Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 03/27/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #01

Episode Date: April 3, 2013

Former boxing World Champion Vinny Curto joins Joey and Lee live from the Ice House for the first live podcast. The sound is different than in studio but we had a great time. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Live from the Ice House on 03/27/2013

Everybody in this bitch gets tips. Everybody in this bitch gets tips. Everybody in this bitch gets tips. Everybody in this bitch gets tips. You excited? Yeah. All right. Well, Joey's going to come up first and talk to you guys. And then we have Vinnie Courto, the boxer.

And yeah, it's exciting. So here he is, Joey Diaz. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Keep it down, my man. Lisa Yat, the Flying Jew.

Put that podcast together every fuckin' morning. This guy puts it together. Look at him, he lost fuckin' 90 pounds. Juicin', fuckin' juicin', that's a new thing. Nobody wants to go to the YMCA. Fuck it, I eat 19 carrots every fuckin' day. And the way they sell it to you, you gotta get kale and carrots.

And you're like, yeah, yeah. And the more like cauliflower, then you put ginger, and you're like, you lost me, dog. Where's the chicken? Where's the fuckin' pizza, that motherfucker? And I even told him, if you could juice like a Big Mac, how many fat motherfuckers would juice a Big Mac? And they were like, you've been juicin',

I've been juicin', dog, because I've been juicin'. It's a Big Mac, but you didn't ask if it was a Big Mac. You just asked if I was fuckin' juicin', big goddamn difference, all right? I'd be juicin', I love all that. I'd juice lasagna and fuckin' Cuban pork chops and burritos and shit. Oh my God, a nice fuckin' jalapeno

and a burrito, juice that, drink that. You see the fire just drip out of your ass. Like butane, you ever like butane on fire? None of you motherfuckers ever lit nothin' on fire growing up with, I mean, I've been askin' people lately, no pyros here growing up, nobody. You were a pyro too, I fuckin' loved it. But you a girl, like when you were a boy and you a pyro,

you lied on fire, you tried to pee on it. And if you can't put out with the pee, fuck it, call the fire department. I don't know what happened, officer, but somebody lit a fire down there. They burnt a bunch of boxes and shit and it smells like peas burning, so you better get down there.

It's like cat or some shit that's on fire. What'd you lie on fire? What's the worst thing you lit on fire? I got to get a girl scout for lighting a tag on fire. That's my girl right there, that's. Are you Jewish? I'm Jewish. Okay.

I'm lookin' for a girl Jew that can light shit on fire, that's me and her can make a big fuckin' livin', you know what I'm sayin'? What's up? That's right, fuckin' with a little yamaganya. Shaved a little monkey, put like a starlet David on there. That's the thing. Who better than me, with a fuckin' point,

point right at your little plate right there? All right, it's Passover, huh? You gotta fuckin' do that. Where's the Jews at? It's fuckin' Passover. You should be home eatin' crackers. Lookin' out the window, thinkin' about how you're fucked up and shit,

but you're here, puttin' it together, I like it. Fuckin' Wednesday night, March Madness. I bought a big round of applause for the wait staff, workin' very hard for ya. Don't forget to tip them. Listen, half of you's a stone, we got food. What? All right, you're stone, and we got food here, so if you...

And they won't put them in a juicer, you follow me? Can you imagine nachos and a fuckin' juicer? How good they would be at night, just... Cause I wouldn't eat nachos, I'd just sit there naked and rub them on my face and on my stomach, you know what I'm sayin'? People come out, what are you doin'? Rubbin' nachos on my fuckin' balls, everything,

you follow me? Cause that's when you're really fat, like I can't wait to be 500 pounds. Like, if I was 500 pounds and rich, I'd make a YouTube video every day just me rubbin' eggs on my cock. The video would last like three minutes, YouTube would cut me off every day.

Every day I'd show like a hundred dollar bill, me lightin' it on fire, and me takin' like eggs and just rubbin' them on my fuck... Cut fuckin', it's over. Cause I think millionaires don't really fuckin' do what they're supposed to do. Like, if I was a millionaire, I'd live my life differently. Like, whether when they wanna get a Lexus

or convertible or a Beamer, fuck that shit. I'd go into slave driving and shit like that. Like, I'd get like a rickshaw, like the skinniest Chinese guy. And the valet, I'd make him run me all over, fuckin'. The 134, the 405, fuck it. Get an HOV, it's two of us, run, top, top, man. Run, Chino, run, I'd be whippin' this motherfucker.

Run, Chino, I have another one in the trunk tied up, just in case this guy twists his ankle and shit. I'd just shoot him and put the other one up in front. Get up there, cocksucker, get up there. And I'm just sayin' to Chinese guy, cause they drive rickshaws, it could be any, but I have a white guy, I don't give a fuck. I have a white guy, a German, you know me,

I don't give a fuck. I have a guy dressed up as Hitler, fuckin', and whippin' him down the 405, you cocksucker, that's what you get and shit. Right or wrong, if you were rich, would you live in a big house for what? All that air, paying for air. Every night, somebody would bathe me.

Like somebody who you wouldn't expect, like a strategist would be driving around all day. Oop, let me pull it right over. Excuse me, are you busiest evening? Here's 5,000. I want you to come over and bathe me in fruit cocktail juice, you understand? And put the cherry up my ass and put me to sleep.

No fucky, no sucky, just read me a bedtime story and give me a bath, rub my toes, you imagine that? Being 50 and somebody just rubbin' you every night with a bubble bath and shit, puttin' devil horns in, yeah. That's my dream right there, that's what I would spend my money on, not partying, I'd say, ha ha ha, look at me,

in Bulgaria, who gives a fuck, all right? I'm right here in fuckin' the valley, gettin' my balls washed with fruit cocktail juice. I love you, motherfuckers. Let's bring up the producer of this show, Lisa Yat, bad motherfucker. Thank you very much for comin' up here tonight. This is the first time we did this,

or we're doin' this, so we don't know what the fuck to expect, I mean, we're like Puerto Ricans, we don't even have juice stands, like, we don't even have fuckin' microphone stands, we gotta hold them ourselves, we're like Puerto Ricans on the floor, say hello to these people, Lee, what's happenin'? What's up, guys?

There's a couple back that they got nachos when they said juice nachos, I almost stole them. You almost what? I almost stole their nachos, they bought it right after you said that. Let me explain something, you haven't eaten in how long? 36 days. 36 days, this motherfucker is ready to eat anything,

like he's starting to hallucinate, like I was waving a finger in front of him the other day, and I could tell he was lookin' at like a chicken, like a chicken thing, you know, those things they have that you dip the fuckin' shit in. I'm gonna just tell them about the hot dog place over on Norfowlwood, that they're having in Bacon, that's where I went.

Oh, the Mexicans, oh my God. Listen, Oscar Mayer's a great man, he invented the hot dog and shit, and he put it on a bun with mustard and relish, that's great, Oscar, but that was fuckin' 1888. Then a Mexican came, Pedro came by one day, and he said, what happened if we put fuckin' Bacon on that motherfucker?

But now, if we put a slice of Bacon, like if we wrap this motherfucker with Oscar Mayer Bacon, have you had one of those at night, guys? Let me tell these motherfuckers how good they are. When you walk out of a club and you see that hot dog, man, how hard does your dick get? Cause your heart's like a pound, like you're a four, it's like you're 14 and you're about to suck some tit,

you know what I'm saying? Remember when you sucked tit, when you were 15, how excited you got, your face got red, and you couldn't thinkin' shit on your dick? Ha ha ha ha ha. We loved one of Joe's shows, and he knew where it was, like three blocks down, he parked in the red, like on the wrong side of the street,

and ran up to him, and the white, they weren't even ready yet, man, just took a look at the buns out of the car, he had the order done, and all they put like onions on it, and like pico de gallo, and holy shit. Tremendous, and if it's on Good Friday, I wait till midnight, that's how I roll. I get there at 10 to 12 and I stare him down,

you understand me? The whole fuckin' family, I want a taco, it's fuckin' 12 o'clock. I go there, and I fuck him up, cause he's got chorizo tacos, beef tacos, Langua, and Cabeza, and then he's got the fuckin' hot dogs. So I get two of each, you understand me? And that's the start off of another diet,

that's like the diet plan. They gotta take like four chorizo ones to go, cause it's Friday and Saturday, God forbid you go home, there's a good movie on that one. And you don't have no chorizo tacos, you follow me? So we took some to go that night, and I really discovered the guy about a year ago, but I really started rockin' him,

my wife got pregnant, because if you have a wife or a girlfriend that's pregnant, and you don't bring shit home, when you go home at night, you're a dead man, you follow me, that'll just fuckin' stab you when you're sleepin'. And anything, that'll eat anything, that'll eat a scab off of Puerto Rican's head,

they don't give a fuck. They'll eat a fuckin' yum-yum, burn out a hot dog, they don't give a fuck. My wife was eatin' like a savage, and I was right there knucklin' up right here, goin' donor for donor, hot dog for hot dog. We don't give a fuck in this house. Fuck Weight Watchers, they can suck my dick.

Weight Watchers never ran into that Mexican dude with the hot dogs, with the fuckin' bacon on it, that cocksucker. It's like a walking contradiction, because I really wanna be healthy, and I really wanna go to the gym every day, and I really wanna... But how can you pass up on great food?

That's the problem we have, if you're fat, don't feel like society's making fat people feel weird now. And they should, we're fuckin' annoying. Three of us on our elevator, the skinny guy has to get off, cause the bell goes on, you follow me? We're fuckin' annoying, we're fuckin' up the healthcare system,

but fuck it, those hot dogs are good. I don't give a fuck about a month in the hospital, Friday night without a hot dog, you weigh that shit right there. You're like, what do I care, when I'm 60 if they got a bag on my head? These hot dogs are good to fuckin' go, and I love to eat guys,

so I'm trying to find a happy medium, and how to eat and stay healthy, and do jumpin' jacks. I had them, I had them. I did, I almost passed out from laughing, cause he looked so cute doing them. He had them done a jumpin' jack since the eighth grade, since he took the president's test.

Let me do the president's test, remember that shit, guys? Yeah, I failed it, I failed it, I couldn't, I ain't gonna lie to you motherfuckers, and told you I got a patch, I paid for my patch, fuck that motherfucker. Then when you pay like three bucks, mommy, mommy, look what I got,

then she'd give you a 10, you're still netted seven. Who gives a fuck if you lie, you know what I'm saying? I failed that test, I could never do a pull-up, till today I can't do a pull-up. Can you believe that? No, no, I can't either. And was that the one where you could like, you sit down, and you like lean forward

to measure your reach? I'm like three feet tall, I can't, I never reach. No, no, this is the one where you had to like, do 25 jumpin' jacks, 25 sit-ups, pull-ups, fuckin', you know? Oh, I didn't have to do pull-ups. Oh, that shit, you gotta do a 25-yard sprint, it's a fuckin' nightmare. You know, and I was in shape as a kid,

I got fat later on, like when I was a kid, I was a hustler, so I had to be in fuckin' shape, and you know, you gotta jump fences, and you gotta climb through windows, stuff being a fat fuckin' being a burglary. You've never seen a fat burglary happen? You never see a fat burglary, like this guy's a fuckin' loser, this guy, what's he thinkin'?

He was born to lose, this fuckin' guy. Ha ha ha ha ha, but uh, now we've been talkin' a lot about dieting lately, and health, and you know, I'm 50, at least 24, and it's funny, when I was 24, there was always that 50-year-old guy that used to say, wait, wait, do you get old someday, and you eat a hot dog, and it takes two days

to burn it off, because that's what really happens, our metabolism slows down. We think we could still eat a whole Entomans fuckin' bread, you know? But you eat anything now that goes right to your waist, even, I go to a cake box, I go to a wine, through the epileptical, I ride the bike, but it's just fuckin' brutal.

But I just believe in being a healthy, fat guy, you know? Don't put salt in your food, drink a lot of water, walk a little bit, get your heart goin', eat those aspirins, and take your chances. It's fuckin' you, you know? Every time you order a burrito, with fuckin' chorizo in it, and now, I figured out how to cook Cuban food,

because they got recipes on YouTube, it's over. Oh my God, they got a recipe for a lobster creole, it's called langoten chilao, my parents used to make it, and I used to throw shrimp in it too, and it's like the fuckin' tomato sauce, with the green peppers, and the onions, and eight lobsters tails, and fuckin' shrimp. Oh, tremendous, with white rice and some fried bananas.

Oh my God, again, Weight Watchers has never bumped into Mr. Fried Bananas. You know, Weight Watchers is very limited, he only judges McDonald's, and hamburgers, and cheeseburgers, and shit like that. Is there a good place to get a Cuban sandwich? Cause I saw that, I saw a video of it, and I've been craving that for about three months.

Portos, on Brandon Glendale, or on a Magnolia Boulevard, and if you see those clapping, it's the Armenians, they're the only ones that go to, Cubans don't go to portos, you go to fuckin' portos in Glendale, it's all Armenians, I love it. It just shows you how good the fuckin' food is,

until you get flattered, you're like, wow. I heard the lines like out of the door. Out the fuckin' door, and on Christmas day, you're not gettin' in there, you gotta get there at four o'clock in the morning, and stand out in line, it's like, somebody's givin' away free blowjobs, that's what I'm sayin'. Nobody ever gives away free blowjobs,

you ever notice that shit? Like, come, the first hundred people, get their dicks up, come by your windows, or something like that, you follow me? I gotta fuckin' get that shit, like that's a marketing tool right there. First hundred people get that, no, first hundred people get their name entered

to get their dicks up. That's a no brainer, right there. Cause that's for real, like, if you take a girl on a date, that's a lottery ticket, but you're paying a lot of fuckin' money for it, you know what I'm sayin'? You don't know what's gonna happen, I may go for the tin, I may squeeze her ass.

But with a lottery ticket, you bet a dollar for a blowjob, that's not that bad. You lose so what I lost, I'll sign up again tomorrow, you know what I'm sayin'? It's just a dollar for a blowjob, you follow me? Then you could trick them, you could show up like with a chick with like a hole in her throat, like that, I gotta find one of those here,

I didn't see one of them in Jersey. Now, in your, in your coke case, would you have done that trick with a hole in the throat? In a fuckin' heartbeat, that was. I would've fucked her and picked her up by the hoof, just that. Oh my God. And then I would've picked her up by the pussy hoof

and hit her in the throat. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you like that, Paro? You like that, huh? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, why they don't hit you in the neck, you know what I'm sayin'? Why don't you put it in my mouth? No, I just wanna hit the fucking neck.

And she's tryin' to, you tie her hands, that's what you do. So she's tryin' to reach for it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, whether that boy know, I'm gonna put in your fucking throat, you dirty boy. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

we're definitely gonna go to hell for that one, Lisa. But. How many animals have you had today? A bunch. I had a cheese cookie, the Anti Dolores Cheese Cookies are 180 milligrams. And they taste like Lipton Soup, the chicken soup with the little fuckin' things.

It don't even taste that good. I guarantee if you take the cookie and put it in a bowl of hot water, it turns into fuckin' chicken soup. I ate one of those, I got pretty fucked up, I wasn't a bad mood, I took a nap. Cause that's what happens, if you didn't have one, take a nap, it ruins it.

For yeah, you wake up. I know, cause you know. Cause you give me the fuckin' your dose, and I've been smoking for like a year. Oh, I get this guy fucked up. But he's a soldier, he keeps coming back for more, he takes the best with the banana bread that day, that he was breaking it up.

That was the funniest thing we did in the national anthem. And I gave him a piece of banana bread and he was breaking it like a coke rock. He's smearing it on his hands, I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I mean, I go, eat that fuckin' thing, Lee. Stop smearing it all over your hands. I don't like how it tastes,

but you drink those kale fuckin' shakes, that kind of thing. A normal piece of bread, and you squish it, it turns into a ball, and I thought it would go down easier, but there's so much weed in it, it doesn't do it, it just breaks apart. It's like a bud. I swear to God, the banana bread breaks up like a fuckin' bud.

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Cause alpha brain will, you snort that shit, you go fuckin' crazy. Fuck yeah, you grind it up with some. You get some alpha brain, you put some baking soda, shake that motherfucker up, smoke it out of a cracked pipe, you'll be a new fuckin' man. You watch law and order on that shit right there.

You used to say that you would give girls like ground up aspirin? If you were doing it today, would you give them ground up alpha brain? Fuck yeah, that'll get them going. Cause seriously, girls come over three in the morning, they wanna do your coke, and they wanna like fuckin' hold on to that bra.

You gotta lose that bra, you wanna do some coke here. You gotta do something here, you're showing up on the fuckin' mooch program, you gotta do something. You gotta walk around with your thong on or something. So they wanna show up all fuckin' sisterly, so I give them aspirin, I don't give a fuck. I'll take bare aspirin, I'll shrub that shit up.

One time in New Mexico, I was shooting along this yard, and I fuckin' met this girl, and she's like, let's get some coke, and I swear to God, I crushed up like 10 of those fuckin' aspirins. And I had coke, but I was holding it to me, just like, just like, and I did the whole thing, like I put the phone on vibrate,

and I was like, hello, oh my God, who's this, Noriega? I'll be right downstairs. Noriega's downstairs, and I came up, and I had already, I may believe I pissed, and I'd take the aspirins and crush it up, and put it like little fuckin' bubblegum wrapper, like aluminum foil, so I had it in my pocket, but I had the good stuff too, but I had the aluminum,

I came up, I laid the whole, it was like a mountain of aspirin. And she's like, you do a line first, and I go, pfft. This shit is tremendous. So she did two lines of fuckin' coke while this aspirin, I swear to God, like two lines, she's like a third big line, and she's lookin' at me, and she's lookin' at the porno,

and her hips started movin', right? I'm like, this aspirin's on fire! And I just finished the aspirin, I'm like, fuck it, she's gettin' off on the aspirin, why fuck it up for her? You know what I'm sayin'? I'm not gonna give her the good stuff and throw her off, I just gave her, then I gave her like two lines at the end, I was like, because I felt bad.

You got it, you got it, you gotta fuck around, you know what I'm sayin', you just can't, you just can't give them what they want, then they take advantage, you know what I'm sayin'? You know, I used to do a podcast before I started with this one, and we used to have guests on. And one of the best, I mean, one of the best guests I ever had on that show, that we had to stop the podcast,

and look at each other and see what the fuck was goin' on, was this next gentleman. And I've always wanted to save him for somethin' good, I haven't even put him on the church yet, that's how good he is, cause I knew he wouldn't do justice to an interview on the phone. I've had a lot of people interview on the phone,

the guy I'm bringin' up is one of the, he was a welterweight champion, I mean, he's from Boston, this guy's a bad motherfucker, he's supposed to fight Haggler, I mean, he fought Vito, I had to firm all his records, speaks for himself, he won the title when he was 44 fuckin' years old. After you motherfuckers are 30

and you can't even walk to the fuckin' store. And this guy was 44, so it's a pleasure to me, and he got me my first audition ever in this town. He played Bruce Willis' bodyguard on Miami Vice on the first season, which, a bad fuckin' episode. And he was also on one of my favorite movies of all time, 29th Street. I'm gonna bring him up to the stage now.

Mr. Vinnie Courtault, where you at, brother? Oh! I'm doing great! I'm doing great! Yeah! Aw! Yeah! What's up, buddy?

Little hot-head, baby. What's up, baby? Tell me something. Sit over here, next to Uncle Joey. How are you, my friend? Oh, it was a lot better this afternoon, okay? What'd you do this afternoon? I don't know.

I feel right at home with these fucking lights on my face. Oh, holy shit. So tell me your full name. I'm not gonna say nothing. I take the fucking fifth, freak you. What does he say in Godfather 2? When he goes, you know, what'd you do for the family? Bumpers, what does he say?

I did bumpers, whatever. The family had a lot of bumpers. Buffers, that's the word, buffers. Buffers, buffers, yeah. So tell us your name. My name is Vinnie Cardone. Where were you born? I was born in Boston, Massachusetts.

Nationally? I'm Italian, Cubano, and I'm Italian and Cuban. When did you start boxing? I started fighting when I was, I actually had gloves on when I was two years old. And it was really funny. My father used to tell everybody, he was a drunk. He used to drink, drink, drink,

drink all the money, drink everything. He'd tell everybody, I have my sons in the next champ, my sons in the next champ. I'd be under a bench in the bar, and he'd tell the bartender, yeah, he's going to be a champ here. Hey, I was going to bring him upstairs. He'll tell if he's any good.

You know, it was a really rough challenge. I don't want to make anybody get sad here, but this is what it is. Anyway, so there we are. Climbing, forward, and he fights the steps. And each landing, my father drinks it. A little bit of a secret seven, right? And we get to this big door on the fourth floor,

a big racket going on. I opened the door, right? And we fell into this place with a beehive activity. There was two guys hitting the speed bags. There was two black fellows boxing. There was four Puerto Rican guys hitting heavy bags. There was a beehive activity. And I was shitting my pants because my father

was the master of the guys in the street. I figured I'm going to get fucking killed here professionally. Two guys that were boxing, they were in hard, fast, and with precision. Something I wasn't ready for. So my father passed out in the road down the table. I was so fucking happy, right? And I was watching, and I was watching these guys box.

And unbelievable, when the bell rang to end the round, they hugged each other. They kissed each other on the cheek. Everybody at ringside gave them compliments. And this light glowed within me. And I had this look on my face against this black fellow. Never forget him, Freddie Small. First guy saved my life.

Say, kid, you want to do this? I said, I don't have any money. He says, show up. That's payment enough. I want to every day make myself good because of the reaction I get. I lived off the adulation of people that I trained with. And lo and behold, 28 years later,

I fight for three world championship. And I won one of my final attempt at 41 years of age. Holly! Holly, shit. Holly. Holly. Holly.

Holly. Holly. Holly. Holly. Holly. Holly. Holly. Holly.

Holly. Holly. Holly. Holly. Who was your first fight against? My first pro fight was against a guy named Victor. Taco Perez. It was a name.

It was a name. It was in Miami. I turned pro at Angel Dundee in Miami, the Fifth Street gym, the world famous Fifth Street gym. And I stopped him in the fifth round. It was a six round fight. And that was amazing because you have no idea. I was down in Miami.

And I was starving. I was living on the beach. I was sleeping on the beach, waiting for this guy to come and see me. I fought on the Olympic team. And I fought in Miami. And the guy comes in the dressing room. And he goes, hey, here's my top.

My name is Angel Dundee. This is what I like what I saw out there. Plan A don't work. You go to plan B. The problem with most fighters they don't have plan A. So I said, yes. I took him up enough to get out of the Navy. I went down there. And I was there for two weeks.

Angel wasn't around. He was at least somewhere. And I was starving. And I used to eat out of a garbage, what do you call it? A garbage bin in the back of this restaurant called the Famous Restaurant on Washington Avenue. And I was going to the gym. Finally, Angel comes to the gym.

And he goes, hey kid, I want to see you work today. I was so freaking happy. Finally, I'm going to get my chance. He could have put me in with King Kong, right? Anyways, I get in there with this black fella. He starts throwing a little jab, a little slow jab. I come over the top, boom, boom, boom. And he throw another slow jab.

And I come up, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I hit him with another combination. All of a sudden, he unloads on me. We were loading. Everybody's jumping in the ring. I said, hey, fuck him. What are you doing? I said, what the hell are you doing?

He goes, he just boxes Jimmy. I said, Jimmy, I was just here. Jimmy, I was just here. I just boxed with the farm. I had to go to each half of the world. I was so freaking hungry, right? And I proved, that's where I made my bones. Next thing you know, Angel doesn't get me a hotel room.

I got a Wolfies, it's like Denny's here. Wolfies, it's a restaurant. I signed my name and I ate. And it was really amazing. And my career style. But here I am, I don't know if this is doing any good, but here I am to tell you the story. And I've been with numerous stars.

I'll tell you the story if I get a chance, right? About St. Louis and Stallone. And you'll never believe my dealings with that guy. Anyways, make a long story short. I'm in Miami at the Fifth Street Gym, the world famous Fifth Street Gym. I'm training, and a fight's supposed to happen at the auditorium, and one guy pulls out,

and a guy, Richie Giketti, comes to me, he had Larry Holmes, he comes to me, he goes, hey kid, you wanna fight, you wanna fight, wanna fill in? I said, buddy, you kiddin', I'll do anything right now, right? Boom, he's all right. So I fight, I fight this real tough kid, from, I don't know where he was from,

but he was a Mexican, he counted me, he said to me before the fight, and I'll never forget this. He says, I go, I'm gonna pray for you, you know. I said, don't pray for me, pray for your fucking self. What are you talking about? I said, I'm gonna go in there and break your fucking head, what are you, nuts? I said, I pray for me, right?

Anyways, he was a bonding and Christian out of prison, anyways, make a long story short. Yeah, I mean, it's fine, you know, and it was so funny, I did my homework, you know, when you fight, there's records and everything, right? I'm looking for this guy, I'm looking, right, right. I said, you know something, at the weigh-in, I said, you know, where have you fought for the last five years?

I said, where have you been for the last five years? He said, I've been doing five years, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, this guy was right, been ready, and he came to fight, and of course, he was chewing nails and picking dumbbells up all the time, and fighting those guys, he was a pretty guy,

he was fighting the guys, looking to do something, whatever, I'll tell you, but I'll war I had, and I fought the fight of my life, and my career started, and next thing you know, I wrap off 30-something straight wins, I fight the Midway Chamber of the World, and manage the Great Guardian, a 10-round, non-title fight with a guy named Rodrigo Valdez, you ever heard of the guy from Columbia?

Yeah. Hey, well, one to two foot, okay. Well, here was this. This is 1974. Half of these motherfuckers weren't even born. I was 11. I was 11. So I'm in this old folks home now,

and this one lady, she likes it, but she walks with two canes. Anyways, I was talking about getting laid, I couldn't, you couldn't, we think about it, that's what we have to orgasm when we think about it. But anyways, so I get with Stallone, great Stallone's the fight, he loved it, he jumped over, it was so funny, I'm in the ring, I'm saying this guy's still on I'm supposed to be fighting van. Why don't the fucky come in the corner like everybody else, right?

He waited till after I won the fight, right? And he jumped over the fucking top strand he picked me up on the show. I'm looking at Richie's kid. I don't want to break this guy's head, right? And Richie's laughing. He goes, go along, go along. He's a big name, right? So I'm fighting with him. Make a long story short. We had a big fallen out, which I made up with him recently, actually, recently. I ran into him. That's another story, anyways. And I made up with him. And so I met after I fought on TV, Caesar's Palace. It's like the main event at Caesar's Palace, right? On ESPN. In fact, I'm the feeding kid from Cincinnati. What a war. I got busted open and everything, right? Make a long story short. I'm looking for Sly. I told Richie, it's Richie. Where's, uh, so Sly goes, uh, well, he left. I said he left, right?

Well, where's my money? I want to get paid. I fought a war. It's a while around. He says, uh, well, Sly got it. I said, well, how am I going to do anything without having money? He goes, well, you have to talk to him. I dragged him right through the casino by his throat, brought him to the window where they, where they, where they have the money there. I said, now get me $5,000, right? All of a sudden, the security swooped in on me, right? I said, all right, you guys. I gave you my hot and soul in there tonight. He said, shoot him, Mr. Girl. I said, and I'm going to tell you what. And if I fight you guys, you're probably going to get me, but I'm going to take two or three years fucking with me. I'll tell you that. I said, but this prick is going to pay me. I didn't get paid tonight. They left my money. They let go of me and let go of him. He said, Richie, you're on your own. He stopped. Give me a marker. Give me a marker. Give me a marker. Give me $2,000. Give me $5,000.

Give me five frigging thousand. I take the $5,000. Tell Sloan kiss my ass, right? So I'm outside. My eyes bleeding. I'm outside. She's positive. What the fuck just happened? Right? It's not a wild 12 round fight. What a beast, right? I beat the guy. The guy leaves with my money. Big fucking star. Mr. Vustong. Wait until I won. He jumped over the fucking top strand and picked me up on his shoulders. He got the glory that I didn't get. I was pissed off, right? I wanted the money, right? Anyways, and this guy comes up to me. The man that's been having right now, Bernardo Mercado from Columbia. He fought it anyways. He's the star. He's like, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no things in the class related to the

education policy the employment partnerships have come a long way to come here,ato no, no, no And so she said, she brings over the contract, I sign the contract, and a fucking broad comes over, right? With a suitcase, opens it up, has a fucking money counter, and I'm sitting there, I can't believe in this black fella that was with me. He wasn't allowed in the rents, but what do you call it, he was so special. He went to my buddy's, there was Gilmore, I said, she goes, now Vinnie, to sign that

contract, we're going to give you a 24-hour pass. I looked at Gilmore, I said, what the fuck is she doing with me, he goes, he goes, Kerto. That's like all you can eat for 24 hours. I said, I'm sorry, I come down to the fucking Mustang Ranch, I go into the front door, and this lady comes, heavies up, she goes, you must be the fighter, oh, you said cock, you go in man, I said, what are you fucking, I just thought 12 fucking rounds with a guy wearing my eyes bleeding, I come down and have some fucking thoughts, I said, what the fuck is wrong with you?

He was, suck what? Suck cock. Oh my God. Fuck what I do. What the fuck is wrong with you, right? So I said to her, I said, you won't know, I have to know everything you like, you like posing in a laundry, I said, what are you a fucking nut, I said, I'll tell you what, I'm not in the fucking wagon here, you fucker.

She goes, no, no, I have to know everything you like, so I said, I don't know. She calls the first line, the first line comes, I said, wow. She goes, wait a minute, wait a minute, she goes, the special line, the fucking special line, where do I give a shit, right anyway, another 15 girls, these are a lot better, so I said, okay, this one, no, wait a minute, that one there, that one there, no, that one, no, no, I said, wait a minute, she says, all of you, they all escorted me into this thing called the orgy room, the fucking orgy room, anyway, so I have this fantasy, I'm a sick fucking puppy, I have this fantasy, right, that the big broad fights with the little

broad over me, the little broad wants me and the big broad wants me, and the big broad smacks the little broad around, right, but all of a sudden the little broad gets the gum shut up, she hits the fucking big broad, knocks her out, then I get, you know, then she wins, but I fuck the loser, that's my fucking, that's my fantasy, but I'm a sick bastard, anyway, so we going through this stuff and this broad comes in, right, this fucking broad comes in, right, she's dressed in whips and chains, and I'm bleeding over the fucking thing, I'm bleeding like a pig for the thing, they didn't show me up, I ran out, I jumped on a fucking plane, I got there, right, I'm bleeding like a pig, and she comes up on

a whip, she smacks my food, she's now, you're gonna listen to me, I say, hey lady, lady, I just fought 12 rounds, please lady, don't fucking smack me, especially my fucking kind of bleeding, you listen to me, I said, lady, lady, all right, I'll go along with this, I'm going to sit a little bit, there's this fucking guy, right, playing with himself, I go, who the fuck is that, who the fuck is that, who the fuck is that, who the fuck is that, right, and all of a sudden he's going, no, no, no, no, I said, what am I doing, I said, all of a sudden the girl comes around with the fucking whips, she comes around, she smacks me up, boom, I said, that did it, boom, I hit him, he's fucking stuck, right

over the fucking camera, right, the fucking, the fucking security, the fucking security school cinemas, what the fuck does he expect, I said, this fucking kind of hit me in my eyes, I can hit by a profession, I can hit by some cunt, what's the change, you gotta fucking dominate me, you fucking cunt, I've been fighting for years, trying to get a world championship, y'all gonna fucking dominate me, who the fuck are you, you fucking cunt, you fucking cunt, you fucking whore, anyways, so I go back to the ranch, I'm there for a couple weeks, I gotta tell you this, I'm there for a couple weeks, so I'm in, I'm in, you know, now I'm getting to know the whores and everything else, right, you know, I like

everybody else, everybody got a job, they do, you know, they do different things for work, but that's what they do, right, you know, some of them have pimps, the fucking pimps can't come on the place, that's what they have guys like me there for, anyways, yeah, they're just like everybody, they just have a job, right, anyways, I'm sitting now in the kitchen, listening to some fucking whore's story about our kids, this dad, she had a family, her husband don't like what she's doing, but she makes way more money than him, and I'm trying to make sure, all of a sudden Jeanne comes running, oh Vity, we have a promise, Jeanne, that was the main thing, tell me, what do you want, do you suck dick,

do you do this or that, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right, she goes, we have a problem, my god, one of our biggest customers here, and we have the satisfaction, but we don't do guys, right, but we don't have people that don't do girls, right, I said, what are you fucking talking about, she was here for his wife to be serviced, I said, and what the fuck do you want me to do, I'm a fighter, I'm not a fucking whore, is that his wife, no fucking problem, I'm a fucking whore, I'm a fucking whore, I'm a fucking whore, I'm a fucking god, she was like six foot one, she was like 19, 20 years old, which for me, that's diapers, but anyways, this one here, I'm saying I'm not

ruining my finest fucking moments, I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck, I'm sorry, I can't mean to be a fighter, I end up a pimp, I'm not a pimp, I end up a fucking whore, right, I was a whore when I was a fighter, never mind a fucking whore doing this, so I said, what the fuck, so we go inside, right, we're not husbands there, so I said, you know something, I can block out anything, I've had problems in my life you would never believe, right, so I said fuck it, so I jump on him, we start kissing on him, we get him, and he's in the back of me, I say, hey, whoa, whoa, pow, pow, like a hammer, right, that's a pow, pow, pow, back the fuck up, let me tell you this buddy, if I feel any warm fucking

cross on me, I'm gonna break your fucking head right now, I swear to God, I'll put right here, he goes, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, I said right, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin it, don't ruin

That gives me fucking 2,500 bucks. I felt like a real fucking whore. I did. And a kid, Gilmore, I started to keep this Gilmore in the bucket, he goes, Colonel, I heard you right now, right? I said, Gilmore, it's not fucking funny, I said, let's go spend this somewhere, I don't even want the fucking money, right? So we're driving, right? We're driving, we're going to this other whorehouse that he knows, it's called the, the KitKat, the KitKat. I don't know what he played again, what the fuck, right? Anyways, so, so, we're driving over there, and all of a sudden, we swoop into the fucking, the oncoming cops, what the fuck, I look at him, he's, he's fucking on drugs, like, like, clapped, woo, woo, woo, woo, oh shit, he goes,

Colonel, don't worry, I'll be like one of Jerry's kids, no, he'll ride with the fucking cab, right? Then they grab, the fucking cop comes over and he hits him in the fucking head, well, it's like, boom, his foot just fucking, and I jump out of the car, I say, As you motherfuckers, you're real tough with that fucking battle. All right, the guy's high. You have to hit him like that. He goes, yeah, I know who the fuck you are. He goes, that's Mustang Ranch vehicle.

He's going to jail. Now, you're going to get a ticket for insubordination in public. He goes, and if you don't bring the fucking car back, we're going to take you in, too. I said, you want to know what those batch of sticks you're too fucking, you're tough guys, but you're too fucking tough. So he rushed me to take you, right?

So two weeks later, I'm going through the metal detectors in the courthouse of Las Vegas, right? Who's standing there in the two fucking cops, right? Two fucking cops, right? I said, oh, it's a tough guy with the batch, with a guy's high. He can't even walk, and you crush this fucking skull. Two fucking cunts. The one guy got so mad, he went, boom, he hit me in the face.

Then came the left hook, boom, and his buddy came, his partner, boom, the right hand made the cross on the floor. Like, cut to, cut to, I go into the holding tank. Who's there with a bandage on his head? Gilmore. He says, Kurtle, welcome to the Gray Bob Motel. He said, fuck you, Gilmore. Look at my problem with Gray Bob Motel.

Now, I'm in fucking, I'm going to get like six bucks for hitting these fucking cops, don't believe me. So anyways, they call Gilmore out before the judge. You can't see the judge. Call him up, we're listening, right? And he goes, he goes, he goes, your honor, I work for, joking foot, he goes, be quiet in my courtroom. He goes, your honor, I work for the Mustang,

where he goes, 30 days, contempt of court, I don't want to hear that shit no more. Now, before I get started with any of the cases, I'm so angry. He says, bring me in this fucking courthouse right now. Guys that like to hit my fucking police officers on the street, I want that fucking guy right now, right? So, you know, my hands and knees, and I pray, and I pray,

and I get up and I say, I want to know what? You've always been in my corner. I fucking need you this time. I go up before the judge, gets through the fucking judges. That same guy that paid me the bangles fucking what? Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Howdy ladies and gentlemen, how's the thingy, the thingy? I said, how you doing, your honor? He goes, oh my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, he says, with the two officers involved on the occasion, please approach me and say, what the fuck are you doing? Fuck you, he fucking broke my fucking nose, I ain't gonna, he goes, let me tell you something,

for me to my champions, the valuable, the Mustang fans provides a valuable service in this community. A guy gets up in the morning, he's gonna kill a fucking cop. You know what I said, fucking cop, right? He goes, he gets angry, he goes, gets the gun, he knows how he's gonna do it. He's driving, he sees the needle, he goes,

you know what, let me check out the Mustang ranch. He pulls down, he goes, it gets laid, right? He's calm, cool, goes home, falls asleep, and a fucking cop lives today, you fucking idiot. He's like, get the fuck out of my office. Thank you, Ronnie. The story of my life. I take the pleasure in hanging with the fucking best, bro.

And, you know, this is it, this is what life is about, man. But you know, it's not always been that bad for me. You know, when I was a kid, my father used to, my father was a bad alcoholic, my mother was a lesbian, and my father was gay. True story, I'll tell you. That's funny, I know, but true fucking story. He used to be his boyfriend,

he used to see her girlfriend all the time. Anyways, make a long story short, and they got married back then to appease normal societal practices, right? Back then, yeah, back then, my grandfather was one of them, boom, I can start over again, right? And that's what he would have did. My mother said the same thing.

Anyways, he said, he said to me, he goes, asshole, come in here, that was my name. If you call me a Vinny, come here, I wouldn't fucking answer all of them. It's true story, man. Anyways, he used to say, here's the 38 Levolts, pick it up. I said, no, I don't want to pick it up. Pick it up, I said, pick it up.

Now put it to your head, put it to your head. You know, if you're not a champ of the world, right? You take this gun on one leg, and you put it there, and you pull that fucking trigger, and that bolt's gonna into your brain, ricochet, mash it, everything in his pack. You don't win the title, you pull that fucking trick. I went on this lifelong journey

in trying to do everything in my power, not to put that fucking gun to my head. I made a long story shot. I got three shots of the world title, two shots of the world title, and my third attempt, on my final attempt at 41 years of age, I was, you know, I spoke to a guy named Jose Suleiman,

who's the president of WBC, and he told me, I'm gonna give you a shot, because you go on the road, you fight these six, seven fights, you have to win every one of them, and then you have this world boxing, Federation Cruiserweight title, we're gonna give you a shot at. Now, you lose one fight, one fight, on the way over,

he said it's over, and you get a call box, he called in the night, you had a great career, right? So, I fight two, three fights, and I win them all, and then I go to this one place in Boise, I stand out there, there's a little kid with a sign, said, Vinnie Curter, would you please sign my poster? So, I walk over, I said, well, I got a fan, I have one of them, right?

I said, well, I got a fan, right? He says, he goes, would you sign my poster? I said, sure, I said, I'll see you inside, he goes, oh no, we only could afford the gas to get here. He said, we can't afford tickets to go in there. I said, oh really, it's with him and his father? Put him in front row seats, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I fought the fight, I fought the fight, and I won the fight, and I took pictures with the kid, I hugged him, kissed him, he really touched me, right? And I gave him a hundred, I think it was a hundred something dollars I gave him for his pocket, because they paid me a little money, I gave it to him, right?

Yeah, he took the money, now I'm in another part of Idaho, and I'm fighting. Now, when I was, two cities before, I was in the gym boxing, I was in the gym training, and I saw these two guys boxing. One guy was a kid that was green, and another guy was beating the shit out of this kid. He was hurting him real bad, I said, hey, whoa, whoa, pal.

Lighten up, this guy don't have any experience, what are you doing? He was mind-blowing, fucking business, right in the middle of the building, I said, no, no, that's my business, I took the guy who was killing, out of ring, I had pants and shoes on, I just went out there, put the gloves on,

I gave this guy a vicious fucking beat. I said, how the fuck do you like it, right? Anyways, his father, his father was one of the heads of the WF, you know, he was working with so much, I didn't know that, anyways. So, I go to fight in this one other city, I go to fight in this one other city, and I see, they said that this fight

has been changed from 10 rounds to four rounds, and I've never fought a four round fight in my life. And I think, what the fuck is that? And I looked ringside, there's the father, talking to everybody, right? And he said, well, the idiot don't realize that I'm gonna end up just go out there and blast this guy out,

because for four frigging rounds, I'll fight like an animal for four frigging rounds, but he's an idiot, which I did, I dropped him twice, and in the last round, he almost didn't make it, but he made it, and then 20, you know, half an hour to get the decision, and boom, I lose the fight. My chance for the world championship was over,

and I bowed my head, I couldn't believe it, and the father was smirking and smiling. I get out of the ring, and there's that little kid, that I gave the hundred bucks to. He goes, Mr. Cordo, he says, here, here's the tape. Go show everybody you really won. He bought a camera with that hundred bucks I gave him, and he took the film of my fight, this is a true story.

And he said, go, I says, oh my God, I took the tape, grabbed my stuff, and I drove all the way to fucking New Orleans. I got there late, I stopped in my car tonight, I get up, and I was late, I run in, and Mr. Suleyman would just end in the WBC convention. He's Mr. Cordo, I run in, and Mr. Suleyman, he goes, Mr. Cordo, we had a deal,

one fight, because you're a rage, it's over. I said, I got a tape here. A little kid took my fight. I said, if you think I lost this fight, right, I'll quit, I'll go home, I'll retire. They viewed the tape, and they couldn't believe they were outraged, right? He said, they sent word back,

they said, now you never get another WBC fight up there, and they gave me my shot to go up there, and I fight for the world championship. I went up, the boys had a whole Lincoln, Nebraska, and I fought for the world, the WBF Cruiserweight title, and fought a very difficult 12 round fight, and many, many years before that, this girl came to me, and she says, I'm pregnant.

I said, yeah, blame the other 22 guys who would get another WBC fight. I said, I really don't want them to do with that, but it's a nice try, okay, sure, I'm never gonna see this, all right, I fight with the fight, and I'm fighting this fight, and I'm fighting a battle, and then the fourth round, this guy crunches me, boom, and I start sinking, I start sinking,

and I hear, I hear in the background, get off the fucking ropes, sounds just like my father, right, it's like, I listen, I get off the fucking ropes, I come down the stretch, and I'm in the world championship, right, I come down the stretch, I hear him, I say, wow, my father, he's with me, that perk is with me, anyway, anyway, anyways, anyways, I'm in the dressing room, I got a knock on the dressing room,

this kid, six foot seven, handsome kid, like it was Aiken Seiko, but he was two inches tall, and his father, he goes, wow, he goes, wow, he goes, great job, I say, thank you, buddy, I says, really pleasure, he goes, you wanna know what? He says, I followed you my whole life, and show me this scrapbook, look like mine, right? He says, and let me tell you something, he goes,

I'm so proud to be your son, I said, what? He says, yeah, my mother told you one time that she has a baby, she said, that was me, and she kept all your records, and his mother since passed away, and he showed me all the records. What the fuck, everybody cries. He's my buddy, he's my buddy,

that was the guy she was talking about, and boy oh boy, what a ride my life is at, and it's been a real pleasure to try and entertain you guys, I was trying to be funny, but you know, I don't fuck you fall and act like that, what the fuck? I, I, I, you know, like, Lee and I had spoke, Lee's been bugging me about a live podcast for a fucking year, and like, Lee, knock it off, they're uncomfortable, and when he, when we had these dates here, I said, Lee, I can't tell no more fucking stories, I can't

write them as fast as I'm telling them. So he goes, let's do a live podcast, and I'll tell you guys, I, I, I wanted to give you a podcast that live that I knew for a fact I could count on somebody, and this is it. Yes. For me, this was it. And this is just, you know, and, and, and yeah, man, you know, if I was where he was right now telling these stories, I'd break down and cry every fucking 10 minutes because

I can't believe it, my fucking goddamn cell. I mean, I'm going to go home now tonight, and I'm going to go home and I'm going to fucking roll the joint and smoke and brush my teeth, and then, and then I'm going to go put the TV on, there's not going to be anything on, but before I go to bed, I'm going to walk into a room, and I'm going to kiss a little baby, that's my daughter. I'm 50 fucking years old. I had a wife, I had a kid, nothing, all this shit in my life, what the, you know, comedy being broke, living in a fucking car and getting towed, my apartment getting towed,

and you, and you look at this kind of shit, and you sit here, you know, he just showed us a thing of his belt, him with his belt on, the Cruiserweight belt, and he had three guys and I'm hugging him, and he said, all three of these guys are dead. I'm the only one here. What do you think this fucking guy feels like? So when you get to that point in your life, you're like, I'm on a journey. I'm on a journey to help somebody. This is weird.

I wasn't supposed to make it to 25, nevermind 30, then 35. When I hit 40 guys, I thought a building was going to land on my fucking head. I wouldn't walk under buildings, I'd walk in the street next to cars, so if a building came down, you know, when I got a movie or something, I always look around like a plane is going to land or something. When I take off on a plane every weekend, I'm like, this is the day I die and fuck it. It's been a great run. I'm in the eighth row.

You know what I'm saying? It could be worse. That could be an expedient in the back with fucking, you know, three guys with handcuffs on. So. I also have a nightmare, I also have a nightmare, you know, and it was a thought that flashed in my head, you know, that I had an accident or something, I had a truck yell at me, and I ran into you and you were real horny that night.

Why? Why? What happened? I said, I had these flash, these flashes, these divisions in my head when you were talking of me having an accident, and I ended up with a tracheotomy, and I went into one on your hornyest fucking night. Go, go, go, go! What's a tracheotomy?

A hole in the throat? Yeah. See, I'm fucking. See, these guys are smart motherfuckers. I want to say something really quick. I know a lot of people here are my age, like in the 20s and 30s, and just listening to the stories you guys have, it's really amazing. So I mean, even just listening, it's been a real, it's been awesome.

It's been. Hey, I gotta tell you one last thing before I go. Not bad, not bad. You want to, you know, I realize in my fight career how the other fucking half lives. This is a true story. I'm fighting, I'm fighting Madison Square Garden, and a guy that's red-basted piece of shit, I'll say it, I don't give a fuck, I didn't say me the book, Ravano, right? He called me up, I was in Miami hiding from the boys in Boston, right?

He called me up and he goes, you want to do a thing with a kid up here with a kid named Willie Classins? We'll change the name, you'll make a couple of dollars, and I need money so bad, so yeah, all right. So I get up there, I'm in the ring, and all of a sudden Madison Square Garden announces that Jack Granby says, and then this corner weighing 160 pounds, and he looked at me and looked at me and he goes, Vinny Kerto, right? Now I gotta fucking lose the fight on my name, right?

But you're gonna fucking kill me anyways, and I fight the fight anyways. I fight this fight, I fight this fight, and I'm losing the fight, the people are booing, they want to kill me, they want to, oh, they're threatening me and everything, Puerto Rican is it, they're fucking nuts, right? They're threatening me, I don't fucking give a, anyway, so I go back to the corner, I'm sick, and they go, what the fuck's wrong with you, there's no fucking law against fighting back, there's a lot of them feel too good, all of a sudden, I come back up to the fifth round and they start clapping, I said, what the fuck did they clap for?

I asked the guy in my corner, Jim, what did they clap for? He goes, not you, you fuck, right? And then he goes, you know, Sinatra just walked in, so Frank Sinatra walked in, right? So he walked in, oh shit, I met him a couple days ago, shut the fuck up, you gotta fight in front of everyone, anyways, so I'm fighting, and he sees me, one round, I'm throwing the fight right, Sinatra's just for the guy, Jilly Rizzo, this guy's hanging with him all the time, he goes, go see what's going on, he goes, this kid's a model this fight, he goes, man, when he fought at the front, go see what's going on, so he comes back, he

goes, he's doing the thing for the bull, Sinatra said, he goes, I never liked that guy, tell the kid it's off, so Sinatra, so Jilly comes to my corner, like, kid, win, it's off, right? So I go to my corner, what the fuck is that, fuck you, I go out there in six rounds, boom, boom, boom, the guy goes flat on the road, boom, boom, boom, I'm waiting, all of a sudden a clinch, and the champ in the bull's rink says, I'm gonna kill you right here, you motherfucker, right? I'm saying, why don't they make up their fucking minds, I didn't know they were together, right? I didn't know they were together, anyways, but honestly, I come down to the stretch,

I get a draw, I don't get a loss in my record, I won the last fight, all of a sudden, I'm in my dressing room trying to get the fuck out, I was in the guy banging on the door, Jilly, he goes, hey kid, come on, Sinatra's on there, I want to see you, I said, yeah, I told my limos in the side of the garden, I go, fuck out of here, all of a sudden this big guy that I know does a lot of work, and I did some work for him, and he's a really dangerous guy, and then he goes, you're not gonna go in, and I said, did they say it wasn't going up here at the fucking table, you're getting the fuck out of here? So we go to this place called the Waldorf Astoria, right?

I go up to this hot float, it's big fucking Mahogany doors, I was thinking about fucking pulling one of them doors, I could have grabbed five grand fucking doors, I walked in there, it's a big grand piano, white grand piano, his wife Barbara was sitting here, he was sitting at the grand piano with a drink, and I looked at him, I said, wow, he goes, yeah, he goes, what the fuck are you doing, he goes, I said, what do you know what I do, I said, look, I heard the story, give me the five minute version, I'm gonna send you somewhere, he says, I'm gonna send you somewhere, he says, but right now you have to come with me, right?

So I went and went to his house, Frank Sinatra's driving, Palm Springs, and so we're there, it's a Monday night, football night, right? So Sinatra, alright guys, there was Joey Bishop there, there was Don Rickles there, there was Dean Montan there, right, wait, and they're all sitting there, they go, yeah, what kind of hot dogs do you want guys? So the guy at the corner, they went to the corner store, they fucking hate him, so, he wanted the hot dogs and he wanted, he sends his fucking jet to fucking Las Vegas to pick up the fucking hot dogs he wanted, right, right, they fly back the hot dogs and

I'm looking at them fucking hot dogs like a fucking Desperado, how do I eat like four of these before they even see me here, I mean, they got to be worth like 500 each with the fucking jet fuel, right, the fucking jet fuel, fucking, fuck, fucking, I don't know, who would never believe, that was the, that was the time when I really saw, I sent the fucking jet to Las Vegas to pick up the hot dogs he wanted for the Monday night football, Palm Ladies and gentlemen, we just can't end it like this with a Sinatra thing, you got to tell us the story about the kid in Montreal real fast, no, no, no, so who are these people that contacted me, Michael Gouros, he says he was family to you, he used to date his

sister, oh yeah, yeah, well, this is another story, I go out with this girl, she's a great girl, a nice girl, right, and we go out for four or five years, don't hit it off, I come back and I run into a sister, right, and her sister and me hit it off real well, we're all good friends, so I end up marrying the sister, Michael Gouros, yeah, Michael Gouros sister, and I had a couple of kids with her, and he's always, he's always, you know, he was a heavy set kid, he's always gonna beat up, I used to always protect him all the time, I used to always, I tell all the guys in the neighborhood, they all know me, right, hey wait a minute, I said, see him, hands off, leave him the fuck alone, you're gonna deal

with fucking me, so he never forgot that, so I heard you, you wrote you in the podcast, I was really thrilled about that, you know. He listened to the podcast of Beauty and the Beast, and he said that you had grown up in his house, and you were like family, and that he was sad that you didn't mention him in the podcast, anything about his family. That's what he said? That's what he said, he said he was very sad that you didn't mention him, he was very special to you.

Fuck him! Fuck him! That's fucking stupid shit! That's fucking stupid shit, I just went around in the car, I wanted to fucking hoodlums, when you bother him, you're gonna fucking handle it with me, you're gonna deal with me, you're gonna deal with me, or you're gonna deal with him, which one you want, touch him, bother him, he'll tell me, he's not a rapper, for you he's gonna be a rat. What was the young kid's name?

Michael. No, the young kid in Montreal. Oh, the young kid in Montreal was Francois. Francois, you want to tell that story? I wrote, well, Sinatra, after I got, I leave, I go, check this out, I go to fucking Las Vegas, he doesn't show what Jesus tells us, and was there, and just to add to my story, the validity of it, he says, they're filming this tonight, Sinatra says to the audience, but when my six little friends carry me to my resting place, it's gonna come out, but solo, and

he made a drink, and recently, like a couple years back, this big, big, big, big book come out, it's called Sinatra in Vegas, all the DVDs, all the times you ever did, so I looked in this book, and I pulled the DVD, that's when I was there that night, right? I put it in, there I am, before and after the show, backstage, and after the curtain came down, Sinatra, because he knew I had problems with certain guys, he was pointing the guy in the audience, and they had their stage hands grab me, and everything, right? It was a man, and then to get this movie done about this kid, I had them, I had a lip-sync read the stage hand thing, he was saying, yeah, he goes, I'll get rid of those guys

on the couch, right? Anyway, a long story short, I get to Montreal, I have no money, and I hear him fight for $50,000, $100,000 a fight, and I got no money, I'm walking the streets of Montreal, it's fucking freezing up there, I froze my fucking Balinese off, anyways, and I'm walking the streets, and finally, before I get a job, so I go in this tiny restaurant, it's called Buffonis, and I go in this tiny restaurant, and I said, look, I've seen a sign out there, and the guy spoke Italian, so I spoke a little Italian to him, and he goes, oh, he goes, you know how to wash dishes, sure, I know how to wash dishes, right?

So, I got a job washing dishes, and the guy looked at me, he goes, you know, you don't look like you should be washing dishes, it looks like you still do, because he knows my nose, that fucking flat badger coverage follows me every day, anyways, there's another guy out here tonight, part of the spotter than the audience, I mean, outside, he was a fighter, right away, we ran into each other, we stopped comparing fucking noses, but I had more fights in here, that's why mine's flatter, anyway, a long story short, this little kid was looking out, looking, looking, so I said, who's there? And so, the father, you know, the father, it was all Vinny, that's my son, he knows you're a fighter, he's very love boxing,

I said, well, I couldn't understand why he was so sad, anyway, so I said to the kid, you want a buddy, you like fighting, he goes, oh, yes Vinny, I love to fight, I will train hard, you train me, I said, yeah buddy, I'm gonna train, we're gonna train, but don't worry, so I started training this kid, he was getting beat up in school all the time, these buildings were beating him up, because he had a bald head, he had a bald head, he needs to wear a beret, and they didn't understand, the father didn't tell anybody, the kid had leukemia, and he had more hot, more balls than anybody I ever met in my life, right, and he showed me, he showed me, you know, I thought I had it, I went up to Montreal, because I had to leave the

country, America turned his back on me, he sent me to Montreal, and I thought I was feeling sorry for myself in Philadelphia, and he had this little nine-year-old fighting for his very fucking existence, and he had more hot and balls than anybody I ever met, including myself, right, and he saw me in a fight, so I wanted to train him, he had three wishes, I'll make this quick, he had three wishes, one, he wanted to have a fight, and he wanted to put those guys that were bothering him, two, he wanted his mother and father to like each other again, love each other again, and three, there's a mountain out in Montreal, it's called Mount Royal, and at the top is a cross, right, and all the fight is just to run to the top and kiss the cross and come back down,

and he always wanted to do that, so I promised him we're gonna do that. Anyways, we worked together, we trained together, I showed him how to fight, and I didn't know we had leukemia at the time, and I showed him, and he had so much, anyways, we make the match in a gymnasium, right, and the first bully was a real punk bully, right, and he gets up, and he runs on, I said, I said, Francois, watch out, he's gonna come right at you, he's gonna throw bombs, I said, slip, slip, weave, weave, I showed him all that stuff, keep the jab in his face, the kids don't drop that right hand to the bar, we worked on it for two weeks, jab to the face, right hand to the bar, little kids have potbells, they don't do exercise, right, Francois shot, right, Francois shot,

he goes out there to fight, the guy comes prancing across the ring the first round, and he hits him with an overhand right, and Francois goes down, right, I jumped up, I said, Francois, I said, I was looking, I was gonna stop it, he goes, no, no Vinny, I said, he's gonna come at you, you think you heard, no, no, no, no, he comes prancing across the ring, and Francois puts the jab in his face, right, the kid like this, he throws the right hand, and I went, boom, dead, dead, kid rolled over, right, so I jumped in the ring, I'm so fucking happy, that little prick, right, right, anyway, I'm looking for Francois, where is he, he's got his hand under the kid's head, Francois helped him, and I said to him, I said, what the fuck are you doing,

you can't fucking do that, this prick fucking tortured you for fucking years, Francois looked at me, he goes, Vinny, the fight is over, well anyways, anyways, anyways that was his first wish, and we have this picnic, it was so beautiful, his father didn't know how to get close to the mother, and the son, you know, he was they was prodding them on, and They made me come and bring flowers and everything. And they had a beautiful picnic on Mount Royal, my beautiful picnic.

And they got to love each other again, right? And then I have this big fight with this kid named Mede Mello, the rest of the soul, he passed away. And at my fight, it was a big, big fight. And it got me reinstated. Sinatra helped get me reinstated in the United States with this win. I beat this guy with an interest in life,

but believe me, what a great fight I had. And Francois collapsed in the audience. And they took him to the hospital in his cells, the white cells, with leukemia. I was doing good, and they said they didn't have much time, and I was looking at them. And looking at the father, looking at the mother, and I said, look, he realized two dreams, right?

You want to choose to get back together and you're doing pretty good. He wanted to have a fight, and I didn't know he was sick, but he had to fight and he won. I says, but his last wish, and they said he don't have much time, his last wish is to run to the top of the mountain there and kiss that cross.

And I said, I would love to do that with him in my arms. And they took him off, they took the things out of his nose, and we got to the bottom of Mount Royal. And I ran up to the top of the mountain with him in my arms. And he looked at the cross, and he said to me, Vinny, I see your grandmother. She's so beautiful, right? I always told him that was the one

that took care of my whole life. I never told him what she looked like. My grandmother was a strikingly beautiful woman. But he had down to her ankles, and she was tall and beautiful when she passed away. And he said, she's so beautiful. I couldn't believe it. And he turned to hug me, and I felt him leave.

And I screamed on the top of my lungs. He made it! He made it! He made it! Right? And I brought him down. I put him in his mother's arms. You won't believe it, at the funeral.

The wise guys that the father borrowed money from all the restaurants that he went to hell with, nobody knew that the kid was dying. The father, they thought the father was a gambler and a womanizer. And he sold all his restaurants trying to get leukemia treatments, leukemia treatments, right? And he showed up at the funeral. Everybody showed up at the funeral.

Everybody, and he used to live with, he used to live with. I used to live with, and I'm not proud to say this, but I used to live with this transvestite. True story. And this transvestite was named Cologne. It was a guy. And that was the only fucking place I could afford, right? And she was really, she or it, whatever,

was fucking happy to have me. Because it fucking, I lived there, right? I used to wake up in the middle of fucking night, right? I'd smell some bad fucking stink, and I'd get up, quit, boom, and I'd hit him in the fucking against the beast out of the stairway. And I was like, what the fuck, right? And unbelievable, and transwives

that come all the time tell her, look, I don't care what you have between your legs. Get in the bathtub. You put the water on the sofa. You clean. Dabbers, no, she looked at you. You're a pig, but you want to be like you are. Be like you are, but be clean one.

She shows up at the funeral, right? And she shows up at the funeral dressed like a man. Unbelievable how she says, she's a French wife. You teach me to be proud of what I am. And I'll never forget you for that. She's always calling, mon, pa-pay. Sexual, that sexual snarl, yeah. Fuck, I used to say all the time,

I used to say, fuck is that, fuck is that, but she thought it was sexy. Anyway, anyways, it was amazing. The guy who put the pressure on him, but gave him the money for the restaurants, he didn't know that the kid was dying, right? He came with two fucking bags of money, put the money. He goes, the principal I took,

on all the juice you pay, I don't take money from that guy. That guy's my friend, unbelievable, right? He gave the family the money. And I wrote a screenplay called French wife. And we had a big deal going with it. It still could happen. There was a couple of different problems with the contract

and it still might happen. But I want to tell you, it's been a pleasure to be here. You guys are great. You guys are great. You guys are great. You guys are great. You guys are great.

Thank you. One last thing. Any questions? I got one. Hit me. Hey Coco, how come you don't like to listen to your voice mail? To messages?

Yeah, your voice mail. Does that waste the time? Why would you leave a message? I believe in cutting down on all the bullshit. If you, everybody has a fucking smartphone, right? Or whatever. Even if you have a stupid fucking phone. And I call you, it tells you what number called.

Right? Why would you want to leave a message and waste lung power? Every time you talk, it's one less fucking word. So I don't want to hear. You know what I'm saying? It's 2013. What are you going to call me and tell me? Hi, I'm going to go up to the ice house

and see you tonight. It's going to be great. What are you fucking retarded? So that's why I don't like messages. I don't want none of that shit. If I allow text, then I have to text. Then everybody will text me. I don't do what everybody else does.

They do what the fuck I do. You follow me? I don't text. I don't want to have to look at a fucking thing when I'm driving. When I talk about business, I don't want people to fall into the texting thing. Cause that's how accidents happen.

And I like hearing people's voice. If I care about you and I love you, I want to hear your fucking voice. If you want to text me, text somebody else. And I tell people all the time, people who text me, you know what I do to them? I call them at four in the fucking morning when I get up. And I call them three or four times.

And they'll never fucking text me again. Cause I'll say that you call me. No, I text you. Well, I'm calling you motherfucker. You follow me? Because in three years, there'll be something else other than texting. And then in two years, there'll be something else.

So if you know this about life, you got to stop it somewhere. Because if not, it'll just keep raping you. You know, a car manufacturer puts out a new car once a year in September, you know? These fucking phone people, and these people, they want to release a new phone every 60 days.

And then they talk about the economy being bad. No, the economy's bad because we're fucking assholes. And we buy that fucking phone every 60 fucking days. So that's why I'm with all that. I like technology, but I don't like my wife is a fucking nerd with all that shit. I officially have like nine computers in my fucking house.

You follow me? She's got one in the baby's room now, in the living room. You know, cause she got to do, what the fuck? What the fuck? Get a pen, the piece of fucking paper. You know, but we depend on all, can any of you guys call your boyfriend's number? You don't know it.

You have no idea what your friend's numbers are anymore. If your fucking phone blows up and you're getting fucked up the ass in Monrovia, you can't call none of your friends on the payphone because none of you motherfuckers know their fucking phone number. So think about how lazy we've gotten as a fucking society that somebody calls us one time.

I ate a banana bread in New Jersey last year and my phone died and I had to call my wife to give me the numbers off an old phone in my house. That's when I figured enough with that shit. I got to know my friend's numbers. Now I know Lee's numbers, I know my house number and I advise all you dumb motherfuckers to do the same because someday there's gonna be a rocket ship

to something that's gonna hit one of these satellites and who the fuck are you gonna call? You don't know, you don't have a fucking number in your head. So these are the things that we're slipping. So that's the fucking answer to your questions. I don't wanna, no text. Just call me like a man. If you don't call me, I think that you're hiding something.

Like when I get a text for a comedy show, I know he's hiding something. There's a by the way and that's what he's gonna say. I couldn't write it on the text. I don't even want that to happen. Tell me what you need. If I'm a piece of ass, then you text me, right? You text the booty call at two in the morning.

That's who you text. I'm a piece of ass, you understand me? My piece of ass left about 30 years ago. It's just wrinkled now with hair on it and little cheesecake holes or whatever the fuck you call it. And then if I answer the phone, here's what really kills me. But I wanna get my messages and for them to be business.

I want them to be business related. I know that if I have a message on my phone, it's business related. I'm gonna get money. So if I answer this, oh, I need your address to send you an invite to the wedding. I will call you back and go, no, no. The wedding is your fucking business.

That's not my, don't leave my fucking answer machine on my thing unless it's fucking business. Oh, I hate fucking, all that shit. All that shit drives me fucking crazy. And ask people who call me and make believe. Ask the people who call me and leave a message. What happens to them? How I torment their lives.

Because I'll torment your fucking life. I will go to a dentist's office and rip every magazine thing out and send you every fucking magazine out there. Until you'll never, you'll be too busy writing back notes to text the motherfucker when I get through with you. You follow me? Holy shit.

What kind of stuff? Nothing, I'm never gonna leave you a message now. No. It's funny that sometimes with his old phone, he would text me and it would confuse me because he doesn't text and would say I'm at the cinema. And I found out two months later, he would just smash the phone and he didn't know

how to pick it up when he was busy. It would automatically text I'm at the cinema. I'm at the cinema, I'm at the bath. Who the fuck talks like that? I'm at the cinema, you know what I'm saying? If you got a text like that from me, you're like, there's somebody getting at that motherfucker. That ain't right.

He would write, I'm at the fucking movies, cocksucker. Call me back later, you fuck. When I called you in the gay voice, how come you hung up on me so quick? Hang up on me? But I didn't hang up on you. Listen, here's the deal, people. I can't fucking hear.

I can't hear, you know. For 30 years, I always like listening to music with earphones on, because my thing is, I don't want to listen to your fucking bad music. You don't have to listen to mine. That's the deal I have with roommates. I don't want to hear your bad fucking music, but you don't have to hear my needs.

I don't want nobody to listen to black Sabbath's master reality at three in the morning. Nobody needs that shit. But I need it, you follow me? But I don't want to hear your dumb shit at three in the morning, so that's the deal. So from listening to those fucking earphones, and I just don't put it on three,

I put it on fucking ten. I have an iPod that I ordered a power booster for. You know that? Holy shit. So my iPod, I have a power booster that goes into the iPod, and then I put the speakers into the fucking power booster. And that's what happens

when you're a professional marijuana addict, okay? I want to smoke the pot and put the earphones on. I don't want to hear nothing. I want to forget about all my problems. I want to hear the cymbal. I want to hear the singer as he moves away from the microphone. You can hear the, like that, like that.

That's how badass I am. I'm from the 80s, where we used to have real to real, and you can hear the fucking singer going, like that, that's what we were, listen to the fucking, don't listen to the word, listen to him breathing. I did my fucking job, so that's why I'm deaf. So don't forgive me, I don't fucking hear nothing. So that's why you tell me to turn the music

up on the podcast, I have it up, you just can't hear it? Fucking time, turn that motherfucker up. I don't want, have you ever been somewhere where the music's so loud you can't fucking think? It's tremendous, it's tremendous. One, one, nobody can talk to you. That's the best right there. When they come up to you with a stupid story

and you're on cocaine or something. And you're like, don't talk to me, I can't hear. You're wasting your time, I can't hear. But the truth is, I don't want to hear you. I don't, I want to hear the fucking music. So I like that fucking music to just be loud. Even in the mornings, everybody gets pissed off at me. Same thing with me, people call me at main fucking times,

you follow World Champion Park, right? Does it hurt when you get hit? No, come here, boom, you bastard. How did that deserve to get that stupid fucking fucking fucking fucking idiot? And the real reason why text bothers me, I can't see. So if you text me that while I'm driving, I'm fucked, I can't see.

So fuck the glasses, I don't. Again, I can't see. If I look at that text, it's a stupid fucking text. Like happy whole day or whatever. Again, I'm gonna call you back and choke you to death. Because I put glasses on to read your stupid fucking text. It's just crazy, I can't do it no more. I can't, there's just been too many technological

fucking changes over the years. But I wanna hear people's voices. I got nothing, you got anything else guys? How did you and Lee hook up? I emailed him a couple times, I said I've always loved comedy and I wanted to work with a comedian and we met at a comedy club a few times. We met at a comedy club for like a month

and didn't do anything, we just talked. And it's been two years and it's been great. So it's amazing. It's not like a fucking relationship. It is, it really is. It's, you know, in this town we have what's called, we have managers and agents and you have a publicist and you have an attorney and everybody wants 10%

except for fucking manager, he wants 15%. And they don't do nothing people, they do nothing. They wait for you to go out and hustle it and then they do it. I cut all that out, I got an agent, that's it. And Lee, and Lee and I were management but we're partners and we just sit down and we hammer shit out and he tells me the truth, which is very big.

He doesn't tell me it's funny if it's not. He'll tell me he didn't like it or he didn't like that video and we work from there. You need that. He's not here blowing smoke up my ass, telling me it's funny. He's like, no, you know, that would be great. Somebody blowing smoke up your ass. That's what else I would do if I was rich.

Like if I was really fucking rich, I'd just sit at home all night with my legs up like that, anybody going to yoga here, what's that? Happy baby position. Happy baby is my favorite position. I would just hold like that. I would pay somebody 5,000 to blow pot smoke up my asshole just to see if I would get high.

Nobody's ever done that. Nobody's ever said, hold on one second. I don't smoke the vaporizer, no more. Would it be the like the fume, like the thing the beekeepers use to get like the thing that goes like this? No, no, no, no. Somebody would have to take a hit off a joint and blow the smoke up my ass.

That's how I want it. You can't substitute somebody blowing smoke up your ass. It's not something that, you know, you just say, well, they're gonna, no, no, no, no. Am I crazy guys, do people want to get farted in the face? Like is it, am I the only crazy one? Or does everyone else think it's weird? Back me up here, that's weird a little bit.

No, everyone else wants it? What? Getting farted in the face. I thought they'd all better. Again, again, again, people, hold on one second. There's the problem with Lee. Okay, I don't know if anybody heard the podcast where Lee sat across from me and he said that he was 24.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, give me 10 fucking minutes guys. You don't know if you guys heard the podcast where Lee said he's 24 and he felt that his life was moving too fast, that he didn't think that he was getting the most out of life. Not because he wasn't going to the standard. You know, when you're 24, you think that you should be going that your life should be like American fucking bandstand

every week or whatever the fuck it is. But it really isn't, all right? So Lee came to me and I wasn't there, I was looking at Lee and I just thought, I go, just as a joke, nobody's ever farted in Lee's face, even if I'm mistaken. I've eaten pussy from behind and sniffed an asshole. Because that's me, that's my world. You know, if you're eating a girl from behind,

you might as well sniff her asshole. You're there, even just to compare it to yours, you know what I'm saying? And you don't stick your nose in it like 100 miles an hour and put the fucking nostril to it, but you smell around it lightly, you follow me? So I talked to Lee when we have coffee about eating ass and pussy,

because that's what guys do, ladies. When we meet, we talk about eating some pussy lately and he's like, no, I haven't, you know, I don't like it, it gave me heartburn, whatever the fuck. Me, I love eating pussy. From every angle, I can eat it from every angle. I like pussy, I don't want to fart on the front of the face. That's the whole patrol, you follow me?

No, it's not. Like they hang you upside down from your ankles and you drop me down like pink at the Grammys and put a chick's pussy, I'll do it, I don't give a fuck. I want to eat pussy with all the blood in my head. Have my tongue, not blood on my head, the blood in my head. I'm upside down, you dumb motherfuckers.

And you can't take it, you're eating pussy, it's got to be a different dimension, you follow me? I'm just saying, or you hang her upside down, or you take a belt, right? And tie it around her waist real fucking tight and around her legs so the fucking, just clit looks like it's going to blow up or something. I'm just saying, you know,

never go to a blood test, they tie the arm around and the vein pops up, it has to work on the clit. It just swells up like a two-foot. So, how do we get on this conversation from eating that? So, you know, I knew Lee never smelled a woman's asshole, which, you know, not everybody does, but if you're back there, you might as well, that's what I'm saying.

So I said, Lee, how about having a chick fart in your face? Because nobody's really had a chick fart in their face unless you really want to, you know? And if you went to a girl and go, do me a favor, fart in my face. She would feel a little fucking weird. I don't know if I could fart in your face. I didn't have a big breakfast, you know what I'm saying?

So, I want to set this up for Lee so he can have some fun. Who else gets a fart? But we'll do it on camp, guys, you don't understand. We're going to do this on camera. It's like a pay-per-view. Like you follow me, like you guys were at home on Saturday night and on Ustream, like good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We're here live from the battering ram.

In downtown LA, we have a comedy show. We'll do a cooking show, a podcast. And the headliner is Lee getting frotted in the face. Hold on one second. Who's holding up here to remember the Wild World of Sports? By applause. Okay, I'll recall myself. The Wild World of Sports, once a year,

would have a thing, a karate tournament. It was Aaron's something's karate tournament at the garden. And what was the closing thing they did? No. A guy shot a guy with a 22 and the guy would take the bullet out of the fucking air with his teeth. No one remembers that, it's on YouTube.

He would wear a special, remember that shit? He would wear the same thing. I can't find a guy to eat a bullet. But I got a guy who needs a fart in the face, really fucking bad. So it's the same thing. So let's say we'll have the chicken like granola with yogurt, because I wanted to have like a shotgun,

what's up? Not bullets, but the- Shrapnel, yeah. Shrapnel, I wanted to get shrapnel. What, you never took a shit little peanut, came out and you played with it when you were, remember when you were a kid, you took the peanut out of the shit and you played with it?

Same thing. We'll have it eat like a bag of fucking peanuts and shit. And we'll have it eat for like three days, no shit, no fart, no nothing. Just keep a handcuffed in the room, I have to go to the bathroom, you can't bitch. And then like two hours before the show, we tie Lee down, we put him in a chair,

we have a chick come out and suck his dick to relax him, the whole fucking thing. He puts on like a bib and goggles and shit. The first time there won't be no goggles, just straight commando, fucking. And we'll put it like an inch from his face and then somebody will kick him in the stomach, real fucking hard.

And then we'll push her over the bed so it's like a good fart come up with a trajectory and everything and then he'll just fall back. And start it with just a fart, but then he'll get high and call me at like midnight and be like, all right, I talked to her, she wants the shit on your chest. Why, listen, why, I mean, listen, you will all pay $10 to see him get a fart to the face.

For the shit to the chest. That's 25 without even arguing. You're like 25, take it, I don't give a fuck. And he's like, well, can't you shit on the glass? No, this ain't fucking fairytale land on your chest. Then I said, listen, I call in the back, go listen, get the chest, he won't do this shit. She goes, I want to piss in his mouth.

Again, he won't take a little pee in his mouth, but he'll drink that fucking, that's when you run into his face. It's your color. And you're getting what, 20%? 20% of nothing, you know what I mean? You're gonna make millions dog. So this is what we're gonna do.

The first one, we'll shoot it right here. The chick will fart in his face, he'll go back, he'll yell, ah, ah, ah, the whole thing. And we'll tape that, right? Right away, you're home, like, what happened to Lee? What happened to Lee? What happened?

You're fucking worried about him. Then he'll come on the podcast with an eye patch and like a neck brace on, right? For like a month and shit. And then we'll schedule a big fart in the face. Like we'll get like a Japanese guy that eats like a thousand hot dogs, right? I'm crazy.

Those skinny motherfuckers will fart. You ever smell like a skinny fart? They'll fuck your world up. A fat guy will fuck your world up. But one of those skinny guys that eats a lot and don't gain weight, you ever smell one of his farts in a van? They'll fuck you up.

You guys know what I'm saying. We can make some money on this. Wait, wait. And I'll make you all producers on this. You're all in for the small stuff. Why is it a guy now? I thought it was just a girl. We're gonna get a girl.

I don't want to fart. You're not gay. I don't want a guy to fart in your face. That's right, I thought you just said the skinny guy. No, I'm talking about a skinny guy can fart. Oh, okay. So we're gonna get a skinny chick too. You know those skinny girls.

Oh my God. I can't get any weight. Well, you're gonna come fart on Lee's fucking face. Cause obviously you realize you're a skinny chick and we're gonna get a chunky chick and a chick with big tits, like an opera singer type chick that's. Oh, baa!

Ha ha! I think it'll be entertaining, but that's my taste. You know what I'm saying? Because you don't tell me in this room has ever seen somebody take a fart in their face and they would all pay for it. If you really think about it,

even if Thanksgiving, can you imagine being with your family? What do you do next week? I'm gonna go see this guy get fart on his face. People are, we're going to Song Garden, fuck all that shit. I'm gonna see, at least I had to take a fucking chocolate milkshake part.

Like this chick's, and we'll have to do something. She has to eat McDonald's for 30 days. That's a documentary. I got big ideas. That's a documentary where we have big ideas and she eats McDonald's. Yeah, countdown to the thing.

Are you on spike countdown to the fart? And she's at home like doing sit-ups and shit. This came to you way too quickly. It's like you've been thinking about it for fucking eight months. What's it? You just came up with it like on the spot. I don't like it.

This is what my mind is. But how do you, how would you like to go to a fucking brothel? So fucking good. Just so particular about her dresses, the way she dresses. You can't believe it, right? She's so, so dainty in every way.

And then you take her to your room and you figure out who's something like, she doesn't have to go to the bathroom. She goes to the bathroom, like she comes out, right? Then I said, you know, let me see if I look like I'm trying to get laid, right? I go in the bathroom,

there's a fucking trunk, this big. Fucking toilet, right? That killed every fucking thing. That's a beautiful thing. Fucking toilet. At least you know who you're staring at, do you know what I'm saying? That's alright. At least you know more room for that dick of yours.

Stop. We're going to do this again next month. Real flattened. maybe we'll talk Lee at the front of his face and the whole thing I just got a message tonight let's see what the fuck this is and we'll abuse this motherfucker so no way let's see who this motherfucker Jim Apprentice speaker for you oh no he's my uncle all right he's lucky yeah I just stayed the one I robbed him for months that's my boy oh yeah no we talked now we're friends we're tight

what the fuck when did he call me cuz I don't even know who the fuck called me but no yeah my uncle I'm trying to get him tickets now to take him to see the Dodgers we're tight again we're tight again so I want to thank you guys for really being a part of this tonight cuz we didn't know how this is gonna work but obviously this worked out good we'll try to get a screen and play videos and music and the whole fucking thing in here so we're gonna try to make this a lot stronger for you guys and one big round of applause to my brother Vinnie you know and I love this guy I mean I was at the comedy store maybe and I'm

gonna be honest with you guys I was at the comedy store maybe three months when this gentleman walked into the store made my fucking night and when he found out I was Cuban he loved me right away he put me in my first job my first job in LA was a fucking tough guy and a John Fogarty video all right from my and that's a he called me he goes $800 come down tomorrow gave my first fucking job and this is what it's all about right here you know when I do these podcasts with you people listen I'm not gonna ever try to fake my intelligence cuz I don't have any okay I'm not gonna talk about something I don't know about I

know about one thing guys I know about fucking life I know this to get your ass kicked and how to kick fucking ass but one thing on my podcast that's different than anybody else's is whatever I tell you I tell you with my fucking soul and sometimes I break down and cry in the morning because these topics are not I don't do a podcast like a radio show it's not for oiki doiki and oh my god look at the video no this is to get you I want you guys in the morning to leave your house ready to kill somebody I want you to get laid I want you to make money I want you to be fucking happy I want all the thing and

that's why you know I started this but when we at least talked about this the only reason why I did it with Lee in the morning was because like I say in a podcast I'm a KTLA type of motherfucker okay I get up in the morning I put on KTLA I want to know if there's traffic on the 405 even though I'm not gonna be on the fucking 405 you follow me I'm one of those nerds get off the 15 today this traffic on the 91 but I like that I like the joking around part of it but what I didn't like about it was the teacher who molested the kid the car accident of 101 the baby who got shot the family who got killed in the car

accident the bell fucking people rock I don't want to hear that shit six in the morning at six in the morning you should be smoking pot and if you don't I understand that you're a professional you're not a loser like me you should be listening to music you should be planning out your day planning your goals and your day should be beautiful every day when you wake up I was telling today on the podcast when I went to prison somebody came to me and they were like hey man you shouldn't be so happy in the morning there's people that I didn't hear doing life and what so you're doing life what are you gonna fucking live it every

day you got a smile you got to go out there so my podcast with Lee is about you motherfuckers being the best you can every fucking day I want you to leave with a smile on your face and go today somebody's gonna pay for me getting up today okay somebody's gonna pay for me that's the attitude I want you guys to fucking have because if you're that special to do this shit I want somebody when you guys and all these are worth ten thousand a day that's the bad news so they're slipping on you motherfuckers by paying you 100 a day or ten an hour so you guys got to do the rest now I'm when I when you use that podcast I want

you motherfuckers somebody has to pay you to get out of bed because that's how special all of you are so please keep that in mind I love you motherfuckers with all my heart the podcast is Monday and Wednesday now we're gonna go somewhere to get something to eat on Tuesday if you guys want we might have a party somewhere everybody just come by Lee a burrito and we don't leave to eat these 25 fucking burritos we're gonna do something but thank you for the support thank you for the support you give my little brother Lee sat in his weight loss and his fucking dilemmas thank you

very much I apologize for the convenience with one server he's got to get off your tab so please just remain seated I start with inconvenience any questions while we wait any more it was so yeah it was so funny he was with he was with Schwarzenegger and we were over at Giuseppe Franco's haircut in place and in Beverly Hills and he looked he looked at me was like real leery because he knows I was we're still if you didn't know if I was still angry and mad and his brother Frank is a good friend of mine we make more and he looked at me and I said I said I don't slice it's nice to see you again man I

said I want to apologize for the stuff we went through he goes Vinny it's a new day and he hugged me so I said fuck it that was great you know I hugs of us stone rocky it was a it was a real thrill it was really nice I had them I hugged the Schwarzenegger we buried that hatchet it's no good to hold grudges grudge you know it'll ruin you the answer to what he called we are all infinite beings we have no choice in that the only problem is with all of us we we tend to identify what our self-imposed limitations and that's the truth so we're all special people man and that was wonderful it was

wonderful to make his friendship was wonderful the to get rid of a wrong and turn it into a right a down to an up thank you all right guys thank you