Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #032 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: January 20, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, we talk about accusations. Again. This episode is brought to you DraftKings, Lucy.CO & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.draftkings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.lucy.co and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Joey's joint What's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Wednesday the 20th of January Election day, I hope you get to watch this early I'm putting it out at seven in the morning. So you get the watches before the drama starts or maybe nothing will happen I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen, but it's a beautiful day to be alive That's all you need to know first thing I want to start off with is this all right guys listen I just had surgery if for some reason I got to get up And go to the bathroom you got to work with me, okay, you got to work with me

Let me tell you what happened as you know, I had surgery maybe 10 days ago on the 8th today's the 19th Yeah, like 11 days ago Before the surgery I remember talking to Tom Segura and he said that they gave him so much shit During the surgeries he had that he didn't go to the bathroom for a fucking week. Oh my god damn I forgot all about that that the pills constipation what not they filled me up with so much I don't know what it's called dude some fucking drug Delotted and fucking Vicodans at the hospital they filled me up with everything good

And then I came home with the oxycontins and I swear to you guys that I have been taking them by the book I've even cut back on them. I'm doing the CBD with them the whole thing They gave me nine fucking prescriptions of pills basically when I left the hospital from vitamin C to like, you know Farm pharmacy vitamin C that good shit not the fucking shit. That's chalky to they gave me aspirin They gave me a different type of Tylenol. They gave me Some for my anxiety which make you kill yourself. I'm not taking that shit I'm not taking none of that shit. There's old law after some shit, but they gave me like These two pills that you have to take at night. So I take them at 7 30 just to stay

And they go right through your fucking system and cut right through this shit and eventually you shit so The first thing they told me when I left the hospital that sadly it was Joey don't forget these These are the most important things and you know, keep your diet light for a few days You're not going to go to you know, you're not going to be able to go to the bathroom So fucking I've been the first night I took them I mean as soon as you take them and you drink water You can feel the pills go down your throat and then like two minutes later

You just feel like Like you just feel like somebody just grabbed you inside and just just squeezed them for a second Like your whole body just goes Like the whole thing just burps like that and then you just feel it go down to your stomach and then you hear some rumblings But I didn't go to the bathroom guys Saturday Sunday Monday

or Tuesday When I first went to the bathroom Scouts honor That's right. That's right. I told him to wear a fucking A hazmat suit It took me four days. I think the first shit was four days. I think And what came out of my ass smelled so bad That I had to call Mike and tell him to wear or whatever I had like I didn't let my wife down here

I mean if you thought if you thought that bus ride in East Orange when the chilies When the mr. Barone told me that I was changing flavors If you thought that smelled bad what's come out of my little muffler since then and it just like it started with that one And then it took like another 12 hours to get another bowel movement But let me tell you something this weekend I lived on the toilet. I'm talking about every fucking hour on the hour 20 inches of unadulterated fucking shit coming out of my muffler I'm sitting there sweating bullets, you know the whole fucking thing

Plus I got to use the the fucking roller to go in there and then to get up And I got to take a poop with my legs sticking out. It's terrible. You can't even write this shit. So This has been going on since you know, like it started off slow And then the pills really took control of the asshole and what's been coming out is like I got to be weary Like I got to stay close to the house and all this shit. So Yesterday morning I wake up and I do two podcasts two short podcasts for patreon For some reason they won't let me Send a longer podcast and it's an easier podcast. It's 30 minutes. It's just a couple songs some

Me talking shit And uh, it's more intimate than than this podcast. I enjoy it to be I I enjoy this much as I enjoy this one I I enjoy any time I got to talking to a mic. I'm having a good time. I enjoy it, you know and I'm doing it yesterday morning Because I get up on tuesday morning I usually drink some coffee hang out and then I do it take a shower get ready do it And then I send it to my managers and then my manager puts it up for me

So I come in here usually just the same way I do this and I don't turn on the lights or nothing It's not visual. It's just audio. I have the little microphone. I stick it into the iphone And I got the ipad and I play music and I make my notes and I talk shit Well, I'm fucking taping a podcast and I'm actually talking about like, you know, it's been rough I'd rather go to the bathroom or blah blah blah blah in the middle of the podcast I had to go to the bathroom So I didn't know what to do. I can't stop it and restart it So this is what I did. I actually picked up the little microphone and my cell phone

Without hitting the fucking button And I took the thing and I wheeled myself into the fucking bathroom And I actually put it on the counter and I kept talking and I took a shit while I kept talking about Why this music inspires me I was talking about uh The pretenders one and two album why they you know why they inspire me so much But I couldn't tell them or you guys some of you's listened to that podcast Also, I couldn't tell you guys I was shit one person actually wrote you're a g I could hear you piss laying down. How the fucking you wouldn't think I'm gonna piss laying fucking down

I don't know. I'm standing up when I fucking piss. I actually took a shit and pissed I tried to piss as quietly as I could so the microphone wouldn't pick it up But the microphone picked up if you listen to it, you hear me piss and I didn't flush I just ran out of there and I flushed that for the podcast resolve I washed my hands We're fucking uh the deodorizer and I worked it on the towel And I threw the towel in the fucking thing to get washed already But that's what my day was like this yesterday morning. I had this and I couldn't stop the podcast

I want me to stop and start all over from scratch again. You're on a roll. You got momentum going So if for that reason if today I got to stop the podcast in any moment It's because I got to go to the bathroom All right, and we got that story out of the way because I don't want no misunderstandings here that Joey sold me a short fucking script. No, it was I got to go to the fucking bathroom And when you got to go you got to fucking go. It's funny. I got a few emails about The accusation podcast. Thank you for listening to it And it's you know, listen man, it comes to territory when you're a guy like me

And you do things You're gonna get accused of other things of that nature You know and the accusations never stop So, you know by you guys hitting me back and telling me it reminded me of other fucking things That I've been accused like I got accused of robbing a house in 94 In boulder by a girl I was tight friends with

Now at this time I wasn't robbing houses at all. I wasn't doing anything on that kind of shit robbing a fucking house I was calm as hell. I was doing comedy. Yeah, I was doing returns and shit at the k mart and stuff like that But I wasn't robbing no houses. I wasn't and nobody knew I was doing this shit. It was too embarrassing to tell people I'm trying to be a comedian and I'm still fucking shoplifting. Are you fucking retarded? So But I got a cute. I knew this girl really well. I knew her so well I got her boyfriend a fucking job like I liked her and her boyfriend so much I got her boyfriend a job back in 91. We were tight friends And she had a buddy who sold weed in a complex that was next to mine. Did I like the guy?

I liked him, but he wasn't my best friend. I didn't dislike him. It's not that I disliked him I didn't he wasn't my best friend. Let's just say that he was in acquaintance through her And she wanted me to get him the same job. I got her boyfriend So I couldn't get him that job anymore. I didn't know the people anymore. I wasn't connected to him and she kept Bugging me bugging me bugging me then he kept bugging me bugging me bugging me about the job And then one night this was right after I got separated. This was in the realm of my separation So I got separated. I'm arguing with my wife about the kid I'm arguing with my wife about life about who gets the couch

Who gets the fucking car? How we're gonna sell the condo? I got all these things going at me And in the middle of all this I get this accusation that was so far out of left field Especially in who I was at that time. I had already done time. I had already got my life together I got into comedy. I was away from all that. I wasn't robbing drug dealers nothing at this time I was doing drugs and I was having a good old time But I wasn't robbing no houses This fucking lady and she was a weed dealer and she actually called the cops And they had the whole scenario painted down like behind my house

Where I lived on iris iris street or whatever 30th and iris and boulder There was a kmart and then across from there where I lived There was like a lordezio restaurant. There was a liquor store. There was murphy's bar and grill There was the haircut in place. There was the fucking The little italian place the dude I told him I was the mafia He kept accusing me of being the mafia that I was a relocated witness So I finally told them off if you think you keep telling people i'm in the fucking mafia You're gonna get me in trouble in this fucking town. They kept telling people I was in the mafia. I'm not in the fucking mafia

I'm fucking cuban. So finally I just told the guy. All right. I'm in the mafia now that you blew my secret You're gonna pay a fucking vig. So you're gonna give me 300 a fucking week. I did shit like that I'm not gonna lie to you, but I wasn't burglarizing no houses. Trust me. I was far from it. That's embarrassing You know what I'm saying burglarizing a fucking house Dave because I went to there was a pizza place called abos I went to abos there. I don't know what time I went there like I had the baby that night or something Till like seven and then I went to get a slice and then I was going to do comedy And about a week later and it was guess who told me my ex-wife came to me and she goes

I can't believe you robbed whatever's house. I'm like, are you fucking serious? And it was gonna be a it was almost into divorce like this She kept fucking talking about and I'm like first of all, you know that girl's a weed dealer So if I robbed any of their house, they're saying I robbed weed from her. You're gonna get them in fucking trouble Oh, no, they know for a fact that you robbed him and somebody's a dog till this that was 95 It's 2021. I forget what the people's name was or whatever, but and that's what it does For a guy like me, it doesn't bother me at all that you accuse me of something I didn't do It hurts my feelings. It's completely different. It hurts my feelings. It's a couple years ago. Remember six years ago

I'm a fucking nowhere I don't know where we're doing a podcast. We're having a great time in Doug Stanhope the great Doug Stanhope Accuses me of robbing his change jar or something like that Like I was blown the fuck away. Like I'm like change jar I could see and I didn't rob his change jar and he started to me to break my balls I was very hurt by him. I wasn't angry. I was very hurt that I've known Doug since 1992 We've had 2,000 conversations and one day when he's on a podcast how to left field He says you accuse me of stealing my change jar. Whatever the fuck. I was blown the fuck away. I'm like

In 2016 whatever that was 2015 You're gonna come to me and tell me I robbed a change jar from you in 2000 something Like first of all for people don't know. I've known Doug Stanhope since 1992 We reconnected in 1995 in seattle. It was Doug Stanhope who talked me Into going into los angeles For comedy once I got to los angeles Doug stanhope and I'm gonna shame to say this gave me money out of his own pocket to live a couple times Because I opened up for him on new year's eve. He asked me what did the guy pay you for new year's eve?

I told 250 dollars for five shows Doug stanhope got pissed. He goes you are worth a lot more than 250 to me He gave me like 500 and then I saw him again one night at the thing I actually moved in with Doug stanhope in 92 when I lived with him. He was giving me cash Like he was the guy that I went to look at and said Doug I need 20 bucks for fucking gas and he gave me his car and 20 bucks to put in there for gas to use his car That's the type of guy Doug stanhope is when you got a friend like that, you don't rob those people There's no reason to rob them

Doug gave me the shirt off that back at that time Doug stanhope Was supporting like eight people and I was one of them I mean, he wasn't really really really supported me. He was letting me stay on his house for free for free And he was giving me 20s from time to time I mean, I only stayed with Doug for like two months or something like that But he was my friend and even after I left dugs. I still kept going over there Ralphie may live there for a while. I was there the the mother came and lived with them I was always at Doug stanhope's house. You want me to tell you something man? I was thinking about this the other day

LA changed when Doug stanhope left At least it did for me. See Doug stanhope had everybody in check in LA That little fucking skinny dude that you see like that all fucking crazy He had fucking people scared Especially the half of fags that hang out at the improv and shit like that because he would go into the improv And lay a beaten on those motherfuckers on stage So they would try to get him banned because they didn't want to follow him. This is when comedy was very Buck wild, but it wasn't ready for the likes of Doug stanhope

Doug stanhope took LA by fucking storm. I still remember mitsy sure Didn't even know what to do with Doug stanhope That's how good he was Mitsy sure. I remember one saturday night The first week I was in town Doug stanhope had an 8 30 spot at the comedy store 8 45 Mitsy didn't know he was a powerhouse. She hadn't seen him enough She passed him and then like kind of forgot about him. Like he was never there. He's a road dog He was never there only when he was in town. But when Doug stanhope was in LA

Everybody was kept in check I'm talking everybody because if you fucked up stanhope's wrath came down on you And that's a wrath at that time that was worse than fucking that I mean, I remember him going to the improv and he had those white boys fucking dying The people the comics that I'm at the improv in those days and the comics that I'm at the comedy store Were two different fucking sets everybody looked down at the comedy store The comedy store was like a den of thieves for fucking for drug people and shit like that I still remember Josh wolf telling me that his management told him don't go to the comedy store dog

That's got a bad rep in the early 2000s. The comedy store was fucking rough and tumble And the comics from there would branch out to other places some of them And they would cause a fucking chaos and nobody was causing walking Nobody caused more chaos in LA from the time I got there to I don't know when Doug left LA I know he still has an apartment in LA. I don't think he lives there anymore No, he doesn't he lives down in fucking Arizona down there with the rest of those lunatics But once he left It was when people started acting the way they did when Doug stanhope was in town

That shit wasn't going on in those clubs because Doug stanhope had Everybody in fucking check. It was Hysterical the shit they were doing to people the comics. He was blown comics He would rock so hard at the fucking improv That three comics behind them couldn't follow never mind the guy behind them was worried three guys behind them He was getting banned every other week from the improv for saying shit I remember they did a benefit for a burn victim one night Some poor burn guy and they put him in the front row with like a skipper's hat on and he had like

That stuff that they put on you when you just got caught in a fire like gauze And Doug stanhope went up there with a couple beers in him and nobody was laughing at his jokes Like people just left but Doug stanhope was like what the fuck is real problem? Even this guy this fucking burnt guy is over here fucking laughing He said something to that effect and he got banned for like a month I mean and the comics will get pissed like comics, you know We'll go like I can't believe he I could it's a fucking joke It's a fucking he was joking around. That's what the improv is

It's a fucking comedy club and he was going down there and just lighting them up And then when they wouldn't take them the more he would come to the comedy store going back to that story I'll never forget my first sad day at that comedy store with that motherfucker. He had like an 845 spot I was good friends with the girl that had a follow him. I forget what her name was Right now she I mean she wasn't at the store at the end. She hasn't been at the store and maybe I've been off coke 13 years right 2007 13 years. Yeah, because Marilyn died And I got off coke

And she was good friends of Marilyn and I forget what her name was sweetheart of a girl Funny but not Funny enough to handle Doug fucking stanhope Like I'll never forget that that I didn't even know her and I looked at I go Who's following you Doug and he goes that girl that I go. Oh, this is not going to be good Doug stanhope went up there and proceeded to destroy that room And I'll never forget there was a lesbian

Sitting in the front row Like a heavy-duty chubby lesbian with the haircut the sideburns the whole fucking thing And Doug stanhope popped his head up and he goes what the fuck is this? Look at this fucking lesbo. This is a real lesbo. This ain't one of you la lesbos that you know Do it part-time or whatever this one here. She plays softball. She's got a cock pump She's I mean he just fucking drilled into an almond was him getting off and about 20 minutes later like he left he had another spot and I saw that chubby little lesbian with another With her chubby girlfriend and she was crying on a fucking shoulder and stanhope said nothing to her bad

Stanhope just I mean the girl walked in there with the shirts rolled up and the the cigarettes in the fucking sleeve I mean if you want to play with the big boys if you're a woman and you roll Your fucking cigarettes up in your sleeve when somebody, you know, you don't get mad when somebody says something to you Especially if you're a lesbo Stanhope and he didn't go off on I would like how an asshole go off He went off on her and a brilliant. You know how he fucking goes on his rants They're brilliant rants, but all I remember catching from it was the line of the night that he goes This is a real fucking lesbian. She's got a fucking cock pump. She plays double headers on saturday

She doesn't shave a snatch. I mean he was just fucking going off and fucking she got I mean You know like everybody in LA hits in 20 minutes later while everybody's laughing and having a good time She was great then 20 minutes later when stanhope left she was outside complaining I've never been insulted like that before in my life. Well, you got fucking sideburns and you're a woman Somebody's eventually gonna fucking say something to you. You know I'm saying I mean, I don't know what I don't know where I come up with this shit from it just happens and You got to look at it and go what the fuck kind of life of you live This is comedy people your feelings can't be heard every time somebody says something off fucking color

Now we're back to this shit now people getting mad at whatever listen. I've lost some followers over the weeks I I think people quit twitter because trump quit twitter So people going off the fucking twitter and people going off of facebook because they're saying private look I don't know. I don't know what the fuck's going on. All I do know is we're getting a new president today Do you want to know why what I feel? Dick I don't feel dick about dick. I don't care if we got a new one. I don't care if the old one stays I don't care if they bring back kennedy do what you want to do I still got to get up every day and poor mike still got to wear a fucking mask bring back kennedy dig him up

Dig him up with half his fucking head. I don't give a fuck. It's just you still got to get up every morning You still got to live your life. You you love ones are dying You're out of fucking work and now I got to worry about who's fucking president I just hope they do the right thing. Whoever the fuck it is biden camila. I don't know conspiracy theories The fucking people going to get shot today. They just busted some guy last night that was going to shoot a missile At fucking new york. Did you see that shit? I mean who the fuck knows? So if this is the last time you see each other, whatever Whatever fucking kabib says kamala man, whatever the fuck he says god be it

I don't know. I came to you earlier this morning to let you know. I love you and we had a great time together I don't know what's gonna happen after today. You're thinking of take down the internet. They're gonna bomb us We're gonna bomb them. I don't know but my heart goes out to his cocksuckers. Whatever you decide to do Anyway, what else is going on in my fucking world? I got a thousand things if it ain't one thing It's the fucking other now. I'm getting accused of I get accused Of something every week and I'm starting to love it now I'm starting to love it now. This is started this little fucking tape that day. I'm gonna tell you

started two Fucking years ago Two years ago. I went to play a club with Kate Quigley and fucking my man Dean del Rizzi

We went to play a fucking club As I do when I work with people, you know, when we work together we flying I think we flew in Thursday night together We hung out late In one of the rooms we ordered room service. We ate everybody goes back to their room And then the next morning we woke up You know, we had breakfast on our own and then I usually meet Whoever I take with me on the road and we do whatever the fuck we're gonna do

So I fucking uh I get to the hotel Me Dean and Kate hang out whatever we go to bed. We wake up Friday morning We got that night Friday night and I think we got Boston on Saturday night I'm telling you guys the story right now And Before I was leading, you know before I come to a town people will hit me up And go, hey, I'm excited

I've got two tickets. I can't wait to see you. We're gonna be able to take a picture You know people always this is a week before I come to your town I start getting little Twitter messages Facebook messages, whatever People will ask me and I get me and they can't yeah, I'm copy in You know, also, thank you. You know, I always answer back I'm not a big comedy star So I always try to answer back as much as I can

So I answered whoever sent me this thing and I said, yeah, great man. I'll see you at the fucking show Okay. Now, I don't know about people's personal lives. I don't know what you do before you come to the show Whether you rob the bank. I don't know. I don't know if you came from a dealer's house I don't know if you rape someone. I don't know. I don't know. I don't ask you at the fucking door Okay, I don't know I don't know what reasons you're there for I don't know what you expect from me I don't know. All I'm going to do is do a show I'm going to do a show when I go on the road. I have no expectations of anything

I bring my own weed I bring my own edibles And I try to keep it as contained as I can What do you mean by contained? I try to roll, you know, I was doing two podcasts a week plus an extra one, whatever I was raising a kid. I was working out. I was helping my wife and then on the weekend I would go on the road. So for me going on the road between us is like a fucking vacation Like to go on the road for three days between us It's like a vacation for me. What does that mean to be strictly honest with you? I'll tell you

When I went on the road early on It was miserable. I went on the road by myself when I started comedy to 90 I started 91. I can't believe I'm gonna be involved with comedy 30 years this year February is to be 30 years that I'm involved with comedy Because I actually got a job at a comedy club as a doorman And watched

So I've been involved with comedy for 30 fucking years So 95 when I started doing triple runs and stuff I was what you know, I was an old guy. I was already 32 Yeah, 32 95 but Like I was young still I was a young comic at 32. What did that mean? I went out to fucking be a comic I went out to party to do drugs and to have sex That's it. What do you become a comic for when you're singing when you're 32 to fucking bring a bible and reading your hotel room?

No, you go on the road to fucking get high And I just I didn't I didn't start comedy at that time. I was just a road comic I didn't want to go to hollywood. I didn't want to do movies. I wasn't good enough You know what I am like? I was in prison I'm gonna be lucky if they do a background check to let me in the club never mind tv and commercials and shit like that Podcast, I just want to be a fucking comic. Okay, so when I first started going on the road I Was a feature act and which means you're a fucking understudy

Which means you're a sack of shit. So you go out You get you know, 250 dollars for five shows on new year's weekend. Okay And that's the type of money you make some places will pay you 75 a show So my expectations will up. I would go out go to the hotel room Yeah, you got to eat the free food at the bar Because you don't have money to go to a restaurant. So you eat whatever they give you at the bar onion rings That's why I got up to four and 18 fucking pounds because you're eating all this fried fucking shit, but but my first

to 2002 I went on the road by myself and some rooms then when I moved to LA And I became a regular at the store. I saw the headlining some rooms So I would go out to some rooms as a feature and I would do C rooms and D rooms as a headline You know, it was every man for myself You want to hear stories? I got a thousand stories a triple runs, you know, fucking uh Idaho Falls

You know, american falls that the air force base up there in Idaho, you know, when you do triple runs, they're from Probably I don't know in those days There was another company that booked milwaukee, but whatever's opposite to the west of milwaukee to wisconsin And in is all tribleville and then going down, which is montana, wyoming colorado new mexico

northern california He had a partner that booked northern california all of oregon was tribbles And a lot of stuff in washington Yakima Uh It doesn't matter to coma a lot of stuff was triple runs those rooms are a motel six you go on the road you eat You know, sometimes you get laid sometimes you don't sleep with a waitress, whatever But then I moved to LA and I went out as a headline about myself at first. I was eating shit

I had a bag of shit and jacksonville. I had a bag of shit on all the creative runs I remember dying such a slow death in charlotte. They wouldn't even take my calls no more. I was so fucking bad This is going back to 98 99 But then I got a new treat in life A friend of mine by the name of joe rogan started taking me on the road and that was a great experience Because with joe was just great. It was me chris maguire and joe at first. I was the emcee and then

um You know chris wasn't a regular at the store chris is more of a writer chris is a great guy. He just hit me up two days ago to check up on me in the knee still talk to him since 98 chris went on to write and then joe took me on the road I was always having problems like drug problems and stuff. So that's why joe started bringing ari also And dunking and it was just a fucking party I mean joe rogan is such a great guy and he was so fucking generous with us

Did he need three openness? No, but he still took us and he watched me and he schooled me and I'll tell you what man I loved joe's way Sorry, I was looking over that. I thought I seen on spider I didn't want some while you see a little fucking spider downstairs I like the way joe treated me the reason I treat feature acts or people who work for me The way I do is because the way joe rogan treated me

When I work for him whenever you have a chance if you'd like Hit lia and go was joey a fucking gentleman with you I took lii to comedy shows at the ice house I didn't take lii on the road because I had other comics that Worked and were feature acts and had to go on the road But anything lii did with me lii got a dollar lii got money and mic is the same way lii mic I give weed whatever I get you I'm in one of those guys in for a penny in for a pound That's the school or thought I come from and you could go out to reach out to dean del Rey

Reach out to felicia who I spoke to today Yesterday it was a great conversation. I realized how much I loved her You know, you could reach out to anybody who's opened for me. I take care of them I take care of them because rogan took care of me weed whatever edibles melonga pills Whatever, I mean me and Ari have stories and dunking about fucking being in houston, texas and there was this guy Who still comes to my shows today 20 years later who used to bring us jars of vicarins and shit

And we didn't know what to do with them. Like we're like, what do we do with these? We would give them away at the club to all the comics and shit like that But that's how long when I went on a road with joe rogan I learned how to Like he taught me how to economize how to make make the best out of my road Work like how to do it the most efficient way, you know, you're flying the night before You go to like Joe rogan's the fucking out Joe rogan would take us like me That's the cost of the area at the hotel. What's the best restaurant in town?

This one let's go We go to the best restaurant in town get what you want on the fucking menu. I think he's my brother Why do I love him so much what I think I laugh at you guys? I laugh at the people who make remarks about him Because he helped so many fucking comics. He helped groom So many comics and I was one of them. He helped groom me. He was I was like his fucking frankenstein He helped groom me. He would tell me go up there. Say that fucking joke Fuck it commit do it. He would like other fucking I could name 10 comics that have told me not to say that joke in front of me

You're too crazy. You're unrivaled. He fucking loved it He fucking loved it and the crazier I was the more he loved it. You know, who's the same way about me gave regulations The crazy you remember that comedy central show he had that he put me on he paid for the show to put me on He went the war with county central. He's like put on a suit and come out fucking throw and eat I love those motherfuckers because of that because they had my back So because those guys treated me the way they did this is the way I treat my fucking features So I go all out with these motherfuckers. So anyway back to the fucking story. So me kate and

Dean go eat And on the way back It's a casino. We asked the security guy Where's where we go smoke The guy asked us he goes you guys aren't smoking in the room. Why you were like, no, it goes if you want to go smoke I got a spot for you So Yeah, the security guy. This is great. So

Me dean Dean doesn't smoke weed and near this kate But that kind enough to come with me and we go outside to the smoking balcony And we smoked this joint now one of the people Who told me they were coming to the show That they bought tickets and the whole thing I'm not gonna mention no names on here, but that person came up to me and said hi

I'm coming to your show. I'm excited. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba She smoked the weed on us. She goes did you guys just smoke? We go. Yeah, we're so sorry But we might smoke later on. I think kate even stayed with her And hung out with her kate went somewhere with her. Well, they went to the bar for a drink The show ends I don't see I go back up to my room, you know Like I said, when I go on the road is to fucking relax guys. I couldn't I could I could name you

In the last since what have we been doing this since 2013 to 2020 to february 29th of 2020 my last road week I could name The 10 people who have been in my whole town room And 10 people whose hotel room I've been in like Dean always comes in my hotel room, you know Kate Quigley always comes to my hotel room if I'm if I'm in Vegas like if I do Vegas and I bring them with me I get such a big room That I order food and they give me a food allotment. I order food and I tell them to come over

I'll call them and go. What do you want from the menu? Look, I order and we all eat together in my room on this particular day We went to one of the restaurants in the casino We went downstairs people were coming up to us But this particular person came up to us and said how you guys doing, you know, blah blah blah Oh, it's a shame that you guys smoked already I wanted to smoke with you I go listen, we might come back and smoke later on and we'll give you a fucking call

Or we'll let you know. Are you staying in the hotel room? Yeah, whatever now between you and me guys um When you have a secret spot at a casino, you don't really want to smoke with 20 people Because then it's not a secret no more now they both they blow up your fucking spot So I didn't we didn't come down again. I think I popped edibles I went out there and I did my time we all did our time and then what do you do at a casino? I go outside and I took pictures and shake hand with people

I go back to my room and the next morning we're headed to Boston And on the drive to Boston Kate goes did we see that girl? At the show I go no She didn't fucking take a picture with us all that fucking all those emails and shit and no, you know, she didn't take a picture with us I don't know what the fuck happened We go to Boston, you know, I don't have facebook on the road So I go to Boston. I do the two shows in Boston. We get up Sunday morning. We got on jet blue and we head back to LA

Never thought about it again. I get into my fucking house I go on facebook and I got a message from the girl telling me that she passed out That she passed out She got drunk and she can't fucking believe it. She's angry at herself For not coming to the show. She want to kick herself in the ass. I said listen. I'm sorry. It happened also I go next time I do Boston or something like that. I'll just throw you a ticket or whatever The last last time I did Boston. I offered a ticket and she couldn't go so

I didn't think not nothing Nothing, you know how it goes. You live your life boom I think about four months later I got an email that from some guy that fucking His girlfriend came to my show that she left him At his house and she went to the show That means she came to the show and she wanted to fuck one of us or she he's accused us or whatever He doesn't know if it's me or dean and i'm fucking laughing my ass off. I'm like

This is the shit that it doesn't piss me off But it just goes to whatever. I didn't think nothing of it. I didn't even answer I got this email. I didn't even know what are we talking about They said their girlfriend came to the show and then take a boyfriend with him So if what would you do mike if your girlfriend went to a show without you Do you go back and go what the fuck happened? We were supposed to go to a show together? I don't know. I don't know what type of people do this. I don't know what's going on So all I know is what's that wouldn't email the comic. No, I don't fucking know. I don't know nothing

I I get back. I said, okay, so she got drunk and she couldn't make it to the show I didn't know nothing. I got an email from the girl's boyfriend that he left it there That fucking that means she was up to no good. This girl's a good girl from what I see on facebook She's a mom for christ sake, but I also thought about A roommate not a roommate. I had a friend that I lived with and he let a friend of his stay on the couch for a few months After his divorce and I remember that he you know, I would try to be like an ear to this guy And I would ask him why did you you know, why did your wife throw you out or whatever?

And you know the the first two weeks. It was always the same story. We didn't get along. She's a fucking cunt You know whatever and I took it, you know, I'd just gotten separated. So I just you know, we were just an ear for each other The guy had a weird name his name was Mudge So that's what we called him a street name was Mudge fudge. I don't know He tells me after two weeks. He goes, you know what the real problem was And I go, what was the problem? He goes Back in high school. She fucked a friend of mine I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, so you've been with this chick since high school. He goes, no

We went to high school together We graduated she went to a college I went to a college and then when we came back we went to work at a summer program And we both met at the summer program and we you know, we had the same friends and blah, blah, blah, blah And then we got married. Everything was fine. I think one night she told them like after they were married so this happened and When I stayed with my friend Manny It had to be 94 93 and I was 31 years old. This guy was a few years older than me

And I'm like, what? And he goes this whole fucking thing started because she slept with a friend of mine in high school I go, were you with her? And he goes, no, I wasn't with her but it doesn't fucking matter. She's a fucking whole and I'm like, you got kids with her You got kids with her and you're fucking ringing up somebody she slept with Like her junior year in high school that she didn't know you but there's guys that are out there like that That they'll love to fucking pick fights with women over something they did before you were fucking around Listen, go upstairs to my wife right now and tell her something I did before we met

She'll go go fuck yourself like the time when the when the blowjob from 97 She goes, I got no claim in that fucking blowjob. That's what a real person does You can't control what your girlfriend did before she met you or what your boyfriend did You accept them for who they are today and you live with it If you don't like it, then don't date them no more If you got a problem with them sleeping somebody that in 1980 fucking seven and it bothers you still today I think you got a fucking problem. So That's all he said to me because I I think you slept with my girlfriend somebody slept with uh, she wouldn't have left

Without me. I know uh, blah blah blah blah. Okay What do you want me to do? Nobody slept with her like I said, I don't I didn't see her after that So what the fuck do you want from me now? So every month I'm getting hit from this guy Hey, man, you ruined the relay. What the fuck are you talking about? So Yesterday morning I wake up. Did you see that somebody posted my address? No, like a fake address on twitter. Yeah, I'm twitter Like on twitter or on instagram or whatever they post like a face thing and they're gonna come beat me up Because I slept with that girlfriend and all this shit. I haven't slept with nobody

Who the fuck wants to sleep with me? Who the fuck wants to sleep with me? Do you know what I'm saying? This girl I got this girl by 20 fucking years She she wouldn't look at my dick. She's a fan of the fucking podcast and she's a fan of reefer That's just she's a fan of she's not a fan of fucking joey d. She doesn't give a fuck She wouldn't nobody came to those shows To fucking sleep with me unless you're fucking crazy Unless you're fucking crazy. I'm from an old fucking man But till this day

Oh, yeah, she you know on facebook we talked from time to time. She never brought it up But yesterday morning she was calling me fucking on facebook. You know, what's that thing when they message your shit? I didn't hear it. I don't hear it. I don't know what the fuck people think that you're you supposed to hear a phone ring I'm messaging sometimes you hear the setting right and what are you here? Okay, it's my mind just isn't on sometimes It just sounds like a phone ring and it's like a messenger phone call. Oh, I never get I don't hear nothing But this is what I'm talking about. I mean so, you know in my world

Accusations have been flying since day fucking one But this one is just so fucking far-fetched and for it to still be going on two years fucking later Either you should have dumped her by now if you didn't trust her because that's what this is basically about that you don't fucking trust her So it didn't just dump her but you're gonna come after me You're gonna say things to dean. You're gonna say things to cab me. What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with people and that's what's been eaten. That's what eats at me what listen You know how many times people have hit me up already? Since I've been doing the podcast and said to me you motherfucker. I knew who robbed me in 83 I'm happy you admitted on the fucking podcast. I was going crazy. You know how many of those I've gotten 20 and we're all cool It happened fucking there's a chick's house. I robbed December 18th 1983. Guess what?

I still talked to her on the phone She found out through a podcast that I robbed her and she fucking hunted me down Called me and she's like you fucking robbed me you son of a bitch. Guess what? I was gonna call it two years. Oh, I was talking to it two years ago by going up to aspen and visiting her She had me a condo for me and my wife and the kid. That's that's how cool I am with people now They just want to know the truth. That's it. I'll tell you the fucking truth You want a little truth? I'll tell you the fucking truth. I didn't sleep with nobody Nobody nobody. All right, dog. If you look at my dick and balls, let me tell you what what happened

Okay, let me tell you how bad things are when you're 58 years old So I gotta I can't you know when I got home from the hospital. They told me I couldn't fucking I couldn't take a shower because of the stitches That's great. You know that lasted fucking a day and a half. Okay One whiff of my nutsack and what happened was my wife was wrapping my leg with the thing She was actually what me and my wife do is Basically, I get up. I come down here. I put the sink on the first day and you know, I get like a hot towel I kept the shower running. I had to hold on to a fucking stool

And I would wipe my armpits there my balls and then she would wipe my back and stuff I don't want my wife rubbing wiping my asshole on my dick But the one night she was rubbing my leg She was putting something on my leg and she had to be like eight inches from my nutsack Maybe a foot and she actually said something to me. She's like, hey man, I love you to death. We've been together for 20 years But you gotta do something about those balls. I could smell them from here. I go done So now we wrap my fucking you think I'm fucking kidding you We wrap my leg like with a saran wrap and I take the fucking stroller into the shower

And I just sit there. I wet myself up Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop and I take a shot. I'm not there is no Fucking way. I'm doing little fucking You know hot water baths whatever and you know, like I got home on saturday And I took like a good hot water bath after the hospital. She wiped me down and then saturday night We did another one because you know me. I like to be clean. I'm a fat dude. I got weird odors coming out of me So that's saturday night. I did the same wash again Switched underwears, you know, me dog. I'm by the book. I got 3 000 pay underwears. Me and these upstairs

They kept sending me underwear all those years So I if I put if I put a pay underwear in fart, I changed fucking underwear. That's how fucking Solid I am. So I took the fucking underwear You know, I took them off and she told me she's like dog I don't know what's in that area there and I stopped taking these pills See, I was taking this this gnc testosterone package healthy men's testosterone. Oh Oh Let me explain something to you

The smell of your piss When I take alpha brain and shuntac and shuntac and sport and shit nothing stinks like that Gnc has one pill in there in there fucking Men's testosterone that makes your piss Smell so bad. I'll tell you how bad it makes your piss smell and you know again We got no fucking secrets between us There are times I am sitting watching tv and I could actually smell my piss

That I just pissed When I did the Sopranos I had to pull the wardrobe lady aside and go look Don't smell those pants. Whatever you do Dry clean those motherfuckers because Every time I pissed I had a piss in a hurry because there was only one bathroom for kovat And every time I put you ever put your dick back in your pants and there's a little leakage and you're like god damn it That's what was going on that day I was pissing so much that I was rushing it and I was putting my dick back in my underwear

And then my underwear would smell like a fucking goat So I said fuck it. I had to tell her After the first night of shooting I go do me a favor Send those right to the fucking dry cleaners Because they fucking stink so fucking bad She was like, okay I was so embarrassed like I had to pull her aside because I didn't want uh To get the whip them to be folding the pants and to go what the fuck

So thank god I ever since I stopped lifting weights last thursday The seventh I stopped taking those testosterone pills. There's not testosterone Like a booster or whatever. I don't even know if it works or not Somebody gave me a sample and it felt good So I stopped taking those So if without them I could see with those pills my dick and my bulk combinations stinking up a storm But without those fucking things

For your balls to still stink that's fucking embarrassing in my world So we'll fucking shake hands and part friends I went and took a shower and I've been taking two showers a day ever since this fucking surgery I just wrapped my leg up with fucking saran wrap brother And boom I go in there. So my wife Is telling me to my face that my balls stink How do you think I feel in my head like I hit my head? I've known for eight years Since I've had mercies since I was like 49. I'm like

I can't show this dick to nobody no more this ugliest thing In the world the morning of my surgery when they put the intravenous in me I was so fucking scared that day. I had shrinkage issues and the fucking In the emergency room my dick went all the way in When I tell you that my dick shrunk to an inch for four days after the surgery I'm not fucking lying to you. I don't know what the fuck it is about surgery But my dick helmet went all the way in I still remember before the surgery I had a piss I told you motherfuckers the dude tiger. I got a piss. He goes. I don't worry about it

We'll put a tube in your dick if you have to piss during the surgery and then we'll pull it out I go. No, you will not do that shit. No, you will not. I will piss right here They had to bring that the catheter whatever the fuck that thing is and I remember a girl holding and she's like I got it I couldn't even grab my dick to piss in that piss Which is sprinkling everywhere like like a fucking broken fucking sprinkler head It just kept fucking going around and around in circles So I was like Jesus fucking christ. This is the most embarrassing thing They even told me at the hospital like Friday night. I think it's time to change your robe

Because I had a piss in the bed So I kept pissing the thing and a little bits of piss would go out I didn't that room smelled like fucking debt. So these are all the reasons Why I wouldn't even consider like we fuck around. I'll show you my balls on the internet if you like I've showed you my balls before You know that the guys the boys love to see the balls Those comedy motherfuckers they love when I take my balls out at the comedy store They loved it for years. I did it. It was a goof

But to show them to a fucking girl at my age Ever since I was 50 that's been the last thought on my mind guys And listen Everybody loves a good blowjob or a good piece of ass For me, it's been a complete different opposite of that because What do I tell my little daughter? What do I tell my daughter? That why I can't be a father no more because I cheated on her

I'm gonna lose all this because of my fucking daughter. So it's never even been on my fucking curriculum It's never been on my fucking curriculum You know, look at the friends I have the women that are in my life. They're fucking beautiful Kate Quigley, you wouldn't try something with Kate Quigley. Really? Oh, you're that much of a christian? I've never tried no, okay christian one time fucking around when I told me this To show me those skinny fucking tits or whatever But no, she's my fucking best friend my sister Felicia Michaels Beautiful piece of ass wasn't playboy

Asuka Ask if I ever come on to Felicia Michael. There's no need to she would look at me and go enjoy. I would never I mean Felicia says the funniest fucking things you've ever heard in your life when I'm along with her We went I took it to this comedy show one night And we bumped into a well-known musician that will leave unknown. I mean, he's one of the biggest musicians of all time He was at a fucking comedy show and we're walking out me and her And a friend of mine says hey, have you ever met this guy and I go? No, I'm like, hey man. Very nice to meet you. I'll just give you a hint. He's got a radio show

I shake his hand. I go very nice to meet you. You know, it's a pleasure. I love your band This is my friend Felicia Michaels because Felicia came with me Felicia shook his hand. We turned away What right most people would go. I can't believe that's fucking blah blah blah You know what Felicia said to me She goes, I think he needs some hair conditioner. His hair is a bit on the dry side I go, is that what the fuck you just noticed when you meet one of the biggest musicians in the fucking world That his hair needs conditioning that he's dry, you know, they're fucking 80

So they got to keep dying their hair jet black. So eventually your head gets fucking, you know, fucking it just sizzled it But that's that's her world. Ask her. I remember one. I remember Felicia Michaels had to take a picture I went to a house one morning. I was laying there and I go, you know what? I need a fucking album cover for my cd I need an album cover. What the fuck did I take a picture of my balls for? There's the Documentary where I got my boss. Yeah, I'll never forget. I was laying there and I'm like, where what kind of cover Can I possibly put on this fucking documentary?

I'm bending my knee 90 degree guys already 11 days and I'm fucking in I keep working to I don't give a fuck But oh look at that. How's that for you motherfucker? Did you see that doing my own therapy? By the way, I start therapy tomorrow What am I considered an outpatient now because the inpatient people don't come over here no more I'm an outpatient now. So back to this Felicia story. I fucking get up one morning. I'm like, what kind of album cover am I gonna put on this? I go, it's quit where I got my balls from I gotta have my balls in there somewhere or picture balls or something So I said, let's call out. Let's do this the right way

Fuck it. I'll uh, I'll take a picture of my balls. Now. I gotta find somebody to take a picture of your balls Who can I fucking possibly ask to take a picture of your balls? If you go to a guy, you might punch in the fucking face And if you go to a woman, they might charge you with he tried to show me his fucking balls That's what I need in my life right now, but me and Felicia were cooler than that So I just called her up and go Felicia. Do you have five minutes? I wanted to talk to you face to face You know, I don't you don't want to ask somebody to take a picture of your balls on the phone Because by the time you get to the cops will be there waiting for you

You want to ask them to their face? So if they do decide to call the cops you got time to run, you know, even though she was my best friend at the time I'm a little worried about this question. So I call her up. I go Felicia Do you mind if I come over and ask you a Personal question. He's like come over. Nobody's here. I go over there. I roll up a joint. I go, can I talk to you about something? I go Felicia. I have this documentary. I go, it's called where I got my balls from Do you mind taking a picture of my ball sack dog? She just froze and she looked at me like Then she goes I'd love to

And I go, all right, get the camera and she got the camera. I took my dick. I held it. She did not see my dick I did not show my dick. I held it up here like a fucking gun and I just kept my legs open And she came right in and zoomed in with him and she came as close as could be And took a picture of him. She put the camera down. She looked me in the face and she goes Those are sand balls That was it right there. She showed me she took like eight pictures She showed him to me and she goes they were kind of scary That was as close up as I could get with I'm getting scared of them

She goes that big vein in the middle of them. That's the scariest vein I've seen on nutsacks and I've seen nutsacks before They're my fucking best friends You know what I'm saying? If I'm not gonna come on to them, why would I come on to some fucking check that was coming? Come see me. So the point of this fucking story is again, they're with the fucking accusations That I slept with some of these fucking girlfriend. I mean it never fucking stops a couple weeks ago What about the dude before I left california? There was a room I cheated on my wife I said told my wife something about some fucking lady It's just it never fucking ends. So don't believe everything you hear so far in the last 10 years

I have been podcasting I tell you what's on my mind and I'll tell you as embarrassing as it is I've told some very embarrassing stories about my life on this podcast and the things I've done and things. I'm not fucking proud of But I told them anyway. I told them anyway. I don't give a fuck You're my therapist guys. That's what you guys don't understand When you come to do a podcast If you're not talking to your audience or your family And you're being as honest as you can as you would be with a psychologist Or your therapist or whatever the fuck don't why are you doing this if I'm gonna come here and tell you a half story

I'm not gonna waste your time. I'm gonna tell you the whole story. So you know the truth I want you to know the fucking truth. I don't give a fuck about what I did Yeah, I robbed this guy robbed that guy did drugs. I did this you can't take that away It's already done. You have to judge me by what I'm doing today and how I'm living my life today Do you understand me? That's how you fucking judge me. I'm how I'm living my life today Whatever happened 97 or 98 even for you guys. I have no control over that as far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen You're a different fucking person. I don't give a fuck Am I gonna be nice, you know, if you rape somebody I'm not gonna be fucking nice to you

But if you did a common fucking mistake And I see that you're a gentleman today. You got my fucking love and respect. That's how I work it I don't give a fuck about people's past at all As long as you're a decent person today, you took care of those fucking things And you know what the last I checked I took care of those fucking things The last good thing I fucking did was I called somebody That lent me money I swear to god, this guy lent me money

24 years ago He never asked for it back He never asked for it back I always kept in touch with him. I was always very grateful to him He got into a spot in like 2007 and he goes, hey man, I need to collect that money Do you mind that I go brother? I don't have it And he goes, I don't understand how you can't have it. You've been doing comedy for so long now

You did the longest shot. I got did the longest shot in 2004 Whatever money I had from the longest shot. I paid debts often of 10 previous fucking years I didn't have your number. I didn't know how to get a hold of you. We had lost contact I'm very fucking sorry. He said I can't believe I'm coming to fucking la and you're not gonna have my money I'm gonna need this. I go, what could listen if there's anything else I could do for you I'll do it for you if you want me to start sending you payments. He goes no I mean this was after he lent me the money in 95 This is 2007 or 2008. I hadn't heard from the guy. I knew he was in dire needs

so he called me and Like I called him back like two weeks later to say, listen, what if I give you 500 And I'll make payments and he didn't answer the phone. He never returned my fucking number Called and I called him like a month or two later And he had changed his number and I don't know what the fuck happened to him I started making money and I put away that money that he gave me Because I was gonna give it to him as an investment He bought me a car. He gave me money for clothes. I think he lent me like 1500 fucking bucks

You're not gonna believe this story He lent me 1500 fucking bucks To get my life started Mike Kessler my uncle Mike the one that was on the podcast all fucked up He calls up from time to time. He sold me the car. He got me the Nissan It was the car. It took on the road for years. I wasn't dead at that guy If you know anything about me guys, if you do anything for me, I'm indebted to you Never mind fucking start my career. This guy jump started my fucking career

Triple called me on like a fucking Thursday to go out on the road For six weeks. I didn't have no fucking car was I take a rental And he was the one that said why don't you find a little cheap car? I'll lend you the money to you get on your feet I fucking bought the car Anyway to make a long story short 2007 2008 he calls me. He's very upset with me. I was very upset with him I didn't know how to get a hold of him 2010 I started making a little bit more money, you know, just and I put away some money and I tried to call him I called a bunch and every time I went to fucking Denver

Every time I went to Wendy Curtis's the comedy works I would call my friends in bold and say anybody know how to get a hold of this guy anybody see him Anybody do anything? Nobody do nothing. So for the last three fucking years. I've been sitting there going how the fuck do I pay my Payment out to this guy. Okay about two months ago again Facebook messenger is like

The thing I do when I'm the most bored Because it's the last line of defense Once I've answered the twitter medicine messages once I've answered the facemen messages my hotmail messages That's the last line of defense. I'll go on messenger and find 200 fucking messages That I haven't read and I'll go through them if they're like if it's somebody wishing me a happy birthday You know It was a fucking year ago. What am I gonna do? Thank you now

I'm already in grateful in that fucking eyes But if it's somebody who's like a friend of mine that's trying to get a hold of me I saw this name It kind of rang a bell And I opened up the email and it's like hey, how you doing? I worked at your colorado sports advisors What's going on? Do you still talk to somebody old guys? He goes, I know they love to hear from you and he just put the names out in their phone numbers and he put

That kid's number that I owe money to Fucking I was so happy I called them up and this is just before this is right after I got here He fucking hit me up on facebook. I called I got the number I called it was a long ring They're not going to pick up my call because they see the area code 323 nobody knows where it's coming from and then you see the name hose ideas And you're like i'm not fucking nobody puts it together right away. So I left a message. Hey man

This is joey dears. You called me a couple years ago. You know, I didn't have the money for you. I got your money today I didn't hear from him for like two days. He called back. He's like, is this really you? I go, it's really me man. He goes, do you really have the money? I go, I really have your money. He goes You don't understand how bad I need that money right now He gave me 1500 You don't want to know what I gave him as an investment back I mean, there was a 20 fucking year investment I had to make good on it

I sent them the dough Now we're friends, you know when I went down to uh Every time I go down on uncle venny's on wednesdays, I use a different friend of mine to give me a ride I use either cops That are still working You know, and I try to throw him a couple yardsticks Or friends of mine that are felons And they can't work, but they carry a gun and they're still fucking nuts

You know, I always try to pick somebody every wednesday that could use the money really bad, you know, or He's a dear friend of mine and I have like four x cops I got like two cops. So there's still cops and I got like three criminals and I alternate in between All three of those all fucking six of those guys for different rides, you know, and I give him a couple little Couple hundred just because hey, that's what the patreon is for and that's what this whole thing was for, you know The last time I went down and uh, my friend luke my nephew luke gallo He's a cop and he was telling me that

You know, Dave portney the owner of ballstool sports. I'm a big fan of Um Put away 20 so he put a fund together like 26 fucking million dollars To help out business. You know guys, I didn't know anything about it to help out businesses and uh, whatever I think fucking Restaurants, so I think like Aaron rogers donated a half a mil to save a restaurant

That he really liked, you know Um A couple people Quarterback from Tampa Bay gave money a lot of people have given money. I'm gonna give a donation to Dave portney out of the patreon account this week once we they pay us on the fifth of the month Whatever for restaurant owners or whatever, but I just want to let you know that I've been doing my part On the patreon. I'm not looking, you know, you can't help everybody guys But I got to help the people that are closest to me first

I got to help the people in my circle a lot of comics, you know, that they're hurting So that's what I use my patreon for to help a lot of those people out Two 300 400 bucks a month, you know, three or four or five people, you know I got my drivers that I'm trying to help out, you know, mickey. We're all trying to help each other out here, man and uh This is what I do With the p-money is I try to just, you know, I can't help a business I wish I could help a small business come back

But I'm just trying to help the people To the closest to me in my inner circles as much as I can, you know tonight before we started You saw I got a I had a call a friend and you know tomorrow he has to go for a bunch of tests He doesn't have a car so he has to rent the car and that's what we do. That's that's what we're doing right now. We're helping out The people that are around us, but uh I just want to let you know What we're doing that is to join uncle joey's joint and the mind of joey dears What we're doing with that patreon money, you know, I'm not making big money

Nobody's fucking eating out or nothing. We're trying to help individuals little comics Guys that you would never hear of or want to hear of guys that you know, and there's some people I just said in the book They call boost You know our job here is to make somebody's day That's what our job is Mike when you come here. I always give you a little weed, right? Sometimes it's two nugs, but I always try to make somebody's day That's your mission forget about who the fuck the president is today Who gives a fuck your job to this country and what you all america is this

Be nice to somebody every day one fucking person Be kind Especially what we're going through right now Call them be kind You know give somebody a bud. I mean, I love to give mike a pound. I don't have a pound But if I had a pound half of it would be his you know in my world, I'm like, you know the the the worst people in life You know when I watch that documentary the 75 I got to meet mike dowd, you know I'm paper mike dowd a lot of people think he's crazy

But there's one thing I know for a fact about mike dowd that I've heard it from people If mike dowd has two dollars And you need it mike dowd will give it to you whether he robbed it Whether he stole it from a drug dealer and in my world. That's all that fucking matters You know if I got two pieces of rice Mike's gets one And if I got three mike gets two because he's got a kid at the house Or we split the third half goes to my kid and half goes to mike

Mike's kid. That's how we do it here So in retrospect and in closing that's what I wanted to talk about today that this podcast And my world is about making some of these day. I know this podcast was all over the place today But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed telling these stories I'm sorry about the commotion up there with this guy And this girlfriend and the grief that they're going through the guy got on patreon to fucking threaten me So I had a time to go fuck him. So remember the podcast I did a couple weeks ago About how I'm prepared if somebody wants to fuck around

It's hysterical how that podcast was taken out of content And how people thought it was meant towards them. I love that type of shit a guy like me loves that type of shit Now if you know anything about lee Hit lia and ask lee Lee has given me the biggest compliments of my life Because we worked together for eight years. We knew each other and lee once told me he goes bro. You're very calculated He goes I realized by working with you that you're very calculated You don't do anything unless there's a payoff unless there's a movement

And that's what I try to do when I tell these stories is tell movement. It's hysterical I told the story on there a couple weeks ago how I'm prepared And other people took it the wrong fucking way Yeah, the whole fucking thing And fucking people took it is the wrong way and I love it because I was just letting the right people know Listen if you've got a fucking problem with me and you want to fuck around Bring it give yourself a try whatever Especially over some girl that nothing happened. You're wasting your time

If you're that untrustworthy if you don't trust the person you love that much don't deal with them And go to a fucking class and learn how to get trust issues and how to trust people and how to love people again You know, we've been together for 20 years. I don't give a fuck about what my wife did before she met me I know she had a past. I don't care. I don't ask. It's got nothing to do with me And it's none of my business My business is to provide happiness for her Today the same thing with all my friends whether it be mike whether it be jimmy florentine I love all you motherfuckers the same

So I was just letting you motherfuckers. No, I'm in jersey. I'm in my backyard here Even on my block. I got two cops. My backyard is watched by a fucking cop all day long That loves me to death. He lives three or four doors down. If you notice, I've always lived next to cops I've always been frank with them. It's about weapons. They know I'm felons. You don't think they know they know I'm a fucking felon. I don't want to know but I'm gonna fuck It was a mistake I made and I did it and we're done with but it's so funny how I did that podcast and other people started getting scared He's talking about me Nobody gives a fuck about you. You fucking jerk off

That's it and that's that motherfucker. We've made it through another week. It's election day. I hope you watch this podcast nice and early Listen, I don't know what's gonna happen today. I'm not a psychic. I just know that That troops on their way to washington they're not allowed to have people I don't think there's gonna be people out of the inauguration. I don't know what's gonna happen the rest of the day today But all I want you to know is to stay home mind your business. I'm not doing no shows. I'm not doing nothing for the next couple days right now this country needs to heal a little bit and That's all I give a fuck about I want to congratulate you guys. I want to

I'm a new president. Where the fuck it is And I want to let you guys know I love you and thank you for all your support And your fucking love over the years. I know who you are I know who you are and I got your back the same way you got my back Thank you very much for letting me come into your homes. Thank you very much for letting me come into your cars Thank you very much for letting me into your life I'm not the ideal candidate, but I'm your fucking man. You got me. I got you I'm with you. You're with me and the rest of these punk-ass businesses want to be with us

I love you. Have a great weekend. Enjoy election day. Enjoy the weekend and we'll see you monday Tip top magoo 7 a.m. Ready to go I don't know what's gonna happen. So we'll communicate through twitter patreon and facebook I love you motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Stay black And I'll see you next week. Thank you very much for your time Thank you again for listening today. I want to thank you guys For all the support and for listening and for putting up with my bullshit Twice a week. I love you motherfuckers. I want to thank my sponsors first

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Be safe today. All right motherfuckers. I don't know what's gonna happen and neither do you so be safe. Love you You You You