, if I'm not going to look good, what are you going to do, look, do you think like I'm not, I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm past the point of wanting to look good, I just want to live and not get COVID, that's it, you imagine I get COVID, I don't get fucking surgery,

that's another thing I'm living with all week, what if I get COVID, my friend wanted to come over, I told him no, my other buddy wanted to go to dinner, I'm avoiding him like he's fucking, got AIDS, you know, I'm just avoiding everybody, like I just want to do this surgery, I'm not going to chicken out on you guys, you know me better than that, I went to, the other day I saw Jim Florentine, the brother of Bob, great guy, all his brothers are great guys, but Bob is just extra sweet, and Bob is like listen man, if you need a ride down Friday, I'll give you a ride, I go what if it's at six in the morning, he goes you got it, I'll give you a ride, and I'm looking at him, I'm like this guy doesn't know that

if he gives me a ride, I just might hug him to death, like I might just hold him in the car and say don't let me, don't let them take me, don't let them take me, because you know, he's such a sweetheart, so I don't know, I'm hoping that, I'm only fucking with you guys, you guys know that, I'll fucking walk in there, I'll swallow up my little faggy fucking attitude and I'll get this done with, I'm just, this is not my fault, this is not one of my strong points, when I did my strengths and weaknesses, number one was going to doctors, it's not my strong point, I swear to God, you know what I'm making an appointment for the doctor, and they make it up, like let's say I'm going to see the doctor, it could be anything, because

you can't trust nobody, I always ask them, I don't care if I have to go to the doctor for my toe, I'm like is there going to be a needle involved, and they're like they shouldn't take me, okay, I just want to know, because every once in a while they'll throw by the way on me, I'll get down in there like oh wait we have to do a blood test or something, I'm like I'm not fucking prepared, I need my fucking little earphones, I need my little fucking Santana and my iPod, oh there's a process for me to give blood, like before the stress test the other day, you don't even know what the fuck I did, and how retarded Uncle Joey really is, see I'm retarded, and I've told you people for years but you people

don't believe me, you think I'm fucking with you, I'm retarded, so I had a stress test at 9.15, I couldn't eat three hours before the stress test, so I sat there long for four, I got up, and I ate, I smoked dope, and I ate, even though I wasn't supposed to smoke for the 24 hours before the fucking thing, I couldn't drink caffeine, I got to go there without fucking coffee, you know how hard it is to get in your car, to go, do you have any idea how hard it is for a guy like me to get in this car and drive, to go get a needle, do you have any fucking idea, it's like driving to go follow Dom Herrera back in the day, like when I'd see my name on the schedule in the main room and I'd go who am

my following, like Dom Herrera, fuck, I'd have to drive down Sunset doing like 20, like fucking 20 in the right hand lane, if there was a guy, like you know, a car popped up, I would pray to God thank God there's a valet fucking stuck holding up this line, I don't want to go to the store and fucking die of slope debt, it's worse than that when I have to go to the fucking doctor, like I have to go all the way to fucking, I don't even know, I don't even want to say where I got to go, it's like 20 minutes, 20, 25 minute drive, those 25 minutes guys, the arrow beat down to 60 in my car, I will be pouring sweat will be coming out of me, my handlebars, if I go to make a right, you'll see my hands slip off the steering wheel, because my hands

become just fucking, they just become like a sponge man, so I'm looking forward to this, the lat, I'm doing the same thing I did when I got the fat ball taken out, the night before I'm going to go to the bank and take out 200 bucks in 50s and shove them up my ass during the surgery, so if I have to make a quick getaway after the surgery, I got no problems, the time when they took the fat ball out of my neck though, I put $450 bills up my ass, I cupped them up real small, and I kept them in there because they don't let you put underwear on, I told you I'm retarded, did I not tell you I'm retarded? I took the 50, I folded them, I folded them again, I folded them again, and I didn't put it all the way up my asshole,

I'm not a fucking, yeah, but deep, deep, deep, like during the surgery, like the tip of the $50 bill was ticking my asshole or whatever, when I woke up in fucking recovery, I went off, that's what I'm scared of the most, that my wife has to go pick me up, because she can't, you know, you can't go to the hospital and be there, so my wife is going to have to go pick me up, so they're going to have to call my wife and I'm going to have to wait those 20, 30 minutes, let me tell you something, those 20, 30 minutes of me waiting are going to be fucking in a recovery room, you have no fucking idea, and you're hungry and you're thirsty and you're going to have a mask on, you have no fucking idea how petrified I am right now, but how petrified I was that day

when they took the fat ball out, when I woke up, and I've had one, two, three, four, four surgeries since I met you guys, okay, yeah, oh yeah, I got put under, yeah, I don't know, no, no, no, no, no, listen guys, when I go to the dentist, I only went under one time, I don't like that, dental pain is not that bad, you could, you don't even feel the dentist, I go to the dentist, I don't even fucking feel, when I did my teeth this last time, the chick with Dr. Sherry up in North Hollywood, I give her the highest recommendation, I didn't feel shit, and you know me, I'm a fucking bussy, I didn't feel dick, I even asked her to put more in, because I didn't feel nothing, I want to fuck it, it's like a fake little cocoy, you're all fucking, you're all, I remember driving

all, I was all fucked up, somebody called me like, what are you doing, I'm over here, what's the matter Joey, that's a nice, yeah, I'm over here, a friend of mine accused me that night, she calls me up and she's like, you're slurring, yeah, I'm fucking slurring, because I've been in a fucking dentist chair since, that's, listen, this is, anyway, I was in a dentist chair from nine to 12, and then they gave me a break, and I came back from 3.30 to 7.15, do you want to fucking stand me, they had to do eight fucking teeth and take them out and rip them out, you have no fucking idea guys, I sat in that fucking thing, thinking you had getting drilled from 3.30 to 7.30, and I kept telling her throughout the thing, pop me, hit it, hit it, hit it, and she

kept popping me with these little things, picking it up and shit, big, big, big, hit it, hit it, you know, because I just didn't want to feel the drill, I could, I could smell it, you could smell the fucking teeth in the air, you're like, what the fuck, whose asshole did I eat, and they've got antiques in my fucking teeth, the smell was fucking horrible, but my point is that when I walked out of there, I'll never forget this, like, you know, I'm in a dentist chair for five fucking hours, four, let's not exaggerate Joey, four, five, six, yeah, three hours, three and a half hours, let's say, right, getting hit with that fucking, that liquid cocaine, bang, bang, bang, bang, I drive myself to CVS while I'm at the dentist, I'm missing calls, right, I'm missing fucking calls, right,

so my friend calls me, she's like, you miss fucking sober, AA, whatever, but you know, she's concerned about me all the time, so she called, I call her back and go, how you doing, what's going on, you know, and she's telling me the whole thing, she goes, why are you slaring, and I go, we have been looking at the fucking dentist for three thirty, she's like, you have a problem, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, like, I had to call her the next day and go, what the fuck is your problem, you fucking AA people, like, and I'm sorry, I don't mean to, there's some AA people that take it to an extreme, I've supported her since day one, you know, she lives in fucking Florida now, whatever the fuck, I've supported her

since day one with her journey, rehabs, the whole fucking thing, but when she, this final latch AA, she's just been a nut, she's been so benowned, maybe four years, but she, the only way she could do it for her was to be like, you know, like she's the VP and the treasurer of the NA, and she's like a regional whatever, she had to do this, guys, I've known her for 30 years, she was a fucking mess, she had to do this, so, but we care about each other, you know, we've been friends since fucking Boulder, we've been friends, so when she called me, she's like, hey man, you know, what is your problem, why are you high, because she always sees, watched the podcast and go, you're getting too high on the podcast, what the, we're just doing

fucking edibles, I could see if we were fucking doing heroin and drinking booze and shit, I was dying to drink New Year's Eve, I didn't even have a fucking drink New Year's Eve, because I'm concerned about the fucking sugar towards the diabetes, can you believe the fact I fucking become, 20 years ago I would drink whatever the fuck I wanted, now, the other night, when I made that video for you guys, the one without the volume, that I was, and it got lost, it's not on YouTube no more either, really, yeah, I can't find it, I went to find it because I was in the dump at like a Chinese movie, I was gonna try to talk over it, it's fun to fuck with you guys, have Mike redo it up, so I could talk over it and fucking, you know, like a Chinese movie,

but I couldn't even find it, yeah, you just can't fucking see it, so I'm sorry about that guys, so yeah, I'm at the fucking CBS and she's like, you're slurring, yeah, I'm fucking slurring, fucking coked up for the last four fucking hours, what, yeah, after you even did this, they gave me antibiotics, they gave me antibiotics, they gave me ibuprofen, the strongest 1200 milligram, which are great compared to those fucking, you know, that's, I'm waiting for a call now from a lady that hangs out, her daughter hangs out with Mercy and she's a pharmacist at CVS, he's the head pharmacist at one of the CVS is close to here and I want to talk to her about my pain options, so when I have the surgery, I don't want those oxy fucking codons, I don't

want none of that shit, but I was talking to Kate Quigley and she was telling me that her boyfriend had the knee surgery and he went against the pain pills and one night he woke up in the middle of the night with fucking pain, he had knee reconstruction and he woke up fucking screaming in pain and they had to take him back to the hospital and shoot him with a pain thing, so I don't know what to fucking do, last time I ate a fucking pain pill was after that fucking dentist and that's the day I fell off my fucking bike, that's it, that's why I don't ever, I don't want to take those fucking pills, I fell off my fucking bike, didn't even know I was taking them, I thought I was taking the ibuprofen and I left the fucking Vikings right next to it and I don't

see without my glasses, so I just went in there, I'd fall in the morning, pop one, I'm on the bike at seven, so I just had a bad experience with them so I don't want nothing to do with them. It's January 6th and about a week ago somebody sent me an email, it's so weird how the karmic, let's call them the karmic god works, whatever god is out there, I don't know, whatever energy is out there, I don't know how it works but it's so weird, January 6th is a birthday of somebody who was very very close to me and I let that person down and every January fucking 6th, every year in January, the first week of January, I get a little bummed out, it's weird because my daughter's birthday is Friday so you know I always think about January 6th

because it's a friend of mine's birthday, that's what I was trying to say and I let her down a long time ago and I wanted to talk about it today to keep her spirit alive, you know, until this day I've always told people that one of the guys most responsible for helping my career, I mean like I've always said and I said you need three people and you can take over the fucking world, you know, Joe Rogan has always been my number one spokesman, he's always had my back in comedy, you know, I got a bunch of those guys, you know, Duncan, Ari, we were all tight, we were all woven from the red band, we were all woven from the same, Ari really helped me out a lot with comedy, we helped each other, Ari got me my agent but Ari did something, got me on that,

this is not happening and you know I've been friends with Ari for a long time so I told Ari a lot of stories of my life and when he created This Is Not Happening he would tell me what stories he wanted to hear on the stage, you know, and except for the first time, the first time we did it, you know, you got to give Ari a lot of credit, you know, what happened with him was a year ago, he made a mistake, it didn't change my opinion of him, he's just a fucking knucklehead, if you know Ari, you know he's a knucklehead and you know his intentions weren't bad, if you're still mad at him go fuck yourself, get over yourself, you know, Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself but Ari's a great guy and he did something for me,

you know, everybody has done something different for me but he looked at me from a different direction, he had heard me on the road with Rogue and you know me and him would stay downstairs, me him and the red band and we would tell stories whatever and he would hear these stories and I think he would put like mental notes in his mind, I think he fucking knew he wanted to do this, first time we did the storyteller show, he did that fucking thing in the back of the improv, no booze, it was 10 bucks or five bucks to get in, there was maybe 50 people in the back, it was the back thing of the improv and I remember going down there, I was going to tell a story about mugging somebody or something in Hudson County Park and I ended up when I was down there, it was

Mark Marin, Steve Agee, Steve Agee, nice kid and Mark Marin and I had to follow Steve and Steve made a Pink Floyd reference so Mark Marin made a Pink Floyd reference so I went up there and told the Pink Floyd story and it was great, I think it's still on YouTube, you could tell that it was the first this is not happening with no fucking, it was like a phone camera or something, I think it's even in two parts, you have to look for Joey Diaz's Pink Floyd story part one and two, I think that's what it is, I didn't have any idea what storytelling was, I didn't know, he just told me to come down there and tell a fucking story, I went on stage and told the story and people weren't fucking crazy over a fucking story, over a Pink Floyd story and then he kept raising the

levels higher and higher, you know then they went on to digital so before Comedy Central picked up the show they went digital and he came to me and he told me that he wanted me to tell a story about the lady who raised me and I was like my godmother and he goes no no the lady who took care of you after your mother died and I'm like oh it's right it's so fucking weird that if you haven't seen that on This Is Not Happening I think it's my best work and you know I hate everything I fucking do, I hate everything I do, I hate the dog, I hate everything I do, this is not happening to me on my best fucking work because I was free, it was for Ari, like my motivation was different, it was for Ari, it really wasn't for the audience, it was for Ari, I wanted to,

I didn't want Ari to look bad, I'm one of those dudes and when it comes to my friends I don't want you to look bad, it's like people always say to me why do you pay for the UFC's, you could just steal them, I'll give you the code and I'm like what would happen if fucking Dana White knew I stole a thing and called Joe, how embarrassed would I be, Joe would say to me all you need to do is call me, I'll give you the 70 fucking dollars, do you know what I'm saying, I mean so when it came to Ari and Comedy Central I had to give him the best because out of respect for him, did you ever see him at Comedy Central doing anything else, no Ari went to Comedy Central and said you got to put Homie on and he didn't know, they were like no he's not you know he's not one

of our little fucking Gentiles that is safe, Ari said you got to put him up, this guy's going to take it to the next fucking level and if you watch those things I fucking did because I knew Ari had a fight for me to get me on those things but one of the best ones I ever did, the one we're beating up the none is good you know, he loved that one, I remember the first time I told him that he fucking went crazy and he told me say it on stage and then we came to New York and fucking he made it before we went up, I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight Ari, he goes just tell a story, tell this thing, he goes I dated tell that fucking story about you know fucking beating up the none that's how that came out, guys I did that cold opening up for New York and for Rogan and at a theater in New

York maybe 10 years ago cold never wrote it on paper never did nothing he goes go up there and just try it but he got to lose like oh you're right I got nothing to lose I fucking went up there and destroyed the first time with that none joke just from fucking memory then I went home and sat down and polished it up and added the fucking you know the Puerto Ricans and I love Italian we picked her up by the feet and we took her shoes that came later but the original funny bro this is crazy every every time I go to Carney like I had to go to Carney a couple weeks ago I go over to that fucking school and I look at that school it's like a fucking playground now whatever the fuck it is I can't believe we beat up that fucking none till this day I really cannot

fucking believe that and I'm gonna go to hell for that but but Ari like Ari wanted that story like I think I the first thing I did with Ari was is all right he really wanted me to tell the story he goes people got to know about this because people think your mother just died and you were an orphan you know people I want people who you were taking care of and I've never said that I was just you know I never wanted people to think that my mother just died and I ended up on the fucking street that wasn't the case at all the benders took me and I had options okay it wasn't like that and it was so weird like nobody contacted me like usually your mother dies the state contact you know says who you live in what you're gonna have to go to a group home until they adopt

you whatever nobody said nothing to me it was like nothing ever happened I just got up and moved in with the benders we didn't register we didn't do anything but the only two living relatives I basically had was my sister in Cuba she was no good to me and my uncles and aunts in Cuba and I had an uncle in California and he was me and him were on the fucking outs so the only one at that time we weren't on the outs we were I was young when my mother died he came to the funeral he you know he did his brotherly thing and he left after a couple days he gave me some money and he gave me his number and he said call me if you need something or if you need to come out and I took it up I took the offer up four years later that's a complete different story

but as soon as my mother died Zorada was my mother's best friend and what people understand like this is why I take friendship very fucking seriously like Mercy's gonna be eight on Friday and I gotta tell you something I told my wife this you know I go I'm lucky I have mercy I'm lucky that I have mercy because this year particularly I think somebody really got hurt I think since last December fate was for the last year year and a half there's been a handful of people that indirectly and directly have been fucked with me it doesn't bother me you know me I give them all the rope in the world because I give them ropes so they can hang themselves I give them rope because they don't know that I'm a fucking savage and I told my wife about a week ago we're

sitting up standing there and I believe can you believe Mercy's gonna be fucking eight and a week and I said to her you know what a lot of people should thank Mercy a lot of people should get up every morning and go thank god for fucking mercy because if I didn't have mercy right now the last couple years and I didn't have and I just had my wife let me tell you something in my fifties especially after what I've accomplished already I wouldn't mind doing a couple years in jail you know I'm saying just at the end just to prove my fucking point you know like I wouldn't mind I wouldn't mind dying in a fucking cell and I know you people are crazy you know I don't want to die in a cell what I'm trying to say to you people is if I didn't have mercy the last eight

years I mean I look at mercy I kiss her every day like 25 fucking times I kiss her in the morning I tell her I love her but I thank her I thank her every day my daughter knows me my daughter knows me better than most fucking people a lot of people you know this year was a bad year for my friends a lot of my friends got beat up this year and a lot of the people that beat up my friends if this if I didn't have mercy I would have been shooting people I don't know if you people know this about me that I'm not all fucking that and I don't like people messing with my fucking friends I do not like it at all and a lot of my friends got messed with this year I got messed with this year a lot of people I cared for got messed with this year and it's so weird like all you motherfuckers better

be thankful I got mercy because at 58 I'm crazy and fucking ever trust me I get thoughts that come into my mind that would rattle you I am still a fucking derelict criminal I just the comedy and the family and everything is taking all that stuff away from me but trust me I have thoughts in my mind like I forgave my wife my ex-wife I don't mean my wife or even me and my ex-wife or even I've forgiven everybody I'm not mad at anybody I'm just letting you know I'm happy that I have a daughter because I was like I already did everything I wanted to do I did movies I did the comedy store the documentary I'll be on the documentary like they'll go that guy was on the documentary he's doing time for stabbing a motherfucker ten times or shooting somebody I swear to fucking god I have

I'm thankful for mercy you know and when I was younger I was out of my fucking mind and but Zahraida could always calm me down so after my mother died you know I mean my mother died at three in the morning and Zahraida was already there I think I called her at fucking eight and Zahraida got there I don't know maybe nine thirty she lived in Long Island at the time and she used to her operation was out of Spanish Harlem and on in 13th by the by Spanish Harlem by the park that was her operation there she had a second floor apartment over a little fucking bodega dog I could live to be 80 I'll never forget being a kid and walking up those steps in the 70s and seeing all the junkies fucking nodding the hallways and it was way better than going to

any fucking zoo or any movie or any fucking love bug in the world like I I knew they were on some type of drug I just didn't know what but I enjoyed seeing people like all fucking I mean that that's that's why I think I dosed people from me seeing all those people at a young age all fuck she was on the second floor so we had to go this way and then there was like a landing and then you went up to the second floor and you knocked on the door there was like two doors in the hallway let me tell you something there would always be three dudes like three monkeys you know like those three fucking monkeys there would be three of them laid out fucking vomit next to them it was disgusting but so entertaining when you're six and seven that you find I love going up there I would beg

my mother take me this alright it's not you gotta go to school today fuck I'm not gonna be able to see the fuck and whatever the whole neighborhood was great they had great food downstairs it was Spanish Harlem it was the fucking 70s they had this thing called a Marqueta I don't know if it's still there oh my god lord they had good shit in there so every time I would love going over to Serratus on when my mother died you know she was my mother's best friend I called her up I told her that we found my mother she showed up she pretty much you know I was out of it throughout the whole wake she pretty much carried the wake you know she did the whole fucking thing she waited there until they buried my mother and then she goes I'm gonna stay with you for two weeks I want you to

stay here for two weeks and settle in let me stay with you let me take care of you cook for you and Thanksgiving you can move in with the benders my mother died on the 8th I think they buried it like on the 12th or the 13th or something like that so she stayed with me for those 10 days and we really got to talk we got to talk about my mother she told me about where she came from in Cuba when she stabbed the fucking guy with her sister you know she told me a lot of things about my mother I didn't know it was really it was really great of her you know and then Thanksgiving day I moved in with the benders and every Sunday I would meet Zahraida at a bar called Ados in Union City it was on 30th and New York Avenue there I forget the guy that owned it he

was he played for the Chicago Bulls from Union City he's dead rest in peace thank god he's dead they used to rob him like every other week the poor bastard I used to work in that I used to work in that bar that guy gave me a bartending job at 17 years old I quit high school and I had the Wednesday at 7 a.m. shift and Monday nights but that came later don't worry about that that came later or when I was being my mom died when I was 15 16 Zahraida stayed with me and then she made a fucking promise that she was gonna take care of me until I got to be a man and I got to tell you guys I learned a lot from her I learned that experience of being around her got me here with you guys because it taught me how to be a friend it taught me what friends do and it taught

me that it's not about money like everybody thinks it's about money and boats and bitches and get your dick sucked and hanging out with celebrities let me tell you what it's about it's about friendships man your bank account doesn't match the value of your friendships if you if you have to 20 million dollars but you don't have good friends your life ain't worth shit and you just don't get good friends you have to grow good friends you have to water friends and they water you it's the same fucking thing it's cultivating you just enough people think that you're just gonna go online swipe and meet the woman or your fucking dreams and it's gonna all work out then they get mad at you and they get it why would marry four times because you made four bad fucking choices you didn't

cultivate your fucking friendships I've cultivated my friendships and I learned from Zahraida because I saw how her and my mother did it from the time I was fucking four to the 16th till she died I saw two people who had each other's back fucking without any reservation you understand me I mean that's the first story she told me was how my mother went down with my father and saved her in Chicago because Zahraida had come to this country heard my mother with Titan Cuba my mother went to New York with my father Jersey and Zahraida went with her new construction cop husband I think it was a cop in Cuba to Chicago and then when they got to Chicago he started beating her severely and started pimping around she called my mother my mother and Manolo my father got a gun and a

fucking knife and a broom and like a fucking dustpan yeah my mother she told me they came with a broom and a knife and fucking you know and they pulled her out of there in Chicago and they drove her back to fucking New York they helped to set up a business until this then that's how she became fucking wealthy my father lent us some money so she always felt connected like she owed my mother so through that connection after my father died she came she could have just left me alone guys and not given a fuck no she stayed with me for those two weeks and then she made a promise to me that every Sunday she would come and guys from the time my mother died to the time I left April 25th 1983 to Colorado she showed up every Sunday or at least every other Sunday we'd meet at

Dotto's we'd drive down to fucking the cemetery I just thought her driver's face that's so weird we'd uh she'd bring a bottle of pinch from my mother and spread it on the fucking grave put some bumps on my mother's grave throw me 200 cash and give me a nickel bag from Spanish Harlem I would call her every day I would talk to her every day she wanted me to check it you know she always wanted me to check in check in she told me I want you to take the place of your mother do you remember how me and your mother spoke three times a day yes that's what good friends do call me in the morning call me at lunch and call me at dinner so every day I was trained she trained me she goes this is what friends do you check in she goes me and your mother have

been doing this since 1940 checking in checking in and she sometimes I would call her like after six months that my mother died I would call her as she would cry she goes I could still hear that same tone that your mother has in your voice even though you're a man it's weird because I hear it in my uncle when I speak to my uncle I kind of get emotional for like a minute because I hear my mother in his voice also so I understand what Zerida was saying to me Zerida took care of me guys from 1979 with never complaining never threw it in my face never said nothing to me you know yes I did lie to her to get money from her from time to time even though she was going to give it to me anyway I just wanted to expedite it or something you know I loved her it wasn't like

I was using her I loved her with all my heart she had become like my second mom you know and I wasn't the case at all it just was uh I was young I was dumb and I was fucking stupid you know I was every time I go into the city to do something illegal I'd always stop by her and check in with her I'd go downstairs with my own money and I'd buy her a Cuban sandwich and to surprise her and bring her upstairs to her I knew she liked Cuban sandwiches from a certain spot so uh you know I tried my best when I went to Colorado I kept in touch with her I did exactly what she said I called her every fucking day when I was in Colorado she did not send me money I did not let her send me money I told her I was fine even though she would call me and say do you need

for me to send you money nah I thought by 83 by the time I was fucking 20 I was too old for somebody to give me money I mean you know at that time listen I didn't even take Social Security when your parents die you're supposed to collect Social Security for some reason or another they said my mother didn't work enough quarters and my father but I could have fucking fought it and took it to court or whatever and got an attorney I said I'm not taking money from the country I'm just I'd rather steal it from a drug dealer than take money out of the fucking you know disability claims or some fake fucking thing like that and that's what I did I didn't take any money from her in Colorado there was all my own money then when I came back in 84 85 84 February of 84

I would take coke from her I wouldn't take money I go no no I don't need any money I'll take the coke and sell it at that time she she had horrible cocaine it was horrible it was street cocaine Harlem cocaine you know 50 pure shit like that I would sell it to some idiots I knew and make some extra cash and they would cut it or smoke it or shoot it I had no idea but I love Zory I always bought a Christmas presents I did everything in my world but then 84 came and 84 was this is why I tell people you know I didn't journal in 79 I didn't journal in 1980 I didn't journal in 82 I didn't journal in 83 I didn't journal in 84 and this is why I believe in the journal because in 1984 I pretty much had a nervous breakdown from what happened

to me in 1979 you know when you like right now I'm a different person I know this you know my stand-up is different my podcast is different why what is the answer is jody is not funny anymore no I'm still a funny motherfucker I still feel it I really do still feel it what is going on is that I'm mourning a loss I'm mourning a life loss a whole life got taken from me you know the comedy store the road it all got taken from me so there has to be some type of feeling if I didn't get up and write about this every fucking day how I feel and why I'm feeling this way and why I have little bouts of anxiety if I didn't do this every day now and about two or three years from now I'd have the nervous breakdown I had 84 this is why I fucking journal and this is why I preach

that fucking journal as much as I do so many on patreon the other day hit me up and they said hey man we don't want to blow smoke up your ass I started journaling three months ago my life has changed completely listen you got to check on those skeletons from time to time that I'm the don't like to sit in the closet alone you got to check them on those motherfuckers from time to time and with journaling you do it and we all have skeletons in the closet we all have our own personal skeletons in our fucking head you know I have what I did was a writer the only way I forgave myself when 84 came I lost my fucking mind you know I lost my mind over the drugs I lost my mind over the fucking uh you always have these people they call you twice you have anybody who calls

you fucking twice why you call me twice if I didn't pick up the first time what makes you think I'm gonna pick up the fucking second time what the fuck is wrong with people you know what I'm saying that now welcome to my fucking world cocky suckers so uh 84 was just one of those years that the five years of me partying with my buddies sweeping the pain of my mother's death under the carpet catches up with you that's why I tell people to journal and that's why I tell some people if you go through something traumatic especially next week like once I get the surgery done uh we'll write about it because I know that those fucking bikinins those fucking whatever they give me are gonna fuck up my head so I have to stay grounded the only way to stay grounded is by writing

your situation and explaining to yourself what is going on in your fucking head I watch what's going on in my head constantly I keep an eye on it constantly because I saw I ended up homeless in 84 from it so ever since that time I fucking journal and I keep ground like this time here I have kept pretty much grounded look at my face look at my eyes look at my eyeballs I'm grounded I am fine if I wouldn't have done the work I did to stay grounded I would have been fucked up there wouldn't have been no podcast half the time this is like a fucking humpfest anyway but sometimes I come up and I deliver so the more I keep doing this by law I shouldn't even be allowed to do a podcast right now because I'm mourning a fucking life I'm mourning a life that I

lost you know I'm mourning the loss of Valley Village I'm I'm mourning driving down Kofaks I'm mourning seeing Lee I'm mourning you know seeing my friends seeing Rogan I'm mourning going to my church which was the comedy store I'm mourning all that and the back of my mind I'm not supposed to know that but I know it because I already went through this 30 fucking years ago do you understand me so if you feel you're going through something and you don't know what it is you're mourning your old life maybe you were a fucking I don't know maybe you were a fuck I don't know maybe you were yeah maybe you were a singer in a band and you were just about to take off and this fucking thing happened you know we all have these fucking stories back to Zirida anyway uh you know I got

high on the drugs and shit and what really happened with Zirida was this Zirida was taking care of me okay not she wasn't giving me kilos or ounces of coke I would go to her house and get like a gram from her two grams three grams no big fucking deal I started trying to be a fucking dealer you know here she is telling me listen man don't fuck with that stuff you know if I'm giving you this and you're selling it to one of your friends that's one thing but if you're out there selling it on the street you're gonna end up fucking in jail and then I can't help you and I'm like no I'm just selling it to my friends and that was the truth I was just giving it to like a friend of mine it wasn't the coke that I would usually that I like my friends didn't want it that strong so this is

what I gave to them I uh she didn't want me to sell coke but you know I'm watching you know I'm watching all my friends being big shots and I'm fucking poor and I'm fucking broke and I'm fucking making a fucking shitty wage like everybody else I mean what would you have done so I started trying to sell coke I couldn't I was a horrible coke salesman I would do good for a week and then I would snort everything and then people be looking for me for two weeks and I have to disappear for two weeks and then I come back it was fucking hell so I went to Miami and I fucking a friend of my mother's thought that I was top notch friends would like the mafia they they had come on Balzano confused so this guy kept fucking calling looking for me people kept telling me on the streets

Muneco's looking for you this guy in Miami not they hurt me but he wanted to talk to me because some chick had given his son a hot shot up an angle eclipse or something and he wanted the people that gave his son the hot shot he wanted them killed and he was looking for somebody to kill him so he wanted to talk to me about talking to one of my mafia buddies about killing these people this was my life at 1984 when I was 21 so if you think you got problems listen to that fucking story so here I am talking to this guy and I'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah I'll get the mafia to fucking kill the fucking people but you gotta give me a good price on the fucking kilo he's like no worries I'll give you a fucking wholesale prices so I was working with him and I was doing okay but

you know how the fucking story goes if you throw enough spaghetti against the wall it's gonna fucking stick I went up to North Bergen and one weekend I ended up doing all the fucking coke and ended up spending the fucking money and I didn't have the fucking 20,000 so I never called them back so I thought that he was gonna call Zorida and complain to Zorida because they were tight they all knew each other so I was scared if I called Zorida she was gonna give me a fucking tremendous ear beating make me go down there and pay him and sell this shit so what did I do I took the easy road because I was a fucking loser I just stopped calling Zorida like on September of 1984 right after I burned Muneco I waited about a week and I was like I can't call Zorida

and then I was going to places and people were telling me some lady Z called here like she knew my friend's numbers and she started calling their houses looking for me and I was like she definitely fucking knows now I'm fucking dead and then I ended up going to California I ended up going here I was ducking people I ended up going back to North Bergen I ended up homeless and then in fact I spoke to Mr. T this morning happy new year Mr. T Mr. T was my high school teacher in January 1st 1985 Mr. T took me in with the plan of taking me to a detox and then for me to rehab that's a complete different story but after T picked me up and I got to sleep for two weeks and relax and get my head together and get the cocaine out of my system

I was like fuck Zorida what have I fucking done you know I picked up the phone I remember I was I was out in the street somewhere and it was like a fucking pay phone you know I picked up the pay phone I called her she's like where the fuck have you been do you know what happened to me she goes I've been calling for months looking for you where have you been like and I go you know what happened and she goes I don't know what happened she goes you know you know what happened the cops raided me and and during the raid one of the cops fucking fell on me and he broke my fucking leg in two places and they took everything I had and they fucking seized my bank accounts and she goes I'm they put a lien on my fucking house and all

this and and where the fuck were you when all this happened you didn't call one fucking time to check up on me and guys I gotta tell you something it broke my heart because she was absolutely right she had been there for me for everything and what because the cocaine I didn't call it back and she didn't even know the guy Muñeco never even fucking called her she didn't mention it at all in the conversation because I said to her I thought Muñeco called you she goes I haven't heard from Muñeco since fucking August to July what the fuck are you talking about so I was like I didn't talk to you because I didn't tell her that because I thought Muñeco and she's like you know this is not good I was there for you when your mother died and she was right

I just started bawling and I remember just letting the phone drop out of my fucking hand and I walked away from the fucking payphone because she was right she had every fucking right and let me tell you something guys it took me a year to fucking forgive myself it took me a year I felt like shit for a fucking year but I made the decision that if I ever had a friend again that changed everything for me that changed everything for me that's the right of phone is the reason that I still talk to Danny B Jimmy Labrano you know Timmy Holloway Georgie K you know Jimmy V my man Anthony Venere the reason why I talked to all those guys after 45 fucking years because we're talking I know these guys are 75 73 the reason why I talked

to these guys and all the people who covered my ass when my mom died was because I didn't want them to feel like it's a right I did on that day you know I could be the biggest fucking scumbag in the world but I could also be your your best fucking friend when I'm your fucking friend man I'm your friend to the fucking end I will fucking drive there with you I don't care about the felony I don't care about the gun I'm not a Hollywood guy somebody fucks with you I'm your friend it's lights out dog I I remember when fucking those people going after me on twitter for making rogan laugh about the fucking chick who fucking blew me uh there's a comic that he fucking raised his hand a couple male comics raised their hands huh did you see about the one of them

well one of them raised their hand he's like he's not all he not only got his dick sucked he threw a bottle at me one night at the comedy store I didn't see that oh yeah I drew a bottle at this motherfucker him in another comic thought they were being cute with me they would say to me that I was only funny because I did cocaine before I went on stage I swear to god I never did cocaine before I went on stage so I whipped the fucking bottle at that motherfucker one that him and another comic they ran away one night I fucking then another guy that hit me up last week I drew a fucking I told him not to touch the microphone so he's fucking because the thing was off and he touched the mic and the wire broke and we ended up going to war and I had to throw a bunch

of fucking pool pool ball pool balls out of his shit then there was another comic oh another comic said that one night no he didn't get his dick sucked he also tried to run me over with his car one night holy shit which I did I told him to get out of the way didn't want to get out of the way so I fucking hit him with the fucking car he didn't sue fuck him you know anyway it happened but because of Zariada's because of what happened with Zariada when I was 20 I never wanted that to happen again with me and anybody else listen you try I was thinking about I went to the gym today okay I loved it I loved my gym I loved the gym I go to I pay them they trained me I love it but I realized something today on the walkout

that after we train and after I go to the locker and get my water and my car keys on the walkout when I say see you later take just my acquaintances they're nice guys they're nice kids I love them to death I pay them you know I love them to death but then my acquaintances and then we move up a ring and we have I have my friends you know and Mike is becoming a great friend I mean I've been friends with Mike for a while now I'm starting to care about Mike now if you fuck with Mike I gotta stab you in the fucking neck you know we were acquaintances but now he's my brother and now I gotta stab you in the neck anybody who's my fucking friend anybody like Rogan Ari you know they all know that things go down with them I'm there I'm the first one there I don't care about you know

but now I have to care because of my daughter I can't go to jail because of somebody else because of my daughter I can't stab my daughter see me in a prison fucking uniform but if you fuck with one of my friends enough you know what happens what happened I mean what you know I'd have to tell my daughter this is what being a friend is somebody fucked up one of my friends and how to go but I hit them and they had with a pipe you know they decided to wrap me out because they're fucking faggots instead of fucking being a man and hit me back with the fucking pipe whatever I'm just saying that you know this is the year right now 19 19 2021 you know this is your year you I love this time of the year and I love Mondays you know why I love Mondays

because we're all equal this today January 6th makes us all equal think about that we just paid rent we're all equal I haven't made any money you make any money I haven't made any money I haven't been on the road I haven't done anything you do it it makes us all equal that's what I love about the beginning of the year that whatever happened a year before you could fucking erase it it's done that's why I don't understand how you're gonna come back at that supreme court justice and say he covered your mouth at a party and let go fuck yourself you dumb bitch next time don't fall asleep at the party he's lucky he covered your mouth if that was my party and one of my parties in jersey those guys would have fucked in the ass and left you there and put your pants back on

you wouldn't know nothing that you're taking this shit and a little blood come out of your ass you're lucky he covered your mouth that's why I don't like no that shit something that happened 20 years ago that was a different person you know what the other day my wife made something for me to eat and I was like you know what give this a break and I go not because it's bad but because I don't like it anymore my tastes have changed it's like I've said a thousand times people fucking change people fucking change so you know you can't judge them on what they did 23 fucking years ago 23 years ago yeah I got a blowjob from a chick that would come there once a week can I get on stage yeah whatever you know you got to do whatever the fuck you got to do you know what you think

she was the first one what do you think this I knew her we were friends it was like a fucking joke no big deal you're the motherfuckers that you know Gentile Central oh my god but the guys that went off you know they went off my point is that it's a new year you got a new start and if you want to work on something this year because I see a lot of distant emails from younger guys it's that they're lonely they don't know how to make friends with this fucking pandemic a lot of people in bad positions listen it all starts with one friend and all you need is three and you could take over the fucking world how do I know because I've done it have I taken over the world no I'm not fucking Genghis Khan what I mean taken over my world is I've taken over my world

what I do for a living I've excelled at because of those three friends if you don't have one or two friends that lift you you need to work on that nobody's gonna come and lift you you have to try to lift them I Mike has been lifting me for years that's why now we lift each other and our relationship has grown so if you're lonely this year learn how to work on your friendships you don't need 10 people everybody always wants to have a party with 12 people oh my god I'm I'm so loved and I'm wait till the belt wait till the tab comes let's see how much they love you're these looking around scratching who's gonna pick up the fucking pad don't fuck yourself three people is all I need three people we could take over the fucking world not the world it's like I'm gonna go to

China oh this is my fucking world no what I can control my world three people today's the writer's birthday I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and do this podcast and her name to her and for her to find a way in her heart to forgive me for what I did after I did that I swore that I would be a better friend to my friends and I am you know when I'm your friend now I'm your friend learn to be a friend don't worry about being popular don't worry about having eight people or a crew you're never gonna have a crew because one of the eights gonna flip on you you dumb motherfucker the more people you add to your crew the more chances you got of people flipping on you all you need is one or two you don't want to do a

crime with three because then two can flip on one that's a complete different thing I'm talking about friendship here okay as far as friendship is concerned that's what this podcast is about today you know she showed me the gift of friendship and I want to share it with you you want good friends you're not just gonna get them because you know you have those friends and try to buy you know look go to France I'll pay no no no it's not about that it's about having each other's back having each other's balance of friendship is a balance you know while I've been here in Jersey I've learned one thing that I have a great wife we work well together I don't like breaking leaves she likes breaking leaves you know what I'm saying she don't like taking out the garbage I like

taking out the garbage me and my wife are a team together that just didn't happen that just doesn't happen you have to work on it you have to eat some shit from time to time you have to eat some shit and say you're sorry or say I feel this way you know I've never lasted with a woman like this but when I hooked up with my wife before that's why it took me nine years to marry her I said if she's gonna be my wife I'm gonna be a husband I don't want to do what I did last time and fail I don't like failing at things two times guys I don't like it I don't mind failing at something one time a particular thing I failed at a lot of things I failed with everything if you fucking really look at it but I don't like failing doing one thing twice there's no call for that first

time shame on me second time show first time shame on you second time shame on me I don't like failing at something like that so that's the episode for today I'm dedicating this is a writer it's a birthday today up in heaven I wish I had a picture of her I lied a candle for her but I don't she was beautiful she was she was Cuban black black African Cuban and she had blonde hair way before Little King this is 79 this bitch already had a tight little blonde hairdo she looked like Dennis Robin before the operation but she was good looking as a writer and you know what man 40 fucking years later I still really miss her I miss her conversations and I miss what she did for me if you take anything from this podcast so you remember friends just don't fucking pop up

out of the fucking ground you got to cultivate them you got to work on it you got to let them know you're in and they need to know that you'll fucking die for them you know like I said to you those names I mentioned earlier Timmy George Jimmy Loobs these guys I mean this is what that's who got me to the place my friends are who got me to this place your friends should be lifting you up not tearing you down that's what friends do I hope you enjoyed this podcast today thank you for the patreon thank you for always giving me love on twitter and and facebook I guess periscope ain't out of business yet right another business yet let me check and see you they were supposed to be out of business but then the other day so let me do a fucking periscope

oh shit periscope is not out of business they changed their mind they said fuck it we're gonna keep doing what we're doing anyway that's what I want to talk to you about uh friendship today it's 2020-21 it's a new year and you have a new start um you know I talk to Rogan every week I talk to Timmy every week I talk to Dean Delray every week I talk to Lee every fucking day I talk to Eddie Bravo I talk to Sam Tripoli I talk to Jimmy Florentine Mike and I talk he you know we fucking talk at night you know I call him he's putting a baby to sleep you gotta the friends just don't you know I even checked him for you people if you want to hate me I even checked him with Delia and I

yelled at Delia yesterday I wished him a happy fucking new year or two days ago I wished him a happy new year and I said what are you fucking waiting for what are you waiting for that's it nobody else came out nobody said that you had sex with them and there was 17 nobody else said nothing you text somebody they were under age it was a fucking mistake that's it what you you're done forever I said when is the podcast gonna start and when are you gonna put yourself back out there again you know people are not people just don't forgive you you have to ask for forgiveness so I gave him advice I hope he takes it and uh that's it man if you're in a bind ask for forgiveness if they're your friends they'll see it if they're not your friends

fuck them who the fuck are they to judge you right or wrong it's like lying like will he else and never lie to your friends if you lie to them you're gonna fucking if they're your friends you're gonna ruin it with a lie and if they're not your friends who the fuck are they that you gotta lie to them fuck them I love you guys thank you very much for watching the joint I hope to be back on Monday with everything I got I hope to be back uh if you know anything about me I will be here Monday have fucking bike it in doubt with my leg out we'll figure it out but thank you for all the support thank you for all the well wishes and thank you for just listening to the podcast and the patreon everything else we have to offer stay black and now for a word from us sponsors

all right cock suckers thank you for this little take tatay thank you for all the well wishes on the surgery on Friday hopefully we'll be able to do a podcast next Monday let's see how I feel I don't know if my legs gonna be sticking right up I don't know if I'm gonna be too fucked up on the fucking pills they give you I don't fucking know what's gonna happen all I know is I'm here today I'm having the surgery Friday I appreciate you motherfuckers with everything like that for always having my back all right but before I go from the heart of jersey the joint is brought to you by draft motherfucking kings you understand me listen if you haven't signed up yet now is the time download the draft king sportsbook app today you're like joey why because it's safe secure

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no fucking problems let's go download this fucking app and let's make some money use code Joey and cashing on this motherfucking deal today Saturday bitches let's make some cash the joint is also brought to you by on it listen you know how I feel about nine nine ten years I've been working with them I've been taking this product for maybe 12 years Joe Rogan used to turn me on to alpha brain I'll tell you what man I don't do them every day I go on six week cycles but alpha brain is the fucking shit especially now when people are going through what they're going through you know I'm not saying it's a fucking cure all I'm saying it includes it improves your memory and it helps you with your focus like it did for me they got an instant they got a pill form

we got shroom tech sports shroom tech immune I mean listen it doesn't end I could sit here for two hours and talk to you about the benefits on it look for yourself go to honor dot com right now look at the supplements look at the protein bites look at the equipment they have I can't do nothing for you on equipment but on the supplements and the protein bites I get your 10% off delivered right to your house press church on the way out and get 10% delivered right to your motherfucking that's it and that's that I want to thank honor and I want to thank draftings for having my back and I want to thank you guys and thank you for all the well wishes we'll see what happens Friday but I'll keep you posted via patreon and via twitter and all that shit I love you motherfuckers

candles always lit here I have a great fucking weekend stay black you