Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #035 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Monday, February 1st.... Today, we talked about feeling ashamed in life and opening up as a comedian and being honest on stage..... This episode is brought to you by MVMT Watches, CBD Lion & ONNIT...... Go to https://www.MVMT.com/JOEY and enter Code: VDAY20 Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY or CHURCH Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals

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That's how fast life is fucking moving right now. Even think no Things are rough out there and we're still trying to get settled. It's moving that fast Life don't give a fuck about what's going on with you. So that's why you got to catch up I'm happy you're here on a beautiful fucking Monday morning. It's fucking coming down here in Jersey It's fucking snowing and I love it. I got fucking Umberto coming over to shovel today because obviously pop up can't do it. I love shoveling snow I don't give a fuck for you motherfuckers that were laughing at me and saying I would move out of Jersey after the first snowstorm Well, we're up to number two and I'm still fucking here cock suckers so you can all suck my dick snow

Don't care what people never understood was I already did 18 fucking winters in Jersey when it was really fucking winter not this fucking climate control shit that nothing happens here in November because now it's a little milder here and You guys forget I did what? 13 real winters in Colorado with my first winter in Colorado being the fucking virgin killer It's no 25 fucking days in a row. Are you fucking kidding me and you motherfuckers are trying to tell me? Oh, he'll leave Jersey after it gets cold. Go fuck yourself. I'm tougher than that I put 20 fucking years in this cold weather ready. This isn't even cold

Like they tell you it's kind of be warm Bone brisk blistering cold weather. My wife is into that. She get the hat the whole fucking thing Yesterday on my side with a hooded sweatshirt walking up and down the corner exercising my knee I wasn't cold the sun was out about 3 30. I ain't gonna lie to you You got fucking cold but 11 to 12. It was nice. I you could go outside and play with a ball for 30 minutes It was beautiful. So don't let the fucking TV Listen weathermen are not always fucking right. I can't stand fucking weathermen I fucking want to stab them all because the weather is as an hypothesis

Which is actually an educated guess that mean if that's why like my wife is great I'll go to what's the weather like today and she'll go in her back pocket and look at her phone and go Oh, it's it's gonna be 63 degrees what you couldn't look out the fucking window. I open up the door and I already tell you what the fucking weather is I'm no fucking weather man. I'm not educated to give out the fucking weather But all you do is you go like that you go. Oh, it's cloudy in the snow. That's the fucking weather What else is there to do my wife's in there like it's actually three degrees Then she'll give you like the 10-day acu weather. Listen, they can't predict tomorrow

How the fuck are they gonna predict the next 12 days? Give me a fuck leave me alone. Give me a fucking break. Anyway, thank God You're here today. I want to explain some stuff because everything turns into something and with this podcast You know the podcast airs and then people hit me with a thousand fucking questions What I meant and I got one question that was fucking brilliant I got that question over and over again, and I didn't even imagine it I didn't even see it as I was coming. I mean, that's how fucked up. I've been lately I didn't even see the window open there as I was talking about it Last week I was talking about that. I got into a little disagreement with a guy shotgun Doug

When he was embarrassing me and telling me that I was a jailbird and shit And how much I was pissed off because at that time in 94 I didn't want anybody to know but for you to understand this story. We have to go back with this There was nothing listen my mother died. That's a shame God took her. What are you gonna do? You have to move on try to explain that to a 16 year old kid You're not going to now as a 58 year old adult. I get it people die and you have to move on When you're going through it, you don't really fucking know what's going on You're overwhelmed with pain, you know, you're overwhelmed with all this fucking shit, you know and

I had to do things after my mother died You know somebody asked me when did you become? You know How did you prepare yourself to become a man or something like that? I became a man when that ambulance was going down the corner With the lights blinking and my mother was in the back of it. That's when I became a man. There was no preparation You know, I went from being a lazy fucking faggy kid who you know, I don't like peas to you But eat those fucking peas because that's all you got. Do you understand me?

So I never had the natural course like most young men that they evolved I became a man when my mother's when the ambulance was pulling away at my mother. That was it It was me alone in the fucking house and after that I was taken care of, you know, my friends took care of me or whatever I was stupid. I was very hard-headed and I did something that in my world You had to be a fucking complete loser to do Even though I knew you had to be a loser to do it. I did it anyway because that's who I was and It didn't really matter at that time what mattered what what was in front of me Yeah, I was going to school and I was getting an education and I was getting good grades

But I also had a friend for myself. There was no social security My mother didn't leave a will there was no fucking big money coming at me You know the rider would give me 200 a week, you know, I would work in a hardware store and make another buck 50 You know, I sold drugs. I did this. I did everything I could to make ends meet But by my senior year, I knew opportunities were around that High school date. I

Don't know. I don't know what happened to me and by my my senior year. I mean, this is how much of a loser I am That I quit the beginning of my senior year Like I went to school for like a week and quit my senior year That's like quitting comedy after 10 years once you you've already done the grunt work That's like quitting the MBA after one season that that that that is just the dumbest fucking thing A human being could ever do but I did it When I did that I Felt fucking terrible. I had a job at Mads back. I don't want you to think I quit just for the sense of quitting

I quit because I had a job that offered me 20 some dollars an hour 18 an hour at the time something fucking crazy, you know, and I worked it for two months and then they promoted me to a night Whatever and I had a work till five in the morning and I can never get so I just said, you know what man? Let me get this job let me You know try to make something of myself down there and listen I started down there as a warehouse man and it was a temporary position for 30 days

And it was a very very hard To make the union the guy who was in charge of you of making the decision about you was a real fucking prick But He may not have liked me. He might not like how I dressed my hair, whatever that I was Spanish Whatever the fuck it was, but one thing he definitely liked about me was the way I worked When I got that job, I knew there was no more fucking pussyfoot. So I went in there head first I did everything I had to do. I got the job like in the beginning of July 81 And you know, it was like I think it was like 11 bucks to start or something like that

Something just fucking crazy And I went in there dog of my shift was from ten in the morning to six at night I worked from fucking nine to seven I was fucking that and whatever jobs I picked were the ones that made you lift the most like if it was chains and Electrical wiring mass back hardware mass back sentry with hardware was a hardware chain And that's what they had so I would carry all the big stuff 90 bag concrete I would always volunteer for those pallets So boom I made the union and then like two or three weeks after I make the fucking union a job opens up

For a night loader was gravy. It was seven to four They had overtime maybe two or three nights a week till six, but on Fridays you work to eight To seven to eight and you got paid for fucking the whole eight hours So I had a fucking take the job. I put my name on a list just like anybody else They fucking, you know, I was like, I'm number one. I'm not gonna get it was based on seniority And how much how long you had been there? Bro out of the skin of my teeth. I nailed the job. I Got the fucking job and I was at the August. I started making money. I was able to pay some bills

I was able to buy some clothes. I was able to do things. I hadn't been able to do Because I was a little fucking too crazy or whatever. It was like overwhelming money It wasn't little pieces that I was getting, you know, five days a week. It was overwhelming I want so for the first time I got my clothes for the first time I could buy a winter jacket You know, and if you think I'm fucking me, you know, I was on my own at fucking 18 already So one school was gonna start The first week I went back and I loaded trucks and I think I went to a couple classes, but I Couldn't do it. I couldn't do it and because my first class was at 730

I was part of the CIE work study program So that means that I would go to school from 730 to 1230 and then go to my job But everything had switched. I had gotten a new job and everything that's what so The day I decided to quit high school. I Went on a fucking coke binge for three days because in my world That was the fucking lowest thing I could do never mind the houses I was burglarizing Never mind the drugs never mind all that shit. I was already embarrassed about but here

I was doing the thing I believed that made you the biggest fucking loser in the world Quit the fucking high school and a good friend of mine did it He was like a brother to me He quit because his family had a fruit company and he was getting groomed to take over the company Okay, then you quit you're gonna be a fucking multi-millionaire someday, but I didn't have the same opportunities I just saw that he was doing great. I thought about it and Against all my wishes and everything I fucking quit I Quit fucking high school and you guys have no idea

How bad that made me feel till today? I Feel a little bit bad about it, but I ended up doing something with my life and I got my GD So it doesn't sting as much as it did but at that time guys I can't tell you how much that bothered me and you don't even know what pain is You don't want me to tell you what pain really is the first Thanksgiving after high school and You know, I went to the bar to sell fucking coke obviously right me and my friends are selling coke and

All of a sudden all these kids I was in high school with were coming home from fucking that first semester at college For Thanksgiving break and I remember being at that fucking bar that night and they're all talking about their colleges and their fraternities and their Sororities and here I am sitting with my loser friend selling coke You have any idea what a loser feels like I felt like a fucking loser that night. You watch the movie fucking St. Elmo's fire when Rob Lowe goes back up to the school and fucking One of the kid guys says to him. Hey, man. I don't know you're gonna stay up here for and he goes I don't know. I'm not sure. I just came up and he goes. We love it when you hear because we get all the good drugs There's a look on his face and that's the exact feeling I had that night

Like that's all I was good for was to sell fucking drugs Here's all the kids that I've known for ten years now They're all in fucking college and me and my three loser buddies are sitting at the bar drinking thinking we're fucking cool You ain't that fucking cool. I wasn't that fucking cool So I want you to understand the embarrassment. I had when I quit high school Because it's where I came from when I'm coming from that is like the worst thing you could do That's like just fucking tattooing a losing L right on your fucking forehead and I did it anyway So I lived with that and I felt terrible when I got a chance to get out of North Bergen

I went to Colorado. Why do you think I went to Colorado Mountain College? Why do you think I took those classes because I love knowledge? I love learning till today till this day I love learning some new somebody I just met with a girl Friday a dear friend of mine Erica and her family and She gave me a book that she had written about you know success and motivation. I started reading it I love learning shit at 58. I still love Sitting down and reading But learning reading reading something about weight loss or diabetes or you know, I didn't look at the fucking Anything about the knee surgery till after I had the knee surgery

Because if I would have read up on it, then I would have been too much of a pussy But now I've been reading up on it. I love learning. I love what I just went through What I just went through with the surgery and how people tell you oh be careful You're gonna get hooked on the drug pills. I fucking didn't want to get hooked on drug pills I love how I learned that I had like a system. I had to take my fucking a Pain pill at nine. I had to take my CBD at 10 How to take my you know, like I was always in front of the pain somebody talked to me on patreon There are pharmacists and they were like you want to stay on top of the pain

So I love what I learned so now when somebody else has surgery I could pass it on through what I learned not by reading a book from fucking experience I Learned how to use the fucking tape around the wound You know, I had tins those things that give you electro shock I would do those before Mike came today I told him call me from the Wawa because I'm gonna ice my niece when I sit here, you know I'm gonna be here for an hour. I don't want it to get stuck on me and whatnot I learned how to work with the pain. Do I look fucking stoned to you?

Do I look fucking high to you or whatever? No because I took aspirin instead of pain medication So I wouldn't have to get hooked on it. So now I could take it at night I'll take my medication for fucking the news tonight or something like that. Whatever the fuck I watch at eight I'll take it at eight so it doesn't interfere with my sleep. The word is I love knowledge So for me to quit high school it destroyed my basic insides So now let's let's go back to fucking everything that's going on here. I Lost faith in fucking God Okay, when my mother died because what kind of a God takes away a mother from the 16 year old kid

I fucking lost faith in myself When I got the GED and now guess what eight years later, I'm gonna fucking prison cell so I Had two recipes by the age of 25. This is why again, I'm talking to you from experience This isn't a book. This isn't a fucking self-help book. This isn't a life coach telling you Let me tell you something. You don't know how bad it is When they throw you in a jail cell and here you are in jail With a loser tattoo from being in prison and a matching I had two matching elves over here

loser for prison and loser for quitting high school I just should I just had extensions on my fucking eyebrows and put two elves looking at each other because that's what Dog after you got a GED and you're in prison There ain't much hope left There ain't much hope left The only hope you have is the fucking hopefully the Ohio subway to sell fucking shark skin tuna sandwiches Did you see that shit? Even the tuna ain't fucking real. Then I tell you motherfuckers 10 years ago Then when I used to torture Lee that the fucking turkeys. Yeah, it could be turkey meat

It's probably one of those turkeys that got hit by a fucking car It ain't a quality fucking turkey now to get sued for using shark meat and monkey meat It's fucking tuna. You guys gonna tell me my fucking business. You're gonna tell me my fucking business That's why I didn't want to end up in a fucking subway So I had two capital L's how much how much shame can somebody have I quit high school And I went to and I had a felony. I had no prospects You're talking somebody I got a couple things going on, you know, my uncle's gonna get me into the union I had nothing. I had no prospects when you got a felony and you're a GED fucking and you're a dropout

There ain't much in your fucking world Unless you know somebody unless you suck a really good cock Unless you got a big asshole with cushing in it and ice cubes or something. You ain't got a future You don't have too much of a future. So here I am In 1989 I'm a fucking dropout and a felon. I'm in the halfway house You know, listen, I made a plan When I was in fucking prison, I made a plan I made a promise to myself the same promise I made on 2007

When I didn't when I stopped snorting coke and that's the reason I'm off coke today I made myself a promise in 1988 before I went to reconsideration in 1989 January 20th I said to myself that if I would fuck him if I get out of here Even though I'm mad at God whoever the fuck God is better yet, I said I'll swear the universe That I'll do everything in my power Not to be a millionaire not to have a yacht Not to have a testarosa Not to be that guy with the eyes on shirt trying to be cool. I just wanted to be

Not a loser You ever just want to not be a fucking loser? I didn't care about millionaire or a house Even if I slept on a couch, I just didn't want to be a loser. I just wanted to end this up With fucking I just wanted this to end With me having a regular job I didn't even care about a pension. I didn't think I was gonna make it to 58 anyway But I just didn't want to be a loser

That's why I went out dug that day because I was so embarrassed That he told me I was a fucking you know a felon And then my ex-wife told me something one day when I went to pick up the kid Didn't you realize what you did? You're a fucking felon, but you're just not a regular felon You threw a person a trunk of a car for years I lived with that fucking remorse If you don't think I'm I fucking feel bad about some of the things I did

Today as a 58 year old you got another thing coming. I goof around here. I make listen. I make dark situations Funny so I could get over them and it says a form of therapy But some of the things I did still bother me very much today Very much the gED Not that much because I did something in my life and I ended up, you know trying I ended up going to you know I got my gED Which doesn't really fucking count in my book high school is high school But it works for now

And I ended up taking you know Seven eight fucking semesters of college. You know what for a guy like me where I came from I could fucking live with that So I didn't fucking talk about it now. You also got to say well joy In 1994 weren't you doing comedy? Yes, I was But half the shit that I tell you people over the last 10 years. I wouldn't even dare bring up I wouldn't even dare bring up. I didn't have the balls To tell you guys that I had been in prison

That you know I had a gED That in 1993 in the middle of comedy in the middle of everything I stole a fucking change jar From a car velling for a lead. I would have never told you these things That those are all fucking marks of a loser Okay, so yes in 1994 I was going up on that stage and not talking about these things So for you comics that are watching this or comics for the young comics that are listening to this This is where it comes in for you. I wasn't talking about this on stage None of these stories I tell today kidnapping, you know

robbing michael jeweler's Robbing this doing about this. I never mentioned those stories. Why do you think? Because they were fucking I was ashamed of them I was actually ashamed of my fucking life So my first couple years of comedy We were not doing this We were going up there telling knock knock fucking jokes as a matter of fact For 10 years of my comedy

I was going up there and doing knock knock jokes as a matter of fact for maybe 13 To 14 years of comedy I went up there and knock knock and did knock knock jokes When did I become successful as a comic? When they heard these stories When I finally opened up About being a criminal when I opened up about even the tedious Most disgusting shit you could say

That's when I became a real comic, but I didn't know that I didn't know that then So for 94 95 I tipped on my way around that when I met other comics. I didn't tell them I went to prison. What are you crazy? I didn't want them to use it against me They would use it against me the same way they used The five dollars at the fucking Comedy competition against me

If I tell these people I quit high school They're gonna lose it against me if I tell these people that I robbed the change jar From fucking Carville ice cream. They're gonna use it against me That's that's how I fucking lived my life. I was at the store in 97 And I still wasn't talking about prison I wasn't talking about none of this stuff because I dated a girl for fucking two years I dated a girl for Four years and she didn't find out until like 18 months

That had gone to prison. That's how ashamed of her that was And Then a couple of things happened I watched a stupid movie called family business And he told him he told the Matthew Broderick till I was shown the connery. He's going to prison and he goes Don't worry about it. It's like a hitch in the army. It builds character. I'm like well It did help me build some fucking character You know, but I'm still not gonna fucking say it. I'm still not gonna fucking talk about it

You know, I was very I was just fucking brutally ashamed You know, there was just a thousand and one things I had done that I didn't you know, I didn't even like I would never ever tell you people that I fucking Used to go into a fucking Kmart and bring back receipts. How low life is that that's that's as low life as could get But that's what my life was That's a reality of it. That's what my life was If I never told you that story, you guys would have never known about it And I would have been just fine. But no, I wanted you to know I wanted you guys to know everything

To see exactly and know exactly every step That I went through every step of the way And everything I did that I went through every step of pain everything So for fucking 95 96 97 But then in 97 something happened I used to have these articles

okay, because I was I was doing comedy and I was doing these triple runs and by 96 I was doing okay But what I would read in those days was I would read this comedy newspaper I'm sorry. I've talked about it before on the church

I forget what it was called. It was put out by john fox in san francisco And it was written by a bunch of comics They probably got paid dick or nothing at all and they used it as writing assignments Which is what you do in the beginning And it just broke down comedy. It was just a comedy newspaper That every week it just broke down comedy, you know, what clubs were hot It interviewed a certain comic It interviewed a comedy club owner

It interviewed bookers. It just let you know the ins and outs of comedy It was a pretty cute little fucking black and white and it was free. It was at all the comedy clubs And one month they had where they interviewed tim alan And I read the interview and it talked about how He had gone to prison And I was blown The fuck away I was blown the fuck away. I knew lennie bruce had been in jail

You know, like prior had been arrested people had been arrested. That's not what I was relating to Fucking tim alan did time So I was like, oh, thank god. And then when he got a deal from disney I was like, oh Okay There's one guy could relate to so

I went from being a hicks kennison dice prior guy And I reworked it and went all the way back to the early early beginnings Of tim alan his showtime specials. He did a couple showtime things. I forget what the name I'm really sorry guys with memory and all that stuff. Even though I take the alpha brain

There's just so many fucking specials that I have seen and comedy that by now I forget but All men or whatever he did like He did you know those like I did the degenerates For netflix he did one of those for showtime with other people I think correct me or Fact check me. I'm like trump now. You got to fact check me now When I do these things because I don't and I don't want you to fact check me because I'm lying

I want you to fact check me to tell me to To tell me what the fuck is going on Metapigs was that what he did for showtime? I'll show yeah, because he came on showtime first not hbo He was a showtime guy. I always thought hbo was the way to go on my showtime That's what fucking the b-week showtime hbo is the way to go but when tim allen did the fucking You know the when I found out that he had been to prison. I go fucking. I got to follow this guy I got a fine. There was no internet

You know, it wasn't like the speed of the internet that we have today with all the information So I just went down. What do you find out? Dirtiest doesn't come he's dirty a dozen There you go There you go, and there's all's on showtime Yeah, so that's what it was. So I had a retrace But it was whatever he did before 98 99

So I had to dig into showtime. I didn't have fucking showtime So thank god at the video store. I went to I asked one of the guys like there was one actual video of tim allen's But he was a tim allen fan and he goes I got a bunch of stuff on bhs I'll lend you you have to give it back to me at the end of the weekend So I go give it all to me and I looked at all of it all of it all of it all of it all of it all of it And then find anything about prison So I'm like, okay, maybe you're not supposed to talk about it

On stage, maybe you don't have to talk about prison or whatever But they let you be a stand-up comic no matter how you look at it At least I had somebody who was relatable to me. At least I had somebody I could relate to Okay He became my new fan. I I tried to watch two time, you know, I think it was in this Was it is that name? I don't know. I tried to watch full time home improvement. I'm really sorry That was the show in the show I really became a fan of his and I really liked him. I had never seen him out

You know at the county store or at the improv I had never seen tim allen out But I just knew that okay if tim allen did prison And he got a deal from disney I'll be okay. We'll figure it out if we ever get to that far. I didn't you know, I didn't look at it I didn't in those days. I wasn't looking to be on tv or looking to Be a fucking movie star. I wasn't looking to do anything. I was just looking for a life I was just looking for something new to do, you know

So I moved to la in 97 I became friends with Joe, you know after six or seven months I told Joe, you know, and I might keep it under a hat and he's like why and I'm like just Keep it under a hat, you know, I don't really Want people to know I told very few people like I told Ralphie, you know I told like Ari when I met Ari that I had done some time I wasn't specific like I would just tell people I did time They would say for what and I would just go burglarizing I never really opened up about the fucking kidnapping like I didn't have the balls

To say a story about it like once I was done with it. I was done with it And to be honest with yourself I was just doing myself at the service Because I wasn't talking about the shit people wanted to hear People wanted to hear about you know stand-up comedy Is how my my world collides with the rest of the world And that's what people want to hear. They didn't want to hear the fucking stupid knock-knock jokes. I was saying up to 2013 you know after

98 I started dabbing and more like I think 98 was the first time I broke cocaine up on stage Like I didn't even want people to know about my coke habit So I wasn't talking about coke and fucking Well, when I was an open mic and all those years I didn't talk about coke. I didn't talk about prison

I didn't talk about moms dying. I didn't talk about criminal acts I think I talked a little bit about sports betting maybe or aliens. Oh, yeah, I had a I had a joke in seattle What's your favorite team? The joke who covers the spread most people go to a game with a hat with a A team on it I go to I go to a game with a hat with a minus three on it. I mean that was the only fucking thing That I had in my act was maybe about gambling But none of this shit that you hear on here. I was too fucking embarrassed to even talk about it

So Let me tell you how life takes care of you If you don't commit 100 to your fucking whatever you're thinking of doing It's not gonna work out for you. How do I know? Because I know Because when you commit life takes care of you I'm doing my stand-up comedy It's about uh

It's about february or march of 99 I just got back from like a 14 month road gig 14 months On the road. I think I had maybe two weeks in LA The road trip had started like Early 98 And it just went it started like christmas of 97 I took a beat one night. I had to follow Doug stand up at the improv on a monday night

I got sandwiched in between Doug stand open nick de palo And it didn't go too well for uncle joey and I said fuck this. I can't keep bombing like this in LA I have to go out in the road and improve a little bit so I Got a job fucking selling screws and shit And they had a fax machine. I had a job had to be there fucking four in the morning Selling screws on ivar and off a hollywood boulevard. So I would snort coke at night Come down and sit behind the comedy store till four and then I would drive over to

Because four o'clock LA time is 7am california time So I would have to sell screws to people on the East coast and I started using their phone number and they had a long distance phone, obviously And their fax number and I started booking fucking work And I got busy I actually started booking work and I put together a tour and I fucking left for like 14 fucking months So now I'm back in LA. It's march of 99 I'm sitting there one day and I got a force from a I got a call

From a lady comic named Diane Ford Look her up. She's on youtube very fucking funny Very sweet lady. I don't know how the fuck she got my number But she called me and she says to me That uh She has a dirty show She's booking at the Sahara at the time

And if I wanted to be one of the three comics I'll tell you I still remember what it paid. It paid 1500 for two shows Which is more money that I'd ever seen in my fucking life So it paid 1500 bucks a hotel And they gave you a hundred dated a hundred dollars a day to eat At the time I'm making $15 a night at the comedy store $1,500 but there was a catch

I had to wear a tuxedo I'm like god Damn it What the fuck is wrong with me? I gotta fucking put on a tuxedo So I didn't have money for no fucking tuxedo. Where am I gonna get a tuxedo from? You gotta give me the 1500 first to get a tuxedo. So I went to my brother's Doug Stanhope He's the master of fucking suits and I go Doug Where do I get a tuxedo at because just go right down the corner of Melrose

Right off of Melrose Boulevard over there. They sell tuxedos. It's like a second hand store And I walked in and I got a nice one. I got like a fucking, you know The black with the fucking nice. I look like one of those fucking waiters in a nice restaurant I think it was like for the Cumberbund a whole fucking thing And I was huge that I look like Wayne Newton before the operation. I look like I was 99 I was maybe 300 pounds But no lifting body just a fucking gut and shit. So

I get this fucking I mean i'm stressing about the tuxedo The date is in july. I get booked in march The date is in july So it's supposed to be me david tal And somebody else the other comic Was just as big as david tal me. I was a feature act. I was a glorified feature act

I was funny. I was dirty. I was working out of the comedy store and it was 99 I had shot the pilot for cbs I had shot baseball Uh You know I was halfway there Did you ever hear about how rogan tells that he hung out with me and that for two or three years I was struggling and one day I got really funny

Remember he talks about that he said at a thousand times in his podcast Pay attention So i'm supposed to work at the desert in With uh a tell and I think it was maybe louis ck or something like that And I call her up the week of the gig And she goes you're still on you're confirmed Your hotel room will be ready

Three o'clock on friday. I had no car. A dear friend of mine drove me Uh miss him dearly. I don't know where he is today And I remember a dear friend of mine from houston who I still talked to Nothing sexual. She was just a dear friend. I was so nervous. It was my first time performing in vegas You know, I was performing with david tell and louis ck You know, I had met I think I was friends with louis ck already I met louis ck at 95 in seattle I don't think I met a tell but I was a huge fucking fan of his

That's when he had that joke about uh, you know Who likes fireworks raise your hooks, you know, like all that shit, you know, I was fucking dying You know, I love david tell I'm fucking all excited to work with david tell I called diane ford to check in What do you think diane ford says to me? She's like i'm happy you called you're confirmed The other two comics cancelled I go god damn it

There's my chance to work with david fucking to tell god damn it I'm a fucking fan. I fucking dine to work with him I've watched him but to work with him and to maybe talk to him a little bit and to fucking learn Fuck So, you know what it has nothing to do with me, man. I got a job I'm gonna pick up 1500 bucks. I could pay the attorney. I could pay child support. I could snore coke Oh At least you know, you know I'm saying

All my fucking problems are solved, you know at that in those days I had 18 fucking hands to fucking palm Every time I got a check every time I got a check I had a grease 18 palms and 10 of them were palms that I wanted to kill my ex-wife the attorneys Fucking child support, you know, they'd never fucking stop in those days. So I don't worry about who's gonna be on the bill. I don't even think about it. Okay. No big fucking deal I fucking Drive to vegas I get out of the car. I go to my hotel room. I go upstairs

Uh, dianne fort calls me and she goes to the shows late o'clock be that 7 30 You know in that whole conversation I did not ask her who I was working with or who were the replacements with I never even fucking seen it coming I put my fucking tuxedo on I look like a A two-pound baloney in a one-pound bag, you know my fucking tuxedo And I walked to the green room

When I walked into the green room there was one comic in there and the comic's name was tim alan Is It's fucking tim alan Fucking shining his shoes, you know, like a guy has a foot up on a counter and they're shining their shoes He's fucking shining his shoes and I'm like Oh My god I felt like one of those fags when it rains on the gay pride

Like I just started sweating profusiously like somebody rained on my parade Like I'm saying this because one time I was living in hollywood in the rain during gay pride And I saw one of the gay guys lived down the block from me and I saw him with his little flower We'll fucking all fucked up. I think it's like somebody rained on my parade. So I was laughing about that. That's right Bro, I saw tim alan. I was like, what the fuck is this? And then it was me tim alan and vini favorito a kid out of boston. He's back in boston now Let me tell you something man. I just say nothing dianne fort came in

And she goes tim alan joey deas joey deas tim alan we shook hands I didn't say nothing. In fact, he fucking came to me and he's like, hey man Can you do extra time? And I'm like, yeah Why he goes? I haven't been on stage in months. I don't know what this is going to be like. And I'm like, I got you Don't worry about nothing. I didn't play him. I didn't try to be fucking cute I just shut my mouth and I drank my water You know, I just so happened to go on stage that night and by the luck of god I leveled the fucking room

And he came over to me and said that was great kid And how long have you been doing this? And I told him, you know, I took like about an hour or so and I guess I think we went back to his room He said, do you want to come back to the room and get something to eat? So we get back to the room and after about an hour, I try, you know, you try to control yourself You know, you try not to be a half a fan go. I'm a huge fan. You know, I went to prison, you know So after about an hour or so, I think maybe the next night I said them you know

listen I just want to tell you something that you Help me get from point A to point B. You were like my federal express I go I had a felony. I went to prison And I got into comedy and then I realized that you know, I had a felony How far could I go make this a career? I didn't know if clubs did background checks. You know, I just didn't know at the time And once I saw that you had gone to prison

It made my life my life a lot easier. I go. I'm such a fan of yours That when I had to pick on what city to go on the road first, I picked Detroit out of homage to you I go, in fact, I even tried to play mark ridley's Comedy club, but they said that was a bit too dirty and he's like fuck them, you know, like he was really cool at them and he goes I told my I ended up playing Dearborn joey's and Dearborn And that you know, if it wasn't for him, then it is the truth Because canis in prior all those guys had inspired me to do stand-up But once, you know, I went to prison. It was completely different

And I told my gun to prison and I don't know what happened We went into a four fucking hour talk And he told me the importance of being honest on stage And letting your audience know the truth. He goes, tell him Tell him make jokes around it right around it Because he goes, you don't want to not tell him because that's Part of who you are You know, you quit in high school, you know, I told him the same story. I'm telling you guys, you know, you quit in high school

That's part of who you are today It's in your DNA. It's a part of who you are. It's part of your persona on stage You got to tell him everything and then some You just can't tell him a little bit of your life If you open that door, you got it's like, you know, when you when you're writing They say not to open up a door unless you're gonna close it So if you're gonna open up that fucking door, you better open up that fucking door You know, if you listen to podcasting, I started with Beauty and the Beast

Same thing happened there. It was just two people talking Until one day I told the story about mugging a hooker and light her wig on fire and everything changed Everything changed Because my guts came out My guts came out. Now you've become indebted to me So, you know, I found that at that point when I had to talk with Tim Allen that What the fuck was going on now two things happened That summer me and that girl broke up and I had that talk with Tim Allen

Me and the crazy stripper girl broke up who I just spoke to a couple days ago. She's doing great I still love it at that 20 years later without her. I would have never got to LA But we broke up and we weren't getting along, you know, my expectations of LA Her of LA and her expectations were completely different Uh, but that's where Joe Rogan says he got really fucking funny. I don't know where I don't know what happened Why? A I became honest on stage and b I stopped dating that girl Most of my energy was focused on her, but let's not blame her

Let's not blame her. Let's blame Tim Allen for telling me To be honest on stage That was the most important thing and that's why when I'm doing podcast When I'm on fucking stage, I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck if somebody like I'll tell you You know everything I already did just by us talking here There's a couple things I left out because it involves certain people Or it would sink somebody else's name in it

But anything I've done I've brought to the stage whether it be the performing stage Or the podcast stage because nothing should be held back So if you're a comic And you have like an uncle who's a junkie, but you're scared about talking about him. Fuck him Talk about him. It's his fault. He's snorting glue. That's got nothing to do with you If he wants to be an idiot and droop on this fucking shirt, you got to talk about it Nothing is yeah. Yeah, it's the truth Nothing is sacred

So that shame that I had over fucking quitting high school and fucking, you know, you just you're just ashamed about things Don't ever be ashamed about him. First of all, you can't fucking bring him back There's nothing I could do to undo that fucking belt. Nothing I could do It's done. I did it and I moved forward Until I can't be came honest with it. I wasn't moving forward Think about that. Well, I didn't say none of nobody Today you guys know everything about me You guys know everything about me. The only thing I've never gotten into you guys

There's been like the death of my father Like the real death of my father. I'm saving for the book You know, there's a couple things I got to hold back But you guys know everything I did No matter how bad Or how good it is. I don't give a fuck because it's who you are And when you're doing stand-up, it's fucking crucial It's crucial to be fucking honest on fucking stage

When you're on stage, who the fuck are you talking to? Who do you think you're talking to? Do you really think you're talking to an audience? You as a comic are talking to ghosts You never knew that You never knew that that that's what you're talking to You're taking all the skeletons out of your fucking closet When you want to be that good, you have to compare the skeletons in your closet To the skeletons that are going on in life right now

If that's the simplest way to put it for you So if you ever wondered why I was that much of a shame, it's because Dog think about being 25 already having two felonies and being a high school dropout What the fuck are your chances? I had no chance. This is why I tell you people I shouldn't be here This is why I did the podcast a couple weeks ago about At 58 where I thought I would be I thought I would be in fucking prison Because I had no future at 25

Or at least I thought that That's the only person who thought that me Nobody else around me thought that some of you guys do some of you younger guys do That if you guys have one mark against you when you're 23, you don't have a life and that's bullshit Don't let a felony A DUI you made a mistake You made a mistake. I made a mistake as a kid Yeah, I knew what I was doing when I kidnap Vella. I'm not gonna lie to you. I didn't know what I was doing

It was a mistake. How do I know it was a mistake because it was never done again So now today I come out here and I talk about it and we goof about it And I have a great time and everybody's fucking happy. Do you think I'm ashamed about what I did to Vella? Now today In 2021 I'm a little bit ashamed. I did that to another human being But I'm not as ashamed as I was In 1999, you know 12 years after it happened I was living like, you know, they fucking like I'm living under the fucking behind the corners

They know I'm doing this. They know I did it No, and that set me free and that made me the comic that I am today Tell the truth. Whatever the fuck happened in your past. It was the fucking past. Who gives a fuck? Nobody really gives a fuck at the end of the week Do you think anybody gives a fuck now today that mike tyson raped the chick 20 years ago and you heard somebody bring it up? Do you think anybody gives a fuck? About michael vick with the dogs that happened 10 years ago. No No, do you think you know only?

But I guarantee you Not my tyson as much as michael vick it stays in your head It's it's basically new. It's 10 years ago. You know when that went down michael vick 10 12 13 years ago I guarantee you mike. I'm not upset over the kidnapping no more I'm ashamed to have a felony. I'm ashamed that i'm not a proper american because of the felony But guess what the felony isn't what I was worried about It was the truth that you guys needed to hear That's the most important thing if you're a stand-up write that fucking down

When you go up on stage tell the truth Tell the truth and tell the most if you really want to get over a hump in your life Tell the most disturbing thing in your life to an audience That'll ease bombing when you're telling an audience one of your upmost deepest secrets Bombing doesn't really matter After that you're like Ah Who gives a fuck about bombing? I told him the other night. I got fucked in the ass with a cucumber in the eighth grade

Who cares about bombing? Do you see them saying to you? That's worse than bombing Sometimes saying the truth is worse than fucking bombing. So this stand this podcast Was more for comics than for you know general people But I hope you get something out of this podcast too. Just tell the truth There's nothing to be ashamed of if you're planning on redeeming yourself. Who gives a fuck I always had them plans on redeeming myself Not this way I always thought I would come through in a different manner not this way

But today who gave us a fuck about the 1986 kidnapping at Kent Vella Not me. I don't even think Kent gives a fuck about it no more If you want I'll call him and ask him for you. I don't think he even gives a fuck about it no more You know, that's why it bothered me some time. Is that like who's mad at luis ck today? Nobody Is there anybody, you know all those people that made such a big fuss Is there any of those people that ever called the girls and see how they're doing today not really And I bet both of those girls are doing great today too, you know

We think what's that we make things worse than they are in our mind Sometimes I know I did So if you got anything from today's podcast is Just tell the fucking truth. What do you got to be ashamed of? Who gives a fuck and you're gonna ruin it with a fucking line? That's when I really put it all together after talking to fucking Tim Allen And then the woolly nelson line in the thief lie to nobody Who the fuck are they that you have to lie to them too?

If they're a friend of yours, you're gonna ruin it with a lie And if not again, who the fuck are they that you got to lie to them? That's it. And that's that It's monday february 1st. I know what we're trying to do Is have a better life and be better every fucking day So I hope that's a great lesson for you on a beautiful monday morning before you go There's something like I gotta do I do this a lot on patreon But I wanted to do it on here today Because I just wanted to I was talking to a friend of mine ever since I was in jersey. I moved to jersey

I have a lot of friends that talked me about medical marijuana like what's going on medical marijuana You know like not medical marijuana, but A lot of people now since they legalized it in Jersey they've been people have been asking me like what am I gonna expect And I do a segment on patreon Just about weed one day a week, you know once every two weeks I'll put a video up about a product that I really like whether it's uh, what do we do like the sprays? We did the abx abx capsules

you know Something else which one maven maven, you know today. I'm gonna give you another little gift This is one of my favorite about the uh A year and a half ago. I came to new york to shoot the sopranos and I went to urban trees And I bought the mavens and stuff like that And they had a special the guy said to me that's a pretty good weed It's made by this company ziki who I've ended up loving Uh, he goes it's an ounce. I think it's two and a quarter which is special

So I was coming home for three weeks. I had like two or three ounces, but I go, you know what? I like to give away a lot of weed to some of my friends people on the set Give me an ounce of that may of this kiwi uh ziki kiwi ziki give me an ounce of the ziki And I'll just give it away to my friends people on the set, you know, it's I didn't know it was This good of weed. So I brought it back with me. I put it in the boxing glove And I flew back and one day I actually went to kickbox I'm in the boxing glove and I'm like, holy shit. I got an ounce of weed in here. It was a big bag and you know

I think this one is The soda Fucking let me tell you something I took that bag I had brought so much weed with me that I just gave away the weed I had When I found this in the bag in the boxing glove at kickbox and I go I'll start smoking this now. I put it in the second compartment And you know what that the following week I didn't need that weed. I didn't smoke

My ziki weed till I got back to LA one night I ran out of weed and I go, oh I got that ounce in the bag and when I opened up this little fucking bag It was Fucking tremendous. Just looking at the weed. I go Wow It had like that green to it and I fucking broke it up and I fucking smoked and I was stoned to the fucking gills And here I am going I had all that other weed that I thought was really good This one

Beats all of them up. So I started looking into this more and more and I started And you start when you go for weed for all you guys that travel to colorado Vegas, california, and you get off off the plane and you look at a box and the way it's packaged You're like, oh my god. That's so cool. Well, that's so mr. That's so cool That box with all those designs are 90 fucking dollars for three and a half grams Just because they give you a little tray and they box it up And they put a wrapper around it and they tell you what the percentage is and all that shit suckers like you Pay 90 dollars, but you'll see something like this

And you go, I'm not gonna get this but in the meantime This is the shit that you're looking for it's the ziki now. I do this thing on patreon I'm doing it for you guys this week because I love you because I want you to everybody Smokes fucking dope that I know and everybody's a fucking professional. I gotta assume This is the motherfucking weed you want to be smoking. Do they tell you what percentage it is in here or anything nothing They don't tell you nothing. That's when you know our company is deadly. We don't even tell you You decide for yourself what the strength is it's very easy You just open up this little pouch

It stays in the pouch See they don't spend their money on all that other shit that knuckleheads getting fucking all You know creepy over they spend their money On reefer that's what their money is And the only thing that's in here Is a little stay fresh thing this keeps your reefer Nice and fresh and moist you put that back in there There's nowhere on this envelope where it tells you 34

28% You don't need to know bitch That's the way ziki wants you to have this a surprise So if you're in the california area because I know for sure They carry this at urban trees. I've been holding these for months I just bought like 25 000 of these things and I just saved my god. I'm scattered all over and when things get deep I go to my fucking ziki They got a fucking what's the one I gave you this

That the d33 What's it saying? C4. Oh my god, they got nothing. They got a pb And cuz or something like that the one I posted yesterday two days ago on twitter And this one the fucking cola They got one that's a fucking icy That'll fucking kill you. Do you understand me? It'll fucking kill you

So if you go to urban trees Or any other dispensary and you see this ziki You fucking pick it up. Whether it's icy cola What is that c4 through your door? Whatever the fuck you want. This is the weed right here that fucking this is the weed that trump had that This is this weed they gave trump to get him out of the white house. I think they got trump out of the white house He's like i'm not going nowhere

Recount pennsylvania. They're like trumpy donald baby. Come on. Relax. Just take a hit off this. We're going to marlago It's gonna be all right. I'm telling you Recount pennsylvania Donnie baby. Come on. This is the weed trump smoke. He's happy again. You haven't heard from it in a week He's tweeting to the martians Yeah, this is what they gave him he was yelling he ain't going nowhere Donnie baby. Come on. We got a little ziki weed for you there the rest is history I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week if it's snow and stay home mind your business. Nobody knows nothing

Stay black. Thank you for watching uncle joey's join and now For a word from our sponsors bitches All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you for paying attention today and listening And for fucking being here and supporting me whether it's on the joint patreon twitter Facebook coming to the shows whatever the fuck you do. I love you either way But anyway before we get out of here the joint is brought to you by on it. Listen. I've been with on it for years I know the owners I know how hard

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