Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #038 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Wednesday, February 10th..... Today, we talked about Commitment...... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Stamps.com & CBD Lion. Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Stamps.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: CHURCH or JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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Oh, Nellie, it's time for Uncle Joey's joint bitches. Hey, look who it is. What's happening? What's happening? You bad motherfuckers, it's Wednesday, February 10th, a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Thank you for watching Uncle Joey's joint. I'm sorry about Monday's podcast.

We didn't talk about the fucking Super Bowl. We got caught up on patience that morning. I was thinking about patience and we didn't talk about the Super Bowl. A lot of other things that were on my mind. Today I want to talk to you guys about something that I feel that I'm not doing you any favors by by telling you these things, especially the younger comics and people who are starting as electricians or or fucking carpenters. Or if you're an apprentice or if you're starting your own business, I want

you to remember something. Okay. When I got into comedy, I wanted to change my life when I got into comedy. And right now this, this is it. I'm telling you, I mean, I've been in comedy clubs 30 years. It's official this week. This is the week when I started working at Whitsend and Westminster, Colorado, fucking 30 years ago.

So I've been going to comedy clubs. When I got into comedy at first, it was a slow, the first two years. It was a very slow progression. I didn't know what I was doing. I was feeling myself around in retrospect. I shouldn't even count those two years, but I do. I say the truth because it doesn't really matter. It's just two extra years that I was just dicking around.

I didn't know how to even get started. But once I got what I was doing, I committed. And when I committed, I fucking committed, you know, I was all in, but I still had sort of a life, you know, I still had sort of a life in Boulder. I still, you know, dated girls. I knew I didn't want to get married. When I committed, I committed to not get married. I didn't even want a girlfriend.

I didn't even want a girlfriend. I just wanted to, you know, sleep with people from time to time. If I was lucky, whatever, that's it. I didn't want a girlfriend. I didn't, you know, I knew I was a fucking broke comic. Well, who wants a date of broke fucking comic? You know, so I when I first left Boulder, I still had like little friends and stuff like that, but I did things with, you know, I went to nugget games.

I would go to see you games. I would go to concerts. I would go to the Fox theater. You know, I did shit like that. And then when I lived in Seattle, I was part of a crew. You know, I was with Josh Wolf and Mark Madison and just a bunch of us running around. And even up there, we went to a couple of Seahawk games and and shit like that. When I moved to LA and I got into the comedy store,

I knew from my insecurities, I just knew I wasn't as good as everybody else. I looked around LA and all the shit I heard about LA and I went to all the comedy clubs and I went home and I have a long talk with myself. But if I'm going to last year, I got to commit into this 150 percent. And when I mean 150 percent, I mean, I got to eat, sleep and think fucking comedy. And that's great. That's what, you know, that's what commitment is. But I think when I got to LA, I did it a little bit too much. Like I just got into it.

I still remember, you know, I got there and meet Ralphie and basically, you know, I slept in different places, you know, I was sleeping in my car, whatever. And then I would walk to Ralphie's in the afternoon and I would fucking we would just sit there and write jokes, you know. And then as I got more time in, I started auditioning and then the fucking I got the acting bug and I want to know everything about acting. I mean, I had watched a thousand fucking movies. You know, I know everything about fucking movies.

I love movies. So I had watched everything about movies, but I needed to learn how to act. Well, I thought in my mind and needed to learn how to act. So I got into fucking, you know, acting class. And then, you know, I started going on the fucking road in 98. And, you know, one thing led to another. I became a working comic and I'm very proud of that fact. But I think I took it a little too far as a working comic

because I gave up all the things that brought me joy. The only thing that I took with me into comedy was my drug habit. That's it. That's all I had. It was drugs and comedy. Women weren't even in a mix for me at that point. I mean, this is square business. When I got into that fucking comedy store, I went nuts.

I didn't know I was very inferior. I knew that, you know, I could be out of there any day. I told you guys that there were nights I would bomb and I would cry in the car on the way home because I'd say to myself, this is the last time I'll be in there, especially after that fucking bombing. You know, but again, I got so involved with comedy that. When I moved out of there, I was two hundred and forty eight pounds. Dude, is that on the big side?

At that time, if you saw me, you would go, Jesus, Joey, you look like a million fucking bucks. I had big shoulders, you know, in Seattle, I hit the bag. I lifted from time to time. I played basketball, you know, I was involved with different things. When I moved to Seattle, when I moved to LA, the competition was so fierce. And I knew I had to go in so deep that I gave it. Like I said, I just little by little, you know, all the things that brought

me joy going to the movies, you know, all those little things. I just cut them out. It was the money I had was either going to be used for a plane ticket or for cocaine, rent or child support, all that other shit went away. And one of the things I got rid of and you guys noticed for a fact was football. Like I used to fucking grind Lee all the time. Like what'd you do all day? Sunday, I watched both games, watches, two fucking football games

on a fucking Sunday when you're 32 years old. You have so much to do. Even I gave up fucking football, watching football, watching baseball, watching basketball. You guys know how much I love basketball. I knew fucking everything about basketball in 95. I fucking took the Houston Rockets. That's when Orlando Magic had fucking Shaq.

I knew everything about fucking sports. I worked for a sports betting service from 93 to 95. I did three years on a sports betting service. I knew players, draft picks, who the quarterback was, the coach's wife, who his girlfriend was. I knew everything about fucking sports. That's what us as guys do when I got into comedy. I even told football to go fuck itself because you can't sit around

and watch football. You need to write. You know, I had programmed myself that I was beating myself up that much that I even stopped watching football. I stopped watching basketball. Yeah, I went to in 23 years. Rogan took me to a Laker game when he was on Fear Factor. Him and Doug Stanhope. We went to the fucking Laker game.

And I went to the Laker game, I think, with my wife. And another family. I went to two Laker games in 23 years. I went to maybe 15 Dodger games. I couldn't tell you the lineup. I just went to take my uncle because he was a baseball fan. So after I reconnected with my uncle in 2009, I started taking him to Dodger games before 2009.

I didn't go to any fucking Dodger games. So you got to remember from 98 to 2006. I didn't take a break. And I also got up to four hundred and eighteen fucking pounds. Like, even my fitness, even my health, I didn't even care about my fucking health. The first time I went to a doctor was when I met this poor girl, my wife, and she forced me to go to a doctor for sleep apnea. And even though I had insurance and everything, I forgot all like I didn't do

anything I used to do when I was in a hotel room on a Sunday, when I used to work Sunday, I think I worked Sundays up to 99. I would not watch football. I would turn it off and I'd be fucking writing. And that was all good, you know, for twenty fucking three years in fucking L.A. I didn't have much of a life. I I turned my life into a it was all built around comedy. If I went to a party, it was because it was a comedy party or a movie

invited me to a party. I had worked on a show, you know, and I went to a party, you know. Sometimes I just went. I didn't want to fucking go to a party. I just want to take my wife out on a date. Like the last one we went to was I'm dying up here, had a season finale. And I did two episodes and I took it to that point, you know, I didn't do anything that was normal, nothing like that.

And I had friends like I had Ari and I had Duncan and I had, you know, Eddie Bravo, me and Eddie went to a couple of Dodger games with the kids. You know, I had all that stuff, but something was missing from my life. When I moved to Jersey, I made plans in my mind that I had to change my life. Like if I moved to Jersey, this shit that I'm doing this, my social life has to definitely fucking change. Like something has to come of this. And, you know, the pandemic came.

I called Jimmy Florentine, Jimmy Florentine's sister-in-law Trish. Florentine sold me the house and I was very happy. I had my friends up north, you know, I was going to start hanging out with them. And then one day Jimmy says to me, I don't know if you know this, but on Sundays, we do football, you know, I don't know who's going to show up this year because of COVID, but you're welcome to come over. We open up the windows, they have an air filter, they open up the back air and everybody's social distances and we watch football like eight or nine guys.

So during the pandemic, you know, I'm like, I don't know much, you know, I don't really want to watch a football game. But I'll go over there and I started going over there and I started going over there until half time. And then I would stay to the third quarter and then I would stay to the fourth quarter. And then I would stay to the beginning of the next game, you know, and then I would stay for fucking till half time.

And, you know, pretty soon I would be there and I would watch the first two games of the day at Jimmy Florentine's with his friends, his childhood fucking friends and all his family. And I would sit there and I would take out a bull's and fucking giggle and trust me, the first three or four weeks, I would just sit in the corner, paranoid, saying, when am I going to get fucking COVID? You know, I was scared of getting COVID, but these guys are all clean. Like they all, you know, wear masks and they're all legit during the week.

There was no reason to be scared. We did the whole season without a whole fucking thing, knock on wood. We did the whole fucking season without something. And I think I missed three weeks, like the two. Two weeks of surgery after the surgery was the only two or three Sundays I missed. I never missed a Sunday. I went every fucking Sunday and every and let me tell you something, how much it helped me just doing that, not doing comedy on Sunday.

When we were over there on Sunday, those guys don't give a fuck that I wasn't in the many saints of Newark. They don't give a fuck. I was in Spider-Man, too. They don't give a fuck that I sold out of theater. They don't give a fuck about nothing. They did a bet and watch fucking football and crack jokes and say the craziest things you've ever heard in your life.

And I loved it. It actually brought me back. The reason why I'm back is from going over there on Sundays. You know, when I before we went, I went over there, Jimmy came up to me. He's like, listen, there's some guys that are kind of they crazy. They say some fucked up shit. And I'm like, Doug, I'm from fucking Jersey. You know, I remember leaving there and him calling me going,

were they a little too heavy for you? And I'm like, Doug, I'm so happy I went to your house because just knowing those type of people still exist. And LA, those people don't exist. Just knowing that those people still exist. And I left Jersey and I was missing something in LA and I come back and Jimmy Florentines throws me into his fucking Sunday football. I mean, it was it was like being a little kid in the candy store.

They got the pizzas. They got the wings. They got the shrimp. They got they got everything, but it's not that it's the camaraderie. They fucking they gamble. You know, so I got into they were they're all on fucking DraftKings. We're all on DraftKings fucking around every week. This week, I did not make a fucking bet for the Super Bowl.

I did like the total when I spoke to DraftKings and my agent on Thursday last week. And when I got off the phone, my agent calls me back and she goes, DraftKings want to know who you like. And I go, I'm not betting the team. It's too hard to bet the team. I'm going to bet the total. I like the total because my in my mind, I thought that exactly what happened happened in my mind.

I thought that either they were going to get the Brady and homie was going to score a couple of touchdowns, but I didn't think it was going to be an all out war. You know, I'm saying like an all out fucking one touchdown, another touchdown. I knew one of the defenses was going to get to one of the quarterbacks. To be honest, I didn't think it was going to be my home. I thought that Brady was just a little too old. Fuck, he fucking, you know, changed my fucking mind.

In my perspective, quick, I hit the pool this week at Jimmy's. I won the second half. I won 100 bucks. So, you know, it was perfect. I put 30 bucks, you know, it was those things. When was the last time I played a pool? You know, the last time I put five dollars in a square. Yeah, fucking 30 years ago, like all these little things. This is what I want you to understand that when you get into something,

I don't care how much you love it. You still got to keep up. You're social things, whatever your social activities are away from that. You know, listen, I love comedians. I love being around them. They're fucking nuts. But this break has done me wonders. And going over there on Sundays was the start of it.

You know, I got the people who knocked my anxiety out and my fears with two men. It was Rich Voss and Jimmy Florentine. When I got here, when I was in the summer set, I would have to meet Rich like every other day. We would meet at a bagel place and I'd sit outside and the whole time I'd be fucking shaking. I'd have anxiety. I was scared of the news.

But when I saw Jimmy and his family and how they got together and everybody was cool and everything was I was like, fuck it. I guess that we're going to be cool. And every Monday morning I would wake up and swallow. Do I have a sore throat? Nothing, nothing, nothing. I mean, the house is clean. It's just a great fucking time with guys.

But what I'm trying to say to you here is no matter what you get involved in, never forget yourself. I got to be honest with you. That was my biggest mistake when I got into comedy. That is why I am burnt out on fucking comedy right now. That is why I said those things on Sunday that I said. Because when I went in, I went in. I've been doing what I was doing since 1994.

I have not fucking stopped. And from 98 to 2020, I did not have that social fucking life. I did not have that social life. Yes, I had friends and yes, I had a podcast and yes, I went to that store. But those little simple little things is what I was missing and what I wanted. That's all I wanted. I wanted to have regular fucking people around me again. I got sick and tired of hearing about Instagram friends and how many Facebook

followers do you have and how many Twitter followers do you? Nobody in my fucking neighborhood gives two Frenchman's fuck that I've been in the movie, not one fucking person in this neighborhood has said to me, Hey, can we take a fucking picture? Not one of them. My man Frank across the street every once in a while. He'll go, was that you? I saw the Christ your show on Netflix and I go, yeah, I get lucky from time to time.

They don't give a Frenchman's fuck. It's not like LA was that everything is based off what you have on social media or who you are hanging out with. He's friends with Chappelle. Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why can't you just be fucking normal? Sorry about that. But the moral of the story is I forgot who the fuck I was.

I forgot those little things going to football, just to go to somebody's house and watching football. And if I'm not there, I go to my other buddy's house, Joe Rao. And I go over there and I smoke a number over there with him and I watch fucking TV. You know, just for an hour, he watches shows about real estate and shit. I don't give a fuck. We're not talking about an audition or what a club did to you or, you know, last weekend in Tampa, I don't want to hear that shit no more.

It was just to the point where I couldn't hear it no more. I just got, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. I still love fucking comedy. I still love watching it. I was watching Ron White last night, dying my ass off from the fucking when they all did the show together, the four fucking amigos, whatever the fuck they are, Ron White, having me dying.

But my love for comedy, like, is still there. I just right now at this time, I think I'm just fucking burnt out. And sure, who's not going to be burnt out? I gave everything I fucking had to this fucking thing. I didn't go in there to fuck around. I didn't go in there to get a fucking deal. I didn't get a fucking deal to 2000 fucking 17. Everybody was getting deals in 2000, 2001, 2002.

Nobody was talking to me with nobody remembers is that in 2009. I quit comedy. I was like, fuck it. I'm not going to. I'm not I'm not at the store anymore. I got Joe Rogan who takes me on the road. He goes on the road enough. I'll go on the road with him.

I'll do 20, 15 minutes and I'll get a job during the week and I'll fucking let my friends like Greg Garcia, people like that, put me in the TV shows and I'll get insurance. And that's what I was going to do. I was burnt the fuck out. Nobody wanted to talk to me. Nobody nobody ever said two words to me about stand up. This whole career started when I told the story on Beauty and the Beast

about mugging a hooker and light her wig on fire. Then I did 20 fucking movies. Nobody would say a fucking word to me, not a word to me. Nobody would come up to me, but nothing. All of a sudden I go on a fucking podcast that nobody really listens to. And I said that I fucking little fucking hookers wig on fire. And next thing you know, I'm selling fucking tickets to shows. I was, but you gotta remember one thing.

There were people that did not like me and Ari for years. They would ask Rogan, why do you bring these two losers on the fucking road and all that shit? So this was part of the reason I wasn't getting nowhere with stand up. I'm not going to lie to you guys for fucking 20 years. Nobody talked to me from 91 to 2010. I couldn't even get a fucking booking agent. Nobody would talk to me about stand up.

Meanwhile, I'm at the store tearing their fucking hearts out every fucking night. So I think I left the store in 2007. I was at that store tearing fucking lights out already from 2003 on. I had already started clicking. I had already started rocking and rolling, especially at the store. The improvs knew I was rocking and rolling. I was kind of co-headlining or whatnot, but I didn't fucking stop. My commitment was that much.

I mean, am I mad at myself for it? No, I'm here. I got to where I want it to be. I got to the league where I want it to be. You know, I never wanted to be Kevin Hart. I never wanted to be Dave Chappelle. I just wanted to be a regular comic. And at least somebody say he's fucking funny and maybe, maybe do

like a stand up comedy routine. I would have been fucking satisfied with that. I swear to God, because I didn't feel like I was worthy of getting all this shit. I'm a fucking felon. I'm a petty fucking thief. All of a sudden I'm fucking, you know, people want to take pictures with me. People want to get my autograph. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

Don't these people know I kidnap somebody? What the fuck is going on? So this was all new to me. So when 2010 came along and once that story went, it just fucking snowballed. Thank God, thank God that before mercy was born, I took a self look at myself. And I said, you know, if I'm going to be a father, I got to do this. I got to do that. I got to do this.

I got to be this way. I got to stick to my word and I fucking did it. But I couldn't do it before I did it because I was older. Now I can see the list and I can see a move 20 steps ahead. Now I see a move 20 fucking steps ahead that, that, that, you know, when you get older and you go through a fucking life like I did, you could see the next 20 steps when somebody comes up to you with their first three words, you already know where this is going.

And for me, that's what happened with comedy. Like I already knew the fucking steps. You know, I really was in it, but I let myself go. I let myself go in ways that today I got to pay for. Like today, you know, when I wake up, if you don't think I'm doing fucking sit ups every day, even with this bad fucking leg, you're out of your mind. I do my sit ups. I try to do fucking pushups off the fucking couch.

I do everything I can to stay in shape and to stay healthy and to keep my heart. You know, today I did the club bats, a little bit of club bats. You know, I can't do long because the recuperation, I run out of breath. My cardio, you know, this fucking one month of being down has really fucking I go for a walk around the fucking corner. I'm fucking winded, but at least I'm fucking trying. But what I'm trying to say to you is that don't get caught up that much in what you're doing, do not forget your life and do not forget who you are.

I didn't forget who I was. I didn't forget who I was. I didn't change. I didn't become a movie star. I didn't stop talking to my friends. None of that should happen with me. It was I just stopped taking care of Joey. I didn't take care of Joey.

Whatever you decide on doing, nothing is as important as you are, as your health, as your hobbies, as what brings you fucking joy. You know, and comedy brought me joy for a long time. I still love it going on stage and meeting different people. But that's the only regret I have was that when I went in, I went in just a little too hard and I forgot about a lot of fucking things and then years later came back to haunt me like I got no friends. You know, all I have is calm.

The last three or four years in LA, I had a little sadness towards me. Yeah, Lee was my friend, but he's 30 years younger than me, 20 years younger than me. I had friends, you know, I had great friends in Ari and in Dean. And then, but they weren't the friends I had here. This is what I needed again. I needed to get that Jersey friend, you know, you fuck with me. I'll fuck with you mentality. I didn't come to Jersey because there was a problem or anything like that.

I came to Jersey because the dream was done. I had done everything I wanted to do in comedy and it was time to fucking move on. It was time to do something different. You know, I still love doing the fucking podcast. I still love talking to you guys. I love doing the pageant. I love answering you guys on social media. I think with the stand up, I'm just a little upset with myself that.

Like I just forgot who the fuck I was, you know, like. And now coming back and seeing that I made a whole football season over there at Florentine's just it's like I want a fucking medal. Like I want a medal for attending all of them and having a great time. And let me tell you what really surprised me about Sunday over there. I was over there. I was having a great time. My wife and daughter went to a different Super Bowl party. That's not a place for kids kids over there.

We're talking shit. There's no pot smoking or nothing. They drink. I'm the only fucking pot smoker. There's one guy put edibles in his beer. Every week I go and I'm just every time he goes to the bathroom, I put a fucking edible in his beer. Twenty five milligrams, twenty five milligrams, twenty five milligrams. One week I put a hundred twenty five milligrams in hashtags

and a hundred milligrams in one of those fucking ABX capsules. And he still fucking walked out of there for three weeks in a row. I dosed this guy and he didn't complain. Not one fucking time, one time he came over to me when then he goes, hey, did you give me something last week? Did you put something in my beer last week or something? I go, no, why would I do that? He goes, man, I got home last week after football and I sat down

and he goes, I was starving, but I couldn't get up to cook dinner. I couldn't even get myself up to cook dinner. I don't know what was wrong with me. Finally, he goes, I took a little nap and I got up about nine thirty and I was fine. I cooked dinner. He goes, I could have sworn you put me and Jimmy Florentine were fucking howling because every time he gets up to go to the bathroom, I run over to the can and I drops a minute and you actually hear the pill

hit the bottom and it goes kink and we just fucking died. Sounds like the fucking when they put the when they took the braces out of my fucking needles will think, think, think. That's what it sounds like. I'll sit right behind them and the game is right over there. And I'm right here by the backs slide in door. And every time he gets up to go to the bathroom, I put a fucking little edible on this fucking beer.

And then once I'm done, I leave and I wait to hear something the next day. But I don't hear nothing. And the best is Jimmy's brother takes the poor guy, him and his other friend, and they put bumper stickers on his car. And it's like, I like sucking dick, you know, if you if you want to blow job hunk and they put it on the back of their cars and they don't realize it's on the back of their cars to like fucking Wednesday. These are fucking hilarious guys.

This is what I'm talking about. This is no bullshit, no fake. Oh, my God. None of that stuff. These guys, none of them play that shit. They just play fucking tricks on each other. They gamble, they fucking drink and they have a great time. They say shit that's out of this fucking world.

The world I came from where you could just say whatever the fuck you want. And nobody's feelings get heard or, you know, one time I think I went after I left, there was a fracas, a woman went down there and they were fucking torturing her. Yeah, it's not woman friendly. That's it's it's guy friendly. And I had forgotten all about that thing. So just me going there every week on Sundays just brought me back little by little, little by little.

They had me gambling. You know, when the last time I put a bed in, last time I put a bed in was Diaz McGregor. That was the last time I fucking put a bed in and a couple of weeks I fucking put bets and I told you guys, like in September, I was putting bets in and winning small bets. I wasn't betting over my head 25 just to watch the game. Just entertain yourself and watch the game.

This week, I went over there early and I helped set up the pool and they had like a big pool and a little pool. And like I said, I said, you know, when was the last time I got no fucking pool? I mean, this is the shit I'm talking about. These are the little things that I was not doing in LA that fucking suck dick. I wanted my pocket, I took $30, I go give me fucking whatever. It's five dollars a box, give me six boxes. I almost had the first quarter when it was three nothing.

I almost fucking had three and zero. And then fucking Grunk scored a touchdown or whoever scored a touchdown. I think it was Grunkosky, whatever his fucking name is. And then I left a little before halftime. My wife called me and said, I'm picked because I can't drive. So my wife says, we'll leave and now I'm going to come get you. The kid, you know, my daughter had to take a shower and whatnot. And she dropped me off OV.

I came home. I got home about six thirty. And when I got home, I told my wife, I go, if it wasn't for that football on Sundays, I'd still be hiding under the fucking couch. I still would. I wouldn't even have done the podcast because I was so fucking scared of COVID. ABC fucking news that David Visser, that cocksucker, he had me so fucking fired up about fucking COVID.

And I came here and I was even more petrified because this is where it fucking started. It started back here and now it's big on the fucking West Coast. But it started back here, March 9th, I guess that that was the week when I was supposed to come. So I'm really happy that that was one of the things I wanted just to talk about, man, that no matter how much you love something, you got to have a fucking life. You got to have a life.

You know, I can't fucking stress enough. It's like these people on the computers on the weekends. When I go on Twitter on Saturday just to check messages or something. And there's people yucking it up on Twitter on a Saturday and Sunday. It breaks my fucking heart. It breaks my heart. You got to give it a breather. You got to go out.

You got to take a walk. You got to see friends. You got to, you know, for years, all I did was fucking planes, trains and automobiles. So now on the weekends, that's the last thing I want to fucking do. You know, let me tell you something. Like I told my wife last night, how long, you know, me, Terry, I go out every fucking night. If I want to go out, I go out.

You know, just for me to go out at night. You know how many nights I go to that? I'm going to go see this guy perform at the stress factory. I don't even have to decide to fucking go out. I'm excited about next Friday and Saturday doing stand up on my birthday at Uncle Vinny's. I'm excited about that. I'm excited about what I'm going to do is this.

I'm going to do those seven shows and then I'm going to decide where I'm at in my head. If I want to go on the road, I'll go on the road. If not, I'll just treat stand up like a hobby. And why? Why do you think I'm doing this? Because. I don't want to bomb on the road. I hate bombing. I'm not in business for you to pay $30 to see me fucking bomb.

And I've been writing the book lately. I've been every fucking day. I write a paragraph or two. I write ideas for the upcoming chapters. I've got it outlined. They always outline three chapters before. I don't even know what the fuck I was going to say, but, you know, I have ideas and I've been writing this stuff.

But when I fucking, you know, I write on the fucking iPad and I have a comedy notebook right next to it. And I'm just writing jokes about the surgery. I'm just trying to write about what I've been through the last fucking two or three or four months. And I tell you what, the next day when I look at it, there ain't nothing funny in those fucking jokes. Not at all. I mean, I laugh a little bit, but it's not that.

So what I'm going to do is this. I'm going to do these, you know, my wife said that maybe the problem is that since the shows us, somebody else is telling me this that since the audience is a smaller, it's tough to really gauge. And that's why you really don't like it. But that's just, I could tell you that lie also. That's not what's bothering me. What's bothering me is that I did my job.

I burnt out. I just burnt the fuck out. I did my job. I did it as hard and as best as I could. I put everything I had into those fucking things, you know, when I did those stories for Ari's, those stories were great, but they're not great because they wrote themselves. I had to fucking sit down and write them.

And, you know, it's a process. Comedy is a fucking process. And it's a lot of work. And I put the work in and I hope that what I'm going to do is this. I'm going to do those seven shows of Vinnie's. I'm going to listen to the recordings. I'm going to see how I feel. And then make up my decision.

If I'm not ready in April, then I'll just take the fucking summer off. And I'll get on stage when I'm ready. You know, if Jimmy or Rich have a show and I want to do a guest spot, I'll jump in on that. The Sopranos and many saints and newer comes out in September. You know, that would be the ideal time for me to go out after that. Let's see how I fucking feel. You know, right now this is the truth of the matter.

The truth of the matter is I did something that I thought that me or nobody else thought could be done. I never thought I would see myself in the position I saw myself selling out the Chicago theater, selling out the theaters in New York, selling out Parks Casino. You know, I really appreciated it, but I never saw it in my future. Not at all. I was very surprised that all that shit fucking happened.

So in my world, let me tell you something. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to last to 58. I was not supposed to fucking, you know, like I told you guys every night when I walk into my daughter's bedroom, because my daughter goes to bed at nine. I go up there by nine 25 and give her a kiss and tell her I love her. She shuts. She puts on a little fucking com app at nine 30.

And then I go back there about 10 30. And I just look at her while she's sleeping and I and I try to grasp what has happened in my life and how I'm living in a fucking twilight zone. This was not supposed to happen. I see myself in that fucking rocket ship sleeping in that fucking rocket ship. And I'm like, how could this be possible that I am living in New Jersey? I have a great wife who loves me and I love her. She's my partner in crime, and I got a fucking beautiful daughter.

And I had a daughter that doesn't talk to me. We stopped really having contact with each other. Like I left her when she was five and I picked up right off. It's like nothing fucking changed, nothing changed. But where I'm at today, I never saw myself. I saw myself doing comedy till I did or died on the road or something. You know, I didn't see myself being 58 with a beautiful fucking daughter and a house and a beautiful wife and having my choice on whether or not

I want to do comedy. I mean, I just I'll get a job. I don't give a fuck. I'm ready for something else. Like I'm just ready for something else. You know, if you guys listen to Rogan, you heard my ads on Spotify. They probably I'm doing ads for Rogan, the Draft King. So I'm excited about that. You know, I'm doing things that just are keeping me busy right now for where my head is at. I'm not ready to fight.

You know, it's funny. I was talking to Lee and Lee said, Lee's in Florida. You could support him on Patreon. He's doing a great job. He's trying his heart out. He went to Florida young man. This is very interesting. Lee said that he walked into a restaurant with his dad and there was 100 people easily with no mask on, just sitting there eating. And he said that he had a thing. He leaves like, I don't get anxiety attacks, but I got an anxiety attack.

I go, what do you mean? He goes, I couldn't sit there. That was the first time I had seen 100 people since fucking March. He goes, I almost had a fucking heart attack. So last week, the AP did a poll and they were talking about people fucking, you know, what people think now that the vaccine is out. Do you know that fucking like 40% of people said that they feel comfortable inside, even with the vaccine?

People still don't feel fucking comfortable. People, there's a ton of people, some that you do know, some that you don't know. I know a handful of people that have not even left the fucking house since the pandemic started. I can name five motherfuckers I know on the personal that have not left their house since the pandemic. So if I know five fucking people, we all know people. We work with people, maybe you haven't seen them because you don't work with them.

Maybe they haven't left the house. There's other people that are living their life like there's nothing out there. God bless you. I don't give a fuck how you live your life. I just want you to be fucking healthy. But Lee said it was too much for him like he wasn't even prepared. He said he grabbed his dad and he goes, we got to take it to go. I'm not ready to be around 100 people. So that's the same with us, you know, with me.

What am I going to do? The first time I go out there and see 300 people on a fucking stage, I'm not going back to theaters. I doubt they're going to put me in a fucking theater. And I'm going to do, you know, half of those people, people are broke right now. You know, half of the people in New Jersey don't get that fucking unemployment checks. That's going on all around the fucking country. They're talking about these stimulus checks coming out.

But these checks ain't coming out. People are fucking hurting. How do I know? Because every week I get a call, I send out money. You know, I try to help my friends. I got 20 friends that are fucking having a hard time right now. I have commerce. You guys know that when I get the Patreon fucking check, I start sending out

little fucking pay pals to friends of mine that I know that I know they're fucking missing meals that don't have to fucking ask me. I know what they're going through. I knew what they were making, you know. So I don't mind because you guys are helping me out on the fucking Patreon. So I pass it on. This is this is what we do. We got Mike.

We got, you know, I still haven't donated the fucking thing. Yet I'll do that tonight. Thank you for reminding me. It's the fucking tent. I want to make a donation to. Ball school sports. He's helping out fucking businesses. You know, I love to fucking be a part of that and for your names to be a part of that.

So if you check it, it'll be on the hose ideas. It won't be under fucking whatever the fuck will be under my name. People like, we didn't see the church on there. No, stupid. It's on the hose ideas. Oh, one of my friends called me. You guys remember him? Keith Herron, I donated every year to him.

And when he's like, we didn't see it. I go, do you look on the hose ideas? It's not on the church. It's on the hose ideas. That's my fucking name. That's the name on the credit card. When you go to those go fund me's and shit, you can't pay. You got to pay with fucking or, you know, you could do PayPal.

I don't know how we got to this. But anyway, back to Sunday's fucking game. I'm sitting there last week and I'm like, I'm like, I said, I didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew I love Tom Brady, but I also love the quarterback from Casey. I think he's fucking talented. He's young. He knows how to read defense as well.

I think he's fucking phenomenal. So I couldn't pick a quarterback, so I couldn't pick a side. So when you have that dilemma, you're not forced to gamble. That's what I love about gambling on football, that you're not forced to gamble on a team, even baseball, even basketball. You have the over and under for people who don't know the over and under. The over and under is a score that they put that the score is either going to go over that or under that.

So let's say the over and under is 50 in a football game for it to go over. Somebody has to be 28, 25. That's 53 points. That means it's over. If you go under the 50, that means it's, you know, 24 fucking 10. And then it goes under. So that's a difference between an under and an over. They haven't been baseball.

They'll put like seven and a half home runs. They haven't been basketball, you know, 180 points. I don't know what the the over and under is for that Sunday night. I haven't looked yet, but I'll, I won't tell you not. Because I'm a computer in front of me. Who the fuck gives a fuck? Sunday is Sunday. Today is fucking Wednesday.

And all I'm fucking worried about is tonight, baby, when motherfucking. Who is this? I have yeah, Miami Houston. Look at that fucking line. There's little fucking who bots problem with that fucking line. I like looking at the lines. The lines tell you everything. And lately I've been betting little bets on basketball, and I'm not doing

bad either. I haven't been doing bad. I talked to the Philly Godfather last night. He's the guy that gives you picks and we were talking about different things and shit like that. And I told him, I go, if you ever bump into something good, give me a call. I'll pay. I don't give a fuck. I'll pay for the fucking pick because I kind of enjoy it now.

Like I'm going to watch the Lake of Game Valentine's Day. What do you think? I'm going to fucking not watch it now. Now I got now I'm back into watching stuff. You know, everybody, I can't watch TV though. Don't ask me what my show is because I don't fucking have one. I did watch the Denzel movie on HBO with Jared Leto. I don't know what the fuck happened there.

I don't know. Two people I talked to said they watched it. And they don't understand that I didn't even know it was Jared Leto. So it was not who we're into some shit. You know, I watched the other Gandolfini movie the other night. I'm a movie guy. I watched Death Wish the other night fucking tremendous. You know, I'm a movie guy.

I can't. I don't have time to watch a fucking series on Netflix or nothing like that. I don't even have the fucking focus to that. That's the real fucking answer to it. But that was it. Sunday, my whole plan was to wake up and bet the total. But my day got out in front of me. I had to do something with the family in the morning.

And by the time we had to go to Freehold and by the time we got back, I just had to drop me off at fucking Jimmy's and. And I didn't, you know, but the one thing that really surprised me and the same reason I'm doing what I'm doing is this, guys. Let's say I'm a greedy fuck. Let's say I'm a gavone and I don't give a fuck about you guys. I'm going to go out on the road anyway. I'm just going to be a money grab.

I'm going to retire in two years. It's just going to be a money grab. I'm just going to go out, charge a ton of money for the tickets and go up there and I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. I could do that if you want me to. I don't have the balls to do that. I don't have the heart to do that. If I want to rob you, I'll get a fucking gun.

You understand what I'm trying to say to you? I don't want to go out as a fucking loser. I want to go out as remembering selling out the Vegas Theater, selling out the Tempe Improv, selling out two shows in Atlanta. I don't want to do comedy till there's 13 people in the audience. And I'm a pathetic old man up there. I hope you understand where I'm going with this. I just, you know, that's why I'm really surprised.

Brady didn't fucking retire Sunday. You want to go out of fucking on top, you know what I'm saying? I'm not saying that I'm Kevin Hart. I'm not saying that I'm Dave Chappelle. I'm not saying that I'm Joe Rogan, but Doug. For what I did with what I had. And where I came from and the problems I had. I did pretty fucking well.

You know, even I have to take a look and go, Joey, you have nothing to be upset about. You made it to TV. You've got a couple fucking movies. You got to sell out some big fucking venues. You had a nice run there. You have nothing to be upset about. I have nothing to be upset about.

In fact, I'm fucking proud of what I did. So I'd rather stay proud this way than for me to say, fuck these motherfuckers, charge them $45, go out there, go up there, do improv, not give a fuck about what you do. And then you guys leave and you're going to say, what? Fucking Joe Rogan's a lie. He's not the funniest guy in the world. I don't want that to happen.

So I will never do that to you. I'd rather not go out than go out to be a fucking gavone and fuck you guys in the ass. If that's what you want, you're looking for it from the wrong fucking guy. I want to go out like fucking Tom Brady. I want to go out winning a fucking Super Bowl. And in my world, I want a Super Bowl.

I made it to the Comedy Store documentary. I fucking, you know, did all the accomplishments. I guys, when I got into this, it was just to check out. It wasn't to be successful. I didn't think I could ever attain success at anything I tried. And that's 100 percent honesty from the fucking heart. I didn't think I could get anywhere in this fucking world. I thought I would just be a feature act.

And it was better than a fucking Robin House is and dying in a fucking prison. So to me, I'd rather go out this way. I'd rather go out. You remember me seeing me in Vegas and going, fuck, he ripped that fucking room apart. I'd rather you go out saying, bro, I saw that motherfucking the store one night and it was fucking scary.

I'd rather you say, fuck, and I saw him in the main room and it was fucking scary. I saw him in Cleveland. I saw him in New York. I'd rather you say that than say, fuck, went to see Joey Dears. That's fucking pathetic. That's what I don't want. That's what scares me the most.

When I first got into this business, that was my biggest fear of being 50 years old. Nobody's going to hire you. And you're fucking going from club owner to club owner. Hey, how are you doing? You know, do you think you have a mic for me there? My wife, you know, I didn't want to be in a whole comic in search of. That was not what I was going for.

So I rather go out this way. If I go out, who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows what I want to do? The Sopranos comes out September 24, September 25, the many saints in Newark. And that might put a bug in me. That might spark me up to do it again. You know, I was waiting to do a Clooney movie in February here. I'm waiting on law and order organized crime.

I haven't heard nothing. So listen, I put it in God's hands. If God wants me to be in it, I'm in it. If not, fuck it. I don't belong in it. That's how I look at it. So that's why I'm I'm making my decisions like that. I want to go out like a fucking man.

I don't want to go out up on stage fucking sweating because I'm dying of fucking jokes. Fuck all that nonsense. You want to walk out on your feet, not walk out on your fucking knees like a mutton to have. And that's it for the Wednesday fucking podcast, man. We had a little chit chat. We got the talk. We got to see each other. That's it. And that's that.

It was a good fucking week. You know, my leg is making a fucking comeback, but it's been a month. The anniversary was fucking Monday of the surgery. I still have fucking pain. It's not excruciating pain. You know, I still got to take the pain medication. I've cut it down by 50 percent. You know, I'm doing fucking the leaves now because I got to get off this pain medication.

I mean, I just got to get off this pain medication. I'm down to two tabs of fucking day, probably now. So we made it. Nobody got hooked. Nobody got fucking fucked up. You know, that was my biggest fear about this was getting hooked on the pain pills. But obviously I've been hooked on so many fucking things. There's no other things left for me to get hooked on.

So fucking I just keep smoking my reefer, keep eating my CBD line. And I fucking make it through this shit, you know what I'm saying? Working is the heroin. What's that? Get some heroin. Yeah, we'll do some heroin in time and time. I don't I was telling somebody the other day, Mike. I don't think I could do anything anymore.

Like, I'm just done. Like, I can't imagine. Like, I have 13 years of sobriety of cocaine and it's not really sobriety. It's called fear, like it's fear of cocaine, because I know if I do a line of coke, I'll die of heart attack. If I do a line of coke right now, I won't come back. I've always known that because I made a promise.

I made a man's promise. If I do a line of coke, I won't come back. I can't see myself doing fucking heroin. I didn't like the first couple of weeks of how these these pills made me feel. It's been a it's been a really weird switch for me, like who I was and who I am now. You know, it's just yeah, we just changed. And I tell you, I'll tell you what, I've been smoking a lot less, too. Good read.

Tremendous. Well, the problem is this. I'm over here from California and I'm smoking these fucking joints. OK, the weed I get, there's no need to smoke joints. You don't need a whole joint. You smoke half the joint and you're sitting there going, what am I going to do with this fucking thing? That's why it's called one hit weed.

I went, I bought a fucking pipe and my life changed. I smoke a pipe in the morning when I get up for the breakfast appetite. I smoked a bowl when I got back from physical therapy around 130. And guess when I smoke tonight? About a quarter to 11 right before Miami Vice. If Miami Vice sucks, I fucking I play the weed. If it's good, then I fucking, you know, I'm saying nobody loses. But I'm not even smoking as much as I was.

He sent me another shipment of A.B.X. I love, you know, I love Justin over at A.B.X. I love those fucking tablets. And I had a, you know what? I don't take him in the daytime no more. Look at my eyes, look at my face. Look, you could see my fucking eyes. They're white.

I don't take them no more. I use those edibles as sleeping pills. I use those edibles as sleeping pills. Yes, I posted on Twitter. I posted my monthly box from on it. I get shroom tech. I get alpha brain for my cycle. I'm going to start a new cycle here on the 15th, which is next Monday.

I get the protein bites for nighttime. Fucking that an apple, your brand new seven grams of protein. When you get stoned, I'm not eating. That's why I'm not fucking dog. I was eating those fucking 10 chicken cutlets and pizza no more. I get the protein bites of peanut butter was excuse me. Well, the coconut almond from on it. Oh, tremendous.

The fucking chocolate almond, not protein bars or the fucking peanut butter from on it at night. If I get hungry after the tea, I fucking eat an apple and I get a little protein, seven grams of protein. I think it's 100 calories and I'm brand new. I take the fucking I take the A B X. I put them in the fucking Kikimo tea. Kikimo has two grams of THC, five grams of CBN.

Sometimes I put two bags of tea in there if I really want to sleep hard. I put two bags of tea in there. I'll put like why lie 400 milligrams? Because my my man, my man told me that the hundreds were stronger than the two hundreds. My man fucking Mike is always paying attention. Mike calls me up. He's like, man, I think these hundreds are stronger than the two hundreds.

So I said, let me try it. Holy fuck. I put four hundreds in a cup one night. I couldn't even fucking breathe. I woke up. I told you like this. My arm was up. I woke up like all twisted with the cup in my fucking hand like this. I woke up like a four in the morning like why am I fucking twisted?

Jesus Christ. There was an inch of tea left in that motherfucker. Went to taste it. It was colder than the fucking ice cube. I had been asleep for like five hours, holding a cup with my arm up on the fucking lazy boy. So I use those I use because I had to switch my time zone. So I stopped doing. Yeah, I was falling asleep before in the fucking morning.

So I said, fucking, what am I going to do? So I got off the edibles completely. I got clean and fucking sober off the edibles. And now I use them to go to sleep at night for those A B X's and a cup of fucking. You can use Kikomo tea or you could use what's the other lemon tea from not lemon Zinger. But do you have ever tried lemon Zinger? Oh, that's just got extra caffeine in it. But they got a cousin sleepy time.

It's made in Longmont, Colorado, the company. I get one of those sleepy time teas and I throw four edibles in that. Oh, my God. One night I ran out of one night. I ran out of the fucking one night. I ran out of the A B X's and I got like eight of those fucking hemp. The hash tabs and I put them in the fucking tea and it was the worst tasting thing I ever drank in my life.

It tasted like rotten miso soup. I drank the whole fucking thing like a soldier. Listen, I sleep like a baby. Why? I spray the melatonin in my fucking mouth. You got a problem sleeping and get the melatonin from on it. And it also melatonin is good to fight against fucking COVID. So remember what I'm telling you that you heard that from Uncle Joey. I sprayed a fucking melatonin.

I put the four tabs in my fucking. This is what I need to fall asleep. And that is a tank. I put four tabs in a fucking tea. I put three or four fucking tinctures of either Tommy Chong's Tommy Chong has a good little sleep potion. He gave me his his buddy gave me the thing. I either go with CBD lion or fucking put you down.

But you got to move them around because your body adjusts to melatonin. Your body adjusts to all this sleep shit. And then you just sit in there and not asleep. So every night I got to go from somewhere different. So some nights I just do the kikimo. Some nights I do the CBD lion. Some nights I do Tommy Chong's little fucking contraption that he gave me. Some nights I do the fucking ABX.

Some nights I do the tea to confuse me. It keeps me fucking confused. So I never because if I do melatonin three nights in a row, I won't fucking sleep. What's the other thing that they use? That's in Turkey. To trip the fan. I have tripped the fan too.

So I'll switch it around. You know me, Doug, you got to play tricks on yourself. You know what I'm saying? Don't forget chance out of respect for the Chinese people. I ain't mad at you. I forgot all about COVID. Who gives a fuck? We're here with queer.

It's fucking Wednesday and we're moving straight ahead. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Thank you very much for supporting me here. Thank you very much for supporting me on Patreon. And thank you very much for just supporting me at all. Coming to shows, whatever the fuck you do. Like I said, this weekend, Draft King is on fire. Fucking Valentine's Day this weekend.

Don't forget to give your wife a fucking gift. You know, ladies, if you're looking for a gift, it's not too late to get manscaped so you could shave his balls and his asshole and put that ball right in your fucking mouth for Valentine's Day. Well, who needs chocolate when you got a nice set of fucking balls? Just dip them in Hershey's chocolate and dip them in her fucking mouth. And that's it.

That's the best Valentine's Day you'll ever fucking have. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great fucking week. Whatever's left. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Thank you for all the support. And now for a word for my sponsors.

Oh, real quick, Zeke bitches. What do you think about that? They sent me a little t-shirt. If you're in the fucking LA area, do not forget to go to Urban Trees. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you and they'll fucking hook you up. Tell them you want the fucking peanut butter cups from fucking Zeke. Tell them you want the fucking.

I'll tell you what you get from Zeke. Icy. Oh, I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Don't forget about DraftKings. Don't forget about CBD Lion. Don't forget about Stamps.com.

Don't forget about me. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Stay black. All right, you guys, thank you very much for listening today. It's a shitty fucking Wednesday, but what are you going to do? It's cold outside. At least you're listening.

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