Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 03/25/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #65

Episode Date: March 26, 2013

Two great guests today. Television writer/producer and actor in Gangster Squad Mick Betancourt calls in. Also, boxer and story teller Vinny Curto calls in ahead of him joining Joey and Lee at the live Church at the Ice House. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 03/25/2013

oh shit oh shit Monday March 25th it's a beautiful day to be alive especially since your motherfucking hit it you know I'm saying oh Lee clacked that fucking music DJ co-host producer the flying fucking Jew in the house do it Lee hit it oh shit Monday motherfucking morning wash your pussy wash your ass wash your helmet do what you gotta do you gotta go out there there's somebody fucking wait for you hit it oh shit the holy smoke welcome to the church it was happening now it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive I said that already anyway who gives a fuck

get your shit together it's great to be at least I got the flying Jew 61 pounds free forget about little Hemorrhoids I've never had hemorrhoids yes you did you tell me that's like a nightmare you said you had a little carrot sticking out of your ass on you need to take care of it you do the fruits and now you're fine oh yeah I can walk around naked I used to walk around naked but now I don't know I don't know I can do it in front of people I feel good I feel good I had a last night was kind of a rough night for me I was on the video you look I'm gonna quit I'm really good to fuck up cuckucker I think the Jews fucking

quit when they fought the fucking Russians that time up over the three fucking years you think they walked around with the 900 Jews fighting against 1500 Russians or something like that and yeah Romans and they fucking held it for how long for a while like so what do you think you think that they quit we're out of carrots fuck no I don't do that a carrot I don't know me it was a rough number I'm feeling good a lot of people don't know I know about that Jewish history yeah it's Masada it's great yeah fucking cocksuckers so next time you're Jewish and you want to put on faggy sandals to go hang out with your

friends at a coffee shop think of what your fucking people went through three years they fought the fucking Italians fist karate chop bagels you know pennies to the fucking eyeballs and there you want to work show me your little fucking fake hat on our fucking stab you miserable fuck I want to do like Lee I want to be like Lee's always on the move always I'm trying what's going on Sacramento guys I love you motherfuckers what if I'm gonna take my next CD I think it might be Sacramento we'll just fly up there oh great no Wednesday night it's a lot of people ask for you Lee I forgot I brought your

t-shirt one of the guys had a t-shirt for you Lee over a hundred people ask for you in Sacramento so thank you guys quit your job and come out put a suit on I tell you Lee's gonna put a suit on with a yama dollar bills that yeah yeah I can't wait to do that I have a smoking Lee what are you sitting there come on over get some fucking way when you smoke look at you what do you got here no you didn't cocksucker roll in talking about smoking I smoke a fucking half a joint now you know you're young I mean again let me tell you what happened oh it's like Sacramento was a lot of fun and I always I've been having a great time

doing stat lately excuse me I gotta be honest with you guys for years I would go out and I'd have a miserable time it was a job mm-hmm it stopped being a job it's a fucking adventure now and I'm having a good time what changed I love it yeah I love it again you gotta you gotta really love what you do I think that happens with everything like people I mean I work in TV and people think it's amazing and it ain't looking back if I had seen it three years ago I would be like oh shit that's amazing but it everything I think turns into a job at some point well you don't want exactly yeah that's that's what the thing is you

never want what you love to turn into a job and turn into a job even going on the set anything I was doing turn into a job now I'm doing it because you guys called me out that's what I feel like lately these people who they've called me out with the podcast so now I gotta keep on my toes I gotta write every day you know on Mondays I make my delivery to Omar for the book you know whether it's a paragraph or a fucking chapter when I get out of here I'm gonna go home clear up the paragraph and send it to him and it's just amazing you can stand up and meet these people and smoke and dope a year but Sacramento is definitely off

the chain so many fucking people went it's just amazing Anthony Johnson the black dude I mean I just saw you know and it's like a family we're building a little family all over the fucking country yeah it really is a lot of fun and I'm really working on my passport I can't really wait to go to England UK and oh yeah island and fucking the flying Jew we're gonna take up this fucking part of Israel oh shit fuck yeah blow up the cliff and we'll shoot a little special down at that cave the religious cave down there Jesus with a hundred dollar bill and do 10 minutes you follow me that's my dream

to shoot a fucking 10 minute special my little cave oh god need people would have heart attacks in Israel they saw you know they wouldn't they love you know they love it but I'm saying like just they love it they fucking love it Lee what's going on where's I want to be around it's Monday morning place some fucking music out of respect oh shit for you motherfuckers as usual this podcast is brought to you by on it go to on it calm get your fucking life started today that's what I love about Monday's you can start all over again so what you eat potato chips on Sunday Monday is another fucking day it's a

lot of fucking day uh-oh well Tony benefit Lisa at Monday morning here it's a beautiful fucking day register for classes I want to listen to that voice to pick up the pieces are you are you fucking if I had a room I'd shoot it then I'd burn you with this e-cigarette right in the fucking eyeball you're gonna make it happen today gonna go out there gonna get in your car you're gonna fucking be you know the best you can be I'm don't sit around you have to smile at people be a fake I ready cut off the Asian car and be yourself you

know I'm saying cut the fucking Asians off before they cut you off and you know I love you cocksuckers I love you come full cock suckers up what's up Lee look at you smiling you're back that's why I'm fucking Stephen Town harassment because you're back way I got a smile when you were a young kid again now we're gonna fucking fill up the top we're gonna get your little Paul McCartney head dude look like the president's wife with some bangs and it's all over you're gonna be back sitting in dick like a savage I gotta talk about something off the bat I saw something like I got the Sacramento Thursday night I do a show

you know and it's always when you have to do radio next day okay I told you I get up at 445 because I don't have to get up yeah you understand me I don't come to do the podcast I don't we don't have a boss it's when I have something to do that I can't fall asleep oh yeah you know what I'm saying so I know that you people go through that when you have to be somewhere I can't fall asleep do you get nervous or something happens to me so when I don't have to be somewhere I go to bed at fucking 9 and get up at 4 like nothing yeah but if I gotta get up at 6 I'll sleep you know I'm saying like very so today I fucking

couldn't wake up I was wiped out I ate a hash cookie I had a hash lollipop when I was a Sacramento some guys showed up with a fucking bag of these amazing munchies edibles if you see him fucking get on there made with bubble hash and you could feel it because bubble hash stays with you it's like taking like a little pain pill for your body like if you had saws I've been doing that electrical machine I thought I love it Lee I fucking love it it beats the fuck out of you I'm like you get sore yeah I had never really done it before and I do it like in 20 million increments can you move your whole body yeah yeah

everything hurts but I took the hash bubble fucking lollipop but I ate one last night when I was answering back the email I got fucked up when I passed out and this morning it was just I had to drink two cups of coffee and stay in the show and extra 10 minutes that's why I was running late but I want to talk about something that Thursday night I went back to the room the Agostino went to Walmart and I got waters and shit like that I went back to my room and I was going through stuff and I put something on that I never watch ESPN I'm not a big ESPN guy you know it's okay it's not like I was there in the

beginning when I used to watch it yeah and they were showing a movie called it was 30 30 which they're all fucking class oh yeah but this one was called advance survive in advance is that what you call me about last night yeah Jim Balvanos story you never heard the speech or nothing you've never seen any of that shit Lee I'm in in recent years since I've come to LA they when they when he passed away they had a big thing like the Jimmy V cancer thing right so I've heard of him but I don't really know the story okay in 83 I'm a street guy straight up I'm not a high school I don't know what the fuck I'm doing I'm working

at Boulevard hardware and Fairview I get pinched my first check I stole some checks and I gave him to a buddy my he got caught with them right at me up and they came and arrested me and I lost my job but when I was working there one day this is the fucking weirdest thing I was wanting to see Pat Benatar Pat Benatar was on tour supporting the one fucking album after promises in the dark and all that shit and I went to the metalands in the fucking snow to get these tickets and as I walk in I hear this commotion and it's all these black dudes and a white dude that's North Carolina State they were playing

somewhere in that area for some Christmas tournament and I was walking in to get tickets and I just happened to see him and they just came out of practice and something they stuck out in my fucking head they stuck out in my head something about them I didn't know what it was at that time my life I was doing a lot of fucking gambling I was doing a lot of drugs but I was making I was gambling to make a living which is never fucking good you're gonna lose oh yeah like I actually thought in my head that I was smart and everybody else and I was gonna bet you know three four hundred a week and fucking win so every week I

was minus 200 and I had to do some criminal activity that's all those stories go back when I go to Boulevard East and mug the fucking perverts and we were just doing crazy shit so it just so happened that the redskins I think won the soup bowl that year okay in January they beat the Miami Dolphins to kill it bees I think that's the whole thing don't quote me on this and they paid me that day I won eight hundred dollars and I went into the city and I went to 174th Street they used to have a Thai chocolate Thai chocolate wheat thing there this little old man and I would go in and buy chocolate Thai wheat I had a

bunch of money yeah usually bought 20s and 10s this time I had $800 that was big for me so I went in and bought a quarter ounce it was freezing it was January 21st the Super Bowl is usually January 20th in those days January 28th it was fucking freezing in New York I asked the old guy do you mind if I roll the joint in here because it's fucking cold my plan was to go outside smoke the fucking joint walk down to like 163rd over the Broadway and take the train downtown and take the bus over back to Northburg okay to Port Authority so I go in that roll the fucking joint the weeds tremendous is chocolate Thai we

don't even make that shit no more to have it down like in Miami it's called lambs bread from Jamaica and I fucking go outside and I roll this fucking boner it's windier so I put the joint in the corner you know you put something in the corner and spark it yeah and I feel a gun to my head and it's a fucking mailman dressed up undercover get on the floor and he puts handcuffs on me within minutes they pull up with these cars they roll me over they go in my pocket I got fucking $700 in my pocket they get the weed out they asked me my name in those days I didn't carry fucking ID there was no ID the ID is me you want my

name fucking guess it like jeopardy so they threw me and fucking the thing they asked me for my name I told the truth they did like an instant fingerprint in those days is 19 fucking 83 and they had that shit I had to wait like an hour for the results they just held me like a patty wagon and they said you didn't lie they took some of the weed drew it on the floor and gave me a ticket and they got me for possession and something else and it was just a ticket New York was 1983 and it was a three because they put me on six months probation I fucking I had to go to my court okay so from January which after football season to

March it's basketball it's college basketball April yeah college basketball all the way so I didn't know the whole story these guys were winning while I'm doing all my criminality North Carolina is fucking winning winning winning winning and finally gonna play Houston Houston five slammer Jammer would Clyde Drexel and Akeem the Elijah one these motherfuckers were nuts this was like watching a college pro basketball team everybody slam dunked they had the best center in the fucking game at the time best center in the fucking game who he was like his name was Akeem Elijah one okay he was like number five when he

was in college it was Moses you know Karim Abdul-Jabbar and this guy was up there with the best centers and he was in fucking college and they're playing North Carolina state this fucking team that's got nothing they're a bunch of short guys Darryl Bailey and they fucking North Carolina Houston's given nine and a half that's how big of a point spread nobody bet but the line started at eight it went to nine and a half nobody bet North Carolina state nobody you understand me it was that much like you didn't see it in your future it was not gonna be in those days there wasn't a sports center and shit

like a bar so you had to call sports phone cost you 35 fucking cents so you had to walk around with changing your pocket every time you see the pay phone and it would update it every 15 fucking minutes so sometimes if you call back you got the same goddamn scores people know about this this is how old I go you gotta call up and they'd slow down tonight's results in the third quarter the next against the Boston Celtics 68 64 you would die you wait on the fucking phone and I called in the first score I get at half time they're beating them outright Houston or North Carolina is beating Houston outright getting eight

points beating them outright nine and a half points is beating them like by eight or something like that anyway I get back to Jersey I run down says I bet fucking Houston this is when I was out there hustling gangbanging whatever the fuck you want to call it a selling coke and robbing people I bet Houston given nine points and they fucking lost North Carolina North Carolina was this dream team this just just come from behind that the best player they had got hurt so Thursday night after the fucking show I go back to my hotel room I'm smoking a few numbers I got a diet fucking coke I'm sitting there eating fucking

strawberries I bought and this thing is on and it's called advanced since what I tell you was called off to look at this succeed in advance or something like that okay and basically it was about Jim Balvan on he opens up with that when he first took over the team he would do a practice once a week where he would cut down the nets practice winning the championship he would cut down the net oh shit so these guys like after a while at first it seemed redundant but after a while we started to have fun doing it and we started to believe yeah and all of our values did with these guys was what we do here at the church

what's happening now is tell you bro that all you need to do is believe that's it if you sit look at yourself close your eyes and you know what I'm gonna go in and start selling cocks on the mail whatever I'm gonna go on fucking line and make YouTube videos of me yelling scream with a cock in my hands I'm a self-fucking fake cocks in the mail whatever the fuck you decide to do you have to believe it first you have to believe it's gonna fucking happen and that's what he instilled in him he's got a speech on ESPN that's a famous speech today I never it when he did the speech in whatever year I could lie to you and

tell you I watched it it was emotional I never saw it I was subscribed to readers digest in 94 because of the jokes they had in there remember the little jokes that you don't read as digest for old people I liked it because you go to old people's house and this is it's interesting so I would subscribe to readers digest and send my stupid jokes and I never told nobody else I'm telling you people on the podcast for the first time and my jokes never made it but they always have interesting stories and readers digest and I read the story on one of the things at one time in my life and I've told you guys this I was

prepared to kill my ex-wife and the boyfriend because of what they did to me with the daughter yeah and I remember a quote that he had said in there in that speech that always stuck with me this is why I was prepared to go to prison as a man he goes that no matter what they do to you they can't take away cancer can't take away your soul your heart or your brain that that's what lives on forever yeah I have it do you want me to play it's like a ten minute thing do you have to play it or do you want to not do it yeah fucking play we got some calls we got just didn't we won't play the whole thing just a couple minutes of it it's

brilliant it's a brilliant fucking speech so someone has to help him walk up the stage right now because he's so depleted oh he blows it the fuck up he blows it up people watched it we'll just listen to a few words whatever the fucking he's got to say but I guess I didn't watch the speech live and what the lowest I've ever seen Dick Vitale since the the owner of the Detroit Pistons called them in and told them he should go into broadcasting I can't tell you what an honor it is to even be mentioned the same breath with an Arthur Ashe this is something I certainly will treasure forever but as as was

said on the tape I and also I don't have one of those things going to cue cards so I'm going to speak longer than anybody else has spoken tonight that's the way it goes just get bored a few minutes about right time time is very precious to me I don't know how much I have left and I have some things that I would like to say hopefully at the end I'll have something that will be important to other people too but I can't help it now when I'm fighting cancer everybody knows that and people ask me all the time about how you you go through your life and how's your day and nothing has changed for me as dick said I'm a very

emotional passionate man I can't help it that's being the son of Rocco and Angelina Valvano as she comes with the territory right we hug we kiss we love and when people say to me how do you get through life or each day the same thing to me there are three things we all should do every day we do this every day of our life you're going to have what a wonderful number one is laugh you should laugh every day number two is think you should spend some time in thought you smoke dope if you should have your emotions moved to tears I'm doing right now but think about it if you laugh you think and you cry I've

never heard a full day that's a heck of a day you go seven days a week there you go motherfuckers that's it we'll laugh together we think together and we fucking that's it I can't tell you that you have to listen to this to believe us he quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson and he says that nothing happens without enthusiasm you know and that's why I get up in the mornings I'm fucking excited listen man anybody that's rich can get up and have a great fucking face on it's the motherfuckers like us that we have to get up you know and fight it out those are the motherfuckers that are really happy anybody can be happy with a half a

million the fucking bank 20s it's guys like us to get up in the morning these blue collar motherfuckers and we got a banging out a little blue black Sabbath for these cops like what oh shit we can't that shit does anything you got a spark in the jointly hit it oh shit little into the void this is what we going today into the deep oh shit the black label society fucking smokes on this we do oh shit get up cock suckers wash your dick watch that helmet watch that pussy it's a beautiful day to be alive it's Monday motherfuckers at least I had smile and do it we hit it

part that motherfucker a brand-new one out of respect let's do this week oh shit the flies burns low everywhere is misery and whoa huh Lee looking good dancing for the boys look at me oh shit we're going over here found a job we gotta get another camera Lee you could see a wiggle and doing jumping jack we'll have a special segment for now we're gonna get another camera please understand next to me and do jumping jacks like Jack Balane in 58 what's up so for people looking if you just search Jimmy's 1993 SP speech ESPY

that's how you find it you're going Joey you're fucking corny showing us that shit you know what fuck you bitch all I'm trying to do is let you know you can do whatever the fuck you want to do how the fuck you want to do you could do it it's Monday put your mind to it write it to fuck down today I'm gonna stab somebody and you go out there and if I'm gonna eat this lollipop out of respect they got one last one left I don't give a fuck I gotta meet somebody for coffee gotta work I'm not gonna hang out my wife that's it I gotta write I gotta send home wise book before I got shit going on but I don't you know I'm saying yeah

I'm trying to say so I got a weird question for you well not weird but I just read I read it a couple days ago that a ronda rouse he's gonna be the ultimate fighter coach right and when I when I asked this question she's amazing and this is not that she's not amazing right but she's had one fight she was a champ before that and now she's already coach is it going too fast like it seems like it like with all sports people have like one good one good game or something and now they're like the world champions and they're amazing and I don't know it just seems like it's like Jesus Christ she just came out you gotta

do what you gotta do when press with shit right off the bat in this country now somebody does one fucking thing and we're jumping up and fucking down that's why I love Justin Timberlake because that motherfucker do it all I didn't know I like I mean it's not like I hang out with him gonna post on my fucking wall you know I'm just it's funny yesterday I flew back from Sacramento there was these two chicks on there and you can see they were fucking single they were on the chubby side I'm not saying the chubby chicks are single I'm just saying these two morons and listen to the conversation on the train to the

shuttle to the plane and then behind them you can see why they were fucking single but they sat down they both had to be 40 and the one girl goes oh if you want to have Justin Bieber and something else I'm listening to them it was like two fucking kids I'm like the one these fucking chicks are single they still think they're in fucking high school yeah get it together watch that pussy shave it get out there the one put flip-flops on have feet bigger than mine put boots on if you feed a bigger than a seven put boots on ladies don't fucking put those planks and fucking flip flop and show people that you know

we could float on those fucking things if the world gets taken all by water unbelievable these fucking women trying to get a boyfriend with flip-flops on a toes all hard and shit crusty every chick rub that big dry toe on your leg glee that I'm the dryness isn't what gets me is a the cold feet that freaks me out at night it doesn't mean it's like cold feet is that what you worry about I'm not worried about it but I don't give the feet a fucking ice-cold ice as long as that monkey's warm that's all that matters you understand you like that one monkey of course they do hot fudge on a chicks fucking monkey

that's the problem maybe you've got a fucking hot foot Sunday 16 of them at McDonald's cock that means I don't need don't fucking lie to me I've seen those hot foot I'll eat the cheeseburgers but not the Sunday you're not eating you're not going to McDonald's ever again I know you yell it I'm not I'm not going anywhere I know you're thinking about I know how you think it's five weeks tomorrow and you say I'm gonna go game I think about the cheeseburgers tomorrow you know I love you to death we all care for you at the church what's happened now so and I know I can see in your eyes when you make the video you I can't

wait to get a double whopper whatever you didn't say it I could see it in your fucking eyeballs it don't take a swarmy fucking tell you what you're thinking about you know I think what's the first thing you're gonna eat the first thing we get is a barbecue chicken salad at California Pizza Kitchen oh Jesus fucking Christ what are you that's what you're giving up your sobriety for it's a salad California a barbecue chicken salad from fucking Cali that's the worst food in North America that's just who owns that shit it's a division of McDonald's it's like that other fucking Mexican place to all these fucking

wasps totally yeah jumping up and down that's McDonald beef I have to get a fucking at somebody's cat at somebody's fucking cat no salad you get you know the salad is what a salad not a barbecue chicken salad I can't put a little chicken no not a barbecue chicken from whatever they put sugar in this shit did you see the other day that there was an article at a McDonald's salad has its money calories was much did you see that oh yeah yeah with the dress don't eat the salad that's not a salad though there's no barbecue that nobody fucking ever had a barbecue it's like barbecue chicken pizza who fucking invented that

I want to eat that some white dude from fucking Culver City I ain't doing that shit I ain't going for it that's what you give up listen if you're gonna cheat on your wife you're gonna cheat on it with a chick who's 21 it's got that butter skin a pussy smells like fucking flowers and their ass smells like fucking fireworks like firecrackers when that asshole smells like gunpowder you follow me you're gonna go for the best so again what's the first thing you're gonna eat me well I have to start off I have to start off with a super salad so that I was gonna start off like a how about you go to big Tony's right down

the corner on cold water and Riverside right there by Rouse yeah and you get the chicken breast nice on the grill and they give you a nice spinach salad with a lemon vinaigrette you follow me with nice fresh tomatoes you put some salt and pepper on those fucking tomatoes you follow me eight dollars you want to give that up for California pizza kitchen it's a salad it's a it's not a salad it's a sweet salad with sugar this is what I'm saying this is what they're gonna tell you at Weight Watches when you look at that book and see how many points so that's not a salad this is what this is what we're discussing this

is what we're saying look at you like my mic you chicken set what's in it I'll tell you in a second they've got a whole call coming in oh shit who's this on the phone what do you say oh shit it's my main man the fucking flying Puerto Rican McBenicourt what's happening beautiful don't deny my Irishness I hear you I hear you it's around st. Patty's time it's funny make the other day well I told you about a year ago I was in the hotel room and I watched the law and order SVU that you had written a line director or whatever the fuck you had done in your name it was one of the best things I've ever seen on television about them the

army chick that left the the thing and one of the soldiers came back and they thought it was him that killed the chick and it was fucking amazing and the other day I'm on a line I see that what's her name who does the podcast with Felicia Denny's Danny Stewart wrote that she was home sick did you see that tweet that she wrote I was home sick I was watching law and order and fucking McBenicourt it's a bad motherfucker so I said we got to get make back on the podcast how you doing but I know you don't have that much time today how are you I'm good man I'm happy to be up this early and happy to pop on the podcast and say hello are

you an early guy you have children so you got to be up early correct yeah you know what they're actually going out of town they're going to Chicago for a week for Easter so I'm gonna miss the Bambino's for a little bit but week to get the house back in order my wife is leaving Thursday also I have a free rain for a fucking week too let's go get some states absolutely see we're gonna go get some states see I'm saying nobody said a salad from California fucking pizza kitchen the fuck is wrong with these kids Cal that's not a salad that's the only place that had tie fucking barbecue pizza who the fuck put

together tie but there's not a guinea and fucking Sicily that's going who fucking invented tie barbecue pizza with pineapple and ranch dressing on it and these white kids are jumping up and fucking down you cock suckers pizza is actually killed more Callians oh my god just throw themselves off the fucking cliff cliff for the Amalfi Coast let me tell you something I've got defiance you know when you fly southwest on LAX you go downstairs they have the Jamba juice or one of those fucking juices and that's what they got California pizza and every time I would go there and I meet Joe he'd always be

in that shit when they tasted that pizza I couldn't believe how fucking bad it was and how all these fucking waspy motherfuckers are standing around talking about their calendars and what they're gonna do on their iPhones I felt like machine gun and all these motherfuckers because that's the best thing you could do with these dumb fucks California pizza kitchen your nasty motherfuckers I wouldn't want to smell your ass all the next day anyway brother did you see that thing with Jim Valvano on on ESPN did you cap happen to watch that oh yeah the 30 for 30 yeah North Carolina State yeah when he was talking

about that he'd make him cut the nets down once a week to practice and they asked her Bailey you know what you think about he goes it was kind of redundant but after a while we enjoyed it and you start believing that you could this is gonna happen you know and we were talking about belief and that story you told me at coffee one day about how you got into writing I left there my head blew up but I knew it was possible because we always look at things and we go we can never reach for that and all of a sudden a situation happens and there we are tell the story Nick for me so these motherfuckers know well I got the

very powerful 30 by 32 where he said his father's belief in him where he said I'm my bags of pack my bags of pack and you know then he believed that he could actually win the NCAA championship I thought it was amazing but I agree with you know you get the self-doubt in you I don't know if it's a byproduct of real city Catholicism or what you know you and I both came from kind of fucked up houses and you get the self-doubt and I was out here I was broke I had no money I knew I had something I knew I could do something to your writer I've been writing since second grade my own shit you know notebooks I go to the Walgreens

and I buy a spy remember the spiral notebooks with the metal shit running down the side fuck yeah yeah so I'd write in that and but I didn't know a writer you know I didn't know what it meant to be a writer or how you would even go about it and so being out here you see guys write for TV you realize that scripts are written and my agent at the time said you have to write a spec script and I thought what is that she said it's an it's a episode of television so you pick an episode of TV like law and order or whatever you want I was good to comedy write a comedy if it's a drama write a drama so what's it

what's an edgy drama she goes to shield so she said okay I'll write one of those and I at the time I had never seen an episode so I went over to fries and I bought the DVD set of the last season of the shield and I watched the last three episodes I thought how am I gonna I couldn't get a hold of an actual shield script but then in the very end of the DVD thing was a DVD special feature that said in the writer's room so I click on that and there's the guy Sean Ryan who created this show he's sitting in the writers room but behind him there's a giant corkboard with index card I go what the fuck is that and it

said I think it's about episode seven it said teaser on the card on the top of the board teaser act one act two all the way and then it had cards underneath it so I hit pause on the DVD player and I look and I realized that that's how he had broken out an episode so when I got a legal pad and I drew squares on the legal pad and I and I numbered the cards based on the what was on TV and I just wrote my episode in that format because you know at that time I was working at Starbucks I didn't have time for school I had a two-year-old son that was on the grind and I'm like you know what if they're not gonna fucking

let me in I'm gonna find a way I'm not giving up I'm not I'll tell you Joe I'm not fucking giving up they're gonna have to kill me because I'm going after it that's what I did I bought a $14 DVD box at a prize and I wrote an episode of television and that's how I got hired on actually that's the script that got me hired on law and order as you so there you fucking have it cock suckers when you're scared of doing something make better quote comes to the fucking rescue you understand me I love that story how to go at it Mick when you told me that I went home and I couldn't put my friend and it's funny because the other day I

was you also came on the movie this year and you told me that fucking story I couldn't believe that either yeah I did a little piece on gangster squad which was it was such a great experience that's amazing why you're sitting there your head blowing up correct it's incredible because you know when guys move out you know like I try to help I was a teamster back in Chicago when guys come out that are particularly comfortable blue collar background or a very poor background those are my guys I'm always gonna meet you I'm always gonna get coffee with you and I'm always gonna help you guarantee 100% of the time and you're gonna deal

with fear you're gonna deal with self-doubt you're gonna deal with a weird form of envy because like you said with California Pete's kitchen none of it's gonna make sense so how do you move forward but what's in my control what can I do well I can go out and I can buy a DVD set of fries how can I move my pieces forward I go out I don't have enough for a computer well go buy a fucking notebook and buy a pen keep writing you want to be an actor go out and act anything you can act in doesn't matter shitty plays horrible short film there's people doing shit become a part of it get out of your head out of your

head and in action don't fuck around and don't listen to yourself go after your dream but it requires work don't talk just work you know it's funny make I was sitting waiting for the plane yesterday and I was going through my bag a little travel bag and I found sides from some TV show I had done you know kicking it it's a kids show oh yeah and I was sitting in there and I'm thinking of myself that's fucking amazing that up and what led to that was I was on a buddy man at the airport he called me from Jersey and he said he saw me in some movie or some of his friends on some DVD and he goes you know it's so

weird that you always like movies since I came from Cuba Nick when you can't speak the language that's how we learned to speak a lot of people don't know that I learned to fucking speak the language by watching movies and acting out dick Van Dyke that's what I wanted to be Nick make dick Van Dyke can you believe that when 1968 I thought dick Van Dyke was fucking God I'd watch him he's still the shit he's still the fucking shit and years later I ended up doing a movie with him and I couldn't look at him I kept crying and he asked me what was the matter did I have a loss in the family I go no I can't look at

you because it reminds me of coming from Cuba and being a little boy and watching your TV and you were everything to me so it's weird that I'm in this business now make I actually get booked in this bit and you know what's for weird in 87 right before I got locked up I had a roommate who had a friend out here you know those people in Chicago that you meet that have a friend out here there a cameraman on the show yes yeah like that guy's gonna get me he's gonna tape me and one of his friends gonna see me at a bar and I'm gonna fucking be a TV guy and I remember actually calling him up and going to

coffee with him he lived like in Boulder somewhere but he'd come out for six months and shoot like some stupid fucking show and him like you know telling me all this shit you have to go to acting class and coming out here and getting on a movie and seeing that in reality how hard it was was really how easy it was it's very easy to get on a movie but back then I thought it was like going to the fucking moon make yeah like if I see I think some people possess talent and the talent will open a door but they'll kick you out if the discipline isn't there like if you like and of course there's always

exceptions to the rule and I think those exceptions are with bring more people here than anything to L.A. but the talent needs discipline if the discipline isn't there those are the guys you watch fade away they hit a little bit they'll do a movie tiny part and then that's it because they don't have the discipline to take the ride on the rocks you know because you're gonna get crashed on the rocks you know fuck yeah that's the journey that's the whole fucking p'twa how do you deal with failure do you fucking cut and run or do you man up learn from it stand back up just yourself off and go alright round

two for my first eight years I dealt with it with a fucking grandma blow and some gonna get on the water in a couple joints now I just inhaled on a solo like a doctor like it's like walking around with no undies on commando fuck you don't want to suck my dick that's fine I'll jerk off in the fucking corner that science but you're bringing science to get that's a very scientific approach that is what are you gonna do we were law percentages listen man I read that article about your boy what's up what's the actor that was really big he did the movie walking alone he did like fast and furious remember women like them he

was hot Paul Walker no the other guy opposite him he played the cop Vin Diesel Vin Diesel said something once he goes when I got here I moved here with eight buddies and after three years I had I was down to five buddies and after five years I was down to two buddies and after eight years I was down to one buddy and after ten years I got my fucking made it yeah and nobody was left and sometimes I believe just sticking it out you know and success isn't being fucking rich or having a limo or having some Chinese guy on a rickshaw drive you around town that's what these fucking people success for guys like you and me

is just being here make cuz we know we were at one time in our lives we know how dark it can get we know that we know that fuck you and your motherfucker I'll get a gun right now and I'll make it happen on a daily you know you and I both know that that that's always in the quarter of our hearts that I could still go down get a fucking gun and some new chucks and I can make it happen Doug well that was the hardest thing when I was up against the wall when my son was too and you know I didn't move out here to throw out garbage bags of coffee grind at Starbucks you know that wasn't my that wasn't my dream scenario and my

mind started to go to that dark place and I thought there's kids involved now I'm not gonna fuck around what am I gonna look at my son and go I know you're hungry but dad wants to be an actor like I can't that's not who I am and that's where it got hard and that's where it got dark and it was you know I was right on that precipice of where you're gonna go one way or the other and I just I took the high road and I stayed out of trouble and things changed you know because if I go down that road it's it's at this age I can't come back I mean that I'm gonna do that you know my mother wants to jail for robin a bank I

don't have fucking time for that I can't do that to my kids you know my mother had an alias what the fuck so I'll see you later on what do you got going on right now make I'm working on a show called necessary roughness on the USA network hey there was a part on that for me last week as a coach a high school coach or something maybe recur or something there was because my agent called me because I just submitted I don't know if they're gonna put you on so keep you got a call you got a you got I was on script I forgot all about it brother I forgot with that you know the deal fucking here I forgot all about I

just remembered now that they keep called me because I just put you in for a script as a coach it might recur or something who the fuck knows all right well I'm heading in there this afternoon well I'll be in there at 10 so I'll take a look I'll see you at 8 yeah a couple hours and what else you got going on you want to talk about the other thing or yeah April 6 10 30 PM at Radford Hall in Van Nuys just off the corner of Woodman and Victory is our 50th show Radford Hall has a bunch of meetings supporting the sober community doors open at six in the morning they close at 11 30 at night shows at 10 30 tickets only five

bucks and it's gonna be an amazing show so if you get a chance and now you're looking for a fun night out Saturday April 6 10 30 PM Radford Hall in Van Nuys I'd love to see you guys out there all right I love you make thank you for that's a great story I'll never forget and that's why I wanted to pass it on to these fucking people my pleasure man I'll come by any time it's a hey all right bro I'll see you at 8 thank you stay black I'll see it is that a comedy show yeah oh cool yeah see you can go mingle and shit tell people you Lisa yeah it's funny when I got in here today Lisa that we got a lot of great comments on the

kind of hewn podcast yeah and let's get something straight people I've had criminals on here I was gonna have a gangsta on today Kenji and he couldn't make it today so we had to switch him around I had gangsters on here I've had touts on here you know comedians on here the people that you react to the most for some reason the health people and number two anybody who talks about fucking fear you people go bananas I got 30 emails I got 22 emails on my Facebook I got you know another 10 tweets about it 16 fucking emails on my tweet people were all fucking scared okay and we're all in this together you

have none to be scared about life doesn't have a gun people have guns life doesn't have a gun life not gonna fucking kill you or shoot you for fucking trying seriously I get anxiety out the ass leave you get anxiety all the time thinking about shit Jesus Christ when I was Lee's age I had ulcers and I would shit and then a little blood would drip out not come out on this shit like at wallpaper like a poster on the wall but it would drip from my ulcer and they put me on some medication it was I was thinking too much don't think about fucking nothing you want to be on fucking TV go for it you want to sew

clothes and be a men's designer go for it but you want to fucking lay carpet it's your passion you know my passion is Lee fuck all this stand up and talk to people I want to coach I want to coach kids I want to be around kids you know that my other passion was Lee I want to be a bricklayer you want there was a pattern fucking still to this day I look at bricks and I go what the fuck am I doing with my life I want to be a brick but you know what stopped me Lee I was fucking scared this shit I wasn't scared for because it came natural to me I was scared I would get really good as a hard carry and stop you know what else I

like I love being an electrician I loved wiring the fucking boards from the from the pole I loved all that shit Lee but I was scared to because I knew I would fuck it up or I'd burn somebody's house down you know fear stopped me from so many fucking things by the time I got into comedy I wasn't scared anymore I knew one thing about comedy by the time I'd gotten into comedy at 28 I knew one thing about life at that point I always thought that everything came easy you do something for two weeks and boom yeah fucking that's how I thought I ain't gonna lie to nobody when I got into comedy I knew one thing I knew that I

didn't want to go back to prison mm-hmm so I knew that part of my life I didn't want to do deep crime and I knew that if I got into comedy I had to work at it because this is my last chance I knew that when I was 28 years old was 28 Lee yeah I was 28 people are confused the 22 at 24 right now you're an editor but it's not really what you want to do you know you do it for a living and you'd make it fun and you'd make it work for you but you want to do other things and you're doing them but fear would stop some people it's crazy how you're more scared of being an electrician than being a comedian because the podcast on

Wednesday is a little different because I'm not doing it as a stand-up but being a stand-up in front of people terrifies me yeah I could never do that well you know like I said to you I'm in months ago you came to me I want to do it I said Lee I want you to get your chops up and Lee you've really got your chops up on this podcast it's hard to believe you're an editor you're usually looking at a computer sitting there like a fucking momo back and going back in your own and what amazes me about you is you don't even get high and do it oh yeah I mean to do that type of shit I gotta smoke 55 joints just to sit there and

go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth it's a fucking nightmare but somebody's got to do it but please people you know I love it that you guys react to the weird I talked about fear one time on a podcast they made videos about it so that tells me that people are fucking scared and you know what dog like I said I was so scared I didn't do shit till I was 28 I was hiding at college selling fucking cars and I wouldn't even do that correctly I was always fought to fit on the board and between you and me I was the best salesman on that fucking floor yeah if I was me but I was always scared I was always

scared to reach because deep in my heart I'm always a piece of shit well eventually you got to fucking talk yourself out of that shit and just go for it so if you're scared you know what we're all fucking scared just do me a favor and go we got a musically what do you got for me you ain't smoking dope you ain't do where's your roommate lesion coming together brah people want to see him on the show went to the camera history coming and dancing the morning for us one quick fucking song and then we're off and run oh fuckly you took me deep with this one I'm after fucking oh shit it's Monday watch that

pussy motherfuckers go out there and get what the hell you want to do oh shit what late oh you're talking about shout-outs Lee oh shit Jesus Limone Barkley and Ben Dorrigan Mark Jolando Riley Barrett I love you motherfucker Lou Greco you bad cocksucker Jamaica Queens death squad and Robert Garza we're here with your motherfuckers oh shit you're 50 pounds latterly 60 pounds like that with your fingers oh shit spirit fingers oh shit oh shit like this oh shit look at you a west back to the hotel kick it Lee put that on a lot of Lee get up motherfuckers it's Monday

March 25th watch that pussy taxes are doing three weeks cocksuckers get your W-9s go down the H&R block get a fucking return go to Honest.com get your life started by a fucking sneakers go run do something till it hit it Lee Lee wants some of this roach it's on fire not enough oh shit let me get it up I had enough we had like your fucking force joint this morning what are you talking about Lee why you what do you mean what am I talking about I bring you the best of the best of the best this one batch of weed people will bring him back to his toast too strong yeah the

people like bringing it back was too strong oh shit and you over you don't want to smoke it's clean it's clean it's Tony it's clean oh it's great but I'm like you haven't been smoking for 30 years like if I smoke anymore I'm gonna I'm gonna go crazy so when's your first fucking come back to eat tour what are you gonna do what we're gonna do is I have 11 days left or 10 days left and then what happens in 10 days I'm starting off with salad and soup or something like that man you were going to fucking Morty's and one of you let's take a salad I can't my stomach will explode okay we'll explode right

there go get your nice lobster I don't like lobster what type of fucking Jew you don't like but I know Jews that got me a lot isn't there free so they hold it like Cougarans you know that shit I like I got a fucking Jew friend in Jersey that's holding on to 2,000 lobsters pre-fucking oil spill he says these things are fucking mint oh geez he's holding like Cougarans I got Jews that hold on to lobster tails like Cougarans they go up in value the ones with no fucking Katrina oil on them and all that shit what I'm gonna fuck those lobster tails I got a fucking clam is that like a fucking that like a fucking

oil valve in it the other shit fuck that shit but I got how don't you like I'll have to try it again when I was like shrimp oh I love shrimp okay this is what I'm gonna do for your first meal come over the house okay stone okay I'm gonna get the fucking bloggy I'm gonna go down to Marty fucking whatever Morton's and get a nice salad okay we're gonna get some fucking some fucking okay 30 pounds of shrimp what's happening now money we're gonna shrimp cocktail for you with horseradish oh so we're done that's your first meal no fucking salad from California pizza I'm not gonna eat the pizza either shit oh no no listen it's

over it's over no more California pizza either that's it's over I'm gonna tell you this I'm not going but my friends from work wanted to take me out like a few days later when I could eat guess where were they wanted to take me to get wings hooters this one talking about you got fucking terrible friends you got to stab these people who is to see chicks with stockings on that don't want to show you their fucking titties they want to show me don't fucking test you fucking built the animal show me that monkey look at you leave fucking stone show me what you know who there's no no we're gonna leave Morton's right there

in Burbank okay I'm gonna go in there for lunch we're gonna valet park like doctors when they go in there I'm gonna get a little lobster bisque I'm gonna get a little steak on that blue cheese salad with the crumbles of tomatoes and other one salad yep you're gonna get a wet salad with nice shrimp cocktail you see where you're at holy shit that's amazing I'll bring a joint we'll go outside we'll hit it we'll come back and then you decide you want a fucking steak on a stick drop that motherfucker of the state right now we'll get some church of what's happening non-money for you or we'll just get the state and you

bring it home to go so yeah good for the first day you got to take care of yourself Lee you did a major fucking thing you did a major thing that most people can't do how many days 60 all right well I'll get to like 42 42 days yeah you gotta go for 85 like fucking Moses I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it for another 30 once my mom so once you're gonna do 40 so we'll do this you call me you go listen I'm gonna go back to eat Monday we'll make the reservation Friday morning we'll go right to already Morton's 12 o'clock nice those shrimp got real strength oh I love to train a pre-all spill free pre-porta rican

pre-cuban fucking dumping garbage out there when they're fucking swim back those greasy fucking Cubans so we're gonna go get your nice steak a nice shrimp cocktail nice doctors no fucking cannot stop that shit dog stop it stop it we're gonna go to the fucking farmer's mug get you some nice apples okay some oranges you know I'm saying some pads you don't go to the farmer's mug I'm low you gotta go to the farmer's mark see some hot chicks with tattoos they're walking around with their kids nice chick with tattoos don't you know don't you want to go with a tattoo it doesn't matter to me where's Rosie it's over

no she's in Boston you call you talk to a lady yeah you still in love still holding hands you know oh my Rosie can't hold hands with her she's in Boston so she's coming out in June the busy to give you a little stomach well find out you'll be 90 pounds lightly I'll be doing fucking summer soft diving into that fucking pussy my goal is to buy July to be down a hundred pounds my 100 pounds flat yeah you want to be a hundred pounds yeah because I'm down I'm down 62 okay and I have until July 20th to lose another 40 35 something like that oh shit so you're 135 right now what you're 135 pounds right now I

wish that's all I was gonna say so you want to weigh a hundred no I want to lose a hundred pounds a hundred more pounds you're gonna juice you're gonna jump what's your plan of a tackling my I see I wait watchers cuz I can't this juice thing has been tough the past couple weeks has been tough but I'm stuck with it oh yeah I've stuck with it I haven't got a dick you're stuck with it you put it up your ass and you wiggle you're not crying you're not tapping out I can't do it you're fucking sitting on it and you're taking it like a man yeah so yeah just the weight watchers and then my plan is to juice for breakfast cuz I

don't really that that was my biggest problem is I never really I'm gonna buy a juicer did I tell you oh really buy a juice I don't want to make the kale but I want to make fruit juices in the morning it's good it's I love it I love a little watermelon a little cantaloupe that shit's good I've never had watermelon yeah it's still you don't go that's because you don't go to fucking farms market you got these Mexicans at the oh shit oh shit who's this hey I'll wire baby okay oh shit look who it is my brother Vinnie boom boom curtain oh what's happening baby what's going on buddy I'm nothing you sound good for

seven or more you do a couple jumping Jackson ready yeah I took the dogs out for a quick sprint how old are you now Vinnie I'm 57 and you're still in tremendous shape you were tied a world champion you're a fucking savage yeah you sound great I had you call in today cuz Vinnie's doing a live podcast with us for you people don't know he did beating the beast with myself a felicia and hit it out of fucking parking I looked at beating the beast about a month ago and his episode was a hundred thousand more hits than anybody else's Vinnie seriously yeah yeah you you have a beautiful story you have a TV show coming out I

guess so you're working on one yeah we're working on one called fifth Street fifth Street about the gym in Miami where you're trained and what's been going on Papa talk to me well I think I'm working with my manager he lives in New Jersey and we you know we won the phone most of the day and actually after this after this this show here I'll probably be on the phone with him for two hours and we you know we was putting it's trying to put it all together he's what he's the only one who got he's the one in this world that got me he read my stuff he really got what I was trying to say yeah he knows about my

life he knows but and and he gotta talk to all the right people from what I understand all right so hopefully we'll be seeing you on this show but most important I mean the people know about Vinnie Kurt I first time I even knew about fucking Billy I seen him on Miami Vice he was Bruce Willis's bodyguard on one of the other episodes then I seen him on one of my favorite movies of all time 29th Street and favorite still till this day and then I met him at the comedy store and we're brothers fucking 15 he got me my first audition out on his feet I mean Vinnie's in the it was the tapes I've had him on the podcast and

I break his balls I love you Vinnie you know that right yeah same here okay you have Cuban you got the Cuban blood and you got the Rodney Dangerfield thing are you excited about doing a live podcast because you you know you always tried your hand in comedy you saw scripts in this town yeah I mean it's always an honor the work with you anywhere you know if you got a comedy job if you get a comedy job right if I say yeah I just did a show with a who's the who's that Cuban and comedian Joe Diaz all no kidding no but we were sure we can use you you got a big name okay so I try to I try to leverage our name so I can get a

job okay you're a fucking savage I love you and you know what you want to talk about this Tuesday and either stories we talked about before about the little boy I mean your boxing career anything about Sinatra I mean like I said you have a thousand fucking stories so yeah that was that was funny I was fighting I was fighting in Madison Square Garden if you want me to tell that I was I was fighting and they called me up they called me up they said these these these I say Paisanos they called me up and said they had a kid that they want you know they want to go to business okay so I fight this guy in the garden and and and

I'm a block and slip and slide but I'm not from no punches because anyways and you know Sinatra walks in what a guy named Jelly Rizzo they sit down they said isn't this the kid that you go sit this is the kid that thought um Vita went to film in Vegas because we make we talked to this kid he goes my mom was here it looks like he's handcuffed so he sent the guy Jelly Rizzo and found out that I was doing something for the bow and from New York and he goes he never liked that guy he goes tell the kids go in go in tell you so they come to me in the seventh you know the fifth round and he says he goes hit when I

said just came five rounds my car I went berserk I went out the sixth round I hit him a shot he went flying right and I start banging away and all of a sudden we clenched I look wingside and there's the bull I'm gonna kill you right here you motherfucker why don't they make up their minds I didn't know they weren't together anyways I come down the stretch and I get a draw I don't lose and you know and Sinatra you know I'm in my dressing room was always hilarious Sinatra you know they bang on my my door and all of a sudden the guy comes in he goes our kid it was Jillian another guy you know he's his kid he goes

on Sinatra once yeah I said yeah tell him my limb was on the other side of the garden I gotta get the hell out of here like all of a sudden this guy that knew he's you know he's a pretty serious guy come in he goes the guy wants to see you I said I'll be right there I said I wasn't coming right anyways I go we go to this place called of the wall the walled-off Astoria I always forget the name the walled-off Astoria to the top floor the walled-off Astoria walking there was these big doors they opened the front doors a big suite he sit in a grand piano with his tie open put a drink on the on the piano and to the

right was his wife Barbara and you know blonde lady and there was another guy named Irving Cutler sat there he was one of the band members and he goes what are you doing yeah I said what are you doing I said yeah I said but buddy you have no idea right so it took me it took me to they took me to Palm Springs was house and the strangest thing happened when I was in this house you know I finally realized how the other half lives so that was Friday night I don't know excuse me was Monday night and he says uh it's Monday night football what hot dog what kind of hot dogs we want right so he sent he sent one of the

guys to the store in Palm Springs to get some hot dogs for the foot you know for the Monday football and he didn't like him so he sends his private jet to lots of dogs that he wanted when he went when he went and put the hot dogs at the table I felt like a desperado I wanted to dive in 87 of them because they had to be worth but the jet fuel right like a hundred fifty bucks each I swear to God I can't believe it he sent he sent the frigging jet to pick up hot dogs that's fucking amazing you even took one to go that way you stole one you tried to pawn one the next fucking week at all fucking hot dog

Vinnie I'm looking forward to this Wednesday night we're gonna do this up at the ice house of Pasadena call up now six two six five seven seven eighteen ninety four not you Vinnie you don't have to call you get them for free all right talk suck it I love you I'll see you Wednesday thank you for calling brother okay I love you we're gonna have a fucking great time with this guy this guy's got nine hours of story if you're in the area you know anybody call him you don't want to miss this is our first real live podcast it's like an event bring reef up bring explosives if you got a pair of Lindsay's underwear bring them

leaves on the sniffing you sniff your roommates on these you know I would know what you're waiting for yeah she's a great girl but I can't fucking she's living here so I would sniff her on it and sniff where the asshole is to see if she wants like the filth and just to prepare you that's I want you to start practicing I don't want you listen this black she's gonna fart in your face but she's getting pissed right she thinks it's bullshit so you might have to do a Wednesday night special treat a cold coming on a cold it's not gonna be live on new stream we're gonna tape it and put it on so we're gonna have a podcast

Wednesday morning for you to get your day started and we're gonna have a podcast for you Wednesday night which will probably excuse me which will probably be put on that weekend or something leaves fucking busy start a new job leaves a fucking set and I'm very proud of me we got to get some diet coke some burping too much from this Pepsi they're putting aspartin assumption in this and remember as always I'll be at the south what is it the south beach comedy festival was sponsored by Comedy Central tickets are online like I said they give me one fucking show but if I get halfway in they'll give me another

one I know you motherfuckers the people in Miami the people we deal with we're not like fucking planning motherfuckers we live by the day we live by today and I appreciate this but this time I need a favor and if you to get tickets so they had the second show so I'm down in Miami two days I go to Porta Saga we could smoke some dope you know I'm saying you can show me your wife's titties some guy fucking in Sacramento made his wife show me the fucking titties and asked me if you want to if you wanted her to touch my cock it's tremendous people are fucking crazy I was so fucking embarrassed if he wasn't there I love

sucking my fucking helmet but no no I'm just teasing you guys it was a great episode today Lee I loved it we talked about some shit I want people know you don't have to be fearful of nothing man if you want to do it fucking go for it email Lee he loves them when you get emails and shit Facebook Twitter Facebook Twitter email me don't forget look at every fucking you know I'm a fat fuck I'm not dying likely but I work out really hard the problem is you could work out like fucking Jesus Christ if you don't maintain your diet it just sucks you don't say so you have to really stay on your diet before you do any work

out go to a doctor see if you even built for it maybe there's a problem I got to go for a 50 year checkup I got to do something different they call me from Kaiser the other day I swear to God that's my co-insurance company that's my wife's insurance company okay I'm driving and they call me out of Jose how you doing you know this is your physician from Kaiser I'm like this is a joke like we like for you to come in they didn't say it this way but they're like to shit in a cup so we can examine your shit you're getting to be 50 oh my god I've been scared there's something wrong with my asshole I thought

it was a joke cuz they said something else except you shit in a cup and you bring it in and whatever I don't want to shit in a cup that's embarrassing I'm fucking 50 years old shit in a fucking cup I'll shit in your yard you want to pick it up and scoop it up that's your fucking predicament but shit in a cup that's disgusting you get there and I even told the lady I go is this a joke I mean you know I'm a comedian and she goes no I go you know you guys know I don't even my primary doctor it's really sad so I'll call them and set an appointment I'm gonna call Santa I'm up for the week after holy week once my

wife gets back and shit I've been taking on too much fucking blood lately they gonna suck me fucking dry fucking blood but go to honor calm after that I've been doing the shot the bone thing again strong bone bone again and since I've been traveling a lot I've been taking the immune tech yeah and I feel like a fucking million bucks I really do that that shit is hard and I break that work out up into 20 minutes on the bike 20 on the treadmill and 20 on the epileptical don't get fucking kills me oh yeah oh my joint so I've been doing the strong bone again on it's making some great stuff they just released the

kettlebell line you can't get those or 10% this kind of nose but for any other on it products go to the box put in the word church get 10% off get on the email list they'll give you specials a senior t-shirt shit like that that you can't get from anybody else on it works people and if you don't like typing you can just go to joeyds.net there's a banner for on it there's a bandit for Amazon and you get all your tickets there you go who the fuck you think you're dealing with South Beach Comedy Festival April fucking 19th I'm gonna be in Austin did you know that I didn't know what awesome fuck yeah the first week of

May I'm gonna be at Austin at the capacity comedy club I'm going back to Long Island back to Long Island back to Long Island May 18th I'm going to Lexington Kentucky oh you're gonna Philadelphia this year the summer I'm going I'm coming to see you motherfucker so somebody call me Philly ain't selling tickets you hold on cock sucker we're coming that squad Harlem we're fucking coming I'm telling you you got to lose weight for the for the barbecue and the cheese steaks oh my now let me ask you this one thing before let you go you're going to Philly I've been to Philly I've had the cheese steaks

I've only had it with the isn't it's not mozzarella what a problem the cheese was freaking me out do you get what the cheese I don't like you what are we in prison because that the provol oh god I love that and I like it when it's a little bit good steaks a little bit crispy let me tell you what I'm gonna take we get fuck Marty once I'm gonna take it a vine in Hollywood okay steak depot for a cheese steak with steak fries oh who's who loves you talks to you like Uncle Joey I think I'm gonna pass out I love it's a crystal hot sauce a little bit on the cheese take a little bit on the fries oh yeah

because I've been craving one of those lately we have to get it we'll go together and we'll get the foot long just to knock us out and then you get home and fart when you go there you leave there you close think oh yeah they have that grease and shit oh it's delicious I love steak and they're expensive they're 15 20 bucks for a sandwich but they don't fuck around oh yeah they don't fuck that's what that's what you want they don't fuck around you want the best fucking meat you don't want to be the kangaroo next thing you know you're speaking like some fucking like Russell Crowe you know I'm talking about yeah

what that shit I'm taking care of you know more you know more you gotta take good care no more California pizza kitchen no more no more I looked it up it's lettuce it's tomatoes it's little corn salsa some chicken and I can get the dressing how many calories I didn't lie didn't see that I don't know if you see the dressing and I know you like me you want to bathe it in there you could you're a little chubby fuck you bathe it all over yourself don't you when you read in chicken wings you put the blue cheese on your face oh don't you who you fucking think you're dealing with that sauce is what kills you yeah I'm

the king of it there's a place over here it's coyote okay where you go as a woman if you're in labor and you eat the salad and they guarantee you have the kid in 48 hours LA Times play where but doesn't they make a delicious fucking chopped salad with lettuce pepperoni mozzarella cheese oh I had it without the black hollers I know it's delicious but when I go home and put the points in it's like 10 fucking points for a salad your salad should not be 10 points that's true yeah that you thought I'm just trying to help you out but you want to wait once it's gonna take the same thing yeah so now I'm gonna come to omit

the mozzarella omit the pepperoni and that's not bad like a little cheese in there for you know a little flavor yeah and that's it it's a beautiful fucking week so I gave you the dates what else we got the ice house Wednesday night with Vinnie Kerto tell stories about Sinatra Sammy the bull it's an event people it's up to you what the fuck you know stay home and watch dancing with the stars and some people jumping up and down you don't give a fuck about or you come sit with uncle Joe I think that $10 tickets who are you kidding all right that's it that's all I gotta tell you it's get out there it's Monday we love

you what are we gonna close up tell me if you want to change it but since we're having Vinnie Kerto on and he spent some time with Sinatra I have come fly with me fucking 80 now we got to end with something good what do you give me something even back to the motel something okay Wednesday 6 a.m. we'll see you then cocksuckers it's a beautiful day to be alive munchies lollipops eat some of these pussy today the world is yours hit it Lee subscribe to the podcast with Donna like number fucking two thousand what's wrong with you subscribe today subscribe today we gotta get up there we gotta get to like

number fucking eat or something like that I love you guys have a great day be safe Uncle Lee tell these motherfuckers you love me give me a kiss love you guys let me see you wiggle from the joy what drop it like a motherfucker that's your fucking filthy animal oh yeah where's Rose thinking about you dirty oh shit it's Lee doing the wiggle for Papa home I just might man, try and throw this thing all night in Get her sucked from, then she'll drop some mail

So I can cut, turf and hit another hotel