Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 03/18/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #63

Episode Date: March 19, 2013

Comedian and Joey's friend Josh Wolf calls back into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 03/18/2013.

oh shit Monday March 18th it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive it's a beautiful world you just happen to be in it you bad motherfuckers get up salute the flag wash your balls wash your pussy you don't want to walk there with fucking mildew in your ass oh it's the day after St. Paddy's motherfuckers little almond brothers for you guys here Lisa yeah now kick that shit Lee oh shit just all my money are you fucking kidding me we're opening up with the almonds today that means you got to get up wash your ass and fucking walk and

polish the fucking gun because it's going down today when you open up with the almond brothers is that type of fucking day somebody's getting fucking listen to these motherfuckers 1970 are you kidding me or what six white guys in a black fucking drama black people weren't even drinking a fucking water forces and they're over there banging out with the almond brother check yourself hit that shit Lee oh shit what's happening baby what's going on you beautiful motherfucker now much better haven't heard you this into a band for a while it came over and you

were like dancing almost what happened to me yesterday yesterday before Saturday I got this on the iPod in the living room okay the whole fashion iPod but I don't take it out of the house unless I go to the gym or fly with it so if I lose I don't give a fuck I got some brilliant songs on that I had a buddy might put a bunch of fucking heavy heavy-duty music one of the songs is whipping post I'm sitting there with my fucking daughter and it blasting I had the remote and I couldn't find it and I'll tell you what my daughter was passing out by the minute I'm listening to this singing this to her

a whipping post I'm like this is off this bitch is bad to the bone how lullabies it'll be fucking whipping post but I'm sitting there and I got overwhelmed I'm like I can't believe I'm older my daughter to whipping post and he's just dropping it but put put that back where we left it off listen to fucking great do Greg Dwayne I mean these guys this is real fucking white fucking pride listen to this fucking guitar god damn it these motherfucking kids forgot about this shit this is white fucking pride before you shave your head and put a squat stick on your fucking head like a fucking Momo listen to this shit and

this will make you fucking realize what the fuck is really crack-a-lack in this country motherfuckers put that guitar little dicky bats in fucking six in a month listen to this guy's fucking soul are you kidding me you'll leave me here with an orphan's welcome this fucking bazooka of debt here there's a second wasn't this guy's fucking passion are you kidding me you want to go listen to Chris Brown and his fucking stupidity listen to this motherfucker you can feel this fucking soul fucking we're gonna try to say to you that these people ain't got soul like this don't

hang with them why are you wasting your time with these fucking Momo soulless with a pair of glasses on trying to be intellectual you think Dwayne fucking almond had fucking glasses on or Greg Orman to the whipping puff tied to I'm gonna have to go shoot some heroin come back to that I'm fucking feeling you know I'm saying this what happens you get seven and a half hours of sleep oh Jesus Christ I haven't coughed like that for a while this shit is so fucking good I've had this drawing since I left the fucking New Orleans I came back and still stick that can't roll a fucking number oh my

god this was grown by these fucking Hawaiians that have like blue eyes look like apocalypto's and killed the grandmother and she's buried the backyard this is some fucking tremendous weed I wish I could share it with you motherfuckers but I can't it's a beautiful day to be alive the day after St. Patty's all you fucking momos I got dressed in green got got got get the fuck out of here you don't think you're doing those people selling blows so they fucking can make their final frontier that's what I would get excited about St. Patty's why does that be selling fucking 40s for 50

wait beer or you blow okay I think we think makes them drink that fucking beer but why isn't me I show up with a fucking package of salt and they do two lines that shit it's over over they'll be drinking till fucking six no more let me say I went out to one St. Patty's I knew it wasn't for me why not listen I'm never like fucking drunk people all right no yeah it was just my mother had the fucking bar I don't need people breathing on my back the breath with poop off on that breath my fucking eyebrows are burning on fire I don't eat that shit and they hug you and they tell you the same shit I don't want to

hear that shit when I get like that it's time to fucking go home so I never liked that whole thing I don't like that whole booze thing if you drink that you're about to give a fuck I smoke dope I do her you know me gorilla biscuits I bitches drop more fuck the 170 yeah it was a like like I've told you like sometimes I feel like I'm missing out yesterday wasn't one of it like I drove by Irish pub yesterday that is normally dead like there's like cobwebs in the in the windows but yesterday there was a line and that's I'd much rather drink at home with friends and go to a bar one year I got talked into taking a bus

and going to the city and there were a bunch of people and stopping at every bar you know what man it ain't for me I like my reefer and I like being peaceful and they're really like going out there's a bunch of a fucking pack like 12 fucking animals listen to more guys less pussy the more fucking idiots you do you go solo and you're depressed like James Dean what do you think James Dean got so much pussy you go by himself depressed always with his head down thinking like he was gonna kill himself chicks love that shit anyway it's Monday it's a beautiful day to be alive I hope you get your fucking day started tremendous

weekend it was great to be home I didn't do dick I went to the lab factory watch the fights the fights what do you think of the fights I I loved the car the Condit Hendrix who was always a great fight Carlos Condit always yeah that was great I liked him more than I did the last two fights cuz just be he didn't do that great and Diaz I didn't like it versus Diaz like I've already said but I said I I wish data white and the UFC would do something I was talking to my my friends and if they would let like the last three fights of the pay-per-view for like 20 bucks I would do that every time I'm never gonna

pay 60 bucks for the whole thing cuz the rest of it was kind of crappy well there was three great fights on the on the main card there was like two in the preliminary card there was one on the other card you know listen when GSP's on the card they focus on GSP yeah they know the strength of GSP they could put two fluff and then they could ring fight was good the other one was good but it's funny I was telling Eddie those guys and you've seen it we discussed you came to see me and Bray a couple weeks ago yeah in the Saturday night late show I wasn't happy with my second people laugh and they probably had a good time but

you and I have seen me do better yeah okay I left there and I was like I could have done better and I went on my notes there was my energy whatever it's funny you could see it in GSP's face he had the same thing he knew he knew let me tell you something if Diaz had one more minute in that third round when he opened them up yeah he would have knocked them down he knew and he knew it he knew it and he knows he's got to do something about that he know though it seems to be one thing in when Diaz fights the last few fights that have seen him that he everyone's like oh if he'd only done that like why does it seem like

he's never really fully prepared who's that Diaz yeah he it's not it's not the same guy that comes out into those punches I mean the last time he fought that really looked really really effective was against BJ Patton in my in my you know Carlos out you know out maneuvering out smart listen man a lot of people don't like that style of fighting I like Anderson Silva he says I like to come home and the way I left I want my face I don't want my kids to see me cut up yeah so a looseness it's not about getting the ring and bang it up it's about smart and the fucking other guy at the end of the day it's about who's

gonna go home with the less fucking scratches and punches and win this fucking thing yeah sometimes and Carlos gives you exciting fights but he fights very smart Carlos yeah if I he's a great fight I've been a fan of his since the fucking WEC I love Carlos Condor no two ways about always have always will big fan of Greg Jackson's camp and it's basically because of him and Winkle John love him nothing about him do I not love no I asked this with the question of the night and I know the answers no but just the first thing that I thought of when I saw him lose was are they gonna cut him because they cuddle no they

don't know no no no no no so what what two world-class fighters and he's lost by fucking pussy is okay he has not lost by you know gone in there and just not improving every time you listen like I told you a thousand times MMA has helped my comedy because I broke my county down to sections now like MMA and I have to work on each of them individually okay that's what MMM when you you know it's like when you watch a fighter and you haven't seen him in six months he's like man my punch I've gotten better and you watching this and he's running out of cardio in the second fucking round you get disgusted about paying that 44 fucking

dollars yeah you really do get fucking disgusted because this guy hasn't improved he hasn't done anything to make his his you know I would just listen to something on the radio my wife has the satellite like you have okay in the new car yeah my fucking Subaru I just have stations and I was listening to the station and the guy was talking about improving himself how Kodak set the bar in photography and they're out of business now yeah because they never improved themselves you know Kmart never improved themselves he named eight companies he said he bought the fucking iPhone and he threw it away because he

went to Verizon he got the Samsung Samsung galaxy probably he says it's fucking amazing it's easier to handle and he goes you'll see in three years if Apple don't get it together because now they're running on fumes now I don't know the technology no it makes sense my my iPhone I've had it for about a year and a half and it's it's starting to shit the bed so it's not that's what everyone says I have guys they make them too fucking fast and we as a society me taste my own iPod on my fucking thing that I'm embarrassed to take out of the house it's the size of this computer one of those iPods that are fucking huge

yeah I can't throw it away I taken care of it it's falling on the floor it lost a hundred pounds with me at the fucking Y it lost and I have friends that said to me throw that away it's gonna fall and music's gonna go bad not today it is it I got a camera Joe Rogan bought me and Philly six years ago mm-hmm a digital camera that I still takes pictures that if I really wanted to use like it use it it's weird that they've outdated the software oh of course yeah and you like why did you update this to make you spend more money we live in a society that they want you to spend more money and they want you to throw away your shit

when it's still fucking perfectly fucking new perfectly fucking new that iPod I have is big but it sounds fucking great and then the fuck to the living room I have one of those things that you put it in it charges it but it's speakers yeah speakers in yeah but it's the speakers are amazing leave the speaker sounding as amazing I got it from that play sharper image okay yeah fucking amazing five years ago three I don't even know what the fuck I got it they probably at the beginning had to make them good so people get hooked because I bet now if I bought an iPod now it would never last as long as the

one that you have has come on I mean I could be wrong but this one's I have my iPad I don't know how to fucking people happy with all this shit when I have some I'm an only child when I was a kid and my parents were raising me who was spoiled so I would leave shit out in the fucking corner I would do this when my mother died I had a fucking work for my shit and when I spent 200 down something it was my fucking thing I take care of that fucking thing yeah I take care of that fucking van and some people laughing me like Joey you're cheap but I'm not cheap this is perfectly fucking good yeah if you buy into this phone

shit every eight months they're gonna fuck you up the ass you know there's sometimes you're like you know what I got what it takes already this is this camera work but if you're telling me they're making a shit cheap from the start that pisses me yeah it's kind of like well the time I grew up in kids would get cars from their parents all the time like they'd be like BMWs like nice cars and I bought my first car it was a shit it was a 97 shitty Chevrolet Cavalier and like the hood was like the paint was coming off and and the fucking door wouldn't open all the time but I never got in one accident and how we're

had one ticket when I was in high school and kids and kids who had parents give them their cars were crashing and appreciate fucking shit it's amazing when I was a kid I was spoiled and appreciate none I used to rip my shirt and shit once I had to start paying for shit when I was 15 and 16 now I shouldn't I make my shit last I got a TV I won't throw away my wife is furious at me because when we met we had a shitty TV yeah and I did this gig one night and it was like the first time I ever got like over like 200 fucking dollars and I go Terry let's stop at Kmart and one of those northern towns and buy a TV okay

and we bought this $200 TV that till this day you gotta see the picture on this fucking thing it's in my closet and she's like Terry you gotta get Joe you gotta get rid of that and fuck you I'm saving this like a man cave or whatever when we move you know it's one of those TVs that you don't give a fuck what happens to it's got another year or two left on it once it blows it blows yeah I'm not just gonna put it out the fucking street just cuz you know society says that every year and a half I can't believe it I really can't believe how people react to the fucking iPhone I finally got it I know I got the the five

from Sprint because they kept sending me fucking emails that they were putting bonuses on my thing I was like a year over on my phone okay every year they give you 75 bucks credit or something towards the phone okay I had like a hundred and ninety dollar credit I've been with Sprint for ten years oh cool 2004 Joe and those people are right I held on to the pager till 2004 when the Spider-Man whenever Spider-Man 2 came out right shot Spider-Man 2 2003 I've been with Sprint since 2000 fucking 3 because I remember I took that check and went and I bought a fucking Sprint I owed money and my credit was bad but they

still gave me a phone but they only gave me a $2 limit every month okay my phone would be two hundred and one dollars they cut it off I'd have to stop what I was doing and go to fucking Sprint and pay the dollar and change for them to turn it back on oh geez you have no fucking idea what's the music today Lee little I want to be around it's Monday get up get out there do your goals it's a whole new fucking week you want to quit smoking cigarettes you want to stop taking in the ass it starts fucking today write your goals go to on it doc Tom see how you can start looking better and feeling better drink

some fucking water look at Lee but what I want to be around Lee it's Monday for the fucking spirits out there for your mother for your father whoever the fuck light a candle and think about him here you go car suckin I can't like this fucking roach it's too sticky this is the worst weed in the morning I want to oh shit like Uncle Joey wants to be around you motherfuckers when somebody breaks your oh shit look at this fucking monster a roach this thing would kill a roach if I put a roach and this roach in a room together we'd wake up they'd be blood everywhere and this roach would wear this shit Lee Syatt

looking good ladies and gentlemen trying to do something yeah Tuesday will be a month on it so I'm excited about that we learn the music okay then trying to spark this fucking roach here you know burn your finger nail again I don't give a fuck you understand me I'm thinking that I got a man like here's a little Korean lady she bumps it out and I'm back in business right you don't fucking lose a rose this thing was so sticky before the roach went on fire and it stuck to my finger I got a blister I can't type for a week but who gives a fuck I held on to it like a soldier you know I'm saying if there would have been a fucking storm

yeah like I'm out in the boat like when I came from Cuba on the rash it's all to fall off and shit I would have been smoking this I would just pop my hand up I was stuck to my fucking hand look at that no Jesus Christ we don't fuck around here the church of what's happening I hope you're having a good day hope you had some coffee and some oatmeal and you washed your fucking muffling you're thinking about your day and how you're gonna go out there and make a little fucking better for yourself and for everybody else I gotta go to the eye doctor today for what I don't know check my eyes I haven't got new glasses

in two fucking years they keep sending me emails from insurance it's time to go down there and check your eyesight it's time to go down there but what do you do if they said you had to wear glasses all the time no they say I gotta wear glasses when I read when I eat pussy I don't know what the fuck well you gotta wear glasses you gotta wear fucking glasses okay no no you always hate wearing no I hate wearing them I can't wear them because of what people are doing now they wear glasses to look exotic and to look smarter like somebody gives a fucking new people buy into it no no no I wear glasses to read I'm

embarrassed to put them on here because I don't want you people think I'm trying to be fucking you know Steve Martin or some fucking swarmy fucking cocksucker I hate that shit you strongly a little bit yeah we got a reroll I got a you know I'm gonna do I got like 19 roaches over here I'm gonna put together like a Puerto Rican blend first when was the last time Uncle Joey did that about every day no I don't yes you do no I don't not when I mix a couple different fucking blends this is old school shit this is what Puerto Ricans do they take a see the problem I'm having is I can't find the fucking glue no more that's how bad

even with the glasses I got what the fuck my computer Lee you're fucking up here keyboard keyboard sure cuts here Lee what's happening what are you doing on computer I didn't do nothing I didn't do nothing nothing nothing nothing Lee so Lee what else did you think about the fights hmm I got I got I'm just teasing you I enjoyed the fight it's a lot more fun when you watch with friends and I saw it with a buddy and who usually watch fights with your enemies no but sometimes you just it's a weekend and you just want to be home and you just watch it by yourself but I don't know you talk about watching fights with your

friend I thought you went down and watch fights with Germans and shit like that me and Lee went and got coffee yesterday and our usual place you know we go to the same place we don't make believe we're fucking special and go to fucking Starbucks and we go there's a little dump by the house over here I've been going to what for at least for years we've been going there and I'll tell you what nothing bothers me and your motherfuckers that drink coffee don't want to take a shit in the coffee shop bathroom two people took shit back to back and here's a piss me off that if I go into a bathroom somebody takes a shit

like I go in there prepared like if I know somebody took a shit and I definitely cuz me other type listen dog I don't give a fuck I will pee on the street you know that Lee I'll take my dick out anywhere cemeteries you saw me and my mother cemetery I'll take my dick out make believe on birdwatch that's how you do it you don't grab your dick and piss you take your dick out and you make believe your bird watching you're talking to somebody on the cell phone they look at this don't look at your fucking helmet and you twist it from the side it's like a Hollywood punch you know I'm saying

when you see a Hollywood punch they shoot it from the side so it looks like you really hit them but it didn't it's not an anger you dumb fucking malooks meanwhile you go home and tell people how tough fucking the Randy Couture is some shit yeah it took you about an hour and a half to pee cuz he would go and come back but someone's this guy was in there for a fucking hour shit and at a public bathroom which really fucking burns me up listen you want to pee or something at a public bathroom that's okay you want to shit cuz you have bad fucking Hindu food or something like that because that's what makes you shit

that quick it's like bad curry or bad fucking juju food or whatever the fuck they eat oh it's so cool eat this shit next you know they're shit and fucking blood but how many times I got to go to the bathroom at least three or four this mother of nasty mother pissing shit and I can't go in there pisses me off with that specific place I love the place yeah but there's somebody who keeps going to take a fucking shit and it pisses me to fuck off Lee told me something when we were sitting there yesterday that was very interesting to me you know Lee is new to all this you know Lee's an editor by trade he's a comedy fan he's a fan of

baseball and football but Lisa a sweetheart of a kid and we've had conversations about these things he's missing part of his life that's amazingly you weren't cut out to be at the standard jumping up and down on the Friday and a lot of people ain't cut out to do you do to hang out with me and smoke dope and eat edibles and a lot of people you know a lot of people ain't cut out for whatever and that's what that's what makes life special that we're all fucking different that we're not all you know we all don't like the same shit you know I think the same thing I'm not part of a comedy

circle you don't see me hanging out with a lot of these white dudes and whatever giggling and hugging like George Clooney and whatever you know and sometimes I think maybe there's something wrong with me you know what maybe there's something fucking wrong with them yeah and I leave it at that you know I'm with you you're with me and that would fucking us that's the way I've been thinking since I was fucking 13 you know and it's probably don't like to go fuck yourself that's old-school fucking thinking and Lee you said something to me that you've never been to a strip club no it the the the joke I say is

because I don't want to pay a comfort charge which is partly true but the real reason is and I asked you about it because you've been a little bit new you dated a stripper but I just I can't you know I don't like the feeling when someone doesn't like you like I don't always have to be like I don't care if I piss someone off or something but if someone's judging you like I feel like a stripper would just like just look at the guys coming in just hate it just feels like if I like with especially with porn on in the internet nowadays why don't want to go in and feel like shit to do it and in front of people like and

she won't even be that she won't even be fully naked or if she is she's not doing anything with it it's just I don't know it never made sense to me only time for us to get a little honesty you couldn't fucking catch me the strip if you fucking paid me I was in the strip club when I was 15 at the mental ends and I saw a woman sitting a banana and put fake teeth in the pussy and take him out and give him to guys and it was cute when I was 15 then as I got older I went to a couple strip clubs you know what you go your buddies you're out in 60 years in the car they same way ended up at the gay bar that night to get

blow the same way when I was 18 I didn't have a fucking car so I was at guerrillas wherever they went I went yeah an 87 when I got pinched the guy that ratted on me was a big time strip club guy big time he walked in and all the girls came running to him he sold them weed he gave half of them blow you know he spent money on him he was cool you know he had the tattoos the bike the pit bull he had the whole fucking set that I like that lifestyle I think it's fucking disgusting you know for you people don't know that the guy I got caught with in the kidnapping the reason why he wanted to kidnap this poor fella this fucking

moron was because he had this stripper a nude stripper that was fucking a 12th this bitch was banging Spanish chick that was amazing he had a living on his couch she was divorcing her husband but she wouldn't sleep with Steve until she got a divorce because she was Catholic did a stripper wouldn't do it Jesus so she wouldn't sleep with this guy and I don't want to call him stripper when they were the exotic dancers whatever the fuck they are and I have a few friends that are on it my ex podcast with Felicia she used to be an extra but I have nothing against strippers Carol the girl that calls I dated for four

years she was a stripper when I when I when I dated her I never went to pick her up one time I went to pick her up and she told me to come in that was a time I seen fucko throwing dollar bills or fucked up Farley at the girl he died two weeks later she's a star strip on my San Diego between Beverly and whatever yeah right there the scenic a star strip but I think that the that's what I never went to see her I've never been one of those guys I never you know works with some people and don't work for other people I don't like people touching me like that yeah only women touching me like that unless I really fucking know

you or whatever and it's just disgusting that a guy would go in there thinking that he'd have a shot with this chick and I can't tell you listen man I'm right here to tell you when I first got divorced this is what happened I first got separated in 91 our relationship fucking fine separated you know I was doing my thing she was doing the hurting there was a strip club in Boulder called the bus stop it was it was the guy who owned it died he left it to the church Jesus so the church had a run it now and they were running it they were running oh my god it's not like the past was in there it was the you know

like they hired a manager to run the club but then they paid him a salary so one night I was heartbroken after my divorce I wasn't a strip club club guy then I was heartbroken and some guys after a comedy club so let's go to the bus stop when I went to the bus I'm gonna leech down to some fucking girl and again she was gonna meet me at Denny's later cuz she liked me like a lot of guys do when I met her she showed up and then when she got there she told me she wanted 200 bucks and I'm like you I said I'd rather fucking choke myself and give you 200 bucks I'll take you to dinner though that week this fucking dirty

fucking animal went and sat in my ex-wife's chair at a barbecue my ex-wife cut hair oh my wife's chair so I'm going out with a comedian Joey Diaz on Friday night I wouldn't pay the 200 the fuck a hot little girl but it wasn't for me I went to one hooker house that time the 1040 Club and after that I can't pay that it makes me feel weird I don't even like the strangeness of it yeah you know when I go to Vegas now they're all over the fucking place in Vegas yeah and I don't like the strangeness of it I don't even like a woman in my fucking room you know I'm on the road I don't like a woman in my whole term on the

road no you know I don't like I don't I don't like going in let's just gonna happen you never went to who does either I wouldn't go to fucking who did what you get from who does his blood coming out of your ass they're gonna pop your also and a chick with stockings on these are strippers that don't want to make the fucking commitment fuck you you little dirty whore you want me to come in here and tease me like I'm in the fucking sixth grade go fuck yourself I've never been one of those guys I could sing around with a bunch of chicks and look at them and giggle and break I've never been into that shit at all either you're on

the boat or you're not the fucking boat that's yeah but that's it that's a strange thing you're talking about the guy who goes in and like just throws money wrong so they're like they the girls will really love them but they don't they don't like that's the entire like that's what I'm scared of like you hate the fakeness yeah it freaks me out it's awesome and listen you gotta put it's Hollywood and they're acting it's Hollywood and it's nothing against the strippers I don't have a problem with what they're doing but like that's the thing like I don't want them to like to hate like I feel like they'd hate hate

you as going in so it's not like the strippers are bad like they're doing I mean if I looked like that I'd be a mill stripper fuck it you know let me be in the kid and people going you know you need a car you need a bunch of money to pick up the chicks you just need your heart and your fucking dick and balls you go up to any fucking woman you tell them what you're feeling and they get on the boat or not there's women like fake fucking guys there's women that love that shit you know they love the fucking Chris Brown looking motherfuckers that'll go up there and giggle and your girls fall for that shame on you you

dumb fucks shame on you falling for that dumb shit that shit you fall for when you're fucking 13 you know I don't like that shit you know and that's those girls they come running with the heels and it's okay when you're fucking 10 guy and then once you see a bad boy you see the other side that I love Carol I really do love Carol I hated that she did that they destroyed me as a man I couldn't move fucking forward yeah here I'm dating a woman that's looking guys lapsed on them guys touching the tits and shit I couldn't do it I couldn't do it people that show up with their wives and somebody fucks your wife you're a filthy

fucking animal a filthy fucking animal I remember that you hear that tape we did me T-boe Tripoli remember we were talking I heard you talk about it in 750 and we all had to do comedy at a disgusting house up in Belly Hills with people fucking wives and and this idiot showed up with tattoos here's my wife and the girl is five feet away from they have kids together and some fucking guerrillas fucking your wife on tape that you just met at a party and you're giggling about it that's disgusting that's fucking disgusting yeah that's another level of fucking disgust you should be shot and fucking hung you know yeah I just

thought about are you a jealous person when it comes to because I yeah I'm fucking jealous it's not that you're jealous it's that this is you there's a certain way how to act around fucking your wife and my wife and there's certain fucking ways there's certain ways she has to fucking act yeah because like the jealousy is made out to be a bad thing and you don't want to like I'm not saying if you if you if your girlfriend or wife has a friend who's a guy like you throw it like throw it fit or whatever but at some point like I could never like it's like it's like how I imagine wives or moms have kids or

cops feel like if a girl I was dating was going out to a thing I wouldn't be able I'd probably go insane what about this joint you're gonna smoke this fucking number with me gonna make me smoke it by myself put some music on what do you got fun with Joe I know you got some fucking groove in the fuck it's Monday cocksuckers get up put some salt in your asshole you got to get out there get on the train it's snowing it's fucking cold I know young over same baddies I don't give a fuck you should have thought about that you're an adult fucking drinking like a fucking momo but at least you're on the Lord's

Day doing blow it even pussy I commend you for that you're a fucking savage hit it Lee and you know where you go funk with Joey today you know we go to a week and shit I would go every day what are you down how many pounds today was 56 50 fucking 60s losing looking at me's handsome is back into his fucking yarmulke for years he can put that fucking yarmulke on look at the size of that melon now the yarmulke fits what we let's do this motherfucker Monday March fucking 18th get it hit it what oh shit Lee oh shit Lee oh shit Lee this is it right here motherfuckers it's a beautiful day

to be alive get out there tackle motherfucking yeah hit it baby Lee got his reefer with me got me over here fucking soloing this is like nine different mixtures of weed here this is what Michael Jackson smoke before they get the anesthesia oh shit you could take cut the shit before I fucking like your little elbow is a fuck what I like that I like your fucking forearm has on spy you little Jew fuck I love you fucking at least I had bad motherfucking very proud of the church should be very proud of Lee 56 fucking pounds some shout outs dead squad Connecticut dead squad motherfucking Holly bang that

motherfucker nobody said to low we're just giving shoutouts here what well thank you the thing I'm more proud of is how much I made you laugh yesterday that that killed me yesterday is a fucking knucklehead those shoutouts for the Americans here for the Irish and for everybody out there little Dan Nagel I love you Ralph Santa Maria down there Miami Carly Holmes Andrew Andrew whatever Denny van Haber your back Joe the old nerdy user Joe mr. Jay Rivera and Jay Palmaville I see you over there on Facebook making a fucking happen some shout out to my main people on it fucking calm go on it calm get

your life just cuz it's March 18 don't mean that you can't start now a lot of people said well I'm gonna get started January 1st Joey then January 1st they ate a fucking donut and they said let me push it back now it's March 18 you still sit on the couch confused get the fuck up get the fuck up even if you don't fucking go to on and buy some go to fucking GH we go to fucking and get this thing for strong bone like Joe says and get the recipe and go to fucking whatever make it yourself I don't give a fuck put Chloe and I not so tall together on your own part time but get up do something make me fucking happy make

yourself happy you know my wife always says to me Joey Joey what the fuck I don't want to go to yoga on Wednesday I say you don't understand that's why all these women have that post-partum fucking depression because they sit there with this ugly kid and stare at it all get out of the fucking house go do yoga she's gonna go to 11 o'clock yoga today well I'm at the fucking eyeglass too but what we store on ground the weed store in Grand Rapids what are you bothering me for it's a fucking holiday Death Squad Michigan get your shit together I don't know what the schedule is in Michigan it's 635 that means to

take 35 in Michigan and you're ready looking for weed in other words you got fucking emotional I'm over here smoking dope yesterday we're at the coffee shop we're waiting for this guy to shit and me and Leah talking as usual about stupidity and I'm telling Lee how he's got a hot little cute roommate he's single now I'm like Lee why don't you just mug the roommate you don't know Joey you know he goes maybe want to lose some more way I mean they make a cute couple they giggle together she's cute she's 22 right yeah 22 yeah I go leave what you're doing you go over there she got the little blanket she was recently

you stick your finger in his machine gun right between little asshole and the monkey right there this machine gunner really lightly and it should just pop ahead and go leave what are you doing and you say we're friends and you're hoping those two fucking fingers from the side and he just massaged that little monkey in his face look at these gets all hot think about you little jute dirty best you can't do that to somebody you can't they love that shits I don't know surprise you just do it all the time you know I'm saying that's why they fly into you while you're sleeping oh yeah not die so next thing you know these

fucking two jerk off sit next to us you know two of those people that are rich but they want to be poor they dress dirty the guy had his hair a fucking fake blonde the chick didn't even wash her hair that dirty fucking pussy fuck with these house handles on these filth but then they pulled up in a fucking BMW 7 filthy motherfuckers you know and let's sit next to us trying to be fucking politically correct the guy was a half a fucking fag I think it was a he was a Republican dressed up like an artist you know I'm an artist you're a fucking scumbag Lee's eight inches from this guy saying Joey I'm not gonna stick my

fingers and he doesn't stop there he's like I'm not my machine gunner ass I can't do that I can't tongue her asshole like you I can't and I'm dying and this guy's hearing this and guys I'm gonna fucking I'm on a little bite I already had 300 milligrams of TAC flowing through my bloodstream I'm fucking baked to the gazelles and Lee won't shut the fuck up and every time he says I'm not gonna stick my tongue in the ass so I'm not gonna want to piss how many she's definitely a shit on my chest or whatever the fuck you said I'm dying I'm getting dizzy from laughing from the high the blood pressure I'm

getting dizzy Lee never had me a lot nobody's made me laugh that hard like but I love when it happens that's what happens when there's a table fucking full of room that's hoping you ever see you ever go to a dining room to eat and the place is fucking not busy and there's a table and you sit at that table and somebody else comes in they sit right next to you all the time man the fuck and the waiter brings them over there you feel like the waiter gonna dog give me some fucking room the whole place is over you want people sitting next to me for what I don't hate you and I just don't want people something next to me I

hate fucking people sitting next to me I haven't in the movie theater a lot too and that's worse because they choose it like I went to the movies with my dad when he was here we went to see a movie and this little Asian guy with the backpack came and in a half empty theater came and sat like literally in the seat next to my dad oh no I would have said yo get up you gotta go the whole fucking place is empty come on get the fuck out of here yeah but you were turning red yesterday look I couldn't even believe it dog I was fucking howling and I was high and you wouldn't shut the fuck up about it I'm not gonna let her

ass off and the guy would look and then you'd say I'm not gonna machine gunner asshole I'm not gonna put my fingers that lead did you do what she's fucking hot and she's got but she's 22 she's got perfect titties you know when they're 22 you know if they got a little B cup they're fucking sticking right up that's how she go out there and give her a stab look I do that when she's sleeping and a pussy taste good in the morning you're even seeing the morningly time yeah of course no early in the morning he's got that little pussy do yeah it's got a little pissy after taste after a night like that like it's hard to sleep

sometimes like you wake up at like you go to bed at 3 but you still wake up at 7 together so yeah yeah of course so what you wake up with your tongue that little asshole yeah yeah you better bail money ready what bail money you wake up check up with your tongue there's no bail money you rip you wake her up ripping our clothes off hitting your face with that corner a dirty hole like you know yeah then they'll call the cops on you but she's on your couch so like you met her on the street and took her home and then on the head with a stick you're just gonna rip her clit slowly like that like a savage look at you oh shit

you eat that little pussy I jump jump juice close up what do you say yeah you were dating a girl a few like a while ago and he's like some something oozed out or something oh yeah she had a little ooze come out of her pussy I don't know what it was clearly a juice fucking whatever I don't give a fuck it's like sour fucking toothpaste oh my god he's like the toothpaste tastes like sour cream we still got a cock suckers Monday get it make it happen write your goals a pussy this tastes like it was delicious oh Jesus Christ don't you miss eating that little monkey early in the morning I do but mucking to do it to

a girl like unexpectedly no that's what he wouldn't do send her a postcard and tell you I mean a pussy no they like it they like to wake up to it like like music yeah it's like waking up to the stones you can't get what you want your angels singing gotta tongue up your asshole if you up with a top your ass when you don't know what can you imagine I know I'm gonna go down in that little Jew dick and rub your little Jew feathers together take the yarmulke off the helmet in the morning and you fucking suck your little stomach get what would you do you gonna do this fuck no you gonna suck that little Jew pipe of

course I would but it's different like that's that's that's a big question on them like so like mobile five when he said that on that podcast because what podcast about what about about Lucy stormish they're fucking no one does that anymore no one you can't just like even without the quailude it would have been enough but you're on a quailude you break in and then you do it what are you gonna do you're gonna call them and tell them you're coming you're gonna send them a text I'm coming over to your pussy no some people like the element of surprise I would love in my youth when I was a single if somebody woke me up

sucking my pipe you imagine a woman bracing to you how stabs up and sucks your dick to me no no no for a guy that was asleep just fucking stabs a goes in the room puts the knife down and takes your little fucking Jew fucking helmet out and why are we talking about this late people don't want to hear this shit at 8 in the morning that's why I try to tell you leave the same fucking I'm losing the man never got to a strip club I'm very proud of you Lee yeah I can't we're both together all right we'll do a podcast see that it's not fucking you know about uh it's gotta be 12 13 years ago I did something I gotta check one

afternoon that was bigger than expected when I lived on Gardner okay then by Al compadre and if you walk down Al compadre on the sunset strip if you cross the strip clubs yeah right before you get to Lebray there's a strip club the seventh heaven the seventh veil okay and then if you go around the corner it's that real popular one on sunset not the one down by the clubs where people go to but yeah yeah this is on Lebray okay I bought coke there I didn't have to go in the Armenian used to hang out there and you meet me outside by the gas station and while I was pumping the car up me come over and bring me the blow

but excuse me that place next to Lebray down sunset okay that's what the celebrities go don't do shit in there like they'll just show you titties in there then you have the other one the seventh veil we're in the afternoons I think they lick your balls there oh yeah that's the worst part of the afternoon right what's drill dark in there one day I went in there very dark with money and I walked out and I could have got my dick sucked or whatever the fuck they doing there even at that age I felt creepy yeah I always felt creepy about that I don't like that touch type thing I like to have a relationship with

talking a little bit at least and it's just there's one over in West LA right on like at the entrance to the four or five like it's literally almost in on the on ramp and it's like next to like like a auto body place I'm like this like this just doesn't seem like the right place to be the best thing I when I started in Denver there was the Diamond Cabaret isn't Denver and when I first started doing comedy in 94 the Diamond Cabaret had just opened and on Monday nights into the combination comedy strip thing Jesus and I remember sitting there and the word on the street was that they had good stakes you know

like that was the world on the street and I remember sitting there seeing guys coming to strip was like four men distinguish them and they would eat a steak on a baked potato and women would come up and go would you like a dancer like no no no we're here on business like to be big shots Jesus that's like the third one the girl would sit and they didn't press the girl like what yeah we're here talking about 401ks and that shit has always driven me fucking crazy when idiots think they're impressing this other idiot by talking big in front of her or giving out like little dots like we're in the mafia and

the girls like oh my god during the mafia that shit has driven me fuck when I used to date cattle she'd come home once a week with some fucking story with a guy and I'd say to her if he was that why were you being your little fucking don't be strip club and whatever the fuck you work yeah you're following me I mean these guys go in there and they'd be bad it's a whole creepy fucking game that is just I don't know it just drives me fucking nuts do you feel bad do don't you have friends that go to strip clubs oh yeah I mean it's not and what do you say when they go I want to go out to the strip club I've had it a

couple times but like I've never been it's never been in a car and like I'd say like no no cuz I mean I would go I don't I don't care if anyone else does it there's actually a story I my I went to New York when I was like six and we walked by one of those peep show things and I asked my dad what it was he's like there's a naked girls dancing in there and I like I said why would why would anyone pay to go see naked girls like I just didn't it didn't understand them when I was like six and I don't know it there's I don't really have any judgment against him and I probably wouldn't end up going but it's like it's never

something I would want to do not your style no hey listen man that's what makes a special that we're different it's weird because when I was about 14 we used to go to the city play hooky and walk around New York yeah and one day a bunch of us were walking by and some pimp made us go into like a bar in the afternoon she's that's how you learn and we sat down at the bar and we're like you know we're 14 like we don't give a fuck you know what really give us a vodka tonic give us a whatever and also a girl comes next to you and she sits next to you and she lets you rub her titties and shit and she's like can I

buy something to drink and you're like what do you buy she'll drink champagne it's $30 here you are in the eighth grade you got like $12 and she's looking when you're like no I don't have no fucking money they throw you out of there that was no lesson we learned but one of them my buddy cracked open the champagne so we all had a chip in so and I learned my lesson that way you follow me it's it's fucking crazy it's a complete different animal that some people into it and some people don't I question myself sometimes why I'm not into it I question myself sometimes like why can't right now because when you

get off victory off the 170 yeah there's a huge strip club okay the Valley Park isn't the whole thing a lot of times it's 10 30 I know my wife is sleeping I'm driving home I see this and I'm like yeah and it's not that I don't like naked girls it's like that that's not the thing it's just like that it's just a I don't know when I did coke you when I was doing blow you could probably get it easier to take me to a strip club when I was doing blow would be easier for you to get me to a strip club just because I was halfway there okay and I remember a fucking story when I worked on Thornton and 104th I was about 30 years old at the

time my wife was pregnant I was in the halfway house and I had to make money to get married she was about a month pregnant okay Alex Ray I called the podcast yeah of course Alex Ray I was one of the guys on the halfway house I gotta look up his number again I lost his number really good kid Alex Ray I was my roommate but Alex Ray there's one particular story where for six or seven weeks I was selling blow at the halfway house with no problems I was pulling up walking in with my suit on people would wave I go upstairs I cut the coke and sell it okay what the fuck was my thought yeah holy shit what we talking

uh strip clubs okay and it was one weekend when I was and I was making money Lee I was probably I was loan sharking money in the halfway house for right to pay the rent and I was selling blow plus I was doing it was the first year Mitsubishi Mitsubishi have released the eclipse okay a little really speak and people are buying them at sticker so I was making six seven hundred dollars a piece I was selling one of those a fucking day wow and I was trying to pay for a wedding I was paranoid I was young I thought I was and I was really gonna get off cocaine once I do this I'll stop selling coke and I was not doing

blow people here's the beauty of the story I'm about to tell you I was not doing coke I was selling coke I was probably putting away an ounce a day selling at this time I was making money Lee how much would that make you bet Jesus and you'd buy it for what 1500 in those days I was getting ounces for 800 I would cut the coke a little bit might get 35 grams out of it and some for 60 80 if I knew you if I was frenzy I'd give you the whole Rockets and don't put any coke on it you know I used to get it from this Mexican dude that had a gym in Alcapucco and they're opposite their seasons opposite ours

okay so he would come up in the wintertime and give me that blow he would leave in a pink can for me fucking crazy stories but we're talking about this night so I have this half ounce of fucking blow and I got to be at the halfway house at 12 okay and we used to get off at work at nine but there's one particular night we used to get off at work at nine but it was a late store so so much of my puke no nun Jesus fucking Christ I took as a book cock sucker cuz I keep seeing you go like this like you're gonna get sick like when you drink that fucking bat juice you're drinking no fun so there's one

night we used to go there ten uh-huh and there's one night the owner was like let's get the fuck out of here nine so I had three hours to kill I got this half ounce of blow mm-hmm at this point it was like I was clean six months but I would I would have it in my pocket and I was dying to fucking do it on me it was an excuse yeah on the way home in there I see this place because in Thornton Colorado at the time that bars that had no booze but the chicks dance naked okay and I said let me pull over at this place see what's going on I go in there and they have a Korean girl at this time I had never really seen an

Asian naked girl like this but this chick was just wasn't a naked Asian this chick was banging Lee yeah she had the fake titties the beautiful bush the whole fucking thing and they didn't dance in the private rooms they danced in stalls oh you cut deals with them and tackle them and suck their pussy and do whatever fuck they want dog I started giving this girl bumps so I started doing fucking bumps I started eating her pussy I think I walked in there with $14 and I left there with nothing Jesus and I left there coped up to and I had to go back to the halfway house and it's not like you could call the halfway

house and say I'm not coming back you don't show up at 12 there's a warrant out for your fucking arrest and sheriffs are starting to look for you so I had like an hour straight in my face up yeah I stopped sweating I stopped I bought vizine I did everything I fucking could I took the coke I hid it in my socks to walk it in so I can make my money back okay I blew everything on the stripper I don't think I fucked it I either I either ass I suck the tits I fingered I think she gave me a hand job this guy pulled the fucking hair I mean she was beautiful for 1500 trust and I pulled I left the pussy stink on my hands I could

jerk off at home and get three more wax out of it I mean you know we're fucking disgusting savages as men and I don't know if I went to the half like I thought about this girl for two or three days here my wife was breaking at home I mean I was fucking nuts the blow and I went back on the blow that Korean sent me over the fucking top with that hot little fucking Korean twat it sent me over the top Lisa yeah so I had I've had I've had adventures at strip clubs I don't want you to think that I'm some you know pussy or whatever it's just been really weird like I never really I didn't remember that story so I was

writing years ago okay remember that what led me to that first bus there was that Korean girl with streaks and a hair and a suntan I mean this girl was banging and she was like from here she had grown up here you know okay and I'm sure I'd love it if I went to it but yeah but you gotta go to a buck wild one see I don't want to go to a place where the chicks show you their tits and they don't take their panties over I don't even like playing games with people like that show me the monkey from day one yeah I don't want to play Houdini or play fucking you know what's behind curtain number two show me a titties

come on show me the monkey get on your fucking hands and knees and show me the fucking real soul show me that for wisdom music Lee you said you're gonna play some fucking music to perk me up today Monday morning we gotta get these people going I can't set them out there with a bad mood Lee no we never did I tell them oh shit Michael Jackson Mondays this shit go out there smack a fucking kid let him know the captain Kirk by the enterprises what is this shit oh shit here you go you gotta wake up uncle Joey today let me see you wiggle papa it's Monday man oh shit put your hands up in the ice to the genie

okay move your neck like a genie you know the fucking genius I've never heard of that disco move we just invented it right fucking now that's why nobody's ever heard of it okay like this so you put your hands up and then you shake your head okay but you gotta move the neck you fuck oh shit I can't do it hold on oh shit buskily you want smoke another number no I gotta join us some shit to the fucking capitalize you know that I think smoke I smoked all of me don't think I got oh shit the sticky icky it's a beautiful day to be alive I'm happy you guys are with us I'm back I'm in Sacramento California this motherfucking

weekend nice what days Thursday Friday Saturday at the punchline in a Sacramento I like this club they got a sushi place up there nice rocks I can't wait I'll be up there but I'll be up there after Easter no no I'll be up there good Friday oh yeah and I have a good time at this club it's a small club very personal I can't wait to see my main man a B runs the fucking joint and you're going up there with a yeah I guess you know he's a funny nice guy yeah I justina was a funny fucking kid last night left him flat you know Lee I gotta tell you something man it's funny having a child now because my wife is like

well you have to get the kid on a schedule and I've always known them what's fucked up about me my mother never put me on a schedule I didn't nap till I was 20 something okay like I never even knew you had a nap in the afternoons you just would be happy up you know it's funny how you have to nap and it's funny how the last eight or nine or ten years since I discovered sleep at me I know a lot of people been sending me emails that was since the doctor called they've gone for east lap sleep at me checks and they've gotten sleep at so thank you very much you know when we do these fucking podcasts it's

like we sit here and jump up and down and shit like that I try to get you like today some guy was supposed to call it six day by your health and fitness you like Joey you really are too fat fucks you know we're just two swingers why the fuck do we gotta listen to this shit because it's men's health man and if we could help anyway each other anyway I got emails from people sending me tips all the time I got a great fucking menu some guy sent me this is what we do here so some nights we're gonna talk about eating pussy some nights are gonna talk about drug and some nights I'm gonna talk about that there is a future in

your fucking life we're gonna keep improving ourselves and improving our health you know Lee's inspired me to go back to Weight Watch I went back to Weight Watch I didn't want to tell you what I weigh but I stuck to the points the last three fucking days I knew once I went to New Orleans that that was the epicotinous I knew that my wife's pregnancy but I also knew this director and I knew that he wanted me fat for this role I wanted my stomach fat when I went to the audition he goes you trimmed down a little bit too much you got to start eating some Christmas cookies I fucking knew I knew he wanted a heavier

Joey Diaz and I feel good I've been doing that I've been doing the elliptical yeah oh you're saying you're doing a lot harder yeah no more weights no more nothing just elliptical the fucking treadmill and the bag and that's it I'm going to kickboxing today tomorrow Wednesday and then Thursday Friday Saturday I'll run up there because they have an elliptical machine at the hotel must be hard on the road because I couldn't do a rose traveling I couldn't know the road is easier than here because you have all this time every hotel you go to has something well working out wise but I mean eating wise it's even easier really

I'll tell you why Lee when you're here when you're at work how many times do I call you at work what happens at your job don't people bring food in now the time okay so here you got donuts and you got shit in your fucking back the thing about society today is that there's no more excuses you could curb your way around everything I need place I go to I get a bowl oatmeal correct yeah you're for breakfast yeah I get a bowl of fruit correct yeah breakfast that's it but I mean I mean I know in like bigger cities there must be like like in New Orleans you could have nice city every city has oatmeal Lee everybody's got

Dennis you follow me so it's over there's no more excuses yeah some of the best oatmeal you can have is at Dennis why for breakfast but what about for lunch lunch everybody's got a chicken breast and everybody's got a salad yeah that's true and everybody's got a half water for salad there's no more excuses everybody's got diet iced tea and everybody sells water yeah I don't want you to go to McDonald's and get a salad that's not healthy no yeah but if you're out and about every restaurant has a lettuce tomato and onion salad yeah and it's funny I was I had to go return a movie last night and I drove by a

Carl's Jr. at midnight and it was Pat and and nor I wouldn't I used to not like the only reason you would notice it before is because I'd be pissed I'd have to wait in line but now I noticed it and it's a Mike Dolje said something when he was on here that when you think about eating fast food you should look at the people going in and out and think if you want to be like them and they were like I didn't see anyone like 800 pounds last night but I was like because I have been cravings and just seeing them like just wait in line and getting at like I was thinking about it at midnight when you're supposed to be going to sleep you

don't like you could be hungry but you don't need that like that food that's nightmares that shocks your fucking when you're sleeping that destroys your fucking internal system because now your internal system is working harder your belly goat you're eating fucking garbage yeah now your body's trying to sleep but trying to destroy that fucking thing it's toxins going into your fucking body I can't even imagine like I said I was never I'm not a late night eater but I'm definitely not a and like I said I don't know how many times I went over the yum yum donuts and my wife is pregnant night and I look over at Taco

Bell and go wow but they also tell people smoking is not good and people smoke cigarettes the same way I smoke cigarettes for years they also tell people and not drinking soda it all goes hand in hand now yeah and if you look at it once you step back Lee right now you're still young in this once you step back you start to see wow I've survived without this yeah it's like when you go to prison for years before I went to prison I'm like I need to smoke weed oh it's like I told you once you go to prison all your phobias disappear all that shit that you need all that shit that you fucking need yeah goes the way

and you find that about a lot you you find a lot about yourself the things that you need and you could do without yeah of course and the things that you could live without you like wow right here I thought that I couldn't live without weed what am I gonna do you live you learn to live without it yeah it's the same way with you know uh there's no excuses I hate to fucking say this you could go to the subway and get a tuna salad with no bed yeah one night and night you're taking your chances and trying to get sick because a lot of people get that fucking a lot of people get that tuna get food poisoning I've

seen it more on Facebook I got food poisoning about six seven years ago but if you really want to eat healthy your options are that every airport has yogurt and fucking strawberries and granola now every yogurt to go it might not be the healthiest thing but it's a lot better than getting an egg me muffin and a thing so there are options for people oh yeah and that's what I learned through Weight Watches and that's why Weight Watches is the best diet out there because it teaches you how to eat again it teaches you to eat a bowl of cereal and after you eat that bowl of cereal you go I'm not really

hungry I eat fast yeah I eat the speed of light I don't even taste the food I eat like I'm fucking going to the chair so what happens to you is when you eat that fast you don't even realize you're full or you're not full yeah so that's what fucking happens to you but no more there's no excuses in society today they give you the option it's not like they gonna give you the best options for breakfast when I go to an airport now dog I eat the fucking granola yeah you have to and that's it my problem is always my eyes are bigger than my stomach so when I look at like a menu

like especially like a Chinese menu you want the the main dish but then you also want dumplings but then also you want egg rolls and then I was there I'm the king of fucking appetizers oh yeah but you also realize that like the last time I went to eat Chinese food my wife was when my friends were here from Jersey I got no appetizers I just got a non-course I didn't get the soup because if I get the soup I gotta eat the noodles oh yeah and you realize that you live see in our minds we think oh we won't live in order of lunch special I can't just eat that I gotta eat everything

eat the lunch special sit for five minutes if you're still hungry then we'll get two more of those egg rolls and we'll all fucking party you know we'll all rock and roll and party it's it's really weird how your mind works I had a friend that was really heavy and then when she lost a hundred pounds I knew this lady personally I gotta tell you something her reading habits were worse than yours she didn't go to she wasn't a fast food chick fast food was one of the many oh yeah she was boxes of cookies oh yeah and when I tell you no no no no no no no no

she'd eat a bag the two bags of chips ahoy every night so it was the chips ahoy the nuttabuthers the I don't even know I don't even know all the cookies yeah and I didn't know this till we used to go on the road oh geez that she spent so much cookies that instead of buying on the road she'd bring it with her the floor 9-11 she'd bring a suitcase of just goodies not driving on the plane listen to me a suitcase people at home a suitcase stacked like when you bring clothes and you have to fucking get it and close it because she felt if she bought it in bulk in LA it would be cheaper if she took it on the road there oh my god I couldn't believe it yeah you name it M&M's pretzels

fucking and she'd kill it every night kill boxes that shit oh yeah I mean I I wasn't never that bad but I I used to laugh to myself because when I go grocery shopping that's all my my car I would like it'd be like a nine-year-old dream it was chips and cookies and and I that's the only thing I'd go grocery shopping for because I hate cooking so I would usually go out or maybe cook pasta but I'd usually go out but my my anytime I would go out of a can huh you go out of a can no no no I don't like ragu I never like it's a it's a blue glass thing I forget what the name of it is but like I get nice pasta sauce but actually any sauce I would join nice pasta sauce well fuck I can't make pasta you could make it but we're gonna start make if I can make sauce you

can make sauce and I'm an idiot because I'm gonna you know I'm a bona fide fucking moron so if I'm a bona fide fucking moron I can make sauce I can make shrimp and lobster so I can make a lot of things I'm just lazy yeah that's a thing you know and everything I can make is fat induced of course I can make the best steak and eggs in California I get the best steak I chop it I put it over white bread with toast with butter so the gravy from the fucking steak goes on the butter so when you dip the toast in the fucking yolk the toast tastes like the steak you follow me I don't fuck around I put onions on top of the steak I'm from Northbury in New Jersey dog I don't know a lot about a lot of things but no one thing I know how to fucking eat yeah I didn't get to be 415 pounds

I stand on one of McDonald's I you want to fucking cook I'll cook with you at the fucking house the whole thing is I tell you what else this is all this is all weight watching cheats just so you know when you get back to eating okay either salad before and after and during your dinner before and after before I go eat I'll pop three fucking apples okay yeah I mean that makes sense why not yeah last night I got home I ate a fucking cantaloupe I got up this morning I was late this morning I had to take a 22 minute shit I had shit everywhere I had my eyes I had it everywhere I had on my chest you know because these are things little things Lee and I'm still a fat fuck but I'm eating better I'm eating better and that's all we've ever wanted from you I care

about you do you're doing this fucking shit you know how next time you look at McDonald's say look what I'm fucking putting up with because of these motherfuckers next time you look at Carl Jr. say to yourself look what I'm drinking you might as well let this chick piss in your fucking mouth it's better it's better than this shit you're drinking probably yeah it's better you take that little roommate you guys make her run three miles and you eat her asshole it tastes better than the shit you're drinking you and I both know this we kind ourselves until the drink's good but it tastes like dick so next time you look at that you say to yourself before I go eating that motherfucking place don't want to do that again look what I taste it again this is worse you

rather eat a cracko's asshole than eat at that fucking place I tell you this and this and see it away because I love you guys no yeah it's uh it's tough because it's hard on you I can tell on your eyes but now you're used to it when I'm used to it God bless you God bless you this is fine but it's a uh that I'm I have to go out for like a couple weeks when my mom's here and uh but where are you going I'm going to Vegas the week before the weekend before but my mom's gonna be here and oh I found I didn't know what you're talking about that garlic restaurant it's called the stinking rose I looked it up online it looks amazing come on dog I don't throw you know I ain't fucking what you're going there you're going there you don't make no plans after like mom I want to go to the

movie no mom mom you don't want to do nothing in fact you ain't even staying in the house that night when we go back and put you in a hotel because the shit that I don't want you to be that embarrassed oh yeah they have a they have an appetizer what is it break it down for these people it's it's very simple go to men you get the fucking men you break it down for these people hold on I'll look at the over ooh okay a little garlic for you I'll look at the name of it but it's uh it's uh like a crock pot or like a clay crock pot and it's filled with warm olive oil and they just put garlic cloves in there well I tell you guys they look like a kid really soft and like you melt it on your bread yo and they bring you the fucking garlic yeah and it's like spreading it you turn it upside

down and squeeze it's like popping a pimple and it comes out this garlic and you put it on your fucking bread now whatever they bring you dip that in yeah guys you have no fucking idea I've been there three two times maybe and they even have we do desserts please let me find the menu for you you know I don't fuck around with you people I only give you the fucking but a little music only two while we're going for the menu we'll we'll finish with roller because I don't have any more lined up but uh yeah this it's a it's fucking crazy menu um yeah everything is fucking everything it's called it's club on your cop on your calda is the garlic soaked in a hot tub come on you take that you rub it on your dick your garlic cloves oven roasted in extra virgin olive oil and butter

with a hint of anchovy guys I don't fuck with new people oh yeah and then they hit uh they have muscle of shrimp uh and they have fucking prime rib I think uh they have garlic and garlic onion and potato soup uh fucking filet mignon uh fucking with garlic cloves in it oh yeah sticking coming out of it and what I'm really excited to try is uh I can't oh here it is it's uh I can't find the name of it but it's it's uh like shrimp pasta and like it's I can't fucking wait I'm gonna call it good what's the dessert I'll tell you later hold on what's up beautiful how you doing man you know me though over here smoking joints for fucking Jesus well let me ask you so what time did you get up this morning 445 holy shit all right and what

time did you go to sleep to get up before 45 9 20 okay and so is the baby sleeping like a motherfucker come on the baby goes to bed my wife is fucking uh Hitler for you my baby goes to bed at 8 30 and she sleeps till 3 30 my wife pops a titanum out and she continues on till about six or seven that's amazing she slept seven hours straight last night I know that the night before saturday night we had her out all day we took her to the UFC and uh she went to bed after the UFC she slept straight till five my wife was bragging about it to her mother seven and a half hours straight is amazing it's the THC and my sperm dog and travel do you follow me that's old school THC it's 45 years of sleepy sperm can you believe that no no she sleeps through the night uh the other

night there was a problem there was issues uh like one in the morning but see my wife has a good so if she gets up now if she sleeps four hours and she gets up my wife thinks it's an issue she has no fucking idea I told her yesterday no she has no fucking idea you know I've seen those women you've seen them up in the valleys Mexican women pushing one pushing two one in the crib and they're pregnant and my wife is bitching because there was a sock on the floor I think you might have seen me at one point in time walking the Saint Bernard I had one in a stroller one on a backpack and one holding my hand man that was amazing that your youngest turned 16 yesterday huh oh are you kidding me are you kidding me 16 man turned 16 yesterday I was it was I couldn't even

believe it I could I he was from stand there next to this six one and a half beans bean socks and I'm like this dude is 16 years old 16 I can't even believe it I mean smoking weed the whole day is he smoking weed yeah how much not a lot well you don't like the boo so we won there no he went past it he doesn't like it no that's what we're saying you don't like the boo so we won there so that's good yeah yeah yeah absolutely you know what I went all around with that one no you hit the jackpot he's healthy that's the number one thing brother yeah we just spent a weekend in DC man it was first birthday it was good what was in the show you just okay you did some shows I did some shows I did some shows at this new coffee club I keep going they keep putting me

into these new places Joey you wouldn't lost your mind okay so it was the living social building in DC so it wasn't a comedy club it was they bought a building so it was a room that basically it was an empty office and they probably thought what the fuck are we gonna do with this I mean honestly after I did my comedy it looks like they could have put a macrame class in there there was two you know those old DJ speakers at my bar mitzvah you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah they stand them up yeah they had one of those on either side of the stage the stage was like those it was basically a piece of wood with four milk cartons on the edge there was no liquor and it was it was uh they just served perhaps blue ribbon in a can high in a can in a bottle

and wine and no waitresses so you had to get up and get your own drink did you did you cast a check yet yeah I got to check a cash you bang that motherfucker that night you go right to the ATM machine you pay an extra 6.95 to tell you that check is bogus bitch you take it right back to the mouth DC is home of the cab driver that doesn't know where the fuck anything is I got into three cabs and one one address as I can take me to 9 f 9 18 f street now that's an easy one because f street you know it's in a little quadrant and he said where is that I said it's up 9 18 f street and he goes do you know how to get there no I go do you have a GPS and he goes do you think I'm rich I go no I think you're a fucking cab driver so you should know where the fuck you're

going hey he he he had no idea we had to pull over and ask another cab driver how to get there that's the work you've never played the improv in DC none of those clubs indeed I've never played the improv either so I haven't you know what outside of the southern california improv's the improv doesn't give me a whole lot of love huh I'm sure that's fucking crazy yeah I don't I don't play DC at all at least you go to DC I haven't been to DC in 22 fucking years are you allowed to go to DC yeah I got no warrants in DC where are the warrants right now right now there's one warrant existing and we're trying to take care of it in seattle but there's such a fucking cock suckers when how long what's that warrant for

this warrant is from 1997 to failure to go to anger management clubs that's it that's it anger management class I'm sorry so they're not $10,000 felony warrant if I get arrested in Oregon or I get arrested in Idaho I go to jail in Seattle they extradite me back to Seattle I finally Josh Wolf took care of the whole child support thing yep after four fucking years in fact sadly I got two checks back from them wait they actually paid you back they sent me two checks back oh they were taking money out of my check for fucking four years after the fact I thought they were taking it for uh for old money no excuse me they were taking it for after the fact you really got to watch your paperwork in today's society because

you don't know what the fuck you're really paying for anymore how much did it take them they took 3,500 out of a checking account that I didn't have I was saving for my taxes they just went in there and fucking yanked it out of that without no saying nothing and they said that we're gonna come back for more like the outlaw Josie Wales they were coming back dog these motherfuckers don't fuck around I got panicky so I called them it was California that said that I owed them interest they were collecting a vig that they weren't allowed to collect by law they weren't allowed to collect it so now they're spending all these checks you know when they look for you her biggest mistake was that she went worldwide with it

like a little fucking rat and this is why you know 30 years ago you'd get away with anything today my friends with the computer age you're fucked you know I went and tried to get my background checked there's 20 towns that never gave my arrest records up or nothing because in the 80s nobody gave a fuck who cares he stabbed somebody throw that away yeah now fucking they put everything down they got everything on computer uh what else is going on in your world brother buddy I got that book coming out tomorrow that's why you called I was happy about that we want to talk about that how long did it take you to write this book I guess it took like two or three months you know mostly it's and you know you're right up front in the in the in the in the thank yous thank

you sir because it's it's right up uh it took about two or three months man but not I guess for a book that's not that long but there are all real stories you know and they're all about that time of my life when I was raising those kids by myself but and I always said like I made sure I actually called child protective services and I said listen if I write if something comes out retroactively I can't get in trouble for shit that happened with the kids right like we did some stuff that I'm sure the law would not be happy about but retro he only said many years ago when we did what we had to do to survive you know what I mean whoa whoa whoa you did nothing but raise three children and he did it for the best of your ability gives a fuck I remember when we were

going to rob the coffee maker and we cased the fucking joint all day the starbucks on melrose that's not even there no more I told you I was robbing those clothes I was a fucking king of the coffee when coffee went public I made millions of dollars selling and stealing and fucking expresso I love you espresso what am I what are my favorite things to watch you do was going to 7-11 because you and you tell me the trick to stealing something at 7-11 is buying something because you can't just go in and steal something they're gonna watch you so you would go up and you would put something on the counter and as you put something on the counter you would have him turn around and get something and you would basically take everything off of

that camera everything lighters peanuts m&m's a fucking valentines card even if I didn't have a valentine you were walking there and but that's how you know we went on the walk with the kids we grabbed some stuff out the car whatever you can pull but yeah man the whole and here's the thing this is the thing in this book man is it uh it's got a little bit everything because you know uh if even if you don't have kids look I was a young guy still trying to you know get people to have sex with me in the back of a minivan you know what I mean it's not even that's not exactly a panty dropper when you have to move a car seat to have sex with somebody so all that stuff is still in there and you know my big thing right now and why I'm pushing it is because my

publisher kind of fucked me they made a huge they had some bigger names to start signing books okay and they kind of lost me in the shuffle and then my publisher if I added her admitted to me I dropped the ball she's I dropped the ball I'm really sorry and as soon as she said that it was almost like she felt like she could completely drop the ball and they let me go so I'm telling people I want to get on that new york time specialist just despite those people man all right let's do this and I and I want if I get on there I'm going to go into my editor's office and in New York and I'm going to take a shit out of this and then save something for me no no no I'm proud of you they I'm trying to write a book now and I've been writing 18 fucking

books I got 19 directions I'm going with but I also told you when I first what are you trying to do with it you try to do but then you're from New York in color I don't know I don't know what I'm trying to do I'm trying to do what brought me down and how I brought myself up you know there wasn't anything that I robbed it was having a two or three conversations that really changed my life and I want to write it from there but I also told you that there's nights I'm going to you know tv starts at eight o'clock and you know my wife watches jeopardy and I don't know what comes on at seven thirty eight o'clock I'm going through the channels and I'll look at Chelsea and I'll see that you're on I watch you and I see you at your hat I see you having a good time and giggling

and laughing and I think about when I'd see you in the mornings making fucking breakfast with a kid in your chest and your hat on and feeding two more and I come break your balls about what's for breakfast and you'd even feed me you'd even feed me you know beans and turkey burgers the healthiest thing out there but it's amazing if people only knew I always thought that'd be a very interesting story that there was more behind that and you stepped up to the pump as a man I could never do it now I had to do it at 50 but you were doing it with you when you're a fucking early 30s wait a second 50 is that how you're as I hold you're telling people you are I'm 50 right now I just turned 50 February 19th you know what's crazy is that listen forever and this is true

people say how old is Joe Diaz and I would say he could be 30 he could be 50 he's really you don't know nobody fucking knows I'm gonna stay 50 for about eight years I've always told people it depends which ID he shows you because he could show you one where he's 33 oh yeah I got him all I got a birth certificate that says I'm fucking yeah you can show one yeah you know people think I don't have a passport how the fuck there's a guy like me living this planet without a passport you understand me I got a passport Jose Diaz Joey Diaz don't have a passport but I got a passport but now with cameras and surveillance they're gonna know I'm fucking mad flavor you know somebody's gonna follow me on Twitter those places now but now you you don't go to Oregon or Idaho day

I went to Oregon you know Idaho I haven't been to in fucking years but I've been to Oregon to bend and stuff like that and you know it's always sits in the back of your mind but you never really think about it I mean they're throwing me they want me to go up there and turn myself in and wait for three days and go in front of a fucking judge and I'm trying to do it with a bail bond and see if the quicker I get rid of that I could go to fucking China and I'd go to Hong Kong and I go to England do comedy I still can't go to Canada wait me to go to China and do comedy oh yeah yeah once I fucking get Seattle taken care of I could go to China and do comedy which I wanted to go to England I want to go to Ireland I want to go to Hong Kong China and do

comedy for because I want to run with Bruce Lee's nephew I don't fucking know they got spare ribs can I tell you if you went to China you would be I just imagine you walking through the streets and people following you just how about Japan I want to go to Japan I want to go to Thailand and get my balls sucked do you ever think of that they have never seen a body a body like yours in China yes they do Bolo and then to the dragon remember he was all juiced up and shit and he's still walking around in North Hollywood somewhere selling fucking you could shave maybe shave your head and go back you could be the Buddha the new Buddha for China stop though stop I'm telling you my one of my favorite things you ever said to anybody was there we were at

a comedy show and it was a good-looking Asian woman in front row and you go oh hey hey yo Gina you're sexy aren't you and she was hot thank you and you're you make me want to go home and play karate kid with myself oh there was one on the plane with me there was a dirty filthy fucking whore on the plane with me a Vietnamese one she got on the plane when she sat behind me and she had the people behind me tell she was talking about she's an artist and all this shit circus desolated this bitch had big-ass titties and she was banging she had a weird face though you know she wasn't no fucking Korean chick that looked hot but she was banging she's back and I finally the guy got up and she's like don't you talk and I looked at him I said you know what you're a filthy fucking

animal aren't you and she just turned pale because I told her future she'd have to pay for this shit she was a filthy animal in fact they were flying this bitch in the suck dick that's how filthy she was in Vegas no we were coming back from Louisiana last week how that was pretty amazing yeah it was pretty amazing I'm still fucking when I look at the camera with the pictures I still my head almost blows up wait a second you went to UFC this weekend no I watched it I didn't go anywhere this week I just watched it was in Montreal I'm not allowed in Canada that's right I didn't get to see it so did GSP kill him no GSP beat him but not for what you thought let me tell you something in the third round Momo came to life Diaz came to life and started throwing punches and opened

them up and you could see that GSP was a little worried he knew that that guy went on a flurry that guy swims to Alcatraz and back josh wolf he does what he swims to Alcatraz and back he runs you know 20 miles he he goes to jitsu he runs he comes back and he does this smoking weed which is even more of a miracle you know the guys just one of those guys I'm gonna see those guys hopefully this week I'm going to Sacramento when are you gonna be in Sacramento I'm in Sacramento yeah I was gonna ask you I'm there on the 28th when you there I'm there this weekend so you're there the week after I'll be pushing you up there yeah man I'm just there for one night to sell this book man I gotta tell you this is this is the thing that I'm most nervous about that I've

ever done you know do you get nervous for anything anymore everything I don't get nervous when I go on stage anymore I still get nervous that's what makes me go bananas well I you see here's a thing I guess we're saying different things like I get energy like anxious but I don't I don't get nervous I used to think every night before I went on stage I used to think tonight is the night that they find out I'm not that funny that just went away a couple months ago and now it's more of a nerves like oh shit these people are actually here to see me I hope I don't let them down I do think that but I don't think that's nervous you know what I mean that's more like I think maybe it is nervous but now it's more of a fear of letting people down

like I these people actually came to see me I hope I don't let them down like I hope I can live up to to you know to them getting the babysitter and buying two tickets and buying two drinks each you know that I feel like that's my responsibility and I used to get nervous like I I know I'm not funny now they're not they're gonna know nothing I don't get that anymore but I'm really nervous about this because do you get very insecure before you go on stage what you think of everything bad that you've done and how you're not funny that's what I think about I beat myself up in that way you know well I beat myself I beat myself like if I if I you know if I'm in Chattanooga, Tennessee right which I will be just coming up soon but Chattanooga, Tennessee I'm assuming not a whole

lot of money right so say you know Tom and Jane spend their little bit of money that they get you know they got one date night and they save it up to come see me that's their responsibility I like I've been like what if I fuck their night up yeah I'm the same way I'm thinking that too I don't even like people buying t-shirts after the show well I don't mean it I mean either because I know that you got a babysitter oh I hate it I fucking hate it even when I was poked up and I needed 40 dollars I couldn't sell that and you know I could sell anything I would have sold fucking keys to somebody's apartment in those days I don't give a fuck but I couldn't do it I don't have the balls to go up to somebody after they spend seven dollars a drink and 20 a show to say I need a t-shirt now

for 20 dollars or whatever the fuck what what kind of stories do you have in this book bro man I got look do you remember the peanut butter and jelly delivery service yeah I got the story about you know when I had obviously I had no money and the kids uh they um I couldn't afford daycare but we needed to make money and you know we go to the impromptu make ten dollars a set so you know people you can't make money in town I remember they used to leave other people's checks in the front remember you get your check I used to steal little checks and put them on my check account Drew Carey had all those checks and we used to steal and put them on my check and check and see what are you gonna do though sign them over and wish you never asked

Drew Carey he would get those 50 dollars Drew Carey would get 50 dollar checks we get like 750 yeah he would get the 50 dollar check for because they would go down and do a live version of whose line is it anyways 750 yeah that was the best seven dollars and 50 cents they were the bad bad checks and people would be like aren't you making money in town making money in town what was it tell me for 20 bucks 10 15 15 a set so if you do one set a night you get 75 fucking dollars or something like that yeah it wasn't great but uh so you know I used to I had to figure out a way to make money so I started that um a peanut butter and jelly delivery service where I would take the kids and we we deliver menus to places in Hollywood and they

would they would order peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from us and we would make them at the house and deliver them in a little red wagon and then but I always had the kids deliver the food and I would I would make them look a little dirty because they would get better tips if they looked a little dirty you know I mean like I would mess up their hair just a little bit to make them look a little sadder and I was like make sure you don't smile too much in there you rub dirt in their face on the teeth yeah make make sure you look a little sad like you've been there a couple days like you're making them a sandwich you can't eat one it's really funny that I look at you now and people look at you and you're all bright and shiny but you paid your dues bro and you

paid your dues times 10 you slung a lot of dick so god made you raise a kid by yourself and uh it turns into a savage bro well listen it just basically taught me that there was no there was no room to to quit I mean there's no it it taught me like when I was living in that one bedroom with all those kids and that fucking tamponade and I was they you know they were eating two meals a day and maybe I was eight and one it just basically taught me that uh I mean that there's no times that to feel sorry for yourself because you're just gonna if you feel sorry for yourself you're just gonna keep saying you're gonna sink deeper into the shit and there were days here's what I always try to promise myself is that look there may be not there may be days where I don't move

forward I just want to make sure I don't move any further backwards than I am so I used to always tell myself the the saying was that I got to just keep my legs moving do you know what I mean like as long as I kept my legs moving I wouldn't move backwards and that was my main at one point I was just like I can't move any further backwards like I have to make sure that this is as low as I get and as long as I keep my legs moving eventually I'll move forwards and that's basically what it was every day but you know I mean you were there you were my couch I saw the whole fucking thing evolve now where can they buy this book tonight where can they pre-order tonight if you go to amazon.com and you search josh wolf it takes balls is the name of the isn't that I told you that was gonna be

the name of the book right no worries so it takes balls is the name of the book I like it and um it's also man like look there are tons of funny um stories about there like books out there from moms or you know telling their version and this is really from a guy's point of view like I said it's there's nothing particularly nice about it there's a lot of irreverent dirty shit in there but it's what happened you know that's what happened we we we stole a lot of shit to get by but we did it and we're here we're fucking here yeah bro like I said that last week I was sitting next to the greatest you know and I couldn't believe it josh wolf you can't believe that we stuck it out here we could have left the years ago could have left

the years ago I think we talked about like yeah who was on that first comedy store lineup when we walked in and I don't know who's still around I don't know and we both know that it's sticking around and just waking up and believing and something will happen every fucking day man yeah do you remember who we thought were the kings of that comedy store when we first got there in wheels yeah um who else uh and he griffin was there a lot yeah and he griffin was there all the time you know is he date I don't see him at all anyway yeah he's in Vegas Monday through Wednesday he's got a room in Vegas I think he splits a roseanne bar or something like that where he sings and jumps up and down and stuff and then he does the improv on the weekend a lot of people in Vegas now

during the week roseanne bars in Vegas a lot of people moving to Vegas during the week and doing that thing yeah yeah why not you know at that point why not so a lot of people weren't you gonna do some Vegas you know I was gonna do some Vegas and they wanted me to stay at the Riviera and you know what I'm thinking I'm trying to look for a place now that I could go in once a month Friday and Saturday at 10 or at midnight and talk shit for an hour and get the fuck out of there at the rinse no it would be ideal for me anywhere like at anywhere in Vegas I could pick up a Friday and Saturday a midnight show I would love it once a month not with the UFC is there nothing to do with the UFC nothing like that just pick a random fucking date and be there every month the third Friday

and Saturday of the month and just go there and work out a combination stand-up type one man show I'm getting older so it's just pushing me there now the faster I get there and pay the dues the faster I get moving cooking with oil but yeah I don't know what my next move is you know I would think that that would be a perfect spot for a couple of late night shows a month I'll put a tuxedo on and soak people be like red fox tell people to suck my dick late night I love it when you used to go on stage in when first got to Seattle you were on stage in a suit well the one suit I had the one jacket that was your that was your court suit your wedding suit your funeral suit that's everything rolled up in fucking one man that's just uh now let me answer this

beside amazon any other portals we could go to any one any other places we go to or you just have it on amazon that's it I would just go Amazon and what about pre-order is there any pre-ordering going on because that pushes your numbers up if if you pre-order it it pushes the numbers up you also get a better deal if you pre-order it please go over there to amazon look up josh wolf and look at the book it takes balls uh this is not a fucking joke guy that I know the dues he paid I know what he suffered I couldn't even look at him because I was a failure next to him uh he was raising a child he was doing comedy and he did what he had to do and that was it he was like the bull before he went to prison you know he just he did what he had to do and that's how we fucking make

it happen what's going on with the family how they're doing everybody's good man come on where's fraydo at where's fraydo at fraydo's in town I saw him last night uh at the at jagas birthday party and danie's you know they're all good man and and scott wolf is still probably booking a pilot every year and gary wolf and mike wolf uh started a a company where they direct to commercials good for that look at that how about that and my oldest brother's gonna be 50 this in in the couple days adam well fuck i'm 50 already so now we do that and shit how we make that happen i don't maybe you guys go on the road together i got enough fucking headaches i love you buddy thank you for calling in my friend you're a good man thank you and have these people go it

takes balls go on amazon take a look uh i'm in there and we have a lot of great stories and history together thank you cocksucker i love you all right buddy stay buddy love you bye there you have it bitch another fungly you're falling asleep over there like a fucking multiple no that's a fellow jew you should be over here saluting the flag of fucking hanukkah i wasn't it wasn't falling asleep i was laughing you were laughing we were laughing i could just imagine you walking in china they're all like like my size and skinny and then you'll be like what six feet like towering over them that'd be hilarious we have to put this electronic cigarette out in your eyeball it wouldn't do anything it's a little electronic see dollar 56 pounds yeah almost

57 you look good you're making healthy and you're doing good things for the church what's happening now thank you very much and thank you for all you cocksuckers for listening saying oh we want a little over today but who gives a fuck it's monday go out there live your life don't worry about twitter facebook sling dick like you fucking you got it coming to you what you do you got it coming to you go out there make it happen i want to thank my sponsors on it like i said go to on it get the protein powder that t plus testosterone i have not started yet but i have friends that have gone on it and they said they've made some pretty good gains after a week and a half two weeks give it a fucking try always alpha brain i'm back on it again

and that's why i'm firing with two fucking cylinders this morning because alpha brain you snort that shit and put it in your asshole you're ready to fucking go joking just eat two of them fat man alert lee juicin the whole fucking deal i love you cocksuckers thank you very much go to joeyds.net we got the shirts we got the hoodies we got the fucking uh what else the long sleeve commemorative uh the church of what's happened now to help us with lips and and whatever the fuck we got we got the flying jewin signia look at me he's looking like a little fucking arab every day don't forget i'm in Sacramento this thursday friday saturday but i need your help in miami for the miami or the south beach comedy festival sponsored by uh comedy central with down

there with bill burr i'm performing april 19th i need that to sell out to add a second show in april 20th lee syat's gonna come down there with me and be the mc that night and bring me up and say hello to tuxedo on a jeweler tuxedo on no it's gonna be fucking bad that's what happens if we get added on the 20th so i love you guys go to the comedy central one or go to south beach comedy was on this morning on my twitter and that's it i love you motherfuckers with all my heart i want to thank josh wolf for calling in let him know again go to amazon it takes balls uh support is part of our fucking family at the church of what's happening now lee what do you gotta tell these people uh i do videos uh for my weight loss every night uh just follow me on twitter lee syat le

syat tt uh we put up a new man flavors world last night so go check that out thank you lee um yeah and then uh to set from flappers you take yeah tape yeah yeah i just put up it's uh tape and you don't get it together suckers it's very funny but um is uh is soul shine a good song by almond brother soul shine oh yeah anything by the almond brother all right but yeah that's it um and Wednesday morning we love you motherfuckers and next Wednesday live podcast lee syat and bitty curdle at the ice house get tickets now six two six five seven seven eighteen ninety four live podcast monologue i want to try it what what do we got to lose it's good to take tickets at ten dollars who gives a fuck and i don't have to work after so i'll stay late and that's right

let joy bust my balls and smoke some dope i love you guys stay black have a great day we'll see you wednesday at six a.m when you can't find the light it got you through a cloudy day when the stars ain't shining bright you feel like you've lost your way