Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #036 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Thursday, February 4th.... Today, we talked about leaving tracks in the snow..... This episode is brought to you by Relief Band & DraftKings...... Go to https://www.ReliefBand.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happening you bad motherfuckers? It's Thursday, February 4th. The joint is brought to you by Relief Band. Do you know that a third of Americans regularly suffer from nausea? Listen, after this surgery those pills got me nauseous as fuck. I got relief band. I put it on It's on me every day since I've had the surgery it helps with the recuperation and This is why I love it. Relief Band is the number one FDA cleared anti-nausea risk band That has been clinically proven to believe and prevent nausea and vomiting The product is a hundred percent drug-free so it doesn't make you drowsy and has zero Side effects. How do I know? Because I've been using it for the last four weeks

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That's what I'm talking about. So head over to Relief Band R E L I E F B A N D dot-com and use promo code Joey to receive 20% off and get relief from that nausea. You're gonna be you're gonna you're gonna tweet me Joey Thank you. Thank you for it for referring me to relief band Now from the heart of Jersey I'm bringing you draft Kings and if there's a weekend for draft Kings. It's this weekend. Why Joey? What's going on? I've been living under a fucking rock. Well, let me tell you cock sucker

It's the 55th Super Bowl this Sunday Bucking the is versus the Chiefs. It's going down in fucking Tampa. They're letting people in they don't give a fuck about COVID they don't give a fuck about nothing this game deserves a big prize All right, not just some fucking trophy that some old guy gives you a bad breath to finish off the football season Draft King sportsbook America's top rated sportsbook app is giving you all you players a no-brainer offer Are you ready for this to celebrate the football finale? draft King sportsbook is doubling your money if the touchdown is scored in the big game

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This is the weekend to start go to draft Kings right now download the draft Kings sports book app use promo code Joey I'm even lighting a candle for you for tonight. So go bet the fucking Lakers Against the Nuggets there you go candles lit. I love you motherfuckers What's happening What's happening you bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey here Thursday, February 4th. I'm sorry about the podcast this week because of the snow and shit I didn't want Mike driving around and all that shit plus Thursday is a great day to release a podcast Nobody misses out nothing Friday. That's a fucked up day. We got about a fucking foot of snow up here

My daughter was fucking ecstatic. I went out there I can't do dick if I fall I fucking go back to the hospital. So I was out there walking around and stuff Fuck the snow was beautiful. I forgot how much I missed it man. Fuck them beautiful There's parts of New Jersey where they got 34 fucking inches of snow. I mean, it was just fucking beautiful They took a sleigh riding yesterday She went over there with Jimmy Florentine's son and a bunch of other kids and my wife went down the hill Our neighbor Frank went down the hill But they had a great time and that's all that mattered it wasn't that fucking cold nobody was dying

It was just a regular went the fucking snow storm. They haven't had this much snow And I don't know how many fucking years, but it was great. I gotta tell you something while reminding me about snow real quick The cop that I turned myself into that pulled the gun on me when I fucking kidnapped Bella Became my friend on Facebook. So how's that for you motherfuckers? I sent them a note and I friend of them James Cola great guy. He was involved in the Jon Benet murders He was one of the investigators in the Jon Benet murders I saw him on CBS one day and I sent them a fuck. You see the type of guy I am I saw him doing a Jon Benet thing and I sent I looked them up on Facebook

I sent them a fucking email on Facebook. He never returned it back to me I was like, what the fuck, you know, but I sent them a really nice when I told him that he arrested me That fucking You know, I'm a comic now. I've done well for myself. I turned my life around and he friended me And he sent me a nice note. How's that at the 37 fucking years? Who's better than you cuck suckers? That's what's being called relentless right there now the other cop that I rest of me He could burn in hell. I don't give a fuck about him, but Jimmy Cola was a good fucking cop But anyway today we're gonna cover one of the spectrums of the mind of Joey Diaz and that's addiction

And one of the addictions one of the parts of addiction that I consider an addiction that people wouldn't consider an addiction It was when I was a kleptomaniac. I was a professional fucking kleptomaniac It's embarrassing to even talk about I've had listen. I've gone through the whole spectrum of problems as a kid from five to seven I was like a professional was like a semi-pro Pyro maniac like a life fire is anywhere. I knew how to control oxygen You know, I did the Boy Scouts for like two days. I just knew different things I knew where to set a fire how the wind would blow I mean it was fucking crazy and then one day I almost burnt out a building and I stopped being a fucking pyro maniac

Nobody deserves to fucking. I think I burned myself at the same time. I said this pyro shit ain't for me As a kid I got to be honest with you. I was such a Catholic I wouldn't think of fucking clipping anything It wasn't till I got out of Catholic school that I started clipping bicycles and stuff like that And I didn't look at them as clipping them. It wasn't me that was actually Getting on the bike and riding the bike and the kids like hey come back. No, that wasn't me I don't want you to think I was that type of person. I was involved in daily operations Maybe investing in paint

Selling the bike from whatever. I'm a salesman not a fucking, you know But the klepto thing started after my mother died, you know, once everything broke down in my life I became a fucking professional klepto. I mean, I just had a fucking steal it I had a fucking steal shit and it went on for years. It was a disease. I fought for fucking years The only problem is there's no klepto's anonymous There's nothing for the fucking klepto the klepto just lays there if you're an Alki They got a problem for you if you suck 20 dicks in one year They got a fucking meeting for you. They got a meeting for everything

But if you're a klepto, they got no meetings for klepto's fucking anonymous So it's tough to tell these fucking stories or to be honest about them because and it's just the truth I'm just trying to this is one of the fucking things of the circle Addiction addiction part of an addiction is Something stupid that you're doing and I hide it like I was robbing drug dealers and I was robbing a jewelry store That's fucking one thing. That's called burglary. That's a complete fucking different thing But when you got to take a fucking like, you know, I would have to steal a lighter Like shit like that like I would do dumb shit

You know, I was just talking to somebody maybe a month ago or something. I go does that person still work with you? It was longer than that because it had to be before the pandemic And they said that that person didn't work with them no more because the shirts always came too short Every night after a show Even though he sold a hundred shirts the money would always be missing for two fucking shirts. That was me You know I'm saying like now he's got four guys helping him He's got to sit there every night like a fucking swarmy and see who's got enough balls to steal two You know $22 shirts from memory fucking night and I laughed because that was me in

My mind and you're in the klepto's mind. He always has to get over You know, even if they give you six shrimp, you got to take seven, you know, I'm saying nothing is Fucking good enough. I remember pulling up to the fucking comedy store one day and 1999 maybe to get a check pulling up there and seeing 10 cases of booze

Outside, you know at the liquor guy have left off that they weren't inside and me having to fight the fucking urge To steal all ten of those because I knew it was easy money or you got to put them in a trunk of your car and go to Liquor store and give them a price go to their shelves see what they charge for it go to the car Turn, you know, give them a case for half price and they'll fucking Buy all eight of them, but I knew I was smart enough that that was my place of business at the time I had already matured. I was 30 years old I didn't want to fucking get thrown on the comedy store for stealing booze, but that's how long it was still in my blood I just want to let you guys know but the peak of it

Was when I was 20 fucking years old, you know What made me think about this whole thing was this fucking snow The other day I was outside when it first started snowing I was watching my daughter with the neighbor's kids Going up and down and I saw when she came up She left footsteps and I thought about this fucking story that it's just mind-boggling that I did knowing You know when I moved to Colorado by the time I got to Colorado. I was already damaged goods. Let's not get I Will tell you one thing about when I first went to Colorado in 83 I

Did I wasn't the junkie I ended up becoming I still had everything under control? Believe it or not. I had to re-front the control The alcohol was very minimal. I was playing a role So I was not doing coke in public. I think From July from April of 83 To February of 84 If I tell you I snorted twice a month That was in those days come on guys

I would I ended up doing coke seven nights a week So I wasn't really the drugs were still under check. I had taken some valiums. I had done heroin at that age But up there when I was living a snow mass between April of 83 and February of 84 My world was basically reefer. It was 92% reefer. I think I took a Kauai Lude Maybe two or three times take a Kauai Lude on Halloween. Thank God Because we were dressed as abortions if we would have gone up to the fucking parade. They would have fucking killed us. I

Took a Kauai Lude on. Thanks guys. Where they got me and my buddies my roommate dressed up like abortions We put hangers around our neck and we put long underwear on and we were watching Monday night football We ate a Kauai Lude. We're like we'll wait till the Kauai Lude hits and then we'll go to fucking Monday night Madness up there for Halloween up and that aspen has like a more crawl like boulder Boulder and asthma both known for their halloween's and fucking next thing you know, we wake up. It's four in the morning It's Tuesday. Man, he's laying there with a hanger around his fucking neck Unfucking believable so then fucking Thanksgiving I ate a Kauai Lude and I think New Year's Eve Maybe I ate a Kauai Lude. My drug problem was on the check. So there was no reason for me to act how I was acting. I

Got You know every month in college It was funny because one time Joe went to Boulder and he I called him when he was there And I go, what do you think about me goes all I could think about is You fucking What, you know living here and it's like a candy store for you say a kid in the fucking candy store I go, please you should have seen snowmass in 83 and he was exactly right. That was like a kid in a candy store I'd come from an area where everything is locked up and

Northburg in New Jersey, everything's locked up your car. You fucking lock up your bike You you put two locks on your shed. You put fucking titanium explosives, you know, and then you're in Colorado and people leave They call windows open they cause open they have ski closets and they live skis in there And you can just take the skis and sell them secondhand. I mean the trust value was Fucking phenomenal and for a knucklehead like me. I just took it, you know, I was a fucking knucklehead Why do you think I? Mean my two options when I went to move were either Colorado or New Jersey, you know, I didn't go back to Colorado

Because of the embarrassment I have towards that state towards those mountains those mountains were beautiful I always wanted to go to Colorado ever since I was a kid and I'd watch like the news or they show you like this shows Coming on tonight nine o'clock Pacific ten o'clock mountain. I'm like mountain Who lives on a fucking mountain? I want to go see that fucking mountain So I ended up going out there and I ended up acting like a fucking asshole Ended up doing time ended up getting the voice. So I don't deserve Colorado. That's God's country But till this day, I still feel that strongly that I like shit on Colorado I was like a fucking asshole. It wasn't a place for me to act that way. But at that time, I didn't know any better

I was just a young Stupid kid who had lost his mother and thought the world owed him something. That's what I thought So if you weren't gonna give it to me, I'm gonna fucking take it And that's not the right fucking attitude to have at that age But and I had to actually work on my klepto skills Like I actually had to wake up. You know how I write my goals today I used to have to wake up and go like today. I'm not gonna fucking steal And I didn't know about writing it down or anything like that. I would just say it to myself in the shower like

Today, I'm not gonna fucking steal Like I would you know, I told you the story when I got the job at the fucking Mazz back hardware and I want the guy told me to go upstairs to eat lunch And I went upstairs to eat lunch and I wanted to I thought the lunches were for free And I opened up the cabinet and there's fucking a sandwich in there with like milk or something I ate the whole fucking thing. I don't even know what the fuck it was I just told the story on the church and ten minutes later this big black guy comes in He's like somebody stole my mother fucking lunch and he ripped the fucking thing off the thing like I did shit like that

Not because I was a douche bag. Just I didn't know better But by the time I got the fucking snowmass I fucking knew better and I was just dog. I was taking everything Everything but when I tell you that I would have to fucking tell myself like I'm not stealing nothing today I'm not stealing like it like all right. I joined give us an example When I work for chip Mason chip Chilson Masonry right, I Would always take home two bags of concrete

And sell them just just just you know knucklehead shit At lunchtime I go get two bags of concrete And put them on and put my fucking winter jacket over it Or whatever I had in the back of the truck And once I would have like 10 bags I go up to the job site and sell them for fucking like $30 Like shit like that. Like I was just a fucking Stupid klepto. You know what I'm saying Like it was entertaining and I did shit, but then I would control myself

But then I was like, oh, let me have a cocktail. This is when he got really creepy This is when the kleptoism got really creepy when I would have a cocktail I would have I would drink southern comfort and orange juice those days The most disgusting shit in the world you could drink. Who the fuck drinks southern component got orange juice I would drink two of them and get fucked up and then I'd have to steal something You have no idea how many things I stole Did you remember him like the next day? Oh, yeah Like there was this dude that had a heart on for me

I don't know why he didn't like me a snowman. I didn't like him too much either He had like a edge of white privilege He was very white privilege and he owned like a sandwich shop And one day I went in there and he gave me a fucking hard time Second time I went in there. He gave me like a hard time. Like, you know, ham and cheese What type of cheese? I don't have to ask you again. Like he was like a half a tough guy I wasn't a tough guy. So I said, you know, whatever He made a gate a great three cheese sandwich. I remember that they made great three cheese sandwiches

Well, one September I'm walking around up there and a friend of mine actually worked for him I became friends with him after spending time up there and I went up there to see if my friend was I think he sold weed I don't want to fucking know And I went around the back and sure enough the door was open And I fucking went in and I just robbed everything There was a bank bag right on top of the thing. I just took it. I think it was like 1,800 bucks I went up to Aspen. I bought a stereo Speakers I bought the first Madonna album

I bought I bought the first d.o album holy diver You know, I did shit like that. I hated that guy that owned that business Plus he was a musician He was a conga player at night at a different bar the bar that was next to the The john denviz So one night I told my buddy I go car hall the dude who punched fucking shotgun dugs friend And knocked him out car hall was an animal by that time. I knew car hall Was all the way in so me and carla at this bar. I worked at the tower restaurant

That was john denviz restaurant. I was a dishwasher and I had the night off So I said, let me go fuck it up and call a little bit So there was a bar next to the diner to the tower Restaurant, I don't know what the fuck name of the bar was So call didn't like that dude either Call did not like that fucking dude who played the congas and owned the fucking sandwich shop cheese Call got fucked up one night and I walk in there and I get a fucking

whatever a fucking Jagged a whatever fuck a sour whatever fuck it. What was I drinking all right? Or no, a southern comforted southern comforted ours juice I got two of me and lit me already right like christmas eve I swear to god christmas eve 1983 I go in there It's maybe six people call

A guy with a guitar like playing like a classical guitar and the guy that owns the restaurant playing the bongos I take a look at call I go look at that fucking hump That fucking sack of shit. I can't stand them. Carl looks at me. He was a redneck. He's like I don't like him myself I said he goes watch this and he went and he got a fucking beer and he shook it up He shook it up. He shook it up. He shook it up and he walked over to the guy And he just unloaded the beer and the conga played his face And he got up and he's like, how fucking kill you and call goes come on. I'll see you outside tough guy

Carl ran outside the guy chased him. I got up and picked up the guy's conga and ran out the back door And I sold it to my neighbor for the small 25 that night, you know saying that's how we ran those days, dog That guy looked for that conga for fucking months. He couldn't find that fucking conga I forgot all about that story You see what i'm saying? I got plenty of stories. You guys thought I ran out of them I just had to dig this is what happens when you write a book you think about all that shit Because I've been making notes on little things now that i'm writing Every time I see something I make a little note and I go I got a latest dog that night was tremendous

That dude looked for that conga drum for fucking years Listen, I left in february of 84 I came back in october november of 86 And car hall pulled me over one night. He goes Do you know that dude is still looking for that conga drum? I had forgotten all about the conga drum

We had died He had even at one point put like a help wanted sign like a a sign all around snowmass village and aspen Looking for that specific conga. The guy sold it. There was a conga specialist He was a real conga player. This guy was a fucking Mozambique this fucking guy sold it to really knew about the conga. He wasn't It was a worth a lot of conga. It was a lot of it It wasn't like an LP LP was the conga of choice when I was growing up that was the brand But this was like a fucking hot. He had like custom made somewhere. I stole the man's conga

How fucking crazy am I? so it's funny because that was who I was back then and I tamed it. I tamed it for a long time And then I couldn't tame it anymore like I tried to put in a capsule for a long time You know the summer of 84 83 I spent my whole summer shooting That's all I did Saturdays and Sundays

Shooting learning how to make bombs how to make trip wires You know, this guy was training me to be a fucking masochist Like he was just training me to do some crazy things and I loved I loved it I wanted to be that person, you know, I don't want to be that person today But that's why I was training to be he was teaching me how to shoot for the scope I mean this guy was teaching me how to do some crazy fucking stuff, you know Once I moved to snowmass village. It was harder for me to see fred You know, I would see him instead of four times a month on the weekends

I would see him just like, you know, once I started taking classes and Fucking working for the electrician the whole thing I wouldn't see them that much, you know, I was working Saturdays so I couldn't go shoot that much That's when my kleptoism Got high and now I wouldn't klepto from people that I knew I would just klepto and klepto when I say klepto I mean the complete fucking package. I was just a fucking nutcase I mean, you know, everything had a question mark to me like I would walk past an eyeglass place

And said to myself, I wonder if they got 50,000 In the fucking safe and I would convince myself That they had 50 that it was like the most retarded thing I ever did in my life I would convince myself that there was $50,000 in there That I would break in there and then be fucking with guts in the fucking safe and I get pissed off of myself Let me tell you something. You know that a lot of yous watch those cop videos and see Amateurs like, you know Fucking crooks that make mistakes. You don't need to watch those. Just ask me. I got plenty of those fucking stories

Especially in the fucking snow That's what was making me think about all this That once the snow got added to my fucking element, it was tough being a klepto because you leave tracks. It's tough It's tough being a fucking klepto because they got you with the fucking tracks I had to learn how to work around that shit So I was a klepto full time Until it started snowing and then my roommate brought it up to me. He's like dog They're gonna catch you with the fucking tracks with those fucking boots

You gotta wear boots that people that are very popular You know, so everybody had sorrel's I guess they call them sorrel's boots. That's what they had So how to get sorrel's that were really popular To fucking shoplift, you know But I at that time I had watched a movie called the thief With james con I was doing all these little klepto moves And I felt it was time for me to pull the fucking trigger I felt it was time for me to go fucking big time

so between us I always told you I took classes and I took residential wiring as an elective I took residential wiring So I could learn how to break into a fucking house Make sense to you now You think I took residential wiring because I was crazy about being an electrician No, I took residential wiring

Because it would give me an intro into wiring And then it just so happened I got good at it and I started working for an electrician And while I was working for the electrician, I met another man that today I actually think He was in a witness relocation plan Today he wasn't a new york guy not a mobster guy For some reason now today in hindsight, you know 2020 I think the guy was a fucking relocated witness

He was a deadly killer I did not know that He had a sweet fucking wife I basically Lived over there and started off where I forget his name You know, I love to reach out to them now And thank them for how they treated me. They didn't have kids He was one of the top electricians at the company

Uh, they assigned me to him After I fucking fucked up the other guy The other guy that we beat with the stick down there in fucking carbondale They assigned me to him He taught me a lot about electricity But I could tell one night we were having a conversation. He had a little wild side to him So I started asking him about alarms And he started teaching me about alarms

You know where to cut them this that how to bypass them You know, he taught me little stuff We actually did two or three little jobs. We didn't steal nothing Just to learn how to bypass the alarm, you know It was 83 It wasn't like it wasn't nothing very eccentric Nothing like lights or beams or there was no cameras. So there was less to worry about It was just a common, you know break through the

If you could get through the alarm box and move some wires You could open up a window and get in there, you know, I wasn't no high level fucking pink panther I don't want you to think that either, you know, I in my head That's who I wanted to be, you know, I was lifting weights. I was running Everything I did was to help me be a better thief. This is a very sad story to tell But it's a very true story, you know So the big thing I was working up for Was a job I was going to take down

around between Christmas And New Year's Eve. I was going to take down I had already taken down a bunch of places and I had already Raised a flag in snowmass village Now they were looking they couldn't put their finger on who was doing it So I cooled down for like two and a half three weeks

I cooled down. I left them completely In their tracks. They didn't know what the fuck to think You know me dog. I always got three things ahead of me. So I made a decision to go back to New Jersey February 1st of 84 I had some money put away. Do you know that? Do you know I actually put away good money? Not a million dollars not a half a million dollars not a quarter of a million dollars I probably had a couple grand. I don't know eight nine grand. I don't know And in those days that was good enough for me

That was good enough for anybody But it wasn't good enough for the club though me Plus I had a block of ash I had a couple ounces of fucking coke. I had a bag of fucking jewelry. I didn't have anything at my house I was working on a construction project a four-week project with this whole man And he was redoing these five condos So he told me that the third condo in the middle The people only come in July. They don't even come in the winter. They don't like skiing

They only came there for the tool of France like the bike thing and some balloon races some shit So he told me he goes if you ever Are in a bind go underneath and take the key out you could They had food in there the tv worked the fucking phone worked So what I did was I didn't involve their house because if they came home, then I would be stuck They had a little ski claws outside I didn't break the lock. I just didn't I made it so the lock couldn't close And I would hide all my stuff in there anything that I stole cold cash

The block of hash Anything I stole wouldn't be on me. It wouldn't be on their house It would be in a general area where a couple people had access to The reason why if I ever got caught going in there My buddy did the maintenance for the building and that's what he would put his tools There was just like a missing block all the way in the end Then unless you put your finger in you wouldn't be able to pull it out I pulled it out and I hid my stuff back there and I put the block there

So I always had an excuse to be back in there It was where he hid like a couple shovels some rakes Couple hammers some nails shit like that. That's what was in there So I never had anything in my house. Plus I had my jewelry tools in there My jewelry tools my stealing tools in there, you know tools. I needed to go and play pry bar I had this fucking saw A hand saw that my buddy had bent for me A certain way

So I could just slip it into the door jams and go right through the door and just push the door right open I had everything I wasn't the I wasn't the most high level thief in the world But I had a heart, you know what I'm saying show me a thief with heart And you're gonna find your sneakers are missing. That's all I got to say so I fucking Had it all planned out I walked past this jewelry store It's next to the fucking sandwich place

Every time I go to the sandwich place. I would go to the sandwich place at night To see what the jewelry store guy would leave out He got lazy, you know, I'm most sure. I don't know if you know this Most jewelry stores per their insurance have to put everything away in a safe at night and lock up the safe This guy was got half a drunk half a coke head And there's times people would go up there and see him and he would just lock up and go out and leave And go to aspen and leave everything out In the glass. So I was paying attention to him

I would go up there every night just to take a walk And see what nights he would leave things out And one night that he would leave stuff out for sure was always on sundays For some reason on sundays, especially during football season He would leave everything out So I said, you know what? I made myself a promise I'm not going to break into anything no more

I'm just going to do this one Fucking jewelry store. So I got my buddy from the The electrician buddy. His name was bob That's what I just remember his name bob robert I got bob to go up there with me and get a sandwich and we ate the sandwich on the balcony So we could dissect the alarm system He told me right off the bat. He goes that type of alarm Is usually wired to a police station. This is not a good hit for you

I go listen by the time the wire hits the police station I could go in there and take Half that shit that's in those Things and I'm not going to run towards the cops I'm going to run away from the cops to the condo I got hidden in that closet I could just go up there Lock my fucking stuff up there and lock myself in the apartment to the heat cools off

He goes, you got a point. I go how much response time would I have? He goes well depending on what they're doing I mean you could see from the jewelry store You could see the mall and the police station was on top of the mall So I say it was maybe It was maybe a Six or seven mile walk Maybe a four or five minute drive

But if the cops Are under the substation like that towards the 82 I'm going to see the lights coming out You know So he goes that's that's what it is. He goes for me It's not worth it. But if you feel You could go in there and break the glasses and take everything out So I went up there. He didn't have cameras I would study what I needed to bust the stuff to make it more efficient

My plan was to cut the wire So that would get deterred Going through the back door come in Pop the six locks and then go back with a bag and empty everything run out through the front door Puts me through a path takes me to my hidden condo my little back cave Where I put on my construction clothes And walked back down the hill past the cops like nothing happened

Like I was just doing some work up there for him That was the plan on a fucking Tuesday and I was going to stick to it because The following weekend was going to be new years And then it was going to be january. It was going to be no fucking money And fucking boat will ask them which is a lie. There's still money up there But the big money is going to be christmas fucking week I want to do this one heist Lay low all of january fuck with their head and then I'll go back to new jersey in february

And I'll never don't don't that it'll be an unsolved crime That was my big fucking plan So sure enough the week comes When I'm gonna fucking rob the Jewelry store. I'm ready to fucking go tip top magoo I take my fucking switch clothes. I bring them up to the house up in the daytime I bring all my tools up in the house in the daytime And I'm ready to fucking go the only problem. I should have done was I should have created a diversion

I should have lit something on fire or blew up a fucking barn Or something that's where I fucked up, but everywhere else. I was okay. I had all my bases covered I went up there to check sure enough He left with some chick left all the diamond rings and bracelets and all the other knickknacks he had In the glass. I'm ready to fucking go. Here we go Now like I said at this time I had destroyed them all on christmas eve So cops were on high and it even fucking sat it in the local snowmass paper

Snowmass village mall terrorized on christmas eve. I kicked down a few doors. Yeah, I took the guy's conga drum I Still think about the conga drum like I have no class whatsoever when it comes to being a klepto I'm happy I can tell you people these stories because if not, I gotta keep them in the closet and they'll drive me fucking crazy. So The day comes It's sunday. I'm gonna rob this motherfucker. I look out my window And snowflakes this big are coming down

Not this big this fucking big It is a fucking utopia of snow It is coming down like it's nobody's fucking business I put my boots on I put my little winter clothing on I take a little walk up there. They're open business as usual People are going in there the mountain is covered Every time I used to used to go to this place called the stupot. It's still there They make the best fucking stew in the world

They used to make a burgundy beef that would make your little asshole pucker if you fucking taste and it just fucking tremendous So I went to the stupot that day and I'm scoping out that place and I'm watching people Spending money because I'm gonna listen I don't know how much time I'm gonna have that jewelry store, but I'm gonna take the jewelry And then second I'm gonna take the fucking cash. Okay. That's that's the plan That's the plan stand first the jewelry Then the cash. Hopefully he leaves the cash and the fucking

The cash box whatever the fuck it's called the register Come nine o'clock. I look out my window There's a foot in the half of snow And it's still coming down like fucking Jesus is making a comeback Do you understand me like the way I don't know where you people live right now? But the way it snows like four to six inches In ski season an aspen snowmass rivet in Wyoming It's 18. It's like a brushing

People look at 18 like We got snow today. No big fucking deal where all the people would You know in colorado it snows a foot and nothing Life goes on it's snow the foot in the half here the the mailman don't come Fucking garbage doesn't come colorado. It snows three feet It's business as usual. You could set your time by the fucking bus That thing is on time by the fucking minute

Anyway to make a long story short There's a foot in the half of fucking snow out there He calls me up bob. He's like you're not doing it. I'm going bro It's gonna happen tonight. Tonight's tonight. They're gonna be stuck with a car accident With some drunkers and a golf and embarkment. They're never gonna hear their alarm if there's even an alarm in the police station If there's even an alarm in the fucking police station, they're not gonna fucking figure that Okay What am I gonna do

Fuck it I'm from north bergen, new jersey. I got balls of steel. I'm a dumb fuck. So I go up there I walk through the fucking snow Fucking two feet of fucking snow. I'm walking. I'm getting tired. It's high altitude. I'm upping and puffing I finally get up there. There's no shovelers. There's nothing It's just a couple lights on I fucking go over to the fucking door. I brought a little fucking stool with me I popped the stool. I put it down. I snipped the red wire like he told me to

I fucking go around the fucking back I try to fucking finagle the door It won't fucking do it. So I go around the front And I fucking stick the thing in and pop the door opens up I go in I go behind the back counter and as I go behind the back counter to start uh sticking the the fucking

Piping there to fucking pop bust that fucking lock I see a red flash on the wall And I go, holy fuck. I turn around and sure enough. There's two cop cars Coming up that fucking hill two sobs. They had sobs in stone mass village They're coming up this fucking hill my heart's beating. Listen. I'm old school. I gotta take something I broke this I gotta take something you attack me with three people. I gotta take something I a thing I gotta bite a finger. I gotta bite an ear. I gotta stick my finger in an eye You know I'm saying three people go jump you you gotta take something something's going to go a hand an arm

So I gotta take something So I'm like getting I break a fucking glass. I can't break it. It's it's shadow proof fucking glass I turn around again. They're getting closer to me. I don't know what the fuck to do And what do you think I did I chickened out I ran out the front fucking door And I ran directly To the fucking condor house, okay Now it's snowing

So fucking much That I could tell that those footprints Are gonna get covered Within minutes so I'm not running like a regular human being I'm dragging my feet Okay, like I'm roller skating which is hell on the fucking cardio when there's 18 inches of fucking snow I get up to that fucking house I fucking walk up and I walk up and down all around the fucking condo

I walk 30 yards up. I see the two cop cars pull in I see the guys pull out their cars I could see them run up to the mall. I'm already gone I'm 50 yards away watching them behind a fucking tree Making snow tracks on purpose. You know I'm saying trying to throw them off I finally go in I switch my sweatshirt Whatever thing I hit it under the fucking guy's couch And then I went out and the thing locked the door hit the fucking key And I put on like a sweatshirt like I had been painting

You know I'm saying like with a hat and gloves and the whole thing And you know me dog. I was always one step ahead. I wasn't like I'm an idiot. I'm not just a complete fucking moron I fucking walk down the hill I actually see the cops And they see me and they're like, how you doing? They're like, have you seen anything suspicious tonight? I go no I was up in the condo Painting for Roy Everybody knew who he was and it would be an alibi even Roy would say. Yeah. Yeah. He was up there

He gets bored some nights and he goes up there and does trim for me or whatever. So I had that covered So I'm like, whew I fucking walk home. It's like, you know, maybe a 10 minute walk I walk in my door. I kick the fucking door. You know I fucking Take my boots off I put them next to the door And I'm watching fucking tv with my friend

My roommate my roommate goes what happened? I go was a no go And he goes, all right, what are you gonna do next time I go fuck I really wanted that jewelry, you know, I really wanted that fucking money And next thing, you know, fucking there's a knock on the door And I open the door and it's three sheriffs And they're like, can we have a word with you? I'm like, yeah, come on in And they're like, uh, and I go to one sheriff. How you doing, man? And he goes, uh, where were you? tonight

When we saw you And I go I was uh I was at the house painting, you know, just I was bored. I didn't want to watch The playoffs were done. It was the NFL playoffs or something And here's the story. I said the story wrong The cop that I saw didn't come to the house It was he was with two other cops And then three other cops came to my house. Okay

So they knocked on my door And they asked me where I was And I told them I was up They go, did you go out tonight? I go, yeah, I was up at Roy's property painting the trimming I go in fact, I saw The guys I'm gonna walk back down here And they're like, that's great But uh

What time was this or something They asked me some type of question and I go this must have been Like two hours ago, I threw him off on the time And the one cop looked down and the boots were right there And with the melting and he goes This doesn't look like a boot that's been here for two hours This this boot would have been a lot more melted

And I was like out of words. They had me. I'm like, what is this all about? And they're like, well somebody tried to break into the the village jewelry store and We took a print off from the back door And when the guy got away, he ran onto the mountains So we lost him but we picked up this print

in the beginning of the driveway and we measured it it's a size 11 and We hope your boot is not a size 11 and it was a size 11 And I'm like, what are you fucking saying that I robbed a fucking jewelry store? Do you not see the fucking paint on my hands? What do you think I'm stupid? I put paint on my hands. I put it on my face and shit. I just I just robbed it and that's what drew them off

See that was my you know an attorney's job is to prove through a reasonable doubt my fucking job was to Just lift that fucking rock They had their handcuffs dog. They had their fucking handcuffs out And I was like, whoa, what are you talking about? I did this I did this I just painted

Get Roy on the phone You know, we didn't have a phone so they had to go next door and call Roy And Roy goes, yeah, he works with me. Does he usually work Sunday nights at eight o'clock? I mean like There's one day I found them in there on a Monday at four in the morning that kid had sleep problems or whatever So the guy was like, okay, but uh stick around We're gonna come right back and question you And all this shit and I'm like, okay And they this had to be

December 28th, maybe 29th And I left that all I had to hold on to was February 1st I did not fucking I did not jay walk Until February fucking first So for me to get out of there. So the lesson learned today that And that was basically Well, it depends how you look at it That basically what like I felt bad for my roommate because

My roommate was also from north bergen He was a great guy and I didn't want him ridiculed like I told you guys a long time ago I'm not the type of guy that likes taking people into dark alleys If I like doing I like doing shit alone So nobody else gets in trouble. I don't need a fucking party I don't need a fucking party So nobody else gets in trouble. I don't need a fucking partner. If you listen to any of those stories There was never really a partner. I did all those things alone because I didn't want to humiliate somebody else

I didn't want to put anybody I have friends that want a couple ice with me and stuff like that as a try You know, but that's not what I wanted for them. And I just it wasn't it wasn't for me You know when when jimmy burkle was one of my best friends in life God rest his soul and when those cops knocked on the door That was not his world If it was his world, I wouldn't have given a fuck, but it wasn't his fucking world So, you know, those cops were in that apartment for like 35 minutes And every time I looked at him his face was getting redder and redder. I felt horrible for him

That wasn't his fucking world. So, you know, it's just to show you that life's a motherfucker sometimes I knew how to be a fucking burglar without the snow With the snow I almost fucking got caught. There ain't a point to this story today I just wanted to tell you this story to get it out of the way because it just reminded me Of the fucking snow and what I went through you guys have no idea What I went through being a burglar with the fucking snow It was a complete nightmare and some day after I write my first book I'll write a third or fourth book blunders in the snow

Of me robbing things and the snow being a fucking nightmare I'm one time I robbed this dude's house And what I would do is whenever I robbed somebody's house and creek side The first thing I would do is I would open up the back door So I would see how they exit I would have an additional exit So I fucking put the thing in the door I would open the door and then I'd run to the back door and there was a sliding glass door This is windows here. This was a sliding glass door

I would open up the sliding glass door and open it in case I had a run out of there And in case somebody was coming through the front door One night I heard a car pull up and I heard it because it was like It was like that wood that they use on kids playgrounds Like that chunk wood to get to the front door and then you had stairs. It looked like kids playground I don't know why I heard a guy Walking through that one night and I'm like holy shit So I started running towards the door and as I opened up the curtain and I ran towards the door

I realized I had opened the door, but I left the screen on And I'll never forget fucking going through the screen and the screen didn't break The screen I didn't go through the screen. I hit the screen and the screen went down with me boom Like the bottom of a grinder and all the snow popped up on top of me and I fucking got up and ran It wasn't even a guy lived in the fucking apartment. There was some guy who lived in another fucking through apartment. So there Doug I got tons of blunder fucking thievery stories like I told you guys I I don't come on here To tell you how smart I am or how much of a whiz kid I am or whatever I come on here to tell you the truth

I'm a fucking half a retard and if that story today, I don't prove it. I don't know what does He told me 18 times That that fucking thing was wired to the police station. I'm like this guy. He's not that smart No, it's not that fucking wire Ah, what the fuck do I know? Another fun filled fucking story with your uncle joey today I just wanted to check it on you again. I am very sorry About bringing you the podcast on a fucking thursday I know they've seen your rotation on a wednesday, but hey man

We got foots of snow feets of fucking snow. I don't know how to fucking say it We got tons of snow Fucking everywhere and I figured I put the album in a week up on patreon to give you something great album Fucking santana braxis. So I took a on patreon The other guys you guys have a podcast to listen to or whatnot. I felt bad for you though It's not something I like doing but we had to do what was best for both of us Mikey has kids. I have kids. I didn't want mike driving In fucking two feet of snow and fucking hitting some fucking guy with a go slow sign

You ever see those guys? You never see them till you're right there It's like a guy on a bike when you're about to make the right and he's standing there. You're like, what the fuck you've been I've been here for 10 minutes. I haven't seen you now. I'm about to make the right now. You want to go straight cocksucker? They drive you fucking crazy. It's tough to even drive anymore Anyway, I love you motherfucker. It's it's been a great week I had a rough day yesterday also kind of in a way. I'm happy I kind of didn't do the podcast yesterday Not that I had a rough day. I didn't I don't want you guys to think I had a rough day. I was crying or anything like that yesterday was my daughter's

31st birthday I haven't seen my daughter And god knows how fucking long right now right now. I can't even call my daughter after calling my ex-daughter But it's funny how I thought about her a lot yesterday um, you know, I have no gripes At her I'm not mad at her

She did what she had to do and I created My own situation A lot of men a lot of women a lot of people will never tell you this. It's always something happened to them Or somebody did something to them And this situation I brought it upon myself You know, I acted a certain way I acted like a fucking jerk off. I'm not gonna lie to you I went into full joe dears

asshole mode when I was her father Never anything towards her It was the war that me her mother and her stepfather had today I had justifications for some of my arguments And for some of the other arguments I was just

arguing to be an asshole Uh, you know Out of the hundred things I tell you about this situation 50 percent of them a true 50 percent of it are probably how I felt at the time Or how I looked at it or how I saw it at the time You know, somebody asked me the other day why I felt the way I did

She moved my child into another man's house Without even telling me without even asking me You know, I don't know about you or where you came from In a neighborhood where I live now if you were to do that to me And I shot you in the fucking head And I call the cops. I think the cops will understand You know, she did something to me that

shouldn't have been done But there's another side to that story I should have been more of a fucking man and she wouldn't have done that right or wrong You know by me acting like an immature fucking punk that I was I drove her and my daughter into another man's arms. I drove her into another man's arms My daughter had nothing to do with it. She was a victim of circumstances but It is what it is, you know, it was my behavior

Uh, it was her behavior. Also it takes two to tango But uh, I want to apologize to her If any of her friends watch this podcast or listen or whatever I just want to wish her a happy belated birthday I still love you to death Um, it's funny when I go at night And kiss my daughter like I kiss my My daughter comes out the living room and gives me a kiss

And then I go in there about 9 25 And give her another kiss while she's awake And then I go back in there about 11 And I give her another kiss while she's sleeping And I grab her foot to see how big her feet are getting And it's so weird how The last time I go in there about 11 right before Miami Vice I always go what fucking life if I am I living and I'm living in a twilight zone

I'm living in a twilight zone because I had a daughter She was taken from me and I'm right back where I started from with another daughter Who's eight years old who now I treat and I act Around her how a man should act This is how a man should act I act around her this way act around my wife that way And that's why we've been here 20 years

So in a way I lost a daughter But I learned how to live a new life And I made a new life and I have a new life and I have a life that's fucking working You know, that's the bottom line. Whatever the fuck you want to say It's working me my little reefer my little bong hits My couple edibles my fucked up knee with the stitches My fucking eyebrows my gray hair

It's working. So, uh, I just want to wish her happy belated. I want to Wish her the best future she has coming to her I am not angry at her whatsoever. I'm not angry at whatsoever. You have to earn Your right to be a father. I never earned the right to be a father with her I earned my right to be a father with mercy And I feel comfortable with that and I'm good with that and I can live with that So if you ever went through What I went through with a child

Make amends with yourself. You feel a lot better. I feel great When I used to talk about this subject 10 years ago on the podcast, it was a little uncomfortable Today I have a daughter I'm living through the twilight zone It's like nothing ever happened. I'm right back to where I started again And then some so I have nothing to complain about I don't look I don't bitch about The shit I don't have

I I I'm thankful and I'm grateful for the shit I do have and I leave it at that And with that, that's another fun filled fucking podcast. Don't forget tonight lake is fucking denver Philly phoenix take a look at those lines philly portland That's for you with draft kings. Don't forget the soup bowl this weekend Don't forget draft kings and please don't forget the relief band. It's fucking great I know all your parents the reason let me tell you something about relief band Before I close on this

Fucking I get this in the mail My agent usually calls me and she says hey, there's a company that's interested in being on your podcast Do you want to try that product out? I say yes or no, it's not gonna work. I have a a chart of things that You guys are interested that you're really interested in I wouldn't try to sell you someday and not interested in I wouldn't even try to bring light to it She didn't tell me with this I get this in the mail when you get this in the mail this relief band

It talks about, you know clinically proven and uh Wonder I gotta put my glasses on. I'm sorry cocksuckers It's motion sickness morning sickness chemotherapy post-operative physician diagnosed migraines anxiety And hangover as well I had two of those I have post-operative and anxiety. Okay, so I looked at it and I go

I wonder who sent me this I called bob lalingus I called everybody who sends me gifts like off-color gifts I have like telling you motherfuckers that know how to send me gifts. You send me the best gifts And the shit that I can never find on my own I call bob I call my fucking cousin I call the friend of mine in Florida. He sends me books I call the friend of mine and nobody sent me this I call my acupuncturist nobody fucking sent me this

Okay, I go I ask my doctor when I went to surgery. I go, did you fucking send me this watch? He goes, no, who the fuck sent me this goddamn watch This week she calls me. She's like, oh What'd you think of the watch? I go, what fucking watch the movement watch? I loved it. She goes, no The relief band watch I go, did you send me that she goes, yeah, holy fuck I've been banging my head for five fucking weeks Trying to find out who the fuck sent me the relief band and it was you but you know what it works It's kept me together

Those fucking oxycodones Make you nauseated as fuck. I fucking got sick two times in the drive back from PT I got sick one morning in here and ever since that time I've been wearing that watch So if you suffer from nausea This is the watch for you and beside that that's it. That's it. We're good to go. We had a great week I'm sorry the podcast was late, but we're here. We're queer and that's all that fucking matters. All right Do not forget this weekend's Super Bowl me I think I'm gonna go with the totals. How's that?

I love brady too much. He's getting three points Mahon's a great fucking quarterback I don't know what the fuck he's gonna do. I don't you know, I don't know So let's just play the totals Enjoy the game and have a great weekend guys. Remember what I told you About draft kings. If you got a problem take it somewhere else. You don't need to be gambling go fucking Take care of your problems and without further ado. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great weekend Stay black

See you monday Here's for a word from our sponsors That Wasn't a fart that was the chair. Anyway, I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening today. It's a beautiful thursday Sorry, we were late with the podcast You know Mike lives a distance from here that the snow was too crazy. You know what and it worked out a lot better on a thursday Anyway, you're having a better time. But before I get out of here, let's talk about what's happened this weekend

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I want to thank mvmt watches who had our backs this week. Please support these companies You know everything is done over the mail whatever But don't forget what I told you about draft kings, especially tonight with the lake is denver And you got a great game report and filly. Take a look at the line And make sure you get it on the super bowl. That's it. And that's that. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great weekend Sorry about the podcast coming on thursday, but we showed up no matter what and we delivered the goods Enjoy. Love you cock suckers Stay black

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